Top 700 Quotes From It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Dennis: This is an open-and-shut case, and anyone who can't see that is a SAVAGE and an IDIOT!

Dee: Where were you when I was in high school?
Trey: I was eight.
Dee: Right... right.

Dennis: Hello, fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me, I am hot. What? Taxes. They'll be lower, son. The democratic vote for me is the right thing to do, Philadelphia. So do.

Mac: [to Frank] God, you're disgusting. A disgusting animal.

Charlie: What is going on up here?
[points to his head and laughs]
Dennis: I never know, man.
Charlie: Daylight.
[pointing to a bright window]
Dennis: Yeah, I like that.
[pointing to Charlie's keyboard beat]
Charlie: Day, Day-man.
Dennis: Dayman?
Charlie: Fighter of the Night Man, Champion of the...
Dennis: Sun.
Charlie: Sun! You're a master of karate...
Dennis: And friendship, for everyone.

Charlie: Perhaps we can get Mrs. Mac some perfume?
Dennis: That's not a bad idea. Mrs. Mac, what d'ya say? What better way to kick off this new relationship than with a new fragrance!
Mac's: Stop talkin' to me like I'm an asshole!

Artemis: [to Charlie] Hey. I'm insanely high on mescaline.

Dee: [pretending to be a man] Coach, hi! Hi there. Cole. Cole Armstrong, three-time all-American fastest sprinter in five counties. Coach, would you like us to stand when you address us or do you prefer we take a knee?
Coach: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!

Dennis: [picking basketball teams] All righty. Uh... You, you, you, you, and you. Come over here.
[all the black kids go to Dennis]
Dennis: All right. Now, the rest of you kids can go with those two losers right there.
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell's going on over here?
Dennis: I'm picking my team.
Dee: No. No, you-you can't- you can't take all...
Dennis: I can't pick the...?
Dee: You can't pick all...
Dennis: What should I not pick?
Mac: You know exactly what you've done, sir.

Charlie: Let's flip a coin, the loser leaves.
Mac: Okay.
Charlie: Get a coin.
Mac: I don't have a coin! Gimme a coin. You have a coin?
Charlie: Of course I don't have a coin.
Mac: Alright, let's flip something else.
Charlie: Alright, uh...
Mac: Something in the hallway... a feather?
Charlie: Look, that piece of wood.
Mac: That's not gonna work.
Charlie: What about something off the chair?
Mac: Yeah, maybe we'll just break something off this chair.
[Mac starts kicking the wheel off Charlie's wheelchair]
Charlie: Don't break it too much. It's a rental, dude.

Charlie: Hooooly shit! Is that the ocean?
Dennis: Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean.
Charlie: What's on the other side of it there?
Frank: Europe.
Charlie: Now, how long would it take...
Dennis: Do not try and swim to Europe.
Charlie: *Don't* swim to Europe...
Frank: Do not.

Dee: You're not a winner, Dennis. You're not a winner because you used to be popular in high school but I think you peaked.
Dennis: [stops in his tracks, then walks back towards Dee] Peaked? Peaked, Dee?
[chuckles]
Dennis: Let me tell you something, I haven't even begun to peak. And when I do peak, you'll know. Because I'm gonna peak so hard that everybody in Philadelphia's gonna feel it.

Dee: [on the phone] Goddammit you guys, I am a teacher now, okay? Don't ever call me here again! I don't have time for your shit, you dumbass dickbags!
[the other teachers stare]
Dee: Wrong number, sorry.

Mac: Let's talk stigmatas.

Dennis: She doesn't need you here. You need to thrust her into a hostile environment so that she needs you to protect her.
Frank: I should dump her under the bridge!

Coach: Come on, let's get on the bus.
Mac: Bus? What the hell are you talking about?
Coach: The bus that takes you to the field.
Dennis: Wait, I thought we were gonna be playing on the Linc.
Coach: You think you dipshits are gonna be playing on the same field that champions play on?
Mac: Where're we going?
Coach: [mimicking in a high voice] "Where're we going?" We're going to a shitty high school in Berks County. Now get your ass on the bus. If I say it one more time, if I say it *one* more time, if I say it *one* more time! Sprint to the bus! Sprint to the bus!

Mac: [wearing goggles] Now I can determine a subject's threat level without him being able to feel my retinal assessment.
Charlie: Which is a great advantage because the guy can't see how scared Mac is.
Mac: Yes, and- No, that's not what it's about.
Charlie: Oh, I thought you were scared every time...
Mac: That's classified!

Dennis: Do you have any more crack?
Dee: No one in the history of crack, has ever woken up with more crack.

Ryan: What d'ya got here? What's in the box?
Dee: No, that's just a... it's a cock ring. It's a cock ring just from all my lovers...
Ryan: Oh. It's kinda small, huh?
Dee: Well, it's my dad's.

Allison: [listening to tape of him wooing a girl] Too bad the museum is closed on Wednesdays.
Dennis: Who knew? I guess we can hang out here and get to know each other instead.
[door is heard closing with multiple door locks]
Allison: What's with all the locks?
Dennis: I want you to feel safe.

Charlie: You got that script I wrote? Grab that script.
Dennis: I've been meaning to speak to you about this. I can't read these words. They're not in the right order.
Charlie: It's good.
Dennis: I think you might be dyslexic bro. I'm not reading this.
Charlie: No, no, no, no!
Dennis: I think you might be dyslexic.
Charlie: Just read it once!
Dennis: Ok... you want me to read the script?
Charlie: Yes... and action!
Dennis: I'll read the words you wrote. "Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you, thank you. If you vote me, I'm hot. What? Taxes, they'll be lower... son. The Democratic vote for me is right thing to do Philadelphia, so do." This doesn't make any sense!
Charlie: Alright... then just say whatever you want.

Mac: I am an American I can believe in whatever I want in any given moment based on what the argument I am trying to make.

Frank: We gotta definitely write a song about how we do not diddle kids! "Do not diddle kids, it's no good diddling kids."
Mac: There is no quicker way for people to think that you are diddling kids than by writing a song about it!

Charlie: Zombies... I've seen it once before in a rat, and I see it now in men. Once one gets a taste for its own kind, it can spread through the pack like a wildfire. Mindlessly chomping and biting at their own hinds. Nothing but the taste of flesh on their minds. You know the thing about a rat? It's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes like a doll's eyes. Don't seem to be living at all when it come at ya. Till it bites ya. And then the eyes roll over white. You don't hear nothing but the screaming and the hollering...

Dennis: What's with the uh, curtains?
Charlie: I'm living in a world of darkness.
Dennis: Right. Let's get some light in here.
[pulls down curtains and sees Charlie with silver spray paint around his nose and mouth from huffing]
Dennis: Whoa, what's with the spray paint, man?
Charlie: Uhh, what's with your outfit, man?
Dennis: Why don't we put the curtains back up?
Charlie: No, no. What is going on up here?
[points to his head]
Dennis: I never know, man.
Charlie: [starts a beat with his electric piano] Daylight...
[points to windows]
Dennis: Yeah, I like that.
Charlie: Day-Dayman.
Dennis: Dayman.
Charlie: Fighter of the Nightman. Champion of the... sun. You're a master of karate...
Dennis: ...and friendship, for everyone.
Charlie: Dayman, that's it!
Dennis: Dayman, ahh-ahh-ahh!
Charlie: ...Fighter of the Nightman.
Dennis: Ahh-ahh-ahh.
Dennis: Champion of the sun. Ahh-ahh-ahh. You're a master of karate and friendship for everyone! Dayman.

Dee: So how do we go about doing this? We ambush him, and just sorta barate him into being the guy we wanna be around?
Tabitha: No, you certainly don't barate him. He needs to know your coming from a place of love and concern.
Dennis: Too soft. I think we should come at him with an iron fist and crush him into submission.
Charlie: Right, right, and you know what, if we're taking that approch you might want to be armed at this intervention.
Tabitha: Why-why would I need to be armed?
Charlie: Well, Frank's usually carrying like a little gun around with him and he doesn't really hesitate to use it.
Dennis: And you know what? Have the gun out and ready to rock.
Charlie: Yeah, in fact we can all have- we'll all have guns.
Dee: It's just safer.
Charlie: You know what, if we maybe ambush Frank with a net or some kind of like rope device, the gun will maybe drop out of his waist.
Dee: You want to bring him in a net?
Dennis: That could get awkward. I say bring a gun.
Dee: Just bring the gun.
Charlie: I don't want to get shot so just bring a gun, will ya?

Frank: Your "Jane" is sitting over there.
Dennis: Aw, you gotta be kid- Her? Dude, she's like a hundred years old.
Frank: 68 tops.
Dennis: That's still extremely old. I'm not kissing that.
Frank: Nah, you don't have to kiss her. We can make that one of your rules.
Dennis: This time nothing with the ass, 'cause that got really weird last time, alright?
Frank: What are you talkin' about?
Dennis: You didn't set up that ass play on the last one?
Frank: No, I never set up any ass play.
Dennis: Alright. Well, I wanna set up a doctor's appointment anyway, just to be safe.
Frank: Alright. Do that.

Charlie: I'm gonna want the milk steak, boiled over hard, and a side of your finest jelly beans, raw.

Liam: You just got fork stabbed!

Frank: With a plastic bag for a helmet!

Charlie: Whoa dude, what are you doing? That's my good chair!
Mac: Charlie, it's covered in bird shit.
Charlie: No... it's toothpaste.
Mac: It's clearly bird shit.
Charlie: No, it's not. It's toothpaste.
Mac: Do you even own a toothbrush?

Dee: I'm assuming you wouldn't have lured him down by a fire. Is that- is that what your face is doing right now?
Tabitha: Yeah, uh, and I wouldn't have an intervention at a bar either.

Charlie: That would have been a lot better if I was wearing the duster, dude.
Dennis: Come on, dude, it doesn't fit you. It's too big for you.
Charlie: That's why it's so awesome on me! It's like, "Why's that guy in giant jacket? What is he hiding?"

Dennis: Once the guests arrive, we will ply them with liquor, and then I will present to them this peace treaty that I will have them sign.
Frank: Why you always want people to sign creepy documents?
Dennis: [laughs] Well, Frank, once something's in writing, that means it's set in stone. Then no one can do anything to stop me.

Mrs. Mac: This party sucks!
Dee: You suck!
Charlie's: I need a ride!
Dee: Oh, really? Well, I ain't giving you shit, you old bitch!

Dee: I had the craziest dream last night that I was in Cleveland, Ohio - which is really weird because I've never been to Ohio. And this guy was wearing a bunny suit, and he was coming out of...
Dennis: [interrupting her] You know what Dee, I don't want to hear about your dream, okay? I hate listening to people's dreams. It's like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them, and nobody's having sex, I just... don't care.

Charlie: Oh, you know, I told you. I asked for more money.
Dee: What?
Charlie: Yes, I did!
Dee: No, you didn't!
Charlie: I was using dead presidents as a cover. You didn't get that?
Dee: He said to the man, he wanted many, many thousands of green people from history times.

Charlie: [singing] They took you Night Man and you don't belong to them. They left me in a world of darkness without your sexy hands and I miss you, Night Man... so bad.

Dennis: Oh, it's a new review by Korman!
Dee: [clears throat] "I woke up in my neighbor's bed with a head wound, yesterday's paper, and an empty bottle of sleeping pills and my nightmare in that putrid shithole of a bar Paddy's Pub finally, mercifully came to an end. The owners all deserve to rot in jail, though having to spend every day with each other in that vile establishment is a decidedly greater punishment. That is why I decided not to press charges, leaving them to live in the hell on earth they've created for themselves for the rest of their pathetic and miserable lives."
Mac: Ouch.
Dennis: Yeah, really raked us over the coals there, didn't he?
Mac: Not a good review.
Dennis: It's not a good review.
Charlie: He went right for the throat.
Dennis: He sure did. Hey listen, at least he didn't mention our names.
Mac: Yeah, and no pressing charges which is great.
Charlie: Yeah, right, no charges, no names.
Dennis: No charges, no names, that's good.
Dee: ...I don't know why but I'm a little irritated that he didn't mention my name. I work here!
Charlie: You feel like he would mention our name, right?
Dennis: I'm incredibly annoyed that he didn't mention my name.
Mac: I wish I could live with this but I can't...
Charlie: It's a story about us!
Mac: I feel like we gotta go talk to him again.

Dennis: [after Dee bumps into a table] Dee, you gangling uncoordinated bitch. I am not getting hogtied over your lack of grace.

Dee: [to Dennis who is hiding in bushes] Dennis!
Dennis: Dee! What the hell are you doing? Get out of here! You're gonna blow my cover.
Dee: This seems extraordinarily dangerous.
Dennis: Dee, that is the point of being here. This is the area of the highest concentration of murders by the serial killer.
Dee: I know, that's why I feel like a sitting duck out there.
Dennis: Well, you volunteered for this, sis, okay? As you recall, I didn't want to use you as the bait: You do not fit the profile.
Dee: [annoyed] I fit the profile, Dennis!
Dennis: That's the right attitude.
[refers to Dee's breasts]
Dennis: Now, pull these out or something. You need to look sexy for this guy. Otherwise he's never gonna... come on.
Dee: I just feel this is a very inappropriate outfit for how cold it is out here.
Dennis: Is it cold out here?
Dee: [irritated] It's freezing!
Dennis: See, I don't feel that. I have a down jacket, a wool blanket... It's a very toasty situation I got back here. Get back out there, Tiger. You can do it! I believe in you.

Tommy: What is this place?
Charlie: Uh... this is a place where we're gonna see a special friend of mine.
Tommy: Why?
Charlie: Because he's going to help us figure something very important out. It's gonna be good to know.
Tommy: Why?
Charlie: Because I said so. No more questions, okay buddy?
Tommy: Why?
Charlie: Stop saying "why".
Tommy: Why?
Charlie: Stop it. I don't like this game.
Tommy: Why?
Charlie: Is this a game? Are you taunting me with a game?
Tommy: Why?

Frank: Look out, faggot!

Charlie: DJ Fat Michael?
Fat: Yo!
Charlie: Squirrely D?
DJ: My man!
Charlie: Can you please play my tape for a dance chal-LONGE?
Fat: Yes, I can do, my brother!
Charlie: [to Dennis] Cream always rises to the top and you're about to see the white hot cream of an eighth grade boy.

Charlie: Whoa. Wait. Has that chair been dipped in gold?

Frank: It's the media, see? When it's white people, it's survival. And when it's black people, it's looting.
Dee: No, Frank, it's because the white people are stealing bread and the black people are stealing speakers. If the white people were stealing stereo equipment, I would say they were looting too.
Frank: How do you know the blacks don't have bread in those speakers?

Frank: Dennis, let your sister be part of the gang.

Dennis: You know what's scary about this whole thing really is that I have the same genes as her.
Mac: Yeah, I'm concerned for myself and Charlie as well. We lead a very rock 'n' roll lifestyle.
Charlie: I know!
Dee: I just had a heart attack! Can we focus on me for two minutes here?
Charlie: I feel like we did talk about you...
Mac: Dee, your ship has sailed, okay? It's time to move on to us, the people who are going to live on. Guys, we gotta make sure this does not happen to us.
Dennis: Yeah, that's the important thing here. We need to focus on ourselves.

Dennis: I'm not letting you in pig. When I show up to work everybody will be like, why is there blood all over you? Because I had to slit the guy's throat who causes all this traffic.

[Dee and Dennis are behind the bar]
Handsome: No, we're waiting for the cute one.
Dee: What cute one?

Mac: Yeah, I would never say it to his face, but Dennis has great thighs.

Mac: [listening to Frank's Vietnamese music] This music sounds like whales raping each other.

Charlie: When was the last time we played Night Crawlers together, Frank?
Dennis: Uhh. What's-what's that?
Charlie: Well, it's... not about you. Why don't you just write it down?

The: Okay... I'm reading the words that *someone else* wrote. 'Kay? I don't know your mom, never met your mom. In fact, I'm certainly not speaking to your mom now, because *she's dead*.

Charlie: Remember when we made the news show for eighth grade for social studies, dude?
Mac: See, that was real news.
Charlie: Yeah, we didn't distort facts. We told it like it was, you know?
Mac: Yes.
Dennis: Yeah, I remember that video. You guys were burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats.

Dee: [ambushing the waitress and Brad] Is it a yes or a no 'cause you're kinda holding up traffic here, it's just- it's rude.

Trevor: I didn't know I was being filmed!
Dennis: If you're in my room, you're always being filmed.

Mac: Frank, put the gun away.
Frank: Oh, no! I'm goin' out, I'm goin' guns blazin'.

Tommy: You're ugly.
Charlie: You're ugly.
Tommy: You're ugly!
Charlie: You are the one that's ugly!
Dee: Charlie, Jesus Christ! Are you almost 30? Are you almost 30 years old?
Charlie: Yes.
Tommy: You have to buy me a toy.
Charlie: I don't have to buy you shit!
Tommy: If you don't buy me anything, I'm gonna telly my mom you took me to a black people's hospital!

Mac: This time it'll be you and I that bang the strippers.
Charlie: Right. Why do you want to bang them, oh, because it's 2006 and you're still into women. Crazy
Mac: Huh?

Dennis: And by the way, the tattoo, the -- can we talk about that? The shamrock tattoo?
Mac: You wanna see it?
[he unzips his pants]
Dennis: No, I don't wanna see it, goddamn it!
Charlie: NO!
Dennis: You're getting rid of all the other tattoos, and not the worst tattoo?
Charlie: You're keeping the shamrock?
Dennis: I want it gone. We want it gone!
Charlie: It's bad tattoo, Mac.
Mac: [angry] So you thought you'd just unravel my entire identity?
Dennis: We didn't unravel anything!
Charlie: Nothing's unraveled! You're still you! You've always been you!
Mac: Fine, you know what? You take that liquid meat bodybag and you get it up the goddamn hill by yourself, 'cause I'm out!
[he stomps away down the hill]
Dennis: Is he gonna get rid of the tattoo?
Charlie: He's not gonna get rid of it.
[yells after Mac]
Charlie: Are you getting rid of the tattoo?
Dennis: Are you gonna get rid of the tattoo?
Mac: I'm gonna get another shamrock tattoo on the other leg!
Dennis: Don't you dare!
Mac: Oh, I'm gonna do it!
Dennis: Don't you dare get another shamrock tattoo, you son of a bitch!

Dennis: Put it this way, if the two of us didn't come together what if one of us were to get into a jam? It'd be silly not to have the other one there.
Mac: Silly? Dennis, that sounds downright dangerous.

Frank: No! We can't go out like that. Look, if life pushes you down you gotta push back! If you've been dealt a bunch of lemons, you've got to take those lemons and push them down someones throat until they see yellow! And if some punk ass kid humiliates you, you've got to do the only thing thats left to do!

Dennis: You have a system where you come in after Mac?
Frank: That's right. I come in after Mac, but he's taking like forever this time. I got my magnum condoms. I got my wad of hundreds. I'm ready to plow.

[Charlie, Frank and Dee are fighting over Valentine's Day, and Dennis has had enough]
Dennis: STOP! STOP! STOP! What are you... What are you guys DOING? This is NUTS! THIS IS CRAZY! I can't believe we blew another opportunity to have a working bar, to have a successful business together, because you assholes get so worked up over Valentine's Day, the DUMBEST holiday that ever existed!
Charlie: But I thought you were trying to get us to focus on ourselves and focus on Valentine's Day...
Dennis: WHAT? Are you insane? All I've been saying is to please focus on the bar! But you just couldn't do it!
Dee: Dennis, I gotta say, I feel like this is just about something else...
Dennis: It's not about something else, it's...
Frank: The bar is fine. Something else is up...
Charlie: You know what it is? This is 'cause you hate Valentine's Day.
Dennis: It's not 'cause I hate Valentine's Day, it's because I -- I just...
[stammers]
Frank: That's what it is. He's trying to distract us from Valentine's Day. That's the thing.
Dee: You know why though? You guys, it's because he doesn't have any feelings. And we do.
Charlie: That's it! Yeah, because we have feelings, and you don't! And that's why you hate Valentine's Day!
Dennis: NO! STOP! GODDAMN IT!
[everybody else shuts up]
Dennis: I hate Valentine's Day because you assholes never got me anything! Okay, and I have feelings! Of course I have feelings! I have big feelings, okay? And it hurts. Okay? So... So that's why I hate Valentine's Day, and that's why I put anthrax in the box.
Dee: That was you?
Dennis: Yes, it was me. I just... I just wanted it to stop! It's powdered sugar, by the way... Oh, he's already eating it.
Frank: [eating the powdered sugar] I knew that.

Sal: Explain to me why my wife is calling me telling me that one of Pussy Hands' friends tried to force himself on her.
Mac,7309: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Anthony: This guy?
Mac: Oh! Oh! That's crazy!
Anthony: Enough with the "oh"s!

Shady: Men are such pricks.
Dee: Oh, tell me about it.
Shady: I bet you're real tired of them pushing you around.
Dee: Oh God, you have no idea.
Shady: If only there was a way that you could be physically tough enough to intimidate men...
Dee: I'm sorry. Do I know you?
Shady: Let's just say that I provide a much needed service around this place. Step into the shadows and, uh, we'll talk.

Dee: So, Artemis, the last time we talked I know things got a little weird, with you licking my brother's face and all. But I need your help with an acting gig, my friend is really dragging me down.
Artemis: What's the venue?
Dee: A sidewalk.
Artemis: I don't do sidewalks.
Dee: That's what I thought. But if you think about it, it's the only true form of artistic expression.
Artemis: Is there any nudity involved?
Dee: No.
Artemis: Can there be?
Dee: No
Artemis: I'll do it anyways.

Bored: [blows whistle] Aids, everybody out.

Charlie: Look how much fun they're having, man.
Mac: Of course they are, they haven't realized how much life sucks yet.

Dennis: You don't snoop and sneak and appear from behind cars!
Frank: I'm sorry, I had something important to tell you guys.
Dennis: We just ran over our friend with a car, what could be more important than that?
Frank: Try this on for size... You're mother's dead.
Dee: ...What?... Oh, no...
Frank: ...No, she's not dead. We're getting divorced though.

Dennis: Give me dong, or give me death.

Dennis: [pretending he and Mac are a gay couple] I'm the breadwinner in the relationship.
Mac: And I'm the trophy husband. He's my bottom.
Dennis: Oh! Well, I'm the power bottom. Technically, I generate most of the power.
Mac: Only because I'm giving out so much power from the top.

Mac: Anyway, wanna roll? I, uh, got us some music. I made this Creed mix.
Dennis: Oh, uh, Creed, huh?
Mac: Yeah, it's a long commute, so...
Dennis: Yeah, I was thinking more, like, Bryan Adams.

Charlie: [about Mac's phallic clay design] Love?
Mac: Yeah because I was making Cupid's arrow, dude.
Charlie: Why does it have a big vein running through it?
Mac: Because that's the streak as it flies through the air.

Dennis: Okay, listen. Here's the deal. Uh, I'm gonna bang her tonight, probably around 10:30 or so. Now, I really don't wanna do that. So all you have to do to stop me is call my cell phone, by 10:30, and say "Dennis, you don't have to do Charlie Work anymore".
Charlie: You're not gonna get away with this.
Dennis: Oh yeah, I will. I'll get away with it. 10:30, okay?
[Dennis opens door]
Dennis: [whispers] 10:30.
Charlie: [after Dennis leaves] Gonna blackmail me? You gonna blackmail me, Dennis Reynolds?
[Charlie angrily smashes his house of cards]

Dee: What does the other sign say?
Mac: No minorities allowed

Frank: Banging your sister is perverted, Dennis!

Mac: This office sucks.
Dee: It smells bad and it's stuffy in here.
Dennis: Yeah, it's the Restaurant and Bar Association; it's a stuffy organization. They're not in touch with the young people like us.
Dee: Some old boner gives me attitude, I'm gonna spit in his face.
Dennis: If he starts giving me shit, I'll spit at him.
Mac: We should all spit.
Frank: Look, we're not spitting, all right?

Mac: Unemployment runs out, what are you gonna do then?
Dennis: Well then we'll just go on welfare.
Mac: Welfare is for people who need it, like drug addicts and single mothers. It's not for over privileged pieces of shit who want to waste millions in taxpayer dollars...
Dennis: [turns music on and begins singing] OH BABY YOU/ YOU GOT WHAT I NEEEEEDD!

Dennis: Oh, you better have a good reason for getting us outta bed this early, jerk.
Frank: I got a goddamn great reason for gettin' you out of bed. This bar is hemorrhaging money!
Charlie: You gotta spend money to make money. Economics 101, dude.
Frank: You're bleeding us to death! Especially with that company credit card you got.
Mac: Uh, that is for business expenses, Frank. Everything on there is a business expense.
Frank: Who spent $500 for laser hair removal?
Dennis: Right over here, Slick. Don't wanna have hair down there, know what I'm sayin'?
Frank: Who spent $5,000 for a samurai sword?
Mac: [raises hand] Your head of security.
Charlie: Yeah, just wait till he saves your life one day with it.
Frank: $6,000 on a camcorder!
Dee: Well, I've decided what I'm gonna do is I'm going to take all those hilarious characters that I've been creating over the past several years. I'm gonna put 'em on tape, I'm gonna put 'em on YouTube. That way I can get discovered by like a casting director or a producer. I get some kind of a TV development deal.
Dennis: Yeah, right, so the point is, Frank, is that these are all business expenses. I mean, some are definitely more realistic than others...
Charlie: [points to Dee] Yeah, not that one.
Dennis: No, not at all, but nonetheless I believe bought as a business expense.
Frank: They're not business expenses! What *I* bought is a business expense. What I bought is somethin' that's gonna save our asses!
Dennis: [mockingly] Okay. Yeah, all right.
Charlie: All right, what d'ya get?
Frank: I bought a billboard!
[cue: "America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest"]

Mac: I've changed my mind, I'm playing the Nightman!
Dennis: Why would you wanna play the Nightman?
Mac: The Nightman's badass, dude. He has the eyes of a cat and does karate across the stage.
Charlie: Where are you getting that from? Karate?
Mac: I made that up, man. It's gonna be great.
Dennis: This is great. That frees up the Lead Boy role and the Dayman role. I can play both those.
Charlie: No, I don't want you guys switching roles. That's not how it works.
Mac: Hey Frank, you got a guy that does cat eyes?
Frank: [on phone] I'm already on it.

Dee: What is the point of this stupid dumb-ass experiment anyway?

Frank: There's broken glass everywhere.
Mac: Broken glass? Oh, my God, I think you found Charlie's bad room.
Frank: What the hell is that?
Mac: It's where Charlie goes to think and break bottles. Dude, you gotta get out of there. He's going to find you.

Pimp: [spotting Dee in her skimpy outfit] Damn, girl! Who you wit?
Dee: I think you have the wrong idea. I'm not with anybody.
Pimp: Word. Well, lookee here: Maybe if you get up off that crack rock, you can come and be Pepper Jack's best ho.
Dee: Oh, I'm not on any crack rock. I mean... Okay, one time I was hooked on the crack rock. That was because I was trying to get on welfare and I failed a drug test. But that stuff, you gotta be careful. It'll mess you... Why are you asking? Do you have some on you?

Mac: Is there anything that you want to tell the world, Irvene?
Irvene: My grandson's birthday's on Friday.
Mac: No, no, is there anything about this place that you don't like?
Irvene: ...The blacks.
Mac: Cut!

Dee: What the shit is this?
Charlie: Uh, Cheech over here bought himself a bong.
Frank: [taking a massive bong rip] Holy shit Deandra, this is wacky. I want you to go download me a hoagie off the internet.
Dee: I'm sorry? Those words don't make any s- sense... Oh God, you guys... Oh, weird, I feel weird.
Mac: Rip another one, bro.
Charlie: Yeah, say something else stupid too.
Dee: My arm's kinda numb. Dennis, can you feel my head? Is it hot, am I hot?
Dennis: I'm not touching you.
Dee: I'm serious you guys, something's not right. I...
Frank: You think there's bitches in the bar?
Mac: What?
Frank: Bitches in the bar.
Dee: I feel like... I'm being really serious you guys, I need some help...
[faints]
Dennis: Uh God, what is her problem?
Charlie: I don't know.
[cue title "Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack"]

Principal: It's school policy that no one should paint their face, so that's the rule and that's the end of that.
Charlie: That's the rule.
Principal: Yeah.
Charlie: No wiggle room there?
Principal: No.
Charlie: Alright tell ya what, I'll take him down to the locker room, I'll lather him up real good, I'll strip all these silly ass clothes off him, I'm gonna clean him, sparkling clean brand new kid for ya.
Principal: No, no, please don't bathe the students.
Charlie: Heh, you're right. He's a big man, he can bathe himself, can't ya, Rich? Alright, he's bathing himself and I'm watching. Let's go, Richie.

Dennis: What the hell is going on?
Charlie: That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because Maureen Kanallen said that she saw Tammy flirting with Walt Timny at a party, but she was only doing it to make Trey jealous because you know, she thought that Trey secretly liked Erin Henebry, but he doesn't like Erin Henebry, it was all a bunch of bull.
Dee: [wanders over] What is happening?
Charlie: That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because...
Mac: Okay, you know what, Charlie? You gotta stop, honestly.

Tabitha: You know, I do offer group therapy.
Charlie: Yeah...
Dennis: What are you doing?
Dee: What is this you're doing?
Dennis: What is that? What is that?
Tabitha: With all due respect, you're talking about bringing guns to an intervention, and you're drinking wine out of a soda can.
Dee: [smiling] Yeah.
Dennis: Oh, you put wine in the soda can? That's good.
Dee: You didn't know, did you? Soda.
Charlie: You stole Frank's idea.
Dee: Yeah, yeah, actually it's a pretty good one.
Charlie: It's a good idea. I mean, the guy's got great ideas.
Dee: He's a smart man. That's not what we're here about.
Charlie: But I do feel like she just tried an intervention on us.
Dennis: Did you intervene on us? Is that what that was? You know what I'm feeling? I'm feeling like you've lost control of the room here and, really, we're the ones that are running things now.
Dee: I've lost my trust in you. I feel like we can do this on our own.
Dennis: I think we can do the intervention on our own without her.
Charlie: You guys think?
Dee: Why not?
Charlie: All right, might as well give it a shot.
Dennis: Let's just do that.
Dee: Thank you.
Charlie: Thanks for your help. You did your best. Uh, no hard feelings. I'm gonna grab some of this literature too.
Dennis: She didn't do that great of a job.
Charlie: No, I mean, don't beat her while she's down, man.

Charlie: Trust in God, he'll give you shoes!

Waitress: I wrote down my phone number. Please. Please, Charlie. Please don't make me regret giving this to you.
Charlie: No, absolute... absolutely not. No, this will be a platonic sponsor-sponsoree kind of thing.
[waitress gives Charlie her phone number]
Charlie: [upon reading it, muttering to himself] Oh. No shit! I was so close.

Charlie: [wearing garbage bag and rubber gloves] I'm sorry for your loss.

Dennis: How are we doing over here?
Dee: Uh... Not well. This is ridiculous. People are definitely starting to notice.
Dennis: Of course they're starting to notice. There's a grown man crammed inside of a couch for Christ's sake. They're going to notice. So let's just talk to somebody. Can you grab that guy?
Dee: [to two office workers] Hey you two!
Dennis: Heyyyyy! So how we doing at the Christmas party? We having a good time?
Woman Office Worker: Yes, great time.
Dee: Great! So, uh... Frank Reynolds?
[makes thumbs down motion]
Dennis: Oh yeah, we were just talking about him. He's the worst, huh?
Woman Office Worker: Do... Do you work here?
Dennis: ...Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. We hop around. Consultationists. So we consult here... we consult across the street too...
Man: Is there a man in that couch?
Dennis: Ha ha! What are you saying? A man in a couch? That's absurd!
Man: No, I believe there's a man in that couch right there!
Dennis: There is no man! There's no man! Say something things about Frank Reynolds, say them loud, and make sure they're horrible horrible things, then we'll deal with the man in the couch!
Man: Okay, so there is a man in the couch!
Dee: All right, just call Frank Reynolds an asshole!
Man: Who is Frank Reynolds?
Dennis: He's the man in the couch!
Woman Office Worker: Oh, my God! What are you people doing?
Dennis: Would you just say something about Frank that's horrible? Call him an asshole!
Woman Office Worker: Frank Reynolds is an asshole!
[Frank tears a hole in the couch and climbs out naked and sweaty]

Frank: It's just maybe - I think you're too old for me.
Angie: Frank, I'm two years younger than you.
Frank: That's what I'm talking about.

Lefty: Friday is the day that we may or may not be forced to chop your limbs off and distribute them evenly amongst your friends and your family.

Maureen: What do you think about this?
[shows off a diamond in her dead tooth]
Frank: [in disgust] Ho! Ho! It wafted over here, the dead tooth... It's burning my nose. It stinks.

Frank: [looking for someone via MySpace so he can kill him] Shit! He hasn't accepted my friend request!
Charlie: Relax, Frank. Sometimes it takes a while.
Frank: It's been days! I have no friends!
Charlie: Would you stop saying that? You have friends.
Frank: Yeah, I got you, I got this guy, Tom, and this crazy lady who claims we had a one-night-stand 30 years ago.
Charlie: Yeah, but Tom doesn't really count. He sort of comes with it.

Charlie: It's a one-time flip. We'll go to your - that shady guy, Bingo, that you know. We'll say, "Here's a pile of drugs. Give us some money." And then...
Frank: Uh-huh. Oh, no, no, no. You don't go to Bingo. Bingo is my contact.

Dee: [reading Mac's letter to Chase Utley] Dear Chase, I feel like I can call you Chase because you and me are so alike. I'd like to meet you one day, it would be great to have a catch. I know I can't throw as fast as you but I think you'd be impressed with my speed. I love your hair, you run fast. Did you have a good relationship with your father? Me neither. These are all things we can talk about and more. I know you have no been getting my letters because I know you would write back if you did. I hope you write back this time, and we can become good friends. I am sure our relationship would be a real home run!

Dennis: Tough titties.

Dennis: [trying to persuade a bank clerk to give them a loan] You know, I just had a crazy thought. How's about I take you to the back and "change your mind"?
Charlie: Or how about we all go in the back and have great sex?
Dennis: What are you doing?
Charlie: Hm? I'm playing the wild card here, man, so...
Mac: No, dude. Just let Dennis do his thing, okay?
Charlie: I can be very sensual with a woman, all right? You will enjoy it.
Dennis: Now is not the right time to pull the wild card, okay? Let me do my thing. Let me do the seducing.
Mac: Look, let Dennis bang her so we can get our loan.
Charlie: Well, here's a scenario. What if she wanted to bang me, or you for that matter...
Dennis: You can't pull the wild card when I already have my shirt off. That should be a rule. Can that be a rule?
Mac: Yes, that's a rule.
Charlie: Well, your shirt's not off.
Dennis: [takes off shirt] Well, now it is, goddammit, bitch. Back off.
Charlie: Oh, yeah?
[takes off shirt]
Charlie: Oh, wow, now, baby!
Dennis: Come on, man! This is my job!
Mac: [takes off shirt] Now I feel like I should do it.
Dennis: What are you doing? Goddammit. Well, okay, so...
Mac: Why don't you decide? Which one of us do you want to take you in the back and bang you?

Dennis: What did you say about the money?
Frank: I'm giving it all away.
Dee: That is a very stupid thing to do.
Dennis: You're a very stupid, stupid man.

Frank: We're sittin' around here practicing like a bunch of pansies. We should be out gettin' wasted and breaking shit.
Mac: Frank's absolutely right. How can we be rock stars if we're not living like rock stars?

[the waitress overhears Charlie saying something racist]
Waitress: Coffee, Hitler? I'll be sure to put lots of cream in that for you.
Charlie: No, I'm not Adolf Hitler.

Dee: You know what, I gotta be honest with you, I think these supplements are doing a great job on their own, you know what I mean? I got tons of energy, my heart rates up, things are going great...
Dennis: Absolutely. I feel great too. Look how vascular I am, look at how my veins are poppin'.
Dee: Holy shit.
Dennis: Yeah, I look good AND I feel good.
Dee: I feel good too apart from the recent bounds of explosive diarrhea.
Dennis: Oh. You've been having diarrhea?
Dee: Oh God, all over the place.
Dennis: Really? Well you know what that is, that's probably your body flushing out all the toxins.
Dee: You think so?
Dennis: I do think so yeah, yeah. I on the other hand have not taken a shit in days.
Dee: Days?
Dennis: Days.
Dee: That doesn't sound good.
Dennis: Oh, no it's good. My body's working at 100% efficiency. Yeah, my body is absorbing every single nutrient and it's not wasting a single thing.
Dee: Your body is taking it's job very seriously.
Dennis: My body's doing it's job like it's never done it before.

Frank: Asians love gambling.

Artemis: Hey, did he send you any dick pics? 'Cause it could be a mess down there.
Dee: Okay, for the love of God, please don't ask him about his dick.
Artemis: Okay, have it your way. I'll figure it out soon enough.

Charlie: [singing with his band] Night Man, sneaky and mean / Spider inside my dreams / I think I love you / You make me want to cry / You make me want to die / I love you / I love you / I love you / I love you / I love you Night Man / Every night you come into my room and pin me down / With your strong arms you pin me down / And I try to fight you / You come inside me / And fill me up and I become the...
Mac: [cuts him off] Whoa whoa, Charlie. Okay the first part of that song was kinda cool but what's up with the second part?
Charlie: Well it's about the Night Man and how he comes inside me and I like become him, you know I become the spirit of the Night Man
Mac: Yeah? Cause it sounds like a song where a guy breaks into your house and rapes you!
Charlie: What? No. Where are you getting that from? Here' let me play the rest
[starts singing again]
Charlie: It's just two men sharing the night/ It might seem wrong but it's just right/ It's just two men sharing each other/ It's just two men like loving brothers/ One on top and one on bottom/ One is inside and one is out/ One is screaming he's so happy/ The other's screaming a passionate shout/ It's the Night Man/ The feeling so wrong and right man/ The feeling so wrong and... / I can't fight you Night Man when you come inside me and pin me down with your strong hands and I become the niiiiiiight/ The passionate, passionate Night Man!

Frank: Ah! Rum ham! Rum ham! Oh, rum ham!

Mac: [about M. Night Shyamalan] He always puts some like awesome twist at the end of his movies to trick the audience.
Charlie: Aw yeah, yeah, like in The Sixth Sense you find out that the dude in that hair piece the whole time, that's Bruce Willis the whole movie.

Charlie: [struggling to carry his father's body up the mountain alone, Charlie collapses from exhaustion] GODDAMN IT!
[he sits up on his knees]
Charlie: I can't do this! I'm sorry, Dad. I can't do it. This isn't fair! I shouldn't have to carry you up this hill.
[he wipes his eyes]
Charlie: You never carried me up a hill! You never picked me up from school, you didn't read me bedtimes stories, you didn't carry me on your shoulders, you didn't bounce me on... You weren't there! AND I NEEDED YOU!
[crying]
Charlie: I needed you there!
[thunder crashes in the background]
Charlie: You were supposed to carry me! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO CARRY ME!
[he completely breaks down sobbing]
Charlie: Ah, Frank's right, I'm glad you're dead. I'm glad you're dead! Now I don't have to spend the rest of my life waiting for you to pick me up!

Frank: I'm the Trash Man! I come out, I throw trash all over the- all over the ring! And then I start eatin' garbage! And then I pick up the trash can, and I bash the guy on the head.

Charlie: We can't talk about snakes or smells, what else is there?
Mac: Uh, can you put Jews in the "yes" column? I feel like we gotta get it out in the open.

Frank: Charlie, you've got a lot of balls stealing my money. This shows leadership. I am promoting you to management.
Charlie: That's why I did it. That is why I did it.
Mac: That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?
Frank: You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.
Dee: How come Charlie...? Not fair... How come Charlie...?
Dennis: Why would you do this to us, Dad?
Frank: Because you are crackheads, children.

Charlie: Dude, you could totally chop a camel in its hump and drink all its milk off the... off the tip of this thing, man!

Dennis: The crabs have machine guns. That makes sense.

Charlie: The Mexicans predicted that the world was gonna end in 2012.

Charlie: Ok, I'll tell you what. Let's throw a flaming bag of poop through their window.
Mac: What? Why?
Charlie: They stamp it out, get poop all over their shoes.
Mac: What in the hell is that going to accomplish?
Charlie: Poop on their shoes. Their shoes, dude.
Mac: Are you retarded? Are you a retarded person?
Charlie: Poop on the shoes, man!

Mac: You know what, man? I'm kicking it up a notch.We're haunting these bitches.
Charlie: Haunting is cool, man.
Mac: Boom! Coming back from the grave, bitch.
Charlie: Alright, that's cool. That's cool. What is this? What're you doing, like Poltergeist or something?
Mac: Awesome, right? Craig T. Nelson!
Charlie: No, no. Craig T. Nelson is the best, dude, but Poltergeist?
Mac: Yeah, what?
Charlie: It's not scary. It's all about psychological damage. Big deal, look it me. Psychological damage up to here. It doesn't do anything for me, you know? Physical damage, that's what's gonna irritate people.
Mac: Yeah, alright, what do you suggest?
Charlie: Well, I mean, with anything maybe we tie some knives to our fingers and we get a little more serious about this whole murder thing.
Mac: Yeah, haunting.
Charlie: Haunting, right.
Mac: We're gonna haunt them.
Charlie: I'm sorry, I was thinking...

Mac: Charlie, this is our opportunity to prove to people that we are to be respected. No one is more respected than dudes in prison right?
Charlie: Yeah.
Mac: And what are dudes in prison?
Charlie: Hard?
Mac: Right; this is our chance to get hard.
Charlie: OK OK i just don't know if this is the best way to get hard.
Mac: Of course it is, this is totally hard. Look you want to get hard don't you?
Charlie: I want to get hard. I want to get very very hard.
Mac: Alright, do you want to shove heroin into your ass?
Charlie: Dude I don't want to shove anything in my ass.
Mac: Alright this is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are and not have to shove anything into our asses.
Frank: What in Gods name are you two talking about?
Mac: Frank we're in.
Frank: Great!
[Fires Gun]

Charlie: Hey Ry, how you feeling? Hey, look man, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but if your not too busy showering in your brother's urine or plotting your revenge against me, would you mind lighting my cigarette?
[Charlie laughs]
Charlie: Thanks, bro! Hey Liam, I'm sorry I sent you to jail, man. But any time you want to stab me would be great for me!
[Liam stabs him with a fork]
Charlie: Ahhh! Ohh!
Liam: That's what you get, Charlie! You get fork stabbed!

Dennis: [on phone] Yeah, all right, well, what was the name on the order?
[laughs]
Dennis: Spider-Man. That's very clever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Frank: Dennis, ask him how it's possible for him to talk to you through a cut phone wire.
Dennis: How is it possible for you to talk to me through a cut ph...
Frank: [holds up cord] I cut it when I found the pizza.
Charlie: Holy shit. Dennis is Spider-Man.

Dennis: I will rate every single woman in this restaurant!

Dee: Charlie, what in the hell are you gonna do if this kid's yours?
Charlie: Oh, I don't know, I'll probably, uh, kill myself.

[Frank's fooling around with a laser pointer during a movie]
Mac: Shine it on his dick, shine it on his dick!

Frank: What, you put the moves on him?
Dee: First of all, gross, I don't think you're supposed to whore out your kids. Second of all, that guy is a really good person and I've treated him like shit for his whole life. For once I'm going to do the right thing.
Frank: He thinks you're too old, huh?
Dee: God Damn it. Why do I speak to you? Ever?

Judge: [Mac and Dennis are doing push-ups] All right, enough! Stop it!
Dennis: All right. But you get my point, Your Honor, and you could see that Mac was slowing down at the end there.
Mac: What?
Dennis: And let the record show that that is because he only works out his glamour muscles.

Jojo: [using the "guilt stresser" machine] Where do my feet go? Dee?
Charlie: Dee, his feet?
Dee: It doesn't make a goddamn difference.

Artemis: Frank needed someone to replicate Charlie's small and malnourished turd. And that's where he came across his old friend, Rickety Cricket. Known the world over for his ability to replicate any man's stool. Cricket came back and committed fecal forgery.

Mac: The only way that my dad is not going to kill us is if he thinks we're already dead.
Charlie: Oh, great, I hope you'd say that. Great, let's kill ourselves. Let's do it.

Sweet: Well, we'll just go back to work for a little while.
Dennis: Just for a little while until we have enough money to buy some more crack.
Sweet: And then we'll go on welfare and I'll go be a star.
Dennis: And then I can be a veterinarian of some kind...
Sweet: Maybe we should think about rehab.
Dennis: We should hit rehab as soon as possible.
Sweet: Soon, in a couple days. Not now.
Dennis: Yeah...

Charlie: All I'm saying is that slaves is not a racist term. Look throughout history many people have been slaves. There have been Jewish slaves, Italian slaves, Asian slaves.
Mac: Yes Charlie but you have to realize that in this country it's a sensitive issue.

Dee: [drops a bag of Oxycontin on the pool table] Boom.
Frank: What am I supposed to do with that?
Mac: You tell us.
Charlie: Bingo told us you know how to sell those drugs.
Frank: I told you not to involve me in that! Did you mention my name?
Dennis: First thing we did.
Dee: You gonna harp on it all day?
Frank: Goddammit! The guy's gonna skin me alive.
Charlie: He is gonna skin you alive.
Dee: Yeah, he mentioned something about it.
Dennis: Will you just pay the mob off so we don't have to sell these pills?
Frank: Dennis, I am not using any more of my money!
Dennis: The mob is gonna kill us, man!
Frank: Look, if I cave on this, I'm gonna be bailing you guys out for the rest of my life. I'm putting my foot down on this one. You bitches gotta earn your own money!

Charlie: [after informing a rival bar that the gang poisoned them 10 years ago to win a flip-cup tournament] Check it out... Who's to say we didn't put that very same poison in the drinking water?
Mac: [customers begin spitting out water] Everybody relax. He's lying. He doesn't have any poison.
Charlie: No, I don't have any on me. But I do keep some in my fridge at home in the relish jar.
Frank: There's poison in that jar? I thought I was allergic to pickles.
[pause]
Frank: What's in the jar with the skull and crossbones?
Charlie: Well, that's mayonnaise. That's a decoy.
Frank: And the mayo?
Charlie: That's shampoo.
Frank: You're telling me I've been putting shampoo on my sandwiches?
Charlie: If you're using the mayonnaise, yeah... probably.

Mac: What in the hell is a MySpace page?
Dee: It's like that friends forum.
Dennis: Dude, these things are actually pretty awesome. You create a profile, and then you put your picture on there, and then other people send you pictures of themselves and they want to be your friend.
Mac: Wow, so that's the saddest thing I've ever heard. You guys are losers.
Dennis: How are we losers, dude?
Mac: Well, maybe it boils down to this, smart guy: computers are for losers.
Dennis: And you're drinking a beer at 8 o'clock in the morning.
Mac: Whatever, dude, irrelevant.

Dennis: There's this guy, Bruce, who contacted Dee on MySpace, and he's claiming to be our biological father.
Dee: We just wanted to ask the question and just get it out of the way, is there a chance that that could be possible?
Frank: No.
Barbara: Yes.
Frank: What?
Barbara: Well, Bruce who? Bruce Mathis?
Dee: Yeah.
Barbara: Then yes.
Dee: There's a chance this guy could be our father?
Barbara: No, yes, he *is* your father.
Frank: What the hell are you talking about?
Barbara: Do we really have to get into all of this?
Frank: Yes, we really have to get into all of this!
Dennis: [overlapping] Oh, my god, yes!
Barbara: Fine, fine, fine! Everybody settle down. It's not the end of the world. A long time ago, I met Bruce and we had this little affair, or whatever you want to call it. Long story short: he got me pregnant and I had to make a decision. Seeing as he had no money, I decided that the best thing for everyone was if I didn't tell Bruce and let your father think that the twins were his. End of story.
Dennis: [shocked] End of story?
Frank: How could you do that?
Barbara: I'm sorry. Would you rather I had them aborted?
[to Dennis and Dee]
Barbara: Children, would you like to have been aborted?

Charlie: Domino, biatch!

Dennis: I want to scratch everybody's eyes OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS!

Mac: "Looking for a new hotspot to spot that stud? Well, Paddy's Irish Pub will plug that hole."
Charlie: Well, that's a good notice.
Mac: No, that is not a good notice. I don't want to be plugging anyone's holes.

[as Mac and Dennis fight, the doorbell rings]
Dennis: Well, it must be nosy Wally, coming to see what all the fighting's about. Well, why don't we show him what all the fighting's about?
[He picks up a poker and wields it threateningly]
Dennis: Why don't we show him right now!
Mac: Wait, Dennis! Dennis, calm down!
Dennis: Don't you tell me to calm down!
[the smoke detector chirps]
Mac: There's that chirping again! How are you not hearing that?
Dennis: News flash, asshole! I've been hearing it the entire goddamn time!
Mac: Then why wouldn't you say something?
Dennis: Because i hate you!

Frank: [Playing a drinking game to name all fifty states with Mac and Dee] Jesus Christ! You guys are gonna be hammered by the time I finish naming the east coast!

Frank: This is a brilliant idea, hobovertising! Come on it looks good, beer 'em

Charlie: Why don't I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fire off into Jobland where jobs grow on jobbies.

Warden: Mr. Kelly, you said that the defendant threatened that if you didn't, and I quote, "Stick things up your butt, he would rape your butt until the room stinks, and then he would eat your butt and his son's butt until his stomach was... full of butt."

Charlie: [at gunpoint] Okay, don't shoot, okay? Just take whatever you want.
Mac: Yeah, take the cash register!
Dennis: Take the girl!
Dee: What do you mean take the girl?
Dennis: Don't argue with him, just go!
Charlie: He's right. You better just go with them!
Dee: But they're not trying to take me anywhere!
Mac: Don't try to be a hero, Dee, just do what they say!
Dee: They're not saying anything!
Charlie: Well, what's the sense? If you keep arguing with them then we're all gonna die!

Dee: [to Frank] Why can't you die and leave us your money like normal parents of America?

Charlie: So, we got ourselves a little Mexican girl here and I'm thinking, well, what does a little Mexican girl love more than anything else in the world?
Dennis: Mmm, tacos.
Charlie: Tacos, buddy! So, why not make for her a taco bed? You know what I mean?
Dennis: Okay!
Charlie: She gets to, like, be in a taco every day. So, okay, I got yellow sheets. That's cheese. Green, guacamole. A red little pillow for salsa. And I got these cute little brown pjs so that she gets to feel like ground meat while she's sleeping.
Dennis: Ah, she's the ground meat in the middle.
Charlie: She's the ground meat in the middle!

Charlie: You know there was a time where I'd help you raise this little dumpster baby brother of mine like a son. But that's gone now 'cause you ruined it. You threw your babies away. And you threw your swords away. You threw your golf clubs and your tasty treats! And ya know what? I found 'em. And I'm gonna raise all of them!

[Flip Flop Kid runs up to Dennis with a soda in his hand]
Dennis: What the hell is that?
Flip: I don't know.
Dennis: It's diet.
Flip: Oh.
Dennis: Does it look like I need to be on a diet?
Flip: I don't know.
Dennis: Terrible. Take a lap.

[someone is robbing the bar and Dennis is about to shoot him]
Dee: [shouts] Shoot him in the face!

Stripper: Oh, look at you sweetie. What happened?
Charlie: [pretending to be a war veteran] Viet-goddamn-nam's what happened! Go get me a beer bitch!

Frank: Because poop is funny!

Mac: I'm telling you, this is the wrong kind of glue Charlie. This is made for, like, Kindergarteners. Look; "Non-toxic and safe," we don't want safe, we want toxic.

Charlie: We're both men of the law, you know? We get after it, you know, we jab a jaw, we go tit for tat, we have our little differences, but at the end of the day you win some, I win some, and there's a mutual respect left over between us.
Attorney: No, any respect that you're feeling that's coming from me is a mistake on your part.

Frank: Look at that, James Earl Jones is doing a great black face!
Dennis: James Earl Jones has a black face. He's a black man!
Frank: He's not black, he was Darth Vader!
Mac: Darth Vader was black.
Frank: No. Darth Vader was not black, they took the mask off, he was white! Look, look, we gotta agree on this: the whole idea is getting the right color shoe polish.

Mac: You're such a dildo, dude.
Dennis: Thanks dude, thanks. That's a good way to start the day.

Charlie: [Charlie and Dee examine bodies in a morgue] These are two dead bodies.
Dee: They're dead. Two dead guys.
Charlie: This is the real deal here.
Dee: [Examining African American specimen] I don't think I can eat this guy.
Charlie: I don't think I can, right? Why is that?
Dee: I don't know.
Charlie: It's not because he's black, though, right?
Dee: Of course not... I don't think so... No.
Charlie: It's because he's dead, right?
Dee: It's because he's dead, that's why not.
Charlie: Good, good, good.
[pause]
Charlie: I've got a question for you: is it racist if we don't eat this guy?
Dee: Well, shit, Charlie. Now it is.
Charlie: I'm sorry, Dee.
[walking over to white specimen]
Charlie: The white guy over here looks better to me for some reason.
Dee: So much better, doesn't he? What is that?
Charlie: You know what it is? Generally, I don't eat dark meat.
Dee: I prefer the white meat. I always have.
Charlie: It's not that guy. It's this guy.
Dee: The problem is: I'm gonna have a really hard time if we're both cannibals *and* we're racists.
Dee: We're not, Dee. Cannibalism? Racism? Dee, that's not for us. You know? Those are the decisions that are best left to the suits in Washington. Okay? We're just here to eat some dude.
Dee: You lost me with Washington, but the rest I agree with. So let's eat a peace of this guy.
Charlie: [long, apprehensive pause] I can't do it.
Dee: No. Me neither.
Charlie: The goods news is, I guess this means we're not racist.

Dee: I bet you wish you could win this pageant, don't you?
Justine: My mom says I'm not pretty enough.
Dee: Your mom doesn't know dick! She's a dumb fat cow. And your sister, she is a stupid little shit-mouth bitch, isn't she?
Justine: You just said a lot of bad words.

Philadelphia: So Mr. Reynolds, you're interested in buying our arena football team.
Frank: Big time! But I wanna do business with Mr. Von Joni himself.
Philadelphia: Bon Jovi.
Frank: Yeah, Mr. Bovine Joni himself. I'm offering $40 million for the team.
Philadelphia: Wow, well that is a very generous offer but, uh, I must admit I'm a little confused about one thing.
Frank: What's confusing about $40 million? That's a shitload of money.
Philadelphia: It is, it is. I'm a little confused as to why you've chosen to involve this gentleman here.
Mac: [in a wheelchair wearing a bald cap] Well, if I may, I'd like to explain to you why I'm here. Uh, ma'am, I am dying of very terminal cancer and I would like to request a private bedside concert from Mr. Bon Jovi. Now Sambora's presence is not necessary but it would be nice if he was involved. Question, is this a laser pointer?
Philadelphia: Yes.
Mac: Can I have it?
Philadelphia: No.
Mac: I'm gonna take it anyway.

Mac: I have an idea.
Frank: [turns in fear] Where did you come from?
Mac: Frank, I've been walking next to you this entire time.

Mac: We weren't expecting you to be black, that's all...

Charlie: So, we got ourselves a little Mexican girl here and I'm thinking, well, what does a little Mexican girl love more than anything else in the world?
Dennis: Mmm, tacos.
Charlie: Tacos, buddy! So, why not make for her a taco bed? You know what I mean?
Dennis: Okay!
Charlie: She gets to, like, be in a taco every day. So, okay, I got yellow sheets. That's cheese. Green, guacamole. A red little pillow for salsa. And I got these cute little brown pjs so that she gets to feel like ground meat while she's sleeping.
Dennis: Ah, she's the ground meat in the middle.
Charlie: She's the ground meat in the middle!

Trevor: [being danced on by Dee] I love how free and uninhibited you are.
Dee: [slurring words] Oh, yeah? How about I free that big fat snake in your pants and uninhibit myself all over it?
[belches]

Dennis: I beg you to stop using the constitution in the way that you're using it.

Frank: I went on a manhunt once. I just got back from Nam. I was hitchhiking through Oregon. Next thing I know there's a bunch of cops chasing after me through the woods! I had to take them all out, it was a bloodbath!
Mac: Dude that's Rambo.
Dennis: And that's not the first time you've compared yourself to Jon Rambo by the way.
Mac: You know what? This is making me think I could get on board with a manhunt.
Frank: NO! YOU DO NOT GO ON A MANHUNT!
Dennis: [Mac and Dennis start laughing hysterically] Screw you.

Mac: Charlie, are you okay?
Charlie: No, I'm not okay! I'm shot in the head!

Dennis: This ticket represents hope. Okay? Potential. Yeah? Promise. The very foundation upon which this group rest. Yeh?

Charlie: Alright. So what's the vig?
Frank: What?
Charlie: Yeah, man. What's the vig on this action?
Frank: Do you even know what VIG means?

Dee: Hey, you guys. Watch me bust out this sweet jackknife.
[body slams into pool with a loud smack]
Sean: Oh! Whoa! Are you okay!
Dee: [spitting out water and gasping for breath] Oh, I biffed that one, huh?
Sean: You "biffed" it?
Dee: Whoo! Thank God there wasn't a baby in there, huh?

Mac: I made you breakfast! I hope you like it crispy 'cause it is burned.
Donna: What is going on in here? How did you get in my house? Did you kick in my door?
Mac: Kick, yes. Kick in, no. That door is solid, which is the good news. The bad news is the window is not.

Frank: What the hell is that?
Mac: It's a baby we found in the trash.
Frank: Well, put it back. It doesn't belong to you.

Dennis: Hey, Frank, why do you have a truck full of water filters? All right, you know what, I don't give a shit. Let's get down to that rally, man.
Frank: Rally?
Dennis: Yeah.
Dee: Yes, the freedom rally, the one you organized.
Frank: Ooh, shit, I'm not gonna go down there. There's gonna be a buncha nuts with guns. Too dangerous.
Charlie: Wait, hold on a second, what's goin' on? I thought you were into guns, you know? Why have you been on TV talkin' about all that shit?
Frank: I bought a stake in Gunther's Guns. I got everybody angry and scared, they bought the guns, I made a fortune.
[he shrugs]
Dennis: Oh, my God, this is crazy. So you don't give a shit about the gun issue at all?
Frank: Ehhhh...
Dennis: I mean, what the hell? You're like the NRA.
Frank: Yeah, little bit like the NRA, little tiny bit. But I-I think of myself more like Al Gore, you know? He got everybody all worked up over global warming, then he made millions.
Mac: Huh?
Frank: Yeah, everybody does it. Liberals, conservatives, doesn't matter. This is America. You're either a duper, or a dupee. I'm a duper. You guys are the dupees.
[he smiles]

Mac: Who cares what Frank prefers? We're buying this food with his stolen credit card.
Waiter: And I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
[awkward pause]

Dennis: I'M A FIVE STAR MAN!

Frank: What's the situation?
Charlie: I got two cats stuck inside this wall, can't get 'em out.
Frank: Wanna bring in a third?
Charlie: I'm thinkin' maybe four.

Frank: Charlie is right. We should not be breakin' our own shit. We should be out there breakin' other people's shit. That's rock & roll.

Charlie: I'm in love with a man... a man called God.

Dee: [talking on the phone while on steroids] Yes dad, I know the fight is in a few hours, all right? I'm trying to find my goddamn head-band. Is that okay? Is that okay with you, if I find my head-band before I come down there? Is that all right with you dad? Jesus! Why didn't we get the orange one like I said? This one might as well be goddamn camoflaged!
[Dee punches her wall in rage]
Dee: [screaming] Oh, good! Are you happy now? I just punched a hole in my wall!

Grant: Name something that people are afraid of.
Frank: [clears throat] We're gonna go with...
Mac: Wait, wait, wait, Frank. You have to say it in the form of a question.
Frank: What is...?
Grant: No, you don't, you don't, you don't, you don't have to do that 'cause it's not Jeopardy. All right?
Mac: Ah, it's not Jeopardy. Say "show me," Frank.
Grant: Don't say "show me," Frank. Just say the word. Just say the word.
Frank: Show me clowns!

Charlie: I thought you said they didn't have alcohol. Look, they got screwdrivers.
Frank: Oh, no, Charlie, that's just orange juice.
Charlie: Orange juice, like the mixer?

Dennis: I can't... I'm sorry. I just... I don't get how it's dominant if they finished on each other.

Dee: [about Barbara's will] Does it say anything about jewelry?
The: It does say something about the jewelry in here in that, um, she wants to be buried in it.
Dee: Goddammit! Oh, goddammit!
Frank: Ohhh! She's taking it into the grave!
Dee: I'll tell you what, you son of a bitch. I am very disappointed in you today, *very* upset with you! You tell her from me that I will be in touch with her somehow!
Frank: Yeah, tell her she's a bitch!

Dennis: God dammit Jack Bauer, You really are the man.

Charlie: Remember how great high school was? All those parties, no responsibilities...
Mac: High school was the best.
Dennis: Do you guys even remember high school? I don't think it happened the way you think.
Mac: What do you mean?
Dennis: What I mean Mac, is that the only reason you got to hang out with me and the other cool kids is because you sold us all weed. Everybody thought that you were an asshole.
Mac: I was popular!
Charlie: What are you talking about? Mac was very popular. And I like to think that I was pretty popular myself.
Mac: You were!
Dennis: No, he was. You were popular like a... like a clown is popular.
Charlie: What?
Dennis: Yeah, you made us all laugh, and all the guys knew that you couldn't sleep with their girlfriends.
Mac: Whatever dude. The only reason you got laid is because you dated freshmen.
Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've always had that creepy thing with younger girls.
Dennis: I do not.
Charlie: You're not in high school anymore, pal. So you better keep it in your pants, because it's kind of creepy.
Dennis: You want to know what's creepy? You guys sniffing glue in your mom's basement, Charlie. That's creepy.
[Mac and Charlie become quiet]
Charlie: [after a long pause] Tim Murphy slept with your prom date.

Dee: Well, I'm going to go, at least one pro-choice voice will be heard.
Mac: One? There was, like, tons of those chicks at the last one.
Dennis: Which side had more?
Dee: Oh, which one do you think? I one that cares about protecting womens bodies or the one thats run by the religious right?
Dennis: Probably the side you're going to. I'm going to fight for the right to choose.

Mac: Hi, I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub. I like to recommend to our first timers our signature cocktail, Caribbean Paradise. Some people say it's better than busting a nut.
Customer: Excuse me?
Mac: Busting a nut. It's like, uh, you know, blowing your load.
Dennis: Oh...
Mac: He said it was a funny joke.
Dennis: Well, no... hold on.
Mac: Yeah, it's like coming all over you. It's light, it's playful.
Dennis: Yeah, well, no, I think what my friend is trying to refer to is an orgasm, which is light and playful, but he overstepped himself and got a little bit too specific.
Mac: Sorry, we jizz in the drink and that's what makes it light.
Dennis: No, no, nobody's jizzing on anything.
Mac: Well, where do I jizz?
Dennis: You don't jizz.
Mac: How can, how can I orgasm if I don't jizz?
Dennis: No, ma'am, I think what...
Mac: Just tell me where I jizz so I can give this lady her drink.
Dennis: Ma'am, what would you like to drink? And we won't jizz on anything.
Dee: Not like Mac's ever had an orgasm.
Dennis: Holy shit, you're late.

[Mac lets Charlie overhear Mac talking on the phone with a woman called Sandy, who unbeknownst to them is actually Dee disguising her voice]
Dee: This is Mac, right? Good looking guy, great sense of humor, really bulky.
Mac: Uh, more ripped.
Charlie: Strike that.
Mac: Jacked.
Charlie: Irrelevant.
Mac: Toned.
Charlie: Exaggeration.
Mac: I work out.
Charlie: I'll allow it.

Liam: So, do you want a beverage of some sort?
Charlie: No... where's your brother, dude?
Liam: We just stepped out of the shower. He'll be down in a minute.
Charlie: Alright, listen. You guys can't go... did you just say "we"?
Liam: What?
Charlie: Did you just say "We just stepped out of the shower"?
Liam: ... I said he.

Dennis: Because Dennis is a bastard man!

Dennis: How's it going with the wrath thing? You, uh, staying away from that?
Dee: Well, yeah, you know, I was trying, but there are certain See You Next Tuesdays on this ship that are making it very difficult.
Dennis: Mm, yeah, I feel ya. I'm-I'm already struggling with the lust thing. See this, uh, flaxen-haired seductress across the pool over here?
Dee: Dennis, she looks like she's 12 years old.
Dennis: No, she's of age. I checked. Well, she's galavanting around, you know, flaunting it for me, and she knows how easy it would be for me to have her, too, because of the implication. Not that you would understand. It's not what you think it is.
Dee: No, I think I get it. We're out in the middle of the ocean, she's stuck on a boat. She couldn't possibly say no, 'cause something might go wrong for her if she did.
Dennis: That's... that's exactly what it is. How did you get that so fast?
Dee: It's like when I'm alone with a guy, and we're messing around, and he gets all skittish about banging. So then I insinuate that it would be a shame if my account of what happened was different from his, and then he ended up getting a call from the sheriff. You know what I mean? And then, boom. We plow.

College: [dissecting poop] Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper.
Dennis: All right, well, now we're gettin' somewhere. Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper?
Charlie: It's gonna go both ways, dude. Sorry.
Dennis: Really?
Charlie: Yeah. What else? What else?
College: This appears to be a piece of a credit card.
Frank: Inconclusive.
Dennis: How is that not specific to one of you?
Charlie: I wish it was, man, but that's inconclusive.
College: Oh, boy, there's a good deal of blood in this stool. Whoever's it is should see a doctor.
Charlie: Well, don't give us judgements; just tell us what's in there. What's in there, what else?
College: Is this wolf hair?
Frank: Also inconclusive.
Dennis: Jesus Christ!

Bill: [after snorting a white powder] Jesus son, what did you cut this with?
Bobby: Shut up bitch.
Charlie: Your son? Your son is your dealer?
Bill: He's reliable.

Dennis: And then naturally, we bang. And this is the best bang of all because it's very emotional for her. You see, she thinks she's broken through my tough exterior and coerced affection from a man who was afraid to love. And then I slink out into the night, never to talk to her again.

Bonnie: I had an abortion. It just didn't take.
Charlie: What does that mean?
Bonnie: You survived it. You survived the abortion!

Gladys: What's happening?
Dennis: What's happening, Gladys, is we're at the fair and you're gonna act like my grandma, okay?
Gladys: My grandmother had an affair with Susan B. Anthony.
Dennis: I-I don't give a shit.

Dee: Real quickly, okay, just a couple of things. I can't really move my arms in this thing so I think I need to rip the pit.
Charlie: It is a rental. Do not rip that costume, okay? It's very expensive.
Dee: All right, fine, but one other thing. I wrote a song, I'm gonna throw it in.
Charlie: I swear to God, you cannot add a song.
Dee: It's gonna happen.
Charlie: I will smack your face off of your face!

Mac: [on abortion] It's nobody's choice! It should be left up to God!
Dee: Is he jo...? Is that...? Are you... joking?
Mac: No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis? Book two, verse three: And he breatheth into the nostrils of Adam on the first day and it was good.
Dee: Right in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable.
Dennis: [to Mac] You're making an asshole out of yourself.

Mac: We look like salt and pepper shakers!

Charlie: That's politics, bitch!

Mac: Okay, Dee, this is truly pathetic, and you are really bringing us down, so we're gonna help you out.
Frank: We realize we may be in some ways responsible for the state you're in.
Mac: Mm, let's not...

Mac: [watching an underground fight] Well, this is awesome.
Dennis: Yeah, this is amazing. There's blood everywhere. It's beautiful!
Mac: Yeah, and we were totally right. These guys don't have any technique. They just get all cranked up like a bunch of animals and beat the christ out of each other.
Dennis: Look at all this money being thrown around. Dude, we gotta get in on this.
Mac: Oh yeah. You know really, I think it's about who can take the biggest beating.
Dennis: Yeah.
Mac: You know who can take a really good beating?
Dennis: Charlie.
Mac: Charlie.

Dee: Those goddamn North Koreans.
Dennis: They are some sneaky bastards.

Frank: [recalling his days in an institution, crying] It was terrible. But not her. She was an angel. Always smiling. That's because she had no lips, but her mouth was still very much in play.

Frank: Dennis, if I was looking for safe, I wouldn't be sticking my dick through a wall!

Frank: There's nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who's smart and attractive; we have to pretend you're both!
Sweet: Wow, you're a horrible father.

Mac: Oh, look at Sweet Dee, sitting on her cloud of judgement, handing down life lessons to all the sinners.

Waitress: I'm gonna go grind a homeless guy!

Charlie: What is your spaghetti policy here?

Dee: You're like a couple of locusts.
Mac: Oh, I take that as a compliment.
Dee: It's not a compliment.
Mac: Well it's biblical, so it's a compliment.

Dennis: I'm not gonna be a whore, Frank!
Frank: You're already a whore. Why not make some money at it?
Dennis: You're just gonna try and make me bang old ladies, then you're gonna have me move on to dudes.

Charlie: [looking at calculator] What... are... you?

Mac: [in a retirement home] These places are like prisons.
Frank: Like people getting ass raped?
Charlie: What? Oh, my God, dude. No one's getting ass raped, Frank. Come on, man.
Mac: No, it's just that people don't wanna be here, because they feel like...
Frank: Because they're getting ass raped!

[after Frank's eulogy]
Dee: So should we get the dead whore out of the apartment, or...?

Mac: But who versus? Who are we doing it versus?

Dennis: [while training Charlie to become an underground fighter] Why don't you punch this board?
[Dennis grabs a board and holds it up]
Charlie: Okay. Hold it steady for me. Watch your eyes.
[Charlie punches the board and groans in pain]
Mac: That looks like it stings.
Charlie: Oh my god! What is that made out of?
Dennis: It's a board so it's, you know, made out of wood.
Mac: It's like particle board.
Charlie: It's like harder than wood, dude.
Mac: It's actually softer than wood.

Charlie: Come one, come all, to a beautiful show! It's gonna be awesome and... some other stuff. Dee dee dee dee doo dee dee dee doo dee dee doo dee. Heh heh. Some other musical stuff!

Dennis: Flop, come here for a second.
[Dennis gives him a pair of boots]
Dennis: All right, these are for you. And there's a steel toe in there. Don't be afraid to use it.
Flip: Thanks, Dad!
Dennis: I'm not your dad.

Adriano: [Speaking to Dee] And to think I was going to let you jack me off.

Dennis: [after putting a beer bottle under the back of the moving truck door] Now, the weight of the door will keep the beer bottle in place.
Frank: Good.
Dennis: Nice, huh?
Frank: Move over a little bit, let me sit on the cooler.
Frank: [the truck hits a bump, causing the beer bottle to come off] Goddammit!

Dennis: Look, we need to start the healing process. Okay? I'm devastated over here. We need to throw a big-ass party. Because I need to be amongst friends. Let's call the crew. Let's round up the boys!
Charlie: Round the crew up!
Dennis: And let's have a kick-ass party!
Charlie: We got the diary! And the crew!
Dennis: [singing] The boys are back in town. The boys are back in town.
Mac: [checking cell phone] I have two numbers in my phone. Charlie and Dennis.

Middle: Hey guys, I'm Donovan McNabb. Whoo. I play quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles. And I'm here to tell you can, too, if you start everyday with a hearty breakfast from McDonald's. Uh, like the new Sausage Egg McGriddle Value Meal available now for a limited time for under five dollars. Remember guys, real champs eat at McDonald's. I'm lovin' it. Can I get the check?

Mac: [to Sweet Dee and Charlie] Are you two seeing this?
[all look over at Dennis]
Dennis: [gayly] ... boys are out tonight, huh?
Mac: This is unbelievable. What the hell is going on here? You got black women crawling all over you, and this Mary over here is the belle of the ball. Why do these people like you guys so much?
Charlie: Well dude, it's not that they like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? Uhh... because you're an asshole!

Dennis: Charlie can't read.
Frank: He'll adapt.
Dennis: He'll adapt to reading?

Dennis: How do we know they're North Koreans?
Frank: Because that's the bad Korea.

Mac: Are there any questions?
Cool: Yo, can I get some beer?
Mac: No beer.
Charlie: No... We said it, like, a million times.
Mac: Guys, how many times do we have to be through this? No beer, okay?
Charlie: All right, you know, you can't drink beer and be effective.
Cool: But you guys had, like, five.
Mac: Don't count beers, Carlos. Not cool.
Charlie: Yeah. And by the way, Carlos, I've had six.
Mac: And I've had seven.
Charlie: So don't be a rat, okay? And if you are gonna be a rat, get it right.
Mac: No more questions. In fact, no more questions.
Cool: You guys are the ones that asked for the questions.
Mac: Shut up, Carlos!
Charlie: Carlos, shut up!

Frank: When we get out of this, I'm gonna shove my fist right into your ass, hard and fast... Not in the sexual way! In the 'I am pissed off' sort of way.

Frank: How 'bout you put an egg in your shoe and beat it!

Fat: You want some insulin?

[Mac is shooting a log to practice with a gun]
Dennis: If that log was trying to rob the place, you totally would have killed it!

Dennis: She's got Stockholm syndrome!
Dee: No, I don't! No, I just think it's a good way to decide who to kill first. I'm trying to put myself in their position, you know? It's called compassion dickheads. Maybe if you guys had a little bit of it, you wouldn't be in this mess in the first place and then we wouldn't be standing here trying to figure out which one of you we have to kill. But that's where we are so hand me that shotgun 'cause I'd like to do this mess myself. GET ON YOUR KNEES, BITCHES!

Dee: Dennis is gonna try and have you killed.
Charlie: I can't say that surprises me.
Dee: He's gonna sell us all down the river.
Charlie: Okay, should we kill him first?
Dee: Well, look, I don't want anybody to have to die, but if somebody does, there's no reason it shouldn't be Dennis.

Frank: Hey, what's the action?
Dennis: Oh, Jesus Christ! Are you gonna keep saying that? Is that like your catch phrase now?

Charlie: Why do we never play Night Crawlers anymore, huh?

Mac: I've never spray painted a chair before, okay? Why are you covering your mouth?
Frank: Because that lead paint is *extremely* toxic.
Mac: What! Is that why I'm feeling so dizzy?

[Charlie walks up to a shopping mall Santa Claus as Mac watches, after learning that his mother was a prostitute who had her clients dress up as Santa on Christmas to avoid upsetting Charlie]
Santa: Ho ho ho ho. Well, hello! Merry Christmas! So, where's your little one?
[Charlie sits on Santa's lap]
Santa: Oh! Ho ho ho ho, you're a big boy, aren't ya? Ha ha! Uh...
[to Mac]
Santa: Is he retarded? Ah, I got this one.
[to Charlie]
Santa: So, son, what would you like for Christmas, huh?
Charlie: Did you fuck my mom?
Santa: ...What?
Charlie: Did you FUCK... my MOM?
Santa: What d'ya mean? I, uh...
Charlie: Did you fuck my mom, Santa Claus? Did you fuck my mom? Did you fuck her? DID YOU FUCK MY FUCKING MOM? DID YOU FUCK MY MOM, SANTA? AAAAH!
[Charlie bites Santa's neck, causing blood to spray everywhere, then drags him to the ground and mercilessly beats him in front of hundreds of crying children before Mac finally drags him away]

Mac: No, no, no! Gangsters don't sing!
Frank: What are you talking about? You ever hear of gangsta rap?

Artemis: Is there any nudity?
Dee: No.
Artemis: Can there be?

Dee: Don't eat trash, Charlie.
Charlie: I'll eat what I wanna eat, okay?

Dee: Good luck with those kegs, boners.

[Charlie and Frank are looking at Garbage Pail Kids cards]
Sweet: Are those the stupid cards where babies are doing disgusting things?
Charlie: No, Dee. These are those amazing cards where babies are doing hysterical things.

Dennis: [getting Mac to switch seats] You're gonna switch places with Becky, right, because while I don't particularly find you conventionally attractive, I do find you oddly sexy.
Becky: Huh, excuse me?
Dennis: That was a compliment.

Mac: Now, this is smart. The first step to becoming an American, get a credit card.
Dennis: Oh yeah, man, we need this guy to build up copious amounts of debt. That's the best way for him to build up his credit. We're doing him a favor here.
Charlie: We're doing him a huge favor! And do you realize how extreme this is to go from no debt to good ol' fashioned American debt? That's the way to do it. Plus, I've been envisioning someone else paying for this thing the entire time.
Dennis: I'm also envisioning him unloading all the shit into the car.

Roxy: Hey, this jacket is awesome!
[sticks arm in sleeve]
Roxy: Ooh, and it's tighter than dick skin!

Frank: [introducing himself to a group of parents who have gathered at Paddy's Pub to enter their children in a pageant] I know some of you may have heard about that other guy... I am not gonna diddle your kids. I'm not like that; that's not my thing. I met that guy in a titty bar!

Dennis: We're caring people. That's our nature.
Tabitha: Um, what's Frank struggling with the most right now?
Dee: Ooh, he is trying to bang our aunt.
Dennis: That's the big one.
Tabitha: These things deal more with drug and alchohol abuse.
Dennis: Drugs and alcohol are rolled into what we're talking about here.
Tabitha: So he does have a drinking problem.
Charlie: Oh, big time!
Dee: Oh, lady.

Charlie: I'm a patriot. You've gotta give me that.

Trucker: I do not tangle with lizards no more. No. Back in the day, sure, I would've indulged. Hell, I would've let you turn me into Swiss cheese.
[chuckles]
Trucker: I would've let you make me, uh... make me into a mailbox. Just open the slot and put whatever you want inside.
Dennis: Wow.
Charlie: We wouldn't do that.
Trucker: Not no more. I got a wife now. So I will not suck you and I will not be sucked on by you. Okay? That's it.
Dennis: That's a 10-4.
Charlie: Yeah, we read you loud and clear.

Dennis: Oh Sandra... you dumb bitch

Tony: [Dennis is trying to sell his Range Rover] I'm looking for something for my daughter.
Dennis: Your daughter?
Tony: Yeah. You know, safe, slow vehicle. Good starter car.
Dennis: ...Starter car.
Tony: That's right.
Dennis: Mm. I have contained my rage for as long as possible, but I shall unleash my fury upon you like the crashing of a thousand waves! Begone, vile man! Begone from me! A starter car? This car is a finisher car! A transporter of gods! The golden god! I am untethered, and my rage knows no bounds!

['70s music ringtone plays]
Frank: Hello?
Dennis: Frank, you gotta get me outta here, man!
Frank: Where are you?
Dennis: I'm in rehab, goddammit!
Frank: Well, I'm in a movie and this broad is about to get naked, so I gotta go.

God: Won't you join me?
Mac: Is that chair for me?
God: You're God damn right it is.

Dee: Where is M. Night? I have questions for him!

Dennis: Everyone gather 'round. I have an announcement to make.
Frank: Dennis has an announcement?
[to Mac]
Frank: Go, now's your chance. Rant and rave.
Mac: [shouting] Gather 'round, everybody! Gather 'round, please!
Dee: We're all standing here.
Frank: Is this everybody?
Mac: Is this everybody?
Dee: You know it's everybody. What are you doing?
Mac: Dennis has an announcement.
Dee: Yeah, I-I-I heard that. I'm wondering what it is.
Mac: It's an announcement!
Charlie: What's up, Dennis?
Dennis: I have an announcement.
Dee: OH, MY GOD! WHAT IS IT?

Mac: You want me to cross the stage?
Charlie: Yes.
Mac: [starts doing karate] All right. This is a great opportunity to showcase some skills and, like, just put on a clinic.
Charlie: I would rather you didn't.

Charlie: [to the priest] What the shit man?
Charlie's: [whispers] Charlie!
Charlie: My mother is dying of cancer and you need money to fix a statue?
[Priest places hand on Charlie's mother to comfort her]
Charlie: No, no, no, no. Don't give me this act.
Mac: Charlie, calm down.
Charlie: No, no. Why don't you give us some money? How much is that ring worth? That looks like an expensive ring. Can we have the ring?
Mac: Okay. All right. I'm sorry, Father.
Charlie: This is bullshit!
Mac: I will pray for his sins. I'm sorry.
Dennis: Hey Charlie, Charlie.
Mac: [to Charlie] What are you doing.
Dennis: It's okay. I got this. I got this.
Charlie: What am I doing? What is HE doing?
Dennis: Listen. Don't get all riled up about this scam or that scam, you know. It's all a big scam, okay?
Charlie: Yeah.
Dennis: But I will say this - the church's scam? It's a pretty good one. It's effective. Look at all the money these people are giving to the church. So I say we use that model to raise money for your mom at Paddy's. Guys. Let's throw a beef and beer.

Mac: So is Frank Charlie's dad, or not?
Doctor: The only thing I can tell you is that based on how much blood is in this bucket, your friend is in desperate need of blood!

Dennis: [after shooting Charlie] I'll call an ambulance.
Mac: Bro, the hospital's like three blocks away, we should just drive him!
Dennis: I know that but I don't wanna get blood stains all over the interior of my car!

Dennis: Dee, you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing?
Dee: Same thing you're doing. I'm not letting dad give all this shit to poor people
Dennis: Alright, hey I got here first though. I'm taking the plasma TV and I'm taking the fish tank.
Dee: How come you get to pick and choose?
Dennis: It's not that I get to pick and choose, it's that I'm a man and I'm strong. I can carry heavy things. You're a woman, you're weak and... you can't.
Dee: You're a woman and you're weak.
Dennis: That doesn't make any sense
Dee: You don't make any sense.

Dee: [looking in a mirror after injecting Dennis' face] Number one, I'd like to get rid of these crow's feet that I have been noticing coming in which I do not appreciate. And hear me out on this one, it's a little weird. I'm thinking about doing something to my earlobes. I've never really liked my earlobes...
[puts mirror down and notices Dennis' swollen red eye]
Dee: Ahh! Jesus.
Dennis: What?
Dee: How's that eye feel?
Dennis: It feels a little weird. I'm having a little trouble seeing out of it. That's normal, right?
Dee: I don't think so.
Dennis: It's not? Really? Oh God, now that you mention it, sis, I do feel a fair amount of pain coming on. God, it stings.
Dee: Yeah? Uh-huh. Uhh, shit Dennis, I think maybe I switched these up.
Dennis: You switched 'em up? What the hell!
Dee: I don't know, maybe I put some collagen in your eye!
Dennis: You injected Mexican collagen in my eye?

Christmas: [singing] Pulling fake-outs, pulling pranks/gives your friends the Christmas cranks/and this is how they will react/when they finally crack/They'll rip your arm off at the bone/Eat it like an ice cream cone/Gouge your eyes out with a spoon/Blow them up like two balloons/Keep them close so you can see/as they chainsaw off your knee/Bash your body with a board/and hang you by your spinal cord.
Frank: Oh $#*%.
Christmas: And then they'll rip you down so you survive/Grind your legs while you're alive/Throw you to a gator pit/Let them gnaw on you a bit/Pull you out and stab your face/Spray your wounds all full of mace/Now they're really getting brazen/When you're burned by racist singing raisins.

Da': Loud noises make the squirrels go in my head, and... and I don't fight in the ring anymore, but I still fight with the demons in Da' Maniac's head.

Mac: Being handicapped sucks, dude.
Dennis: Oh yeah, man. It's too much work, there's like nothing to show for it.
Mac: Yeah, there's like no advantages!

Dennis: [at Mac and Charlie's funeral] Uh, what to say about Mac... Um... He certainly was... angry...
Frank: Burn the duster!
Dennis: I'm not burning the duster! Okay? I'm not burning the duster, alright? That's crazy. That's insane. Why would I ever burn... I mean, I will continue to wear it in his honor and I will burn some other things, you know, maybe like these stupid goddamn sleeveless t-shirts that he once retired and hung up in the bar, I'll burn these. But I'm not burning the duster, okay, so forget it. It probably won't even burn anyway, it's not supposed to. It's flame retardant, that's the whole point. It's like a shield of armor. So stop asking me to burn the duster. I'm not gonna burn it!

Mac: Where's the boy?
Dennis: The boy is gone.
Mac: You can't tell me what to do.
Dennis: N- I didn't tell you what to- You're skipping a line, dude.
Mac: Yeah, uh... You can't tell me what to do.
Dennis: You're still skipping the same line.
Mac: Just move past it 'cause I can't remember...
Dennis: God, it's crazy how much better I am at acting than you.

Frank: Take that for yourself.
[rubs a $10 bill on her chest]
Hostess: Uh... oh, okay... You can just hand that to me.
Frank: I was trying to feel your breast.
Hostess: I got that.

Charlie: I'm asking hypothetical questions here, come on.
Dee: I'm sorry! I'm a little bit preoccupied with being worried about being killed by the mob because a homeless priest ran off with all of our drugs!

Frank: Now, Daddy hates to say this, but I think we need to talk about the breasts.

Frank: I got a plan to get back at your mother!
Dee: Too late, I'm already full throttle over here. I'm going to dig up her body in the middle of the night and snatch back that jewelry.
Frank: That's insane!
Dee: Frank, that woman is buried down there like Mr. T! I got to get to that body while the earth is still loose.

Frank: Aw! Moms are so not lit.

Charlie: Absolutely, I hear you! We're saying we're gonna do the drugs and then we're gonna try and fix all the lights...
Dennis: That's asinine!

Dennis: I mean, look at this girl. What's her story? She's got a decent bone structure. She was probably very pretty when she was young.
Dee: Yeah.
Dennis: Probably spent her summers here, lounging on the beach and scooping ice cream.
Dee: But she didn't want her summers to end, so she got herself a fake ID and a push-up bra and started hanging out at the local bars.
Dennis: Right. Developed a nasty coke habit, 'cause she loved the way it made her feel.
Dee: Mm-hmm.
Dennis: But then extreme highs gave way to extreme lows and she fell into a depression.
Dee: Had herself a kid. Thought it would give her a sense of purpose. And it did, for a while, till she started using again.
Dennis: Mm-hmm. And then Social Services came knocking at the door, and now the kid loves upstate with his grandparents, 'cause she can't take care of this kid. And here she is festering away in a one-bedroom apartment waiting for the HIV to turn into AIDS...
Dee: Ooh!
Dennis: And wondering what the hell...
Stephanie: You know I can hear you, right?

Dennis: [car horn honking] Aw, merge, merge! You had your... Come on, you got, you have to seize the goddamn gap! People are so goddamn inefficient! Oh, goddammit! I don't care if you're old, seize the gap! You old fat bitch! You fat bitch!

Frank: I know you're not as dumb as you seem.
Charlie: Well, let's just say that I am.

Dennis: [walks in on his friends preparing for the Phillies playing in the World Series] Hey guys what's up?
Dee: How come you aren't wearing your colors?
Dennis: Colors? What are you...? Oh, my God, is today the World Series? I totally forgot... Oh, wait a minute!
[takes off shirt to reveal "Go Phillies" written on his chest]
Dennis: Sporting events are the one time it's socially acceptable to go shirtless in public and I plan to be blasting bare chest the whole time.
Frank: You're gonna feel cold as shit up in those stands!
Dennis: I'm not going to be feeling anything because I plan to be blasted on grain alcohol!

Handsome: You have the most beautiful eyes.
Dennis: Okay, man, but I don't... really?
Handsome: So blue.
Dennis: Well, actually more of a blue-green.

[repeated lines, said in no specific order]
Mac: Absolutely.
Charlie: Absolutely.
Dennis: Absolutely.

Dee: Hey, listen, uh, you've been really stressed, so I thought I would take you for a spa day, just you and me.
Charlie: A what day?
Dee: A spa day.
Charlie: What is this word "spa"? I feel like you're starting to say a word and you're not finishing it. Are you trying to say "spaghetti"? Are you taking me for a spaghetti day?

Mac: Why are you doing everything in threes?
Charlie's: Oh, so Charlie doesn't die.

Charlie: I just want to get black out drunk and relax.

Dennis: [the gang talks about the city's serial killer as Mac suddenly walks into the bar] This guy got laid last night!
Mac: [nervously] No, I didn't!
Dennis: Yeah, you did. You didn't come last night.
Mac: Yes, I did!
Dee: Yeah, those are the same clothes you were wearing yesterday.
Mac: No, they aren't. They're different clothes.
Dennis: Hey, what's with those scratches on your neck?
Mac: Scratches? What scratches? I've... I've gotta take a piss. Stop asking me questions.
[runs into the bathroom]
Dee: Well, that was weird.
Charlie: I wonder what got into him.
Frank: Serial killin'!

Waitress: Dennis Reynolds, I trusted you!
Dennis: Why?

[Dennis mimics an Arab jihad video]
Charlie: Cut, cut, cut, cut. What the hell are you doing, dude?
Dennis: [uncovers face] That's what those tapes sound like.
Charlie: Why don't you read the script that I wrote.
Dennis: I'm not reading the script you wrote. It's in English, and it's riddled with spelling errors.
Charlie: Well, you know what I'm trying to write, just say it.
Dennis: No, I'm just gonna mumble some guttural sounds. Let's do another one.
Charlie: He's not gonna know what you're saying!
Dennis: Well, then we'll do subtitles or something!
Charlie: How am I gonna do subtitles?
Mac: I feel like I should have something in my hands.
Dennis: You don't need anything in your hands.
Mac: Like a weapon. A machete or a machine gun or something.
Dennis: Okay, why don't you head down to the Wawa and pick up a machine gun!
Charlie: Read the script.
Dennis: I'm not gonna read the script.
Charlie: Read the- who's the director here?
Dennis: I don't care, I'm not reading the script!
Charlie: Alright, fine. Action!
Dennis: Bro, can I get my towel over my face again?
Charlie: Oh, yeah, put your towel on your face.
Dennis: Alright, here we go.
Charlie: Action.
[Dennis speaks mock arabic]
Mac: [interrupts] I'm gonna get a weapon. I'm gonna get a weapon!

Mac: Well, then, what would you say?
Dennis: She's a quitter.
Dee: You know what, I don't even care! I don't care.
Dennis: And that proves my point. Because you don't care, you never succeed.
Mac: Right. Failed.
Dennis: Failure implies that she actually *tried* to be an actor.
Dee: Okay, I did try, it just didn't happen to work out.
Frank: It's not your fault, sweetie. You're just not pretty enough.
Dee: Wow, thank you! That's my dad, everybody.

Preston: Alright Mac from South Philly, you're on with Preston and Steve!
Dee: Holy shit, he got on.
Mac: Holy shit, I got on!
Preston: Please don't curse.

Mac: Are you sure?
Dennis: Yeah, look at his jeans, dude. That's a- that's an unmistakable bulge of a large penis in those jeans.
Dee: Yeah, that's a dick in those pants.
Mac: There's a dick in those pants!
Dennis: Yeah.
Mac: I'll be right back.
[confronts Carmen]
Mac: Excuse me, bro, can you give me a second?
[club goer exits]
Mac: Thanks. Is that a penis in your pants?
Carmen: Yeah.
Mac: You lied to me!
Carmen: No, I didn't. You lied to me! You don't work out? Please, I see you at the gym. You're ripped.
Mac: Wait, don't turn this around... Wait, really? You think so?
Carmen: Yeah.
Mac: I was afraid I was getting a little too ripped, you know?
Carmen: No, I like it.
Mac: Wow. Hmm. Well, I gotta get back to work, um, but I don't know, maybe I'll give you a call sometime.
Carmen: Okay.
Mac: Yeah, yeah, I'll give you a call.

Dee: So what's our plan here? Are we just gonna throw him in the trash or are we gonna find like a laundry chute, fire him down that, or what are we doing?
Dennis: What? No, I'm just gonna drop him in one of these rooms if I can find an empty one.
Dee: No but that way somebody can find him and put him back in my room.
Dennis: Ah, that's a good point. Or maybe we could stuff him in a drawer or like jam him in a closet or something? That'll buy us some time, right?
Dee: Hm, makes me feel like I have to touch him. I don't wanna touch him at all, so why don't we just put him in the trash?
Mr. Craig: Please don't put me in the trash!

Mac: [lifts Dennis' legs] Gimme that leg, boy.
Dennis: No...
[Frank throws blanket on top of them]
Dennis: Dude, do you have a boner right now?
Mac: Shut up, dude. Don't ruin this for me.

Dee: [Speaking to Mac] Mac I'm going to stop you right there. Your breath smells like an old lady fart passing through an onion.

Dee: Your life is way more glamorous than what I was picturing.
Roxy: Yeh, yeh, now help me dig these crack rocks outta my ass.

Mac: What do we need a mattress for?
Dennis: What do you mean what do we need a mattress for? Why in the hell do you think we just spent all that money on a boat? The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy topside so we can take 'em to a nice comfortable place below deck and, you know, they can't refuse, because of the implication.
Mac: Oh, uh... okay. You had me going there for the first part. The second half kinda threw me.
Dennis: Well, dude, dude, think about it. She's out in the middle of nowhere with some dude she barely knows. You know, she looks around and what does she see? Nothin' but open ocean. "Ahh, there's nowhere for me to run! What am I gonna do, say no?"
Mac: Okay. That... that seems really dark.
Dennis: Nah, no, it's not dark. You're misunderstanding me, bro.
Mac: I'm-I think I am.
Dennis: Yeah, you are, because if the girl said no then the answer obviously is no...
Mac: No. Right.
Dennis: But the thing is she's not gonna say no; she would never say no because of the implication.
Mac: ...Now, you've said that word "implication" a couple of times. Wha-what implication?
Dennis: The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me. Now, not that things are gonna go wrong for her, but she's thinkin' that they will.
Mac: But it sounds like she doesn't wanna have sex with you...
Dennis: Why aren't you understanding this? She-she doesn't know if she wants to have sex with me! That's not the issue...
Mac: Are you gonna hurt women?
Dennis: I'm not gonna hurt these women! Why would I ever hurt these women? I feel like you're not getting this at all!
Mac: I'm not getting it.
Dennis: Goddamn.
[notices old woman staring at them]
Dennis: Well, don't you look at me like that. You certainly wouldn't be in any danger.
Mac: So they are in danger!
Dennis: No one's in any danger!

Mac: I hate dead baby fetuses, you know why? Because they are dead and they shouldn't be. They should be alive, and they should be loved.

Dennis: Whoa, what's with the spray paint, man?
Charlie: Uhh, what's with your outfit, man?

Dennis: [wearing high cut jean shorts] Check this out.
[stretches his legs apart]
Charlie: Go, go, go. Whoa! Any more?
Dennis: That's it, but that's pretty wide, right?
Charlie: That is good, you know? And you're not getting any high ride.
Dennis: I'm getting a high ride, but the shorts aren't preventing me from doing what I need to do.
Charlie: And that's the shorts.
Dennis: That's exactly right, man. See, your shorts, they're holding you back, man. Well, that and your hips. But I gotta tell ya, the shorts aren't helping.

Charlie: We really don't know how funny the joke is yet because we haven't seen the girls boobs. Can we see them?

Charlie: Dude, it's not so much that they don't like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? 'Cause you're an asshole!
Mac: [to Dee] Is that true?
Dee: ...Yeah, kinda.

Charlie: I'll tell you what, let me pop a quick 'H' on the box.
[draws H on box]
Charlie: This way we'll all know it's full of hornets.
Dennis: Do what you gotta do.

Frank: Well, if we're gonna do something like this, we gotta make sure we don't abuse anybody.
Charlie: No, I mean I know what it's like to grow up poor. You know, we gotta treat people with respect.
Mac: Respect is the name of the game. Respect is number one!
Charlie: It's the name of almost every game.
Mac: Absolutely because we understand the plight of the worker.
Charlie: Plight...
Mac: Respect.
Charlie: Respect the plight. What d'ya think, Frank?
Frank: I'm good, go get us some slaves.

Pimp: Pepper Jack love Fraggle Rock.

Dennis: I was hearing a lot of laughs out there, bro.
Mac: Laughs are cheap. I'm going for gasps.

Dennis: Where am I?
Doctor: You were shot in the head during an armed robbery. The bullet narrowly missed your brain stem and exited the back of your skull.
Dennis: Does-does my dick work?
Doctor: No. Your penis does not work.
Dennis: Kill me.

Frank: [cocks gun as he enters the bar] Where's the goddamn fire?

Frank: [singing] You got to pay the troll toll if you want to get into this boy's hole!

Frank: What the hell is that?
Dennis: You know what it is, bitch.

Frank: I want this sushi dinner to be the tits.
Charlie: Oh, okay, so you want it to be, like, really expensive.
Frank: No, I wanna eat sushi off of some Jap broad's tits!

Charlie: Hey, Dee, does that guy have, like, a... like, a little hand?
Mac: Charlie, I was gonna say his foot looks small.

Frank: Do we have any sharp knives?
Mac: What?
Dennis: What?
Frank: These guys are maniacs! They want to start betting fingers.
Dennis: Fingers!
Mac: What are you talking about?
Frank: If Alan loses this hand, he's gonna start chopping off his fingers. I've never seen anything like it in my life!
Mac: Okay, this has gone way too far.
Dennis: This is getting ridiculous. Dad, your friends have got to go!
Frank: Bullshit!
Mac: You are *killing* our freedom, man!
Frank: This is what freedom's all about. I'm living on the edge!

Charlie: Mac, can an asshole rip in half?
Mac: Like tissue paper.

Mac: Are you drinking sunscreen?
Dee: No no, it's a decoy. We're drinking tequila out of sunscreen bottles.
Dennis: Yeah, very strict open container laws at the Jersey shore.

Charlie: Why is the witch-slave shooting at you anyways?
Frank: Maybe she used her sorcery.
Dee: Sorcery? Your dumb-dick partner walked into the bar and said he'd stolen a bunch of guns and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head. And of course I did, so here we are.
Frank: Damn your necromancy, woman!

Charlie: [Charlie's America Song] I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass, Gonna kick some ass in the USA, Gonna climb a mountain, Gonna sew a flag, Gonna fly on an Eagle, I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, Gonna kick some ass, Gonna rise up, Kick a little ass, ROCK, FLAG AND EAGLE!

Charlie: All right, toss me the keys!
Frank: Here ya go.
[throws keys into the water]
Charlie: What the hell was that?
Frank: That's the keys, I threw 'em right at ya!
Charlie: I asked you to toss 'em, you threw 'em overhand!

[eating chips while stoned]
Dennis: Carbs-wise, this is gonna set me back, but I don't even give a shit.
Frank: Yes.
Dennis: Country Mac's awesome.
Frank: Yes.
Dennis: You know?
Dee: This weed that he gave us is awesome.
Frank: Yes.
Dennis: Yeah.
Charlie: Yeah.
Dennis: All these years, I've been feelin' like I hate karate... and, like, I hate Project Badass, and, like... I hate God...
Frank: Yes.
Dennis: But, like... I realized... you know what I really hate... is Mac.
Frank: Yes.
Dennis: Like, he's made all those cool things suck. Not only is he, like, ruining my life... but with all this God shit that he's into... he could be ruining my afterlife.
Frank: Yes.

Dennis: All right, buddy, now explain to me how exactly we are going to calculate the totals.
Charlie: Oh, it's easy, dude. You pour gas into the car using one of these funnels, right? And I count how much gas is going into the car.
Dennis: All right, let me- let me just stop you right there. How exactly are you planning on counting a liquid?
Charlie: Uhh, I know how to count, dude. I'm not...
Dennis: [to Mac] Okay, you do it. You do it, Mac, because I can't speak to him. I don't understand him.

Frank: You look like a drag queen.
Dennis: I look like a rock god.

Frank: I'm going with you guys because I am bored as shit.
Dee: That's not a good idea because when you get involved people usually get hurt.
Frank: I'm just hanging out with the guys. How's anyone gonna get hurt?
[cue: "Frank Sets Sweet Dee On Fire"]

Charlie: You wanna talk America? You wanna learn a little something about America? Dee, let's roll out of here.
Dee: Where are we going?
Charlie: We're gonna go America all over their asses!

Dennis: You know what I just realized? I don't care about anything she's saying, but what I do care about is the fact that Charlie might go postal when he finds out about this and kill all of us.
Mac: Right. Shit, we're probably the one's at real risk here, huh?

Mac: Jesus Christ, Frank. Are you cutting your toenails with a steak knife?
Charlie: I suppose you have a problem with that, too?
Frank: Ah! Oh! Oh! Botched toe! I botched that one. Oh, that's a botch job. That's bleeding. I need some trash to plug up the cut.

Dennis: [speaking at Lionel Keane's funeral] Last Christmas, I was over Lionel's house, making him dinner, and we got to talking about the spirit of giving. And I said, 'Lionel, instead of just talking about the spirit of giving, why don't we put it into action?' He said, 'That's a great idea, Dennis.' So we went down to the mission and fed every man, woman, and child that walked in that night and washed the feet of every poor, wretched soul.

Dee: What's going on with Mac and Charlie?
Dennis: It's... I can't get them to stay focused. They keep escalating the conversation into evil curses and opening leather shops in Arizona.
Dee: A leather shop, in Arizona?
Dennis: Yeah.
Dee: They'd be out of business in a weeks time.
Dennis: That's exactly what I said.

Frank: You're very lucky that you're with somebody as resilient as Frank Reynolds.
Dee: You've tried to off yourself two times in the last 24 hours, Frank!

[about the dance 'contest']
Dee: Place, Paddy's Pub. Time, Saturday. Date, with Charlie Kelly. Prize... PADDY'S PUB?
Dennis: Whoa, dude, you put the bar up as a prize?
Charlie: No, I listed it in the 'Pride' section, the place where you list what you take pride in.
Dee: That's a 'Z', Charlie!
Frank: Didn't you read that goddamn thing?
Charlie: I gave it a once-over!
Mac: Oh, that's it! Your illiteracy has screwed us again!

Mac: Somos...
Dee: Yeah!
Mac,73876: ¡Extremos!

Dennis: What the hell is this? A page from a coloring book?
Mac: It's a song Charlie wrote. It's called Nightman. Skip all the raping parts and get on the stage.

Dee: [on the bus next to a large man] Would you mind not breathing directly into my mouth?

Dee: Oh, you are being ridiculous. He's a professional football player.
Mac: No, look, I'm not talking about killing the guy. I'm just talking about going up there with a group of dudes and intimidate him, maybe break his arm.
Dee: You can't break Tom Brady's arm.
Mac: Oh, yes I can! No more Super Bowls for that pretty boy.

Dee: Your life is way more glamorous than what I was picturing.
Roxy: Yeh, yeh. Now, help me dig these crack rocks outta my ass.

Frank: Paddy's Pub Stress Ball! You give this to people, they put it on their desk, and during they day, you squeeze it when you have any tension!
Dennis: Right.
[he squeezes it and it breaks]
Dennis: Oh goddammit, Frank! That's just an egg!
Frank: It's a jumping off point.

Artemis: My name's Artemis. I have a bleached asshole.

Dee: I'll make you my king. Just accept my request to consummate.
Charlie: Consummate, what is that?
Dee: Have sex.
Charlie: Oh. So, um, we should have sex then?
Dee: ...In the game.
Charlie: Yeah, in the game. Sure, yeah. Either way. Uh, so push "enter" hard? Or one, like, slow push and you do your thing? Or a little circular action...?
Dee: Just push the button, Charlie.

Brad: I've been waiting a long time for this.
[tries to give Charlie a wedgie and rips his deteriorating underwear clean off]
Brad: Oh, God!

Dee: Did you write a love letter to Chase Utley?
Mac: In a lot of ways, yes, I do love him, but that is not a love letter in the way that you're thinking of! Okay? There's nothing sexual or...
Dee: Okay, sounds good. I'm going to read it.
Mac: Yeah! Read it!
Dee: "Dear Chase..." Oh, shit! There's stickers! My God...
Mac: Yeah, you gotta jazz it up.
Dee: You sure do.

Mac: What the hell is that?
Dee: [dancing] This? That's my P. Diddy boat dance.
Mac: You look like one of those inflatable dancing things at the used car lot, the ones that flail around in the wind.

Waitress: No, I'm not going to ask you inside, Dennis.
Dennis: Why not?
Waitress: Because... I really... like you.
Dennis: Well, yeah, I mean... I really like you, too...
Waitress: Then let's just take it slow, okay?
Dennis: Wait, wait... Uh... I... love... you...
Waitress: ...Ha! I... I kinda don't know what to say!
Dennis: I kinda don't want you to say anything.
[the Waitress leans in for a kiss. Dennis' phone rings]
Dennis: Hold that thought.
[turns away, takes call]
Dennis: Yo.
Charlie: I'm ready to talk.
Dennis: Cuttin' it pretty close there, pal. I almost sealed the deal.
Charlie: Just meet me at Paddy's and we'll work it all out.
[hangs up, Dennis turns back to the Waitress]
Waitress: Heh, sorry about that. I feel like maybe I was being a little judgmental.
Dennis: You're good! Haha.
Waitress: Haha, okay. Well let's go.
Dennis: No. Uh, you were right, I sh... I'm gonna go. Yeah. I'm gonna go now, we should take it slow - you were right.
Waitress: Really? Because I... don't... need to now...
Dennis: [starts walking away] I think it's good, I think it's real good.
Waitress: Call me!
Dennis: Ahahahaha!

Charlie: [to Dennis, while singing] I know something you don't know.

Mac: Hey. I'm Mac.
[Donna sighs]
Mac: Barbara's ex-lover. She may have mentioned...
[Donna stares blankly]
Mac: You were gonna say something?
Donna: No.
Mac: [smacks lips] ... You said... no?
Donna: No. I was just breathing.

Dennis: Hey, pal. How- how you feeling?
Boy: It hurts everywhere.
Dennis: Well...
Dee: Well, it- Everything's gonna be okay.
Barbara: You don't know that, Deandra.
Dee: Shut up, Mother.
Barbara: I don't think we should be lying to the sick children.
Dee: I was trying to be encouraging.
Barbara: Well, what if he doesn't get better? You're gonna look like a fool.
Dennis: Mom, I gotta say I agree with Dee. I mean, the kid's gonna die anyway. What difference does it make?
Boy: I can hear you.

Mac: You guys have nothing outside this bar.
Dennis: Don't worry Mac, we'll be just fine.
[cut to title "Dennis and Dee Go on Welfare"]

Uncle: As the great Johnny Cochran once said, if the glove doesn't fit, give up.
Charlie: That is not what he said. How are you a lawyer Jack?

Dennis: All right, listen, this is Family Fight. This is a nationally televised program. This is a very big deal for us, okay? We're talking... What are you doing? Are you stealing an ashtray right now?
Mac: Yeah.
Dennis: Why? We have ashtrays, and you don't even smoke.

Frank: I'm gonna die looking at you, you sack of s**t.

Wayne: [shouting while in a wheelchair] Hey guys!
Mac: [pretending to be handicapped with Dennis] Shit, what do we do?
Dennis: Uh, okay. Just play it cool, man.
Mac: Play it cool.
Dennis: [to Wayne] Hey.
Wayne: Hey. How's it going?
Mac: [blurting out] I have polio.
Wayne: Oh. Uh, okay.
Dennis: [slowly] And I have polio...
Mac: [blurting out again, interrupting him] He has polio, too.
Wayne: All right, um...
[Mac and Dennis slowly back away]

Charlie: Someone should've worn a shirt, right?
Mac: Probably the kid.

Dennis: [Frank is hanging by a noose] Whoa. What the hell's going on over here?
Dee: Oh, Frank's trying to kill himself.
Charlie: Oh, my God. Is he all right? Frank, are you all right?
Frank: Don't try to stop me.
Dennis: Oh, my God.
Charlie: Oh, so he's alive.
Frank: I lost all my money in a Ponzi scheme, Charlie. I'm broke!
Dee: His neck is so thick, I feel like he's just gonna swing and dangle around for a really long time.

Dee: Did you have sex with her?
Charlie: Yeah.
Dee: Well, did you use birth control?
Dennis: Whoa, Dee, we're from a Catholic school.
Dee: So, premarital sex is all right, but you're not allowed to use birth control?
Charlie: Okay, now you're just twisting words around and getting cute.

Frank: I'm the Trash Man! I come out, I throw trash all over the- all over the ring! And then I start eatin' garbage! And then I pick up the trash can, and I bash the guy on the head.

Dennis: As I tried to explain before, you cannot get honey from a hornet's nest.
Charlie: I just don't think there's any science to support that, buddy.
Dennis: There's some very basic science out there supporting that.

Charlie: Hey, guys, check out who I met buying a crossbow. This dude is the shit.
Ernesto: I shall use this crossbow to pierce my broken heart!
Charlie: Yeah!

Dennis: Charlie, I got a question for you. Who's playing this Lead Boy?
Charlie: That's gonna be Mac.
Mac: What? Oh, yeah! Lead, of course.
Dennis: Who's playing the Dayman?
Charlie: Well, the Lead Boy becomes the Dayman when he defeats the Nightman, so it's also Mac.
Mac: Two parts? Oh, yeah!

Dennis: I don't get it, Dee, there are tons of women in this city. Where do they go?
Dee: They're at velvet rope clubs on Delaware Avenue.
Dennis: Why?
Dee: Dennis, our bar is south Philly in a scary alley... might as well call it "Rape Bar."

Frank: A woman in politics is like a donkey doing calculus.
Dee: There are plenty of good women politicians.
Frank: Name one.
Dee: Um, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton
Frank: Awful!
Dee: How is she awful?
Frank: Hates freedom.

[after discovering a glory hole in their toilets]
Dee: Why would you want to have sex with someone you can't see?
Dennis: Well Dee, I think the real question is, why wouldn't you want to have sex with someone you can't see?

Charlie: She also transcribed my work into a format you might consider a little bit more legible.
Dee: Or literate. She added words to it.

Charlie: I have 248 hours of, uh...
Mac: [helping Charlie read] Interstate.
Charlie: Inter... Interstate...
Mac: Sanitation. Jesus Christ.
Charlie: Interstate sanitation. What is that?
Dennis: The guys in the orange vests who pick up trash.
Charlie: Oh, my God. And what is this about the AA?
Mac: Alcoholics Anonymous.
Charlie: For...
Mac: Six!
Dee: Oh, my God.
Mac: Months!

Dennis: Mac, why don't you get started on the family makeover with Dee.
Mac: Family makeover with Dee? No, I wanna be a part of the renovation team.
Dennis: I know you do, but the thing is...
Charlie: You get so excited about the smashing and then you make it competitive.
Dennis: You turn it into a competition.
Mac: That's bullshit, 'cause I'm a better smasher than you guys! I should be on the head of the smashing team! You wanna have a smash-off?

Dennis: Let's talk about your likes and dislikes. Um, how 'bout your favorite food? What would that be?
Charlie: Oh, milk steak.
Dennis: Hm, what?
Charlie: Milk steak.
Dennis: I'm not putting milk steak!
Mac: Just put steak. Just put regular steak.
Dennis: I'm gonna put steak.
Charlie: Don't put steak, put milk steak. She'll know what it is.
Dennis: No, she won't know what it is, Charlie. Nobody knows what that is. Okay, all right. What's your favorite hobby?
Charlie: Uh, magnets.
Dennis: Okay, wha- like making magnets, collecting magnets?
Mac: Playing with magnets?
Charlie: Just magnets.
Dennis: I'm gonna put snowboarding. We'll put snowboarding. All right, what are some of your likes?
Charlie: Uh, ghouls.
Mac: Son of a bitch. What are you talking about now?
Charlie: You know, funny little green ghouls.
Dennis: What, like in movies? In cartoons?
Charlie: Little green ghouls, buddy!
Mac: Don't write ghouls!
Dennis: I'm not, I'm putting travel! Jesus Christ! What are your dislikes?
Charlie: People's knees.
Dennis: Oh, come on! Dude, come on! We'll make the whole thing up, let's get outta here. We're not even gonna use you.
Mac: Bro, you've gotta be kidding. You know what? We'll just make it all up.
Charlie: Cover your knees up if you're gonna be walking around everywhere...

Charlie: What does Atwater make?
Frank: What do you mean, like, how much money does the company make?
Charlie: Oh, no, I mean *what* do we make?
Frank: I don't follow. We make money.
Charlie: No, I know we make money. I mean, what do we create?
Frank: We create wealth.

Dee: What is this thing?
Charlie: That's Dennis' prototype. Be careful with that.
Dee: No, I know it's the prototype but I don't get how it works.
Charlie: Dee, you're asking a million questions. All right look, I'm just going to walk you through it, so pay attention. Okay, look, the pretty lady gets naked, of course, and I help her into the prototype, yes? My hands sort of guiding along her body making sure that it fits properly. Now the dress is starting to look fantastic, you know? And she feels very excited, she feels very sensual and I feel very sensual about her because she looks so good. And then, you know, we chit-chat a little bit, no big deal but she asks me back to her place. Where did that come from? I accept, you know? And then we chit-chat at her place, it's no big deal, but eventually she says, "Do you want to make love, Charlie?"
Dee: Oh, God.
Charlie: And I say, "Are you serious? Because yes, I do." And then just boom, we're in to it and it's hot and it's passionate.
Dee: Charlie...
Charlie: And then it's just you and me babe...
Dee: Oh, my God.
Charlie: ...Like all night long...
Dee: Charlie...
Charlie: ...And I satisfy her so many times. She starts screaming my name...
Dee: Charlie!
Charlie: "Charlie!" she says...
Dee: Charlie!
Charlie: ..."Charlie!" she says, "Charlie!" she says...
Dee: CHARLIE, Jesus!
Charlie: Dee! What are you... I thought you had walked back over...
Dee: No, I've been standing here the whole time!
Charlie: Look, I was in the middle of a...
Dee: Are you going to help me with this or not?
Charlie: I'm trying to... What are you doing, because you're looking pretty...
Dee: Oh Jesus, I'm just going to do this myself.

Mac: [yelling outside an abortion clinic] Pro-choice is pro-death!
Megan: Wow! Great rhetoric!
Mac: Thank you.
Megan: Hey, you're really hardcore, aren't you?
Mac: Oh, well, you know. I mean, if you really want to see hardcore...
[pulls out a paper and gives it to Megan]
Megan: What's this?
Mac: That's the list of doctors I'm gonna kill.
Megan: There's two already crossed out.
Mac: Yeah, I know.

Dee: Hey. Ooh, hey! You, help. Over here.
Carl: Me?
Dee: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you, please. Help. Help me. Sit, sit, please sit. Help.
Carl: Is everything okay?
Dee: No, everything's not okay. There are men here, and they're watching me.
Carl: Oh, shit!

Dennis: This is a promise ring. So from now on, Waitress, I promise to be nice and true.
Waitress: I have a name.

Dee: This sucks a bag of dicks.

Mac: Jesus Christ, Frank. Are you cutting your toenails with a steak knife?
Charlie: I suppose you have a problem with that, too?
Frank: Ah! Oh! Oh! Botched toe! I botched that one. Oh, that's a botch job. That's bleeding. I need some trash to plug up the cut.

Dennis: Okay, listen, when it comes to intelligence, I think you'll find that I am your man.
Dee: Or perhaps a man is not what you're looking for at all.
Mac: I'm afraid my friend Dennis confuses book learning with brainpower. But you and me, we know different, huh?
Dennis: Uh, "you and I."
Mac: What? No, not you and I. Him and I, idiot.
Dee: In case I was being unclear, nerds, I will bang one or both of you.

Frank: Well, you see when I was a kid, games were much more violent. We used to play purple nurple, sock full of quarters, kick the Jew.

Gail the Snail: Mom, I'm sexually active now. Get over it!
Donna: You're 33 years old, you're supposed to be sexually active. You're not supposed to be fondling your uncle under a table!

Charlie: You know what? Let me kick down a little thing to you that our Founding Fathers kicked down to me. It goes, "Don't. Tread. On me," and right now, you guys are TREADING ALL OVER ME.

Dennis: How was Charlie's?
Mac: The way they live bro, it's... it's like, uh...
Dennis: Preposterous.
Mac: Yeah dude, preposterous! I've been trying to come up with that all day! God dude, this is why you and I are such a good team. You know, like I'm a man of action and you're a man that comes up with good...
Dennis: Words?
Mac: Words, dude.
Dennis: Okay, great. We really gotta work on your vocabulary though, man. You couldn't come up with the word "words"!

Dee: You're not going to go out with me tonight because these idiots found two poopies in a bed?

Charlie: I'll tell you what. I'll go with you, but you have to let me borrow your car any time I want.
Dee: No.
Charlie: Every now and then.
Dee: No.
Charlie: One time.
Dee: All right.
Charlie: And, you have to take me to lunch twice a week for a year.
Dee: No, I don't.
Charlie: Once a week.
Dee: Nuh-uh.
Charlie: Today.
Dee: Okay.

Matthew: Come on, Mac, join our crew.
Homeless: Shut up, Street Rat!

Dee: Oh, I have an idea, Dad. Why don't you shut your fat little monkey face and hold the bag? I'm going to paralyze this bitch.

Dennis: Look, okay. Absolutely, we could cave the husband's skull in here. Yes, we could take the wife down to the basement, have a frenzied free-for-all with her. We could tie the little kids up in their little rooms upstairs so they wouldn't hear any of it.
Mac: Dennis, in that scenario, we'd have to kill the kids 'cause they've would've seen our faces.
Dennis: Right, we could smear the walls with their blood. Guys, there are any number of twisted scenarios that could play out here. But I think the easiest thing, really, is to just go get the deed.
Charlie: Right. Why get weird?

Frank: [at the cemetery] Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna.
Donna: Hello, Frank.
Frank: You surprised to see me?
Donna: No. You left several voicemails congratulating me on my husband's death.
Frank: Well, I was pretty baked.

Mac: God?
God: Hello, Mac! Those were some pretty sweet moves.

[repeated line]
Dee: Later, boners.

Matthew: Oh yes, Mac and Dennis, get ready for a mouthful of strawberry blond, hair covered balls.
Frank: [stunned] What is it with you people? You're touching each other's nipples, putting your balls in each other's mouths... I just don't understand your generation.

Frank: What do you see?
Dee: I can't see shit! Why did you tint the inside of the windows?

[in overly patriotic denim garb]
Mac: Good call on these outfits, dude.
Charlie: It's the only call.

Dee: [discussing high taxes] Why don't you try voting for once?
Mac: And what? Vote for the democrat who's going to blast me in the ass? Or the republican who's going to blast my ass? Either way, politics is all one big ass blasting.

Dee: So let's talk turkey and by that I mean money.
Sean: Oh, we just thought we'd pay the standard rate of $20,000.
Dee: 20,000. Okay, I like the sound of that. I'm gonna throw something at you guys so brace yourselves. What are your thoughts on doubling down so to speak and going for twins?
Sean: Aha...
Kate: No.
Sean: No...
Dee: Well, if it's a matter of price, I'm willing to cut you a deal on the second one. And we don't have to stop at two. I've typed up a price sheet I'd like the two of you to peruse. If you look down around number four or five, that's when you really start to see some savings. You guys wanna go for an octomom thing? Huh? I'm game. You wanna have ten? You wanna outdo that bitch? Ha, I'll have that conversation! I'm kidding, I don't want ten people inside of me.

Dennis: Guys, we're forsaking the group dynamic, okay? And truthfully, Charlie, come on. I mean, nobody wants a wild card, okay? It doesn't make any sense. We don't want a maniac in our group. There's no benefit to it.
Charlie: Mm-hmm.
Dennis: Uh, I feel like you just agreed with me but you weren't listening to what I was saying.
Charlie: Yes...
[points to Mac and Dennis]
Mac: You pointed at me like I said something but I didn't.
Charlie: Oh, good.
Mac: Charlie, having someone making wild decisions that make no sense, that benefits nobody.
Charlie: Oh, yes. Right, yes.
Dennis: Is he listen...?
Mac: He's listening. He's not understanding.
Charlie: Yeah, he doesn't even, like, get us, man. It's...
Dennis: We're talking about you!

Dee: [in a yellow pantsuit] I am presenting myself as a powerful lady.
Frank: You're presenting yourself as a banana.

Uncle: Did you see his hands? They're beautiful, I think we should settle.
Bill: Jesus Christ, I'm going to prison.

Charlie: [interrupting Billy arguing with Sara] Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Give me some eyes! Look at me! Cool your jets!
Billy: I'm sorry.
Charlie: All right, beat it!
[Charlie pushes Billy away]
Charlie: [talking to Sara] Are you okay?
Sara: He's such a player.
Charlie: Is he a player?
Sara: Big time.
Charlie: I hate players. All right, I'm sorry. I'm getting fired up here.
[Charlie walks away with Mac]
Mac: Charlie, that was the coolest thing you've ever done!
Charlie: I know. I'm gonna be sick.

Frank: Okay, here it is. Al Jolson in The Jazz Singer, 1927.
Dennis: How is that not racist to you?
Mac: This is a terrible example of blackface. The guy isn't trying to look like a real person.
Frank: Well, he almost had the mouth right. See, that's what I'm saying about the full lips.
Mac: The lips are the most offensive part! The guy is bugging his eyes out like a cartoon character, okay? This is racist as shit!
Dennis: All blackface is racist no matter how it's portrayed, and that is the point I'm trying to make. You just cannot cast a white man as a black man and paint his face black. You cannot do it.
Mac: They're actors. They're trying to create an illusion. In The Lord of the Rings movies, Ian McKellen plays a wizard. Do you think he goes home at night and shoots laser beams into his boyfriend's asshole? I don't think so, dude. Tom Cruise is a midget... shorter then the average man. But he plays guys that are normal in size and height in the movies.
Dennis: Once again, nobody is buying that either. Ian McKellen playing a wizard and Tom Cruise playing taller men is not a fair comparison to white people portraying blackface.
Mac: Okay, look at this. This is Laurence Olivier in Othello... . playing the lead character in blackface. This is James Earl Jones. Now, look how close they resemble each other. Look!
Frank: James Earl Jones is doing a great blackface
Dennis: James Earl Jones is a blackface. He's a black man!
Frank: He's not black, he was Darth Vader!
Mac: Darth Vader was black.
Frank: No. Darth Vader was not black. They took the mask off in Return of the Jedi... he was white!

Dee: Dennis, maybe you need to rethink this whole plan of yours. I don't think getting Charlie laid is going to help his cancer problem.
Dennis: Whatever.
Mac: Dennis, I think I found the perfect girl for Charlie! Smart, beautiful, the whole thing.
Dennis: Where?
Mac: Right there.
Dennis: Over there by the pool table?
Mac: Yeah. Nice.
Dennis: That's great, Mac.
Dee: Good work, Mac.
Dennis: That's a dude.

Dennis: There's really only one thing that determines whether a person will be accused of sexual harassment and that is... ugliness.

Dee: I haven't seen you for a month, and I'm standing here in a neck brace. Are you gonna ask me how I'm doing... or what happened... or...
Mrs. Reynolds: I assume you did something stupid.
Dee: Dennis ran me over with his car!
Mrs. Reynolds: There you go again! Don't you think it's about time you start taking responsibility for your actions?
Dee: I...
Mrs. Reynolds: [interrupting her] I want my possessions returned.
[Barbara feeds her dog some food from a plate]
Dee: I was eating that, mother!
Mrs. Reynolds: I've been running around. I haven't had time to feed the dog. Could you stop thinking about yourself for once? And besides, you don't need it, sweetie.
[Dee gasps, squeals, and storms off]
Mrs. Reynolds: Well that's attractive. Maybe if you took a bit more pride in your appearance you could find a man, and then you wouldn've have to steal from your mother. I mean, look at your skin, Deandra. Christ, there is a sun in Philadelphia.

Frank: I'm not gonna be buried in a grave. When I'm dead, just throw me in the trash.

Dennis: Let's talk about your likes and dislikes. Um, how 'bout your favorite food, what would that be?
Charlie: Oh, milk steak.
Dennis: Hm, what?
Charlie: Milk steak.
Dennis: I'm not putting milk steak!
Mac: Just put steak, just put regular steak...
Dennis: I'm gonna put steak.
Charlie: Don't put steak, put milk steak. She'll know what it is.
Dennis: No, she won't know what it is, Charlie. Nobody knows what that is. Okay, alright, what's your favorite hobby?
Charlie: Uh, magnets.
Dennis: Okay, wha- like making magnets, collecting magnets?
Mac: Playing with magnets?
Charlie: Just magnets.
Dennis: I'm gonna put snowboarding. We'll put snowboarding. Alright, what are some of your likes?
Charlie: Uh, ghouls.
Mac: Son of a bitch. What are you talking about now?
Charlie: You know, funny little green ghouls.
Dennis: What, like in movies? In cartoons?
Charlie: Little green ghouls, buddy!
Mac: Don't write ghouls!
Dennis: I'm not, I'm putting travel! Jesus Christ! What are your dislikes?
Charlie: People's knees.
Dennis: Oh, come on! Dude, come on! We'll make the whole thing up, let's get outta here. We're not even gonna use you.
Mac: Bro, you've gotta be kidding. You know what, we'll just make it all up.
Charlie: Cover your knees up if you're gonna be walking around everywhere...

Charlie: Hey Frank, what guy hasn't done some extensive research on his own genitalia? Don't say you, buddy, 'cause I woke up to you doing some pretty frantic research last night, pal!
Frank: We can go tit for tat on that one, so you better drop that subject!

Charlie: [after Dennis hits him with his SUV] Dennis, you son of a bitch!

Dennis: Listen, listen, listen. I wanna be inside you. I wanna do shit to you that is gonna make you realize what a worthless, boring piece of shit your husband really is.
Christie: Wait a second, I'm confused. Why would you wanna have sex with me?
Dennis: Why the hell wouldn't I wanna have sex with you? I mean, bam, boom, boom.
Christie: Because you're gay.
Dennis: What! I'm not gay.
Christie: Dude, you're wearing makeup.
Dennis: Yeah, I'm wearing a little bit of makeup, who-who doesn't?
Christie: And a girdle.
Dennis: Yeah, I wanted to seem thin for the occasion. That's not weird...

Waitress: I'm going to stab him, I'm going to stab his face off!

Dee: [reading from note] Taked baby. Meet at later bar, night or day... sometime.
Dee: Charlie!

Dennis: Shut up, dog!
[chucks beer in Frank's face]

[Frank and Mac are walking down the street; Frank is cackling drunkenly and spraying beer out of his mouth]
Mac: [tapping him on the shoulder] All right, Frank, here's another idea.
Frank: [surprised] Oh-ho-oh! Where'd you come from?
Mac: I've been walking next to you the entire time.
Frank: [opening another beer] Sorry, I'm-I'm a little, uh, lit. And, uh, I been goin' over this thing, I'm tryin' to figure out how...
Mac: [overlapping] How to bang Donna. I know, you've been talkin' about it for the last five miles. You know what, dude, it doesn't matter, I got a better idea. I think you should bang Gail the Snail.
[Frank gulps down his beer]
Frank: My niece?
Mac: Yeah!
Frank: Gail the Snail?
Mac: Yeah, dude, what's more depraved than that, huh? Plus you're not blood-related, so it's not that weird.
Frank: [belches in Mac's face] That is a good idea. I like the way you're thinkin'.
Mac: [annoyed] Yeah.
[Frank hawks several times; Mac grimaces and waves his hand in front of his face]
Frank: What's in it for you?
Mac: Huh?
[Frank hawks again]
Mac: Uugghh, Jesus...
Frank: What's in it for you?
Mac: Don't worry about what's in it for me, dude.
[Frank hawks again]
Mac: Oh, my God, you are disgusting! A disgusting animal!
[he walks away; Frank hawks one more time as beer foam bubbles out of his mouth and down his chest]

Dee: Whoa, that was really weird.
Dennis: Yeah. Well this confirms it. He definitely got molested.
Dee: Ugh. We gotta get in there.
Dennis: Get - we gotta get in there?
Dee: Yes!
Dennis: You can't just thrust yourself into the position of caregiver like that.
Dee: Caregiver? Why are you throwing around big words? You know, I actually majored in psych so...
Dennis: Yeah, well you failed all your classes.
Dee: So?
Dennis: And I had a minor and I passed all mine so...
Dee: Okay well you know what? 3/4 of a major is a lot bigger than a whole minor.
Dennis: I don't even know how to respond to that.
Dee: Well, that doesn't surprise me.
Dennis: Well, it shouldn't because what you said is really... dumb.
Dee: That's a good one.
Dennis: Yeah, it is.
Dee: It's good. I liked that one.
Dennis: I felt good about it.

Dennis: [Speaking to Dee] Lucky for you I have experience covering up blunt force trauma.

Charlie: Whoa, I bring nothing to the table? Oh, really? You ever stop for one second to think about hey, where did all the groceries come from, Frank? Oh, how did my laundry get so clean? Oh, oh, who washed all the dishes today?
Frank: Nobody washes the dishes! We eat the food directly off the coffee table, and you know it!

Dee: What's going on down there?
Wayne: Those two guys are pretending to be disabled and kicking each other's asses.
Dee: What a bunch of scumbags.
[Dee drags herself away in her back-brace and crutches]

[repeated line]
Dee: Boom.

Dennis: [going to buy crack to get on welfare] Okay, we'll smoke a little bit. Just enough to get it into our system.
Dee: Yeah, and then we'll go to the doctor and we'll get all of our paperwork and we'll get full benefits.
Dennis: Yeah, and then we'll just collect for just a little while, until we get settled. And then, uh, I'll take the MCATs.
Dee: And I'll move to New York. Perfect.
[notices crack dealer outside car]
Dee: Ahh!
Dennis: Ohh! My God! Whew.
Dee: Jesus!
Dennis: Wow, you scared us. Oh, not 'cause you're black. No, no, no, we're not racist.
Dee: No, no, God no.
Dennis: No, it's just that the neighborhood is scary...
Dee: If you were another ethnicity you'd pop, you'd really pop up.
Dennis: But it's a nice neighborhood, I mean, it's okay... It's the nature of this...
Crack: Roll your window down.

Dennis: I think all these chicks are gay.
Dee: Yeah, I don't know that they're gay. I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.

Charlie: You're telling me that you believe that Christ comes back to life every Sunday in the form of a bowl of crackers and you proceed to just eat the man?

Dennis: You mark my words. If you decide to get into Def Poetry, you are going to fail and bomb and gag, and fail and bomb.

Dee: Audited? Why, what are you- what are you talking about? I'm not scamming the government if that's what you're saying.
Susan: Your license plate says "$CAMMIN".

Dee: A 24-hr clock? Is this why we had to wait for you to go to Bed, Bath & Beyond?
Dennis: Yes, Dee you Goddamned bitch!

Dennis: If you don't like smoke, then don't come into the bar.
Charlie: I *work* in this bar. I work here.
Dennis: But that's because you have the freedom to choose to work here, okay? Smoking bans, they don't protect freedom, they strip it away from smokers
Frank: Look, I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.
Dee: You went to Vietnam in *1993* to open up a sweatshop!
Frank: And a lot of good men died in that sweatshop.

Dennis: [digging through trunk] Oh, they're all gonna pay. They're all gonna pay the ultimate price!
Charlie: Whoa!
Mac: Dude, what's all that stuff you're grabbing?
Dennis: Tools! Tools! Duct tape, zip ties and gloves! I have to have my tools!
Charlie: Wh-why do you have a bunch of, like, weird tools in a hidden compartment in your car?
Dennis: It's fetish- it's fetish shit! I-I-I like to bind, I like to be bound!

Mac: [sees Frank and company grilling outside] What the hell is going on out here?
Frank: We're makin' brownies...
Matthew: The drug-filled kind.

Ingrid: Okay, Dennis, I'm confused.
Dennis: Why's that?
Ingrid: These are just pictures of women with giant breasts.
Dennis: ...Yeah.
Ingrid: And in some of these sketches, the women aren't even wearing clothes.
Dennis: Yes.
Ingrid: Well... Why?
Dennis: Listen... Let me level with you. You're an attractive girl. I mean certainly you've got some potential, right? There's no reason to be so nervous around me. Why don't you just order a couple of my dresses and maybe if you're lucky, I'll even make one special just for you. And if you look good enough in it... hell, I might even consider having sex with you. How does that sound?
Ingrid: Terrible.
Dennis: Alright, let's just calm down. You're having a reaction. It's understandable. It's the nerd in you talking. Why don't we start over. How many of my dresses would you like to order?
Ingrid: None. Not one.
Dennis: Okay, well I'm not going to take no for an answer because I just refuse to do that because I'm a winner and winners... we don't listen to words like "no" or "don't" or "stop!" Those words are just not in our vocabulary. I know what you need. You need to see my dresses on a model. I'll tell you what, I'm going to come back tomorrow with a model.
Ingrid: Please don't do that.
Dennis: Save your breath, Ingrid. Those words have never worked on me. I'll see you tomorrow.

Dee: Oh look, plutonium smuggled into Syria. Yeah, that's gonna change my life drastically.
Dennis: That's gonna change everyone's lives! No one can go to Syria anymore for vacation!

Dennis: Holy shit. No, that guy's retarded.
Dee: Well, you're retarded.
Dennis: No, Dee, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying he is an actual retarded person. Yeah, we went to elementary school together. He used to take classes in a trailer outside school. He rode the short bus.
Dee: Whatever. You think I wouldn't know if the guy I'm dating is retarded?
[the gang gives her a look]
Dee: There is no way I am dating a retarded person.

Charlie: I thought women our age didn't give hickeys anymore.
Dennis: No, they don't. Young ladies do though, and I met an extremely young lady the other day and she gave me this hickey.
Charlie: Weird.
Dennis: She was legal, she was totally legal. I always check their lisences.

Charlie: Alright, well the problem was that I got the flashlight on and I taped the whole deal up and I realized I'd have to cut all the tape off to get the tape in and I didn't have much more duct tape so I figured stick with the flashlight while we got it.
Mac: So you never put a tape in?
Frank: While we were out there taping the guys with the fish!
Mac: In the nursing home! Outside!
Charlie: Oh my god! See what's happening here is we're getting a yelling and!
Mac: Yeah we're gonna get yelling!
Charlie: Oh I'm sorry! OH I FORGOT TO PUT A TAPE IN! I FORGOT TO PUT A TAPE IN!

Charlie: Cat in the wall, eh? Okay, now you're talkin' my language! I know that game.

Mac: I'm gay.

Frank: Remember the time we robbed a motorcycle an ran it into the river? Oh, you must be doing shit like that now, huh? Come on.
Angie: Well, I've slowed down quite a bit once I met my husband, Carl.
Frank: Oh... you said you weren't married.
Angie: Oh, I'm not. Carl passed a few years ago.
Frank: Oh...
Angie: Once I met him and had kids, I pretty much stayed at home. Carl had two children from a previous marriage and then we had five of our own.
Frank: Oh, shit!

Frank: Deandra, your breath is dogshit.

Dee: Did you bring the condoms?
Mac: Ooooh. Not a fan of the whole condom thing.

Dee: [at the public pool] That girl just jumped in with her sneakers on!
Dennis: These people all have sneakers on!

Dee: Okay, I know you all are super stoked to be watching a movie in a bar. But we're just gonna keep it on the down low, you know what I mean? We don't need your parents and the principal finding out. It's just our little secret.
Lisa: I've been in a bar before.
Dee: No, you haven't.
Craig: I've been in *this* bar before.

Country: You better jump quick before somebody tries to stop you.
Mac: Trust me, no one's gonna try and stop me.
[car horn honks]
Driver: Jump, asshole!
Mac: Yep. See, in the big city, nobody cares whether you live or die.
Man: Jump, you pussy!

Frank: Charlie, I want a list of the top ten shareholders of the company ASAP, and call the press. Put out a press release. Tell them The Warthog is back in business. Also, there are too many minorities and women working here. What's up with that?

Frank: I'm going to go oil my chainsaw.
Dee: What?
Dennis: Frank, we don't need the chainsaw. Is that what's in that bag?
Frank: Oh, we do... because drawing a confession out of someone is like doing a beautiful dance... a beautiful dance with a chainsaw.
Dennis: He makes less and less sense as the days go by.
Dee: I don't get it... at all.

Crack: [at the free clinic] Hey pretty boy, whatcha here for?
Dennis: My friend's getting a... blood test.
Crack: Your boyfriend?
Dennis: No, he's not my... he's not my boyfriend.
Crack: He got AIDS?
Dennis: I don't... I don't think so.
Crack: Do you?
Dennis: No, I don't.
Crack: I'll blow you for 10 dollars.

Dennis: The customers have to think that you think that you don't want to be together, but you do, deep down, want to be together. The problem is, right now, I'm getting that you guys don't want to be together. I need you to want to be together.
Dee: Ugh.
Mac: [raises hand] Question.
Dennis: Yes, you're wondering how we're gonna make Dee attractive enough to where you'll want to be with her.
Mac: Yes.

Curator: [after being shown the Nazi officers jacket] I find this offensive for so many reasons. I'm guessing you acquired this through illegal means. For me to take this from you would be an extension of that. And secondly, that you would expect it would "make my day" assumes that I'm interested in profiting off the murder of millions of innocent people!
[Mac glances at Charlie; Charlie nods]
Mac: How much will you give us for it?
Curator: Nothing.
Charlie: Nothing, orrr...?
Curator: I plan to call the police the minute you guys leave my office.

Charlie: Dennis, can I give you some advice?
Dennis: Absolutely not.

Bonnie: Hi, Jack!
Charlie's: Hi, Bonnie. Just stopping by to pick up that hard drive I accidentally left under the floorboards.
Bonnie: Oh, come on in!
Charlie's: Okay.

Frank: I got a confession. I was at Chappaquiddick. The girl, Teddy Kennedy, the bridge, the car. I played a major role.

Rebecca: I guess I was a little curious, you know, I mean he's my grandfather and I know nothing about him.
Mac: Yeah, well he was a great man.
Rebecca: Really?
Mac: Yeah. Yeah, just a very warm and gentle soul actually.
Rebecca: So you knew him?
Mac: Yeah, I wouldn't actually say that I knew him all that well, but we did...
Dennis: I-I knew him pretty well. Yeah, we got pretty close near the end there.
Rebecca: Wow, really?
Mac: I knew him too. I... I just only meant... I thought you meant...
Dennis: He didn't know him as well as I did though.
Rebecca: Oh. Well listen, I should go. I have to get back to work, I just wanted to stop in.
Dennis: Of course, yeah. Well listen, if you ever wanna stop by, you know, I'll tell you some stories about your grandfather that you would not believe.
Mac: I-I'll make myself available as well.
Dennis: Don't worry about it.

Charlie: Oh. Yeah, I know. Okay? I was using you. That's why I kissed you in front of the Waitress. That's why I banged you a bunch of times, just to make the Waitress jealous. Amazing. You slept with me almost instantly. And by the way, a quality woman doesn't do that. She doesn't say yes right away. She says no to a man, for years, like 10 years. That's what a real woman does, OK? You know what you were acting like? A stupid little rich slut. And that's all that you are.

Mac: Will you be providing the weapons?
Neighborhood: No.
Mac: No... Oh, I get it. Okay, we go buy the weapons, we tell you how much we spent, you reimburse us. Great.
Neighborhood: Doesn't work like that.
Dee: You gotta give him a receipt.
Mac: Oh, I would make a copy of the receipt.
Dee: No, no, no, you give them the original.
Mac: I would give them the original and I would keep the copy? That seems stupid.
Dee: Oh, I'm sorry that that's how reimbursement works.
Mac: What if something happens to the weapons, then I'm shit outta luck?
Dee: Oh, well then you just ask them for the original back. I'm sure they got a system in place.
Mac: Why would they keep the original, I'm the one that bought the gun!
Dee: Oh, it's a gun now!
Mac: It's always been a gun, Dee!

Dennis: [holding flowers and chocolates] Hi.
Mrs. Mac: What?
Dennis: I'm looking for Mrs. Mac. Is she in? I'm a friend of her son's.
Mrs. Mac: I know you, Dennis.
Dennis: Oh... oh, my God... ah... it's been a long time. I haven't seen you in a while, you look different.
Mrs. Mac: I gained a little weight.
Dennis: Is that what it is? 'Looks good on ya.
Mrs. Mac: Yeah.
Dennis: Yeah... Mind if I sit?
[Mrs. Mac groans]
Dennis: So, watching a little TV outside, huh?
Mrs. Mac: I like the fresh air.
Dennis: Probably gets a little lonely though, every once in a while, watching TV out here by yourself. Every once in a while you probably want a man, right?
[Mrs. Mac sighs]
Dennis: Someone to fulfill your desires?
[puts hand on Mrs. Mac's thigh]
Mrs. Mac: Oh... Not interested.
Dennis: Don't fight it, Mrs. Mac. Why don't we go inside and have a little fun.
Mrs. Mac: 'Don't find you attractive.
Dennis: What?
Mrs. Mac: I think you're an ugly man.
Dennis: You think I'm ugly?
Mrs. Mac: Yeah.
Dennis: I'm not ugly, you're ugly.
Mrs. Mac: Yeah.

Charlie: I feel like you're saying "boy's hole" and it's clearly "soul".

Dee: [on her pro-choice poster] Viva la Vulva

Frank: [after a water stain that resembles the Virgin Mary is found in the back room, and the gang is arguing about if it's a miracle] Alright! Listen! It could be a miracle... or it could be bullshit! But we know one thing's for sure...
Charlie: What's that?
Frank: It's a goddamn gold-mine!

Frank: [introducing himself to a group of parents who have gathered at Paddy's Pub to enter their children in a pageant] I know some of you may have heard about that other guy... I am not gonna diddle your kids. I'm not like that; that's not my thing. I met that guy in a titty bar!

Frank: I brought a nail gun.
Dennis: Is that what that is? You're not gonna shoot nails in me!
Mac: No, I think a couple of severe burns from the cigar is what's gonna do the trick.
Frank: No, no, no, you need deep wounds. This'll give you deep wounds.

Dennis: Alright, so how does one go about figuring out what another human being would do? How do you truly get to know someone?
Charlie: You just go through their trash.
Dee: Sleep with them.
Mac: Talk to their priest, then sleep with the priest, then blackmail the priest. Then go back to the priest and ask him to ask God to forgive you for blackmailing him.

Sally: And then he posted a bunch of naked pics of me online and that was the last straw.
Mac: Oh, my God, that's disgusting! Naked pics online? Where? Where did he post those?
Sally: I don't know, one of those disgusting ex-girlfriend porno sites.
Mac: Ugh, those disgusting ex-girlfriend porno sites! I mean, there's so many of them though! Which one?

Dennis: [Mac, Charlie, and Dennis standing outside of the church] Well, I'll tell you, guys. I didn't feel much in there, but I always enjoy the little wafers.
Mac: Of course you do. Because you're consuming the actual body of Christ.
Dennis: Uh-huh. Well, he was delicious.

Dee: If I had to write an article about you, it would say that you're very negative. The headline might be "Most negative man in the world calls other people white trash to make himself not feel so faggy."

Mac: This is Aristotle. Thought to be the smartest man on the planet. He believed that the Earth was the center of the universe, and everybody believed him because he was so smart. Until another smartest guy came around, Galileo, and he disproved that theory making Aristotle and everybody else on earth look like a
[slaps sticker on board]
Mac: BITCH! 'Course Galileo then thought that comets were an optical illusion and there's no way that the moon could cause the ocean's tides. Everybody believed that because he was so smart. He was also wrong. Making him and everyone else on Earth
[slaps another sticker on board]
Mac: look like a bitch again. And then, best of all, Sir Issac Newton gets born and blows everybody's nips off with his brains. 'Course he also thought he could turn metal into gold and died eating mercury making him yet another stupid
[slaps 3rd sticker on board]
Mac: BITCH! Are you seeing a pattern?

Dennis: It's interesting, our thing, isn't it? To be in someone's mind, to have complete control. It's like the thrill of being near the executioner's switch knowing that at any moment you could throw it, but knowing you never will. But you could. Never isn't the right word because I could, and I might. And I probably will.
Therapist: Will you sit down please?

Dennis: Charlie can't read.
Frank: He'll adapt.
Dennis: He'll adapt to reading?

Dee: I am not a failure!
Mac: Dennis, what is it that you call it when somebody tries to do something but doesn't succeed?
Dennis: Uh, that would in fact be a failure.
Mac: Dee is a failure.

Dennis: How much cheese have you eaten today?
Charlie: How much cheese is too much cheese?
Dennis: Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese!
Charlie: I had a lot of cheese, I had a block of cheese.
Mac: You had a block of cheese?
Charlie: I got really, really nervous I just started eating cheese.
Mac: [annoyed and confused] Does that calm you down?

Mac: That's my system, the M.A.C. Move in After Completion. I wait till you're done with them, and then I swoop in, give them a shoulder to cry on, and then we hump.

Charlie: Hey, look, I'll swallow that eraser whole just to prove to you...
Principal: Oh, no, please.
Charlie: I'll swallow it whole!
Principal: No, no, no, you don't have to do that. But I have to say I don't think I've ever encountered someone who's so passionate about joining our custodial staff.
Charlie: The passion I have for the work that I do is extraordinary. It probably goes beyond janitor. And I'm serious, I'll eat that eraser whole.
Principal: Oh, no. It's not- you don't need to eat the eraser to prove your point. Uh, you have the job.
Charlie: Are you serious?
Principal: I love your attitude. It's fantastic.
Charlie: Sir, I am not gonna let you down. I mean, I am gonna start cleaning immediately, immediately! Uh, but first, can I eat the eraser?
Principal: Are... you're saying you want to eat the eraser?

Mac: [referring to band] You're not in it.
Dennis: Why am I not in it? I have a great voice.
Mac: You do have a great voice. You know what man, you have an excellent voice. The problem is that you're like into all of that early eighties glam rock fem shit and that's not the artistic direction that I want to take the band in.
Dennis: Artistic direction? You guys don't even play instruments.
Mac: Well that doesn't matter, does it? Because it's all about rocking and looking good and kicking ass.
Frank: Yeah, he's right. It's all about image and marketing. I mean, there are no band out there with any musical ability.
Mac: Frank, I like the way you think. You're in the band!

Charlie: Bro, I can handle my sedatives.

Mac: There are two guys in this church that are gay!
Charlie: Who's the other guy?

Dee: [Yelling] Which one of you little shits stole my shoes?

Dennis: [inner monologue] I'm gonna make Mac look so bad. My form is perfect, I'm like Jerry Rice. Feel that stride, so fluid and fast. I've got the stride of a gazelle. A beautiful, beautiful gazelle person. My body is achieving a perfect symmetry right now. It's that long, lean muscle I've worked so hard to achieve. Hm, I should've popped my shirt off. Goddammit, really should've popped that shirt off. I wonder if any women are watching from the sidelines...
[gets hit with football and is knocked unconscious]

Charlie: But I am who I am.
Mac: Yeah, but let's pretend you aren't who you are and just try to attract a woman.

Dee: Tell you what. Property taxes - paying for what you already own? Now THAT'S a scam.

Mac: What do we need a mattress for?
Dennis: What do you mean what do we need a mattress for? Why in the hell do you think we just spent all that money on a boat? The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy topside so we can take 'em to a nice comfortable place below deck and, you know, they can't refuse, because of the implication.
Mac: Oh, uh... okay. You had me going there for the first part, the second half kinda threw me.
Dennis: Well dude, dude, think about it: she's out in the middle of nowhere with some dude she barely knows. You know, she looks around and what does she see? Nothin' but open ocean. "Ahh, there's nowhere for me to run. What am I gonna do, say 'no'?"
Mac: Okay. That... that seems really dark.
Dennis: Nah, no it's not dark. You're misunderstanding me, bro.
Mac: I'm-I think I am.
Dennis: Yeah, you are, because if the girl said "no" then the answer obviously is "no"...
Mac: No, right.
Dennis: But the thing is she's not gonna say "no", she would never say "no" because of the implication.
Mac: ...Now you've said that word "implication" a couple of times. Wha-what implication?
Dennis: The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me. Now, not that things are gonna go wrong for her but she's thinkin' that they will.
Mac: But it sounds like she doesn't wanna have sex with you...
Dennis: Why aren't you understanding this? She-she doesn't know if she wants to have sex with me. That's not the issue...
Mac: Are you gonna hurt women?
Dennis: I'm not gonna hurt these women! Why would I ever hurt these women? I feel like you're not getting this at all!
Mac: I'm not getting it.
Dennis: Goddamn.
[notices woman staring at them]
Dennis: Well don't you look at me like that, you certainly wouldn't be in any danger.
Mac: So they are in danger!
Dennis: No one's in any danger!

Mac: He always puts some like awesome twist at the end of his movies to trick the audience.
Charlie: Aw yeah, yeah, like in The Sixth Sense you find out that the dude in that hair piece the whole time, that's Bruce Willis the whole movie.

Charlie: What are you gonna do, hit him? No, that's a terrible idea, I'll tell you why: it doesn't unbang your mom.

Artemis: It's time to take off my bra and blast my nips.

Liam: We're taking you bitches hostage.

Female: All right. And what is the reason you're requesting a loan today?
Mac: Wait for it. Gasoline.
Female: Excuse me?
Mac: Don't rush me.
Dennis: Don't rush him.
Mac: Thank you, I feel rushed. Look, here's the plan. You give us a shitload of money, we buy a shitload of gasoline. We wait 12 months, we sell the gasoline, and make a shitload of profit.
Female: Gentlemen, we tend to give loans to businesses, not, um...
Mac: She's not getting it. Get the graph.
Dennis: Oh yeah, the graph.
Mac: We have a graph.
Dennis: [holds up graph] Yeah, check this out. Now these are the gas prices last year, these are the gas prices this year, and this is what the gas prices will be.
Female: [indicating women drawings] And what are those?
Dennis: Uh, these are gorgeous women with heaving breasts.
Female: Why?
Dennis: Uh, well, to be perfectly honest, we sort of thought we'd be speaking to a man today, so...
Mac: Yeah. Is there any way that we could talk to your boss? Because I think he would understand more better.
Female: My boss is a woman.
Mac: Really?
Dennis: Your boss is a woman? Now this is a strange bank.
Female: Okay, well, I am definitely rejecting your request for $300,000 to buy gasoline.

Andrew: I think closing at 31's a pretty fair deal, don't you?
Dennis: 31? Well, you know, guys, these things tend to be a little complicated.
Dee: [in a Canadian accent] Oh, I think ya can do better.
Bill: Oh, you looked over the proposal?
Dennis: She glanced at it. We're not... Tell us more about it.
Dee: Ya, I sure did, and I tell you what, I seen better-looking moose turds in Rick Moranis' backyard, ya hosers. Mm?
Dennis: She's got a sense of humor that would just... You know, it gets frustrating.

Mac: [while dancing] Shouldn't have gotten knocked out of the competition ya old bitch!

Mort: Frank. Frank. I need some water. My mouth is dry.
Frank: Your mouth is dry. Go into the toilet and run your mouth under the sink.
[Mac and Charlie raise their hands]
Dennis: Okay...
Charlie: Yeah, can I? Could I? Can I?
Dee: [raises hand] I have a...
Charlie: Who's that?
Frank: He's the mortician. I invited him.

Frank: All right, now pretend that this shoe is an unboned chicken and you're gonna cook it tonight and make a tasty dinner that's gonna smell all through the house like cooked chicken.
Beth: Actually, I'm vegan.
Frank: Okay, then pretend this shoe is whatever you people eat. Maybe it *is* a shoe.
Dee: Nice one.

Frank: You better not lose your hair 'cause you're an ugly bald man.
Mac: Not as ugly as you, bitch!

Mac: I think you should bang Gail the Snail.
Frank: My neice?
Mac: Yeah.
Frank: Gail the Snail?
Mac: Dude, what's more depraved than that, huh? She's not blood related so it's not that weird.

Mac: These kids are wasted, bro. I thought we were cutting them off?
Dennis: I am cutting them off. These kids haven't had more than three drinks each. Plus, there's so much water in them, they're probably more hydrated than they ever have been in there entire lives.

Sinbad: You know what? Unleash the fury. Get his shoe. Beat his testicles!

Jackie: What is it that you do again?
Charlie: I'm like a janitor at- um, I'm a... full-on rapist, you know? Uh, Africans, dyslexics, children, that sorta thing.

Kate: Do you have any history with drugs or alcohol?
Dee: Never. Neither.
Sean: Um, any family history of mental illness?
Dee: Uh, well my brother's a dick if that counts.

Charlie: Now let's talk about the trash. What do I do with the trash? How do I dispose of the trash?
Dennis: I don't know. We disposed the trash in the dumpster last night. What are you doing with it?
Charlie: I am taking it to the furnace.
Mac: We have a furnace?
Charlie: Absolutely. Where do you think the heat comes from?
Dennis: You burn the trash in the furnace?
Charlie: This bar runs on trash, dude. This bar is totally green that way.
Dennis: How is burning trash green?
Charlie: Uh, because I'm recycling the trash into heat for the bar and lots of smoke for the bar. I'm giving the bar the good smoky smell that we all like.
Mac: The bar smells like trash.

Dennis: Where am I having dinner tonight, Frank? I'm kind of in the mood for Asian fusion.
Frank: No more dinners. We're going straight to bangin' from now on. Check this out.
[shows Dennis his newspaper ad]
Dennis: Jesus Christ, man.
Frank: What, you got a problem?
Dennis: Yeah. This makes me seem like a whore.
Frank: You are a whore.
Dennis: I'm not a whore, I'm a handsome companion who goes to nice dinners with fancy women, and who has rules about what he'll do. I mean, what happened to the rules, Frank?
Frank: You can still have your rules.
Dennis: It says right here "no rules"!

Mac: [after being threatened by the mob] To be honest fellas we're about six beers deep here so you're gonna have to be a little clearer.

Mac: Okay, Anya, so they are in fact double Ds, that's great news. Well, you got a great look. No denying that. Let me ask you a question, though. Why should I pick you over the other girls?
Anya: [seductively] I'm willing to do anything in order to win.
Mac: You're talking about banging me, right?
Anya: Maybe.
Mac: If you say "yes" I could...
Anya: Yes.
Mac: [writing in notepad] Okay, great, you said yes. Okay, Anya said yes. That's written down now...
Anya: Yes.
Mac: That's like a contract. All right, perfect. Can't go back on it. All right, well thank you for coming in.
Anya: Thank you.
Mac: Nice talkin' to ya.
Anya: You too.
Mac: You got a great chance. You got a *great* ass.

Charlie: Mac, can an asshole rip in half?
Mac: Like tissue paper.

Charlie: GOOD MORNING, JUAREZ FAMILY!

Dennis: You're gonna wanna nurture that dependence that she's feeling on you now, guys. Have her car towed, or you could slash her tires. Either way, make her depend on you for rides. Or you can use my personal go-to, which is to create a fictional angry neighbor who's threatening her and tell her you'll take care of 'em. Hit up a payphone so that she can't trace the calls back to you, give her a call and say something along the lines of, "I'm watching you, you bitch. You're gonna die tonight!"
Dee: Oh for Christ's sake, you're a complete sociopath!
Dennis: Don't interrupt.

Frank: Charlie, I need a woman. I need a woman to... to cook for me, and clean up after me, and somebody that will do everything I say.
Charlie: Well, that's just a maid. You want a maid?
Frank: Yeah, that's right, a maid. A maid I can bang.

[repeated line]
Mac: What's up, bitches?

Mac: [looking over prospective employees at the welfare office] What about that one? He seems strong. Look at those massive thighs.
Charlie: Yeah those are good thighs, but you're gonna have a problem with work ethic.
Mac: That's what I'm talking about dude, you can't be saying things like that.
Charlie: No dude, I'm not saying that 'cause he's black, I'm saying 'cause he's asleep in his chair.

Mac: See what's happening here? Do you see this? Family values in this country are going down the toilet and it's because of people like you. Men and women raising a child together is a proven system a thousand years old. There are parental roles that need to be filled here, right? Otherwise the child ends up roaming the streets, having unprotected sex with multiple partners, sharing needles, and contracting the HIV virus, and it's all your fault. Are you happy, Dee? Is this what you wanted? You just gave this baby full blow AIDS!

Charlie: I got the Lord, I got the Lord, I got the good Lord he's goin' down on me, down on me.

Mac: Your mom and dad aren't at work. That's probably why they lost the house. They're probably at the track getting wasted.

[Dee pulls out a stuffed toy elephant]
Dennis: Mr. Tibbs.
Dee: Oh, is that it? Is that Mr. Tibbs? Is that what they call you? They call you Mr. Tibbs.
[Dee rips off Mr. Tibbs' head]
Dee: What do they call you now?
Dennis: Whatever. I don't care.
Dee: Huh.
[Dennis turns away and silently gasps]

Mac: I'm gay. So that still means that I'm a minority.
Dennis: Yeah, but are you more gay than you are a Catholic?
Mac: I don't know. They're at war.

Frank: Merry Christmas, bitches!

Mac: I'm wearing a mesh shirt, and it's totally sweet. You guys probably want me to burn it, but I won't, all right? Now, I like this choice. I like the choices I've made. I like who I am, all right? But I realize I've been lying to myself over the past few years, and I'm done lying, okay? And I've found someone who's gonna allow me to be me.
Dennis: Okay, good.
Charlie: Oh, good, all right, yeah.
Dee: Great. Finally. Yes.
Dennis: Let's do this.
Charlie: That all makes sense. Let's get this over with.

Mac: I don't have enough facts to support my argument.
Dennis: Clearly.

Frank: Could be a miracle or could be bullshit? All I know is, it's a Goddamn goldmine!

Frank: You don't look like a gay guy.
Dennis: That's because he's a bear.
Mac: What?
Dennis: He's a bear. You see, some gay guys are twinks and other are bears. This gay guy's a bear. By the way, we are totally cool with that. To each his own.
Frank: Wait, I'm a little confused here. What's a twink?
Dennis: A twink is small and slender, like Mac.
Mac: Oh, no, I'm too muscular. I would be a bear.
Dennis: Uh, don't think so, bro. Not hairy enough.
Frank: Smooth. Now, I would be a bear.
Dennis: No, no. See, I don't think you'd be a bear either. As a matter of fact, I don't know what you'd be. You're definitely not a twink.
Frank: I'd be a top, that's for sure.
Mac: Can a twink be a top or is that reserved for bears?
Dennis: I'm sure there's a great deal of switching back and forth but I think more often then not bears are tops, unless they happen to be power bottoms.
Frank: What's a power bottom?
Mac: A power bottom is a bottom that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power.
Dennis: Actually Mac, you've got it backwards. You see, the power bottom is actually generating the power by doing most of the work.
Frank: Does power have to do with size or strength of the bottom?
Mac: Now Dennis, I heard speed has something to do with it.
Dennis: Speed has *everything* to do with it. You see, the speed of the bottom informs the top how much pressure he's supposed to apply. Speed's the name of the game.

Dennis: [on phone] Hello. Who is this? Who?... Who is...? I don't know that name. Who? Who? Oh, oh, Waitress. Why didn't you just say that?

Mac: Stage freeze!
Dennis: Don't say stage freeze, just do it.

Charlie: I knew that guy was full of shit! I knew it!
Dennis: What guy?
Charlie: That lawyer guy, okay? He totally besmirched me today, and I demand satisfaction from him.
Mac: You want him to bang you?
Charlie: Uh. No, Mac. Be serious, okay? He slandered me in front of a jury of my own peers, all right? Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened.
[shows the gang a history book]
Charlie: Take a look at this picture. What do you see?
Mac: I see two trannies shooting at each other.
Charlie: No, dude. They're dueling, okay? These are lawyers settling an argument by dueling it out.
Dennis: Now, how do you know that the two trannies are lawyers?
Charlie: [slams book] 'Cause it's an old book, okay? I don't have to explain everything to you about what I know! I'm trying to... get satisfied... from this dude... and you're trying to... I'm getting satisfied. I don't care.

Charlie: [looking at attorney through binoculars] Oh shit, I see him. He's walking towards the car. He's walking towards the car!
Dee: Get down!
Charlie: Why's he coming towards us?
Dee: Get down and hold still!
Attorney: [gets in driver's seat of the car] Alright... So um, what are you people doing in my car now?

Charlie: Tails never fails!

Dee: Brad Fisher, no way! You look amazing! Your acne cleared up really well.
Brad: I kinda grew into myself.
Dee: Yes, you did. Yes, you did. Why did I ever break up with you?
Brad: It was 'cause of the acne.
Dee: Was it 'cause of the acne?
Brad: Yeah, uh, when it got real bad you dumped me and you said it was 'cause I was gonna grow up to look like Edward James Olmos.

[preparing for a child's beauty pageant]
Mort: Frank. Frank. I need some water. My mouth is dry.
Frank: Your mouth is dry. Go into the toilet and run your mouth under the sink.
[Mac and Charlie raise their hands]
Dennis: Okay...
Charlie: Yeah, can I? Could I? Can I?
Dee: [raises hand] I have a...
Charlie: Who's that?
Frank: He's the mortician. I invited him.

Dee: [to Dennis] Well, while you've been picking up bar whores, I've been double-dropping like a bastard out there.
Waitress: Oh my God, you're double-dropping again, Dee?
Dee: Oh, I never stopped double-dropping.

Dennis: Mac, these gentlemen are courting me for my business savvy. How's it gonna reflect on me if I promote my bodyguard to VP after a two-minute conversation at a ball game?
Mac: It's not gonna reflect on you at all because you're not Brian LeFeve.
Dennis: ...I'm not what?
Mac: Dude, clearly you were floundering.
Dennis: Mac, I was gathering information so that I can more fully become this man. Look, look, this is about much more than just business. This is about the thrill of wearing another man's skin. Feeling his innermost wants and desires and being in control of his every single move. That's how you get off. Now don't you guys want to get off with me?

Dennis: [to Frank] You know, hey, turns out Boggs, he didn't hit it out of the park every single time at bat. He just tried to get the ball in play and hope that he could squeak it through the hole. And I just, uh, squeaked it through multiple holes, if you know what I'm saying.
[North Dakota Woman laughs]
Dennis: Don't you!

Frank: We gotta definitely write a song about how we do not diddle kids! "Do not diddle kids, it's no good diddling kids."
Mac: There is no quicker way for people to think that you are diddling kids than by writing a song about it!

Mac: [to Grant] But either way, I was always the odd man out, you know? I mean, you know.

Sal: [after being paid] Okay. Well, that was close.
Dennis: Yeah, it seemed close.
Mac: It got a little stressful there.
Johnny: A little tense.
Mac: "Tense" is an excellent word for what happened.

[repeated line]
Mac: Hey-o! What's up, bitches?

Guitar: You got a graphite reinforced neck, 35 inch scale, two humbuckers...
Mac: Yeah guy, move over six inches.
Guitar: Oh, yeah. Um, so it's a...
Mac: [sees self in mirror] That's it. Shut up.

Tan: Let me get this straight. You want to put your baby into a tanning bed?
Mac: That's correct.
Tan: I'm sorry, that's against the law.
Mac: Look, pal, we are well aware of the law, okay? We don't want to jam you up here. We just want to put him in there for a couple of minutes.
Dee: Just to get a base...
Mac: Just to get a base.

Dennis: Tell you what, man. I'm happy for him, but I do still hate him!
Charlie: Oh yeah! It's not a gay or straight thing is it?
Dee: No, it's a Mac thing!
Dennis: No no no no no!
Charlie: Yeah, it's a Mac thing!
Dennis: It's a Mac thing!

Mac: Charlie, I have a real dilemma on my hands. Now, normally I would never talk to you about these things because you're so incredibly unreliable, but Dennis, Dee, and Frank are all directly involved in this and I gotta tell somebody man, I am bustin'! Okay... Dennis' mom tried to have sex with me!
Charlie: Interesting...
Mac: Yeah, man! She got naked, she came on to me, I mean that woman is straight crazy but I think I wanna bang her, man! I know I shouldn't do it, it's...
Charlie: I think you should do it!
Mac: ...What?
Charlie: Look, an opportunity like this only comes around once in a lifetime, right?
Mac: Right!
Charlie: And so you'd be a fool to let it slip through your fingers.
Mac: Yeah! That's what I'm thinking! But, it's Dennis and Dee's mom.
Charlie: Yeah, well that means that no one ever, ever's gonna find out.
Mac: That doesn't make any sense.
Charlie: It doesn't have to make sense.
Mac: You're right, I'm gonna do it!
[they both laugh maniacally]

Sun: [about Dennis] Charlie, he smell like dog fart.

Charlie: I eat stickers all the time, dude!

Charlie: Keep singing, bitch. You're not gonna have a face by the time I'm done with you!

Dennis: Dee? I swear you would be of more use to me if I skinned you and turned your skin into a lampshade. Or fashioned you into a piece of high-end luggage. I can even add you to my collection.
Dee: Are you saying that you have a collection of skin luggage?
Dennis: Of course I'm not, Dee. Don't be ridiculous. Think of the smell. You haven't thought of the smell, you bitch! Now you say another word and I swear to God I will dice you into a million little pieces. And put those pieces in a box, a glass box, that I will display on my mantel.

Mac: Well, right now it looks like you're wearing a mask of yourself over your face.
Dennis: Not a good one? Not a nice mask of myself?
Mac: Not a good one.
Dennis: Do you guys think that a normal mask of me would look good?
Dee: Oh, my God.
Dennis: And if there was would you guys wear it?

The: This family behind me has 90 days to vacate. Until then, you can't touch them.
[Frank starts yelling]
Charlie: Let me handle this, Frank. It's not bullbird. He's making a few good points.
[turns to lawyer]
Charlie: Look, buddy. I know a lot about the law and various other lawyerings. I'm well educated. Well versed. I know that situations like this- real estate wise- they're very complex.
The: Actually, they're pretty simple. The forms are all standard boiler plate.
Charlie: Okay. Well, we're all hungry. We're gonna get to our hotplates soon enough, alright? Let's talk about the contract here.
The: I'm sorry, I forgot. Where did you go to law school again?
Charlie: I could ask you the very same question...
The: [interrupting] I went to Harvard.
Charlie: [incoherent mumbling]
The: What?
Charlie: I'm pleading the 5th, sir.
The: I wouldn't advise you do that.
Charlie: And I'll take that advise under cooperation, alright? Now, let's say you and I go toe-to-toe on bird law and see who comes out the victor?
The: You know, I don't think I'm going to do anything close to that and I can clearly see you know nothing about the law. Seems like you have a tenuous grasp on the English language in general.
Charlie: [more mumbling] ... Filibuster...
The: Do you know what that word means?
Charlie: [after a long, stammering pause, Charlie screams and crashes through what's left of the door]

Dee: You're gonna throw away all your convictions for a chance to get laid?
Dennis: I don't really have any convictions.

Crack: Whatchu need?
Dennis: Uh, one please.
Crack: One what?
Dennis: Uh, one... rock of crack... A crack rock. Is that enough? Is one crack rock enough?
Dee: Um, how much would you recommend for a first time user?
Crack: Tell you what, I'll make you a deal. Two for the price of one.
Dee: Really? Oh, that's very nice of you.
Dennis: Oh, that sounds good. How much?
Crack: 200 dollars?
Dennis: Sounds reasonable, great. Okay.
[slides money through window]

Charlie: Cat in the wall, eh? Okay, now you're talkin' my language!

Charlie: Yeah... I'm not an alcoholic, actually... Yeah... I'm only here because I got a little drunk and I threw a flaming bag of feces into a building and I kind of burnt it down a little bit, you know, but I wasn't trying to burn it down. I was trying to make the place smell really bad and get rid of this guy... this guy knows what I'm talking about.

Dennis: [picking basketball teams] All righty. Uh... You, you, you, you, and you. Come over here.
[all the black kids go to Dennis]
Dennis: All right. Now, the rest of you kids can go with those two losers right there.
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell's going on over here?
Dennis: I'm picking my team.
Dee: No. No, you-you can't- you can't take all...
Dennis: I can't pick the...?
Dee: You can't pick all...
Dennis: What should I not pick?
Mac: You know exactly what you've done, sir.

Dennis: [after Dee leaves] Well, yeah, this has got to be a little awkward for you now, Bill, right? 'Cause you're here, and we're sort of having a... probably gonna have a little sit-down breakfast, and now you're a bit of a third wheel, kind of wormed your way into our situation.
Bill: Yeah, not really. I just came to catch up, so...
Dennis: No.

Charlie: See the thing is if a wall of water comes through, it's actually pretty sweet to be naked 'cause then you can hold your clothes up, you know, and then that piss and shit just kinda flows over you. It's more refreshing than you think.

Charlie: Hey, Bingo. Frank sent us.
Bingo: Frank, huh? I'm gonna skin that son of a bitch and wear his face.

Frank: Hi, ladies, I'm Frack. Shit!

Charlie: Hey wait, are you planning to douse my fiancée with water, exposing her breasts for everyone to see?
Dennis: Yeah man, is that cool?
Charlie: That's VERY cool.

Frank: Dennis, you're mother is a dirty, dirty whore.

Mac: I have an idea.
Frank: [turns in fear] Where did you come from?
Mac: Frank, I've been walking next to you this entire time.

Dennis: See? This is what it was like to have a bar in New Orleans, bro!
Mac: Oh, man, New Orleans really had their shit figured out!
Dennis: They totally had their shit figured out! Yeah, except for the levees.
Mac: Right, yeah, except for the levees.

Mac: It's not your fault. This dog, your parents, the whole... the whole culture is grooming you to be a pussy. You got no freedom. Which means you got no balls. And then even when you actually do get caught, doing something bad, you're not held accountable. And if you're not held accountable, you feel no guilt. If you feel no guilt, you feel no shame. If you got no shame, you're never gonna hate yourself enough to stop being bad and grow some balls.
[to the dog psychiatrist]
Mac: You diddle this kid, you're definitely on camera. I don't know if you wanna be alone with him.

Mac: Congratulations Jim Jones. You found the four people dumb enough to listen to your shit!

Dee: Rocky IV is not the greatest move of all time.
Dennis: What do you consider to be a good movie?
Dee: I don't know, Million Dollar Baby or something.
Dennis: Are you serious? No way!
Dee: It won an Oscar!
Charlie: It has Stallone punching a Russian's face in to all smithereens!
Mac: Lifting anvils and shit, pulling a truck through snow.
Dennis: Million Dollar Baby is totally unrealistic. Girls can't fight, they don't have muscles.
Dee: That is a horribly sexist thing to say.
Dennis: It's not sexist, it's just truthful, you know.
Charlie: Girls can't pull trucks through snow.
Dee: Could you pull a truck through snow?
Charlie: I absolutely could!
Dee: You can barely walk through the snow, Charlie.
Dennis: That is true.
Charlie: Okay, is the truck in Park or Neutral?
Mac: That is a good question.

North: Oh, you really know your way around.
Dennis: Well, if I've learned anything from films like Executive Decision or Passenger 57, there's always a way into the cargo hold.
North: You're weird.
Dennis: You have no idea.
[she leans in for a kiss]
Dennis: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Nothing with my lips, all right? I don't want to do that with you.

Ryan: Where do you keep your Pledge?

Ted: What is it you guys are looking for?
Mac: Let's talk needs please, I'd like to talk needs first. Now I have the need for speed. It's very important, it's inherent, there's nothing I can do about it so speed is a must.

Mac: Do you want to shove heroin into your ass?
Charlie: Dude, I don't want to shove anything in my ass!
Mac: All right! This is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are, and not have to shove anything up our asses!

Dr. Larry Meyers: [slips on the stage] Ah! Ah! I am shattered to pieces! Ah! Ooh!
Dee: Are- are you acting right now?
Dr. Larry Meyers: No, I'm not acting, you bitch!

Charlie: [refering to a George Washington painting] Now why would you hang a painting like this on your wall?
Mac: Well, it's the Historical Society bro, they have to hang it up.
Charlie: What, we gotta suffer just 'cause some old dude who looks like Meryl Streep chopped down a cherry tree like ten million years ago? It's just, he looks terrible!
Mac: You know what? Let's take it down. It's just gonna distract us through the meeting.
Charlie: Yeah, let's get it down man. It's not gonna, it's not gonna work.
Dennis: Let's take it down. I'm gonna tear it down.
[pulls painting]
Dennis: Unbelievable. It's bolted to the wall.
Charlie: Well that proves our point man, we're not the first people to try to take that thing down.
Dennis: Yeah, well we're gonna be the first ones to actually succeed. Come on, let's tear it down, Charlie.
Charlie: Let's just rip it off the wall.
Dennis: Rip it right off the wall...
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, guys, guys. I got a pocket knife. Just cut it out of the frame.

Dee: There's a masturbating bum in the alley.

Gladys: What's happening?
Dennis: What's happening, Gladys, is we're at the fair and you're gonna act like my grandma, okay?
Gladys: My grandmother had an affair with Susan B. Anthony.
Dennis: I-I don't give a shit.

Dee: See this is the part where I would volunteer to be the girl on the billboard and you guys would find some reason not to and compare me to some sort of animal like a giant bird.
Dennis: [agreeing] Oh she looks so much like a bird doesn't she?
Charlie: See I was thinking fish because of how far apart her eyes are.

Dennis: Tire her out with your spastic movements.
Mac: I'll tire her out with my awesome movements.

Charlie: I've got a confession: I'm in love with a man. "What?" I'm in love with a man. A man called God. Does that make me gay? Am I "gay for God"? You betcha.

Dennis: It's 8 o'clock in the morning and you're drinking a beer.
Mac: Hey, that's how we roll. Go with it.

Doctor: She's lucky to be alive. She broke her arm, few ribs, punctured a lung, shattered her pelvis, compound fractures in both legs.
Dennis: Her breasts?
Doctor: Excuse me?
Dennis: What about her breasts?

Dee: [upon finding her steroids are gone] Who took my shit?
Charlie: [quietly] I might have had some.
Dee: What did you just say, you little bitch?
Charlie: I might have had some of your pills or whatever.
Dee: Oh yeah?
[Dee walks over to Charlie and gets in his face]
Dee: [filled with rage] I am gonna punch a hole through your face!

Mac: [in the hospital] We talked about it, and we decided that we need to get rid of that gun.
Dennis: Oh, oh, the gun... yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.
Mac: You could have been killed. Dennis could have killed you
Charlie: Okay, good, yes, I think that would be for the best... ah... mm... Dee, could you get me a nurse?
Dee: Yeah, sure.
[exits]
Charlie: Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun.
Mac: No way!
Dennis: [pulls gun out of his pants] Never.

Mac: Frank, he cannot bang this woman. It's the mob boss's wife.
Frank: Oh, what do you think she's gonna do, call her husband and say she's bangin' a whore? Dennis, up those stairs!

Mac: [holding a hockey stick] All of my instincts and my training tell me to use this as a weapon.
Charlie: All of your instincts and your training are wrong.

Dennis: There's gonna be free drinks for everybody, so you know, you'll come, you'll party with us, and y-you bring your girlfriends too, you know. We don't want just the two of you! You gotta bring your girlfriends, that's a requirement.
College: Sounds like fun. Can our boyfriends come too?
Dennis: ...Your boyfriends?
College: Yeah, our boyfriends.
Dennis: Do you have boyfriends?... How did you not know that the reason I invited you back to my bar... was to bang you. Get outta here. Get the hell outta here!

Dennis: You know what? Just... Get me the flamethrower. I'm so sick of this wall. I want to burn it up now!
Charlie: Okay, it's time. Okay, there's also a fire extinguisher too.
Dennis: Great.
Charlie: I think we should use this, man.
Dennis: I think we should too. So here's how this is gonna go down: I will light a fire on the wall. Charlie, have that extinguisher ready 'cause I don't want the fire to spread past the parameters of this wall.
Charlie: I will create a parameter with the fire extinguisher.
Dennis: The only safe way to do this, okay?
Charlie: It'll be perfectly safe.
Dennis: Then once the wall's all weakened from the burned-up fires, then we're gonna kick it to pieces, smash it to bits, and take the rubble outside and burn that too.
Charlie: Burn that too, and then I'll put it out with this. All right, perfect. And then I'll get started on my taco bed.

Charlie: [Seeing a shirtless Frank] Frank did you flush your shirt?
Frank: Yup.

Bruce: We were in Uganda doing a lot of work with the AIDS crisis there and...
Frank: AIDS? You touch anybody?
Bruce: Well, sure.
Frank: Hey, man! What kind of shit is that? You just hugged me! Why would you do that?
Dee: Seamus is joking. He's got a - He's got a very dry sense of humor.
Frank: I'm not joking! That shit is serious! I gotta take a shower now!

Frank: I made tequila bullets, but I guess I put too much gunpowder in.

Dee: [singing] Tiny boy / little boy / baby boy / I need you... Tiny boy / baby boy / want to make love to you, boy...

Dee: You should know how to hold your booze a little better.
Waitress: [wasted] I'll hold your boobs a little better...

Frank: Look, I gotta take a walk, my head is swimming.
Mac: That's fine. Just make sure you, you know, check in 'cause I haven't heard from Charlie and it is getting late.
Frank: Yeah, right.

Attorney: I will take care of all of your legal needs as long as each of you agrees to never seek my legal advice again.
[to Dennis]
Attorney: And you promise not to break into my home and rape my wife while she's sleeping.
Dennis: Bro, rape? I wasn't talking about raping your wife. I was talking about making love to her sweetly while she sleeps, and I was gonna do it for you, you son of a bi- all right, fine, I won't do it.

Dennis: I'm Hugh Honey and this is my partner, Vic Vinegar. We're partners in real estate and we're partners in life.

Mac: I gave him an ocular pat down.

Dennis: I have an awful lot of reading to do...

Dennis: After every encounter, I received a text confirming each partner's consent and enjoyment. Now you may ask, would a woman really text that, Dennis? Their phones did.

Frank: Well, look, bitch. We brought it from them because they foreclosed on your bitch ass!

Dennis: If you guys love Christmas so much, why do you always wait until the last possible minute to put up the Christmas decorations? It is the day before Christmas.
Mac: That's our tradition.
Charlie: Yeah, that's what we do. We drink a lot of eggnog. We pass out. And then we don't put anything up, so we do it at the last minute.
Mac: Yeah, then we wake up at Christmas and celebrate by throwing rocks at moving freight trains.
Dee: Why would grown men throw rocks at trains?
Mac: Why wouldn't we throw rocks at trains? It's beats throwing rocks at passing cars, or at people.
Charlie: It's awesome. That's what you do on Christmas morning. We've been doing it since we were kids. Look, whatever. I'm sorry that we love Christmas and we have awesome Christmas traditions and you guys hate Christmas.
Mac: They hate Christmas because I always got the best gifts, and Frank always gave them shitty presents.
Dee: You think we don't like Christmas because Frank gave us shitty presents?
Dennis: Is that really what you think? No, Frank didn't buy shitty presents. Frank bought the most awesome presents in the world. As a matter of fact, he would find out whatever Christmas presents we wanted that year... and he would buy them for himself instead of buying them for us.
Charlie: Really? That must have been why he wanted me to walkie you guys when you got to the bar. 'Cause he was trying to do something about making your Christmas better. Or worse.

Mac: Frank, you are gonna get us into that country club you used to belong to and we're gonna sell the pills there.
Dennis: That'd be a good place to sell those pills.
Mac: Yes, thank you very much.
Frank: You can't make no $25,000 from that amount of pills. How long you got?
Mac: 'til Friday.
Frank: Mm-mmm. You're gonna have to turn a trick or two; go into prostitution.
Dee: You are disgusting! How could you suggest - I am absolutely not doing that!
Frank: I wasn't talking about you. Guys at those country clubs get hotter broads than you.
Dennis: I would think, yeah.
Mac: Yeah.
Frank: I was saying the male escort is really hard to come by.
Charlie: I'm picking up what you're putting down. I'll do it.
Frank: Eh, Charlie, you're not quite cut from the right cloth.
Mac: Okay. Make it me.
Frank: Mac, you're too low class. All those women are gonna thing they're gonna catch somethin' from you.
Mac: They are.
Dennis: They will.
Frank: I was thinking about Dennis.
Dennis: Right. Now, Frank, will any of these women be attractive in any way?
Frank: Probably not.

Dennis: [pops off shirt] What do you think about this?
Ruby: About what?
Dennis: What I'm presenting you.
Ruby: I think you look really pale. Do you need some sunscreen?
Dennis: It's the first in the season. I haven't had a chance to get a base going, you know...?
Frank: Dennis? Dennis?
Dennis: What do you think of the pecs? What do you think of...?
Frank: Dennis!
Dennis: [goes to Frank] What?
Frank: I thought you said you weren't gonna hit on her.
Dennis: Am I hitting on her?

Charlie: Wait, you followed me all the way home?
Sun: [nods]
Charlie: So, you saw me eat that Hot Pocket out of the trash?
Sun: [nods]
Charlie: You got any... feelings about that?
Sun: [shakes her head no]
Charlie: Wow, I like you, come on in.

Charlie: Attica!

Mac: How much cheese have you eaten today?
Charlie: How much cheese is too much cheese?
Dennis: Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese!

Gunther: You've been institutionalized.
Dee: Me? What... I mean, one time, for a short period of time. That-that was against my will. That doesn't even really count.
Dennis: That's the only time it counts, Dee.

Charlie: What are you getting, an autograph? No, we're good, man. That's alright.
Dennis: We don't need an autograph, man. We were actually here for a different...
Da': [hands Charlie a piece of paper] God bless you, man. You have a good time, you know, whale away...
Charlie: This is a parking ticket.

Charlie: Time to move to phase 2.
Dee: There is no phase 2. I'm not doing phase 2. I did everything you said and it's over.
Charlie: THIS ISN'T OVER UNTIL I SAY IT'S OVER!

Dennis: [to Abby] I see the road you're headed down, the lying, the stealing, all of it. And as somebody who's been down that road, let me tell you something. You've got real talent.

Dennis: You are dressed like the Phantom of the Opera. He's not a vampire.
Charlie: He eats theater people.
Dennis: No, he doesn't.
Mac: I think he might.
Frank: He does.
Dennis: And I'm surprised you even know who the Phantom of the Opera is.
Mac: He might not.
Frank: He doesn't.
Charlie: No, I don't. I don't.

Dee: [hysterically] Oh God, I had the weirdest night. It was crazy. As soon as I left Dennis' place I realize I don't have a car, right, so I actually do have to run home by myself through the park in the middle of the night! So I'm on Spring Garden street and this big car full of gangbangers...
Mac: Okay, gangbangers! That is an awesome story, Dee! That's the end of it, right? That can be the end of the story?

Dennis: The t-shirts are working.
Mac: Isn't that amazing? You ask to see a woman's breasts on the street, you get slapped. You give her a free t-shirt and videotape it and the clothes come right off.
Dennis: I love this country.

Sal: I need you to go over to my house and... take care of my wife.
Mac: You mean like rub her out?
Sal: No!
Mac: You want me to bang her?

Charlie: Mom, if you know something, you got to tell me.
Bonnie: I can't lie to my Charlie.
Charlie: Good! Tell me everything.
Bonnie: Okay. They were both here. They were both inside me. Eduardo was in my mouth, and Luther was in my butt.
Charlie: Oh, my God, no, don't tell me everything. What? No! What?
Mrs. Mac: Dammit, Bonnie.
Mac: Eduardo who?
Bonnie: Sanchez.
Mac: Holy shit. Tell us more.
Bonnie: Then Luther went in Eduardo's butt for a while.
Mac: Tell us less. Tell us less.
Bonnie: Then they both "completed" on each other. I-I was left out of the finale.

Frank: You look like a dick in that tiny jacket!

Charlie: Is it loaded?
Dennis: It can be.

Charlie: Hooooly shit! Is that the ocean?
Dennis: Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean.
Charlie: What's on the other side of it there?
Frank: Europe.
Charlie: Now how long would it take...
Dennis: Do not try and swim to Europe.
Charlie: *Don't* swim to Europe...
Frank: Do not.

Dennis: Hello. Hi, um, I'm a recovering crackhead. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I'd like some welfare please.

Dee: Why don't we up the supplements which we know work and eliminate working out which we know blows.
Dennis: That sounds like a pretty good plan. You know what? I'm gonna take it one step further and propose that we start working on a muscle that we've been neglecting this entire time. And it's the most important muscle in the entire body.
[takes out fitness instructor's CD and inserts his own into the CD player]
Dee: Which muscle?
Dennis: The face.
[Steve Winwood's "Higher Love" begins playing]
Dennis: That's a gift for you, Bumble Bee. Come on.
Dee: Enjoy it, Coach Dick 'n' Balls.

Charlie: But I am who I am.
Mac: Yeah, but let's pretend you're not like who you are and just try to attract a woman.

Mac: All right, let's get this guy outta here, send him a message.
Dennis: Let's do it.
Charlie: Right, let's slash his tires.
Mac: Well, not that though, because then he can't leave. That doesn't make any sense.
Charlie: Well, you start putting plans under microscopes, nothing's gonna make sense, all right?
Mac: Lots of things make sense. Slashing someone's tires so that they leave makes no sense.
Charlie: You're gonna put everything I say under a microscope, bud?
Dennis: It's a stupid idea, Charlie.

Dennis: See, the best part of Frank's story was how the four of us come together as a group to mercilessly slaughter him. You see what I'm saying? And I think that's what Christmas is really all about.

Dee: Charlie, don't screw me like this. Come on.
Charlie: Don't screw you? Oh, I'm sorry, Dee, let me try and remember something. Let's see, was it, did Dee write a musical and come to Charlie with it? No! Charlie wrote a musical and came to Dee with it, and the gang. And the gang likes to screw it up and make it about themselves, and take it away from Charlie, and ruin his hopes and dreams. So let me tell you something, Dee, let me break down a scenario for you. I could cut the song, okay, because I wrote it. I could have Artemis do the song, okay, because you did not write it. Or I could strap on a wig and I could do the song myself. So you tell me, Little Miss All That, what do you want to do? Song or no song?

Grant: Deandra, help me out - name an animal that we eat but doesn't eat us.
Dee: Well, Grant, I'll tell you what. I like to eat cock.

College: [dissecting poop] Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper.
Dennis: Alright, well now we're gettin' somewhere. Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper?
Charlie: It's gonna go both ways dude, sorry.
Dennis: Really?
Charlie: Yeah, what else? What else?
College: This appears to be a piece of a credit card.
Frank: Inconclusive.
Dennis: How is that not specific to one of you?
Charlie: I wish it was man, but that's inconclusive.
College: Oh boy, there's a good deal of blood in this stool. Whoever's it is should see a doctor.
Charlie: Well, don't give us judgements, just tell us what's in there. What's in there, what else?
College: Is this wolf hair?
Frank: Also inconclusive.
Dennis: Jesus Christ!

Charlie: You see, I just realized that I have two ears, so it's a waste to only listen to one thing.
Dennis: Let me get this straight. You just realized that you have two ears?

Charlie: You know what happened? I bet it flattened itself out, went right through a seam in your wall.
Dee: I don't think there's anything in the laws of nature to support that.
Charlie: Cats do not abide by the laws of nature.

Dennis: Name a Philadelphia celebrity you would like to have a drink with.
Dee: Bill Cosby.
Frank: The cards are a little outdated.

Mac: [on his cell phone] Mom, I'm telling you, this girl's amazing. Yeah, I've got butterflies in my stomach. There's one little issue...
[Carmen sneaks up from behind and grabs his waist; Mac turns around and punches her in the face]
Carmen: Oh, God! I think you broke my nose!
Construction: That guy's beating on that chick!
Carmen: Oh, my God!
Mac: Oh, no, you know, it's a dude. Yeah, she has a penis... so it's okay.
Construction: Dude, isn't that a hate crime?
Construction: Shit yeah, it's a hate crime!
[they both chase after Mac]

Sinbad: I'm Sinbad, you know who this is? Rob Thomas. Matchbox 20. Sing a song.
[Rob goes to sing]
Sinbad: Shut up!

Dennis: Like that? Huh? Get what you want?
Frannie: Just keep dancing, whore.

Dennis: Oh my God, we are so screwed. How are we going to get $25,000 by Friday?
Frank: Don't look at me. You made this bed; you're sleeping in it. This is a life lesson for you.
Dennis: Frank, this is not the time to be throwing down life lessons, alright? We are going to get whacked off by a bunch of scary Italian guys.
Charlie: Did they say they were going to whack us off?
Dennis: They implied they wanted to whack us all off!
Dee: Nobody's gonna get whacked off today, okay? Listen: we're gonna take the money, we'll go get our drugs back from Bingo, we'll give it to the mob, and we'll pretend none of this ever happened.

Charlie: Uh, later dudes. S you in your A's. Don't wear a C and J all over your B's.

Charlie: Seven straight hours of lecturing?
Dennis: Yeah, and five hours alone dedicated to the evils of homosexuality, from him?
Dee: Did anyone else notice that he had an erection the entire time?
Charlie: Of course.
Frank: How could you miss it?

Mac: The streets are flooded with the ejaculate of the homeless, and you people are counting on the police?

Charlie: I don't know. I did everything right and I can't get past the letter D, dude.
Dennis: What did you do exactly?
Charlie: I broke into her place, I ripped her sink apart, I brought a bag of hair, you know what I mean? And I come across looking like a total jerk!

Dee: I want my job back.
Charlie: And you shall have it. Oh, Dee. It looks like we both need things from each other.
Dee: I am not having sex with you, Charlie.
Charlie: No. It's not sex I want from you. It's sex I don't want from Dennis.

Dennis: If you do not get my sister her stories and a new room as soon as possible, then I will come down on this hospital like the hammer of Thor. The thunder of my vengeance will echo through these corridors like the gust of a thousand winds!

Dennis: Dee, you and I are gonna play.
Dee: Yeah? Can I do my fart keychain?
Dennis: Absolutely goddamn not.

Charlie: I am familiar with carpentry and I don't know who my father is. So, am I the messiah? I don't know, I could be, I'm not ruling it out.

Charlie: Oh, this is such bullshit. So you guys have two dads and I don't even have one!
Mac: Yeah, that is bullshit, we don't even have one.
Charlie: What are you talking about? You have a father!
Mac: Yeah, but he's in prison, Charlie, and he's been there my whole life. It doesn't count.

Dee: [upon finding someone slumped over in a booth] Who's this?
Mac: I don't know. I've never seen him before.
Dee: Well, can you get him out of here? He stinks.
Mac: [walking over to the man] Hey, let's go. Oh, my Je... oh, my God! He shit his pants, Dee. Dee, he shit his pants.
Dee: Oh, I don't want to know that.
Mac: [groans and grabs a pool stick] I'm gonna poke him with this. Get up, old man. This isn't the American Legion. Wake up! Yo!
Dee: What's the matter?
Mac: He won't wake up.
Dee: Well, poke him harder in his ribs.
Mac: [continuing to poke the man] Wake up, old man. Wake up!
[the man falls over to his side]
Mac: Holy shit. That bitch is dead.

Frank: Intervention. Intervention. You banged my dead wife?
Mac: Well, she was alive at the time. But... Did you not know that?
Frank: No.
Charlie: It's cool, man. It's cool. Intervention. Intervention, okay? Look, he's got a weird, um, fetish for older women, so don't hold it against him.
Mac: I don't have an older-woman fetish.
Charlie: Yeah, you do.
Mac: I don't wanna bang this chick.
[points to Tabitha]

Dennis: I am not banging my sister.
Barbara: Jesus Christ! What have I walked into here?
Dee: Oh my God.
Barbara: You two aren't having *sex* together...
Dennis: No, we're not having sex.
Frank: What the hell is she doing here?
Dee: Sit down please, Mom.
Barbara: I am not getting pulled into any sort of perverted sex talk.
Dennis: It's not perverted!
Frank: Banging your sister is perverted, Dennis!
Dennis: [shouts] I am not banging my sister!

Mac: We're the wealthy homosexual couple that she promised her womb too.

Dennis: [alarm goes off, notices someone in bed with him] Hello.
[lifts up blanket to see body]
Dennis: Nice. Beautiful.
[rolls over onto person]
Boy: [waking up] Hello, lover.
Dennis: Whoa! What the hell's going on?
Boy: You've got nothing to be ashamed of.
Dennis: We didn't have sex, did we?
Boy: No, don't be silly. It was all hands.
Large: [emerges from bathroom] How's that ass feel?
[smacks Dennis' ass]

Mac: Oh, and hookups are good. But just to be clear... when you say your "sista," do you mean your sister or your friend?

Allison: [listening to cassette tape in car] I think I need to be getting home. My mom is gonna start to worry.
Dennis: [on tape] Wait, your mom? How old are you?
Allison: 16.
Dennis: [on tape] 16? No, no, no get...
Dennis: Ooh! Oh shit, that's not good. Why do I still have this tape?

Frank: Suicide is badass!

Gloria: How long have you been a dance instructor?
Dennis: Oh, a long time. Years. Years, in fact.
Gloria: My fiancé and I, we're not really dancers. We just joined this competition because we both got laid off recently and we really need a fresh start...
Dennis: [interrupting] Right, right, okay, I'm gonna dip you down now, okay? Just stick your knee into my groin...
Gloria: Okay.
Dennis: Just like that. Grind your hips, and pulse your thighs.

Mac: [after Charlie closes the window on Dennis and Dee] Driver, we're done here.
[Everyone starts laughing]

Mac: [Dee throws a jar full of piss out the car window, splashing a sleeping Mac] Is this piss? IS THIS PISS?

Dee: [Speaking about Frank] He's finally lost it. Should we toss him in a home?
Dennis: I'll get the car.

Mac: [panicking] Guys, why aren't the brakes working?
Charlie: Because I cut the brakes! Wild card, bitches! Yeeee-haw!
[jumps out of truck]

Mac: You can have more than one best friend, right?
Dennis: Absolutely! Absolutely.
Charlie: Yeeeah, the three best friends!
Dennis: Yeah, the Three Amigos!
Charlie: Uh, the three, um...
Dennis: Musketeers!
Mac: Blind mice!
Charlie: The three...
Mac: Stooges.
Dennis: I don't wanna be associated with those...
Charlie: I wanna, I wanna get one! Uh...
Mac: There's another one out there.
[Charlie struggles]
Mac: Move past it!
Charlie: I can't get it! All right!

[repeated lines, said in no specific order]
Mac: Boom.
Dennis: Boom.
Dee: Boom.

Bobby: [to Dee] I'm just busting your old man's balls you don't have to get your panties in an uproar!

[after their "Birds of War" performance]
Dennis: They are not responding to the pageantry at all.
Mac: The second verse is completely ridiculous.
Dennis: The second verse is necessary to clarify what we are!
Charlie: We're mic'd. We're mic'd, our microphones are on.

Charlie: For the love of God, find a shirt! Find a shirt, Frank!

Mac: I'm healthier than you, bro?
Doctor: I wouldn't exactly say you're healthy. You have Type 2 adult onset diabetes.
[Dennis giggles]

The: Maureen, you are the sister of Bill Ponderosa, and it was at your weeding where Liam got attacked?
Maureen: Meow.

Dennis: Wait, so you just painted your butt blue and nobody noticed the hole in your pants?
Dee: Yep, it worked, it worked.
Frank: Well, as long as it works.

Artemis: You want me to shake it? Want me to shake it for ya?
Dennis: Uh...
Artemis: I'll shake it, I'll shake it.

Mac: Show me... cow!
Grant: Nope, that's me. I say that word. I say the "show me" part. You just give me the answer. Okay, Ronald?
Mac: Right, I'm sorry. Show me c...
Grant: Don't say "show me." Don't say it. Just say the answer.
Mac: Show... show me... is the part I say?
Grant: Here's the one thing... there's only one thing in the whole world at this moment you shouldn't say: "show me." So just give me the answer, and then I'll say sh... You know what, go ahead and do it. Just go ahead and do it, then.
Mac: Do what?
Grant: Mother of... Show me cow!

Mac: Who's the most underrated actor of all time?
Charlie: It's Dolph Lundgren.

Donna: You're thirty-three years old, you're supposed to be sexually active! You're not supposed to be fondling your uncle under the table!

Dennis: For one day, let's make the poor bastard feel special. For one day, let's make this lowly rat killer feel like a king.
Frank: Yes.
Dennis: In the simplest... easiest...
Dee: Easiest way. I'm tired today, you know?

Dennis: Hey!
Waitress: Dennis, hey!
Dennis: Got somethin' for ya.
Waitress: What?
[Dennis gives her flowers]
Waitress: Really?
Dennis: Yeah!
Waitress: Wow, oh, thank you! That's really nice.
Dennis: Can I take your coat?
Waitress: Uh, are we staying here?
Dennis: No no, I just want to have a look at what you're wearing.
Waitress: Ah, haha, okay.
[takes off coat, poses for Dennis]
Waitress: So, what do you think?
Dennis: Yyyyeah, okay... that'll work. Are you not wearing make up?
Waitress: ...I'm wearing make up.
Dennis: Really?
Waitress: Yeah.
Dennis: Do you have any more?

Dee: Are you buying this? That is ridiculous. Dennis, they left us a list of demands!
Frank: What're you talking about? That's their last will and testament. That is not demands!
Dee: It says at the top "List of Demands"!

Mac: Let's go toe to toe on the bible, bitch.
Charlie: Ask and ye shall receive, sucka.

Dee: What is "Night Crawlers"?
Dennis: It's a game where they crawl around in the night like worms.
Charlie: I never said that.
Frank: Yeah, well that's what it is.

Dennis: What the hell, bro, is this supposed to be dirt? It smells like shit!
Frank: It *is* shit!

Charlie: [Rickety Cricket, with a set of high-tech new leg braces, just challenged Mac to a danceoff] You know he's not gonna go down easy.
Dennis: Oh no way, dude. He's fueled by vengeance and reinforced with space-age technology.

Frank: Employee evaluation. This bar is a business, and we're gonna start acting like one.
Mac: Yeah, well, I DON'T want to start acting like a business, 'cause that sounds boring as shit.
Dennis: Yeah, and this thing's, like, ten pages long, so you know what? I'm not gonna read it.
Frank: Well, then, that's gonna affect your rank!
Dennis: Rank?
Frank: I put us all in a ranking system so you'd all care about your jobs.
Dennis: Are we ranked now?
Frank: Yes, you are.
Dennis: Where am I ranked?
Frank: Second, after me.
Mac: Wait, what about me?
Frank: You're third.
Mac: WHAT? Why am I third?
Frank: Too volatile.
Mac: BULLSHIT! That's BULLSHIT!

Charlie: Mac, why the hell did you sprint ahead of me, man?
Mac: Oh, 'cause I'm playing both sides.
Dennis: Jesus Christ.

Mrs. Reynolds: Jesus Christ, Frank. This place is a shit hole! Is this how you've been living?
Frank: We make it work. What do you want?
Mrs. Reynolds: I want to talk.
Frank: I tried to talk to you weeks ago. You went on vacation.
Mrs. Reynolds: I was trying to scare some sense into you. You were talking about giving away all of our money.
Frank: My money. I made it, you spent it.
Charlie: Burn. There you go, buddy.
[Charlie and Frank hi-five]
Mrs. Reynolds: How can you say that to me? After everything I've done for you. While you were out making money, who do you think was at home cooking and cleaning and raising your children?
Frank: A series of Mexican women?
Charlie: A series... unbelievable, dude. You're on fire.
[they hi-five again]
Mrs. Reynolds: You can choose to live like an animal if you want to, but I refuse to be subjected to it. I want my shit back. You took my shit from our home and I want it back.
Frank: Well, I didn't take anything.
Mrs. Reynolds: It's empty. Someone came in and took everything.
Frank: Maybe you should have somebody deported like you used to in the old days.
Charlie: Beautiful.
[Charlie hi-fives Frank and is then slapped in the face by Barbara]
Mrs. Reynolds: I can't even talk to you anymore. Standing up for yourself. Standing up for immigrants! I don't know what you're turning into Frank, but it's making me sick!

Frank: [singing] You got to pay the troll toll if you want to get into this boy's hole!

Dennis: [walking towards front door] All right, well, just let me do the talking.
Charlie: Well, I feel like you gotta, at least, talk with a Southen accent, man.
[rings doorbell]
Dennis: No, I'm not gonna talk in a Southern accent. It's bad enough that you wore this stupid disguise.
Charlie: But we're oil men. We would have Southern accents.
Dennis: Yeah, but we don't need bolo ties and stupid hats.
Charlie: Yes, we do. She's going to think - uh...
[woman opens door]
Dennis: Hello, ma'am. Oh, what a lovely housedress.
Charlie: [heavy Southern accent] Yeah, well, you're looking all sorts of good.
Dennis: Now, you seem like a sweet, sophisticated, nice, busy, young lady, so we're not gonna waste your time today.
Charlie: Nah. We're just a couple oil men in from Dallas, and, well, we're itching like a hound to give you a-something you want.
Dennis: [awkward pause] What my
[clears throat]
Dennis: associate is trying to say is that we're here to offer your community a much-needed service
[interrupted by Charlie]
Charlie: Hells, yeah! We want to fill you up, if'n you are so inclined as to let us.
Dennis: [whispers to Charlie] Please let me do the talking. Please let me
[interrupted by Charlie]
Charlie: Now, we ain't gonna take 'no' for an answer now, you hear? Okay? So don't be making me sic my associate on you here, alright?
[gestures towards Mac in van]
Charlie: He don't take kindly to 'no'. So, can I fill you up, or what?
[awkward pause, cut to Charlie and Dennis entering van]
Charlie: Yep, you best get to stepping, 'cause Johnny Law's a-coming.
Dennis: Yeah, you might want to start driving because she called the cops on us.
Mac: [gestures to Charlie] Why is he talking like that?
Dennis: Well, 'wildcard' over here decided to lose his mind.
Charlie: I say, I say, that's just damn preposterous, boy.
Dennis: Well, now you're just talking like Foghorn Leghorn!

Mrs. Mac: Don't find you attractive.
Dennis: What?
Mrs. Mac: I think you're an ugly man.
Dennis: You think I'm ugly?
Mrs. Mac: Yeah.
Dennis: I'm not ugly. You're ugly.
Mrs. Mac: Yeah.
Dennis: [getting fed up] Jesus Christ. What is wrong with you, woman? You're saying that I'm un... you don't find me attractive?
Mrs. Mac: No.
Dennis: And you're what, not gonna have sex with me?
Mrs. Mac: No.
Dennis: This is ridiculous. I'm, I'm out of here.

Charlie: Ohhhh shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?

Dee: [knocks on door] Charlie, open up. We got a dick hole in the bar and I need you to come fill it in.
Charlie: [sighs] Okay, I gotta go fill her dick hole, bro.

Dennis: Now, you're clear on these instructions, right?
Dee: Yeah, yeah, I think so.
Dennis: Yeah, you know... you know what you're doing? They're in Spanish.
Dee: Ehh, yeah but you know, if you know Latin you know like three languages so...
Dennis: Well, as far as I know you don't speak Latin.
Dee: I don't speak Latin but there's pictures in here so I think we're good.

[last lines]
Charlie: Jimmy Doyle?
Jimmy: Yeah? Who are you?
Charlie: Charlie Kelly.
Jimmy: Yeah? Do I know you?
Charlie: From high school.
Jimmy: Oh, yeah. I didn't recognize you without all your acne.
Charlie: [chuckles] All right, I need to talk to you about your kid.
Jimmy: Why?
Charlie: Uh, let's see. Because your kid, Tommy, has serious emotional problems.
Jimmy: Why?
Charlie: Oh, I don't know. Maybe because you're not there for him as a father.
Jimmy: Why?
Charlie: [short pause; double take] Are you kidding me? Is this your little game? Like father, like son?
Jimmy: Why?
Charlie: Is this what you're doing? Is this what you're doing to me?
Jimmy: Why?

Dennis: We need to realize something. We're never going to be able to stop women from doing whatever the hell they want with their own bodies.

Dennis: What the hell is she doing here?
Waitress: What the hell is she doing here? Really? Really. I'll tell you what I'm doing here. You wanna know what I'm doing here, shit-for-brains? I had sex with your dad! That's right! I had sex with your father, because just like you, I like my sex old and ugly! And with fake hair on their heads that falls off when you're having sex with them! It just falls off, because that's what you do, Dennis Reynolds - you like to have sex with old people! And you said that you loved me! You said "I love you", and so I thought "Okay, well, I love you too"! How do you show love? You go and have sex with old people, SO THAT'S WHAT I DID TOO!

Mac: The Lord provideth again!
Dennis: No, Mac! No. The Lord not provideth. Frank provideth. He's the one who bought the cups. Fank provideth.
Mac: That well, the Lord provideth the snowstorm in may that allowed us to get the cups now.
Dennis: Uh-huh.
Mac: See? It's all a part of his divine plan, Dennis. And that's locked in, so we're good.
Dennis: Okay, so all we have to do is nothing?
Mac: No. No, because, uh, we have free will, Dennis, which means that, um, we have to take the necessary steps to make sure that that plan comes to fruition.
Dennis: Which is predetermined.
Mac: Yes.
Dennis: But it doesn't matter what we do if it's all predetermined. You see how your argument doesn't make any sense?
Mac: Uh, that's correct. But it doesn't have to make sense, because that's where the faith comes in. Right? I have faith that what i'm saying makes sense.
Dennis: Okay, so even if it doesn't make sense, your faith makes it make sense.
Mac: Correct.
Dennis: Got it! Okay, so there's no way to have a rational conversation with you.
Mac: No.

Dee: [very drunk] Good evening, I need to speak to Mr. Kim please.
Mr. Kim: I'm Mr. Kim.
Dee: Huh. Alright, Mr. Kim, my name is Rita Fire... s. Hmm, Fires. And I am from the National Health Inspectors, uh, Store and I need to, I need to make sure your secret microbrew is up to code.
Mr. Kim: Health inspector?
Dee: Oh you bet your ass, Kim.
Dee: [Mr. Kim throws her out the back door] Wait, I just wanted your stupid recipe!
Mr. Kim: You, terrible actress!
Dee: Wait, wait, wait! Okay, I'll sleep with you.
Mr. Kim: Your breath smell like vomit.

Da': I love you guys, man. You know, you remind me of my kids.
Dennis: Oh, you got kids, Maniac?
Da': [long pause] Nah. Not anymore.
[walks away distraught]
Dennis: What does that mean?
Charlie: We got a problem. What is he- what is he talking about with his kids?
Dennis: Did he kill his kids?

Dee: Trey asked me to prom last night. This is getting really weird.
Charlie: That girl Sarah asked me too.
Dee: Are you kidding?
Mac: What? We can't go to the prom, thats pathetic.
Charlie: What do you mean "we"? Who asked you?

Dennis: Hey, do you remember all the good times that we used to have in the back of your dad's Datsun behind this place? Oh, man. So much romance. Mmm. Hey, how is your dad?
Maureen: Dad died last year.
Dennis: Did he die?
Maureen: Yeah.
Dennis: Oh, that's... that's too bad. It happens, you know. He was getting up there, right? I mean, it was probably natural causes, or...
Maureen: Suicide.
Dennis: Sui- suicide?
Maureen: Car exhaust, yeah. I had to break the window of the Datsun, so...
Dennis: Oh, yeah. It was one of those. One of those, huh?
Maureen: His eyes were so yellow.
Dennis: Okay.

Frank: [Hanging out the window of the Range Rover, driving away] "Tell people we pushed you!" -Frank to Schmitty

Mac: We're getting plowed in the ass by the oil companies and the gas companies. With their 10-gallon hats and their rotten ass-plowing hearts.

Dennis: [Seeing Jackie Denardo in person for the first time] Charlie, I might be in love with this woman. Not for the right reasons mind you.

[last lines]
Frank: [shocked] Oh my god. I get it. I get it.

Dee: If we're going to be meeting sophisticated men, we need to start acting with class. We cannot be telling people that we have bleached assholes.
Artemis: He was gonna find out anyway.

Charlie: I mean, shit, if you want it to be a bicep, it needs more veins!

Charlie: [Frank is downing a bunch of pills with beer] What are you doing?
Frank: I'm taking 'em because I can't sift through the duds. I gotta take 'em all because I gotta get healthy really fast.

Dee: Oh shit, Ben, look - a carnie.
[puts arms around carnie]
Dee: So I wonder if there's a kissing booth anywhere close.
[the carnie stabs her]
Dee: Oww! Ohh you stabbed me! He stabbed me with a key!

Dennis: These kids these days, I'll tell you what. They are nothing like we used to be back when we were in fraternities. They have no respect for anybody, okay? They're like stupid little goddamn savages.
Frank: They're bitches, they're bitches! They're little bitches!
Dennis: I came in there, right? And I was polite, and I was nice to them. I was cordial. And they completely goddamn disrespected me! Little idiots! Idiots! I was completely respectful. They're supposed to be my brothers, right? They're my brothers? No, no, that's lot fun. What they were doing wasn't fun. They kept zapping us and zapping us. Idiots! Savages! Idiots! Idiots!

Mac: Bless me father, for I have sinned. It's been one week since my last confession.
Father: Okay, my son. In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, what is your confession?
Mac: I'm fat.
[cuts to episode title "How Mac Got Fat"]

Charlie: GOOD MORNING, JUAREZ FAMILY!

Frank: Ah I see you two are enjoying my meat. I was just buying some wine. A nice port to compliment what you two have just eaten. By the way, you know what you've just eaten right?
Dee: Was it venison?
Frank: You WISH it was venison!
Charlie: What is it then?
Frank: THAT which you have just eaten, which your taste buds have savored, which your teeth have just torn apart, THAT is human meat.

Dee: [after hearing that a young hitch hiker they've picked up is running away from home to go to Hollywood] Oh no... You're gonna end up doing gay porno with this little body of yours.

Dennis: Oh, do me a favor. Peel this apple for me please.
Dee: No! No, I'm not gonna peel an apple for you!
Dennis: But Mac always does it for me.
Dee: Why does Mac peel your apples for you?
Dennis: He doesn't like for me to eat the apples with the skin on it. He says the skin's loaded with toxins.
Dee: Well, good news. Mac's not here.
Dennis: I know he's not here, and that's why I need you to do it for me. Please, please.
Dee: Oh, Jesus. Just eat it with the skin on it.
Dennis: I do not like it with the skin, Dee! I am not *allowed* to eat it with the skin! I am not *allowed*!
Dee: OH, MY GOD! All right! If you just shut up, I will peel the apple for you the way Mac likes you to eat it. Give it to me. Give it to me! I'll do it the way Mac insists, okay?
Dennis: Yeah.

Mac: You want some insulin?

Artemis: He's been trying to climb through that garbage can for 20 minutes. I'm pretty sure he's on acid.
Frank: Thank God you guys are here. How'd you get in here?
Dennis: What are you talking about?
Frank: I've been stuck in this bathroom for three hours.
Artemis: I think he pooped in there.

Dennis: [describing his workout goals] I'm going for that Jesus on the cross look.

Frank: Shit balls!

Dennis: Let's get back to showing Bill that life is happy.
Jane: Bill's a lying, cheating, drug-addict piece of garbage, and we all hope he dies.

Charlie: I'll totally pull a Good Will Hunting on those kids and that'll put 'em in their place.
Mac: How are you gonna do that?
Charlie: Well, you've seen the movie, right?
Mac: Yeah.
Charlie: So all I gotta do is I'll ask them some like big shot, like, math or science, history-type college question and then I'll totally stump them by knowing a lot more about the answer than they do.
Mac: Yeah, in that movie, Matt Damon played a genius janitor. You're just a janitor.
Charlie: ...Right.
[chuckles]
Charlie: ... Ah, you stumped me with that one.

Mac: I'm having all the girls come in, just to make sure we vibe.
Rachelle: Of course.
Mac: What's the difference between you and the rest of the girls?
Rachelle: Well, my heart is in this 100%, and for more than just a billboard.
Mac: For *more* than a billboard... That's interesting. I haven't heard that yet.
Rachelle: Ooh, no?
Mac: I feel like there's vibing happening right now. This is the vibing I'm talking about!
Rachelle: [giggles] Yeah!
Mac: I feel like we're completing each other's...
Rachelle: Sentences!
Mac: Yeah, I was gonna say sentences! Oh, my God! How did you read my...
Rachelle: Mind!
Mac: I was gonna say head.

Trey: [Dee is chugging beers] Wow, you can really put 'em back, can't you?
Dee: The trick is to just kind of open your throat.

Lil': [beginning of rap] Let me tell you all a story 'bout a girl I knew. A broke-ass bitch with a gay-ass crew...

Dennis: What do I want you to say? I don't know... "Dennis Reynolds, your car is awesome. Your flat-screen TV, I took a look at it. It's very very thin. It speaks volumes about you as a person."

Charlie: Okay, I just killed three very large rats that were stuck in glue traps.
Dennis: Good work.
Charlie: No. No, no, that's not good work. I am done with rat detail. That's by far the worst job in the bar.
Dennis: That's why we call it Charlie Work.

Charlie: [singing] Sharing, it's a rule now.
[fart noise]

Frank: [Charlie and Dee are discussing where to get some human meat from Frank] That wasn't human meat! It was raccoon meat. You probably got a tapeworm, that stuff is loaded with parasites!
Charlie: [Charlie starts laughing hysterically] Raccoon meat! BULLSHIT!
Dee: Oh yes Frank, we're gonna go get some of that human meat of yours!
Charlie: [brandishing a butcher knife] I'M GONNA CHOP A PIECE OF THAT FAT LITTLE CALF MUSCLE OF YOURS AND I'M GONNA EAT IT! GET HIM!
[Charlie and Dee chase after Frank]
Mac: And the hunt is on once again.
Dennis: Oh those two are gonna have so much fun.
[Dennis goes and locks the door]
Mac: Yes indeed. But the question still remains with what to do with Mr. Cricket.
Dennis: Yup Mac, it's just us now. Just you and me, and a couple of pairs of sour, sweaty balls.

Charlie: So what, you want a maid?
Frank: That's right, a maid. A maid I can bang.

Mac: Look, everybody! Sweet Dee's here!
Dee: Hey, everybody!
Charlie: Whoa, whoa! What are you doing here?
Janell: Charlie?
Dennis: Whoa, whoa, what is going on here? You guys know each other?
Charlie: Yeah, that's the crazy bitch that punched me in my eye!
Terrell: Charlie! That's my sister!
Mac: Now, just to clarify, when you say sister, you mean...
Terrell: I mean my sister.
Mac: Yeah! Okay! This is great because earlier, you were implying that I was racist because you thought that I was implying that all black people are related, and then it turns out that you people actually are!

Mac: If the McPoyles got blown, and Charlie got blown, then why didn't I get blown?
Dennis: You're going to hell, dude.
Dee: Seriously.

Mac: Dennis always tells me, "Never let someone's resistance stop you from getting what you want."

Wayne: What's up guys?
Mac: I have polio.
Wayne: Oh. Ok...
Dennis: I have polio too.
Wayne: Alright...
[Mac and Dennis roll away]

Terrell: Nothing scares gays and black folks like Irish crap.

Richard: That seaweed is making me a little sick. Can I get a chalk break, or something like that?

Frank: You got to get a ferret down in the basement, because Charlie says ferrets scare the shit out of rats.
Jason: What are you talking about? What is... what is... who... who is Charlie?
Frank: You're Charlie. No, you're too tall. By any chance, do you have homosexual tendencies?
[to Kelly]
Frank: You... you could be Dee, but you're smaller. You got a better body, I think.
[to David]
Frank: You, I don't know... I don't know who the hell you are, 'cause we didn't have a black.

Charlie: This company is being bled like a stuffed pig Mac, and I got a paper trail to prove it. Check this out, take a look at this.
Mac: Jesus Christ, Charlie.
Charlie: That right there is the mail. Now let's talk about the mail. Can we talk about the mail please, Mac? I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, okay? Pepe Silvia, this name keeps comin' up over and over and over again. Every day Pepe's mail's getting sent back to me. Pepe Silvia, Pepe Silvia, I look in the mail, this whole box is Pepe Silvia! So I say to myself I gotta find this guy. I gotta go up to his office, I gotta put his mail in the guy's goddamn hands! Otherwise he's never gonna get it, it's gonna keep coming back down here. So I go up to Pepe's office and what do I find out, Mac, what do I find out? There is no Pepe Silvia. The man does not exist, okay? So I decided, ohh shit, buddy, I gotta dig a little deeper. There's no Pepe Silvia, you gotta be kidding me, I got boxes full of Pepe! All right, so I start marching my way down to Carol in H.R. and I knock on her door and I say, "Caaarol, Caaarol! I gotta talk to you about Pepe!" And when I open the door, what do I find? There's not a single goddamn desk in that office. There is no Carol in H.R. Mac, half the employees in this building have been made up. This office is a goddamn ghost town.
Mac: Okay Charlie, I'm gonna have to stop you right there. Not only do all of these people exist, but they have been asking for their mail on a daily basis. It's all they're talking about up there. Jesus Christ, dude. We are gonna lose our jobs.
Charlie: Well calm down, 'cause here's one thing that's not gonna happen.
Mac: What?
Charlie: We're not gonna get fired.
Mac: We're not?
Charlie: 'Cause we've already been fired.
Mac: We've lost our jobs?
Charlie: Yeah. About three days ago, a couple pink slips came in the mail. One for you, one for me. So what did I do? I mailed them halfway to Siberia.
Mac: Charlie, if we've lost our jobs that means we've lost our health insurance. Which means all of this was for nothing! Goddammit dude, I am having a panic attack. I'm actually having a panic attack.
Charlie: Will you settle down and have another cup of coffee?
Mac: I am, bro.
Charlie: All right, well fine. You know what, Barney, give this guy a cigarette. He's freakin' out.
Mac: Huh? Who?
Charlie: Barney. He's the guy who tipped me off to Pepe Silvia.
Mac: Barney? Who the hell is Barney?
Charlie: You don't see Ba- oh, shit. Where the hell did he...?
Mac: You've lost your mind. You've lost your goddamn mind, Charlie!

Dee: We need to talk to you about something, Dad.
Frank: Shoot.
Dennis: It's kind of disturbing.
Frank: You two aren't banging, are you?
Dee: What?
Dennis: No! What are you talking about?
Dee: No, that's disgusting.
Frank: Yeah, yeah it is. Stay away from that kind of thing. No good can come of it, trust me.

Mac: Whoa! What's that? You were supposed to get booze.
Frank: Oh, this is ham soaked in rum. It is loaded with booze.
Mac: Goddammit, Frank, eating your drinks? That is genius!
Frank: Hey, warm sun, cool ocean breezes, getting ripshit on ham.
Mac: Might you say we're getting "hammered"?

Jackie: What is it that you do again?
Charlie: I'm like a janitor at- um, I'm a... full-on rapist, you know? Uh, Africans, dyslexics, children, that sorta thing.

Dennis: I want to talk about faith. It's not about whether something is true, or-or-or based in fact or reality or the laws of physics or nature or even basic common sense. It's about whether or not we're dumb enough to believe in it that matters. Oh, folks, who the hell am I to say that there is no God? Who am I? Or to say that anybody's belief in the church doesn't make their life better? Maybe it does. Or that this man, Dr. Jinx - who am I to say that he can't cure diseases with his sorcery? I don't know. I say maybe he can. And I believe that maybe he can.
[chuckles]
Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen, if we believe... if we just believe... then we can do anything!
[audience cheers]
Dennis: Oh, yeah, ladies and gentlemen. I feel it now! Do you feel it? Do you feel the spirit? Do you feel the invisible things around you that don't really exist? Oh, it doesn't matter!
[Dr. Jinx gets up and starts dancing]

Charlie: I'm not an executioner. I'm the best goddamn bird lawyer in the world.