250 Best Michael Kelso Quotes

Michael: College is for ugly girls who can't get modeling contracts.
Donna: No, college is for women who don't want to marry the first idiot they meet and squeeze out his bastard moron children.

Eric: You know what, guys? I've figured out what I'm gonna do this year!
Kelso: You're gonna be the first person to put on my firecracker suit?

Eric: Donna, you're perfect. You couldn't be better if you'd been created in a lab!
Kelso: Yeah, but then she'd have those bolts coming out of her neck!

Kelso: I'm gonna throw an M&M into the woods and wherever it lands, we look there first.
Steven: Fez, give him the candy.
Fez: [looking guilty] Yeah, about that...
Kelso: Okay. Instead of candy, I'm gonna throw my keys into the woods.
[throws keys]
Kelso: Oh, crap, I just threw my keys into the woods!

Michael: Man, I wish Jackie would loosen up. She's throwing a great party down here and she's missing it!
Fez: Kelso, you don't get it, huh? This party meant the world to Jackie, and you crapped on it.
Steven: Alright, ease up on Kelso, huh?
Michael: Thanks, Hyde.
Steven: [sarcastically] Yeah, so you did something horrible. But, it's Jackie, so who cares?
Michael: No, wait. What are you saying?
Steven: I'm saying you burned her, man. Royally. Nice job!
Michael: But, no, man! I didn't want to burn her! I invited all these people to her party so it would be fun! To make it good!
Fez: She didn't want a good party. She wanted *her* party.
Michael: You know what? You're right, Fez. Alright, this party's over! Everybody out!
Eric: No, Kelso! What are you saying, man? Think!
Michael: You know what, guys? For the first time in my life, I think I am thinking!
[Kelso throws his lit cigar in the trashcan]
Michael: You know, I'm in danger of ruining the greatest thing that's ever happened to me and I am not going to let that happen.
[Eric, Hyde and Fez bend forward to look at the trash can erupting into flames]
Steven: Kelso...
Michael: Do not interrupt me, this is important! From now on, I'm going to put Jackie's needs first and she's going to be *so* proud of me!
[Hyde points to the trash can. Kelso finally notices the fire]
Michael: Whoa!
[Kelso foolishly pours his brandy on the fire in an attempt to put it out. Naturally, the alcoholic drink nourishes the fire]
Michael: Whoa, man! This is a rager! Give me your brandies!
[Kelso grabs their glasses and pours more brandy on the fire]
Michael: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Frank: I did not lose a leg in Vietnam so I could serve hotdogs to teenagers.
Kelso: You got both your legs, Frank.
Frank: Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam!

Michael: Damn, I always wanted to put a dog in handcuffs!

Kelso: Wait a minute, I'm a police officer in training, so we're gonna do this by the book!
Jackie: [Scoffing] What book? You didn't READ any book!
Kelso: No, but I was ASSIGNED one! And I've killed four bees with it!

Michael: Jackie, why do you wanna go anyway? You hate Led Zeppelin.
Jackie: I never said I hated them, Michael. For your information, I think Led is hot.

Michael: Now, I'm going to drink my raw eggs.
Jackie: Oh, Michael, no.
Michael: No, Jackie, wait until I finish my eggs.
Jackie: But, Michael...
Michael: Jackie, whatever it is, it can wait until I finish my eggs!
Jackie: Fine!
[Kelso drinks the raw eggs]
Michael: There. Now, what is it that's so important that you had to tell me?
Jackie: You're allergic to eggs.
[Kelso thinks and then laughs]
Michael: Oh, yeah, I am.
Michael: [still laughing] I have to go to the hospital now.

Ruth: [Jackie demands that the sperm bank return Kelso's 'donation' to her] I'm sorry, Miss, but I can't give it to you. The donor himself is the only one who has legal rights over the specimen.
Jackie: [turns to Kelso] Fine. Michael, you get them. You're the only one who has rights over your special men.
Michael: Jackie, what do you care what I do with my special men?
Ruth: "Specimen". I said, *specimen*.

[the gang is burying their permanent records]
Jackie: This is so stupid. Why don't we just burn them?
Michael: Jackie, they've already been in a fire. They can't be destroyed that way.

[to Eric]
Michael: Man, that is one big, bad-ass ring. Hey, maybe people will think that you won the Super Bowl!
Steven: Nah, nobody will believe that. But he *could* be the sick little boy that the whole team rallies around.

Michael: Guess who made out with Pam Macey behind the gym!
Steven: Anyone with a quarter?
Michael: Me!
Fez: Damn, and I had a quarter!

Eric: [Kelso has borrowed a car from his cousin, Sully] Why does Sully have a statue of the Virgin Mary on his dashboard?
Michael: Maybe he's, like, religious or something.
Steven: Wasn't Sully in prison for arson?
Michael: Yeah. People who burn stuff believe in God, too, Hyde.
Steven: Why does his keychain say, "I Love Bingo"?
Fez: Sully must love bingo.
Eric: All right. I'm starting to think that this isn't Sully's car.
Michael: Then whose car is it?
[Police siren wails behind them and they stare forward in shock]

Michael: Okay, Brooke, here's the thing: We should date.
Brooke: Michael, I'm pregnant with your child. Pretty much the best and worst things about dating have already happened to us.

Red: [as Kelso removes his uniform shirt to reveal his t-shirt] Kelso, what are you doing?
Michael: Oh. Well, I'm going for this Travolta thing. Ya see, my character is a dancer who's only stocking shelves until he hits it big.

Michael: What about that time you were paid $2.00 to eat everything in Foreman's refrigerator, and you threw it up all over the place?
Steven: That was YOU!
Michael: Oh, yeah... that was AWESOME!

Michael: Wow, check out this new Police Academy they're sending me to in Waukegan. It's got its own pool! Oh, man, if I'd known it was gonna be this nice, I'd have burned down the old one a lot sooner!
Fez: Kelso, I'm really going to miss you. Who's gonna take my lunch money, and tease me, and pull down my pants in front of girls...
Steven: I'll be taking over.

Michael: If this is about maturity, I want nothing to do with it!

Gus the Trucker: Tell me, did it hurt?
Michael: What?
Gus the Trucker: When you fell down from heaven?
Michael: [pause] No, I'm fine!

Jackie: Hyde? Fez? Michael!
Michael: Oh, good! It's Hyde, Fez and Michael!

Steven: [During the fourth circle] The Feds have ruined the circle, man.
Michael: The circle's what's keeping us sharp. If it wasn't for the circle, we wouldn't have known the Feds were after us, planning our every move. I say "thank you" for the circle.

Michael: That's Fez. He's a foreign exchange student.
Jackie: Who did we exchange for him?

Eric: [Eric and Kelso meet Leo in a back alley to buy rings for Donna and Jackie] So, Leo, you sell promise rings?
Leo: Promise rings, concert tees, 'other stuff'.
Eric: Really!
Michael: That's nice.
Eric: Yeah. Okay, we'll take two rings and a misdemeanor's worth of the 'other stuff'.

Jackie: You're coming over to my house tonight. And we're gonna... "study".
Michael: Come on. I never get to do anything fun.
Steven: God, you're dumb.
Michael: Well I guess that's why I gotta go "STUDY".

Jackie: Michael, I have some bad news. I just found out I have "BHD".
Michael: "BHD"?
Jackie: Yeah, "Brutal Hair Disease". I have to go to the hospital tomorrow and get all my hair shaved off.
Michael: So, you'll be...
Jackie: Bald, Michael. B-A-L-D. No hair, shiny head, *bald*. And my hair... won't *ever* grow back, either. Will you still love me when I'm bald?
Michael: You can wear a wig?
Jackie: So, Michael. Are you saying you would *not* love me if I didn't have a luscious, full-bodied head of hair?
Michael: [sees Donna laughing at him and realizes he's being tested] *Oh*! No, Jackie, no! I would love you even *more*! I would shave off my hair and paste it to your head!
Jackie: Michael, that's beautiful!
[leaves]
Michael: [to Donna] That was a test, right? 'Cause bald chicks are gross.

Jackie: Why am I not "Snow Queen"? For the last two weeks, I was nice to *everybody*. Well, maybe not the A.V. Club, but I mean, come on.
Michael: Jackie, you can't just be nice for two weeks. You have to be nice all the time. Or else very handsome.

Fez: Well, errand boy, you just sold your soul for a car.
Michael: Who cares, Fez. Your soul is like an appendix. I don't even use it.

Michael: No, wh-what is it now? You want me to drop out of high school, join the Salvation Army, and go off and fight wars?

Donna: So, Eric made friends with me when I was five, so he could do it with me when I'm seventeen?
Michael: Well, that, and your sweet Big Wheel.

Kelso: [Walking into the basement] Alright, Eric traded Donna in for a hot blonde!
[Donna turns to glare at him]
Kelso: Oh, CRAP! She looks just like Donna!

Michael: Hey, check out this article in "Boys' Life."
Eric: "The Square Knot: Not Just For Squares"?
Michael: No, this one about being an astronaut. I think I'm gonna do that.
Jackie: Michael, I think as a prerequisite for being an astronaut, you have to be not dumb.
Michael: Uh-uhhh. If they can send a monkey into space, they can send me.
Steven: I don't know. Monkeys are pretty smart.
Michael: Alright, fine, fine, make fun. When you see my shoe prints on the moon, what are you gonna say then?
Eric: Probably "Hey, some monkey's wearing Kelso's shoes!"

Jackie: [Viewing Hyde and Fez with dismay] Michael, are they drinking from my parents' crystal?
Michael: Yeah! Because they were trying to drink straight from the bottle! But I said, "No! Use the crystal, 'cause it's *classy*!"

Jackie: [tired of Kelso spying on her] Michael, you've lost your mind!
Michael: Yep, and I don't miss it!

Eric: How can I lose a 25-pound ring?
Michael: I once lost a six-foot, rubber chili dog. I still haven't found it, it's just gone!
Eric: Hyde, this is all your fault! You told Jackie I didn't like the ring!
Michael: Hyde stabbed you in the back? No, he wouldn't do a thing like that. Like he didn't steal Jackie from me. Oh, wait a minute!
Steven: [to Eric] Look, man. I told her not to tell.
Eric: And I told *you* not to tell!
Michael: [to Hyde] You and Jackie are gossiping now. The more you go out, the more like each other you become!
Eric: Who knows what you and your little girlfriend are going to be up to in a couple of months!
Jackie: [fantasy cheerleader sequence] 2,4,6,8! Who do we appreciate? Go, team!
Steven: 2,4,6,8! Who do we appreciate? Go, team! Jackie, I heard the best piece of gossip! Eric Forman doesn't have any school spirit!
Jackie: I'm telling *everyone*!
Steven: Too late! I already did!
[fantasy sequence ends]
Steven: First of all, Jackie's not my girlfriend, and second of all, I'm not the only one who spills stuff around here.
Eric: You're right. Hey, Kelso! Hyde watches "Little House on the Prairie"!
Michael: [laughing] "Little House on the Prairie"?
Steven: It reminds me of a simpler time.

Steven: [Getting ready to tow the canoe with Kelso in it] Don't you ever think we're getting too old for this kind of stuff?
Michael: No way - you can't control the timing of when a canoe is going to come into your life!

[Kelso walks into the living room with a big bottle rocket]
Michael: Mr. Forman, can I light this off in your house?
Red: Sure, and then I'll light my foot off in your ass.
Steven: And that, my friends, is the last foot-in-ass of the decade! Cheers!
Kitty: Michael, I just... It's so good to see you. The girls in the Emergency Room were just asking about you.
Michael: You know, it's like I've been gone for so long, I almost forgot you're a hot Mom!
Kitty: Oh! Hahahahaha!
Red: You know what else is hot? My foot when it's in your ass.
Steven: Look at that. He got one more in him.

Michael: I miss Eric.
Jackie: Well, you still have me.
Michael: It's not the same, Jackie. I can talk to Eric about things that I can't talk about with you.
Jackie: Okay, well like what?
Michael: Well, for instance, the annoying things you do.
Jackie: Michael.
Michael: See, I can't talk to you.

[Donna and Kelso are hiding under a bed]
Donna: Is that your hand on my ass?
Michael: It was an accident.
Donna: Kelso, your hand's still on my ass.
Michael: IT'S STILL AN ACCIDENT.

Steven: No. No, man, there is no way I'm going on a date with your ex-girlfriend who's now my girlfriend, and your new girlfriend who doesn't want to be your girlfriend, but is pregnant with your child. That's like, hillbilly territory.
Michael: I'll pay.
Steven: I'm in.

Steven: Forman, you get mushy with Donna, she's gonna see the secret girl inside the man. Now, trust me. You don't wanna let Erica out.
Michael: Hah! Erica! That's a good burn. You can't do that with Michael. I'm lucky.
Steven: Oh, really, *Michelle*?

Donna: It's kinda cold.
Eric: Here! Take my jacket.
Donna: I love you.
Eric: God, we are such the... perfect couple.
Jackie: [looking at Kelso] I'm cold, too.
Michael: Well, damn, Jackie, I can't control the weather!

Michael: [wearing Eric's pants] Well, the joke's on you, Eric. I'm wearing your pants, and I'm not wearing any underwear.
Eric: Kelso, the last time I wore those pants, I wasn't wearing any underwear.
Michael: [pulling off pants] Well played.

Michael: But this an El Camino! That's Spanish for "The Camino".

Michael: Man, I don't know why girls don't like guys looking at strippers - I mean, these chicks are artists! It's like looking at Leonardo - or Da Vinci!

Michael: What kind of country is this if you can't even make one threatening phone call to the President?

Michael: When you're not looking, I'm gonna slip the little guy some popcorn.
Brooke: Michael, babies can't eat popcorn; they don't even have teeth!
Michael: Hey, my grandma Bessie doesn't have any teeth, and, believe me, she ain't shy around a bucket of popcorn!

Fez: I like Midge.
Steven: Yeah, we all like Midge.
Michael: Yeah, Midge has nice jugs.
Bob: What?
Michael: What?
Bob: No, *you* said something.
Michael: [nervously] No, I didn't. So, what's up with your hair?

[after Kelso tries in vain to convince the others he had sex with Brooke, she comes to the basement]
Brooke: Kelso, we have to talk about doing it at the Molly Hatchet concert.
Michael: Just a second, Brooke.
[to Fez]
Michael: Burn!
[to Eric and Donna]
Michael: Burn!
[to Hyde]
Michael: Burn!
[to Jackie]
Michael: Burn!
[Kelso runs upstairs to the kitchen]
Michael: [to Kitty] Burn!
[to Red]
Michael: Burn!
[Kelso runs back downstairs]
Michael: So, Brooke. What did you want to talk about?
Brooke: I just found out I'm pregnant.
Michael: [defensively] I never touched her!

Michael: [On hearing that Kitty and Red have been married for 25 years] Man, 25 years! If you guys were dogs that would be like
[stops to think about it]
Michael: 25 dog years!

[Jackie and Kelso sit at The Hub]
Jackie: Michael, do you think I'm immature?
Michael: No, you're almost fully grown.
Jackie: Well... Steven thinks so. Apparently, I'm immature, and that skank in the leather jacket is what? Cool? Well, I can be cool. People can change. Olivia Newton-John did it for John Travolta, and that movie was totally realistic.
[Jackie's: she and Donna enter The Hub. Jackie wears the same tight, black outfit that Olivia Newton-John wore in the "You're The One That I Want" song scene in the movie "Grease". The guys are playing the arcade machine. Eric, Kelso and Fez turn around]
Eric: [bites his hand] Wow!
Michael: [shakes his hand] Yowza!
Fez: [smiles, rubbing his belly] Yummy!
[Hyde turns around. He takes off his sunglasses, astonished to see Jackie - similarly to Danny Zuko's reaction when he saw how Sandy changed]
Steven: Jackie?
Jackie: Tell me about it, Steve.
[the music of "You're The One That I Want" plays in the background. The gang starts dancing]
Steven: [in John Travolta's voice] I got chills, they're multiplyin', and I'm losin' control, for the power you're supplyin', it's electrifyin'...
Jackie: [in Olivia Newton-John's voice] You better shape up, 'cause I need a man, and my heart is set on you. You better shape up, you better understand, to my heart I must be true...
Steven: [in John Travolta's voice] Nothin' left, nothin' left for me and you...
Jackie: You're the one that I want, ooh, ooh, ooh, honey. The one that I want, ooh, ooh, ooh, honey. The one that I want, ooh, ooh, ooh. The one I need. Oh, yes, indeed...
[Hyde hugs Jackie. The music fades]
Steven: [in his normal voice] Oh, Jackie, you're so much cooler than that skank I was with before. Please take me back, 'cause we belong together like Bop-boppa-loo-bop, sha-walla, sha-bang, sha-bang...
[Jackie and Hyde kiss passionately. The gang is overjoyed that the two are back together]
Michael: Ah! The whole gang is back together again.
[Fez kisses Eric on his cheek]
Eric: Yes, they did it!
Donna: This is so great for the whole...
[end of Jackie's daydream]

Jackie: [angrily] Michael, Steven just told me that instead of buying me a dress, you spent my 50 dollars on this stupid machine!
[Kelso looks accusingly at Hyde]
Steven: [to Jackie] Jackie, I did not.
[Hyde looks at Kelso, smiling]
Steven: [chuckles] Oh, yeah... I did.
Michael: Jackie, listen. There's an old saying: "You buy a girl a dress, and she looks pretty for one night. But you buy her boyfriend a pinball machine, and she looks pretty for life".
Jackie: Okay. Here's another old saying, Michael: "You're dumb as dirt".
Eric: That's true. That was in the yearbook.
Michael: Okay! Okay! All right. Listen, listen. So, I bought a half stake in this machine, all right? So, that means for every quarter I put into it, I get half back. That's a 50% profit!
Fez: Uh, actually, Kelso, I think that's a 50% loss.
Michael: Fez, I know it's hard for a foreigner to understand our complicated capitalist system. But we're dealing with quarters here, not frogs or chickens.
Fez: Well, I'm not going to dignify that with a response... because I can't think of one. But, when I do, a good day to you!

Michael: See, I did some reflecting, and I realized that Jackie is the only girl I want to be with.
Eric: Today?

Donna: One time, he was creeping around my locker, and when I opened it, there was a rose inside and my gym socks were missing!
Michael: Donna, a word of advice: you're not gonna want those socks back!

[Final lines of the series]
Eric: Hey, guys! Last one upstairs has to call Red a dumbass!
[the gang rushes upstairs. Hyde grabs Kelso, making Kelso the last]
Michael: Oh, man...
[Kelso puts on the "Stupid Helmet" and goes upstairs. Meanwhile, everyone counts down, loudly, from 10 to 1. After the end credits, the license plate tag changes from '79 to '80]

Fez: Boy, Jackie looks mad.
Michael: Yeah, I cheated on her like a hundred times and she never looked that pissed.

Angie: Why is it, every time I leave the room, you guys do this?
Michael: It's Thanksgiving. Some people bake pies, we bake ourselves.

Eric: [Kelso is rhapsodizing about becoming a police officer] Kelso, you *do* realize you'll have to help ugly people, too?
Michael: Uh-uh, I'll leave that to the fat cops!

Donna: Styx? Really, Kelso?
Michael: All right, I like Styx, and I don't care who knows it! Actually, that's not true. Don't tell anyone that I like Styx.

Donna: [Donna and Jackie find Kelso in his brother Casey's bed, but Kelso doesn't remember, thinking it was a dream] What were you doing in Casey's bed, anyway?
Michael: Oh, uh, when he's out of town, I like to skank it up by skippin' a couple of showers and sleepin' in it naked.

Fez: I was just showing Caroline the back of my new car and my tongue.
Michael: Fez, this isn't your car.
Jackie: Yeah, foreigners can't drive here unless it's a cab.

Jackie: Oh, everything is set for the party tonight! Oh, and Fez, I need you to get there a little early so you can park everyone's cars.
Fez: Sorry, Jackie, I can't make it.
Jackie: What?
Fez: Yeah. Kelso and I have to find an apartment tonight, or Red is going to kill me in my sleep.
Michael: Yeah, and I can't let Fez go alone.
Jackie: Why not?
Michael: 'Cause then I'll have to go to your party, which I don't want to do.
Steven: Oh, no, no. Kelso, you have to go. If you're not there, and Fez is not there, it's gonna be pretty damn obvious that I'm not there.
Jackie: Okay, Steven. I understand you don't like dinner parties, but just let me make my case.
[Jackie kicks Hyde's ankle]
Steven: [winces painfully] Ohh!
Jackie: [firmly] You're going!

Michael: All right, guys. It is time to make a withdrawal from the First National Bank of Pinball.
[Kelso opens the machine. There are only two coins inside]
Michael: Oh, man. No one's playing.
Fez: [taunting] Well, I would've played, but my frogs and chickens wouldn't fit into the slot.

Michael: You want to see Fez and Eric run around? Someone might get hurt. It's funny when people get hurt.
Steven: Especially when they're in their underwear.
Jackie: Michael, the only one dumb enough to get hurt around here is you.
Michael: Okay, Jackie, I'm really starting to get sick-
[cuts his finger on soda can]
Michael: OWW!

Michael: Hey, Eric, maybe she's going to give you the big gift. You know, the *big* gift. You guys know what I'm talking about, right?
Steven: Yes, Kelso. We got it. Then, we got it.
Fez: I'm not even from here, and I got it.

Michael: Alright, look. Jackie, here's the deal. You cheated on me.
Jackie: You used to cheat on me all the time.
Michael: Yeah? Well, yeah. But you cheated out of hate, and I cheated out of joy.

Michael: [to Hyde] So, if you're not gonna fire Randy and you're not gonna fire Leo, I have a question: Can I see your wife's boobs?

Michael: Oh, I hope I win this van. I really need a place to do it with Jackie.

Steven: Guys, can we do something besides cruise? That's the third time tonight we've driven by that house.
Michael: I know what we could do. We could go skinny dipping.
[everyone looks at him]
Michael: Naked! That's the way God intended.
Jackie: No way.
Michael: Why not? It'd be fun.
Donna: Sure, it's fun for you guys, 'cause you can look at us, and that's a treat. But we just look at you. And that's nasty.
Eric: So, you don't want to do it?
Donna: Well... I don't care. I'll do it.
Eric: You... Okay, I'm in.
Fez: Naked is dirty.
[singing]
Fez: Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
All: Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
Jackie: [the screen flips. Everyone is in the car, naked] This was such a great idea, Michael. This was so much fun. Oh, wait, except for the part when our clothes got stolen, you idiot!
Steven: By the way, Fez, nice tattoo, man.
Fez: Thank you. It is the Blessed Virgin of Yorba Linda. Do you want to see her dance?
All: No!
Eric: Guys, we need a plan. I'm not driving up to the house with a car full of naked people. Red hates you guys when you're dressed.
Steven: We can go to my house.
Michael: Yeah, your mom's used of having naked guys around.
Steven: She's not even home, you moron!
[Hyde punches Kelso on the shoulder]
Fez: Put on the top forty.
[Fez reaches over for the radio]
Steven: Whoa, sit down, Fez! I see London, I see Besticle!
Fez: Well, what do you want me to do about it?
Steven: I don't know. Tuck it in!

Steven: Okay. All right. Do you remember that time when I was climbing your fence, and I hit my forehead on that tree branch, and I fell into your yard, and your dog Yogi came out of the house and bit me twice on the ass?
Michael: [laughing] Yeah, you bled and you cried.
Steven: I bled. I didn't cry.
Michael: Yeah, you did. You bled *and* you cried.
Steven: And you laughed, man. A lot. While I was bleeding. You see my point?
Michael: Yeah. It's funny when friends get hurt.
Steven: Close enough.

[Jackie, Donna and Hyde chide Kelso for not taking responsibility for Brooke's baby]
Steven: Kelso, you know what you should do, but your not gonna do it because you're too much of a tool.
Michael: You know what? It's real easy to talk about the right thing to do when it's not your life!
[Kelso walks away. Hyde looks after him disgustedly]
Steven: Tool.
Jackie: Oh, Steven. You're sensitive to this because your father ditched you, too. This is so foxy.
Steven: Hey, why don't we go down to my room? Tell you about the time my mom got so loaded on mouthwash, she lost our rent money at the track.
[Jackie nods excitedly. She and Hyde hug each other and enter the house]

[Kelso is sitting on the couch, wearing only his undershorts, shivering cold. Hyde is still calculating what Jackie and Kelso owe each other. Fez is playing with a yo-yo]
Michael: I'm cold.
Fez: That must be why your nipples are so pointy.
[Kelso slaps Fez's arm]
Fez: Oh, "Pointy Nipple Man" is mad. I hope he doesn't poke me with his pointy nipples.
Steven: All right, that was really disturbing. Okay. Here we go. According to my calculations: for repairs to the van, Jackie, you owe Kelso $65.
Michael: [triumphantly] Aha! Justice!
Steven: Yeah. And, Kelso, you owe Jackie $8,265.
[Kelso is shocked to hear that]
Jackie: [triumphantly] Aha! Pay up, moocher!
Michael: Wha-wha... no! No! This is... That's totally unfair! Hyde, you suck.
Steven: You could have been a man and forgiven her. But, no, you wanted to do the math.
Michael: Man, math has never been my friend. Wait. No. But she had other guys in my van!
Jackie: Michael, *you* had other girls in your van while we were dating! So, give me my $8,000!
Michael: Okay. I change my mind. I forgive you.
[Jackie glares at Kelso]

Michael: [feeling down since he and Jackie broke up] I am really hurting here, and I'm totally lonely.
Steven: Man, I've seen people gut-shot who complained less than you.
Fez: Kelso, what do you miss about her? All she ever did was call you names. Hey, I can do that for you. 'You idiot!' See?
Michael: [completely sincere] Thanks, Fez.
Fez: No problem, fart-face.

Fez: Aiyy, ENOUGH! Kelso, if you want to win a woman, this is what you must do.
[Takes Jackie's hand]
Fez: I, as a mortal, am not worthy of your love, and I spend every moment worshipping you...
Michael: [Grabs Jackie's hand away] What he said.
Jackie: Oh, Michael!
[Begins kissing him passionately, to Fez's dismay]

Michael: Guess who made out with Pam Macy behind the gym!
Steven: Everyone!

Fez: If Hyde's right and the Feds are outside, we have to dispose of the evidence.
Eric: [During the second circle] Good job disposing of the evidence guys.
Michael: Eric, you better take this seriously. We have a lot of evidence to dispose of. Even more than at the Pink Floyd concert.
Fez: Without all the smoke machines and lasers this is just like punishment.
Steven: I never thought I'd say this, but I wish I had more people to share this with.

Michael: You owe me money.
Jackie: Michael, your uncle gave you that van for free.
Michael: Yeah? Well, I put a lot of money into that van. The shag carpeting, the 8-track, strobe light, black light, red light.
Jackie: I hate you!
Michael: Well, I hate you more!
Jackie: I hate you *most*!
Michael: Well, I hate you the... Damn it!
Steven: All right. All right. Let's just act like adults and treat this like what it really is - a divorce.
Fez: Oh, Jackie, you get custody of me.
Steven: All right. Let's just figure out what you guys owe each other.
Jackie: Fine. I'm not afraid. I'm right, and he's a total moocher.
Michael: I'm not afraid, either. There are laws to protect a man and his van.
Steven: For instance, the Man-Van Act of 1847.
Michael: Right!
Steven: [takes a notepad and starts writing] All right. All right. Jackie, in your opinion, what are the goods and services that Kelso owes you for?
Jackie: Everything! He was a total doofus before I met him. In fact, I bought you that belt, so, hand it over. And the shirt, too.
Michael: Fine. You know, this shirt has bad memories of you buying me stuff anyway.
[Kelso takes off his shirt and gives it to Jackie]
Fez: [takes the notepad from Hyde] Here, let me do the math. Okay. Now, Kelso. Uh, Kelso owes Jackie the price for breaking her beautiful heart and stealing her innocence. Now, Kelso, what do you believe Jackie owes you?
Michael: Well... uh... w... One time I told her that she looked pretty when really she looked pretty skanky.
[angrily, Jackie slaps Kelso on his bare chest]
Michael: And... and... Hyde, help me out here.
Steven: Okay. Let me think. Oh! Don't forget he burned your house.
Michael: Hyde!
Steven: Dude, you burned her house.

Michael: You know what's a funny word? Pickle-weasel!

Michael: Come on, Eric, we're a team.
Jackie: Yeah. Michael is the looks, Steven is the brain, and you? Your house has food.

Jackie: [Kelso arrives after his day at the Police Academy] Michael, you got another 'D' on a test? Isn't this your fourth 'D' in a row?
Michael: Yeah. It's just on the Penal Code stuff. "Criminals have the right to an attorney, criminals are innocent until proven guilty". Just crazy liberal gibberish.
Steven: [to Fez] What are you laughin' at?
Fez: He said 'Penal Code'.
Jackie: Fez, it doesn't mean that. It's from the word 'penalty'. 'Penal'.
Steven: [Fez can't control his giggling] You're like a four-year-old. It's a legal term: 'Penal'.
Steven: [now Hyde is laughing, too] It's kinda funny.
Brooke: [Brooke comes in] Hey, guys. Hey, Michael, how'd your Penal Code test go?
Michael: [Hyde and Fez can't control their laughter as Kelso lies to impress Brooke] I did great. I got another 'B'.
Brooke: Oh, that's your fourth 'B' in a row! I'm so proud of you! Can I see it?
Michael: [suddenly on the spot] Uh... uh, you could, but, uh, I didn't write anything down, 'cause the test was, uh, oral.
Steven: [bursting with laughter] Oral test on the Penal Code!

Michael: [reading a magazine article] Wow. Chicks must really dig astronauts, 'cause it says here that astronauts get all the Tang they want.

Michael: [Eric enters the kitchen wearing one of Donna's blouses] Forman, just 'cause there's a sale at Penney's doesn't mean you gotta buy everything!

Michael: [to Hyde] You know what your problem is? I'm too good-looking!

[Repeated Line]
Michael: BURN!

[Kelso is talking in his sleep. Jackie is listening]
Michael: This isn't going to work, Jackie.
Jackie: Us, Michael? Are we not going to work?
Michael: [still sleeping] No. The car. The carburetor is busted.
Jackie: [annoyed] This was all because of a stupid car?
Michael: [still sleeping] We're gonna have to take the bus to our wedding.
[Jackie smiles happily, thinking that Kelso means her]
Jackie: Our wedding? Oh Michael, that is so sweet! I love you, Michael Kelso.
Michael: [still sleeping] I love you too, Jackie Onassis.
[Jackie's smile immediately fades]

Michael: [Kelso is testing to be a waiter] I can't believe I did it!
Eric: I can't believe the glue held. Your first shift will not go well.
Michael: [holding the tray side ways] Yeah, it'll be a disaster!

Michael: Pavlov was this scientist guy, you know, and every time this dog would ring a bell, Pavlov would eat.

Michael: Hey, have you guys seen Fez? He was supposed to meet me at the Hub, like, an hour ago.
Eric: Where's the last place you saw him?
Michael: Down in the basement... with a box of Playboys...
Jackie: Oh, my God!
Eric: I'll get the first aid kit...

Eric: She likes Red.
Donna: Oh, my God!
Michael: You're gonna have to leave town!
Eric: Why?
Michael: 'Cause we're gonna tell *everyone*!

Vic: You like spicy food?
Michael: Yeah, I'll eat anything - I put that on my resume.

Michael: I'm havin' a horrible day. Laurie's gone, and Jackie's all suspicious of me. And I'm gettin' no lovin'. *None*. I can't be me without lovin'.

Jackie: So, hey. Maybe a good way to break the ice would be for everyone to tell a few things about themselves. I'll go first. I like make-up and diets, and Steven, here, likes black things and throwing stuff at glass.
Brooke: Okay. Well, I was valedictorian in my class, I run marathons, and I tutor kids in Latin.
Michael: Well, I egged the valedictorian of my class. And a marathon runner. Oh, and some kids that took Latin!
Steven: This is fun.

Michael: Hey, Fez. Nice ass!
Fez: Why, thank you, Kelso.

Michael: Mrs. Foreman, I have a black eye and I need ice!
Kitty: I'm not doing anything more for men today.

[Kelso finds out Jackie smashed his van]
Michael: How did this happen, Jackie? How?
Jackie: Michael, like I said...
Michael: *How*?
Jackie: Coming out of the drive...
Michael: [yells] HOW?
Steven: Kelso! Come on, man, relax. Let those of us who aren't you enjoy this moment.
Fez: Besides, it's not all that bad. This door still works.
[Fez tries to open the remaining back door and it falls off]
Eric: Hey, Jackie. What happened to the other door?
Jackie: Other door?
Eric: Yeah, you know. The thing that always got in the way of... this giant, gaping hole.

Donna: Oh, my God. I think Jackie and Fez are next. Look, there they are!
Michael: [shouting] Hey! The next contestants are cheaters! The brown guy is a robot!

Michael: [being interrogated by the Mounties] Every once in a while, do you ever get an American nickel in your change?

Reginald: Eric, is that kid from not America down here?
Eric: Dad, it's Fez!
Reginald: Yeah, whatever! The Erdmans called and they, they want him to... Go home! Kelso, stop saying porno!
Michael: I didn't say it, Mr. Forman! Fez did!
Fez: [to Kelso] You are a bitch!
[leaves]

Eric: [as everyone is getting into the car] Mom seems to have cheered up.
Reginald: Don't be fooled. At any minute it can strike.
Michael: Wait up!
Reginald: What do you want?
Michael: The explanation is pinned to my lapel.
Reginald: [Opens the envelope and reads the note, out loud] "Dear Mr. Forman: Mr. Kelso and I are unable to take Michael to UW. Here's thirty bucks so he can go with you.". Where's the thirty bucks?
Michael: I used it to pay for this electronic football game.
Reginald: I swear to God, Kelso, you make Eric look like Einstein!
Eric: Thank you, Daddy.
Michael: [to Eric] Thank you? Einstein was ugly!

Steven: This just in: Your weirdo boyfriend sleeps in the nude.
Donna: Yeah? So? I do too.
Michael: Oh, yeah!
Fez: Oh, I can see it now. And it is glorious!
[looks around nervously]
Fez: Excuse me.
[he runs out]

Michael: I'm sorry. Look, I've been screwed by Darwinism... never needed to evolve listening skills 'cause my looks are so highly developed.
Donna: Um, that's not how evolution works.
Michael: Yeah, sure it is. Look, say I had to catch my own food, right? But I only ate really fast animals? My feet would eventually evolve into rockets.
Steven: Man, it's amazing your brain doesn't evolve into pudding.

Michael: If being smart isn't gonna help me with the chicks, I want no part of it! I'm gonna go back to coasting on my good looks. Plus, my brains'll always be there, of if I need'em, I'll just whip'em out like an emergency rocket pack.
Steven: [Smirking] That's a good plan, man!
Michael: [Scoffing] Beats the hell outta reading!

Michael: I don't see why you can't serve us our food, Frank. We *are* paying customers, you know.
Frank: Hey, I didn't lose a leg in Vietnam so I can serve some hot dogs to teenagers.
Michael: You have both of your legs, Frank.
Frank: Like I said, I did *not* lose a leg in Vietnam!

Steven: Seriously, Jackie, don't you have something to say?
Jackie: Like what?
Steven: I don't know... "I'm a spoiled, crazy, whack job and I'm sorry?"
Fez: That's no way to talk to a lady.
Michael: Especially a spoiled, crazy, whack job that's likely to get you killed!
Reginald: [entering] Oh, my God! There's a hundred morons in my basement! Not even *that's* going to ruin my day.
Eric: Yes! Only one, and *one* man only, has the power to do that! 'Tis I!
Reginald: No, not even *you* can do that. And who the hell talks like that?
Kitty: Red, honey, you were happy, remember?
Reginald: Today's the first day of winter and I'm going fishing.
Kitty: I'll come too. I'll grab my fishing stick.
Reginald: I don't want to go.
Kitty: Why not?
Reginald: Because I don't want you to go.
Michael: [using a golf club to mimic a pump shotgun] Burn!

Michael: Jackie, where did you go?
Jackie: I had to go and get something for you to bite on. I told everyone you were having a seizure.

Kelso: Hi, I'd like an order of books, please.
Brooke: Could you be more specific?
Kelso: Could you be more beautiful?
Brooke: Could you be more lame?
Kelso: Yes.

[Jackie receives a paycheck - the first salary she has ever earned in her life]
Jackie: [excited] Oh my gosh! It's a check!
[Jackie points to the corner of the check]
Jackie: And that's my name! Mine!
Michael: So... we can stay together!
Jackie: Yeah, and I can still be rich!
Michael: Yeah!
Donna: Well, if this isn't gonna go badly, I'm heading home.
[Donna turns to leave]
Michael: No, wait. Jackie deserves a celebration. Hey, let's go buy me that remote control car!
Jackie: [firmly] No, Michael. Money doesn't grow on trees.
[Jackie pauses, realizing what she has just said]
Jackie: Money *doesn't* grow on trees. You know, I think having a job is changing me. Okay, think about it: a whole new me.
Michael: That'll be great!

Fez: Oh, please! I'm a hot-looking, smooth-talking, frisky-ass son of a bitch!
Eric: Hey, Fez, right there! That's like... that's like, a really weird thing to say.
Michael: Yeah! I mean, we're used to you, but dude, you're weird!

Michael: Is it fireworks?
[Eric stares at him]
Michael: 'Cause if it's something that blows up, I'll go halvsies.

Michael: [on hearing about Fez's predicament with Nina's parents] You mean, it wasn't because you're so weird? It's because you're foreign? So, you could have been as pretty as me and they still wouldn't have liked you - that is *so shallow* of them!

Jackie: Besides, college sucks! It's all those smart people, and none of them are as pretty as me.
Michael: That's true, half the people in this room should be in magazines! But only half, and the other half, you know who you are.

Michael: Right now, I'm just Jackie's friend. But what she doesn't realize is that I'm also a boy. And eventually, 'friend' is gonna lead down the path to 'boy', and then I'll be her friend-boy.

Michael: Grrr! Could you *be* any more annoying?
Jackie: YES!

Michael: Yeah, when middle-aged women get mad, they get super pissed! They've got nothing to lose, they're almost dead!

Michael: I don't get Jackie, man. I mean, picking Fez over me? Me? I have the three things that women want. I'm hot, and I'm smart!
Donna: That's two things, you moron.
Michael: No, it's three. I count hot twice. I mean, come on!

Rhonda: Crap-alula. Fez just asked me out. I'm so nervous. I've never been on a real date. What am I gonna wear?
Michael: Who cares? You could be naked, with a welding hat, and Fez would still be all over you.
Rhonda: That sounds like fun!

Jackie: Oh Donna, you don't have to get a job just for me.
Donna: I was talking about you, pimple-chin.
Jackie: Oh, no no no no. I am not getting a job. A job is for poor people. I am a rich person who doesn't have money. Big diff.
Michael: Hey, is that a blackhead?
Jackie: [Terrified] No!

Michael: One thing I don't get is, if the Feds weren't after us all day, why did they send a bugged vacuum?
Fez: [sarcastically] Why don't you call them and ask?
Michael: That's a good idea!

Michael: I have an idea!
Steven: Oh, good. Kelso is gonna make it worse now.

Michael: Guys, I gotta tell you something. I'm omnipotent.

Michael: Donna beat you at basketball?
Fez: Is this true, Eric?
Eric: Yeah. Is that a big deal?
Steven: Of course not. Unless Donna happens to be, you know, a girl.
Michael: Especially a girl you love.
Fez: In my country, if a woman beats you, it makes her want you.
Eric: Really?
Fez: Yeah, but this is America, wuss.

[about Annette]
Michael: Look, this girl is beautiful, and she believes in me. And, if I can get her to put out, she will be 3 out of 3. But, right now, she's only 2 out of 3, and I'm sorry, but 50% just ain't gonna cut it!

Eric: [to a vacuum they think has a bug in it] You're looking for Michael Kelso.
Michael: Quit it!
Eric: No! This whole thing is your fault!
Michael: If it's anyone's fault, it's Hyde's, because he got dumped by Jackie, so we had to be nice to him!
Fez: Go easy on the kid! Breaking up with Jackie was the biggest mistake he ever made. Remember? We were talking about it behind his back!
Steven: Shut up, Fez! If I want to hear your advice, I'll kick you in the 'nads!
Fez: Oh. In that case, my advice is: "please don't kick me in the 'nads".
Eric: [in a loud voice] Maybe the Feds have some advice. Remember, they're listening with the
[whispers]
Eric: V-A-C-U-U-M!
Steven: [They look puzzled for a little bit] It spells "vacuum".
Michael: "Vacuum" has two U's in it? That's messed up!

Donna: Let's see if we can hear her...
[pauses]
Donna: I *said*, let's see if we can hear her!
Eric: Don-Donna, I'm stuck in a thorn bush.
Michael: I heard her! She's stuck in a thorn bush!

Angie: I never did get a Thanksgiving dinner...
Michael: I can buy you a taco. Oh, and then we can celebrate the original Thanksgiving, like the Pilgrims and the, uh, Mexicans.

Michael: So, Midge wanted you to pass the syrup, and Pam wouldn't let you...
[pensive]
Bob: So whadda you think it means?
Michael: It means, my friend, that you have a shot at something only professional athletes and rock stars get!

Jackie: Wait. He just offered you a modelling job? Yeah, sounds a little suspicious. I mean, how do you know it's the owner?
Michael: 'Cause it was Mr. Halverson.
Jackie: How do you know it was Mr. Halverson?
Michael: 'Cause I said, "Aren't you Mr. Halverson?", and he said, "Yeah".
Eric: Hey, Hyde, aren't *you* Mr. Halverson?
Steven: Yeah.

Eric: [to the gang after he accidentally walks in on his parents having sex] Okay, let's go. Everybody hop in the car and let's go *now*.
Michael: Where's your mom?
Eric: [Grabs Kelso's shirt and yanks Kelso towards him] SHUT UP! DON'T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER!

Fez: Kelso is the adorable knucklehead!
Michael: Uh, thanks, Fez, but I'm trying to tell a story here. So, I've been trying to think of a reason why she didn't show, and the only logical conclusion is: she's dead!

[Kelso is sitting on the basement couch, reading a book. Fez and Hyde enter from Hyde's room]
Steven: Kelso, what the hell are you doing with a book?
Michael: Reading.
[Hyde and Fez snicker]
Michael: I am reading, 'cause what good is having brains if you got nothing up here?
[Kelso taps his skull. Jackie comes down the stairs]
Jackie: Hey.
[Jackie and Hyde kiss, then sit down]
Jackie: So, I saw my Dad in prison today.
Steven: Oh. How was it?
Jackie: Well, first it was a real downer. Then I realized that I'll be okay without my Dad because the SAT proved that there's another man who could take care of me.
Steven: You'd better be talking about Santa Claus.
Jackie: No, Steven, I'm talking about you, because you have potential.
Michael: He doesn't have potential. *I* have potential. Like, I'm reading "Moby Dick", and I'm not even halfway through, and I can already tell you the ending: the whale is a robot.

Michael: If I were a bird, I'd fly to Tahiti, because the ladies there don't wear tops! Oh, but then I'd wanna change back into myself, because no lady wants to make it with a bird... Wait - can I be a monkey?

Steven: [Over police walkie-talkie] Hey, Kelso, did you get the cop car back before your boss found out it was missing?
Michael: [to his training officer] Okay, I can explain that...
Colette: [Waking up in the back seat, rubbing her eyes] Where am I?
Michael: Yeah, I CAN'T explain that...

[Donna confronts Eric with the panties she found in his car]
Eric: Donna, look, you have to believe me! I have no idea whose panties those are!
[Midge rushes in, snatching the panties from Donna]
Midge: Donna! Those panties are mine!
[hearing that, Kelso and Fez get excited, thinking incorrectly that Eric had sex with Midge]
Michael: Eric! OOOH! OOOH!
[Kelso and Fez bow down]
Michael: You are a god! A god, I say!
[Donna pulls her mother to the side]
Donna: Um, Mom, why were your panties in the Vista Cruiser?
Fez: And please be as specific...
Midge: Donna, when you've been together as long as your father and I have, you need to do creative things. In creative places.
Michael: [disgusted] Ooohhh!

[Kelso's superhero fantasy]
Michael: [as Batman] Okay, Super Pals, I'm gonna need a status report.
Steven: [as a Wonder Twin, stops making out with Wonder Twin Jackie] My sensors indicate peace and quiet throughout the universe.
Fez: [as Aquaman] The oceans are secure, but I can't check for another 45 minutes because I just ate.
Eric: [as Superman, entering with Donna as Wonder Woman] Hey, guys!
Michael: Oh, no! You've been brainwashed and forced to wear this hideous ring!
Donna: Actually, its a gift.
Steven: Worst form of gift ever!
[holds his fist out to the side]
Jackie: [as the other Wonder Twin] Shape up!
[to Wonder Twin Hyde]
Jackie: I hope he kept the receipt.
Eric: Alien zombies are attacking the Earth! Let's swing into action, gang!
Michael: Hold it, we're still on this ring.
Steven: Are you sure it's not an alien artifact?
Donna: I got it at the mall!
Reginald: [Red appears on the video monitor] Greetings, dumbasses!
Eric: Uh-oh! It's Dr. Bald!
Reginald: My army of alien zombies is invading! Good Lord, that is an *ugly* ring! Alien zombies, get a load of that ring!
Eric: That's it! This thing's coming off!
Steven: Careful, man! You drop something that big and heavy, it'll throw off the Earth's rotation! We'll all go crashing into the sun!
Michael: Yeah! Way to use science in a burn!

Eric: Hey, since when did you get all serious?
Michael: [He points to a copy of Cosmopolitan Magazine, sitting on the coffee table] Been readin' Cosmo. It's very educational. I never realized how much plumbing girls had down there. There's this diagram, and it's like a map of Six Flags!
Eric: [later, the guys are at the kitchen table, looking at an issue of Cosmo] It's like Playboy, but girls look at it.
Michael: I know. How hot is that?
Fez: Ahh, look. Six Flags.
Kitty: [Kitty and Red walk in] Well, that better not be a dirty magazine. Oh, Cosmo! Good for you!
Reginald: Cosmo? You boys are spending too much time together.

Steven: [to Eric] You're soft.
Donna: [Leaning over to Hyde, and in unison] How soft is he, Hyde?
Steven: [pauses] Softer than Liberace at the Playboy mansion.
[They all start laughing again]

[Kelso is talking with Hyde, trying to make him reconcile with Jackie]
Michael: Look, Hyde, I know you don't wanna tell Jackie that you're sorry, but... there's gotta be some things that you did that you wish you hadn't done. Like that time that you told me to eat that stuff, and I didn't know what it was, and then you licked your lips and you rubbed you stomach, and you were like, "Mmm, it's really good, Kelso". And then I ate it and then I wished I hadn't have done that.
Steven: Yeah... well, maybe with Jackie I was sort of impetuous and maybe a little rash.
Michael: [nods] Now, see, that's something that Jackie oughta know.
[some time later]
Michael: Hyde says that he was sort of infectious and he has a rash.
Jackie: [confused] What?
Michael: I'm just telling you what he said.
Jackie: Alright. Look, Michael, Steven's the one who messed up the relationship. He thought you and I were together, but he was just wrong. He fabricated the whole mess.
Michael: Well, somebody ought to make that clear.
[some time later]
Michael: Jackie wants you to know that there was a mess 'cause she was wearing the wrong fabric.
Steven: [confused] That can't be what she said.
Michael: It's word for word, man.
Steven: Kelso, would you get outta here?
Michael: What? I'm helping.
Steven: You're making me wanna kick your ass!
Michael: [angrily] That better be the rash talking!
[Kelso leaves. Hyde throws the basketball at his back]

Jackie: There were dogs on the path so we climbed to the top of this tall thing to get away from them.
Donna: That was me!
Fez: Dogs?
Donna: What did you do?
Eric: What? Nothing! Kelso thought there was a death ray so he called the White House and we thought the Feds were after us! But it's okay, we just imagined it.
Donna: I'm cutting you off! Where's your stash?
Michael: Its all gone, man.

Brooke: I don't make it with guys at concerts! I read two periodicals a week about the Dewey Decimal system, which I'm sure you've never heard of!
Michael: I've heard of Dewey Decimal: it's Donald Duck's nephew!

[Kelso feels bad for watching a porn movie]
Michael: Jackie, you know I love you and you know how much I've changed, right?
Jackie: [smiles] Yeah?
[noticing Kelso's guilty expression, Jackie frowns]
Jackie: Oh, what'd you do?
Michael: I went to a stag film. But then it turned out that there weren't any stags at all. It was just naked people having sex. Go ahead and punish me.
Jackie: [pats on Kelso's palm] No, Michael, I'm not gonna punish you. You were honest with me, and honesty should be rewarded.
Michael: [excitedly] Wow! I'm not in trouble and I get a reward? Is it a cash reward?
Jackie: [chuckles] No, Michael. The reward is feeling better about yourself.
Michael: [disappointed] Oh.

Jackie: [Discussing Halloween plans] Hey, my church is having a haunted house.
Donna: I really don't think anyone's going to be scared of a bunch of Episcopalians.
Michael: Unless they have chainsaws! Hey, I know! Let's go see The Texas Chainsaw Massacre!
Jackie: Michael, I told you: I don't like Texans!

[the guys are sitting in The Circle and talking about Kelso and Jackie breaking up]
Michael: Fellas, I've been thinkin'. There's a lot of ladies out there, right? And I haven't seen nearly enough of 'em naked. It's like the world is my oyster, and I'm ready to shuck it. Nothin' but hot, new ladies from here on in. I'm gonna be boldly going where no man's gone before.
[the next scene shows the Formans' front door. The doorbell rings and Kitty answers the door. Kelso is standing there, holding flowers]
Michael: Hello, Mrs Forman. I'm here to pick up Laurie.
Kitty: [laughs] No, no, no. You mean Eric.
Michael: No, uh, Laurie. Your other kid.
Kitty: Like, why?
Steven: [Hyde walks by and stops when he sees Kelso] You're datin' Laurie? That's not different, man. You're boldly going where *every* man's gone before!
Kitty: [turns around] Steven, it's not nice to be so... truthful.
[Laurie comes down the stairs]
Laurie: Hi, Kelso!
[notices the flowers]
Laurie: Did you buy me those?
Michael: Yeah, just like you told me.
Laurie: No, I told you *roses*! Come on, doofus!
[she walks out the door with Kelso]
Steven: No offense, Mrs. Forman, but those two could make the dumbest babies ever.
Kitty: [starts to laugh then abruptly stops and turns toward Hyde] That's not funny.

Donna: You have the van. We want to go home.
Michael: Na-ah! I can't leave Annette. I love her.
Eric: No, you don't.
Michael: I love parts of her.

Kelso: You have the right to remain BURNED!

Michael: [as Laurie sits astride his lap] Laurie, I don't think you should be sitting on me - I don't think Jackie would like it.
Laurie: I think YOU like me sitting on you, Michael - in fact, I KNOW you do!

Steven: So, you caught those birds with just a whistle and a stick? Very impressive, Fez!
Michael: Yeah. You know, that's a good way to hunt. Because even if you don't get anything, you still have all the fun of a whistle and a stick.

Reginald: What do you want?
Michael: Once again, the explanation is pinned to my lapel.
Reginald: [opens the envelope, reads the note out loud] "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Forman: Please give Michael thirty dollars for the game you threw out the window and broke. Signed, my parents".
[Kitty laughs]
Reginald: Well, you made her laugh. That's worth thirty bucks.

Eric: Okay, Donna, we need to stabilize him. We're gonna need pudding, and lots of it.
Michael: [getting up] Who chooses a chick over a friend?
Eric: What? Come on, Kelso, remember when you made me walk home in a blizzard because you wanted ten extra minutes with Pam Macy?
Michael: I didn't steal Pam Macy from you, and you could've played in the snow until we were done.
Donna: Jackie wanted to get married and you bailed. Now, she *doesn't* want to marry you. That solves your problem, albeit with a disturbing twist ending.
Michael: I'm kicking Hyde's ass!
Eric: Kelso, you couldn't open my kitchen door.

Michael: [gazing into Jackie's eyes] You're so pretty, you don't even need to know math!
Jackie: That's so funny! I was just thinking the same thing!

Michael: Bob's goin' out of town for the weekend? All right! Party at Donna's! OK, we're gonna need beer, balloons and girls with low self-esteem.

Michael: Would it make you feel better if I told you Eric left a note?
Donna: Eric left a note?
Michael: No. But hold on to that feeling.

Kelso: Anybody find my keys?
Eric: I found a pair of my sister's panties.
[the others stare at him]
Eric: I know they were hers because they had her name... and phone number written on them.
Steven: A girl's gotta advertise.

Michael: [to Fez] It's not real English if you speak it with a foreign accent.

Michael: I just realized Jackie's short, and I don't like short people.

Brooke: Okay, but don't pretend you want to go out with me because you feel guilty.
Michael: I wanna go out with you because you're hot!
Brooke: I'm not hot - I've gained six pounds...
Michael: That's okay, 'cause it's mostly in your boobs! See, Nature does this to keep us around when you girls chunk out.

Michael: Jackie, what are these?
[takes a pair of drumsticks from the back of his van]
Jackie: Umm, vansticks?

[Kelso enters the Hub and sees a Space Invaders game instead of the pinball machine]
Michael: What the hell! Where's my pinball machine?
Fez: [chuckles] Oh, where, indeed? Ohh, I remember. I convinced the owner that pinball was out, and Space Invaders was in.
Michael: Fez, why would you stab me in the back like that?
Fez: [taunting] Well, rest assured, Kelso, your frogs and chickens comment had nothing to do with it.
[Kelso fails to understand that Fez is being sarcastic]
Michael: Well, why then?

[the circle]
Michael: Honesty's cool, man. It's like I can do anything wrong and then ask for forgiveness, and then I'm good again. Someone should invent a religion like that.
Eric: Okay. So did anyone besides me think that some of the guys in that movie were not completely... average? Like, you know, they were way, way *above* average?
Steven: Well, you don't go into that line of work when you're *below* average. You just pray some hot, redheaded, neighbor girl likes you for your personality.
[Hyde snickers]
Fez: What are you talking about? Those men were completely average. In fact, I found the guy with the mustache downright puny.
Michael: See now, Fez, that's not honest. I mean, we all know you're small in the pants. What I'm saying is, from here on in, I'm only telling the truth. In fact, I'm gonna come clean to Jackie about everything.
Fez: Fine. You want honesty? I'll give you honesty. We are *all* small in the pants.
Steven: [in serious voice] Kelso, this might be your best idea ever. You know what? You should make a list of all the lies you've ever told to Jackie, and I'll help you. 'Cause all I really want is for you to be happy.
[Hyde smiles slyly]

Jackie: I can't believe you, Michael!
Michael: What?
Jackie: You can't just maul me in front of my father!
Michael: I bet he didn't even notice.
Jackie: He yelled at you to stop it!
Michael: I thought he was yelling at you.

[Kelso comes running into the basement]
Michael: Hey, guys! Guess what I got!
Steven: V.D.?
Michael: No! A hundred bucks!
Eric: Money to treat your V.D.?

Donna: [Bursting into the basement] OK, Eric, I think we should have sex!
Mitch: NO!
Donna: [Hugging Eric] I'm going crazy being apart from you - you may not be the strongest man, but you read my body like Braille!
Michael: [Guffawing] BURN!
[Donna and Eric look at him uncomprehendingly]
Michael: Wait - what's Braille?

[Jackie and Donna walk down the hallway, toward the party, unaware of the fire Kelso started]
Jackie: God, how dare you say that about me and Michael?
Donna: Jackie, you wanted my honest opinion.
Jackie: Your honest opinion that we're great together! Look, you were wrong about Michael. He knows he made a mistake and he's going to make it up to me. You wait and see.
[In Jackie's living room, "Disco Inferno" plays. Smoke fills the room, and Kelso tries unsuccessfully to put out the fire with a pillow. Jackie and Donna enter]
Michael: Uh, Jackie, where's the fire extinguisher?
[Jackie is shocked to see the mess Kelso made in her house. Kelso starts blowing on the fire in futile attempt to put it out]

Brooke: She's definitely in her third trimester - I think the baby has dropped.
Michael: [Scrutinizing pregnant woman] No, I think it's still in there..
Brooke: I mean that the baby has moved into the birthing position.
Michael: Wow, you really know stuff!
Brooke: Well, I've read every baby book in the library. By the way, did you ever read that book I gave you by Dr. Spock?
Michael: Nah, I kinda lost interest when I realized it wasn't about Star Trek.

Michael: No parents would be cool, like "The Lord of the Flies"!
Eric: Kelso, did you ever *finish* "The Lord of the Flies"?
Michael: No. So...?

Michael: Eric! 'The Omen' is playing at the drive-in! Do you know what this means for us? It's make-out city!
Eric: I... I really like you as a friend, Kelso. But can I bring a girl?

Michael: In the morning, my Dad and I picked the carrots fresh off the trees
Steven: Kelso, carrots don't... That's good, go with that.

Michael: Hey, guys! What are you talking about?
Eric,30471: [at the exact same time] Indy 500.
Eric: Niiice!

[to Jackie and Kelso]
Donna: Finally. Where have you guys been?
Michael: We had to look for the paper, and eat, and then some stuff happened. You know.
Eric: Your shirt's on inside out.
Michael: Yeah, that's the stuff.

[the guys are high in Eric's basement]
Steven: I read somewhere that people in India fast, man. And, that it makes them think better. And, sometimes they can actually think themselves to death, man.
Michael: I wonder if that's what I'm doing right now? Sometimes my brain is doing things that I don't even know about.
Eric: Man, we think of some great stuff down here. But, later on I can never remember it.

Eric: Poor, little, tough guy hiding behind his bluster.
Steven: Shut up, Forman, I'm fine!
Michael: Sounds like someone needs a tickle.
Fez: No, I'm okay.
Eric: We're your best friends and we're not going to let you go through this alone!
Michael: Eric's right!
[climbs over the couch]
Michael: We're going to do something that *guys* do!
Fez: A massage train?
Michael: No!
[to Hyde]
Michael: So, we got you a present.
Steven: [Cut to the circle] This is a great present, guys! I especially like the teeny, white paper you wrapped it in.
Michael: The only thing that could ruin today is if the Russians set off the Russian Death Ray that's pointed at the White House. No, seriously! I read it in a magazine!
Eric: Kelso, that was The Flash and it's a comic book.
Fez: I love comic books. Sometimes I wish I had thought bubbles. Do you see anything?
Steven: The Russians don't have a death ray, man, but they *do* have a stupid ray and it's pointed right at you.
Michael: They *do* have a death ray and I'll prove it. Where's the phone?
Eric: Kelso, I'm not allowed to make long distance calls without permission.
Michael: They've got me on hold. Oh, and they're playing the theme song to the President.
Eric: "Hail To The Chief".
Michael: Thank you, Eric, but I'm trying to enjoy the President's theme song!

Michael: [Donna complains to Kelso about his brother, but his "job" at the sperm bank has made him impatient] Y'know, if you're mad at Casey, why don't you go yell at him? I'm too tired from workin' all day to argue.
Fez: Oh, to be a working stiff.

Michael: So, Annette, I'm just saying that I'm leaving in a couple of hours. So, I guess the question is: what, oh what, can two virgins do to kill an afternoon?
Annette: [thinks] Well, there *is* something... but it's kind of wet and dirty.
[Kelso thinks Annette means having sex]
Michael: [excited] SOLD!
[shortly thereafter, Kelso and Annette are on the beach, building a sandcastle. Kelso is disappointed]
Annette: Having fun?
Michael: No. These are our last hours together, and... you're not nude!
Annette: [dissapointed] So, all you care about is sex? I thought that there was more to you than that.
Michael: But, there *isn't*!
Annette: But, there *is*. I believe in you.
Michael: Stop saying that!
Annette: [smiles] But, I do.
Michael: Damn! OK, start digging a moat...
[they continue building the sand-castle]

Michael: Fez, the foundation of every good relationship is three words: I don't know. Where are you going? I don't know. What are you thinking about? I don't know. Who is that under you? I don't know. You see, it's bulletproof!

Jackie: It's true, I love Steven Hyde. And someday he will love me. And he'll cut off those stupid side burns and we'll live happily ever after!
Eric: What?

Michael: Look, this whole thing started because I'm the stooge, and I can't be the stooge because I'm gonna be a dad soon, and no kid can look up to his dad if he's a stooge, unless the kid's a stooge, too, and then I wouldn't love him anyway...

[Jackie is at the dance with Hyde]
Michael: How can she be with him when she's so clearly not over me?
Annette: I think the question is, how can you be with me when you're so clearly not over her?
Michael: Wait, is this a riddle? Start over.

Michael: [laughs] Why is Hyde kissing Jackie?
[He looks back at Donna, who's running her hand through her hair]
Michael: What the hell? He's dead!
[He slams the beer can on the kitchen counter and starts pulling on the sliding door, unable to open it]
Donna: Kelso...
Michael: They're getting away! What is wrong with this thing?
Eric: It's against my better judgment, but...
[flips the latch]
Michael: Thank you. Now, Hyde's really dead!
Michael: [Kelso walks into the screen door] Well, that's invisible!

Laurie: Kelso, have you been avoiding me?
Michael: You kiddin' me? I'm right here, aren't I?
Laurie: It's just that ever since I threatened to tell Jackie about the two of us, you've seemed distant.
Michael: Laurie, that's just crazy, all right? You blackmailing me has just brought us closer together.

Eric: Kelso, if you tell the White House there's a death ray, they're going to have you committed. I say go for it.
Michael: Of course they're not going to admit it. I got to trick them into saying it. It's what cops call
[uses air quotes]
Michael: "tricking them".
[on the phone]
Michael: Hello, White House? I have a few questions. How well is the President protected? Because someone wants to hurt the President. Damn right it's a threat, a threat on the President's life! Where am I now? I'm at Red Forman's house in Point Place...
Eric: No!
[Eric and Hyde hang up the phone]
Steven: You idiot! You just told them where we are! They're going to come here and arrest us!
Michael: They should arrest the Russians! *They're* the ones with the death ray!
Fez: You didn't mention the death ray!
Michael: Ah-ha! So you admit there is a death ray!

Eric: [about UW] This place is great! I wish Donna were here.
[a towel-clad college girl walks past]
Eric: My God, will you look at that!
Michael: We just saw college butt!
[pause]
Michael: On a girl!

Ricky: Why do you want a career at Fatso Burger?
Eric: I think it will be a wonderful experience.
Michael: My girlfriend's dad owns it.
Fez: I love the uniforms.
Steven: To unite the workers, man.
Ricky: What do you consider to be your best quality?
Eric: I'm a real people person.
Steven: I don't answer stupid questions.
Fez: I speak Dutch.
Michael: My eyes. Oh, and I guess my butt, too.
Ricky: Name something about yourself that is a weakness.
Eric: I allow people to boss me around.
Fez: I love chocolate.
Steven: I'm brutally honest. Pinhead.
Michael: Um...
[falls backward in chair]
Ricky: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Eric: Fatso Burger.
Fez: Covered in gold chains.
Michael: Rock star. No, movie star. No, yeah, rock star.
Steven: Prison.

Eric: You know, this whole marriage thing has made me think: why am I in such a hurry to grow up? You know, life is like a train. It's bearing down on you, and guess what? It's gonna hit you! So, you can either start running when it's far off in the distance, or you can pull up a chair, crack open a beer, and just watch it come!
Kelso: I did that once.
Eric: No, Kelso. Not a real train. A metaphorical one.
Kelso: Like a... like a ghost train?
[Eric stares at Kelso for a moment]
Eric: Yes. A ghost train.

[Kelso is frustrated because all he got from beautiful Annette was a good night kiss on the cheek, but no sex]
Michael: [complaining] In Wisconsin, if you win a girl a giant purple rhinoceros, she puts out!

Michael: A promise ring is not only a gift from the heart, but it also means more sex and less mouthing off.

Michael: Sorry, I've been screwed by Darwinism. I've never needed to develop listening skills because my looks are so highly developed!

Eric: Kelso, how could you bring my math teacher?
Michael: Relax, she's not gonna quiz you! But if she does, the square root of zero is zero - she got me with that one last night, earned herself a free massage!

Red: Soon, every Pricemart stock boy will be trained in the Red Forman system!
Eric: Undermining their self-esteem until they're too weak to fight back?
Red: If you'd just shut it a minute, you might be interested to hear who I'm gonna pick for the stock boy!
[Turns to put a hand on Kelso's shoulder]
Red: I'm gonna use this idiot.
Michael: Alright!

Michael: Oh, my God! Am I talking in rhyme? I wish I could do that all the time! Oh! I did it again!

Red: What are you doing here?
Michael: The explanation is in the note.
Red: [reading the note] Dear Red, we would like for you to give Michael thirty dollars for the game you threw out the window and broke. Signed, my parents.
[Kitty laughs hysterically, and leaves the room]
Red: Well, you made her laugh, that's worth at least thirty bucks.
[Gives Kelso the money]

Michael: [Kelso's wearing goggles] Get my eye now!
[Hyde kicks Kelso in the shin, then pins him to the couch]
Michael: Get off me!
Steven: Not until you calm down!
Fez: [after giving Kelso a "Wet Willy"] Ah, a wet one!
Michael: Fez, I'm going to get free eventually and then I'm going to kick your ass!
Steven: We need to settle this.
Michael: I don't want to settle this! I don't want to talk about it! All I want to do is pound you until you feel as bad as I do!
Steven: [getting up] Fine. Hit me. Free shot.
Michael: [getting up] Are you gonna hit me back?
Steven: No, man. That's why they call it a "free shot".
Michael: [in a stance] Here it comes. It's coming, get ready!
Fez: We're ready, fool, do it!
Michael: Forget it. It's not going to change anything. Just, forget it.
[Kelso sits down on the couch]
Steven: Look, man. I didn't plan this thing with me and Jackie. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
Donna: [same time as Fez] Awwww!
Fez: [same time as Donna] Awwww!
Steven: Get bent!
Michael: What are we going to do now?
Donna: [getting up] I'll tell you what you're going to do! You're going to shake, and you're going to get over it!
Michael: No!
Donna: Shake!
Michael: I don't want to!
Donna: *Shake*!
[Kelso and Hyde shake hands]

Eric: [to allergic Kelso] How ya doin' back there, Kels'?
[Kelso sits up and Eric sees his grotesquely swollen face]
Eric: OH, MY GOD!
Michael: What?
Eric: [faltering] Nothing, we're just surprised at how... good you look.
Michael: Ah. It's the headband. I'm wearing headbands now.

Kitty: OK, that's it!
[Snatches Kelso's game and throws it out the window]
Kitty: What's the matter with you, were you dropped on your head?
Michael: [Indignantly] Yes, I WAS! But, up until now, everyone's had the good grace not to mention it!

Fez: Eric, there is no bright side to going back to a place where people are outnumbered by lizards!
Michael: [pensive] I'm gonna miss you, man! When you get back there, can you mail me a lizard?

Jackie: Michael, why did you do this?
Michael: Because I thought that if a party with ten people was fun, then a party with thirty people would be twice as fun!

Michael: [to Brooke] Pregnant women should not be standing on their tiptoes, 'cause the baby will come out all cross-eyed.

Michael: You know, Leo never liked phones. He said he could hear voices in them.

Michael: Man, what fun is it being a girlfriend if you don't even have your own boobs to play with?

[First scene of the series: May 17, 1976. 8:47 p.m. The gang is in Forman's basement]
Steven: Eric, it is time.
Eric: Why don't you do it?
Steven: It's your house.
Michael: *Your* house!
Steven: [points upward] Listen to them up there. The party has reached critical mass. In ten minutes, there will be no more beer opportunities.
Eric: If my Dad catches me copping beers, he'll kill me!
Steven: I'm willing to take that risk.
Michael: Don't worry about it! Just remain calm, keep moving...
Donna: And, above all, don't get sucked into my Dad's hair.
Eric: What's wrong with your Dad's hair?
Donna: Just don't look at it.
Steven: [grabs Eric's face] And, Eric: cold. Definitely cold.
[Eric nods. Hyde pats him on the shoulder. Eric begins to run up the stairs. He pauses, looks back down, and continues]

Jackie: Whoa, Fez! What are you doing?
Fez: Showing off my joie de vivre. You like
Jackie: No!
Fez: So, what? This was all a waste? The pants, the chest, the manly smell... the Jackie, hello, Jackie, Jackie... Jackie, Jackie, Jackie, Jackie... Worthless?
Michael: Not worthless,,, Hilarious.
Jackie: Okay look Fez, you're not bad looking. I mean some girls like the exotic, grimy look, but only the cheapest, most sluttiest girls will like that.
Fez: I see.
Laurie: [looking at Fez] Damn, Fez.! Looking good.

[about Annette]
Michael: I love her.
Eric: No, you don't!
Michael: Well, I love *parts* of her!

Michael: Hey, Sam, let me ask you a question about being a stripper: Can I see your boobs?

Steven: [the first circle] Is Red still thinking of giving you the car, man?
Michael: Even if we do get it, we're gonna need serious gas money because the Cruiser's a boat.
Eric: I know the Cruiser's a boat. This whole gas shortage bites!
Fez: Who's getting a boat?
Steven: There's no such thing as a gas shortage, man! Its all fake! The oil companies control everything! Like, I heard about this guy who invented a car that runs on water, man! It's got a fiberglass, air-cooled engine and it runs on water!
Fez: So, it is a boat?
Steven: No! It's a car, only you put water in the tank instead of gas!
Michael: [laughing] I haven't heard of this car. Hey, Jackie's good for gas money!
Eric: You are such a whore!
Fez: When does the boat get here, whore?

Jackie: Well, I have a date too.
Michael: Who is he? What's his name?
Jackie: His name is... not important. What's important is, he's better than you, in every single conceivable way.
Michael: DAMN, JACKIE. THAT COULD BE ANYBODY.

Fez: You know, I have been called many names since coming to this country, but I have never been treated like that before.
Michael: You know, Fez, unfortunately, there are some people in this world that are gonna judge you on the color of your skin, or your funny accent, or that girly little way you run. But, you know what? You're not alone. Why do you think the Martians won't land here? 'Cause they're green and they know people are gonna make fun of them.
Fez: You said it, brother! I just wish that there was someplace in the world where prejudice didn't exist.
Michael: Well, that's Canada. Yup, good ol' Canada. They don't make generalizations about people 'cause they're too busy playing hockey, or gettin' drunk and putting maple syrup on their ham.
Nina: [Nina enters] Fez, we need to talk.
Michael: Hey! He might not be from this country, but he's beautiful, damn it !
Fez: Nina, our relationship is over. My self respect demands it, and there's nothing you can say to make me change my mind.
Nina: Fez, my parents are jerks and I want to get back at them by doing it with you on their bed.
Fez: Except that. Thanks, Kelso!
[Kelso raises his fist in support as Fez and Nina leave]

Jackie: No offense, Eric, but your sister is as slutty as they come.
Michael: Eric, would you let her talk about your sister like that?
Eric: Sure.

Randy: What we need is a crazy way to get Hyde to the party...
Michael: Wait a minute, I'm a COP!
Randy: That's right - Fez and I can take him out in the El Camino, and you pull us over and arrest us, and take Hyde to the party in a police car!
Michael: No, I left my gun at the playground!
[Runs out in a panic]

Michael: Your ass is mine, cheese puff!
Todd: How did you know my nickname?

[Hyde and Kelso decide to drive to see Fez]
Michael: Fine, Shotgun!
Steven: There's only two of us, you moron!

Michael: Let's stop fighting! It's Halloween! Time for peace on earth and goodwill toward men!

Eric: Hey! What kind of idiot leaves the keys *in* the ignition?
Michael: When I put the keys in my pocket, it distracts from my natural bulge! God!

Michael: [finishing Hyde's pizza] This doesn't taste like monkey butt!

Jackie: Ugh, would you look at those boobs!
Michael: Uh, I *am*! It's disgusting! I mean, what is she even thinking, packing in those sweet melons like that? I can't even look away!

Michael: [peeking into the girls bathroom] This is your CPR instructor! I'm gonna need to check your lung capacities!
[to Red, who he thinks is Eric, Fez and Hyde]
Michael: That means their boobs.

Michael: Rudolph had a girlfriend, okay? Her name was Clarise! She thought he was cute! Now, if *anyone* was gay, it was that Hermy guy. I mean, *no* straight elf has hair like that!

Michael: [Kelso begins to regret cheating on Jackie] Y'know, I guess it was wrong, what I did with Laurie. But I was just amusing myself, y'know? And that's the key to life, right? Never stop amusing yourself.
Fez: Unless it starts to chafe. Then you should take a week off. It's almost Tuesday, right?

Eric: Okay, guys. Road trip checklist. Car: Check. Okay. We're good.
Fez: Is there anything about Canada we need to know before we get there?
Steven: Well, the beer is stronger and as a result, their women look prettier.
Fez: Then let's haul ass to Canada!
Eric: Okay. Shh. Fez, if my Dad finds out that we're going to Canada, uh, for beer, no less, he's gonna start killing people, okay? People like us. So, keep it down.
Michael: [Runs up to the guys, yelling at the top of his voice] All right! Canada! Whoo-hoo! Beer!
[blows his air horn]
Eric: Kelso, you're not going.
Michael: What! Why not?
Steven: Because this is a risky mission and you tend to screw these things up.
Michael: That is a damnable lie!
Eric: Okay. Kelso, remember that time we were gonna put a flaming bag of dog poop in front of Principal Pridwell's door, and you lit it in the car on the way over?
Michael: Yeah, I wanted to see it all flamey.
Eric: And then you panicked and stepped on it.
Michael: Eric, it was on fire!
Eric: Okay, You're not going.
Michael: No, no, no. Fine. I won't use the air horn, and I'll pay for the gas and the beer.
Eric: I can't stay mad at you. Come on, you big lug.
Leo: [already sitting in the back seat of the car] Hey, dudes.
Steven: Leo, man! What are you doin' here?
Leo: Sittin'. What are you doin' here?
Steven: We're goin' to Canada to buy beer.
Leo: Canada? Cool, man. I spent some time up there during 'Nam.
Eric: Oh. Conscientious objector, huh?
Leo: No, I didn't mind. Hey, a road trip sounds good, man, but I don't want nothin' to do with that beer. That stuff will mess with your mind, man.

Steven: Hello, my minimum wage friend. I demand service.
Eric: Welcome to Fatso Burger. How may I serve you?
Steven: That is so sad, Burger Boy!
Michael: Jackie, I've been wracking my brain trying to think of why this guy didn't hire me.
Jackie: Michael, I'm so sick of hearing this. You've still got me.
Michael: I'm good looking and he's jealous! This body's a curse!
Jackie: If you worked, you wouldn't be able to see me whenever I wanted, lover.
[They kiss]
Fez: Please! Stop touching! It gives me needs.

Donna: Oh, have I told you how incredibly attractive you are, Eric?
Eric: No.
Michael: You told me he was cute.
Donna: No, I didn't.
Michael: I remember, because you said not to say anything in front of Eric.

Laurie: [Jackie and Laurie are arguing in the basement] You better watch your back!
Jackie: Really? 'Cause you should stop spending so much time on *yours*!
Michael: Burn!
[Laurie looks shocked]
Michael: Hey, I'm sorry. I just got swept away by a super-good burn.

Steven: [after seeing Donna leave] I guess Donna didn't take it very well.
Red: Take what well?
[Turns around to look at Kelso]
Michael: Eric made out with Kate.
Red: Anything else?
Fez: Your son is a whore.

Jackie: [Begins the "Wizard of Oz" dream sequence as Dorothy] Oh, Toto. Losing "Snow Queen" has left me searching for guidance. Surely, the Wizard of Oz can help.
[Stops walking as she meets Kelso, as the Scarecrow]
Michael: Jackie, why'd you make me the Scarecrow? He needs a brain!
Jackie: No, no. I made you the Scarecrow because you love chasing birds.
Michael: I *do* love chasing birds.
[Both of them start walking together but stop when they meet Hyde, as the Tin Man]
Steven: Is this some kind of joke, 'cause I'm not laughing! Kelso's the Scarecrow?
[chuckles]
Steven: Yeah.
[the three of them start walking together but stop when they meet Fez, as the Cowardly Lion]
Fez: Look, guys! I'm a bear!
Jackie: Fez, you're the Cowardly Lion.
Fez: But, I want to be a bear.
Michael: At least you have a brain.
Steven: This sucks.
Jackie: Oh, will everyone just shut up? When it's your dream, you can be whatever you want!
Fez: I want to be a bear.
[the four of them start walking together but once again stop as they meet Donna, as the Wicked Witch of the West]
Donna: Jackie, what the hell?
[Eric, as the Flying Monkey, shows up]
Eric: [laughing] She totally made you a witch! That's so awesome!
Donna: She made *you* a flying monkey!
Eric: What?
[Checks himself out]
Eric: Oh, crap!
Donna: Let's kick her ass!
Eric: Yeah!
[Jackie then screams and runs away as the gang angrily chase after her]

Michael: I know what you're thinking, punk: "Is that gun real or fake?"
Eric: Well, the gun is green... But it's also plastic, so it's anyone's guess.

Michael: Ever since Jackie left, I'm no good at pinball.
Fez: You were never good at pinball.
Steven: Let's look at the bright side of not having Jackie. First, no Jackie. Second, now you can do all the things that you could never do when you were with her, man. Which was, at last count... everything!
Michael: Oh, man. You're right. Y'know, Jackie never ever wanted me to, like, cheat on her, or grow a beard and I always wanted to. And now I can let this grow out.
[he strokes his chin]
Fez: May I grow one, too?
Michael: I dunno, Fez. The two of us growin' beards together - isn't that kinda girly?
Fez: Well, I just figure, the more the hairier.
[Fez enjoys his own pun, but realizes no one else is laughing]
Fez: Oh, I'm surrounded by idiots.

Michael: [looking at a book] So, that's what an adultress is. I always thought it was a tiny adult.

Michael: I'm just saying... How can I tell you this without hurting your feelings? Oh, I know! Jackie, I don't want your stupid things in my cool van.
[Jackie gasps and storms out]
Michael: Wait! I didn't say *you* were stupid, just everything you like!

Michael: Nice Christmas decorations! I see you're using one of the better-tasting glues.

Michael: You guys are making a pretty good case that I'm the stooge.
Steven: Well, if you're not, there's a guy who's about to step on a rake that I really wanna meet.

Kid: I'm TRYING to READ!
Michael: Don't be a sissy! Here, here's a firecracker - go live a little.

Michael: We might not be the perfect match, but I really, really like you. And I think maybe us having this baby together is, like, fate.
Brooke: Michael, fate is when two people meet on a train, or in Paris. Not in the bathroom at a Molly Hatchet concert.
[she walks away]
Michael: Fate! Man, never use a word in a fight if you don't really, really know what it means.

Michael: It turns out the key to winning Jackie back was in the last place I thought to look: my own brain!

[to Eric and Donna]
Michael: There's no groping in the circle! We made that rule for Fez, but it goes for everyone.

Michael: If you walk in on Red naked, he'll think you're the biggest idiot in the world!
Charlie: Wow, that kinda makes sense... You must hear this all the time, but you're really smart!
Michael: I DO hear that all the time.

Michael: Oh, I've seen this movie. See, those guys think Cary Grant's a secret agent but he's not. It's a case of mistaken identity.
Reginald: Right, like you've mistaken me for someone who wants you here.

Michael: Look, man. Breaking up sucks, okay? When Jackie dumped me, you know what she said? "Something, something... Never want to see you again... Blah, blah, blah..." Hey, you think that didn't hurt?

Michael: This place is awesome! Look, they've even got dirty cartoons on the wall!
Steven: Kelso, those are CPR instructions.
Michael: I've done CPR a *lot*.

Michael: We found one place yesterday that was perfect, but we can't get it 'cause Fez and the landlord are having a feud.
Reginald: Well, you're not spending another night under my roof. So, come on. We're gonna have a chat with this landlord. What's this guy got against you anyway?
Fez: I don't know. That's like asking you why you hate commies. You don't know why. You just do.
Reginald: I know exactly why I hate commies. They wouldn't stop shooting at me!

Michael: I have a question. If Hyde was in Hyde's bed, and Jackie was in Hyde's bed, what exactly was going on in said bed?
Steven: Nothing. She needed a place to sleep.
Michael: Needed a place to sleep! Well, a bed is an interesting choice now, wouldn't you say?

Steven: Well, I'm fine, so I'm going!
Jackie: Well, I'm fine, too! In fact, I'm superfine!
Michael: No, no, wait! *I'm* superfine! I have a t-shirt that says so!
Donna: You also have a t-shirt that says, "I'm With Stupid", and the arrow is pointing straight up.
Michael: Yeah, I hate that shirt. It doesn't even make sense!
[scoffingly]
Michael: Who's *above* me?

Michael: I can't believe I'm the stooge.
Jackie: Michael, it's just the way some people are, okay? Some people are lazy, some people are clumsy, some people are stooges.
Steven: You're lucky enough to be all three.

[Pam Macy is driving her car, Kelso is sitting next to her. Kelso is embarrassed and Pam has a sour expression on her face because Kelso was unable to "perform"]
Michael: Look, Pam, I'm really sorry about what happened. Again. I must have the flu or something.
Pam: Well, it's not like any flu *I've* ever heard of.
Michael: [angrily] Well, there's lots of kinds of flu, Pam!
[pause]
Michael: I'm sorry.
Pam: [teasing] Oh, well, don't take it so *hard*. Oops! Sorry.
Michael: Look, just don't tell anybody, okay?
Pam: [smiles nastily] Oh, Flopsy, I'm not gonna tell *anybody*. I'm gonna tell *everybody*!
[Kelso is worried to hear that]

Michael: That was the worst idea I've ever had, and I've had some bad ideas! I mean, a firecracker suit what was THAT?
Steven: Best 4th of June ever.

Kitty: [Everybody is packed inside the car] Do you have to breathe so much? It's like a sauna in here!
Eric: Alright, you heard the lady! No more breathing!
Kitty: I didn't tell you not to breathe, I asked you not to breathe as much. There's a difference.
Fez: [to Red] For crazy people...
Reginald: Hey, Ali Baba! Close sesame!
Steven: Red, you missed the exit.
Reginald: Oh, damn! Eric, you're supposed to be watching the map! What are you doing?
Eric: [Eric holds up the map, which he has folded into a crown] Making you a crown, because you're King of the Road!
Fez: I need to go to the bathroom.
Steven: Can you turn up the radio?
Michael: [Playing his video game] First down... Touchdown!
Kitty: WILL YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP!

Fez: [in the Circle in the basement] I don't want to get into a religious argument, but my god can kick your God's ass.
Steven: God is dead, man. It said so in Time Magazine.
Leo: No, man. I sat next to God once on the bus. He told me the meaning of life and then he gave me a pretzel.
Steven: So, what's the meaning of life, man?
Leo: Uh - yeah. I guess I should'a written it down. But it was a good pretzel, man!
Eric: Maybe this life doesn't even matter, y'know. Maybe we're not even here. Or, no, maybe I'm here, but you're not.
Eric: [suddenly desperate and feeling alone] Hello?
Michael: Y'know what the best thing God ever did was? Boobs!
Fez: Yes. And God said, "Let there be boobs!" and then there were boobs.
Steven: Hey, if God is all-powerful, can he make a boob so big that even *he* can't lift it?
Leo: That's a good question, man. I'll ask him next time I'm on the bus.

Donna: [on the California beach] I miss Eric. That guy even looks like Eric.
[Double take]
Donna: Eric? Oh my God, Eric!
Eric: [Looking around Kelso's van, he turns sharp at Donna's voice] Donna!
[They run to each other in slow motion, Kelso tries to run along side Donna, but Donna pushes him down; they stop short of each other, just staring deeply into each other's eyes for a long moment and then... Kelso tackles Donna, wrestling her to the ground. Incredulous]
Eric: Kelso, what the Hell are you doing?
Michael: Winning!
[Donna gets free, stands up and kicks Kelso in the side, then returns to looking at Eric]
Donna: Eric... I can't believe you came for me.
Eric: Of course I did. Donna... Donna I love you. And I... I...
[he can't find the words]
Donna: [Steps forward and kisses him passionately]
Michael: You guys can smooch all you want, I totally won!
[walks off]

[Eric's car battery is dead]
Randy: So, what? You want a battery? 'Cause I can get you a battery.
Eric: Are they cheap, or possibly free?
Randy: Thirty-two bucks, minimum.
Michael: All right, I'll tell you what. We'll trade you our battery, plus five bucks, for one of your batteries.

Michael: I'm what's known as "man-pretty".

[Hyde, Jackie and Fez are listening to Kelso]
Michael: Okay, Jackie. There are some things I haven't been honest about that I feel like you should know.
Jackie: [nods] Okay.
[Jackie looks at Hyde and Fez]
Jackie: Why are they here?
Michael: Well, Hyde helpfully pointed out that it's not really honesty unless your friends are allowed to watch.
[Hyde smiles]
Michael: So, anyway, I made a list.
Steven: [to Jackie] The list was my idea.
Michael: Thank you for that, Hyde. Okay, so let's just get started. Um, that picture you saw of me in kindergarten? Those weren't puffy pants. It was a big-boy diaper.
[Hyde and Fez chuckle. Some time later: ]
Michael: ...and that time you came out of the shower and you thought you saw a flash? I *did* take your picture. This one time you asked me if you had anything in your teeth and you did, but I said no, 'cause it's funnier that way.
[Hyde is enjoying. Jackie's expression becomes more and more sour. Some time later: ]
Michael: ...when we were about to fool around and I said that I washed my hands? But, really, I just got done playing with, like, six dogs.
[Jackie looks at Hyde, who barely suppresses his laughter. Fez looks disgusted]
Michael: But, that's not as bad...
Jackie: [sharply] All right, Michael, stop! Okay, Michael, I think we need to work on *selective* honesty.
Fez: [disgusted] Yes, that and basic hygiene. Seriously, good God, man.
[Fez leaves]
Jackie: Okay, Michael, unless one of your secrets involves kissing a girl, I don't need to know about it.
[Jackie walks to the door]
Michael: Okay. All right.
Michael: [to Hyde] Oh, science fact: dogs are cleaner than humans.
[Kelso and Jackie leave]

Michael: [Trying to pry the box of Playboys out of Fez's hands] Fez, you're... you're not letting go...
Fez: Look, a robot!
[Kelso turns to see and Fez runs out of the basement with the box of Playboys]
Eric: Man, you fall for that every time!
Michael: Yeah, well one day there's GONNA BE a robot, and all YOU suckers are gonna miss it!

Jackie: Wait. So, your parents are going to be out of town?
Donna: Yeah. It's just going to be me alone Saturday. Well, I'm babysitting my sister, Tina. I'll watch some TV, maybe order a pizza.
Michael: Let's have a party! A toga party!
Jackie: Michael, maybe she doesn't want to have a party. Maybe she wants to be alone.
Donna: Well, it'd just be me, but if someone happens to come by, that'll be cool.
Michael: So, we're on! I'll bring the beer!
Fez: Donna, I've never been to an American party. May I come?
Donna: I don't care. So, Eric, will you be there?
Eric: Eric:
[not looking up from the newspaper]
Eric: Yeah, sure.
Jackie: [Donna leaves the basement and Jackie smacks Eric and Kelso across the backs of their heads] You are both so stupid!
Steven: That's a first! I actually agree with Jackie!
[to Eric]
Steven: She totally put on a full court press, man, and you dropped the ball!
Eric: What are you talking about? All she said was, she's going to be alone Saturday, order a pizza... Oh, my God, I'm so stupid!