Top 600 Quotes From Major Crimes

Dr. Alan Redmond: Rehearsal?
Andy: Yeah, we're getting married tomorrow.
Dr. Alan Redmond: Congratulations. That's terrific.
Andy: Well, it will be if it happens.

Rusty: So I've been thinking over, um, being a team player, and if this really is a team, then shouldn't I know more about the people playing on it?
Andy: You asking a question about us?
Rusty: Yes. Why is that such a huge surprise? It's not like I'm an egomaniac. I am interested in other people.
Louie: Mmm, 'kay. All right. What are you interested in?
Rusty: Well, you know, like, why did you become a police officer?
Louie: 'Cause I'm scared of fire. I'd rather be shot at than stand on the roof of a burning building surrounded by flames. Plus, I enjoy telling people what to do. It's fulfilling.
Rusty: And, uh, what about you, Lieutenant Flynn?
Louie: Oh, God. The short version, please.
Andy: When I was a kid, my older brother and I, we, um, "borrowed" a motorcycle that belonged to my cousin and took it for a joyride, and this cop, Officer Nichols, he caught us and brought us downtown, showed us the jail, and said, "This is where you're headed." Now, my brother, he didn't think too much of Officer Nichols, but me, I decided, better putting people in jail than going there myself. Right?
Rusty: So, you were almost a criminal.
Louie: Ah, here we are.

Cristian: I got me two new phones. Well... only one with me. The other one is showing up where I planted it. Over there with you guys. Gotta love these phone-tracking apps. Good luck finding it.

Andy: So, who is this friend you're spending, uh, Christmas with?
Louie: At this rate?... You.

Sharon: [regarding her suitcase] I guess the one good thing is I don't have much to put in it... Oh, oh, do you have my prescription? I'll just... toss it here with my clothes.
Rusty: I couldn't fill your prescription.
Sharon: What?
[pause]
Sharon: Why?
Rusty: Because it's a forgery, Mom, and it wasn't given to you here.
Sharon: A forgery? It's not a forgery. Look...
Rusty: No one at this rehab would give you this drug, and you involved me in a crime by trying to get me to fill it for you.
Sharon: A crime? Oh, my God. I don't know what you're talking about. Do I seem high to you right now, Rusty?... Listen. I apologized to you, okay? And I meant every word of it, and I've tried very hard to keep from making things worse of you but, as you said the other day, you were not the easiest kid. And knowing what you were... Hm? Even when you were little, I knew what you were, and that has never been easy for me... facing that...
Rusty: Facing what?
Sharon: Oh, are you pretending that you're not gay? Because I know that you are, and, pssh, I can overlook it, you know, but can't you just overlook some of my problems? At least I'm trying to be normal. I don't get that hit off of you.
Rusty: Are you saying that you let your boyfriend beat me up, and you dumped me off at the zoo and drove away and got high for three years because you knew I was gay?
Sharon: *Dump* you at the zoo. I didn't "dump" you at the zoo. Gary wouldn't let me come back and get you, and then they put you in a foster home...
Rusty: Where I was knocked around, Mom.
Sharon: Yeah, and then you chose to go on the street and do those things... for money!... with guys!
Rusty: And where do you think I learned how to do that, Mom?
Sharon: Or...
[sighs]
Sharon: I'm not blaming you, Rusty, okay? And I'm assuming you did the best that you could and that you can't help yourself.
Rusty: I think I should go.
Sharon: What? No! Come on! Can you just show me some of the forgiveness that I am showing you?

Scott: I should've known all along that Shampagne would talk.
Captain: Well, it is what she's paid to do.

Louie: Not a good day to be the king.

Judge: The deal which Mr. Goss agreed to, includes revealing those targeted for murder, along with the workings of the larger criminal enterprise?
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Yes, it does.
Judge: Mr. Goss, given the issue of public safety, I will accept this plea. You are hereby remanded into state custody. Uh, now, DDA Rios, will I be seeing the driver of the car, this Cory Stark, in my courtroom as well?
Lt. Mike Tao: No, Your Honor, we regret to inform the court that Cory Stark was shot to death before we could take him into custody.
Jason: Wait, what?
Detective: Mr. Stark was murdered yesterday afternoon. The FBI is holding several suspects. As part of their ongoing investigation, we've agreed to let them sort it out.
Jason: You people lied to me.
Peter: All right. Take it easy.
Jason: What do you mean take it...? You lied to me!

Michael: Anyway, I'm giving you fair warning: I am representing Robyn. You need to get some serious help - not just a lawyer but a psychiatrist - and I would get that all in order before Robyn's arraignment.
Chris: You're choosing her over me? I'm your brother. I'm your brother.
Michael: That's something I can't fix. Goodbye, Chris.

Louie: [to Rusty] Hope you're proud of yourself. Really classy accusing her of wanting to get rid of you.

Sharon: Sergeant Staples, it's good to see you.
Sgt. Staples: Captain.
Sharon: Although I wish it were under different circumstances.
Sgt. Staples: Thank you for turning over the crime scene.
Louie: Well, there's never been a rule she didn't follow.

Mike: Colleen was flirting with Chip, too?
Andy: On camera in front of her husband. I mean, besides the interviews they do with the contestants, that was the best part of the show. One minute, this black widow is making eyes with Reggie, and the next, she's winking at Chip.

Russell: Hey, how do I look?
Ann: With your mouth open or closed?
Russell: Glad to see you're in a better mood, McGinnis.

Lt. Andy Flynn: Hey, Captain. Sorry to bother you. I was just wondering... My daughter's wedding is... well, it's in three hours, actually, and, uh...
Captain: You decided to go.
Lt. Andy Flynn: Yeah - even though most of the people there hate me. Yeah, I, uh... I think it's... I think it's the right decision.
Captain: Could you use a buffer? Lieutenant Provenza has volunteered to take Rusty out for burgers, and, um, I like weddings.
Lt. Andy Flynn: Really? You're sure? Oh, uh, well... Well, how would I introduce you?
Captain: How about as your friend Sharon?
Lt. Andy Flynn: So... so it's not like a date or anything?
Captain: Of course not, Lieutenant. I'm a married woman.
Lt. Andy Flynn: Oh, well, thank you, Captain, I-I mean, Sharon. Uh, I owe you one.

Carl: What are you talking about? Intimate?
Jon: I'm talking about me and Zelda. In 1990? Oh, she was smokin' hot back then. Long story short, we spent a night in the hot tub and a morning in bed; and, unfortunately, that made her mine for life.
D.D.A. Andrea Hobbs: [in the monitor room] He's doing really, really well, isn't he?
Louie: Good Lord.

D.D.A. Emma Rios: I'm not talking about this murder. I am talking about the trial of Phillip Stroh and how you sent my material witness for a Psych evaluation without my permission. Do you not realize this is all discoverable, that the defense will now be able to accuse Rusty of mental instability?

Louie: We didn't record anything in the good old days and still made our cases.
Buzz: But now that the dinosaurs are extinct...
Louie: Can't you just fire him?

Mike: Are her butt implants giving her more buoyancy?
Andy: It's funny. You would have thought her breasts would have kept her afloat.
[Video continues indistinctly]
Andy: Uh, because, well, implants are firmer... I've heard. I mean, well, they're supposed to be firmer. I mean, but who knows? I mean...
Sharon: Indeed, who knows?

D.D.A. Emma Rios: All I meant to say was performing a psych evaluation of a witness becomes an issue at trial, and we should be making decisions like that together.
Sharon: Legally, I have all the rights and responsibilities of a mother and I do not need to ask your permission to seek medical attention for my son.

Lt. Louie Provenza: The Internet is more dangerous than guns.

Buzz: Feel free to help me, Lieutenant, since you're just standing there.

Andy: And besides, Heather said I should buy now before the interest rates go up again.
Louie: Heather? Who the hell is Heather?
Buzz: Come Home with Heather?
Louie: More like Shack Up with Heather to me.
Andy: Yeah, well, she's a local real estate expert.
Louie: Yeah. Looks like she's been in countless homes.

Sharon: This story's going to make the Church very, very angry.
Julio: What'll they do? Un-christen us?
Leo: I'm not Catholic.
Sharon: I am.

Julio: "I'm sorry"... won't cut it.

Julio: [Opens up his suit jacket to see that he's been shot] Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

Sharon: Uh, Lieutenant, as you all know, I'm having a Christmas party tomorrow night and... Are you, are you coming, by the way?
Louie: No, no, I'll be out of town. I'm going down to Laguna Beach with a... uh, a-a-a friend, and-and it's a spur-of-the-moment-thing.
Sharon: Well, then, time is of the essence for all of us, so why don't we divide and conquer?

Rusty: It's bad, isn't it, that she, um... she didn't check into rehab on her own?
Sharon: Rusty, how she got there is not as important as what she does with it.

Mike: Uh, I hate to sound politically correct about this...
Lt. Louie Provenza: HERE we go!
Mike: ...but can we call Geoff Klein "Scammy" instead of Techie? Naming him Techie is derogatory to those of us...
Lt. Louie Provenza: You can call him Guilty if you can find him and put a golf club in his hand.

Cynthia: Just finishing up, Captain, and from what I can tell, Rusty is in good hands here, and DCFS is very grateful to you.
Rusty: No, you are very happy to lock me up until I testify in your stupid murder trial, which is why nobody is bothering to look for my mom.
Cynthia: Rusty...
Rusty: You know, the first chance I get, I'm going to leave and find her myself.
Sharon: Would you rather I spend my time looking for your mother or you?

Andy: Okay, it's room temperature. Here you go. Ain't that much better than those jingling keys?
Sharon: Andy, I had no idea you were so good with babies.
Andy: Yeah, well, I'm full of surprises.
Louie: Well, you're full of something.

Rusty: Morning.
Sharon: Morning. You headed to work?
Rusty: Well, if getting a lot of people coffee and telling other people to be quiet when the camera is running is an actual job, then, yes, I am going to work. Part of the Hollywood glamour machine.

Andy: Do you have any suicidal tendencies?
Mark: When I think I coulda ended up like you.

Brandon: Can I just sleep here for one night?
Captain: Why do you wanna do that, Brandon?
Brandon: I'm so tired. I'm... I'm tired. You know, Carlo and me were gonna be friends. That was a big goal of mine, especially after I got cut from the show.
Captain: Brandon, Carlo is right here, and he would really love to meet you. And he is standing by. Look.
Brandon: Hi, Carlo.
Captain: If you wanna come out and meet him in person, all you have to do, Brandon, all you have to do is put your gun down and come slowly out onto the porch with your arms raised.
Brandon: Oh, I don't have a gun. I don't even like guns.
Captain: Oh, well that's... that's good. Brandon, what's going on? Hello? Brandon?
Brandon: Tell Carlo I'm sorry I broke his chair, okay? I have a funny temper sometimes. I'm just passionate about what I want, I guess.
[starts laughing]
Brandon: But you know what? You have to be passionate to be famous in Hollywood, right?
Captain: Yes, that is right. And if you really wanna meet Carlo, Brandon, all you gotta do... is come on out.
Brandon: Tell Carlo... I expect we'll end up in the same place. Goodbye.
Captain: No, Brandon, don't hang up! No! No!
[gunshot]

Sharon: We are past the apology stage of our relationship with Mr. Dunn, and we have moved on to the "please don't let me drive over to his house and shoot him in the head" phase.

Jason: Call the police! Somebody call the police.
Andy: We're here, you idiot!

Louie: Please, God, tell me you have a murder.

Louie: Father, forgive us our trespasses, and step aside.

Judge: Mr. Gray, what do you and your clients have to say?
Larry: Oh. Larry Murdoch. Excuse me, your honor. I'm a retired teamster, and I, uh, I cut the brake lines on the bastard's car. Just a little backup plan. No harm done.
Pauline: I'm Pauline Allen, and I would like to confess that I greased the very top step on which Ed untimely slipped. And I helped with the brownies.
Clayton: Me, too. Clayton Carter. I shopped for the almond milk and the peanut oil. And putting the Frangelica in the icing was entirely my idea. A flourish.
Vera: Vera Walker. I made the brownies, and I put them out by the nachos for our weekly taco night. And no one else was hurt by them at all. And I have two more batches in the freezer; so, if you'd like to try one yourself... No? Okay.
Howard: I'm Howard Gray, and, uh...
Howard: [clears throat] Ed helped himself to our buffet without asking and walked off with two brownies. We waited while he went upstairs to eat, and then after he choked to death on his own rudeness and his cries for help kind of petered out, uh, I propped him up in one of those kitchen chairs and turned on the gas and called 911. And we're very sorry, your honor, and we promise never to let someone kill themselves again.
Judge: I see. Well, uh, taking into account the 378 collective years the five of you have spent on the planet with no priors, and the fact that not a single one of you can actually be charged with murder, I accept the plea of manslaughter and agree in principle to two years of house arrest for each of the five defendants, followed by nine years of probation.

Lt. Andy Flynn: Okay, so tell me, if your tracking device was so damn fantastic, how did you not know what was happening to this girl, huh?
Scott: I think Briana was drugged before she got into the car. Her heart rate and respiration slowed. We thought she had just fallen asleep on the way to an appointment. She did that sometimes. Then, abruptly, there was a spike in her pulse and blood pressure, probably as she struggled. And...
Detective: And what?
Scott: Her vital signs went off-line. Look, give me Jason Goss and I promise you, I'll make sure he pays for what he did here. I promise.
Detective: Just like you promised Briana?

Dr. Morales: [seeing Sykes, Rios and Raydor turn towards him in unison with arms folded] What is this? Charlie's Angels?

Louie: If you're seeking a shortcut to Hell, my son, you've come to the right place.

Anne: Why is that important?
Captain: Because the dirt on the blade of this shovel matches the dirt in your daughter's grave.
Lt. Louie Provenza: And the dirt on these shoes of yours, it also matches the dirt from your daughter's grave.
Anne: That's probably because the house - that I told you about? - it backs right up to the park. And I'm not a geologist or whatever, but I bet that's why the dirt is the same.
Captain: You know, that's a really good explanation, Mrs. Brand. Now could you also explain how you know that your daughter was buried in the park? Because we never told you that.
Anne: You-you said, uh... You...
Lt. Louie Provenza: Mrs. Brand, we have arrived at that point in our relationship that the lying has to end.
Anne: I am a good mother. I'm a good mother. I'm a good mother... and I want a lawyer.
Lt. Louie Provenza: You'll need one.
Captain: Because as of this moment, you are under arrest for murder in the first degree.

Mike: Now, while we can't confirm Marcella was poisoned without a tissue sample, this is interesting. Marcella's medical records show she'd been suffered from an acute promyelocytic leukemia, a cancer of the white blood cells.
Louie: Nod. Can we audit this course?
Mike: One of the treatments for APL is arsenic trioxide, which she'd taken intravenously.
Andy: You know, if the killer knew that Marcella was on an arsenic-based drug, maybe he or she thought that by adding more poison to her diet it wouldn't've shown up at the autopsy.

Howard: They all looked like you. My ex-wives, not the bags.

Lt. Mike Tao: Okay, on "Action," Scarface will come out onto the balcony. Ready... Set... and action!
Lt. Louie Provenza: Well, Vera, who do you see?
Vera: Oh, it's that little Mexican fella.
Pauline: Vera, you said the wrong thing.
Vera: Oh...
Lt. Louie Provenza: Yes, you did, Vera. It's not "Mexican." It's "Latino."... Latino... My God, these glasses.
Lt. Mike Tao: Cut!... Check the gate!
Lt. Andy Flynn: Ladies and gentlemen, you are all under arrest for murder one.

Louie: Oh, and congratulations, Sykes. You've ruined a perfectly good suicide.

Anne: Does that make me a bad mother?
Lt. Louie Provenza: No, but to me this shovel brings your parenting skills into serious question.

Mark: Hey, hey, hey. It's the whole gang. Louie Provenza, look at you! Sitting at your old desk, all mummified. Andy. Steal cheating on your girlfriends? How many you juggling now? You got both hands full? Julio. Oh, well. And I really dig the new girl. Yeah, boy, oh, she's miss quota hire. You got to look like America, folks. And Mike. Hey, buddy. Sold out any other cops lately?

[a body has been fished from a golf course pond wearing cinder blocks]
Lt. Louie Provenza: Talk about playing with a handicap.

Sharon: This is not a negotiation, Lieutenant Cooper. I want to hear what's going on; otherwise, this undercover operation will be suspended and we will go back to a much more visible security detail.
Lt. Chuck Cooper: You do that and the killer will definitely notice. We're real close to catching him.
Sharon: We're too close, Lieutenant, too close. This young man is not just bait. He is... He is my responsibility.

[last lines]
Louie: Well, we're getting warmer.

Rusty: Lieutenant. If you are going to be around my life more often, then that promise you just made to Gus had better be real and not just something you said to make a witness cooperate.
Andy: Oh? Well, finding Paloma might not be everything Gus hopes for. But I intend to do it. Just don't hold me responsible for the outcome.

Ann: But look how well Stroh planned his escape. You really think we're gonna catch him getting on a plane or the subway?
Sharon: Stroh is a manhunt, Chief. Burning Man is a rescue. We still have a young woman's life to save.
Gloria: Captain Raydor is right.
Ann: You all remember my shadow. Deputy City Attorney Lim, here to sort out our response. Am I wrong, or did you just agree with the captain?
Gloria: I did. The L.A.P.D. is not responsible for the judge's murder or for Stroh's escape, which happened when he was in custody at the county. Stroh is a problem for the Sheriff's office, not us, and every resource that we shift from Burning Man to Stroh increases the city's liability...
Fritz: Next person that Stroh kills isn't gonna care about our liability.
Gloria: I'm just trying to help you prioritize your investigation.
Russell: But how do we pursue Burning Man? We don't even know who he is?
Sharon: But we do have a clue.
[points the Stroh's message]
Russell: "Find Jesus of Nazareth." You can't think that means anything.
Amy: It has to, Chief. Why else stop in the middle of his escape to write something on the wall?
Russell: And Stroh is really helping us because...?
Amy: The second we find out he's not, all our focus goes back to him.
Sharon: And that is the deal Stroh really wanted to make, his chance to escape in exchange for Burning Man, and that is the deal we have gotta take here.

Jamey: Because only two things that can be done in a situation like this.
Sharon: A hostage negotiation or a rescue.
Gloria: Hostage negotiation, with SWAT.
Ann: Is that based on your vast professional experience? Because I think this is definitely a rescue operation.
Russell: Uh, while we're evacuating building, why don't we run those options by a behavioral science professional?
Dr. Joe Bowman: Oh.
[pause]
Dr. Joe Bowman: I, I came to help the children afterward. If you're gonna profile an adult offender, maybe someone else...
Jamey: That's okay, Dr. Joe. Just listen to the two options and then give Miss Lim here your best bet as to which one we should pursue. Commander?
Ann: Do we try and negotiate with this murderer or do we rescue the hostages by taking him by surprise?
Dr. Joe Bowman: Well, clinically, that's an impossible question to answer, but the suspect had several years in prison to plan what he'd do after release, so we have to believe that murdering his parents and kidnapping his children and wife are all constituent parts of that plan. Also, he found someone willing to help him, which suggests he's persuasive, organized and determined. I have to say, so far, he seems to have done everything he wanted to do, so... I'm worried by the absence of an exit strategy.
Ann: That's okay, doctor. As it turns out, I am a specialist in exit strategies.
Louie: I say get your snipers ready, Commander.
Gloria: Snipers? Snipers endanger the children's lives.
Sharon: We will only be firing non-lethal Arwen rounds through the window to distract him.
Gloria: Firing them from where? The top floor of your suspect's building is the highest point available.
Ann: No. It isn't.

Sharon: If only we knew someone who Kleiner would never suspect of being part of a police operation, someone who had every right to be at Ms. Brewster's house, someone who could inform Kleiner about a bargain about to drop into his lap.

Andy: Where is Phillip Stroh?
Markos: Phillip? He's not in jail?
Louie: At the moment, no.
Markos: I haven't seen Phillip since I was twenty. Of course, he would call from time to time to congratulate me and encourage my great work, the work of gods. I am a god. You know that, right? I am Mars come to life.
Louie: Obviously. But even gods can be betrayed. Stroh betrayed you. He helped us. Stroh is how we caught you.
Andy: And if you could tell us where Stroh is right now, and if you have any idea what he's up to, we could make things easier for you.
Markos: I'm sorry. Phillip was nothing more than an advisor, really. I can only assume he did what he told me to do.
Andy: And what was that?
Markos: To prepare for my escape long before I needed one.
Markos: [voiceover] To have plenty of cash hidden somewhere safe, another identity, weapons. Oh, and most important... never leave a witness. Never, ever leave a witness.

Rusty: She only wants one.
Jackson: Who only eats one pancake?
Rusty: Uh, your wife.

Mike: Perhaps grief drove him back to bad habits. Or guilt.
Andy: Addicts don't need a reason to use, only an excuse.

Dr. Morales: Now, if someone here wants to cut open a five-year-old girl, see how it makes you feel, be my guest.

Rusty: So, since you're the only one I can tell, and you're... law enforcement... adjacent, I... I thought you might tell me where I stand.
Dr. Joe Bowman: Well, first I have an issue with your premise. I'm NOT the only person you can tell about the messages. Your mother is readily available...
Rusty: No, no, no, no. She's been busy with a bunch of gang killings for days now, and her job is very different from mine. The justice system needs to prosecute a killer. I need to identify a victim. I don't want Alice to finish up her life on Earth as a nameless, invisible person on the street. I have to be her voice.

Rusty: And I've already spent a lot of time, like, blending in with crowds and staying alert. Isn't that what undercover is all about?
Amy: You're not going undercover. You're gonna be in plain sight all the time.
[Rusty gets into the car]
Amy: But that's only if you can demonstrate your training, and you're not doing that.
Rusty: [laughs] What? You're-you're criticizing me already. Amy, I-I just got in the car.
Amy: Without checking the backseat of your vehicle for an assailant, which you've been told a thousand times to do.
Rusty: Oh, my God. I have been in the car for like two seconds.
Amy: If you screw up the drive tomorrow - and not checking the backseat first is screwing up the drive - this whole operation to draw out the person writing you threatening letters will be called off, and if you don't want that to happen, you need to spend the rest of the day doing exactly what I tell you.

Mike: She may have had the charm of a car alarm, but she was pretty hard to ignore.

D.D.A. Andrea Hobbs: [Watching the interview in Interrogation 1 of "Jonny" Worth] The lighting in that room is so horrible, yet...
Sharon: I know. He looks great, doesn't he?

Captain: Excuse me, Javier. Sorry to keep you waiting.
Jackson: Javier, don't answer her questions. You cannot interrogate my client without violating his Miranda rights!
Captain: Detective, if Jack interrupts me again, would you please have him removed?
Jackson: What?
Detective: Javier, you cannot say anything because the charges against you have changed. We're no longer holding you for parole violations. We're arresting you as a suspect in the murder of Melissa Orr.
Captain: To avoid ethical conflicts, you need to know that I'm the officer in charge of this investigation, and your attorney is my husband, and I would think very seriously about having an attorney who's related by marriage...
Jackson: What? Sharon.
Javier: You're fired! I mean it! You're fired! Get out!
Jackson: Javier, you are making a big mistake.
Javier: I trusted you.
Jackson: I... You can trust me. I have your best interest at heart!
Javier: Just leave! Get out, man. You're fired! Leave!
Jackson: Please.
Javier: Leave me alone.
Jackson: You...
Javier: Get out!
Jackson: Please.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Now he has no attorney at all. How do we talk to him?
Lt. Mike Tao: Give us a moment. There's a ritual involved with suspects like this, and we need to follow it.

Lt. Mike Tao: Meanwhile, if there're some phone calls you'd like to make?
Shampagne: My phone, finally. Maybe I can cancel some of these people before they think I stood them up.
[phone vibrates]
Shampagne: What did you do? It isn't working. It won't take my password. You people broke my phone!
Lt. Mike Tao: Let me see if I can fix it. It's made in China.

Andy: Um, you know, if you can't make it home for the holidays, maybe home can come to you.

Andy: Hey, Julio, did you make sure there's nothing in there directly related to, uh, Slider's trial?
Julio: No, sir. I'm a complete idiot.

Detective: Just one more thing to do.
Lewis: I didn't murder her.
Detective: No, you murdered her family. You made it your mission to make this kid feel like a monster, but YOU'RE the monster. Do you know what we do to monsters, Lewis?
Lewis: [flippantly] Kill 'em with a pitchfork?
Detective: That would be great, but, as it is, we can only lock 'em up in jail, which is where you're going until you turn eighteen.
Lewis: What the hell are you talking about? I didn't do anything to this freak.
Detective: Not true. These pictures prove that you committed sexual battery, which is good enough to put you away in juvie.
Lewis: What? You can't... you can't... You can't do that.
Detective: I can. And, hey, have a miserable life.

Lt. Louie Provenza: If he was such a famous film director, how come I've never heard of him?
Buzz: He makes talkies, sir.

D.D.A. Emma Rios: If you're so much closer in your walk with God, why did you tell the detectives who arrested you this morning that you were on Orchard Street looking for doughnuts?
Jackson: Uh, uh, don't answer that question. That question is not on the list you gave me.
Captain: You're telling us that we can't ask a question about doughnuts.
Jackson: Yes, I'm telling you that.
Captain: Oh, all right, Jack, but Javier can't use his faith to avoid answering our questions.
Jackson: Ah, ah, ah. There are no questions about faith on the list you gave me. Let's, um, try to keep it professional here, okay?

Rusty: Ah, well, County Jail at Christmas, about as fun as it sounds.

Mike: Lieutenant, nice hat.
Louie: Well, I... was gonna wear the whole suit, but Patrice wouldn't let me.
Patrice: I was afraid he might get shot.

Sharon: You made a plan to go to college, and you're sticking to that plan. And it's the bigger plan, really. And keeping the bigger plan in mind when things don't go exactly the way you want... that's what real stability means, Rusty.
Rusty: You're just glad you got your way again, and that, somehow or other, I always end up doing exactly what you want.
Sharon: Oh, well, yes. Ha, ha. That, too.

Jackson: Thank you. Uh, Sharon, um... since I am cooperating and the kids are coming home for the holidays next week, I thought it might be nice if you asked Emily to bunk with me.
Captain: If you would like to speak with Emily, call her yourself.

Russell: Mr. Cross walked.
DDA: Oh, no. No, no, no. He didn't walk. He danced.
Sharon: What do you mean?
DDA: When the judge dismissed the charges against him - with prejudice, by the way - Lucas Cross jumped up out of his seat and he danced around the courtroom, and then that son of a bitch sent roses to my victim, like he's her freaking valentine.

Lt. Louie Provenza: Come on, what gives?
Lt. Andy Flynn: All right, look, four weeks back, I fainted.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Fainted? Why?
Lt. Andy Flynn: I was at my ex-wife's house, sharing my reasonable opinions about all the money Nicole's wedding is costing.
Lt. Louie Provenza: [Stammers] I-I didn't know your daughter was getting married. Well, congrats.
Lt. Andy Flynn: Yeah, thanks.
Lt. Andy Flynn: All right, anyway, one minute, I'm arguing with my ex-wife, and the next minute, I wake up in an ambulance with some guy asking me who the president is. Oh, and by the way, unless you want the full work-up, don't say Jimmy Carter.

Billy: Hey. Anyone in front of me?
Rusty: Nope. Have a seat. I'm Rusty.
Billy: Bill. Nice to meet you.
[clears throat]
Billy: Mind if we have a little music?
Rusty: Uh-uh.
Billy: Helps me focus, especially when I'm playing in the top tier over here.

Rusty: You're a good lawyer, right?
Jackson: I'm a great lawyer, yeah.
Rusty: Okay, great. You are a great lawyer, and you had a fantastic wife and two amazing kids. You know, lots of people might say you already won the jackpot.
[pause]
Rusty: And you just didn't realize it.
Jackson: Yeah, I do know what I've lost.

Gloria: Doesn't Linda Lanier have a cell phone? Why don't we just call her and ask her where she is and the name of her fiancé.
Mike: Her phone is off the grid.
Gloria: Are you treating the mother as a suspect? Because we were told you were checking out sex offenders...
Sharon: I have to take exception to the way we're being interrupted here.
Russell: Gloria...
Ann: Allow me, Captain, Chief. I-I deal with all the city-attorney bullshit on a daily basis now. Gloria, is it? Listen. There was no forced entry at our victims' house, both of whom were shot in the head at close range. And though we can't rule out sex offenders, it sill means the Laniers were likely murdered by someone they knew. And if it was not an execution, it was probably a domestic dispute, making the mother and her unidentified fiancé suspects. And when children get abducted, the L.A.P.D. is not legally required to notify parents.
Gloria: The law may not demand it, but it's still actionable. And mothers do not need to abduct their own kids, which, if you had children yourself, you'd understand.
Ann: I'm sorry, what did you just say?
Gloria: That the reason you're against contacting Linda Lanier is that you don't have children yourself.
Sharon: Anymore.
Gloria: What?
Sharon: Commander McGinnis doesn't have children anymore.
Gloria: Um, I don't understand.
Russell: The commander's daughter and husband were killed in a car accident four years ago.
Gloria: I, um... I thought, I-I was told...
[pause]
Gloria: I'm so sorry.

Louie: And the only reason that you are riding along with us is to see if you can be a team player and follow directions, and so far, Mr. Beck, you are doing a crappy job.
Rusty: Let's have it.
Louie: Stay in the hall.
Rusty: [to Buzz after Provenza exits] Geez. Why is he being so rude?
Buzz: Not following orders is worse than being rude. If you want the captain to sign papers approving your participation in an SIS operation, you better do what the lieutenant says.
Rusty: Bu... but just standing here is boring.
Buzz: You expect us all to be fascinated with your life, but you never take the smallest interest in other people.
Rusty: I do so take an interest in other people. I do that all the time.
Buzz: All the time? Really?
Rusty: Yeah.
Buzz: So tell me, why did Lieutenant Provenza become a detective? What was Mike Tao going to do before he started working Homicides? The reason you can't answer those questions is because you never ask people about themselves - ever. Not even how they're doing in the morning.
Rusty: Well, I don't have to ask how you're doing because you're, like, obviously in a really bad mood.
Buzz: No. I'm disappointed... again.

Jon: My problem is... I try to be nice to everybody, especially in hot tubs.

D.D.A. Andrea Hobbs: Oh, when this is over, and she throws the bouquet, I am closing my eyes.
Emily: Toss it my way. I'm ready.
Amy: [laughs] She's not going to throw a bouquet.
Patrice: Oh, the hell she won't. This wedding is going to be conducted by the book. You just watch. Go on.

Melanie: Oh, God. How many times did we go over the plan? There was never supposed to be a gun. That was completely unnecessary. If they had just done what I told them...
Sharon: That why you strangled Lydia, because she disobeyed you?
Melanie: Lydia had a complete meltdown. She wanted to turn us both in. She fought with me, and I fought her back, but not... not just for me. You understand this: What I did to Lydia, I did that for my son, and what I did for my son, I did that for the world.
Roland: [pause] You said life.
Louie: Life. It's good for the world too.

Rusty: Uh, but we went to Delancy's afterwards, and I'm not sure how the subject came up exactly, but it turns out that Jeff thought I would be nuts to skip college this semester.
Sharon: Did he?
Rusty: Yeah. And he brought up another point that was... kind of obvious, which is, if you really like people... you don't have to stop being friends with them just because you're going to college.
Sharon: You know, I think you're right about this Jeff. He does seem insightful.

Captain: I am not surprised. And considering the fingerprint report and the vast amount of evidence that you have uncovered at her residence, I think it's fortunate that her husband's brother is an attorney. Could you put him on the phone? Our schoolteacher's going to need someone to talk to in confidence and right away.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Wait a minute. You're helping our murder suspect lawyer up?
Captain: Yes.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Are you sure she's in the right place to deal?
Captain: Oh, she is in the perfect place, Emma; and, if I'm right, we're getting the perfect lawyer to help her tell us the truth. Trust me. She'll make a deal.

Russell: Do we have any idea who her mystery date might be?
Louie: No, but she's about to tell us.

Andy: Mike, you have an apartment number for our victim?
Rusty: I think it's that one.
Louie: And how do you know that, Detective Beck?
Rusty: Because that's where Brenda's husband is standing.

Lt. Andy Flynn: Look, I got a physical coming up.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Well, that's not an exam that you have to study for.

Jackson: So... how bad is it?
Rusty: Well, you showed up drunk, you're supposed to be sober; you offered Sharon money you won gambling, you said you weren't doing that anymore; you broke into your ex-wife's house using a key that you should've returned when the divorce was final... Oh, and you passed out on her sofa.
Jackson: I came over with good intentions.
Rusty: Didn't come off that way, really.

Lt. Andy Flynn: Listen, doc, do you know anything about blood pressure meds? I mean, you know, how safe they are, stuff like that?
Dr. Jason Field: Well, no medication is completely safe. For high blood pressure, I usually recommend diet, exercise and...
Lt. Louie Provenza: He's done all that crap.

Julio: Anything wrong, señor?
Louie: Other than watching everything I care about being taken from me as I shuffle towards the grave, and having my breakfast interrupted by another murder? Not much.

Russell: So out dead gangbanger and possibly two other convicts were murdered by the same guy who's been writing letters for Phillip Stroh?
Louie: Well, if it's NOT the same guy, it's from the Guinness Book of Coincidences.

Judge: This is textbook murder-for-hire. The defendant shows zero remorse, which is worse considering the girl's age, and now you're asking...
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Your Honor, the defendant...
Judge: Don't interrupt me, Rios! You come in here asking for manslaughter and eleven years, reducible to seven? With good behavior? What the hell? What the hell?
Captain: Your Honor, we believe that Jason Goss is part of a larger criminal enterprise and we may...
Judge: You believe. And do you have evidence to support that belief?
D.D.A. Emma Rios: We aren't taking him at his word, Your Honor.
Captain: If he doesn't provide us with the promised information, of course his deal goes away.
Judge: And then does that 19-year-old girl return to life? Why isn't Goss facing the death penalty?
Lt. Mike Tao: Despite having DNA that links the defendant to the crime, we may not have the material evidence to secure a murder conviction with special circumstances...
Judge: So, I'm supposed to accept this plea because you guys haven't done your job? No way. You want manslaughter, you come back with answers to all my questions. And don't even think about shopping for another judge, or you'll find out what I'm like when I'm really mad.

Sharon: That is not a good surprise.
Fritz: The alternative would've been Winnie Davis. Just come with me, Captain... if I can still call you that for the next minute or so.

Louie: Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please! As everyone knows, I have seen my share of divorce papers... .
Mike: It's true! He has!
Louie: ...but I have NEVER seen a filing this thin. There's just something not right.

Sharon: See, Andy? That was easy.
Andy: Yeah. It's the next hurdle that has me worried right now.
Sharon: Uh, don't worry. He'll come around. I hope.

Fritz: If it is Stroh and he is armed, we shoot to kill. Agreed?
Rusty: Yes, yes. Agree.
Russell: Well, he can't get away with a rifle. Surround the mall. And do not let this asshole escape from us again.
Gloria: Shooting only if necessary.
Ann: That's up to Stroh, not me.

Louie: I say we draw straws. Short one gets to shoot him.
Andy: It's not worth wasting a bullet.
Julio: I'll donate one.

Rusty: Oh, I-I am... I am so willing. Just let me know what you need me to do and I will... I will do it.
Captain: Undergoing evaluation by a therapist.
[pause]
Rusty: What is it with you and the mental-health industry?
Captain: I need to be sure that you can handle the stress.
Rusty: Handle the stress? What do you think I'm doing now? "Handle the stress." Are you kidding me?
Captain: Okay, Rusty. This evaluation is a non-negotiable stipulation and it is for the city as well.
[long tense pause]
Rusty: Okay. Fine. Fine. I will be evaluatied by a stupid therapist, but can I make a... what, what do you call it? A stipulation of my own?
Captain: And that would be...?
Rusty: I will be evaluated IF... it is by someone who understands my most important issue right now. And... and someone who is willing to deal with that issue.
Captain: So you would like a therapist who's... who's willing t... t... talk... you... a therapist who's willing to...
Rusty: My God, Sharon, how hard can it be to say? What is the one thing about me that everyone around here knows? I want a therapist who can play chess, Sharon - and really good chess, too. Not just, like, chess from the '80s.

Buzz: What the... hey!
Julio: Oh, sorry. Heads up.
Buzz: Heads up is supposed to come before you throw something. And you missed the mark again.
Julio: I didn't know you were standing there, Buzz.

Dr. Morales: Notice all the minorities clumping together. We feel safer in crowds.

Dr. Fernando Morales: You okay, Lieutenant?
Andy: Uh, yeah, pretty much. Not ready to make an appointment with you, anyway.

Mike: WAIT! One second! The girl on the gurney, she was at the club the same night Kate Sherman was abducted.
Louie: What?
Ann: You know, she doesn't look much like the other girls who went missing.
Mike: Or like she was on a liquid diet.

Dr. Fernando Morales: Uh, who's Craig Curtis?
Andy: Who's Craig Curtis?
Louie: Former Heisman Trophy winner, first round draft pick.
Dr. Fernando Morales: Oh. Well, it's not like he was nominated for an Oscar.

Dr. Joe Bowman: [playing chess with Rusty] Just to make it interesting, why don't we say every time I take a piece off the board, I get to find out a little something about you?
Rusty: Okay, fine.
[immediately pawn takes pawn]
Rusty: Uh... Oh, come on. Did you just take that pawn so you could ask me a question?
Dr. Joe Bowman: I always play to win, even with 12-year-olds - and a deal's a deal.
Rusty: Yeah. Yeah, especially around here. All right, all right. What kind of... way-too-personal question are you gonna ask?
Dr. Joe Bowman: Mmm... How's your day going?

Mike: What kind of deal do you offer a kid like this?
Louie: Hopefully one that fits on his tombstone.

Shampagne: Oh, no. Is he okay?
Lt. Andy Flynn: Oh, he's about thirty seconds from being charged with murder, but other than that, yeah, he's great.
Shampagne: Will you give him my best? Oh, and tell him that I've got the "free moustache rides" sweatshirt that he left in my car.
Lt. Louie Provenza: You know what? I've got a better idea. Why don't you come with us and you can tell him yourself?

[last lines]
Sharon: I talked with the district attorney involved, and I've arranged a plea agreement for you.
Sharon: Thank God. Am I going back to rehab?
Sharon: No, no. I'm afraid that ship has sailed; however, in exchange for overlooking your probation violation, we have arranged for you to serve the full year of your shoplifting charge here at county, or more precisely, 364 days, every one of which you will have to be sober.
Sharon: That's not a deal.
Sharon: Oh, it is... If you don't remain sober, or if you violate the statutes of prisoner conduct, I'll personally see to it that the six-year tail on your sentence is carried out to the letter in an upstate prison.
Sharon: Are you kidding me? Because I don't deserve this kind of treatment at all.
Sharon: Oh, I agree. Unfortunately, anything more I could do to you would require a trial, but I will make sure that you are drug tested on a random basis. I will have your cell searched regularly.
Sharon: Anything else?
Sharon: I will have confidential informants report to me on your behavior, and - this I promise you - one slip, one tiny step off the straight and narrow, to the left or the right, and you will automatically add six years to your sentence.
Sharon: Wha...? Why are...? You are mad at me for some reason. I get it. I don't know why.
Sharon: That's the problem.
Sharon: [pause] What about for Rusty's sake? You know, what about for the sake of my little boy?
Sharon: This is for Rusty's sake. It is.
Sharon: You think you know me? Is that it? And you think you know my son? And you think you can just have me boxed up and out of the way? Lady, let me tell you something. You just made a really big mistake.
Sharon: I made a mistake?
Sharon: Yes, you did.
Sharon: Oh, dear. Allow me to point out you're the one wearing the blue jumpsuit surrounded by guards and I'm getting up to go home.
Sharon: Okay. No. But...
[yells]

[as Marisol speaks, Sharon can't help hearing the words reflect on her own situation with Rusty as he walks by in the background at the exact same moment]
Marisol: Working with teenagers who've been sexually abused... it's complicated, and... the slightest mistake can drive them back out onto the street where most of them die. Derek was murdered trying to save this girl's life.

Andy: How do I look?
Louie: Better than usual.

Rusty: So, uh, Julio? May I ask you a personal question? How did you decide to join the police?
Julio: Uh, when I was tirteen, a couple of gangsters murdered my cat Osa. I decided to keep track of her killers so one day I could arrest them.
Rusty: For killing your cat?
Julio: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Um, eventually, I got them for attempted murder and rape. You know, by then, they were third strikers, so I put them away for the rest of their lives. It felt good.

Kenny: White people made this country the most powerful on Earth. You expect us to just give that up without bloodshed?
Julio: As long as it's your blood, buddy.

[last lines]
Craig: Sharon, Rusty, the adoption process is now complete. As of this moment, you are officially and legally a family. Congratulations and thanks for asking me to do the honors.
[all clap their hands, chatter and laugh]
Buzz: Congratulations.
Rusty: Thanks. Thanks, Buzz. Thank you. Thank you.

Mrs. Riley: What happened? What did you do?
Dr. Carl Riley: It was all starting again! There was going to be more girls, more accusations and more victims! I found him on our computer, talking to that girl! I confronted him! And do you know what Eric told me? To mind my own business!
Mrs. Riley: No! That is not my boy!
Dr. Carl Riley: Your boy was a monster, and he was on the verge of ruining all of us! How could you let him out of jail? How could you? You knew what he was! How could you?

Russell: Okay, now the FBI is about to chop off my head.

Louie: I can tell you, the janitor's gonna have a serious meltdown

Sharon: But, Lieutenant, what did I miss? I thought... It seemed like we had the situation covered.
Louie: We're never... "covered." You have a partner, you have a gun, you have a camera, you have SIS and vests and dogs and patrol cars out the ass, and people still get hurt. Sharon... there is no defense against bad luck.

Lt. Louie Provenza: Well, actually, since I met Doc, I think of him more as... Grumpy.

Ricky: Mom, where's the Christmas Village?
Rusty: The what?
Emily: Ignore him, Rusty. He's obsessed with childhood junk.
Ricky: Whoa. "Junk?" No, no. First off, the Christmas Village is very valuable. It's filled with collectives. Rusty, it's-it's a special diorama made with all these model buildings from Dickens' novels and they all light up. It's awesome.
Sharon: I am so sorry, honey. I... I left the Christmas Village in storage.
Ricky: Why would it be in storage? We put it up every year and... and... Mom, where are the pinecone elves? What is this? That looks like a guilt cookie.
Sharon: They were falling apart.
Ricky: You didn't throw them away.
Sharon: I'm afraid I did.
Ricky: You dumped Harry, Sam, Franklin, Scotty, and Twinkle in the trash?
Emily: Ha-ha-ha.
Rusty: You named the elves?
Ricky: Mom, these are not just pinecones with hats. These are part of my childhood. Eh-eh, they're a Christmas tradition.
Sharon: Well, this Christmas we can make some new traditions. The four of us, a new family.

Thorn: It's your heart that's under arrest. In fact, I think it... may be in solitary confinement.

Julio: I reopened the investigations into the murders of your two sons, and I need to ask you some questions.
Regina: Really?
Julio: Yes, ma'am.
Regina: Where are all the other police?
Julio: This is... something that I'm doing on my own time. Let's start with your oldest son, Marco. He was Dante's dad, wasn't he?
Regina: Yes, and the worst father in the world, and a terrible son, but I loved him all the same.
[pause]
Regina: How do you explain this to people? No one understands.
Julio: I don't need to understand, Ms. Gomez. I just need to arrest the person who killed him.
[pause]
Julio: Can you fill out a little paperwork for me?
Regina: Okay. Sure.
[holds Sanchez's hands]
Regina: You know... you remind me of Marco a little. I bet you're stubborn, aren't you?
[a tear drops from Sanchez]

Lt. Louie Provenza: Do me a favor? Push these people back.
Cop: How far?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Mile or two would be nice.

Julio: Let's start when Dante came over to your house yesterday.
Manuel: Who told you about that?
Julio: You just did.

D.D.A. Emma Rios: That's the call the people's witness described making to the authorities, the call that helped the LAPD find and unearth four murdered girls buried in Griffith Park, the call that led this young man to be detained by the police, to be attacked by Phillip Stroh, to be threatened at the defendant's instigation from giving his testimony here today...
Linda: Objection! Your Honor, the prosecution can present no evidence that my client attempted to intimidate Russell in any way.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Your Honor, we have almost thirty threatening letters sent to...
Linda: The authenticity of those letters is doubtful at best.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Doubtful? Doubtful? That's not what you were saying three hours ago...
Judge: Hold on, ladies! Hold on. I don't allow cross-talk in this courtroom. You'll address me, not each other. First... what are these threatening letters?
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Your Honor, both this boy and his guardian Captain Raydor received menacing letters suggesting terrible things would happen if they continued to assist the prosecution. The people intend to link those letters...
Judge: What you intend to do and what you can prove today are two different things. Neither the prosecution, nor the witness may enter these letters into the record during the hearing if Ms. Rothman objects.

Lt. Louie Provenza: So, to review, our primary suspects, uh, seem to be - Sonny, Techie, Limpy, Roomie, Wifey and Doc.

Jon: [seeing Rusty at the police station] Whoa. Whoa. And YOU, wow, you undercover guys... I mean, the level of commitment. How hard do you have to work to stay looking this young?
Rusty: I'm not undercover. I'm actually graduating high school today.

Sharon: I worry that Rusty and Gus found each other too soon.
Andy: Well, you can't time love. Your table awaits, my dear.

D.D.A. Emma Rios: Lieutenant Provenza, it might be wise for you to talk to the press and straighten things out.
Lt. Louie Provenza: I'm working a murder, not a political sideshow.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: If you're busy, what about Detective Sanchez, then?
Detective: Good luck.

Jackson: You know, this might be your out with Kris. Her parents think you're her boyfriend, but we both know who you really are.
Rusty: Who I really am? What's THAT supposed to mean?
Jackson: Just that... Just that you're a material witness in a trial against a serial killer living under police protection. You play that up big with Kris's parents and they'll end the relationship FOR you. Yeah. Moms and dads are like that, you know. They're always protecting their children.

Captain: The law's not about right or wrong. It's about resolving conflicts in a civilized manner. If we want the justice system to work, we have to stand beside it when it doesn't go our way.

Captain: "Write about the person in your life who has influenced you the most."
Buzz: I proofed it. Just read the first line.
Captain: Okay. "From the day I finally learned to tie my shoes, the person who has exercised the most influence in my life is me."
[pause]
Captain: Oh.
Rusty: What? It's true.

Sharon: You drop an egg. Sometimes it breaks, sometimes it doesn't.

Kendall: Someone put a serious dent in the victim's skull with that little statue.
Mike: Hotel staff says this statue usually lives on this counter here.
Louie: Well, what's it supposed to be?
Mike: Uh... modern art.
Louie: Well, did it kill him in the abstract or for real?

Andy: [sees "Application for Retirement" form on his desk] What is this? Some kind of a joke?
Louie: Heh, you... you didn't print up a retirement application?
Mike: Oh, that's mine. Forgot all about it, and it's not about retiring. It's about the deferred pension program. My business manager wants to check it out.
[chuckles]
Julio: Deferred pension?
Buzz: What is that?
Mike: Well, ideally, you put away more money from your paycheck, so you can save it tax-free until you retire.
Amy: What... what, you have a business manager?
Mike: Well, he deals mainly with my consulting fees from "Badge of Justice".
Andy: Oh, my God, how much do you make on the show anyway?
Mike: Well, my business manager said I shouldn't talk about it.
Louie: Wait, wait, wait, so you're not thinking about calling it quits?
Andy: Of course I think about it. Every day. But the truth is... I've given up so much of my life for this job, including a decent relationship with my children and most of my faith in the human race, that there's... no place else on earth that I fit in.
Louie: Now, that's the right attitude.

Russell: Are we arresting people for skipping work?

Captain: [Rusty finds Raydor holding his stash of blackmail letters] Whatever happens next... know I love you.

Buzz: You don't consider the murder of Santa Claus to be a major crime? Because in my reserve training class...
Louie: Buzz, the first thing you have to learn as a backup police officer is how not to get emotionally caught up in the crime, uh, which, in this case, is over. The circle is closed.
Sharon: Lieutenant Provenza?
Andy: The circle reopens.
Louie: Captain... oh, and your whole family. What a wonderful surprise.
Sharon: Is it? I've been calling you.

Rusty: Why is she so set on getting married in a church anyway? I mean, she goes to mass a lot, but Andy doesn't. I don't. You don't, do you?
Ricky: I'm an Easter Catholic.

Sharon: Look around, Louie. I've always loved the view.

Lt. Reed: Here's what we know: A vehicle exploded at 11:34 hours. Blast pattern indicates an inciting reaction with extremely high deflagration.
[Provenza shows puzzled look]
Mike: He means it was definitely a bomb.
Lt. Reed: And in mapping the geography of the debris field back to the blast point, the device was likely anterior to the fuel tank, piggybacked on to the solenoid.
Mike: The bomb had a trigger.
Louie: Well, where is the trigger?
Lt. Reed: We haven't been able to fully access the evidence.
Mike: They haven't, uh, found the trigger.

Rusty: That-that kid - Mateo, Matty, whatever his name was - he had a sad stack of cards in his lap, and thirteen is re... is just... young for all that. It's really young.
Captain: Fifteen is really young for all that, too.

Andy: Well, if you want to make an omelet, you gotta crack a few eggs.

Kris: How many people work here?
Buzz: About half.

Louie: Look, all Flynn needs is a little murder somewhere and he'll perk right up.

Andy: You try anything like that again, and I will personally beat you to a pulp.

Rusty: Look, all... all I really want to do is just to finish school with no trouble and play chess. I mean, can't I just do those two things? Can't THAT be enough?
Captain: That is MORE than enough. There is no pressure from me to do anything else except be kind and be safe.

Keith: I looked away from my laptop for one minute.
Andy: Yeah? Well, you looked away from your son, too. Gettin' to be a bad habit for you.

Chuck: Undercover can set up outside so Burning Man doesn't see us. That's no problem, but...
Julio: But by the time the guy gets here, the girl will be dead.
Andy: That feels like a problem.
Louie: Even when we get ahead of him, we're behind.

Rusty: Can I ask you a question?
Sharon: About?
Rusty: That girl who was here a few days ago. Lina. What happened to her, now that her family disowned her?
Sharon: Well, it's a federal case, but Lina has agreed to be a witness against Josh Allen in his murder trial in return for asylum and tuition to a state university.
Rusty: Oh. So, better than it was.
Sharon: But worse than it had to be. You can draw a direct line from what Lina was hiding from her family, to the murder of Mehar Sethi. And Lina's father found about it anyway... in the most tragic way possible.

Minister: A person is more than their name, more than the blood in their body. We gather here as proof of that. Alice left this world a stranger but she is still our family. We embrace and encircle her spirit with the expectation that we will see her again in a world far better than this one.

Lloyd: A friend was with me last night.
Lt. Andy Flynn: [shouts] I told you not to call anybody!
Lloyd: It wasn't just anybody! This is the most amazing woman in the world, I've known her since we were kids, we've dated off and on since high school, and you can believe her when she says I didn't kill anyone because she is honest, dependable, and absolutely not a prostitute.
Lt. Andy Flynn: "Not a prostitute?"
Lt. Louie Provenza: What is her name?
Lloyd: Her name is Shampagne - with an S - and she has a website.

Julio: Buzz, let me film the body.
Buzz: It's my job.
Lt. Andy Flynn: Trust me. It's nothing you need to see.

Louie: Flynn, you better be dying.
Andy: I'm watching you on the news. You look better from behind than you do from the front.
Louie: You're supposed to be resting.
Andy: I'm just enjoying your show.
Sharon: Ask the Lieutenant to have Julio meet me at the hospital.
Andy: Yeah, Sharon says she would like...
[Beep]
Andy: Hello? What? He hung up on me.

Fritz: Since the airship never flew over it, let's get rid of the valley.
Louie: I've wanted to do that for years.

Julio: Wow... After everything... that I've done here... you two treat me the same way... that you would... a dirtbag suspect off the street... Am I under arrest, ma'am?
Sharon: No. Julio, everything we've done is to...
Julio: My mom needs my help. Excuse me.
Louie: Julio.
Sharon: Of course.
Louie: Julio, we're doing this for your own good.
Mike: [Sanchez walks to the elevator] Julio.
Julio: Why didn't you tell me what was going on?
Mike: There's an open I.A. investigation. If they knew we told you Tino was murdered before they questioned you, it's not good.
Julio: Did you see the guy?
Mike: I did.
Julio: I messed him up. It's not like he was unconscious or anything. I mean, he ran away, Tao.
Mike: I know you didn't do it. Meanwhile, you gotta follow procedure right now. Procedure is your friend, okay? Let us find the suspect.

[Rusty asks Lt. Provenza and Buzz for help in getting out of a dinner date with Kris and her parents]
Lt. Louie Provenza: [referring to Rusty's mom] Just, uh, tell me Rusty, you ever have anyone in your life that you really cared about just not show up and leave you hanging?
Rusty: S'not like that.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Oh, but it is. It's exactly like that.

Captain: We should hurry. The cemetery fills up early.

Mike: Lots of cool stuff on the way. What do you think?
Louie: Uh, I think I feel like one of the dinosaurs watching the meteor from afar.

Buzz: You can't think of anything that will remove this color?
Dr. Morales: I'm sorry. It'll wear off in a few days.
Buzz: A few...
Dr. Morales: Hey, at least the green is seasonal.

Rusty: Did those wine bottles come out of Jack's garbage?
Ricky: Yeah, just don't say anything about that to Mom.
Rusty: Bu... but what if she finds out we knew and didn't say anything?
Emily: Here's another Christmas tradition you need to learn...
Ricky: Right. So, after a certain age, the holidays are for our parents, not for us; so, it's our job, our responsibility really, to make them feel like we're having as great time as we did when we were seven.

D.D.A. Andrea Hobbs: Impact statements come from victims.
Rusty: I'm not a victim, though.
Sharon: Stroh tried to kill you. He hit you in the head with a shovel. He pushed you into a canyon. He sliced your leg open with a knife.
D.D.A. Andrea Hobbs: And that's all attempted murder.
Rusty: Right.

Louie: [hoping to scoot out from the investigation to retrieve a ham from a free-range butcher] So what are we investigating, a scuffle between two saints?
Julio: [to Sharon] Oh, I wouldn't say that. According to the HR department at Hamilton/Lockwood where Mr. Palmer worked, there were two complaints filed against him professionally. One through his office, accusing him of making sexually inappropriate remarks and jokes, ma'am...
Louie: Oh, well, did you write any of the jokes down?
[chuckles]
Louie: [noting Capt. Raydor's disapproving gaze] Well, you know, just to see how inflammatory they were.
Sharon: Don't lose your ham, Lieutenant.

Mr. Kleiner: No. Don't shoot. I'm rich.

D.D.A. Emma Rios: Lieutenant Provenza?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Yes.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Good morning, Lieutenant.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Yeah.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Is it... is it bad?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Well, I've seen worse. Anyway, I was just going upstairs with the suicide. You're welcome to join me.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Well, well, maybe I should look.
[gasps]
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Her face is missing, Lieutenant! You said...
Lt. Louie Provenza: I said that I had seen worse - and I have.
Lt. Andy Flynn: He has.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Emma, if you're going to continue to come to the morgue and to the crime scenes, you have got to get used to it.
Detective: Uh, here, uh, let me help you.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Oh, thanks.
Detective: This way. Here, I got you a coffee.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Seriously? Thank you. Mm... I didn't have time to stop on my way in. How did you know?
Detective: I'm a detective.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Excuse me, Detective.

Louie: Oh, well, Miss Kemp might have loved the guy, but she was definitely getting a pig in a poke, as we used to say. You know, it's-it's interesting how Bill George could turn his life around, enough so that he could have an adult relationship to begin with.
Dr. Joe Bowman: Uh, I don't know. He's older. People's attractions change with negative reinforcement. Though that's hard to do.
Louie: Tell me about it. I myself... um-hm, I myself find I'm seeing - and, uh, I'm definitely having second thoughts about it all - seeing someone who is so very much different from anyone I've ever dated in my adult life.
Dr. Joe Bowman: Oh, how different?
Louie: Huge.
Dr. Joe Bowman: In, uh, what way?
Louie: Well, um, she's... she's very close to my own age. I mean, I don't go out with women over 40.
Dr. Joe Bowman: Well... why don't you just drop her?
Louie: What?
Dr. Joe Bowman: Stop seeing her, if she's not what you want.
[walks away]
Louie: [following Dr. Bowman] Who said she's not what I want?
Dr. Joe Bowman: Oh, I thought you did.
Louie: I most certainly did not. And here's something else I'll tell you. In a relationship, Doctor, it's not always about what you want. Sometimes it's about what the other person wants.
Dr. Joe Bowman: Well, if you say so, Lieutenant. Excuse me, would you see this report gets filed with your captain? Thank you.
[walks away]
Louie: Psychologists.
[Dr. Bowman smiles]

Albert: Do you see that? Do you see that? That's accountability. I held him accountable.
Lt. Mike Tao: Mr. Torres, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say...
Albert: For you, Matty.
Lt. Mike Tao: ...will be used against you in a court of law.
Albert: I did this for you!
Lt. Mike Tao: You have the right to an attorney.
Albert: For you, Matty!
Lt. Mike Tao: If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you by the state.

Louie: This is going to be a massive print and collection job. And if our cop was high...
Julio: Uh, he wasn't, sir. I saw him last night at the bar at the Fontenot Hotel. I spoke to him. He looked at me like, "Don't blow my cover." He was working on something, sir.
Amy: Not according to his supervisor.
Louie: And what were you doing at the Fontenot Hotel?
Julio: Um, I was being stood up again.

Buzz: These guys really killed that 15-year-old kid, Tyler, just to make an example out of him?
Amy: Sounds horrible. I've seen worse.
Rusty: Where did you see worse?
Amy: Kabul. While I was an MP - stands for Military Police - we had interpreters, locals, and they were murdered sometimes for helping us, just to show what would happen to Afghans who supported our troops.
Rusty: Military Police? Is that how you became a cop?
Amy: Police officer, you mean? I went ahead and got my undergrad in political science. Turns out chasing bad guys is a lot more fun than arguing about government. Working Homicide, it's clearer who the bad guys are. Couldn't always stop them in Kabul. Here I can. Best job in the world.

Rusty: How weird is it that I'm happy to be an orphan?

Mark: It's not enough you ruin my career. You have to ruin this case again, too? Now, what's the matter, Mike? Afraid I was right? That Daniel Price is responsible for all these murders? And because you helped him walk, this new girl and her son ended up dead?
Sharon: Julio, stand down. Andy, no one touches him. This is not a use-of-force situation.

Captain: In addition to Lloyd, you should know that Shampagne is uncorked and ready to pour her story out to your jury.

Amy: Wait, Lieutenant, did you deliberately keep us from getting a new printer so you could do some price gouging?
Louie: Shh! Now, you and the squad will pay your regular nickel a copy. This is a new federal tax. Ad hoc task force, my ass.

Ed: How many lives were you prepared to let Luis Navarro ruin before you finally put him where he belonged?

Jackson: So he says to me, "How'd you like to get into the thoroughbred business?" He couldn't tell a good bet from his ass.
Captain: Is this the one about the horse who had a heart attack at the starting gate and died?
Jackson: [laughs] Yes. Except usually I get a laugh when I get to that part.
Captain: Oh, I'm sorry.

Katherine: You travel with bolt cutters?
Mike: Never know when you might need 'em.

Rusty: Yeah, if... if I ever end up in a box like this, I'd like to know that there's at least one person out there who'd go look for me.
Sharon: Oh, I would look for you, and I would find you.

Mitzy: Listen, police officers, we're gonna need some family time here. We appreciate your public service so much. Thank you. Bye.

Louie: You don't understand. Heath... Heather has left the building! I... She's out of the business! She... Uh...
[Grunts]

Rusty: [wanting Sharon to sign the approval papers] But-but don't you already know what they say?
Sharon: They were written by lawyers, so nobody knows what they say.

Linda: How are you holding up?
Rusty: Fantastic. Thanks for asking.
Linda: Fantastic? Is that why your guardian asked the psychologist Dr. Joseph Bowman to perform an evaluation of your mental status, because you're fantastic?
Rusty: No. That was... um... that was for another reason.
Linda: What reason?
Rusty: It was related to a lie that I told Captain Raydor.
Linda: So you're still lying to the police? Surprised. About what this time? About what did you lie to the police?
Rusty: I don't think I can say.
Linda: Your Honor?
Rusty: I, I, I can't... I can't answer that. I really can't...
Linda: Your Honor?
Judge: Rusty, you will answer truthfully, as you have been sworn to do: About what did you lie to the police?
Rusty: I lied about all of the threatening letters I had received about my testimony against Phillip Stroh.
Linda: Your Honor, I object!
Judge: To your own question? Too late. You asked and demanded an answer, and now these letters are on the record. I'd like to read them, DDA Rios, if you could hand them over after we're done here today.

Russell: Giving the baby a shot at a permanent home is better than dumping him in the system, I agree, but what if all three of these couples want him? The L.A.P.D. can't be dragged into a lawsuit over this.
Sharon: It won't, chief, trust me. The perfect couple for this child is waiting in our conference room.

Louie: What the hell are you doing in my chair?
Rusty: I-I need... I need your advice.
Louie: My advice is, get out of my chair.

Sgt. Staples: We've uncovered an unacceptable pattern of behavior that absolutely has to change. Although we've cleared you of criminal charges, during the course of our on-going investigation, we found several interactions with suspects in which you displayed an unwarranted amount of physical contact.
Louie: And, as I've pointed out, in each instance Detective Sanchez was severely reprimanded.
Sgt. Staples: And those reprimands are not having the desired effect, it seems, are they, Lieutenant?
Sharon: In consultation with Professional Standards, the sergeant and I have come up with a compromise that will allow you to remain on active duty.
Sgt. Staples: L.A.P.D. requires that you attend two anger management sessions a week over the next twelve months. Detective, I urge you to follow this solution in-in the hope that it can resolve this ongoing issue you have at work, and it seems, in your life. I will forward the paperwork over. Okay?
Julio: Yes, okay.
Sgt. Staples: Very good.
Sharon: Thank you, Sergeant.
Sgt. Staples: Captain.
Sharon: Mm-hm.
Louie: Julio, this anger management is a "get out of jail free" card, and the compromise that the captain has worked out...
Julio: I appreciate it, Captain. I do.
Sharon: I know, Julio, but you have to follow through with it, otherwise this deal falls completely apart.
Julio: Don't worry, ma'am. I'm ready. In fact, I'm gonna need all the anger management help I can find.
[sighs]
Julio: Excuse me.

Daniel: Proud of you? Proud of you? No. No, brother. I pity you. You're goin' to Hell.
Dennis: You cause me any problems and I'll guarantee you get there first.

Sharon: Who didn't want to kill this woman?

Captain: His teacher was in his bedroom?
Lt. Mike Tao: Not only his bedroom but in his bed. We have a pristine set of thumb prints on the headboard and finger and palm prints wrapped around the top and the back as if she was gripping on...
Captain: No, I get the picture.

Peter: Hi. Peter Ogden, London Press.
Mike: Hmm.
Peter: Do you always dress this way for work?
Mike: What way?
Amy: This is a formal investigation.

Andy: [Mrs Melman is lying on a table receiving butt implants] Ma'am, we're calling paramedics to take you to a hospital.
Mrs. Melman: What? I'm half an hour from having the ass of my dreams! Go away!
Louie: Lady! This guy is not a doctor.
Mrs. Melman: You think I don't know that? I'm lying flat on my face in some immigrant's garage.
Joseph: I no understand. What is probrem?
Mike: You're practicing medicine without a license, and I find your accent REALLY offensive.
Andy: Especially given that you were born in Fullerton, and that you grew up in Glendale.
Joseph: [Long pause] Oh, well, what can I tell you? It's good for business.

Ted King Sr.: [first lines, on video ad] At Ted King Auto Sales, we want you to command your price!
Ted King Jr.: Don't miss our Year End Blowout Sale where we will put you in a new used car! And remember, at Ted King Auto Sales, our family gives...
Ted King Sr.,29931: ...yours - the Royal treatment!
[fanfare]
Ted King Jr.: People don't want the royal treatment anymore, Dad. Selling cars is not the relationship-based business it used to be. Half of our customers don't even live in LA County.
Ray: I think what Little Ted is trying to say is that the industry is changing.

Captain: Did you ever contact him personally or drive by his house?
Detective: Manny, maybe you did the wrong thing for the right reason.
Captain: Let me reassure you, Deputy Diaz, I'm not the kind of person that likes to get bogged down in all the rules.

Andy: LAPD! Freeze, asshole! Lose the phone and get on your knees now!
Cristian: Or what? You'll shoot? I'm unarmed.
Andy: Yeah, well, you're a big guy, and I feel threatened.

Captain: There is a difference, you know, between being mentally ill and being emotionally injured.
Rusty: I don't feel injured.
Captain: No, neither did I, but then I had to keep reliving the experience in depositions and in pretrial hearings and in court, because the justice system puts extraordinary pressure on witnesses. And it's so unfair, because the victim and the witnesses and the officers have to relive the crime again and again until they tell their story in open court, and even then you may not be done, because the trauma of being a witness can revisit you again and again, long after you thought it was over. And when one is subjected to that kind of pain, sometimes a doctor can help - but you're not in therapy. You're just being evaluated.

Amy: The men's room. Join the L.A.P.D., see the world, right?

Sharon: If it's any comfort to you, Daniel, yesterday I was reminded just how much good fathers are willing to sacrifice for their children. You're not cut out for the job.

Mike: It's called an authorship attribution program. You can download it for free on the internet, but before I explain what it is...
Mike: [to Provenza] ... let me assure you that this is the short version.
Louie: Oh, boy.
Mike: Basically, the program compares texts. It ranks words by their usage, particularly articles like "the" and prepositions like "or" and "to" - words that might seem inconsequential but, in fact, leave an authorial fingerprint on most any work; so, by taking a sampling of legal motions written by Stroh and comparing them to motions authored by Reyes...
Sharon: You can prove Stroh wrote them.
Mike: According to the program, it's a 96% probability.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Unfortunately, this will not be considered evidence in court.
Sharon: We don't need it to be.

Louie: Hey, Sanchez, what'd this guy buy at Target?
Julio: Electric train set, sir.
Alex: [on the monitor screen] And we've got two little boys. I only used that credit card to buy them one thing, so they'd have something to open from Santa.
Buzz: Oh, my God. I didn't think it was possible but... Christmas just got more depressing.

Rusty: And it shouldn't come as a surprise to you but I can be bought.

Phillip: Rusty Beck. Please take a seat.
Rusty: I'm fine here, thanks. What do you wanna know?
Phillip: Just the basics. For example, if we end up in court... do you intend to repeat your pretrial testimony against me?
Rusty: Yeah. Every word.
Phillip: Even knowing your statement could help the state execute me?
Rusty: No one gets executed in California anymore. Actually, in the last ten years, you've killed more people than the state has. And you tried to kill me.
Phillip: Well, it was never personal, Rusty. I mean, who wants to leave witnesses behind? You're living proof of how dangerous that can be, right?
[Rusty steps back as Stroh moves his body forward]
Phillip: Relax, okay? I am incapable of reaching you from here. So, moving on, I understand Emma Rios has asked you for an Impact Statement.
Rusty: Yeah, what about it?
Phillip: I was just wondering if in addition to the dustups we've had, you might wanna include some of the positive effects I've had on your life.
Rusty: Positive effects?
Phillip: By becoming a material witness for the state, you were taken off the streets and out of a life of prostitution, an incredibly unsafe profession. You gained a mother. You got a high school degree. You think anybody around here would have given a shit about you if it hadn't been for me?
Rusty: Okay, and what about the interest Wade Weller took in me?
Phillip: Who?
Rusty: Oh, don't act like you don't know his name. Wade Weller. The freak who you had write me threatening letters and who you ordered to kill me, okay? That Wade Weller. You think I should change my Impact Statement because you changed my life? Well, get this from me, okay? If anyone in this room changed someone else's life, I changed yours, okay? I changed yours.
Phillip: Oh, and I never forget it, Rusty, but to be completely fair, to be completely honest, we changed each other's lives, as we were fated to do. And we will have the power to change each other again.
Rusty: Change each other how?
Phillip: I don't know. I can't see that far ahead, but our lives have been intertwined, yours and mine. A pattern has begun to emerge, wouldn't you say? And that pattern is destiny. And when you finally see destiny, Rusty, in all her glory, destiny is like an arrow... pointing toward the end.
Rusty: What end? The end of what?
Phillip: Heaven knows. I'm satisfied with the witness.
Rusty: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What end? What are you talking about? What end?
Phillip: I'm satisfied with the witness. Now, get me the written parts of my deal to Judge Schaeffer and I'll give you the name of the killer.
[Rusty exits directly]

Louie: You know that this is going to make your ex-husband... mad as hell?
Captain: I hope so, Lieutenant. That's when he makes his worst mistakes.

Mike: How's your personal day going?
Louie: Didn't the captain tell you?
Mike: Tell us what?
[pause]
Louie: You'll hear about it soon enough.

Rusty: [sees plastic cover on the couch] What's with the plastic? Is it to, like, keep stuff off the couch or something?
Billy: No, no. The plastic is to minimize my contact with blood.
Rusty: Your what?
[alarm blares]

Buzz: Oh, my gosh. There's a body in the tub.
Andy: Why do people have to die on a holiday weekend? Why?

Jackson: Ah, Rusty Beck, L.A.P.D.'s very own Oliver Twist.
Rusty: And a "Merry Christmas" to you too, Mr. Scrooge.
Jeff: Who was that?
Rusty: Oh, uh, that's my mom's ex-husband.
Jeff: Oh, she was married to someone else before she met your father?
Rusty: The short answer to that is yes.

Louie: Okay, Markos. Uh, we have a lot of questions for you down the road, but right now, we are interested in one thing and one thing only.
Markos: How many women I killed?
Andy: Okay. How many women did you kill?
Markos: Not enough.

Bobby G. Monroe: Do you mind if we leap right into business, because Greg Rasenick isn't my only client.
Rusty: But he IS the only one going to court this year, isn't he? I looked you up. Lots and lots of death penalty cases.
Bobby G. Monroe: It's my entire practice.
Rusty: Well, I'm sorry to interrupt it.

Rusty: Uh, don't tell Sharon I talked to you, okay?
Lt. Louie Provenza: My short-term memory'll take care of that.

Andy: I don't understand it. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I haven't had ice cream in six years. All I ever eat is fish and vegetables. How did I have a heart attack?
Sharon: Eventually, you will agree with me it was stress.
Andy: Stress? I-I don't ever feel stress. I mean, where would the stress come from?
Sharon: Well, obsessing over what you're gonna eat could be stressful.

Mitzy: Hey! You can't cut me off from the world like that.
Julio: The world wants a break.

Sean: You're lucky not to be in my industry.
Andy: Oh, boy. Here it comes.
Mike: Actually, I'm a consulting producer on Badge of Justice.
Sean: With Jon Worth?
Andy: Badge, Badge, Badge.
Sean: Great guy. That show is becoming a staple.
Andy: Which Mike has every right to be proud of. Every right.

Commander: Fortunately, Commander Raydor, I think you're up to the job.
Sharon: Commander?
Commander: Welcome to the top brass.

Dwight: [Scoffs] Justice? Justice won't save you. And by the time you figure that out, he'll be in charge.
Russell: I already am.

Rusty: Emily, Ricky, let's get out of here before we become witnesses to something.

Julio: It's all right. I wake up screaming too.
[pause]
Julio: This place is pretty scary, huh? You'll feel better after you say your piece in court today.
Rusty: Has there been an arrest yet?
Julio: Don't worry about that guy. I'm gonna kill that guy.

Andy: I understand you don't like surprises, but...
Sharon: Surprises? What...
Rusty: Ignore me. I'm, uh, just on my way out.
Sharon: Rusty, what is all this?
Rusty: This? This is all Andy Flynn.

Mike: L.A.P.D.! Hope you're all decent!

Rusty: So, what am I supposed to do while you're HERE?
Captain: Maybe go back to sleep for a bit. Are you comfortable in the back seat?
Rusty: Of course I'm comfortable in backseats. What do you think?
Captain: THAT is an example of what you will NOT say today at school, understood?

Louie: As a general rule, Emma, when a psychopath tells you that someone is going to die, pick up a phone.

D.D.A. Andrea Hobbs: Here's what the suspect's attorney will say: Heather gave Mr. Barnes the money, headed back to the hotel for her car, got caught in a rain storm, slipped, hit her head, and ended up being swept into the drainage system where her body was battered to death, and Dr. Morales won't be able to disagree, and you have a lot other suspects who are part of a huge financial scam.
Sharon: No one is disagreeing with you, Andrea. Our evidence is purely circumstantial, but Thomas Barnes doesn't know that.
Louie: It doesn't matter what we say to him, only what he says to us.

Russell: [speculating on the case] What? The baby did it?
Louie: Well, it's new. It's never the baby.

Dr. Morales: God, I feel like Quincy, only without the subtitles.
[no reactions]
Dr. Morales: Ah, you wouldn't get that joke You didn't watch the show in Uruguay.

Sharon: Whose idea was it? Was this your idea, or Captain Raydor's? Since you're so interested in explaining yourself and telling me the truth.
Rusty: It was Sharon's idea, but I agree with it, a hundred percent. Look, I made my decision, so don't make me feel bad about it, because it won't work.
Sharon: And this is how you sound when you're happy? Really?
Rusty: I am just trying to make the best out of a bad situation.
Sharon: Okay, you know, I'll do that too, but I want you to think of something, while you're sitting there and you're judging me... All mothers make mistakes.
Rusty: I know, but your mistakes were against the law. I'll see you when I can. You take care. And thank you for not trying to manipulate me, Mom. I appreciate that.
Sharon: Whatever happens, whatever you sign, I will always be your mother.

Rusty: And your first name is Louie?
Louie: Unless you outrank me, or I divorced you, my first name is Lieutenant.

[last lines]
Driver: Dr. Tom?
Phillip: Yes, that's me.
Driver: And you want to go to the Salton Sea?
Phillip: As a first step, yes, but if you can wait, take me to my next stop, that would be lovely. Good?
Driver: So where else will you be going?
Phillip: Oh, not far. Maybe just Palm Springs. Desert is perfect for me this time of year.
Driver: Well, I will get you there, Doctor. I will get you there.
Phillip: That's what I love about Uber. You guys are always so reliable.

[last lines]
Andy: Uh, Nicole? Nicole? So, uh... you're not mad about this?
Nicole: About what?
Sharon: [privately to Rusty after Nicole and Andy exit] We're not dating.
Rusty: Several times a month.

Captain: ...if you choose death, we have a legal obligation to see that you get it. Are you ready for that?

Louie: Rusty, Rusty, I have known... Russell Taylor... since his first day on the job, and we're all dealing with tragedy here today.

Lt. Andy Flynn: Never-ending budget crisis. Morgue can't get anybody out here until 5:00 A.M.
Lt. Louie Provenza: It's okay. She has no place else to be.

Rusty: Thank you for everything that you've done for me, but... I don't think I should live with you anymore.
Sharon: Why?
Rusty: Because I don't think you'll want me there.
Sharon: Rusty, why on earth would you say that?
Rusty: Because I... I played chess with that Wade guy, and... and in some ways, what, um... not... not... not... not the illegal ways, not... not the violent ways, but in other ways... ways... ways that I... that I can't fix, I'm just like him.
Sharon: No, no, no, no, no. You are not like Wade Weller.
Rusty: Yes, I am, Sharon. I am just like him. I'm exactly like him, and I'm... I'm... I'm just like Dr. Morales and... and maybe Dr. Joe and... and all of those guys who picked me up on the street. And I can't fix it, Sharon. I... I can't fix it. I am just like them, Sharon. I am just like them.
Sharon: Rusty, what you are... is who I love, and all of you is coming home.

Dr. Morales: All right, the room is now safe for the faint of heart.
Amy: Okay.
Louie: Oh, God... It takes a special kind of asshole to do this.
[picks up the cover]
Louie: Oh, God, Morales! Where are her hands?
Dr. Morales: I cut 'em off and put 'em in the rehydrating solution. I've had some success identifying burn victims this way before, but it takes time and... usually a little bit more skin.
Andy: We'll cross our fingers.

Sharon: Amy, I'd rather not put that away till after the service. And let's leave up the ID board for a while too. All these lost girls.

Louie: The thing you need to understand about kissing a diplomat's ass is that it doesn't kiss back.

Julio: Did you see their car?
Hillary: Yeah, it was a cute old red convertible.
Julio: Do you remember the make and the model of the car?
Hillary: Well, it was cute... and old... and red... and a convertible. That's pretty much it. Sorry, I don't know more.

[last lines]
Rusty: So, nothing changes?
Louie: Oh, well, we'll kid her for a while and eventually they'll break up, and who will care?
Rusty: No, I, I mean... between you and me.
Louie: Oh. Well, uh... as long as you don't come in here dressed like the Village People and singing show tunes, we'll be fine.
Rusty: Wait. Who are the Village People?
Louie: Look, there are some things that I don't mind teaching you, but I'm afraid you're gonna have to figure out being gay... all on your own.
Rusty: [browsing the web] The... Village... People. Hm.

Colleen: Reality doesn't just happen... unless you think I make it up all on my own.

Assistant: Okay, let's get back to the boy. What do you think he'd want to do, given the chance?
Captain: Help. He'd wanna help.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Uh, call me cynical - heh, everybody does - but when a teenager wants to do something - I mean REALLY wants to do something - it's a perfect opportunity for a parent, or a deal-maker, to negotiate concessions. Sharon, we know what Rusty wants from us, but what do you want from him?

Buzz: [about their reticent suspect] Maybe he's the strong silent type.
Louie: Yeah, but does he speak softly and carry a big tire iron?

Sharon: Detective, anything else in the hotel room?
Amy: Just an overnight bag - though, you know, he had two keys and the room had a king-size bed.
Louie: Two keys are standard, even if it's only one person checking in.
Amy: But also... condoms.
Louie: He was a single guy. Boy Scouts aren't the only ones who like to be prepared.

Lt. Louie Provenza: And we are hearing the D.A.'s version of events already because...?
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Does the name Trayvon Martin mean anything to you? I'm sorry, Lieutenant. If the LAPD isn't gonna get ahead of the race issue, then the D.A.'s office will.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Ah, well, thanks for bringing politics into the situation. We police officers sometimes get confused by trying to solve the murder.

Louie: We didn't need the feds.
Sharon: I told you once we confirmed we had a witness we'd share it with the FBI.
Louie: I thought you were just covering your ass so we could keep our case.
Sharon: I was precisely following the law.
Louie: God, it's like working for a hall monitor every single day.

Sharon: It'd be illegal for me to pull the records of Rusty's father without a good reason, and I'm having a hard time coming up with another way to get that information.
Louie: [Cellphone ringing] Yeah.
Andy: Hi, I'm an everyday citizen looking to make an anonymous tip. There's a man by the name of "Rusty's dad" who may be connected to a murder. Also, thank you for the fine job you do. You're an American hero, and I don't tell that to you nearly enough.
Sharon: A legal option, lieutenant.
Andy: Well, the kid's a DCFS problem, right? Let them dig up the info. I know somebody over there who gets back to me pretty quick, and I've been looking for an excuse to call her anyway.

Louie: Last time I qualified with my weapon, I scored a perfect target. Have your friends at, uh, FID come down and take my after-action report and I'll, uh, check in with my union rep.

Mark: When are you guys gonna stop hating me and start hating the bad guys?

Lt. Louie Provenza: Greg Miller is going to jail for the people we killed and getting off scot-free for the murders he committed himself, but I guess that's all right because you saved the city a lot of money. I bet you're really happy about that, huh?
Captain: I put a murderer away for life in less than 48 hours, which is not the usual routine around here; so, yes, I feel excellent. Thank you for asking.

[Provenza prepares to leave Major Crimes over its perceived state of unfairness]
Sharon: Look, why don't you agree to stay on at Major Crmes only... only till you find someplace completely fair to work?

Lt. Louie Provenza: Hey, hey. Don't bring that.
Lt. Andy Flynn: This new cleanse can't get too hot.
Lt. Louie Provenza: It's in an insulated thermos. You can't undo fifty years of treating your body like a science experiment with a cleanse. Do us all a favor. Eat a hot dog.
Lt. Andy Flynn: Yeah, well, I'm not a quitter.

Phillip: [drops the pen] Oh, I'm sorry.
Judge: Every damn time.
Phillip: It won't happen again.

Sharon: No possibility of murder?
Dr. Morales: With this kind of decay, it's tough to determine. Ah, but I can tell you she wasn't strangled, beaten or shot.
Russell: That's it?
Dr. Morales: Sorry. This is what happens when you put off seeing your pathologist for a few months.

Andy: The new victim. He's not connected to Stroh. He's connected to you.
Sharon: What?
Andy: He lives in your building.

Sharon: What did this man look like?
Mr. Tariiji: White. Thirty, thirty-five.
Louie: Thirty, thirty-five? That could be anyone.
Buzz: Not you.

Louie: Talk to her father, her brothers, any other angry guy in her life.
Andy: Yeah, well, if my daughter was raped and the guy got away with it... I don't know what I would do.
Julio: Make sure we'd never find the body.
Andy: You wouldn't find blood in the drain like I just did.

Jeff: Hey, Lieutenant Mike!
Mike: Hey-hey, Jeff. Welcome to the real L.A.P.D.
Jeff: Ah, thank you so much. Thank you. Yeah, Beckin's described this place to me so well, I could probably move around with my eyes closed. Uh, oh, I got my camera here. Is it okay if I just take a few photographs?
Captain: Yeah, if you let me review them before you leave. Right, Beckin?
Rusty: Oh, oh, that's my nickname at work.
Jeff: Well, it's... it's "Beck and call" because he's there when we need him, he's got a great work ethic, he, uh, he-he never complains, he's always upbeat. Just positive, positive, positive. We love it.

Jason: So now you can arrest this guy.
Lt. Mike Tao: For what?
Jason: He's covered in human blood.
Captain: Which is not a crime; but, he left his trunk lid in the street littering, reckless driving, and without a license, and perhaps he didn't use his signal when turning.
Amy: Three or more moving violations while refusing to pull over, that's felony evasion. Great idea, Captain.

Louie: Why are we waiting out here? The clock is ticking, people.
[whirring saw sounds from the autopsy room]
Louie: Oh, well, um, anything else?

Jackson: You don't even have this missing girl's body yet.
[others look at each other]
Jackson: What?
Captain: How do you know we don't have her body yet? Did Javier tell you that, Jack?
Jackson: I know it because you haven't arrested Javier for murder, and that would be pretty hard to do, seeing as how you would have to provide the victim's body and the cause of death.

Louie: It's always the husband. It's always the husband. It's always the husband.

Sharon: Mike, can I ask you a question?
Mike: Sure.
Sharon: Do you know an AD on "Badge of Justice" named Jeff? Rusty was...
Mike: Jeff Barrier. Sure, he's a great guy. Oh, and you'd be happy to know, he really likes Rusty.
Sharon: And how much?
Mike: Hm?
Sharon: How much does he really like Rusty?
Mike: Oh. Um, I don't know. Why?
Sharon: Well, because Rusty is suddenly thinking about postponing college because of something that Jeff said.
Mike: I see.
Sharon: I mean, I'm sure there's an easy fix to it without interfering in the friendship, if you could help me.
Mike: How?

Captain: One of the nice things about me, D.D.A. Rios, is that when I'm really unhappy about something, people never have to ask.

Craig: Russell Thomas Beck. You are here today by your own free will with the understanding that Sharon O'Dwyer Raydor will, at the end of these proceedings, legally be your parent through adoption. Is that correct?
Rusty: Yes, sir.
Craig: Sharon O'Dwyer Raydor. You are here with the understanding that at the end of these proceedings, you will legally be the parent of Russell Thomas Beck through adoption. Is that correct?
Sharon: Yes, sir. Yes, Your Honor.

Mr. Baird: Could someone please explain how a killer confesses to a murder and then gets a deal for twenty-five years?
Mike: If we'd gone to trial, our star witness would've been you.
Julio: Juries don't like nutjobs.
Mr. Baird: Two hours ago, I felt like I was on top of the world. Right now, I feel very underappreciated.
Andy: Underappreciated, it's a way of life for us.
Amy: What do you know? Maybe you're a real detective after all.
Mr. Baird: Wow. I'm in the club, huh? Ha-ha-ha. Ah, well, awesome.

[last lines]
Rusty: You got out of rehab last night and you are already drinking?
Sharon: [on the phone] Three beers is not drinking. And you know what, I needed that much to get over our little fight.
Rusty: It was not a little fight. It was, it was a big, terrible bunch of lies that you told me. I am not responsible for your drinking and I am not driving you to the halfway house. Go back to rehab and start over. Goodbye.
[hangs up]
Sharon: I'm so sorry.
Rusty: That this happened or that she'll only call back?
Sharon: It sounds like her on the phone, I know, but it's her addiction talking, not your mom.
Rusty: Why do I even care anymore?
[Rusty's cell phone starts vibrating]
Sharon: Because you love her, and because you don't want to give up hope that someday she'll be well.
Rusty: But not tonight.
[puts his cell phone's power off]

Dr. Carson Jacobs: [to Sharon Raydor] If I could just talk to you alone for a minute?
Rusty: I'm her son.
Andy: I'm her husband... almost.
Louie: [Theatrically] And I am her esteemed colleague.
Dr. Carson Jacobs: Colleagues are definitely leaving. Children leaving, and unmarried partners also leaving.
[Flynn shows his police badge]
Dr. Carson Jacobs: You want me to hold that for you while you wait outside?

Rusty: Go? I don't go ANYWHERE, Lieutenant. I might as well be like a prisoner right now. Criminals have rights, suspects have rights, but witnesses don't? What kind of bullshit is that?

Buzz: Except the baby might not belong to the Glovers after all. They weren't the only couple Heather was writing to about him.
Louie: What are you talking about, Buzz?
Buzz: She was sending two other couples e-mail updates of her pregnancy.
Sharon: The Hunts and the Maguires.

Julio: Well, come on, "No Romeo", time to take it all off.
Wesley: You don't even understand what "No Romeo" means, do you? Romeo starts off loving this girl named Rosaline, talking about how no one else could ever matter to him, and then the moment he sees Juliet, Rosaline ceases to exist. Well, I'm "No Romeo". Nothing will ever make me stop loving Keisha. That's what "No Romeo" means.

Fritz: This is the sixteenth time Stroh has been transported from county to Judge Schaeffer's chambers. You're risking somethin' terrible each time.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: I can't help it. He fired his attorney and he started representing himself, and the deal my boss offered him forces me to give Stroh unlimited access to files from his former legal practice to review with the special master.
Fritz: [together with Emma] ... the special master, to see where he can violate privilege and where he can't. I know all of that, but how long is this gonna go on? Is he just trying to play out the clock... or are you actually getting information out of him that could solve open cases?
D.D.A. Emma Rios: There was one thing about a possibly active child molester, but it didn't pan out.
Fritz: But Stroh's ready to confess and make his statement of facts.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: In exchange for information leading to the arrest and conviction of rapists and murderers, which, so far, he has failed to provide.
Fritz: But if you wanted, you could determine his communications valuable enough to give him life today... and end this whole process.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: In this whole process... Phillip Stroh raped and murdered at least five women, and I can prove it. My opinion: he's too dangerous to be anywhere but on death row inside a maximum-security prison, and that is where I intend to put him unless he gives up something actionable. Excuse me, Chief Howard.

Larry: Why check out a dead guy when... I'm available.

Sharon: You did get a warrant to search that purse?
Andy: Come on. You think I'm new at this?
Andy: [to Rusty] Hey, funny guy. You sing and dance, too?

Louie: Then I quit.

Sharon: Let me guess. The title transfer was denied.
Mike: Because there was no bill of sale and the owner, Zelda Lembeck, was not present.
Andy: Probably 'cause she was dead.
Louie: But her husband couldn't prove that... Oh! It was the husband who was trying to sell the car, wasn't it?
Mike: So it would seem.
Louie: Ba-dum!
Sharon: If you say "It's always the husband," at every murder, you're bound to get it right now and then.

Dr. Morales: Angels, we have a toxin.

Ilya: All this is because of that miserable Prick.
Andy: Thorn.
Ilya: Whatever.

Scott: I guess you're right. I guess I forgot she was a witness and not a professional and that...
Captain: She wasn't on your side.
Scott: No. Briana was on her own side. She was fighting for what she wanted. Guess I was so focused on guarding her from the bad guys that it just never even occurred to me she would need protection from herself.
Captain: And remember, Briana didn't become an informant by hanging out with all the right people. Her judgement, it was off from the beginning.
Scott: Oh, well, we live and learn, right?
[pause]
Scott: Thank you, Captain.

Rusty: I don't see how feeling sorry for myself will change anything. It won't my mom back, it won't change what happened to me.
Dr. Joe Bowman: Pity is one thing. Sympathy is another. Forget about yourself for a second. Picture another 15-year old boy, walking through the zoo at Griffith Park, expecting to be picked up by his mom. Picture him waiting. Picture his panic as he begins to understand his mother's not showing up. Picture him with no resources, and no clothes and no food, and nothing but the knapsack that he was carrying with him, walking three miles back to the apartment where he'd been living, only to find one small suitcase, packed, and left behind. And himself alone. Can you picture that, Rusty?
Rusty: Yeah. I can picture that. Yeah.
Dr. Joe Bowman: Anything you'd like to say to that boy?
Rusty: I... I'd tell him that it wasn't his fault. And that even though he might have to do some bad things... though some bad things might happen to him... that he'd end up with people who cared about him.
Dr. Joe Bowman: So, you do have some sympathy for that boy?
Rusty: Yeah, sure.
Dr. Joe Bowman: Okay... Okay. I was supposed to do a straight two days with you, but we had a little trouble getting started, so... fill out this paperwork, and, uh, I'll make some time for you right before Christmas, and we'll see if we can finish up.

Rusty: And I'll just stay out of your way.
Ricky: Thanks. Sorry to invade your space. Turnabout is fair play, right?

Billy: Don't lean too far forward. Might expose your wire.

Buzz: Instead of demanding your own way, why not give Patrice the wedding she asked for, which was a very...?
Louie: Are you seriously suggesting that I walk across the street to City Hall and get married during my lunch hour?
Buzz: Oh, good. You remember what she wanted.

Lt. Andy Flynn: I'm sorry to interrupt. I need a favor.
Sharon: Oh? What kind of favor?
Lt. Andy Flynn: Well, it's costing a fortune to send my daughter's new stepkids to ballet class, and she has no idea if these two little boys are getting anything out of it. And tomorrow night, they're both in a little bit of The Nutcracker.
Sharon: Oh, how exciting for them.
Lt. Andy Flynn: Yeah, but...
[Clears throat]
Lt. Andy Flynn: Nicole was looking for an objective person who knows a little something about dance to tell her if she's wasting her money on all these leotards. And I just realized that could be you.
Sharon: I'm hardly an expert.
Lt. Andy Flynn: Better than Provenza.
Sharon: Oh. I see. Andy, I'll go with you regardless. But would you like to tell me what's really going on here?
Lt. Andy Flynn: Uh... no, not really. So, I'll pick you up around 6:00. I'll take you to dinner first for all the trouble.
Sharon: It's no trouble. I'll see you then.

Andy: Sounds exciting.
Sharon: It is. Um, since my divorce became final last week, now Judge Richwood is ready to settle the adoption. I just have to find out when Rusty can make it because he's working such long hours on Mike's show.
Andy: Oh, my God. It's not Mike's show. Tao is just a consultant. And have you ever watched "Badge of Justice"?
Dr. Morales: Yeah, it's horrible, but good for the kid. He's working.

Mike: Andy, FYI... "directing jail" means no one would hire Walsh to direct.
Andy: You honestly think we weren't smart enough to figure that out?

Patrice: Ah, well, your clot is completely gone. And, wait a minute... Who filled out these DNR forms for you? Is somebody trying to kill you?
Andy: Yeah, your boyfriend.
Patrice: [Chuckles] Louie. Yeah, not the professional caregiver.
Andy: How do you put up with him?
Patrice: Well, he makes me laugh.

Louie: What the hell is this? AKV Security. Some security. Somebody's murdered inside.

Sharon: You're not doing anything before breakfast, and then you're only doing your breathing exercises.
Andy: Oh, well, we agreed that you would only be the boss at work and that everything else would be a discussion.
Sharon: Well, your doctor said that you needed care and supervision.
Andy: [laughs, moans] Oh.
[sighs]
Andy: Okay, well, at least tell me what happened after I left.
Sharon: We found the money in Noah's room and the .45. It's like we thought it would be.
Andy: So, he expected to steal the money, get away, and not hurt anyone.
Sharon: And Howard Prager said his name, and that's enough of that. How are you feeling?
Andy: Better. So, I hope Rusty doesn't resent me for, uh, borrowing his bedroom.
Sharon: No, no, no. He volunteered it.
Andy: Really?
Sharon: Yes, really. It's progress.

Lt. Andy Flynn: All the searches on Eric Riley were run by the same sheriff's deputy, Manuel Diaz. Hey, Sanchez, do you know this guy?
Detective: [donning a characature accent] Oh, yeah, right, because all us LA Latinos, we know each other, right, Flynn?... Oh, uh, I DO know him.

Louie: How are we gonna get to the truth if we start involving lawyers?

[repeated line]
Julio: Very vanilla.

Sharon: [gives Sanchez a hug] Welcome back, Julio.
Julio: Uh...
[looks puzzled]
Louie: Just say thank you.

Lt. Louie Provenza: Mm, normally I'd throw him back in prison, but old Speedy might have seen something useful last night.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Oh, God. Don't you just love gang cases?
Detective: I don't think this is gangs.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Why? The vehicle was found in gang territory with a gang weapon in the back seat.
Detective: Nobody would have left the car on the street like that...
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Speedy and his Third Streeters... I'm not finished! Speedy and his Third Streeters, they think it was gangs. It was a drive-by. Plus, I...
Detective: Plus, you need to watch your mouth.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Excuse me?
Detective: Did you grow up sleeping on the floor every night so you wouldn't get hit by gunfire? Anyone in your family shot dead on the street? You spend fifteen years of your career hunting these guys? It's not gangs! And you stop talkin' to me like I'm your waiter.
[gets out of the room]
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Wow. Does he always get that... that... that-that hostile?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Mm, hmm. Actually, Emma, I think what he was trying to say, in his own way, was don't be so damn rude. Excuse me.
[gets out of the room]
D.D.A. Emma Rios: I wasn't rude. I was...
Buzz: Obnoxious? Dismissive?
Lt. Mike Tao: So, what's your theory of the crime?

Louie: Four bodies overqualifies you for death row.

Louie: Buzz, turn that camera off!
Buzz: Oh, my God! Lieutenant!
Amy: Buzz, just for a minute. For Julio.
Andy: He'd do it for you.

Carter: Oh, Falcon, huh? Who'd he bite now?
Amy: Actually, sir, Falcon's dead.
Julio: Poisoned with arsenic.
Carter: Whoa. Do you know who Falcon left the house to?
Andy: [in the monitor room] God, I hope he isn't the brains of the family.

Mike: Well, look around, Rusty, 'cause you're gettin' some pretty special treatment yourself, and from where you were a few years ago, this outcome is remarkable, and we're very proud of you, and we're hoping what we're doing here will help inspire you a little when you head out there. Besides, every once in a while, we accomplish something that's worthy of a handshake.
[shakes Rusty's hand]

D.D.A. Emma Rios: Captain, eighteen years ago, Stroh represented a juvenile sex-crime suspect, which is why he didn't show up on the LexisNexis search. He was under eighteen, and his records were sealed. The kid refused to give the arresting officer his legal name and said his name was...
Sharon: Jesus of Nazareth.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: In keeping with L.A.P.D. policy, he's still listed under the same name he gave during his arrest. You may be interested to know there are thirty-five other Jesus of Nazareths in your records as well as a hundred and thirty Jesus Christs and four hundred Elvis Presleys.

Louie: Well, let me ask you this. What about my Civic? It's a '99. Could someone just break in...
Mike: You're safe. Well, from hacking.

Stewart: And after he left, I called my assistant for help and, well, I-I... I deleted the app and just... tried my best to forget the whole thing.
[pause]
Stewart: Except... I may have saved a copy of the chest photo. Well, I'll show you if you give me my phone back.
Lt. Andy Flynn: Why would you save his picture?
Stewart: I told you. He was kind of hot. Oh! See?

Louie: You understand that it's days like this that make detectives wanna just give up, right? Eventually, it becomes clear: You're just pushing the rock up the hill so it can roll back down over your heart and crush your life's work.

Amy: $35 entrees, Lieutenant.
Louie: What for, are the waitresses naked?

Mike: Ah, the future Mrs. Flynn.
Sharon: Oh, well, that's still under discussion.

D.D.A. Emma Rios: Now that Cory won't ever be able to testify, maybe we should just hand Goss over to the FBI.
Captain: No, no, no. Cory may not be able to testify, but he still has plenty to say.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: What are you gonna do? Conduct a séance with his phone?
Captain: More or less.

Louie: Flynn. Flynn. Flynn. Did you see what was on the captain's desk?
Andy: No. What?
Louie: Divorce papers for her and Jack.
Andy: No kidding.
Louie: Mm-hmm.
Andy: It's about time she finally sent him packing.
Louie: Yeah.
[Chuckles lightly]
Louie: Think it may have something to do with you?
Andy: Why would you even say something like that?
Louie: The two of you have gone out to dinner a lot.
Andy: Oh, come on! We're just friends.
Louie: Oh, I think she's going for the money.
Andy: Money? I don't even have any money.
Louie: I'm talking about Bug, you idiot. Look

Amy: So, I hear you have an opening in Major Crimes.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Usually, Sykes, people hold off asking for a promotion until they've done something right.

Lt. Louie Provenza: Oh, geez. Why do I keep putting myself through this.

Sharon: [in an irritated tone] Mrs. Logan, I have tried to give you the benefit of the doubt, but your family has been missing for too long, while you sit here, and you continue to withhold critical facts from the police, and I'm beginning to feel that I have no other choice but to arrest - YOU!

Rusty: Signaling before changing lanes in LA is like asking the people behind you to speed up.

Russell: Criminals change their names all the time but they almost always keep their birthday.

Rusty: Sharon, one day, I-I promise you... one day, I will give you a reason to be proud of me... I promise.
Sharon: Oh, my God, Rusty. I am already so proud of you.

Louie: Have you noticed that, in addition to barbecues and children's birthday parties, backyards seem to attract murders?

Sharon: Lieutenant, you don't really believe that Phillip Stroh predicted three murders out of thin air.
Louie: Well, of course not. He was in communication with someone, or somehow.
Sharon: But he wasn't. All he had were the books he was reading.
Louie: You don't think Phillip Stroh has found God?
Sharon: No, Lieutenant. I think he's found Mars.

Chip: Am I lucky or what?
Julio: If you had been lucky, sir, your wife would've gotten out of the car instead of you, and you wouldn't have the rest of your life to wonder what... you could've done to save her. The, uh, LAPD sympathizes with your loss, sir. Excuse me.

Louie: Heh, nothing says Christmas in LA like a string bikini.
Andy: Why did I let you talk me into Christmas shopping on Venice Beach? There's nothing for my daughter's two new stepkids here, nothing.
Louie: Except the best kite shop in Los Angeles. Roxie's High Life, huh?
Andy: Are you kidding me? You said it was a kite shop.
Louie: That also sells bongs. Come on. Hey, Flynn, come on. When have I ever steered you wrong?

Andy: Hey, Provenza. I've been doing some thinking.
Louie: Are you in pain?
Andy: No, I... Oh, very funny.

Mr. Baird: Let me explain how wrong you are. Number one: I called you, which is why we're here discussing murder in the first place, mi compadre. Number two: Security codes. Not only did I violate my confidentiality agreement, but I gave you guys the numbers protecting the most valuable frozen asset in the world. Number three: Employment! Dead dog, job gone. Poof! Good thing there's a million positions waiting for someone with my psychiatric record. Oh, wait! There's not! Number...
Andy: Four.
Mr. Baird: Yeah, number four: No pesos, my little Latino friend. Have you established a path by which money from the Marcella Brewster estate travels into my pocket? No, you have not! And fifth, and most importantly, I lost the one thing that mattered - my best friend, Falcon... and the great big house in which we lived together. So, what is my motive, you... you big meanies? Why would I purposely kill Marcella and Falcon and lose my best chance at living a life in uniform?
Louie: Maybe you don't need a motive.
Andy: Maybe you're just the craziest person on the face of the Earth.
Mr. Baird: [sighs] Well, I did skip my medication today.

Hunt: I just went through a divorce myself. My ex has our son till January. Guess you can say, now I know how the shoe feels on the other foot. Thought I'd spend the holidays with my dad since we're both a little on our own now.
Buzz: It's one horrible Christmas story after another.

Sharon: This all has something to do with him.
Julio: But he had just been shot. Blowing him up seems like overkill, ma'am.

Sharon: Andy, did the doctor clear you to come back to work today?
Andy: Well, he didn't say I couldn't. I mean, look, I hate to leave while we got this head start on the media.
Louie: Yeah, well, that's over. Our victims have all had missing-persons reports filed on them.

Assistant: Look, why don't we turn our limited resources back to where they belong - the victim, Briana Mathis? You already know who's responsible. He's seated right there, in the next room, hopin' for a deal. Get him to cooperate with you.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Maybe you haven't noticed, but Goss's lawyer won't even let Goss talk to us.
Assistant: Chief Johnson could have found a way around this.
Lt. Andy Flynn: She would have, but then we would be back defending ourselves in court.
Lt. Louie Provenza: We don't have to convince Jason Goss to confess. He's already done that. Now, we have to convince Jason Goss to confess again under less favorable circumstances.
Captain: And I am sure that Chief Johnson could have done that, too. On the other hand, she never would've reported to you, and as it so happens, I intend to begin our second investigation by following through on this 911 call.

Rusty: I can take care of myself! Whatever your report says, I can take care of myself.
Dr. Joe Bowman: Well, I've read your file, and it indicates that you've found a way to survive through some pretty difficult circumstances.
Rusty: Yeah.
Dr. Joe Bowman: But, I should also say I've met a lot of kids just like you who've had to take care of themselves, and I've yet to run across one who deserved to be doing that, and I'm not sure you understand. In taking care of yourself the way you did, you were subjected to a form of physical abuse that legally... we would call rape.
[pause]
Rusty: Rape? No, uh, I was... I was never raped. I charged people for what I... did. I solicited. I chose to do that.
Dr. Joe Bowman: And did you also choose to be left behind in L.A. when your mother drove off with her boyfriend? Did you choose to live on the streets when you were fifteen years old? And, if you didn't choose those things, would you describe taking care of yourself under those conditions as... as something you deserved?

Sharon: That's a lot of mothers to check.
Louie: Yeah, and considering our victim's race, height, blood type, and the fact that she had an episio...
Sharon: Episiotomy.
Mike: It's a surgical incision to enlarge the opening...
Louie: I know what it is, thank you very much. I just can't say it. So, we'll ask about women who had an unpronounceable procedure during childbirth.
Amy: I bet you could say it if it was vasectomy.

Louie: Bentley and a Tesla. It would appear that Mr. Day is environmentally confused.

Sharon: Are you okay?
Rusty: Just a little shaky, but, um, never happier to have so many police officers around me.

Dr. Joe Bowman: Do you have a picture of this kid as a child?
Sharon: Mm-hm.
Dr. Joe Bowman: Show that to him. Call him by his real name and ask about his mother. You'd be surprised how effective that can be.

Rusty: Oh, well, my sperm donor is taking me and Sharon out to dinner.

Julio: Hey, check this out. Roaches, rats, and Provenza. They can survive anything.

Captain: He doesn't need to understand. He needs to stay safe.

Jackson: I want to see that video of Javier's interrogation before I leave here. I won't let you trample that man's civil rights in order for you to get what you need.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Sit. Wait. We'll get back to you after we've burned the Constitution. Like you really care.
Captain: No questions.
Detective: Right. Javier, we're not allowed to interview you, but there're two things that you should know. First, we're about to search your neighborhood for all the places that you could have buried Melissa Orr, paying special attention to your former addresses and homes of family members; and, secondly, whatever your relationship with Browning used to be, he doesn't like you anymore. It's gonna take days for the courts to find someone to defend you, since this is a death penalty case.
Javier: Death? But... Well, c-can't you help me?
Captain: Not if you invoke your rights.
Javier: But what if I gave up my rights?
Detective: Well, if you cooperate now, the DA has already agreed to give you a deal for second-degree murder - 17-to-life - so you have a parole date.
Captain: Of course, if you didn't kill Melissa, then you're okay.
Detective: And maybe you don't care about doing what's right, but maybe your relationship with Christ was like a joke that you played to get out of prison.
Javier: It's not a joke. Christ is the only thing that matters in my life. The Bible says it. Look it up.

Javier: Well, my team is half-Latino, half-black, and our kicker's white, so I keep them working, I keep them tired, I keep them winning, and that keeps us a team.

Sharon: Well, don't give up hope, Jack. Maybe when you learn to do your job as well as we do ours, these things might stop happening to you.

Captain: I understand your frustration, but until we have orders to the contrary, LAPD officers are not required to babysit your witnesses.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Unless they're cute little blond boys, in which case you adopt them?

Roland: If the police have just accurately described what happened, you have two choices: One of them is death row and the other isn't.
Melanie: And you're on my side?
Roland: I'm trying to think of an alternative explanation for a dead woman under your bed in a cello case. It's not coming, and this deal will go away.
Louie: Tick-tock, Ms. Jordan. Tick-tock.

Louie: All right, Flynn. When is a bomb not just a bomb?
Andy: When it's a smoking gun.

Rusty: I shouldn't be going to this school. I'm not even Catholic.
Captain: Just walk around with a guilty expression on your face. You'll fit right in.

Lt. Louie Provenza: Hey. Hey! What the hell's up with you?
Lt. Andy Flynn: Nothing. A-all right, look. I'm seeing, um, a counselor because I'm trying to make things up with my family, and while I was doing that, I sort of lied to my ex-wife.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Why would you lie to your ex?
Lt. Andy Flynn: I don't know. Force of habit? All right. After I brought Sharon to Nicole's wedding, everybody started asking about her; so, maybe I let my ex think, like, I was a little closer to Sharon than I really am, and now my whole family wants me to bring Sharon...
Lt. Louie Provenza: Stop calling her that.
Lt. Andy Flynn: What? That's her name. What?

Lt. Louie Provenza: Killer made a snack after the murder?
Mike: [holding up a pizza box from the trash] Yeah, but this box was on the bottom of the pile. All this other stuff was on top.
Lt. Louie Provenza: So he hangs out here all weekend with a dead body in the tub - eating?

Congressman Steven Keller: Are you threatening me again? Agent Howard, I asked you a question.
Russell: He's not threatening you, sir. Agent Howard and I are merely documenting the systematic way you have used your status as a congressman to interfere with an ongoing criminal investigation by the Department of Justice, the FBI, and the LAPD, and it is that information that we are handing over to the House Ethics Committee, sir.
Congressman Steven Keller: You're documenting my status as a congressman?
Russell: Yes.
Congressman Steven Keller: How about documenting my status as the father of a murder victim, whose son was gunned down in his own living room? How about documenting the way that law enforcement officers left innocent people in danger while refusing to arrest known criminals? And my rage, are you documenting that? Because every second that goes by without an arrest, I am only getting angrier and angrier.

Sharon: Andy, what are you doing over there?
Andy: It... it's just a walk across the street. And I'm the only guy this asshole didn't know.

Jason: You mean... we're rich again?
Lt. Andy Flynn: You were ALWAYS rich. Don't you get it? You had a father who cared so much for his family that he did every crazy thing he could do to try to make up for all of his failings. Having a dad like that means you were rich from the day you were born. And you, Mrs. Dietz, you were rich, too, but you didn't want to be, did you? You wanted to have lots of money. Well, now you got it! And how's that working out, huh?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Flynn, that's enough!

Captain: Let me explain to you just how important you are to this process. A man who raped and killed five young girls could end up going free, unless you speak up. Is that what you want to happen?
Rusty: No. No, no, Sharon. Obviously, I don't want that to happen, but even... even if I... I plead the Fifth or whatever, people will find out about me. They will.
Captain: And they will also find out... that under... very difficult circumstances and against your own best interests that Rusty Beck was the kind of person who was brave enough to do the right thing.

Sharon: He retired. He started a chain of restaurants, didn't he?
Andy: Oh, yeah. Um, Tackles! Huge TVs, big burgers, cute girls. Tasteless... the way they dress those waitresses there.
Dr. Fernando Morales: There's a reason they call them "breastaurants."

Lt. Reed: Rather than drive through the streets, towing an incendiary device on the back of our vehicle, we'll perform a forced detonation in the containment truck.
Mike: He means we're blowing up the bomb.

Louie: Captain, if I can ruin Jack Raydor's day, I promise you the please will be all mine.

Louie: You, um... You're sure you want to see this?
Rusty: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I have to see it.
Louie: Well, it wasn't just vitamins and energy bars. In her purse, your mother also had two dresses and a pair of shoes she had liberated from a department store. Plus a little meth.
Rusty: I don't get it. Why does she keep using drugs?
Louie: We can't know the answer to that, but you listen to me, son. Her drug use has nothing to do with you.

D.D.A. Emma Rios: This document confirms your agreement to serve a total of four years for all these robberies. I've included the names and addresses...
Assistant: [in the monitor room] So I assume one of those robberies includes the house where he stole the murder weapon.
Lt. Louie Provenza: It does.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: If you would put your signature at the bottom, we'll set a court date for next week and we'll get this in front of a judge.
Roland: Is that it?
Captain: There is one more thing.
Detective: You just confessed to robbing Stewart Ness.
Captain: And in the stolen property report that he filled out, it lists this gun.
Roland: What the hell is this? You can't add gun charges to these robberies.
Captain: We found this weapon that your client stole at the scene of an attempted robbery, matching his M.O. in Venice where we also found a double homicide.
Roland: What?
Tyler: Wait, I... No, I read about that in the paper. They said it was a murder-suicide.
Captain: Oh, well, sometimes the press gets it wrong.

Emily: I'm just a... I'm worried that-that Dad's gonna say he's drinking because, you know, he-he feels like you tried to change him and we still cut him out of Christmas.
Rusty: Well, yeah, and he probably WILL say that because users always find a reason why it's someone else's fault they're drinking. And Sharon knows that.
Emily: You just... You don't understand the whole history. Mom promised Dad that he would never see his kids again unless he stayed sober; and, you know, you may not know this, but, um, she keeps her promises.
Rusty: Right... Well, you may have to pretend like you're seven at Christmas but you and Ricky are still adults. Does Sharon still tell you who you can and can't see? 'Cause she doesn't do that to me. Don't you think this might be what Jack wants, for you to not trust Sharon?

Detective: Welcome to Lost Horizon, also known as the land that time forgot.
Detective: Hope we get in and out before the place falls down.
Buzz: If I close my eyes, I can hear the bulldozers.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Hey, just because something's old doesn't mean it's not serving a good purpose.

Sharon: Lieutenant Flynn, would you please escort Father Jonas to our Visitors Conference Center?
Andy: Sure. Right this way, your somewhat holiness.

Julio: Hey, Lieutenant, someone just swiped one of the victim's credit cards at the Target in Westwood. Store security's holding him for us.
Buzz: At least someone's getting their holiday shopping done.

Andy: Hey, look. Everyone doesn't have to go. I only thought... Just hate the idea of wrapping her up in the burrito room and leaving her there.
Louie: We all hate it, Flynn. Even me.

Lt. Chuck Cooper: So this is our Number One for tomorrow, ay?
Rusty: What?
Amy: During the operation, your radio call name will be Number One.
Rusty: Oh. Beats being called number two.
Lt. Chuck Cooper: Oh, you're very funny, Mr. Jump Street.
Rusty: Yeah, all I... all I meant was that...
Lt. Chuck Cooper: Oh, very funny. Now, sit down. Impress me. I want to be impressed because there's no way I'm putting some kid on the street unless I know he's going to cooperate with me 1,000 percent. You got that, Jump Street? I want to be impressed.

Detective: Do you have a wife? Huh? I'm going to arrest her. You have a dog? I'm gonna kill it!
Lt. Mike Tao: [to Jason] He probably doesn't even have a dog.

Louie: Injustice collectors rationalize their own behavior, tend to demonize the people who disagree with them. My first four wives, for example.
Andy: And all of Santa Monica.

Lt. Louie Provenza: The gays, they have it made.

Louie: Well, we may not have all the answers, but I think we do have better questions.

Captain: Well, it's just while we wait until the lab results from the letter come back. If you don't mind.
Rusty: Well, you're asking me, so it sounds like I have a choice?
Captain: That would be misleading.

Louie: Around here, nothing's ever "over."

Louie: Gustavo, I know it seems unfair but sometimes older brothers... sometimes older brothers have to make sacrifices for their younger siblings.

Rusty: And, um, that... that other thing... that you... that you think you know... I am not ready to talk about that at all.
Louie: Thank God.

Julio: [passing a paper] Last one. And thanks for your help. Maybe an ex-FBI guy can work out over here after all.
Fritz: Thanks for the vote of confidence, Julio... I'm gonna say goodnight to Mike.

Louie: Uh-huh. Road rage. The holiday season has begun.

Dr. Morales: The killer snaps the neck, severing the spinal cord, interrupting signals to the brain. Panic never sets in; so, no struggle while the killer proceeds to stab, very methodically, here, then here, then stabs the throat. Very little blood produced since the heart is no longer pumping properly. Every - wound - fatal.
Louie: So, this was a professional hit?
Dr. Morales: Well, that's for you to decide; but, whoever killed this man avoided all the muss of a frontal assault and was thorough enough to make sure the victim was dead several times over.
Sharon: Sound like hand-to-hand combat to you, Lieutenant?
Louie: Maybe we should ask a soldier.

Sharon: And when we say "dating," Chief, we mean it in the old-fashioned sense of the word.
Andy: Yeah, very old-fashioned. In fact, I'm surprised we don't have a chaperone.

Louie: For the record, I'm uncomfortable.

Rusty: May I just ask a few questions so that Nicole understands?
Sharon: Of course.
Andy: Why not?
Rusty: Okay, so, t-the two of you, you... you go out to dinner... a lot.
Sharon: Sometimes.
Andy: Y-yeah, we... we go to dinner.
Sharon: Go out to dinner sometimes.
Andy: Sometimes.
Rusty: And, Lieutenant Flynn, you take Sharon to the movies?
Sharon: Occasionally.
Andy: Y-yeah, well, we...
Sharon: Occasionally.
Andy: W-we go to the movies.
Rusty: And The was also that Dodger game in September and the charity banquet at the Japanese-American museum, oh, and we're all going to the ballet with each other's families as a part of Christmas.
Nicole: I see, but they're definitely not dating... as far as you know.
Rusty: Or as far as they know.

Julio: Oh, hey, Sykes, I forgot. Cooper stopped by earlier and said he was gonna be late to dinner.
Amy: I'm not going to dinner with Lt. Cooper.
Andy: I'm surprised you guys ever came back from surveillance.
Buzz: You're dating Cooper?
Rusty: People don't know that yet?
Amy: There is nothing to know.
Mike: Oh, let the girl be happy.
Louie: Or, as happy as anyone can be in a relationship. Good night, everybody. I hope to see none of you before morning.
Rusty: Well, uh, but, actually, could you wait just a second? I wanted to ask all of you a question. Would it bother any of you, or... w-would any of you think differently about me if I... if I said... if I said I was gay?
Mike: Oh, you're gay?
Buzz: We did not know that.
Andy: I think after we get past the initial shock...
[Julio snorts]
Louie: Julio, this is serious. The answer is, if you told us you were gay, we'd think that you trusted us more, and then we would trust YOU more. Did you hear that, Sykes?
Amy: Oh, my God. I'm dating Lieutenant Cooper. There, are you happy?
Andy: I knew it!
Mike: Ha-ha-ha. Pay up, Buzz.
Buzz: Give me a second.
Louie: Sykes, you do know that you have to inform the captain?
Amy: I did, which is how you knew.
Rusty: No. No, no, no. I knew because I saw the two of you outside of SOB. I was heading in for therapy appointment with Dr. Joe, and you were dropping Lieutenant Cooper off... out front.
Amy: You didn't say anything.
Rusty: Well, you guys were making out. What was I supposed to say?
[all laughing]

Rusty: Don't think I'm gonna be all, like, thankful for you taking me in.
Captain: Oh, trust me, you're not the first adolescent to grace my home with your presence. Having raised two teenagers of my own, I have tremendous capacity for ingratitude. Rusty, it's so funny. Just when you get good at being a mother, you're fired.
Rusty: Or you quit.

Louie: [spotting his lamps in a removal box] What... Well, what's this?
Patrice: Well, they look like hunting decoys with lampshades mounted to them.
Louie: Patrice, I-I've had these lamps for over thirty years.
Patrice: Okay, look, how 'bout you keep just one of them?
Louie: Well... Patrice, we... we can't split them up. Ducks mate for life.

Sharon: Rusty, I get past you being gay and all the trouble that that caused me - and your response is to just walk away? You think that somehow I'm worse than a gay boy who sold himself on the street. I *forgave* you, and *you* are not *big* enough to forgive *me*.

Cesar: I don't need an attorney. I need a new identity. You people have to put me into the witness protection program or something right now.
Sharon: You already admitted to lying to Detective Sanchez about what you saw the night that Ana was murdered.
Julio: Now you have to tell us why, or we will charge you with covering up a murder.
Cesar: What?
D.D.A. Andrea Hobbs: [in the monitor room] He never testified under oath, so he can't be held liable for making a false statement.
Louie: Don't fixate on the details, Hobbs.

Jackson: Oh, oh, oh, oh. I just had another flash of what I modestly call genius.
Rusty: He has.
Jackson: What better, what safer, what more trustworthy cop to accompany our young students of Romeo and Juliet to the movies than you?
Captain: Tonight?
Jackson: Mm, hm.
Kris: They're showing Shakespeare in Love at Hollywood Forever.
Jackson: Blankets. A picnic. Mistaken identities. Romance. Role reversals. Outrageous fortune. Kids really wanna go, but they can't without you. What say you, madam?

Lt. Louie Provenza: [walking to the living room] Sykes. Tao! Sanchez!
[all look down at Rios sitting on the couch]
D.D.A. Emma Rios: What? What happened?
Detective: Better stand up.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Why?
Lt. Andy Flynn: Ah, sofa folds out.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Ooh...
Detective: It explains the smell.
Detective: [to Rios] Do not scream.
[Rios whimpers]

Louie: As you walk through that door, just remember that I'm very proud of you, Rusty. Very proud.

Andy: Don't tell Sharon.

Louie: Hmm. Human beings. What a species, huh?

Dr. Morales: I think we're looking at anaphylactic shock related to an allergic reaction.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Still not our problem. First the accident, then a bee sting, a peanut. Maybe it was just the guy's time to go.
Dr. Morales: Except, why open the oven door, turn up the gas, and sit in your own kitchen if you're already choking to death?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Sounds extreme but maybe he was under a lot of pressure at work.

Rusty: Oh, hey, Rusty. What're YOU doing here? Nothing. Just, uh, being dragged out of bed at six in the morning because I must be supervised 24/7. How about you guys? Ah, just exhausted from all of the hard work we've been doing on your behalf. Wow, I can't thank you all enough. You guys are - tk - fantastic.
Andy: Oh. You're through already? 'Cause that was hilarious.

Louie: Andy, this is not what I meant by "help."
Andy: Yeah? Well, the last time I just stood by and let someone do what they wanted, how did that work out, huh? How did that work out?

Amy: My God. He's already got his second victim.
Louie: Yes. And our pimp is already screaming "lawyer," several times. Damn it. How many deals are we gonna have to make before this is done?

Jackson: Hello, Sharon.
Sharon: Jack, would you mind waiting in my office? I'll be with you in a moment.
Jackson: What? No hello?
Sharon: Hello, Jack. Would you mind waiting in my office? I'll be with you in a moment.

Buzz: So, if those boys didn't do it, does that mean this is an open investigation? I'm only asking because my sister and I are supposed to go Christmas shopping today.
Amy: And my family just arrived two hours ago because...
Louie: Look, I know that we were scheduled to take this week off for the holidays. Now, don't blame me because we have a victim. Blame Flynn.

Captain: A man can change his face, he can change his name, but changing your nature is very hard. And changing your fingerprints is next to impossible.

Rusty: I'm only agreeing to do this because I love you. You know that, right?

Louie: Why I'm here at 3.30 am?
Andy: Because, instead of calling 911, the owner of the club calls his really good friend, Chief of Police, William Henry Pope.

Sharon: Unfortunately, Daniel, your very best turns out to be a crime.

Ricky: Okay... funny guy... I have one question for you... before you officially become the little brother I never wanted, I'm interested in what your idea of family is, and what the word means to you. "Family."
Rusty: Well... I guess... it means the-the people in your life who you've decided t... to love no matter what, and... the people who are going to love you back... no matter what.
Sharon: Sounds pretty good to me, loving each other no matter what.
Ricky: Not bad.

Father: Captain, when you approached us about taking on Rusty as a student, we raised concerns that you asked us to overlook. We tried, and it just doesn't seem to be a good fit.
Captain: Let's review the events as I understand them: Rusty was asked what he did over the summer, he told the truth, he was assaulted and defended himself, and now you're trying to throw him out? What about the boy who attacked him?
Father: It was three boys, and they will be punished - after they get out of the infirmary.
Captain: And expelled?
Father: Consider my position.
Captain: I am. I am also considering the message that you send by turning away an abandoned boy. Is that the example that you want our congregation to follow?
Father: I'm concerned with the safety of my other students.
Captain: And what about their souls? Do you worry that they hear one thing at mass and another thing at school?

Ron: You know, every time you guys fail, I get the blame. You can't find Melissa, that's my fault. One of my cars gets stolen and used in a crime spree, that's my fault too, I guess, but at some point the LAPD is gonna have to take responsibility for its own incompetence.

Louie: Thank God - the victim.

Jerry: [Just as the Lt. Flynn usually says] Okay, look. Did I make mistakes as a husband? Sure. Could I have been more attentive? Absolutely. Should I have slept with so many of her friends? Probably not.

Lt. Louie Provenza: Flynn's on his way up with Elliot's ex-wife. Now, if my experience means anything, then she won't even remember his good side. And if Elliot was cheating on his current wife...

Rusty: So, a day like today must be, like, why you became a police officer in the first place, right?
Sharon: Oh, I had no intention of being a police officer. I only took this job so that I could help pay Jack's way through law school, then Jack was gonna help pay my way through law school, mm-mm. Hm.
Rusty: And then?
Sharon: And then I got pregnant, then I got pregnant again, and then... and then Jack left, and to be entirely honest with you, by then I liked the law a lot better than I liked the lawyers. And then there's the idea of saving people from bad things. I liked that, too.
Rusty: Yeah, I know.

[last lines]
Rusty: So, what are we supposed to call each other, anyway?
Captain: Oh. I think you should call me Captain Raydor.
Rusty: Okay. And you can call me Mr. Beck.
Captain: *You* are the child in this relationship.
Rusty: No, I am the witness. If you are the police officer, then I am the witness.
Captain: There are not a lot of people around here who call me by my first name.
Rusty: Oh, well, maybe that's why you live alone with a spare bedroom.
Captain: I live alone because my children are grown. The spare bedroom is for when they visit, but you may call me Sharon. How's that?
Rusty: "Sharon?"
Captain: Mm-hm.
Rusty: What, is that, like, your bad idea of a joke of something?
Captain: Why do you say that?
Rusty: Sharon is my mother's name.
Captain: [sighs] Oh.
Rusty: God, you haven't been looking for her at all, have you?
Captain: Rusty, I just got this job yesterday. Give me a chance to catch up. I am making a good-faith effort. I am.
Rusty: [getting up] Where's your bathroom?
Captain: It's right down there. Rusty, if it is possible to find your mother, I will do it. I promise you.
Rusty: Sure you will, Captain. Sure you will.

Sharon: Do you think there's any way you could, eh, um... come up with $500 somehow?
Rusty: Where do you think I'm supposed to get $500, Mom?
Sharon: I'm... Do you... Well, do you still do that work you did on the side... when I was away? I wouldn't judge you if you did.

Sharon: May I ask, have you, by any chance, been talking with your father about this?
Ricky: Yeah, we talked a few times. I mean, he's-he's worried about you. Mom, I'm worried about you. I am. Look, helping the kid a little bit, that's great, but t-t-to make him legally your son... I-I just... I think we need to take a giant step back here and just reeva...
Sharon: Hold on, hold on. Before we go back, I should clear up a big misunderstanding that you have.
Ricky: Okay.
Sharon: I'm not asking your permission to adopt Rusty. Or Emily's permission. I see great things in this boy, and I mean that from the bottom of my ever-so-lonely heart.
Ricky: Come on, Mom, you know that I did not mean loneliness as a criticism. I was only pointing out the fact...
Sharon: It's clear what you're pointing out. Now I'm pointing out to you... if you don't develop a little human compassion for this young man who grew up with none of the advantages you took for granted every day of your life, then I'm gonna leave here wondering where I went wrong... as a mother.
Ricky: Mom. Mom, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hang on. Look, I-I'm... I'm gonna have children one day. So is Emily. Do you really want your grandkids calling that boy Uncle Rusty?
Sharon: That is a whole lot better than what I'm thinking of calling you right now.
Ricky: Mom.
Sharon: Richard William Raydor, you listen to me and you listen to me good. You've got one chance to get this right. You need to turn your attitude around... right this minute, because if you make Rusty feel unwelcome in this family after all of his and my hard work, I will be just so... disappointed. Oh, my God. I am so disappointed in you right now, I don't even know what to say.
[leaves the room]

Rusty: "As my mother had drifted further and further away under the influence of crack and finally disappeared, in a curious contradiction of our circumstances, her affect on the choices I make has only increased. I sometimes wonder why she cannot choose me over using drugs, but I will never wonder if I will do that to other people. And I won't run away from problems again, no matter how threatening they may seem. These are the lessons my mother taught me, even as she failed to learn them herself."
Captain: That was very good. Very you.
Rusty: For better or for worse?
Captain: Oh, for better. Very, very much better.

Mark: Oh, my God, you guys are so politically correct now, you can't even do your job anymore.

Louie: So, um, right up the street, there is a pretty good steakhouse with a fully stocked bar. I think a decent meal and a good, stiff drink would do us both some good.
Patrice: Damn it, Lieutenant, I... I have never met anyone in my life who ended up bringing me so much grief, and... and now you're gonna ask me out to dinner?
Louie: Unless you have a better offer. You can be miserable here, alone... or miserable with me.
Patrice: I am gonna look for the most expensive item on the menu, and I'm ordering two of them.
Louie: Then I'll have half of yours.

Jackson: Where are you going, Sharon? Why is everyone leaving? Hey! Hey! Sharon! You cannot question my client without my permission. If you think I'm gonna let you run roughshod over the law because of our relationship, you're in for a big surprise.
Captain: You are the one who takes this relationship for granted, Jack. As you're about to see.

D.D.A. Emma Rios: Excuse me. Do you have a minute? Because I want to apologize. I'm... very sorry about trying to stop you from seeing a doctor, but my concern for your safety is real. I don't believe the state should expose minors to the kind of danger you're facing.
Rusty: Anything else?
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Just doing my job. Sorry.
Rusty: Your job sucks, but that's an apology I can accept. Good night, Emma.

Andy: He doesn't just want revenge on his wife. He wants to screw the entire LAPD, too, the way we screwed him.

Lt. Mike Tao: Just know, the second you call an attorney, and invoke your rights...
Lt. Louie Provenza: I'll be arresting you for multiple murders in the first degree with special circumstances.
Detective: And the video of your trip to the county jail will go straight to YouTube, where it will live until the day you die. So be sure and smile at the camera.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Or you can help us use this search warrant.
Martin: Is this what you meant by Celebrity Threat Division? 'Cause I'm feeling pretty threatened right now.

Rusty: My clothes are off! My clothes are off!

Assistant: That establishes his M.O., but why aren't they dealing on the murders?
D.D.A. Emma Rios: They are. Just watch.

Julio: MMA fighter Felix "Hammerhead" Koster.
Sharon: You know him?
Julio: Well, not personally, but I've watched him in the ring. He's got a chance at a big title coming up. Lots of money, endorsements.
Dr. Morales: Hard to believe he'd give that up to go a few rounds with his girlfriend.
Julio: Anger's a funny thing.

Louie: The, uh, the woman who dropped off our victims... Madam "X"... is going to be impossible to identify. Nice legs, though.
Amy: Yeah, that's how the ambulance drivers described her, too.

Lt. Louie Provenza: What do you think, Captain? Is Browning our guy, was he trying to kill Speedy, or have we merely been documenting the role of chance in the universe?

Sharon: What I am finding difficult is that I took a human life today, and I still can't locate a single part of me that feels bad about it.

Sharon: I don't know, but in a car with two steering wheels driven by a married couple, I'm gonna have a hard time proving intent.

Jason: [during a high speed chase] Uh, Det. Sanchez, if it's "s-safety first"...
Lt. Mike Tao: [observing traffic at intersections] Clear.
Jason: ...shouldn't you be wearing your seatbelt?
Detective: No.
Lt. Mike Tao: Clear. Clear.
Jason: It's, like, the law, though, right?
Detective: If somebody shoots at us, I wanna get out of the car, maybe jump out of the way. Seatbelts can get you killed.
[Jason moves to remove his seatbelt]
Detective: Don't do that.
Jason: Why not?
Lt. Mike Tao: If you hurt yourself through a crash, we have liability issues.
Detective: But if you get shot, we're off the hook, 'cause you signed a release.

Sharon: She's lying about how solid her marriage is.
Andy: Hmm.
Louie: Yeah, and how often have we run into that before?

Sharon: Are you at least having a good time?
Rusty: Yeah. It's... I mean, it's crazy, but the people are nice. And, you know, the second AD, Jeff?
Sharon: Mm.
Rusty: He said that I am the best set PA that he has ever met. He's a... he's a really great guy, Jeff. You'd like him a lot, and he's... he's smart, and he's very funny, and... He's, actually, he's only 25, which is really, really young for an AD. And he also says our hours aren't bad for TV at all.

Dr. Charles Mason: I told you we should have never given him control of the money, and now look what's happened.
Rick: His father was a stock broker, so I thought...
Dr. Charles Mason: Oh, his father was a stock broker. If his father was a dermatologist would you let the idiot do your Botox injections?

Julio: They want to get background on me from my co-workers, So you guys might have to lie a little.
Louie: I can lie a lot. A little, i don't know.

Billy: All right, kid, my boss could have my badge for this but you need to know. The way that you're sitting, I can see your vest under your shirt. Stay chill. Stay chill. Thing is, if our guy sees that you're wearing a vest, he's gonna know something's up and the whole operation can be blown; so, just, uh, adjust your shirt without makin' a big deal out of it. Just...

Andy: Why don't I take him home with me? He lost his family. He feels guilty. I can relate to some of that. Maybe what he needs is a good dinner and a decent night's sleep.
D.D.A. Andrea Hobbs: Do not volunteer to pay for the funeral or give him any money.
Andy: I'll just see what he wants.

Rusty: The, um... the approval papers. Sharon just signed them.
Buzz: Well, congratulations. You didn't screw it up.
Rusty: Well, maybe, uh, this is how I get MY start. Although I can't imagine ever working here for a living.
[pause]
Rusty: Hey, you know, I talked to everyone else about it, but I never got to you. I mean, you're... you're part of the squad, right?
Buzz: Uh, yeah.
Rusty: Well, so, what made you decide to work here?
Buzz: When I was eleven years old, my father and uncle were leaving a Kings game, stopped at an ATM on the way home, and were both robbed and shot to death.
Rusty: Oh, my God. Buzz, I... I am so sorry.
Buzz: Yeah. So I thought, like Julio, I'd join the academy, become a detective one day, track down the killers myself, but my mother was terrified something would happen to me and then there'd be no one left to take care of her, so I got my film degree instead. Now here I am, directing an important movie every day of the week, helping rescue those we can. Maybe rescuing ourselves a little, if we're totally honest about it.
Rusty: Yeah, I m... I might be doing that. Huh. Rescuing myself.
Buzz: Well, that's what we're all hoping.

Louie: Why did you say that? Well, of course I'm mad! Because, Flynn, when I decide that I want to get engaged to someone, normally I propose to them myself.

Captain: Right now, you'll be a stranger no matter where you go. The longer you avoid sticking in one place, the harder it'll get.

Andy: Remember, Stroh isn't just a serial killer. He's a great attorney, and he's leveraged other criminals to help him out before.
Russell: Well, good news is, if you're right, we're getting closer to finding this guy.
Sharon: Or he's getting closer to us.

Mike: Toss up who she hates more, us or her husband.
Buzz: How do people stay married when they don't get along like this?
Sharon: I asked myself that for years.

DDA: Uh, you already have one woman confessing this murder.
Amy: Corporal Day was lying.
DDA: Uh, that's gonna be very hard to explain.
Louie: Luckily, we're in the explanation business. What business are you in?

Sharon: Lieutenant? What happened to our suspect?
Louie: Guy jumped off his roof into an angry Julio. I-I'll fill you in later.

Tyler: Hey, you don't mind if I have a beer? I'm a long way from twenty-one.
Wade: You're an old soul. Just one beer.

Emile: And does your warrant include my Mercedes, 'cause it's your lucky day: I got Jimmy Hoffa in my trunk.
Sharon: Take him at his word.
Julio: You have Hoffa in the trunk? Wow, we've been lookin' for him.

Dr. Morales: Before I get into how I know your victim didn't have sex, there's something I need to tell you. When you guys can't wait for a prelim, I'm happy to oblige, but you texted me during the LA County Morgue's annual Christmas party, which we have to hold early because it's suicide season coming up. And so I'm a little tipsy.
Captain: Doctor, are we... are we putting you in a bad position?
Dr. Morales: No, I'll just repeat these tests I'm doing now tomorrow. We'll be good. Just don't expect my usual genius. Uh...
Captain: You were saying that the victim did not have sex.
Dr. Morales: Right. No spermicide from a condom. No blood. No fluid of any kind on your victim's body.

Erik: But... but what if you're wrong? What if I'm completely innocent?
Mike: Then we'll apologize. We always do that when we're wrong.

Amy: Well, we're do our best, but we're over 30.
Andy: Well, no one would ever know. Police work keeps you young. Look at my wife.

Judge: It's nice to confirm that I was right and manslaughter was not the proper plea.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: I disagree, Your Honor. Because you held up our original deal, a man lost his life.
Judge: You're referring to this Cory Stark guy, who drove the car from which his own girlfriend was pushed? Hold on, I'll get you a hanky.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Your Honor, may I speak frankly? Off the record?
Judge: Knock yourself out.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: As far as I'm concerned, the failure to give Mr. Goss a deal led directly to the execution of another person, and that is not how the justice system is supposed to work.
Judge: It is in my courtroom. And anyway, we're adjourned.
Detective: [as DDA Rios sighs] Let's go. Buy you a cup of coffee.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Oh, does this mean you're not mad at me anymore?
Detective: No. Means gonna buy you some coffee. Come on.

Captain: I'm going to be awhile. Would you like your security detail to take you to the office or do you want to wait for me here?
Rusty: Well, uh, hanging out with dead people isn't as fun as it sounds so, yeah, maybe I'll just go and see you at the big conference about my future.

Andy: Um... I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.
Sharon: Really?
Andy: About... about you.
Sharon: Mm-hmm.
Andy: About me. And... and how living together could be only the beginning.

Rusty: Can I come in yet?
Buzz: No. I told you to stay at my desk until I'm done and then I'll look over your exam...
Rusty: Hey, "no" is enough. It's not like I'm desperate to spend time with you.

Louie: And as I like to say, it's always the husband. It's always...
Sharon: The husband, I know.

Russell: Captain, are you sure we shouldn't inform the media about these kids?
Sharon: Chief, if I didn't have to, I wouldn't tell you.

Amy: Well, no matter what, Lieutenant, I promise to go to your funeral.
Louie: What makes you so sure I'm going first?

Louie: What's going on in here, Tao?
Mike: Every once in a while, when I'm working at night, I like to stop and smell the chlorine, especially when there's no sign of an indoor pool. Someone has cleaned this room with a lot of bleach, recently.

Detective: Where were you the night Ed Dagby supposedly committed suicide?
Agent: Out with friends. It was a special night... Wait. Wait a minute. You really think I had something to do with... Uh, uh, "Supposedly committed suicide?" What's that... what's that mean?
Captain: We're thinking that Dagby's death was more of a murder.
Agent: Oh... All right, okay, look, look, um... Ed needs to have committed suicide.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Oh, boy.
Agent: Ed was found in his apartment with the gas turned on, right? I mean, how is that not a suicide?
Detective: He was dead before the oven was turned on.
Agent: Uh... no, no, no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no. You see, uh... uh... I'm gonna be totally honest here. If you'd known Ed Dagby, you would realize that killing himself was the only decent thing he had done his whole life. I mean, the coroner said he thought it was a suicide. Can't we just stick with that?
Detective: Is he kidding?
Lt. Louie Provenza: No, he's hiding something, and we probably need to find out what it is.

Rusty: And, uh, can you... make Sharon think that it was, like, all your idea?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Well... I have no problem taking credit for other people's ideas. How do you think I became a lieutenant?

Louie: I sent Sykes and Sanchez to go notify him.
Sharon: Julio's back?
[Provenza nods]
Sharon: And you sent him out?
Louie: Why not? He's had a whole week off.
Sharon: He was wounded. We should've done something to celebrate his return. Oh, I-I d... I am just surrounded by people with no sense of occasion.
Louie: We sent him flowers. Eh, look, Julio is going to get a medal and time with a psychiatrist, both of which he deserves. Uh, if it'll make you feel any better, when he gets back, give him a hug.

[first lines]
Andy: Los Angeles finally gets the rain it needs, so, naturally, we end up down the drain.
Louie: Doesn't bother me. I'm down here all the time.
Andy: You are?
Louie: After four wives and five divorces, down the drain is where I come to visit my money... and more than a few of my dreams.
Buzz: Your dreams? Well, that explains the darkness.

Sharon: If getting a confession from a suspect is a mistake, let's make more mistakes.

Peter: You guys wipe your feet on the constitution every chance you get.

Lt. Louie Provenza: Eighty-five degrees in December! Sykes, why am I not sitting in front of my air conditioner?

Rusty: Um, lemme go and I will ask my boss if I can have some time later in the week to, um... change mothers.

Rusty: A sad break?
Sharon: Two little children found dead in their family's suitcases.
Rusty: Oh, my God. How did that happen?
Sharon: I'm not sure. Drug running can often end badly, marriages too. Uh, love is tricky. You think you know someone, and then, very suddenly, you don't.
Rusty: But love can go back and forth, right? And, from what I've seen, being a mom can be pretty tricky too.
Sharon: It has its challenges, yeah.

D.D.A. Andrea Hobbs: Oh my God. He just confessed to the wrong murder!

Louie: This bum was a child star?
Buzz: Before he got mixed up in drugs, J-ME had his own television series, records, concerts.
Amy: He was incredibly hot.
Louie: Yeah, well, now he's barely room temperature.

Andy: All this trouble and the boys are probably just at a double feature somewhere.
Buzz: A double feature somewhere? Should we be looking for these boys in the 1950s? Where do they have double features anymore?

Lt. Louie Provenza: Are you drunk?
Lloyd: No. I ran out of beer, like, two hours ago.

Sharon: I'm very busy, Jack, so let me get right to the point. I'm thinking about adoption, and since we're married, that decision involves you.
Jackson: Adoption?
Sharon: Mm-hmm.
Jackson: Of Rusty? I thought he turned eighteen.
Sharon: Well, he's getting older, yes, and he's planning on going to college, looking for a job...
Jackson: Congratulations. That is great, and eventually he'll be movin' out, huh?
Sharon: But he needs a family legally. I want him to have backup that he can count on.
Jackson: You-you don't have to do that exactly by the book. Uh, uh, uh, look, Sharon, I like Rusty, I do, but... we already have a family.
Sharon: We share children, Jack. It's not the same thing.
Jackson: Well, this impacts me too. I'm not made of money, you know, so if you wanna adopt a kid... I should be compensated for all the bullshit I will have to go through.
Sharon: I knew that you'd say something like that, so... I talked to my lawyer, and I'm giving you two options.
Jackson: Well, these are divorce papers.
Sharon: And these would formalize an adoption.
[pause]
Sharon: I'm not paying you a single dime, Jack. Just sign one document or the other.
Jackson: Ahem. Have you talked to our real children about this?
Sharon: No. And I haven't asked Rusty yet either. I'm doing things in a particular way, and you are first on my list.
Jackson: You know, if you were gonna divorce me, you would have done this years ago.
Sharon: Jack, the era during which it was professionally useful for me to have a wedding ring on my finger is long gone.
Jackson: Hmm. In a divorce, I would be entitled to half your savings and half your pension. Given any thought to that?
Sharon: So you're ready to pay all the back child support you owe me for the family you deserted?
Jackson: We were never divorced. Why do you think that I owe you?
Sharon: Would you like to experience firsthand what the court thinks of child abandonment? Go for it.
Jackson: Thanks for the heads-up, Sharon. I'll be in touch.
Sharon: I certainly hope so, otherwise you'll be hearing it from my lawyer.

Julio: Sir, the open house sign-in book.
Andy: Yes. I was the last one to sign in. So what does that mean?
Julio: Well, you might be the last person to have seen our victim alive, sir.
Andy: No, the killer was the last person to see the victim alive. Oh! And wouldn't you know, the murderer didn't sign in.

Sharon: I'm not worried about an arrest. I'm worried that you aren't well enough to be here.
Russell: So, what did the doctors say?
Andy: [sighs] No concussion, no stitches, a-a few cracked ribs, which they shot up with a local anesthetic.
Sharon: And how long will that work?
Andy: [Moans] Well, it's already wearing off. But I can't take the opiates. So, before the pain kicks in, I would like to arrest this Molly woman for the murders myself. So, is she good for it?

Phillip: [drops the pen] Sorry.
Judge: Every time. I think you drop that pen just to make me pick it up for you.
Phillip: It's the most fun I have all day.

Louie: I want to go BIG. I mean, this could be my very last marriage.
Buzz: How many times have you said that before?

Louie: And Flynn and I will get a warrant, go to the studio where J-ME was filming, check out his dressing room.
Mike: Trailer.
Andy: Trailer. Heh. Oh, my God. Mr. Show Business speaks.

Sharon: Did Alice ever mention where she was from or her last name?
Slider: No. Look, Alice wasn't nothing to me, all right? I wish I never met the bitch, obvious. She thought she was better than everyone else, and now she's just stuff you throw out with the trash. That's what happens to people who mess with me. That's just what happens.
Mike: [in the monitor room, talking with a public defender on the phone] Yes, Lieutenant Michael Tao, Major Crimes. We're about to file second degree murder charges against...
D.D.A. Andrea Hobbs: [holds Tao's phone conversation] Throw in the shooting of Bug, and the robbery, and his public defender can choose between life without parole or the death penalty. This kid needs to be put away.
Mike: Did you hear that? We're talking about murder in the first of a 15-year-old girl. Oh. Uh... The victim. Her name? She's a Jane Doe.

Chris: You better damn well follow this warrant to the letter. My brother's an attorney.
Lt. Louie Provenza: My condolences.

Mike: Our lab found A-C-E-P-R-O-M-A-Z-I-N-E. Acepromazine, also called ACE or ACP, is used to sedate horses before surgery.

Andy: Um, listen, Nicole, uh, before we leave, I think I need to clear something up, because you've... Well, you got the wrong idea about what's going on between Sharon and me.
Nicole: What do you mean, "the wrong idea"?
Andy: Uh, well, we're not really... Okay, the truth is that we're...
Sharon: Andy and I are friends. We're very good friends, but that... that's all.
Nicole: Really? No. Oh, come on. Dad, is that true?
Andy: Yeah... kind of.
Nicole: Oh, my God. How could... How could you completely mislead me like that?
Andy: Occupational hazard? All right, look, it's simple. You like Sharon so much that you seemed to respect me a little bit more, but like-like-like back when you were a kid, you know? So... all right. Did I act like mine and Sharon's relationship was a little bit more serious than it is? Possibly. Did I exaggerate the dating part?... A bit. When I said that Sharon and I were a couple, was that a distortion of the facts?
Sharon: Andy, excuse me. Nicole, the bottom line is your father is just trying to be the kind of dad you can truly be proud of. That's all.
Nicole: By pretending to be something that he's not?

D.D.A. Emma Rios: Javier's attorney says he was having breakfast with you this morning and to keep things professional. I hate to ask this, but are you sleeping with this man?
Captain: Of course not. He's my husband. I mean, uh, well, he's not living with me right now. Well, he's staying with me on the couch till he finds to live. Why?
D.D.A. Emma Rios: The defendant's lawyer is your husband. The material witness in another murder is your so-called son. Is the judge gonna be your brother?

Tyler: Hey, dude, this game is sick. I didn't know you play.
Wade: Oh, yeah, I'm a regular killing machine.
Tyler: I bet. Hey, uh... what's in the basement? That where you keep your victims?
Wade: No. No, I wrap my victims up in plastic couch covers, like the one you're sitting on, and then I bury them in the backyard... or dump them somewhere.
[both laugh]

Russell: Jack looks much less stressed than the last time I saw him. Getting back on the court appointed list should help give him a fresh start.
Captain: For the hundredth time.
Russell: Yeah. Not a terrific husband, I guess, but lots of natural charm.
Captain: None of which he wasted on raising his children; and, oddly enough, charm doesn't pay for college.

Andy: How did it go at F.I.D.?
Sharon: Good. I'm still not cleared for the field until I meet with Behavioral Sciences tomorrow, but I already know what they're going to ask.
Andy: I hope so. You helped write the questions.
Sharon: And the answers.

Shampagne: Now, before anything else, you have to swear that you are not police or else this is enchantment.
Lt. Andy Flynn: "Enchantment?"

Sharon: Sorry. I have two dead Santas in the morgue.
Emily: There's a new tradition for you.

Phillip: Give me what I want, in writing. In return, you'll receive a chance to arrest a murderer, an opportunity that... won't come around again for a while.
Sharon: "Won't come around again for a while?" What's that supposed to mean? How did you know what would happen to our victim?
Phillip: The question is, how could you not? Oh. Perhaps I've said too much. That should give you something to think about, anyway.

Phillip: Which letter is stuck today?
Judge: The S and the D, both.
Phillip: I'll need the compressed air, please.
[Judge Schaeffer gives a compressed air duster to Stroh]
Judge: I know DDA Rios is pretty, but you don't have to creep her out.
Phillip: [cleaning behind Mac's keyboard with compressed air] Why should I be any nicer to her than she is to me? Here you go.
Judge: [tries the keys] Oh, great, thanks.

Rusty: Uh, that girl, Briana? You said you were looking for her boyfriend. Did you find him yet?
Captain: Um, yeah, but unfortunately, he was already murdered.
Rusty: Why?
Captain: Well, because, if you hang out with criminals, you eventually are going to become a witness, a suspect, or a victim.

Buzz: [handing over the Shangrila security camera] Be careful. It's an antique.
Lt. Mike Tao: Ugh. If you look through this lens, you can probably see Barnaby Jones.

Julio: I'll get a removal order for Colson and we'll see if he had anything to do with this.
Andy: God help him if he did.
Louie: Well, I've never been very sure about God, Andy, but today, today I believe in the devil.

Mr. Downy: Look, after what I did to his father, I had two choices - kill Reed or take him with me. I chose to take him with me... I chose to take him.

Lt. Louie Provenza: Flynn, be careful. Your blood pressure!
Lt. Andy Flynn: What? What the...? You just told the entire world that I have high blood pressure. Now everyone knows.
Lt. Louie Provenza: They didn't hear me. Nobody heard me, did they?
Lt. Mike Tao: I heard you.
Detective: You said "high blood pressure."
Detective: Explains a lot. I mean, not everything, but a lot.
Lt. Andy Flynn: You see? What did I ask you?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Just take it easy. Yank on your ear lobe or something.
Lt. Andy Flynn: Don't tell me to take it easy, okay? I asked you to do one simple thing. Not tell anybody about my blood pressure! What do you do? You tell the world.
Lt. Louie Provenza: It just slipped out!
Lt. Andy Flynn: Oh, really?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Really!
Lt. Andy Flynn: Really?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Really!
Lt. Andy Flynn: Really?
[falls down]

Sharon: Here's a job for you. Take down all the comparison photos from our last homicide, grab the ones from those boxes there, alphabetize 'em by last name, and on the back write the case number for which they were requested so that we can add all those girls to our database.
Rusty: There are over a thousand pictures here.
Sharon: Ah, yes, I think you're right.

Chip: Did Nate send you guys in here, 'cause I told him I'M NOT TALKIN' TO ANYBODY RIGHT NOW! You guys need to wait. Just make an appointment with my publicist.
Julio: You don't ask the LAPD to wait, sir. We ask YOU to wait.

D.D.A. Emma Rios: Is there a reason why two hundred members of the 12th Street Rounders were arrested and no one thought to call me?
Louie: Yes, because that's not our concern. We're only trying to find a suspect in the murders of Robert Keller and Tyler Rhodes.

Dr. Fernando Morales: Ah, without a court order, you're not taking this body anywhere.
FBI: We can't get a court order without publicly acknowledging that we've discovered the victim, and we're not ready to do that yet for reasons pertaining...
Dr. Fernando Morales: I don't care what your reasons are, until I see legal documentation to the contrary you have zero jurisdiction in my examination room. I'm the authority here, so step back. Please.

Sharon: Did we drop the ball here at all?

Mike: A lot of blood.
Sharon: I know, but if I question Cynthia Logan before we can properly connect her to the evidence, she could lawyer up, and I don't even know what crime we're investigating yet, and that is the problem. Is it a kidnapping? Is it a homicide? Is it a critical missing?

Donald: Um... do I need a lawyer?
Sharon: About 15 minutes ago.

Julio: You like shooting at cops, huh? Is that it? You like to shoot at cops and kill girls?
Markos: Stop. Stop.

Captain: Actually, we could give him to you now as part of a plea agreement to Murder Two. The judge would accept that, as would Goss, if we had just a little more proof that he killed Briana.
Assistant: Good point, Captain. Does the FBI have anything on Goss they could afford to give up?
Scott: Okay, look... that scumbag she thought was her boyfriend...
Captain: Hm, Cory? Cory something?
Scott: Mm-hm.
Captain: He drove a Mercedes-S, I think?
Scott: I can tell you, on the record, that was the car Briana was pushed from. Cory was behind the wheel of it when she left the club. Let me see if we can bring the kid in without harming our case.
Captain: Excuse me, uh, I have a call.
Lt. Louie Provenza: [phone rings] Joe's Pizza.
Captain: Lieutenant, I've got it. We've got information from the FBI that gives us probable cause and a straight and narrow path to the Mercedes outside Goss's Statement of Facts.
Lt. Louie Provenza: So we can arrest Cory Stark and apply for a search warrant based on FBI information?
Captain: Yes, but in order to use him against Mr. Goss, I need Cory Stark alive and talking.

Sharon: Thank you, Geoff. You've been exTREMEly helpful.
Geoff: Why is it people always seem so shocked when they say that?

Rusty: ...and then he started asking me a lot of questions about you.
Sharon: Oh, heh. How so?
Rusty: Well, he seemed to think you might be dating someone, which would be news to me.
Sharon: Oh, me too. What else?
Rusty: Well, it's... y-you know, it's probably just Jack... being Jack - and-and you say not to believe anything he says - but he made it seem like you might want to... adopt me?
Sharon: He told you that?
Rusty: Yeah, and that it might mean that the two of you would divorce.
Sharon: Oh, well, I am absolutely divorcing him now, no matter what.
Rusty: Don't do that because of me, though, Sharon.
Sharon: It's not about you, Rusty. Jack has just proven - and for the very last time - that he is the most unreliable person on the earth.

Louie: God, pumpkin soup. Add it to the list of things I will NEVER understand.

Donald: I don't sleep with patients. Heather was... almost the only one.

Lt. Louie Provenza: Read it and weep.
Rangemaster R. Morton: Don't see many of these. Perfect target, Lieutenant.
[stamps "QUALIFY"]

Fritz: I make one call to immigration about arresting Mr. Tariiji for felony sex crimes and you're in detention until your trial. Your little club for teenage girls closes. We freeze all your assets. Now, I'm wondering how your overseas bosses will react to all of that.

Mr. Baird: Okay, here's what I think happened. Now, by the end, Marcella was so sick she could only eat eggs and imported crab cakes, dozens of which are left over in the freezer. Now, when we ran out of fresh venison last night, I served Falcon a thawed-out crab cake. He ate half of it, okay, and then he went out through this doggie door to do his business, and he never came back.
Louie: Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Are you suggesting that whoever killed this dog also murdered Marcella Brewster?
Mr. Baird: No, no, no, no, no. I killed the dog.
Andy: Okay, that's it. Turn around, hands behind your back.
Mr. Baird: What?
Andy: Shut up, just...
Mr. Baird: What are you doing? I called you guys. You wouldn't know anything about this except for me. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me explain. Yes, I killed the dog, yes, but the murderer is whoever poisoned the crab cakes. What am I under arrest for anyway?
Sharon: So far, impersonating a police officer, animal cruelty, and we haven't even...
Russell: Hold on. Hold on a minute. Let's all take a giant step back. Flynn, Provenza, is it true you guys dragged this security guard off Marcella Brewster's estate and left her dead dog behind in the bushes?
Mr. Baird: Yes.
Andy: No. We brought the little fella back with us.
Amy: In an actual doggie bag. We also have one half-eaten crab cake, a freezer full of frozen ones, and more than a little canine vomit.

Dr. Reggie Fluke: I only use my powers for good.

Rusty: God, you got a lot of angel ornaments.
Sharon: Oh, you can never have too many angels.

Cesar: But you'd protect me again if I do what's right?
[pause]
Cesar: I'm not the same person, you know? I've changed over the years.
Sharon: Oh, write that down too. Write down how you've changed. I'm sure it'll make a big difference when we start the deal-making process.
Cesar: Do you think so?
Julio: A big difference.
[pause]
Julio: Yeah.

Louie: Only once did I jump my car over a hill in pursuit. During the riots.
Amy: You catch who you were chasing?
Louie: Uh, no. Lost control. Crashed into a Blockbuster. Well, that would never happen again.
Amy: Mm-hmm.
Louie: Blockbuster's gone.

Buzz: [flatly] God. Watching other people gamble. How fun.

Russell: What cop... Hudson? Hudson met her at the airport? Why?
Louie: Could you panic more quietly, please? We need to hear this.

Captain: Mr. Elliot, we think that the person that murdered your wife might have actually been trying to kill you.
Martin: Oh, my God.
Captain: Mm, hmm.
Martin: Oh, my God. You mean...
Detective: That you may have been the intended victim, sir, yes. And our... Celebrity Threat Division is working on that. So from here on out, how we talk to the media is very important.

Rusty: You can not tell me to go to my room. I am not a child, first of all, and second of all, you are NOT my mother.
Sharon: You're right. I'm not your mother, and how do we know that? Because I am HERE! I'm here... and your mother is not... and you're gonna have to try and make the best of it.

Louie: Now, you listen to me, Dr. Phil. I asked for your help, not your advice.

Captain: Hello.
Watch: Captain, as I explained to your lieutenant, I can't approve the cost of keeping thirty-two officers on the scene.
Captain: Okay, listen to me. You will hold the perimeter as long as Lieutenant Provenza wants you to or, tomorrow, you will be working traffic in Northridge. Do you understand me?
Watch: Yes, ma'am.

[last lines]
Rusty: So what do you think? I mean, sh-should I write the impact statement or not?
Sharon: It's a choice... between putting someone in an institution for life or putting them to death because they are in some way a danger and lack the mental capacity for change. It's an awful thing to have to consider - but you've been given a voice here, if not the last word: If it were up to Rusty Beck, what would happen to someone like Philip Stroh?

Lloyd: No, I'm not complaining, guys. You've both been awesome. First time I've ridden in a police car without my hands cuffed behind my back.

D.D.A. Andrea Hobbs: I'll say this: It takes a special person to see the special needs of a complicated kid.

D.D.A. Emma Rios: I can't handicap my case worrying about how it will affect a teenage prostitute, not to mention how it will look to the people of California if I offer a deal to a serial killer.

Sharon: So until we get word from Border Patrol or Amtrak on Lydia's whereabouts, we are... stuck.
[seeing Kevin, Ms. Jordan's son]
Sharon: Before we throw in the towel though, we're gonna have a little chat with Kevin.

Detective: So, uh, Andrews? This TV show that you and Lieutenant Mike write for...
Lt. Mike Tao: I'm not the writer, I'm the technical advisor.
Jason: Right. Uh, Lieutenant Mike is just making sure that we follow rules and regulations and we use police jargon.
Detective: Okay. So what's this show about?
Jason: Uh, it's called "Badge of Justice," and it's about a small team of detectives fighting crime and corruption inside the LAPD.
Detective: [pause] What corruption?
Jason: Oh, you know, the usual - beating up suspects, planting evidence, uh, taking bribes, racial profiling...

Mike: Do you know how many people would give anything to hear those words, "Your loved one is all right"?
Buzz: It doesn't always work out that way.

Andy: Sharon, look, I understand that moving in together is a big deal and that you would like some time to alert your children. Oh, hello. One down. Two to go.
Sharon: Rusty, I thought you were off to Palm Springs with Gus.

Camila: God. They really are like a family.
Assistant: Oh, you have no idea. Sure you want to be a part of it?

Sharon: You have been a homicide detective for how long? And you're still expecting life to be fair?

Julio: Suing her landlord, former co-workers, plastic surgeons, and four separate civil actions related to her butt. Uh... Implants, ma'am.
Andy: Those were implants? I mean, I wondered why they looked...... so artificial.

Lt. Louie Provenza: Why is Jerry never here anymore?
Rangemaster R. Morton: Jerry Zein retired.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Retired? He's been scoring my targets since I became a lieutenant.
Rangemaster R. Morton: Sounds like he had a good, long career.

Jason: No. Ever since your friend told the world that this place was the Monkey's Paw of local listings, even the Jehovah's Witnesses wouldn't knock on this door. It's yours for the taking.
Andy: How do you like that? For the first time in my life, Provenza has brought me a little good luck.
Jason: There is just this... this one thing I'm obligated to disclose. Um...
[Clears throat]
Jason: With all the furnishings going in and out, we noticed that there were several surfaces here hiding... Well, I guess there's no other way to say it. Um...
[Clears throat]
Jason: Black mold.
Andy: What?
Jason: I'm hope that's not...
Andy: Toxic mold? Are you kidding me?
Sharon: Black mold?
Jason: But... but... but while I admit that the words "toxic mold" sound bad...
Andy: Oh, you think?

Congressman Steven Keller: HER son's killers? What about MY son's killers?
Fritz: Sir, this was a courtesy briefing, arranged to demonstrate that we ARE making progress here.
Congressman Steven Keller: In the murder of another person's child. I am not interested in hearing some ghetto woman justify her silence. Make her cooperate! Look, just because my son lived like those people doesn't mean he had to die like those people!
Russell: Those people?
Congressman Steven Keller: Oh, come on. You know what I mean. Look, I am sorry if I was misunderstood, but I expect progress, and apparently it's gonna be up to me to get it.

Elena: If I couldn't make men believe me when I lied, Chuckie would have dumped me a long time ago.

Sharon: Lieutenant, aren't you experienced enough to speak your mind with me AND remember my rank?
Louie: Well, of course, I am. The problem is I-I don't want to.

Buddha: I was more like gang-adjacent. Of course, now I'm a devout Christian.
Andy: [Chuckles] Yeah. With a prescription for pot. It's kind of funny. Guy named Buddha finding Jesus.

Louie: Now, this is the kind of "deal" I can live with.

Sharon: Do not try and do our job for us. Don't ask questions. Don't try and engage in dialogue about this case. If you feel concerned for your safety, you walk out that room. Stroh is really smart. He will try to manipulate you. He will try to make you feel small and unimportant. Do not let him talk you into crossing over to his side of the room. We will all be watching you from Electronics.
[Stroh comes into the interview room]
Sharon: Look at me. When you are ready.

Louie: Oh, Peaches, don't go too far.

Amy: Oh, my God, this place! Ever thought about cleaning after yourselves, Lieutenant?
Louie: Yeah, the last person that said that to me, Sykes, I divorced... twice.

Amy: All the contestants are dysfunctional married couples competing for a million dollars.
Mike: Wow. Husband and wife driving the same vehicle, arguing about money. What could possibly go wrong?

Gloria: Hello, Chief Taylor and... everyone. Deputy City Attorney Gloria Lim here. Um, the L.A.P.D. is tracking a violent offender and Detective Julio Sanchez fired his weapon last week. Lieutenant Provenza killed a suspect during this calendar year. If they shoot anyone else, it could be problematic. My boss was wondering, since SWAT was first on the scene, if this investigation could be handled by them.
Sharon: Miss Lim, SWAT is a tactical element. Doesn't investigate kidnappings or homicides. Major Crimes does that, and right now we are looking for two children under the age of ten, abducted by a murderer, and I suggest that you come back once we've found them.

Louie: Can you believe I was married five times and the thought of running away never occurred to me once?
Julio: What about your wife, sir?

Mike: And you should know by now how seriously we look after our witnesses.
Rusty: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's kind of weird how much trouble you guys go to to protect people you don't even know. What made you want to do that?
Mike: Me, personally?
Rusty: Yeah.
Mike: I started out in med school. You know, make my folks happy. I thought I'd work in an ER, but the more I learned about being a doctor, the more it seemed about paperwork and liability insurance. Physicians spend a lot of time covering their butts. We spend a lot of time covering each other, and I like it better that way.

Rusty: Sharon, I learned how to drive when I was twelve years old with my mom OD-ing in the back seat. I think I can handle a life and death situation.
Sharon: The way you drive IS a life and death situation.

Rusty: Don't you get tired of being right all the time?
Sharon: It is exhausting, but, uh... no, not really. Not really, no. Ha, ha.

Buzz: What will happen to the boy?
Louie: He can't just walk away. He endangered lives.
Fritz: He shouldn't spend the next ten years in prison just for trying to protect a parent.
Sharon: His impulse was right. It's the way he acted on it that requires the response.
Louie: Bad impulse control. That's what keeps us all in business. Welcome to the L.A.P.D., soon-to-be Deputy Chief Howard. Welcome to the L.A.P.D.

Russell: Okay, Tao, press is waiting for a briefing from detectives. Come on.
Mike: Me?
Russell: These reporters deserve the most thorough briefing I can give 'em, and that's you. Let's go.

Rusty: I-I really don't wanna talk about it. Please.
Sharon: Okay. But I have one question to ask you, and I need you to answer truthfully. Why did you run away from Lieutenant Flynn?
Rusty: I don't cry in front of people. I started to cry, so I left.

Andy: There's an "E R" between the "Dick" and the "hoof," Julio.

Julio: The first hit we give her. They were married. The second and third, that was intent.

Julio: Therapy doesn't fix everything.

Andy: So, what did Malibu Barbie have to say for herself?
Buzz: So far, it's classic teenager.
Louie: She was only trying to help. "I never told Lina anything." "I don't know how she found out about what was going on."
Sharon: As far as classic teenage behavior goes, I'm feeling a little overexposed. It's time to cut through all this crap.
[walks out from the room]
Louie: Did she just say "crap"?
[Flynn nods]
Louie: My, oh, my.

Sharon: Would you mind telling us Will's name before the accident...
Andy: ...and how old he was.
Louie: Ye gods. They're becoming telepathic.

Rusty: I just thought maybe that joining SWAT would make it harder for Stroh to get at me.
Louie: Son, son, listen. No, no, no. If you join SWAT because of Stroh, you are giving him a say in your destiny. Look, if you wanna spend your days looking over your shoulder, afraid, wondering when the blow will fall, you can just wait till you get married.

Dr. Liu: As a result of the fall, Mr. Flynn, the blood clot has moved to a more dangerous position.
Sharon: More dangerous?
Dr. Liu: [indicating lower neck to behind the ear] Yeah. This is where it was. It's migrated to here.
Dr. Liu: [to Flynn] Closer to you brain! Okay?
Louie: How do you describe that medically?
Dr. Liu: By saying "Oh, boy, do we need to operate, Mr. Flynn."

Louie: Ah, Captain, we waited at the hospital till Julio's mother got there, then we left.
Sharon: I'm still going. How is he?
Mike: He's upset.
Sharon: From the... the pain?
Louie: No. His mother. She drives him crazy. And he just bought that suit.
Andy: Spent a lot of money on it, for him.

Julio: You coming back with us, sir?
Louie: No. Like I have most of my life - I'm waiting to talk to the girl.

David: You can't do this.
D.D.A. Andrea Hobbs: Can't do what, Ahmed?
David: Send my client back to Mexico. This is the imposition of the death penalty by other means. It is a crime against everything we stand for, and our legal system.
D.D.A. Andrea Hobbs: Let me help you with this. I'm prepared to make a deal. Three counts murder one, life without parole. In exchange, Manuel tells me everything I want to know about his mother's drug operation, or we can give your client a little going-away fiesta. I'll even bring the piñata.
David: He'll never talk about his mother.
Captain: Oh, yes, he will.
David: Or what?
D.D.A. Andrea Hobbs: Or what's about to happen to Mrs. Vega will happen to him.
Captain: We ran her prints. Your client's mother is wanted by Mexico as well; but, before she goes, perhaps she'll provide her son with a good example for once.
Rosa: [screams] No! No! You can't do this!

Louie: We'll never get there without Patrice's help.
Sharon: Patrice.
Louie: Or Keisha's grandmother.
Sharon: And is she a decent person?
Louie: I think so. Yes. Yes, but she's not just going to roll over to help us put Keisha away forever because she has a good heart. Captain, I... I know this woman. I've just spent 24 hours with her, building a trusting relationship.
Sharon: And who's been using that trusting relationship, Lieutenant? You or her?

Andy: I'm sure they're not listening in. That would be so against the rules.

Jon: I'm happy to help out. You just tell me what I can do and I'll have Kiki do it.

Rusty: I feel like m-my life is like... I just, I feel like my life is being sacrificed so that you all can have a trial.
Lt. Louie Provenza: It's tough. We know that. That's why we wanna talk to you about all three ways to deal with these threats.
Assistant: Not three ways. Two ways.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Three.
Assistant: No. No, no.

Andy: Run, Reggie, run! It's in the freezer... Oh, my God. How can you walk away from the refrigerator and not open the freezer?

Andy: Marriage is a beautiful thing, which is why Provenza does it so often.

Louie: Mike, the, uh, dumpster driver was trying to buy a train set for his kids with, uh, the victim's stolen credit card that he found. Charge another one to my card, if you would, and make sure he gets it before we send him on his way.

Jackie: My little sister had nothing to do with anything.
Sharon: That's a shame, 'cause her car was verrry *active* in this crime.

Pete: Wait. Wait! Look, I'm not gonna say anything else until you people tell me that you understand that I never wanted to kill J-ME in the first place.
Sharon: Okay, understood.
Pete: I was just trying to hold my life together the best way I knew how.
Sharon: I think J-ME may have told you the same thing.

Louie: Look, the news is interviewing George Clooney. Oh, wait, it's me.

Assistant: That's the fiction parents fall back on, thinking that we, somehow, can keep our children safe. It's impossible.

Julio: Maybe you won't be directing traffic in San Pedro after all.

Louie: Ah, this is a crappy way to make a living, dealing with the worst the world has to offer without being in charge.
Andy: You weren't in charge for eight years.
Louie: Yeah, but now I'm mad about it.

Andy: Hey, hey, listen to me. Last time you tried to do things your way, it didn't turn out so well. So why not let the professionals have a go at it?
Gus: And you promise me you'll do everything you can to find Paloma? I can trust you to do that?
Andy: On my honor as an L.A.P.D. detective, I swear.

[last lines]
Ricky: It's okay, little brother.
Louie: Happy holidays!
Ricky: What Mom doesn't know won't hurt her.
Rusty: I hope you're right.

Lt. Louie Provenza: Mrs. Vega, I don't think you understand what we're saying here.
Lt. Andy Flynn: If your boy goes back to Mexico...
Rosa: Yes, it's a little sad, but Manuel has made mistakes that he's gonna have to pay for. Look, the answer to your problems is staring you in the face, and we all know it. Hand my son over to the Federales and let justice be done.

[last lines]
Julio: Mom, I'm home.
[sees Mrs. Sanchez]
Julio: You look so pretty.
Ramona: Well, if you're going to move home, the least I can do is dress my best.
[chuckles]
Ramona: I can't believe that you're gonna be living in your old room again. It'll be different now. Now you'll have your own bed; and, maybe when I get better, you stay. Don't unpack now. Come into the den. My show is about to go on. And maybe you can make us some sandwiches. And, Julio, get me some socks. My feet are freezing. Oh, and I can't find the remote control anywhere. I know it's here somewhere, but it's not on the sofa where I like to keep it.
Julio: [as Ramona keeps talking] Hail Mary, full of grace. Our Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Ramona: Julio? Julio? Where are you going?

Jesus: You got my money? The guy told me...
Billy: Yes, I know. $2,000. First thousand up front, second thousand after the message. Have a seat on the couch, please.
Jesus: [sees plastic cover on the couch] This your gram's house, Homes?
Billy: The first $1,000. Count it if you want.
[Jesus counts the money]
Billy: Put the cash back in the plastic baggie, please.
Jesus: What's the matter? You afraid of germs?
Billy: I don't like mess. What's Mr. Stroh want now?
Jesus: Says you haven't scared the boy off with the letters. Says you got one week to figure out how to get rid of either him or the woman. But they're both being watched all the time.
Billy: Yes, I know they're being watched. Did Mr. Stroh tell you where I should acknowledge receipt of this message?
Jesus: What?
Billy: Where do I put my answer to Mr. Stroh? Do you know?
Jesus: Place called Edendale Park, in the creek by the busted fountain.
Billy: All right. Let me get you the rest of your money.
Jesus: Yo, what up? This gonna take long?
Billy: You'll be on your way in just a few. Tell me, did Phillip Stroh give you that message personally?
Jesus: No, I ain't never met him myself.
Billy: Huh. Well, then...
[stabs Jesus in the chest]
Billy: Lucky you. Sorry, it's you instead of Stroh. Kind of sorry.

Assistant: You got an offer in mind?
D.D.A. Emma Rios: How do you feel about Death Row?

Poster: What's going on?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Getting rid of the worst houseguest ever.

Andy: She's smart and dumb at the same time.
Louie: Oh, she's not dumb. She's choosing sides.

Camila: [to Wes Nolan] Let me guess. You struck out with Denver, Miami, and Houston, so you decided to take a swing at Highland Park?

Sharon: So, only the person who killed Bonnie Pearl could've killed your husband in the exact same way.
Louie: And you just described it to us.
Vicky: [furiously] I was protecting my son!
Sharon: Your son isn't a child anymore; he's a well-educated adult who can fend for himself!
Vicky: Oh, shut up!
Sharon: Oh?
Vicky: You shut up! You do NOT understand what I was going through!
Sharon: [stands up lividly] Oh, yes, I do! You're trying so hard to hold on to the life that you've been living!
[Louie watches her in worry as Sharon's cellphone rings]
Sharon: [loses it, shuts the phone off] THAT YOU'RE WILLING TO LET OTHER PEOPLE DIE TO KEEP IT! YOU'RE WILLING TO SACRIFICE A YOUNG WOMAN IN GREAT EMOTIONAL TURMOIL! JUST TO KEEP YOUR LIFESTYLE! YOUR MONEY! YOUR...
[Sharon stops as her condition worsens]
Vicky: [yells back] It wasn't--IT WASN'T MY FAULT!
Louie: [worried, muted sound] Sharon!
[Sharon begins to lose consciousness as everyone watches in shock and as Vicky continues to rant, Sharon collapses on the table]
Vicky: [continues yelling] ... NOTHING TO DESERVE THIS! I WAS THE PERFECT WIFE! HOW WAS ANY OF THIS FAIR TO ME!
Louie: Just keep your mouth shut! You're under arrest for murder! Shut up! Sharon! Sharon! Get in here! Everyone, Buzz, call the paramedics!

Detective: I suggest we get in touch with their high school's buy-guy.
Dr. Morales: Bi-guy?
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Buy, spelled...
D.D.A. Emma Rios,7325: B, U, Y.
Detective: An undercover officer who poses as a student and makes drug buys.
Dr. Morales: Ah, you mean a narc.

Rusty: Oh, come on. You're still married to a guy you haven't lived with for twenty years and you're giving ME break up advice right now?

Tyler: Oh, you know how it is. One minute you're bummin' a cigarette on Santa Monica Boulevard and the next you're wakin' up on Zuma Beach.

Ronald: Look, you need to understand how important this child is to Sarah. I mean, for me too, but the baby was everything. Have you... Do you know where he is? Our baby?
Sharon: No, I'm sorry, but, um, you've been very helpful to us, and as soon as we know something, we'll be in contact.
Ronald: Oh, um...
[sighs]
Ronald: May we stay? Don't make us go home without our son. Please. Not without our son.

Jackson: Apologies for interfering. I just feel kind of sorry for the kid. Can I get you a blanket? You look cold.
Captain: Maybe it's because you've spent more time with Rusty in the past two days than you've spent with our children in five years.
Jackson: Don't start, Sharon. I can't change the past. I can only try to do better.
Captain: Well, maybe part of doing better would be finding an apartment.
Jackson: Aye, Captain. Excuse me.

Rebecca: Um... and... my husband and I both appreciate the personal sacrifice that you've made to give Rusty a home. It's quite, quite admirable... Excuse me.
Detective: Thank you.
Captain: [to Amy, after Rebecca leaves] Oh, I'm sure she means well.

Howard: Well, I'm guessing you want to get into Ed's apartment.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Yes. Yes, we do. Um, is the manager of Lost Horizon around?
Clayton: We call it Shangri-La.
Larry: Mm-hm.
Clayton: "La Shangri-La" if we're feeling festive.

Sharon: Lieutenant, let's get T-Ray an attorney, and you can jump in with Agent Howard.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Don't you think we're moving a little fast on this deal? These guys may have lots more to tell us.
Sharon: We're hearing it, Emma. Just listen.

Patrice: And, Louie, I am very much looking forward to last night's dinner.

Nurse: That's it. You've got it, Lieutenant.
Andy: [sighs] You don't have to keep calling me lieutenant, okay?
Nurse: Ohh, are you gonna arrest me for calling you lieutenant, Lieutenant?

Captain: Thank you for coming in. We appreciate your time.
Ed: Oh, it's the least I could do. I mean, seriously.
Captain: Mr. Winslow, did you just say "I mean, seriously"?

[last lines]
Mike: Per your instructions, I've done a complete data dump.
Fritz: Hey, Mike?
Mike: Mm.
Fritz: Could you do me favor... and keep what I'm about to tell you in complete confidence?
Mike: Sure.
Fritz: Even Brenda can't know this, all right? No kidding around. I gotta know I can trust you.
Mike: Of course you can.
Fritz: I'm taking the back exit. I need you to... meet me downstairs with two aspirin and a bottle of water, and then I need you to drive me to the hospital.
Mike: Wait, can you tell me what's going on.
Fritz: I'm having a heart attack. Meet me out front and take me to the ER at St. Luke's.
Mike: Holy crap... Holy crap. Holy crap. Holy...

Lt. Angel Hayes: If anyone in your deployment uses prostitutes overseas, if he sexually abuses his fellow female soldiers, then he could end up bringing those bad habits back home.

Sharon: Mr. Padilla, we already have two witnesses, Manuel and Carlos Escobedo.
Julio: They saw you go into Dante's garage. They know that you killed him, and they were fine with that, until they found out that you were the one who killed their sister.
Cesar: No.
D.D.A. Andrea Hobbs: [in the monitor room] Come on.
Andy: Hey, this dirtbag lied to us about being a witness for seventeen years. We can lie to him about witnesses for a few minutes.

Louie: Son of a Nutcracker!

Angela: If you breach that door, Eternal Meadows will demand justice for the woman that you are robbing of immortality.
Andy: I think her murderer had something to do with that too.

Mr. Kleiner: If someone doesn't shut him up...
Mr. Baird: What, Mr. Moneybags? Are you gonna take away my polo privileges, huh? Are you gonna hide your Grey Poupon?
Mr. Kleiner: I should've poisoned you instead of Marcella.
Mr. Baird: Buzz?
Buzz: I got it. I got it.
Sharon: I think we can classify that as a spontaneous utterance.

Captain: Lieutenant! I told you what I want done. Do I really need to phrase it as an order?

Ashley: What happened to Brittany?
[grins evilly]
Ashley: I guess you'll just have to wonder about that. Which is more than Martin ever did.

Lt. Louie Provenza: You want some cheese with that "whine"?

Julio: Do not get up without asking me!
Sharon: Julio.
Julio: Just settin' the ground rules, ma'am. I'm not some helpless little girl, okay?

Louie: Ah, keep on eye on Barney Fife here, if you would, in case he decides to walk off with some souvenirs.

Andy: Oh, my God. The penguin is in the freezer! Read the clue again. I mean, where did they find these people?

Chip: Am I being detained?
Andy: No, we're here to order brunch. YES, you're being detained, you moron.

Lt. Andy Flynn: Hold my cleanse.

Andy: I had to say his name. I had to say "Provenza." I had to say it.

Bill: There's a receipt in my kitchen. I save everything. A guy in prison told me that. Keep records, receipts, check stubs, tickets, whatever, just in case. I even saved the rocks. You wa... you want them, too?

Jackson: So what you're telling me is he needs a court-appointed attorney.
Captain: Yes. And the earliest I can get one is tomorrow unless I take you by a judge this morning...
Jackson: Ah! I'm in. I'm in.
Captain: You don't even know the details yet.
Jackson: Yeah, but from the sounds of things, you don't either. Uh, I can get all the essential information from my client. I need to change now. And I need to grab my suit that's hanging up in Rusty's closet. I got to go. Got to select a tie. Oh, and thanks, Sharon. I appreciate it. I really do.

Louie: I think we might just need a snake wrangler to help us with all of our new political friends.

Rusty: I know when people want something from me, and he wants something.

Detective: When the victim, Joe Fox, missed a Skype conference with the East Coast this morning, his business partner came over and found the body tortured with bleach, mutilated, and shut up in the bathroom down the hall.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Really? 'Cause it smells like it's here, in the room.
Detective: Air conditioning was left on. Circulates the odor. S'that gonna be a problem for you?
D.D.A. Emma Rios: No. Just observing how horrible it smells in here. That's all.
Lt. Louie Provenza: [clears throat] Rios, just sit here on the couch.

Lt. Mike Tao: Hey, Andy, about this cleanse... I think I figured out where all your energy's coming from.
Lt. Andy Flynn: Yeah, I told you, it's the Gingko Balboa.
Buzz: And the caffeine.
Lt. Andy Flynn: No way. Give me that.
Lt. Mike Tao: It's right there. Fourth ingredient.
Lt. Andy Flynn: What? That cute girl in the health food store, she said that the...
[Tao and Buzz laugh]
Lt. Andy Flynn: Oh, I'm glad my trying to improve my health amuses you guys so much. Cynical jerks.

Sharon: A very smart person could have watched how the window repairman entered Mr. George's house while he was away.
Julio: Taking this key from above the front door and that's what our witness says he saw happen.
Sharon: He also says that he can identify the person who did it.
D.D.A. Andrea Hobbs: [in the monitor room] I wish we actually had an eyewitness.
Louie: We do, if they think we do.

Lt. Louie Provenza: The Captain and DDA Rios are waiting for you in Chief Taylor's office
Rusty: What for?
Lt. Louie Provenza: [sympathetically] You KNOW what for.

Susan: It's easy money, and I was just trying to find some way for Ryan and me to survive
Andy: And pay for your drug habit.
Susan: Yes. I was strung out back then, but one night we met a man, a nice man. I thought he was a nice man - Henry Jinks. He took an interest in us, and we moved in with him for a while. He had a place in Marina del Rey. Uhh... Not sure you'll understand what happened after that.
Sharon: Doesn't sound that complicated: You needed heroine and a place to stay, and you started sleeping with Henry Jinks.
Susan: No. I didn't sleep with him. Not me.
Louie: My God...

Assistant: Unbelievable! There's no crime we can charge this guy with.
Detective: So we're just gonna let him walk?
Assistant: Well, we can't go around asking people if Frey did horrible things to their kids. We come up short with that, Frey could sue us for destroying his reputation.
Captain: So, let's protect him. Let's put out a press release saying the rumors of molestation are groundless.
Assistant: Wait, wait, hold on. What rumors? There are no rumors.
Captain: You want our media friends to have an alternative to the story about race, right?
Assistant: Would telling reporters that we are trying to head off rumors of child molestation protect us from liability issues?
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Yes, but I don't see how that would help us with this case.
Captain: Not only will it help, but if Frey is the man we think he is, a story saying we've cleared him of sexually assaulting a minor might be our only chance of putting him away.

Julio: You violated parole by purchasing a fake passport card.
Paco: [Looks at the card] It's not even my name on it.
Sharon: We're not pausing to define 'fake' for you, Paco.

Dr. Joe Bowman: One last question. Walk me out.
Rusty: The last question?
Dr. Joe Bowman: If your mom came back today, would you get in a car and drive off with her?
[pause]
Dr. Joe Bowman: Or would you stay where you are with Sharon?
Rusty: I don't know anymore. I-I don't know.
Dr. Joe Bowman: Interesting. Okay. Well, that's good, I think. That's good.

Lt. Louie Provenza: Fine. Just... just tell me how I did.
Rangemaster R. Morton: It's DNQ.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Did not qualify? No, no, no, no! Just hold on one second. I've been shooting here every week for almost the last three months. If I don't qualify by next Friday, I'll be at a desk job for the rest of my career.
Rangemaster R. Morton: And?
Lt. Louie Provenza: And... and look at that one there... right there. I mean, that bullet hole is on the line!
Lt. Louie Provenza: [chuckling] It's on the line.
Rangemaster R. Morton: [stamps "DNQ"] If you end up in a dangerous situation where you're required to be proficient with your firearm, other people could die. You still have four days to get this right. Come back tomorrow.

Nicole: I would invite everyone, but we only have so many tickets.
Louie: Oh, no problem. After five marriages, I know "The Nutcracker" by heart.

ER: Sir, I know that this is hard. Please wait out here while we help her.
Andy: I'm her husband.
ER: Okay, sorry, but we don't allow family to...
Andy: [Showing his badge] Also, I have one of these.

Mike: Jesus Chavez was released from County two days ago after a month inside on a drug bust. Previously arrested for attempted murder, assault, gun charges. Did nine years for armed robbery.
Louie: Oh, so this Jesus was not the son of God.
Mike: Hm, unlikely.

Rusty: Hey, if my mom drinks, or uses again, do they kick her out of AA?
Andy: If they kicked everybody out who fell off the wagon, trust me, those meetings would get really small. Look, kid, seeing how your mom is coming up on two months and hearing how she wants to stay in recovery, I think she said a lot of the right things.
Louie: My philosophy in life: Stay positive.
Rusty: Okay, then, thinking positive, I... I should get a job.
Andy: How does that relate?
Louie: What's the matter? Jobs build character. Did I ever tell you about my first job?
Andy: Cabin boy on the Mayflower? Oh, no, dishwasher at the Last Supper.
Louie: Laugh it up, laugh it up, but I grew up in the... in the '60s. Those were the days, my friends.