Top 300 Quotes From Dennis Reynolds

Dee: Whoa, that was really weird.
Dennis: Yeah. Well this confirms it. He definitely got molested.
Dee: Ugh. We gotta get in there.
Dennis: Get - we gotta get in there?
Dee: Yes!
Dennis: You can't just thrust yourself into the position of caregiver like that.
Dee: Caregiver? Why are you throwing around big words? You know, I actually majored in psych so...
Dennis: Yeah, well you failed all your classes.
Dee: So?
Dennis: And I had a minor and I passed all mine so...
Dee: Okay well you know what? 3/4 of a major is a lot bigger than a whole minor.
Dennis: I don't even know how to respond to that.
Dee: Well, that doesn't surprise me.
Dennis: Well, it shouldn't because what you said is really... dumb.
Dee: That's a good one.
Dennis: Yeah, it is.
Dee: It's good. I liked that one.
Dennis: I felt good about it.

Dennis: Alright, so how does one go about figuring out what another human being would do? How do you truly get to know someone?
Charlie: You just go through their trash.
Dee: Sleep with them.
Mac: Talk to their priest, then sleep with the priest, then blackmail the priest. Then go back to the priest and ask him to ask God to forgive you for blackmailing him.

Mac: Being handicapped sucks, dude.
Dennis: Oh yeah, man. It's too much work, there's like nothing to show for it.
Mac: Yeah, there's like no advantages!

Dennis: What do I want you to say? I don't know... "Dennis Reynolds, your car is awesome. Your flat-screen TV, I took a look at it. It's very very thin. It speaks volumes about you as a person."

Dennis: Because Dennis is a bastard man!

Charlie: I knew that guy was full of shit! I knew it!
Dennis: What guy?
Charlie: That lawyer guy, okay? He totally besmirched me today, and I demand satisfaction from him.
Mac: You want him to bang you?
Charlie: Uh. No, Mac. Be serious, okay? He slandered me in front of a jury of my own peers, all right? Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened.
[shows the gang a history book]
Charlie: Take a look at this picture. What do you see?
Mac: I see two trannies shooting at each other.
Charlie: No, dude. They're dueling, okay? These are lawyers settling an argument by dueling it out.
Dennis: Now, how do you know that the two trannies are lawyers?
Charlie: [slams book] 'Cause it's an old book, okay? I don't have to explain everything to you about what I know! I'm trying to... get satisfied... from this dude... and you're trying to... I'm getting satisfied. I don't care.

Mort: Frank. Frank. I need some water. My mouth is dry.
Frank: Your mouth is dry. Go into the toilet and run your mouth under the sink.
[Mac and Charlie raise their hands]
Dennis: Okay...
Charlie: Yeah, can I? Could I? Can I?
Dee: [raises hand] I have a...
Charlie: Who's that?
Frank: He's the mortician. I invited him.

Dennis: Like that? Huh? Get what you want?
Frannie: Just keep dancing, whore.

[Dee pulls out a stuffed toy elephant]
Dennis: Mr. Tibbs.
Dee: Oh, is that it? Is that Mr. Tibbs? Is that what they call you? They call you Mr. Tibbs.
[Dee rips off Mr. Tibbs' head]
Dee: What do they call you now?
Dennis: Whatever. I don't care.
Dee: Huh.
[Dennis turns away and silently gasps]

Dennis: [car horn honking] Aw, merge, merge! You had your... Come on, you got, you have to seize the goddamn gap! People are so goddamn inefficient! Oh, goddammit! I don't care if you're old, seize the gap! You old fat bitch! You fat bitch!

Dennis: [Mac, Charlie, and Dennis standing outside of the church] Well, I'll tell you, guys. I didn't feel much in there, but I always enjoy the little wafers.
Mac: Of course you do. Because you're consuming the actual body of Christ.
Dennis: Uh-huh. Well, he was delicious.

[repeated lines, said in no specific order]
Mac: Boom.
Dennis: Boom.
Dee: Boom.

Crack: [at the free clinic] Hey pretty boy, whatcha here for?
Dennis: My friend's getting a... blood test.
Crack: Your boyfriend?
Dennis: No, he's not my... he's not my boyfriend.
Crack: He got AIDS?
Dennis: I don't... I don't think so.
Crack: Do you?
Dennis: No, I don't.
Crack: I'll blow you for 10 dollars.

Dennis: [digging through trunk] Oh, they're all gonna pay. They're all gonna pay the ultimate price!
Charlie: Whoa!
Mac: Dude, what's all that stuff you're grabbing?
Dennis: Tools! Tools! Duct tape, zip ties and gloves! I have to have my tools!
Charlie: Wh-why do you have a bunch of, like, weird tools in a hidden compartment in your car?
Dennis: It's fetish- it's fetish shit! I-I-I like to bind, I like to be bound!

Dee: I am not a failure!
Mac: Dennis, what is it that you call it when somebody tries to do something but doesn't succeed?
Dennis: Uh, that would in fact be a failure.
Mac: Dee is a failure.

Mac: The Lord provideth again!
Dennis: No, Mac! No. The Lord not provideth. Frank provideth. He's the one who bought the cups. Fank provideth.
Mac: That well, the Lord provideth the snowstorm in may that allowed us to get the cups now.
Dennis: Uh-huh.
Mac: See? It's all a part of his divine plan, Dennis. And that's locked in, so we're good.
Dennis: Okay, so all we have to do is nothing?
Mac: No. No, because, uh, we have free will, Dennis, which means that, um, we have to take the necessary steps to make sure that that plan comes to fruition.
Dennis: Which is predetermined.
Mac: Yes.
Dennis: But it doesn't matter what we do if it's all predetermined. You see how your argument doesn't make any sense?
Mac: Uh, that's correct. But it doesn't have to make sense, because that's where the faith comes in. Right? I have faith that what i'm saying makes sense.
Dennis: Okay, so even if it doesn't make sense, your faith makes it make sense.
Mac: Correct.
Dennis: Got it! Okay, so there's no way to have a rational conversation with you.
Mac: No.

Charlie: Hooooly shit! Is that the ocean?
Dennis: Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean.
Charlie: What's on the other side of it there?
Frank: Europe.
Charlie: Now how long would it take...
Dennis: Do not try and swim to Europe.
Charlie: *Don't* swim to Europe...
Frank: Do not.

Dennis: And then naturally, we bang. And this is the best bang of all because it's very emotional for her. You see, she thinks she's broken through my tough exterior and coerced affection from a man who was afraid to love. And then I slink out into the night, never to talk to her again.

[after discovering a glory hole in their toilets]
Dee: Why would you want to have sex with someone you can't see?
Dennis: Well Dee, I think the real question is, why wouldn't you want to have sex with someone you can't see?

Dennis: If Charlie took any time to study in school, he would recognize that the Constitution protects my freedom to blow smoke all over his face.
Charlie: You gotta be... you don't know shit about the Constitution, man.
Mac: Uh, he knows more than you two un-American freedom haters.
Dennis: Thank you.
Dee: Oh, Charlie, we hate freedom. Eww, we hate it.
Dennis: You hate it.
Charlie: Oh, *I'm* un-American?
Frank: You're practically a Viet Cong.

Charlie: You did your best, no hard feelings! I'm going to grab some of this literature on my way out too.
Dennis: She didn't do that great of a job.
Charlie: I mean, don't beat her while she's down, man.

Crack: Whatchu need?
Dennis: Uh, one please.
Crack: One what?
Dennis: Uh, one... rock of crack... A crack rock. Is that enough? Is one crack rock enough?
Dee: Um, how much would you recommend for a first time user?
Crack: Tell you what, I'll make you a deal. Two for the price of one.
Dee: Really? Oh, that's very nice of you.
Dennis: Oh, that sounds good. How much?
Crack: 200 dollars?
Dennis: Sounds reasonable, great. Okay.
[slides money through window]

Dennis: Give me dong, or give me death.

Dennis: Charlie, I got a question for you. Who's playing this Lead Boy?
Charlie: That's gonna be Mac.
Mac: What? Oh, yeah! Lead, of course.
Dennis: Who's playing the Dayman?
Charlie: Well, the Lead Boy becomes the Dayman when he defeats the Nightman, so it's also Mac.
Mac: Two parts? Oh, yeah!

Charlie: You see, I just realized that I have two ears, so it's a waste to only listen to one thing.
Dennis: Let me get this straight. You just realized that you have two ears?

Mac: Okay, I'm afraid of game show rules.
Dee: You guys, I know what it is. It's failure.
Dennis: That's too pathetic.
Frank: Liberal yahoos taking my guns.
Dennis: That-that is a political firestorm, Frank. No!
Charlie: Oh, oh! The Nightman.

Dennis: How was Charlie's?
Mac: The way they live bro, it's... it's like, uh...
Dennis: Preposterous.
Mac: Yeah dude, preposterous! I've been trying to come up with that all day! God dude, this is why you and I are such a good team. You know, like I'm a man of action and you're a man that comes up with good...
Dennis: Words?
Mac: Words, dude.
Dennis: Okay, great. We really gotta work on your vocabulary though, man. You couldn't come up with the word "words"!

Charlie: What is going on up here?
[points to his head and laughs]
Dennis: I never know, man.
Charlie: Daylight.
[pointing to a bright window]
Dennis: Yeah, I like that.
[pointing to Charlie's keyboard beat]
Charlie: Day, Day-man.
Dennis: Dayman?
Charlie: Fighter of the Night Man, Champion of the...
Dennis: Sun.
Charlie: Sun! You're a master of karate...
Dennis: And friendship, for everyone.

Mac: I say we hit the sorority houses, start passing out some flyers...
Dennis: We need to go the library. At sorority houses you're going to find nothing but tramps and whores.
Mac: Perfect.
Dennis: You're not listening. We don't want wild girls. We want good girls gone wild. It's important to see the transition, watch the process...

Dennis: Let's talk about your likes and dislikes. Um, how 'bout your favorite food, what would that be?
Charlie: Oh, milk steak.
Dennis: Hm, what?
Charlie: Milk steak.
Dennis: I'm not putting milk steak!
Mac: Just put steak, just put regular steak...
Dennis: I'm gonna put steak.
Charlie: Don't put steak, put milk steak. She'll know what it is.
Dennis: No, she won't know what it is, Charlie. Nobody knows what that is. Okay, alright, what's your favorite hobby?
Charlie: Uh, magnets.
Dennis: Okay, wha- like making magnets, collecting magnets?
Mac: Playing with magnets?
Charlie: Just magnets.
Dennis: I'm gonna put snowboarding. We'll put snowboarding. Alright, what are some of your likes?
Charlie: Uh, ghouls.
Mac: Son of a bitch. What are you talking about now?
Charlie: You know, funny little green ghouls.
Dennis: What, like in movies? In cartoons?
Charlie: Little green ghouls, buddy!
Mac: Don't write ghouls!
Dennis: I'm not, I'm putting travel! Jesus Christ! What are your dislikes?
Charlie: People's knees.
Dennis: Oh, come on! Dude, come on! We'll make the whole thing up, let's get outta here. We're not even gonna use you.
Mac: Bro, you've gotta be kidding. You know what, we'll just make it all up.
Charlie: Cover your knees up if you're gonna be walking around everywhere...

Dennis: Whoa, what's with the spray paint, man?
Charlie: Uhh, what's with your outfit, man?

Mac: Unemployment runs out, what are you gonna do then?
Dennis: Well then we'll just go on welfare.
Mac: Welfare is for people who need it, like drug addicts and single mothers. It's not for over privileged pieces of shit who want to waste millions in taxpayer dollars...
Dennis: [turns music on and begins singing] OH BABY YOU/ YOU GOT WHAT I NEEEEEDD!

Dennis: Listen, listen, listen. I wanna be inside you. I wanna do shit to you that is gonna make you realize what a worthless, boring piece of shit your husband really is.
Christie: Wait a second, I'm confused. Why would you wanna have sex with me?
Dennis: Why the hell wouldn't I wanna have sex with you? I mean, bam, boom, boom.
Christie: Because you're gay.
Dennis: What! I'm not gay.
Christie: Dude, you're wearing makeup.
Dennis: Yeah, I'm wearing a little bit of makeup, who-who doesn't?
Christie: And a girdle.
Dennis: Yeah, I wanted to seem thin for the occasion. That's not weird...

Dennis: After every encounter, I received a text confirming each partner's consent and enjoyment. Now you may ask, would a woman really text that, Dennis? Their phones did.

Charlie: So, we got ourselves a little Mexican girl here and I'm thinking, well, what does a little Mexican girl love more than anything else in the world?
Dennis: Mmm, tacos.
Charlie: Tacos, buddy! So, why not make for her a taco bed? You know what I mean?
Dennis: Okay!
Charlie: She gets to, like, be in a taco every day. So, okay, I got yellow sheets. That's cheese. Green, guacamole. A red little pillow for salsa. And I got these cute little brown pjs so that she gets to feel like ground meat while she's sleeping.
Dennis: Ah, she's the ground meat in the middle.
Charlie: She's the ground meat in the middle!

Dennis: I beg you to stop using the constitution in the way that you're using it.

Mac: Well, right now it looks like you're wearing a mask of yourself over your face.
Dennis: Not a good one? Not a nice mask of myself?
Mac: Not a good one.
Dennis: Do you guys think that a normal mask of me would look good?
Dee: Oh, my God.
Dennis: And if there was would you guys wear it?

Dennis: [the gang talks about the city's serial killer as Mac suddenly walks into the bar] This guy got laid last night!
Mac: [nervously] No, I didn't!
Dennis: Yeah, you did. You didn't come last night.
Mac: Yes, I did!
Dee: Yeah, those are the same clothes you were wearing yesterday.
Mac: No, they aren't. They're different clothes.
Dennis: Hey, what's with those scratches on your neck?
Mac: Scratches? What scratches? I've... I've gotta take a piss. Stop asking me questions.
[runs into the bathroom]
Dee: Well, that was weird.
Charlie: I wonder what got into him.
Frank: Serial killin'!

Dennis: God dammit Jack Bauer, You really are the man.

Dennis: Where am I?
Doctor: You were shot in the head during an armed robbery. The bullet narrowly missed your brain stem and exited the back of your skull.
Dennis: Does-does my dick work?
Doctor: No. Your penis does not work.
Dennis: Kill me.

Dennis: Let's get back to showing Bill that life is happy.
Jane: Bill's a lying, cheating, drug-addict piece of garbage, and we all hope he dies.

Dennis: [after Dee leaves] Well, yeah, this has got to be a little awkward for you now, Bill, right? 'Cause you're here, and we're sort of having a... probably gonna have a little sit-down breakfast, and now you're a bit of a third wheel, kind of wormed your way into our situation.
Bill: Yeah, not really. I just came to catch up, so...
Dennis: No.

Charlie: Ohhhhhhhh shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?
Dennis: I see a door marked "Private". Is that the door you're talking about?
Charlie: Nah, I was talking abou... I didn't say... did you... what did you hear?
Dennis: I heard you say there was a door marked "Pirate".
Charlie: Well, are we gonna talk about pirates all day or are we gonna see what's living in there?
Dennis: You're the one that... Jesus Christ, man. Shit.

Frank: Hey, what's the action?
Dennis: Oh, Jesus Christ! Are you gonna keep saying that? Is that like your catch phrase now?

Dennis: What did you say about the money?
Frank: I'm giving it all away.
Dee: That is a very stupid thing to do.
Dennis: You're a very stupid, stupid man.

Frank: Employee evaluation. This bar is a business, and we're gonna start acting like one.
Mac: Yeah, well, I DON'T want to start acting like a business, 'cause that sounds boring as shit.
Dennis: Yeah, and this thing's, like, ten pages long, so you know what? I'm not gonna read it.
Frank: Well, then, that's gonna affect your rank!
Dennis: Rank?
Frank: I put us all in a ranking system so you'd all care about your jobs.
Dennis: Are we ranked now?
Frank: Yes, you are.
Dennis: Where am I ranked?
Frank: Second, after me.
Mac: Wait, what about me?
Frank: You're third.
Mac: WHAT? Why am I third?
Frank: Too volatile.
Mac: BULLSHIT! That's BULLSHIT!

Dennis: If you don't like smoke, then don't come into the bar.
Charlie: I *work* in this bar. I work here.
Dennis: But that's because you have the freedom to choose to work here, okay? Smoking bans, they don't protect freedom, they strip it away from smokers
Frank: Look, I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.
Dee: You went to Vietnam in *1993* to open up a sweatshop!
Frank: And a lot of good men died in that sweatshop.

Dennis: This ticket represents hope. Okay? Potential. Yeah? Promise. The very foundation upon which this group rest. Yeh?

Dennis: [picking basketball teams] All righty. Uh... You, you, you, you, and you. Come over here.
[all the black kids go to Dennis]
Dennis: All right. Now, the rest of you kids can go with those two losers right there.
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell's going on over here?
Dennis: I'm picking my team.
Dee: No. No, you-you can't- you can't take all...
Dennis: I can't pick the...?
Dee: You can't pick all...
Dennis: What should I not pick?
Mac: You know exactly what you've done, sir.

Dee: You know what, I gotta be honest with you, I think these supplements are doing a great job on their own, you know what I mean? I got tons of energy, my heart rates up, things are going great...
Dennis: Absolutely. I feel great too. Look how vascular I am, look at how my veins are poppin'.
Dee: Holy shit.
Dennis: Yeah, I look good AND I feel good.
Dee: I feel good too apart from the recent bounds of explosive diarrhea.
Dennis: Oh. You've been having diarrhea?
Dee: Oh God, all over the place.
Dennis: Really? Well you know what that is, that's probably your body flushing out all the toxins.
Dee: You think so?
Dennis: I do think so yeah, yeah. I on the other hand have not taken a shit in days.
Dee: Days?
Dennis: Days.
Dee: That doesn't sound good.
Dennis: Oh, no it's good. My body's working at 100% efficiency. Yeah, my body is absorbing every single nutrient and it's not wasting a single thing.
Dee: Your body is taking it's job very seriously.
Dennis: My body's doing it's job like it's never done it before.

Dennis: [Seeing Jackie Denardo in person for the first time] Charlie, I might be in love with this woman. Not for the right reasons mind you.

Trucker: I do not tangle with lizards no more. No. Back in the day, sure, I would've indulged. Hell, I would've let you turn me into Swiss cheese.
[chuckles]
Trucker: I would've let you make me, uh... make me into a mailbox. Just open the slot and put whatever you want inside.
Dennis: Wow.
Charlie: We wouldn't do that.
Trucker: Not no more. I got a wife now. So I will not suck you and I will not be sucked on by you. Okay? That's it.
Dennis: That's a 10-4.
Charlie: Yeah, we read you loud and clear.

Dennis: I'M A FIVE STAR MAN!

Gunther: You've been institutionalized.
Dee: Me? What... I mean, one time, for a short period of time. That-that was against my will. That doesn't even really count.
Dennis: That's the only time it counts, Dee.

Dee: [Speaking about Frank] He's finally lost it. Should we toss him in a home?
Dennis: I'll get the car.

Dennis: See, the best part of Frank's story was how the four of us come together as a group to mercilessly slaughter him. You see what I'm saying? And I think that's what Christmas is really all about.

Dennis: Oh, it's a new review by Korman!
Dee: [clears throat] "I woke up in my neighbor's bed with a head wound, yesterday's paper, and an empty bottle of sleeping pills and my nightmare in that putrid shithole of a bar Paddy's Pub finally, mercifully came to an end. The owners all deserve to rot in jail, though having to spend every day with each other in that vile establishment is a decidedly greater punishment. That is why I decided not to press charges, leaving them to live in the hell on earth they've created for themselves for the rest of their pathetic and miserable lives."
Mac: Ouch.
Dennis: Yeah, really raked us over the coals there, didn't he?
Mac: Not a good review.
Dennis: It's not a good review.
Charlie: He went right for the throat.
Dennis: He sure did. Hey listen, at least he didn't mention our names.
Mac: Yeah, and no pressing charges which is great.
Charlie: Yeah, right, no charges, no names.
Dennis: No charges, no names, that's good.
Dee: ...I don't know why but I'm a little irritated that he didn't mention my name. I work here!
Charlie: You feel like he would mention our name, right?
Dennis: I'm incredibly annoyed that he didn't mention my name.
Mac: I wish I could live with this but I can't...
Charlie: It's a story about us!
Mac: I feel like we gotta go talk to him again.

Charlie: I have 248 hours of, uh...
Mac: [helping Charlie read] Interstate.
Charlie: Inter... Interstate...
Mac: Sanitation. Jesus Christ.
Charlie: Interstate sanitation. What is that?
Dennis: The guys in the orange vests who pick up trash.
Charlie: Oh, my God. And what is this about the AA?
Mac: Alcoholics Anonymous.
Charlie: For...
Mac: Six!
Dee: Oh, my God.
Mac: Months!

Dennis: There's this guy, Bruce, who contacted Dee on MySpace, and he's claiming to be our biological father.
Dee: We just wanted to ask the question and just get it out of the way, is there a chance that that could be possible?
Frank: No.
Barbara: Yes.
Frank: What?
Barbara: Well, Bruce who? Bruce Mathis?
Dee: Yeah.
Barbara: Then yes.
Dee: There's a chance this guy could be our father?
Barbara: No, yes, he *is* your father.
Frank: What the hell are you talking about?
Barbara: Do we really have to get into all of this?
Frank: Yes, we really have to get into all of this!
Dennis: [overlapping] Oh, my god, yes!
Barbara: Fine, fine, fine! Everybody settle down. It's not the end of the world. A long time ago, I met Bruce and we had this little affair, or whatever you want to call it. Long story short: he got me pregnant and I had to make a decision. Seeing as he had no money, I decided that the best thing for everyone was if I didn't tell Bruce and let your father think that the twins were his. End of story.
Dennis: [shocked] End of story?
Frank: How could you do that?
Barbara: I'm sorry. Would you rather I had them aborted?
[to Dennis and Dee]
Barbara: Children, would you like to have been aborted?

Mac: [on abortion] It's nobody's choice! It should be left up to God!
Dee: Is he jo...? Is that...? Are you... joking?
Mac: No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis? Book two, verse three: And he breatheth into the nostrils of Adam on the first day and it was good.
Dee: Right in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable.
Dennis: [to Mac] You're making an asshole out of yourself.

Dee: Oh look, plutonium smuggled into Syria. Yeah, that's gonna change my life drastically.
Dennis: That's gonna change everyone's lives! No one can go to Syria anymore for vacation!

Dennis: What the hell is this? A page from a coloring book?
Mac: It's a song Charlie wrote. It's called Nightman. Skip all the raping parts and get on the stage.

Dennis: How do we know they're North Koreans?
Frank: Because that's the bad Korea.

Mac: Frank, you are gonna get us into that country club you used to belong to and we're gonna sell the pills there.
Dennis: That'd be a good place to sell those pills.
Mac: Yes, thank you very much.
Frank: You can't make no $25,000 from that amount of pills. How long you got?
Mac: 'til Friday.
Frank: Mm-mmm. You're gonna have to turn a trick or two; go into prostitution.
Dee: You are disgusting! How could you suggest - I am absolutely not doing that!
Frank: I wasn't talking about you. Guys at those country clubs get hotter broads than you.
Dennis: I would think, yeah.
Mac: Yeah.
Frank: I was saying the male escort is really hard to come by.
Charlie: I'm picking up what you're putting down. I'll do it.
Frank: Eh, Charlie, you're not quite cut from the right cloth.
Mac: Okay. Make it me.
Frank: Mac, you're too low class. All those women are gonna thing they're gonna catch somethin' from you.
Mac: They are.
Dennis: They will.
Frank: I was thinking about Dennis.
Dennis: Right. Now, Frank, will any of these women be attractive in any way?
Frank: Probably not.

Dennis: Let's talk about your likes and dislikes. Um, how 'bout your favorite food? What would that be?
Charlie: Oh, milk steak.
Dennis: Hm, what?
Charlie: Milk steak.
Dennis: I'm not putting milk steak!
Mac: Just put steak. Just put regular steak.
Dennis: I'm gonna put steak.
Charlie: Don't put steak, put milk steak. She'll know what it is.
Dennis: No, she won't know what it is, Charlie. Nobody knows what that is. Okay, all right. What's your favorite hobby?
Charlie: Uh, magnets.
Dennis: Okay, wha- like making magnets, collecting magnets?
Mac: Playing with magnets?
Charlie: Just magnets.
Dennis: I'm gonna put snowboarding. We'll put snowboarding. All right, what are some of your likes?
Charlie: Uh, ghouls.
Mac: Son of a bitch. What are you talking about now?
Charlie: You know, funny little green ghouls.
Dennis: What, like in movies? In cartoons?
Charlie: Little green ghouls, buddy!
Mac: Don't write ghouls!
Dennis: I'm not, I'm putting travel! Jesus Christ! What are your dislikes?
Charlie: People's knees.
Dennis: Oh, come on! Dude, come on! We'll make the whole thing up, let's get outta here. We're not even gonna use you.
Mac: Bro, you've gotta be kidding. You know what? We'll just make it all up.
Charlie: Cover your knees up if you're gonna be walking around everywhere...

Charlie: You got that script I wrote? Grab that script.
Dennis: I've been meaning to speak to you about this. I can't read these words. They're not in the right order.
Charlie: It's good.
Dennis: I think you might be dyslexic bro. I'm not reading this.
Charlie: No, no, no, no!
Dennis: I think you might be dyslexic.
Charlie: Just read it once!
Dennis: Ok... you want me to read the script?
Charlie: Yes... and action!
Dennis: I'll read the words you wrote. "Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you, thank you. If you vote me, I'm hot. What? Taxes, they'll be lower... son. The Democratic vote for me is right thing to do Philadelphia, so do." This doesn't make any sense!
Charlie: Alright... then just say whatever you want.

Dee: Arrogance, vanity, all over. He's underwater, like a Range Rover.
Dennis: I'm sorry, what is this? What are you doing?
Dee: Def Poetry.
Dennis: Don't do that.
Charlie: Makeup... smearin'. No power steerin'. He be talkin', but we don't be hearin'.
Dennis: I command you to stop.
Dee: Speaks like Zeus.
Charlie: Smells like poops.
Dee: Rage all over from his head down to his shoes.
Dennis: Zeus, poops and shoes? Guys, you suck at Def Poetry.

Dennis: What's with the uh, curtains?
Charlie: I'm living in a world of darkness.
Dennis: Right. Let's get some light in here.
[pulls down curtains and sees Charlie with silver spray paint around his nose and mouth from huffing]
Dennis: Whoa, what's with the spray paint, man?
Charlie: Uhh, what's with your outfit, man?
Dennis: Why don't we put the curtains back up?
Charlie: No, no. What is going on up here?
[points to his head]
Dennis: I never know, man.
Charlie: [starts a beat with his electric piano] Daylight...
[points to windows]
Dennis: Yeah, I like that.
Charlie: Day-Dayman.
Dennis: Dayman.
Charlie: Fighter of the Nightman. Champion of the... sun. You're a master of karate...
Dennis: ...and friendship, for everyone.
Charlie: Dayman, that's it!
Dennis: Dayman, ahh-ahh-ahh!
Charlie: ...Fighter of the Nightman.
Dennis: Ahh-ahh-ahh.
Dennis: Champion of the sun. Ahh-ahh-ahh. You're a master of karate and friendship for everyone! Dayman.

Dennis: The customers have to think that you think that you don't want to be together, but you do, deep down, want to be together. The problem is, right now, I'm getting that you guys don't want to be together. I need you to want to be together.
Dee: Ugh.
Mac: [raises hand] Question.
Dennis: Yes, you're wondering how we're gonna make Dee attractive enough to where you'll want to be with her.
Mac: Yes.

Mac: Hi, I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub. I like to recommend to our first timers our signature cocktail, Caribbean Paradise. Some people say it's better than busting a nut.
Customer: Excuse me?
Mac: Busting a nut. It's like, uh, you know, blowing your load.
Dennis: Oh...
Mac: He said it was a funny joke.
Dennis: Well, no... hold on.
Mac: Yeah, it's like coming all over you. It's light, it's playful.
Dennis: Yeah, well, no, I think what my friend is trying to refer to is an orgasm, which is light and playful, but he overstepped himself and got a little bit too specific.
Mac: Sorry, we jizz in the drink and that's what makes it light.
Dennis: No, no, nobody's jizzing on anything.
Mac: Well, where do I jizz?
Dennis: You don't jizz.
Mac: How can, how can I orgasm if I don't jizz?
Dennis: No, ma'am, I think what...
Mac: Just tell me where I jizz so I can give this lady her drink.
Dennis: Ma'am, what would you like to drink? And we won't jizz on anything.
Dee: Not like Mac's ever had an orgasm.
Dennis: Holy shit, you're late.

Dennis: Dee, you and I are gonna play.
Dee: Yeah? Can I do my fart keychain?
Dennis: Absolutely goddamn not.

Mac: And you know what, Charlie? You shouldn't be making these decisions anyway, okay? You're not the decision making type. As the brains of this organization, I should've made this decision.
Dennis: Hey, whoa, whoa, I'm sorry. Since when did you become the brains?
Mac: Uh... I'm sorry. I've always been the brains.
Dennis: What? What are you talking about? I thought I was the brains. What the hell am I?
Mac: You're the looks.
Dennis: Well, yeah, of course I'm the looks, but I always thought of myself as the brains and the looks.
Mac: No, you're the looks, I'm the brains, and Charlie's the wild card.
Charlie: Whoa. That's awesome!
Mac: Yeah! Yeah, that's the classic setup. You know this, no? Look, every great crew in history has followed that basic dynamic, right? Looks, brains, wild card. Think about it. The A-team did it. Scooby Doo did it. The Ghostbusters did it.
Charlie: Oh, shit.

Dennis: Look, okay. Absolutely, we could cave the husband's skull in here. Yes, we could take the wife down to the basement, have a frenzied free-for-all with her. We could tie the little kids up in their little rooms upstairs so they wouldn't hear any of it.
Mac: Dennis, in that scenario, we'd have to kill the kids 'cause they've would've seen our faces.
Dennis: Right, we could smear the walls with their blood. Guys, there are any number of twisted scenarios that could play out here. But I think the easiest thing, really, is to just go get the deed.
Charlie: Right. Why get weird?

Ingrid: Okay, Dennis, I'm confused.
Dennis: Why's that?
Ingrid: These are just pictures of women with giant breasts.
Dennis: ...Yeah.
Ingrid: And in some of these sketches, the women aren't even wearing clothes.
Dennis: Yes.
Ingrid: Well... Why?
Dennis: Listen... Let me level with you. You're an attractive girl. I mean certainly you've got some potential, right? There's no reason to be so nervous around me. Why don't you just order a couple of my dresses and maybe if you're lucky, I'll even make one special just for you. And if you look good enough in it... hell, I might even consider having sex with you. How does that sound?
Ingrid: Terrible.
Dennis: Alright, let's just calm down. You're having a reaction. It's understandable. It's the nerd in you talking. Why don't we start over. How many of my dresses would you like to order?
Ingrid: None. Not one.
Dennis: Okay, well I'm not going to take no for an answer because I just refuse to do that because I'm a winner and winners... we don't listen to words like "no" or "don't" or "stop!" Those words are just not in our vocabulary. I know what you need. You need to see my dresses on a model. I'll tell you what, I'm going to come back tomorrow with a model.
Ingrid: Please don't do that.
Dennis: Save your breath, Ingrid. Those words have never worked on me. I'll see you tomorrow.

Dennis: I'm not gonna be a whore, Frank!
Frank: You're already a whore. Why not make some money at it?
Dennis: You're just gonna try and make me bang old ladies, then you're gonna have me move on to dudes.

Charlie: So, we got ourselves a little Mexican girl here and I'm thinking, well, what does a little Mexican girl love more than anything else in the world?
Dennis: Mmm, tacos.
Charlie: Tacos, buddy! So, why not make for her a taco bed? You know what I mean?
Dennis: Okay!
Charlie: She gets to, like, be in a taco every day. So, okay, I got yellow sheets. That's cheese. Green, guacamole. A red little pillow for salsa. And I got these cute little brown pjs so that she gets to feel like ground meat while she's sleeping.
Dennis: Ah, she's the ground meat in the middle.
Charlie: She's the ground meat in the middle!

Dennis: You know what I just realized? I don't care about anything she's saying, but what I do care about is the fact that Charlie might go postal when he finds out about this and kill all of us.
Mac: Right. Shit, we're probably the one's at real risk here, huh?

Charlie: I'll tell you what, let me pop a quick 'H' on the box.
[draws H on box]
Charlie: This way we'll all know it's full of hornets.
Dennis: Do what you gotta do.

Dennis: Wait, so you just painted your butt blue and nobody noticed the hole in your pants?
Dee: Yep, it worked, it worked.
Frank: Well, as long as it works.

Dennis: Charlie can't read.
Frank: He'll adapt.
Dennis: He'll adapt to reading?

Dennis: It's interesting, our thing, isn't it? To be in someone's mind, to have complete control. It's like the thrill of being near the executioner's switch knowing that at any moment you could throw it, but knowing you never will. But you could. Never isn't the right word because I could, and I might. And I probably will.
Therapist: Will you sit down please?

Dee: [drops a bag of Oxycontin on the pool table] Boom.
Frank: What am I supposed to do with that?
Mac: You tell us.
Charlie: Bingo told us you know how to sell those drugs.
Frank: I told you not to involve me in that! Did you mention my name?
Dennis: First thing we did.
Dee: You gonna harp on it all day?
Frank: Goddammit! The guy's gonna skin me alive.
Charlie: He is gonna skin you alive.
Dee: Yeah, he mentioned something about it.
Dennis: Will you just pay the mob off so we don't have to sell these pills?
Frank: Dennis, I am not using any more of my money!
Dennis: The mob is gonna kill us, man!
Frank: Look, if I cave on this, I'm gonna be bailing you guys out for the rest of my life. I'm putting my foot down on this one. You bitches gotta earn your own money!

Charlie: That would have been a lot better if I was wearing the duster, dude.
Dennis: Come on, dude, it doesn't fit you. It's too big for you.
Charlie: That's why it's so awesome on me! It's like, "Why's that guy in giant jacket? What is he hiding?"

Frank: What the hell is that?
Dennis: You know what it is, bitch.

Dennis: If you guys love Christmas so much, why do you always wait until the last possible minute to put up the Christmas decorations? It is the day before Christmas.
Mac: That's our tradition.
Charlie: Yeah, that's what we do. We drink a lot of eggnog. We pass out. And then we don't put anything up, so we do it at the last minute.
Mac: Yeah, then we wake up at Christmas and celebrate by throwing rocks at moving freight trains.
Dee: Why would grown men throw rocks at trains?
Mac: Why wouldn't we throw rocks at trains? It's beats throwing rocks at passing cars, or at people.
Charlie: It's awesome. That's what you do on Christmas morning. We've been doing it since we were kids. Look, whatever. I'm sorry that we love Christmas and we have awesome Christmas traditions and you guys hate Christmas.
Mac: They hate Christmas because I always got the best gifts, and Frank always gave them shitty presents.
Dee: You think we don't like Christmas because Frank gave us shitty presents?
Dennis: Is that really what you think? No, Frank didn't buy shitty presents. Frank bought the most awesome presents in the world. As a matter of fact, he would find out whatever Christmas presents we wanted that year... and he would buy them for himself instead of buying them for us.
Charlie: Really? That must have been why he wanted me to walkie you guys when you got to the bar. 'Cause he was trying to do something about making your Christmas better. Or worse.

Sweet: Well, we'll just go back to work for a little while.
Dennis: Just for a little while until we have enough money to buy some more crack.
Sweet: And then we'll go on welfare and I'll go be a star.
Dennis: And then I can be a veterinarian of some kind...
Sweet: Maybe we should think about rehab.
Dennis: We should hit rehab as soon as possible.
Sweet: Soon, in a couple days. Not now.
Dennis: Yeah...

Dennis: [pretending he and Mac are a gay couple] I'm the breadwinner in the relationship.
Mac: And I'm the trophy husband. He's my bottom.
Dennis: Oh! Well, I'm the power bottom. Technically, I generate most of the power.
Mac: Only because I'm giving out so much power from the top.

Frank: You don't look like a gay guy.
Dennis: That's because he's a bear.
Mac: What?
Dennis: He's a bear. You see, some gay guys are twinks and other are bears. This gay guy's a bear. By the way, we are totally cool with that. To each his own.
Frank: Wait, I'm a little confused here. What's a twink?
Dennis: A twink is small and slender, like Mac.
Mac: Oh, no, I'm too muscular. I would be a bear.
Dennis: Uh, don't think so, bro. Not hairy enough.
Frank: Smooth. Now, I would be a bear.
Dennis: No, no. See, I don't think you'd be a bear either. As a matter of fact, I don't know what you'd be. You're definitely not a twink.
Frank: I'd be a top, that's for sure.
Mac: Can a twink be a top or is that reserved for bears?
Dennis: I'm sure there's a great deal of switching back and forth but I think more often then not bears are tops, unless they happen to be power bottoms.
Frank: What's a power bottom?
Mac: A power bottom is a bottom that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power.
Dennis: Actually Mac, you've got it backwards. You see, the power bottom is actually generating the power by doing most of the work.
Frank: Does power have to do with size or strength of the bottom?
Mac: Now Dennis, I heard speed has something to do with it.
Dennis: Speed has *everything* to do with it. You see, the speed of the bottom informs the top how much pressure he's supposed to apply. Speed's the name of the game.

Mac: You can have more than one best friend, right?
Dennis: Absolutely! Absolutely.
Charlie: Yeeeah, the three best friends!
Dennis: Yeah, the Three Amigos!
Charlie: Uh, the three, um...
Dennis: Musketeers!
Mac: Blind mice!
Charlie: The three...
Mac: Stooges.
Dennis: I don't wanna be associated with those...
Charlie: I wanna, I wanna get one! Uh...
Mac: There's another one out there.
[Charlie struggles]
Mac: Move past it!
Charlie: I can't get it! All right!

Charlie: [at gunpoint] Okay, don't shoot, okay? Just take whatever you want.
Mac: Yeah, take the cash register!
Dennis: Take the girl!
Dee: What do you mean take the girl?
Dennis: Don't argue with him, just go!
Charlie: He's right. You better just go with them!
Dee: But they're not trying to take me anywhere!
Mac: Don't try to be a hero, Dee, just do what they say!
Dee: They're not saying anything!
Charlie: Well, what's the sense? If you keep arguing with them then we're all gonna die!

Dennis: [walks in on his friends preparing for the Phillies playing in the World Series] Hey guys what's up?
Dee: How come you aren't wearing your colors?
Dennis: Colors? What are you...? Oh, my God, is today the World Series? I totally forgot... Oh, wait a minute!
[takes off shirt to reveal "Go Phillies" written on his chest]
Dennis: Sporting events are the one time it's socially acceptable to go shirtless in public and I plan to be blasting bare chest the whole time.
Frank: You're gonna feel cold as shit up in those stands!
Dennis: I'm not going to be feeling anything because I plan to be blasted on grain alcohol!

Dee: Did you have sex with her?
Charlie: Yeah.
Dee: Well, did you use birth control?
Dennis: Whoa, Dee, we're from a Catholic school.
Dee: So, premarital sex is all right, but you're not allowed to use birth control?
Charlie: Okay, now you're just twisting words around and getting cute.

Waitress: No, I'm not going to ask you inside, Dennis.
Dennis: Why not?
Waitress: Because... I really... like you.
Dennis: Well, yeah, I mean... I really like you, too...
Waitress: Then let's just take it slow, okay?
Dennis: Wait, wait... Uh... I... love... you...
Waitress: ...Ha! I... I kinda don't know what to say!
Dennis: I kinda don't want you to say anything.
[the Waitress leans in for a kiss. Dennis' phone rings]
Dennis: Hold that thought.
[turns away, takes call]
Dennis: Yo.
Charlie: I'm ready to talk.
Dennis: Cuttin' it pretty close there, pal. I almost sealed the deal.
Charlie: Just meet me at Paddy's and we'll work it all out.
[hangs up, Dennis turns back to the Waitress]
Waitress: Heh, sorry about that. I feel like maybe I was being a little judgmental.
Dennis: You're good! Haha.
Waitress: Haha, okay. Well let's go.
Dennis: No. Uh, you were right, I sh... I'm gonna go. Yeah. I'm gonna go now, we should take it slow - you were right.
Waitress: Really? Because I... don't... need to now...
Dennis: [starts walking away] I think it's good, I think it's real good.
Waitress: Call me!
Dennis: Ahahahaha!

Dennis: Oh... hello.
[puts arm up blocking her way, thunder rumbles]
Dennis: Wow. I'm sorry. Didn't mean to scare you there... Anyway, I, um, I should've introduced myself earlier. I'm the daiquiri man, but I suspect you already knew that, didn't you?
[chuckles softly]
Dennis: Was it good? Was it sweet?
Christina: I guess.
Dennis: Well, it either was or it wasn't.
Christina: Yeah.
Dennis: Yeah. Of course, yeah. No, I had one too. It-it was sweet. You seem sweet. I've been watching you, and following you, of sorts. You know, in a good way... So, how'd you like that magic show? Do you enjoy magic? You know, I-I can do magic.
[pulls out her license]
Dennis: Whoop.
Christina: Uh- how did you get that?
Dennis: Get your license? Don't worry about it. 1996, though. That's good. That makes the cutoff. There you go. I wasn't gonna steal it.
[clears throat]
Dennis: Um, so how 'bout this storm, huh? I think it's kinda cool, you know? Here we are on a boat, you know, out in the middle of... out in the middle of nowhere. And nobody would ever hear our screams in this wind, you know?
[thunder crackles]
Dennis: Oh. The thunder's really... It's throwing this whole thing off. It's making everything I say seem sinister, which it's not intended to be, you know what I mean? What's up?
Christina: I-I'm sorry. I have to go.
Dennis: No! No, no, no, no, no. Sorry, no. It's... there's nowhere to go.
[chuckles]
Dennis: There's really nowhere to go. You know? So... why don't I, uh, come in your room?
[chuckles]
Dennis: "Come in your room." That's not what I meant. I would like to go in your room. Um, and I suspect that maybe... you might say no, and yet... I also feel like maybe... you wouldn't dare.
[Christina screams and runs off]
Dennis: Well, that's not supposed to happen.

Dee: Dennis, maybe you need to rethink this whole plan of yours. I don't think getting Charlie laid is going to help his cancer problem.
Dennis: Whatever.
Mac: Dennis, I think I found the perfect girl for Charlie! Smart, beautiful, the whole thing.
Dennis: Where?
Mac: Right there.
Dennis: Over there by the pool table?
Mac: Yeah. Nice.
Dennis: That's great, Mac.
Dee: Good work, Mac.
Dennis: That's a dude.

Dennis: [after putting a beer bottle under the back of the moving truck door] Now, the weight of the door will keep the beer bottle in place.
Frank: Good.
Dennis: Nice, huh?
Frank: Move over a little bit, let me sit on the cooler.
Frank: [the truck hits a bump, causing the beer bottle to come off] Goddammit!

Mac: Now, this is smart. The first step to becoming an American, get a credit card.
Dennis: Oh yeah, man, we need this guy to build up copious amounts of debt. That's the best way for him to build up his credit. We're doing him a favor here.
Charlie: We're doing him a huge favor! And do you realize how extreme this is to go from no debt to good ol' fashioned American debt? That's the way to do it. Plus, I've been envisioning someone else paying for this thing the entire time.
Dennis: I'm also envisioning him unloading all the shit into the car.

Dennis: You know what? Just... Get me the flamethrower. I'm so sick of this wall. I want to burn it up now!
Charlie: Okay, it's time. Okay, there's also a fire extinguisher too.
Dennis: Great.
Charlie: I think we should use this, man.
Dennis: I think we should too. So here's how this is gonna go down: I will light a fire on the wall. Charlie, have that extinguisher ready 'cause I don't want the fire to spread past the parameters of this wall.
Charlie: I will create a parameter with the fire extinguisher.
Dennis: The only safe way to do this, okay?
Charlie: It'll be perfectly safe.
Dennis: Then once the wall's all weakened from the burned-up fires, then we're gonna kick it to pieces, smash it to bits, and take the rubble outside and burn that too.
Charlie: Burn that too, and then I'll put it out with this. All right, perfect. And then I'll get started on my taco bed.

Dee: [performing on stage] So I finally broke down and I took a shower the other day. The stink flipped around and now my soap smells like dirty vag.
[audience laughter]
Mac: She said "vagina." A woman said "vagina."
Frank: That's what makes it funny!
Dennis: Tasteless.
Dee: [robot voice] Vagina, vagina. Vagina, vagina.
[makes fart noises]
Dennis: And the sound effects out of absolutely nowhere, no setup.

['70s music ringtone plays]
Frank: Hello?
Dennis: Frank, you gotta get me outta here, man!
Frank: Where are you?
Dennis: I'm in rehab, goddammit!
Frank: Well, I'm in a movie and this broad is about to get naked, so I gotta go.

Dennis: [on phone] Hello. Who is this? Who?... Who is...? I don't know that name. Who? Who? Oh, oh, Waitress. Why didn't you just say that?

Dennis: Everyone gather 'round. I have an announcement to make.
Frank: Dennis has an announcement?
[to Mac]
Frank: Go, now's your chance. Rant and rave.
Mac: [shouting] Gather 'round, everybody! Gather 'round, please!
Dee: We're all standing here.
Frank: Is this everybody?
Mac: Is this everybody?
Dee: You know it's everybody. What are you doing?
Mac: Dennis has an announcement.
Dee: Yeah, I-I-I heard that. I'm wondering what it is.
Mac: It's an announcement!
Charlie: What's up, Dennis?
Dennis: I have an announcement.
Dee: OH, MY GOD! WHAT IS IT?

College: [dissecting poop] Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper.
Dennis: Alright, well now we're gettin' somewhere. Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper?
Charlie: It's gonna go both ways dude, sorry.
Dennis: Really?
Charlie: Yeah, what else? What else?
College: This appears to be a piece of a credit card.
Frank: Inconclusive.
Dennis: How is that not specific to one of you?
Charlie: I wish it was man, but that's inconclusive.
College: Oh boy, there's a good deal of blood in this stool. Whoever's it is should see a doctor.
Charlie: Well, don't give us judgements, just tell us what's in there. What's in there, what else?
College: Is this wolf hair?
Frank: Also inconclusive.
Dennis: Jesus Christ!

Charlie: [Rickety Cricket, with a set of high-tech new leg braces, just challenged Mac to a danceoff] You know he's not gonna go down easy.
Dennis: Oh no way, dude. He's fueled by vengeance and reinforced with space-age technology.

Sal: [after being paid] Okay. Well, that was close.
Dennis: Yeah, it seemed close.
Mac: It got a little stressful there.
Johnny: A little tense.
Mac: "Tense" is an excellent word for what happened.

College: [dissecting poop] Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper.
Dennis: All right, well, now we're gettin' somewhere. Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper?
Charlie: It's gonna go both ways, dude. Sorry.
Dennis: Really?
Charlie: Yeah. What else? What else?
College: This appears to be a piece of a credit card.
Frank: Inconclusive.
Dennis: How is that not specific to one of you?
Charlie: I wish it was, man, but that's inconclusive.
College: Oh, boy, there's a good deal of blood in this stool. Whoever's it is should see a doctor.
Charlie: Well, don't give us judgements; just tell us what's in there. What's in there, what else?
College: Is this wolf hair?
Frank: Also inconclusive.
Dennis: Jesus Christ!

Dennis: [trying to persuade a bank clerk to give them a loan] You know, I just had a crazy thought. How's about I take you to the back and "change your mind"?
Charlie: Or how about we all go in the back and have great sex?
Dennis: What are you doing?
Charlie: Hm? I'm playing the wild card here, man, so...
Mac: No, dude. Just let Dennis do his thing, okay?
Charlie: I can be very sensual with a woman, all right? You will enjoy it.
Dennis: Now is not the right time to pull the wild card, okay? Let me do my thing. Let me do the seducing.
Mac: Look, let Dennis bang her so we can get our loan.
Charlie: Well, here's a scenario. What if she wanted to bang me, or you for that matter...
Dennis: You can't pull the wild card when I already have my shirt off. That should be a rule. Can that be a rule?
Mac: Yes, that's a rule.
Charlie: Well, your shirt's not off.
Dennis: [takes off shirt] Well, now it is, goddammit, bitch. Back off.
Charlie: Oh, yeah?
[takes off shirt]
Charlie: Oh, wow, now, baby!
Dennis: Come on, man! This is my job!
Mac: [takes off shirt] Now I feel like I should do it.
Dennis: What are you doing? Goddammit. Well, okay, so...
Mac: Why don't you decide? Which one of us do you want to take you in the back and bang you?

Dennis: Guys, we're forsaking the group dynamic, okay? And truthfully, Charlie, come on. I mean, nobody wants a wild card, okay? It doesn't make any sense. We don't want a maniac in our group. There's no benefit to it.
Charlie: Mm-hmm.
Dennis: Uh, I feel like you just agreed with me but you weren't listening to what I was saying.
Charlie: Yes...
[points to Mac and Dennis]
Mac: You pointed at me like I said something but I didn't.
Charlie: Oh, good.
Mac: Charlie, having someone making wild decisions that make no sense, that benefits nobody.
Charlie: Oh, yes. Right, yes.
Dennis: Is he listen...?
Mac: He's listening. He's not understanding.
Charlie: Yeah, he doesn't even, like, get us, man. It's...
Dennis: We're talking about you!

Dennis: All right, listen, this is Family Fight. This is a nationally televised program. This is a very big deal for us, okay? We're talking... What are you doing? Are you stealing an ashtray right now?
Mac: Yeah.
Dennis: Why? We have ashtrays, and you don't even smoke.

Dennis: Dee? I swear you would be of more use to me if I skinned you and turned your skin into a lampshade. Or fashioned you into a piece of high-end luggage. I can even add you to my collection.
Dee: Are you saying that you have a collection of skin luggage?
Dennis: Of course I'm not, Dee. Don't be ridiculous. Think of the smell. You haven't thought of the smell, you bitch! Now you say another word and I swear to God I will dice you into a million little pieces. And put those pieces in a box, a glass box, that I will display on my mantel.

Dennis: [holding flowers and chocolates] Hi.
Mrs. Mac: What?
Dennis: I'm looking for Mrs. Mac. Is she in? I'm a friend of her son's.
Mrs. Mac: I know you, Dennis.
Dennis: Oh... oh, my God... ah... it's been a long time. I haven't seen you in a while, you look different.
Mrs. Mac: I gained a little weight.
Dennis: Is that what it is? 'Looks good on ya.
Mrs. Mac: Yeah.
Dennis: Yeah... Mind if I sit?
[Mrs. Mac groans]
Dennis: So, watching a little TV outside, huh?
Mrs. Mac: I like the fresh air.
Dennis: Probably gets a little lonely though, every once in a while, watching TV out here by yourself. Every once in a while you probably want a man, right?
[Mrs. Mac sighs]
Dennis: Someone to fulfill your desires?
[puts hand on Mrs. Mac's thigh]
Mrs. Mac: Oh... Not interested.
Dennis: Don't fight it, Mrs. Mac. Why don't we go inside and have a little fun.
Mrs. Mac: 'Don't find you attractive.
Dennis: What?
Mrs. Mac: I think you're an ugly man.
Dennis: You think I'm ugly?
Mrs. Mac: Yeah.
Dennis: I'm not ugly, you're ugly.
Mrs. Mac: Yeah.

Frank: Dennis, listen, we should hang out more together!
Dennis: Yeah, stop trying to bond with me.

[about the dance 'contest']
Dee: Place, Paddy's Pub. Time, Saturday. Date, with Charlie Kelly. Prize... PADDY'S PUB?
Dennis: Whoa, dude, you put the bar up as a prize?
Charlie: No, I listed it in the 'Pride' section, the place where you list what you take pride in.
Dee: That's a 'Z', Charlie!
Frank: Didn't you read that goddamn thing?
Charlie: I gave it a once-over!
Mac: Oh, that's it! Your illiteracy has screwed us again!

Charlie: Okay, I just killed three very large rats that were stuck in glue traps.
Dennis: Good work.
Charlie: No. No, no, that's not good work. I am done with rat detail. That's by far the worst job in the bar.
Dennis: That's why we call it Charlie Work.

[preparing for a child's beauty pageant]
Mort: Frank. Frank. I need some water. My mouth is dry.
Frank: Your mouth is dry. Go into the toilet and run your mouth under the sink.
[Mac and Charlie raise their hands]
Dennis: Okay...
Charlie: Yeah, can I? Could I? Can I?
Dee: [raises hand] I have a...
Charlie: Who's that?
Frank: He's the mortician. I invited him.

Charlie: Seven straight hours of lecturing?
Dennis: Yeah, and five hours alone dedicated to the evils of homosexuality, from him?
Dee: Did anyone else notice that he had an erection the entire time?
Charlie: Of course.
Frank: How could you miss it?

Allison: [listening to tape of him wooing a girl] Too bad the museum is closed on Wednesdays.
Dennis: Who knew? I guess we can hang out here and get to know each other instead.
[door is heard closing with multiple door locks]
Allison: What's with all the locks?
Dennis: I want you to feel safe.

Dennis: [to Abby] I see the road you're headed down, the lying, the stealing, all of it. And as somebody who's been down that road, let me tell you something. You've got real talent.

Dee: Well, I'm going to go, at least one pro-choice voice will be heard.
Mac: One? There was, like, tons of those chicks at the last one.
Dennis: Which side had more?
Dee: Oh, which one do you think? I one that cares about protecting womens bodies or the one thats run by the religious right?
Dennis: Probably the side you're going to. I'm going to fight for the right to choose.

Dennis: How much cheese have you eaten today?
Charlie: How much cheese is too much cheese?
Dennis: Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese!
Charlie: I had a lot of cheese, I had a block of cheese.
Mac: You had a block of cheese?
Charlie: I got really, really nervous I just started eating cheese.
Mac: [annoyed and confused] Does that calm you down?

Dee: What's going on with Mac and Charlie?
Dennis: It's... I can't get them to stay focused. They keep escalating the conversation into evil curses and opening leather shops in Arizona.
Dee: A leather shop, in Arizona?
Dennis: Yeah.
Dee: They'd be out of business in a weeks time.
Dennis: That's exactly what I said.

Dennis: Hey, do you remember all the good times that we used to have in the back of your dad's Datsun behind this place? Oh, man. So much romance. Mmm. Hey, how is your dad?
Maureen: Dad died last year.
Dennis: Did he die?
Maureen: Yeah.
Dennis: Oh, that's... that's too bad. It happens, you know. He was getting up there, right? I mean, it was probably natural causes, or...
Maureen: Suicide.
Dennis: Sui- suicide?
Maureen: Car exhaust, yeah. I had to break the window of the Datsun, so...
Dennis: Oh, yeah. It was one of those. One of those, huh?
Maureen: His eyes were so yellow.
Dennis: Okay.

Frank: [Charlie and Dee are discussing where to get some human meat from Frank] That wasn't human meat! It was raccoon meat. You probably got a tapeworm, that stuff is loaded with parasites!
Charlie: [Charlie starts laughing hysterically] Raccoon meat! BULLSHIT!
Dee: Oh yes Frank, we're gonna go get some of that human meat of yours!
Charlie: [brandishing a butcher knife] I'M GONNA CHOP A PIECE OF THAT FAT LITTLE CALF MUSCLE OF YOURS AND I'M GONNA EAT IT! GET HIM!
[Charlie and Dee chase after Frank]
Mac: And the hunt is on once again.
Dennis: Oh those two are gonna have so much fun.
[Dennis goes and locks the door]
Mac: Yes indeed. But the question still remains with what to do with Mr. Cricket.
Dennis: Yup Mac, it's just us now. Just you and me, and a couple of pairs of sour, sweaty balls.

Tabitha: You know, I do offer group therapy.
Charlie: Yeah...
Dennis: What are you doing?
Dee: What is this you're doing?
Dennis: What is that? What is that?
Tabitha: With all due respect, you're talking about bringing guns to an intervention, and you're drinking wine out of a soda can.
Dee: [smiling] Yeah.
Dennis: Oh, you put wine in the soda can? That's good.
Dee: You didn't know, did you? Soda.
Charlie: You stole Frank's idea.
Dee: Yeah, yeah, actually it's a pretty good one.
Charlie: It's a good idea. I mean, the guy's got great ideas.
Dee: He's a smart man. That's not what we're here about.
Charlie: But I do feel like she just tried an intervention on us.
Dennis: Did you intervene on us? Is that what that was? You know what I'm feeling? I'm feeling like you've lost control of the room here and, really, we're the ones that are running things now.
Dee: I've lost my trust in you. I feel like we can do this on our own.
Dennis: I think we can do the intervention on our own without her.
Charlie: You guys think?
Dee: Why not?
Charlie: All right, might as well give it a shot.
Dennis: Let's just do that.
Dee: Thank you.
Charlie: Thanks for your help. You did your best. Uh, no hard feelings. I'm gonna grab some of this literature too.
Dennis: She didn't do that great of a job.
Charlie: No, I mean, don't beat her while she's down, man.

Mac: This office sucks.
Dee: It smells bad and it's stuffy in here.
Dennis: Yeah, it's the Restaurant and Bar Association; it's a stuffy organization. They're not in touch with the young people like us.
Dee: Some old boner gives me attitude, I'm gonna spit in his face.
Dennis: If he starts giving me shit, I'll spit at him.
Mac: We should all spit.
Frank: Look, we're not spitting, all right?

Mac: Look, everybody! Sweet Dee's here!
Dee: Hey, everybody!
Charlie: Whoa, whoa! What are you doing here?
Janell: Charlie?
Dennis: Whoa, whoa, what is going on here? You guys know each other?
Charlie: Yeah, that's the crazy bitch that punched me in my eye!
Terrell: Charlie! That's my sister!
Mac: Now, just to clarify, when you say sister, you mean...
Terrell: I mean my sister.
Mac: Yeah! Okay! This is great because earlier, you were implying that I was racist because you thought that I was implying that all black people are related, and then it turns out that you people actually are!

Sal: Explain to me why my wife is calling me telling me that one of Pussy Hands' friends tried to force himself on her.
Mac,7309: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Anthony: This guy?
Mac: Oh! Oh! That's crazy!
Anthony: Enough with the "oh"s!

Frank: Paddy's Pub Stress Ball! You give this to people, they put it on their desk, and during they day, you squeeze it when you have any tension!
Dennis: Right.
[he squeezes it and it breaks]
Dennis: Oh goddammit, Frank! That's just an egg!
Frank: It's a jumping off point.

[as Mac and Dennis fight, the doorbell rings]
Dennis: Well, it must be nosy Wally, coming to see what all the fighting's about. Well, why don't we show him what all the fighting's about?
[He picks up a poker and wields it threateningly]
Dennis: Why don't we show him right now!
Mac: Wait, Dennis! Dennis, calm down!
Dennis: Don't you tell me to calm down!
[the smoke detector chirps]
Mac: There's that chirping again! How are you not hearing that?
Dennis: News flash, asshole! I've been hearing it the entire goddamn time!
Mac: Then why wouldn't you say something?
Dennis: Because i hate you!

Dennis: This is a promise ring. So from now on, Waitress, I promise to be nice and true.
Waitress: I have a name.

Dennis: What the hell, bro, is this supposed to be dirt? It smells like shit!
Frank: It *is* shit!

Dennis: What the hell is she doing here?
Waitress: What the hell is she doing here? Really? Really. I'll tell you what I'm doing here. You wanna know what I'm doing here, shit-for-brains? I had sex with your dad! That's right! I had sex with your father, because just like you, I like my sex old and ugly! And with fake hair on their heads that falls off when you're having sex with them! It just falls off, because that's what you do, Dennis Reynolds - you like to have sex with old people! And you said that you loved me! You said "I love you", and so I thought "Okay, well, I love you too"! How do you show love? You go and have sex with old people, SO THAT'S WHAT I DID TOO!

Andrew: I think closing at 31's a pretty fair deal, don't you?
Dennis: 31? Well, you know, guys, these things tend to be a little complicated.
Dee: [in a Canadian accent] Oh, I think ya can do better.
Bill: Oh, you looked over the proposal?
Dennis: She glanced at it. We're not... Tell us more about it.
Dee: Ya, I sure did, and I tell you what, I seen better-looking moose turds in Rick Moranis' backyard, ya hosers. Mm?
Dennis: She's got a sense of humor that would just... You know, it gets frustrating.

Handsome: You have the most beautiful eyes.
Dennis: Okay, man, but I don't... really?
Handsome: So blue.
Dennis: Well, actually more of a blue-green.

Dennis: Mac, these gentlemen are courting me for my business savvy. How's it gonna reflect on me if I promote my bodyguard to VP after a two-minute conversation at a ball game?
Mac: It's not gonna reflect on you at all because you're not Brian LeFeve.
Dennis: ...I'm not what?
Mac: Dude, clearly you were floundering.
Dennis: Mac, I was gathering information so that I can more fully become this man. Look, look, this is about much more than just business. This is about the thrill of wearing another man's skin. Feeling his innermost wants and desires and being in control of his every single move. That's how you get off. Now don't you guys want to get off with me?

Dennis: I can't... I'm sorry. I just... I don't get how it's dominant if they finished on each other.

Dennis: I want to scratch everybody's eyes OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS!

Dennis: Holy shit. No, that guy's retarded.
Dee: Well, you're retarded.
Dennis: No, Dee, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying he is an actual retarded person. Yeah, we went to elementary school together. He used to take classes in a trailer outside school. He rode the short bus.
Dee: Whatever. You think I wouldn't know if the guy I'm dating is retarded?
[the gang gives her a look]
Dee: There is no way I am dating a retarded person.

Dennis: Tire her out with your spastic movements.
Mac: I'll tire her out with my awesome movements.

Dennis: [Speaking to Dee] Lucky for you I have experience covering up blunt force trauma.

Dennis: You have a system where you come in after Mac?
Frank: That's right. I come in after Mac, but he's taking like forever this time. I got my magnum condoms. I got my wad of hundreds. I'm ready to plow.

Mac: I'm gay. So that still means that I'm a minority.
Dennis: Yeah, but are you more gay than you are a Catholic?
Mac: I don't know. They're at war.

Waitress: Dennis Reynolds, I trusted you!
Dennis: Why?

Frank: You look like a drag queen.
Dennis: I look like a rock god.

Mac: [watching an underground fight] Well, this is awesome.
Dennis: Yeah, this is amazing. There's blood everywhere. It's beautiful!
Mac: Yeah, and we were totally right. These guys don't have any technique. They just get all cranked up like a bunch of animals and beat the christ out of each other.
Dennis: Look at all this money being thrown around. Dude, we gotta get in on this.
Mac: Oh yeah. You know really, I think it's about who can take the biggest beating.
Dennis: Yeah.
Mac: You know who can take a really good beating?
Dennis: Charlie.
Mac: Charlie.

Trevor: I didn't know I was being filmed!
Dennis: If you're in my room, you're always being filmed.

Dennis: As I tried to explain before, you cannot get honey from a hornet's nest.
Charlie: I just don't think there's any science to support that, buddy.
Dennis: There's some very basic science out there supporting that.

Mac: Where's the boy?
Dennis: The boy is gone.
Mac: You can't tell me what to do.
Dennis: N- I didn't tell you what to- You're skipping a line, dude.
Mac: Yeah, uh... You can't tell me what to do.
Dennis: You're still skipping the same line.
Mac: Just move past it 'cause I can't remember...
Dennis: God, it's crazy how much better I am at acting than you.

Dennis: [at Mac and Charlie's funeral] Uh, what to say about Mac... Um... He certainly was... angry...
Frank: Burn the duster!
Dennis: I'm not burning the duster! Okay? I'm not burning the duster, alright? That's crazy. That's insane. Why would I ever burn... I mean, I will continue to wear it in his honor and I will burn some other things, you know, maybe like these stupid goddamn sleeveless t-shirts that he once retired and hung up in the bar, I'll burn these. But I'm not burning the duster, okay, so forget it. It probably won't even burn anyway, it's not supposed to. It's flame retardant, that's the whole point. It's like a shield of armor. So stop asking me to burn the duster. I'm not gonna burn it!

Mac: You're such a dildo, dude.
Dennis: Thanks dude, thanks. That's a good way to start the day.

Mac: [lifts Dennis' legs] Gimme that leg, boy.
Dennis: No...
[Frank throws blanket on top of them]
Dennis: Dude, do you have a boner right now?
Mac: Shut up, dude. Don't ruin this for me.

Mac: If the McPoyles got blown, and Charlie got blown, then why didn't I get blown?
Dennis: You're going to hell, dude.
Dee: Seriously.

Dennis: You don't snoop and sneak and appear from behind cars!
Frank: I'm sorry, I had something important to tell you guys.
Dennis: We just ran over our friend with a car, what could be more important than that?
Frank: Try this on for size... You're mother's dead.
Dee: ...What?... Oh, no...
Frank: ...No, she's not dead. We're getting divorced though.

Frank: I know what the billboard is gonna look like already: two gorgeous girls up there, giant cans, me in the middle with my thumbs up.
Dennis: Well, that's just simply not gonna happen.
Mac: Actually, maybe Frank has a point, dude. Maybe we should put a dude up there. Certainly not him, but if we put some hot beefcake up there maybe it'll attract more chicks.
Dennis: Yeah, that's a good point. Okay, I like that. You know what, let's slap my picture up there. It's about time I got my modeling career off the ground anyway.
Frank: [laughing] Don't flatter yourself. You're not gonna be up there, because I am gonna be the face of Paddy's bar!
Dennis: That's ridiculous, Frank. You're, um... ugly.
Frank: What?
Dennis: Ugly!
Frank: I'm ugly? With that anteater nose you're telling me I'm ugly?
Dennis: My nose was chiseled by the gods themselves, Frank. My body was sculpted to the proportions of Michelangelo's David. You on the other hand, well... you're a pit of despair. Frank, you disgust me. You disgust everyone. And you will never, *ever* be on that billboard.

Wayne: What's up guys?
Mac: I have polio.
Wayne: Oh. Ok...
Dennis: I have polio too.
Wayne: Alright...
[Mac and Dennis roll away]

Dennis: Oh my God, we are so screwed. How are we going to get $25,000 by Friday?
Frank: Don't look at me. You made this bed; you're sleeping in it. This is a life lesson for you.
Dennis: Frank, this is not the time to be throwing down life lessons, alright? We are going to get whacked off by a bunch of scary Italian guys.
Charlie: Did they say they were going to whack us off?
Dennis: They implied they wanted to whack us all off!
Dee: Nobody's gonna get whacked off today, okay? Listen: we're gonna take the money, we'll go get our drugs back from Bingo, we'll give it to the mob, and we'll pretend none of this ever happened.

Mac: I'm wearing a mesh shirt, and it's totally sweet. You guys probably want me to burn it, but I won't, all right? Now, I like this choice. I like the choices I've made. I like who I am, all right? But I realize I've been lying to myself over the past few years, and I'm done lying, okay? And I've found someone who's gonna allow me to be me.
Dennis: Okay, good.
Charlie: Oh, good, all right, yeah.
Dee: Great. Finally. Yes.
Dennis: Let's do this.
Charlie: That all makes sense. Let's get this over with.

Dennis: [alarm goes off, notices someone in bed with him] Hello.
[lifts up blanket to see body]
Dennis: Nice. Beautiful.
[rolls over onto person]
Boy: [waking up] Hello, lover.
Dennis: Whoa! What the hell's going on?
Boy: You've got nothing to be ashamed of.
Dennis: We didn't have sex, did we?
Boy: No, don't be silly. It was all hands.
Large: [emerges from bathroom] How's that ass feel?
[smacks Dennis' ass]

Charlie: [refering to a George Washington painting] Now why would you hang a painting like this on your wall?
Mac: Well, it's the Historical Society bro, they have to hang it up.
Charlie: What, we gotta suffer just 'cause some old dude who looks like Meryl Streep chopped down a cherry tree like ten million years ago? It's just, he looks terrible!
Mac: You know what? Let's take it down. It's just gonna distract us through the meeting.
Charlie: Yeah, let's get it down man. It's not gonna, it's not gonna work.
Dennis: Let's take it down. I'm gonna tear it down.
[pulls painting]
Dennis: Unbelievable. It's bolted to the wall.
Charlie: Well that proves our point man, we're not the first people to try to take that thing down.
Dennis: Yeah, well we're gonna be the first ones to actually succeed. Come on, let's tear it down, Charlie.
Charlie: Let's just rip it off the wall.
Dennis: Rip it right off the wall...
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, guys, guys. I got a pocket knife. Just cut it out of the frame.

Da': I love you guys, man. You know, you remind me of my kids.
Dennis: Oh, you got kids, Maniac?
Da': [long pause] Nah. Not anymore.
[walks away distraught]
Dennis: What does that mean?
Charlie: We got a problem. What is he- what is he talking about with his kids?
Dennis: Did he kill his kids?

Dennis: You're gonna wanna nurture that dependence that she's feeling on you now, guys. Have her car towed, or you could slash her tires. Either way, make her depend on you for rides. Or you can use my personal go-to, which is to create a fictional angry neighbor who's threatening her and tell her you'll take care of 'em. Hit up a payphone so that she can't trace the calls back to you, give her a call and say something along the lines of, "I'm watching you, you bitch. You're gonna die tonight!"
Dee: Oh for Christ's sake, you're a complete sociopath!
Dennis: Don't interrupt.

Dennis: [pops off shirt] What do you think about this?
Ruby: About what?
Dennis: What I'm presenting you.
Ruby: I think you look really pale. Do you need some sunscreen?
Dennis: It's the first in the season. I haven't had a chance to get a base going, you know...?
Frank: Dennis? Dennis?
Dennis: What do you think of the pecs? What do you think of...?
Frank: Dennis!
Dennis: [goes to Frank] What?
Frank: I thought you said you weren't gonna hit on her.
Dennis: Am I hitting on her?

[after their "Birds of War" performance]
Dennis: They are not responding to the pageantry at all.
Mac: The second verse is completely ridiculous.
Dennis: The second verse is necessary to clarify what we are!
Charlie: We're mic'd. We're mic'd, our microphones are on.

Charlie: [to the priest] What the shit man?
Charlie's: [whispers] Charlie!
Charlie: My mother is dying of cancer and you need money to fix a statue?
[Priest places hand on Charlie's mother to comfort her]
Charlie: No, no, no, no. Don't give me this act.
Mac: Charlie, calm down.
Charlie: No, no. Why don't you give us some money? How much is that ring worth? That looks like an expensive ring. Can we have the ring?
Mac: Okay. All right. I'm sorry, Father.
Charlie: This is bullshit!
Mac: I will pray for his sins. I'm sorry.
Dennis: Hey Charlie, Charlie.
Mac: [to Charlie] What are you doing.
Dennis: It's okay. I got this. I got this.
Charlie: What am I doing? What is HE doing?
Dennis: Listen. Don't get all riled up about this scam or that scam, you know. It's all a big scam, okay?
Charlie: Yeah.
Dennis: But I will say this - the church's scam? It's a pretty good one. It's effective. Look at all the money these people are giving to the church. So I say we use that model to raise money for your mom at Paddy's. Guys. Let's throw a beef and beer.

Dennis: Hello, fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me, I am hot. What? Taxes. They'll be lower, son. The democratic vote for me is the right thing to do, Philadelphia. So do.

Dennis: I don't get it, Dee, there are tons of women in this city. Where do they go?
Dee: They're at velvet rope clubs on Delaware Avenue.
Dennis: Why?
Dee: Dennis, our bar is south Philly in a scary alley... might as well call it "Rape Bar."

Dee: Why don't we up the supplements which we know work and eliminate working out which we know blows.
Dennis: That sounds like a pretty good plan. You know what? I'm gonna take it one step further and propose that we start working on a muscle that we've been neglecting this entire time. And it's the most important muscle in the entire body.
[takes out fitness instructor's CD and inserts his own into the CD player]
Dee: Which muscle?
Dennis: The face.
[Steve Winwood's "Higher Love" begins playing]
Dennis: That's a gift for you, Bumble Bee. Come on.
Dee: Enjoy it, Coach Dick 'n' Balls.

Charlie: Dennis, can I give you some advice?
Dennis: Absolutely not.

Dennis: All right, buddy, now explain to me how exactly we are going to calculate the totals.
Charlie: Oh, it's easy, dude. You pour gas into the car using one of these funnels, right? And I count how much gas is going into the car.
Dennis: All right, let me- let me just stop you right there. How exactly are you planning on counting a liquid?
Charlie: Uhh, I know how to count, dude. I'm not...
Dennis: [to Mac] Okay, you do it. You do it, Mac, because I can't speak to him. I don't understand him.

Mac: I'm starting to see myself as more of a problem solver, I think that actually could be a new identity. I'm gonna put that on the list, you guys are gonna wanna hear this... So, uh, Dutch first. Dutch first, then gay, then problem solver. Now, could you repeat that back to me, 'cause I think...
Charlie: Oh dude, shut up! Oh my God! Alright, you're Irish, Mac.
Frank: Yeah. You're not Dutch.
Mac: What?
Charlie: You're Irish, right? But we knew you were gonna be so goddamn annoying about it on the trip, and that it was gonna be the only thing you talked about, so we paid your mom to tell you you were Dutch!
Frank: It cost us a couple of loosies.
Charlie: Yeah.
Dennis: Yeah, your mom does not like you, dude.
Charlie: Yeah, but I mean, Luther Vandross, Mac? Really? Luther Vandross?
Dennis: Come on, Mac.
Charlie: But somehow, it's been even worse! You're talking about your identity even more! I can't believe it!
Mac: Why would you do that?

Dennis: [getting Mac to switch seats] You're gonna switch places with Becky, right, because while I don't particularly find you conventionally attractive, I do find you oddly sexy.
Becky: Huh, excuse me?
Dennis: That was a compliment.

Charlie: Hey wait, are you planning to douse my fiancée with water, exposing her breasts for everyone to see?
Dennis: Yeah man, is that cool?
Charlie: That's VERY cool.

Mac: You guys have nothing outside this bar.
Dennis: Don't worry Mac, we'll be just fine.
[cut to title "Dennis and Dee Go on Welfare"]

Dennis: I want to talk about faith. It's not about whether something is true, or-or-or based in fact or reality or the laws of physics or nature or even basic common sense. It's about whether or not we're dumb enough to believe in it that matters. Oh, folks, who the hell am I to say that there is no God? Who am I? Or to say that anybody's belief in the church doesn't make their life better? Maybe it does. Or that this man, Dr. Jinx - who am I to say that he can't cure diseases with his sorcery? I don't know. I say maybe he can. And I believe that maybe he can.
[chuckles]
Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen, if we believe... if we just believe... then we can do anything!
[audience cheers]
Dennis: Oh, yeah, ladies and gentlemen. I feel it now! Do you feel it? Do you feel the spirit? Do you feel the invisible things around you that don't really exist? Oh, it doesn't matter!
[Dr. Jinx gets up and starts dancing]

Dennis: Name a Philadelphia celebrity you would like to have a drink with.
Dee: Bill Cosby.
Frank: The cards are a little outdated.

Female: All right. And what is the reason you're requesting a loan today?
Mac: Wait for it. Gasoline.
Female: Excuse me?
Mac: Don't rush me.
Dennis: Don't rush him.
Mac: Thank you, I feel rushed. Look, here's the plan. You give us a shitload of money, we buy a shitload of gasoline. We wait 12 months, we sell the gasoline, and make a shitload of profit.
Female: Gentlemen, we tend to give loans to businesses, not, um...
Mac: She's not getting it. Get the graph.
Dennis: Oh yeah, the graph.
Mac: We have a graph.
Dennis: [holds up graph] Yeah, check this out. Now these are the gas prices last year, these are the gas prices this year, and this is what the gas prices will be.
Female: [indicating women drawings] And what are those?
Dennis: Uh, these are gorgeous women with heaving breasts.
Female: Why?
Dennis: Uh, well, to be perfectly honest, we sort of thought we'd be speaking to a man today, so...
Mac: Yeah. Is there any way that we could talk to your boss? Because I think he would understand more better.
Female: My boss is a woman.
Mac: Really?
Dennis: Your boss is a woman? Now this is a strange bank.
Female: Okay, well, I am definitely rejecting your request for $300,000 to buy gasoline.

Dennis: Do you have any more crack?
Dee: No one in the history of crack, has ever woken up with more crack.

Dennis: I will rate every single woman in this restaurant!

Dee: We need to talk to you about something, Dad.
Frank: Shoot.
Dennis: It's kind of disturbing.
Frank: You two aren't banging, are you?
Dee: What?
Dennis: No! What are you talking about?
Dee: No, that's disgusting.
Frank: Yeah, yeah it is. Stay away from that kind of thing. No good can come of it, trust me.

North: Oh, you really know your way around.
Dennis: Well, if I've learned anything from films like Executive Decision or Passenger 57, there's always a way into the cargo hold.
North: You're weird.
Dennis: You have no idea.
[she leans in for a kiss]
Dennis: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Nothing with my lips, all right? I don't want to do that with you.

Attorney: I will take care of all of your legal needs as long as each of you agrees to never seek my legal advice again.
[to Dennis]
Attorney: And you promise not to break into my home and rape my wife while she's sleeping.
Dennis: Bro, rape? I wasn't talking about raping your wife. I was talking about making love to her sweetly while she sleeps, and I was gonna do it for you, you son of a bi- all right, fine, I won't do it.

Dennis: And by the way, the tattoo, the -- can we talk about that? The shamrock tattoo?
Mac: You wanna see it?
[he unzips his pants]
Dennis: No, I don't wanna see it, goddamn it!
Charlie: NO!
Dennis: You're getting rid of all the other tattoos, and not the worst tattoo?
Charlie: You're keeping the shamrock?
Dennis: I want it gone. We want it gone!
Charlie: It's bad tattoo, Mac.
Mac: [angry] So you thought you'd just unravel my entire identity?
Dennis: We didn't unravel anything!
Charlie: Nothing's unraveled! You're still you! You've always been you!
Mac: Fine, you know what? You take that liquid meat bodybag and you get it up the goddamn hill by yourself, 'cause I'm out!
[he stomps away down the hill]
Dennis: Is he gonna get rid of the tattoo?
Charlie: He's not gonna get rid of it.
[yells after Mac]
Charlie: Are you getting rid of the tattoo?
Dennis: Are you gonna get rid of the tattoo?
Mac: I'm gonna get another shamrock tattoo on the other leg!
Dennis: Don't you dare!
Mac: Oh, I'm gonna do it!
Dennis: Don't you dare get another shamrock tattoo, you son of a bitch!

Charlie: Remember when we made the news show for eighth grade for social studies, dude?
Mac: See, that was real news.
Charlie: Yeah, we didn't distort facts. We told it like it was, you know?
Mac: Yes.
Dennis: Yeah, I remember that video. You guys were burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats.

Dee: See this is the part where I would volunteer to be the girl on the billboard and you guys would find some reason not to and compare me to some sort of animal like a giant bird.
Dennis: [agreeing] Oh she looks so much like a bird doesn't she?
Charlie: See I was thinking fish because of how far apart her eyes are.

Dennis: I think all these chicks are gay.
Dee: Yeah, I don't know that they're gay. I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.

Mac: Are you sure?
Dennis: Yeah, look at his jeans, dude. That's a- that's an unmistakable bulge of a large penis in those jeans.
Dee: Yeah, that's a dick in those pants.
Mac: There's a dick in those pants!
Dennis: Yeah.
Mac: I'll be right back.
[confronts Carmen]
Mac: Excuse me, bro, can you give me a second?
[club goer exits]
Mac: Thanks. Is that a penis in your pants?
Carmen: Yeah.
Mac: You lied to me!
Carmen: No, I didn't. You lied to me! You don't work out? Please, I see you at the gym. You're ripped.
Mac: Wait, don't turn this around... Wait, really? You think so?
Carmen: Yeah.
Mac: I was afraid I was getting a little too ripped, you know?
Carmen: No, I like it.
Mac: Wow. Hmm. Well, I gotta get back to work, um, but I don't know, maybe I'll give you a call sometime.
Carmen: Okay.
Mac: Yeah, yeah, I'll give you a call.

Dennis: Tell you what, man. I'm happy for him, but I do still hate him!
Charlie: Oh yeah! It's not a gay or straight thing is it?
Dee: No, it's a Mac thing!
Dennis: No no no no no!
Charlie: Yeah, it's a Mac thing!
Dennis: It's a Mac thing!

Wayne: [shouting while in a wheelchair] Hey guys!
Mac: [pretending to be handicapped with Dennis] Shit, what do we do?
Dennis: Uh, okay. Just play it cool, man.
Mac: Play it cool.
Dennis: [to Wayne] Hey.
Wayne: Hey. How's it going?
Mac: [blurting out] I have polio.
Wayne: Oh. Uh, okay.
Dennis: [slowly] And I have polio...
Mac: [blurting out again, interrupting him] He has polio, too.
Wayne: All right, um...
[Mac and Dennis slowly back away]

Dennis: Mac, why don't you get started on the family makeover with Dee.
Mac: Family makeover with Dee? No, I wanna be a part of the renovation team.
Dennis: I know you do, but the thing is...
Charlie: You get so excited about the smashing and then you make it competitive.
Dennis: You turn it into a competition.
Mac: That's bullshit, 'cause I'm a better smasher than you guys! I should be on the head of the smashing team! You wanna have a smash-off?

Mac: What do we need a mattress for?
Dennis: What do you mean what do we need a mattress for? Why in the hell do you think we just spent all that money on a boat? The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy topside so we can take 'em to a nice comfortable place below deck and, you know, they can't refuse, because of the implication.
Mac: Oh, uh... okay. You had me going there for the first part, the second half kinda threw me.
Dennis: Well dude, dude, think about it: she's out in the middle of nowhere with some dude she barely knows. You know, she looks around and what does she see? Nothin' but open ocean. "Ahh, there's nowhere for me to run. What am I gonna do, say 'no'?"
Mac: Okay. That... that seems really dark.
Dennis: Nah, no it's not dark. You're misunderstanding me, bro.
Mac: I'm-I think I am.
Dennis: Yeah, you are, because if the girl said "no" then the answer obviously is "no"...
Mac: No, right.
Dennis: But the thing is she's not gonna say "no", she would never say "no" because of the implication.
Mac: ...Now you've said that word "implication" a couple of times. Wha-what implication?
Dennis: The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me. Now, not that things are gonna go wrong for her but she's thinkin' that they will.
Mac: But it sounds like she doesn't wanna have sex with you...
Dennis: Why aren't you understanding this? She-she doesn't know if she wants to have sex with me. That's not the issue...
Mac: Are you gonna hurt women?
Dennis: I'm not gonna hurt these women! Why would I ever hurt these women? I feel like you're not getting this at all!
Mac: I'm not getting it.
Dennis: Goddamn.
[notices woman staring at them]
Dennis: Well don't you look at me like that, you certainly wouldn't be in any danger.
Mac: So they are in danger!
Dennis: No one's in any danger!

Dennis: That is Hulk Hogan's signature look. Blond chinese hair and skin of a hotdog. It's awesome!

Dee: So how do we go about doing this? We ambush him, and just sorta barate him into being the guy we wanna be around?
Tabitha: No, you certainly don't barate him. He needs to know your coming from a place of love and concern.
Dennis: Too soft. I think we should come at him with an iron fist and crush him into submission.
Charlie: Right, right, and you know what, if we're taking that approch you might want to be armed at this intervention.
Tabitha: Why-why would I need to be armed?
Charlie: Well, Frank's usually carrying like a little gun around with him and he doesn't really hesitate to use it.
Dennis: And you know what? Have the gun out and ready to rock.
Charlie: Yeah, in fact we can all have- we'll all have guns.
Dee: It's just safer.
Charlie: You know what, if we maybe ambush Frank with a net or some kind of like rope device, the gun will maybe drop out of his waist.
Dee: You want to bring him in a net?
Dennis: That could get awkward. I say bring a gun.
Dee: Just bring the gun.
Charlie: I don't want to get shot so just bring a gun, will ya?

Doctor: She's lucky to be alive. She broke her arm, few ribs, punctured a lung, shattered her pelvis, compound fractures in both legs.
Dennis: Her breasts?
Doctor: Excuse me?
Dennis: What about her breasts?

Dee: [looking in a mirror after injecting Dennis' face] Number one, I'd like to get rid of these crow's feet that I have been noticing coming in which I do not appreciate. And hear me out on this one, it's a little weird. I'm thinking about doing something to my earlobes. I've never really liked my earlobes...
[puts mirror down and notices Dennis' swollen red eye]
Dee: Ahh! Jesus.
Dennis: What?
Dee: How's that eye feel?
Dennis: It feels a little weird. I'm having a little trouble seeing out of it. That's normal, right?
Dee: I don't think so.
Dennis: It's not? Really? Oh God, now that you mention it, sis, I do feel a fair amount of pain coming on. God, it stings.
Dee: Yeah? Uh-huh. Uhh, shit Dennis, I think maybe I switched these up.
Dennis: You switched 'em up? What the hell!
Dee: I don't know, maybe I put some collagen in your eye!
Dennis: You injected Mexican collagen in my eye?

Mac: These kids are wasted, bro. I thought we were cutting them off?
Dennis: I am cutting them off. These kids haven't had more than three drinks each. Plus, there's so much water in them, they're probably more hydrated than they ever have been in there entire lives.

Dennis: How's it going with the wrath thing? You, uh, staying away from that?
Dee: Well, yeah, you know, I was trying, but there are certain See You Next Tuesdays on this ship that are making it very difficult.
Dennis: Mm, yeah, I feel ya. I'm-I'm already struggling with the lust thing. See this, uh, flaxen-haired seductress across the pool over here?
Dee: Dennis, she looks like she's 12 years old.
Dennis: No, she's of age. I checked. Well, she's galavanting around, you know, flaunting it for me, and she knows how easy it would be for me to have her, too, because of the implication. Not that you would understand. It's not what you think it is.
Dee: No, I think I get it. We're out in the middle of the ocean, she's stuck on a boat. She couldn't possibly say no, 'cause something might go wrong for her if she did.
Dennis: That's... that's exactly what it is. How did you get that so fast?
Dee: It's like when I'm alone with a guy, and we're messing around, and he gets all skittish about banging. So then I insinuate that it would be a shame if my account of what happened was different from his, and then he ended up getting a call from the sheriff. You know what I mean? And then, boom. We plow.

Dennis: If you do not get my sister her stories and a new room as soon as possible, then I will come down on this hospital like the hammer of Thor. The thunder of my vengeance will echo through these corridors like the gust of a thousand winds!

Dennis: Hey, pal. How- how you feeling?
Boy: It hurts everywhere.
Dennis: Well...
Dee: Well, it- Everything's gonna be okay.
Barbara: You don't know that, Deandra.
Dee: Shut up, Mother.
Barbara: I don't think we should be lying to the sick children.
Dee: I was trying to be encouraging.
Barbara: Well, what if he doesn't get better? You're gonna look like a fool.
Dennis: Mom, I gotta say I agree with Dee. I mean, the kid's gonna die anyway. What difference does it make?
Boy: I can hear you.

[Dennis mimics an Arab jihad video]
Charlie: Cut, cut, cut, cut. What the hell are you doing, dude?
Dennis: [uncovers face] That's what those tapes sound like.
Charlie: Why don't you read the script that I wrote.
Dennis: I'm not reading the script you wrote. It's in English, and it's riddled with spelling errors.
Charlie: Well, you know what I'm trying to write, just say it.
Dennis: No, I'm just gonna mumble some guttural sounds. Let's do another one.
Charlie: He's not gonna know what you're saying!
Dennis: Well, then we'll do subtitles or something!
Charlie: How am I gonna do subtitles?
Mac: I feel like I should have something in my hands.
Dennis: You don't need anything in your hands.
Mac: Like a weapon. A machete or a machine gun or something.
Dennis: Okay, why don't you head down to the Wawa and pick up a machine gun!
Charlie: Read the script.
Dennis: I'm not gonna read the script.
Charlie: Read the- who's the director here?
Dennis: I don't care, I'm not reading the script!
Charlie: Alright, fine. Action!
Dennis: Bro, can I get my towel over my face again?
Charlie: Oh, yeah, put your towel on your face.
Dennis: Alright, here we go.
Charlie: Action.
[Dennis speaks mock arabic]
Mac: [interrupts] I'm gonna get a weapon. I'm gonna get a weapon!

[eating chips while stoned]
Dennis: Carbs-wise, this is gonna set me back, but I don't even give a shit.
Frank: Yes.
Dennis: Country Mac's awesome.
Frank: Yes.
Dennis: You know?
Dee: This weed that he gave us is awesome.
Frank: Yes.
Dennis: Yeah.
Charlie: Yeah.
Dennis: All these years, I've been feelin' like I hate karate... and, like, I hate Project Badass, and, like... I hate God...
Frank: Yes.
Dennis: But, like... I realized... you know what I really hate... is Mac.
Frank: Yes.
Dennis: Like, he's made all those cool things suck. Not only is he, like, ruining my life... but with all this God shit that he's into... he could be ruining my afterlife.
Frank: Yes.

Dennis: There's gonna be free drinks for everybody, so you know, you'll come, you'll party with us, and y-you bring your girlfriends too, you know. We don't want just the two of you! You gotta bring your girlfriends, that's a requirement.
College: Sounds like fun. Can our boyfriends come too?
Dennis: ...Your boyfriends?
College: Yeah, our boyfriends.
Dennis: Do you have boyfriends?... How did you not know that the reason I invited you back to my bar... was to bang you. Get outta here. Get the hell outta here!

Charlie: Now let's talk about the trash. What do I do with the trash? How do I dispose of the trash?
Dennis: I don't know. We disposed the trash in the dumpster last night. What are you doing with it?
Charlie: I am taking it to the furnace.
Mac: We have a furnace?
Charlie: Absolutely. Where do you think the heat comes from?
Dennis: You burn the trash in the furnace?
Charlie: This bar runs on trash, dude. This bar is totally green that way.
Dennis: How is burning trash green?
Charlie: Uh, because I'm recycling the trash into heat for the bar and lots of smoke for the bar. I'm giving the bar the good smoky smell that we all like.
Mac: The bar smells like trash.

Dennis: Oh, you better have a good reason for getting us outta bed this early, jerk.
Frank: I got a goddamn great reason for gettin' you out of bed. This bar is hemorrhaging money!
Charlie: You gotta spend money to make money. Economics 101, dude.
Frank: You're bleeding us to death! Especially with that company credit card you got.
Mac: Uh, that is for business expenses, Frank. Everything on there is a business expense.
Frank: Who spent $500 for laser hair removal?
Dennis: Right over here, Slick. Don't wanna have hair down there, know what I'm sayin'?
Frank: Who spent $5,000 for a samurai sword?
Mac: [raises hand] Your head of security.
Charlie: Yeah, just wait till he saves your life one day with it.
Frank: $6,000 on a camcorder!
Dee: Well, I've decided what I'm gonna do is I'm going to take all those hilarious characters that I've been creating over the past several years. I'm gonna put 'em on tape, I'm gonna put 'em on YouTube. That way I can get discovered by like a casting director or a producer. I get some kind of a TV development deal.
Dennis: Yeah, right, so the point is, Frank, is that these are all business expenses. I mean, some are definitely more realistic than others...
Charlie: [points to Dee] Yeah, not that one.
Dennis: No, not at all, but nonetheless I believe bought as a business expense.
Frank: They're not business expenses! What *I* bought is a business expense. What I bought is somethin' that's gonna save our asses!
Dennis: [mockingly] Okay. Yeah, all right.
Charlie: All right, what d'ya get?
Frank: I bought a billboard!
[cue: "America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest"]

Mac: I don't have enough facts to support my argument.
Dennis: Clearly.

Judge: [Mac and Dennis are doing push-ups] All right, enough! Stop it!
Dennis: All right. But you get my point, Your Honor, and you could see that Mac was slowing down at the end there.
Mac: What?
Dennis: And let the record show that that is because he only works out his glamour muscles.

Mac: Are you drinking sunscreen?
Dee: No no, it's a decoy. We're drinking tequila out of sunscreen bottles.
Dennis: Yeah, very strict open container laws at the Jersey shore.

Mac: What in the hell is a MySpace page?
Dee: It's like that friends forum.
Dennis: Dude, these things are actually pretty awesome. You create a profile, and then you put your picture on there, and then other people send you pictures of themselves and they want to be your friend.
Mac: Wow, so that's the saddest thing I've ever heard. You guys are losers.
Dennis: How are we losers, dude?
Mac: Well, maybe it boils down to this, smart guy: computers are for losers.
Dennis: And you're drinking a beer at 8 o'clock in the morning.
Mac: Whatever, dude, irrelevant.

Dee: Rocky IV is not the greatest move of all time.
Dennis: What do you consider to be a good movie?
Dee: I don't know, Million Dollar Baby or something.
Dennis: Are you serious? No way!
Dee: It won an Oscar!
Charlie: It has Stallone punching a Russian's face in to all smithereens!
Mac: Lifting anvils and shit, pulling a truck through snow.
Dennis: Million Dollar Baby is totally unrealistic. Girls can't fight, they don't have muscles.
Dee: That is a horribly sexist thing to say.
Dennis: It's not sexist, it's just truthful, you know.
Charlie: Girls can't pull trucks through snow.
Dee: Could you pull a truck through snow?
Charlie: I absolutely could!
Dee: You can barely walk through the snow, Charlie.
Dennis: That is true.
Charlie: Okay, is the truck in Park or Neutral?
Mac: That is a good question.

Dennis: How are we doing over here?
Dee: Uh... Not well. This is ridiculous. People are definitely starting to notice.
Dennis: Of course they're starting to notice. There's a grown man crammed inside of a couch for Christ's sake. They're going to notice. So let's just talk to somebody. Can you grab that guy?
Dee: [to two office workers] Hey you two!
Dennis: Heyyyyy! So how we doing at the Christmas party? We having a good time?
Woman Office Worker: Yes, great time.
Dee: Great! So, uh... Frank Reynolds?
[makes thumbs down motion]
Dennis: Oh yeah, we were just talking about him. He's the worst, huh?
Woman Office Worker: Do... Do you work here?
Dennis: ...Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. We hop around. Consultationists. So we consult here... we consult across the street too...
Man: Is there a man in that couch?
Dennis: Ha ha! What are you saying? A man in a couch? That's absurd!
Man: No, I believe there's a man in that couch right there!
Dennis: There is no man! There's no man! Say something things about Frank Reynolds, say them loud, and make sure they're horrible horrible things, then we'll deal with the man in the couch!
Man: Okay, so there is a man in the couch!
Dee: All right, just call Frank Reynolds an asshole!
Man: Who is Frank Reynolds?
Dennis: He's the man in the couch!
Woman Office Worker: Oh, my God! What are you people doing?
Dennis: Would you just say something about Frank that's horrible? Call him an asshole!
Woman Office Worker: Frank Reynolds is an asshole!
[Frank tears a hole in the couch and climbs out naked and sweaty]

Dennis: I was hearing a lot of laughs out there, bro.
Mac: Laughs are cheap. I'm going for gasps.

Dennis: [after Dee bumps into a table] Dee, you gangling uncoordinated bitch. I am not getting hogtied over your lack of grace.

Dennis: She's got Stockholm syndrome!
Dee: No, I don't! No, I just think it's a good way to decide who to kill first. I'm trying to put myself in their position, you know? It's called compassion dickheads. Maybe if you guys had a little bit of it, you wouldn't be in this mess in the first place and then we wouldn't be standing here trying to figure out which one of you we have to kill. But that's where we are so hand me that shotgun 'cause I'd like to do this mess myself. GET ON YOUR KNEES, BITCHES!

Dee: You're gonna throw away all your convictions for a chance to get laid?
Dennis: I don't really have any convictions.

Dennis: I'm not letting you in pig. When I show up to work everybody will be like, why is there blood all over you? Because I had to slit the guy's throat who causes all this traffic.

Mac: Stage freeze!
Dennis: Don't say stage freeze, just do it.

Dennis: Once the guests arrive, we will ply them with liquor, and then I will present to them this peace treaty that I will have them sign.
Frank: Why you always want people to sign creepy documents?
Dennis: [laughs] Well, Frank, once something's in writing, that means it's set in stone. Then no one can do anything to stop me.

Dennis: [Frank is hanging by a noose] Whoa. What the hell's going on over here?
Dee: Oh, Frank's trying to kill himself.
Charlie: Oh, my God. Is he all right? Frank, are you all right?
Frank: Don't try to stop me.
Dennis: Oh, my God.
Charlie: Oh, so he's alive.
Frank: I lost all my money in a Ponzi scheme, Charlie. I'm broke!
Dee: His neck is so thick, I feel like he's just gonna swing and dangle around for a really long time.

Dennis: [inner monologue] I'm gonna make Mac look so bad. My form is perfect, I'm like Jerry Rice. Feel that stride, so fluid and fast. I've got the stride of a gazelle. A beautiful, beautiful gazelle person. My body is achieving a perfect symmetry right now. It's that long, lean muscle I've worked so hard to achieve. Hm, I should've popped my shirt off. Goddammit, really should've popped that shirt off. I wonder if any women are watching from the sidelines...
[gets hit with football and is knocked unconscious]

Dee: So what's our plan here? Are we just gonna throw him in the trash or are we gonna find like a laundry chute, fire him down that, or what are we doing?
Dennis: What? No, I'm just gonna drop him in one of these rooms if I can find an empty one.
Dee: No but that way somebody can find him and put him back in my room.
Dennis: Ah, that's a good point. Or maybe we could stuff him in a drawer or like jam him in a closet or something? That'll buy us some time, right?
Dee: Hm, makes me feel like I have to touch him. I don't wanna touch him at all, so why don't we just put him in the trash?
Mr. Craig: Please don't put me in the trash!

Dennis: Oh, do me a favor. Peel this apple for me please.
Dee: No! No, I'm not gonna peel an apple for you!
Dennis: But Mac always does it for me.
Dee: Why does Mac peel your apples for you?
Dennis: He doesn't like for me to eat the apples with the skin on it. He says the skin's loaded with toxins.
Dee: Well, good news. Mac's not here.
Dennis: I know he's not here, and that's why I need you to do it for me. Please, please.
Dee: Oh, Jesus. Just eat it with the skin on it.
Dennis: I do not like it with the skin, Dee! I am not *allowed* to eat it with the skin! I am not *allowed*!
Dee: OH, MY GOD! All right! If you just shut up, I will peel the apple for you the way Mac likes you to eat it. Give it to me. Give it to me! I'll do it the way Mac insists, okay?
Dennis: Yeah.

Dennis: Look, we need to start the healing process. Okay? I'm devastated over here. We need to throw a big-ass party. Because I need to be amongst friends. Let's call the crew. Let's round up the boys!
Charlie: Round the crew up!
Dennis: And let's have a kick-ass party!
Charlie: We got the diary! And the crew!
Dennis: [singing] The boys are back in town. The boys are back in town.
Mac: [checking cell phone] I have two numbers in my phone. Charlie and Dennis.

Dee: I had the craziest dream last night that I was in Cleveland, Ohio - which is really weird because I've never been to Ohio. And this guy was wearing a bunny suit, and he was coming out of...
Dennis: [interrupting her] You know what Dee, I don't want to hear about your dream, okay? I hate listening to people's dreams. It's like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them, and nobody's having sex, I just... don't care.

Dennis: [going to buy crack to get on welfare] Okay, we'll smoke a little bit. Just enough to get it into our system.
Dee: Yeah, and then we'll go to the doctor and we'll get all of our paperwork and we'll get full benefits.
Dennis: Yeah, and then we'll just collect for just a little while, until we get settled. And then, uh, I'll take the MCATs.
Dee: And I'll move to New York. Perfect.
[notices crack dealer outside car]
Dee: Ahh!
Dennis: Ohh! My God! Whew.
Dee: Jesus!
Dennis: Wow, you scared us. Oh, not 'cause you're black. No, no, no, we're not racist.
Dee: No, no, God no.
Dennis: No, it's just that the neighborhood is scary...
Dee: If you were another ethnicity you'd pop, you'd really pop up.
Dennis: But it's a nice neighborhood, I mean, it's okay... It's the nature of this...
Crack: Roll your window down.

Dennis: The crabs have machine guns. That makes sense.

Dee: [at the public pool] That girl just jumped in with her sneakers on!
Dennis: These people all have sneakers on!

Dennis: I am not banging my sister.
Barbara: Jesus Christ! What have I walked into here?
Dee: Oh my God.
Barbara: You two aren't having *sex* together...
Dennis: No, we're not having sex.
Frank: What the hell is she doing here?
Dee: Sit down please, Mom.
Barbara: I am not getting pulled into any sort of perverted sex talk.
Dennis: It's not perverted!
Frank: Banging your sister is perverted, Dennis!
Dennis: [shouts] I am not banging my sister!

Dennis: What the hell is going on?
Charlie: That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because Maureen Kanallen said that she saw Tammy flirting with Walt Timny at a party, but she was only doing it to make Trey jealous because you know, she thought that Trey secretly liked Erin Henebry, but he doesn't like Erin Henebry, it was all a bunch of bull.
Dee: [wanders over] What is happening?
Charlie: That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because...
Mac: Okay, you know what, Charlie? You gotta stop, honestly.

Dennis: There's really only one thing that determines whether a person will be accused of sexual harassment and that is... ugliness.

Frank: I brought a nail gun.
Dennis: Is that what that is? You're not gonna shoot nails in me!
Mac: No, I think a couple of severe burns from the cigar is what's gonna do the trick.
Frank: No, no, no, you need deep wounds. This'll give you deep wounds.

[Flip Flop Kid runs up to Dennis with a soda in his hand]
Dennis: What the hell is that?
Flip: I don't know.
Dennis: It's diet.
Flip: Oh.
Dennis: Does it look like I need to be on a diet?
Flip: I don't know.
Dennis: Terrible. Take a lap.

Mac: All right, let's get this guy outta here, send him a message.
Dennis: Let's do it.
Charlie: Right, let's slash his tires.
Mac: Well, not that though, because then he can't leave. That doesn't make any sense.
Charlie: Well, you start putting plans under microscopes, nothing's gonna make sense, all right?
Mac: Lots of things make sense. Slashing someone's tires so that they leave makes no sense.
Charlie: You're gonna put everything I say under a microscope, bud?
Dennis: It's a stupid idea, Charlie.

Dennis: These kids these days, I'll tell you what. They are nothing like we used to be back when we were in fraternities. They have no respect for anybody, okay? They're like stupid little goddamn savages.
Frank: They're bitches, they're bitches! They're little bitches!
Dennis: I came in there, right? And I was polite, and I was nice to them. I was cordial. And they completely goddamn disrespected me! Little idiots! Idiots! I was completely respectful. They're supposed to be my brothers, right? They're my brothers? No, no, that's lot fun. What they were doing wasn't fun. They kept zapping us and zapping us. Idiots! Savages! Idiots! Idiots!

Charlie: Mac, why the hell did you sprint ahead of me, man?
Mac: Oh, 'cause I'm playing both sides.
Dennis: Jesus Christ.

Dennis: I mean, look at this girl. What's her story? She's got a decent bone structure. She was probably very pretty when she was young.
Dee: Yeah.
Dennis: Probably spent her summers here, lounging on the beach and scooping ice cream.
Dee: But she didn't want her summers to end, so she got herself a fake ID and a push-up bra and started hanging out at the local bars.
Dennis: Right. Developed a nasty coke habit, 'cause she loved the way it made her feel.
Dee: Mm-hmm.
Dennis: But then extreme highs gave way to extreme lows and she fell into a depression.
Dee: Had herself a kid. Thought it would give her a sense of purpose. And it did, for a while, till she started using again.
Dennis: Mm-hmm. And then Social Services came knocking at the door, and now the kid loves upstate with his grandparents, 'cause she can't take care of this kid. And here she is festering away in a one-bedroom apartment waiting for the HIV to turn into AIDS...
Dee: Ooh!
Dennis: And wondering what the hell...
Stephanie: You know I can hear you, right?

Dennis: This is an open-and-shut case, and anyone who can't see that is a SAVAGE and an IDIOT!

Dennis: Charlie can't read.
Frank: He'll adapt.
Dennis: He'll adapt to reading?

Dennis: You are dressed like the Phantom of the Opera. He's not a vampire.
Charlie: He eats theater people.
Dennis: No, he doesn't.
Mac: I think he might.
Frank: He does.
Dennis: And I'm surprised you even know who the Phantom of the Opera is.
Mac: He might not.
Frank: He doesn't.
Charlie: No, I don't. I don't.

Dennis: I have an awful lot of reading to do...

Dee: Those goddamn North Koreans.
Dennis: They are some sneaky bastards.

Dennis: [to Frank] You know, hey, turns out Boggs, he didn't hit it out of the park every single time at bat. He just tried to get the ball in play and hope that he could squeak it through the hole. And I just, uh, squeaked it through multiple holes, if you know what I'm saying.
[North Dakota Woman laughs]
Dennis: Don't you!

Dennis: [on phone] Yeah, all right, well, what was the name on the order?
[laughs]
Dennis: Spider-Man. That's very clever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Frank: Dennis, ask him how it's possible for him to talk to you through a cut phone wire.
Dennis: How is it possible for you to talk to me through a cut ph...
Frank: [holds up cord] I cut it when I found the pizza.
Charlie: Holy shit. Dennis is Spider-Man.

Dennis: Shut up, dog!
[chucks beer in Frank's face]

Dennis: Hello. Hi, um, I'm a recovering crackhead. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I'd like some welfare please.

Dee: You're not a winner, Dennis. You're not a winner because you used to be popular in high school but I think you peaked.
Dennis: [stops in his tracks, then walks back towards Dee] Peaked? Peaked, Dee?
[chuckles]
Dennis: Let me tell you something, I haven't even begun to peak. And when I do peak, you'll know. Because I'm gonna peak so hard that everybody in Philadelphia's gonna feel it.

Dennis: Oh, Dee... Oh! Snyder?
Dee: Mm-hmm.
Dennis: He's clearly using you. Or you're using him to further your nonexistent career.
Dee: I am not using him.
Dennis: Oh, you're not using him?
Dee: Nope.
Dennis: Oh, good, good, good, good. So, you like him?
Dee: Mm-hmm.
Dennis: Find him attractive?
Dee: Absolutely.
Dennis: Describe the ways in which you find him attractive.
Dee: [scoffs] He's got... he's got all of his skin still.
Dennis: Well, I would hope so.
Dee: And that he has plenty of... teeth... to get...
Dennis: But not all of them?
Dee: No, not all of them.

Frank: I went on a manhunt once. I just got back from Nam. I was hitchhiking through Oregon. Next thing I know there's a bunch of cops chasing after me through the woods! I had to take them all out, it was a bloodbath!
Mac: Dude that's Rambo.
Dennis: And that's not the first time you've compared yourself to Jon Rambo by the way.
Mac: You know what? This is making me think I could get on board with a manhunt.
Frank: NO! YOU DO NOT GO ON A MANHUNT!
Dennis: [Mac and Dennis start laughing hysterically] Screw you.

Charlie: What are you getting, an autograph? No, we're good, man. That's alright.
Dennis: We don't need an autograph, man. We were actually here for a different...
Da': [hands Charlie a piece of paper] God bless you, man. You have a good time, you know, whale away...
Charlie: This is a parking ticket.

Dennis: Oh Sandra... you dumb bitch

Dennis: Tough titties.

Tony: [Dennis is trying to sell his Range Rover] I'm looking for something for my daughter.
Dennis: Your daughter?
Tony: Yeah. You know, safe, slow vehicle. Good starter car.
Dennis: ...Starter car.
Tony: That's right.
Dennis: Mm. I have contained my rage for as long as possible, but I shall unleash my fury upon you like the crashing of a thousand waves! Begone, vile man! Begone from me! A starter car? This car is a finisher car! A transporter of gods! The golden god! I am untethered, and my rage knows no bounds!

Charlie: I thought women our age didn't give hickeys anymore.
Dennis: No, they don't. Young ladies do though, and I met an extremely young lady the other day and she gave me this hickey.
Charlie: Weird.
Dennis: She was legal, she was totally legal. I always check their lisences.

[repeated lines, said in no specific order]
Mac: Absolutely.
Charlie: Absolutely.
Dennis: Absolutely.

Frank: Do we have any sharp knives?
Mac: What?
Dennis: What?
Frank: These guys are maniacs! They want to start betting fingers.
Dennis: Fingers!
Mac: What are you talking about?
Frank: If Alan loses this hand, he's gonna start chopping off his fingers. I've never seen anything like it in my life!
Mac: Okay, this has gone way too far.
Dennis: This is getting ridiculous. Dad, your friends have got to go!
Frank: Bullshit!
Mac: You are *killing* our freedom, man!
Frank: This is what freedom's all about. I'm living on the edge!

Dennis: Hey!
Waitress: Dennis, hey!
Dennis: Got somethin' for ya.
Waitress: What?
[Dennis gives her flowers]
Waitress: Really?
Dennis: Yeah!
Waitress: Wow, oh, thank you! That's really nice.
Dennis: Can I take your coat?
Waitress: Uh, are we staying here?
Dennis: No no, I just want to have a look at what you're wearing.
Waitress: Ah, haha, okay.
[takes off coat, poses for Dennis]
Waitress: So, what do you think?
Dennis: Yyyyeah, okay... that'll work. Are you not wearing make up?
Waitress: ...I'm wearing make up.
Dennis: Really?
Waitress: Yeah.
Dennis: Do you have any more?

Mac: How much cheese have you eaten today?
Charlie: How much cheese is too much cheese?
Dennis: Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese!

Gladys: What's happening?
Dennis: What's happening, Gladys, is we're at the fair and you're gonna act like my grandma, okay?
Gladys: My grandmother had an affair with Susan B. Anthony.
Dennis: I-I don't give a shit.

Dennis: You know what's scary about this whole thing really is that I have the same genes as her.
Mac: Yeah, I'm concerned for myself and Charlie as well. We lead a very rock 'n' roll lifestyle.
Charlie: I know!
Dee: I just had a heart attack! Can we focus on me for two minutes here?
Charlie: I feel like we did talk about you...
Mac: Dee, your ship has sailed, okay? It's time to move on to us, the people who are going to live on. Guys, we gotta make sure this does not happen to us.
Dennis: Yeah, that's the important thing here. We need to focus on ourselves.

Dennis: [speaking at Lionel Keane's funeral] Last Christmas, I was over Lionel's house, making him dinner, and we got to talking about the spirit of giving. And I said, 'Lionel, instead of just talking about the spirit of giving, why don't we put it into action?' He said, 'That's a great idea, Dennis.' So we went down to the mission and fed every man, woman, and child that walked in that night and washed the feet of every poor, wretched soul.

Dennis: She doesn't need you here. You need to thrust her into a hostile environment so that she needs you to protect her.
Frank: I should dump her under the bridge!

Frank: I'm going to go oil my chainsaw.
Dee: What?
Dennis: Frank, we don't need the chainsaw. Is that what's in that bag?
Frank: Oh, we do... because drawing a confession out of someone is like doing a beautiful dance... a beautiful dance with a chainsaw.
Dennis: He makes less and less sense as the days go by.
Dee: I don't get it... at all.

Dennis: See? This is what it was like to have a bar in New Orleans, bro!
Mac: Oh, man, New Orleans really had their shit figured out!
Dennis: They totally had their shit figured out! Yeah, except for the levees.
Mac: Right, yeah, except for the levees.

Gladys: What's happening?
Dennis: What's happening, Gladys, is we're at the fair and you're gonna act like my grandma, okay?
Gladys: My grandmother had an affair with Susan B. Anthony.
Dennis: I-I don't give a shit.

Frank: Look at that, James Earl Jones is doing a great black face!
Dennis: James Earl Jones has a black face. He's a black man!
Frank: He's not black, he was Darth Vader!
Mac: Darth Vader was black.
Frank: No. Darth Vader was not black, they took the mask off, he was white! Look, look, we gotta agree on this: the whole idea is getting the right color shoe polish.

Gloria: How long have you been a dance instructor?
Dennis: Oh, a long time. Years. Years, in fact.
Gloria: My fiancé and I, we're not really dancers. We just joined this competition because we both got laid off recently and we really need a fresh start...
Dennis: [interrupting] Right, right, okay, I'm gonna dip you down now, okay? Just stick your knee into my groin...
Gloria: Okay.
Dennis: Just like that. Grind your hips, and pulse your thighs.

Dennis: The t-shirts are working.
Mac: Isn't that amazing? You ask to see a woman's breasts on the street, you get slapped. You give her a free t-shirt and videotape it and the clothes come right off.
Dennis: I love this country.

Dennis: Put it this way, if the two of us didn't come together what if one of us were to get into a jam? It'd be silly not to have the other one there.
Mac: Silly? Dennis, that sounds downright dangerous.

Charlie: Hooooly shit! Is that the ocean?
Dennis: Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean.
Charlie: What's on the other side of it there?
Frank: Europe.
Charlie: Now, how long would it take...
Dennis: Do not try and swim to Europe.
Charlie: *Don't* swim to Europe...
Frank: Do not.

Dennis: Dee, you escalating shit is exactly what I'm talking about. We immediately escalate everything to a ten. It's ridiculous. Somebody comes in with a preposterous plan or idea. Then all of a sudden everyone's on the gas, and nobody's on the brakes. Nobody's thinking, we're just talking over each other with one idiotic idea after another. Until finally, we find ourselves in a situation where we've broken into somebody's house, and the homeowner is home.

[Mac is shooting a log to practice with a gun]
Dennis: If that log was trying to rob the place, you totally would have killed it!

Dennis: Now, you're clear on these instructions, right?
Dee: Yeah, yeah, I think so.
Dennis: Yeah, you know... you know what you're doing? They're in Spanish.
Dee: Ehh, yeah but you know, if you know Latin you know like three languages so...
Dennis: Well, as far as I know you don't speak Latin.
Dee: I don't speak Latin but there's pictures in here so I think we're good.

Dennis: [describing his workout goals] I'm going for that Jesus on the cross look.

Artemis: He's been trying to climb through that garbage can for 20 minutes. I'm pretty sure he's on acid.
Frank: Thank God you guys are here. How'd you get in here?
Dennis: What are you talking about?
Frank: I've been stuck in this bathroom for three hours.
Artemis: I think he pooped in there.

Dennis: It's 8 o'clock in the morning and you're drinking a beer.
Mac: Hey, that's how we roll. Go with it.

Dee: [about the dance 'contest'] Place, Paddy's Pub. Time, Saturday. Date, with Charlie Kelly. Prize... PADDY'S PUB?
Dennis: Whoa, dude, you put the bar up as a prize?
Charlie: No, I listed it in the 'Pride' section, the place where you list what you take pride in.
Dee: That's a 'Z', Charlie!
Frank: Didn't you read that goddamn thing?
Charlie: I gave it a once-over!
Mac: Oh, that's it! Your illiteracy has screwed us again!

Dennis: [after shooting Charlie] I'll call an ambulance.
Mac: Bro, the hospital's like three blocks away, we should just drive him!
Dennis: I know that but I don't wanna get blood stains all over the interior of my car!

Mac: [referring to band] You're not in it.
Dennis: Why am I not in it? I have a great voice.
Mac: You do have a great voice. You know what man, you have an excellent voice. The problem is that you're like into all of that early eighties glam rock fem shit and that's not the artistic direction that I want to take the band in.
Dennis: Artistic direction? You guys don't even play instruments.
Mac: Well that doesn't matter, does it? Because it's all about rocking and looking good and kicking ass.
Frank: Yeah, he's right. It's all about image and marketing. I mean, there are no band out there with any musical ability.
Mac: Frank, I like the way you think. You're in the band!

Frank: Charlie, you've got a lot of balls stealing my money. This shows leadership. I am promoting you to management.
Charlie: That's why I did it. That is why I did it.
Mac: That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?
Frank: You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.
Dee: How come Charlie...? Not fair... How come Charlie...?
Dennis: Why would you do this to us, Dad?
Frank: Because you are crackheads, children.

Dennis: [picking basketball teams] All righty. Uh... You, you, you, you, and you. Come over here.
[all the black kids go to Dennis]
Dennis: All right. Now, the rest of you kids can go with those two losers right there.
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell's going on over here?
Dennis: I'm picking my team.
Dee: No. No, you-you can't- you can't take all...
Dennis: I can't pick the...?
Dee: You can't pick all...
Dennis: What should I not pick?
Mac: You know exactly what you've done, sir.

Dennis: [Dennis walks out with a turtleneck and a clipboard as Mac arrives for a blind date] Who are you here to see?
Mac: My friend Sandy.
Dennis: Oh, Sandy. Sandy, huh? Is Sandy a young, attractive, blond girl?
Mac: I have no idea.
Dennis: Uh, Sandy, why don't you come out here, please?
Dee: [walks out] Oh, hello, Mac.
Dennis: Not so young and attractive, is she?

Dee: What the shit is this?
Charlie: Uh, Cheech over here bought himself a bong.
Frank: [taking a massive bong rip] Holy shit Deandra, this is wacky. I want you to go download me a hoagie off the internet.
Dee: I'm sorry? Those words don't make any s- sense... Oh God, you guys... Oh, weird, I feel weird.
Mac: Rip another one, bro.
Charlie: Yeah, say something else stupid too.
Dee: My arm's kinda numb. Dennis, can you feel my head? Is it hot, am I hot?
Dennis: I'm not touching you.
Dee: I'm serious you guys, something's not right. I...
Frank: You think there's bitches in the bar?
Mac: What?
Frank: Bitches in the bar.
Dee: I feel like... I'm being really serious you guys, I need some help...
[faints]
Dennis: Uh God, what is her problem?
Charlie: I don't know.
[cue title "Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack"]

Mrs. Mac: Don't find you attractive.
Dennis: What?
Mrs. Mac: I think you're an ugly man.
Dennis: You think I'm ugly?
Mrs. Mac: Yeah.
Dennis: I'm not ugly. You're ugly.
Mrs. Mac: Yeah.
Dennis: [getting fed up] Jesus Christ. What is wrong with you, woman? You're saying that I'm un... you don't find me attractive?
Mrs. Mac: No.
Dennis: And you're what, not gonna have sex with me?
Mrs. Mac: No.
Dennis: This is ridiculous. I'm, I'm out of here.

Rebecca: I guess I was a little curious, you know, I mean he's my grandfather and I know nothing about him.
Mac: Yeah, well he was a great man.
Rebecca: Really?
Mac: Yeah. Yeah, just a very warm and gentle soul actually.
Rebecca: So you knew him?
Mac: Yeah, I wouldn't actually say that I knew him all that well, but we did...
Dennis: I-I knew him pretty well. Yeah, we got pretty close near the end there.
Rebecca: Wow, really?
Mac: I knew him too. I... I just only meant... I thought you meant...
Dennis: He didn't know him as well as I did though.
Rebecca: Oh. Well listen, I should go. I have to get back to work, I just wanted to stop in.
Dennis: Of course, yeah. Well listen, if you ever wanna stop by, you know, I'll tell you some stories about your grandfather that you would not believe.
Mac: I-I'll make myself available as well.
Dennis: Don't worry about it.

Mac: Anyway, wanna roll? I, uh, got us some music. I made this Creed mix.
Dennis: Oh, uh, Creed, huh?
Mac: Yeah, it's a long commute, so...
Dennis: Yeah, I was thinking more, like, Bryan Adams.

Dennis: We need to realize something. We're never going to be able to stop women from doing whatever the hell they want with their own bodies.

Charlie: Remember how great high school was? All those parties, no responsibilities...
Mac: High school was the best.
Dennis: Do you guys even remember high school? I don't think it happened the way you think.
Mac: What do you mean?
Dennis: What I mean Mac, is that the only reason you got to hang out with me and the other cool kids is because you sold us all weed. Everybody thought that you were an asshole.
Mac: I was popular!
Charlie: What are you talking about? Mac was very popular. And I like to think that I was pretty popular myself.
Mac: You were!
Dennis: No, he was. You were popular like a... like a clown is popular.
Charlie: What?
Dennis: Yeah, you made us all laugh, and all the guys knew that you couldn't sleep with their girlfriends.
Mac: Whatever dude. The only reason you got laid is because you dated freshmen.
Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've always had that creepy thing with younger girls.
Dennis: I do not.
Charlie: You're not in high school anymore, pal. So you better keep it in your pants, because it's kind of creepy.
Dennis: You want to know what's creepy? You guys sniffing glue in your mom's basement, Charlie. That's creepy.
[Mac and Charlie become quiet]
Charlie: [after a long pause] Tim Murphy slept with your prom date.

Dennis: [while training Charlie to become an underground fighter] Why don't you punch this board?
[Dennis grabs a board and holds it up]
Charlie: Okay. Hold it steady for me. Watch your eyes.
[Charlie punches the board and groans in pain]
Mac: That looks like it stings.
Charlie: Oh my god! What is that made out of?
Dennis: It's a board so it's, you know, made out of wood.
Mac: It's like particle board.
Charlie: It's like harder than wood, dude.
Mac: It's actually softer than wood.

Frank: Your "Jane" is sitting over there.
Dennis: Aw, you gotta be kid- Her? Dude, she's like a hundred years old.
Frank: 68 tops.
Dennis: That's still extremely old. I'm not kissing that.
Frank: Nah, you don't have to kiss her. We can make that one of your rules.
Dennis: This time nothing with the ass, 'cause that got really weird last time, alright?
Frank: What are you talkin' about?
Dennis: You didn't set up that ass play on the last one?
Frank: No, I never set up any ass play.
Dennis: Alright. Well, I wanna set up a doctor's appointment anyway, just to be safe.
Frank: Alright. Do that.

[Charlie, Frank and Dee are fighting over Valentine's Day, and Dennis has had enough]
Dennis: STOP! STOP! STOP! What are you... What are you guys DOING? This is NUTS! THIS IS CRAZY! I can't believe we blew another opportunity to have a working bar, to have a successful business together, because you assholes get so worked up over Valentine's Day, the DUMBEST holiday that ever existed!
Charlie: But I thought you were trying to get us to focus on ourselves and focus on Valentine's Day...
Dennis: WHAT? Are you insane? All I've been saying is to please focus on the bar! But you just couldn't do it!
Dee: Dennis, I gotta say, I feel like this is just about something else...
Dennis: It's not about something else, it's...
Frank: The bar is fine. Something else is up...
Charlie: You know what it is? This is 'cause you hate Valentine's Day.
Dennis: It's not 'cause I hate Valentine's Day, it's because I -- I just...
[stammers]
Frank: That's what it is. He's trying to distract us from Valentine's Day. That's the thing.
Dee: You know why though? You guys, it's because he doesn't have any feelings. And we do.
Charlie: That's it! Yeah, because we have feelings, and you don't! And that's why you hate Valentine's Day!
Dennis: NO! STOP! GODDAMN IT!
[everybody else shuts up]
Dennis: I hate Valentine's Day because you assholes never got me anything! Okay, and I have feelings! Of course I have feelings! I have big feelings, okay? And it hurts. Okay? So... So that's why I hate Valentine's Day, and that's why I put anthrax in the box.
Dee: That was you?
Dennis: Yes, it was me. I just... I just wanted it to stop! It's powdered sugar, by the way... Oh, he's already eating it.
Frank: [eating the powdered sugar] I knew that.

Mac: What do we need a mattress for?
Dennis: What do you mean what do we need a mattress for? Why in the hell do you think we just spent all that money on a boat? The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy topside so we can take 'em to a nice comfortable place below deck and, you know, they can't refuse, because of the implication.
Mac: Oh, uh... okay. You had me going there for the first part. The second half kinda threw me.
Dennis: Well, dude, dude, think about it. She's out in the middle of nowhere with some dude she barely knows. You know, she looks around and what does she see? Nothin' but open ocean. "Ahh, there's nowhere for me to run! What am I gonna do, say no?"
Mac: Okay. That... that seems really dark.
Dennis: Nah, no, it's not dark. You're misunderstanding me, bro.
Mac: I'm-I think I am.
Dennis: Yeah, you are, because if the girl said no then the answer obviously is no...
Mac: No. Right.
Dennis: But the thing is she's not gonna say no; she would never say no because of the implication.
Mac: ...Now, you've said that word "implication" a couple of times. Wha-what implication?
Dennis: The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me. Now, not that things are gonna go wrong for her, but she's thinkin' that they will.
Mac: But it sounds like she doesn't wanna have sex with you...
Dennis: Why aren't you understanding this? She-she doesn't know if she wants to have sex with me! That's not the issue...
Mac: Are you gonna hurt women?
Dennis: I'm not gonna hurt these women! Why would I ever hurt these women? I feel like you're not getting this at all!
Mac: I'm not getting it.
Dennis: Goddamn.
[notices old woman staring at them]
Dennis: Well, don't you look at me like that. You certainly wouldn't be in any danger.
Mac: So they are in danger!
Dennis: No one's in any danger!

Frank: Okay, here it is. Al Jolson in The Jazz Singer, 1927.
Dennis: How is that not racist to you?
Mac: This is a terrible example of blackface. The guy isn't trying to look like a real person.
Frank: Well, he almost had the mouth right. See, that's what I'm saying about the full lips.
Mac: The lips are the most offensive part! The guy is bugging his eyes out like a cartoon character, okay? This is racist as shit!
Dennis: All blackface is racist no matter how it's portrayed, and that is the point I'm trying to make. You just cannot cast a white man as a black man and paint his face black. You cannot do it.
Mac: They're actors. They're trying to create an illusion. In The Lord of the Rings movies, Ian McKellen plays a wizard. Do you think he goes home at night and shoots laser beams into his boyfriend's asshole? I don't think so, dude. Tom Cruise is a midget... shorter then the average man. But he plays guys that are normal in size and height in the movies.
Dennis: Once again, nobody is buying that either. Ian McKellen playing a wizard and Tom Cruise playing taller men is not a fair comparison to white people portraying blackface.
Mac: Okay, look at this. This is Laurence Olivier in Othello... . playing the lead character in blackface. This is James Earl Jones. Now, look how close they resemble each other. Look!
Frank: James Earl Jones is doing a great blackface
Dennis: James Earl Jones is a blackface. He's a black man!
Frank: He's not black, he was Darth Vader!
Mac: Darth Vader was black.
Frank: No. Darth Vader was not black. They took the mask off in Return of the Jedi... he was white!

Mac: [to Sweet Dee and Charlie] Are you two seeing this?
[all look over at Dennis]
Dennis: [gayly] ... boys are out tonight, huh?
Mac: This is unbelievable. What the hell is going on here? You got black women crawling all over you, and this Mary over here is the belle of the ball. Why do these people like you guys so much?
Charlie: Well dude, it's not that they like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? Uhh... because you're an asshole!

Dee: [to Dennis who is hiding in bushes] Dennis!
Dennis: Dee! What the hell are you doing? Get out of here! You're gonna blow my cover.
Dee: This seems extraordinarily dangerous.
Dennis: Dee, that is the point of being here. This is the area of the highest concentration of murders by the serial killer.
Dee: I know, that's why I feel like a sitting duck out there.
Dennis: Well, you volunteered for this, sis, okay? As you recall, I didn't want to use you as the bait: You do not fit the profile.
Dee: [annoyed] I fit the profile, Dennis!
Dennis: That's the right attitude.
[refers to Dee's breasts]
Dennis: Now, pull these out or something. You need to look sexy for this guy. Otherwise he's never gonna... come on.
Dee: I just feel this is a very inappropriate outfit for how cold it is out here.
Dennis: Is it cold out here?
Dee: [irritated] It's freezing!
Dennis: See, I don't feel that. I have a down jacket, a wool blanket... It's a very toasty situation I got back here. Get back out there, Tiger. You can do it! I believe in you.

Charlie: I don't know. I did everything right and I can't get past the letter D, dude.
Dennis: What did you do exactly?
Charlie: I broke into her place, I ripped her sink apart, I brought a bag of hair, you know what I mean? And I come across looking like a total jerk!

Mac: I've changed my mind, I'm playing the Nightman!
Dennis: Why would you wanna play the Nightman?
Mac: The Nightman's badass, dude. He has the eyes of a cat and does karate across the stage.
Charlie: Where are you getting that from? Karate?
Mac: I made that up, man. It's gonna be great.
Dennis: This is great. That frees up the Lead Boy role and the Dayman role. I can play both those.
Charlie: No, I don't want you guys switching roles. That's not how it works.
Mac: Hey Frank, you got a guy that does cat eyes?
Frank: [on phone] I'm already on it.

Dennis: We're caring people. That's our nature.
Tabitha: Um, what's Frank struggling with the most right now?
Dee: Ooh, he is trying to bang our aunt.
Dennis: That's the big one.
Tabitha: These things deal more with drug and alchohol abuse.
Dennis: Drugs and alcohol are rolled into what we're talking about here.
Tabitha: So he does have a drinking problem.
Charlie: Oh, big time!
Dee: Oh, lady.

Dennis: [wearing high cut jean shorts] Check this out.
[stretches his legs apart]
Charlie: Go, go, go. Whoa! Any more?
Dennis: That's it, but that's pretty wide, right?
Charlie: That is good, you know? And you're not getting any high ride.
Dennis: I'm getting a high ride, but the shorts aren't preventing me from doing what I need to do.
Charlie: And that's the shorts.
Dennis: That's exactly right, man. See, your shorts, they're holding you back, man. Well, that and your hips. But I gotta tell ya, the shorts aren't helping.

Dennis: Where am I having dinner tonight, Frank? I'm kind of in the mood for Asian fusion.
Frank: No more dinners. We're going straight to bangin' from now on. Check this out.
[shows Dennis his newspaper ad]
Dennis: Jesus Christ, man.
Frank: What, you got a problem?
Dennis: Yeah. This makes me seem like a whore.
Frank: You are a whore.
Dennis: I'm not a whore, I'm a handsome companion who goes to nice dinners with fancy women, and who has rules about what he'll do. I mean, what happened to the rules, Frank?
Frank: You can still have your rules.
Dennis: It says right here "no rules"!

Artemis: You want me to shake it? Want me to shake it for ya?
Dennis: Uh...
Artemis: I'll shake it, I'll shake it.

Dennis: [walking towards front door] All right, well, just let me do the talking.
Charlie: Well, I feel like you gotta, at least, talk with a Southen accent, man.
[rings doorbell]
Dennis: No, I'm not gonna talk in a Southern accent. It's bad enough that you wore this stupid disguise.
Charlie: But we're oil men. We would have Southern accents.
Dennis: Yeah, but we don't need bolo ties and stupid hats.
Charlie: Yes, we do. She's going to think - uh...
[woman opens door]
Dennis: Hello, ma'am. Oh, what a lovely housedress.
Charlie: [heavy Southern accent] Yeah, well, you're looking all sorts of good.
Dennis: Now, you seem like a sweet, sophisticated, nice, busy, young lady, so we're not gonna waste your time today.
Charlie: Nah. We're just a couple oil men in from Dallas, and, well, we're itching like a hound to give you a-something you want.
Dennis: [awkward pause] What my
[clears throat]
Dennis: associate is trying to say is that we're here to offer your community a much-needed service
[interrupted by Charlie]
Charlie: Hells, yeah! We want to fill you up, if'n you are so inclined as to let us.
Dennis: [whispers to Charlie] Please let me do the talking. Please let me
[interrupted by Charlie]
Charlie: Now, we ain't gonna take 'no' for an answer now, you hear? Okay? So don't be making me sic my associate on you here, alright?
[gestures towards Mac in van]
Charlie: He don't take kindly to 'no'. So, can I fill you up, or what?
[awkward pause, cut to Charlie and Dennis entering van]
Charlie: Yep, you best get to stepping, 'cause Johnny Law's a-coming.
Dennis: Yeah, you might want to start driving because she called the cops on us.
Mac: [gestures to Charlie] Why is he talking like that?
Dennis: Well, 'wildcard' over here decided to lose his mind.
Charlie: I say, I say, that's just damn preposterous, boy.
Dennis: Well, now you're just talking like Foghorn Leghorn!

Dennis: Hey, Frank, why do you have a truck full of water filters? All right, you know what, I don't give a shit. Let's get down to that rally, man.
Frank: Rally?
Dennis: Yeah.
Dee: Yes, the freedom rally, the one you organized.
Frank: Ooh, shit, I'm not gonna go down there. There's gonna be a buncha nuts with guns. Too dangerous.
Charlie: Wait, hold on a second, what's goin' on? I thought you were into guns, you know? Why have you been on TV talkin' about all that shit?
Frank: I bought a stake in Gunther's Guns. I got everybody angry and scared, they bought the guns, I made a fortune.
[he shrugs]
Dennis: Oh, my God, this is crazy. So you don't give a shit about the gun issue at all?
Frank: Ehhhh...
Dennis: I mean, what the hell? You're like the NRA.
Frank: Yeah, little bit like the NRA, little tiny bit. But I-I think of myself more like Al Gore, you know? He got everybody all worked up over global warming, then he made millions.
Mac: Huh?
Frank: Yeah, everybody does it. Liberals, conservatives, doesn't matter. This is America. You're either a duper, or a dupee. I'm a duper. You guys are the dupees.
[he smiles]