The Best Dave Quotes

Kim: Where's the toilet?
Dave: Huh? Oh, it's... it's just there.
Kim: Do you have another one further away?

Dave: [to his girlfriend] You'd better watch this one, honey. He'll get you pregnant just by looking at you with his dick!

Sharon: [Dave holds Daphne in a baby carrier] So, do you have Daphne stuck to you all the time?
Dave: Sure.
Sharon: How do you shower?
Dave: Oh, I have a waterproof one.
Catherine: [Sharon laughs] Dave's a very involved parent. There's really not much for me to do outside of flopping out the odd tit.

Dave: [Referring to Sharon, who is not present] She's making you propose twice?
Rob: No, she's not making me. I want to.
Dave: No, you don't. Listen, after you leave, I'm going to fuck her
[referring to Svetlana, who has just left the room]
Dave: and then she is going to leave... And that's pretty great.
Rob: That is great... for you. For me, a different thing is great.

Dave: [to Rob, on the phone] Your situation sounds fucking awful, I'd love to hear more about it.

Dave: Oh, speaking of Syria... Catherine wants a baby.