Top 250 Quotes From Charlie Kelly

Dennis: You know what's scary about this whole thing really is that I have the same genes as her.
Mac: Yeah, I'm concerned for myself and Charlie as well. We lead a very rock 'n' roll lifestyle.
Charlie: I know!
Dee: I just had a heart attack! Can we focus on me for two minutes here?
Charlie: I feel like we did talk about you...
Mac: Dee, your ship has sailed, okay? It's time to move on to us, the people who are going to live on. Guys, we gotta make sure this does not happen to us.
Dennis: Yeah, that's the important thing here. We need to focus on ourselves.

Charlie: I'm in love with a man. What? That's right. I'm in love with a man named "God". Does that make me gay? Gay for God? You betcha!"

Mac: "Looking for a new hotspot to spot that stud? Well, Paddy's Irish Pub will plug that hole."
Charlie: Well, that's a good notice.
Mac: No, that is not a good notice. I don't want to be plugging anyone's holes.

Stripper: Oh, look at you sweetie. What happened?
Charlie: [pretending to be a war veteran] Viet-goddamn-nam's what happened! Go get me a beer bitch!

Frank: Charlie, you've got a lot of balls stealing my money. This shows leadership. I am promoting you to management.
Charlie: That's why I did it. That is why I did it.
Mac: That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?
Frank: You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.
Dee: How come Charlie...? Not fair... How come Charlie...?
Dennis: Why would you do this to us, Dad?
Frank: Because you are crackheads, children.

[in overly patriotic denim garb]
Mac: Good call on these outfits, dude.
Charlie: It's the only call.

Charlie: Oh. Yeah, I know. Okay? I was using you. That's why I kissed you in front of the Waitress. That's why I banged you a bunch of times, just to make the Waitress jealous. Amazing. You slept with me almost instantly. And by the way, a quality woman doesn't do that. She doesn't say yes right away. She says no to a man, for years, like 10 years. That's what a real woman does, OK? You know what you were acting like? A stupid little rich slut. And that's all that you are.

Charlie: Why do we never play Night Crawlers anymore, huh?

Mac: You know what, man? I'm kicking it up a notch.We're haunting these bitches.
Charlie: Haunting is cool, man.
Mac: Boom! Coming back from the grave, bitch.
Charlie: Alright, that's cool. That's cool. What is this? What're you doing, like Poltergeist or something?
Mac: Awesome, right? Craig T. Nelson!
Charlie: No, no. Craig T. Nelson is the best, dude, but Poltergeist?
Mac: Yeah, what?
Charlie: It's not scary. It's all about psychological damage. Big deal, look it me. Psychological damage up to here. It doesn't do anything for me, you know? Physical damage, that's what's gonna irritate people.
Mac: Yeah, alright, what do you suggest?
Charlie: Well, I mean, with anything maybe we tie some knives to our fingers and we get a little more serious about this whole murder thing.
Mac: Yeah, haunting.
Charlie: Haunting, right.
Mac: We're gonna haunt them.
Charlie: I'm sorry, I was thinking...

Uncle: As the great Johnny Cochran once said, if the glove doesn't fit, give up.
Charlie: That is not what he said. How are you a lawyer Jack?

Dee: I want my job back.
Charlie: And you shall have it. Oh, Dee. It looks like we both need things from each other.
Dee: I am not having sex with you, Charlie.
Charlie: No. It's not sex I want from you. It's sex I don't want from Dennis.

Charlie: Remember when we made the news show for eighth grade for social studies, dude?
Mac: See, that was real news.
Charlie: Yeah, we didn't distort facts. We told it like it was, you know?
Mac: Yes.
Dennis: Yeah, I remember that video. You guys were burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats.

Charlie: Come one, come all, to a beautiful show! It's gonna be awesome and... some other stuff. Dee dee dee dee doo dee dee dee doo dee dee doo dee. Heh heh. Some other musical stuff!

Charlie: [Charlie and Dee examine bodies in a morgue] These are two dead bodies.
Dee: They're dead. Two dead guys.
Charlie: This is the real deal here.
Dee: [Examining African American specimen] I don't think I can eat this guy.
Charlie: I don't think I can, right? Why is that?
Dee: I don't know.
Charlie: It's not because he's black, though, right?
Dee: Of course not... I don't think so... No.
Charlie: It's because he's dead, right?
Dee: It's because he's dead, that's why not.
Charlie: Good, good, good.
[pause]
Charlie: I've got a question for you: is it racist if we don't eat this guy?
Dee: Well, shit, Charlie. Now it is.
Charlie: I'm sorry, Dee.
[walking over to white specimen]
Charlie: The white guy over here looks better to me for some reason.
Dee: So much better, doesn't he? What is that?
Charlie: You know what it is? Generally, I don't eat dark meat.
Dee: I prefer the white meat. I always have.
Charlie: It's not that guy. It's this guy.
Dee: The problem is: I'm gonna have a really hard time if we're both cannibals *and* we're racists.
Dee: We're not, Dee. Cannibalism? Racism? Dee, that's not for us. You know? Those are the decisions that are best left to the suits in Washington. Okay? We're just here to eat some dude.
Dee: You lost me with Washington, but the rest I agree with. So let's eat a peace of this guy.
Charlie: [long, apprehensive pause] I can't do it.
Dee: No. Me neither.
Charlie: The goods news is, I guess this means we're not racist.

Dennis: All right, buddy, now explain to me how exactly we are going to calculate the totals.
Charlie: Oh, it's easy, dude. You pour gas into the car using one of these funnels, right? And I count how much gas is going into the car.
Dennis: All right, let me- let me just stop you right there. How exactly are you planning on counting a liquid?
Charlie: Uhh, I know how to count, dude. I'm not...
Dennis: [to Mac] Okay, you do it. You do it, Mac, because I can't speak to him. I don't understand him.

Charlie: [at gunpoint] Okay, don't shoot, okay? Just take whatever you want.
Mac: Yeah, take the cash register!
Dennis: Take the girl!
Dee: What do you mean take the girl?
Dennis: Don't argue with him, just go!
Charlie: He's right. You better just go with them!
Dee: But they're not trying to take me anywhere!
Mac: Don't try to be a hero, Dee, just do what they say!
Dee: They're not saying anything!
Charlie: Well, what's the sense? If you keep arguing with them then we're all gonna die!

Dee: So how do we go about doing this? We ambush him, and just sorta barate him into being the guy we wanna be around?
Tabitha: No, you certainly don't barate him. He needs to know your coming from a place of love and concern.
Dennis: Too soft. I think we should come at him with an iron fist and crush him into submission.
Charlie: Right, right, and you know what, if we're taking that approch you might want to be armed at this intervention.
Tabitha: Why-why would I need to be armed?
Charlie: Well, Frank's usually carrying like a little gun around with him and he doesn't really hesitate to use it.
Dennis: And you know what? Have the gun out and ready to rock.
Charlie: Yeah, in fact we can all have- we'll all have guns.
Dee: It's just safer.
Charlie: You know what, if we maybe ambush Frank with a net or some kind of like rope device, the gun will maybe drop out of his waist.
Dee: You want to bring him in a net?
Dennis: That could get awkward. I say bring a gun.
Dee: Just bring the gun.
Charlie: I don't want to get shot so just bring a gun, will ya?

Dennis: Let's talk about your likes and dislikes. Um, how 'bout your favorite food, what would that be?
Charlie: Oh, milk steak.
Dennis: Hm, what?
Charlie: Milk steak.
Dennis: I'm not putting milk steak!
Mac: Just put steak, just put regular steak...
Dennis: I'm gonna put steak.
Charlie: Don't put steak, put milk steak. She'll know what it is.
Dennis: No, she won't know what it is, Charlie. Nobody knows what that is. Okay, alright, what's your favorite hobby?
Charlie: Uh, magnets.
Dennis: Okay, wha- like making magnets, collecting magnets?
Mac: Playing with magnets?
Charlie: Just magnets.
Dennis: I'm gonna put snowboarding. We'll put snowboarding. Alright, what are some of your likes?
Charlie: Uh, ghouls.
Mac: Son of a bitch. What are you talking about now?
Charlie: You know, funny little green ghouls.
Dennis: What, like in movies? In cartoons?
Charlie: Little green ghouls, buddy!
Mac: Don't write ghouls!
Dennis: I'm not, I'm putting travel! Jesus Christ! What are your dislikes?
Charlie: People's knees.
Dennis: Oh, come on! Dude, come on! We'll make the whole thing up, let's get outta here. We're not even gonna use you.
Mac: Bro, you've gotta be kidding. You know what, we'll just make it all up.
Charlie: Cover your knees up if you're gonna be walking around everywhere...

Charlie: I'm asking hypothetical questions here, come on.
Dee: I'm sorry! I'm a little bit preoccupied with being worried about being killed by the mob because a homeless priest ran off with all of our drugs!

Charlie: Remember how great high school was? All those parties, no responsibilities...
Mac: High school was the best.
Dennis: Do you guys even remember high school? I don't think it happened the way you think.
Mac: What do you mean?
Dennis: What I mean Mac, is that the only reason you got to hang out with me and the other cool kids is because you sold us all weed. Everybody thought that you were an asshole.
Mac: I was popular!
Charlie: What are you talking about? Mac was very popular. And I like to think that I was pretty popular myself.
Mac: You were!
Dennis: No, he was. You were popular like a... like a clown is popular.
Charlie: What?
Dennis: Yeah, you made us all laugh, and all the guys knew that you couldn't sleep with their girlfriends.
Mac: Whatever dude. The only reason you got laid is because you dated freshmen.
Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've always had that creepy thing with younger girls.
Dennis: I do not.
Charlie: You're not in high school anymore, pal. So you better keep it in your pants, because it's kind of creepy.
Dennis: You want to know what's creepy? You guys sniffing glue in your mom's basement, Charlie. That's creepy.
[Mac and Charlie become quiet]
Charlie: [after a long pause] Tim Murphy slept with your prom date.

Charlie: [Rickety Cricket, with a set of high-tech new leg braces, just challenged Mac to a danceoff] You know he's not gonna go down easy.
Dennis: Oh no way, dude. He's fueled by vengeance and reinforced with space-age technology.

Charlie: What does Atwater make?
Frank: What do you mean, like, how much money does the company make?
Charlie: Oh, no, I mean *what* do we make?
Frank: I don't follow. We make money.
Charlie: No, I know we make money. I mean, what do we create?
Frank: We create wealth.

Charlie: I thought you said they didn't have alcohol. Look, they got screwdrivers.
Frank: Oh, no, Charlie, that's just orange juice.
Charlie: Orange juice, like the mixer?

Charlie: I feel like you're saying "boy's hole" and it's clearly "soul".

Charlie: Hey, guys, check out who I met buying a crossbow. This dude is the shit.
Ernesto: I shall use this crossbow to pierce my broken heart!
Charlie: Yeah!

Charlie: DJ Fat Michael?
Fat: Yo!
Charlie: Squirrely D?
DJ: My man!
Charlie: Can you please play my tape for a dance chal-LONGE?
Fat: Yes, I can do, my brother!
Charlie: [to Dennis] Cream always rises to the top and you're about to see the white hot cream of an eighth grade boy.

Charlie: That would have been a lot better if I was wearing the duster, dude.
Dennis: Come on, dude, it doesn't fit you. It's too big for you.
Charlie: That's why it's so awesome on me! It's like, "Why's that guy in giant jacket? What is he hiding?"

Charlie: [Frank is downing a bunch of pills with beer] What are you doing?
Frank: I'm taking 'em because I can't sift through the duds. I gotta take 'em all because I gotta get healthy really fast.

Dee: What is "Night Crawlers"?
Dennis: It's a game where they crawl around in the night like worms.
Charlie: I never said that.
Frank: Yeah, well that's what it is.

Mac: And you know what, Charlie? You shouldn't be making these decisions anyway, okay? You're not the decision making type. As the brains of this organization, I should've made this decision.
Dennis: Hey, whoa, whoa, I'm sorry. Since when did you become the brains?
Mac: Uh... I'm sorry. I've always been the brains.
Dennis: What? What are you talking about? I thought I was the brains. What the hell am I?
Mac: You're the looks.
Dennis: Well, yeah, of course I'm the looks, but I always thought of myself as the brains and the looks.
Mac: No, you're the looks, I'm the brains, and Charlie's the wild card.
Charlie: Whoa. That's awesome!
Mac: Yeah! Yeah, that's the classic setup. You know this, no? Look, every great crew in history has followed that basic dynamic, right? Looks, brains, wild card. Think about it. The A-team did it. Scooby Doo did it. The Ghostbusters did it.
Charlie: Oh, shit.

College: [dissecting poop] Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper.
Dennis: All right, well, now we're gettin' somewhere. Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper?
Charlie: It's gonna go both ways, dude. Sorry.
Dennis: Really?
Charlie: Yeah. What else? What else?
College: This appears to be a piece of a credit card.
Frank: Inconclusive.
Dennis: How is that not specific to one of you?
Charlie: I wish it was, man, but that's inconclusive.
College: Oh, boy, there's a good deal of blood in this stool. Whoever's it is should see a doctor.
Charlie: Well, don't give us judgements; just tell us what's in there. What's in there, what else?
College: Is this wolf hair?
Frank: Also inconclusive.
Dennis: Jesus Christ!

Dee: Rocky IV is not the greatest move of all time.
Dennis: What do you consider to be a good movie?
Dee: I don't know, Million Dollar Baby or something.
Dennis: Are you serious? No way!
Dee: It won an Oscar!
Charlie: It has Stallone punching a Russian's face in to all smithereens!
Mac: Lifting anvils and shit, pulling a truck through snow.
Dennis: Million Dollar Baby is totally unrealistic. Girls can't fight, they don't have muscles.
Dee: That is a horribly sexist thing to say.
Dennis: It's not sexist, it's just truthful, you know.
Charlie: Girls can't pull trucks through snow.
Dee: Could you pull a truck through snow?
Charlie: I absolutely could!
Dee: You can barely walk through the snow, Charlie.
Dennis: That is true.
Charlie: Okay, is the truck in Park or Neutral?
Mac: That is a good question.

Mac: I'm wearing a mesh shirt, and it's totally sweet. You guys probably want me to burn it, but I won't, all right? Now, I like this choice. I like the choices I've made. I like who I am, all right? But I realize I've been lying to myself over the past few years, and I'm done lying, okay? And I've found someone who's gonna allow me to be me.
Dennis: Okay, good.
Charlie: Oh, good, all right, yeah.
Dee: Great. Finally. Yes.
Dennis: Let's do this.
Charlie: That all makes sense. Let's get this over with.

Dee: Trey asked me to prom last night. This is getting really weird.
Charlie: That girl Sarah asked me too.
Dee: Are you kidding?
Mac: What? We can't go to the prom, thats pathetic.
Charlie: What do you mean "we"? Who asked you?

Mac: Do you want to shove heroin into your ass?
Charlie: Dude, I don't want to shove anything in my ass!
Mac: All right! This is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are, and not have to shove anything up our asses!

Charlie: This company is being bled like a stuffed pig Mac, and I got a paper trail to prove it. Check this out, take a look at this.
Mac: Jesus Christ, Charlie.
Charlie: That right there is the mail. Now let's talk about the mail. Can we talk about the mail please, Mac? I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, okay? Pepe Silvia, this name keeps comin' up over and over and over again. Every day Pepe's mail's getting sent back to me. Pepe Silvia, Pepe Silvia, I look in the mail, this whole box is Pepe Silvia! So I say to myself I gotta find this guy. I gotta go up to his office, I gotta put his mail in the guy's goddamn hands! Otherwise he's never gonna get it, it's gonna keep coming back down here. So I go up to Pepe's office and what do I find out, Mac, what do I find out? There is no Pepe Silvia. The man does not exist, okay? So I decided, ohh shit, buddy, I gotta dig a little deeper. There's no Pepe Silvia, you gotta be kidding me, I got boxes full of Pepe! All right, so I start marching my way down to Carol in H.R. and I knock on her door and I say, "Caaarol, Caaarol! I gotta talk to you about Pepe!" And when I open the door, what do I find? There's not a single goddamn desk in that office. There is no Carol in H.R. Mac, half the employees in this building have been made up. This office is a goddamn ghost town.
Mac: Okay Charlie, I'm gonna have to stop you right there. Not only do all of these people exist, but they have been asking for their mail on a daily basis. It's all they're talking about up there. Jesus Christ, dude. We are gonna lose our jobs.
Charlie: Well calm down, 'cause here's one thing that's not gonna happen.
Mac: What?
Charlie: We're not gonna get fired.
Mac: We're not?
Charlie: 'Cause we've already been fired.
Mac: We've lost our jobs?
Charlie: Yeah. About three days ago, a couple pink slips came in the mail. One for you, one for me. So what did I do? I mailed them halfway to Siberia.
Mac: Charlie, if we've lost our jobs that means we've lost our health insurance. Which means all of this was for nothing! Goddammit dude, I am having a panic attack. I'm actually having a panic attack.
Charlie: Will you settle down and have another cup of coffee?
Mac: I am, bro.
Charlie: All right, well fine. You know what, Barney, give this guy a cigarette. He's freakin' out.
Mac: Huh? Who?
Charlie: Barney. He's the guy who tipped me off to Pepe Silvia.
Mac: Barney? Who the hell is Barney?
Charlie: You don't see Ba- oh, shit. Where the hell did he...?
Mac: You've lost your mind. You've lost your goddamn mind, Charlie!

Charlie: What is going on up here?
[points to his head and laughs]
Dennis: I never know, man.
Charlie: Daylight.
[pointing to a bright window]
Dennis: Yeah, I like that.
[pointing to Charlie's keyboard beat]
Charlie: Day, Day-man.
Dennis: Dayman?
Charlie: Fighter of the Night Man, Champion of the...
Dennis: Sun.
Charlie: Sun! You're a master of karate...
Dennis: And friendship, for everyone.

Charlie: Today's a big day for me, Tommy.
Tommy: Why?
Charlie: Well, today is probably the best chance I'm ever gonna have of hooking up with this girl, so, uh... Look at me, look at me for a second, pal.
[kneels]
Charlie: Okay, do me a favor. If you're good today, I'm gonna buy you anything you want. Anything in the world, all right?
[Tommy spits on Charlie]
Charlie: Oh, my God! I will smash your face into a... into a jelly!

Mac: Charlie, I have a real dilemma on my hands. Now, normally I would never talk to you about these things because you're so incredibly unreliable, but Dennis, Dee, and Frank are all directly involved in this and I gotta tell somebody man, I am bustin'! Okay... Dennis' mom tried to have sex with me!
Charlie: Interesting...
Mac: Yeah, man! She got naked, she came on to me, I mean that woman is straight crazy but I think I wanna bang her, man! I know I shouldn't do it, it's...
Charlie: I think you should do it!
Mac: ...What?
Charlie: Look, an opportunity like this only comes around once in a lifetime, right?
Mac: Right!
Charlie: And so you'd be a fool to let it slip through your fingers.
Mac: Yeah! That's what I'm thinking! But, it's Dennis and Dee's mom.
Charlie: Yeah, well that means that no one ever, ever's gonna find out.
Mac: That doesn't make any sense.
Charlie: It doesn't have to make sense.
Mac: You're right, I'm gonna do it!
[they both laugh maniacally]

Charlie: Now let's talk about the trash. What do I do with the trash? How do I dispose of the trash?
Dennis: I don't know. We disposed the trash in the dumpster last night. What are you doing with it?
Charlie: I am taking it to the furnace.
Mac: We have a furnace?
Charlie: Absolutely. Where do you think the heat comes from?
Dennis: You burn the trash in the furnace?
Charlie: This bar runs on trash, dude. This bar is totally green that way.
Dennis: How is burning trash green?
Charlie: Uh, because I'm recycling the trash into heat for the bar and lots of smoke for the bar. I'm giving the bar the good smoky smell that we all like.
Mac: The bar smells like trash.

[preparing for a child's beauty pageant]
Mort: Frank. Frank. I need some water. My mouth is dry.
Frank: Your mouth is dry. Go into the toilet and run your mouth under the sink.
[Mac and Charlie raise their hands]
Dennis: Okay...
Charlie: Yeah, can I? Could I? Can I?
Dee: [raises hand] I have a...
Charlie: Who's that?
Frank: He's the mortician. I invited him.

Charlie: Whoa dude, what are you doing? That's my good chair!
Mac: Charlie, it's covered in bird shit.
Charlie: No... it's toothpaste.
Mac: It's clearly bird shit.
Charlie: No, it's not. It's toothpaste.
Mac: Do you even own a toothbrush?

[Mac lets Charlie overhear Mac talking on the phone with a woman called Sandy, who unbeknownst to them is actually Dee disguising her voice]
Dee: This is Mac, right? Good looking guy, great sense of humor, really bulky.
Mac: Uh, more ripped.
Charlie: Strike that.
Mac: Jacked.
Charlie: Irrelevant.
Mac: Toned.
Charlie: Exaggeration.
Mac: I work out.
Charlie: I'll allow it.

Charlie: Okay, I just killed three very large rats that were stuck in glue traps.
Dennis: Good work.
Charlie: No. No, no, that's not good work. I am done with rat detail. That's by far the worst job in the bar.
Dennis: That's why we call it Charlie Work.

Dennis: Alright, so how does one go about figuring out what another human being would do? How do you truly get to know someone?
Charlie: You just go through their trash.
Dee: Sleep with them.
Mac: Talk to their priest, then sleep with the priest, then blackmail the priest. Then go back to the priest and ask him to ask God to forgive you for blackmailing him.

Dennis: Guys, we're forsaking the group dynamic, okay? And truthfully, Charlie, come on. I mean, nobody wants a wild card, okay? It doesn't make any sense. We don't want a maniac in our group. There's no benefit to it.
Charlie: Mm-hmm.
Dennis: Uh, I feel like you just agreed with me but you weren't listening to what I was saying.
Charlie: Yes...
[points to Mac and Dennis]
Mac: You pointed at me like I said something but I didn't.
Charlie: Oh, good.
Mac: Charlie, having someone making wild decisions that make no sense, that benefits nobody.
Charlie: Oh, yes. Right, yes.
Dennis: Is he listen...?
Mac: He's listening. He's not understanding.
Charlie: Yeah, he doesn't even, like, get us, man. It's...
Dennis: We're talking about you!

Charlie: Seven straight hours of lecturing?
Dennis: Yeah, and five hours alone dedicated to the evils of homosexuality, from him?
Dee: Did anyone else notice that he had an erection the entire time?
Charlie: Of course.
Frank: How could you miss it?

Mort: Frank. Frank. I need some water. My mouth is dry.
Frank: Your mouth is dry. Go into the toilet and run your mouth under the sink.
[Mac and Charlie raise their hands]
Dennis: Okay...
Charlie: Yeah, can I? Could I? Can I?
Dee: [raises hand] I have a...
Charlie: Who's that?
Frank: He's the mortician. I invited him.

[the waitress overhears Charlie saying something racist]
Waitress: Coffee, Hitler? I'll be sure to put lots of cream in that for you.
Charlie: No, I'm not Adolf Hitler.

Charlie: [wearing garbage bag and rubber gloves] I'm sorry for your loss.

Mac: Charlie, this is our opportunity to prove to people that we are to be respected. No one is more respected than dudes in prison right?
Charlie: Yeah.
Mac: And what are dudes in prison?
Charlie: Hard?
Mac: Right; this is our chance to get hard.
Charlie: OK OK i just don't know if this is the best way to get hard.
Mac: Of course it is, this is totally hard. Look you want to get hard don't you?
Charlie: I want to get hard. I want to get very very hard.
Mac: Alright, do you want to shove heroin into your ass?
Charlie: Dude I don't want to shove anything in my ass.
Mac: Alright this is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are and not have to shove anything into our asses.
Frank: What in Gods name are you two talking about?
Mac: Frank we're in.
Frank: Great!
[Fires Gun]

Charlie: We really don't know how funny the joke is yet because we haven't seen the girls boobs. Can we see them?

Charlie: Hey, Bingo. Frank sent us.
Bingo: Frank, huh? I'm gonna skin that son of a bitch and wear his face.

Charlie: Let me make a... cream pie... for you, okay? Then you can try it. See what you think.
Dennis: I do not want to taste your cream pie.

Charlie: We can't talk about snakes or smells, what else is there?
Mac: Uh, can you put Jews in the "yes" column? I feel like we gotta get it out in the open.

Charlie: Hey Ry, how you feeling? Hey, look man, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but if your not too busy showering in your brother's urine or plotting your revenge against me, would you mind lighting my cigarette?
[Charlie laughs]
Charlie: Thanks, bro! Hey Liam, I'm sorry I sent you to jail, man. But any time you want to stab me would be great for me!
[Liam stabs him with a fork]
Charlie: Ahhh! Ohh!
Liam: That's what you get, Charlie! You get fork stabbed!

Charlie: For the love of God, find a shirt! Find a shirt, Frank!

Charlie: She also transcribed my work into a format you might consider a little bit more legible.
Dee: Or literate. She added words to it.

Mrs. Reynolds: Jesus Christ, Frank. This place is a shit hole! Is this how you've been living?
Frank: We make it work. What do you want?
Mrs. Reynolds: I want to talk.
Frank: I tried to talk to you weeks ago. You went on vacation.
Mrs. Reynolds: I was trying to scare some sense into you. You were talking about giving away all of our money.
Frank: My money. I made it, you spent it.
Charlie: Burn. There you go, buddy.
[Charlie and Frank hi-five]
Mrs. Reynolds: How can you say that to me? After everything I've done for you. While you were out making money, who do you think was at home cooking and cleaning and raising your children?
Frank: A series of Mexican women?
Charlie: A series... unbelievable, dude. You're on fire.
[they hi-five again]
Mrs. Reynolds: You can choose to live like an animal if you want to, but I refuse to be subjected to it. I want my shit back. You took my shit from our home and I want it back.
Frank: Well, I didn't take anything.
Mrs. Reynolds: It's empty. Someone came in and took everything.
Frank: Maybe you should have somebody deported like you used to in the old days.
Charlie: Beautiful.
[Charlie hi-fives Frank and is then slapped in the face by Barbara]
Mrs. Reynolds: I can't even talk to you anymore. Standing up for yourself. Standing up for immigrants! I don't know what you're turning into Frank, but it's making me sick!

Mac: [in the hospital] We talked about it, and we decided that we need to get rid of that gun.
Dennis: Oh, oh, the gun... yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.
Mac: You could have been killed. Dennis could have killed you
Charlie: Okay, good, yes, I think that would be for the best... ah... mm... Dee, could you get me a nurse?
Dee: Yeah, sure.
[exits]
Charlie: Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun.
Mac: No way!
Dennis: [pulls gun out of his pants] Never.

Dennis: [while training Charlie to become an underground fighter] Why don't you punch this board?
[Dennis grabs a board and holds it up]
Charlie: Okay. Hold it steady for me. Watch your eyes.
[Charlie punches the board and groans in pain]
Mac: That looks like it stings.
Charlie: Oh my god! What is that made out of?
Dennis: It's a board so it's, you know, made out of wood.
Mac: It's like particle board.
Charlie: It's like harder than wood, dude.
Mac: It's actually softer than wood.

Charlie: Bro, I can handle my sedatives.

Charlie: I'll tell you what, let me pop a quick 'H' on the box.
[draws H on box]
Charlie: This way we'll all know it's full of hornets.
Dennis: Do what you gotta do.

Mac: How much cheese have you eaten today?
Charlie: How much cheese is too much cheese?
Dennis: Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese!

Frank: I wanna live like you again, Charlie. I wanna be pathetic and desperate and ugly and hopless.
Charlie: Okay. I'm not ugly.

Frank: [Charlie and Dee are discussing where to get some human meat from Frank] That wasn't human meat! It was raccoon meat. You probably got a tapeworm, that stuff is loaded with parasites!
Charlie: [Charlie starts laughing hysterically] Raccoon meat! BULLSHIT!
Dee: Oh yes Frank, we're gonna go get some of that human meat of yours!
Charlie: [brandishing a butcher knife] I'M GONNA CHOP A PIECE OF THAT FAT LITTLE CALF MUSCLE OF YOURS AND I'M GONNA EAT IT! GET HIM!
[Charlie and Dee chase after Frank]
Mac: And the hunt is on once again.
Dennis: Oh those two are gonna have so much fun.
[Dennis goes and locks the door]
Mac: Yes indeed. But the question still remains with what to do with Mr. Cricket.
Dennis: Yup Mac, it's just us now. Just you and me, and a couple of pairs of sour, sweaty balls.

Charlie: Ahh, I swallowed like a million blood capsulettes, 'cause I was gonna cough like, you know, a handful of blood, to make it real, and now I'm thinkin' like you're not supposed to eat them or something, 'cause they're making me really sick.

Charlie: [singing] They took you Night Man and you don't belong to them. They left me in a world of darkness without your sexy hands and I miss you, Night Man... so bad.

Charlie: I'll tell you what. I'll go with you, but you have to let me borrow your car any time I want.
Dee: No.
Charlie: Every now and then.
Dee: No.
Charlie: One time.
Dee: All right.
Charlie: And, you have to take me to lunch twice a week for a year.
Dee: No, I don't.
Charlie: Once a week.
Dee: Nuh-uh.
Charlie: Today.
Dee: Okay.

Charlie: Hey, Dee, does that guy have, like, a... like, a little hand?
Mac: Charlie, I was gonna say his foot looks small.

Dennis: [digging through trunk] Oh, they're all gonna pay. They're all gonna pay the ultimate price!
Charlie: Whoa!
Mac: Dude, what's all that stuff you're grabbing?
Dennis: Tools! Tools! Duct tape, zip ties and gloves! I have to have my tools!
Charlie: Wh-why do you have a bunch of, like, weird tools in a hidden compartment in your car?
Dennis: It's fetish- it's fetish shit! I-I-I like to bind, I like to be bound!

Mac: [in a retirement home] These places are like prisons.
Frank: Like people getting ass raped?
Charlie: What? Oh, my God, dude. No one's getting ass raped, Frank. Come on, man.
Mac: No, it's just that people don't wanna be here, because they feel like...
Frank: Because they're getting ass raped!

Charlie: You wanna talk America? You wanna learn a little something about America? Dee, let's roll out of here.
Dee: Where are we going?
Charlie: We're gonna go America all over their asses!

Charlie: [struggling to carry his father's body up the mountain alone, Charlie collapses from exhaustion] GODDAMN IT!
[he sits up on his knees]
Charlie: I can't do this! I'm sorry, Dad. I can't do it. This isn't fair! I shouldn't have to carry you up this hill.
[he wipes his eyes]
Charlie: You never carried me up a hill! You never picked me up from school, you didn't read me bedtimes stories, you didn't carry me on your shoulders, you didn't bounce me on... You weren't there! AND I NEEDED YOU!
[crying]
Charlie: I needed you there!
[thunder crashes in the background]
Charlie: You were supposed to carry me! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO CARRY ME!
[he completely breaks down sobbing]
Charlie: Ah, Frank's right, I'm glad you're dead. I'm glad you're dead! Now I don't have to spend the rest of my life waiting for you to pick me up!

Trucker: I do not tangle with lizards no more. No. Back in the day, sure, I would've indulged. Hell, I would've let you turn me into Swiss cheese.
[chuckles]
Trucker: I would've let you make me, uh... make me into a mailbox. Just open the slot and put whatever you want inside.
Dennis: Wow.
Charlie: We wouldn't do that.
Trucker: Not no more. I got a wife now. So I will not suck you and I will not be sucked on by you. Okay? That's it.
Dennis: That's a 10-4.
Charlie: Yeah, we read you loud and clear.

Charlie: I eat stickers all the time, dude!

Charlie: Look how much fun they're having, man.
Mac: Of course they are, they haven't realized how much life sucks yet.

Charlie: Hooooly shit! Is that the ocean?
Dennis: Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean.
Charlie: What's on the other side of it there?
Frank: Europe.
Charlie: Now, how long would it take...
Dennis: Do not try and swim to Europe.
Charlie: *Don't* swim to Europe...
Frank: Do not.

Mac: Frank, you are gonna get us into that country club you used to belong to and we're gonna sell the pills there.
Dennis: That'd be a good place to sell those pills.
Mac: Yes, thank you very much.
Frank: You can't make no $25,000 from that amount of pills. How long you got?
Mac: 'til Friday.
Frank: Mm-mmm. You're gonna have to turn a trick or two; go into prostitution.
Dee: You are disgusting! How could you suggest - I am absolutely not doing that!
Frank: I wasn't talking about you. Guys at those country clubs get hotter broads than you.
Dennis: I would think, yeah.
Mac: Yeah.
Frank: I was saying the male escort is really hard to come by.
Charlie: I'm picking up what you're putting down. I'll do it.
Frank: Eh, Charlie, you're not quite cut from the right cloth.
Mac: Okay. Make it me.
Frank: Mac, you're too low class. All those women are gonna thing they're gonna catch somethin' from you.
Mac: They are.
Dennis: They will.
Frank: I was thinking about Dennis.
Dennis: Right. Now, Frank, will any of these women be attractive in any way?
Frank: Probably not.

Frank: Well, if we're gonna do something like this, we gotta make sure we don't abuse anybody.
Charlie: No, I mean I know what it's like to grow up poor. You know, we gotta treat people with respect.
Mac: Respect is the name of the game. Respect is number one!
Charlie: It's the name of almost every game.
Mac: Absolutely because we understand the plight of the worker.
Charlie: Plight...
Mac: Respect.
Charlie: Respect the plight. What d'ya think, Frank?
Frank: I'm good, go get us some slaves.

Charlie: But I am who I am.
Mac: Yeah, but let's pretend you aren't who you are and just try to attract a woman.

Charlie: Tails never fails!

Mac: Okay, I'm afraid of game show rules.
Dee: You guys, I know what it is. It's failure.
Dennis: That's too pathetic.
Frank: Liberal yahoos taking my guns.
Dennis: That-that is a political firestorm, Frank. No!
Charlie: Oh, oh! The Nightman.

Charlie: I'm not an executioner. I'm the best goddamn bird lawyer in the world.

Mac: Charlie, are you okay?
Charlie: No, I'm not okay! I'm shot in the head!

Mac: [Handing Charlie a pear] Chomp into it.
Charlie: Just bite it?
Mac: Yeah.
Charlie: Okay.
Mac: Like a piece of fruit, you would bite into it...
Charlie: [Charlie bites pear] Agh! Tastes like sand.
Mac: Like sand? Oh, that-that pear's not ripe, dude.
Charlie: Ah.
Mac: He burned us. Gypsy son of a bitch burned us! Excuse me, sir? What are you doing to my friend, Bozo? You burned us. It's dry.
Fruit: You picked it out.
Mac: Well, let's not get into a whole who picked out what. It's... I want my 35 cents back. Charlie, give him the pear.
Charlie: I can't, I just ate it.
Mac: The whole thing?
Charlie: Yeah. It was pretty gross and I...
Mac: The stem and-and the core?
Charlie: You didn't tell me not to eat the stem, dude!
Mac: Did you eat the stickers that are all over it?
Charlie: Yeah, it was gross!
Mac: Of course it's gross... it's a sticker, bro!
Charlie: I eat stickers all the time, dude!
Mac: Oh my god! This whole thing is a disaster. I'm going back to the car.

Charlie: Domino, biatch!

Charlie: [to the priest] What the shit man?
Charlie's: [whispers] Charlie!
Charlie: My mother is dying of cancer and you need money to fix a statue?
[Priest places hand on Charlie's mother to comfort her]
Charlie: No, no, no, no. Don't give me this act.
Mac: Charlie, calm down.
Charlie: No, no. Why don't you give us some money? How much is that ring worth? That looks like an expensive ring. Can we have the ring?
Mac: Okay. All right. I'm sorry, Father.
Charlie: This is bullshit!
Mac: I will pray for his sins. I'm sorry.
Dennis: Hey Charlie, Charlie.
Mac: [to Charlie] What are you doing.
Dennis: It's okay. I got this. I got this.
Charlie: What am I doing? What is HE doing?
Dennis: Listen. Don't get all riled up about this scam or that scam, you know. It's all a big scam, okay?
Charlie: Yeah.
Dennis: But I will say this - the church's scam? It's a pretty good one. It's effective. Look at all the money these people are giving to the church. So I say we use that model to raise money for your mom at Paddy's. Guys. Let's throw a beef and beer.

[repeated lines, said in no specific order]
Mac: Absolutely.
Charlie: Absolutely.
Dennis: Absolutely.

Frank: [looking for someone via MySpace so he can kill him] Shit! He hasn't accepted my friend request!
Charlie: Relax, Frank. Sometimes it takes a while.
Frank: It's been days! I have no friends!
Charlie: Would you stop saying that? You have friends.
Frank: Yeah, I got you, I got this guy, Tom, and this crazy lady who claims we had a one-night-stand 30 years ago.
Charlie: Yeah, but Tom doesn't really count. He sort of comes with it.

College: [dissecting poop] Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper.
Dennis: Alright, well now we're gettin' somewhere. Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper?
Charlie: It's gonna go both ways dude, sorry.
Dennis: Really?
Charlie: Yeah, what else? What else?
College: This appears to be a piece of a credit card.
Frank: Inconclusive.
Dennis: How is that not specific to one of you?
Charlie: I wish it was man, but that's inconclusive.
College: Oh boy, there's a good deal of blood in this stool. Whoever's it is should see a doctor.
Charlie: Well, don't give us judgements, just tell us what's in there. What's in there, what else?
College: Is this wolf hair?
Frank: Also inconclusive.
Dennis: Jesus Christ!

Dee: Arrogance, vanity, all over. He's underwater, like a Range Rover.
Dennis: I'm sorry, what is this? What are you doing?
Dee: Def Poetry.
Dennis: Don't do that.
Charlie: Makeup... smearin'. No power steerin'. He be talkin', but we don't be hearin'.
Dennis: I command you to stop.
Dee: Speaks like Zeus.
Charlie: Smells like poops.
Dee: Rage all over from his head down to his shoes.
Dennis: Zeus, poops and shoes? Guys, you suck at Def Poetry.

Dennis: What's with the uh, curtains?
Charlie: I'm living in a world of darkness.
Dennis: Right. Let's get some light in here.
[pulls down curtains and sees Charlie with silver spray paint around his nose and mouth from huffing]
Dennis: Whoa, what's with the spray paint, man?
Charlie: Uhh, what's with your outfit, man?
Dennis: Why don't we put the curtains back up?
Charlie: No, no. What is going on up here?
[points to his head]
Dennis: I never know, man.
Charlie: [starts a beat with his electric piano] Daylight...
[points to windows]
Dennis: Yeah, I like that.
Charlie: Day-Dayman.
Dennis: Dayman.
Charlie: Fighter of the Nightman. Champion of the... sun. You're a master of karate...
Dennis: ...and friendship, for everyone.
Charlie: Dayman, that's it!
Dennis: Dayman, ahh-ahh-ahh!
Charlie: ...Fighter of the Nightman.
Dennis: Ahh-ahh-ahh.
Dennis: Champion of the sun. Ahh-ahh-ahh. You're a master of karate and friendship for everyone! Dayman.

Mac: I'm starting to see myself as more of a problem solver, I think that actually could be a new identity. I'm gonna put that on the list, you guys are gonna wanna hear this... So, uh, Dutch first. Dutch first, then gay, then problem solver. Now, could you repeat that back to me, 'cause I think...
Charlie: Oh dude, shut up! Oh my God! Alright, you're Irish, Mac.
Frank: Yeah. You're not Dutch.
Mac: What?
Charlie: You're Irish, right? But we knew you were gonna be so goddamn annoying about it on the trip, and that it was gonna be the only thing you talked about, so we paid your mom to tell you you were Dutch!
Frank: It cost us a couple of loosies.
Charlie: Yeah.
Dennis: Yeah, your mom does not like you, dude.
Charlie: Yeah, but I mean, Luther Vandross, Mac? Really? Luther Vandross?
Dennis: Come on, Mac.
Charlie: But somehow, it's been even worse! You're talking about your identity even more! I can't believe it!
Mac: Why would you do that?

Charlie: Trust in God, he'll give you shoes!

Charlie: [after Dennis hits him with his SUV] Dennis, you son of a bitch!

Frank: I want this sushi dinner to be the tits.
Charlie: Oh, okay, so you want it to be, like, really expensive.
Frank: No, I wanna eat sushi off of some Jap broad's tits!

Mac: He always puts some like awesome twist at the end of his movies to trick the audience.
Charlie: Aw yeah, yeah, like in The Sixth Sense you find out that the dude in that hair piece the whole time, that's Bruce Willis the whole movie.

Dee: What is this thing?
Charlie: That's Dennis' prototype. Be careful with that.
Dee: No, I know it's the prototype but I don't get how it works.
Charlie: Dee, you're asking a million questions. All right look, I'm just going to walk you through it, so pay attention. Okay, look, the pretty lady gets naked, of course, and I help her into the prototype, yes? My hands sort of guiding along her body making sure that it fits properly. Now the dress is starting to look fantastic, you know? And she feels very excited, she feels very sensual and I feel very sensual about her because she looks so good. And then, you know, we chit-chat a little bit, no big deal but she asks me back to her place. Where did that come from? I accept, you know? And then we chit-chat at her place, it's no big deal, but eventually she says, "Do you want to make love, Charlie?"
Dee: Oh, God.
Charlie: And I say, "Are you serious? Because yes, I do." And then just boom, we're in to it and it's hot and it's passionate.
Dee: Charlie...
Charlie: And then it's just you and me babe...
Dee: Oh, my God.
Charlie: ...Like all night long...
Dee: Charlie...
Charlie: ...And I satisfy her so many times. She starts screaming my name...
Dee: Charlie!
Charlie: "Charlie!" she says...
Dee: Charlie!
Charlie: ..."Charlie!" she says, "Charlie!" she says...
Dee: CHARLIE, Jesus!
Charlie: Dee! What are you... I thought you had walked back over...
Dee: No, I've been standing here the whole time!
Charlie: Look, I was in the middle of a...
Dee: Are you going to help me with this or not?
Charlie: I'm trying to... What are you doing, because you're looking pretty...
Dee: Oh Jesus, I'm just going to do this myself.

Dennis: Look, okay. Absolutely, we could cave the husband's skull in here. Yes, we could take the wife down to the basement, have a frenzied free-for-all with her. We could tie the little kids up in their little rooms upstairs so they wouldn't hear any of it.
Mac: Dennis, in that scenario, we'd have to kill the kids 'cause they've would've seen our faces.
Dennis: Right, we could smear the walls with their blood. Guys, there are any number of twisted scenarios that could play out here. But I think the easiest thing, really, is to just go get the deed.
Charlie: Right. Why get weird?

Charlie: Here's a confession: I'm in love with a man. What? I'm in love with a man... a man named God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha.

Dennis: Hey, Frank, why do you have a truck full of water filters? All right, you know what, I don't give a shit. Let's get down to that rally, man.
Frank: Rally?
Dennis: Yeah.
Dee: Yes, the freedom rally, the one you organized.
Frank: Ooh, shit, I'm not gonna go down there. There's gonna be a buncha nuts with guns. Too dangerous.
Charlie: Wait, hold on a second, what's goin' on? I thought you were into guns, you know? Why have you been on TV talkin' about all that shit?
Frank: I bought a stake in Gunther's Guns. I got everybody angry and scared, they bought the guns, I made a fortune.
[he shrugs]
Dennis: Oh, my God, this is crazy. So you don't give a shit about the gun issue at all?
Frank: Ehhhh...
Dennis: I mean, what the hell? You're like the NRA.
Frank: Yeah, little bit like the NRA, little tiny bit. But I-I think of myself more like Al Gore, you know? He got everybody all worked up over global warming, then he made millions.
Mac: Huh?
Frank: Yeah, everybody does it. Liberals, conservatives, doesn't matter. This is America. You're either a duper, or a dupee. I'm a duper. You guys are the dupees.
[he smiles]

Dennis: [trying to persuade a bank clerk to give them a loan] You know, I just had a crazy thought. How's about I take you to the back and "change your mind"?
Charlie: Or how about we all go in the back and have great sex?
Dennis: What are you doing?
Charlie: Hm? I'm playing the wild card here, man, so...
Mac: No, dude. Just let Dennis do his thing, okay?
Charlie: I can be very sensual with a woman, all right? You will enjoy it.
Dennis: Now is not the right time to pull the wild card, okay? Let me do my thing. Let me do the seducing.
Mac: Look, let Dennis bang her so we can get our loan.
Charlie: Well, here's a scenario. What if she wanted to bang me, or you for that matter...
Dennis: You can't pull the wild card when I already have my shirt off. That should be a rule. Can that be a rule?
Mac: Yes, that's a rule.
Charlie: Well, your shirt's not off.
Dennis: [takes off shirt] Well, now it is, goddammit, bitch. Back off.
Charlie: Oh, yeah?
[takes off shirt]
Charlie: Oh, wow, now, baby!
Dennis: Come on, man! This is my job!
Mac: [takes off shirt] Now I feel like I should do it.
Dennis: What are you doing? Goddammit. Well, okay, so...
Mac: Why don't you decide? Which one of us do you want to take you in the back and bang you?

Charlie: I've got a confession: I'm in love with a man. "What?" I'm in love with a man. A man called God. Does that make me gay? Am I "gay for God"? You betcha.

Mac: Now, this is smart. The first step to becoming an American, get a credit card.
Dennis: Oh yeah, man, we need this guy to build up copious amounts of debt. That's the best way for him to build up his credit. We're doing him a favor here.
Charlie: We're doing him a huge favor! And do you realize how extreme this is to go from no debt to good ol' fashioned American debt? That's the way to do it. Plus, I've been envisioning someone else paying for this thing the entire time.
Dennis: I'm also envisioning him unloading all the shit into the car.

Mac: [panicking] Guys, why aren't the brakes working?
Charlie: Because I cut the brakes! Wild card, bitches! Yeeee-haw!
[jumps out of truck]

Dennis: Let's talk about your likes and dislikes. Um, how 'bout your favorite food? What would that be?
Charlie: Oh, milk steak.
Dennis: Hm, what?
Charlie: Milk steak.
Dennis: I'm not putting milk steak!
Mac: Just put steak. Just put regular steak.
Dennis: I'm gonna put steak.
Charlie: Don't put steak, put milk steak. She'll know what it is.
Dennis: No, she won't know what it is, Charlie. Nobody knows what that is. Okay, all right. What's your favorite hobby?
Charlie: Uh, magnets.
Dennis: Okay, wha- like making magnets, collecting magnets?
Mac: Playing with magnets?
Charlie: Just magnets.
Dennis: I'm gonna put snowboarding. We'll put snowboarding. All right, what are some of your likes?
Charlie: Uh, ghouls.
Mac: Son of a bitch. What are you talking about now?
Charlie: You know, funny little green ghouls.
Dennis: What, like in movies? In cartoons?
Charlie: Little green ghouls, buddy!
Mac: Don't write ghouls!
Dennis: I'm not, I'm putting travel! Jesus Christ! What are your dislikes?
Charlie: People's knees.
Dennis: Oh, come on! Dude, come on! We'll make the whole thing up, let's get outta here. We're not even gonna use you.
Mac: Bro, you've gotta be kidding. You know what? We'll just make it all up.
Charlie: Cover your knees up if you're gonna be walking around everywhere...

Mac: [wearing goggles] Now I can determine a subject's threat level without him being able to feel my retinal assessment.
Charlie: Which is a great advantage because the guy can't see how scared Mac is.
Mac: Yes, and- No, that's not what it's about.
Charlie: Oh, I thought you were scared every time...
Mac: That's classified!

Charlie: Alright, well the problem was that I got the flashlight on and I taped the whole deal up and I realized I'd have to cut all the tape off to get the tape in and I didn't have much more duct tape so I figured stick with the flashlight while we got it.
Mac: So you never put a tape in?
Frank: While we were out there taping the guys with the fish!
Mac: In the nursing home! Outside!
Charlie: Oh my god! See what's happening here is we're getting a yelling and!
Mac: Yeah we're gonna get yelling!
Charlie: Oh I'm sorry! OH I FORGOT TO PUT A TAPE IN! I FORGOT TO PUT A TAPE IN!

Liam: So, do you want a beverage of some sort?
Charlie: No... where's your brother, dude?
Liam: We just stepped out of the shower. He'll be down in a minute.
Charlie: Alright, listen. You guys can't go... did you just say "we"?
Liam: What?
Charlie: Did you just say "We just stepped out of the shower"?
Liam: ... I said he.

Charlie: GOOD MORNING, JUAREZ FAMILY!

Mac: Who's the most underrated actor of all time?
Charlie: It's Dolph Lundgren.

Dennis: [on phone] Yeah, all right, well, what was the name on the order?
[laughs]
Dennis: Spider-Man. That's very clever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Frank: Dennis, ask him how it's possible for him to talk to you through a cut phone wire.
Dennis: How is it possible for you to talk to me through a cut ph...
Frank: [holds up cord] I cut it when I found the pizza.
Charlie: Holy shit. Dennis is Spider-Man.

Charlie: You know there was a time where I'd help you raise this little dumpster baby brother of mine like a son. But that's gone now 'cause you ruined it. You threw your babies away. And you threw your swords away. You threw your golf clubs and your tasty treats! And ya know what? I found 'em. And I'm gonna raise all of them!

Mac: You can have more than one best friend, right?
Dennis: Absolutely! Absolutely.
Charlie: Yeeeah, the three best friends!
Dennis: Yeah, the Three Amigos!
Charlie: Uh, the three, um...
Dennis: Musketeers!
Mac: Blind mice!
Charlie: The three...
Mac: Stooges.
Dennis: I don't wanna be associated with those...
Charlie: I wanna, I wanna get one! Uh...
Mac: There's another one out there.
[Charlie struggles]
Mac: Move past it!
Charlie: I can't get it! All right!

Dee: [about the dance 'contest'] Place, Paddy's Pub. Time, Saturday. Date, with Charlie Kelly. Prize... PADDY'S PUB?
Dennis: Whoa, dude, you put the bar up as a prize?
Charlie: No, I listed it in the 'Pride' section, the place where you list what you take pride in.
Dee: That's a 'Z', Charlie!
Frank: Didn't you read that goddamn thing?
Charlie: I gave it a once-over!
Mac: Oh, that's it! Your illiteracy has screwed us again!

Dennis: What the hell is going on?
Charlie: That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because Maureen Kanallen said that she saw Tammy flirting with Walt Timny at a party, but she was only doing it to make Trey jealous because you know, she thought that Trey secretly liked Erin Henebry, but he doesn't like Erin Henebry, it was all a bunch of bull.
Dee: [wanders over] What is happening?
Charlie: That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because...
Mac: Okay, you know what, Charlie? You gotta stop, honestly.

Charlie: I don't know. I did everything right and I can't get past the letter D, dude.
Dennis: What did you do exactly?
Charlie: I broke into her place, I ripped her sink apart, I brought a bag of hair, you know what I mean? And I come across looking like a total jerk!

Charlie: Hey, look, I'll swallow that eraser whole just to prove to you...
Principal: Oh, no, please.
Charlie: I'll swallow it whole!
Principal: No, no, no, you don't have to do that. But I have to say I don't think I've ever encountered someone who's so passionate about joining our custodial staff.
Charlie: The passion I have for the work that I do is extraordinary. It probably goes beyond janitor. And I'm serious, I'll eat that eraser whole.
Principal: Oh, no. It's not- you don't need to eat the eraser to prove your point. Uh, you have the job.
Charlie: Are you serious?
Principal: I love your attitude. It's fantastic.
Charlie: Sir, I am not gonna let you down. I mean, I am gonna start cleaning immediately, immediately! Uh, but first, can I eat the eraser?
Principal: Are... you're saying you want to eat the eraser?

Charlie: I mean, shit, if you want it to be a bicep, it needs more veins!

Da': I love you guys, man. You know, you remind me of my kids.
Dennis: Oh, you got kids, Maniac?
Da': [long pause] Nah. Not anymore.
[walks away distraught]
Dennis: What does that mean?
Charlie: We got a problem. What is he- what is he talking about with his kids?
Dennis: Did he kill his kids?

Dennis: If you guys love Christmas so much, why do you always wait until the last possible minute to put up the Christmas decorations? It is the day before Christmas.
Mac: That's our tradition.
Charlie: Yeah, that's what we do. We drink a lot of eggnog. We pass out. And then we don't put anything up, so we do it at the last minute.
Mac: Yeah, then we wake up at Christmas and celebrate by throwing rocks at moving freight trains.
Dee: Why would grown men throw rocks at trains?
Mac: Why wouldn't we throw rocks at trains? It's beats throwing rocks at passing cars, or at people.
Charlie: It's awesome. That's what you do on Christmas morning. We've been doing it since we were kids. Look, whatever. I'm sorry that we love Christmas and we have awesome Christmas traditions and you guys hate Christmas.
Mac: They hate Christmas because I always got the best gifts, and Frank always gave them shitty presents.
Dee: You think we don't like Christmas because Frank gave us shitty presents?
Dennis: Is that really what you think? No, Frank didn't buy shitty presents. Frank bought the most awesome presents in the world. As a matter of fact, he would find out whatever Christmas presents we wanted that year... and he would buy them for himself instead of buying them for us.
Charlie: Really? That must have been why he wanted me to walkie you guys when you got to the bar. 'Cause he was trying to do something about making your Christmas better. Or worse.

Charlie: [interrupting Billy arguing with Sara] Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Give me some eyes! Look at me! Cool your jets!
Billy: I'm sorry.
Charlie: All right, beat it!
[Charlie pushes Billy away]
Charlie: [talking to Sara] Are you okay?
Sara: He's such a player.
Charlie: Is he a player?
Sara: Big time.
Charlie: I hate players. All right, I'm sorry. I'm getting fired up here.
[Charlie walks away with Mac]
Mac: Charlie, that was the coolest thing you've ever done!
Charlie: I know. I'm gonna be sick.

Charlie: We're both men of the law, you know? We get after it, you know, we jab a jaw, we go tit for tat, we have our little differences, but at the end of the day you win some, I win some, and there's a mutual respect left over between us.
Attorney: No, any respect that you're feeling that's coming from me is a mistake on your part.

[Dennis mimics an Arab jihad video]
Charlie: Cut, cut, cut, cut. What the hell are you doing, dude?
Dennis: [uncovers face] That's what those tapes sound like.
Charlie: Why don't you read the script that I wrote.
Dennis: I'm not reading the script you wrote. It's in English, and it's riddled with spelling errors.
Charlie: Well, you know what I'm trying to write, just say it.
Dennis: No, I'm just gonna mumble some guttural sounds. Let's do another one.
Charlie: He's not gonna know what you're saying!
Dennis: Well, then we'll do subtitles or something!
Charlie: How am I gonna do subtitles?
Mac: I feel like I should have something in my hands.
Dennis: You don't need anything in your hands.
Mac: Like a weapon. A machete or a machine gun or something.
Dennis: Okay, why don't you head down to the Wawa and pick up a machine gun!
Charlie: Read the script.
Dennis: I'm not gonna read the script.
Charlie: Read the- who's the director here?
Dennis: I don't care, I'm not reading the script!
Charlie: Alright, fine. Action!
Dennis: Bro, can I get my towel over my face again?
Charlie: Oh, yeah, put your towel on your face.
Dennis: Alright, here we go.
Charlie: Action.
[Dennis speaks mock arabic]
Mac: [interrupts] I'm gonna get a weapon. I'm gonna get a weapon!

Mac: I've changed my mind, I'm playing the Nightman!
Dennis: Why would you wanna play the Nightman?
Mac: The Nightman's badass, dude. He has the eyes of a cat and does karate across the stage.
Charlie: Where are you getting that from? Karate?
Mac: I made that up, man. It's gonna be great.
Dennis: This is great. That frees up the Lead Boy role and the Dayman role. I can play both those.
Charlie: No, I don't want you guys switching roles. That's not how it works.
Mac: Hey Frank, you got a guy that does cat eyes?
Frank: [on phone] I'm already on it.

Dee: Charlie, what in the hell are you gonna do if this kid's yours?
Charlie: Oh, I don't know, I'll probably, uh, kill myself.

Charlie: All right, toss me the keys!
Frank: Here ya go.
[throws keys into the water]
Charlie: What the hell was that?
Frank: That's the keys, I threw 'em right at ya!
Charlie: I asked you to toss 'em, you threw 'em overhand!

Charlie: Will you just help me out, man? This is Johnson's mail, okay? Now Johnson's gone AWOL for the week with the wife and kids down in Orlando so I want you to keep a pile in a neat stack somewhere that's all Johnson's mail.
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. This guy's in Orlando for the week?
Charlie: Yeah man, help me out here.
Mac: Hold on a second, bro. This is the perfect opportunity. I'm gonna hang out in his office and pretend I'm the new guy.
Charlie: Uhh, I don't think that's gonna work, dude.
Mac: Uhh, have you seen the Secret of My Success?
Charlie: Uhh, they're gonna catch on to you.
Mac: Uhhh, yeah but before they do I'm gonna come up with an idea that will save the company millions and they'll be forced to promote me.
Charlie: Uhhh, are you sure? How's that movie end, dude?
Mac: Uhhh, I can't remember it. Ooh, yeah, he bangs that old lady and then they play that song from the '80s, uh, Day Bow Bow.

Bill: [after snorting a white powder] Jesus son, what did you cut this with?
Bobby: Shut up bitch.
Charlie: Your son? Your son is your dealer?
Bill: He's reliable.

Charlie: I got the Lord, I got the Lord, I got the good Lord he's goin' down on me, down on me.

Dennis: [the gang talks about the city's serial killer as Mac suddenly walks into the bar] This guy got laid last night!
Mac: [nervously] No, I didn't!
Dennis: Yeah, you did. You didn't come last night.
Mac: Yes, I did!
Dee: Yeah, those are the same clothes you were wearing yesterday.
Mac: No, they aren't. They're different clothes.
Dennis: Hey, what's with those scratches on your neck?
Mac: Scratches? What scratches? I've... I've gotta take a piss. Stop asking me questions.
[runs into the bathroom]
Dee: Well, that was weird.
Charlie: I wonder what got into him.
Frank: Serial killin'!

Dennis: If you don't like smoke, then don't come into the bar.
Charlie: I *work* in this bar. I work here.
Dennis: But that's because you have the freedom to choose to work here, okay? Smoking bans, they don't protect freedom, they strip it away from smokers
Frank: Look, I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.
Dee: You went to Vietnam in *1993* to open up a sweatshop!
Frank: And a lot of good men died in that sweatshop.

Mac: There are two guys in this church that are gay!
Charlie: Who's the other guy?

Charlie: Whoa, I bring nothing to the table? Oh, really? You ever stop for one second to think about hey, where did all the groceries come from, Frank? Oh, how did my laundry get so clean? Oh, oh, who washed all the dishes today?
Frank: Nobody washes the dishes! We eat the food directly off the coffee table, and you know it!

Charlie: Uh, later dudes. S you in your A's. Don't wear a C and J all over your B's.

Charlie: [Charlie's America Song] I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass, Gonna kick some ass in the USA, Gonna climb a mountain, Gonna sew a flag, Gonna fly on an Eagle, I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, Gonna kick some ass, Gonna rise up, Kick a little ass, ROCK, FLAG AND EAGLE!

Mac: [digging through his childhood stuff and finds Simon game] Yeah! Boom! 'Member that?
Charlie: [gasps] Simon?
Mac: Simon.
Charlie: Dude, this game was my favorite. Do you remember how challenging this was?
Mac: Yeah. But Charlie, don't get lost in that, okay? Just...
[beeps]
Charlie: I got the first one, bro.
[beeps twice]
Charlie: Uh-oh.

Charlie: Mom, if you know something, you got to tell me.
Bonnie: I can't lie to my Charlie.
Charlie: Good! Tell me everything.
Bonnie: Okay. They were both here. They were both inside me. Eduardo was in my mouth, and Luther was in my butt.
Charlie: Oh, my God, no, don't tell me everything. What? No! What?
Mrs. Mac: Dammit, Bonnie.
Mac: Eduardo who?
Bonnie: Sanchez.
Mac: Holy shit. Tell us more.
Bonnie: Then Luther went in Eduardo's butt for a while.
Mac: Tell us less. Tell us less.
Bonnie: Then they both "completed" on each other. I-I was left out of the finale.

Charlie: I thought women our age didn't give hickeys anymore.
Dennis: No, they don't. Young ladies do though, and I met an extremely young lady the other day and she gave me this hickey.
Charlie: Weird.
Dennis: She was legal, she was totally legal. I always check their lisences.

Charlie: I'm a patriot. You've gotta give me that.

Charlie: Wait, you followed me all the way home?
Sun: [nods]
Charlie: So, you saw me eat that Hot Pocket out of the trash?
Sun: [nods]
Charlie: You got any... feelings about that?
Sun: [shakes her head no]
Charlie: Wow, I like you, come on in.

Charlie: Alright. So what's the vig?
Frank: What?
Charlie: Yeah, man. What's the vig on this action?
Frank: Do you even know what VIG means?

Charlie: It's a one-time flip. We'll go to your - that shady guy, Bingo, that you know. We'll say, "Here's a pile of drugs. Give us some money." And then...
Frank: Uh-huh. Oh, no, no, no. You don't go to Bingo. Bingo is my contact.

Charlie: [to Dennis, while singing] I know something you don't know.

Dee: I'll make you my king. Just accept my request to consummate.
Charlie: Consummate, what is that?
Dee: Have sex.
Charlie: Oh. So, um, we should have sex then?
Dee: ...In the game.
Charlie: Yeah, in the game. Sure, yeah. Either way. Uh, so push "enter" hard? Or one, like, slow push and you do your thing? Or a little circular action...?
Dee: Just push the button, Charlie.

Dennis: [walking towards front door] All right, well, just let me do the talking.
Charlie: Well, I feel like you gotta, at least, talk with a Southen accent, man.
[rings doorbell]
Dennis: No, I'm not gonna talk in a Southern accent. It's bad enough that you wore this stupid disguise.
Charlie: But we're oil men. We would have Southern accents.
Dennis: Yeah, but we don't need bolo ties and stupid hats.
Charlie: Yes, we do. She's going to think - uh...
[woman opens door]
Dennis: Hello, ma'am. Oh, what a lovely housedress.
Charlie: [heavy Southern accent] Yeah, well, you're looking all sorts of good.
Dennis: Now, you seem like a sweet, sophisticated, nice, busy, young lady, so we're not gonna waste your time today.
Charlie: Nah. We're just a couple oil men in from Dallas, and, well, we're itching like a hound to give you a-something you want.
Dennis: [awkward pause] What my
[clears throat]
Dennis: associate is trying to say is that we're here to offer your community a much-needed service
[interrupted by Charlie]
Charlie: Hells, yeah! We want to fill you up, if'n you are so inclined as to let us.
Dennis: [whispers to Charlie] Please let me do the talking. Please let me
[interrupted by Charlie]
Charlie: Now, we ain't gonna take 'no' for an answer now, you hear? Okay? So don't be making me sic my associate on you here, alright?
[gestures towards Mac in van]
Charlie: He don't take kindly to 'no'. So, can I fill you up, or what?
[awkward pause, cut to Charlie and Dennis entering van]
Charlie: Yep, you best get to stepping, 'cause Johnny Law's a-coming.
Dennis: Yeah, you might want to start driving because she called the cops on us.
Mac: [gestures to Charlie] Why is he talking like that?
Dennis: Well, 'wildcard' over here decided to lose his mind.
Charlie: I say, I say, that's just damn preposterous, boy.
Dennis: Well, now you're just talking like Foghorn Leghorn!

Charlie: What are you getting, an autograph? No, we're good, man. That's alright.
Dennis: We don't need an autograph, man. We were actually here for a different...
Da': [hands Charlie a piece of paper] God bless you, man. You have a good time, you know, whale away...
Charlie: This is a parking ticket.

Charlie: Cat in the wall, eh? Okay, now you're talkin' my language!

Tommy: You're ugly.
Charlie: You're ugly.
Tommy: You're ugly!
Charlie: You are the one that's ugly!
Dee: Charlie, Jesus Christ! Are you almost 30? Are you almost 30 years old?
Charlie: Yes.
Tommy: You have to buy me a toy.
Charlie: I don't have to buy you shit!
Tommy: If you don't buy me anything, I'm gonna telly my mom you took me to a black people's hospital!

Dennis: Charlie, I got a question for you. Who's playing this Lead Boy?
Charlie: That's gonna be Mac.
Mac: What? Oh, yeah! Lead, of course.
Dennis: Who's playing the Dayman?
Charlie: Well, the Lead Boy becomes the Dayman when he defeats the Nightman, so it's also Mac.
Mac: Two parts? Oh, yeah!

Mac: [to Sweet Dee and Charlie] Are you two seeing this?
[all look over at Dennis]
Dennis: [gayly] ... boys are out tonight, huh?
Mac: This is unbelievable. What the hell is going on here? You got black women crawling all over you, and this Mary over here is the belle of the ball. Why do these people like you guys so much?
Charlie: Well dude, it's not that they like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? Uhh... because you're an asshole!

Jackie: What is it that you do again?
Charlie: I'm like a janitor at- um, I'm a... full-on rapist, you know? Uh, Africans, dyslexics, children, that sorta thing.

[after watching an old video of a young Mac and his parents stealing presents]
Charlie: Dude, what was that? What just happened? What was that right there? What was the family on the stairs? What was that?
Mac: That was probally the next family coming in to get their presents.
Charlie: What are you talking about? What was happening there?
Mac: That was the Christmas tradition my parents had. You go from house to house collecting your presents. And then when the next family would come, you would take your presents and run.
Charlie: I am not aware of that tradition, Mac. In fact, I think that you and your parents were just stealing from that home.
Mac: Oh no. I was taking their presents, but they were taking mine. Yeah, dude. That's why there were never any presents at my house on Christmas morning or when we got back. The neighbors took them. It's a South Philadelphia tradition, Charlie.
Charlie: No, that makes no sense. People don't do that, dude. That doesn't make any sense.
Mac: You're telling me that on Christmas morning, you and your mother would not go to your neighbor's house and take their presents?
Charlie: No! No one does that!
Mac: Well, my dad told me that was the tradition.
Charlie: Mac, your dad is a convicted thief and a murderer who eats people. So, he's not really trustworthy.
Mac: This is really dicking with my Christmas spirit.

Charlie: I am familiar with carpentry and I don't know who my father is. So, am I the messiah? I don't know, I could be, I'm not ruling it out.

Charlie: I'm gonna want the milk steak, boiled over hard, and a side of your finest jelly beans, raw.

Dee: [knocks on door] Charlie, open up. We got a dick hole in the bar and I need you to come fill it in.
Charlie: [sighs] Okay, I gotta go fill her dick hole, bro.

Dennis: Everyone gather 'round. I have an announcement to make.
Frank: Dennis has an announcement?
[to Mac]
Frank: Go, now's your chance. Rant and rave.
Mac: [shouting] Gather 'round, everybody! Gather 'round, please!
Dee: We're all standing here.
Frank: Is this everybody?
Mac: Is this everybody?
Dee: You know it's everybody. What are you doing?
Mac: Dennis has an announcement.
Dee: Yeah, I-I-I heard that. I'm wondering what it is.
Mac: It's an announcement!
Charlie: What's up, Dennis?
Dennis: I have an announcement.
Dee: OH, MY GOD! WHAT IS IT?

Dee: Hey, listen, uh, you've been really stressed, so I thought I would take you for a spa day, just you and me.
Charlie: A what day?
Dee: A spa day.
Charlie: What is this word "spa"? I feel like you're starting to say a word and you're not finishing it. Are you trying to say "spaghetti"? Are you taking me for a spaghetti day?

Mac: This time it'll be you and I that bang the strippers.
Charlie: Right. Why do you want to bang them, oh, because it's 2006 and you're still into women. Crazy
Mac: Huh?

The: This family behind me has 90 days to vacate. Until then, you can't touch them.
[Frank starts yelling]
Charlie: Let me handle this, Frank. It's not bullbird. He's making a few good points.
[turns to lawyer]
Charlie: Look, buddy. I know a lot about the law and various other lawyerings. I'm well educated. Well versed. I know that situations like this- real estate wise- they're very complex.
The: Actually, they're pretty simple. The forms are all standard boiler plate.
Charlie: Okay. Well, we're all hungry. We're gonna get to our hotplates soon enough, alright? Let's talk about the contract here.
The: I'm sorry, I forgot. Where did you go to law school again?
Charlie: I could ask you the very same question...
The: [interrupting] I went to Harvard.
Charlie: [incoherent mumbling]
The: What?
Charlie: I'm pleading the 5th, sir.
The: I wouldn't advise you do that.
Charlie: And I'll take that advise under cooperation, alright? Now, let's say you and I go toe-to-toe on bird law and see who comes out the victor?
The: You know, I don't think I'm going to do anything close to that and I can clearly see you know nothing about the law. Seems like you have a tenuous grasp on the English language in general.
Charlie: [more mumbling] ... Filibuster...
The: Do you know what that word means?
Charlie: [after a long, stammering pause, Charlie screams and crashes through what's left of the door]

Tommy: What is this place?
Charlie: Uh... this is a place where we're gonna see a special friend of mine.
Tommy: Why?
Charlie: Because he's going to help us figure something very important out. It's gonna be good to know.
Tommy: Why?
Charlie: Because I said so. No more questions, okay buddy?
Tommy: Why?
Charlie: Stop saying "why".
Tommy: Why?
Charlie: Stop it. I don't like this game.
Tommy: Why?
Charlie: Is this a game? Are you taunting me with a game?
Tommy: Why?

Charlie: [looking at attorney through binoculars] Oh shit, I see him. He's walking towards the car. He's walking towards the car!
Dee: Get down!
Charlie: Why's he coming towards us?
Dee: Get down and hold still!
Attorney: [gets in driver's seat of the car] Alright... So um, what are you people doing in my car now?

Charlie: [singing] Sharing, it's a rule now.
[fart noise]

Dennis: Oh, it's a new review by Korman!
Dee: [clears throat] "I woke up in my neighbor's bed with a head wound, yesterday's paper, and an empty bottle of sleeping pills and my nightmare in that putrid shithole of a bar Paddy's Pub finally, mercifully came to an end. The owners all deserve to rot in jail, though having to spend every day with each other in that vile establishment is a decidedly greater punishment. That is why I decided not to press charges, leaving them to live in the hell on earth they've created for themselves for the rest of their pathetic and miserable lives."
Mac: Ouch.
Dennis: Yeah, really raked us over the coals there, didn't he?
Mac: Not a good review.
Dennis: It's not a good review.
Charlie: He went right for the throat.
Dennis: He sure did. Hey listen, at least he didn't mention our names.
Mac: Yeah, and no pressing charges which is great.
Charlie: Yeah, right, no charges, no names.
Dennis: No charges, no names, that's good.
Dee: ...I don't know why but I'm a little irritated that he didn't mention my name. I work here!
Charlie: You feel like he would mention our name, right?
Dennis: I'm incredibly annoyed that he didn't mention my name.
Mac: I wish I could live with this but I can't...
Charlie: It's a story about us!
Mac: I feel like we gotta go talk to him again.

Charlie: You know what happened? I bet it flattened itself out, went right through a seam in your wall.
Dee: I don't think there's anything in the laws of nature to support that.
Charlie: Cats do not abide by the laws of nature.

Charlie: See the thing is if a wall of water comes through, it's actually pretty sweet to be naked 'cause then you can hold your clothes up, you know, and then that piss and shit just kinda flows over you. It's more refreshing than you think.

Charlie: Someone should've worn a shirt, right?
Mac: Probably the kid.

Dee: Dennis is gonna try and have you killed.
Charlie: I can't say that surprises me.
Dee: He's gonna sell us all down the river.
Charlie: Okay, should we kill him first?
Dee: Well, look, I don't want anybody to have to die, but if somebody does, there's no reason it shouldn't be Dennis.

Frank: Charlie, I need a woman. I need a woman to... to cook for me, and clean up after me, and somebody that will do everything I say.
Charlie: Well, that's just a maid. You want a maid?
Frank: Yeah, that's right, a maid. A maid I can bang.

Dennis: How much cheese have you eaten today?
Charlie: How much cheese is too much cheese?
Dennis: Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese!
Charlie: I had a lot of cheese, I had a block of cheese.
Mac: You had a block of cheese?
Charlie: I got really, really nervous I just started eating cheese.
Mac: [annoyed and confused] Does that calm you down?

Charlie: GOOD MORNING, JUAREZ FAMILY!

[last lines]
Charlie: Jimmy Doyle?
Jimmy: Yeah? Who are you?
Charlie: Charlie Kelly.
Jimmy: Yeah? Do I know you?
Charlie: From high school.
Jimmy: Oh, yeah. I didn't recognize you without all your acne.
Charlie: [chuckles] All right, I need to talk to you about your kid.
Jimmy: Why?
Charlie: Uh, let's see. Because your kid, Tommy, has serious emotional problems.
Jimmy: Why?
Charlie: Oh, I don't know. Maybe because you're not there for him as a father.
Jimmy: Why?
Charlie: [short pause; double take] Are you kidding me? Is this your little game? Like father, like son?
Jimmy: Why?
Charlie: Is this what you're doing? Is this what you're doing to me?
Jimmy: Why?

Waitress: I wrote down my phone number. Please. Please, Charlie. Please don't make me regret giving this to you.
Charlie: No, absolute... absolutely not. No, this will be a platonic sponsor-sponsoree kind of thing.
[waitress gives Charlie her phone number]
Charlie: [upon reading it, muttering to himself] Oh. No shit! I was so close.

Charlie: Ohhhh shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?

Principal: It's school policy that no one should paint their face, so that's the rule and that's the end of that.
Charlie: That's the rule.
Principal: Yeah.
Charlie: No wiggle room there?
Principal: No.
Charlie: Alright tell ya what, I'll take him down to the locker room, I'll lather him up real good, I'll strip all these silly ass clothes off him, I'm gonna clean him, sparkling clean brand new kid for ya.
Principal: No, no, please don't bathe the students.
Charlie: Heh, you're right. He's a big man, he can bathe himself, can't ya, Rich? Alright, he's bathing himself and I'm watching. Let's go, Richie.

Charlie: [about Mac's phallic clay design] Love?
Mac: Yeah because I was making Cupid's arrow, dude.
Charlie: Why does it have a big vein running through it?
Mac: Because that's the streak as it flies through the air.

Charlie: Absolutely, I hear you! We're saying we're gonna do the drugs and then we're gonna try and fix all the lights...
Dennis: That's asinine!

Dennis: Okay, listen. Here's the deal. Uh, I'm gonna bang her tonight, probably around 10:30 or so. Now, I really don't wanna do that. So all you have to do to stop me is call my cell phone, by 10:30, and say "Dennis, you don't have to do Charlie Work anymore".
Charlie: You're not gonna get away with this.
Dennis: Oh yeah, I will. I'll get away with it. 10:30, okay?
[Dennis opens door]
Dennis: [whispers] 10:30.
Charlie: [after Dennis leaves] Gonna blackmail me? You gonna blackmail me, Dennis Reynolds?
[Charlie angrily smashes his house of cards]

Charlie: Hooooly shit! Is that the ocean?
Dennis: Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean.
Charlie: What's on the other side of it there?
Frank: Europe.
Charlie: Now how long would it take...
Dennis: Do not try and swim to Europe.
Charlie: *Don't* swim to Europe...
Frank: Do not.

Charlie: Time to move to phase 2.
Dee: There is no phase 2. I'm not doing phase 2. I did everything you said and it's over.
Charlie: THIS ISN'T OVER UNTIL I SAY IT'S OVER!

Charlie: You see, I just realized that I have two ears, so it's a waste to only listen to one thing.
Dennis: Let me get this straight. You just realized that you have two ears?

Charlie: Uh, later dudes. S you in your As. Don't wear a C and J all over your Bs.

Charlie: I'll totally pull a Good Will Hunting on those kids and that'll put 'em in their place.
Mac: How are you gonna do that?
Charlie: Well, you've seen the movie, right?
Mac: Yeah.
Charlie: So all I gotta do is I'll ask them some like big shot, like, math or science, history-type college question and then I'll totally stump them by knowing a lot more about the answer than they do.
Mac: Yeah, in that movie, Matt Damon played a genius janitor. You're just a janitor.
Charlie: ...Right.
[chuckles]
Charlie: ... Ah, you stumped me with that one.

Charlie: Let's flip a coin, the loser leaves.
Mac: Okay.
Charlie: Get a coin.
Mac: I don't have a coin! Gimme a coin. You have a coin?
Charlie: Of course I don't have a coin.
Mac: Alright, let's flip something else.
Charlie: Alright, uh...
Mac: Something in the hallway... a feather?
Charlie: Look, that piece of wood.
Mac: That's not gonna work.
Charlie: What about something off the chair?
Mac: Yeah, maybe we'll just break something off this chair.
[Mac starts kicking the wheel off Charlie's wheelchair]
Charlie: Don't break it too much. It's a rental, dude.

Charlie: Zombies... I've seen it once before in a rat, and I see it now in men. Once one gets a taste for its own kind, it can spread through the pack like a wildfire. Mindlessly chomping and biting at their own hinds. Nothing but the taste of flesh on their minds. You know the thing about a rat? It's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes like a doll's eyes. Don't seem to be living at all when it come at ya. Till it bites ya. And then the eyes roll over white. You don't hear nothing but the screaming and the hollering...

Charlie: Oh, you know, I told you. I asked for more money.
Dee: What?
Charlie: Yes, I did!
Dee: No, you didn't!
Charlie: I was using dead presidents as a cover. You didn't get that?
Dee: He said to the man, he wanted many, many thousands of green people from history times.

Charlie: Mac, can an asshole rip in half?
Mac: Like tissue paper.

Mac: Jesus Christ, Frank. Are you cutting your toenails with a steak knife?
Charlie: I suppose you have a problem with that, too?
Frank: Ah! Oh! Oh! Botched toe! I botched that one. Oh, that's a botch job. That's bleeding. I need some trash to plug up the cut.

Mac: You want me to cross the stage?
Charlie: Yes.
Mac: [starts doing karate] All right. This is a great opportunity to showcase some skills and, like, just put on a clinic.
Charlie: I would rather you didn't.

Charlie: Why is the witch-slave shooting at you anyways?
Frank: Maybe she used her sorcery.
Dee: Sorcery? Your dumb-dick partner walked into the bar and said he'd stolen a bunch of guns and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head. And of course I did, so here we are.
Frank: Damn your necromancy, woman!

Dennis: Whoa, what's with the spray paint, man?
Charlie: Uhh, what's with your outfit, man?

Charlie: Hey Frank, what guy hasn't done some extensive research on his own genitalia? Don't say you, buddy, 'cause I woke up to you doing some pretty frantic research last night, pal!
Frank: We can go tit for tat on that one, so you better drop that subject!

Charlie: You did your best, no hard feelings! I'm going to grab some of this literature on my way out too.
Dennis: She didn't do that great of a job.
Charlie: I mean, don't beat her while she's down, man.

Frank: I know you're not as dumb as you seem.
Charlie: Well, let's just say that I am.

Waitress: No, I'm not going to ask you inside, Dennis.
Dennis: Why not?
Waitress: Because... I really... like you.
Dennis: Well, yeah, I mean... I really like you, too...
Waitress: Then let's just take it slow, okay?
Dennis: Wait, wait... Uh... I... love... you...
Waitress: ...Ha! I... I kinda don't know what to say!
Dennis: I kinda don't want you to say anything.
[the Waitress leans in for a kiss. Dennis' phone rings]
Dennis: Hold that thought.
[turns away, takes call]
Dennis: Yo.
Charlie: I'm ready to talk.
Dennis: Cuttin' it pretty close there, pal. I almost sealed the deal.
Charlie: Just meet me at Paddy's and we'll work it all out.
[hangs up, Dennis turns back to the Waitress]
Waitress: Heh, sorry about that. I feel like maybe I was being a little judgmental.
Dennis: You're good! Haha.
Waitress: Haha, okay. Well let's go.
Dennis: No. Uh, you were right, I sh... I'm gonna go. Yeah. I'm gonna go now, we should take it slow - you were right.
Waitress: Really? Because I... don't... need to now...
Dennis: [starts walking away] I think it's good, I think it's real good.
Waitress: Call me!
Dennis: Ahahahaha!

Sal: Explain to me why my wife is calling me telling me that one of Pussy Hands' friends tried to force himself on her.
Mac,7309: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Anthony: This guy?
Mac: Oh! Oh! That's crazy!
Anthony: Enough with the "oh"s!

Charlie: Ok, I'll tell you what. Let's throw a flaming bag of poop through their window.
Mac: What? Why?
Charlie: They stamp it out, get poop all over their shoes.
Mac: What in the hell is that going to accomplish?
Charlie: Poop on their shoes. Their shoes, dude.
Mac: Are you retarded? Are you a retarded person?
Charlie: Poop on the shoes, man!

Charlie: I just want to get black out drunk and relax.

Charlie: [looking at calculator] What... are... you?

Dee: See this is the part where I would volunteer to be the girl on the billboard and you guys would find some reason not to and compare me to some sort of animal like a giant bird.
Dennis: [agreeing] Oh she looks so much like a bird doesn't she?
Charlie: See I was thinking fish because of how far apart her eyes are.

Charlie: [refering to a George Washington painting] Now why would you hang a painting like this on your wall?
Mac: Well, it's the Historical Society bro, they have to hang it up.
Charlie: What, we gotta suffer just 'cause some old dude who looks like Meryl Streep chopped down a cherry tree like ten million years ago? It's just, he looks terrible!
Mac: You know what? Let's take it down. It's just gonna distract us through the meeting.
Charlie: Yeah, let's get it down man. It's not gonna, it's not gonna work.
Dennis: Let's take it down. I'm gonna tear it down.
[pulls painting]
Dennis: Unbelievable. It's bolted to the wall.
Charlie: Well that proves our point man, we're not the first people to try to take that thing down.
Dennis: Yeah, well we're gonna be the first ones to actually succeed. Come on, let's tear it down, Charlie.
Charlie: Let's just rip it off the wall.
Dennis: Rip it right off the wall...
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, guys, guys. I got a pocket knife. Just cut it out of the frame.

Frank: What's the situation?
Charlie: I got two cats stuck inside this wall, can't get 'em out.
Frank: Wanna bring in a third?
Charlie: I'm thinkin' maybe four.

Dennis: You know what? Just... Get me the flamethrower. I'm so sick of this wall. I want to burn it up now!
Charlie: Okay, it's time. Okay, there's also a fire extinguisher too.
Dennis: Great.
Charlie: I think we should use this, man.
Dennis: I think we should too. So here's how this is gonna go down: I will light a fire on the wall. Charlie, have that extinguisher ready 'cause I don't want the fire to spread past the parameters of this wall.
Charlie: I will create a parameter with the fire extinguisher.
Dennis: The only safe way to do this, okay?
Charlie: It'll be perfectly safe.
Dennis: Then once the wall's all weakened from the burned-up fires, then we're gonna kick it to pieces, smash it to bits, and take the rubble outside and burn that too.
Charlie: Burn that too, and then I'll put it out with this. All right, perfect. And then I'll get started on my taco bed.

Waitress: Wow, why are you so sweaty?
Charlie: It's really hot in here.
Waitress: It's not hot, it's freezing.
Charlie: It's freezing, isn't it? They are blazing that AC.

Dennis: Oh, you better have a good reason for getting us outta bed this early, jerk.
Frank: I got a goddamn great reason for gettin' you out of bed. This bar is hemorrhaging money!
Charlie: You gotta spend money to make money. Economics 101, dude.
Frank: You're bleeding us to death! Especially with that company credit card you got.
Mac: Uh, that is for business expenses, Frank. Everything on there is a business expense.
Frank: Who spent $500 for laser hair removal?
Dennis: Right over here, Slick. Don't wanna have hair down there, know what I'm sayin'?
Frank: Who spent $5,000 for a samurai sword?
Mac: [raises hand] Your head of security.
Charlie: Yeah, just wait till he saves your life one day with it.
Frank: $6,000 on a camcorder!
Dee: Well, I've decided what I'm gonna do is I'm going to take all those hilarious characters that I've been creating over the past several years. I'm gonna put 'em on tape, I'm gonna put 'em on YouTube. That way I can get discovered by like a casting director or a producer. I get some kind of a TV development deal.
Dennis: Yeah, right, so the point is, Frank, is that these are all business expenses. I mean, some are definitely more realistic than others...
Charlie: [points to Dee] Yeah, not that one.
Dennis: No, not at all, but nonetheless I believe bought as a business expense.
Frank: They're not business expenses! What *I* bought is a business expense. What I bought is somethin' that's gonna save our asses!
Dennis: [mockingly] Okay. Yeah, all right.
Charlie: All right, what d'ya get?
Frank: I bought a billboard!
[cue: "America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest"]

Mac: [about M. Night Shyamalan] He always puts some like awesome twist at the end of his movies to trick the audience.
Charlie: Aw yeah, yeah, like in The Sixth Sense you find out that the dude in that hair piece the whole time, that's Bruce Willis the whole movie.

Dennis: [Frank is hanging by a noose] Whoa. What the hell's going on over here?
Dee: Oh, Frank's trying to kill himself.
Charlie: Oh, my God. Is he all right? Frank, are you all right?
Frank: Don't try to stop me.
Dennis: Oh, my God.
Charlie: Oh, so he's alive.
Frank: I lost all my money in a Ponzi scheme, Charlie. I'm broke!
Dee: His neck is so thick, I feel like he's just gonna swing and dangle around for a really long time.

Dee: What the shit is this?
Charlie: Uh, Cheech over here bought himself a bong.
Frank: [taking a massive bong rip] Holy shit Deandra, this is wacky. I want you to go download me a hoagie off the internet.
Dee: I'm sorry? Those words don't make any s- sense... Oh God, you guys... Oh, weird, I feel weird.
Mac: Rip another one, bro.
Charlie: Yeah, say something else stupid too.
Dee: My arm's kinda numb. Dennis, can you feel my head? Is it hot, am I hot?
Dennis: I'm not touching you.
Dee: I'm serious you guys, something's not right. I...
Frank: You think there's bitches in the bar?
Mac: What?
Frank: Bitches in the bar.
Dee: I feel like... I'm being really serious you guys, I need some help...
[faints]
Dennis: Uh God, what is her problem?
Charlie: I don't know.
[cue title "Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack"]

Charlie: You got that script I wrote? Grab that script.
Dennis: I've been meaning to speak to you about this. I can't read these words. They're not in the right order.
Charlie: It's good.
Dennis: I think you might be dyslexic bro. I'm not reading this.
Charlie: No, no, no, no!
Dennis: I think you might be dyslexic.
Charlie: Just read it once!
Dennis: Ok... you want me to read the script?
Charlie: Yes... and action!
Dennis: I'll read the words you wrote. "Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you, thank you. If you vote me, I'm hot. What? Taxes, they'll be lower... son. The Democratic vote for me is right thing to do Philadelphia, so do." This doesn't make any sense!
Charlie: Alright... then just say whatever you want.

Bonnie: I had an abortion. It just didn't take.
Charlie: What does that mean?
Bonnie: You survived it. You survived the abortion!

[eating chips while stoned]
Dennis: Carbs-wise, this is gonna set me back, but I don't even give a shit.
Frank: Yes.
Dennis: Country Mac's awesome.
Frank: Yes.
Dennis: You know?
Dee: This weed that he gave us is awesome.
Frank: Yes.
Dennis: Yeah.
Charlie: Yeah.
Dennis: All these years, I've been feelin' like I hate karate... and, like, I hate Project Badass, and, like... I hate God...
Frank: Yes.
Dennis: But, like... I realized... you know what I really hate... is Mac.
Frank: Yes.
Dennis: Like, he's made all those cool things suck. Not only is he, like, ruining my life... but with all this God shit that he's into... he could be ruining my afterlife.
Frank: Yes.

[after their "Birds of War" performance]
Dennis: They are not responding to the pageantry at all.
Mac: The second verse is completely ridiculous.
Dennis: The second verse is necessary to clarify what we are!
Charlie: We're mic'd. We're mic'd, our microphones are on.

Charlie: But I am who I am.
Mac: Yeah, but let's pretend you're not like who you are and just try to attract a woman.

Charlie: So what, you want a maid?
Frank: That's right, a maid. A maid I can bang.

[Charlie and Frank are looking at Garbage Pail Kids cards]
Sweet: Are those the stupid cards where babies are doing disgusting things?
Charlie: No, Dee. These are those amazing cards where babies are doing hysterical things.

Dee: Don't eat trash, Charlie.
Charlie: I'll eat what I wanna eat, okay?

Charlie: Is it loaded?
Dennis: It can be.

Jackie: What is it that you do again?
Charlie: I'm like a janitor at- um, I'm a... full-on rapist, you know? Uh, Africans, dyslexics, children, that sorta thing.

Dee: Did you have sex with her?
Charlie: Yeah.
Dee: Well, did you use birth control?
Dennis: Whoa, Dee, we're from a Catholic school.
Dee: So, premarital sex is all right, but you're not allowed to use birth control?
Charlie: Okay, now you're just twisting words around and getting cute.

Charlie: Mac, can an asshole rip in half?
Mac: Like tissue paper.

Tabitha: You know, I do offer group therapy.
Charlie: Yeah...
Dennis: What are you doing?
Dee: What is this you're doing?
Dennis: What is that? What is that?
Tabitha: With all due respect, you're talking about bringing guns to an intervention, and you're drinking wine out of a soda can.
Dee: [smiling] Yeah.
Dennis: Oh, you put wine in the soda can? That's good.
Dee: You didn't know, did you? Soda.
Charlie: You stole Frank's idea.
Dee: Yeah, yeah, actually it's a pretty good one.
Charlie: It's a good idea. I mean, the guy's got great ideas.
Dee: He's a smart man. That's not what we're here about.
Charlie: But I do feel like she just tried an intervention on us.
Dennis: Did you intervene on us? Is that what that was? You know what I'm feeling? I'm feeling like you've lost control of the room here and, really, we're the ones that are running things now.
Dee: I've lost my trust in you. I feel like we can do this on our own.
Dennis: I think we can do the intervention on our own without her.
Charlie: You guys think?
Dee: Why not?
Charlie: All right, might as well give it a shot.
Dennis: Let's just do that.
Dee: Thank you.
Charlie: Thanks for your help. You did your best. Uh, no hard feelings. I'm gonna grab some of this literature too.
Dennis: She didn't do that great of a job.
Charlie: No, I mean, don't beat her while she's down, man.

Dennis: You are dressed like the Phantom of the Opera. He's not a vampire.
Charlie: He eats theater people.
Dennis: No, he doesn't.
Mac: I think he might.
Frank: He does.
Dennis: And I'm surprised you even know who the Phantom of the Opera is.
Mac: He might not.
Frank: He doesn't.
Charlie: No, I don't. I don't.

Charlie: Hey wait, are you planning to douse my fiancée with water, exposing her breasts for everyone to see?
Dennis: Yeah man, is that cool?
Charlie: That's VERY cool.

Charlie: When was the last time we played Night Crawlers together, Frank?
Dennis: Uhh. What's-what's that?
Charlie: Well, it's... not about you. Why don't you just write it down?

Charlie: You know what? Let me kick down a little thing to you that our Founding Fathers kicked down to me. It goes, "Don't. Tread. On me," and right now, you guys are TREADING ALL OVER ME.

Dennis: We're caring people. That's our nature.
Tabitha: Um, what's Frank struggling with the most right now?
Dee: Ooh, he is trying to bang our aunt.
Dennis: That's the big one.
Tabitha: These things deal more with drug and alchohol abuse.
Dennis: Drugs and alcohol are rolled into what we're talking about here.
Tabitha: So he does have a drinking problem.
Charlie: Oh, big time!
Dee: Oh, lady.

Charlie: Attica!

Dennis: Tell you what, man. I'm happy for him, but I do still hate him!
Charlie: Oh yeah! It's not a gay or straight thing is it?
Dee: No, it's a Mac thing!
Dennis: No no no no no!
Charlie: Yeah, it's a Mac thing!
Dennis: It's a Mac thing!

Charlie: That's politics, bitch!

Dennis: And by the way, the tattoo, the -- can we talk about that? The shamrock tattoo?
Mac: You wanna see it?
[he unzips his pants]
Dennis: No, I don't wanna see it, goddamn it!
Charlie: NO!
Dennis: You're getting rid of all the other tattoos, and not the worst tattoo?
Charlie: You're keeping the shamrock?
Dennis: I want it gone. We want it gone!
Charlie: It's bad tattoo, Mac.
Mac: [angry] So you thought you'd just unravel my entire identity?
Dennis: We didn't unravel anything!
Charlie: Nothing's unraveled! You're still you! You've always been you!
Mac: Fine, you know what? You take that liquid meat bodybag and you get it up the goddamn hill by yourself, 'cause I'm out!
[he stomps away down the hill]
Dennis: Is he gonna get rid of the tattoo?
Charlie: He's not gonna get rid of it.
[yells after Mac]
Charlie: Are you getting rid of the tattoo?
Dennis: Are you gonna get rid of the tattoo?
Mac: I'm gonna get another shamrock tattoo on the other leg!
Dennis: Don't you dare!
Mac: Oh, I'm gonna do it!
Dennis: Don't you dare get another shamrock tattoo, you son of a bitch!

Charlie: Dude, you could totally chop a camel in its hump and drink all its milk off the... off the tip of this thing, man!

Dee: Charlie, don't screw me like this. Come on.
Charlie: Don't screw you? Oh, I'm sorry, Dee, let me try and remember something. Let's see, was it, did Dee write a musical and come to Charlie with it? No! Charlie wrote a musical and came to Dee with it, and the gang. And the gang likes to screw it up and make it about themselves, and take it away from Charlie, and ruin his hopes and dreams. So let me tell you something, Dee, let me break down a scenario for you. I could cut the song, okay, because I wrote it. I could have Artemis do the song, okay, because you did not write it. Or I could strap on a wig and I could do the song myself. So you tell me, Little Miss All That, what do you want to do? Song or no song?

[Charlie walks up to a shopping mall Santa Claus as Mac watches, after learning that his mother was a prostitute who had her clients dress up as Santa on Christmas to avoid upsetting Charlie]
Santa: Ho ho ho ho. Well, hello! Merry Christmas! So, where's your little one?
[Charlie sits on Santa's lap]
Santa: Oh! Ho ho ho ho, you're a big boy, aren't ya? Ha ha! Uh...
[to Mac]
Santa: Is he retarded? Ah, I got this one.
[to Charlie]
Santa: So, son, what would you like for Christmas, huh?
Charlie: Did you fuck my mom?
Santa: ...What?
Charlie: Did you FUCK... my MOM?
Santa: What d'ya mean? I, uh...
Charlie: Did you fuck my mom, Santa Claus? Did you fuck my mom? Did you fuck her? DID YOU FUCK MY FUCKING MOM? DID YOU FUCK MY MOM, SANTA? AAAAH!
[Charlie bites Santa's neck, causing blood to spray everywhere, then drags him to the ground and mercilessly beats him in front of hundreds of crying children before Mac finally drags him away]

Dennis: As I tried to explain before, you cannot get honey from a hornet's nest.
Charlie: I just don't think there's any science to support that, buddy.
Dennis: There's some very basic science out there supporting that.

Charlie: I knew that guy was full of shit! I knew it!
Dennis: What guy?
Charlie: That lawyer guy, okay? He totally besmirched me today, and I demand satisfaction from him.
Mac: You want him to bang you?
Charlie: Uh. No, Mac. Be serious, okay? He slandered me in front of a jury of my own peers, all right? Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened.
[shows the gang a history book]
Charlie: Take a look at this picture. What do you see?
Mac: I see two trannies shooting at each other.
Charlie: No, dude. They're dueling, okay? These are lawyers settling an argument by dueling it out.
Dennis: Now, how do you know that the two trannies are lawyers?
Charlie: [slams book] 'Cause it's an old book, okay? I don't have to explain everything to you about what I know! I'm trying to... get satisfied... from this dude... and you're trying to... I'm getting satisfied. I don't care.

Charlie: So, we got ourselves a little Mexican girl here and I'm thinking, well, what does a little Mexican girl love more than anything else in the world?
Dennis: Mmm, tacos.
Charlie: Tacos, buddy! So, why not make for her a taco bed? You know what I mean?
Dennis: Okay!
Charlie: She gets to, like, be in a taco every day. So, okay, I got yellow sheets. That's cheese. Green, guacamole. A red little pillow for salsa. And I got these cute little brown pjs so that she gets to feel like ground meat while she's sleeping.
Dennis: Ah, she's the ground meat in the middle.
Charlie: She's the ground meat in the middle!

Charlie: Why don't I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fire off into Jobland where jobs grow on jobbies.

Charlie: I'm in love with a man... a man called God.

Charlie: You're telling me that you believe that Christ comes back to life every Sunday in the form of a bowl of crackers and you proceed to just eat the man?

Charlie: I have 248 hours of, uh...
Mac: [helping Charlie read] Interstate.
Charlie: Inter... Interstate...
Mac: Sanitation. Jesus Christ.
Charlie: Interstate sanitation. What is that?
Dennis: The guys in the orange vests who pick up trash.
Charlie: Oh, my God. And what is this about the AA?
Mac: Alcoholics Anonymous.
Charlie: For...
Mac: Six!
Dee: Oh, my God.
Mac: Months!

Mac: [holding a hockey stick] All of my instincts and my training tell me to use this as a weapon.
Charlie: All of your instincts and your training are wrong.

Dennis: If Charlie took any time to study in school, he would recognize that the Constitution protects my freedom to blow smoke all over his face.
Charlie: You gotta be... you don't know shit about the Constitution, man.
Mac: Uh, he knows more than you two un-American freedom haters.
Dennis: Thank you.
Dee: Oh, Charlie, we hate freedom. Eww, we hate it.
Dennis: You hate it.
Charlie: Oh, *I'm* un-American?
Frank: You're practically a Viet Cong.

Charlie: Ohhhhhhhh shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?
Dennis: I see a door marked "Private". Is that the door you're talking about?
Charlie: Nah, I was talking abou... I didn't say... did you... what did you hear?
Dennis: I heard you say there was a door marked "Pirate".
Charlie: Well, are we gonna talk about pirates all day or are we gonna see what's living in there?
Dennis: You're the one that... Jesus Christ, man. Shit.

Charlie: [singing with his band] Night Man, sneaky and mean / Spider inside my dreams / I think I love you / You make me want to cry / You make me want to die / I love you / I love you / I love you / I love you / I love you Night Man / Every night you come into my room and pin me down / With your strong arms you pin me down / And I try to fight you / You come inside me / And fill me up and I become the...
Mac: [cuts him off] Whoa whoa, Charlie. Okay the first part of that song was kinda cool but what's up with the second part?
Charlie: Well it's about the Night Man and how he comes inside me and I like become him, you know I become the spirit of the Night Man
Mac: Yeah? Cause it sounds like a song where a guy breaks into your house and rapes you!
Charlie: What? No. Where are you getting that from? Here' let me play the rest
[starts singing again]
Charlie: It's just two men sharing the night/ It might seem wrong but it's just right/ It's just two men sharing each other/ It's just two men like loving brothers/ One on top and one on bottom/ One is inside and one is out/ One is screaming he's so happy/ The other's screaming a passionate shout/ It's the Night Man/ The feeling so wrong and right man/ The feeling so wrong and... / I can't fight you Night Man when you come inside me and pin me down with your strong hands and I become the niiiiiiight/ The passionate, passionate Night Man!

Mac: [looking over prospective employees at the welfare office] What about that one? He seems strong. Look at those massive thighs.
Charlie: Yeah those are good thighs, but you're gonna have a problem with work ethic.
Mac: That's what I'm talking about dude, you can't be saying things like that.
Charlie: No dude, I'm not saying that 'cause he's black, I'm saying 'cause he's asleep in his chair.

Frank: Ah I see you two are enjoying my meat. I was just buying some wine. A nice port to compliment what you two have just eaten. By the way, you know what you've just eaten right?
Dee: Was it venison?
Frank: You WISH it was venison!
Charlie: What is it then?
Frank: THAT which you have just eaten, which your taste buds have savored, which your teeth have just torn apart, THAT is human meat.

Dennis: Oh my God, we are so screwed. How are we going to get $25,000 by Friday?
Frank: Don't look at me. You made this bed; you're sleeping in it. This is a life lesson for you.
Dennis: Frank, this is not the time to be throwing down life lessons, alright? We are going to get whacked off by a bunch of scary Italian guys.
Charlie: Did they say they were going to whack us off?
Dennis: They implied they wanted to whack us all off!
Dee: Nobody's gonna get whacked off today, okay? Listen: we're gonna take the money, we'll go get our drugs back from Bingo, we'll give it to the mob, and we'll pretend none of this ever happened.

Charlie: Perhaps we can get Mrs. Mac some perfume?
Dennis: That's not a bad idea. Mrs. Mac, what d'ya say? What better way to kick off this new relationship than with a new fragrance!
Mac's: Stop talkin' to me like I'm an asshole!

Mac: Are there any questions?
Cool: Yo, can I get some beer?
Mac: No beer.
Charlie: No... We said it, like, a million times.
Mac: Guys, how many times do we have to be through this? No beer, okay?
Charlie: All right, you know, you can't drink beer and be effective.
Cool: But you guys had, like, five.
Mac: Don't count beers, Carlos. Not cool.
Charlie: Yeah. And by the way, Carlos, I've had six.
Mac: And I've had seven.
Charlie: So don't be a rat, okay? And if you are gonna be a rat, get it right.
Mac: No more questions. In fact, no more questions.
Cool: You guys are the ones that asked for the questions.
Mac: Shut up, Carlos!
Charlie: Carlos, shut up!