The Best Barney Gumble Quotes

Bart: Can't talk now. Texting.
Moe: Ooh, a text. Heh. Let's see... text message for I.M. A. Weiner. As you can all see, I.M. A. Weiner.
Barney: [the barflies all laugh] I see it, Moe!
Moe: Why you... when I...
[texting]
Moe: "When I a hold of you..." Oh, damn it, I typed a 'F' and not a 'D'. Uh... delete, delete, delete, delete. Oh, crap, I just donated $20 to Haiti.

Barney: All the good ones are either married or Homer.

Barney: Excuse me, are you Jennifer Aniston?
Lisa: [whispers] No!
Barney: That's exactly what Jennifer Aniston would say.

Barney: Homer's son's sister is right!

Carl: [at a wishing well] I wish for world peace.
Barney: I wish for world war.
Carl: Hey, that is cooler.

Homer: Here I have all this money, and I can't even use it to help the woman who gave birth to me.
Barney: Why don't you buy stuff for your family and leave it where they can find it?
Homer: That's brilliant! Just for that, you can help yourself to anything from this tree.
Barney: But that's not the money tree.
Homer: This is the tree where I hide my adult magazines.
[Barney reaches inside, pulls out issues of The Economist]
Barney: Whoa!

Barney: Why don't you get one of those hands-free phones? It's the next best thing to paying attention to the road!