The Best Chris Quotes

Chris: Fran's seeing someone. I'm... 95% sure.
Rob: Why are you so sure?
Chris: She told me... But I figured there's a 5% chance she's lying just to piss me off.

Chris: [about his wife's pregnancy time] Fran would get horny and hungry at the same time. One night she made me fuck her in her parents' kitchen, and I'm not shitting you here, she finished off a plate of stew while I was inside her.

Lenore: Do you have any kids?
Chris: One boy.
Lenore: I've got a boy and a little girl.
Chris: Two kids came out of there? Wow.
Lenore: Outdoors is all right... but my fanny looks like it stepped on a land mine.

Chris: You see a little troll tobogganing out of your wife's snatch on a wave of turds and part of you will hold her responsible.

Rob: How do you guys not get pregnant?
Chris: Same way I don't get the postman pregnant... Fran and I haven't fucked in just over two years.
Fergal: Why, man, can you not... ?
Chris: Yeah, but it doesn't get quite big or hard enough to bridge the fucking gulf that's opened up between us... It would take at least ten very hard, very long penises.

Fergal: Where is Fran today?
Chris: We're not currently attending any public engagements together... Barometrically, we combine to create an atmosphere that is somewhat shitty... We flipped a coin for this one... I lost... No offence.