150 Best Frank Reynolds Quotes

Bobby: Hey, now we're talking here. She's a killer!
Dee: You're goddamn right I'm a killer.
Brianna: You look like a holocaust victim in pageant makeup.
Dee: I will eat your babies, bitch!
Brianna: Bring it!
Frank: Nobody's eating anybody's babies.
Bobby: Hey, you looking to spur, little girl?
Frank: No, no. No fight. She's not ready.
Dee: Oh, I'm ready.
Frank: No, no, you're not ready.
Dee: I'm ready! Let me eat her babies!

Frank: You don't look like a gay guy.
Dennis: That's because he's a bear.
Mac: What?
Dennis: He's a bear. You see, some gay guys are twinks and other are bears. This gay guy's a bear. By the way, we are totally cool with that. To each his own.
Frank: Wait, I'm a little confused here. What's a twink?
Dennis: A twink is small and slender, like Mac.
Mac: Oh, no, I'm too muscular. I would be a bear.
Dennis: Uh, don't think so, bro. Not hairy enough.
Frank: Smooth. Now, I would be a bear.
Dennis: No, no. See, I don't think you'd be a bear either. As a matter of fact, I don't know what you'd be. You're definitely not a twink.
Frank: I'd be a top, that's for sure.
Mac: Can a twink be a top or is that reserved for bears?
Dennis: I'm sure there's a great deal of switching back and forth but I think more often then not bears are tops, unless they happen to be power bottoms.
Frank: What's a power bottom?
Mac: A power bottom is a bottom that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power.
Dennis: Actually Mac, you've got it backwards. You see, the power bottom is actually generating the power by doing most of the work.
Frank: Does power have to do with size or strength of the bottom?
Mac: Now Dennis, I heard speed has something to do with it.
Dennis: Speed has *everything* to do with it. You see, the speed of the bottom informs the top how much pressure he's supposed to apply. Speed's the name of the game.

Dennis: [Frank is hanging by a noose] Whoa. What the hell's going on over here?
Dee: Oh, Frank's trying to kill himself.
Charlie: Oh, my God. Is he all right? Frank, are you all right?
Frank: Don't try to stop me.
Dennis: Oh, my God.
Charlie: Oh, so he's alive.
Frank: I lost all my money in a Ponzi scheme, Charlie. I'm broke!
Dee: His neck is so thick, I feel like he's just gonna swing and dangle around for a really long time.

Frank: Charlie, you've got a lot of balls stealing my money. This shows leadership. I am promoting you to management.
Charlie: That's why I did it. That is why I did it.
Mac: That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?
Frank: You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.
Dee: How come Charlie...? Not fair... How come Charlie...?
Dennis: Why would you do this to us, Dad?
Frank: Because you are crackheads, children.

Mac: Okay, Dee, this is truly pathetic, and you are really bringing us down, so we're gonna help you out.
Frank: We realize we may be in some ways responsible for the state you're in.
Mac: Mm, let's not...

Frank: [Charlie and Dee are discussing where to get some human meat from Frank] That wasn't human meat! It was raccoon meat. You probably got a tapeworm, that stuff is loaded with parasites!
Charlie: [Charlie starts laughing hysterically] Raccoon meat! BULLSHIT!
Dee: Oh yes Frank, we're gonna go get some of that human meat of yours!
Charlie: [brandishing a butcher knife] I'M GONNA CHOP A PIECE OF THAT FAT LITTLE CALF MUSCLE OF YOURS AND I'M GONNA EAT IT! GET HIM!
[Charlie and Dee chase after Frank]
Mac: And the hunt is on once again.
Dennis: Oh those two are gonna have so much fun.
[Dennis goes and locks the door]
Mac: Yes indeed. But the question still remains with what to do with Mr. Cricket.
Dennis: Yup Mac, it's just us now. Just you and me, and a couple of pairs of sour, sweaty balls.

Frank: Asians love gambling.

Frank: Dennis, if I was looking for safe, I wouldn't be sticking my dick through a wall!

Frank: What the hell is that?
Dennis: You know what it is, bitch.

Frank: You're very lucky that you're with somebody as resilient as Frank Reynolds.
Dee: You've tried to off yourself two times in the last 24 hours, Frank!

Mac: Jesus Christ, Frank. Are you cutting your toenails with a steak knife?
Charlie: I suppose you have a problem with that, too?
Frank: Ah! Oh! Oh! Botched toe! I botched that one. Oh, that's a botch job. That's bleeding. I need some trash to plug up the cut.

Frank: With a plastic bag for a helmet!

Dennis: You are dressed like the Phantom of the Opera. He's not a vampire.
Charlie: He eats theater people.
Dennis: No, he doesn't.
Mac: I think he might.
Frank: He does.
Dennis: And I'm surprised you even know who the Phantom of the Opera is.
Mac: He might not.
Frank: He doesn't.
Charlie: No, I don't. I don't.

Frank: I'm the Trash Man! I come out, I throw trash all over the- all over the ring! And then I start eatin' garbage! And then I pick up the trash can, and I bash the guy on the head.

Frank: [singing] You got to pay the troll toll if you want to get into this boy's hole!

Mac: Well, then, what would you say?
Dennis: She's a quitter.
Dee: You know what, I don't even care! I don't care.
Dennis: And that proves my point. Because you don't care, you never succeed.
Mac: Right. Failed.
Dennis: Failure implies that she actually *tried* to be an actor.
Dee: Okay, I did try, it just didn't happen to work out.
Frank: It's not your fault, sweetie. You're just not pretty enough.
Dee: Wow, thank you! That's my dad, everybody.

Dennis: Hey, Frank, why do you have a truck full of water filters? All right, you know what, I don't give a shit. Let's get down to that rally, man.
Frank: Rally?
Dennis: Yeah.
Dee: Yes, the freedom rally, the one you organized.
Frank: Ooh, shit, I'm not gonna go down there. There's gonna be a buncha nuts with guns. Too dangerous.
Charlie: Wait, hold on a second, what's goin' on? I thought you were into guns, you know? Why have you been on TV talkin' about all that shit?
Frank: I bought a stake in Gunther's Guns. I got everybody angry and scared, they bought the guns, I made a fortune.
[he shrugs]
Dennis: Oh, my God, this is crazy. So you don't give a shit about the gun issue at all?
Frank: Ehhhh...
Dennis: I mean, what the hell? You're like the NRA.
Frank: Yeah, little bit like the NRA, little tiny bit. But I-I think of myself more like Al Gore, you know? He got everybody all worked up over global warming, then he made millions.
Mac: Huh?
Frank: Yeah, everybody does it. Liberals, conservatives, doesn't matter. This is America. You're either a duper, or a dupee. I'm a duper. You guys are the dupees.
[he smiles]

Dee: [about Barbara's will] Does it say anything about jewelry?
The: It does say something about the jewelry in here in that, um, she wants to be buried in it.
Dee: Goddammit! Oh, goddammit!
Frank: Ohhh! She's taking it into the grave!
Dee: I'll tell you what, you son of a bitch. I am very disappointed in you today, *very* upset with you! You tell her from me that I will be in touch with her somehow!
Frank: Yeah, tell her she's a bitch!

Frank: Take that for yourself.
[rubs a $10 bill on her chest]
Hostess: Uh... oh, okay... You can just hand that to me.
Frank: I was trying to feel your breast.
Hostess: I got that.

Frank: Dennis, listen, we should hang out more together!
Dennis: Yeah, stop trying to bond with me.

Frank: Paddy's Pub Stress Ball! You give this to people, they put it on their desk, and during they day, you squeeze it when you have any tension!
Dennis: Right.
[he squeezes it and it breaks]
Dennis: Oh goddammit, Frank! That's just an egg!
Frank: It's a jumping off point.

Frank: Merry Christmas, bitches!

Frank: You got to get a ferret down in the basement, because Charlie says ferrets scare the shit out of rats.
Jason: What are you talking about? What is... what is... who... who is Charlie?
Frank: You're Charlie. No, you're too tall. By any chance, do you have homosexual tendencies?
[to Kelly]
Frank: You... you could be Dee, but you're smaller. You got a better body, I think.
[to David]
Frank: You, I don't know... I don't know who the hell you are, 'cause we didn't have a black.

Mac: Jesus Christ, Frank. Are you cutting your toenails with a steak knife?
Charlie: I suppose you have a problem with that, too?
Frank: Ah! Oh! Oh! Botched toe! I botched that one. Oh, that's a botch job. That's bleeding. I need some trash to plug up the cut.

Frank: Well, if we're gonna do something like this, we gotta make sure we don't abuse anybody.
Charlie: No, I mean I know what it's like to grow up poor. You know, we gotta treat people with respect.
Mac: Respect is the name of the game. Respect is number one!
Charlie: It's the name of almost every game.
Mac: Absolutely because we understand the plight of the worker.
Charlie: Plight...
Mac: Respect.
Charlie: Respect the plight. What d'ya think, Frank?
Frank: I'm good, go get us some slaves.

Dee: What is "Night Crawlers"?
Dennis: It's a game where they crawl around in the night like worms.
Charlie: I never said that.
Frank: Yeah, well that's what it is.

Mac: Frank, you are gonna get us into that country club you used to belong to and we're gonna sell the pills there.
Dennis: That'd be a good place to sell those pills.
Mac: Yes, thank you very much.
Frank: You can't make no $25,000 from that amount of pills. How long you got?
Mac: 'til Friday.
Frank: Mm-mmm. You're gonna have to turn a trick or two; go into prostitution.
Dee: You are disgusting! How could you suggest - I am absolutely not doing that!
Frank: I wasn't talking about you. Guys at those country clubs get hotter broads than you.
Dennis: I would think, yeah.
Mac: Yeah.
Frank: I was saying the male escort is really hard to come by.
Charlie: I'm picking up what you're putting down. I'll do it.
Frank: Eh, Charlie, you're not quite cut from the right cloth.
Mac: Okay. Make it me.
Frank: Mac, you're too low class. All those women are gonna thing they're gonna catch somethin' from you.
Mac: They are.
Dennis: They will.
Frank: I was thinking about Dennis.
Dennis: Right. Now, Frank, will any of these women be attractive in any way?
Frank: Probably not.

Mac: Frank, he cannot bang this woman. It's the mob boss's wife.
Frank: Oh, what do you think she's gonna do, call her husband and say she's bangin' a whore? Dennis, up those stairs!

['70s music ringtone plays]
Frank: Hello?
Dennis: Frank, you gotta get me outta here, man!
Frank: Where are you?
Dennis: I'm in rehab, goddammit!
Frank: Well, I'm in a movie and this broad is about to get naked, so I gotta go.

Frank: It's just maybe - I think you're too old for me.
Angie: Frank, I'm two years younger than you.
Frank: That's what I'm talking about.

Dennis: You have a system where you come in after Mac?
Frank: That's right. I come in after Mac, but he's taking like forever this time. I got my magnum condoms. I got my wad of hundreds. I'm ready to plow.

Frank: It's the media, see? When it's white people, it's survival. And when it's black people, it's looting.
Dee: No, Frank, it's because the white people are stealing bread and the black people are stealing speakers. If the white people were stealing stereo equipment, I would say they were looting too.
Frank: How do you know the blacks don't have bread in those speakers?

Charlie: Seven straight hours of lecturing?
Dennis: Yeah, and five hours alone dedicated to the evils of homosexuality, from him?
Dee: Did anyone else notice that he had an erection the entire time?
Charlie: Of course.
Frank: How could you miss it?

Christmas: [singing] Pulling fake-outs, pulling pranks/gives your friends the Christmas cranks/and this is how they will react/when they finally crack/They'll rip your arm off at the bone/Eat it like an ice cream cone/Gouge your eyes out with a spoon/Blow them up like two balloons/Keep them close so you can see/as they chainsaw off your knee/Bash your body with a board/and hang you by your spinal cord.
Frank: Oh $#*%.
Christmas: And then they'll rip you down so you survive/Grind your legs while you're alive/Throw you to a gator pit/Let them gnaw on you a bit/Pull you out and stab your face/Spray your wounds all full of mace/Now they're really getting brazen/When you're burned by racist singing raisins.

Dennis: Wait, so you just painted your butt blue and nobody noticed the hole in your pants?
Dee: Yep, it worked, it worked.
Frank: Well, as long as it works.

Dennis: If you don't like smoke, then don't come into the bar.
Charlie: I *work* in this bar. I work here.
Dennis: But that's because you have the freedom to choose to work here, okay? Smoking bans, they don't protect freedom, they strip it away from smokers
Frank: Look, I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.
Dee: You went to Vietnam in *1993* to open up a sweatshop!
Frank: And a lot of good men died in that sweatshop.

Mrs. Reynolds: Jesus Christ, Frank. This place is a shit hole! Is this how you've been living?
Frank: We make it work. What do you want?
Mrs. Reynolds: I want to talk.
Frank: I tried to talk to you weeks ago. You went on vacation.
Mrs. Reynolds: I was trying to scare some sense into you. You were talking about giving away all of our money.
Frank: My money. I made it, you spent it.
Charlie: Burn. There you go, buddy.
[Charlie and Frank hi-five]
Mrs. Reynolds: How can you say that to me? After everything I've done for you. While you were out making money, who do you think was at home cooking and cleaning and raising your children?
Frank: A series of Mexican women?
Charlie: A series... unbelievable, dude. You're on fire.
[they hi-five again]
Mrs. Reynolds: You can choose to live like an animal if you want to, but I refuse to be subjected to it. I want my shit back. You took my shit from our home and I want it back.
Frank: Well, I didn't take anything.
Mrs. Reynolds: It's empty. Someone came in and took everything.
Frank: Maybe you should have somebody deported like you used to in the old days.
Charlie: Beautiful.
[Charlie hi-fives Frank and is then slapped in the face by Barbara]
Mrs. Reynolds: I can't even talk to you anymore. Standing up for yourself. Standing up for immigrants! I don't know what you're turning into Frank, but it's making me sick!

Mac: Okay, I'm afraid of game show rules.
Dee: You guys, I know what it is. It's failure.
Dennis: That's too pathetic.
Frank: Liberal yahoos taking my guns.
Dennis: That-that is a political firestorm, Frank. No!
Charlie: Oh, oh! The Nightman.

Frank: Charlie is right. We should not be breakin' our own shit. We should be out there breakin' other people's shit. That's rock & roll.

Dee: [in a yellow pantsuit] I am presenting myself as a powerful lady.
Frank: You're presenting yourself as a banana.

Frank: What the hell is that?
Mac: It's a baby we found in the trash.
Frank: Well, put it back. It doesn't belong to you.

Dennis: What did you say about the money?
Frank: I'm giving it all away.
Dee: That is a very stupid thing to do.
Dennis: You're a very stupid, stupid man.

[eating chips while stoned]
Dennis: Carbs-wise, this is gonna set me back, but I don't even give a shit.
Frank: Yes.
Dennis: Country Mac's awesome.
Frank: Yes.
Dennis: You know?
Dee: This weed that he gave us is awesome.
Frank: Yes.
Dennis: Yeah.
Charlie: Yeah.
Dennis: All these years, I've been feelin' like I hate karate... and, like, I hate Project Badass, and, like... I hate God...
Frank: Yes.
Dennis: But, like... I realized... you know what I really hate... is Mac.
Frank: Yes.
Dennis: Like, he's made all those cool things suck. Not only is he, like, ruining my life... but with all this God shit that he's into... he could be ruining my afterlife.
Frank: Yes.

Frank: Because poop is funny!

Frank: There's nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who's smart and attractive; we have to pretend you're both!
Sweet: Wow, you're a horrible father.

Frank: [introducing himself to a group of parents who have gathered at Paddy's Pub to enter their children in a pageant] I know some of you may have heard about that other guy... I am not gonna diddle your kids. I'm not like that; that's not my thing. I met that guy in a titty bar!

Frank: I wanna live like you again, Charlie. I wanna be pathetic and desperate and ugly and hopless.
Charlie: Okay. I'm not ugly.

Dennis: Once the guests arrive, we will ply them with liquor, and then I will present to them this peace treaty that I will have them sign.
Frank: Why you always want people to sign creepy documents?
Dennis: [laughs] Well, Frank, once something's in writing, that means it's set in stone. Then no one can do anything to stop me.

Frank: [after a water stain that resembles the Virgin Mary is found in the back room, and the gang is arguing about if it's a miracle] Alright! Listen! It could be a miracle... or it could be bullshit! But we know one thing's for sure...
Charlie: What's that?
Frank: It's a goddamn gold-mine!

Mac: I'm starting to see myself as more of a problem solver, I think that actually could be a new identity. I'm gonna put that on the list, you guys are gonna wanna hear this... So, uh, Dutch first. Dutch first, then gay, then problem solver. Now, could you repeat that back to me, 'cause I think...
Charlie: Oh dude, shut up! Oh my God! Alright, you're Irish, Mac.
Frank: Yeah. You're not Dutch.
Mac: What?
Charlie: You're Irish, right? But we knew you were gonna be so goddamn annoying about it on the trip, and that it was gonna be the only thing you talked about, so we paid your mom to tell you you were Dutch!
Frank: It cost us a couple of loosies.
Charlie: Yeah.
Dennis: Yeah, your mom does not like you, dude.
Charlie: Yeah, but I mean, Luther Vandross, Mac? Really? Luther Vandross?
Dennis: Come on, Mac.
Charlie: But somehow, it's been even worse! You're talking about your identity even more! I can't believe it!
Mac: Why would you do that?

Charlie: Hooooly shit! Is that the ocean?
Dennis: Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean.
Charlie: What's on the other side of it there?
Frank: Europe.
Charlie: Now how long would it take...
Dennis: Do not try and swim to Europe.
Charlie: *Don't* swim to Europe...
Frank: Do not.

[about the dance 'contest']
Dee: Place, Paddy's Pub. Time, Saturday. Date, with Charlie Kelly. Prize... PADDY'S PUB?
Dennis: Whoa, dude, you put the bar up as a prize?
Charlie: No, I listed it in the 'Pride' section, the place where you list what you take pride in.
Dee: That's a 'Z', Charlie!
Frank: Didn't you read that goddamn thing?
Charlie: I gave it a once-over!
Mac: Oh, that's it! Your illiteracy has screwed us again!

Dennis: [walks in on his friends preparing for the Phillies playing in the World Series] Hey guys what's up?
Dee: How come you aren't wearing your colors?
Dennis: Colors? What are you...? Oh, my God, is today the World Series? I totally forgot... Oh, wait a minute!
[takes off shirt to reveal "Go Phillies" written on his chest]
Dennis: Sporting events are the one time it's socially acceptable to go shirtless in public and I plan to be blasting bare chest the whole time.
Frank: You're gonna feel cold as shit up in those stands!
Dennis: I'm not going to be feeling anything because I plan to be blasted on grain alcohol!

Dennis: I am not banging my sister.
Barbara: Jesus Christ! What have I walked into here?
Dee: Oh my God.
Barbara: You two aren't having *sex* together...
Dennis: No, we're not having sex.
Frank: What the hell is she doing here?
Dee: Sit down please, Mom.
Barbara: I am not getting pulled into any sort of perverted sex talk.
Dennis: It's not perverted!
Frank: Banging your sister is perverted, Dennis!
Dennis: [shouts] I am not banging my sister!

Frank: Your "Jane" is sitting over there.
Dennis: Aw, you gotta be kid- Her? Dude, she's like a hundred years old.
Frank: 68 tops.
Dennis: That's still extremely old. I'm not kissing that.
Frank: Nah, you don't have to kiss her. We can make that one of your rules.
Dennis: This time nothing with the ass, 'cause that got really weird last time, alright?
Frank: What are you talkin' about?
Dennis: You didn't set up that ass play on the last one?
Frank: No, I never set up any ass play.
Dennis: Alright. Well, I wanna set up a doctor's appointment anyway, just to be safe.
Frank: Alright. Do that.

Frank: Banging your sister is perverted, Dennis!

Dennis: [the gang talks about the city's serial killer as Mac suddenly walks into the bar] This guy got laid last night!
Mac: [nervously] No, I didn't!
Dennis: Yeah, you did. You didn't come last night.
Mac: Yes, I did!
Dee: Yeah, those are the same clothes you were wearing yesterday.
Mac: No, they aren't. They're different clothes.
Dennis: Hey, what's with those scratches on your neck?
Mac: Scratches? What scratches? I've... I've gotta take a piss. Stop asking me questions.
[runs into the bathroom]
Dee: Well, that was weird.
Charlie: I wonder what got into him.
Frank: Serial killin'!

Frank: I want this sushi dinner to be the tits.
Charlie: Oh, okay, so you want it to be, like, really expensive.
Frank: No, I wanna eat sushi off of some Jap broad's tits!

Frank: [overheard by children and their parents on a mic system] I got a question about you morticians. You bang the dead bodies? I imagine stuff like that goes on all the time. I mean, I don't give a shit. If I was dead you could bang me all you want. I mean, who cares? A dead body is like a piece of trash. I mean, shove as much shit in there as you want. Fill me up with cream, make a stew out of my ass. What's the big deal? Bang me, eat me, grind me up into little pieces, throw me in the river. Who gives a shit? You're dead, you're dead! Oh shit! Is my mic on?

Frank: We gotta definitely write a song about how we do not diddle kids! "Do not diddle kids, it's no good diddling kids."
Mac: There is no quicker way for people to think that you are diddling kids than by writing a song about it!

Charlie: Hey Frank, what guy hasn't done some extensive research on his own genitalia? Don't say you, buddy, 'cause I woke up to you doing some pretty frantic research last night, pal!
Frank: We can go tit for tat on that one, so you better drop that subject!

Frank: Aw! Moms are so not lit.

Frank: [looking for someone via MySpace so he can kill him] Shit! He hasn't accepted my friend request!
Charlie: Relax, Frank. Sometimes it takes a while.
Frank: It's been days! I have no friends!
Charlie: Would you stop saying that? You have friends.
Frank: Yeah, I got you, I got this guy, Tom, and this crazy lady who claims we had a one-night-stand 30 years ago.
Charlie: Yeah, but Tom doesn't really count. He sort of comes with it.

Dee: [drops a bag of Oxycontin on the pool table] Boom.
Frank: What am I supposed to do with that?
Mac: You tell us.
Charlie: Bingo told us you know how to sell those drugs.
Frank: I told you not to involve me in that! Did you mention my name?
Dennis: First thing we did.
Dee: You gonna harp on it all day?
Frank: Goddammit! The guy's gonna skin me alive.
Charlie: He is gonna skin you alive.
Dee: Yeah, he mentioned something about it.
Dennis: Will you just pay the mob off so we don't have to sell these pills?
Frank: Dennis, I am not using any more of my money!
Dennis: The mob is gonna kill us, man!
Frank: Look, if I cave on this, I'm gonna be bailing you guys out for the rest of my life. I'm putting my foot down on this one. You bitches gotta earn your own money!

Frank: Do we have any sharp knives?
Mac: What?
Dennis: What?
Frank: These guys are maniacs! They want to start betting fingers.
Dennis: Fingers!
Mac: What are you talking about?
Frank: If Alan loses this hand, he's gonna start chopping off his fingers. I've never seen anything like it in my life!
Mac: Okay, this has gone way too far.
Dennis: This is getting ridiculous. Dad, your friends have got to go!
Frank: Bullshit!
Mac: You are *killing* our freedom, man!
Frank: This is what freedom's all about. I'm living on the edge!

Frank: Dennis, let your sister be part of the gang.

Frank: I'm not gonna be buried in a grave. When I'm dead, just throw me in the trash.

Dennis: Where am I having dinner tonight, Frank? I'm kind of in the mood for Asian fusion.
Frank: No more dinners. We're going straight to bangin' from now on. Check this out.
[shows Dennis his newspaper ad]
Dennis: Jesus Christ, man.
Frank: What, you got a problem?
Dennis: Yeah. This makes me seem like a whore.
Frank: You are a whore.
Dennis: I'm not a whore, I'm a handsome companion who goes to nice dinners with fancy women, and who has rules about what he'll do. I mean, what happened to the rules, Frank?
Frank: You can still have your rules.
Dennis: It says right here "no rules"!

Frank: Look at that, James Earl Jones is doing a great black face!
Dennis: James Earl Jones has a black face. He's a black man!
Frank: He's not black, he was Darth Vader!
Mac: Darth Vader was black.
Frank: No. Darth Vader was not black, they took the mask off, he was white! Look, look, we gotta agree on this: the whole idea is getting the right color shoe polish.

Frank: Could be a miracle or could be bullshit? All I know is, it's a Goddamn goldmine!

Charlie: Hooooly shit! Is that the ocean?
Dennis: Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean.
Charlie: What's on the other side of it there?
Frank: Europe.
Charlie: Now, how long would it take...
Dennis: Do not try and swim to Europe.
Charlie: *Don't* swim to Europe...
Frank: Do not.

Frank: All right, now pretend that this shoe is an unboned chicken and you're gonna cook it tonight and make a tasty dinner that's gonna smell all through the house like cooked chicken.
Beth: Actually, I'm vegan.
Frank: Okay, then pretend this shoe is whatever you people eat. Maybe it *is* a shoe.
Dee: Nice one.

Dennis: Everyone gather 'round. I have an announcement to make.
Frank: Dennis has an announcement?
[to Mac]
Frank: Go, now's your chance. Rant and rave.
Mac: [shouting] Gather 'round, everybody! Gather 'round, please!
Dee: We're all standing here.
Frank: Is this everybody?
Mac: Is this everybody?
Dee: You know it's everybody. What are you doing?
Mac: Dennis has an announcement.
Dee: Yeah, I-I-I heard that. I'm wondering what it is.
Mac: It's an announcement!
Charlie: What's up, Dennis?
Dennis: I have an announcement.
Dee: OH, MY GOD! WHAT IS IT?

Frank: I got a plan to get back at your mother!
Dee: Too late, I'm already full throttle over here. I'm going to dig up her body in the middle of the night and snatch back that jewelry.
Frank: That's insane!
Dee: Frank, that woman is buried down there like Mr. T! I got to get to that body while the earth is still loose.

Frank: We're sittin' around here practicing like a bunch of pansies. We should be out gettin' wasted and breaking shit.
Mac: Frank's absolutely right. How can we be rock stars if we're not living like rock stars?

Charlie: Whoa, I bring nothing to the table? Oh, really? You ever stop for one second to think about hey, where did all the groceries come from, Frank? Oh, how did my laundry get so clean? Oh, oh, who washed all the dishes today?
Frank: Nobody washes the dishes! We eat the food directly off the coffee table, and you know it!

Frank: You like ass play? He'll do anything with the ass.

Dennis: Name a Philadelphia celebrity you would like to have a drink with.
Dee: Bill Cosby.
Frank: The cards are a little outdated.

Frank: This is a brilliant idea, hobovertising! Come on it looks good, beer 'em

College: [dissecting poop] Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper.
Dennis: Alright, well now we're gettin' somewhere. Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper?
Charlie: It's gonna go both ways dude, sorry.
Dennis: Really?
Charlie: Yeah, what else? What else?
College: This appears to be a piece of a credit card.
Frank: Inconclusive.
Dennis: How is that not specific to one of you?
Charlie: I wish it was man, but that's inconclusive.
College: Oh boy, there's a good deal of blood in this stool. Whoever's it is should see a doctor.
Charlie: Well, don't give us judgements, just tell us what's in there. What's in there, what else?
College: Is this wolf hair?
Frank: Also inconclusive.
Dennis: Jesus Christ!

Charlie: [Frank is downing a bunch of pills with beer] What are you doing?
Frank: I'm taking 'em because I can't sift through the duds. I gotta take 'em all because I gotta get healthy really fast.

Charlie: All right, toss me the keys!
Frank: Here ya go.
[throws keys into the water]
Charlie: What the hell was that?
Frank: That's the keys, I threw 'em right at ya!
Charlie: I asked you to toss 'em, you threw 'em overhand!

Charlie: [after informing a rival bar that the gang poisoned them 10 years ago to win a flip-cup tournament] Check it out... Who's to say we didn't put that very same poison in the drinking water?
Mac: [customers begin spitting out water] Everybody relax. He's lying. He doesn't have any poison.
Charlie: No, I don't have any on me. But I do keep some in my fridge at home in the relish jar.
Frank: There's poison in that jar? I thought I was allergic to pickles.
[pause]
Frank: What's in the jar with the skull and crossbones?
Charlie: Well, that's mayonnaise. That's a decoy.
Frank: And the mayo?
Charlie: That's shampoo.
Frank: You're telling me I've been putting shampoo on my sandwiches?
Charlie: If you're using the mayonnaise, yeah... probably.

Frank: Ah! Rum ham! Rum ham! Oh, rum ham!

Mac: [in a retirement home] These places are like prisons.
Frank: Like people getting ass raped?
Charlie: What? Oh, my God, dude. No one's getting ass raped, Frank. Come on, man.
Mac: No, it's just that people don't wanna be here, because they feel like...
Frank: Because they're getting ass raped!

Dee: We need to talk to you about something, Dad.
Frank: Shoot.
Dennis: It's kind of disturbing.
Frank: You two aren't banging, are you?
Dee: What?
Dennis: No! What are you talking about?
Dee: No, that's disgusting.
Frank: Yeah, yeah it is. Stay away from that kind of thing. No good can come of it, trust me.

Frank: You look like a dick in that tiny jacket!

[last lines]
Frank: [shocked] Oh my god. I get it. I get it.

Frank: Well, you see when I was a kid, games were much more violent. We used to play purple nurple, sock full of quarters, kick the Jew.

Mac: This office sucks.
Dee: It smells bad and it's stuffy in here.
Dennis: Yeah, it's the Restaurant and Bar Association; it's a stuffy organization. They're not in touch with the young people like us.
Dee: Some old boner gives me attitude, I'm gonna spit in his face.
Dennis: If he starts giving me shit, I'll spit at him.
Mac: We should all spit.
Frank: Look, we're not spitting, all right?

Frank: Now, Daddy hates to say this, but I think we need to talk about the breasts.

Frank: Employee evaluation. This bar is a business, and we're gonna start acting like one.
Mac: Yeah, well, I DON'T want to start acting like a business, 'cause that sounds boring as shit.
Dennis: Yeah, and this thing's, like, ten pages long, so you know what? I'm not gonna read it.
Frank: Well, then, that's gonna affect your rank!
Dennis: Rank?
Frank: I put us all in a ranking system so you'd all care about your jobs.
Dennis: Are we ranked now?
Frank: Yes, you are.
Dennis: Where am I ranked?
Frank: Second, after me.
Mac: Wait, what about me?
Frank: You're third.
Mac: WHAT? Why am I third?
Frank: Too volatile.
Mac: BULLSHIT! That's BULLSHIT!

Mac: I've changed my mind, I'm playing the Nightman!
Dennis: Why would you wanna play the Nightman?
Mac: The Nightman's badass, dude. He has the eyes of a cat and does karate across the stage.
Charlie: Where are you getting that from? Karate?
Mac: I made that up, man. It's gonna be great.
Dennis: This is great. That frees up the Lead Boy role and the Dayman role. I can play both those.
Charlie: No, I don't want you guys switching roles. That's not how it works.
Mac: Hey Frank, you got a guy that does cat eyes?
Frank: [on phone] I'm already on it.

Frank: Deandra, your breath is dogshit.

Frank: Charlie, I need a woman. I need a woman to... to cook for me, and clean up after me, and somebody that will do everything I say.
Charlie: Well, that's just a maid. You want a maid?
Frank: Yeah, that's right, a maid. A maid I can bang.

Mac: Charlie, this is our opportunity to prove to people that we are to be respected. No one is more respected than dudes in prison right?
Charlie: Yeah.
Mac: And what are dudes in prison?
Charlie: Hard?
Mac: Right; this is our chance to get hard.
Charlie: OK OK i just don't know if this is the best way to get hard.
Mac: Of course it is, this is totally hard. Look you want to get hard don't you?
Charlie: I want to get hard. I want to get very very hard.
Mac: Alright, do you want to shove heroin into your ass?
Charlie: Dude I don't want to shove anything in my ass.
Mac: Alright this is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are and not have to shove anything into our asses.
Frank: What in Gods name are you two talking about?
Mac: Frank we're in.
Frank: Great!
[Fires Gun]

Frank: What, you put the moves on him?
Dee: First of all, gross, I don't think you're supposed to whore out your kids. Second of all, that guy is a really good person and I've treated him like shit for his whole life. For once I'm going to do the right thing.
Frank: He thinks you're too old, huh?
Dee: God Damn it. Why do I speak to you? Ever?

Artemis: He's been trying to climb through that garbage can for 20 minutes. I'm pretty sure he's on acid.
Frank: Thank God you guys are here. How'd you get in here?
Dennis: What are you talking about?
Frank: I've been stuck in this bathroom for three hours.
Artemis: I think he pooped in there.

Frank: I may have started a money fire.

Dennis: [pops off shirt] What do you think about this?
Ruby: About what?
Dennis: What I'm presenting you.
Ruby: I think you look really pale. Do you need some sunscreen?
Dennis: It's the first in the season. I haven't had a chance to get a base going, you know...?
Frank: Dennis? Dennis?
Dennis: What do you think of the pecs? What do you think of...?
Frank: Dennis!
Dennis: [goes to Frank] What?
Frank: I thought you said you weren't gonna hit on her.
Dennis: Am I hitting on her?

Frank: I'm going with you guys because I am bored as shit.
Dee: That's not a good idea because when you get involved people usually get hurt.
Frank: I'm just hanging out with the guys. How's anyone gonna get hurt?
[cue: "Frank Sets Sweet Dee On Fire"]

Frank: No! We can't go out like that. Look, if life pushes you down you gotta push back! If you've been dealt a bunch of lemons, you've got to take those lemons and push them down someones throat until they see yellow! And if some punk ass kid humiliates you, you've got to do the only thing thats left to do!

Dennis: [after putting a beer bottle under the back of the moving truck door] Now, the weight of the door will keep the beer bottle in place.
Frank: Good.
Dennis: Nice, huh?
Frank: Move over a little bit, let me sit on the cooler.
Frank: [the truck hits a bump, causing the beer bottle to come off] Goddammit!

Dennis: There's this guy, Bruce, who contacted Dee on MySpace, and he's claiming to be our biological father.
Dee: We just wanted to ask the question and just get it out of the way, is there a chance that that could be possible?
Frank: No.
Barbara: Yes.
Frank: What?
Barbara: Well, Bruce who? Bruce Mathis?
Dee: Yeah.
Barbara: Then yes.
Dee: There's a chance this guy could be our father?
Barbara: No, yes, he *is* your father.
Frank: What the hell are you talking about?
Barbara: Do we really have to get into all of this?
Frank: Yes, we really have to get into all of this!
Dennis: [overlapping] Oh, my god, yes!
Barbara: Fine, fine, fine! Everybody settle down. It's not the end of the world. A long time ago, I met Bruce and we had this little affair, or whatever you want to call it. Long story short: he got me pregnant and I had to make a decision. Seeing as he had no money, I decided that the best thing for everyone was if I didn't tell Bruce and let your father think that the twins were his. End of story.
Dennis: [shocked] End of story?
Frank: How could you do that?
Barbara: I'm sorry. Would you rather I had them aborted?
[to Dennis and Dee]
Barbara: Children, would you like to have been aborted?

Dennis: These kids these days, I'll tell you what. They are nothing like we used to be back when we were in fraternities. They have no respect for anybody, okay? They're like stupid little goddamn savages.
Frank: They're bitches, they're bitches! They're little bitches!
Dennis: I came in there, right? And I was polite, and I was nice to them. I was cordial. And they completely goddamn disrespected me! Little idiots! Idiots! I was completely respectful. They're supposed to be my brothers, right? They're my brothers? No, no, that's lot fun. What they were doing wasn't fun. They kept zapping us and zapping us. Idiots! Savages! Idiots! Idiots!

Frank: Ah I see you two are enjoying my meat. I was just buying some wine. A nice port to compliment what you two have just eaten. By the way, you know what you've just eaten right?
Dee: Was it venison?
Frank: You WISH it was venison!
Charlie: What is it then?
Frank: THAT which you have just eaten, which your taste buds have savored, which your teeth have just torn apart, THAT is human meat.

Grant: Name something that people are afraid of.
Frank: [clears throat] We're gonna go with...
Mac: Wait, wait, wait, Frank. You have to say it in the form of a question.
Frank: What is...?
Grant: No, you don't, you don't, you don't, you don't have to do that 'cause it's not Jeopardy. All right?
Mac: Ah, it's not Jeopardy. Say "show me," Frank.
Grant: Don't say "show me," Frank. Just say the word. Just say the word.
Frank: Show me clowns!

Dennis: You don't snoop and sneak and appear from behind cars!
Frank: I'm sorry, I had something important to tell you guys.
Dennis: We just ran over our friend with a car, what could be more important than that?
Frank: Try this on for size... You're mother's dead.
Dee: ...What?... Oh, no...
Frank: ...No, she's not dead. We're getting divorced though.

Dee: Are you buying this? That is ridiculous. Dennis, they left us a list of demands!
Frank: What're you talking about? That's their last will and testament. That is not demands!
Dee: It says at the top "List of Demands"!

Frank: When we get out of this, I'm gonna shove my fist right into your ass, hard and fast... Not in the sexual way! In the 'I am pissed off' sort of way.

Dennis: Charlie can't read.
Frank: He'll adapt.
Dennis: He'll adapt to reading?

Frank: Hey, what's the action?
Dennis: Oh, Jesus Christ! Are you gonna keep saying that? Is that like your catch phrase now?

Frank: What do you see?
Dee: I can't see shit! Why did you tint the inside of the windows?

College: [dissecting poop] Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper.
Dennis: All right, well, now we're gettin' somewhere. Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper?
Charlie: It's gonna go both ways, dude. Sorry.
Dennis: Really?
Charlie: Yeah. What else? What else?
College: This appears to be a piece of a credit card.
Frank: Inconclusive.
Dennis: How is that not specific to one of you?
Charlie: I wish it was, man, but that's inconclusive.
College: Oh, boy, there's a good deal of blood in this stool. Whoever's it is should see a doctor.
Charlie: Well, don't give us judgements; just tell us what's in there. What's in there, what else?
College: Is this wolf hair?
Frank: Also inconclusive.
Dennis: Jesus Christ!

Frank: I'm gonna die looking at you, you sack of s**t.

[preparing for a child's beauty pageant]
Mort: Frank. Frank. I need some water. My mouth is dry.
Frank: Your mouth is dry. Go into the toilet and run your mouth under the sink.
[Mac and Charlie raise their hands]
Dennis: Okay...
Charlie: Yeah, can I? Could I? Can I?
Dee: [raises hand] I have a...
Charlie: Who's that?
Frank: He's the mortician. I invited him.

Frank: [cocks gun as he enters the bar] Where's the goddamn fire?

Frank: Shit balls!

Charlie: So what, you want a maid?
Frank: That's right, a maid. A maid I can bang.

Dennis: [on phone] Yeah, all right, well, what was the name on the order?
[laughs]
Dennis: Spider-Man. That's very clever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Frank: Dennis, ask him how it's possible for him to talk to you through a cut phone wire.
Dennis: How is it possible for you to talk to me through a cut ph...
Frank: [holds up cord] I cut it when I found the pizza.
Charlie: Holy shit. Dennis is Spider-Man.

Charlie: What does Atwater make?
Frank: What do you mean, like, how much money does the company make?
Charlie: Oh, no, I mean *what* do we make?
Frank: I don't follow. We make money.
Charlie: No, I know we make money. I mean, what do we create?
Frank: We create wealth.

Frank: There's broken glass everywhere.
Mac: Broken glass? Oh, my God, I think you found Charlie's bad room.
Frank: What the hell is that?
Mac: It's where Charlie goes to think and break bottles. Dude, you gotta get out of there. He's going to find you.

Charlie: Alright, well the problem was that I got the flashlight on and I taped the whole deal up and I realized I'd have to cut all the tape off to get the tape in and I didn't have much more duct tape so I figured stick with the flashlight while we got it.
Mac: So you never put a tape in?
Frank: While we were out there taping the guys with the fish!
Mac: In the nursing home! Outside!
Charlie: Oh my god! See what's happening here is we're getting a yelling and!
Mac: Yeah we're gonna get yelling!
Charlie: Oh I'm sorry! OH I FORGOT TO PUT A TAPE IN! I FORGOT TO PUT A TAPE IN!

Dennis: [at Mac and Charlie's funeral] Uh, what to say about Mac... Um... He certainly was... angry...
Frank: Burn the duster!
Dennis: I'm not burning the duster! Okay? I'm not burning the duster, alright? That's crazy. That's insane. Why would I ever burn... I mean, I will continue to wear it in his honor and I will burn some other things, you know, maybe like these stupid goddamn sleeveless t-shirts that he once retired and hung up in the bar, I'll burn these. But I'm not burning the duster, okay, so forget it. It probably won't even burn anyway, it's not supposed to. It's flame retardant, that's the whole point. It's like a shield of armor. So stop asking me to burn the duster. I'm not gonna burn it!

Mac: Frank, put the gun away.
Frank: Oh, no! I'm goin' out, I'm goin' guns blazin'.

Frank: I know you're not as dumb as you seem.
Charlie: Well, let's just say that I am.

Frank: What's the situation?
Charlie: I got two cats stuck inside this wall, can't get 'em out.
Frank: Wanna bring in a third?
Charlie: I'm thinkin' maybe four.

Charlie: Why is the witch-slave shooting at you anyways?
Frank: Maybe she used her sorcery.
Dee: Sorcery? Your dumb-dick partner walked into the bar and said he'd stolen a bunch of guns and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head. And of course I did, so here we are.
Frank: Damn your necromancy, woman!

Frank: I got a confession. I was at Chappaquiddick. The girl, Teddy Kennedy, the bridge, the car. I played a major role.

Frank: How 'bout you put an egg in your shoe and beat it!

Frank: I'm going to go oil my chainsaw.
Dee: What?
Dennis: Frank, we don't need the chainsaw. Is that what's in that bag?
Frank: Oh, we do... because drawing a confession out of someone is like doing a beautiful dance... a beautiful dance with a chainsaw.
Dennis: He makes less and less sense as the days go by.
Dee: I don't get it... at all.

Dee: [performing on stage] So I finally broke down and I took a shower the other day. The stink flipped around and now my soap smells like dirty vag.
[audience laughter]
Mac: She said "vagina." A woman said "vagina."
Frank: That's what makes it funny!
Dennis: Tasteless.
Dee: [robot voice] Vagina, vagina. Vagina, vagina.
[makes fart noises]
Dennis: And the sound effects out of absolutely nowhere, no setup.

Frank: Intervention. Intervention. You banged my dead wife?
Mac: Well, she was alive at the time. But... Did you not know that?
Frank: No.
Charlie: It's cool, man. It's cool. Intervention. Intervention, okay? Look, he's got a weird, um, fetish for older women, so don't hold it against him.
Mac: I don't have an older-woman fetish.
Charlie: Yeah, you do.
Mac: I don't wanna bang this chick.
[points to Tabitha]

Frank: [at the cemetery] Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna.
Donna: Hello, Frank.
Frank: You surprised to see me?
Donna: No. You left several voicemails congratulating me on my husband's death.
Frank: Well, I was pretty baked.

Dennis: Oh, you better have a good reason for getting us outta bed this early, jerk.
Frank: I got a goddamn great reason for gettin' you out of bed. This bar is hemorrhaging money!
Charlie: You gotta spend money to make money. Economics 101, dude.
Frank: You're bleeding us to death! Especially with that company credit card you got.
Mac: Uh, that is for business expenses, Frank. Everything on there is a business expense.
Frank: Who spent $500 for laser hair removal?
Dennis: Right over here, Slick. Don't wanna have hair down there, know what I'm sayin'?
Frank: Who spent $5,000 for a samurai sword?
Mac: [raises hand] Your head of security.
Charlie: Yeah, just wait till he saves your life one day with it.
Frank: $6,000 on a camcorder!
Dee: Well, I've decided what I'm gonna do is I'm going to take all those hilarious characters that I've been creating over the past several years. I'm gonna put 'em on tape, I'm gonna put 'em on YouTube. That way I can get discovered by like a casting director or a producer. I get some kind of a TV development deal.
Dennis: Yeah, right, so the point is, Frank, is that these are all business expenses. I mean, some are definitely more realistic than others...
Charlie: [points to Dee] Yeah, not that one.
Dennis: No, not at all, but nonetheless I believe bought as a business expense.
Frank: They're not business expenses! What *I* bought is a business expense. What I bought is somethin' that's gonna save our asses!
Dennis: [mockingly] Okay. Yeah, all right.
Charlie: All right, what d'ya get?
Frank: I bought a billboard!
[cue: "America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest"]

Frank: Charlie, I want a list of the top ten shareholders of the company ASAP, and call the press. Put out a press release. Tell them The Warthog is back in business. Also, there are too many minorities and women working here. What's up with that?

Mac: No, no, no! Gangsters don't sing!
Frank: What are you talking about? You ever hear of gangsta rap?

[Charlie, Frank and Dee are fighting over Valentine's Day, and Dennis has had enough]
Dennis: STOP! STOP! STOP! What are you... What are you guys DOING? This is NUTS! THIS IS CRAZY! I can't believe we blew another opportunity to have a working bar, to have a successful business together, because you assholes get so worked up over Valentine's Day, the DUMBEST holiday that ever existed!
Charlie: But I thought you were trying to get us to focus on ourselves and focus on Valentine's Day...
Dennis: WHAT? Are you insane? All I've been saying is to please focus on the bar! But you just couldn't do it!
Dee: Dennis, I gotta say, I feel like this is just about something else...
Dennis: It's not about something else, it's...
Frank: The bar is fine. Something else is up...
Charlie: You know what it is? This is 'cause you hate Valentine's Day.
Dennis: It's not 'cause I hate Valentine's Day, it's because I -- I just...
[stammers]
Frank: That's what it is. He's trying to distract us from Valentine's Day. That's the thing.
Dee: You know why though? You guys, it's because he doesn't have any feelings. And we do.
Charlie: That's it! Yeah, because we have feelings, and you don't! And that's why you hate Valentine's Day!
Dennis: NO! STOP! GODDAMN IT!
[everybody else shuts up]
Dennis: I hate Valentine's Day because you assholes never got me anything! Okay, and I have feelings! Of course I have feelings! I have big feelings, okay? And it hurts. Okay? So... So that's why I hate Valentine's Day, and that's why I put anthrax in the box.
Dee: That was you?
Dennis: Yes, it was me. I just... I just wanted it to stop! It's powdered sugar, by the way... Oh, he's already eating it.
Frank: [eating the powdered sugar] I knew that.

Frank: Remember the time we robbed a motorcycle an ran it into the river? Oh, you must be doing shit like that now, huh? Come on.
Angie: Well, I've slowed down quite a bit once I met my husband, Carl.
Frank: Oh... you said you weren't married.
Angie: Oh, I'm not. Carl passed a few years ago.
Frank: Oh...
Angie: Once I met him and had kids, I pretty much stayed at home. Carl had two children from a previous marriage and then we had five of our own.
Frank: Oh, shit!

Frank: I made tequila bullets, but I guess I put too much gunpowder in.

Bruce: We were in Uganda doing a lot of work with the AIDS crisis there and...
Frank: AIDS? You touch anybody?
Bruce: Well, sure.
Frank: Hey, man! What kind of shit is that? You just hugged me! Why would you do that?
Dee: Seamus is joking. He's got a - He's got a very dry sense of humor.
Frank: I'm not joking! That shit is serious! I gotta take a shower now!

Charlie: Alright. So what's the vig?
Frank: What?
Charlie: Yeah, man. What's the vig on this action?
Frank: Do you even know what VIG means?

Dennis: If Charlie took any time to study in school, he would recognize that the Constitution protects my freedom to blow smoke all over his face.
Charlie: You gotta be... you don't know shit about the Constitution, man.
Mac: Uh, he knows more than you two un-American freedom haters.
Dennis: Thank you.
Dee: Oh, Charlie, we hate freedom. Eww, we hate it.
Dennis: You hate it.
Charlie: Oh, *I'm* un-American?
Frank: You're practically a Viet Cong.

Frank: Hi, ladies, I'm Frack. Shit!

Mac: [referring to band] You're not in it.
Dennis: Why am I not in it? I have a great voice.
Mac: You do have a great voice. You know what man, you have an excellent voice. The problem is that you're like into all of that early eighties glam rock fem shit and that's not the artistic direction that I want to take the band in.
Dennis: Artistic direction? You guys don't even play instruments.
Mac: Well that doesn't matter, does it? Because it's all about rocking and looking good and kicking ass.
Frank: Yeah, he's right. It's all about image and marketing. I mean, there are no band out there with any musical ability.
Mac: Frank, I like the way you think. You're in the band!

Frank: Look out, faggot!

Charlie: [Seeing a shirtless Frank] Frank did you flush your shirt?
Frank: Yup.

Dennis: How do we know they're North Koreans?
Frank: Because that's the bad Korea.

Maureen: What do you think about this?
[shows off a diamond in her dead tooth]
Frank: [in disgust] Ho! Ho! It wafted over here, the dead tooth... It's burning my nose. It stinks.

Frank: I know what the billboard is gonna look like already: two gorgeous girls up there, giant cans, me in the middle with my thumbs up.
Dennis: Well, that's just simply not gonna happen.
Mac: Actually, maybe Frank has a point, dude. Maybe we should put a dude up there. Certainly not him, but if we put some hot beefcake up there maybe it'll attract more chicks.
Dennis: Yeah, that's a good point. Okay, I like that. You know what, let's slap my picture up there. It's about time I got my modeling career off the ground anyway.
Frank: [laughing] Don't flatter yourself. You're not gonna be up there, because I am gonna be the face of Paddy's bar!
Dennis: That's ridiculous, Frank. You're, um... ugly.
Frank: What?
Dennis: Ugly!
Frank: I'm ugly? With that anteater nose you're telling me I'm ugly?
Dennis: My nose was chiseled by the gods themselves, Frank. My body was sculpted to the proportions of Michelangelo's David. You on the other hand, well... you're a pit of despair. Frank, you disgust me. You disgust everyone. And you will never, *ever* be on that billboard.