The Best Captain Jack Sparrow Quotes

Henry: [from trailer] I saw her ankles.
Captain: You would've seen a lot more if you kept your cakehole shut.

Henry: That's it! I'm going with her!
Captain: You would leave me for some horologist in her knickers?
Henry: Yes!
Captain: You men are all alike!

Uncle: If they disembowel you, ask for Victor, he's got the softest hands.
Captain: Thank you!
Uncle: Mention my name, and they won't cut your feet off.

Captain: I once knew a Spaniard named... something in Spanish.
Henry: El Matador del Mar. 'The Butcher of the Sea'.

Carina: My calculations are precise and true. I'm not just an astronomer. I'm also a horologist.
Captain: No shame in that, dear. We all have to make a living.
Carina: No, I'm a horologist.
Scrum: So was my mum. Although she didn't crow about it quite as loud as you.

Henry: [about shotgun wedding] Wait. Surely... this is not legal.
Captain: This is not legal.
Carina: He's right. Does any man here object to these nuptials?
Captain: I do.
Priest: Congratulations, you may kiss the bride!

Captain: [realizing that Carina is Barbossa's daughter] Smyth? Smyth is quite an unusual name. Did we not once know some one called Smyth?
Captain: Shut your trap!
Captain: What was her name? It's on the tip of me tongue.
Captain: [Unsheathing his sword] Do you want to lose that tongue?
Captain: Margaret Smyth! Should we make an accord then? Or should I tell you-know-who what we both know to be true?
Captain: We both take this secret to our graves!
Captain: Oh! You mean it's true? I was bluffing.
Captain: I'm not!

[Jack is to be executed]
Captain: Guillotine? Sounds French. I love the French! How bad can it be? It's French.
[sees what the guillotine actually is]
Captain: Oh, that bad. I've changed me mind!
[is frog marched up to the guillotine platform]
Captain: You mean I have to walk up stairs as well for this?
[is strapped to a body board]
Captain: Here's an idea, how about a good old-fashioned stoning? I'd kill to be stoned right now!
[gets put in the guillotine]
Captain: I'm not normally one to complain, but this basket is full of heads!

Carina: Give me my diary
Captain: Give me The Map That No Man Can Read
Carina: If you could read it then it wouldn't be called 'The Map That No Man Can Read'
Captain: Most of the men on this ship can't read, which makes all maps 'The Maps That No Man Can Read'
Carina: If you can't read it then you have no use for it, or me

Carina: I'm not looking for trouble!
Captain: What a horrible way to live.

Captain: Tell me what you want.
Captain: I want my compass... 216 barrels of rum, and the monkey.
Captain: You want Jack?
Captain: Dinner. I want to eat him. I want to eat that monkey!
Captain: [gags Sparrow] No deal, Jack. A clever young woman such as that would never believe that a swine like me could ever be her blood.

[Henry meets Jack for the first time]
Henry: Do you even have a ship, a crew... pants?
Captain: A great pirate does not bother with such intricacies.

Captain: [In prison] Uncle Jack?
Uncle: Jackie, boy! How's it goin'?
Captain: [Being held by two guards] Can't complain, really. You?
Uncle: I've been waiting in here all morning for a beating, but the service is terrible.
Captain: Shameful.

Uncle: Have I ever told you about the one with the skeleton?
Captain: Yes, you have, many times...
Uncle: A skeleton goes into a bar, and orders a beer and a mop!
Captain: ...Funny as ever.

Carina: My calculations are precise and true. I'm not only an astronomer, I'm also a horologist.
Captain: No shame in that dear. We all have to earn a living, eh?

Gibbs: Face it, Jack. Bad luck dogs you day and night.
Captain: That is a blatant fabrication!
[Bird poop lands on Jack's shoulder]

Carina: Men on that ship are looking for Jack. And Jack is on this boat. I'm going to swim for it!
Captain: How dare you do exactly what I'd do if I were you?

Henry: [whispers into a jail cell] I need to speak with you.
Captain: [attacks Henry from behind, holding him against the cell door] Hand me your sword.
Henry: I don't have a sword.
Captain: What kind of soldier has no weapon?
Henry: I'm currently wanted for treason.
Captain: So not the very good kind then?
Henry: I'm looking for a pirate, Captain Jack Sparrow?
Captain: [let's go of Henry] Well today's your lucky day. Because I just happen to be Captain Jack Sparrow.
Henry: [in disbelief] No, it can't be. I've spent years searching for... this. The great Jack Sparrow is not some drunk in a cell. Do you even have a ship? A crew... pants?
Captain: A great pirate does not require such intricacies.
Henry: Do you know how long I've been waiting for this moment? The risks I've taken to be here? Are you sure you're *the* Jack Sparrow?
Captain: The real question is, who are you?

Captain: Pirate's life.
[raises glass of rum]

[last lines]
Gibbs: [consulting a map] What be our heading captain?
Captain: We should follow the stars, Master Gibbs.
Gibbs: Aye, AYE, Captain!
[throws the map away]
Captain: I have a rendezvous beyond my beloved horizon...

Captain: Who are you?
Henry: My name is Henry Turner. Son of Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann.
Captain: Ewww. You're the evil spawn of them two.
[pause]
Captain: Does mummy ever ask about me?
Henry: No.
Captain: Oh go on. She call my name in her sleep?
Henry: She never spoke of you.
Captain: Are you sure we're talking about the same people? He's a cursed eunuch. She's golden-haired, stubborn, pouty lips, neck like a giraffe, and two of those wonderful...
Henry: Yes! Yes, it's her.

Captain: Aah! Monkey!