200 Best Danny Masterson Quotes

Steven: Hey, Leo! Huggy Bear called, and he wants his suit back!

Steven: Man, I can't wait! A trip to my favorite place - anywhere but here!

Steven: Yeah, Thanksgiving. We celebrate the subjugation of an indigenous people with yams and Underdog floats.

Jackie: Steven Hyde, you were right. We will never be friends. We'll be *more* than friends. Because now, I love you!
Hyde: Oh, my God! Will you shut up?

[Kelso comes running into the basement]
Michael: Hey, guys! Guess what I got!
Steven: V.D.?
Michael: No! A hundred bucks!
Eric: Money to treat your V.D.?

Steven: Well, I'm fine, so I'm going!
Jackie: Well, I'm fine, too! In fact, I'm superfine!
Michael: No, no, wait! *I'm* superfine! I have a t-shirt that says so!
Donna: You also have a t-shirt that says, "I'm With Stupid", and the arrow is pointing straight up.
Michael: Yeah, I hate that shirt. It doesn't even make sense!
[scoffingly]
Michael: Who's *above* me?

Steven: No. No, man, there is no way I'm going on a date with your ex-girlfriend who's now my girlfriend, and your new girlfriend who doesn't want to be your girlfriend, but is pregnant with your child. That's like, hillbilly territory.
Michael: I'll pay.
Steven: I'm in.

Steven: [to Eric] You're soft.
Donna: [Leaning over to Hyde, and in unison] How soft is he, Hyde?
Steven: [pauses] Softer than Liberace at the Playboy mansion.
[They all start laughing again]

[Kelso's superhero fantasy]
Michael: [as Batman] Okay, Super Pals, I'm gonna need a status report.
Steven: [as a Wonder Twin, stops making out with Wonder Twin Jackie] My sensors indicate peace and quiet throughout the universe.
Fez: [as Aquaman] The oceans are secure, but I can't check for another 45 minutes because I just ate.
Eric: [as Superman, entering with Donna as Wonder Woman] Hey, guys!
Michael: Oh, no! You've been brainwashed and forced to wear this hideous ring!
Donna: Actually, its a gift.
Steven: Worst form of gift ever!
[holds his fist out to the side]
Jackie: [as the other Wonder Twin] Shape up!
[to Wonder Twin Hyde]
Jackie: I hope he kept the receipt.
Eric: Alien zombies are attacking the Earth! Let's swing into action, gang!
Michael: Hold it, we're still on this ring.
Steven: Are you sure it's not an alien artifact?
Donna: I got it at the mall!
Reginald: [Red appears on the video monitor] Greetings, dumbasses!
Eric: Uh-oh! It's Dr. Bald!
Reginald: My army of alien zombies is invading! Good Lord, that is an *ugly* ring! Alien zombies, get a load of that ring!
Eric: That's it! This thing's coming off!
Steven: Careful, man! You drop something that big and heavy, it'll throw off the Earth's rotation! We'll all go crashing into the sun!
Michael: Yeah! Way to use science in a burn!

Steven: Leo, man, I can't take the pictures; I can't look through the viewfinder because I have a glass eye.
Leo: How come your eye doesn't look like glass?
Steven: It's special space age glass.
Leo: Wow, your eye was in space? That's AWESOME!

Eric: Hey, would you guys respect me if I got a job at the town dump?
Donna: Town dump, no. State dump?... Why are you getting a job, anyway?
Eric: Everything costs money. Gas, clothes, fun...
Michael: Dates. Dates cost money.
Fez: No, Kelso. That is prostitution.
Steven: Dates *are* prostitution, man, except you don't always get what you paid for.
Donna: Says the man who's never had a girlfriend.
Steven: Hey, you guys remember Andrea, the biker chick?
Eric: Whatever happened to her?
Steven: [proud] She's dating my uncle.

[Hyde, Fez, Randy and Kelso are in the Formans' basement. Samantha enters, wearing a genie costume]
Samantha: Okay, I'm working on an bit for my new act. What is sexier? This genie costume, or my naughty stewardess outfit?
Steven: Sam! What did I tell you about parading around half-naked in front of my friends? If you're gonna do it, you've gotta charge 'em!

Steven: I think Donna and Forman finally made the beast with two backs.
Eric: Well, Hyde, I'm not saying yes and I'm not saying no, but... I'm *especially* not saying no!

Michael: You want to see Fez and Eric run around? Someone might get hurt. It's funny when people get hurt.
Steven: Especially when they're in their underwear.
Jackie: Michael, the only one dumb enough to get hurt around here is you.
Michael: Okay, Jackie, I'm really starting to get sick-
[cuts his finger on soda can]
Michael: OWW!

Steven: So, what do I do here, anyway?
Leo: Well, I don't expect a lot, man. Like, pretty much, if the hut doesn't burn down, it's been a good day. And even if it burnt down, man, it's cool, 'cause I got three or four more of these little huts somewhere.

[to Kelso]
Steven: Man, if you get any dumber, you're going to need a helmet.

Kitty: Trade you a kiss for a lollipop.
Steven: I don't need that kid stuff.
[walks to door with everyone, waits until they leave, then turns around and runs back to Kitty, giving her a kiss and taking the lollipop]

Steven: We're part of an elite, high school terrorist team: Strike Force Wisconsin!

Michael: [Kelso needs money to buy Jackie a Valentine's Day gift] I am not sellin' blood. There is no way that anything inside of my body's comin' out for cash.
Eric: That's too bad, Kelso, 'cause I hear there's this clinic in Madison that'll pay you for your, um, "manly donations".
Michael: [confused at first] "Manly donations"? No way! They'll pay you for that? Well, I'll do *that*! I'm good at *that*!
Michael: [later he comes back, bragging] Easiest money I ever made. They paid me 50 bucks for my "underpants navy".
Steven: You mean your "corduroy commandos"?
Fez: Yeah, your "team from the inseam"?
Eric: Your "battlepants galactica"?
Eric: [everyone congratulates Eric on a 'good one'] It just came to me. Thank you.

Jackie: [Kelso arrives after his day at the Police Academy] Michael, you got another 'D' on a test? Isn't this your fourth 'D' in a row?
Michael: Yeah. It's just on the Penal Code stuff. "Criminals have the right to an attorney, criminals are innocent until proven guilty". Just crazy liberal gibberish.
Steven: [to Fez] What are you laughin' at?
Fez: He said 'Penal Code'.
Jackie: Fez, it doesn't mean that. It's from the word 'penalty'. 'Penal'.
Steven: [Fez can't control his giggling] You're like a four-year-old. It's a legal term: 'Penal'.
Steven: [now Hyde is laughing, too] It's kinda funny.
Brooke: [Brooke comes in] Hey, guys. Hey, Michael, how'd your Penal Code test go?
Michael: [Hyde and Fez can't control their laughter as Kelso lies to impress Brooke] I did great. I got another 'B'.
Brooke: Oh, that's your fourth 'B' in a row! I'm so proud of you! Can I see it?
Michael: [suddenly on the spot] Uh... uh, you could, but, uh, I didn't write anything down, 'cause the test was, uh, oral.
Steven: [bursting with laughter] Oral test on the Penal Code!

Michael: In the morning, my Dad and I picked the carrots fresh off the trees
Steven: Kelso, carrots don't... That's good, go with that.

Steven: Seriously, Jackie, don't you have something to say?
Jackie: Like what?
Steven: I don't know... "I'm a spoiled, crazy, whack job and I'm sorry?"
Fez: That's no way to talk to a lady.
Michael: Especially a spoiled, crazy, whack job that's likely to get you killed!
Reginald: [entering] Oh, my God! There's a hundred morons in my basement! Not even *that's* going to ruin my day.
Eric: Yes! Only one, and *one* man only, has the power to do that! 'Tis I!
Reginald: No, not even *you* can do that. And who the hell talks like that?
Kitty: Red, honey, you were happy, remember?
Reginald: Today's the first day of winter and I'm going fishing.
Kitty: I'll come too. I'll grab my fishing stick.
Reginald: I don't want to go.
Kitty: Why not?
Reginald: Because I don't want you to go.
Michael: [using a golf club to mimic a pump shotgun] Burn!

[Kelso is talking with Hyde, trying to make him reconcile with Jackie]
Michael: Look, Hyde, I know you don't wanna tell Jackie that you're sorry, but... there's gotta be some things that you did that you wish you hadn't done. Like that time that you told me to eat that stuff, and I didn't know what it was, and then you licked your lips and you rubbed you stomach, and you were like, "Mmm, it's really good, Kelso". And then I ate it and then I wished I hadn't have done that.
Steven: Yeah... well, maybe with Jackie I was sort of impetuous and maybe a little rash.
Michael: [nods] Now, see, that's something that Jackie oughta know.
[some time later]
Michael: Hyde says that he was sort of infectious and he has a rash.
Jackie: [confused] What?
Michael: I'm just telling you what he said.
Jackie: Alright. Look, Michael, Steven's the one who messed up the relationship. He thought you and I were together, but he was just wrong. He fabricated the whole mess.
Michael: Well, somebody ought to make that clear.
[some time later]
Michael: Jackie wants you to know that there was a mess 'cause she was wearing the wrong fabric.
Steven: [confused] That can't be what she said.
Michael: It's word for word, man.
Steven: Kelso, would you get outta here?
Michael: What? I'm helping.
Steven: You're making me wanna kick your ass!
Michael: [angrily] That better be the rash talking!
[Kelso leaves. Hyde throws the basketball at his back]

Reginald: Look. What Eric and Steven did was bad. But, you sneaking around with Kelso? That's just unpleasant.
Laurie: But, Daddy, I'm not seeing Kelso.
Steven: Untrue!
Eric: A damnable lie!

Steven: Forman, man, you've gotta be cool about this Donna thing, or she's gonna know you're jealous. You can't be all Simon and Garfunkely. You've gotta get Bruce Springsteeny... Springsteenian... Springsteenicious.

[Hyde, Jackie and Fez are listening to Kelso]
Michael: Okay, Jackie. There are some things I haven't been honest about that I feel like you should know.
Jackie: [nods] Okay.
[Jackie looks at Hyde and Fez]
Jackie: Why are they here?
Michael: Well, Hyde helpfully pointed out that it's not really honesty unless your friends are allowed to watch.
[Hyde smiles]
Michael: So, anyway, I made a list.
Steven: [to Jackie] The list was my idea.
Michael: Thank you for that, Hyde. Okay, so let's just get started. Um, that picture you saw of me in kindergarten? Those weren't puffy pants. It was a big-boy diaper.
[Hyde and Fez chuckle. Some time later: ]
Michael: ...and that time you came out of the shower and you thought you saw a flash? I *did* take your picture. This one time you asked me if you had anything in your teeth and you did, but I said no, 'cause it's funnier that way.
[Hyde is enjoying. Jackie's expression becomes more and more sour. Some time later: ]
Michael: ...when we were about to fool around and I said that I washed my hands? But, really, I just got done playing with, like, six dogs.
[Jackie looks at Hyde, who barely suppresses his laughter. Fez looks disgusted]
Michael: But, that's not as bad...
Jackie: [sharply] All right, Michael, stop! Okay, Michael, I think we need to work on *selective* honesty.
Fez: [disgusted] Yes, that and basic hygiene. Seriously, good God, man.
[Fez leaves]
Jackie: Okay, Michael, unless one of your secrets involves kissing a girl, I don't need to know about it.
[Jackie walks to the door]
Michael: Okay. All right.
Michael: [to Hyde] Oh, science fact: dogs are cleaner than humans.
[Kelso and Jackie leave]

Eric: I love the Bradys. Hey, did you ever see the one where Mr. Brady went insane and put bells on all the doors?
[both Eric and Hyde laugh]
Red: Hey, did you ever see the one where Greg was a real wise-ass, so Mr. Brady took him outside and cleaned his clock?
Laurie: Did you ever see the one where I hated living here?
[Laurie storms out]
Hyde: That one's my favorite.

Steven: Hey, Forman, you have any naked pictures of your Grandma?
Eric: [shocked] No!
Steven: [hands him a box of old photography supplies and laughs diabolically] You do now!

[Kelso is sitting on the basement couch, reading a book. Fez and Hyde enter from Hyde's room]
Steven: Kelso, what the hell are you doing with a book?
Michael: Reading.
[Hyde and Fez snicker]
Michael: I am reading, 'cause what good is having brains if you got nothing up here?
[Kelso taps his skull. Jackie comes down the stairs]
Jackie: Hey.
[Jackie and Hyde kiss, then sit down]
Jackie: So, I saw my Dad in prison today.
Steven: Oh. How was it?
Jackie: Well, first it was a real downer. Then I realized that I'll be okay without my Dad because the SAT proved that there's another man who could take care of me.
Steven: You'd better be talking about Santa Claus.
Jackie: No, Steven, I'm talking about you, because you have potential.
Michael: He doesn't have potential. *I* have potential. Like, I'm reading "Moby Dick", and I'm not even halfway through, and I can already tell you the ending: the whale is a robot.

Michael: I can't believe I'm the stooge.
Jackie: Michael, it's just the way some people are, okay? Some people are lazy, some people are clumsy, some people are stooges.
Steven: You're lucky enough to be all three.

[Red, Kitty and Bob are furious at Eric and Donna for lying to the pastor that they are virgins]
Kitty: [sarcastically] Oh, look! It's Eric and Donna! Did everyone know they're virgins?
[awkward silence. Hyde looks funnily at Eric and Donna]
Kitty: I think I wanna be a virgin too. Hey, everyone! I'm a virgin! Ha-ha-ha! Well, I said that, so it must be true.
Eric: OK, I know this seems really bad, but I've got a really simple way to fix that: just start going to a different church. Hey, how about that one where they sing more and let you marry, like, six people?
Steven: Hey, Red, tell me the story about how Eric and Donna had to stand up in front of the whole church and pretend to be virgins.
Reginald: [angrily] Once upon a time, two dumbasses went to church and brought shame upon their entire family, and their father had to hear about it the whole damn car ride home!
Steven: That's a great story. It's scary, but it's funny, too.

Steven: Mother of God, I think I love you.
Chrissy: Love is an outdated concept used by industrialists to keep women subservient.

Leo: Wow, business really picked up with those "buy one, get one free" coupons.
Steven: Yeah, because you forgot the "buy one" part.

Jackie: [angrily] Michael, Steven just told me that instead of buying me a dress, you spent my 50 dollars on this stupid machine!
[Kelso looks accusingly at Hyde]
Steven: [to Jackie] Jackie, I did not.
[Hyde looks at Kelso, smiling]
Steven: [chuckles] Oh, yeah... I did.
Michael: Jackie, listen. There's an old saying: "You buy a girl a dress, and she looks pretty for one night. But you buy her boyfriend a pinball machine, and she looks pretty for life".
Jackie: Okay. Here's another old saying, Michael: "You're dumb as dirt".
Eric: That's true. That was in the yearbook.
Michael: Okay! Okay! All right. Listen, listen. So, I bought a half stake in this machine, all right? So, that means for every quarter I put into it, I get half back. That's a 50% profit!
Fez: Uh, actually, Kelso, I think that's a 50% loss.
Michael: Fez, I know it's hard for a foreigner to understand our complicated capitalist system. But we're dealing with quarters here, not frogs or chickens.
Fez: Well, I'm not going to dignify that with a response... because I can't think of one. But, when I do, a good day to you!

[Hyde explains how he and Jackie got together]
Steven: It was obvious she wanted me.
[Hyde reminisces]
Jackie: I want you.
Steven: It's obvious.

Steven: [irritatedly, as Laurie appears to win a round] This is completely unsatisfactory! In fact...
[points at Eric]
Steven: YOU SUCK!

Michael: Ever since Jackie left, I'm no good at pinball.
Fez: You were never good at pinball.
Steven: Let's look at the bright side of not having Jackie. First, no Jackie. Second, now you can do all the things that you could never do when you were with her, man. Which was, at last count... everything!
Michael: Oh, man. You're right. Y'know, Jackie never ever wanted me to, like, cheat on her, or grow a beard and I always wanted to. And now I can let this grow out.
[he strokes his chin]
Fez: May I grow one, too?
Michael: I dunno, Fez. The two of us growin' beards together - isn't that kinda girly?
Fez: Well, I just figure, the more the hairier.
[Fez enjoys his own pun, but realizes no one else is laughing]
Fez: Oh, I'm surrounded by idiots.

Michael: You owe me money.
Jackie: Michael, your uncle gave you that van for free.
Michael: Yeah? Well, I put a lot of money into that van. The shag carpeting, the 8-track, strobe light, black light, red light.
Jackie: I hate you!
Michael: Well, I hate you more!
Jackie: I hate you *most*!
Michael: Well, I hate you the... Damn it!
Steven: All right. All right. Let's just act like adults and treat this like what it really is - a divorce.
Fez: Oh, Jackie, you get custody of me.
Steven: All right. Let's just figure out what you guys owe each other.
Jackie: Fine. I'm not afraid. I'm right, and he's a total moocher.
Michael: I'm not afraid, either. There are laws to protect a man and his van.
Steven: For instance, the Man-Van Act of 1847.
Michael: Right!
Steven: [takes a notepad and starts writing] All right. All right. Jackie, in your opinion, what are the goods and services that Kelso owes you for?
Jackie: Everything! He was a total doofus before I met him. In fact, I bought you that belt, so, hand it over. And the shirt, too.
Michael: Fine. You know, this shirt has bad memories of you buying me stuff anyway.
[Kelso takes off his shirt and gives it to Jackie]
Fez: [takes the notepad from Hyde] Here, let me do the math. Okay. Now, Kelso. Uh, Kelso owes Jackie the price for breaking her beautiful heart and stealing her innocence. Now, Kelso, what do you believe Jackie owes you?
Michael: Well... uh... w... One time I told her that she looked pretty when really she looked pretty skanky.
[angrily, Jackie slaps Kelso on his bare chest]
Michael: And... and... Hyde, help me out here.
Steven: Okay. Let me think. Oh! Don't forget he burned your house.
Michael: Hyde!
Steven: Dude, you burned her house.

Fez: If Hyde's right and the Feds are outside, we have to dispose of the evidence.
Eric: [During the second circle] Good job disposing of the evidence guys.
Michael: Eric, you better take this seriously. We have a lot of evidence to dispose of. Even more than at the Pink Floyd concert.
Fez: Without all the smoke machines and lasers this is just like punishment.
Steven: I never thought I'd say this, but I wish I had more people to share this with.

Jameson: [to a cow] Oh, like you wouldn't eat us if you had the chance.

Steven: [Getting ready to tow the canoe with Kelso in it] Don't you ever think we're getting too old for this kind of stuff?
Michael: No way - you can't control the timing of when a canoe is going to come into your life!

Steven: [During the fourth circle] The Feds have ruined the circle, man.
Michael: The circle's what's keeping us sharp. If it wasn't for the circle, we wouldn't have known the Feds were after us, planning our every move. I say "thank you" for the circle.

Jackie: Laurie makes me so mad! I just want to rip out her hair, show it to her, and hope it doesn't grow back! I hate her!
Hyde: Jackie, that's what she wants. She feeds on your anger, man. It only makes her stronger.
Jackie: Well, then, what am I supposed to do?
Hyde: If you really want to get under her skin, you have to be Zen.
Jackie: Zen? Okay, you can't just make up words, Hyde.
Hyde: No, man, Zen. At peace. Aloof. Zen.
Jackie: Oh. Okay, then. Hyde, will you teach me how to be Zen?
Hyde: You can't just teach someone to be Zen, Jackie. You can only *learn* to be Zen.
Jackie: Okay, I don't understand.
Hyde: Exactly. And that's your first lesson.
Jackie: Huh?

Eric: [Kelso has borrowed a car from his cousin, Sully] Why does Sully have a statue of the Virgin Mary on his dashboard?
Michael: Maybe he's, like, religious or something.
Steven: Wasn't Sully in prison for arson?
Michael: Yeah. People who burn stuff believe in God, too, Hyde.
Steven: Why does his keychain say, "I Love Bingo"?
Fez: Sully must love bingo.
Eric: All right. I'm starting to think that this isn't Sully's car.
Michael: Then whose car is it?
[Police siren wails behind them and they stare forward in shock]

Fez: What is Punk, anyways?
Steven: Punk is the nihilistic outcry against the corporate rock and roll takeover. It's the soundtrack to the revolution, man.
Eric: I thought you said Blue Öyster Cult was the soundtrack to the revolution.

Jackie: I just want to listen to the guitar solo one more time.
Steven: Not again! Put the headphones on!
[Jackie holds up the cord, plugs it in and then puts on the headphones]
Steven: Now, wrap it around your neck.

Laurie: Well, that's not as bad as when I walked in on you, in bed with your Dorothy Hamill poster, and you were all...
Eric: LAURIE WAS BORN WITH A TAIL!
Steven: *What*?
Eric: Yeah! Laurie was born with a tail!
Laurie: I HATE YOU!

Steven: See, Fez, you take all the partially consumed drinks. You mix them together to form one giant uber-drink. In this case, Tom Wallbanger Bloody Sunrise On The Beach!

Reginald: [Hyde arrives unexpectedly at the Forman breakfast table] Steven, it's seven-damn-thirty in the morning. What the hell are you doing here?
Kitty: Red, be nice.
Kitty: [after a considerable pause] Steven, we're waiting.
Steven: Oh. I've been living in the basement.
Eric: Y'know, I did notice a dusting of curly hair on the floor, but I just wrote it off to my changing teenage body.

Melanie: That is a great beard. I've never made out with a guy with a beard before.
Steven: Well, today is your lucky day.
Melanie: You want to go up to my room?
Steven: Absolutely!
[Melanie takes Hyde's arm, but he doesn't move]
Steven: Actually, I can't.
Melanie: If you change your mind, me and a few of the other girls will be in the shower.
[she leaves]
Fez: [to Melanie] I can go! My name is Fez! Don't pretend you don't see me!
Steven: What did I just do, man? I turned down a sure thing because of Jackie!
Fez: And you don't know what she's doing at Marquette. Or who.
Steven: Shut up!
Fez: I bet if she was doing it, you would cry, because you love her.
Steven: If you don't shut up, you're gonna become the first person to touch his chin to his ass!
Fez: Have you been spying on me?

[Jackie, Donna and Hyde chide Kelso for not taking responsibility for Brooke's baby]
Steven: Kelso, you know what you should do, but your not gonna do it because you're too much of a tool.
Michael: You know what? It's real easy to talk about the right thing to do when it's not your life!
[Kelso walks away. Hyde looks after him disgustedly]
Steven: Tool.
Jackie: Oh, Steven. You're sensitive to this because your father ditched you, too. This is so foxy.
Steven: Hey, why don't we go down to my room? Tell you about the time my mom got so loaded on mouthwash, she lost our rent money at the track.
[Jackie nods excitedly. She and Hyde hug each other and enter the house]

Kitty: [Discussing possible retirement activities with Red] Well, you know, you could take a trip. When Amy O'Brien's husband retired, they went to see the nutcracker museum in Rhode Island. We don't have to go some place that fancy, but there is that cave in West Virginia I've been wanting to see.
Steven: That's a good idea, Red. You and Kitty should travel. You know, see the world.
Reginald: I saw the world when I was in the Navy. It shot at me.

Michael: You guys are making a pretty good case that I'm the stooge.
Steven: Well, if you're not, there's a guy who's about to step on a rake that I really wanna meet.

Steven: [the first circle] Is Red still thinking of giving you the car, man?
Michael: Even if we do get it, we're gonna need serious gas money because the Cruiser's a boat.
Eric: I know the Cruiser's a boat. This whole gas shortage bites!
Fez: Who's getting a boat?
Steven: There's no such thing as a gas shortage, man! Its all fake! The oil companies control everything! Like, I heard about this guy who invented a car that runs on water, man! It's got a fiberglass, air-cooled engine and it runs on water!
Fez: So, it is a boat?
Steven: No! It's a car, only you put water in the tank instead of gas!
Michael: [laughing] I haven't heard of this car. Hey, Jackie's good for gas money!
Eric: You are such a whore!
Fez: When does the boat get here, whore?

Steven: [explaining why he doesn't go to church] While I respect the Judæo-Christian ethic, as well as the Eastern philosophies and, of course, the teachings of Muhammad, I find that organized religion has corrupted those beliefs to justify countless atrocities throughout history. If I were to attend church, I'd be a hypocrite.

Steven: Jackie... I love you.
Jackie: [long silence] Yeah, well, I don't love you.

[to Eric]
Michael: Man, that is one big, bad-ass ring. Hey, maybe people will think that you won the Super Bowl!
Steven: Nah, nobody will believe that. But he *could* be the sick little boy that the whole team rallies around.

Jackie: Oh, everything is set for the party tonight! Oh, and Fez, I need you to get there a little early so you can park everyone's cars.
Fez: Sorry, Jackie, I can't make it.
Jackie: What?
Fez: Yeah. Kelso and I have to find an apartment tonight, or Red is going to kill me in my sleep.
Michael: Yeah, and I can't let Fez go alone.
Jackie: Why not?
Michael: 'Cause then I'll have to go to your party, which I don't want to do.
Steven: Oh, no, no. Kelso, you have to go. If you're not there, and Fez is not there, it's gonna be pretty damn obvious that I'm not there.
Jackie: Okay, Steven. I understand you don't like dinner parties, but just let me make my case.
[Jackie kicks Hyde's ankle]
Steven: [winces painfully] Ohh!
Jackie: [firmly] You're going!

Steven: Red, I'm sorry about your Mom and I'm sorry Kelso's an idiot.

Donna: Hey, Fez.
Fez: Hello, Donna. Now, tell me which one of these ladies is easy?
Tina: Donna, your creepy friends are playing with Dad's stereo.
Donna: [to unseen characters] Guys, you can't go in the house!
Fez: [to Tina] Hello, pretty lady with the eyes like the sea.
Tina: Hi!
Donna: She's not a pretty lady! She's my sister, and she's 14.
Fez: You know, in my country...
Steven: It's illegal here.

[Jackie is beating up Laurie after one insult too many]
Donna: Whatever happened to Zen?
Steven: Where Zen ends, ass-kicking begins.

Steven: Well, I'm done with Jackie and I feel like a guy who had a 95-pound mole removed. A 95-pound, Donny-Osmond-loving, shoe-shopping, ice-capade-attending mole.

Fez: I have a question Hyde. How much masturbation is too much?
Steven: There's no such thing as too much, Fez.

Steven: [after seeing Donna leave] I guess Donna didn't take it very well.
Red: Take what well?
[Turns around to look at Kelso]
Michael: Eric made out with Kate.
Red: Anything else?
Fez: Your son is a whore.

Bud: You know, Steven, I've really improved since I stopped drinking. I got a new job and a new apartment. I even got a color TV.
Steven: Color TV. Wow. I remember when I was a kid, I didn't even have a father.
[walks out of the room]

Jackie: So, hey. Maybe a good way to break the ice would be for everyone to tell a few things about themselves. I'll go first. I like make-up and diets, and Steven, here, likes black things and throwing stuff at glass.
Brooke: Okay. Well, I was valedictorian in my class, I run marathons, and I tutor kids in Latin.
Michael: Well, I egged the valedictorian of my class. And a marathon runner. Oh, and some kids that took Latin!
Steven: This is fun.

Steven: [Eric is carrying a red plastic light saber] You know that's not a real weapon?
Eric: I know.
Steven: Not even if you really, really believe.
Eric: I don't.
[Hyde walks away]
Eric: Don't let me down, baby!
[He kisses the light saber]

Kitty: [about Hyde's brownies] Well, I know Steven put the special ingredient in.
Eric: I told him not to!
Hyde: [At the same time] Special ingredient?
Kitty: Of course! Love!
Hyde: Yes, ma'am, Mrs. Forman. There's a whole big bag of love in here.

Fez: I'm so excited to see "Star Whores"!
Steven: No, Fez. It's "Star *Wars*".
Fez: Screw that!

Donna: Jackie, if there were ever a game show called "Make That Girl Cry", I'd go on with you.
Steven: Oh, we would SO win that car!

[Hyde and Eric walk into the bowling alley. Jill is sitting in a chair]
Steven: Jill, what are you doing here?
Eric: All right. I confess. 'Twas me. I asked Jill to meet us here. Jill, Hyde's my friend. That's no reason to break up with him.
Jill: What? He broke up with me. He said he had to spend time with you because of some brain inflammation that makes you act like a dillhole.
[Hyde looks uncomfortable]
Eric: But... I don't have a brain thing.
Steven: He forgets he has it. It's part of the disease.

Steven: Yesterday, in the basement, I had the worst trip I've ever had!
Leo: Well I don't care how bad your trip was, you better have brought me a snow globe or something!

[the bartender sees Hyde]
Bud: Hey, you look kinda familiar. Do I know you?
Steven: I should hope so... Dad.

Steven: [admitting to Jackie, after years of saying that he hated her] I love you.

Steven: [Kelso, having just been pleasantly assaulted by Jackie, returns and takes off his shirt, revealing a hickey] She Hoovered your chest, man!

Eric: Poor, little, tough guy hiding behind his bluster.
Steven: Shut up, Forman, I'm fine!
Michael: Sounds like someone needs a tickle.
Fez: No, I'm okay.
Eric: We're your best friends and we're not going to let you go through this alone!
Michael: Eric's right!
[climbs over the couch]
Michael: We're going to do something that *guys* do!
Fez: A massage train?
Michael: No!
[to Hyde]
Michael: So, we got you a present.
Steven: [Cut to the circle] This is a great present, guys! I especially like the teeny, white paper you wrapped it in.
Michael: The only thing that could ruin today is if the Russians set off the Russian Death Ray that's pointed at the White House. No, seriously! I read it in a magazine!
Eric: Kelso, that was The Flash and it's a comic book.
Fez: I love comic books. Sometimes I wish I had thought bubbles. Do you see anything?
Steven: The Russians don't have a death ray, man, but they *do* have a stupid ray and it's pointed right at you.
Michael: They *do* have a death ray and I'll prove it. Where's the phone?
Eric: Kelso, I'm not allowed to make long distance calls without permission.
Michael: They've got me on hold. Oh, and they're playing the theme song to the President.
Eric: "Hail To The Chief".
Michael: Thank you, Eric, but I'm trying to enjoy the President's theme song!

Eric: Okay, guys. Road trip checklist. Car: Check. Okay. We're good.
Fez: Is there anything about Canada we need to know before we get there?
Steven: Well, the beer is stronger and as a result, their women look prettier.
Fez: Then let's haul ass to Canada!
Eric: Okay. Shh. Fez, if my Dad finds out that we're going to Canada, uh, for beer, no less, he's gonna start killing people, okay? People like us. So, keep it down.
Michael: [Runs up to the guys, yelling at the top of his voice] All right! Canada! Whoo-hoo! Beer!
[blows his air horn]
Eric: Kelso, you're not going.
Michael: What! Why not?
Steven: Because this is a risky mission and you tend to screw these things up.
Michael: That is a damnable lie!
Eric: Okay. Kelso, remember that time we were gonna put a flaming bag of dog poop in front of Principal Pridwell's door, and you lit it in the car on the way over?
Michael: Yeah, I wanted to see it all flamey.
Eric: And then you panicked and stepped on it.
Michael: Eric, it was on fire!
Eric: Okay, You're not going.
Michael: No, no, no. Fine. I won't use the air horn, and I'll pay for the gas and the beer.
Eric: I can't stay mad at you. Come on, you big lug.
Leo: [already sitting in the back seat of the car] Hey, dudes.
Steven: Leo, man! What are you doin' here?
Leo: Sittin'. What are you doin' here?
Steven: We're goin' to Canada to buy beer.
Leo: Canada? Cool, man. I spent some time up there during 'Nam.
Eric: Oh. Conscientious objector, huh?
Leo: No, I didn't mind. Hey, a road trip sounds good, man, but I don't want nothin' to do with that beer. That stuff will mess with your mind, man.

Jameson: Tell Abby? What you talking about? You ain't gonna tell Abby shit. You just got away with it dude. You think every time I drive drunk I get home and I call the cops? No. I pull over, I pick up the mailbox I just knocked over, throw it in my trunk and I keep moving.

Kitty: Oh, I'm sorry I'm so grumpy - it's just that I got a manicure yesterday and Red still hasn't said anything.
Steven: Hey, you really want him to notice you? You should get drunk and do donuts on his lawn!

Steven: You'd be surprised how quickly 'skeezy bar hag' gets tiring; but then, two beers later it all comes roaring back!

Ted: Visitors Week is great! There's a dorm party, tons of beer, tons of chicks...
Steven: Hey, man. All I need is one beer and two chicks.

Eric: Donna, I am so glad you came.
Donna: I only came because my Mom made me, okay?
Steven: [Comes in to greet Donna] Donna, alright, good to see you. I got you some pie.
Donna: I don't want any stupid pie.
[Leaves]
Steven: What? I didn't kiss her!

Frank: Hey! You! Buy something, or get out! I have a big wedding coming in.
Steven: Frank, you don't have a big wedding coming in.
Frank: Oh. Did I say I have a big wedding? What I meant to say was: Buy something, or get out!

Michael: Man, I wish Jackie would loosen up. She's throwing a great party down here and she's missing it!
Fez: Kelso, you don't get it, huh? This party meant the world to Jackie, and you crapped on it.
Steven: Alright, ease up on Kelso, huh?
Michael: Thanks, Hyde.
Steven: [sarcastically] Yeah, so you did something horrible. But, it's Jackie, so who cares?
Michael: No, wait. What are you saying?
Steven: I'm saying you burned her, man. Royally. Nice job!
Michael: But, no, man! I didn't want to burn her! I invited all these people to her party so it would be fun! To make it good!
Fez: She didn't want a good party. She wanted *her* party.
Michael: You know what? You're right, Fez. Alright, this party's over! Everybody out!
Eric: No, Kelso! What are you saying, man? Think!
Michael: You know what, guys? For the first time in my life, I think I am thinking!
[Kelso throws his lit cigar in the trashcan]
Michael: You know, I'm in danger of ruining the greatest thing that's ever happened to me and I am not going to let that happen.
[Eric, Hyde and Fez bend forward to look at the trash can erupting into flames]
Steven: Kelso...
Michael: Do not interrupt me, this is important! From now on, I'm going to put Jackie's needs first and she's going to be *so* proud of me!
[Hyde points to the trash can. Kelso finally notices the fire]
Michael: Whoa!
[Kelso foolishly pours his brandy on the fire in an attempt to put it out. Naturally, the alcoholic drink nourishes the fire]
Michael: Whoa, man! This is a rager! Give me your brandies!
[Kelso grabs their glasses and pours more brandy on the fire]
Michael: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Fez: [in the Circle in the basement] I don't want to get into a religious argument, but my god can kick your God's ass.
Steven: God is dead, man. It said so in Time Magazine.
Leo: No, man. I sat next to God once on the bus. He told me the meaning of life and then he gave me a pretzel.
Steven: So, what's the meaning of life, man?
Leo: Uh - yeah. I guess I should'a written it down. But it was a good pretzel, man!
Eric: Maybe this life doesn't even matter, y'know. Maybe we're not even here. Or, no, maybe I'm here, but you're not.
Eric: [suddenly desperate and feeling alone] Hello?
Michael: Y'know what the best thing God ever did was? Boobs!
Fez: Yes. And God said, "Let there be boobs!" and then there were boobs.
Steven: Hey, if God is all-powerful, can he make a boob so big that even *he* can't lift it?
Leo: That's a good question, man. I'll ask him next time I'm on the bus.

[Kelso is sitting on the couch, wearing only his undershorts, shivering cold. Hyde is still calculating what Jackie and Kelso owe each other. Fez is playing with a yo-yo]
Michael: I'm cold.
Fez: That must be why your nipples are so pointy.
[Kelso slaps Fez's arm]
Fez: Oh, "Pointy Nipple Man" is mad. I hope he doesn't poke me with his pointy nipples.
Steven: All right, that was really disturbing. Okay. Here we go. According to my calculations: for repairs to the van, Jackie, you owe Kelso $65.
Michael: [triumphantly] Aha! Justice!
Steven: Yeah. And, Kelso, you owe Jackie $8,265.
[Kelso is shocked to hear that]
Jackie: [triumphantly] Aha! Pay up, moocher!
Michael: Wha-wha... no! No! This is... That's totally unfair! Hyde, you suck.
Steven: You could have been a man and forgiven her. But, no, you wanted to do the math.
Michael: Man, math has never been my friend. Wait. No. But she had other guys in my van!
Jackie: Michael, *you* had other girls in your van while we were dating! So, give me my $8,000!
Michael: Okay. I change my mind. I forgive you.
[Jackie glares at Kelso]

[Red, Kitty, Hyde and Samantha are in the kitchen, having breakfast. Hyde is reading the newspaper]
Samantha: You know I hate it when you read the paper while I'm sitting right here next to you!
Steven: [indifferently] Yeah. That's why I'm doing it, honeybunch.
Samantha: Why don't you read your horoscope? I bet it says you won't be getting *any*!
[Samantha storms out of the kitchen]
Steven: [loudly] Oh, here's my horoscope: "You'll find yourself living with a *bitch*!"

Donna: Why would you even think I was cheating on Eric with Randy?
Steven: Oh, they had it on the highest authority: a fluid-filled plastic novelty ball from Parker Bros.

[Jackie has just beaten up Laurie]
Hyde: You kicked her ass, man!
Jackie: [exhausted] Yeah... yeah... whatever.

Steven: Hey, Red - why are you working so hard? You should be enjoying your retirement!
Reginald: There's still a lot to do around here: the hinge on that door is busted, that window needs caulking, and the backroom is such a mess, there's a bunch of weeds growing in there!

Steven: Mrs. Forman, college isn't for me. I do my learning on the streets.
Reginald: Steven, you're a smart kid. If you apply yourself, you can go to college, too.
Steven: You don't trust me alone around the house?
Reginald: See how smart you are?
Kitty: My baby boy is all grown up and off visiting college. I am *so* frickin old!
Eric: And menopause makes another unwelcome appearance at the dinner table.

[the guys are high in Eric's basement]
Steven: I read somewhere that people in India fast, man. And, that it makes them think better. And, sometimes they can actually think themselves to death, man.
Michael: I wonder if that's what I'm doing right now? Sometimes my brain is doing things that I don't even know about.
Eric: Man, we think of some great stuff down here. But, later on I can never remember it.

Kitty: [to Eric] No. This is a very difficult day for your father and he needs to be with his family.
Steven: I'll be in the basement.
[Gets up to leave]
Kitty: No, you sit!
Steven: [Sits back down] Oh, sure! When things get ugly, suddenly I'm family!
Laurie: Not to me, you freak.
Steven: You are *so* going to end up in porno!

Jackie: You're coming over to my house tonight. And we're gonna... "study".
Michael: Come on. I never get to do anything fun.
Steven: God, you're dumb.
Michael: Well I guess that's why I gotta go "STUDY".

Jackie: We're going to be partners!
[Hyde just stares at her]
Jackie: Skating partners!
Steven: How about, instead, you hit me in the face with a wrench and I black out?

[on the way to the club in Chicago]
Fez: People are so friendly around here. Two women on the corner just offered to have sex with me.
Steven: Yeah, for money, Fez.
Fez: I could not ask them for money.
[pauses]
Fez: Or, could I?

[about Fez]
Leo: I don't like what's going on here, man. That little dude's making us all look bad. I'm afraid the boss is gonna fire me.
Steven: Leo, you *are* the boss!

[at Leo's Foto Hut, Jackie is talking to Leo while he looks at photos]
Jackie: Yeah, there's a lot of things about Steven that I used to not like, but now, I really like. Like... Well, I thought his pork chop sideburns were a sign that he was poor and dirty and living in a shack. But then... But then I realized that Elvis had sideburns and he lived in Graceland. Well, that was an eye-opener!
[Hyde enters]
Jackie: There he is! Hi, Steven!
Hyde: [to Leo] What is *she* doing here?
Leo: I think she is hitting on me, man. But I ain't interested. Tell her I ain't interested and make her go away.
Jackie: Hitting on you? I'm not hitting on you, you relic!
Leo: Hey, name-calling is no way to win someone's heart.
Jackie: What are you talking about?
Leo: What are *you* talking about?
Jackie: What are *you* talking about?
Leo: What are *you* talking about?
Jackie: What are *you* talking about?
[Hyde leaves]
Leo: What are you talking about?
Jackie: Great! Now he got away! Steven!
[Jackie goes after Hyde]
Leo: [to himself] What was she talking about?

Kelso: I'm gonna throw an M&M into the woods and wherever it lands, we look there first.
Steven: Fez, give him the candy.
Fez: [looking guilty] Yeah, about that...
Kelso: Okay. Instead of candy, I'm gonna throw my keys into the woods.
[throws keys]
Kelso: Oh, crap, I just threw my keys into the woods!

Steven: This just in: Your weirdo boyfriend sleeps in the nude.
Donna: Yeah? So? I do too.
Michael: Oh, yeah!
Fez: Oh, I can see it now. And it is glorious!
[looks around nervously]
Fez: Excuse me.
[he runs out]

Jackie: You're mad at me for telling Donna Eric's secret? I tell secrets, that's who I am!
Steven: All I know is, if you're going to be my girlfriend, you can't go shooting off your big, fat, cheerleader mouth!
Jackie: Wait! You just called me your girlfriend!
Steven: No, I didn't.
Jackie: Yes, you did!
Steven: No, I didn't.
Jackie: Yes, you did!
Steven: No, I didn't.
Jackie: Yes, you did! Shut up, you're ruining it!
[moving to his bed]
Jackie: Listen, I'll stop telling secrets if you admit I'm your girlfriend.
Steven: No! The price is too high!
Jackie: I'm going to tell everyone everything anyway. Starting with, you called me your "girlfriend"!
Steven: You're blackmailing me now? You're coming along nicely!
[they kiss]

[Kelso walks into the living room with a big bottle rocket]
Michael: Mr. Forman, can I light this off in your house?
Red: Sure, and then I'll light my foot off in your ass.
Steven: And that, my friends, is the last foot-in-ass of the decade! Cheers!
Kitty: Michael, I just... It's so good to see you. The girls in the Emergency Room were just asking about you.
Michael: You know, it's like I've been gone for so long, I almost forgot you're a hot Mom!
Kitty: Oh! Hahahahaha!
Red: You know what else is hot? My foot when it's in your ass.
Steven: Look at that. He got one more in him.

Michael: Wow, check out this new Police Academy they're sending me to in Waukegan. It's got its own pool! Oh, man, if I'd known it was gonna be this nice, I'd have burned down the old one a lot sooner!
Fez: Kelso, I'm really going to miss you. Who's gonna take my lunch money, and tease me, and pull down my pants in front of girls...
Steven: I'll be taking over.

Steven: Kelso finally figures out how to use a phone and we're all going to jail!
Eric: Maybe its not them. I mean, the Feds wouldn't park a car right outside my house.
Steven: Everything you think the Government's not doing, they *are* doing! The only thing they *didn't* do was land a man on the moon! Spielberg shot the whole thing in a Hollywood movie set! That's how he got the job for Jaws!

Donna: What's the assignment?
Eric: All right: "In 1,000 words, describe the three branches of the United States government and their functions". I'll never make it.
Steven: [Jackie says she has a paper on the subject she did last year, so she leaves to get it] Hey, what do I need Jackie for, man? I know more about this stuff than she does. The three true branches of the government are military, corporate and Hollywood.

Eric: [looking at the man-ring] My girlfriend has bad taste.
Fez: Well, she *is* dating you.
Eric: What was she thinking?
Steven: Forman, you got to expect this, man. I mean, look at her dad. The apple doesn't fall far from the Bob.

[first lines]
Steven: [watching "Petticoat Junction"] Does it bother anyone else that these women live in Hooterville?
Eric: Technically, Petticoat Junction is down the track from Hooterville.
Steven: Well, does it bother anyone that they live down the track from Hooterville?
Donna: What bothers me is that they bathe in the town water tank.

Michael: Hey, guys! What are you talking about?
Eric,30471: [at the exact same time] Indy 500.
Eric: Niiice!

Red: [walks out into the driveway] Sooooo... I guess this is the way an immature, engaged, high-school dumbass with no car, no job, and no money trims the hedges.
Steven: That was, like, eight burns in one sentence.
Donna: An octo-burn. Let's get the hell outta here!

Leo: I saw a UFO once, man. It was awesome! It just hung in the air, then it sent me a message. In big, bright, yellow letters. Said I was going to have a good year.
Steven: Did this, by any chance, happen at a football game?
Leo: Yeah, man! And the weird thing is, I was the only one freaking out about it, man! Wait a second... Good year? No, it was a terrible year, man! Stupid aliens.

[Kelso tells the guys how he was making out with Pam Macy in the school orchestra room]
Michael: You know the really, really bad thing that can happen to guys when they're with girls?
Fez: Oh, did Mr. Cooper come in to buff the floor?
Michael: No.
[pauses]
Michael: Okay, let me put it this way: the buffer wouldn't buff.
Fez: Poor Mr. Cooper.
Steven: No, Fez. I think what he's trying to say is the rabbit wouldn't come out of the hat.
Eric: The weasel wouldn't pop.
Steven: The alphabet soup never spelled "go".
Eric: There were a lot of Amish people, but they couldn't raise the barn.
Steven: Nice one, Forman!
Eric: It just came to me.

Fez: I like Midge.
Steven: Yeah, we all like Midge.
Michael: Yeah, Midge has nice jugs.
Bob: What?
Michael: What?
Bob: No, *you* said something.
Michael: [nervously] No, I didn't. So, what's up with your hair?

[Fez needs money to buy new shoes]
Leo: Just do what I do and steal money from the register when the boss ain't looking.
Steven: Again, Leo, you *are* the boss!
Leo: And I'm not looking!
[Hyde takes some money from the register and gives it to Fez]

[first lines]
Beau: Rooster, you home?
Jameson: Yes, sir. Living room!
Beau: I thought you were gonna take a look at that tractor and try and see what was...
Jameson: [jumping up] Check it out. Colt's home.
Beau: What the hell are you doing here? I thought you were up in Canada playing amateur's football.
Colt: Uh, semi-pro. Yeah, I was playing for the Saskatoon Cold. It's like the Miami Heat, except you know, cold.

Fez: I am so excited about Star Whores.
Steven: Fezzy, man... Star Wars.
Fez: Screw that.

Laurie: Good morning, orphan.
Steven: Good morning.
Laurie: That's it? That's all you've got?
Steven: [waits until Red's out of the room] Whore.
Laurie: Mom, he called me a whore!
Kitty: Um... yeah.

Michael: I'm sorry. Look, I've been screwed by Darwinism... never needed to evolve listening skills 'cause my looks are so highly developed.
Donna: Um, that's not how evolution works.
Michael: Yeah, sure it is. Look, say I had to catch my own food, right? But I only ate really fast animals? My feet would eventually evolve into rockets.
Steven: Man, it's amazing your brain doesn't evolve into pudding.

Fez: [the guys think a van parked across the street is the FBI] It's just a dog catcher's van.
Steven: That's what they want you to think, man!
Michael: Yeah! A real dog catcher's van wouldn't say "dog catcher" because otherwise the dogs would see it and run away!
Fez: I can hear dogs inside.
Steven: It's obviously a recording. Alright, on the count of three: one, two, three!
[They open the doors releasing a bunch of dogs]
Steven: I don't know if it's the fresh air talking but I'm beginning to think this entire thing is just our imagination.
Eric: I think we need to let this whole imagination thing go.
[almost hits Fez with his red plastic light saber]
Eric: Whoa, watch out! I almost cut you right in half there, man!

[to the Mounties]
Steven: You got us. We're here to take over your country.

Eric: Hyde, you sure know a lot about women. But, I mean, you've never really had a steady girlfriend. So, what's that all about?
Steven: I'll tell you what that's all about, Forman. My mind is pure, man. I don't fall victim to the female race. I'm here, sans girlfriend, to help you guys out.
Fez: Then I have a question, Hyde. How much masturbation is too much?
Steven: No such thing as too much, Fez.

[Eric learns that Hyde's new girlfriend is history]
Steven: She dumped me. She said she didn't like you. I told her, "Too bad, we're friends", and that was it.
Eric: Oh, man. I feel terrible. Is there anything I can do?
Steven: I don't know, man. I kinda really liked her.
Eric: Hey, how does ten bucks sound?
Steven: Forman, ten lousy bucks can't replace Jill.
Eric: Yeah. How 'bout twenty?
Steven: Jill who?

Fez: Eric, what do you want to call it when you want to stick two pieces of wood together?
Eric: I think you'd call it "nailing", Fez. Just like Kelso nailed Hyde's sister.
Steven: How long have you two been planning that line out?
Eric: For about as long as it took Kelso to nail your sister.

Michael: Hey, check out this article in "Boys' Life."
Eric: "The Square Knot: Not Just For Squares"?
Michael: No, this one about being an astronaut. I think I'm gonna do that.
Jackie: Michael, I think as a prerequisite for being an astronaut, you have to be not dumb.
Michael: Uh-uhhh. If they can send a monkey into space, they can send me.
Steven: I don't know. Monkeys are pretty smart.
Michael: Alright, fine, fine, make fun. When you see my shoe prints on the moon, what are you gonna say then?
Eric: Probably "Hey, some monkey's wearing Kelso's shoes!"

Eric: Money doesn't make the world go round. You know what makes the world go round?
Steven: Screw you, you called me a thief!
Eric: It's love, that's right.

Steven: School spirit is for losers, man. You're just, like, floating along on a conveyor belt of conformity. Like pep-rallies, extracurricular activities. washing your hair...

[Eric and Donna just had sex]
Eric: You know what I have, right in the palm of my hand?
Steven: No one wants to know that. Just wash up.

Steven: So, what do you guys wanna do?
Eric: We could walk to The Hub.
Steven: Too far.
Eric: We could walk to...
Steven: Too far.

Steven: Forman, you get mushy with Donna, she's gonna see the secret girl inside the man. Now, trust me. You don't wanna let Erica out.
Michael: Hah! Erica! That's a good burn. You can't do that with Michael. I'm lucky.
Steven: Oh, really, *Michelle*?

Michael: That was the worst idea I've ever had, and I've had some bad ideas! I mean, a firecracker suit what was THAT?
Steven: Best 4th of June ever.

Michael: Guess who made out with Pam Macy behind the gym!
Steven: Everyone!

[about Red]
Steven: You know, he's never really warmed up to you.
Eric: Going on 17 years now.

Steven: Hello, my minimum wage friend. I demand service.
Eric: Welcome to Fatso Burger. How may I serve you?
Steven: That is so sad, Burger Boy!
Michael: Jackie, I've been wracking my brain trying to think of why this guy didn't hire me.
Jackie: Michael, I'm so sick of hearing this. You've still got me.
Michael: I'm good looking and he's jealous! This body's a curse!
Jackie: If you worked, you wouldn't be able to see me whenever I wanted, lover.
[They kiss]
Fez: Please! Stop touching! It gives me needs.

Eric: So, I told my girlfriend we could go to different schools. Everyone does that, right?
Lisa: My boyfriend and I have been going to different schools for three years, and now, we love each other more than ever.
Eric: And I bet when you get together, it's like a thunderstorm!
Ted: [to Lisa] Hey, pretty lady!
[Lisa kisses Ted]
Eric: Excuse me, hello? Didn't you just say you have a boyfriend?
Lisa: Yeah, but he's not here.
Eric: [to Hyde] I told Donna we could go to different schools. If Donna doesn't hate Marquette, we're screwed!
Steven: Who cares, man? I just turned down a half-drunk college chick! I'm pretty sure she could do stuff!

[Jackie and Kelso sit at The Hub]
Jackie: Michael, do you think I'm immature?
Michael: No, you're almost fully grown.
Jackie: Well... Steven thinks so. Apparently, I'm immature, and that skank in the leather jacket is what? Cool? Well, I can be cool. People can change. Olivia Newton-John did it for John Travolta, and that movie was totally realistic.
[Jackie's: she and Donna enter The Hub. Jackie wears the same tight, black outfit that Olivia Newton-John wore in the "You're The One That I Want" song scene in the movie "Grease". The guys are playing the arcade machine. Eric, Kelso and Fez turn around]
Eric: [bites his hand] Wow!
Michael: [shakes his hand] Yowza!
Fez: [smiles, rubbing his belly] Yummy!
[Hyde turns around. He takes off his sunglasses, astonished to see Jackie - similarly to Danny Zuko's reaction when he saw how Sandy changed]
Steven: Jackie?
Jackie: Tell me about it, Steve.
[the music of "You're The One That I Want" plays in the background. The gang starts dancing]
Steven: [in John Travolta's voice] I got chills, they're multiplyin', and I'm losin' control, for the power you're supplyin', it's electrifyin'...
Jackie: [in Olivia Newton-John's voice] You better shape up, 'cause I need a man, and my heart is set on you. You better shape up, you better understand, to my heart I must be true...
Steven: [in John Travolta's voice] Nothin' left, nothin' left for me and you...
Jackie: You're the one that I want, ooh, ooh, ooh, honey. The one that I want, ooh, ooh, ooh, honey. The one that I want, ooh, ooh, ooh. The one I need. Oh, yes, indeed...
[Hyde hugs Jackie. The music fades]
Steven: [in his normal voice] Oh, Jackie, you're so much cooler than that skank I was with before. Please take me back, 'cause we belong together like Bop-boppa-loo-bop, sha-walla, sha-bang, sha-bang...
[Jackie and Hyde kiss passionately. The gang is overjoyed that the two are back together]
Michael: Ah! The whole gang is back together again.
[Fez kisses Eric on his cheek]
Eric: Yes, they did it!
Donna: This is so great for the whole...
[end of Jackie's daydream]

Kitty: Eric, Jackie's on the phone. She wants to talk to you.
Steven: Jackie wants to talk to Forman?
Kitty: Yes. Now, pick up, because she's been blabbering for 45 minutes, and I never noticed it when she was living here, but she's not that interesting.

Fez: And I wasted a whole day thinking up my fake name.
Steven: Yeah. Sorry, Fez. Let's drink.

Fez: Peter Frampton, who's that?
Steven: Peter Frampton, the talentless idiot that a million brainless teenage girls made a huge star!
Jackie: I LOVE Peter Frampton!
Steven: A million and one...

Kitty: You have been such a big help, working yourself nearly to death. I made you your special sandwich.
Eric: Awww. The 'Eric McSweety'.
Steven: It's a regular sandwich, hold the masculinity.

[Last lines]
Donna: [while the rest of the gang are hanging out in the basement, Eric, Hyde and Fez all enter the basement looking beaten up] What the hell happened to you guys?
Eric: We got beaten up.
Steven: By men.
Eric: By big, strong men.
Fez: Hey, guys, as I was getting beaten I think I got to second base.

Steven: I mean, he lives on a fantasy island, man, and he's a midget. It's so obvious.

Jackie: [Begins the "Wizard of Oz" dream sequence as Dorothy] Oh, Toto. Losing "Snow Queen" has left me searching for guidance. Surely, the Wizard of Oz can help.
[Stops walking as she meets Kelso, as the Scarecrow]
Michael: Jackie, why'd you make me the Scarecrow? He needs a brain!
Jackie: No, no. I made you the Scarecrow because you love chasing birds.
Michael: I *do* love chasing birds.
[Both of them start walking together but stop when they meet Hyde, as the Tin Man]
Steven: Is this some kind of joke, 'cause I'm not laughing! Kelso's the Scarecrow?
[chuckles]
Steven: Yeah.
[the three of them start walking together but stop when they meet Fez, as the Cowardly Lion]
Fez: Look, guys! I'm a bear!
Jackie: Fez, you're the Cowardly Lion.
Fez: But, I want to be a bear.
Michael: At least you have a brain.
Steven: This sucks.
Jackie: Oh, will everyone just shut up? When it's your dream, you can be whatever you want!
Fez: I want to be a bear.
[the four of them start walking together but once again stop as they meet Donna, as the Wicked Witch of the West]
Donna: Jackie, what the hell?
[Eric, as the Flying Monkey, shows up]
Eric: [laughing] She totally made you a witch! That's so awesome!
Donna: She made *you* a flying monkey!
Eric: What?
[Checks himself out]
Eric: Oh, crap!
Donna: Let's kick her ass!
Eric: Yeah!
[Jackie then screams and runs away as the gang angrily chase after her]

Jackie: Wait. He just offered you a modelling job? Yeah, sounds a little suspicious. I mean, how do you know it's the owner?
Michael: 'Cause it was Mr. Halverson.
Jackie: How do you know it was Mr. Halverson?
Michael: 'Cause I said, "Aren't you Mr. Halverson?", and he said, "Yeah".
Eric: Hey, Hyde, aren't *you* Mr. Halverson?
Steven: Yeah.

Kitty: [Everybody is packed inside the car] Do you have to breathe so much? It's like a sauna in here!
Eric: Alright, you heard the lady! No more breathing!
Kitty: I didn't tell you not to breathe, I asked you not to breathe as much. There's a difference.
Fez: [to Red] For crazy people...
Reginald: Hey, Ali Baba! Close sesame!
Steven: Red, you missed the exit.
Reginald: Oh, damn! Eric, you're supposed to be watching the map! What are you doing?
Eric: [Eric holds up the map, which he has folded into a crown] Making you a crown, because you're King of the Road!
Fez: I need to go to the bathroom.
Steven: Can you turn up the radio?
Michael: [Playing his video game] First down... Touchdown!
Kitty: WILL YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP!

Fez: [Sees Caroline] Holy crap! It's Caroline!
Randy: Who's Caroline?
Steven: She went out with Fez. But, he broke up with her because she's crazy. Which is ironic, 'cause that's probably why she went out with him in the first place.
Fez: Guys, I can't let her see me. Hide me!
Randy: [Loudly] Where should we hide you, Fez?
Caroline: [Turns around] Fez?
Fez: Well played, you son of a bitch!

Steven: So, big party?
Donna: [sarcastically] Whoopee.
Steven: I can't believe Forman missed all those signals.
Donna: What signals?
Steven: [in a girly voice] Oh, poor me, all alone in my big house. Just me, in my nightie. If only some scrawny, little, neighbor boy would come over!
Donna: He's not scrawny! Why am I even talking to you about this?
Steven: Because I'm all you've got.
Donna: [lying down on the couch embarrassed] So, everyone knows! All I wanted was to be alone with him!
Steven: And how does that make you feel?
Donna: Frustrated! It's frustrating as hell!
Steven: Do you have trouble sleeping at night?
Donna: Yeah, sometimes.
Steven: Do you think you'd sleep easier if you had a scrawny, little, neighbor boy next to you?

Fez: Hyde, I meant to tell you...
[reciting the rhyme]
Fez: Hyde and Jackie sitting in a tree, making love like two monkeys.
Steven: Will you shut up, man! That's not even how it goes.
Fez: Is it making you mad?
Steven: Yeah.
Fez: Then, that's how it goes.

Kitty: Red, he's so skinny. Just take away his car.
Reginald: No! I'm trying to teach the boy responsibility. I want a plan out of you by tonight, or no dinner, either.
Eric: Dad, that's not... Wait. Mom, what's for dinner?
Kitty: Fried chicken.
Eric: Oh, come on!
Reginald: [as Hyde enters the kitchen and sits at the table] Steven. When are you moving out?
Steven: Soon.
Reginald: How's your girlfriend?
Steven: Shallow as hell.
Reginald: Job?
Steven: Dead-end.
Reginald: Future?
Steven: Bleak.
Reginald: Kitty, feed the boy!

Steven: I can't talk to cops, man. I go insane with rage.

Reginald: [to Eric, at the breakfast table] Now, when are you gonna grow up and start thinking about your future?
Kitty: [brings a glass of juice to the table] Now, Red, don't get upset so early. You won't enjoy your sausage and Tang.
Eric: [giggling] Sausage and Tang? Isn't that a little racy for breakfast?
Kitty: [completely clueless] I don't get it.
Kitty: [Red leaves, and Hyde comes in wearing a torn coat] I'm taking you shopping for a new coat. Here, here, take some Tang and go.
Steven: [with a sly smile] Man, if I had a dollar for every time I heard a chick say that...
Kitty: [Kitty is more confused as the boys leave, laughing] What? What? Never turn down Tang! Growing boys need Tang! What is funny here?

Fez: That Thomas is shady. And have you noticed he never says what country he's from?
Steven: What country are you from?
Fez: What country are *you* from?
Steven: America.
Fez: Fine, mystery solved.

Steven: [the kids are watching TV in the basement, when Hyde comes out of his room] Hey! Hey! Can you guys, uh, keep it down a bit, please?
Donna: Hyde, there's lipstick on your chin.
Fez: Hyde, why are you putting lipstick on your chin? It's for your lips.
Eric: Hey, maybe he's got a girl back there. So, Hyde, who's the lucky lady?
Steven: I never kiss and tell. It's Kat Peterson.
Donna: Yeah, right. You're in your bedroom with the most popular girl in school.
Fez: [sarcastically] Yeah. What happened to Farrah Fawcett? Did her car break down?
Kat: [later, Hyde and Kat Peterson emerge from his room] So, that was fun.
Steven: No, Disneyland is fun. That was nasty.
[Kat gives Hyde a kiss and leaves]
Donna: Oh, my God, Hyde! Kat Peterson! Nice.
Steven: Yep. She's slummin' it, I'm lovin' it.

William: You think that's cool, check this out!
[Hands Hyde a pair of concert tickets]
Steven: Wow, Eric Clapton tickets - that's the coolest thing anyone's ever done for me!
William: What, showed you a couple of concert tickets?
[Snatches tickets away]
William: You're not going!

Michael: If being smart isn't gonna help me with the chicks, I want no part of it! I'm gonna go back to coasting on my good looks. Plus, my brains'll always be there, of if I need'em, I'll just whip'em out like an emergency rocket pack.
Steven: [Smirking] That's a good plan, man!
Michael: [Scoffing] Beats the hell outta reading!

Donna: [discussing a TV program] We were sitting in these same seats when we saw it.
Steven: Actually, you were sitting over there. I remember it because I could see up your skirt.

[the guys are sitting in The Circle and talking about Kelso and Jackie breaking up]
Michael: Fellas, I've been thinkin'. There's a lot of ladies out there, right? And I haven't seen nearly enough of 'em naked. It's like the world is my oyster, and I'm ready to shuck it. Nothin' but hot, new ladies from here on in. I'm gonna be boldly going where no man's gone before.
[the next scene shows the Formans' front door. The doorbell rings and Kitty answers the door. Kelso is standing there, holding flowers]
Michael: Hello, Mrs Forman. I'm here to pick up Laurie.
Kitty: [laughs] No, no, no. You mean Eric.
Michael: No, uh, Laurie. Your other kid.
Kitty: Like, why?
Steven: [Hyde walks by and stops when he sees Kelso] You're datin' Laurie? That's not different, man. You're boldly going where *every* man's gone before!
Kitty: [turns around] Steven, it's not nice to be so... truthful.
[Laurie comes down the stairs]
Laurie: Hi, Kelso!
[notices the flowers]
Laurie: Did you buy me those?
Michael: Yeah, just like you told me.
Laurie: No, I told you *roses*! Come on, doofus!
[she walks out the door with Kelso]
Steven: No offense, Mrs. Forman, but those two could make the dumbest babies ever.
Kitty: [starts to laugh then abruptly stops and turns toward Hyde] That's not funny.

Kelso: Anybody find my keys?
Eric: I found a pair of my sister's panties.
[the others stare at him]
Eric: I know they were hers because they had her name... and phone number written on them.
Steven: A girl's gotta advertise.

Hyde: Get in the car, we're goin' on a freakin' date.

Steven: Eric, I've been thinking about your problem with Donna. After hours of careful consideration, it still makes me laugh.

Michael: What about that time you were paid $2.00 to eat everything in Foreman's refrigerator, and you threw it up all over the place?
Steven: That was YOU!
Michael: Oh, yeah... that was AWESOME!

Hyde: Hey, man. It's better than Laurie being down here. She's like a big, cancerous tumor. Jackie, y'know, she's like a tiny benign cyst.

Steven: [talking about moving to New York] If I can make it there...
Eric: You can't make it there!
Steven: But if I can make it there...
Eric: You *won't* make it there!
Steven: Would you just listen! If I can make it there... Dammit, Forman, now I lost my train of thought!

Donna: I can't believe tomorrow is Thanksgiving!
Steven: Ah, yes - time to get Fez drunk and dress him up like a lady Pilgrim.
Fez: Ha, ha, the joke's on you! This year I will get into the dress BEFORE I get drunk!

Steven: Look, Forman, if God had meant for virgins to lose it to other virgins, he wouldn't have given us middle-aged hookers, man!

[the circle]
Michael: Honesty's cool, man. It's like I can do anything wrong and then ask for forgiveness, and then I'm good again. Someone should invent a religion like that.
Eric: Okay. So did anyone besides me think that some of the guys in that movie were not completely... average? Like, you know, they were way, way *above* average?
Steven: Well, you don't go into that line of work when you're *below* average. You just pray some hot, redheaded, neighbor girl likes you for your personality.
[Hyde snickers]
Fez: What are you talking about? Those men were completely average. In fact, I found the guy with the mustache downright puny.
Michael: See now, Fez, that's not honest. I mean, we all know you're small in the pants. What I'm saying is, from here on in, I'm only telling the truth. In fact, I'm gonna come clean to Jackie about everything.
Fez: Fine. You want honesty? I'll give you honesty. We are *all* small in the pants.
Steven: [in serious voice] Kelso, this might be your best idea ever. You know what? You should make a list of all the lies you've ever told to Jackie, and I'll help you. 'Cause all I really want is for you to be happy.
[Hyde smiles slyly]

Eric: [to a vacuum they think has a bug in it] You're looking for Michael Kelso.
Michael: Quit it!
Eric: No! This whole thing is your fault!
Michael: If it's anyone's fault, it's Hyde's, because he got dumped by Jackie, so we had to be nice to him!
Fez: Go easy on the kid! Breaking up with Jackie was the biggest mistake he ever made. Remember? We were talking about it behind his back!
Steven: Shut up, Fez! If I want to hear your advice, I'll kick you in the 'nads!
Fez: Oh. In that case, my advice is: "please don't kick me in the 'nads".
Eric: [in a loud voice] Maybe the Feds have some advice. Remember, they're listening with the
[whispers]
Eric: V-A-C-U-U-M!
Steven: [They look puzzled for a little bit] It spells "vacuum".
Michael: "Vacuum" has two U's in it? That's messed up!

Steven: How'd it go with Donna?
Eric: I ruined it. And I knew I was ruining it while I was ruining it. I just kept on ruining it. Now, Bogie... You know that... that guy knows how to let a woman go. "Here's lookin' at you, kid". I threw a toaster.

Jackie: I bought it, in the ghetto.
Hyde: Jackie, there is no ghetto, there's like, that one house that needs painted

Jackie: Eric, no offense, I know she's your sister, but Laurie is such a whore.
Eric: Jackie, not since the "Smokey and the Bandit" debate, are you and I so on the same page.
Donna: Me too.
Steven: Hear hear.
Fez: Yes.
Jackie: Oh, my God. You all hate Laurie?
[Everyone nods]
Jackie: I don't believe this. You all hate Laurie, and love me.
Steven: ...We all hate Laurie, all right.

Michael: Donna beat you at basketball?
Fez: Is this true, Eric?
Eric: Yeah. Is that a big deal?
Steven: Of course not. Unless Donna happens to be, you know, a girl.
Michael: Especially a girl you love.
Fez: In my country, if a woman beats you, it makes her want you.
Eric: Really?
Fez: Yeah, but this is America, wuss.

Eric: [sarcastically] Hey, I'm Hyde. I don't feel anything. I'm just a frizzy-haired robot!
Steven: [sarcastically] Hey, I'm Forman. I use the same voice to imitate everybody!

Chrissy: [Hyde and the punk chick are getting to know each other in her room] Has it occurred to you that we're on a bed?
Steven: Oh, man, this is so perfect. You're easy, too?
Chrissy: Yeah. See, the establishment doesn't want us having sex because they know it makes us feel good, right? So, if we can feel good on our own, what do we need the establishment for? So, every time we have sex, it's a huge protest.
Steven: You know what? I think I feel a huge protest coming on.

Steven: Okay. All right. Do you remember that time when I was climbing your fence, and I hit my forehead on that tree branch, and I fell into your yard, and your dog Yogi came out of the house and bit me twice on the ass?
Michael: [laughing] Yeah, you bled and you cried.
Steven: I bled. I didn't cry.
Michael: Yeah, you did. You bled *and* you cried.
Steven: And you laughed, man. A lot. While I was bleeding. You see my point?
Michael: Yeah. It's funny when friends get hurt.
Steven: Close enough.

Red: [to Eric] So, this is how an immature, engaged, high school dumbass, with no car, no job, and no money trims the hedges.
Steven: That was like eight burns in one sentence.
Donna: An octo-burn. Let's get outta here.

Steven: Okay Forman, man, think. You are listening to *Kelso*. Don't do it.

Eric: Kelso, if you tell the White House there's a death ray, they're going to have you committed. I say go for it.
Michael: Of course they're not going to admit it. I got to trick them into saying it. It's what cops call
[uses air quotes]
Michael: "tricking them".
[on the phone]
Michael: Hello, White House? I have a few questions. How well is the President protected? Because someone wants to hurt the President. Damn right it's a threat, a threat on the President's life! Where am I now? I'm at Red Forman's house in Point Place...
Eric: No!
[Eric and Hyde hang up the phone]
Steven: You idiot! You just told them where we are! They're going to come here and arrest us!
Michael: They should arrest the Russians! *They're* the ones with the death ray!
Fez: You didn't mention the death ray!
Michael: Ah-ha! So you admit there is a death ray!

Michael: I have an idea!
Steven: Oh, good. Kelso is gonna make it worse now.

Jackie: [to Donna and Randy] So, have you guys had sex yet?
Donna: [outraged] Jackie!
Steven: My money's on "no". Donna is a strong, independent woman who feels that men should respect women for their minds. In other words, she's a big, fat tease.
Fez: Well, I think it's going to happen soon, because normally, Donna only shaves her legs up to her knees. But this morning, she went all the way from Miami to Jacksonville.

Steven: Look, Kitty, I framed one of the fliers from my Grand Opening; that way, if the shop's a success, I'll have a souvenir, and if not, I'll have something to glare at while I'm drinking.

Steven: [Hyde and his mother are heard arguing inside of the house] It's still my suitcase!
Edna: Nothing in this house is yours!
Steven: [Comes out of the house] Shut up!

Jackie: [the gang is sitting in the car while Eric finds a solution to get out of the snow] This is awful! We're all going to die and I love Michael!
Fez,30471: Shut up!

Nina: [after Fez taps her on the shoulder] Oh, hi, Fez.
Fez: Oh, you wish! Try your "Hi, Fez" routine on someone else, babe, 'cause I don't need it!
[walks back to friends' table]
Steven: Nice work, Fez.
Fez: Shut up. I don't need your accolades!

Donna: You guys aren't gonna believe this - my dad wants to move to Florida!
Steven: Florida's nice! My mom was down there for five years, but she got two off for good behavior.

[Eric just told Steven Jackie kissed Todd]
Steven: We hold information that could crush the very heart and soul of one of our best friends. I live for days like this!

Steven: I'll only work with the barely competent. Takes the stress out of slackin' off.

Steven: [Was pulled over by police and thought Leo's bag was filled with illegal drugs] Dog food?
Leo: Yeah. Oh, wait. I mean if the dog food is in *this* bag, then where's... Oh, wow, I gotta check on my dog, man!

[Hyde and Jackie are sitting on the hood of her car at night. Hyde takes a swallow of his pop. Jackie looks at him and smiles]
Jackie: This is the best date ever.
Hyde: Jackie, we haven't talked in 30 minutes.
Jackie: That's okay. Steven, you don't have to say anything. I understand you.
Hyde: [sneers] Oh, you do, do you?
Jackie: Sure. Okay, so you're probably sitting there thinking, "I'm on this date with this girl who really, really likes me, and, and she's so beautiful that..."
Hyde: Jackie...
[Jackie puts her finger to Hyde's lips to silence him]
Jackie: Shhh. And you're wondering, "How can I open up to her when everyone I have ever loved has abandoned me. Am I even worthy of love?". Well, you are, Steven. You are.
[Hyde looks at her for a moment, then covers his eyes and seems to start crying. Jackie puts her arm around him for comfort]
Jackie: It's okay, Steven, it's okay. You know what? Let it out. Let it all out.
Hyde: [in whimpering voice] Okay.
Jackie: It's okay.
[Hyde lifts his face to reveal he wasn't really crying and blows a raspberry in her face. Jackie calmly wipes the spit off her cheek and then jumps off the car]
Jackie: Let's go home!
Hyde: Oh, c'mon, I'm kidding! No, this is, this is alright. We can hang out here for awhile, okay? God...
[Jackie walks around the car and rejoins Hyde, smiling. Hyde offers her some pop]
Hyde: Here, have some of my pop.
Jackie: [takes the pop] Sure.
[Jackie smiles at Hyde, gets closer to him, takes his arm and puts it around her shoulder]
Hyde: Okay.
[Jackie takes a sip from the pop]

Steven: So, you caught those birds with just a whistle and a stick? Very impressive, Fez!
Michael: Yeah. You know, that's a good way to hunt. Because even if you don't get anything, you still have all the fun of a whistle and a stick.

Laurie: [to Kelso] Next time we go hiking, make sure you bring a blanket. I think I have a twig in my shorts.
Hyde: What a coincidence. So does Kelso.

Fez: [Watching Kelso and Jackie argue] She will crush him, yes?
Steven: Like the spirit of your Mayan forefathers.
Fez: My forefathers were not Mayan.
Steven: Like anyone cares.

Steven: [During the third circle] This is our third circle today and it hasn't calmed me down at all!
Fez: I can't be sent back to my home country. My parents would be ashamed, I'd get stoned and then they'd throw rocks at me!
Eric: I think we all need to settle down! Just settle down! Who's yelling! Who is yelling!

Donna: We're spending the weekend at a hotel.
Steven: What, car sex isn't good enough anymore?
Fez: I would love car sex...
[pauses]
Fez: Or, just sex...
[pauses]
Fez: Or, just a car.

Steven: Foreman, this is worse than you wore the Air Supply t-shirt to the Aerosmith concert!

Hyde: Hey, I got a B in Spanish! I didn't even know I was taking Spanish.
Eric: [Moments later] Donna! You're smoking a cigarette!
Hyde: Even worse, man. It's a menthol!

Steven: [Over police walkie-talkie] Hey, Kelso, did you get the cop car back before your boss found out it was missing?
Michael: [to his training officer] Okay, I can explain that...
Colette: [Waking up in the back seat, rubbing her eyes] Where am I?
Michael: Yeah, I CAN'T explain that...

Steven: Guys, can we do something besides cruise? That's the third time tonight we've driven by that house.
Michael: I know what we could do. We could go skinny dipping.
[everyone looks at him]
Michael: Naked! That's the way God intended.
Jackie: No way.
Michael: Why not? It'd be fun.
Donna: Sure, it's fun for you guys, 'cause you can look at us, and that's a treat. But we just look at you. And that's nasty.
Eric: So, you don't want to do it?
Donna: Well... I don't care. I'll do it.
Eric: You... Okay, I'm in.
Fez: Naked is dirty.
[singing]
Fez: Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
All: Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
Jackie: [the screen flips. Everyone is in the car, naked] This was such a great idea, Michael. This was so much fun. Oh, wait, except for the part when our clothes got stolen, you idiot!
Steven: By the way, Fez, nice tattoo, man.
Fez: Thank you. It is the Blessed Virgin of Yorba Linda. Do you want to see her dance?
All: No!
Eric: Guys, we need a plan. I'm not driving up to the house with a car full of naked people. Red hates you guys when you're dressed.
Steven: We can go to my house.
Michael: Yeah, your mom's used of having naked guys around.
Steven: She's not even home, you moron!
[Hyde punches Kelso on the shoulder]
Fez: Put on the top forty.
[Fez reaches over for the radio]
Steven: Whoa, sit down, Fez! I see London, I see Besticle!
Fez: Well, what do you want me to do about it?
Steven: I don't know. Tuck it in!

Steven: [after Kelso and Jackie leave] So, Forman, now that the scary kids are gone... Is Buddy gay?
Eric: Well, I don't think it's really my place to...
Steven: He's gay.
Eric: Okay, guys. Hypothetical situation. Crazy scenario. Wouldn't happen in, like, a million years. Let's just... let's say... okay, that Buddy made a move on me.
Donna: Eric, he's not going to make a move on you if he knows you're straight.
Steven: I don't know. I mean, Forman *is* pretty irresistible.
Eric: I don't think he'll make a move on me again.
Steven: *Again*?
Eric: Or for the first time, you know. I gotta go.

Steven: I'm telling you, the government has a car that runs on water, man. They just don't want us to know, because then we'd buy all the water.

Michael: I have a question. If Hyde was in Hyde's bed, and Jackie was in Hyde's bed, what exactly was going on in said bed?
Steven: Nothing. She needed a place to sleep.
Michael: Needed a place to sleep! Well, a bed is an interesting choice now, wouldn't you say?

Fez: Oh, I am so excited to be in the Food Service Industry. May I cut the cheese?
Edna: [to Hyde] Is he kidding?
Steven: We can never tell.
Edna: Well, knock yourself out. But if you cut off a finger, you're outta here.

[Hyde is in line at the concession stand, attempting to buy a beer]
Steven: Good evening, sir. I would like a refreshing cola, please.
Fez: [from off-screen, deep voice] And get me a beer, Son.
Steven: Okay, Dad, sure. And a beer for my Dad.
[accepting defeat]
Steven: You're not gonna get me that beer, are you?
Fez: [steps into frame with a stern look on his face, continuing to deepen his voice] What seems to be the problem, Son?