Top 200 Quotes From Dee Reynolds

Dee: You're not a winner, Dennis. You're not a winner because you used to be popular in high school but I think you peaked.
Dennis: [stops in his tracks, then walks back towards Dee] Peaked? Peaked, Dee?
[chuckles]
Dennis: Let me tell you something, I haven't even begun to peak. And when I do peak, you'll know. Because I'm gonna peak so hard that everybody in Philadelphia's gonna feel it.

Charlie: Oh, you know, I told you. I asked for more money.
Dee: What?
Charlie: Yes, I did!
Dee: No, you didn't!
Charlie: I was using dead presidents as a cover. You didn't get that?
Dee: He said to the man, he wanted many, many thousands of green people from history times.

Dee: Oh, I have an idea, Dad. Why don't you shut your fat little monkey face and hold the bag? I'm going to paralyze this bitch.

Frank: It's the media, see? When it's white people, it's survival. And when it's black people, it's looting.
Dee: No, Frank, it's because the white people are stealing bread and the black people are stealing speakers. If the white people were stealing stereo equipment, I would say they were looting too.
Frank: How do you know the blacks don't have bread in those speakers?

Frank: What, you put the moves on him?
Dee: First of all, gross, I don't think you're supposed to whore out your kids. Second of all, that guy is a really good person and I've treated him like shit for his whole life. For once I'm going to do the right thing.
Frank: He thinks you're too old, huh?
Dee: God Damn it. Why do I speak to you? Ever?

Shady: Men are such pricks.
Dee: Oh, tell me about it.
Shady: I bet you're real tired of them pushing you around.
Dee: Oh God, you have no idea.
Shady: If only there was a way that you could be physically tough enough to intimidate men...
Dee: I'm sorry. Do I know you?
Shady: Let's just say that I provide a much needed service around this place. Step into the shadows and, uh, we'll talk.

Mac: Okay, I'm afraid of game show rules.
Dee: You guys, I know what it is. It's failure.
Dennis: That's too pathetic.
Frank: Liberal yahoos taking my guns.
Dennis: That-that is a political firestorm, Frank. No!
Charlie: Oh, oh! The Nightman.

Dee: Brad Fisher, no way! You look amazing! Your acne cleared up really well.
Brad: I kinda grew into myself.
Dee: Yes, you did. Yes, you did. Why did I ever break up with you?
Brad: It was 'cause of the acne.
Dee: Was it 'cause of the acne?
Brad: Yeah, uh, when it got real bad you dumped me and you said it was 'cause I was gonna grow up to look like Edward James Olmos.

Mac: [in the hospital] We talked about it, and we decided that we need to get rid of that gun.
Dennis: Oh, oh, the gun... yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.
Mac: You could have been killed. Dennis could have killed you
Charlie: Okay, good, yes, I think that would be for the best... ah... mm... Dee, could you get me a nurse?
Dee: Yeah, sure.
[exits]
Charlie: Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun.
Mac: No way!
Dennis: [pulls gun out of his pants] Never.

Dee: What is "Night Crawlers"?
Dennis: It's a game where they crawl around in the night like worms.
Charlie: I never said that.
Frank: Yeah, well that's what it is.

Dennis: How are we doing over here?
Dee: Uh... Not well. This is ridiculous. People are definitely starting to notice.
Dennis: Of course they're starting to notice. There's a grown man crammed inside of a couch for Christ's sake. They're going to notice. So let's just talk to somebody. Can you grab that guy?
Dee: [to two office workers] Hey you two!
Dennis: Heyyyyy! So how we doing at the Christmas party? We having a good time?
Woman Office Worker: Yes, great time.
Dee: Great! So, uh... Frank Reynolds?
[makes thumbs down motion]
Dennis: Oh yeah, we were just talking about him. He's the worst, huh?
Woman Office Worker: Do... Do you work here?
Dennis: ...Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. We hop around. Consultationists. So we consult here... we consult across the street too...
Man: Is there a man in that couch?
Dennis: Ha ha! What are you saying? A man in a couch? That's absurd!
Man: No, I believe there's a man in that couch right there!
Dennis: There is no man! There's no man! Say something things about Frank Reynolds, say them loud, and make sure they're horrible horrible things, then we'll deal with the man in the couch!
Man: Okay, so there is a man in the couch!
Dee: All right, just call Frank Reynolds an asshole!
Man: Who is Frank Reynolds?
Dennis: He's the man in the couch!
Woman Office Worker: Oh, my God! What are you people doing?
Dennis: Would you just say something about Frank that's horrible? Call him an asshole!
Woman Office Worker: Frank Reynolds is an asshole!
[Frank tears a hole in the couch and climbs out naked and sweaty]

Dee: [knocks on door] Charlie, open up. We got a dick hole in the bar and I need you to come fill it in.
Charlie: [sighs] Okay, I gotta go fill her dick hole, bro.

Dennis: If Charlie took any time to study in school, he would recognize that the Constitution protects my freedom to blow smoke all over his face.
Charlie: You gotta be... you don't know shit about the Constitution, man.
Mac: Uh, he knows more than you two un-American freedom haters.
Dennis: Thank you.
Dee: Oh, Charlie, we hate freedom. Eww, we hate it.
Dennis: You hate it.
Charlie: Oh, *I'm* un-American?
Frank: You're practically a Viet Cong.

Mac: What in the hell is a MySpace page?
Dee: It's like that friends forum.
Dennis: Dude, these things are actually pretty awesome. You create a profile, and then you put your picture on there, and then other people send you pictures of themselves and they want to be your friend.
Mac: Wow, so that's the saddest thing I've ever heard. You guys are losers.
Dennis: How are we losers, dude?
Mac: Well, maybe it boils down to this, smart guy: computers are for losers.
Dennis: And you're drinking a beer at 8 o'clock in the morning.
Mac: Whatever, dude, irrelevant.

Dee: Whoa, that was really weird.
Dennis: Yeah. Well this confirms it. He definitely got molested.
Dee: Ugh. We gotta get in there.
Dennis: Get - we gotta get in there?
Dee: Yes!
Dennis: You can't just thrust yourself into the position of caregiver like that.
Dee: Caregiver? Why are you throwing around big words? You know, I actually majored in psych so...
Dennis: Yeah, well you failed all your classes.
Dee: So?
Dennis: And I had a minor and I passed all mine so...
Dee: Okay well you know what? 3/4 of a major is a lot bigger than a whole minor.
Dennis: I don't even know how to respond to that.
Dee: Well, that doesn't surprise me.
Dennis: Well, it shouldn't because what you said is really... dumb.
Dee: That's a good one.
Dennis: Yeah, it is.
Dee: It's good. I liked that one.
Dennis: I felt good about it.

Tabitha: You know, I do offer group therapy.
Charlie: Yeah...
Dennis: What are you doing?
Dee: What is this you're doing?
Dennis: What is that? What is that?
Tabitha: With all due respect, you're talking about bringing guns to an intervention, and you're drinking wine out of a soda can.
Dee: [smiling] Yeah.
Dennis: Oh, you put wine in the soda can? That's good.
Dee: You didn't know, did you? Soda.
Charlie: You stole Frank's idea.
Dee: Yeah, yeah, actually it's a pretty good one.
Charlie: It's a good idea. I mean, the guy's got great ideas.
Dee: He's a smart man. That's not what we're here about.
Charlie: But I do feel like she just tried an intervention on us.
Dennis: Did you intervene on us? Is that what that was? You know what I'm feeling? I'm feeling like you've lost control of the room here and, really, we're the ones that are running things now.
Dee: I've lost my trust in you. I feel like we can do this on our own.
Dennis: I think we can do the intervention on our own without her.
Charlie: You guys think?
Dee: Why not?
Charlie: All right, might as well give it a shot.
Dennis: Let's just do that.
Dee: Thank you.
Charlie: Thanks for your help. You did your best. Uh, no hard feelings. I'm gonna grab some of this literature too.
Dennis: She didn't do that great of a job.
Charlie: No, I mean, don't beat her while she's down, man.

Andrew: I think closing at 31's a pretty fair deal, don't you?
Dennis: 31? Well, you know, guys, these things tend to be a little complicated.
Dee: [in a Canadian accent] Oh, I think ya can do better.
Bill: Oh, you looked over the proposal?
Dennis: She glanced at it. We're not... Tell us more about it.
Dee: Ya, I sure did, and I tell you what, I seen better-looking moose turds in Rick Moranis' backyard, ya hosers. Mm?
Dennis: She's got a sense of humor that would just... You know, it gets frustrating.

Dee: [Speaking about Frank] He's finally lost it. Should we toss him in a home?
Dennis: I'll get the car.

Dennis: I think all these chicks are gay.
Dee: Yeah, I don't know that they're gay. I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.

Mort: Frank. Frank. I need some water. My mouth is dry.
Frank: Your mouth is dry. Go into the toilet and run your mouth under the sink.
[Mac and Charlie raise their hands]
Dennis: Okay...
Charlie: Yeah, can I? Could I? Can I?
Dee: [raises hand] I have a...
Charlie: Who's that?
Frank: He's the mortician. I invited him.

Dee: You're not going to go out with me tonight because these idiots found two poopies in a bed?

Dee: [seeing Frank load up a lot of weight onto a bar] Uh, that looks really heavy.
Frank: Look, this is not gonna be a half-assed workout. We gotta really get into it. It's gonna hurt.
Dee: Yeah, but I can't lift that.
Frank: Just position yourself under the bar and listen to me. Alright, here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna take all the weight on your neck. Then, you're gonna jam your legs down and hyperextend your ankles and then shoot back up and lock your knees in place.
Dee: None of of those things sound right to me... at all.
Frank: Look. You wanna fight like a man? You gotta train like a man.

Kate: Do you have any history with drugs or alcohol?
Dee: Never. Neither.
Sean: Um, any family history of mental illness?
Dee: Uh, well my brother's a dick if that counts.

Dee: We need to talk to you about something, Dad.
Frank: Shoot.
Dennis: It's kind of disturbing.
Frank: You two aren't banging, are you?
Dee: What?
Dennis: No! What are you talking about?
Dee: No, that's disgusting.
Frank: Yeah, yeah it is. Stay away from that kind of thing. No good can come of it, trust me.

Dee: You know what, I gotta be honest with you, I think these supplements are doing a great job on their own, you know what I mean? I got tons of energy, my heart rates up, things are going great...
Dennis: Absolutely. I feel great too. Look how vascular I am, look at how my veins are poppin'.
Dee: Holy shit.
Dennis: Yeah, I look good AND I feel good.
Dee: I feel good too apart from the recent bounds of explosive diarrhea.
Dennis: Oh. You've been having diarrhea?
Dee: Oh God, all over the place.
Dennis: Really? Well you know what that is, that's probably your body flushing out all the toxins.
Dee: You think so?
Dennis: I do think so yeah, yeah. I on the other hand have not taken a shit in days.
Dee: Days?
Dennis: Days.
Dee: That doesn't sound good.
Dennis: Oh, no it's good. My body's working at 100% efficiency. Yeah, my body is absorbing every single nutrient and it's not wasting a single thing.
Dee: Your body is taking it's job very seriously.
Dennis: My body's doing it's job like it's never done it before.

Dee: Dennis, maybe you need to rethink this whole plan of yours. I don't think getting Charlie laid is going to help his cancer problem.
Dennis: Whatever.
Mac: Dennis, I think I found the perfect girl for Charlie! Smart, beautiful, the whole thing.
Dennis: Where?
Mac: Right there.
Dennis: Over there by the pool table?
Mac: Yeah. Nice.
Dennis: That's great, Mac.
Dee: Good work, Mac.
Dennis: That's a dude.

Dee: If I had to write an article about you, it would say that you're very negative. The headline might be "Most negative man in the world calls other people white trash to make himself not feel so faggy."

Dee: This sucks a bag of dicks.

Dee: [about the dance 'contest'] Place, Paddy's Pub. Time, Saturday. Date, with Charlie Kelly. Prize... PADDY'S PUB?
Dennis: Whoa, dude, you put the bar up as a prize?
Charlie: No, I listed it in the 'Pride' section, the place where you list what you take pride in.
Dee: That's a 'Z', Charlie!
Frank: Didn't you read that goddamn thing?
Charlie: I gave it a once-over!
Mac: Oh, that's it! Your illiteracy has screwed us again!

Dee: Are you buying this? That is ridiculous. Dennis, they left us a list of demands!
Frank: What're you talking about? That's their last will and testament. That is not demands!
Dee: It says at the top "List of Demands"!

Dee: Oh, you are being ridiculous. He's a professional football player.
Mac: No, look, I'm not talking about killing the guy. I'm just talking about going up there with a group of dudes and intimidate him, maybe break his arm.
Dee: You can't break Tom Brady's arm.
Mac: Oh, yes I can! No more Super Bowls for that pretty boy.

Dee: Oh look, plutonium smuggled into Syria. Yeah, that's gonna change my life drastically.
Dennis: That's gonna change everyone's lives! No one can go to Syria anymore for vacation!

Dee: [to Dennis who is hiding in bushes] Dennis!
Dennis: Dee! What the hell are you doing? Get out of here! You're gonna blow my cover.
Dee: This seems extraordinarily dangerous.
Dennis: Dee, that is the point of being here. This is the area of the highest concentration of murders by the serial killer.
Dee: I know, that's why I feel like a sitting duck out there.
Dennis: Well, you volunteered for this, sis, okay? As you recall, I didn't want to use you as the bait: You do not fit the profile.
Dee: [annoyed] I fit the profile, Dennis!
Dennis: That's the right attitude.
[refers to Dee's breasts]
Dennis: Now, pull these out or something. You need to look sexy for this guy. Otherwise he's never gonna... come on.
Dee: I just feel this is a very inappropriate outfit for how cold it is out here.
Dennis: Is it cold out here?
Dee: [irritated] It's freezing!
Dennis: See, I don't feel that. I have a down jacket, a wool blanket... It's a very toasty situation I got back here. Get back out there, Tiger. You can do it! I believe in you.

Dee: What's going on down there?
Wayne: Those two guys are pretending to be disabled and kicking each other's asses.
Dee: What a bunch of scumbags.
[Dee drags herself away in her back-brace and crutches]

Dennis: I am not banging my sister.
Barbara: Jesus Christ! What have I walked into here?
Dee: Oh my God.
Barbara: You two aren't having *sex* together...
Dennis: No, we're not having sex.
Frank: What the hell is she doing here?
Dee: Sit down please, Mom.
Barbara: I am not getting pulled into any sort of perverted sex talk.
Dennis: It's not perverted!
Frank: Banging your sister is perverted, Dennis!
Dennis: [shouts] I am not banging my sister!

Dee: Okay, I know you all are super stoked to be watching a movie in a bar. But we're just gonna keep it on the down low, you know what I mean? We don't need your parents and the principal finding out. It's just our little secret.
Lisa: I've been in a bar before.
Dee: No, you haven't.
Craig: I've been in *this* bar before.

Dennis: Everyone gather 'round. I have an announcement to make.
Frank: Dennis has an announcement?
[to Mac]
Frank: Go, now's your chance. Rant and rave.
Mac: [shouting] Gather 'round, everybody! Gather 'round, please!
Dee: We're all standing here.
Frank: Is this everybody?
Mac: Is this everybody?
Dee: You know it's everybody. What are you doing?
Mac: Dennis has an announcement.
Dee: Yeah, I-I-I heard that. I'm wondering what it is.
Mac: It's an announcement!
Charlie: What's up, Dennis?
Dennis: I have an announcement.
Dee: OH, MY GOD! WHAT IS IT?

Dee: [pretending to be a man] Coach, hi! Hi there. Cole. Cole Armstrong, three-time all-American fastest sprinter in five counties. Coach, would you like us to stand when you address us or do you prefer we take a knee?
Coach: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!

Dee: [very drunk] Good evening, I need to speak to Mr. Kim please.
Mr. Kim: I'm Mr. Kim.
Dee: Huh. Alright, Mr. Kim, my name is Rita Fire... s. Hmm, Fires. And I am from the National Health Inspectors, uh, Store and I need to, I need to make sure your secret microbrew is up to code.
Mr. Kim: Health inspector?
Dee: Oh you bet your ass, Kim.
Dee: [Mr. Kim throws her out the back door] Wait, I just wanted your stupid recipe!
Mr. Kim: You, terrible actress!
Dee: Wait, wait, wait! Okay, I'll sleep with you.
Mr. Kim: Your breath smell like vomit.

Dee: There's a masturbating bum in the alley.

Dee: What the shit is this?
Charlie: Uh, Cheech over here bought himself a bong.
Frank: [taking a massive bong rip] Holy shit Deandra, this is wacky. I want you to go download me a hoagie off the internet.
Dee: I'm sorry? Those words don't make any s- sense... Oh God, you guys... Oh, weird, I feel weird.
Mac: Rip another one, bro.
Charlie: Yeah, say something else stupid too.
Dee: My arm's kinda numb. Dennis, can you feel my head? Is it hot, am I hot?
Dennis: I'm not touching you.
Dee: I'm serious you guys, something's not right. I...
Frank: You think there's bitches in the bar?
Mac: What?
Frank: Bitches in the bar.
Dee: I feel like... I'm being really serious you guys, I need some help...
[faints]
Dennis: Uh God, what is her problem?
Charlie: I don't know.
[cue title "Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack"]

Charlie: Dude, it's not so much that they don't like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? 'Cause you're an asshole!
Mac: [to Dee] Is that true?
Dee: ...Yeah, kinda.

[Dee and Dennis are behind the bar]
Handsome: No, we're waiting for the cute one.
Dee: What cute one?

Dee: [discussing high taxes] Why don't you try voting for once?
Mac: And what? Vote for the democrat who's going to blast me in the ass? Or the republican who's going to blast my ass? Either way, politics is all one big ass blasting.

Dee: I bet you wish you could win this pageant, don't you?
Justine: My mom says I'm not pretty enough.
Dee: Your mom doesn't know dick! She's a dumb fat cow. And your sister, she is a stupid little shit-mouth bitch, isn't she?
Justine: You just said a lot of bad words.

Dennis: Tell you what, man. I'm happy for him, but I do still hate him!
Charlie: Oh yeah! It's not a gay or straight thing is it?
Dee: No, it's a Mac thing!
Dennis: No no no no no!
Charlie: Yeah, it's a Mac thing!
Dennis: It's a Mac thing!

[someone is robbing the bar and Dennis is about to shoot him]
Dee: [shouts] Shoot him in the face!

Dennis: We're caring people. That's our nature.
Tabitha: Um, what's Frank struggling with the most right now?
Dee: Ooh, he is trying to bang our aunt.
Dennis: That's the big one.
Tabitha: These things deal more with drug and alchohol abuse.
Dennis: Drugs and alcohol are rolled into what we're talking about here.
Tabitha: So he does have a drinking problem.
Charlie: Oh, big time!
Dee: Oh, lady.

Dee: Don't eat trash, Charlie.
Charlie: I'll eat what I wanna eat, okay?

Frank: All right, now pretend that this shoe is an unboned chicken and you're gonna cook it tonight and make a tasty dinner that's gonna smell all through the house like cooked chicken.
Beth: Actually, I'm vegan.
Frank: Okay, then pretend this shoe is whatever you people eat. Maybe it *is* a shoe.
Dee: Nice one.

Dennis: Oh my God, we are so screwed. How are we going to get $25,000 by Friday?
Frank: Don't look at me. You made this bed; you're sleeping in it. This is a life lesson for you.
Dennis: Frank, this is not the time to be throwing down life lessons, alright? We are going to get whacked off by a bunch of scary Italian guys.
Charlie: Did they say they were going to whack us off?
Dennis: They implied they wanted to whack us all off!
Dee: Nobody's gonna get whacked off today, okay? Listen: we're gonna take the money, we'll go get our drugs back from Bingo, we'll give it to the mob, and we'll pretend none of this ever happened.

Mac: Look, everybody! Sweet Dee's here!
Dee: Hey, everybody!
Charlie: Whoa, whoa! What are you doing here?
Janell: Charlie?
Dennis: Whoa, whoa, what is going on here? You guys know each other?
Charlie: Yeah, that's the crazy bitch that punched me in my eye!
Terrell: Charlie! That's my sister!
Mac: Now, just to clarify, when you say sister, you mean...
Terrell: I mean my sister.
Mac: Yeah! Okay! This is great because earlier, you were implying that I was racist because you thought that I was implying that all black people are related, and then it turns out that you people actually are!

Dee: What is the point of this stupid dumb-ass experiment anyway?

Dennis: Dee, you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing?
Dee: Same thing you're doing. I'm not letting dad give all this shit to poor people
Dennis: Alright, hey I got here first though. I'm taking the plasma TV and I'm taking the fish tank.
Dee: How come you get to pick and choose?
Dennis: It's not that I get to pick and choose, it's that I'm a man and I'm strong. I can carry heavy things. You're a woman, you're weak and... you can't.
Dee: You're a woman and you're weak.
Dennis: That doesn't make any sense
Dee: You don't make any sense.

Dennis: For one day, let's make the poor bastard feel special. For one day, let's make this lowly rat killer feel like a king.
Frank: Yes.
Dennis: In the simplest... easiest...
Dee: Easiest way. I'm tired today, you know?

Dennis: You don't snoop and sneak and appear from behind cars!
Frank: I'm sorry, I had something important to tell you guys.
Dennis: We just ran over our friend with a car, what could be more important than that?
Frank: Try this on for size... You're mother's dead.
Dee: ...What?... Oh, no...
Frank: ...No, she's not dead. We're getting divorced though.

Dee: [in a yellow pantsuit] I am presenting myself as a powerful lady.
Frank: You're presenting yourself as a banana.

Frank: A woman in politics is like a donkey doing calculus.
Dee: There are plenty of good women politicians.
Frank: Name one.
Dee: Um, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton
Frank: Awful!
Dee: How is she awful?
Frank: Hates freedom.

Sweet: Well, we'll just go back to work for a little while.
Dennis: Just for a little while until we have enough money to buy some more crack.
Sweet: And then we'll go on welfare and I'll go be a star.
Dennis: And then I can be a veterinarian of some kind...
Sweet: Maybe we should think about rehab.
Dennis: We should hit rehab as soon as possible.
Sweet: Soon, in a couple days. Not now.
Dennis: Yeah...

Dee: You should know how to hold your booze a little better.
Waitress: [wasted] I'll hold your boobs a little better...

Mac: Are you drinking sunscreen?
Dee: No no, it's a decoy. We're drinking tequila out of sunscreen bottles.
Dennis: Yeah, very strict open container laws at the Jersey shore.

Mac: I'm wearing a mesh shirt, and it's totally sweet. You guys probably want me to burn it, but I won't, all right? Now, I like this choice. I like the choices I've made. I like who I am, all right? But I realize I've been lying to myself over the past few years, and I'm done lying, okay? And I've found someone who's gonna allow me to be me.
Dennis: Okay, good.
Charlie: Oh, good, all right, yeah.
Dee: Great. Finally. Yes.
Dennis: Let's do this.
Charlie: That all makes sense. Let's get this over with.

Dee: [performing on stage] So I finally broke down and I took a shower the other day. The stink flipped around and now my soap smells like dirty vag.
[audience laughter]
Mac: She said "vagina." A woman said "vagina."
Frank: That's what makes it funny!
Dennis: Tasteless.
Dee: [robot voice] Vagina, vagina. Vagina, vagina.
[makes fart noises]
Dennis: And the sound effects out of absolutely nowhere, no setup.

Dennis: She's got Stockholm syndrome!
Dee: No, I don't! No, I just think it's a good way to decide who to kill first. I'm trying to put myself in their position, you know? It's called compassion dickheads. Maybe if you guys had a little bit of it, you wouldn't be in this mess in the first place and then we wouldn't be standing here trying to figure out which one of you we have to kill. But that's where we are so hand me that shotgun 'cause I'd like to do this mess myself. GET ON YOUR KNEES, BITCHES!

Mac: Somos...
Dee: Yeah!
Mac,73876: ¡Extremos!

Dee: [upon finding someone slumped over in a booth] Who's this?
Mac: I don't know. I've never seen him before.
Dee: Well, can you get him out of here? He stinks.
Mac: [walking over to the man] Hey, let's go. Oh, my Je... oh, my God! He shit his pants, Dee. Dee, he shit his pants.
Dee: Oh, I don't want to know that.
Mac: [groans and grabs a pool stick] I'm gonna poke him with this. Get up, old man. This isn't the American Legion. Wake up! Yo!
Dee: What's the matter?
Mac: He won't wake up.
Dee: Well, poke him harder in his ribs.
Mac: [continuing to poke the man] Wake up, old man. Wake up!
[the man falls over to his side]
Mac: Holy shit. That bitch is dead.

Dennis: [Dennis walks out with a turtleneck and a clipboard as Mac arrives for a blind date] Who are you here to see?
Mac: My friend Sandy.
Dennis: Oh, Sandy. Sandy, huh? Is Sandy a young, attractive, blond girl?
Mac: I have no idea.
Dennis: Uh, Sandy, why don't you come out here, please?
Dee: [walks out] Oh, hello, Mac.
Dennis: Not so young and attractive, is she?

Dee: I had the craziest dream last night that I was in Cleveland, Ohio - which is really weird because I've never been to Ohio. And this guy was wearing a bunny suit, and he was coming out of...
Dennis: [interrupting her] You know what Dee, I don't want to hear about your dream, okay? I hate listening to people's dreams. It's like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them, and nobody's having sex, I just... don't care.

Dee: Where is M. Night? I have questions for him!

Dennis: How's it going with the wrath thing? You, uh, staying away from that?
Dee: Well, yeah, you know, I was trying, but there are certain See You Next Tuesdays on this ship that are making it very difficult.
Dennis: Mm, yeah, I feel ya. I'm-I'm already struggling with the lust thing. See this, uh, flaxen-haired seductress across the pool over here?
Dee: Dennis, she looks like she's 12 years old.
Dennis: No, she's of age. I checked. Well, she's galavanting around, you know, flaunting it for me, and she knows how easy it would be for me to have her, too, because of the implication. Not that you would understand. It's not what you think it is.
Dee: No, I think I get it. We're out in the middle of the ocean, she's stuck on a boat. She couldn't possibly say no, 'cause something might go wrong for her if she did.
Dennis: That's... that's exactly what it is. How did you get that so fast?
Dee: It's like when I'm alone with a guy, and we're messing around, and he gets all skittish about banging. So then I insinuate that it would be a shame if my account of what happened was different from his, and then he ended up getting a call from the sheriff. You know what I mean? And then, boom. We plow.

Mac: Hi, I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub. I like to recommend to our first timers our signature cocktail, Caribbean Paradise. Some people say it's better than busting a nut.
Customer: Excuse me?
Mac: Busting a nut. It's like, uh, you know, blowing your load.
Dennis: Oh...
Mac: He said it was a funny joke.
Dennis: Well, no... hold on.
Mac: Yeah, it's like coming all over you. It's light, it's playful.
Dennis: Yeah, well, no, I think what my friend is trying to refer to is an orgasm, which is light and playful, but he overstepped himself and got a little bit too specific.
Mac: Sorry, we jizz in the drink and that's what makes it light.
Dennis: No, no, nobody's jizzing on anything.
Mac: Well, where do I jizz?
Dennis: You don't jizz.
Mac: How can, how can I orgasm if I don't jizz?
Dennis: No, ma'am, I think what...
Mac: Just tell me where I jizz so I can give this lady her drink.
Dennis: Ma'am, what would you like to drink? And we won't jizz on anything.
Dee: Not like Mac's ever had an orgasm.
Dennis: Holy shit, you're late.

Dee: Did you have sex with her?
Charlie: Yeah.
Dee: Well, did you use birth control?
Dennis: Whoa, Dee, we're from a Catholic school.
Dee: So, premarital sex is all right, but you're not allowed to use birth control?
Charlie: Okay, now you're just twisting words around and getting cute.

Dee: Why don't we up the supplements which we know work and eliminate working out which we know blows.
Dennis: That sounds like a pretty good plan. You know what? I'm gonna take it one step further and propose that we start working on a muscle that we've been neglecting this entire time. And it's the most important muscle in the entire body.
[takes out fitness instructor's CD and inserts his own into the CD player]
Dee: Which muscle?
Dennis: The face.
[Steve Winwood's "Higher Love" begins playing]
Dennis: That's a gift for you, Bumble Bee. Come on.
Dee: Enjoy it, Coach Dick 'n' Balls.

Dee: Dennis is gonna try and have you killed.
Charlie: I can't say that surprises me.
Dee: He's gonna sell us all down the river.
Charlie: Okay, should we kill him first?
Dee: Well, look, I don't want anybody to have to die, but if somebody does, there's no reason it shouldn't be Dennis.

Dee: [reading Mac's letter to Chase Utley] Dear Chase, I feel like I can call you Chase because you and me are so alike. I'd like to meet you one day, it would be great to have a catch. I know I can't throw as fast as you but I think you'd be impressed with my speed. I love your hair, you run fast. Did you have a good relationship with your father? Me neither. These are all things we can talk about and more. I know you have no been getting my letters because I know you would write back if you did. I hope you write back this time, and we can become good friends. I am sure our relationship would be a real home run!

Charlie: [looking at attorney through binoculars] Oh shit, I see him. He's walking towards the car. He's walking towards the car!
Dee: Get down!
Charlie: Why's he coming towards us?
Dee: Get down and hold still!
Attorney: [gets in driver's seat of the car] Alright... So um, what are you people doing in my car now?

Dee: [about Barbara's will] Does it say anything about jewelry?
The: It does say something about the jewelry in here in that, um, she wants to be buried in it.
Dee: Goddammit! Oh, goddammit!
Frank: Ohhh! She's taking it into the grave!
Dee: I'll tell you what, you son of a bitch. I am very disappointed in you today, *very* upset with you! You tell her from me that I will be in touch with her somehow!
Frank: Yeah, tell her she's a bitch!

Dee: [ambushing the waitress and Brad] Is it a yes or a no 'cause you're kinda holding up traffic here, it's just- it's rude.

Dee: I'll make you my king. Just accept my request to consummate.
Charlie: Consummate, what is that?
Dee: Have sex.
Charlie: Oh. So, um, we should have sex then?
Dee: ...In the game.
Charlie: Yeah, in the game. Sure, yeah. Either way. Uh, so push "enter" hard? Or one, like, slow push and you do your thing? Or a little circular action...?
Dee: Just push the button, Charlie.

Bruce: We were in Uganda doing a lot of work with the AIDS crisis there and...
Frank: AIDS? You touch anybody?
Bruce: Well, sure.
Frank: Hey, man! What kind of shit is that? You just hugged me! Why would you do that?
Dee: Seamus is joking. He's got a - He's got a very dry sense of humor.
Frank: I'm not joking! That shit is serious! I gotta take a shower now!

Dee: Good luck with those kegs, boners.

Mac: What the hell is that?
Dee: [dancing] This? That's my P. Diddy boat dance.
Mac: You look like one of those inflatable dancing things at the used car lot, the ones that flail around in the wind.

Dennis: You're gonna wanna nurture that dependence that she's feeling on you now, guys. Have her car towed, or you could slash her tires. Either way, make her depend on you for rides. Or you can use my personal go-to, which is to create a fictional angry neighbor who's threatening her and tell her you'll take care of 'em. Hit up a payphone so that she can't trace the calls back to you, give her a call and say something along the lines of, "I'm watching you, you bitch. You're gonna die tonight!"
Dee: Oh for Christ's sake, you're a complete sociopath!
Dennis: Don't interrupt.

Mac: Will you be providing the weapons?
Neighborhood: No.
Mac: No... Oh, I get it. Okay, we go buy the weapons, we tell you how much we spent, you reimburse us. Great.
Neighborhood: Doesn't work like that.
Dee: You gotta give him a receipt.
Mac: Oh, I would make a copy of the receipt.
Dee: No, no, no, you give them the original.
Mac: I would give them the original and I would keep the copy? That seems stupid.
Dee: Oh, I'm sorry that that's how reimbursement works.
Mac: What if something happens to the weapons, then I'm shit outta luck?
Dee: Oh, well then you just ask them for the original back. I'm sure they got a system in place.
Mac: Why would they keep the original, I'm the one that bought the gun!
Dee: Oh, it's a gun now!
Mac: It's always been a gun, Dee!

Dennis: Okay, listen, when it comes to intelligence, I think you'll find that I am your man.
Dee: Or perhaps a man is not what you're looking for at all.
Mac: I'm afraid my friend Dennis confuses book learning with brainpower. But you and me, we know different, huh?
Dennis: Uh, "you and I."
Mac: What? No, not you and I. Him and I, idiot.
Dee: In case I was being unclear, nerds, I will bang one or both of you.

Dennis: Oh, do me a favor. Peel this apple for me please.
Dee: No! No, I'm not gonna peel an apple for you!
Dennis: But Mac always does it for me.
Dee: Why does Mac peel your apples for you?
Dennis: He doesn't like for me to eat the apples with the skin on it. He says the skin's loaded with toxins.
Dee: Well, good news. Mac's not here.
Dennis: I know he's not here, and that's why I need you to do it for me. Please, please.
Dee: Oh, Jesus. Just eat it with the skin on it.
Dennis: I do not like it with the skin, Dee! I am not *allowed* to eat it with the skin! I am not *allowed*!
Dee: OH, MY GOD! All right! If you just shut up, I will peel the apple for you the way Mac likes you to eat it. Give it to me. Give it to me! I'll do it the way Mac insists, okay?
Dennis: Yeah.

[after Frank's eulogy]
Dee: So should we get the dead whore out of the apartment, or...?

Dee: [on her pro-choice poster] Viva la Vulva

Mac: Well, right now it looks like you're wearing a mask of yourself over your face.
Dennis: Not a good one? Not a nice mask of myself?
Mac: Not a good one.
Dennis: Do you guys think that a normal mask of me would look good?
Dee: Oh, my God.
Dennis: And if there was would you guys wear it?

Bobby: Hey, now we're talking here. She's a killer!
Dee: You're goddamn right I'm a killer.
Brianna: You look like a holocaust victim in pageant makeup.
Dee: I will eat your babies, bitch!
Brianna: Bring it!
Frank: Nobody's eating anybody's babies.
Bobby: Hey, you looking to spur, little girl?
Frank: No, no. No fight. She's not ready.
Dee: Oh, I'm ready.
Frank: No, no, you're not ready.
Dee: I'm ready! Let me eat her babies!

Dennis: Oh, you better have a good reason for getting us outta bed this early, jerk.
Frank: I got a goddamn great reason for gettin' you out of bed. This bar is hemorrhaging money!
Charlie: You gotta spend money to make money. Economics 101, dude.
Frank: You're bleeding us to death! Especially with that company credit card you got.
Mac: Uh, that is for business expenses, Frank. Everything on there is a business expense.
Frank: Who spent $500 for laser hair removal?
Dennis: Right over here, Slick. Don't wanna have hair down there, know what I'm sayin'?
Frank: Who spent $5,000 for a samurai sword?
Mac: [raises hand] Your head of security.
Charlie: Yeah, just wait till he saves your life one day with it.
Frank: $6,000 on a camcorder!
Dee: Well, I've decided what I'm gonna do is I'm going to take all those hilarious characters that I've been creating over the past several years. I'm gonna put 'em on tape, I'm gonna put 'em on YouTube. That way I can get discovered by like a casting director or a producer. I get some kind of a TV development deal.
Dennis: Yeah, right, so the point is, Frank, is that these are all business expenses. I mean, some are definitely more realistic than others...
Charlie: [points to Dee] Yeah, not that one.
Dennis: No, not at all, but nonetheless I believe bought as a business expense.
Frank: They're not business expenses! What *I* bought is a business expense. What I bought is somethin' that's gonna save our asses!
Dennis: [mockingly] Okay. Yeah, all right.
Charlie: All right, what d'ya get?
Frank: I bought a billboard!
[cue: "America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest"]

Dee: [on the bus next to a large man] Would you mind not breathing directly into my mouth?

Charlie: [Charlie and Dee examine bodies in a morgue] These are two dead bodies.
Dee: They're dead. Two dead guys.
Charlie: This is the real deal here.
Dee: [Examining African American specimen] I don't think I can eat this guy.
Charlie: I don't think I can, right? Why is that?
Dee: I don't know.
Charlie: It's not because he's black, though, right?
Dee: Of course not... I don't think so... No.
Charlie: It's because he's dead, right?
Dee: It's because he's dead, that's why not.
Charlie: Good, good, good.
[pause]
Charlie: I've got a question for you: is it racist if we don't eat this guy?
Dee: Well, shit, Charlie. Now it is.
Charlie: I'm sorry, Dee.
[walking over to white specimen]
Charlie: The white guy over here looks better to me for some reason.
Dee: So much better, doesn't he? What is that?
Charlie: You know what it is? Generally, I don't eat dark meat.
Dee: I prefer the white meat. I always have.
Charlie: It's not that guy. It's this guy.
Dee: The problem is: I'm gonna have a really hard time if we're both cannibals *and* we're racists.
Dee: We're not, Dee. Cannibalism? Racism? Dee, that's not for us. You know? Those are the decisions that are best left to the suits in Washington. Okay? We're just here to eat some dude.
Dee: You lost me with Washington, but the rest I agree with. So let's eat a peace of this guy.
Charlie: [long, apprehensive pause] I can't do it.
Dee: No. Me neither.
Charlie: The goods news is, I guess this means we're not racist.

Dee: A 24-hr clock? Is this why we had to wait for you to go to Bed, Bath & Beyond?
Dennis: Yes, Dee you Goddamned bitch!

Charlie: She also transcribed my work into a format you might consider a little bit more legible.
Dee: Or literate. She added words to it.

[repeated line]
Dee: Later, boners.

Dee: Your life is way more glamorous than what I was picturing.
Roxy: Yeh, yeh, now help me dig these crack rocks outta my ass.

Dee: Your life is way more glamorous than what I was picturing.
Roxy: Yeh, yeh. Now, help me dig these crack rocks outta my ass.

Dennis: [going to buy crack to get on welfare] Okay, we'll smoke a little bit. Just enough to get it into our system.
Dee: Yeah, and then we'll go to the doctor and we'll get all of our paperwork and we'll get full benefits.
Dennis: Yeah, and then we'll just collect for just a little while, until we get settled. And then, uh, I'll take the MCATs.
Dee: And I'll move to New York. Perfect.
[notices crack dealer outside car]
Dee: Ahh!
Dennis: Ohh! My God! Whew.
Dee: Jesus!
Dennis: Wow, you scared us. Oh, not 'cause you're black. No, no, no, we're not racist.
Dee: No, no, God no.
Dennis: No, it's just that the neighborhood is scary...
Dee: If you were another ethnicity you'd pop, you'd really pop up.
Dennis: But it's a nice neighborhood, I mean, it's okay... It's the nature of this...
Crack: Roll your window down.

Charlie: I have 248 hours of, uh...
Mac: [helping Charlie read] Interstate.
Charlie: Inter... Interstate...
Mac: Sanitation. Jesus Christ.
Charlie: Interstate sanitation. What is that?
Dennis: The guys in the orange vests who pick up trash.
Charlie: Oh, my God. And what is this about the AA?
Mac: Alcoholics Anonymous.
Charlie: For...
Mac: Six!
Dee: Oh, my God.
Mac: Months!

Dee: Hey, listen, uh, you've been really stressed, so I thought I would take you for a spa day, just you and me.
Charlie: A what day?
Dee: A spa day.
Charlie: What is this word "spa"? I feel like you're starting to say a word and you're not finishing it. Are you trying to say "spaghetti"? Are you taking me for a spaghetti day?

Dee: Did you write a love letter to Chase Utley?
Mac: In a lot of ways, yes, I do love him, but that is not a love letter in the way that you're thinking of! Okay? There's nothing sexual or...
Dee: Okay, sounds good. I'm going to read it.
Mac: Yeah! Read it!
Dee: "Dear Chase..." Oh, shit! There's stickers! My God...
Mac: Yeah, you gotta jazz it up.
Dee: You sure do.

Dee: See this is the part where I would volunteer to be the girl on the billboard and you guys would find some reason not to and compare me to some sort of animal like a giant bird.
Dennis: [agreeing] Oh she looks so much like a bird doesn't she?
Charlie: See I was thinking fish because of how far apart her eyes are.

Mac: Frank, you are gonna get us into that country club you used to belong to and we're gonna sell the pills there.
Dennis: That'd be a good place to sell those pills.
Mac: Yes, thank you very much.
Frank: You can't make no $25,000 from that amount of pills. How long you got?
Mac: 'til Friday.
Frank: Mm-mmm. You're gonna have to turn a trick or two; go into prostitution.
Dee: You are disgusting! How could you suggest - I am absolutely not doing that!
Frank: I wasn't talking about you. Guys at those country clubs get hotter broads than you.
Dennis: I would think, yeah.
Mac: Yeah.
Frank: I was saying the male escort is really hard to come by.
Charlie: I'm picking up what you're putting down. I'll do it.
Frank: Eh, Charlie, you're not quite cut from the right cloth.
Mac: Okay. Make it me.
Frank: Mac, you're too low class. All those women are gonna thing they're gonna catch somethin' from you.
Mac: They are.
Dennis: They will.
Frank: I was thinking about Dennis.
Dennis: Right. Now, Frank, will any of these women be attractive in any way?
Frank: Probably not.

Dee: [upon finding her steroids are gone] Who took my shit?
Charlie: [quietly] I might have had some.
Dee: What did you just say, you little bitch?
Charlie: I might have had some of your pills or whatever.
Dee: Oh yeah?
[Dee walks over to Charlie and gets in his face]
Dee: [filled with rage] I am gonna punch a hole through your face!

Charlie: Why is the witch-slave shooting at you anyways?
Frank: Maybe she used her sorcery.
Dee: Sorcery? Your dumb-dick partner walked into the bar and said he'd stolen a bunch of guns and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head. And of course I did, so here we are.
Frank: Damn your necromancy, woman!

Dee: I'm assuming you wouldn't have lured him down by a fire. Is that- is that what your face is doing right now?
Tabitha: Yeah, uh, and I wouldn't have an intervention at a bar either.

Dee: Arrogance, vanity, all over. He's underwater, like a Range Rover.
Dennis: I'm sorry, what is this? What are you doing?
Dee: Def Poetry.
Dennis: Don't do that.
Charlie: Makeup... smearin'. No power steerin'. He be talkin', but we don't be hearin'.
Dennis: I command you to stop.
Dee: Speaks like Zeus.
Charlie: Smells like poops.
Dee: Rage all over from his head down to his shoes.
Dennis: Zeus, poops and shoes? Guys, you suck at Def Poetry.

Dee: You're gonna throw away all your convictions for a chance to get laid?
Dennis: I don't really have any convictions.

Dennis: Oh, it's a new review by Korman!
Dee: [clears throat] "I woke up in my neighbor's bed with a head wound, yesterday's paper, and an empty bottle of sleeping pills and my nightmare in that putrid shithole of a bar Paddy's Pub finally, mercifully came to an end. The owners all deserve to rot in jail, though having to spend every day with each other in that vile establishment is a decidedly greater punishment. That is why I decided not to press charges, leaving them to live in the hell on earth they've created for themselves for the rest of their pathetic and miserable lives."
Mac: Ouch.
Dennis: Yeah, really raked us over the coals there, didn't he?
Mac: Not a good review.
Dennis: It's not a good review.
Charlie: He went right for the throat.
Dennis: He sure did. Hey listen, at least he didn't mention our names.
Mac: Yeah, and no pressing charges which is great.
Charlie: Yeah, right, no charges, no names.
Dennis: No charges, no names, that's good.
Dee: ...I don't know why but I'm a little irritated that he didn't mention my name. I work here!
Charlie: You feel like he would mention our name, right?
Dennis: I'm incredibly annoyed that he didn't mention my name.
Mac: I wish I could live with this but I can't...
Charlie: It's a story about us!
Mac: I feel like we gotta go talk to him again.

Dennis: [walks in on his friends preparing for the Phillies playing in the World Series] Hey guys what's up?
Dee: How come you aren't wearing your colors?
Dennis: Colors? What are you...? Oh, my God, is today the World Series? I totally forgot... Oh, wait a minute!
[takes off shirt to reveal "Go Phillies" written on his chest]
Dennis: Sporting events are the one time it's socially acceptable to go shirtless in public and I plan to be blasting bare chest the whole time.
Frank: You're gonna feel cold as shit up in those stands!
Dennis: I'm not going to be feeling anything because I plan to be blasted on grain alcohol!

Dee: [at the public pool] That girl just jumped in with her sneakers on!
Dennis: These people all have sneakers on!

Dee: So what's our plan here? Are we just gonna throw him in the trash or are we gonna find like a laundry chute, fire him down that, or what are we doing?
Dennis: What? No, I'm just gonna drop him in one of these rooms if I can find an empty one.
Dee: No but that way somebody can find him and put him back in my room.
Dennis: Ah, that's a good point. Or maybe we could stuff him in a drawer or like jam him in a closet or something? That'll buy us some time, right?
Dee: Hm, makes me feel like I have to touch him. I don't wanna touch him at all, so why don't we just put him in the trash?
Mr. Craig: Please don't put me in the trash!

Charlie: You know what happened? I bet it flattened itself out, went right through a seam in your wall.
Dee: I don't think there's anything in the laws of nature to support that.
Charlie: Cats do not abide by the laws of nature.

Dennis: Now, you're clear on these instructions, right?
Dee: Yeah, yeah, I think so.
Dennis: Yeah, you know... you know what you're doing? They're in Spanish.
Dee: Ehh, yeah but you know, if you know Latin you know like three languages so...
Dennis: Well, as far as I know you don't speak Latin.
Dee: I don't speak Latin but there's pictures in here so I think we're good.

Charlie: You wanna talk America? You wanna learn a little something about America? Dee, let's roll out of here.
Dee: Where are we going?
Charlie: We're gonna go America all over their asses!

Dee: [after hearing that a young hitch hiker they've picked up is running away from home to go to Hollywood] Oh no... You're gonna end up doing gay porno with this little body of yours.

Charlie: Seven straight hours of lecturing?
Dennis: Yeah, and five hours alone dedicated to the evils of homosexuality, from him?
Dee: Did anyone else notice that he had an erection the entire time?
Charlie: Of course.
Frank: How could you miss it?

Dennis: [the gang talks about the city's serial killer as Mac suddenly walks into the bar] This guy got laid last night!
Mac: [nervously] No, I didn't!
Dennis: Yeah, you did. You didn't come last night.
Mac: Yes, I did!
Dee: Yeah, those are the same clothes you were wearing yesterday.
Mac: No, they aren't. They're different clothes.
Dennis: Hey, what's with those scratches on your neck?
Mac: Scratches? What scratches? I've... I've gotta take a piss. Stop asking me questions.
[runs into the bathroom]
Dee: Well, that was weird.
Charlie: I wonder what got into him.
Frank: Serial killin'!

Dennis: [Frank is hanging by a noose] Whoa. What the hell's going on over here?
Dee: Oh, Frank's trying to kill himself.
Charlie: Oh, my God. Is he all right? Frank, are you all right?
Frank: Don't try to stop me.
Dennis: Oh, my God.
Charlie: Oh, so he's alive.
Frank: I lost all my money in a Ponzi scheme, Charlie. I'm broke!
Dee: His neck is so thick, I feel like he's just gonna swing and dangle around for a really long time.

Dee: Oh shit, Ben, look - a carnie.
[puts arms around carnie]
Dee: So I wonder if there's a kissing booth anywhere close.
[the carnie stabs her]
Dee: Oww! Ohh you stabbed me! He stabbed me with a key!

Dee: I am not a failure!
Mac: Dennis, what is it that you call it when somebody tries to do something but doesn't succeed?
Dennis: Uh, that would in fact be a failure.
Mac: Dee is a failure.

Dee: Did you bring the condoms?
Mac: Ooooh. Not a fan of the whole condom thing.

[repeated line]
Dee: Boom.

Dennis: Dee, you and I are gonna play.
Dee: Yeah? Can I do my fart keychain?
Dennis: Absolutely goddamn not.

Dee: So how do we go about doing this? We ambush him, and just sorta barate him into being the guy we wanna be around?
Tabitha: No, you certainly don't barate him. He needs to know your coming from a place of love and concern.
Dennis: Too soft. I think we should come at him with an iron fist and crush him into submission.
Charlie: Right, right, and you know what, if we're taking that approch you might want to be armed at this intervention.
Tabitha: Why-why would I need to be armed?
Charlie: Well, Frank's usually carrying like a little gun around with him and he doesn't really hesitate to use it.
Dennis: And you know what? Have the gun out and ready to rock.
Charlie: Yeah, in fact we can all have- we'll all have guns.
Dee: It's just safer.
Charlie: You know what, if we maybe ambush Frank with a net or some kind of like rope device, the gun will maybe drop out of his waist.
Dee: You want to bring him in a net?
Dennis: That could get awkward. I say bring a gun.
Dee: Just bring the gun.
Charlie: I don't want to get shot so just bring a gun, will ya?

Dee: [to Frank] Why can't you die and leave us your money like normal parents of America?

Dee: What does the other sign say?
Mac: No minorities allowed

Dee: [on Facebook] Goddammit, why won't this guy be our friend?
Mac: It's like an online shush.

Dennis: Do you have any more crack?
Dee: No one in the history of crack, has ever woken up with more crack.

Dee: So, Artemis, the last time we talked I know things got a little weird, with you licking my brother's face and all. But I need your help with an acting gig, my friend is really dragging me down.
Artemis: What's the venue?
Dee: A sidewalk.
Artemis: I don't do sidewalks.
Dee: That's what I thought. But if you think about it, it's the only true form of artistic expression.
Artemis: Is there any nudity involved?
Dee: No.
Artemis: Can there be?
Dee: No
Artemis: I'll do it anyways.

Dee: Hey, you guys. Watch me bust out this sweet jackknife.
[body slams into pool with a loud smack]
Sean: Oh! Whoa! Are you okay!
Dee: [spitting out water and gasping for breath] Oh, I biffed that one, huh?
Sean: You "biffed" it?
Dee: Whoo! Thank God there wasn't a baby in there, huh?

[about the dance 'contest']
Dee: Place, Paddy's Pub. Time, Saturday. Date, with Charlie Kelly. Prize... PADDY'S PUB?
Dennis: Whoa, dude, you put the bar up as a prize?
Charlie: No, I listed it in the 'Pride' section, the place where you list what you take pride in.
Dee: That's a 'Z', Charlie!
Frank: Didn't you read that goddamn thing?
Charlie: I gave it a once-over!
Mac: Oh, that's it! Your illiteracy has screwed us again!

Dee: [on the phone] Goddammit you guys, I am a teacher now, okay? Don't ever call me here again! I don't have time for your shit, you dumbass dickbags!
[the other teachers stare]
Dee: Wrong number, sorry.

Dee: Real quickly, okay, just a couple of things. I can't really move my arms in this thing so I think I need to rip the pit.
Charlie: It is a rental. Do not rip that costume, okay? It's very expensive.
Dee: All right, fine, but one other thing. I wrote a song, I'm gonna throw it in.
Charlie: I swear to God, you cannot add a song.
Dee: It's gonna happen.
Charlie: I will smack your face off of your face!

Dee: Hey. Ooh, hey! You, help. Over here.
Carl: Me?
Dee: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you, please. Help. Help me. Sit, sit, please sit. Help.
Carl: Is everything okay?
Dee: No, everything's not okay. There are men here, and they're watching me.
Carl: Oh, shit!

Dee: Charlie, what in the hell are you gonna do if this kid's yours?
Charlie: Oh, I don't know, I'll probably, uh, kill myself.

Dee: [reading from note] Taked baby. Meet at later bar, night or day... sometime.
Dee: Charlie!

[eating chips while stoned]
Dennis: Carbs-wise, this is gonna set me back, but I don't even give a shit.
Frank: Yes.
Dennis: Country Mac's awesome.
Frank: Yes.
Dennis: You know?
Dee: This weed that he gave us is awesome.
Frank: Yes.
Dennis: Yeah.
Charlie: Yeah.
Dennis: All these years, I've been feelin' like I hate karate... and, like, I hate Project Badass, and, like... I hate God...
Frank: Yes.
Dennis: But, like... I realized... you know what I really hate... is Mac.
Frank: Yes.
Dennis: Like, he's made all those cool things suck. Not only is he, like, ruining my life... but with all this God shit that he's into... he could be ruining my afterlife.
Frank: Yes.

Dennis: Hey, Frank, why do you have a truck full of water filters? All right, you know what, I don't give a shit. Let's get down to that rally, man.
Frank: Rally?
Dennis: Yeah.
Dee: Yes, the freedom rally, the one you organized.
Frank: Ooh, shit, I'm not gonna go down there. There's gonna be a buncha nuts with guns. Too dangerous.
Charlie: Wait, hold on a second, what's goin' on? I thought you were into guns, you know? Why have you been on TV talkin' about all that shit?
Frank: I bought a stake in Gunther's Guns. I got everybody angry and scared, they bought the guns, I made a fortune.
[he shrugs]
Dennis: Oh, my God, this is crazy. So you don't give a shit about the gun issue at all?
Frank: Ehhhh...
Dennis: I mean, what the hell? You're like the NRA.
Frank: Yeah, little bit like the NRA, little tiny bit. But I-I think of myself more like Al Gore, you know? He got everybody all worked up over global warming, then he made millions.
Mac: Huh?
Frank: Yeah, everybody does it. Liberals, conservatives, doesn't matter. This is America. You're either a duper, or a dupee. I'm a duper. You guys are the dupees.
[he smiles]

Frank: I'm going with you guys because I am bored as shit.
Dee: That's not a good idea because when you get involved people usually get hurt.
Frank: I'm just hanging out with the guys. How's anyone gonna get hurt?
[cue: "Frank Sets Sweet Dee On Fire"]

Jojo: [using the "guilt stresser" machine] Where do my feet go? Dee?
Charlie: Dee, his feet?
Dee: It doesn't make a goddamn difference.

Charlie: I'm asking hypothetical questions here, come on.
Dee: I'm sorry! I'm a little bit preoccupied with being worried about being killed by the mob because a homeless priest ran off with all of our drugs!

Dee: What's going on with Mac and Charlie?
Dennis: It's... I can't get them to stay focused. They keep escalating the conversation into evil curses and opening leather shops in Arizona.
Dee: A leather shop, in Arizona?
Dennis: Yeah.
Dee: They'd be out of business in a weeks time.
Dennis: That's exactly what I said.

Dee: [to Dennis] Well, while you've been picking up bar whores, I've been double-dropping like a bastard out there.
Waitress: Oh my God, you're double-dropping again, Dee?
Dee: Oh, I never stopped double-dropping.

[Charlie, Frank and Dee are fighting over Valentine's Day, and Dennis has had enough]
Dennis: STOP! STOP! STOP! What are you... What are you guys DOING? This is NUTS! THIS IS CRAZY! I can't believe we blew another opportunity to have a working bar, to have a successful business together, because you assholes get so worked up over Valentine's Day, the DUMBEST holiday that ever existed!
Charlie: But I thought you were trying to get us to focus on ourselves and focus on Valentine's Day...
Dennis: WHAT? Are you insane? All I've been saying is to please focus on the bar! But you just couldn't do it!
Dee: Dennis, I gotta say, I feel like this is just about something else...
Dennis: It's not about something else, it's...
Frank: The bar is fine. Something else is up...
Charlie: You know what it is? This is 'cause you hate Valentine's Day.
Dennis: It's not 'cause I hate Valentine's Day, it's because I -- I just...
[stammers]
Frank: That's what it is. He's trying to distract us from Valentine's Day. That's the thing.
Dee: You know why though? You guys, it's because he doesn't have any feelings. And we do.
Charlie: That's it! Yeah, because we have feelings, and you don't! And that's why you hate Valentine's Day!
Dennis: NO! STOP! GODDAMN IT!
[everybody else shuts up]
Dennis: I hate Valentine's Day because you assholes never got me anything! Okay, and I have feelings! Of course I have feelings! I have big feelings, okay? And it hurts. Okay? So... So that's why I hate Valentine's Day, and that's why I put anthrax in the box.
Dee: That was you?
Dennis: Yes, it was me. I just... I just wanted it to stop! It's powdered sugar, by the way... Oh, he's already eating it.
Frank: [eating the powdered sugar] I knew that.

Dee: In the meantime I'll try to sabotage the wedding by luring Brad away from her.
Dennis: Yeaaah.
Mac: Dee, save yourself the embarassment.

Mac: Well, then, what would you say?
Dennis: She's a quitter.
Dee: You know what, I don't even care! I don't care.
Dennis: And that proves my point. Because you don't care, you never succeed.
Mac: Right. Failed.
Dennis: Failure implies that she actually *tried* to be an actor.
Dee: Okay, I did try, it just didn't happen to work out.
Frank: It's not your fault, sweetie. You're just not pretty enough.
Dee: Wow, thank you! That's my dad, everybody.

Dee: [Speaking to Mac] Mac I'm going to stop you right there. Your breath smells like an old lady fart passing through an onion.

Frank: [Charlie and Dee are discussing where to get some human meat from Frank] That wasn't human meat! It was raccoon meat. You probably got a tapeworm, that stuff is loaded with parasites!
Charlie: [Charlie starts laughing hysterically] Raccoon meat! BULLSHIT!
Dee: Oh yes Frank, we're gonna go get some of that human meat of yours!
Charlie: [brandishing a butcher knife] I'M GONNA CHOP A PIECE OF THAT FAT LITTLE CALF MUSCLE OF YOURS AND I'M GONNA EAT IT! GET HIM!
[Charlie and Dee chase after Frank]
Mac: And the hunt is on once again.
Dennis: Oh those two are gonna have so much fun.
[Dennis goes and locks the door]
Mac: Yes indeed. But the question still remains with what to do with Mr. Cricket.
Dennis: Yup Mac, it's just us now. Just you and me, and a couple of pairs of sour, sweaty balls.

Dennis: Wait, so you just painted your butt blue and nobody noticed the hole in your pants?
Dee: Yep, it worked, it worked.
Frank: Well, as long as it works.

Dee: [Yelling] Which one of you little shits stole my shoes?

Frank: I got a plan to get back at your mother!
Dee: Too late, I'm already full throttle over here. I'm going to dig up her body in the middle of the night and snatch back that jewelry.
Frank: That's insane!
Dee: Frank, that woman is buried down there like Mr. T! I got to get to that body while the earth is still loose.

Dennis: I don't get it, Dee, there are tons of women in this city. Where do they go?
Dee: They're at velvet rope clubs on Delaware Avenue.
Dennis: Why?
Dee: Dennis, our bar is south Philly in a scary alley... might as well call it "Rape Bar."

Mac: If the McPoyles got blown, and Charlie got blown, then why didn't I get blown?
Dennis: You're going to hell, dude.
Dee: Seriously.

Dee: I haven't seen you for a month, and I'm standing here in a neck brace. Are you gonna ask me how I'm doing... or what happened... or...
Mrs. Reynolds: I assume you did something stupid.
Dee: Dennis ran me over with his car!
Mrs. Reynolds: There you go again! Don't you think it's about time you start taking responsibility for your actions?
Dee: I...
Mrs. Reynolds: [interrupting her] I want my possessions returned.
[Barbara feeds her dog some food from a plate]
Dee: I was eating that, mother!
Mrs. Reynolds: I've been running around. I haven't had time to feed the dog. Could you stop thinking about yourself for once? And besides, you don't need it, sweetie.
[Dee gasps, squeals, and storms off]
Mrs. Reynolds: Well that's attractive. Maybe if you took a bit more pride in your appearance you could find a man, and then you wouldn've have to steal from your mother. I mean, look at your skin, Deandra. Christ, there is a sun in Philadelphia.

Dennis: You know what's scary about this whole thing really is that I have the same genes as her.
Mac: Yeah, I'm concerned for myself and Charlie as well. We lead a very rock 'n' roll lifestyle.
Charlie: I know!
Dee: I just had a heart attack! Can we focus on me for two minutes here?
Charlie: I feel like we did talk about you...
Mac: Dee, your ship has sailed, okay? It's time to move on to us, the people who are going to live on. Guys, we gotta make sure this does not happen to us.
Dennis: Yeah, that's the important thing here. We need to focus on ourselves.

Dennis: Dee? I swear you would be of more use to me if I skinned you and turned your skin into a lampshade. Or fashioned you into a piece of high-end luggage. I can even add you to my collection.
Dee: Are you saying that you have a collection of skin luggage?
Dennis: Of course I'm not, Dee. Don't be ridiculous. Think of the smell. You haven't thought of the smell, you bitch! Now you say another word and I swear to God I will dice you into a million little pieces. And put those pieces in a box, a glass box, that I will display on my mantel.

Dennis: I mean, look at this girl. What's her story? She's got a decent bone structure. She was probably very pretty when she was young.
Dee: Yeah.
Dennis: Probably spent her summers here, lounging on the beach and scooping ice cream.
Dee: But she didn't want her summers to end, so she got herself a fake ID and a push-up bra and started hanging out at the local bars.
Dennis: Right. Developed a nasty coke habit, 'cause she loved the way it made her feel.
Dee: Mm-hmm.
Dennis: But then extreme highs gave way to extreme lows and she fell into a depression.
Dee: Had herself a kid. Thought it would give her a sense of purpose. And it did, for a while, till she started using again.
Dennis: Mm-hmm. And then Social Services came knocking at the door, and now the kid loves upstate with his grandparents, 'cause she can't take care of this kid. And here she is festering away in a one-bedroom apartment waiting for the HIV to turn into AIDS...
Dee: Ooh!
Dennis: And wondering what the hell...
Stephanie: You know I can hear you, right?

Dee: Where were you when I was in high school?
Trey: I was eight.
Dee: Right... right.

Dee: You're like a couple of locusts.
Mac: Oh, I take that as a compliment.
Dee: It's not a compliment.
Mac: Well it's biblical, so it's a compliment.

Dennis: There's this guy, Bruce, who contacted Dee on MySpace, and he's claiming to be our biological father.
Dee: We just wanted to ask the question and just get it out of the way, is there a chance that that could be possible?
Frank: No.
Barbara: Yes.
Frank: What?
Barbara: Well, Bruce who? Bruce Mathis?
Dee: Yeah.
Barbara: Then yes.
Dee: There's a chance this guy could be our father?
Barbara: No, yes, he *is* your father.
Frank: What the hell are you talking about?
Barbara: Do we really have to get into all of this?
Frank: Yes, we really have to get into all of this!
Dennis: [overlapping] Oh, my god, yes!
Barbara: Fine, fine, fine! Everybody settle down. It's not the end of the world. A long time ago, I met Bruce and we had this little affair, or whatever you want to call it. Long story short: he got me pregnant and I had to make a decision. Seeing as he had no money, I decided that the best thing for everyone was if I didn't tell Bruce and let your father think that the twins were his. End of story.
Dennis: [shocked] End of story?
Frank: How could you do that?
Barbara: I'm sorry. Would you rather I had them aborted?
[to Dennis and Dee]
Barbara: Children, would you like to have been aborted?

Dee: [drops a bag of Oxycontin on the pool table] Boom.
Frank: What am I supposed to do with that?
Mac: You tell us.
Charlie: Bingo told us you know how to sell those drugs.
Frank: I told you not to involve me in that! Did you mention my name?
Dennis: First thing we did.
Dee: You gonna harp on it all day?
Frank: Goddammit! The guy's gonna skin me alive.
Charlie: He is gonna skin you alive.
Dee: Yeah, he mentioned something about it.
Dennis: Will you just pay the mob off so we don't have to sell these pills?
Frank: Dennis, I am not using any more of my money!
Dennis: The mob is gonna kill us, man!
Frank: Look, if I cave on this, I'm gonna be bailing you guys out for the rest of my life. I'm putting my foot down on this one. You bitches gotta earn your own money!

Mrs. Mac: This party sucks!
Dee: You suck!
Charlie's: I need a ride!
Dee: Oh, really? Well, I ain't giving you shit, you old bitch!

[Charlie and Frank are looking at Garbage Pail Kids cards]
Sweet: Are those the stupid cards where babies are doing disgusting things?
Charlie: No, Dee. These are those amazing cards where babies are doing hysterical things.

Dennis: [picking basketball teams] All righty. Uh... You, you, you, you, and you. Come over here.
[all the black kids go to Dennis]
Dennis: All right. Now, the rest of you kids can go with those two losers right there.
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell's going on over here?
Dennis: I'm picking my team.
Dee: No. No, you-you can't- you can't take all...
Dennis: I can't pick the...?
Dee: You can't pick all...
Dennis: What should I not pick?
Mac: You know exactly what you've done, sir.

Artemis: Hey, did he send you any dick pics? 'Cause it could be a mess down there.
Dee: Okay, for the love of God, please don't ask him about his dick.
Artemis: Okay, have it your way. I'll figure it out soon enough.

Dee: [talking on the phone while on steroids] Yes dad, I know the fight is in a few hours, all right? I'm trying to find my goddamn head-band. Is that okay? Is that okay with you, if I find my head-band before I come down there? Is that all right with you dad? Jesus! Why didn't we get the orange one like I said? This one might as well be goddamn camoflaged!
[Dee punches her wall in rage]
Dee: [screaming] Oh, good! Are you happy now? I just punched a hole in my wall!

[repeated lines, said in no specific order]
Mac: Boom.
Dennis: Boom.
Dee: Boom.

Dee: So let's talk turkey and by that I mean money.
Sean: Oh, we just thought we'd pay the standard rate of $20,000.
Dee: 20,000. Okay, I like the sound of that. I'm gonna throw something at you guys so brace yourselves. What are your thoughts on doubling down so to speak and going for twins?
Sean: Aha...
Kate: No.
Sean: No...
Dee: Well, if it's a matter of price, I'm willing to cut you a deal on the second one. And we don't have to stop at two. I've typed up a price sheet I'd like the two of you to peruse. If you look down around number four or five, that's when you really start to see some savings. You guys wanna go for an octomom thing? Huh? I'm game. You wanna have ten? You wanna outdo that bitch? Ha, I'll have that conversation! I'm kidding, I don't want ten people inside of me.

Charlie: I'll tell you what. I'll go with you, but you have to let me borrow your car any time I want.
Dee: No.
Charlie: Every now and then.
Dee: No.
Charlie: One time.
Dee: All right.
Charlie: And, you have to take me to lunch twice a week for a year.
Dee: No, I don't.
Charlie: Once a week.
Dee: Nuh-uh.
Charlie: Today.
Dee: Okay.

Charlie: [at gunpoint] Okay, don't shoot, okay? Just take whatever you want.
Mac: Yeah, take the cash register!
Dennis: Take the girl!
Dee: What do you mean take the girl?
Dennis: Don't argue with him, just go!
Charlie: He's right. You better just go with them!
Dee: But they're not trying to take me anywhere!
Mac: Don't try to be a hero, Dee, just do what they say!
Dee: They're not saying anything!
Charlie: Well, what's the sense? If you keep arguing with them then we're all gonna die!

Charlie: Time to move to phase 2.
Dee: There is no phase 2. I'm not doing phase 2. I did everything you said and it's over.
Charlie: THIS ISN'T OVER UNTIL I SAY IT'S OVER!

Dennis: Holy shit. No, that guy's retarded.
Dee: Well, you're retarded.
Dennis: No, Dee, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying he is an actual retarded person. Yeah, we went to elementary school together. He used to take classes in a trailer outside school. He rode the short bus.
Dee: Whatever. You think I wouldn't know if the guy I'm dating is retarded?
[the gang gives her a look]
Dee: There is no way I am dating a retarded person.

Tommy: You're ugly.
Charlie: You're ugly.
Tommy: You're ugly!
Charlie: You are the one that's ugly!
Dee: Charlie, Jesus Christ! Are you almost 30? Are you almost 30 years old?
Charlie: Yes.
Tommy: You have to buy me a toy.
Charlie: I don't have to buy you shit!
Tommy: If you don't buy me anything, I'm gonna telly my mom you took me to a black people's hospital!

Tan: Let me get this straight. You want to put your baby into a tanning bed?
Mac: That's correct.
Tan: I'm sorry, that's against the law.
Mac: Look, pal, we are well aware of the law, okay? We don't want to jam you up here. We just want to put him in there for a couple of minutes.
Dee: Just to get a base...
Mac: Just to get a base.

Dennis: [picking basketball teams] All righty. Uh... You, you, you, you, and you. Come over here.
[all the black kids go to Dennis]
Dennis: All right. Now, the rest of you kids can go with those two losers right there.
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell's going on over here?
Dennis: I'm picking my team.
Dee: No. No, you-you can't- you can't take all...
Dennis: I can't pick the...?
Dee: You can't pick all...
Dennis: What should I not pick?
Mac: You know exactly what you've done, sir.

Dennis: The customers have to think that you think that you don't want to be together, but you do, deep down, want to be together. The problem is, right now, I'm getting that you guys don't want to be together. I need you to want to be together.
Dee: Ugh.
Mac: [raises hand] Question.
Dennis: Yes, you're wondering how we're gonna make Dee attractive enough to where you'll want to be with her.
Mac: Yes.

Frank: Ah I see you two are enjoying my meat. I was just buying some wine. A nice port to compliment what you two have just eaten. By the way, you know what you've just eaten right?
Dee: Was it venison?
Frank: You WISH it was venison!
Charlie: What is it then?
Frank: THAT which you have just eaten, which your taste buds have savored, which your teeth have just torn apart, THAT is human meat.

Trey: [Dee is chugging beers] Wow, you can really put 'em back, can't you?
Dee: The trick is to just kind of open your throat.

Crack: Whatchu need?
Dennis: Uh, one please.
Crack: One what?
Dennis: Uh, one... rock of crack... A crack rock. Is that enough? Is one crack rock enough?
Dee: Um, how much would you recommend for a first time user?
Crack: Tell you what, I'll make you a deal. Two for the price of one.
Dee: Really? Oh, that's very nice of you.
Dennis: Oh, that sounds good. How much?
Crack: 200 dollars?
Dennis: Sounds reasonable, great. Okay.
[slides money through window]

Dennis: Oh, Dee... Oh! Snyder?
Dee: Mm-hmm.
Dennis: He's clearly using you. Or you're using him to further your nonexistent career.
Dee: I am not using him.
Dennis: Oh, you're not using him?
Dee: Nope.
Dennis: Oh, good, good, good, good. So, you like him?
Dee: Mm-hmm.
Dennis: Find him attractive?
Dee: Absolutely.
Dennis: Describe the ways in which you find him attractive.
Dee: [scoffs] He's got... he's got all of his skin still.
Dennis: Well, I would hope so.
Dee: And that he has plenty of... teeth... to get...
Dennis: But not all of them?
Dee: No, not all of them.

Mac: [on abortion] It's nobody's choice! It should be left up to God!
Dee: Is he jo...? Is that...? Are you... joking?
Mac: No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis? Book two, verse three: And he breatheth into the nostrils of Adam on the first day and it was good.
Dee: Right in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable.
Dennis: [to Mac] You're making an asshole out of yourself.

Dennis: Alright, so how does one go about figuring out what another human being would do? How do you truly get to know someone?
Charlie: You just go through their trash.
Dee: Sleep with them.
Mac: Talk to their priest, then sleep with the priest, then blackmail the priest. Then go back to the priest and ask him to ask God to forgive you for blackmailing him.

Dennis: If you don't like smoke, then don't come into the bar.
Charlie: I *work* in this bar. I work here.
Dennis: But that's because you have the freedom to choose to work here, okay? Smoking bans, they don't protect freedom, they strip it away from smokers
Frank: Look, I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.
Dee: You went to Vietnam in *1993* to open up a sweatshop!
Frank: And a lot of good men died in that sweatshop.

[preparing for a child's beauty pageant]
Mort: Frank. Frank. I need some water. My mouth is dry.
Frank: Your mouth is dry. Go into the toilet and run your mouth under the sink.
[Mac and Charlie raise their hands]
Dennis: Okay...
Charlie: Yeah, can I? Could I? Can I?
Dee: [raises hand] I have a...
Charlie: Who's that?
Frank: He's the mortician. I invited him.

Dee: I want my job back.
Charlie: And you shall have it. Oh, Dee. It looks like we both need things from each other.
Dee: I am not having sex with you, Charlie.
Charlie: No. It's not sex I want from you. It's sex I don't want from Dennis.

Dee: Those goddamn North Koreans.
Dennis: They are some sneaky bastards.

Dee: Rocky IV is not the greatest move of all time.
Dennis: What do you consider to be a good movie?
Dee: I don't know, Million Dollar Baby or something.
Dennis: Are you serious? No way!
Dee: It won an Oscar!
Charlie: It has Stallone punching a Russian's face in to all smithereens!
Mac: Lifting anvils and shit, pulling a truck through snow.
Dennis: Million Dollar Baby is totally unrealistic. Girls can't fight, they don't have muscles.
Dee: That is a horribly sexist thing to say.
Dennis: It's not sexist, it's just truthful, you know.
Charlie: Girls can't pull trucks through snow.
Dee: Could you pull a truck through snow?
Charlie: I absolutely could!
Dee: You can barely walk through the snow, Charlie.
Dennis: That is true.
Charlie: Okay, is the truck in Park or Neutral?
Mac: That is a good question.

Dr. Larry Meyers: [slips on the stage] Ah! Ah! I am shattered to pieces! Ah! Ooh!
Dee: Are- are you acting right now?
Dr. Larry Meyers: No, I'm not acting, you bitch!

[Mac lets Charlie overhear Mac talking on the phone with a woman called Sandy, who unbeknownst to them is actually Dee disguising her voice]
Dee: This is Mac, right? Good looking guy, great sense of humor, really bulky.
Mac: Uh, more ripped.
Charlie: Strike that.
Mac: Jacked.
Charlie: Irrelevant.
Mac: Toned.
Charlie: Exaggeration.
Mac: I work out.
Charlie: I'll allow it.

Dee: [singing] Tiny boy / little boy / baby boy / I need you... Tiny boy / baby boy / want to make love to you, boy...

Dee: Audited? Why, what are you- what are you talking about? I'm not scamming the government if that's what you're saying.
Susan: Your license plate says "$CAMMIN".

[after discovering a glory hole in their toilets]
Dee: Why would you want to have sex with someone you can't see?
Dennis: Well Dee, I think the real question is, why wouldn't you want to have sex with someone you can't see?

Frank: There's nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who's smart and attractive; we have to pretend you're both!
Sweet: Wow, you're a horrible father.

Ryan: What d'ya got here? What's in the box?
Dee: No, that's just a... it's a cock ring. It's a cock ring just from all my lovers...
Ryan: Oh. It's kinda small, huh?
Dee: Well, it's my dad's.

Grant: Deandra, help me out - name an animal that we eat but doesn't eat us.
Dee: Well, Grant, I'll tell you what. I like to eat cock.

Dee: Trey asked me to prom last night. This is getting really weird.
Charlie: That girl Sarah asked me too.
Dee: Are you kidding?
Mac: What? We can't go to the prom, thats pathetic.
Charlie: What do you mean "we"? Who asked you?

Dennis: Name a Philadelphia celebrity you would like to have a drink with.
Dee: Bill Cosby.
Frank: The cards are a little outdated.

Frank: I'm going to go oil my chainsaw.
Dee: What?
Dennis: Frank, we don't need the chainsaw. Is that what's in that bag?
Frank: Oh, we do... because drawing a confession out of someone is like doing a beautiful dance... a beautiful dance with a chainsaw.
Dennis: He makes less and less sense as the days go by.
Dee: I don't get it... at all.