Top 300 Quotes From Dinosaurs

B.P. Richfield: The next one of you to say something asinine has to run against me.
Earl: How asinine does it have to be, my captain?
B.P. Richfield: Congratulations, Sinclair, you're nominated.

Robbie: Hi, I'm Robert Sinclair, but you know me as Robbie Sinclair from the adult-themed megahit "Dinosaurs".
Dmitri: Hey, great show, Robbie!
Robbie: Thanks, Dmitri!
Dmitri: But it got a little preachy towards the end.
Robbie: Indeed it did. You see folks, drugs are a major problem in our society. Thanks. Drugs ruin lives, divide families, and lead to preachy, heavy-handed sitcom episodes like this one. Of course, we manage to keep it delightfully funny and upbeat, but other shows aren't so lucky. There's an epidemic in television today that threatens the very fiber of the comedy we hold so dear. When one show does an anti-drug episode, other shows feel pressure to do one too. Now they're even going after the younger shows. I mean, we've only been on for a year, and here I am talking to the camera. So come on! Say no to drugs. Help put a stop to preachy sitcom endings like this one. It's up to you to make a difference.

Baby: Wait a minute! Lightning struck twice in the same place?

Robbie: This is great, I don't understand why dinosaurs don't come down here in herds.
Spike: Well as I recall, I practically had to drag *you* in by your tail.

Grown: [Fran's premonition, on a talk show] I wanted to quit, but she kept pushing me! She couldn't get enough! She! She! SHE!
Sally: You mean... your mother?
Grown: Yeah, my mother. She was there when I was hot. But where was she when I didn't get arrested, Sal? Where was she when I DID get arrested?

Robbie: That's what I was about to tel you, Warner gave all the songs to Perry Llewellyn, he ripped us off.
Sonny: You mean he ripped *us* off. Oh Pop, you were right, you can't get a fair shake from the Lizard. I'm never leaving the swamp again.
Howlin': Hush up, I want to hear this.
TV: Order your copy of Swamp Music today, due to excessive demand, estimated delivery is 6-8 weeks.
Howlin': That guy's making a fortune with our music.
Sonny: Yeah, we got shafted!
Howlin': I know that, but you're missing the big picture. If he can get famous doing *that* to our music, just think what we could do by giving folks the real thing.
Sonny: But you *can't* trust the Lizard, Pop.
Howlin': Oh hush up about the Lizard. I spent my life moaning about what the Lizard done to me, and now I'm starting to hear the same things coming out of your mouth, and I don't like it.
Sonny: But how're we gonna release our music? The Lizard will never give us a break.
Howlin': Then we make our own breaks. There's no reason we can't cut our own records, and release them ourselves, a mammal owned record company!

Roy: Maybe, if you wish really, really hard, you can see Georgie.
Baby: Don't toy with me!

Mother: Oh dear. It looks like Jimmy tried to put out the fire himself by jumping in the river.
Totally: See? It's best we don't interfere in these matters.
Mother: He doesn't know how to swim! YOU never taught him!
Totally: Let him learn to swim the way I did... on the street.
TV: Tune in next week for the hilarious funeral episode on "Totally Ineffectual Dad!"

Earl: Hey guys, it's not that I don't blindly believe everything the government's telling us, but what do you think of the news blackout all of a sudden?
Sid: What're you saying there, Earl?
Earl: I'm saying after all the good news all of a sudden, they're not telling us anything.

[Charlene stutters at Robbie; who is in a bad mood after his 30th day at work]
Robbie: [annoyed] What?
Charlene: Well, since you've been helping me with my homework, I've got a shot of getting my first B.
Robbie: What is it?
Charlene: So, I was wondering, could you help find the continent of Pangaea on this map?
[Charlene opens the map which shows the continent of Pangaea]
Robbie: You're grounded for a week.
Charlene: For what?
Robbie: *Stupidity*!
Charlene: You can't ground me for that!
Robbie: Are we trying for a month?
Charlene: Yeah, but...
[leaves in anger]
Charlene: Oh, brothers! You are...
Robbie: Hey, and shut that door! Do I have to air-condition the whole neighborhood?
[the door slams shut]

Earl: There's no dinner, there's no vegetables.
Fran: Dinner ate the vegetables.
Earl: And left just like that? Without coffee? Well, he's never eating around here again.

Roy: No lunch today, pally boy?
Earl: No, my wife thinks I should be more spiritually aware, and my breakfast took her side.

Clerk: I present to you the ultimate symbol of male supremacy, the TV remote control.

Jean: We have sacrificed everything.
Brigitte: Yes. Will you join our noble quest?
Earl: Uh, I'm not sure. I don't think I could do the accent.
Brigitte: Oh, that is unimportant. All that is necessary is a passion for justice. Not even a kiss?

Earl: [Earl is reading an apology card to Fran] What can I say? I've ruined your day / and made you all angry and surly / How could I make such a thoughtless mistake / And bury your mother, too early?
[Fran doesn't respond]
Earl: Aw, come on, Fran! They wouldn't make the card, if this didn't happen all the time!

Fran: Nobody is switching babies until I see some absolute proof!

[Earl is consoling Charlene after her date dumps her]
Earl: How'd I do, Fran?
Fran: Well... "not the mama", but you'll do in a pinch.

Earl: Maybe we went a little overboard with the poison.
Charlene: A little? Your stupid spray killed all plant life!
Earl: Hey, what are you complaining about? You never liked salads anyway.
Robbie: You've destroyed the global food chain! No plants means no food at all!
Earl: Nonsense! There's a wide variety of commercial snack foods which have virtually no natural ingredients.
Fran: Earl, we can't live on Ho-Ho's!
Baby: I can!

Grandma: I don't know what I was thinking.
Fran: Well, I can't just stand here waiting. I'm calling the police.
Charlene: Don't bother, I'm back.
Fran: Charlene, thank heavens! Are you all right?
Charlene: I'm fine.
Grandma: Did you find the lilies?
Charlene: No. The legendary lilies were all plowed under to make room for a one-hour photo booth.

Spike: If you want to hear great music, you gotta come down to the swamp.
Robbie: The swamp? That's on the other side of the tracks, isn't it?
Spike: Yeah, real dangerous. Your dad would never let you go.
Robbie: No problem, we'll just sneak out.
Baby: I'm telling!
Spike: Difficult to do without a tongue.
Earl: [enters kitchen] Telling what?
Baby: They're going to the swamp!
[points to Spike]
Baby: And he's gonna rip my tongue out!
Earl: Yeah?
[to Spike]
Earl: Well I'm with you on the tongue thing.
Baby: Hey!

Baby: I want to watch the movie, I'm a bi-i-i-ig boy!
Fran: Of course you are. You want your snuggle bear?
Baby: Yes.

Charlene: Dad, I can't go out there. I'm too nervous.
Roy: Oh. Here's a tip for stage fright.
Charlene: What?
Roy: Imagine the audience is in their underwears.
Charlene: Two thousand teenage boys in their underwear? See you on stage.

Baby: You got spit up?
Earl: Yep.
Baby: You got spit up too?
Robbie: Yeah.
Baby: Did you bring me a present?

Charlene: Daddy, can't I even say hello without you thinking that I want something?
[Earl looks at her]
Charlene: A sweater. I just want a sweater.
Earl: I just want dinner but it doesn't look good for either of us.

Charlene: I don't see why Monica's putting herself through this, couldn't she just find another job?
Robbie: You're missing the whole point: Monica's fighting against injustice, struggling for the rights of females everywhere.
Earl: Yeah? Write a song about it.

Fran: Please, we're desperate!
Earl: Yeah.
Grandma: Look, I already told you. He's two, it's terrible, end of story.
Fran: There's nothing we can do? There's no help for us anywhere? Oh, Earl, I don't think I can go on much longer.
[cries]

Earl: [loses it, about Charlene's new tail] She's a tomato!

B.P. Richfield: Well, if it isn't the Sinclairs. What a delightful looking family you have, Earl.
Earl: Oh, well let me introduce them...
B.P. Richfield: Not interested! SIT DOWN!

Earl: And we were gonna ask to jump out of the cake.
Fran: Terrible twos. That's an old wives' tale.
Ethyl: So what do I look like, a debutante? Think back, Fran. You've gone through this twice before. Robbie, and then Charlene.
Fran: Well, let me see. I remember making little decorative twos for the birthday cakes.................. . and then they were three years old. That's funny. I've no recollection of that entire year.
Earl: Fran, let me try. Uh, I was sneaking a taste of the icing from Robbie's second birthday cake............... . and then it was this morning. Did I miss anything, Fran?
Ethyl: Oh, jeez.
Fran: That's odd. Neither of us has any recollection of the children being two.
Ethyl: It's was so traumatic and horrible you blocked it out, and now it's gonna happen again. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Earl: [singing] Happy Birthday dear Baby Happy Birthday to you
Baby: [singing] Happy birthday to me
[the whole family laugh and electricity crackles]
Baby: [cackles]
Earl: Okay, son, time to blow out the candles.
[Baby Sinclair breathes smoke at the family]
Charlene: Baby!
Earl: [Baby Sinclair laughs]
[puts icing in his mouth and smacks his lips]
Earl: Yum. Devil's food.

Robbie: So, Dad, when do I get to take her for a spin?
Earl: It's a new car, son, it's not mean to be driven.
Robbie: But you just let Mom take it.
Earl: Son, your mother is a capable, responsible...
[hears engine roar]
Earl: WHAT? WAIT FOR ME!

Fran: Honey, you have to earn his love.
Earl: That could take years. I want his love now. Genuine and unconditional. And I'm willing to pay for it.

Baby: You're a quack!
Aubrey: Shh! He's a distinguished man of science!

Dr. Herder: Terrible twos.
Fran: We think so.
Dr. Herder: Oh, I've seen this a hundred times before. A child of two is looking for his parents to give him some concrete boundaries. So I suggest you wall him up inside a cave for a year.
Dr. Herder: [gives the letter to Earl Sinclair] Here. Take this to the hardware store, they'll give you cement and a trowel.
Earl: Doc, can I get a refill for this if he claws his way out?
Fran: We are not cementing our baby into a cave.

Earl: And now...
B.P. Richfield: [Growling] No.
Earl: I'm ready to die.
Surly: Not so fast.
B.P. Richfield: Yeah, slow would be better.

Earl: I discover a whole new world and nobody even cares!
Baby: Yaaaaayyy!
Earl: There, you see? He knows how to show me some respect.
Baby: Mama discovered new world!
Earl: No, not Mama, Daddy, Daddy discovered new world.
Baby: What did Mama do?
Earl: Nothing.
Baby: Nothing, yaaaayyy! Mama did nothing! Mama did nothing! Ha ha ha!

Baby: [Gus Molehill and Fran Sinclair grunt] Ah! Make a wish.
Fran: Earl, help me!
Earl: With you in a minute!
Glenda: Let go of my boy!
Aubrey: My arms have a tendency to dislocate!

Earl: Hey! Put that down!
Robbie: What?
Earl: No one touches the phone.
Fran: Earl, this is a pay toilet, too. They're charging us for everything.
Earl: Ah, not the one thing that matters. Quiet, everybody. With my cute little bovine remote control, my vacation begins now.
[turns on the TV]

Earl: As you can see, I have separated all known dinosaur wisedom into three catagories: Animal. Vegetable. Rocks.
Robbie: What about fire?
Earl: Vegetable.
Charlene: What about water?
Earl: Water is the opposite of fire, which we have previously established as a vegetable. What's the opppsite of a vegetable? Fruit. So, water is a fruit. Fruit is not a vegetable, so it has to be either an animal or a rock. We know it's not an animal, therefore, fruit is a rock.
Charlene: Daddy, I asked you about water.

TV: The Friendly Bunny will not be seen tonight so that we may bring you the following brand new program quickly thrown together in a shameless grab for ratings.
Earl: Oh this should be good.
TV: It's the Smoo Show!
Baby: *Smoo*!

Mr. Myman: [trying to keep Fran and Baby in showbusiness] You could have your own show, talk about anything you want, cooking, household cleaning... how you raise everybody's favorite baby.
Baby: Mama?
Fran: Hmm?
Baby: WHERE'S MY LIMO?
Fran: [to Mr. Myman] You want to know how I'm going to raise my baby? Well it is NOT going to be on some movie lot surrounded by a bunch of manipulative, two faced cellular phonies. He's going to be raised here by a family that loves him and knows what's best for him.
Mr. Myman: I see,
[to Baby]
Mr. Myman: Your mama's trying to flush your career down the toilet. We're not going to let her get away with that, are we?
Baby: [looks at Fran and back to Myman] Yes!
[hits Myman with a frying pan]

Earl: He gets it from your side.
Fran: What?
Earl: Your Uncle Elmo, the one they never talk about, he always ate off the wrong side of the plate.

Earl: I'm 43 years old and I've never been to Europe.

Mr. Pulman: So, unless you want to repeat this class in summer school, I suggest you put your brain in gear and come up with a totally original idea.

Fran: You promised him, Earl.
Earl: Oh, fine! Pack up the kid! Let's go.
Baby: Yay!

Robbie: [as Robbie picks up a jar with green liquid in it, trying to feed Baby] Open up.
Baby: I don't like that.
[Robbie picks up another jar with brown sugar-like contents in it]
Baby: I don't like that.
[Robbie picks up another jar with chucks of meat in it, opens it, and spoons it out]
Baby: I don't like that.
Robbie: Eat this!
Baby: Okay.
Robbie: Ahhhhhhhh...
Robbie: All right, now look, be a good baby brother and fall asleep or something.
Baby: How come you're the babysitter?
Robbie: Because I got grounded.
Baby: I'm your punishment?
Robbie: Yep.
Baby: I like that.
Robbie: I'm happy *you're* happy.
Baby: Why'd you get grounded?
Robbie: Because of this girl, Caroline.
Baby: She nice?
Robbie: Yeah, she's pretty hot.
Baby: Hot, don't touch!
Robbie: No, no, no, this is the kind of hot you *want* to touch.
Baby: I don't get it.
Robbie: Neither do I.

Earl: I mean you don't need a license to go fishing or own a gun, but being a parent, for that you need a license.

Zabar: Behold! The child is cured.
Fran: Look! The spots, they're gone. He's back to normal.
Earl: Wait. I'll be the judge of that. Do you happen to have a frying pan on you?
Zabar: I do.
Fran: Oh.
Earl: Wow. Thanks. Here, son.
[gives the frying pan to Baby Sinclair]
Earl: Now, are you all right? Do you know who I am?
[Baby Sinclair hits Earl Sinclair with a frying pan]
Earl: Ow!
Baby: Not the mama!
[all laughing]
Fran: It's so good to have our little boy back, isn't it, Earl?
Earl: It sure is. And I guess I owe a big debt of gratitude to you, Fran, for not losing hope. And to Zabar there for saving the kid's life.
Zabar: Don't mention it.
Earl: And... ..that's it.

Gus: [Gus Molehill arrives] Hey, how you doing? Gus Molehill. Gotta love me. Gotta love me!
[laughs]
Gus: Hey, nice digs. Hey. Ooh, what are you doin' for food here?
Fran: Earl, I'm still not convinced.
Gus: Hey, this is my wife Glenda.
Glenda: Hello. How are you?
Gus: And this is my boy Aubrey.
[chuckles]
Gus: So you must be the mama.
Fran: Oh! Yes.
Gus: And I guess that makes you not the mama!
[Earl Sinclair grunts]
Gus: Not the mama!
[laughs and coughs]
Earl: Fran, he's a cute green kid.
Gus: Hey. My boy looks just like you, Earl.

Officer: [the police officers kick in the door] Ha! You! You're under arrest!
[all gasp]
Earl: What for?
Officer: Copyright infringement. You messed with the wrong hippo, pal.
Earl: Wait, wait...
Officer: That's right.
[indistinct shouting]
Officer: Don't make this any harder on yourself.
[the police officers arrest Earl]
Baby: Hey, don't touch him! That's Georgie!

B.P. Richfield: I was just complimenting you on your handbag.
Monica: I don't have a handbag. I don't have hands!

Robbie: [Earl decides to fight Gary] Dad, are you sure about this? You saw Gary's sock.
Earl: Bring on his socks, bring on his shorts, bring on the whole hamper!

Grandma: [to the Baby] Open up. I know your mouth hurts, it's because your teeth are coming in. Mine are going out, it's all a part of life, a beautiful cycle. Now eat this or I'll kill you.

Earl: Fran, I have been waiting in that car with your mother for ten minutes. Just your mother and me. In the car. Ten... minutes. AAAAAAAHAHHHHHH!

Fran: Earl, what happened to Monica was completely unfair, there must be some way she could get her job back.
Earl: No, there is not.
Fran: Oh come on, Earl, there must be something she could do.
Earl: Oh no no, there's nothing, and even if there was, there wouldn't be.
Fran: Oh, you thought I was asking about Monica, no! It's for my cousin, Monty, who works for WeSaySo, the... southern branch.
Earl: Oh well why didn't you tell me that? Just tell Monty that if he was unjustly fired, he can request a hearing from the corporate board of grievances.

Earl: Fran, it's a nightmare out there, our boys are getting their eyes poked out! Everything we've been told is a lie!

Monica: You know, as long as we allow ourselves to be intimidated by males, we females will never get a fair shake in society.
Charlene: Oh yeah, like I'm gonna change the world.
Monica: Well we may not be able to change the whole world, Charlene, but we have to start somewhere.

Earl: This is terrible. I've failed my family. I'm nothing. I'm dirt.
Robbie: You're not dirt, Dad.
Earl: No, you're right, I'm beneath dirt. I look up to dirt. I wish I was dirt. Dirt laughs at me!
Fran: Earl, it'll be okay.
Earl: No it won't, Fran. This is gonna be the worst Refrigerator Day EVER.

Earl: Dinosaurs. Big laughs. Small brains.

Robbie: Dad, you're going to coat the entire continent with poison? Isn't there some safer alternative?
Earl: Like what?
Charlene: Well, trim back the vines as much as we can, live with a little discomfort, and hope that nature eventually restores the balance.
Earl: That's inconvenient and time consuming, my idea is exciting and high tech.
Robbie: Yeah but have you tested this stuff to make sure it's safe?

Absolute: The green baby goes to the Sinclairs, and the pink baby belongs to the Molehills. Science has spoken. Now, take your babies, go home, and live the rest of your lives.
Earl: [in the house] All right, son. I'll toss you the ball and you'll hit it.
Aubrey: As you wish, Father.
Earl: Batter up.
[throws the ball at Aubrey Molehill]
Earl: Oh! Oh!
Aubrey: Oh! Heavens, missed that one. Oh! Another of my nose bleeds.
Earl: Oh! Bad throw. Sorry. Oh! Oh, oh!
Aubrey: Oh, if you could get me a tissue.
Earl: Oh, Robbie, get your brother a tissue.
Robbie: Aw, jeez, is he bleeding again?
Aubrey: I have a weak nasal membrane.
Earl: He's got a membrane. Get him a tissue!
Robbie: That's all I do is bring tissues and Q-tips and cotton balls.
Aubrey: Could I trouble you for tweezers? I believe I've gotten a splinter from this rough-hewn bat.
Robbie: Shh. Don't talk. You'll pull a muscle.
Earl: Hmm?
Aubrey: Hmm?
Earl: Uh, tell you what. Let's play something a little less physical.
Aubrey: All right.
Earl: How about a game of peek-a-boo?
Aubrey: Okay.
Earl: All right. Now, you cover your eyes.
Aubrey: Mm-hmm.
[covers his eyes]
Earl: Now I'll cover mine.
[covers his eyes too]
Earl: Now, where's Daddy? Where did he go?
[laughs]
Aubrey: Father! Father! Where have you gone?
Earl: Huh? Huh?
Aubrey: Oh, oh! Don't abandon me!
[gasps]
Aubrey: I'm having an asthma attack!
Earl: It's all right. I'm here. Daddy's here!
Aubrey: Where's my inhaler?
Earl: Inhaler? Inhaler? Oh. Ah! Here it is. Here it is.
[inhaler puffs]
Aubrey: Ah! What a cruel, cruel game. I felt so alone. Promise me you'll never play that again, Father.
Earl: I promise, I promise, just don't bleed.

Ethyl: I've decided to enjoy life and love all of you. Starting tomorrow.
Fran: Why not today?
Ethyl: Because today there is a perfectly good hole in the backyard and we're going to bury fat boy in it.

Richard: So, had yourself a little pageant, huh?
Earl: A little pageant? We just had ourselves the most wonderful pageant imaginable. It had significance. It had sincere family value. It had a spirituality that made me realize what this holiday is all about.
Richard: The one we do at the department store has an orchestra and lasers.
Earl: Ooh!
Fran: Earl!

Mr. Harold Heffer: [after accusing Monica of being a prostitute] Everyone hear the word 'prostitute'?
Grandma: [watching the TV] I can't believe they used that kind of language on television! Don't they know that kids are watching?
Fran: Mother, this is an important real life event, it'll make the kids think.
Grandma: I don't want the kids to think. I want the kids to watch safe little situation comedies with time tested, repetitive storylines.

Earl: Hey Fran, are you Happy?
Fran: Well... I would be a lot Happier if you were on your way to Work.
Earl: Then I'm on my way to Work...
[stops for a long Pause]
Fran: What's wrong, Earl?
Earl: I just realized that... I'm not wearing any Pants.

Grandma: [after hearing Earl describe the job of a tree-pusher]
[sarcastically]
Grandma: Wow, that certainly sounds appealing. Where do I sign up?
Earl: Ha ha ha, well you can't. They don't hire bitter, shrivelled-up old ladies.
Grandma: Right, they usually only take big, fat slobs.
Earl: She'll be dead soon, son.

Pearl: I wish he wasn't so mad at me.
Baby: Get him a toy!
Pearl: Oh, I think it'll take more than that, sugar.
Baby: More than a toy? Wow.

Earl: There's so much I don't know about running a house. For example, on these frozen dinners, when they say preheat the oven, do they mean the whole oven or just the space inside it?

Earl: What is that sound I hear? Is it someone running down our proud nation? Someone spitting on our glorious flag? Oh! Then it must be Monica!
Fran: She's just stating her opinion, Earl.
Earl: Yeah, an unpatriotic negative left-wing wacko opinion!
Monica: Are you suggesting we just ignore the problems out there?
Earl: As patriotic citizens, it is our duty! According to the Chief Elder, times are only bad if we think they're bad. So we should fill our heads with happy thoughts, and our nation will prosper!
Monica: You're just deluding yourself.
Earl: Exactly! And it's that kind of delusion that's made our country what it is today.

Neighbor: You Sinclair kids come over here at the middle of the night on the 31st of October and expect me to give you candy? GET LOST.
Robbie: Hmm, next time maybe we should wear costumes.
Robbie: Naw.

Earl: If he's so wise, how come he doesn't have a house?

Earl: Roy borrowed my mug?
Fran: Yes, he said he wanted to impress a date.
Earl: You loaned it to Roy? He's riff raff! Oh, Mr. Richfield was right.
[Roy enters from behind; Earl doesn't notice]
Earl: Now Cap'n Willy's stranded in Roy's crummy little low-rent dump, while Roy and some sleazy cookie slobber over it and paw it with their greasy little fingers!
Baby: Hi, Uncle Roy.

Fran: Mother, what's wrong?
Grandma: First off, you married THAT!

Baby: [after hatching] Whoa, I'm on the floor. Whuh-oh, lots of feet; can't get up.

Officer: Hello, I'm Dr. Brazzelton, and I have to give your child a very scary and painful shot.
Earl: [to Baby] There was one little boy who wouldn't let the doctor give him a shot. And you know what happened to him? His toes fell off, his eyes melted, and his head swelled up.
[Baby faints]
Earl: Okay, Doc, he's out, stick 'im.

Robbie: Hey, birthday boy, help is on the way.
[laughs]
Robbie: Here you go, bro, a little something I made for you in shop class.
Baby: Gimme, gimme, gimme!
Robbie: Ow! I think I lost my finger.
[Baby Sinclair unwraps a present]
Fran: Oh, a toy train.
Robbie: Yeah, I worked on it all year. I even whittled little forks and spoons for the dining cart.
[laughs]
Fran: Wasn't that thoughtful?
Baby: [gets angry and smashes the toy train with a hammer] Want something from the store!
Fran: Oh!
[Baby Sinclair cries]
Robbie: Gee, that clear varnish doesn't protect like it's supposed to.
Charlene: Oh, I'm sorry.
Baby: [angrily] I'm not happy! I'm not happy! I'M NOT HAPPY!

Earl: I know they just crawled out of the sludge and I hate to be critical of other life forms, but God, I hate lawyers.

Roy: Join the party.
Ed: You guys are makin' fun of me, aren't ya?
Roy: No, we're just happy. Here, have some more of the plant.
Ed: No, no I don't like the happy plant. I used to like the happy plant. Now it just makes me paranoid. At least, I think it makes me paranoid... you all think I'm paranoid, don't you?

Earl: The kids are fine, if not, we can make more.

Earl: What reason could you possibly have for breaking up with this girl?
Robbie: She's gonna eat me, Dad!
Earl: ...Well no relationship is perfect, why your own mother forgets to put the cap back on the toothpaste.

Fran: [Attempting to return the gifts] We want to give you these things and have you give us our money back.
Richard: That makes no sense whatsoever.

Roy: Fran, I'm sure this must be a little awkward for you, so, uh, if you don't wanna sleep together for the first couple of nights, I understand.
Fran: Earl!
Earl: Roy, you're sleeping on the sofa for as long as you're here.
Roy: Gee, you sure that's okay with Mr. Richfield?

Earl: I've spent 15 years raising three kids. The only thing I'd use that parenting manual for is to whack their butts.

Fran: It's too loud!
[turns off the TV]
Fran: And I don't like the values they portray.
Robbie: Mom, you're overreacting.
Baby: Beer! Cigarettes! Chicks!
Robbie: He could've heard that anywhere.
Earl: [arrives] Where is he? Where is he? Ah, there's the birthday boy! Tomorrow's the big day! Yay.
Baby: [chuckles] Yay! Presents! Presents!
Earl: Hey! You betcha! Presents, hats, streamers, the works for your first birthday. Even a pony!
Baby: Pony?
Earl: That's right! A big, juicy one, grilled to perfection.

Baby: [laughs] I wanna explode.
[grunts]
Monica: Honey, you're not going to explode.
Baby: [strains] Wanna bet?
[grunts]
Baby: Whoops! Need a diaper, aisle four.
Charlene: [arrives] Hi, everyone.
Fran: Hi, sweetheart. How's the job hunt going?
Charlene: Terrible. There's nothing out there for females.
Fran: Now don't get discouraged. If you keep plugging away I'm sure you'll find something just wonderful.
Monica: That's right, Charlene. I hear they're hiring now in your mom's imagination.
Fran: What's that supposed to mean?
Monica: She dosen't have a chance. Haven't you ever heard of the old boys' network?
Charlene: No. What's that?
Monica: It's a bunch of old guys who all went to the same school and belonged to the same clubs. And they all get together and smoke cigars and do everything they can to keep females from getting ahead.
Fran: Oh, that's just a myth.

Robbie: [Ty Warner won't hear the swamp tape] You're making a mistake!
Ty: Oh yeah, I'm making a mistake!
[jerks Robbie to see his gold records]
Ty: I got a wall full of mistakes! Mistakes that bought me THREE houses.

Earl: Boy, the fun begins early.
Ticket: All righty. Here are your tickets. You owe us 2,000 Moo Dollars.

Earl: [the family's huddled in the dark covered in blankets and using flashlights] Do you hear that?
Fran: No, what?
Earl: Shh, a low grumbling, like the earth getting ready to open up and swallow us. Don't you hear it?
Robbie: [unfazed] It's the icemaker.
Earl: Quiet you! You brought about a cataclysm against all life on Earth and I don't want to hear another word out of you!
Baby: Are we dead yet?
Fran: No.
Baby: Oh... when we gonna be dead?
Fran: Very soon dear.
Charlene: My, my flashlight went out! I think the batteries are dead!
Earl: Dead, they're dead! It's starting, the batteries are always the first to go!
Grandma: Earl, come here, let me tell you something.
Earl: What? What?
Grandma: [hits him with her cane] Get a hold of yourself!

Earl: [On TV as Georgie] Uh, Georgie has something special to say to all of you. You see, Georgie's not what you think.
Robbie: Dad?
Fran: Earl?
Earl: [On TV as Georgie] You see, you probably think that Georgie's just a sweet, loveable guy who likes to give everybody hugs, but... .

Earl: Worth every last dollar. Which, by the way, it took.

Earl: I'm not getting my bonus and we're broke.
[Fran gasps]
Charlene: You already bought our presents?
Earl: Yes.
Charlene: So what's the problem?
Fran: The problem is we have bills to pay, now what're we going to do?
Charlene: [to Robbie] Well he got the presents, I still don't see a problem.

[the Smoo Show intro]
The: [singing] We're sayin' 'smoo', ooh/'cause it's what we do/we're sayin' 'smoo', ooh/and it's just for you/smoo, smoo, smoo, smoo, smoo-oo-oo-oo!

Sir: So... off to my place for a bit of fun?

Edward R. Hero: What an appalling display. The voters of our nation must choose between a monstrous, bloodthirsty psychopath
[Mr. Richfield]
Edward R. Hero: and a self-confessed brain-dead ignoramus
[Earl]
Edward R. Hero: . Be sure you vote tomorrow.

B.P. Richfield: [about Earl's Fernhill mug] Who said you could own one of those things?
Earl: If I'm not mistaken, sir, I believe I am entitled to have possessions.
B.P. Richfield: I suppose there's no way I could keep you from it. Legally.

Earl: Hi there, little fella.
Aubrey: Juice?
[Earl gasps]
Aubrey: Is something wrong?
Earl: You're not going to hit me?
Aubrey: Dear me, no! I just thought you might enjoy a beverage. It's quite refreshing.

[Said at the beginning of each episode]
Earl: Honey, I'm home!

Babysitter: The power of rice compels you. The power of rice compels you.

Baby: This is your Brain.
[Raises frying pan]
Baby: This is your brain on the plant.
[Hits Earl over head with frying pan]
Baby: Any questions?

Earl: We're gonna need another Timmy!

Earl: I got fired a week ago. oh, it was the happiest moment of my life. No wait, this is. No wait, thi...
Fran: Stop that! You've been leaving the house every morning. Where have you been going?
Earl: Well for the first couple of days I just stood in the driveway. But after a while that stopped being fulfilling. So, I decided to improve myself. I've been going back to school.
Fran: You mean high school?
Earl: Well I started off in high school, but I got sent back to junior high. It wasn't so much the academics, I just had trouble socially.
Fran: This is crazy.
Earl: No, no, it's okay. Now I'm passed by awkward phase. I'm making friends. Hey, I'm even going out for cheerleader! Fight'em! Fight'em!

Baby: [to Wendy] You have a bad reputation.

Baby: I'm alone in here.

Robbie: What could possibly happen?
Kyle: Earthquake!
Gus: Flood!
Sid: Plagues!
Robbie: This isn't the Dark Ages, this is 60 million B.C. Now why don't we try not howling for once? Nothing's going to happen.
[the moon disappears]

Fran: Robbie, show your father your report card.
[goes to answer phone]
Earl: Hit me with it.
Fran: [on phone] Charlene? What?
Earl: [reading report card] F, F, F, F, F, M... M? What's an M?
Robbie: Well, halfway through grading me, the teacher forgot the alphabet.
Fran: Earl! It's Charlene, she needs a ride home.
[hangs up]
Fran: She can't remember where we live!
Earl: That doesn't prove a thing, she never was the brightest kid.
Fran: Earl, you've got to put smarter shows on the air! Everyone's gotten TOO dumb!

Earl: Daddy-got-a-new-job!
Baby: Can't'-see-the-T-V!
Robbie: Forget it, Dad, his favorite show's on.
Earl: Not anymore.
[shuts TV off]
Baby: [cries] Wanna see Captain Action Figure!
Earl: What's so special about this Captain Action Guy?
Baby: He's my hero!
Earl: What's he got that I don't?
Baby: A TV show! Turn it back on!

Baby: Then what happened?
Earl: I went to work.
Baby: Why?
Earl: Because your mother makes me.
Baby: Am I at work?
Earl: No.
Baby: Am I at work?
Earl: No.
Baby: Am I at work?
Earl: Yes, yes.
Baby: No, I'm not.

Fran: Wendy.
Wendy: Yes?
Fran: You should know that your fellow students have been circulating a rumor that you have... an eating disorder.
Wendy: What?
Charlene: [accusingly] You ate your last four boyfriends and now you're gonna eat Robbie!
Wendy: [shouts] That's not true!
[Earl, Charlene, and Baby go startled]
Wendy: [now calm] I - I never ate anybody.
Fran: I believe you, dear, but you have to admit four boyfriends all disappeared, never to be seen again
Wendy: I know, it's so strange, but it's not me. It's like there's something out there devouring my boyfriends! Someone's trying to stop me from having any kind of relationship; trying to keep me from growing up. I mean, what kind of horrible monster would...
[sighs in exasperation]
Wendy: Daddy!
Earl: Daddy?
[Charlene and Fran gasp in horror]
Earl: [finally gets it] Daddy!
Baby: Uh-oh!

Robbie: Stop it! You're adults. Can't you settle this like adults?
Earl: With what, weapons?
Gus: Costly litigation?

Baby: [hitting Earl with a bottle] Not the mama, not the mama, not the mama.
Earl: I really wish you'd grow out of this.

Earl: What color is it and how much does it cost?
Zabar: Fortunately it is simple, widely available, and costs nothing. To rid the child's body of the wicked contaminant, he must eat moldy bread.
Earl: Moldy bread, huh?

Ethyl: [reading road map] According to this map, we've completely strayed from all known civilization. We've passed the Mysterious Gorge, and the River of Blood, and now we are deep in the heart of the Valley of the... Roosters.
Earl: Valley of the Roosters? Your eyes are shot, give me that map. Here it is, and it is not Valley of the Roosters, it's Valley of the Monsters. Monster!
[pause]
Ethyl: See any... roosters out there?
Earl: No.
Ethyl: Maybe we should turn around.
Earl: Good idea...
[large monster approaches them]
Earl: Uh, cock-a-doodle-doo.

Charlene: You were supposed to make me popular.
Fox: You *were* popular, for a couple of days, and now you're not.
Charlene: I gave up my best friend for you.
Fox: They all *do*!
[he and Heather chuckle]

Charlene: [on the news regarding the bunch beetles] We've plowed over their mating grounds and annihilated an entire species.
Stan: All gone.
Charlene: And for what?
Stan: What?
Charlene: Wax fruit!

Police: [angrily] Now release those kids, dirtbag! Or we'll turn you off like a light switch!
Monster: If I go, they go with me!
Police: You don't have the guts! I dare ya! Go ahead, scaredy-pants, do it! Do it! Do it.
[the monster roars]
Police: [Earl groans] He's clearly unstable. We'd better move in.
[Earl whimpers]
Earl: [guns cocking] Ahh!

Earl: [happily] Good morning, my family who loves me!
Baby: [pointing] Not the Mama!
Earl: All right, that ends right now! I have had it up to here with this "Not the Mama". I am not "Not the Mama", I'm your daddy. And you only get one, buster, and that is what you're gonna call me. Daddy. Now say "Daddy".
[Baby refuses]
Earl: Say "Daddy"!
[Baby still refuses]
Earl: Okay. All right, all right, say "da".
Baby: Da.
Earl: Say "dee".
Baby: Dee.
Earl: Da.
Baby: Da.
Earl: Dee.
Baby: Dee.
Earl: Daddy!
Baby: Daddy!
Earl: Frannie!
Baby: Daddy!
Earl: [chuckles] Fran!
Baby: Daddy!
Earl: He loves me, listen to him!
Baby: [sings] Daddy, Daddy!
[sings]
Baby: Daddy, Da-daddy, D-Daddy, Daddy, Daddy. Not the Mama!
[Earl glares at Baby]

Charlene: [Ethyl's unconscious] Grandma, can you say something?
Robbie: Hey look, look, I think she's coming around.
Earl: No no no no no, no the hole's already dug, let's get on with it.
Ethyl: Not so fast fat boy.
[takes Earl's shovel and hits him in the face with it]
Earl: [groans] I knew I should've had her cremated.
[falls down unconscious]
Ethyl: .Where am I?
Robbie: Grandma, we brought you home from the station. We were worried.
Charlene: Yeah, we better call your producer, I mean he thought you were dead.
Ethyl: Let him think whatever he wants, I'm not going back.
Fran: But why, Mom? I thought you loved talking about the afterlife.
Ethyl: I do, Fran, but if I'm ever gonna go back, I can't just sit around watching the grass grow. What I'm going to do is enjoy life and love each and every one of you... starting tomorrow.
Fran: Why not today?
Ethyl: Because today, there's a perfectly good hole in the backyard and we're gonna bury fat boy in it.
Earl: [comes around] What?
[Ethyl hits him with the shovel again and he's knocked unconscious]
Baby: Again!
[hits his toy dinosaur on the head with a toy shovel and laughs]

Earl: [after Robbie and Spike leaves, thinks about what Spike told him] I see it all now - it's all so clear!
Fran: [comes in the kitchen] Earl, is everything all straightened out now?
Earl: You bet it is! It was YOU!
Fran: Me?
Earl: You foul temptress; weaver of spells!
Fran: [offended] What?
Earl: Don't try to cloud my mind! These boys are mere victims of the treachery of you females.
Fran: [furiously] Where's Spike?
Earl: He's right, uh...
[Earl turns around only to see Robbie come back in]
Fran: Did you let Spike just walk out of this room?
Earl: [stammers] Uh, well, I, I, I...
Fran: [goes even more furious] Did you lose control of the entire situation!
Earl: Why lose control? I'm the mighty Megalosaurus!
[Fran growls at him]
Earl: [nervously] Yes, dear...
Fran: Grr... Robbie, go to your room!
Robbie: But dad said I...
Fran: I don't care what your father said! You're grounded until further notice!
Robbie: Okay, okay, yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am!
[Robbie rushes to his room]
Robbie: [distantly] Grouch!

Fran: How much can a tutor cost, Earl?
Earl: The same amount as a 90 inch TV screen, because that's the way my life works.

Baby: [watching Baby Cuddlebunny] Not the pajamas, not the pajamas.
Grandma: It's amazing the way a phrase like that can catch on.

TV: One badge. One gun. Three horns. Triceracops!
Lieutenant: Triceracops, you're unconventional! One more stunt like that and I'll have your BADGE!
Triceracops: Have this!
[shoots Lieutenant six times]
Triceracops: Anything else, Lieutenant?
TV: Triceracops. Coming this fall on ABC.
Roy: Wow. A maverick cop who can't work within the system. I think that's unprecedented.

Charlene: Thanks a lot, Mom! I took your advice and made that solar system, and you know I really enjoyed doing it, I really felt good about myself, I thought my life was changing, and then the boys in my class ate it!
Fran: [gasps] Charlene, I'm sure the teacher appreciated your effort.
Charlene: They ate it before he saw it! Oh, it was a real solar system with planets and the sun... and the boys said I'm a female and I shouldn't stick my nose in the universe where it doesn't belong.

B.P. Richfield: I am the happiest person you'll ever meet you worthless bucket of chum.
Earl: Well that's obvious from your sunny disposition, sir.
B.P. Richfield: SHUT UP!

Roy: Well, I'm leaving, Mr. Former Pally-Boy. Never to return again. Goodbye.
[Roy leaves]
Earl: Good riddance!
[Earl leaves]

Robbie: I want to win this fair and square.
Spike: How have you managed to stay alive so long?

Mr. Pulman: Sorry to have bothered you, Charlene.
Charlene: It's okay.

Baby: Daddy!
Earl: What?
Baby: Play a game?
Earl: Okay.
Baby: Goody!
Earl: Let's play, Where's Daddy.

Man Over P.A.: Attention, Robbie Sinclair, your father is here.
Robbie: That's it, I'm gonna tell him where to get off this time.
Man Over P.A.: He looks really steamed.
Robbie: Gulp.

Earl: I confessed I was a boob on national television.
Fran: You could still win, Earl. Lot's of boobs vote and they need representation too.

Robbie: Charlene, I'm gonna bite your head off!
Charlene: Ooh, he's not a carnivore, he's a cannibal!
[laughs]

Robbie: Why are you living with the cavemen?
Thighs: When I was small like uh, Baby Gotta Love Me...
Baby: Huh?
Thighs: My parents, eh... da weak?
Caveman: Da weak!
Thighs: Dinosaur, bring me to forest for picnic, but soon, I am alone, parents no more.
Robbie: Oh, they died, huh?
Thighs: No, two career couple, no time for kid, they leave me, drive away fast!
Baby: That stinks!
Thighs: Oh no, cave people find me, raise as one of them. Live here many years, very happy, until dinosaur come! Rape and denude our land! Make cave people angry! That is why they bring YOU here.

Earl: It's quite simple. You have to be selective in order to be effective.
Fran: Oh shut up.

Baby: Robbie!
Robbie: What?
Baby: Need you now!
Robbie: Charlene's there, need her!
Baby: The monster ate her!
Robbie: Well, then I bet Mr. Monster's tired from all that chewing. Now why don't you both just go to sleep?
Baby: I'M SCAAAAARRRREEEED!
Robbie: [sighs] Charlene, can you please deal with this?
Baby: I don't think so!

Blarney: [singing with kids named Jeff and Tim] Okay here we go. I am Blarney I love you. E-I-E-I-O. And if you're nice you'll love me, too. E-I-E-I-O.
Robbie: Well, it does seem to have quiet him down a little.
Blarney: [still singing] With a love love here, and a love love there, here a love there a love, everywhere a love love.
Fran: It's interesting, he strikes a chord with children. Something about Blarney inlooses the purest feelings of warmth and affection.
Baby: [with a baby bottle on his slingshot] EAT GLASS, BLARNEY!
Blarney: [Launches the bottle at the TV] AAAAAHHHH!
Baby: [TV blows up and Fran and Robbie were shocked in surprise] DIE SUM, DIE!
Robbie: [as Baby cackles] Well, I gotta say, I'm with him.
Fran: That does it! I am fed up with your bad behavior, you are going to your room!
Baby: NO, I WANT PRESENTS!
Fran: You are going to your room, there will be no more presents.
Earl: It's present time!

Spike: You admit you're eating thornoids?
Robbie: Yeah, so what if I am? Look at the body they gave me.
Spike: Yeah and look what it's costing you. Caroline doesn't want to be with you, your family thinks you're psycho, and I've had just about enough of you touching my jacket.

Charlene: I'm carnivorous, Daddy, I'll eat anything that moves.
[opens the fridge]
Charlene: It's Charlene.
[the creatures scream]
Earl: Charlene, you are now my new son.
Charlene: Thanks, Daddy, can I have money for lipstick?

Earl: Ethyl, if I could move my arm I'd crack your head like a coconut.
Ethyl: Yeah, but you can't. And you're too stupid to realize you've got another arm.

Baby: Hi Captain Impressive! Will you autograph the trachea plug for me?
Earl: Baby, why would you want something so dangerous?
Baby: Because it's got YOUR name on it, and you're my HERO!
Earl: I WANTED to be your hero, but not to sell you things.
Baby: You got sneakers with a pump?

Baby: I said something. Was it... .Smoo?
Fran: We don't say that word.
Baby: Why?
Grandma: Because it's a bad word.
Baby: Why?
Grandma: Because it's dirty.
Baby: Why?
Grandma: Ask your mother.
Baby: Why?
Fran: Uh... .it means... .well, it means... . it means the bottom of a dinosaur's feet. And feet touch the ground and get dirty so... . it's a dirty word and nice dinosaurs don't say it.
Baby: Why?
Fran: Because it's not nice. And it certainly doesn't belong on TV.
[both chuckling]
Earl: Oh, Fran, lighten up. You think dinosaurs have so little going on in their lives, that they'd really care about one little word some guy says on TV?

Earl: What's all this fuzzy stuff? This must be a dream.
[a floating cake appears]
Earl: Ooh, this is the cake dream.
[Doorbell rings]
Earl: That'll be the centerfold girls.
[Fran is at the door]
Earl: Fran, you're not supposed to be here.
Fran: The centerfold girls aren't coming.
Earl: But this is my cake dream.
Fran: Your conscience is intruding, Earl, you know you don't deserve the cake dream.

[Charlene's tail has finally grown in]
Robbie: [laughs in disbelief] What did you do, buy the variety pack?
Charlene: [as Robbie touches her tail] You're wasting your time, Moron-a-saurus. It's real!
Earl: [aghast] 'Real'!
Robbie: [in disgust] What! Oh, no, man! Ugh, I touched my sister's tail!

Edward R. Hero: [chief elder] I decree that henceforth, this child shall be called... Uh...
Baby: I'm the Baby, gotta love me.
Edward R. Hero: Baby. Baby Sinciar. Yes. It sorta fits.
Fran: Baby? Oh what a beautiful name.
Earl: Baby? I could've done this job!

Earl: I see what you're getting at, Mr. Richfield, but no amount of money is worth taking this away from my wife. Her happiness means the world to me.
B.P. Richfield: Here's 50 bucks.
Earl: It's a small world after all.

Earl: I am the mighty Megalosaurus, the king of the dinosaurs. And when the king of the dinosaurs wants a 90-inch television set, he's going to get a 90-inch television set. So what do you have to say about that?
Fran: The Tyrannosaurus is king of the dinosaurs.
Earl: That's debatable.
Fran: No it isn't. I dated one in high school.

Earl: [about hurling Ethyl] Without this, my life means nothing.
Robbie: Well then I guess my life must mean nothing, because when your time comes, I'm not throwing you.
Earl: Why the hell not?
Robbie: Because you're my father, just because you get old doesn't mean you stop being my father.

Baby: Not the mama!
Earl: I should've seen that coming.

Earl: Look how low I've sunk. My own child refuses to hit me.
[Ethyl hits him with her cane]
Ethyl: I'll always be there for you, Fat Boy.

Robbie: Dad, I'm here with a girl. It might help if you didn't make me look like the world's biggest weenie.
Earl: Well pardon me, Mr. Dignified, I didn't mean to belittle you as you were about to hit the ball up the clown's pants.

Sarge: Hey, lady! What are you doing out here? This is a war zone.
Earl: Are those sticks?
Sarge: They ain't candy canes, missy. What do you think took this out?
[points to his missing eye]
Earl: Uh, running with scissors?
Sarge: Wrong! It was a stick with my name on it.
Earl: Wow. What are the odds?

Director: [points to Roy] I like this guy.
Earl: He isn't even a family.
Roy: I am too. I'm a family of one. We get along just fine.

[after hearing a swear word on TV]
Fran: I will not have that kind of gutter language in this house!
Baby: Smoo!
[the whole family gasp in shock]
Baby: What'd I say?

[repeated line]
Baby: Not the mama!

Officer: Mr. Sinclair, you weren't engaged in any unlicensed parenting, were you?

Baby: Smoo.
B.P. Richfield: What did he call me?
Earl: Uh... He said Lou. You see he thinks of you as his sweet Uncle Lou.
B.P. Richfield: My name is not Lou.
Earl: I know but don't you find the uncle part endearing?

Charlene: [after the coat insults Mindy] See, what Mindy and I thought is, uh, we'd kind of... share you.
Fox: No, no, no, here's what you have to understand, Char-lan: The whole point of a status symbol like myself is that you have me, and others don't.
Mindy: But we had a deal.
Fox: No one's talking to you, dear. Just stand there and wait for your clothes to come back in style.

Charlene: Ugh, Mom, I just don't see why I can't go to school today.
Fran: Because it's Saturday, dear.

Baby: What's justice?
Chief: Well, justice is a system of laws, and rules that dinosaurs have formulated to live by.
Baby: Why?
Chief: What?
Elder: He's doing it again.
[the chief elder groans furiously]

[Ethyl is happy because Earl has been challenged to a fight to the death by an animal nine times his size]
Robbie: But I like Dad.
Grandma: No, you're just used to him.

[repeated line]
Baby: I'm the baby; gotta love me!

Earl: If there's time.
Chief: Silence! Because of the vexing and unwelcome questions of this small child, the economy is ruined. The government is on the verge of collapse. And chaos reigns in the streets.
Earl: [whispers] Say you're sorry.
Baby: I'm sorry.
Earl: Well, we're outta here.
Elder: Stop! The child must pay for his crime.
Baby: Why?
Elder: Because that is justice!

Roy: Hey! We've been friends 20 years, Pally Boy, you never told me you could fly!
Earl: This is the first time's it's ever haaaaaappened!
[lands]
Earl: I swear!
Roy: Don't make it worse with a lie.
Earl: Hey let's stay focused, Roy, I was fly-i
[almost takes off again]
Earl: Whoa! Did you ever see anything like that happen before?
Roy: Well not in real life, but in comic books, spontaneous flight is fairly commonplace, for superheroes that is.
[gasp]
Roy: What if the toxic waste somehow gave you a vast arsenal of super powers? Why flying could be just the beginning.

Earl: Fran, can you bring some more pistachios in here?
Fran: We're all out, Earl.
Earl: What?
Fran: That was the last jar.
Earl: Fran, I don't ask for much from you. A clean house, three square meals a day, gardening, raising the kids, a little light plumbing, scheduled maintenance on the car. So when I ask you to keep a few pistachios on hand, I think maybe you can take a little time to get out of your bubble bath and get down to the market.

Stu: Look, the way I figure it is we have to bring the IQs down... 60 points.
Ted: Wouldn't they be too dumb to turn their sets on?
Stu: Hm, what if they can't find them?

Baby: You sure you know what you're doing?
Earl: Haven't a clue.

Roy: We should be able to figure this out.
Earl: Yeah, we've got brains the size of walnuts.

Baby: I'm a *big* boy!

[Charlene comes home feeling sad]
Earl: You are not going on any more dates!
Charlene: [sadly] Well that's fine with me.
Earl: Then we're in complete agreement.
Charlene: Yes, we are.
Earl: Why?
Charlene: [voice breaking] Well, because it was the most humiliating experience of my life.
Earl: [worried anger] What did he do to you?
Charlene: He dumped me.
Earl: [whispers to Fran] Is that what the kids are calling it now, Fran?
Charlene: He met a girl with a tail that was bigger than mine and he went off with her. I walked all the way home.
[Earl frowns in pity]

Grandma: It's the baby!
Baby: It's the Grandma.
[Earl enters]
Baby: Uh oh.
Earl: [dryly] Hello Mother Phillips.
Grandma: Hello fat boy!

Earl: I spent 200 bucks for this and my butt is falling asleep.

Charlene: 500 words exactly.
Mr. Pulman: Ms. Sinclair, I congratulate you! The world is round! This does my heart good. It's the kind of bold original thinking that teachers seldom sees in the classroom.
[the door crashes]
Officer: Charlene Sinclair, you're under arrest for heresy!
Mr. Pulman: Um... cause there's a good reason for that.

Fran: Are you all right, sweetheart?
Baby: No, I broke my monster bat.
Fran: Aww.
Baby: I'm scared again. Don't leave me.
Fran: Don't worry, sweetheart. I'm not going anywhere.

Ty: Oh Trish, I dropped my pencil again, why don't you bend over and pick it up for me?
Trish: Sure, just as soon as I call my attorney!
[picks up phone receiver]
Ty: I was kidding! Just kidding.
[Trish hangs up]
Ty: You are so tense, why don't you let me rub your neck.
[Trish lifts receiver again]
Ty: Just kidding!

Baby: Mama. Not the mama. It's my birthday?
Fran: That's right, sweetheart. You're not two anymore. You're three years old. Now blow out your birthday candles.
Baby: Yeah, yeah! Okay.
[blows out his birthday candles, and the family cheers]
Baby: I'm starving. How about some cake?
Earl: Aww. It's great to have you back, son.

The: Each time that lifestyles show comes on, business picks up like crazy.

Robbie: Hello, emergency? I want to report a dead baby dinosaur. What happened? Well, he pretended to choke on a cookie and when his big brother found out he was faking,
[hangs up phone]
Robbie: he beat the living tar out of him.

Georgie: [singing] I hug you, you hug me/it's a special day, you see/Yes, we're all special and you're my special friend/You're so special, I'll say it again.

[last lines]
Howard: And taking a look at the long range forecast, continued snow, darkness, and extreme cold. This is Howard Handupme, saying goodnight...
[pause]
Howard: ... and goodbye...

Fran: Don't worry, Robbie, your family is behind you no matter what.
Earl: I want you out of this house now.

Mr. Ashland: This is a disaster!
B.P. Richfield: But nothing a chief executive of your enormous power and authority can't handle, right, Mr. Ashland?
Mr. Ashland: Cut the butt-kissing, Richfield.
B.P. Richfield: Yes, sir.
Mr. Ashland: Do you know what I do with a butt-kisser?
B.P. Richfield: No, sir.
[Ashland gestures to an executive's mounted head on the wall; Richfield grows rigid]

Robbie: What a joke! Do they believe we'd be stupid enough to fall for this garbage?
Earl: Hard to say, son. I gotta get back to work.
[Earl leaves]
Charlene: I gotta get back to school.
[Charlene leaves]

Robbie: [Trying to think up a science project] Let's see. Sneakers. What else? A pump. Sneakers with a pump in them.
[Thinks of a tire pump trying to pump up a sneaker]
Robbie: Naw what a stupid idea.

Georgie: That's an imposter, boys and girls. He's not Georgie, I'm Georgie.
[the kids gasp]
Earl: No, kids, he's the imposter.

Earl: Junior, have we made a little deposit in the porcelain bank?

Baby: This is great!
[laughs]
Solomon: I am truly moved by your selflessness and love for this child. But too late!
[cuts the baby in half]
Fran: No!
[Aubrey's parents gasp in shock]
Baby: Again!
[laughs]
Earl: [Solomon the Great brings their half of a child] Oh!
Solomon: There.
Earl: Oh, don't look at me like that. I'm so, so sorry, little feet. I promise I'll make it up to you. I know we can't play baseball, but I can teach you soccer.
Baby: [kicks Earl Sinclair in the face] Not the mama!
[laughs]

Baby: Read me a story, Grandma Smoo.
[laughs at the word]
Grandma: Ah, you really think that's funny, don't you?
Baby: What, smoo? Smoo funny? Smoo. Smoo! Yeah, smoo funny!
[laughs again at the word]
Grandma: Call me when you clean up your act.
[Ethyl leaves]

Elder: [Reading the legacy of the 'golden child'] "And he shall be born of a noble mother, and his father shall be courageous and wise..."
[Earl starts gloating]
Elder: Give me the Wite-Out.
[Wites: ]
Elder: "Father shall be a blithering idiot."
Earl: Can he do that?

Baby: [sees a leg buffer on TV for silky smooth legs] I want that!
Fran: No you don't!
Baby: Want silky smooth legs!
Fran: You don't want smooth legs, you're a boy.
Baby: Oh... then I want a machine gun!

[Ethyl has died the second time and into the afterlife]
Louie: [echoing] Ethyl! Ethyl!
[Ethyl sees her late husband in a bubble]
Ethyl: Louie, is that really you?
Louie: Hiya, cupcake!
Ethyl: Oh, Louie it's so good to see you! Am I finally good and dead?
Louie: Not yet.
Ethyl: Oh, will you guys stop jerking my chain! I'm dead, I'm alive, I'm dead, I'm alive. If I wake up with dirt in my mouth again...
Louie: Take it easy, cupcake, they sent me here with a message: stop pushing the afterlife.
Ethyl: But Louie, it's so beautiful up here.
Louie: It's just as beautiful where you are, Ethyl. It's more beautiful, because it's life; and you only get a little bit of it. And if you don't live every day of your life to the fullest, you have an eternity to regret it.
Ethyl: But Louie, I miss you.
Louie: I miss you too, sweetheart. But it's not your time yet.
Ethyl: Will we be together, Louie?
Louie: Soon enough, cupcake, but you've got to go back now; and stop trying to make a buck off the afterlife. Dinosaurs who sell the afterlife may not ever see the afterlife. They may end up someplace not so nice. Look what's waiting for you.
[Louie shows Ethyl a door titled 'Place Not So Nice', as it opens, five replicas of Earl Sinclair are in the family room]
Earl: [five, in unison] Hi, Ethyl! Come on in!
Ethyl: [screams] *No*!

Fran: Earl, it's a school night, the children have homework to do.
Earl: Why?
Fran: Because if all they do is watch TV, they'll never amount to anything.
Earl: [sarcastically] Oh, you're right, Fran, I do nothing but watch TV and *I* don't have a great job. Oh wait, I dooooo!
[singsong]
Earl: I have a great job, I have a great job!

Baby: Tell me a story or no one sleeps!
Earl: Okay.
[sighs]

Charlene: [after the war is over] I heard that somebody got killed.
Robbie: Yeah, it was some new guy... but you know we could've won!
Earl: Robbie, what're you saying?
Robbie: Well, I'm saying it's terrible that guy got killed and all, but you know we had those four-leggers on the run, we could've won it.
Earl: A boy died, don't you see the fighting didn't solve anything?
Fran: Come on, Robbie, let's get you out of that uniform, you have school tomorrow.
Robbie: Forget school, a bunch of the guys were talking about keeping the army together if they came back, they'll set up a base at the swamp so we'll be ready for them next time. They're working on a WHOLE NEW line of weapons, yeah!
Earl: Stop it! You're not a soldier, you're a kid,
[pulls Robbie into a close hug]
Earl: You're gonna go to school, you're gonna take girlfriends to dances, you're gonna drive me crazy like you always have, until it's time for you to grow up.
Robbie: Dad?
Earl: It's allright son, it's over... you're home.

Earl: Oh, Charlene.
Charlene: I can't believe this. Monica was right. There is an old boys' network.
Earl: Uh, no, there isn't.
Charlene: I just saw it.
Earl: Okay, there is.
Charlene: That stinks, Daddy.
Earl: Oh, sweetie, honey, cupcake.
[Charlene slaps Earl's hand]
Earl: Ow! Look, it's a male's world out there. I don't like it any more than you do, but, hey, what you gonna do?
Charlene: There's no reason a female can't do the same work a male can.

Earl: Please don't make me bite off my own head. I was practicing in the lobby and it just wasn't happening.

Fran: [after showing Baby the video entitled "Solo Wilderness Ritual"] So, did you understand the tape?
Baby: Yeah, gimme a cookie!
Fran: But we are all out of cookies.
Baby: Go to the store!
Fran: NO, and that is why you need to be left out in the woods so you can learn that the world does NOT revolve around *you*!
Baby: Mama's not going to the store?
Fran: Nope.
Baby: Ah, I understand...
[slight pause]
Baby: Daddy, go to the store!

Robbie: Dad, this was supposed to be a big fun day and Mom's trying to kill it for all of us. Who's the boss around here?
Earl: Yeah. Fran?
Fran: [yelling] What?
Earl: She is.

Earl: Fran, that mug as you call it has made us happier than we've ever been. If you weren't so angry you'd see that.

Earl: I have three kids, and I love them.
Robbie: Hey, Dad.
Earl: Shut up, I'm talking.

Larry: Last night the TV was off, and for the first time ever I spent two solid hours playing with my kid.
Neighbor No. 3: Yeah, my children and I spent the whole year evening taking to each other.
Larry: It was a nightmare.
Neighbor No. 3: I can't live this way.
Larry: No!
Neighbor No. 3: It's the network's fault!

Charlene: [about dinner] Doesn't look done to me.
Earl: It's done, it's damn done.
[creature in pot takes the cooking fork]
Creature: Here you go, hey, next time you might want to turn the stove on. Uh, just a suggestion.

General H. Norman Conquest: You! Where do you think you're going? This is a war zone.
Earl: But my son...
General H. Norman Conquest: And you brought a ray of sunshine to it, little lady. I just want to say thank you.
Earl: Oh, if there was only more that I could give. Well, if you'll excuse me...
General H. Norman Conquest: No need to run off. We're just getting to know each other.
Earl: Uh, I'm not the kind of girl you think I am. Really.
General H. Norman Conquest: You know, there's a lot of things a male of my position can offer a hard-working girl like you.
Earl: Uh, believe me, I already have a lot of the same things you do.
General H. Norman Conquest: For starters, perhaps you'd be interested in some silk stockings or chocolates?
Earl: No, General. Please. I don't... Chocolates?

Baby: Gimme dessert! I want a million cookies now!

Ted: [after Earl's quality TV makes dinosaurs so smart they stop watching TV] The public's gotten too smart.
Stu: [groaning] Doh, they're all reading books!
Ted: They don't need us anymore! There must be a way to make them dumb again!
Stu: We could drug them, something in the water supply.
Ted: We don't have the budget for that.
Stu: Fine, we'll just hit everyone in the head with a brick!
Earl: You guys are evil! I put on the dumb shows because I liked them, then I put the smart shows on to save the world. You guys have an opportunity to speak to millions and millions of dinosaurs. But you don't care WHAT you put on the air, all you care about is ratings!

Baby: I wanna go to school.
Charlene: Why?
Baby: So I can stay home.
Charlene: You are home.
Baby: Then I got my way.

Earl: You ever come here again I'll feed you to my family!
Roy: Yeah? Then I won't!
Earl: Good!
Roy: Fine!
Earl: Fine!
Roy: Good!
Robbie: [reading from the book of dinosaurs] Only by howling do we defeat the dark spirit which will turn dinosaur... against dinosaur... oh!

Pearl: I'm your Aunt Pearl.
[Robbie and Charlene show no recognition]
Pearl: Your dad's sister. He DID tell you about me, didn't he?
Charlene: Aunt Pearl... Aunt Pearl... oh! When did you get out of prison?
Pearl: He told you I was in jail?
Charlene: Well he said you were either dead or in prison so...
Pearl: Oh that daddy of yours has got some sense of humor.
Charlene: Not really.

Baby: Brother! Sister! I'm all alone!
Baby: [He turns to the audience, his eyes widen] Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Baby: I wanna go to the afterlife. So much better than the now life.

Insurance: Mr. Sinclair, I would appraise the damages here at about...
Earl: Don't try and cheat me on this, 'cause I know you insurance guys. You have absolutely no ethics.
Insurance: Well how much would you say your television set was worth?
Earl: Ten thousand dollars. Good thing I popped for that extra meteor coverage, huh?

Robbie: So, where's Charlene?
Baby: I told you. Monster pulled her under the bed!
Robbie: [groans] Oh, look. I'm gonna show you once and for all that there is no monster under the bed! What?
[sees a scary hole]
Robbie: Just this big scary hole leading into a cavernous netherworld.
Baby: Charlene's down there. We gotta save her!
[the monster roars]
Robbie: [cries out] Well, look, uh, just because you saw Charlene get sucked into that hole, don't necessarily mean that she's down there.
Charlene: Robbie! Help! Help me, Robbie! Can you hear me?
Robbie: Bummer.

Fran: You had quite an adventure, didn't you?
Baby: I did, Mama.

Charlene: [while wearing a prosthetic tail] Isn't it just the most lovely night outside?

Earl: You stay away from my son you pea pusher.
Robbie: Dad, so what if they eat a few peas? They're proud of who they are. You know, I have a dream that someday a dinosaur will be judged, not by the contents of his lunchbox, but the quality of his character.

Earl: [as new shows with foul language show on TV] TV has become the cesspool of vulgarity.

Fran: Now I want to make it clear right from the start that I am not advocating that you youngsters engage in the mating dance. Personally I believe the mating dance is most appropriate within the confines of a loving, monogamous relationship, preferably marriage. Of course marriage is a few years away for you and right now it's very frustrating, as I'm well aware.

Fran: [as Robbie is about to be burned as a heretic, worried] Earl, hurry up!
Earl: [looks through the book, panics] It doesn't say! I guess this book doesn't have all the answers!
[the mob gasps offensively turning to Earl]
Chief: [incredulously furious] What did you say?
Earl: Uh-oh...
[next scene shows Earl as a heretic next to Robbie]
Robbie: Hail to the potato, dad?
Earl: [defeated] Point taken.

Robbie: [looking at old pictures] Is this me?
Grandma: Yeah, that's you on your Grandpa Louie's back, hitting him on the head with a pot.

Robbie: Can I have a moment's peace? I was at work all day.
Fran: Robbie, you are the supreme male. These are your responsibilities now. If you can't handle them, maybe you should turn them over to someone with more maturity.
Earl: [wearing goofy glasses] Whoa, Fran, I can see your underwear.

Earl: [presenting the toy car wrapped in paper] Son, this present is only for good little boys. You can have it, if you promise to be good.
Baby: [Faking Innocence] I'll be good... I promise.
[a golden halo appears on top of baby's head and a twinkle happens in his eye]
Fran: It's not right, Earl, bribing a child to behave!
Earl: ...and if it works?
Fran: It's a short sighted, stop gap, quick fix solution...
Earl: You don't have to sell me on it.
[Fran grunts irritably]
Earl: Here, son, look! A car!
Baby: [excited] A car! Oh, boy!
Earl: [giggles] Come on.
[grabs the Baby and puts him in the kiddie car]
Robbie: Gee Dad, you never bribed me with anything neat like that.
Earl: You were never rotten enough to deserve it.

Robbie: You think you're funny, don't you?
Baby: I'm a scream!
[laughs]

Police: Call my mom, tell her to tape this.
Decker: 10-4.

Robbie: [watching a holiday themed paint commercial on TV] Using Refrigerator Day to sell paint kind of cheapens the holiday, doesn't it?
Charlene: Oh who's to say? That's one of those big confusing moral issues.

Earl: Robbie, ask me another one.
Robbie: Dad, you haven't gotten one right yet.
Earl: I'm finding my rhythm. Go ahead, ask me. Ask me.
Robbie: Okay, okay, what can fish do under water that dinosaurs can't?
Earl: Sing.
Robbie: Wrong. Breathe.
Earl: We can't breathe under water? That stinks.

Fran: The great judge.
Robbie: Yeah. He could settle this once and for all.
Gus: He's the wisest dinosaur of them all.
Aubrey: Capital idea.
Baby: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Narrator: Pangea's watching ABC, The Antediluvian Broadcasting Company.
Narrator: Coming this Fall on ABC.
Narrator: He's a Big City Dinosaur detective, who leaves through time to adopt seven interracial children. She's a Ghost, with seven interracial ghost children of her own. Now they're all moving to the country to become district attorneys. And watch the sparks fly when mother moves in. It's all "Way Too Complicated!",
Narrator: Wednesdays at 8:00.

Fran: Earl Sneed, Sinclair if you touch one scale on that boy's head, I'll disconnect your premium cable channels.
Earl: You'd make me watch basic?

Fran: [to Earl] You were in the tree and
[looks]
Fran: oh my - the tree!
[the storm has torn down the tree WeSaySo was to blow up]
Ethyl: [narrating the end of the story] There is a time when each of us shall return to the Earth, this was the tree's time, but it was nature that decided, nature, and not the dinosaur.

Robbie: [as Baby tries to eat a cookie] I'm in charge, and I'm telling you, put the cookie down!

Earl: Why am I so selfish? Why?
Robbie: I see something, hand me the binoculars.
Earl: No, they're mine.

Earl: You're Him. You're the guy on the cans of devilled ham.
The: Not any more, I'm suing those guys for copyright infringement.

TV: And now back to "Totally Ineffectual Dad".
Mother: [kid runs by on fire] Honey, I think something's wrong with Jimmy. He seems to be on fire. Shouldn't we talk to him?
Totally: I don't know, honey. What if I say the wrong thing?

Earl: This is the happiest moment of my life. No wait, this is. No wait, this is.

Earl: [about the baby's drawing] That's just a shapeless green blob.
Baby: I call it Daddy!
[Earl glares at him]
Fran: We're going to put this picture of Daddy up on the refrigerator.
Baby: Okay!

Fran: Earl, do you have to spend every spare second reading that manual? It's just a car.
Earl: Frannie, you are such a female. First of all, it's a brand new car, and as such, it is a reflection of who I am.
Fran: It is a bulky, bottom-of-the-line fuel guzzler with no pick-up, no options, and it's completely owned by the bank.
Earl: Love you, too.

B.P. Richfield: Well, it's only fair that all sides of this issue are fully explored. Please take up to a minute.

Earl: [having been awarded the key to the city] Alotta good this does me. There's no door to this city.

Earl: [studying his parent's manual while Baby chants gibberish] Do you mind? I'm trying to study!

[Charlene finishes her 'tail' discussion to Fran]
Fran: Where are you going?
Charlene: [lowly] The roof.

Baby: [in the house] It's not my bath time. What's going on?
Fran: We'll just see if we can't wash those dirty words out of your mouth with a little soap.
Baby: [mumbling] I don't like this.
[Fran Sinclair takes the soap out of Baby Sinclair's mouth]
Fran: Now. Any dirty words left in there?
[Baby Sinclair blows a bubble]
Baby: [bubble pops] Smoo!
[laughs]
Robbie: Good work, Mom. I'm sure we've all learned a valuable lesson.
[Baby Sinclair hiccups]
Baby: [bubble pops] Smoo!
Fran: Oh!
[Baby Sinclair chuckles and door opens]
Fran: [Earl Sinclair groans] Hi, honey. Are you all right?
[Earl Sinclair grumbles]
Robbie: Hey, Dad, some jerk put a sign on your back.
Earl: It was Mr. Richfield. And I think you kids called him enough names for one day.
Robbie: You're home now. Don't you think you can take it off?
Earl: I would, but it's covering an unsightly wound.
[Earl Sinclair groans]
Robbie: Oh.

Robbie: Mommy, tell him to be supreme male again.
Earl: Can't make me.
Fran: Alright, that's enough from both of you.
[to Earl]
Fran: He can't handle the household, and it's time you started acting like an adult again.
Earl: Don't wanna!
Fran: We're going right down to the Office of Male Supremecy and get you reinstated as head of the house.
Earl: [childishly] Why should I?

Earl: Hey, kids. Is it off? Did they take it off yet?
TV: The Smoo Show, now on seven nights a week.
[Earl Sinclair moans]
Robbie: Nice day's work, Dad.
Charlene: Yeah.
Earl: Thanks, Mr. Negative. I'll have you know we were out planting the seeds of change. You just wait. Those seeds are gonna bear fruit.
TV: Then, from the producers of The Smoo Show, it's The Flark Show followed by Kiss My Glick.
Robbie: Who can say, Dad? It's probably just a coincidence.
Charlene: Yeah, you got them on the run. A couple more protest raillies, they'll make it into a mini-series.
Earl: Ha, ha, ha. You have anything to say?
Baby: Flark, bad. Glick, bad.
Earl: There, see? My message got through.
Baby: Smoo? That's funny!
[laughs]
Earl: Oh, this is so discouraging. TV has become the cesspool of vulgarity.
Fran: Then why don't you just turn it off?
Earl: Because, I shouldn't have to turn off my TV set, ever! I worked my whole life, I raised my family. I wanna be able to park them in front of the TV, and I know they're gonna watch good, clean, time-consuming, energy-sapping entertainment. So by the time I get home, they can barley wave hello.
Fran: Well, obviously, the TV network dosen't care how you feel.
Earl: Then I'm gonna have to go over their heads.
[Earl Sinclair leaves]

[Seeing Fran on TV]
Roy: Maybe it's her sister.
Sid: Her sister wouldn't have the same name.
Roy: I dunno, my brother Roy says it happens more often than you think.

Fran: Thank you so much for coming.
Earl: You want to hear some background on the case?
Babysitter: That is of no use to me. The child is two years old?
Earl: Yes.
Babysitter: May heaven have mercy upon this house. Follow me. Hmm. Yes. Yes.

Earl: Who do you love?
Baby: Mama.
Earl: Who do you love second best?
Baby: Mama.
Earl: Alright, let's try this again. Who is talking to you right now?
Baby: Not the mama!

Baby: I want to watch TV.
Fran: No TV until after you play with your educational game.
Baby: [grumbles] Educational game stinks!

Baby: [about a picture he drew] Where're you gonna put it?
Fran: Gee, I don't know, the refrigerator's all full.
Baby: Oh...buy another refrigerator, problem solved, back to work.

Charlene: I'm sorry about your friend, the lettuce?
General: He was no lettuce! He was a cabbage. We shall not soon see his like again.

Baby: [alone in the dark] Mr. Squash, is that you? Better come out, or, or I'll bite you. Mr. Squash?
[sees movement under his bed]
Baby: MAMA!

Thighs: Please, forgive me, many eggs hatch since I last speak to another of my kind.
Robbie: You're a dinosaur!
Thighs: Yes. I am called Wahachi Muchacha, it means Thighs of Thunder. They ask me speak with you now, how are you called?
Robbie: I'm Robbie Sinclair, Robbie.
Baby: I'm the Baby, uh, gotta love me?
Thighs: Cute.

Roy: I'll see myself out, former pally-boy.

Robbie: Dad, after you throw grandma into the tar pit, is there life after that?
Earl: For me there is.

Fran: It's right here in the newspaper. Georgie's making a personal appearance at the mall today.
Earl: What?
Baby: What?
Earl: [looks at the newspaper] Let me see that.
Baby: [singing] Wanna see Georgie, Wanna see Georgie, Wanna see Georgie!

Earl: No more pesky thoughts in this little head.

Hank: Yeah. So what do you say, Mr. S? Worth the money?
Earl: Oh, every last dollar.
Hank: Uh-huh.
Earl: Which, by the way, you took.

Baby: Let me tell you about your job. You got a bottle! You got a baby! Juice stinks! You're fired!

Robbie: We could get the fridge back.
Charlene: [sarcastically] Oh right, Rob, let's just go to the store and swipe it, I'll take my extra large purse.

Earl: Surely we can talk about this. After all, this is kind of a coincidence.
Officer: A coincidence? How?
Earl: Well, that ticket has my name on it, and I do believe this crisp one dollar bill has your name on it. Wouldn't you call that a coincidence?
Officer: No, I would call that a cheap attempt at bribery.
Earl: What if it was a five? What? Oh, come on, you're not giving me another ticket.
Officer: Section 9, Paragraph 4, setting a bad moral example for a child.

Fran: Maybe I've learned something today. Good parenting does come from here.
[points to heart]
Fran: But when you need a little help, you can find it here.
[points to parenting manual]
Earl: So you're saying it's not black or white, it's a little bit of both? Gee, now there's something you don't see on TV.

Robbie: I don't want your money.
Charlene: I do.
B.P. Richfield: Smart girl. You must be very proud of your daughter.
Earl: Oh yes, my daughter, very proud, all mine. My son, who knows? I was in babylon.

Glenda: He spit up all over the carpet!
Earl: What toddler hasn't?
Glenda: After eating a cat!
[door opens]
Aubrey: Ew.

Robbie: Did you ever get the feeling we're being watched... by secret cameras hidden in the walls?
[Points in different directions]
Robbie: Like over there, or there, or there! Maybe other creatures are watching us from another universe.

Earl: [Richfield picks up a large rock] Oh my gosh, look out, a rock!
B.P. Richfield: Not just any rock you bonehead, this is a Peacekeeper 3000. I'm not talking about poked eyes, one of these babies can bust a head wide open.
Earl: You sell those to the enemy? But my son is out there, he may even be killed!
B.P. Richfield: I didn't know that, I also don't care!

Edward R. Hero: What an appalling display. The voters of our nation must choose between a monstrous, bloodthirsty psychopath...
[Mr. Richfield]
Edward R. Hero: And a self-confessed brain-dead.
[Earl]
Edward R. Hero: Be sure you vote tomorrow.

B.P. Richfield: I oughta tear off your head and play hacky sack.

Lucius: [Ethyl has fallen unconscious] Uh... Ethyl? Ethyl, you're on.
[Turns to the camera]
Lucius: Uh, well, looks like Ethyl has taken a quick trip to check on our contractor in the Great Beyond. You gotta keep an eye on those guys all the time. Well, we'll be right back.
[studio lights go off]
Lucius: [whispers] Are we off yet?
Cameraman: Yep.
Lucius: Ugh! Ethyl? Ethyl! The old bag's dead again.

Earl: [after Baby hits him repeatedly with a pot while saying "Not the Mama"] You do that one more time, and I'm gonna throw you across the room!

Bartender: TV's a powerful medium. I don't feel right in questioning it. You want another drink?
Earl: No, it might make me depressed.
Roy: [on TV with Fran and the kids] Hi, we're the Wesayso family. We love each other and we love you, too.
[They all blow a kiss]
Earl: Line'em up.
Bartender: You got it.

Mr. Pullman: Aw, Spike, what project have you done for our science fair?
Spike: I don't do projects.
Mr. Pullman: You have to do a project.
Spike: ...Okey dokey.
[Punches his fist through a TV set and roots around]
Spike: Well, what do we have here? Looky, looky.
[Removes a circuit board with attached wires]
Spike: I call this "What's inside a TV."
Mr. Pullman: Um... Very nice. Very... realistic.

Fran: You stop talking! You're talking too loud! If you wake that baby I'll rip your face off!
Earl: Well nobody wants that.

Fran: Robbie, you like this girl but you're breaking up with her because of what people are saying about her, now does that make sense? When I met your father all of my friends said he had no ambition, would never amount to anything and would stay a tree pusher all his life, now were they right?
[looks at Earl]
Fran: Maybe that's not the best example... why didn't I listen to them?

Robbie: The competition looks pretty tough, why did you see Billy Melman's project where you clap and a lamp turns on? I mean THAT'S genius. How am I going to compete with that?
Spike: Oh, well you know Billy, he uses substandard material. You know, the kind that tend to shatter when broken over his head. Yo, Billy, let me see that lamp!

Ethyl: [wrapping up If You Were a Tree] Good story, eh?
Baby: Stupid!
Ethyl: Why do you say that?
Baby: The tree pusher, he didn't learn anything, stupid!
Ethyl: But did YOU learn something?
Baby: [realization] ... Yeah.

Howard: [In Robbie's thoughts] And, on this unexpected holiday from school, thousands of very cool guys and totally hot babes spent the day frollicking in the ash. Having what many describe as "the MOST FUN EVER."
Robbie: Alright, that's it. I'm going outside.
Fran: [In Robbie's thoughts] I want you to stay in your room, finish that assignment, and have no fun for the rest of your life.
Robbie: Isn't she terrific? My mother, ladies and gentlemen?
Earl: [In Robbie's thoughts] How about a hand for the guy paying these heating bills?
Fran: Earl, get out of Robbie's thoughts and pay those bills.
Earl: Yes, dear. Sheesh.

[Earl had just gone into the kitchen to say hi to Ethyl]
Roy: How did it go?
Earl: It was one of the most pleasant conversations we've ever had. She wasn't rude. She wasn't obnoxious. She didn't hit me... Oh my God, she's dead.

Baby: [hits his daddy with a frying pan] Not la mere! Not la mere!

Baby: [after drinking a bottle of juice] I'm gonna blow up, I'm gonna blow up, WHOA I'm gonna blow, CLEEEAR!
[lets out a small burp]
Fran: Aw...
[Baby laughs and then lets out a burp that shakes the house]

Edward R. Hero: Well dress me up and call me Sally. I'm the new elder. Hmm, maybe the system does work after all.

Baby: [On TV] This pan is pretty good.

Charlene: [arrives] Hi. Sorry I'm late.
Fran: Charlene. I didn't know you were out.
Charlene: Yeah, all day. Wow, dinner looks great. Shame. Too bad I already ate.
[grabs a chicken drumstick]
Charlene: Bye. La, la.
[Charlene leaves]
Fran: [Earl groans] I swear this family is falling apart. We might as well just be strangers who live in the same house. Dinner used to be the one hour when we all got together to share the events of the day.
Earl: Not true, Fran. It never took us a whole hour to eat dinner.
[Fran groans]
Fran: Well, at least you're here to have dinner with Mommy, aren't you?
Baby: Already ate.
Fran: You already ate? What did you eat?
Baby: You aren't gonna like it.

[as Francois and Baby argue]
Fran: You know, Earl, I'm actually learning a lot about the cultural differences between us and Francois's species. We may be different on the outside, but underneath it all...
[goes to a furious tone]
Fran: ...I really want to kill them! I wanna kill every single one of them!
Earl: Fran, this is the side of you I've never seen before! I wanna take it hunting.
[snickers deviously]

Grandma: [after Earl, Robbie, Roy and Baby leave for their wilderness weekend] Are they gone? Yes.
Fran: Yes.
Grandma: All right, I'm taking off my girdle.
[strains, and rips while Fran looks on in horror]

Earl: [as Baby begins to take off his diaper] I'm warning you! I may not be a licensed parent, but I'm still the adult here. And I'm telling!

Earl: [the Baby's reaching for the remote] Don't you touch that remote.
[Baby grabs it]
Earl: Don't you pick it up.
[Baby picks it up]
Earl: You turn off that television, and you're gonna be one sorry little dinosaur.
Baby: [turns off TV and pops up] I'm sorry.
Earl: Give that back.
Baby: Story.
Earl: No story.
Baby: Story.
Earl: No story.
Baby: Story.
Earl: No story, gimme that back.
[Baby hits Earl with the remote]
Earl: Once upon a time, dinosaurs didn't have families. They lived in the woods, and ate their children, and it was a golden age.

Baby: Okay, Georgie. Can I have my hug now?
Earl: [as Georgie] Oh, sure, special little guy.
[chuckles as Georgie]
Earl: Assuming my head doesn't fall off.
Charlene: Yay.
[Earl kisses Baby Sinclair as Georgie]
Robbie: Aw, isn't that special?
Baby: Yay!

Fran: Think about what we *do* have: a house, and a loving family. If you think about it my way, we're blessed.
Earl: If you think about it my way, you'd go to the garage to hang yourself.

Solomon: Then, in my divine wisdom, there is only one equitable solution. To divide the child in two.
[thunderclap]
Baby: Huh?
Fran: Earl, we can't let him do this!
Solomon: Silence! Do not question the wisdom of Solomon The Great. My powers are beyond the comprehension of mere mortals. And now I shall perform the miracle of divine justice with the help of my assistant Ramona!
[Ramona appears and Baby's parents and Aubrey's parents exclaim]
Earl: Oh!
Gus: Hey! Yes! Good!
[Baby Sinclair exclaims]
Gus: Hey, nice, nice!
Solomon: Ha!
Earl: Nice box.
[applause]
Solomon: Mr. Sinclair, if you would, bring me the pink baby.
Earl: Oh, yeah.
[Baby Sinclair laughs and Earl Sinclair brings Solomon The Great the pink baby]
Solomon: Now, place the child completely in the box, head there, feet here.
Earl: Head there, feet there. Oh! Oh! Watch your nose.
Solomon: Now, Mr. Sinclair, we've never met before. Is that correct, sir?
Earl: Yes, that is correct, sir.
Solomon: And no money has changed hands between us?
Earl: None whatsoever.
Solomon: Well, then how do I have your wallet? Ha-ha!
Earl: Whoa! Hey! That's wonderful!
Baby: Yay! Yay!
Solomon: Mr. Sinclair, as you can see, this is an ordinary box.
Baby: Careful! Careful!
Solomon: There are no hidden panels. No secret compartments. Just a simple, wooden box.
Earl: Yes, it looks okay to me.
Solomon: You may step back now. Thank you. Now, how about a hand for Mr. Sinclair?
Earl: Oh, thank you, thank you.
[applause]
Solomon: And thank you.

Baby: [straining] Gotta go.
Earl: No, no.
Elder: And from his mouth shall ring out only the purest truth.
Baby: Gotta go.
Earl: Junior, hold it in.
Elder: Behold the king of the dinosaurs. Behold his brow is knit with wisdom.
Earl: Hey, are you guys serious?
Elder: Behold! He is about to speak!
Baby: I made a big poop.

Robbie: [Baby breaks the wooden train set that Robbie spent a year making] Um... I guess that clear varnish doesn't protect like it's supposed to.

Fran: Earl, all they were doing is listening to a little music.
Pearl: Yeah.
Earl: Tonight! But next they'll want to join a band and live on the road like gypsies. Traveling from town to town, always staying one step ahead of the law. Meeting colorful rogues and scallywags and getting into all kinds of scrapes.
Robbie: Gee, I was thinking about college but this sounds better.
Charlene: Would any of those scallywags be like, cute boys?
[Fran and Pearl laugh]
Earl: See what you've done? You've corrupted them!
Pearl: Oh why don't you hush up?

Monster: Ah, you want to negotiate?
Robbie: Yeah.
Monster: Fine, I'll negotiate. I'll negotiate after I eat you!
[all crying]
Monster: Mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Robbie: Well, at least we have a dialogue going. Ha.

Baby: You're a big smoo!
[all gasp in shock]
Fran: Well, we'll just be going.
B.P. Richfield: No, no, no. A big what?
Earl: A big shoe. Yeah, yeah. Shoes are his favourite... uh, foot covering. It's the ultimate compliment, really.
Baby: Not shoe, smoo! A big, fat smooey smoo!
[laughs and B.P. Richfield groans and strains]
Earl: Not much you can do with that one.
Fran: I'm so sorry, Mr. Richfield. It's something he heard on television last night.

Fran: Earl, this is Ray Gherkin.
Ray: Howdy-do!
Earl: I like him.
Charlene: Dad!
Ray: It's nice to meet you, Mr. Sinclair. Hope you don't mind, but I parked my truck on your lawn so's I can keep an eye on it. Don't want nobody stealing my new gun rack.
Earl: Smart.
Ray: Hey, Smokey!
[Ray clicks his tounge]
Charlene: Hi, Ray. Uh, what's that under your arm?
Ray: I didn't want to show up at the in-laws empty-handed. Brewski?
Earl: [chuckling] You read my mind.
Ray: All right! I bet I can guzzle faster than you.
Earl: You're on!
Ray: Okay, here we go!
[both gulping rapidly]
Fran: Pretty dreamy, huh, Mom?
Ray: I'm Champion.
Earl: Wow! Doesn't that hurt?
Ray: Can ain't got no feelin'. Right, Earl?
Fran: What a clever insight, but I believe, now, my husband Earl has some questions he'd like to ask you.
Charlene: Yes! Yes, yes, yes!
Earl: Questions? Oh, yeah, right. Um...
Ray: Uh-huh.
Earl: Could you teach me that thing with the beer can?
[Charlene groans]
Fran: Earl!
Ray: That ain't no big thing.
Earl: Hmm?
Fran: Here, Ray. Why don't you sit down?
Ray: Oh, okay.
Charlene: [whispers] No, Mom!
Earl: So, Ray. Charlene tells me you're a custodian.
Ray: Yeah, but I'm doing it for the money, which ain't all that good. But I can swipe all the disinfectant I want.
[Ray chuckles]
Ray: Well, anyhoo, I'm taking night school so I can make something of myself.
Fran: Oh, really? Night school.
Charlene: Please.
Ray: Yep, Some say it's a dream, but someday...... I'm gonna be a tree pusher.
[both gasp]
Charlene: You wanna be a tree pusher?
Ray: Yeah. Reach for the stars. That's what Daddy said. Never said nothin' else. That's when we had to keep him in that little room under the stairs.
[Ray chuckles]

Robbie: [about Blarney] He's terrible, Mom. I can't imagine a worse role model for a child.
Earl: [from other room] Ouch! Darn it. I hate you, you stupid toy!

Howard: [reading a report] No! No! Dear God in Heaven, say it isn't so! Please, no!
[realizes he's on camera]
Howard: It's nothing, now here's Dwayne with sports.
Fran: [to Earl] What was it? It was something bad, wasn't it? Why won't they tell us what's going on?

Earl: Tomorrow, you quit.
Fran: I am not qutting.
Earl: Yes you are.
Fran: No I'm not.
Earl: I've made my decision and I am the husband. Need I say more?
Fran: [on TV] Husbands can be so pigheaded.
Earl: Maybe I needed to say more.

Charlene: Oh, Officer Bettleheim?
Officer: What?
Charlene: Did I mention Robbie scratched the car when he rammed into your motorcycle?
Robbie: *You're dead*!
Officer: My... my *what*!

Earl: [Fran is giving Earl the silent treatment because he mistakenly buried her mother alive; Earl reads from the apology card he bought] What can I say? I've ruined your day, and made you all angry and surly. How could I make such a thoughtless mistake? And bury your mother too early.
Earl: [Fran continues to ignore him] Aw come on, Fran! They wouldn't make these cards if it didn't happen all the time!

Fran: [the guys are watching a movie about a killer squash monster] I don't want Baby staying up watching these scary movies, he'll have nightmares.
Baby: I'm not scared of vegetables!

Fran: Oh Earl, don't go.
Earl: Frannie, I've gotta go. If I don't, I'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not for the rest of the week, but probably by the end of the month. Do you have a calendar?
Fran: In or out, Earl. You're letting in the bugs.

B.P. Richfield: The Wesayso company reminds you that we are not liable for loss of limb, loss of eye, or dismemberment of any kind due to you running around holding your kids' feet in the air like a bunch of morons.

Baby: Whoa, I'm naked. Who's the mama? Where's the mama?

Fran: [They are driving to the doctor's office] How about a cupcake?
Baby: Ooh, cupcake.
Earl: [driving] You're giving a kid a cupcake in a new car? What are you thinking about?
Fran: Him. He gets a little nervous whenever I take him to the pediatrician so I'm trying to make the whole experience a little more positive. It's called parenting, Earl.
Earl: Oh, please. I've been parenting for 15 years, nobody has to tell me how to be a good dad.
[to Baby]
Earl: You get one crumb on that seat, and you're crawling home, buster.