200 Best Kitty Forman Quotes

Kitty: OK, let's make this the prettiest muffler shop ever!
Reginald: All I wanted was a Grand Opening sign...
Kitty: And you got one
[holds up small rectangle of cloth]
Kitty: - in NEEDLEPOINT!
Reginald: But it's so small!
Kitty: Needlepoint is HARD! You know what, you should have just married Betty Parker!

Donna: This entire room is an example of bad taste!
[Kitty and Red walk into the living room]
Kitty: Excuse me?
Donna: Mrs. Forman?
Kitty: I have spent years picking out every item in this room, surrounding myself with the things I love and the people I thought loved me!
Reginald: Kitty, let's take a nap.
Kitty: [to Red] And have you fixed the damn clicker yet? What good is a clicker if it won't click?
[Kitty throws the remote onto the coffee table, causing it to bounce onto the floor, where she stomps on it]

Bob: [Bob gives Red a gift] You're welcome, big guy.
Reginald: What's this for?
Bob: No reason. I have been thinking about you and how much we have been through a lot.
Reginald: No, we haven't.
[Opens the box and finds new shoes]
Kitty: Oh, he gave you shoes. What do you say, Red?
Reginald: [to Bob] What the hell's wrong with you?
Kitty: Or we say, "Thank you, very much.".
Reginald: [to Bob] Don't you think it's a little odd for a man to be giving another man a pair of shoes?
Bob: I saw them. I thought they would go nice with your tan pants.
Reginald: Quit thinking about my pants. My legs and what covers them is my business.

Eric: Mom, I signed my paycheck over to you. Buy yourself something pretty, or... electricity.
Kitty: Oh, thank you, honey!
[turns to Red]
Kitty: Red, it wouldn't hurt you to thank him, too!
Red: It might. I just had a heart attack.

Eric: Hey, since when did you get all serious?
Michael: [He points to a copy of Cosmopolitan Magazine, sitting on the coffee table] Been readin' Cosmo. It's very educational. I never realized how much plumbing girls had down there. There's this diagram, and it's like a map of Six Flags!
Eric: [later, the guys are at the kitchen table, looking at an issue of Cosmo] It's like Playboy, but girls look at it.
Michael: I know. How hot is that?
Fez: Ahh, look. Six Flags.
Kitty: [Kitty and Red walk in] Well, that better not be a dirty magazine. Oh, Cosmo! Good for you!
Reginald: Cosmo? You boys are spending too much time together.

Kitty: Now, who would like a drink?
Bob: Oooh! Let's do daiquiris, huh?
Kitty: Oh, I don't know if we have enough ice. Eric took a whole tubful.
Reginald: He took a tub of ice?
Kitty: Oh, the kids are making a volcano.
Midge: Right. That's why Donna left with all the plastic cups.
Reginald: Plastic cups?
Midge: Sure, plastic volcano cups!

Reginald: This mall is only big enough for one Santa, Bob.
Bob: Tell ya what. You name five reindeer and I'll step down.
Reginald: I can name five toes that are gonna be in your ass!
Kitty: [annoyed] Oh, for goodness sake! Why don't we stop calling it Christmas and call it "Assmas"?
Bob: [gets up, sighing] Fine, I'll go. I only got worked up because Joanne's gone and Donna's working. The only people I have at home are my two friends, Egg and Nog.
[Red sighs and takes off his Santa suit]
Reginald: Alright, fine. You wanna be Santa, go ahead.
Bob: [sits back] Thanks, Red.
Reginald: Yeah, it's all for the best. I've already eaten about two pounds of fake beard as it is.
[the young boy returns with a cop. He points accusingly at Bob, mistaking him for Red]
Young: There he is! Santa's the one that told me communists hate God.
[confused, Bob looks around]
Reginald: [smiles] Gotta go, Santa!
[Red walks away, without correcting the boy's mistaken identity]
Kitty: Merry Christmas, Bob!
[Kitty walks away]
Kitty: [mumbles angrily] Mrs. Claus needs a drink.
[the cop approaches Bob, who still does not understand what he's been accused of]

Michael: Mrs. Foreman, I have a black eye and I need ice!
Kitty: I'm not doing anything more for men today.

Reginald: Don't you like anything cheap?
Kitty: I like you.

Kitty: [to Samantha] Plus, I saw a made-for-tv movie where someone like you moved in and killed the whole family!

Kitty: Good news, Red! I just took Cosmo's "How To Please Your Man In Bed" quiz, and I got nine out of ten!
[laughs]
Kitty: But, I didn't get number three, because I'm a nurse and number three is icky!

Dr. Ashley: All right, let's start Mr Harris on a full course of penicillin.
Kitty: Oh, um, Doctor, you might want to consider erythromycin.
Dr. Ashley: [patronizing] And why would I want to do that, Nurse?
Kitty: Well, it's just that, uh, Mr Harris is allergic to penicillin, and I thought erythromycin might make him a touch less dead.

Kitty: [Frantically searching for the missing nudes of Donna] Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no, no, NO! OK, Kitty, you know what to do!
[Pulls out a bottle of wine and pours a big glass]

Reginald: Kitty, where're the Band-Aids? I cut my thumb with a hacksaw.
Kitty: Red, you know those things are dangerous.
Reginald: Well, I tried cutting a metal pipe with a flower, but it was real slow going.

Kitty: How DARE you bring strippers into my home! The whole place smells of strawberries and baby oil!

Kitty: Here you go, ham and egg whites - no yolks, they're bad for you.
Red: But the yellow part is the baby bird - that's the part I want to eat!

Kitty: [sympathetic] Oh, your dad's havin' a hard time without your mom, isn't he?
Reginald: [looks sideways from his paper] Midge was the brains of that outfit?
[cackles]
Reginald: Oh, I'm... I'm sorry, Donna.
Eric: [opens the door to the kitchen, enters] Sorry about what?
Reginald: You, uh, get Donna bread and cheese.
Eric: [confused] Okay.
Donna: [strokes the dress Kitty is ironing] Oh, this is a really nice dress.
Kitty: I know! Isn't it fancy?
[laughs]
Kitty: It's for the Pricemart Ball tomorrow night.
Eric: Oh, right. The Pricemart Ball.
Kitty: [to Eric] So, who are you takin'? Who's the lucky lady?
Eric: Well, I decided not to go. Personal choice.
Reginald: [not looking up from paper] You don't have a date, do ya?
Eric: Okay. You know what? It's not about "can I get a date". It's about this great book that I'm, like, halfway through. Plus, you know, I could get a date.
[Red laughs]
Eric: I got numbers, buddy!
Kitty: Sure you do, Honey! You're Number One with me!
[laughs hysterically]
Reginald: [looking up from paper] You're goin' tomorrow night. And you'd better not go stag, Eric. There's nothing worse than an 80-pound boy dancing with his mommy all night.
[Eric slightly rolls his eyes]
Donna: You know what?
[clears throat and takes Eric's arm to turn him toward her]
Donna: I'll go. I told you I would, like, months ago.
Eric: But, that was before the... ugliness.
Donna: [ever-so-slightly dramatic] Eric, I'm over it.
[voice of realization]
Donna: Hey, I'm over it! Oh! I'm... I'm over it!
[Eric's eyes dart to and fro]
Donna: Plus, I mean, last year, they had all-you-can-eat shrimp.
Eric: Well, I mean...
[snorts]
Eric: You know, I'm over it. Hey! I'm over it! Yeah, I'm over it. I was just worried that you might think it was weird, us going out on a date. So, I mean, you know, the... the concern lay with you.
Donna: [amused] Eric, it's not a date!
Eric: It's not. I know. I know it's not a date. It's not a date. It's a... shrimp fest. It's a festival of shrimp, if you will.
Donna: [nods, laughing] Exactly!
Eric: Oh.
Donna: [still amused] I'll see you tomorrow night.
Eric: Okay.
[Donna leaves the kitchen]
Kitty: See, now, look. My little prince is going to the ball.

Kitty: Look, it's Jackie - I know somebody who's on TV!
Red: Whaddya know, it really IS an idiot box!

Kitty: It's the Russians.

Kitty: So, how's the day going?
Reginald: [smiles] Well, let's see. I interviewed fifteen potential employees: ten dumbasses, four morons and a mama's boy.
Kitty: I vote for the mama's boy. I think they're sweet.

Kitty: Oh, do they have peach schnapps? Peach is my favorite schnapps!

Reginald: [to the new gay neighbors] Wait, you guys live together, without any wives or girlfriends?
[Assenting nods]
Reginald: You know what I call guys like you
Kitty: [Undertone] Oh, dear!
Reginald: Lucky bastards!

Kitty: Laurie, what are you doing? Church starts in 10 minutes!
Laurie: Mom, I'm not going.
Kitty: What?
Laurie: Well, Eric's not going, either!
Kitty: Oh, of course he is.
Eric: [clearly uncomfortable] Y'... No... Y'know, I thought... Mom, I thought you said we had the choice.
Kitty: Uh-huh.
Eric: And I chose 'No'. But, uh, 'Yes' was a close second.
Kitty: Y'know, I don't understand this at all. You give me one good reason why you don't want to go to church.
Eric: [in rapid succession] It's hot...
Laurie: It's boring...
Eric: The music sucks...
Laurie: The pastor's ugly...
Eric: I have to wear a tie...
Laurie: I have to wear a bra...
Kitty: Enough!

Reginald: Did someone shove a vacuum cleaner up your nose and suck out your last lonely brain cell?
Kitty: What is going on in your head?

Kitty: Help me with this crossword puzzle. I need a four letter word for disappointment.
Red: [dryly] Eric.

Kitty: Steven has another father he doesn't even know about! Mayba a NICE father, maybe a SOBER father... well, maybe not ENTIRELY sober, because we know how THOSE people are!
[Shudders]

[Jackie's mom has left home]
Kitty: Honey, do you have any idea where she might be?
Jackie: Well, the last postcard I got had a picture of some guy with a bone through his nose. What is that? Like, Tennessee?

Reginald: I do too have friends - I have lots of friends!
Kitty: Name one.
Reginald: Charlie, from Korea - he's a friend!
Kitty: When's the last time you were in touch with him?
Reginald: On the boat over from Korea... We said everything we had to say!

Red: Hey, where are you going with my food?
Kitty: To Bob and Donna. When your wife or mother leaves you, you need a good breakfast!
Red: Well, I need a good breakfast.
Kitty: I didn't leave you. Eat a pop-tart!

Kitty: [Referring to her romance novels] They're not dirty, they're ROMANTIC!
Red: [Reads the title] "Mutiny from Behind"...?

Steven: Mrs. Forman, college isn't for me. I do my learning on the streets.
Reginald: Steven, you're a smart kid. If you apply yourself, you can go to college, too.
Steven: You don't trust me alone around the house?
Reginald: See how smart you are?
Kitty: My baby boy is all grown up and off visiting college. I am *so* frickin old!
Eric: And menopause makes another unwelcome appearance at the dinner table.

Kitty: Well, the kids are off. I wonder where they went.
Reginald: Out of town.
Kitty: How do you know?
Reginald: I told them not to.

Kitty: I've been trying so hard to get you to notice me, and all I had to do was set my hair on fire!

Kitty: [about her upcoming dinner party] Oh, and since it's a special occasion, you'll all be allowed one sip of wine!
Eric: Great, so it'll be like going to communion, but without the fun!

Eric: Mom, I'm really sorry. I know how much you wanted a baby. I'm not sure what to say, mainly because I don't really know what menopause is. Are you going to lose your hair?
Reginald: Shut up, she's not losing anything. From time to time, a woman's body... Kitty, explain it to the boy.
Bea: I'm just going to get some orange juice.
Eric: Mom, maybe you should talk to Grandma about this.
Reginald: Yeah, we're just a couple of ignoramuses!
Kitty: Go!
Eric: [as they're leaving] Is it... Is it a "lady parts" thing?
Reginald: We'll look it up in the World Book.

[Red has been volunteered to be Santa Claus at the mall this year, and is not at all thrilled about it. He and Kitty are at the mall, dressed like Santa and Mrs. Santa. Bob wears an elf costume]
Kitty: [chuckles] Okay, Mr. Claus. Let's hear your best Santa laugh!
Reginald: [dully] Ho, ho.
Bob: You left out a 'ho', Red. It's three ho's! Did you even read the Santa manual?
Kitty: Okay, Red, I'm sure you'll do fine. Just remember, Santa is a cheerful, jolly fellow, who never calls a child "dumbass".
[some time later]
Reginald: So, what do ya want for Christmas?
Young: I want a Slinky!
Reginald: A Slinky? Oh, you'll get sick of a Slinky in a day. I'm putting you down for flash cards. Math, that's what you're getting for Christmas.
[the boy gapes]
Reginald: Next!
Young: I want a pony.
Reginald: Ponies die.
[the girl is shocked]
Reginald: What you need is a good pair of boots. Go on, keep it moving.
Little: I want a flying car.
Reginald: I did, too, when I was your age, kid. But then the future came... and took my dreams away. Just like it's gonna take yours.
[the girl gapes]
Kitty: Okay. Okay, little girl, y'know what? I bet if you're extra good, you'll get your flying car one day.
[Kitty and the girl walk away]
Reginald: [calling after them] Don't listen to her, it's a lie!
[Kitty turns to Red, glaring at him]
Kitty: [chiding] Bad Santa!

[Kitty has just announced to the family that she's pregnant]
Kitty: Oh, what a day. I'm so happy! I'm just gonna go and throw up.
[she leaves the kitchen]
Red: I just don't understand how this could have happened.
Eric: Hmmm. Maybe it's about time we had 'The Talk'. Y'see, when a boy loves a girl...
Steven: Doesn't have to love her.
Eric: That's true. Anyhoo, the boy's sexual organ...
Red: Hey! Shut it, dumbass.
Eric: That kid's gonna love it here.

[Eric learns that Kitty wants him to go shopping with her to get him new underwear]
Eric: Yeah, well I have to... bye!
Kitty: You know, he used to love going shopping with me.
Red: Look, Kitty, he's sixteen...
Kitty: Seventeen.
Red: Whatever. The point is that when a boy hits that age, they don't want to spend time with their mother. And if they do, they're weird.

Grandma: Oh, God, *no*! You're pregnant!
Kitty: Yes.
Grandma: Do you know who the father is?
Kitty: You know what I hear is nice: Florida!

Kitty: Will Michael's parents be home?
Eric: Yes.
Reginald: Are they as dumb as he is?
Eric: I can't lie. Yes. Yes, they are.
Reginald: Right answer. That was a trick question. I know they're dumb.

Kitty: How DARE you bring strippers into my home! The whole place smells of strawberries and baby oil!

Kitty: Pssst! Pssst! How's it going?
[the party for Hyde]
Jackie: Great! At first I was thinking of wearing my hair up, but it's one of my top five features, so... voila!

Kitty: [pounding on countertop] Listen to me! Midge has left Bob!
Eric: Are you sure?
[giggles]
Eric: Maybe she's just lost in the backyard.

Kitty: Well, we're off to buy curtains for Eric's room. We're making it into a sewing area, so I thought a nice floral print might really pretty it up.
Reginald: It's all part of our plan to make Eric's room less girlie.
Fez: I wanted to make my room more manly, so I put up some posters of the Village People. Mission accomplished!

Kitty: [Everybody is packed inside the car] Do you have to breathe so much? It's like a sauna in here!
Eric: Alright, you heard the lady! No more breathing!
Kitty: I didn't tell you not to breathe, I asked you not to breathe as much. There's a difference.
Fez: [to Red] For crazy people...
Reginald: Hey, Ali Baba! Close sesame!
Steven: Red, you missed the exit.
Reginald: Oh, damn! Eric, you're supposed to be watching the map! What are you doing?
Eric: [Eric holds up the map, which he has folded into a crown] Making you a crown, because you're King of the Road!
Fez: I need to go to the bathroom.
Steven: Can you turn up the radio?
Michael: [Playing his video game] First down... Touchdown!
Kitty: WILL YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP!

Reginald: Shoes are an inappropriate gift to give another man.
Kitty: Well, what about when you joined the service? Another man issued you your boots.
Reginald: But then he gave me a gun, so I let it go.
Kitty: Well, why don't you just accept the shoes because Bob is your friend?
Reginald: You don't understand how men work. We don't give each other presents. We pretty much ignore each other until someone scores a touchdown.

Kitty: [Hyde doesn't want to talk about where his father has gone] Well, Steven, it's important to get these things out in the open.
Reginald: Kitty, let him do what's natural and keep his feelings bottled up.
[Red turns to face Hyde]
Reginald: Attaboy!

Donna: But, Mrs. Forman, what about that time you lied to Pastor Dave? You told him the dog ate your bake sale cookies, but you baked them because you were too busy sipping Kahlua...
Kitty: I did not lie to Pastor Dave in church, I lied to him in the market, and in the market, he's just another man! And for your information, Donna, Kahlua is barely a drink - it's like root beer!

Bob: Sorry I had to call you guys, but these two are making so much noise I couldn't hear my program!
Kitty: Bob, did you really have to call the police?
Bob: Well, how am I supposed to name that tune if I can't even hear the notes?

Kitty: Ooh, the Lion's Head! If we're going some place that fancy, I'll have to shave your neck- I'll go get the clippers.

- "Because I love you.
- I always loved you,
- "and I want to make you a promise.
- "No matter what happens...
- "Good or bad...
- I will always love you."
Kitty: Oh!

Kitty: Well, I'm upset because my engagement ring got lost and Red doesn't seem to give a damn, and even if he doesn't care about the sentimental value, it still cost $1000!
Bob: [Grinning to Red] A thousand bucks? So, you finally got rid of the cheap one, eh?

Bob: I think I got Red's, because the only words I can repeat are "Eric", "little" and a word that starts with "mother"...
Kitty: Well, "Mother", that's nice!
Bob: It takes a pretty hard left turn.
Kitty: [Storming out] Thanksgiving is RUINED!

Reginald: [as Eric whistles nonchalantly, helping himself to food] I just noticed something about you. You're still here!
Kitty: What your father means is, you haven't seemed yourself since you called off the wedding.
Reginald: No, what I mean is... *get out*!

Kitty: Oh wonderful, I started out in God's magic circle and ended up in Satan's evil square. I can't believe any of you would walk into church without bursting into flames.

Kitty: [Kitty is recording an audio tape for Eric in Africa] Eric! Steven just punched Michael!
[regains composure]
Kitty: And although I am upset with Steven for hitting Michael, it was *very* exciting!

Kitty: [Kitty takes Donna's wedding dress, which is now gray, out of the dryer] Let's look on the bright side. Maybe gray is a more honest color for Donna.

Kitty: Well, who's this Stacey who doesn't like my son? I have half a mind to call her mother!

Reginald: Kitty, put that out.
Kitty: [Red moves towards Kitty to take the cigarette] Back off, Grinch!

Reginald: Let me get this straight. Donna wanted to get back together and you said, "no".
Eric: I said, "no".
Reginald: You said, "no"?
Kitty: Dumb-ass!
Eric: Look, I have my reasons, okay?
Kitty: What could they be? What could they possibly be?
Eric: Casey dumps her and she comes back to me? Okay, I'm not a rebound.
Reginald: So, you're too proud to take her back? And what do you have to be so proud of? You're not an athlete. The only smart thing about you is your mouth. And look at you.
Kitty: Red... Red, he looks fine. He's just so darn stupid! I'm... I'm very upset.
Eric: Well, stop, okay? Because I already feel bad enough as it is.
Kitty: Well, you should!
Eric: Well, I do!

Kitty: If you don't give me that baby, so help me, the dryer goes down!

- Aah!
Kitty: Oh, red!
Red: Oh, kitty!
Kitty: Oh, red!
- J' tell me that you like it, yeah j' j' you ain't got no... j'

Kitty: Okay, Bob, I think the problem is that Joanne thinks you're moving just a little too fast
Bob: That's just who I am. I do everything fast. I run fast, I drive fast, I eat fast...
Kitty: Okay, what happens when you eat too fast?
Bob: I get gassy.
Kitty: Right. Okay. Well, a relationship works the same way. When it grows too fast it... it gets gassy, too. And, and, and then the bad thing happens and people leave the room.

Kitty: Honey, I put some sandwiches in your duffel bag. Now, um, why do you need such a big bag of oregano?
Eric: Uh, Donna's Italian.

Fez: Ms. Kitty, I'm so glad you could come have lunch with me today!
Kitty: I'm always happy to have a salad and a martini in the middle of the day!
Fez: But... You didn't have a salad...
Kitty: Well, olives and onions are ALMOST a salad.

Red: [to Eric] Are you on dope? Are you?
Kitty: Because, because we can help get you clean. There's counseling, hospitalization...
Red: My foot kicking your ass.

Kitty: [scolding Red] And now, my baby's leaving!
Laurie: [chirpy-voiced] I'm still here, Mommy!
Kitty: [sarcastically] Yeah, well, that's just great!

Kitty: [Sipping margarita straight from the blender] I can't BELIEVE Fez was seduced by that cradle-robbing slut!
[to Donna and Jackie]
Kitty: You girls throw it around like footballs - couldn't one of YOU have slept with him?

Kitty: [the TV remote won't work] Click, damn it, click!
Reginald: Kitty, I think your "lady problem" is acting up again.
Kitty: No, just the clicker, is all! It's supposed to click! It's a clicker, that's what it does!
Reginald: I think it's time for a nap.
Eric: [Eric enters the living room] Guys! Really important! Donna's coming over and I lost the ring she gave me!
Reginald: Eric, your mother is having a nervous breakdown.
Kitty: The only thing having a breakdown is the clicker! Why won't it click? Nothing loves me!
Donna: [entering the living room] Okay, Eric, Jackie told me you hate the ring!
Eric: Uh-oh...
Donna: I happen to think its beautiful! That's what a man-ring looks like!
Eric: Maybe I'm just not a man-ring kind of guy. I mean, I like man-pants and man-shirts.
Donna: Why didn't you just tell me you hated it when I gave it to you? Just give it back to me.
Eric: I absolutely will. Just as soon as I find it.
Donna: What? How could you lose it? I told you it was a symbol of our loving freaking relationship!
Eric: And my losing it symbolizes how much I love and respect you?
[Donna storms out of the room]
Reginald: Eric! Quick! Get me compound presses and a Bloody Mary! Your mother is talking about adopting a communist orphan! I need help! *Move*, damn it!

Kitty: Well, I don't quite believe you, but, okay.

[on Kitty's mother-in-law]
Kitty: Red's mother is coming.
Midge: What's that pet name she has for you?
Kitty: Whore.

[Red, Kitty and Eric are eating supper]
Reginald: You want to go to California to get Donna?
Kitty: You can't go to California.
Eric: But, I have to tell Donna I love her and... that she should be back here, with me.
Kitty: Oh, well, that's sweet. I think it would sound especially good on the phone, but don't call 'til after 7:00, when the rates go down.
Eric: I can't call her. I mean... if Luke Skywalker...
[Red sighs, tired of hearing Eric's nonstop references to Star Wars]
Reginald: Oh, would you stop! Luke Skywalker this, Luke Skywalker that. I'm sick of hearing about that little fruit.
Eric: [upset] Luke Skywalker is *not*...! He and Leia *clearly*...! I...
[Eric calms down]
Eric: [quietly] Mom, Dad. This is important.
Reginald: No. No California. You know what's important? School. You're gonna be a senior, and you need to buckle down.
Kitty: Luke Skywalker would have buckled down.

Kitty: Oh, you don't need to see that. It's just a doodle of a body part shoved up another body part for comic effect.

Red: [Red is worried Kitty may be exceeding their limited finances] Pork chops? I thought we agreed to stick to a budget. Pork chops aren't cheap.
Kitty: Well, ya know, on the way to the market I tried to run over a cat, but they are just so darn speedy!

Eric: Fenton, at the jewelry store, said that some "pretty little number" came by and paid for...
[struck by a thought, turns to Kitty]
Eric: Oh, my God! Mom, *you're* the pretty little number!
Kitty: [snorting contented laughter] Well, I *do* like hearing that
[turns to glare at Red]
Kitty: ONCE IN A WHILE!

Laurie: Oh, for God's sake! Eric saw you guys doing it!
Kitty: Oh, honey. Were your father and I having intercourse?
Eric: [shocked] Mom!
Kitty: Oh. Well, no wonder you have been acting so strange. Red, say something to the boy.
Red: Oh! Ummm... It's more fun than it looks.

[Kitty and Red think there's a burglar in their house]
Kitty: What if the burglar has Steven?
Reginald: Well, then we'll try to talk him into taking Eric, too.

Kitty: What kind of burglar robs people on a weeknight? Doesn't he have a job to go to in the morning?

Reginald: We should celebrate! Come on, Kitty, let's get you pregnant!
Kitty: [hits him]
Reginald: I'm kidding! You know I can barely stand the kids we have!

Kitty: Are any dirty Commies less dead because of him?

Eric: Dad, I'm quitting my job.
Reginald: You're quitting?
Eric: I'm quitting. I'm a quitter and I couldn't hit a cow over the head with a hammer.
Reginald: Everybody quits their first job. It's no big deal.
Eric: I gotta say I'm a little disappointed, Dad.
Reginald: It wasn't a man's job, anyway.
Kitty: Red...
Reginald: Come on, Kitty! It wasn't a man's job! It was a hairnet, name tag, nothing kind of a job.
Eric: Well, I'm quitting.
Reginald: It's a good thing, too. It was cutting into your chores. You did a half-assed job on that driveway.
Kitty: I think he did a wonderful job.
Reginald: [not looking up from his newspaper] Didn't look wonderful to me.
Kitty: [Stands up, feeling upset because Red's unaware that she did the chores] Sweep it yourself, then!

Kitty: [to Kelso] Oh, honey, you're so wrong it hurts! A pregnant woman can't ride a rollercoaster, and she DEFINITELY can't drink alcohol, or bad things could happen to the baby.
Red: Case in point: Eric.
Kitty: We didn't know any better back then!

Kitty: [about Hyde's brownies] Well, I know Steven put the special ingredient in.
Eric: I told him not to!
Hyde: [At the same time] Special ingredient?
Kitty: Of course! Love!
Hyde: Yes, ma'am, Mrs. Forman. There's a whole big bag of love in here.

Kitty: I just don't understand why we can't watch it
[Roots]
Kitty: like normal people!
Red: Kitty, we have a Betamax - we're BETTER than normal people!

Kitty: Oh, she's staying... I guess I'll go set an extra place at the table for stripper
[correcting herself]
Kitty: - supper!

Pastor: Please stand for a moment of silent meditation.
[we then hear each family member's silent prayer]
Kitty: [she has just quit smoking] Dear God, thank you so much for helping me quit such a filthy, disgusting... soothing, delicious habit. Oh, God, I can't do this. No, no, I'm fine. Amen.
Bernice: Dear God, what's with all the Polacks?
Eric: Dear God, I don't mean to bother you on your day off, but I promised to help out with Grandma, and I have a term paper due tomorrow, so if you could either get her to leave early today or burn down the school tomorrow. I mean, either-or. God's choice. It'd really help me out, man... God... Lord... uh, Amen.
Reginald: Dear Lord, would it kill ya to give the Packers a winning season? Amen. Oh, and, uh, watch over my loving family, blah, blah, blah.

Reginald: [greeting Kitty after his night on the sofa] 'Morning, Kitty! So, what's for breakfast?
Kitty: [still furious from the night before] A funnel!

Red: Wait, what are you saying, Kitty? You really wanted to go to this party!
Kitty: Stop it, Red!
Red: No, no, no, no, no. Now, you get in there and have yourself a good ol' naked time! Who knows, they might even play Twister! Could be fun!

Kitty: Okay, who's ready for Spidey and a sandwich?

Kitty: Well, we're off to buy fabric; we're going to make Eric's room into a sewing room. We thought we'd go with a nice floral pattern.
Red: It's all part of our plan to make Eric's room less girly.

Donna: You're babying him.
Kitty: I'm not.
Donna: Are there crusts on that sandwich?
Kitty: Of course not! Crusts are icky, they make Eric sicky. Oh, my God, I *am* babying him!

Kitty: You know I love my family, but sometimes I just want to get in the car and run them all over.

Kitty: Now, Red, honey, I-I don't think that you're really mad at Marty. I think you are just going through one of the five stages of dealing with death.
Reginald: What are you talking about?
Kitty: There are five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
Reginald: I have two stages: anger and drinking.

- Eric, she's not stupid.
- She's just...
- She has... special...
- Just go.
- Hyde!
Kitty: Oh, honey, just share the room with Eric.
- No, thank you. I'm fine.

Red: [on Valentine's Day, after Kitty learns of Red's emergency stash of gifts] No, it's more of a vast inventory of love.
Kitty: Well, you're about to get a vast inventory of my foot in your ass!
[Red looks shocked]
Kitty: Yeah! I can do that too!

Kitty: All families are embarrassing. If they aren't embarrassing they're dead.

Eric: Then they go into this bar and there are all these space creatures. Then someone makes the mistake of picking on Obi-Wan Kenobi. And then he takes out his lightsaber and he goes "whoosh" and he chops this guy's arm right off... 'cause it's a saber that's made out of light!
Kitty: You know, this doesn't sound like a nice movie. Now, "The Way We Were", that's a nice movie.

Kitty: I have bad news. Midge left Bob.
Eric: Are you sure? I mean, she could just be lost in the backyard.

Midge: Oooh, "Rich Man, Poor Man"! I hope I don't get too emotional!
Kitty: [Eyeing her warily] So do I.

Patty: Kitty, these decorations look awful! This isn't your living room. Everything has to match.
[walks away]
Kitty: You should've mentioned that to your plastic surgeon.

[Red, Kitty and Bob are furious at Eric and Donna for lying to the pastor that they are virgins]
Kitty: [sarcastically] Oh, look! It's Eric and Donna! Did everyone know they're virgins?
[awkward silence. Hyde looks funnily at Eric and Donna]
Kitty: I think I wanna be a virgin too. Hey, everyone! I'm a virgin! Ha-ha-ha! Well, I said that, so it must be true.
Eric: OK, I know this seems really bad, but I've got a really simple way to fix that: just start going to a different church. Hey, how about that one where they sing more and let you marry, like, six people?
Steven: Hey, Red, tell me the story about how Eric and Donna had to stand up in front of the whole church and pretend to be virgins.
Reginald: [angrily] Once upon a time, two dumbasses went to church and brought shame upon their entire family, and their father had to hear about it the whole damn car ride home!
Steven: That's a great story. It's scary, but it's funny, too.

Red: [hitting play on the VCR] And now, voila! We watch "Roots"!
Kitty: [after nothing happens] Where's "Roots", Red?
Red: That's right, I forgot to rewind the tape.
[hits rewind]
Red: The tape...

Kitty: Well, so far he's nine out of ten. Oh, Red, our Johnny *is* high!
Red: Kitty, Eric's not on drugs, he's just... weird!

Theo: Look! It's art! I moved everything in this basement two inches to the left.
Kitty: Oh, yeah.
Theo: I call it: "Basement: Two Inches To The Left".

Steven: [Awakens to softcore porn dialog on cable] What? Oh, Red, you dirty man!
[Runs upstairs to the living room to find Kitty on the couch]
Steven: Mrs Foreman, what are you watching?
Kitty: [Alarmed, switching channels on the cable box] Weather!

Kitty: [to Jackie] Honey, at holiday time we don't say, "He needs a kick in the nads!" We say, "He needs a kick in the sleigh bells."

[Red stole Bob's Christmas lights]
Kitty: Oh, my god. I married the Grinch. I'm Mrs. Grinch!

Red: Yeah, it was funny!
Kitty: Well, I don't know how *funny* it was. Imagine if it were you walking in on *your* parents!
[Red looks at Kitty, highly perturbed]
Kitty: And your mother was a dancer. *That* would have been quite something!

Eric: Donna can't be smarter than me because I'm the man, and that's just the way it is.
Kitty: Well, I do better on tests than your father, but he's the one brave enough to kill spiders. And since we've been married how many tests have I taken? None. How many spiders have your father killed? Hundreds.
Eric: But, Mom... SPIDERS FREAK ME OUT.

[about President Ford]
Kitty: You voted for Gerald Ford.
Reginald: Kitty, no one voted for Gerald Ford.

Kitty: Well, back then we had some morals - not like you girls today, loose, throwing it around town like the paper boy!

Kitty: All families are embarrassing. And if they're not embarrassing, they're dead.

Laurie: Oh, I like to date around.
Eric: [Fake coughs] Slut!
Kitty: Bless you.
Eric: Thanks, Mom.

Kitty: So, what do you want for your birthday?
Red: Whatever you want. Money is no object, as long as it's reasonable.
Eric: I want a cassette player for the car. A cassette player, not an 8-track. *Not* an 8-track. Okay?
Kitty: Why don't they put record players in cars?
Red: Okay, Eric. If you don't want an 8-track, you won't get one.
Kitty: Oh, but Red, he wants one!
Eric: No, I don't. I *don't* want an 8-track.
Red: You'll get a Delco. A genuine GM part for a genuine GM car.

Reginald: [to Eric, at the breakfast table] Now, when are you gonna grow up and start thinking about your future?
Kitty: [brings a glass of juice to the table] Now, Red, don't get upset so early. You won't enjoy your sausage and Tang.
Eric: [giggling] Sausage and Tang? Isn't that a little racy for breakfast?
Kitty: [completely clueless] I don't get it.
Kitty: [Red leaves, and Hyde comes in wearing a torn coat] I'm taking you shopping for a new coat. Here, here, take some Tang and go.
Steven: [with a sly smile] Man, if I had a dollar for every time I heard a chick say that...
Kitty: [Kitty is more confused as the boys leave, laughing] What? What? Never turn down Tang! Growing boys need Tang! What is funny here?

Reginald: The Packers beat the Bears and the boy defended the family. This day has been perfect!
[doorbell rings and he answers it]
Bob: [looking aghast] I touched your wife's butt!
[turns and hurries away]
Kitty: [shrugs and raises her hands] I made $10...

Red: [after Eric refused to be Donna's boyfriend again] Let me get this straight - Donna told you she wanted to get back together and you said NO?
Eric: I said no.
Red: What the Hell is wrong with you?
Kitty: Dumbass!
[Red looks at Kitty in surprise]
Eric: Look, I have my reasons, okay?
Red: What the Hell could they possibly be?
Eric: Casey dumps Donna and then Donna comes running back to ME? Look, I'm not a rebound, All right?
Red: You're too PROUD to take her back? What exactly do you have to be proud OF? You're not an athelete! The only thing smart about you is your mouth! And, well... look at you!

Kitty: [Talking about New York City] It's Sodom and Gomorrah... with a subway.

Kitty: Eric, Jackie's on the phone. She wants to talk to you.
Steven: Jackie wants to talk to Forman?
Kitty: Yes. Now, pick up, because she's been blabbering for 45 minutes, and I never noticed it when she was living here, but she's not that interesting.

Kitty: [to Laurie] Where do you think you're going?
Laurie: To night church?
Reginald: Sorry, curfews for everyone.
Laurie: But, Daddy!

Reginald: [Opening the bedroom door and coming in with presents and balloons] Happy Birthday!
Kitty: Oh, you remembered?
Reginald: Well, of course we remembered, honey. We just figured that we wait 'til there were only fifteen minutes left in the day and you were good and mad, and then we sneak up here and surprise the hell out of you!
Kitty: Wow, what a good plan, 'cause I was awfully mad.
Reginald: Yeah, we really had you going!
Eric: Here, Mom, open this one first. It's from me.
[Gives her the present]
Kitty: Well, thank you, honey.
[Unwraps the first present]
Kitty: Oh. A map of Wisconsin. Oh, well, thank you.
Eric: And Mom, I got you these balloons, too.
[Gives her the balloons]
Kitty: [Reading the slogan on the balloons] "Knock Out the Knock-Knocks at Schiffy's Gas-N-Go". Huh.
Reginald: Wait, Kitty, there's more!
[Gives her his present]
Kitty: [Unwraps the second present] A funnel.
Reginald: 'Cause I know how much you like to pour things!
Kitty: Well, um, either these gifts are really thoughtful, or *you bought a bunch of crap at the gas station*!
Reginald: What?
Kitty: Oh, admit it, Red Forman. You forgot my birthday!
Eric: Quick, Dad, give her the lighter!
Reginald: Look, Kitty, I'm sorry. But it's just... Well, marking the calendar is *your* responsibility!
[Kitty looks shocked and mortified at what he just said]
Eric: Dad! No!

[Red forgot to put the tape in the video recorder, it's still on the table]
Kitty: This tape? How do they get the movie onto the tape when it's way the heck over here, Red?

Kitty: [talking to a goldfish in a distorted voice] Um... People really depended on me, which I kind of miss, although I don't really miss the bedpans.
[laughs]

[after Red announces he's sold the Vista Cruiser]
Kitty: You sold Eric's car? Oh, no.
[breaks into hysterical laughter]

Joanne: I know what I'm talking about! As soon as my ex-husband got a boar he forgot that I existed... So I got even with him by divorcing him and taking away his boat, and I spent a vigorous weekend with the habor master!
Kitty: I, I... I don't think this is kitchen talk...

Kitty: [to Marsha Sullivan] How *dare* you dig your claws into this innocent young thing?
Fez: [in an undertone] Wow, it's like she was right there in the room with us!

Kitty: We keep our Christmas decorations down there! Baby Jesus was watching!

Kitty: Bob and Midge want to take us out to dinner tonight.
Reginald: Bob and Midge? Kitty, it's my birthday!
Kitty: I know, but they like you and they want you to have fun on your birthday, like I do.
Reginald: If they really liked me, they'd leave me alone.

Ricky: Hey, Foreman - who said you were on break?
Kitty: I did!
Ricky: And who are you?
Kitty: His MOTHER!
Ricky: Good enough!
[Strides away briskly]

Eric: [while waiting to be inoculated] Actually, Kelso, there was something I wanted to say to you- OW, that like a son of a bitch!
Kitty: [Deprecatingly] That was the ALCOHOL SWAB!
Eric: And it was COLD as HELL!

Kitty: At Christmas time we say, He needs a kick in the sleighbells!

Reginald: The birds had a "Crap on My Car" festival; I have to get this off, or the paint will oxidize - OXIDIZE!
Kitty: Why don't you just park the car in the garage?
Reginald: [Incredulously] Kitty, if I park the car in the garage, I can't see it from the kitchen table! Don't make suggestions about things you don't understand.

[Eric showing Red and Kitty Grandma Forman's dead body in the Vista Cruiser]
Reginald: Okay, here's the part where I get lost. How did she hit the sidewalk?
Eric: She fell over when I opened the door.
Reginald: *And what was going through your head when you did that?*
Kitty: Oh, sure. Yell at him, Red. It's not like he's going through enough seeing his dead grandmother.
Reginald: Eric, take your mother in the house. She's hysterical.

Kitty: There's nothing like a present wrapped in beautiful paper. It's like Cary Grant in a tuxedo. I just want to rip it off!

[Eric catches his parents having sex, and they find out]
Kitty: Red, say something.
Red: It's more fun than it looks.

Red: [seeing Eric with $3.00 in his hand] Why do you have money? What did you do, mug a Girl Scout?
[taps Hyde on the arm]
Eric: [defiantly] No, I've been selling some of my albums.
Kitty: Aw, I hope you didn't sell that "Froggy Goes a-Courtin" record!

Kitty: What's going on?
Red: Oh, nothing - we're just having a man-to-man talk..
Kitty: About what?
Red: Well, Steven's getting a little older, and he had some "questions"...
Kitty: Oh, please, he was married to a stripper - if anything, he should be giving YOU advice!

Kitty: By the way, I did NOT spill peppermint schnapps on the Bible! It was Sambucca - I'm not trailer trash!

Laurie: Good morning, orphan.
Steven: Good morning.
Laurie: That's it? That's all you've got?
Steven: [waits until Red's out of the room] Whore.
Laurie: Mom, he called me a whore!
Kitty: Um... yeah.

Eric: Why do *we* have to go to church? Dad doesn't go!
Kitty: Ah-HA! Ah-ha! Ah-ha! Ah-ha! Ah-ha! Ah-ha! The Formans are going to church!
Red: [to Eric] Good job! You had to throw *me* under the bus with you!
Laurie: [to Eric] Oh, great! Now I have to wear a bra!

Kitty: Here, honey, I brought you something back from the hospital. A lollipop!
Eric: Mom, I'm seventeen years old.
Kitty: Which is why I also brought you condoms.
[Eric and Red groan uncomfortably]
Kitty: Well, see, we had a teenage mom come in, and it's just, well, y'know, I worry about you.
Eric: That I'll get pregnant? You're not a good nurse.
Kitty: Now don't be a porky-mouth. Oh, here. Sexual health pamphlets.
[Eric and Red groan again]
Kitty: I just want you to know that intercourse is a responsibility, not just a right.
Eric: [he gets up to leave the kitchen table] OK. Well, this couldn't be more uncomfortable.
Kitty: [as Eric is leaving] Oh, oh, don't forget your condoms.
Eric: I was wrong!

Kitty: [coming downstairs wrapped in a blanket] Oh, I feel terrible! I think it could be the flu.
Eric: Now, would that be the real flu, or the Martini & Rossi asti spumante?
Kitty: Now I'm gonna miss Tom Jones this afternoon! I wanted his autograph so badly! Red...
Red: No!
Kitty: Oh, come on! If Joe DiMaggio were signing footballs, I'd get one for you!
Eric: Mom, Joe DiMaggio played baseball.
[laughs]
Eric: That would be like me saying that G.I. Joe has a karate grip.
[chuckles to himself]
Eric: Boy, what a nerd I'd be!

Red: I don't think Steven knew what he was doing - I think he was as snockered as you were on St. Patrick's Day.
Kitty: That green punch sneaks RIGHT UP on you!

Laurie: [to Donna, addressing her pre-nuptial nerves] The way you're feeling is *totally* normal! Why, half the guys I'm dating had those same feelings, and now they're all happily married!
Kitty: [to Laurie, sarcastically] You *do* make a mother proud!

Kitty: Eric, Honey, I was thinking tomorrow night we could go shopping, just the two of us.
Eric: Why?
Kitty: Well, because we need to get you some new shoes and some underwear.
Red: Kitty, we bought him shoes last year.
Eric: [increasingly uncomfortable] Yeah, and I can shop for my own underwear.
Kitty: Oh no, you can not! The last time you went, you bought them too snug, and I want grandchildren.

Eric: People all over the world heard it! People in Canada heard it!
Kitty: Oh, honey, people in Canada don't matter.

Kitty: I'm in CHARGE? This is like when President Johnson was sworn in on that plane after President Kennedy was... Well, THAT was a TRAGEDY!

Kitty: [Speaking to Donna] Eric was never good at knowing when "fine" is *not* fine. It kinda runs in the family.
[Red looks at Kitty]

Kitty: Oh, red!
Red: Oh, kitty!

Kitty: I suggested a photograph, not a go-go dancer from outer space!

Reginald: [to Hyde, after yelling at him for taking the blame for Jackie's dope] If you ever do anything like that again, I'll kick your ass until your nose starts to bleed.
Kitty: [to Hyde] And we love you.

[Kelso walks into the living room with a big bottle rocket]
Michael: Mr. Forman, can I light this off in your house?
Red: Sure, and then I'll light my foot off in your ass.
Steven: And that, my friends, is the last foot-in-ass of the decade! Cheers!
Kitty: Michael, I just... It's so good to see you. The girls in the Emergency Room were just asking about you.
Michael: You know, it's like I've been gone for so long, I almost forgot you're a hot Mom!
Kitty: Oh! Hahahahaha!
Red: You know what else is hot? My foot when it's in your ass.
Steven: Look at that. He got one more in him.

Kitty: I need someone who can take evil
[Laurie walks in]
Kitty: How's mama's girl? I have a job for you.
Laurie: Not interested.
Kitty: It pays 10 dollars.
Laurie: I'll do anything for ten dollars.
Kitty: For once that's a good thing.

[Red has just finished telling the boy his version of the Vietnam War]
Reginald: ...and that's what really happened in Vietnam.
Young: [confused] I don't understand.
Reginald: [glumly] Neither do I, kid. Neither do I.
Kitty: Okay, little boy, time to say goodbye to Santa.
[Kitty leads the boy away. The boy turns to her]
Young: What's an "ambush"?
Kitty: [smiles] It's a pretty bush with yellow flowers.
[Red gets up and approaches Kitty]
Reginald: Kitty, I gotta tell ya. I'm good with kids. I really taught him something. Y'know, I think I'm beginning to feel the Christmas spirit.
Kitty: Well, I'm glad Red, but let's try telling a Christmas story where nobody gets caught in a firefight.
[Red turns back and sees Bob sitting in his chair, also dressed like Santa Claus. Bob waves to him]
Reginald: Bob, what the hell are you doing?
Bob: You're depressing the kids. I'm Santa now.
Reginald: Get out of my chair, Bob, or you're gonna get a candy cane up your chimney!
Bob: I'm not moving.
Reginald: [takes off his Santa hat] Kitty, hold my silly red hat.

Kitty: He's very sensitive about his legs, which he shouldn't be - they're like a lady dancer's!... Oh, maybe that's why he's so sensitive...

Kitty: Bob has to choose one woman, and you have to tell him!
Reginald: Well, the choice is obvious - it's Pam.
Kitty: Red, it's not your choice to make, it's Bob's, and he has to choose Midge!
Reginald: But Pam is so tan!

Kitty: What if it's a burglar?
Reginald: What would a burglar want to steal from us?

Kitty: Oh, I'm sorry I'm so grumpy - it's just that I got a manicure yesterday and Red still hasn't said anything.
Steven: Hey, you really want him to notice you? You should get drunk and do donuts on his lawn!

Kitty: [to Red] Great, now Alice wants to know why Eric didn't show up!
Reginald: Well, don't look at me! No son of *mine* wouldn't show up to his own wedding!
Kitty: [on the phone to Alice] Eric didn't show up...
[searching for a reason]
Kitty: because he's gay.
[exasperated]
Kitty: Yes, everyone knew except him!

[the guys are sitting in The Circle and talking about Kelso and Jackie breaking up]
Michael: Fellas, I've been thinkin'. There's a lot of ladies out there, right? And I haven't seen nearly enough of 'em naked. It's like the world is my oyster, and I'm ready to shuck it. Nothin' but hot, new ladies from here on in. I'm gonna be boldly going where no man's gone before.
[the next scene shows the Formans' front door. The doorbell rings and Kitty answers the door. Kelso is standing there, holding flowers]
Michael: Hello, Mrs Forman. I'm here to pick up Laurie.
Kitty: [laughs] No, no, no. You mean Eric.
Michael: No, uh, Laurie. Your other kid.
Kitty: Like, why?
Steven: [Hyde walks by and stops when he sees Kelso] You're datin' Laurie? That's not different, man. You're boldly going where *every* man's gone before!
Kitty: [turns around] Steven, it's not nice to be so... truthful.
[Laurie comes down the stairs]
Laurie: Hi, Kelso!
[notices the flowers]
Laurie: Did you buy me those?
Michael: Yeah, just like you told me.
Laurie: No, I told you *roses*! Come on, doofus!
[she walks out the door with Kelso]
Steven: No offense, Mrs. Forman, but those two could make the dumbest babies ever.
Kitty: [starts to laugh then abruptly stops and turns toward Hyde] That's not funny.

Kitty: [Referring to Donna's ruined wedding dress] One day you'll look back on this and think it's funny... You'll be single, because Donna will never marry you, but you'll think it's funny.

Kitty: Trade you a kiss for a lollipop.
Steven: I don't need that kid stuff.
[walks to door with everyone, waits until they leave, then turns around and runs back to Kitty, giving her a kiss and taking the lollipop]

Kitty: Why would Eric do that? Is our sex life so boring that he has to sneak around and watch X-Rated flicks?
Jackie: [hugging her] Oh, Donna. Of course it is!

Kitty: And poor Fez had ice in his pants.

Reginald: [Hyde arrives unexpectedly at the Forman breakfast table] Steven, it's seven-damn-thirty in the morning. What the hell are you doing here?
Kitty: Red, be nice.
Kitty: [after a considerable pause] Steven, we're waiting.
Steven: Oh. I've been living in the basement.
Eric: Y'know, I did notice a dusting of curly hair on the floor, but I just wrote it off to my changing teenage body.

Kitty: [Kitty has just given raisins to trick-or-treaters] Raisins are nature's candy.
Reginald: [the Forman house is pelted with eggs] And eggs are nature's hand grenades.

Red: We can watch it
[episode of Roots]
Red: right after we record it
Kitty: If we can't stay up to watch Carson, we would we stay up to watch this?
Red: Because it's convenie- Oh, you don't understand technology!
[Storms from the room]
Kitty: [to herself] No, but I sure know how to tell time!

Pamela: I'm just hoping that Jackie and I can figure out a way to get along.
Kitty: Well, you got your low-cut, getting-along sweater on, so... ha, ha, ha... I bet that'll help!

Kitty: [At the kitchen table with Red and Bob] This pineapple reminds me of Donna... it's a little tart!

Kitty: [to Laurie] If you were REALLY an adult, you'd pick somebody with a future! Not Michael, who - God bless him! - will probably end up ripping tickets at the Tilt-a-Whirl... .

Kitty: [to Hyde and Jackie after she catches them making out] You kids switch partners more than square dancers!

Eric: [finding Kitty passed out on the basement sofa, shakes her] Mom?
Kitty: [leaps up] FABRIC SOFTENER! I'm awake!

Kitty: [to Eric] A car is not a bedroom on wheels.

Kitty: [Steven leaves after getting stunning information about his father] I don't like the way he just walked out after we told him the news. Why would he do that?
Reginald: Because he's a man, Kitty, and he knows you want him to cry. But he won't, because crying is for babies and Italians.

Leo: [Kitty is embarrassed to be alone in church, when Leo walks up to the empty pew beside her] Excuse me, ma'am. Is this seat taken, man?
Kitty: [clearly annoyed] Do you see anyone?
Leo: [Leo sits down next to Kitty] I love it here, man. The guy up there tells stories, that guy wails on the organ, you can sing as loud as you want. It's almost a religious experience. I kind of think this is what heaven's gonna be like, you know? Plus, they'll have an open bar.

Kitty: Here ya go, Red. Belgian Waffles.
Eric: What's Belgian about 'em?
Reginald: They crumble at the hands of the Nazis.

Kitty: [showing her high school yearbook to Red] Look, there I am. Captain of the Cheerleading Squad... Most Likely to Succeed... Best Laugh...

Bob: Howdy, neighbors!
Kitty: We were just coming over to introduce ourselves to you!
Bob: Looks like we beat you to the punchity-punch!
[Punches Red in the shoulder]
Red: [Dismayed] Oh, damn!

Kitty: [Storming outside] WHAT is all that NOISE?
Reginald: Oh, Bob's cutting down a tree in his front yard.
Kitty: By HIMSELF? Doesn't he know that's incredibly DANGEROUS?
Reginald: Well, you know what they say about Bob: he's STUPID!

Laurie: Cosmetology is too hard. I'm quitting.
Kitty: Laurie, don't you think I wanted to quit nursing school a hundred times? The first time I put in a catheter, it broke off.

Midge: So, Kitty, looking forward to Thanksgiving?
Kitty: Yes. Red's mother is coming.
Midge: What's that pet name she has for you?
Kitty: Whore.

Bob: The Packers have to win by more than 7 points - I've got a hunsky riding on it.
Kitty: We call them "Hungarians" now, Bob.

[Bob and Midge storm into the hotel room where they thought Donna and Eric would be, but find Kitty and Red]
Midge: Oh, Kitty! What a pretty nightgown!
Kitty: Thank you, Midge.
[pauses]
Kitty: Could you hand it to me, please?

Eric: [to his glamorous aunt] So, did you meet Dick Trickle?
Kitty: [shocked] Eric!

Kitty: [to her friend, Marsha] Uh huh, tea is nice... You SAID you were gonna bring wine!
Red: She also said, "'Til death do us part," and look at how that worked out!
Kitty: Red, don't you have something to do in the garage?
Red: [Startled] I can go to the garage?
[Rushes out]

Kitty: Oh, look how sweet this baby is. Just hold it.
Reginald: Look, Kitty, I didn't touch our kids when they were babies and I'm not touching this one.

Kitty: Red, he's so skinny. Just take away his car.
Reginald: No! I'm trying to teach the boy responsibility. I want a plan out of you by tonight, or no dinner, either.
Eric: Dad, that's not... Wait. Mom, what's for dinner?
Kitty: Fried chicken.
Eric: Oh, come on!
Reginald: [as Hyde enters the kitchen and sits at the table] Steven. When are you moving out?
Steven: Soon.
Reginald: How's your girlfriend?
Steven: Shallow as hell.
Reginald: Job?
Steven: Dead-end.
Reginald: Future?
Steven: Bleak.
Reginald: Kitty, feed the boy!

Eric: [Sits down at table and serves himself breakfast, whistling nonchalantly; becomes aware that his parents are staring at him] What?
Reginald: You know, I've started to notice something about you: YOU'RE STILL HERE!
Kitty: Honey, what your father means is that you haven't seemed like yourself since you cancelled the wedding.
Reginald: No I don't - I mean, GET OUT!

Reginald: Why's the dog on the counter?
Kitty: He likes to be tall.

Kitty: What a wonderful weekend! We should go away more often.
Reginald: [to Hyde and Fez] They gotta make a pill for this.

Laurie: So, look at us. This is just like a Norman Rockwell painting. Mom is serving breakfast, Daddy is reading the newspaper and brother Eric is trying to hide a big, purple, nasty hickey.
Eric: [nervously covering his neck] What hickey? I don't have a hickey!
Laurie: Y'know, Eric, hickeys lead to dirty things.
Reginald: For God's sake, don't let Donna suck your neck. She's a nice girl.
Eric: I don't have a hickey. I was using a curling iron.
Kitty: [investigating Eric's neck, then rubbing it with her finger] Oh, well, will you just look at that.
Eric: [mortified] No, Mom!
Kitty: Red, remember that time...
Reginald: No. And neither do you.

Kitty: Why don't you just put the car in the garage?
Reginald: Because if it's in the garage, I can't see it from the dinner table. Kitty, don't give advice on things you know nothing about.
Kitty: Ok, *I'm* the crazy one.

Kitty: We are very disappointed in you, Eric. Even though going to California to rescue Donna is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard of.
Bob: That's true. If he had gone by horse, they would have made it a movie.

Steven: Seriously, Jackie, don't you have something to say?
Jackie: Like what?
Steven: I don't know... "I'm a spoiled, crazy, whack job and I'm sorry?"
Fez: That's no way to talk to a lady.
Michael: Especially a spoiled, crazy, whack job that's likely to get you killed!
Reginald: [entering] Oh, my God! There's a hundred morons in my basement! Not even *that's* going to ruin my day.
Eric: Yes! Only one, and *one* man only, has the power to do that! 'Tis I!
Reginald: No, not even *you* can do that. And who the hell talks like that?
Kitty: Red, honey, you were happy, remember?
Reginald: Today's the first day of winter and I'm going fishing.
Kitty: I'll come too. I'll grab my fishing stick.
Reginald: I don't want to go.
Kitty: Why not?
Reginald: Because I don't want you to go.
Michael: [using a golf club to mimic a pump shotgun] Burn!

Kitty: [Berating Red for his drunken purchase] That's what you get for going out drinking! Maybe you'll learn to stay home and drink - LIKE ME!

Kitty: OK, that's it!
[Snatches Kelso's game and throws it out the window]
Kitty: What's the matter with you, were you dropped on your head?
Michael: [Indignantly] Yes, I WAS! But, up until now, everyone's had the good grace not to mention it!

[after redoing the basement]
Leo: Okay, we're all done.
Kitty: But, you've only been here a day.
Leo: You know what they say: "Rome was built in a day".
Reginald: No... "Rome *wasn't* built in a day".
Leo: Oh. Your *basement* was built in a day.

Kitty: You have been such a big help, working yourself nearly to death. I made you your special sandwich.
Eric: Awww. The 'Eric McSweety'.
Steven: It's a regular sandwich, hold the masculinity.

Eric: Oh, hey, here comes a dumb question. Uh, I wasn't a mistake, was I?
Kitty: Oh, for... for... Okay! Who wants some cocoa?

Red: That's it! Eric, you're spending time with your mother!
Eric: What did I do?
Kitty: Red, don't make it sound like a punishment!
Red: Well, it is!