Top 150 Quotes From Jackie Burkhart

[to Red]
Jackie: I'm really sorry your Mom died. It's like... sad and stuff.

Karate: You don't understand, Jackie. I am a stranger who wants to hurt you!
[gets in a fighting stance]
Jackie: I'm not buying it.
Donna: [to Jackie] Okay, maybe it's not a stranger. Maybe it's someone who's already hurt you. Like Hyde.
Jackie: Watch it, Donna!
Donna: You, with a glimpse of hope, asked him if you had a future and he said, "I don't know".
[to the other students]
Donna: *I don't know*! Like Jackie Burkhart wasn't special enough! *I* thought Jackie Burkhart was special, but apparently you're no better than me!
Jackie: All men are bastards!
[She pushes the karate instructor behind the screen and knees and punches him and elbows the back of his neck]
Jackie: I'm better than *everyone*! And it's *Jackie*, not "Jackie-San"! Just *Jackie*, Dork-San!
[She kicks him in the gonads]

Jackie: [Begins the "Wizard of Oz" dream sequence as Dorothy] Oh, Toto. Losing "Snow Queen" has left me searching for guidance. Surely, the Wizard of Oz can help.
[Stops walking as she meets Kelso, as the Scarecrow]
Michael: Jackie, why'd you make me the Scarecrow? He needs a brain!
Jackie: No, no. I made you the Scarecrow because you love chasing birds.
Michael: I *do* love chasing birds.
[Both of them start walking together but stop when they meet Hyde, as the Tin Man]
Steven: Is this some kind of joke, 'cause I'm not laughing! Kelso's the Scarecrow?
[chuckles]
Steven: Yeah.
[the three of them start walking together but stop when they meet Fez, as the Cowardly Lion]
Fez: Look, guys! I'm a bear!
Jackie: Fez, you're the Cowardly Lion.
Fez: But, I want to be a bear.
Michael: At least you have a brain.
Steven: This sucks.
Jackie: Oh, will everyone just shut up? When it's your dream, you can be whatever you want!
Fez: I want to be a bear.
[the four of them start walking together but once again stop as they meet Donna, as the Wicked Witch of the West]
Donna: Jackie, what the hell?
[Eric, as the Flying Monkey, shows up]
Eric: [laughing] She totally made you a witch! That's so awesome!
Donna: She made *you* a flying monkey!
Eric: What?
[Checks himself out]
Eric: Oh, crap!
Donna: Let's kick her ass!
Eric: Yeah!
[Jackie then screams and runs away as the gang angrily chase after her]

Jackie: [has a wide-eyed epiphany, while talking with Donna] Oh, my God! I LIKE FEZ!
[runs away, screaming]

Jackie: I have better things to do with my day. Donna, what are we doing with our day?
Donna: Well, I was going to go to my karate class...
Jackie: Ugh, I knew it'd be something sweaty!
Donna: Well, you don't have to go!
Jackie: No, I'll go, I'll go - now that I'm not with Steven, I have a lot more time to do manly, unladylike things with you.

[Jackie and Kelso sit at The Hub]
Jackie: Michael, do you think I'm immature?
Michael: No, you're almost fully grown.
Jackie: Well... Steven thinks so. Apparently, I'm immature, and that skank in the leather jacket is what? Cool? Well, I can be cool. People can change. Olivia Newton-John did it for John Travolta, and that movie was totally realistic.
[Jackie's: she and Donna enter The Hub. Jackie wears the same tight, black outfit that Olivia Newton-John wore in the "You're The One That I Want" song scene in the movie "Grease". The guys are playing the arcade machine. Eric, Kelso and Fez turn around]
Eric: [bites his hand] Wow!
Michael: [shakes his hand] Yowza!
Fez: [smiles, rubbing his belly] Yummy!
[Hyde turns around. He takes off his sunglasses, astonished to see Jackie - similarly to Danny Zuko's reaction when he saw how Sandy changed]
Steven: Jackie?
Jackie: Tell me about it, Steve.
[the music of "You're The One That I Want" plays in the background. The gang starts dancing]
Steven: [in John Travolta's voice] I got chills, they're multiplyin', and I'm losin' control, for the power you're supplyin', it's electrifyin'...
Jackie: [in Olivia Newton-John's voice] You better shape up, 'cause I need a man, and my heart is set on you. You better shape up, you better understand, to my heart I must be true...
Steven: [in John Travolta's voice] Nothin' left, nothin' left for me and you...
Jackie: You're the one that I want, ooh, ooh, ooh, honey. The one that I want, ooh, ooh, ooh, honey. The one that I want, ooh, ooh, ooh. The one I need. Oh, yes, indeed...
[Hyde hugs Jackie. The music fades]
Steven: [in his normal voice] Oh, Jackie, you're so much cooler than that skank I was with before. Please take me back, 'cause we belong together like Bop-boppa-loo-bop, sha-walla, sha-bang, sha-bang...
[Jackie and Hyde kiss passionately. The gang is overjoyed that the two are back together]
Michael: Ah! The whole gang is back together again.
[Fez kisses Eric on his cheek]
Eric: Yes, they did it!
Donna: This is so great for the whole...
[end of Jackie's daydream]

Michael: [gazing into Jackie's eyes] You're so pretty, you don't even need to know math!
Jackie: That's so funny! I was just thinking the same thing!

Steven: Well, I'm fine, so I'm going!
Jackie: Well, I'm fine, too! In fact, I'm superfine!
Michael: No, no, wait! *I'm* superfine! I have a t-shirt that says so!
Donna: You also have a t-shirt that says, "I'm With Stupid", and the arrow is pointing straight up.
Michael: Yeah, I hate that shirt. It doesn't even make sense!
[scoffingly]
Michael: Who's *above* me?

Jackie: So, friends?
Eric: As long as you promise not to tell people we're friends.

[Bob is depressed since Joanne broke up with him. To cheer him up, Donna and Jackie anonymously sent him a nice basket of fudge]
Bob: [cheerfully] Guess what, girls. I got fudge.
[Donna and Jackie feign they have no idea who sent it]
Donna: [smiles] Fudge? What a surprise! Who is it from?
[Bob finds a note inside the basket]
Bob: It didn't say, but there is a poem: "Roses are red, violets are blue, fudge is sweet, here's some fudge".
[Donna looks critically at Jackie for the lousy rhyme. Jackie is slightly embarrassed]
Jackie: [whispers to Donna] They rushed me.

Ruth: [Jackie demands that the sperm bank return Kelso's 'donation' to her] I'm sorry, Miss, but I can't give it to you. The donor himself is the only one who has legal rights over the specimen.
Jackie: [turns to Kelso] Fine. Michael, you get them. You're the only one who has rights over your special men.
Michael: Jackie, what do you care what I do with my special men?
Ruth: "Specimen". I said, *specimen*.

[talking with Donna]
Jackie: Okay, this is my "Michael Box". I saved everything that loser ever gave me.
[she opens the box and pulls out a rubber chicken]
Jackie: Hmm. One-year anniversary. What a moron.
[she throws the rubber chicken away]

Jackie: You know what girls talk about when we get together?
Eric: Sugar and spice and everything nice?
Jackie: That's what we're *made* of, dumbass!

Jackie: Ugh, would you look at those boobs!
Michael: Uh, I *am*! It's disgusting! I mean, what is she even thinking, packing in those sweet melons like that? I can't even look away!

Jackie: Steven! I called three times in the last half hour!
Steven: Yeah, I figured it was you because all the calls came during the commercials for "The Newlywed Game".

Jackie: Look, the sooner you realize I'm a genius, the better off we'll both be.

Eric: What happened? Did Kelso forget your birthday or something?
Jackie: I'm pregnant.
Donna: [Cut to Eric and Donna playing basketball] Eric, you're like a million miles away. What's going on?
Eric: Okay, Donna. I have to tell you something, but you have to promise you're not going to tell anybody else.
Donna: Dirt! I swear. Now tell me.
Eric: Not here.
[they get in the car]
Eric: [seen from outside the car, unable to be heard] Jackie's pregnant.
[Donna makes a shocked face]

[Jackie, Donna and Hyde chide Kelso for not taking responsibility for Brooke's baby]
Steven: Kelso, you know what you should do, but your not gonna do it because you're too much of a tool.
Michael: You know what? It's real easy to talk about the right thing to do when it's not your life!
[Kelso walks away. Hyde looks after him disgustedly]
Steven: Tool.
Jackie: Oh, Steven. You're sensitive to this because your father ditched you, too. This is so foxy.
Steven: Hey, why don't we go down to my room? Tell you about the time my mom got so loaded on mouthwash, she lost our rent money at the track.
[Jackie nods excitedly. She and Hyde hug each other and enter the house]

Jackie: I can't believe I'm in a therapist's office- I mean, there's no way I'm gonna be able to talk for a whole hour?

Kelso: Wait a minute, I'm a police officer in training, so we're gonna do this by the book!
Jackie: [Scoffing] What book? You didn't READ any book!
Kelso: No, but I was ASSIGNED one! And I've killed four bees with it!

Jackie: I had to ask myself a really hard question: Who do I love the most? The person I love most is me. I love me most. Look, if I could run across the beach into my own arms, I would.

Michael: I miss Eric.
Jackie: Well, you still have me.
Michael: It's not the same, Jackie. I can talk to Eric about things that I can't talk about with you.
Jackie: Okay, well like what?
Michael: Well, for instance, the annoying things you do.
Jackie: Michael.
Michael: See, I can't talk to you.

Jackie: Eric, no offense, I know she's your sister, but Laurie is such a whore.
Eric: Jackie, not since the "Smokey and the Bandit" debate, are you and I so on the same page.
Donna: Me too.
Steven: Hear hear.
Fez: Yes.
Jackie: Oh, my God. You all hate Laurie?
[Everyone nods]
Jackie: I don't believe this. You all hate Laurie, and love me.
Steven: ...We all hate Laurie, all right.

Jackie: Oh, everything is set for the party tonight! Oh, and Fez, I need you to get there a little early so you can park everyone's cars.
Fez: Sorry, Jackie, I can't make it.
Jackie: What?
Fez: Yeah. Kelso and I have to find an apartment tonight, or Red is going to kill me in my sleep.
Michael: Yeah, and I can't let Fez go alone.
Jackie: Why not?
Michael: 'Cause then I'll have to go to your party, which I don't want to do.
Steven: Oh, no, no. Kelso, you have to go. If you're not there, and Fez is not there, it's gonna be pretty damn obvious that I'm not there.
Jackie: Okay, Steven. I understand you don't like dinner parties, but just let me make my case.
[Jackie kicks Hyde's ankle]
Steven: [winces painfully] Ohh!
Jackie: [firmly] You're going!

Jackie: [after Eric's disastrous interruption of Mitch's Best Man speech debacle] This the BEST WEDDING i have EVER been to!

[Kelso finds out Jackie smashed his van]
Michael: How did this happen, Jackie? How?
Jackie: Michael, like I said...
Michael: *How*?
Jackie: Coming out of the drive...
Michael: [yells] HOW?
Steven: Kelso! Come on, man, relax. Let those of us who aren't you enjoy this moment.
Fez: Besides, it's not all that bad. This door still works.
[Fez tries to open the remaining back door and it falls off]
Eric: Hey, Jackie. What happened to the other door?
Jackie: Other door?
Eric: Yeah, you know. The thing that always got in the way of... this giant, gaping hole.

[Kelso is talking with Hyde, trying to make him reconcile with Jackie]
Michael: Look, Hyde, I know you don't wanna tell Jackie that you're sorry, but... there's gotta be some things that you did that you wish you hadn't done. Like that time that you told me to eat that stuff, and I didn't know what it was, and then you licked your lips and you rubbed you stomach, and you were like, "Mmm, it's really good, Kelso". And then I ate it and then I wished I hadn't have done that.
Steven: Yeah... well, maybe with Jackie I was sort of impetuous and maybe a little rash.
Michael: [nods] Now, see, that's something that Jackie oughta know.
[some time later]
Michael: Hyde says that he was sort of infectious and he has a rash.
Jackie: [confused] What?
Michael: I'm just telling you what he said.
Jackie: Alright. Look, Michael, Steven's the one who messed up the relationship. He thought you and I were together, but he was just wrong. He fabricated the whole mess.
Michael: Well, somebody ought to make that clear.
[some time later]
Michael: Jackie wants you to know that there was a mess 'cause she was wearing the wrong fabric.
Steven: [confused] That can't be what she said.
Michael: It's word for word, man.
Steven: Kelso, would you get outta here?
Michael: What? I'm helping.
Steven: You're making me wanna kick your ass!
Michael: [angrily] That better be the rash talking!
[Kelso leaves. Hyde throws the basketball at his back]

Jackie: [Viewing Hyde and Fez with dismay] Michael, are they drinking from my parents' crystal?
Michael: Yeah! Because they were trying to drink straight from the bottle! But I said, "No! Use the crystal, 'cause it's *classy*!"

Donna: Fez! God, where IS he?
Jackie: Oh, don't worry - he survived the trip here in a banana crate, he'll be fine in the woods!

Jackie: [jealous Kelso finds a guy's phone number in some cheese Jackie brought home from the shop, and calls her on the phone] Hello?
Michael: Is Phil there?
Jackie: Who?
Michael: Phil! Some guy you kissed! I found his number in your cheese!
Jackie: Michael, Phil's the guy who delivers the sausage.
Michael: You *tramp*!
Jackie: No, idiot, he brings food to our store. He's our sausage guy.
Michael: TRAMP!

Laurie: [Jackie and Laurie are arguing in the basement] You better watch your back!
Jackie: Really? 'Cause you should stop spending so much time on *yours*!
Michael: Burn!
[Laurie looks shocked]
Michael: Hey, I'm sorry. I just got swept away by a super-good burn.

Jackie: Hyde, if you want to make out with me, the answer's probably no.

Fez: It's time that you two left. Now, good day!
Donna: But, Fez...
Rhonda: [shouts] HE SAID, "GOOD DAY"!

Fez: I can make a sexual innuendo out of anything. Try me.
Jackie: Ummmm, stove.
Fez: 'Boy, I'd like to cook something on *her* stove'. See? Anything!
Jackie: [later] Fez, we need to write Eric a letter telling him what is going on between Donna and Randy.
Fez: Yeah. Then Eric is gonna come home, kick Randy's ass, and then whisk Donna off to someplace sexy. Like the garage.
Jackie: What? How is the garage sexy?
Fez: Well, I'd like to park my car in *her* garage!

Jackie: Wait. So, your parents are going to be out of town?
Donna: Yeah. It's just going to be me alone Saturday. Well, I'm babysitting my sister, Tina. I'll watch some TV, maybe order a pizza.
Michael: Let's have a party! A toga party!
Jackie: Michael, maybe she doesn't want to have a party. Maybe she wants to be alone.
Donna: Well, it'd just be me, but if someone happens to come by, that'll be cool.
Michael: So, we're on! I'll bring the beer!
Fez: Donna, I've never been to an American party. May I come?
Donna: I don't care. So, Eric, will you be there?
Eric: Eric:
[not looking up from the newspaper]
Eric: Yeah, sure.
Jackie: [Donna leaves the basement and Jackie smacks Eric and Kelso across the backs of their heads] You are both so stupid!
Steven: That's a first! I actually agree with Jackie!
[to Eric]
Steven: She totally put on a full court press, man, and you dropped the ball!
Eric: What are you talking about? All she said was, she's going to be alone Saturday, order a pizza... Oh, my God, I'm so stupid!

Steven: Seriously, Jackie, don't you have something to say?
Jackie: Like what?
Steven: I don't know... "I'm a spoiled, crazy, whack job and I'm sorry?"
Fez: That's no way to talk to a lady.
Michael: Especially a spoiled, crazy, whack job that's likely to get you killed!
Reginald: [entering] Oh, my God! There's a hundred morons in my basement! Not even *that's* going to ruin my day.
Eric: Yes! Only one, and *one* man only, has the power to do that! 'Tis I!
Reginald: No, not even *you* can do that. And who the hell talks like that?
Kitty: Red, honey, you were happy, remember?
Reginald: Today's the first day of winter and I'm going fishing.
Kitty: I'll come too. I'll grab my fishing stick.
Reginald: I don't want to go.
Kitty: Why not?
Reginald: Because I don't want you to go.
Michael: [using a golf club to mimic a pump shotgun] Burn!

Jackie: Lobster face!
Donna: Little Red Riding *bitch*!

[Hyde just left and Jackie makes up an excuse to leave as well]
Jackie: I just remembered that I have to go to the mall because they're having this big "Monday Madness Sale".
Donna: Jackie, it's Tuesday.
Jackie: See? Total madness!

[Jackie has just beaten up Laurie]
Hyde: You kicked her ass, man!
Jackie: [exhausted] Yeah... yeah... whatever.

Michael: Grrr! Could you *be* any more annoying?
Jackie: YES!

Jackie: I never thought I'd say this to someone wearing cashmere, but I don't think we can be friends.

Jackie: We're going to be partners!
[Hyde just stares at her]
Jackie: Skating partners!
Steven: How about, instead, you hit me in the face with a wrench and I black out?

Donna: Where's Buddy?
Eric: Oh, Buddy. Um, well, Buddy got... busy, so...
Jackie: Yeah, I mean, I'm sure he has lots to do. He *is* popular.
Fez: Yeah. And so obviously gay!
[Eric squirms]

Donna: Excuse me. Jackie, when exactly did you lose your soul?
Jackie: Umm, cheerleading camp.

Michael: Alright, look. Jackie, here's the deal. You cheated on me.
Jackie: You used to cheat on me all the time.
Michael: Yeah? Well, yeah. But you cheated out of hate, and I cheated out of joy.

Donna: If you keep stuffing your face like this your gonna get...
Jackie: Don't you dare say it, you bitch!
Donna: Fat!

Jackie: It's true, I love Steven Hyde. And someday he will love me. And he'll cut off those stupid side burns and we'll live happily ever after!
Eric: What?

Patty: Jackie Burkhart! Welcome to the LOPP's Christmas Party! Where's your boyfriend?
Jackie: Oh, um... He can't be here. He's at rich... stockbrokers school.
Patty: Well, then, I'm just gonna have to seat you with the Single Ladies Of Point Place.
Jackie: The *SLOPPs*?
Donna: Ha! You're a SLOPP!

Jackie: Fez, why did you lie to her? You didn't go out last night, you just lay in front of the TV, trying to look up Victoria Principal's skirt!

Jackie: [to Donna and Randy] So, have you guys had sex yet?
Donna: [outraged] Jackie!
Steven: My money's on "no". Donna is a strong, independent woman who feels that men should respect women for their minds. In other words, she's a big, fat tease.
Fez: Well, I think it's going to happen soon, because normally, Donna only shaves her legs up to her knees. But this morning, she went all the way from Miami to Jacksonville.

Jackie: [the gang is sitting in the car while Eric finds a solution to get out of the snow] This is awful! We're all going to die and I love Michael!
Fez,30471: Shut up!

Jackie: Fez, I'm cold.
Fez: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a rat's ass.

Jackie: [tired of Kelso spying on her] Michael, you've lost your mind!
Michael: Yep, and I don't miss it!

Jackie: I wish my Daddy could buy him for me.

Jackie: I am so disgusted!
[Over Eric's behavior]
Melissa: I know - there are WAY too many girls at this party! I can't even smell my own perfume!
Jackie: Well, you're the only one.
[Looks around]
Jackie: You may not even the prettiest girl here..
Melissa: You shut your hole!

Kitty: Now, Jackie, have you ever made a pie before?
Jackie: No, I don't really cook much. I just plan on getting by on my looks.

[Kelso is sitting on the basement couch, reading a book. Fez and Hyde enter from Hyde's room]
Steven: Kelso, what the hell are you doing with a book?
Michael: Reading.
[Hyde and Fez snicker]
Michael: I am reading, 'cause what good is having brains if you got nothing up here?
[Kelso taps his skull. Jackie comes down the stairs]
Jackie: Hey.
[Jackie and Hyde kiss, then sit down]
Jackie: So, I saw my Dad in prison today.
Steven: Oh. How was it?
Jackie: Well, first it was a real downer. Then I realized that I'll be okay without my Dad because the SAT proved that there's another man who could take care of me.
Steven: You'd better be talking about Santa Claus.
Jackie: No, Steven, I'm talking about you, because you have potential.
Michael: He doesn't have potential. *I* have potential. Like, I'm reading "Moby Dick", and I'm not even halfway through, and I can already tell you the ending: the whale is a robot.

Jackie: Look, just because Fez matched up with a few things on my list, it doesn't mean we were meant for each other - it's like I'm Beauty and he's the Beast!

Eric: How can I lose a 25-pound ring?
Michael: I once lost a six-foot, rubber chili dog. I still haven't found it, it's just gone!
Eric: Hyde, this is all your fault! You told Jackie I didn't like the ring!
Michael: Hyde stabbed you in the back? No, he wouldn't do a thing like that. Like he didn't steal Jackie from me. Oh, wait a minute!
Steven: [to Eric] Look, man. I told her not to tell.
Eric: And I told *you* not to tell!
Michael: [to Hyde] You and Jackie are gossiping now. The more you go out, the more like each other you become!
Eric: Who knows what you and your little girlfriend are going to be up to in a couple of months!
Jackie: [fantasy cheerleader sequence] 2,4,6,8! Who do we appreciate? Go, team!
Steven: 2,4,6,8! Who do we appreciate? Go, team! Jackie, I heard the best piece of gossip! Eric Forman doesn't have any school spirit!
Jackie: I'm telling *everyone*!
Steven: Too late! I already did!
[fantasy sequence ends]
Steven: First of all, Jackie's not my girlfriend, and second of all, I'm not the only one who spills stuff around here.
Eric: You're right. Hey, Kelso! Hyde watches "Little House on the Prairie"!
Michael: [laughing] "Little House on the Prairie"?
Steven: It reminds me of a simpler time.

Jackie: No offense, Eric, but your sister is as slutty as they come.
Michael: Eric, would you let her talk about your sister like that?
Eric: Sure.

[Jackie's mom has left home]
Kitty: Honey, do you have any idea where she might be?
Jackie: Well, the last postcard I got had a picture of some guy with a bone through his nose. What is that? Like, Tennessee?

Jackie: I don't get it - who's the Low Rider?
Donna: It's me!
Jackie: I think he's calling you a whore!

Jackie: I would never be in an alley because I'm not poor and if I ever *was* in an alley, I would have a boy with me to protect me.
Donna: Jackie, you're not always going to be with a guy. You're not with one now and no, I don't count.

[at Leo's Foto Hut, Jackie is talking to Leo while he looks at photos]
Jackie: Yeah, there's a lot of things about Steven that I used to not like, but now, I really like. Like... Well, I thought his pork chop sideburns were a sign that he was poor and dirty and living in a shack. But then... But then I realized that Elvis had sideburns and he lived in Graceland. Well, that was an eye-opener!
[Hyde enters]
Jackie: There he is! Hi, Steven!
Hyde: [to Leo] What is *she* doing here?
Leo: I think she is hitting on me, man. But I ain't interested. Tell her I ain't interested and make her go away.
Jackie: Hitting on you? I'm not hitting on you, you relic!
Leo: Hey, name-calling is no way to win someone's heart.
Jackie: What are you talking about?
Leo: What are *you* talking about?
Jackie: What are *you* talking about?
Leo: What are *you* talking about?
Jackie: What are *you* talking about?
[Hyde leaves]
Leo: What are you talking about?
Jackie: Great! Now he got away! Steven!
[Jackie goes after Hyde]
Leo: [to himself] What was she talking about?

[Donna tells Jackie she has two tickets for Led Zeppelin]
Jackie: Zeppelin? Oh, my God! That's a band, right?

Jackie: [angrily] Michael, Steven just told me that instead of buying me a dress, you spent my 50 dollars on this stupid machine!
[Kelso looks accusingly at Hyde]
Steven: [to Jackie] Jackie, I did not.
[Hyde looks at Kelso, smiling]
Steven: [chuckles] Oh, yeah... I did.
Michael: Jackie, listen. There's an old saying: "You buy a girl a dress, and she looks pretty for one night. But you buy her boyfriend a pinball machine, and she looks pretty for life".
Jackie: Okay. Here's another old saying, Michael: "You're dumb as dirt".
Eric: That's true. That was in the yearbook.
Michael: Okay! Okay! All right. Listen, listen. So, I bought a half stake in this machine, all right? So, that means for every quarter I put into it, I get half back. That's a 50% profit!
Fez: Uh, actually, Kelso, I think that's a 50% loss.
Michael: Fez, I know it's hard for a foreigner to understand our complicated capitalist system. But we're dealing with quarters here, not frogs or chickens.
Fez: Well, I'm not going to dignify that with a response... because I can't think of one. But, when I do, a good day to you!

Jackie: Steven, I CANNOT be held responsible for the things that come out of my mouth!

Jackie: [Kelso arrives after his day at the Police Academy] Michael, you got another 'D' on a test? Isn't this your fourth 'D' in a row?
Michael: Yeah. It's just on the Penal Code stuff. "Criminals have the right to an attorney, criminals are innocent until proven guilty". Just crazy liberal gibberish.
Steven: [to Fez] What are you laughin' at?
Fez: He said 'Penal Code'.
Jackie: Fez, it doesn't mean that. It's from the word 'penalty'. 'Penal'.
Steven: [Fez can't control his giggling] You're like a four-year-old. It's a legal term: 'Penal'.
Steven: [now Hyde is laughing, too] It's kinda funny.
Brooke: [Brooke comes in] Hey, guys. Hey, Michael, how'd your Penal Code test go?
Michael: [Hyde and Fez can't control their laughter as Kelso lies to impress Brooke] I did great. I got another 'B'.
Brooke: Oh, that's your fourth 'B' in a row! I'm so proud of you! Can I see it?
Michael: [suddenly on the spot] Uh... uh, you could, but, uh, I didn't write anything down, 'cause the test was, uh, oral.
Steven: [bursting with laughter] Oral test on the Penal Code!

Jackie: Besides, college sucks! It's all those smart people, and none of them are as pretty as me.
Michael: That's true, half the people in this room should be in magazines! But only half, and the other half, you know who you are.

Jackie: Oh, so suddenly YOUR happiness is more important than MINE? You are SO selfish!

Donna: [showing Jackie her promise ring] Look at it! Isn't it pretty?
Jackie: Yeah. I really should introduce you to my friend, Nail Polish.

Jackie: I mean, it's simple. The woman just needs to be a cook in the kitchen, a maid in the living room, and an acrobat in the bedroom. And I can hire a cook and a maid.

[Fez is furious at Jackie for carelessly flooding the apartment, and demands that she leave]
Fez: You pushed it too far! I want you out!
Jackie: Wait, what? Fez, where am I supposed to go?
Fez: [sarcastically] Oh, how about this: why don't you go down to "I Don't Care" Street, make a left on "Get Out Of My Life" Boulevard, and take the express bus to downtown "Suck It"!
[Fez walks away angrily]

Michael: Jackie, why do you wanna go anyway? You hate Led Zeppelin.
Jackie: I never said I hated them, Michael. For your information, I think Led is hot.

Michael: That's Fez. He's a foreign exchange student.
Jackie: Who did we exchange for him?

Jackie: When Michael was cheating on me, I was devastated. But, eventually, I learned that the saying is true: 'It's better to have loved and lost than to be butt-ugly'.

[Kelso's superhero fantasy]
Michael: [as Batman] Okay, Super Pals, I'm gonna need a status report.
Steven: [as a Wonder Twin, stops making out with Wonder Twin Jackie] My sensors indicate peace and quiet throughout the universe.
Fez: [as Aquaman] The oceans are secure, but I can't check for another 45 minutes because I just ate.
Eric: [as Superman, entering with Donna as Wonder Woman] Hey, guys!
Michael: Oh, no! You've been brainwashed and forced to wear this hideous ring!
Donna: Actually, its a gift.
Steven: Worst form of gift ever!
[holds his fist out to the side]
Jackie: [as the other Wonder Twin] Shape up!
[to Wonder Twin Hyde]
Jackie: I hope he kept the receipt.
Eric: Alien zombies are attacking the Earth! Let's swing into action, gang!
Michael: Hold it, we're still on this ring.
Steven: Are you sure it's not an alien artifact?
Donna: I got it at the mall!
Reginald: [Red appears on the video monitor] Greetings, dumbasses!
Eric: Uh-oh! It's Dr. Bald!
Reginald: My army of alien zombies is invading! Good Lord, that is an *ugly* ring! Alien zombies, get a load of that ring!
Eric: That's it! This thing's coming off!
Steven: Careful, man! You drop something that big and heavy, it'll throw off the Earth's rotation! We'll all go crashing into the sun!
Michael: Yeah! Way to use science in a burn!

Jackie: Laurie makes me so mad! I just want to rip out her hair, show it to her, and hope it doesn't grow back! I hate her!
Hyde: Jackie, that's what she wants. She feeds on your anger, man. It only makes her stronger.
Jackie: Well, then, what am I supposed to do?
Hyde: If you really want to get under her skin, you have to be Zen.
Jackie: Zen? Okay, you can't just make up words, Hyde.
Hyde: No, man, Zen. At peace. Aloof. Zen.
Jackie: Oh. Okay, then. Hyde, will you teach me how to be Zen?
Hyde: You can't just teach someone to be Zen, Jackie. You can only *learn* to be Zen.
Jackie: Okay, I don't understand.
Hyde: Exactly. And that's your first lesson.
Jackie: Huh?

Fez: Aiyy, ENOUGH! Kelso, if you want to win a woman, this is what you must do.
[Takes Jackie's hand]
Fez: I, as a mortal, am not worthy of your love, and I spend every moment worshipping you...
Michael: [Grabs Jackie's hand away] What he said.
Jackie: Oh, Michael!
[Begins kissing him passionately, to Fez's dismay]

Jackie: There were dogs on the path so we climbed to the top of this tall thing to get away from them.
Donna: That was me!
Fez: Dogs?
Donna: What did you do?
Eric: What? Nothing! Kelso thought there was a death ray so he called the White House and we thought the Feds were after us! But it's okay, we just imagined it.
Donna: I'm cutting you off! Where's your stash?
Michael: Its all gone, man.

Donna: David Milbank? Aw, barf! Eric, remember when you beat him up on the playground?
Eric: Yep!
[grinning]
Eric: I kicked his ass.
Jackie: Wait, wasn't he the kid with scoliosis and asthma?
Eric: Yep.
[excitedly]
Eric: And I kicked his *ass*!

Jackie: Wow, all this cleaning is kind of satisfying; you know, I bet my maid is glad she's not a doctor in her own country anymore!

[Hyde and Jackie are sitting on the hood of her car at night. Hyde takes a swallow of his pop. Jackie looks at him and smiles]
Jackie: This is the best date ever.
Hyde: Jackie, we haven't talked in 30 minutes.
Jackie: That's okay. Steven, you don't have to say anything. I understand you.
Hyde: [sneers] Oh, you do, do you?
Jackie: Sure. Okay, so you're probably sitting there thinking, "I'm on this date with this girl who really, really likes me, and, and she's so beautiful that..."
Hyde: Jackie...
[Jackie puts her finger to Hyde's lips to silence him]
Jackie: Shhh. And you're wondering, "How can I open up to her when everyone I have ever loved has abandoned me. Am I even worthy of love?". Well, you are, Steven. You are.
[Hyde looks at her for a moment, then covers his eyes and seems to start crying. Jackie puts her arm around him for comfort]
Jackie: It's okay, Steven, it's okay. You know what? Let it out. Let it all out.
Hyde: [in whimpering voice] Okay.
Jackie: It's okay.
[Hyde lifts his face to reveal he wasn't really crying and blows a raspberry in her face. Jackie calmly wipes the spit off her cheek and then jumps off the car]
Jackie: Let's go home!
Hyde: Oh, c'mon, I'm kidding! No, this is, this is alright. We can hang out here for awhile, okay? God...
[Jackie walks around the car and rejoins Hyde, smiling. Hyde offers her some pop]
Hyde: Here, have some of my pop.
Jackie: [takes the pop] Sure.
[Jackie smiles at Hyde, gets closer to him, takes his arm and puts it around her shoulder]
Hyde: Okay.
[Jackie takes a sip from the pop]

Fez: [Last lines] Okay. Here's how you make fruit salad. First, let me squeeze those melons.
Jackie: [the Landlord is eavesdropping on Fez and Jackie] Oh, aren't they nice and firm?
Fez: Yes. Now grab my banana.
Jackie: Oh, it's huge!
The: [Opens the door and rushes into the apartment] Alright, you perverts! Stop it right now!
[sees that he was mistaken]
The: Another fruit salad? Why can't they ever be having sex?

Jackie: I just want to listen to the guitar solo one more time.
Steven: Not again! Put the headphones on!
[Jackie holds up the cord, plugs it in and then puts on the headphones]
Steven: Now, wrap it around your neck.

Jackie: Hey, Fez, I just made up a poem. Do you want to hear it?
Fez: Okay.
Jackie: There once was a guy named Fez... who had a really cute butt!
Fez: Well, I have to say... I don't hate it.

Jackie: Why am I not "Snow Queen"? For the last two weeks, I was nice to *everybody*. Well, maybe not the A.V. Club, but I mean, come on.
Michael: Jackie, you can't just be nice for two weeks. You have to be nice all the time. Or else very handsome.

Jackie: Eric, if it makes you feel any better, Michael was really bad his first time, too.
Eric: Oh, that's supposed to make me feel better?
Jackie: Doesn't it?
Eric: [realizes it does] Yeah, a little. Thanks, Jackie.

Jackie: [Jackie shows up after work in her cheese shop uniform] I am *so* exhausted!
Eric: Yeah, the commute from Austria must be a real bitch.

Jackie: Michael, why did you do this?
Michael: Because I thought that if a party with ten people was fun, then a party with thirty people would be twice as fun!

Reginald: [as Jackie tries to cheer Kitty up, after Kitty learns Eric and Donna are "sexually active"] Jackie? Oh, good, you're here. Now, get out.
Jackie: I'm trying to help.
Reginald: You wanna help? Go make me a sandwich.

Jackie: Oh. You're here. Didn't know they let slut-balls in here.
Annette: Well, I saw you here so I thought it was okay.
Jackie: Oh, you don't know it but you just burnt yourself.
Annette: Oh, I know it. The question is: do *you* know it?
Eric: Donna, are you following this?
Donna: Um, I think one of them is a slut-ball and the other one knows it.

[to Donna]
Jackie: Look, Donna, I know you're nervous about seeing people at school after running away and all. But I want you to know it's all under control. I told everyone you went away to have a baby.

[Eric catches Jackie and Todd kissing]
Jackie: Eric! Did you get a haircut? 'Cause I love it. You look just like Parker Stevenson.
Eric: Oh, really? 'Cause I told the guy he should.... No! No, no. That's not gonna work, tramp-face. I saw tongue!

Jackie: But what if this is all I get? What if Steven never wants to settle down? What if I'm just stuck alone in my pink bedroom forever?
Fez: [sighs heavily] Fine, I'll go! But remember, you're never alone in there.

Jackie: Okay, Fez. I just want to thank you for last night. I know I wasn't my super-cute self, and I'm sorry. But you're a really good friend.
Fez: But, Jackie, I was hoping that perhaps we could be more than friends?
Jackie: Well, hope springs eternal, Fez. How 'bout you just keep worshipping me from afar and stay available. Just in case.
Fez: You would do that for me? That's a sweet deal!

Donna: Are you going to help me find her?
Jackie: Well, I have to! If we don't find that little girl, I'm going to get, like, a half hour of detention!

[Jackie receives a paycheck - the first salary she has ever earned in her life]
Jackie: [excited] Oh my gosh! It's a check!
[Jackie points to the corner of the check]
Jackie: And that's my name! Mine!
Michael: So... we can stay together!
Jackie: Yeah, and I can still be rich!
Michael: Yeah!
Donna: Well, if this isn't gonna go badly, I'm heading home.
[Donna turns to leave]
Michael: No, wait. Jackie deserves a celebration. Hey, let's go buy me that remote control car!
Jackie: [firmly] No, Michael. Money doesn't grow on trees.
[Jackie pauses, realizing what she has just said]
Jackie: Money *doesn't* grow on trees. You know, I think having a job is changing me. Okay, think about it: a whole new me.
Michael: That'll be great!

Hilary: [to Jackie] How would YOU know? Wait, have you guys dated?
Jackie: Ew, no! We're just roommates.
Hilary: Fez, you told me you had your own place! You called it the Feznasium...

[Fez is dressed up as Batman, for Halloween]
Jackie: Donna, you know who protected me back there? Fez.
Donna: He had to. He's Batman.

Jackie: I was waiting outside for Michael to pick me up, but the idiot never showed.
Todd: That's the third time this week. Three strikes and he's out according to the rules of baseball... and love.
Jackie: Actually, it's four strikes, if you count the time he showed up late 'cause he had to see how the Jetsons ended.
Todd: Oh, man. First he goes behind your back and takes that modeling job and now this whole Jetsons thing. No futuristic cartoon could ever keep *me* from you.

Michael: Hey, check out this article in "Boys' Life."
Eric: "The Square Knot: Not Just For Squares"?
Michael: No, this one about being an astronaut. I think I'm gonna do that.
Jackie: Michael, I think as a prerequisite for being an astronaut, you have to be not dumb.
Michael: Uh-uhhh. If they can send a monkey into space, they can send me.
Steven: I don't know. Monkeys are pretty smart.
Michael: Alright, fine, fine, make fun. When you see my shoe prints on the moon, what are you gonna say then?
Eric: Probably "Hey, some monkey's wearing Kelso's shoes!"

Jackie: [to the karate instructor] Someone might follow one of these other women home, but when people follow me, it's usually to ask me where I get my hair done or to give me presents.
Donna: That's true. I've seen it.

Jackie: How do you really feel about Casey?
Donna: [shyly] I don't know.
Jackie: Well, how do you feel about his hair?
Donna: Love it. Lots of body.
Jackie: And his body?
Donna: Love it. Lots of hair.
Jackie: How 'bout his car?
Donna: I love it. Trans Ams kick ass.
Jackie: So, hair, body and car. The big three. The Holy Trinity of Love.

Michael: You owe me money.
Jackie: Michael, your uncle gave you that van for free.
Michael: Yeah? Well, I put a lot of money into that van. The shag carpeting, the 8-track, strobe light, black light, red light.
Jackie: I hate you!
Michael: Well, I hate you more!
Jackie: I hate you *most*!
Michael: Well, I hate you the... Damn it!
Steven: All right. All right. Let's just act like adults and treat this like what it really is - a divorce.
Fez: Oh, Jackie, you get custody of me.
Steven: All right. Let's just figure out what you guys owe each other.
Jackie: Fine. I'm not afraid. I'm right, and he's a total moocher.
Michael: I'm not afraid, either. There are laws to protect a man and his van.
Steven: For instance, the Man-Van Act of 1847.
Michael: Right!
Steven: [takes a notepad and starts writing] All right. All right. Jackie, in your opinion, what are the goods and services that Kelso owes you for?
Jackie: Everything! He was a total doofus before I met him. In fact, I bought you that belt, so, hand it over. And the shirt, too.
Michael: Fine. You know, this shirt has bad memories of you buying me stuff anyway.
[Kelso takes off his shirt and gives it to Jackie]
Fez: [takes the notepad from Hyde] Here, let me do the math. Okay. Now, Kelso. Uh, Kelso owes Jackie the price for breaking her beautiful heart and stealing her innocence. Now, Kelso, what do you believe Jackie owes you?
Michael: Well... uh... w... One time I told her that she looked pretty when really she looked pretty skanky.
[angrily, Jackie slaps Kelso on his bare chest]
Michael: And... and... Hyde, help me out here.
Steven: Okay. Let me think. Oh! Don't forget he burned your house.
Michael: Hyde!
Steven: Dude, you burned her house.

Reginald: Alright, I admit that we saw Pam's... them.
[Hyde nods. Kitty scowls]
Reginald: But it's not like we planned it.
Steven: Although our timing couldn't have been better.
Jackie: Oh, I think you mean "worse", Steven.
Steven: No, I'm pretty sure I meant "better".

Jackie: I bought it, in the ghetto.
Hyde: Jackie, there is no ghetto, there's like, that one house that needs painted

Steven: Hello, my minimum wage friend. I demand service.
Eric: Welcome to Fatso Burger. How may I serve you?
Steven: That is so sad, Burger Boy!
Michael: Jackie, I've been wracking my brain trying to think of why this guy didn't hire me.
Jackie: Michael, I'm so sick of hearing this. You've still got me.
Michael: I'm good looking and he's jealous! This body's a curse!
Jackie: If you worked, you wouldn't be able to see me whenever I wanted, lover.
[They kiss]
Fez: Please! Stop touching! It gives me needs.

[Hyde, Jackie and Fez are listening to Kelso]
Michael: Okay, Jackie. There are some things I haven't been honest about that I feel like you should know.
Jackie: [nods] Okay.
[Jackie looks at Hyde and Fez]
Jackie: Why are they here?
Michael: Well, Hyde helpfully pointed out that it's not really honesty unless your friends are allowed to watch.
[Hyde smiles]
Michael: So, anyway, I made a list.
Steven: [to Jackie] The list was my idea.
Michael: Thank you for that, Hyde. Okay, so let's just get started. Um, that picture you saw of me in kindergarten? Those weren't puffy pants. It was a big-boy diaper.
[Hyde and Fez chuckle. Some time later: ]
Michael: ...and that time you came out of the shower and you thought you saw a flash? I *did* take your picture. This one time you asked me if you had anything in your teeth and you did, but I said no, 'cause it's funnier that way.
[Hyde is enjoying. Jackie's expression becomes more and more sour. Some time later: ]
Michael: ...when we were about to fool around and I said that I washed my hands? But, really, I just got done playing with, like, six dogs.
[Jackie looks at Hyde, who barely suppresses his laughter. Fez looks disgusted]
Michael: But, that's not as bad...
Jackie: [sharply] All right, Michael, stop! Okay, Michael, I think we need to work on *selective* honesty.
Fez: [disgusted] Yes, that and basic hygiene. Seriously, good God, man.
[Fez leaves]
Jackie: Okay, Michael, unless one of your secrets involves kissing a girl, I don't need to know about it.
[Jackie walks to the door]
Michael: Okay. All right.
Michael: [to Hyde] Oh, science fact: dogs are cleaner than humans.
[Kelso and Jackie leave]

Jackie: [to Donna] Everybody wants their first make-out to be special, in someplace romantic, like Ireland or Disney World.

Jackie: Well, I have a date too.
Michael: Who is he? What's his name?
Jackie: His name is... not important. What's important is, he's better than you, in every single conceivable way.
Michael: DAMN, JACKIE. THAT COULD BE ANYBODY.

Michael: Jackie, what are these?
[takes a pair of drumsticks from the back of his van]
Jackie: Umm, vansticks?

Jackie: Wait. Is Fez Puerto Rican?
Donna: You know what? I don't know.

Michael: Jackie, where did you go?
Jackie: I had to go and get something for you to bite on. I told everyone you were having a seizure.

Donna: It's kinda cold.
Eric: Here! Take my jacket.
Donna: I love you.
Eric: God, we are such the... perfect couple.
Jackie: [looking at Kelso] I'm cold, too.
Michael: Well, damn, Jackie, I can't control the weather!

[Eric and Donna walk in on Jackie and Hyde, making out]
Jackie: Okay, so, um... What exactly did you see?
Eric: Hands, tongues, yours, his. It was horrible!
Donna: You were like Siamese twins joined at the beard!

[Hyde, Jackie, and Fez are playing Monopoly]
Jackie: This game is just like real life! I am the richest of all!

Jackie: [Gives Donna a gift] Happy Birthday! I got you a diary - I noticed you needed a new one when I was reading your old one.

[Hyde explains how he and Jackie got together]
Steven: It was obvious she wanted me.
[Hyde reminisces]
Jackie: I want you.
Steven: It's obvious.

Steven: [Indicating William's historic collectible guitar] This thing's totally destroyed!
Jackie: You know what else happened at the party? This guy grabbed my butt, and his girlfriend saw him and got really mad - I think they broke up!
[laughs]
Jackie: I had a great time!

Jackie: My Magic Eightball said it was a good idea, and that thing's right, like, one out of six times - which is pretty good for a ball!

Michael: Come on, Eric, we're a team.
Jackie: Yeah. Michael is the looks, Steven is the brain, and you? Your house has food.

Jackie: Wait. He just offered you a modelling job? Yeah, sounds a little suspicious. I mean, how do you know it's the owner?
Michael: 'Cause it was Mr. Halverson.
Jackie: How do you know it was Mr. Halverson?
Michael: 'Cause I said, "Aren't you Mr. Halverson?", and he said, "Yeah".
Eric: Hey, Hyde, aren't *you* Mr. Halverson?
Steven: Yeah.

Jackie: Hyde? Fez? Michael!
Michael: Oh, good! It's Hyde, Fez and Michael!

Michael: I can't believe I'm the stooge.
Jackie: Michael, it's just the way some people are, okay? Some people are lazy, some people are clumsy, some people are stooges.
Steven: You're lucky enough to be all three.

Michael: Hey, have you guys seen Fez? He was supposed to meet me at the Hub, like, an hour ago.
Eric: Where's the last place you saw him?
Michael: Down in the basement... with a box of Playboys...
Jackie: Oh, my God!
Eric: I'll get the first aid kit...

Jackie: Everyone, I have really exciting news! I joined a Big Sister program, so now I have someone I'd like you all to meet!
[Pulls Colette into the basement]
Jackie: I call her Little Jackie.
Colette: For the last frealin' time, I'm NOTJackie! My name i Colette!
Jackie: I'm trying to like her, but she's a little mouthy.

Jackie: You're mad at me for telling Donna Eric's secret? I tell secrets, that's who I am!
Steven: All I know is, if you're going to be my girlfriend, you can't go shooting off your big, fat, cheerleader mouth!
Jackie: Wait! You just called me your girlfriend!
Steven: No, I didn't.
Jackie: Yes, you did!
Steven: No, I didn't.
Jackie: Yes, you did!
Steven: No, I didn't.
Jackie: Yes, you did! Shut up, you're ruining it!
[moving to his bed]
Jackie: Listen, I'll stop telling secrets if you admit I'm your girlfriend.
Steven: No! The price is too high!
Jackie: I'm going to tell everyone everything anyway. Starting with, you called me your "girlfriend"!
Steven: You're blackmailing me now? You're coming along nicely!
[they kiss]

Jackie: Okay, the beauty ambulance has arrived!

Jackie: Michael, I have some bad news. I just found out I have "BHD".
Michael: "BHD"?
Jackie: Yeah, "Brutal Hair Disease". I have to go to the hospital tomorrow and get all my hair shaved off.
Michael: So, you'll be...
Jackie: Bald, Michael. B-A-L-D. No hair, shiny head, *bald*. And my hair... won't *ever* grow back, either. Will you still love me when I'm bald?
Michael: You can wear a wig?
Jackie: So, Michael. Are you saying you would *not* love me if I didn't have a luscious, full-bodied head of hair?
Michael: [sees Donna laughing at him and realizes he's being tested] *Oh*! No, Jackie, no! I would love you even *more*! I would shave off my hair and paste it to your head!
Jackie: Michael, that's beautiful!
[leaves]
Michael: [to Donna] That was a test, right? 'Cause bald chicks are gross.

[Fez breaks up with Caroline and doesn't dare to say it's because she's crazy]
Fez: Umm... because... Donna and I are in love!
Caroline: *What*?
Donna: Oh, my God!
Jackie: Eeewwww!

Jackie: I can't believe you, Michael!
Michael: What?
Jackie: You can't just maul me in front of my father!
Michael: I bet he didn't even notice.
Jackie: He yelled at you to stop it!
Michael: I thought he was yelling at you.

Eric: Oh, hey, Jackie... I just left my coat here after Donna and I - well, I'm sure she already filled you in on all of the juicy details...
Jackie: [Smirking] Yeah, I heard all about your little leg cramp.

Donna: Where are they, you pervert?
Fez: Donna, you have to leave!
Donna: I'm not going anywhere without my pictures!
Fez: Shhhh! What pictures?
Donna: The naked ones of me! The ones in the Barry White record you bought!
Fez: Ah, crap!
[Caroline screams]
Caroline: [Comes into the living room with the naked pictures] What the hell are these? And what is she doing here?
Donna: Will you give me those!
Caroline: Fez, I thought you said you lived alone!
Fez: I do! She's just visiting, I swear! There is no one else that lives here.
Jackie: [Coming out of her room] Screw this! You know, I'm not gonna sit locked up in my room with stale marshmallows! I live here, too!
Fez: Oh, that's incredibly bad timing.
Caroline: *Two* women?
Fez: Okay. Caroline, I have to be honest with you. Juanita and Maria Jose are my maids.
Caroline: Well, then. They can clean up your blood!
[Pushes Jackie and Donna out of the way and tackles Fez]

[Kelso is talking in his sleep. Jackie is listening]
Michael: This isn't going to work, Jackie.
Jackie: Us, Michael? Are we not going to work?
Michael: [still sleeping] No. The car. The carburetor is busted.
Jackie: [annoyed] This was all because of a stupid car?
Michael: [still sleeping] We're gonna have to take the bus to our wedding.
[Jackie smiles happily, thinking that Kelso means her]
Jackie: Our wedding? Oh Michael, that is so sweet! I love you, Michael Kelso.
Michael: [still sleeping] I love you too, Jackie Onassis.
[Jackie's smile immediately fades]

Fez: I was just showing Caroline the back of my new car and my tongue.
Michael: Fez, this isn't your car.
Jackie: Yeah, foreigners can't drive here unless it's a cab.

Jackie: You're coming over to my house tonight. And we're gonna... "study".
Michael: Come on. I never get to do anything fun.
Steven: God, you're dumb.
Michael: Well I guess that's why I gotta go "STUDY".

Jackie: Come on, Michael. Let's go somewhere where our love is accepted.
Eric: While you're there, you might want to check out the monkey cages.

Steven: Guys, can we do something besides cruise? That's the third time tonight we've driven by that house.
Michael: I know what we could do. We could go skinny dipping.
[everyone looks at him]
Michael: Naked! That's the way God intended.
Jackie: No way.
Michael: Why not? It'd be fun.
Donna: Sure, it's fun for you guys, 'cause you can look at us, and that's a treat. But we just look at you. And that's nasty.
Eric: So, you don't want to do it?
Donna: Well... I don't care. I'll do it.
Eric: You... Okay, I'm in.
Fez: Naked is dirty.
[singing]
Fez: Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
All: Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
Jackie: [the screen flips. Everyone is in the car, naked] This was such a great idea, Michael. This was so much fun. Oh, wait, except for the part when our clothes got stolen, you idiot!
Steven: By the way, Fez, nice tattoo, man.
Fez: Thank you. It is the Blessed Virgin of Yorba Linda. Do you want to see her dance?
All: No!
Eric: Guys, we need a plan. I'm not driving up to the house with a car full of naked people. Red hates you guys when you're dressed.
Steven: We can go to my house.
Michael: Yeah, your mom's used of having naked guys around.
Steven: She's not even home, you moron!
[Hyde punches Kelso on the shoulder]
Fez: Put on the top forty.
[Fez reaches over for the radio]
Steven: Whoa, sit down, Fez! I see London, I see Besticle!
Fez: Well, what do you want me to do about it?
Steven: I don't know. Tuck it in!

[Kelso is sitting on the couch, wearing only his undershorts, shivering cold. Hyde is still calculating what Jackie and Kelso owe each other. Fez is playing with a yo-yo]
Michael: I'm cold.
Fez: That must be why your nipples are so pointy.
[Kelso slaps Fez's arm]
Fez: Oh, "Pointy Nipple Man" is mad. I hope he doesn't poke me with his pointy nipples.
Steven: All right, that was really disturbing. Okay. Here we go. According to my calculations: for repairs to the van, Jackie, you owe Kelso $65.
Michael: [triumphantly] Aha! Justice!
Steven: Yeah. And, Kelso, you owe Jackie $8,265.
[Kelso is shocked to hear that]
Jackie: [triumphantly] Aha! Pay up, moocher!
Michael: Wha-wha... no! No! This is... That's totally unfair! Hyde, you suck.
Steven: You could have been a man and forgiven her. But, no, you wanted to do the math.
Michael: Man, math has never been my friend. Wait. No. But she had other guys in my van!
Jackie: Michael, *you* had other girls in your van while we were dating! So, give me my $8,000!
Michael: Okay. I change my mind. I forgive you.
[Jackie glares at Kelso]

Steven: Jackie... I love you.
Jackie: [long silence] Yeah, well, I don't love you.

Fez: Peter Frampton, who's that?
Steven: Peter Frampton, the talentless idiot that a million brainless teenage girls made a huge star!
Jackie: I LOVE Peter Frampton!
Steven: A million and one...

Jackie: Steven Hyde, you were right. We will never be friends. We'll be *more* than friends. Because now, I love you!
Hyde: Oh, my God! Will you shut up?

Eric: Why aren't you wearing the ring on your hand?
Donna: I don't know. I didn't think it was a big deal.
Jackie: Oh, that is *not* true! I *told* you...
[to the others]
Jackie: I *told* her it was a big deal!

Michael: You want to see Fez and Eric run around? Someone might get hurt. It's funny when people get hurt.
Steven: Especially when they're in their underwear.
Jackie: Michael, the only one dumb enough to get hurt around here is you.
Michael: Okay, Jackie, I'm really starting to get sick-
[cuts his finger on soda can]
Michael: OWW!

Donna: [Reading invitation] You are hereby invited to a fabulous dinner party.
Jackie: The dress is semi-formal casual.
Fez: Oh, good! Finally I can wear my tuxedo t-shirt!

Michael: Now, I'm going to drink my raw eggs.
Jackie: Oh, Michael, no.
Michael: No, Jackie, wait until I finish my eggs.
Jackie: But, Michael...
Michael: Jackie, whatever it is, it can wait until I finish my eggs!
Jackie: Fine!
[Kelso drinks the raw eggs]
Michael: There. Now, what is it that's so important that you had to tell me?
Jackie: You're allergic to eggs.
[Kelso thinks and then laughs]
Michael: Oh, yeah, I am.
Michael: [still laughing] I have to go to the hospital now.

Donna: You have to tell Kelso. If you don't, I will.
Jackie: Thank you, Donna! Thank you! Oh, thank you!
[she runs to the bathroom door]
Donna: Jackie, I don't want to tell him!
[a crash is heard. Donna and Jackie leave the bathroom and see Kelso passed out on the floor while Fez is slapping his face]
Jackie: I think he knows.

Jackie: Fez, why are you lying to her? You didn't go out last night; you were lying in front of the TV, trying to look up Victoria Principal's dress.

Donna: Jackie, I went on the pill.
Jackie: Oh, my God. You are gonna be so popular!