Top 600 Quotes From Jennifer Aniston
Rachel: So, like you guys all have jobs?
Monica: Yeah we all have jobs, that's how we buy stuff.
Policeman #1: Your license?
Rachel: Yes; here you go, Officer... Handsome.
Policeman #1: It's Hansen.
Rachel: [to Monica] All right! Believe me, if you win the Lottery, it's the last you're gonna hear from us!
Dr. Ross Geller: [in agreement] Hmm-mm.
Monica: [offended] Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new friends! Yeah! And then I'll pay for their plastic surgery so they'll look *just like you*!
[Joey and Rachel gasp]
Rachel: [picks up the bowl containing the tickets] All right! You know what? That's it! I want my share of the tickets!
Joey: [takes the bowl from Rachel] Yeah! I want my tickets too! And I'm buying the Knicks and Steffi Graf! Ha! Ha!
Dr. Ross Geller: [grabs the bowl from Joey] Then I want mine too and if I win, I'm gonna put it *all* in a very low yield bond!
Phoebe: [gets up] You guys, we gotta keep all the tickets *together*!
[Phoebe takes the tickets from Chandler, then takes the bowl from Ross and puts the tickets in]
Monica: [takes the bowl from Phoebe] No! No! We should divide them up and I should get extra because we used *my* car to buy them!
Joey: [angrily walks over to Monica and takes the bowl from her] Hey! Hey! If anybody gets extra tickets, it should be me! This whole thing was my idea!
Chandler: [sarcastically] Oh yeah! Thanks for *inventing* the Lottery!
Monica: [the sun has just come out] You go down to the pool and reserve the chairs
Rachel: Ok
Monica: and I'll get the magazines and the lotion.
Chandler: Uh ladies, Ross's speech is in 45 minutes.
Rachel: Noooooo!
Monica: Dammit!
Ross: [from the next room] Walls are pretty thin, guys.
Rachel: Oh!
- This is the least jealous I've ever been!
- Oh, no, wait! This is wrong!
- Ross isn't here!
- Joey: Oh. Monica: Oh.
- He's done it three times.
- He knows what it's about!
- Group yeah.
Rachel: You're gonna leave your shoes out here?
- Really? Just casually strewn about...
- In that reckless, haphazard manner?
- It doesn't matter.
- I'll get them tomorrow. Or not!
- Whenever.
- She is a kook.
Beth: I just need you to stop being nice to me unless you're gonna marry me.
Bruce: [trying to use his powers on Grace] Love me. Love me.
Grace: [unaffected because of her free will] I did.
Rachel: Joey.
Joey: Is he gone?
Rachel: How are you doing this?
Dr. Ross Geller: But is it technically a date if the other person doesn't show up?
Rachel: Oh, oh no. Do you think she walked in, saw you and left?
Dr. Ross Geller: Why does everyone keep saying that?
- I'm kissing Rachel!
- Ha, ha.
- I know. I'm her. Ha, ha.
- Oh!
- Rachel and Joey! It's Rachel and Joey!
- What?
- Get over here!
Rachel: Oh.
- Whoa!
- Oh, my god! I love how thin these walls are!
Dr. Ross Geller: I may get to speak at this Paleontology conversion, and if I do, I'd love for you guys to come and hear me.
Chandler: I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work stuff, and/or are sick.
Dr. Ross Geller: It's in Barbados.
Chandler: But you come first!
Rachel: I'm there.
[in the beach house, Ross is relaxing, Joey and Chandler are building sandcastles and Rachel and Monica are painting each others' nails]
Joey: Hey! You know what a really good rainy day game is?
Monica: What?
Joey: I mean naked game?
[Monica looks away from Joey but no one says anything]
Joey: [eager] Strip Poker! We should totally play Strip Poker!
Dr. Ross Geller: No!
Rachel: [at the same time as Ross] No way!
Monica: [at the same time as Rachel] What are you crazy?
Joey: [insisting] Come on! When you go away, you *have* to play. It's like, the law!
Dr. Ross Geller: Everything OK?
Ben: [from the bathroom] Don't talk to me now.
Rachel: Aw. Just like his daddy.
Ross: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, "No divorces in '99. Whoo."
Rachel: But your divorce isn't even final yet.
Ross: Just the one divorce in '99. WHOO. This year I'm going to be happy, I'm gonna make myself happy.
Chandler: So, do you want us to leave the room?
Joey: Hey Rach you want some sandwich?
Rachel: Oh! What is in that?
Joey: Olive loaf and ham spread, no mayo.
Rachel: No, no with mayo that would make it gross.
Dr. Ross Geller: [after Joel's one Ross also starts giving a toast at Barry and Mindy's wedding party] Uh, I'd like to add something to that.
Rachel: [Rachel rises from her seat scared] Why are you adding?
Dr. Ross Geller: [Ross reassuringly:] It's okay, it's okay.
[Rachel resettles herself still apprehensively and Ross goes on with his speech]
Dr. Ross Geller: Most of you don't know me. Uh, I'm Rachel's boyfriend...
Rachel: [while she covers her face:] Oh, dear god.
Dr. Ross Geller: ...Ross. Uh, and, uh, I'd just like to say that it *did* take a lot of courage for Rachel to come here tonight and, uh, just for the record she did not run out on Barry because she had syphilis.
[At this moment, the drummer of the wedding band plays some tacts upon the drums and cymbals]
Dr. Ross Geller: What are you doing? I'm serious. Uh, the reason she walked out on-on Barry is simply that... she didn't love him, which, incidentally, worked out pretty well for me.
[Ross laughs and does a movement toward the drummer, indicating that it was a funny sentence so now he can play some beats, but the drummer does not do it]
Dr. Ross Geller: Cheers.
[Ross has just convinced Rachel to make a list about his negative traits]
Rachel: Okay. You're whiny. You are... you're obsessive. You are insecure. You're gutless. You don't just seize the day. You liked me for, what, a year and you didn't do anything about it. And, uh... oh, you wear too much of that gel in your hair.
Dr. Ross Geller: See? There... you, uh... alright. You did what I said.
Rachel: Yeah, and you know what? You're right. I do feel better. Thank you, Ross.
[Rachel leaves. Ross feels up his hair]
Rachel: When he smiled at me, those first three seconds were more exciting than three weeks in Bermuda with Barry.
Phoebe: Now, did you ride mopeds?... 'cause I heard... oh, I see, it's not about that right now.
Monica: You've got to get over this. Okay? You won't end up alone.
Chandler: Of course I am. I reject anyone who's crazy enough to actually go out with me, and then I bitch that there aren't any great women out there.
Rachel: Chandler, you have just described virtually every man that we've ever gone out with.
Monica: You are not a freak. You're a guy.
Rachel: She's right. She's right. You're no different than the rest.
Monica: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Yes, he is. You are totally different.
Chandler: In a bad way?
Monica: No, honey, in a wonderful way. You know what you want now. Most guys don't even have a clue. You're ready to take risks, be vulnerable and intimate with someone.
Rachel: You're not gonna end up alone.
Phoebe: You called Janice. That's how much you wanted to be with someone!
Monica: You've made it!
Phoebe: You're there!
Rachel: You are ready to make a commitment!
Chandler: Whoa! Don't know about that.
Dr. Leonard Green: [after learning from Phoebe that Rachel is pregnant] Are you really pregnant?
Rachel: Well, yes and no; except not no. Well, to sum it up: Yeah.
Dr. Leonard Green: Who's the father?
Dr. Leonard Green: [points to Phoebe] Please, tell me it's not her!
Rachel: No, no, Daddy; it's Ross - Ross Geller. You like Ross! C'mon, Daddy - you're going to be a grandfather. You're going to be a 'Poppy'!
Dr. Leonard Green: [sniffling] You're right. I'm going to be a 'Poppy'. OK, when's the wedding?
Rachel: [intentionally avoiding the question] The who?
Rachel: [gradually becoming enraged] The wedding! There's going to be a wedding. Young lady, don't you sit there and tell me my first grandchild is going to be a bastard! Rachel Karen Green, tell me there's going to be a wedding!
Rachel: [nervously, lying] Uh, February 2!
Rachel: [seeing the lights dimmed and Ross, Chandler and Joey in costumes] Wow. It looks like the Easter Bunny's funeral in here.
Rachel: OK, take a quarter, blacken the edge, and then say to someone, "I bet you can't roll this quarter without it leaving your face" and when they're done, they have a big pencil line right down the center of their face.
Ben: Can I do it to you?
Rachel: I'm funny, Ben. But I'm not stupid.
Rachel: Pete the Weeper? Remember? The guy who always used to cry when we had sex?
[mock crying]
Rachel: "Was it good for you?"
Monica: Yeah, well, I'll take a little crying any day over Howard the "I Win" guy.
[imitating Howard]
Monica: "I win! I win!"
[normal voice]
Monica: I went out with the guy for two months; I didn't get to win once.
Rachel: It's a RELAXI-TAXI.
Phoebe: Ugh. The name was my favorite part.
Rachel: Well, I came up with it.
Phoebe: You did not. You came up with relaxi-CAB. That name sucks.
Rachel: It's not "relaxi-CA-AB" its "reLAXI-cab" like "taxi cab".
Phoebe: Oh, that *is* good
Monica: Hey guys this stuff is just so way in the past. You've been through so much since then. And right now you've got so much more important stuff going on in your life. Can't you just let this go?
Rachel: She's right.
Ross: Yeah. I mean we are having a baby together.
Will: Hold on! You got her pregnant?
Ross: Yeah.
Will: Are ya getting married?
Ross: Nope.
Will: So you knocked her up but you're not gonna marry her. Dude!
[Wants to high-five but Ross ignores him]
Will: Anybody?
- And said she'd only give them back for the dress!
- Does that mean carcass is available?
- What am I gonna do? That's the dress!
- That is "the" dress!
- Chandler wants the band.
- What do I do?
- Figure out a way to talk him out of it.
- How?
Rachel: You're out of toilet paper!
Monica: That You Get. THAT YOU GET
Rachel: No
Phoebe: No
Ross: No
Joey: No
Chandler: No
Rachel: [to the nurse] Excuse me, I'm here to see my father. My name is Rachel Green.
Dr. Ross Geller: And I'm Dr. Ross Geller.
[Rachel turns to face Ross]
Rachel: Ross, please. This is a hospital, OK? That actually mean something here.
[In a Scottish Accent, on the phone]
Rachel: Oh Hello Dr Geller. This is Professor McNulty from the fake accent University. We'd like you to come on board with us full time.
Rachel: [Tapping a lady sitting in front of her on the shoulder, after Ross accidentally said her name] He said "Rachel", should I go up there?
- So, pheebs, what are you gonna do with your $3?
- Well, it's not all mine.
- We all get 50 cents.
- Aw. You know what?
- You can have mine.
- Me too.
- Me too.
Rachel: Me too. Ha, ha.
- Well, I guess if everybody else is.
[while practicing asking Joshua out]
Rachel: Would you like to go to a basketball game with... You know it's funny, basketball, because I happen to have... Who like the Kni...
[Joshua enters the room]
Katherine: [about Ian] Devlin, I gotta tell you, last night, with the ass grab of the coconut, a little bit of the red flag.
Devlin: I've seen him do that with the soap.
Monica: [trying to make up with Rachel] I don't know what else to say.
Rachel: [annoyed] Oh, well that works out good 'cause I'm not listening.
Monica: [insisting] I feel terrible! I really do!
Rachel: [sarcastically] Oh, I'm sorry. Did my back hurt your knife?
[Rachel goes into the Central Perk shop and Monica follows]
Monica: [trying to make up] Rachel... say that I'm friends with her. We spent some time together. Is that *so* terrible?
Rachel: [annoyed] Yes.
Monica: It's *that* terrible?
Rachel: [very annoyed] Yes Monica! You don't get it! It's bad enough that she stole the guy who might actually be the person that I am supposed to be with! But now... she's actually...
[high pitched]
Rachel: But now she's actually stealing you!
[Rachel cries and Phoebe watches, touched]
Monica: [touched and assuring] Me? What are you talking about? Nobody could steal me from you! I mean, just because I'm friends with her doesn't make me any less friends with you.
[Monica starts crying]
Monica: I mean... you're my...
[Rachel cries even more, causing Monica to do the same]
Monica: [emotionally high pitched] Oh I love you!
Rachel: [emotionally high pitched] I love you too!
[they hug]
Phoebe: [comes over] You guys, um, I know that this really doesn't have anything to do with me, but um... I love you guys too!
[they all hug]
Monica: Hey, here's a picture of Scotty Jarrett naked.
Rachel: Oh, let us see!
[she and Phoebe look at the photo]
Rachel: Hey, he's wearing a sweater.
Monica: No.
Rachel: EEWW!
Chandler: [Chandler is waiting for his cyberchick to arrive] Where is she, where is she?
[grabs Rachel]
Chandler: Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she?
Rachel: Chandler, relax, Chandler, she'll be here.
[Chandler then sits down]
Chandler: [gets up after noticing a beautiful blonde walking in] Oh, oh, oh, that's her.
Dr. Ross Geller: [after seeing her] Yeah, 'cause life's just that kind.
Phoebe: Chandler, you gotta stop staring at the door. It's like a watched pot, you know if you keep looking at it then the door is never gonna boil. I think what you have to do is try not to...
Chandler: [Chandler gets up] Oh my God!
Janice: [pause] OH... MY... GAWD!
[Chandler rushes over and kisses her]
Rachel: OH... MY... GOD!
Rachel: [gets up] Phoebe come on. Can we finish this later? I wanna go running before it get's dark. Oh! Why don't you come with me?
Phoebe: [perks up] Really?
Rachel: Yeah! Oh it'll be fun! We'll run in the park! It'll be like our... our first year roommate *bonding* thing!
Phoebe: [excited] OK! Let's go running!
Rachel: Yeah! And there's *really* cute guys there.
Phoebe: [more excited] Let's run towards them!
Rachel: OK!
Phoebe: [sits down] All right. Wait just one more second...
[Phoebe presses the RECORD button on the voicemail]
Phoebe: [speaks into the device] Hi, it's Phoebe and Rachel's. Please leave a message. Thanks!
[Phoebe presses the STOP button and gets up]
Rachel: [shocked] Now wait a minute! You just took ALL the words!
Phoebe: [proudly] Uh-huh. You've met your match Rachel Green!
Chandler: Oh.
- I think I know that girl.
- We're not gonna keep it this way, though.
- No?
- We're gonna paint over the sword and replace it with a baguette.
Rachel: Oh.
- Urn, also, we don't know what to do with this.
- Oh, yeah, I definitely know her.
Monica: Richard made plans again with the guys.
Rachel: Yeah well, Ross just made plans for the whole century.
Monica: You know what, I think I'm gonna go to my room and read Cosmo, maybe there's something helpful in there. Know what, at least maybe I can learn how to do an at-home bikini wax with leftover Christmas candles.
Chandler: The other cheesecake came. They delivered it to the wrong address again.
Rachel: So just bring it back downstairs. What's the problem?
Chandler: I can't seem to say goodbye.
Katherine: [Opening up a package of oddly constructed breast implants in the clinic] What are these?
Delivery: "Boobie bags." The women, they stick them in the flat chesties, and... make them big.
Katherine: [Holding up one of the bags] These are not the "boobie bags" that I ordered. What is that? It's like a... like a syrup dispenser at an IHOP. I don't know what that is.
Rachel: I'm trying to put Emma down for a nap. Have you seen Hugsy?
Joey: Uh, original or crappy?
Rachel: Original.
Joey: No, sorry, haven't seen him.
Rachel: Then what's that big lump under your covers?
Joey: It's Monica, Ok?
Rachel: That's not Monica.
Joey: Alright, fine. It's original Hugsy.
Rachel: We're never going to find a nanny.
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, come on, Rach - we will; I promise. We have more interviews, and if worse comes to worse, we can always reconsider the first one we met with.
Rachel: The blonde with no bra?
Dr. Ross Geller: She was blonde?
Dr. Ross Geller: Uh, Sweetie, we've got to go.
Rachel: NO!
Dr. Ross Geller: No?
Rachel: No, why do we always have to do everything according to your timetable.
Dr. Ross Geller: Actually, it's the movie theater that has the timetable.
- Joey, you are not. You're 31.
- Oh, crap!
- So, the Plaza. We'll get some mai tais?
- Maybe no more for you though.
- You know, I think I don't feel like going to the Plaza.
- Group: Why?
Rachel: This is ridiculous.
- I don't want to talk about it.
- I don't. Especially with you.
[after Monica and Rachel are done packing]
Monica: OK, here's the last of your boxes. I'm just going to label it "What were you thinking?"
Rachel: Funny, I was going to go across the hall and write that on Chandler.
[first lines]
Chandler: Hmm. Oh, I don't know.
Rachel: What?
Chandler: Well, as old as he is in dog years, do you think Snoopy should still be allowed to fly this thing?
Monica: Rach, it's the Visa card people.
Rachel: Oh, God, ask them what they want.
Monica: [on the phone] Could you please tell me what this is in reference to? Yes, hold on.
[to Rachel]
Monica: Um, they say there's been some unusual activity on your account.
Rachel: But I haven't used my card in weeks.
Monica: That is the unusual activity.
- I bet you she'll have it tomorrow.
- You're on.
- Okay, how much?
- One hundred thousand dollars.
- How about 50 bucks?
- I'll call Zurich and move some money.
Rachel: All right, whose turn is it to help me get up?
- Ahem, no one's here.
- Oh, damn it.
Ross: [Playing Pictionary, Rachel draws a bean] bean... bean
Joey: The Unbearable Lightness of Being!
Rachel: Yes!
Rachel: [Monica pointed out that Rachel has dental floss in her hair, and she whispers:] We ended up having sex in his chair.
Monica: [yells] You had sex in his chair?
[the others hear]
Monica: I said that a little bit too loudly, didn't I?
Dr. Ross Geller: You- You did what?
Phoebe: Sex in his chair.
Phoebe: [singing in the children's program at the library] Someday when you get older you'll want to sleep with people just to make them like you, but don't!/ 'Cos that's another thing that you don't want to do. Everybody! That's another thing that you don't want to do.
Monica: Excellent!
Chandler: Very informative!
Rachel: Not at all inappropriate!
[debating whether to see Ross and Rachel's videotape]
Ross: You want to see it?
Rachel: Clearly, you don't want people to see it. Now I don't want people to see it either, but you so badly don't want people to see it makes me want to see it, you see?
Joey: Are we watching the tape or not?
Rachel: Well, what kind of a regatta gala starts at night?
Monica: The fake kind.
[about the book Jane Eyre]
Rachel: I think the book was written way ahead of its time.
Teacher: If you're talking about feminism, I think you're right.
Rachel: Feminism, yes. But also the robots.
Ross: I'm sorry your husband cheated on you.
Rachel: I'm sorry your wife is gay.
Grace: So God is picking on you?
Bruce: No, he's ignoring me completely!
[Rachel enters the apartment]
Phoebe: Look! Look! Look!
Ross: Birthday surprise!
Everyone: [in unison] Surprise!
Rachel: [shocked] What? My Birthday is not for another month!
Monica: [optimistic] That's the surprise!
Rachel: [flattered] Oh my gosh! You guys! This is so great! It's so unexpected! I mean *Chandler's* Birthday's even before mine!
[everyone stares at Chandler, who suddenly looks blank]
Everyone: [to Chandler] Surprise!
Danny: Hi.
Rachel: Hi.
Danny: So you like the short hair better.
Rachel: Yeti - eh, Danny?
[first lines]
Phoebe: Hi!
Chandler: Hey! Hey! Welcome back!
Rachel: How was the honeymoon?
Phoebe: Oh, incredible! Oh, champagne, candle-lit dinners, moonlight walks on the beach. It was so romantic.
Chandler: So where's Mike?
Phoebe: Oh, he's at the doctor. He didn't poop while we were there.
[Ross and Rachel are both drunk]
Joey: Hey.
Ross: Hey! It's Joey, I love Joey!
[Hugs Joey]
Rachel: Oh, I love Joey! Joey lives with a duck.
Joey: Hi.
[Hugs Rachel]
Joey: Alright look, I need some help, okay?Someone has to convince my hand twin to cooperate!
Ross: I'll do it. Whatever you need me to do, I'm your man.
Ross: [Sits down on nothing and falls to the ground]
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you okay?
Joey: Yeah. Fine. Thanks. Hey Rach, how do you doin'?
Rachel: I'm doin' good baby. How you doin'?
Joey: Ross, don't let her drink anymore!
Dr. Long: [Rachel is still not fully dilated] 21 hours - you're a hero.
Rachel: Doctor, you've gotta do something! I... ya... you've gotta give me drugs... or you gotta light a fire up in there, and just smoke it out!
Rachel: If it's a girl, Rain.
Dr. Ross Geller: Veto.
Rachel: Why?
Dr. Ross Geller: Rain? Hi, hi, my name is Rain. I have my own kiln and my dress is made of wheat.
Phoebe: I know her!
Rachel: Hey Joey, what would you do if someone that you slept with told you that she was pregnant?
Joey: [warily] Who called here? Did she sound blond? Huh? Did-did-did she have an accent? I gotta make a call!
[Starts to leave]
Joey: I shoulda never walked into that Sunglass Hut!
Monica: What did the doctor say? Any news on when the baby will come?
Rachel: No. But she did give us some ideas on how to induce labor.
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, we tried them all. We went for a walk, uh we tried a special tea, caster oil, spicy food nothing has worked.
Rachel: Well, there is one thing that we haven't tried,
[mimicking Ross]
Rachel: But someone thinks that, "That will open up a can of worms."
Monica: Well what is it? What is it? If it's gonna help bring the baby here, like today. I mean, I think you should do it.
Dr. Ross Geller: It's sex.
Monica: Do it!
Dr. Ross Geller: Monica!
Monica: [to Rachel] I'm just saying it's been a really long time for you. I mean, women have needs. Do it, get yours!
Phoebe: Oh I-I don't know about that. No, I think that if the two of you had sex the-the-the repercussions would be catastrophic.
Monica: All right, let's be practical, if Ross isn't willing to do it, he's not the only guy in the world you can have sex with. You can borrow Chandler-Chandler is good!
Dr. Ross Geller: Monica, what is the matter with you?
Monica: Nothing. I just want the baby to be born today.
Rachel: [suddenly suspicious] Why? Why today?
Monica: Okay fine! I keep betting Phoebe that you're gonna have the baby and I don't want to lose again!
Dr. Ross Geller: What? While she's been going through this hell, you've been making money? You're betting on your friend staying in this misery?
[Phoebe lowers her head in shame and nods yes]
Rachel: I'll take that bet.
Dr. Ross Geller: What?
Rachel: Well, I'm miserable here! I might as well make some money out it!
Dr. Ross Geller: [reconsiders] Can I get some of that action?
Monica: Wait a minute! Now I'm betting against all three of you?
Rachel: Oh honey, don't worry. I really do feel like tomorrow's the day.
Monica: Oh, okay!
[Rachel turns her head to Ross and Phoebe and mouths the words, "No way."]
Rachel: [Rachel & Ross are making out, & Rachel feels a wet spot] Oh! Oh, honey, that's OK!
Ross: Oh... you just rolled over the juice box!
Rachel: Oh, thank God!
[kisses him again]
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, you want me to be your backup.
Rachel: Exactly.
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, yeah - I already have one.
Rachel: What? Who?
Dr. Ross Geller: Phoebe.
Rachel: Phoebe? But she said Joey is her backup.
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, I don't think so.
Rachel: Ross, I just had a conversation with her, and she said that she and Joey made a deal.
Dr. Ross Geller: That's impossible. I mean, we had a deal for years; we shook on it. Although, believe me, she wanted to do a lot more than that.
Rachel: Off to see young Ethan?
Monica: Thank you.
Joey: How young is young Ethan? Young?
Monica: He's... our age.
Chandler: When we were?
Monica: Okay, he's a senior in college.
Ross: College?
Chandler: Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?
Monica: No, of course not. it's not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22.
Rachel: What?
Monica: Oh, I can't pass for 22?
Phoebe: Well, maybe 25-26.
Monica: [getting annoyed] I am 26.
Phoebe: There you go.
Maggie: [British accent] Hello, Dr. Danny. How are you today?
Danny: What's with the accent?
Katherine: She's been working on some accents.
Maggie: I'll be taking acting classes and become the next Miley Cyrus. Yes, I am.
Danny: How about you there, do you like Hannah Montana?
Michael: No, I'm more into Californication.
Katherine: When do you ever watch Californication?
Maggie: Rose lets us watch Showtime when she calls her boyfriend.
Ross: So when I get to China, guess who's in charge of the dig?
Rachel: Julie. Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck, fantastic?
Monica: I can't wait to see you. I'm just going to tell Rachel that I'm doing laundry for a couple hours.
Chandler: Laundry. Huh. Is that my new nickname?
[Rachel is shocked]
Monica: You know what your nickname is, Mr Big...
Rachel: AHHHHH!
[hangs up]
Rachel: [after deciding to return Mrs. Braverman's stolen cheesecake] Yeah, we'll just drop it off downstairs so that we're not tempted.
Chandler: Good idea. Where do you want to go for lunch?
Rachel: Mama's Little Bakery, Chicago, Illinois!
Monica: You can't live off your parents your whole life.
Rachel: I know that. That's why I was getting married.
Joey: [Practicing lines while talking to a pineapple] God, you're beautiful. Why are we fighting this?
[Rachel walks in]
Joey: You know you want it to happen as much as I do. I want you, I need you. Let me make love to you.
Rachel: I don't wanna stand in the way of true love or anything, but I think a cantaloupe might hurt less.
[ater Ross has bragged about having "unagi"]
Phoebe,8061: [sneaking up from behind Ross, shouting] Danger!
[Ross screams]
Rachel: Ah, salmon skin roll.
Phoebe: Oh! You know my friend Abby who shaves her head? She says that if you wanna break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do, like, a cleansing ritual.
Rachel: Phoebs, this woman is voluntarily bald.
Phoebe: Yeah.
[shrugs]
Phoebe: We can do it tomorrow night, guys. It's Valentine's Day, it's perfect.
Monica: Okay, but what kind of ritual?
Phoebe: Okay. We can, um... We can burn the stuff they gave us.
Rachel: Or...?
Phoebe: Or... Or... we can chant and dance naked. You know, with sticks.
Monica: Burning's good.
Rachel: Burning's good.
Joey: Guess what job I just got?
Chandler: I don't know, but Donald Trump wants his blue blazer black.
[pauses]
Ross: What?
Chandler: Blue blazer back. He wants it back.
Rachel: But, you said "black". Why would he want his blue blazer black?
Chandler: Well, you know what I meant.
Monica: No, you messed it up. You're stupid.
- I mean, I don't get it, you know?
- I mean...
- Maybe if they met me in person.
- Uh, honey, you got a little thing on your...
- Oh.
Rachel: Yeah.
- Get it?
Amy: [referring to their other sister Jill] Who's gotten really fat by the way.
Rachel: Really?
Amy: Mom says she's gained like 15 pounds.
Rachel: Hips and thighs?
Amy: Ass and face.
Rachel: Ohh. I thought she was on Atkins.
Amy: She was. Carbs found her.
Dr. Ross Geller: I'll keep looking. He's gotta be around here some place.
Rachel: You would think.
Monica: Rach! We weren't gonna miss our friends getting married.
Rachel: [gasps] Who got married?
Chandler: ...You did?
Katherine: [as they watch bikini-clad Palmer dive into the water] She really wears that bikini well.
Eddie: Yeah... you know what she'd wear well? A dental floss and a pirate hat.
[Rachel jogs on a side-walk, then runs like crazy into the park where she meets Phoebe at a path junction and they excitedly interact while running on the spot]
Rachel: I'm so sorry! You're right! This feels great!
Phoebe: See? And you don't care if people are staring! It's just for a second 'cause then you're gone!
[Phoebe happily runs off and waves to Rachel]
Rachel: [starts running again then turns around and runs backwards] Gone! I mean it's amazing Pheebs! I feel so free! So graceful!
[Rachel turns around, runs into a park horse and falls over. The horse looks around and Rachel gets up]
Rachel: [eagerly to a passer-by] Hey! Look out for the horse!
[Rachel apologises to the horse rider and continues running like crazy]
Rachel: [when Ross walks in] Oh there he is, the father of my child, the porn king of the west Village.
[Rachel runs through the park, but Phoebe is hiding behind a tree watching her and runs out, startling her]
Phoebe: [annoyed and upset] Oh yeah. Uh-huh. It's me. I saw you grab your running shoes this morning and sneak out. You lied so you could run by yourself.
Rachel: [protesting] No. No Phoebe. No. I was, no. You know what? I was... I was actually just checking... to see... if I could run! And I can!
[Rachel strikes up a straightened up pose]
Phoebe: [annoyed and upset] Please Rachel. I am not an idiot.
[Phoebe runs off]
Rachel: No wait! Phoebe!
Danny: Where does the name Devlin come from?
Katherine: She was an old sorority sister from college. She was my friend, yet I hated her.
Danny: A frenemy.
Katherine: Anyway, I got tired to them saying "I have to take a crap" and "I have to take a dump". So I told them it was called a Devlin. And they liked it. And it stuck.
Rachel: Y'know what? I am going to do something today. I'm not just gonna sit around like some old lady. I'm gonna get something pierced. Like my, uh - like my nose or my tongue, or something.
Phoebe: Really? 'Cause you know that hurts.
Rachel: So what? You know, the way I see it...
[Phoebe pulls a hair out from the back of Rachel's head]
Rachel: Ow. SonofaBITCH!
Joey: Listen to this: I went out with this girl last night. Halfway through our date, I realized I already slept with her.
Rachel: So basically, you've slept with all the women in New York, and now you're just going around again.
Rachel: Joey, why won't you invite us to your parties?
Joey: Well you're fine, ok, but everyone else acts like an idiot around famous people.
Rachel: Well then, so just invite me.
Joey: Please, I was trying to be nice. You're the worst one.
Rachel: The "I Hate Rachel Green Club"? Who was in this club?
Will: Me and Ross...
Ross: There's no need to point; she knows who Ross is.
Rachel: Ross! Who else?
Ross: Well, there was that exchange student from Thailand, but I don't think he really understand what it was.
Rachel: [to Monica] Did you know about this?
Monica: I swear I didn't know. Wait a minute; is that why the two of you used to go into your room and lock the door?
Ross: [ashamed] Uh, yes.
Monica: Gotta tell you; that's a relief.
Ross: [Ross's speech in Barbados, Rachel is laughing] ... is thought to be separate species from homo erectus
Joey: Homo?
Rachel: [Still laughing] Erectus.
Rachel: Who the hell are you?
Gavin: Who the hell are YOU?
Rachel: I'm the hell person whose office this is.
Phoebe: Alright, I'm gonna pass on the concert, 'cause I'm just not in a very *hootie* place right now.
Rachel: Me neither.
Joey: Me too.
Monica: Guys, we bought the tickets.
Phoebe: Oh, well, then you'll have extra seats, you know, for all your tiaras and stuff.
Chandler: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Monica: [to Phoebe] What about the puppet guy?
Rachel: Yeah! You like totally let him wash his feet in the Pool of Your Inner Power!
Monica: And his puppet, too!
Gunther: [after buying the sphynx cat from Rachel] I just came to pick up the red velvet pillow.
Rachel: Oh, sure - I'll get it for you.
Gunther: [to Ross before she leaves, referring to the cat] So what is this - some kind of snake or something?
Dr. Ross Geller: [reading his list of 5 celebrities he's allowed to sleep with] Elizabeth Hurley.
Chandler: Very attractive, forgiving.
Dr. Ross Geller: Susan Sarandon.
Chandler: She's too political, to do it with her, you'd probably have to donate four cans of food first.
Dr. Ross Geller: Isabella Rosellini.
Chandler: She's too international.
Rachel: So?
Chandler: So you gotta pick the odds, pick someone who will be in the country all the time.
Rachel: Yeah because that's why you weren't get Isabella Rosellini, geography.
Rachel: Remember how you told me how your grandmother put up that wall to make that into two bedrooms?
Phoebe: Yeah...
Rachel: And remember how you always said you were afraid that the landlord would find out and then tear it down?
Phoebe: Yeah...
Rachel: Do you really not know where I'm going with this?
Monica: What are you?
Rachel: [proudly] I am a woman who spent a lot of money on a dress because pretty soon, she won't be able to fit into it.
Monica: [in character] Oh. I'm Catwoman who wants to borrow the dress when you're too big for it.
Ross: You have a date? Who with?
Monica: No one.
Ross: C'mon, what's his name?
Monica: Nothing.
Ross: Come on, tell me.
Monica: All right, but I'm very excited about this okay, so you gotta promise you won't get all big-brothery and judgmental.
Ross: Oh, I promise. What?
Monica: It's Richard Burke.
Ross: Who's Richard Burke? Doc... Dr. Burke? You have a date with Dr. Burke? Why, why, why should that bother me? I, I love that man, he's like a, uh, brother to dad.
Monica: Here we go.
Ross: No, I think it's great that he's like 50. I mean uh... he'll be an inspiration to men who are almost retired all over the world.
Monica: Well for your information he happens to be one of the brightest, most sophisticated, sexiest men I've ever been with.
Ross: Dr. Burke is sexy?
Phoebe: Oh God, absolutely.
Phoebe: Hey. Whatcha guys doin'?
Dr. Richard Burke: Monica's making us watch Old Yeller.
Phoebe: Why are you guys so upset? It's Old Yeller, it's a happy movie.
Rachel: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: What're you talking about?
Phoebe: C'mon, happy family gets a dog, frontier fun.
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, but Pheebs, what about the end?
Phoebe: What when Yeller saves the family from the wolf and everyone's happy?
Rachel: That's not the end.
Phoebe: Yu-huh. That's when my mother would shut off the TV and say 'The end'.
Monica: What about the part where he has rabies?
Phoebe: He doesn't have rabies, he has babies. That's what my mom said.
Dr. Richard Burke: Uh, Phoebe, I don't think your mom would want you to see what's about to happen.
Phoebe: What, what's about to happen?
[starts watching]
Phoebe: I've never seen this part before. Hey, Travis, whatcha doin' with that gun? Oh no, no, no Travis, put down the gun. No, no, no, no he-he's your buddy. He's your Yeller! No, no, no! The end, THE END!
[hears the gunshot from the TV]
Phoebe: Okay, what kind of sick doggy snuff film is this?
- This is pretty. It's so pretty.
- And look, and it's purple.
- And I'm telling you, you with your steady hand, I am not moving.
- And now I have got the steady hand.
- I'll take care of it.
Rachel: That's right.
- You do what the hand says.
Will: [about how he hated Rachel in high school] It wasn't just me. We had a club.
Rachel: You had a club?
Will: That's right. The I Hate Rachel Green Club.
Rachel: O my God! So what? You all just join together to hate me? Who else was in this club?
Will: Me and Ross.
[points to Ross]
Ross: No need to point. She knows who Ross is.
Carol: [calling from the kitchen] Rach, would you like some sugar in your coffee?
Rachel: Yes, I...
[to Ben]
Rachel: Do I want sugar in my coffee?
[Ben shakes his head]
Rachel: No. Just some milk would be good, Carol. Thanks.
Rachel: I do not think what our children's names are gonna be!
Dr. Ross Geller: [Ross looks at her]
Rachel: You know what our children's names are gonna be!
Dr. Ross Geller: No, no, I mean you know, I read a book and there was a girl named Emily, and I thought, I thought it might be good.
Rachel: What was the book?
Dr. Ross Geller: ...The big book of children's name.
Monica: I'm so glad you got to see the babies
Rachel: I'm just sorry I won't be around to see you guys try to handle this I love you all so much
Rachel: [to Ross] I just want you to know last night I'll never forget it
Dr. Ross Geller: [They hug and Rachel leaves] Neither will I
Phoebe: [to Ross] You just let her go?
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah
Joey: Maybe that's for the best
Bruce: [Grace is sitting on the sofa, putting together a photo album. She hears Bruce singing from outside the door] What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us? Just a stranger on a bus, tryin' to make his way...
[She opens the door, and sees Bruce standing there]
Bruce: hoooooooooome!
Grace: [surprised] Oh my God.
Bruce: You can call me Bruce.
Grace: What happened to you? You seem so-
[He interrupts her with a kiss]
Grace: happy.
Bruce: Why shouldn't I be? On a night like this.
[He presents her with some flowers]
Grace: Ooooh... those are amazing! What are these?
Bruce: They're a new breed. Cross-pollination between tulips and daisies. I call them... tudaisies.
Grace: Okay...
[She walks away to get a vase. Once she's gone, Bruce magically closes the door with his powers. He follows her to the kitchen and strikes a flirtatious pose in the doorway]
Grace: Honey, these flowers are really beautiful. But last night...
Bruce: Last night I was only human.
[He backs away seductively]
Bruce: Barry, help me out here.
[the stereo magically turns on to Barry White's Never Never Gonna Give You Up]
- What? It's just a phase.
- Well, that's what we said about Joey.
- Hey, would you all relax?
- It's not that big a deal.
Rachel: Marcel, stop it! Marcel! Bad monkey!
- What?
Rachel: Ugh!
- Let's just say my curious George doll is no longer curious.
Rachel: Hi, Pheebs? Okay, so just spoke to the nurse and the reason that your doctor is late is because uh, she's not coming.
Phoebe: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: Apparently she fell in the shower and hit her head.
Phoebe: Oh my God, she's so stupid!
Dr. Ross Geller: Now, Pheebs, Pheebs, its going to be okay.
Phoebe: That's easy for you to say. I don't see three kids coming out of your vagina.
Rachel: Maybe Joey's right. Maybe all good deeds are selfish.
Phoebe: I will find a selfless good deed. 'Cause I just gave birth to three children and I will not let them be raised in a world where Joey is right.
[Rachel approaches a woman, who she thinks is Chandler's dad]
Rachel: Hi, I'm Rachel. And you are?
Woman: Amanda.
Rachel: Oh... I get it. A-man-duh.
Rachel: OK, Joey, we're luffing a little bit, so could you tighten up the cunningham?
Joey: Uh, wow - you just said a bunch of stuff I didn't know there.
Rachel: Joey, come on! We just went over this!
Joey: Oh, y'know, when we did, that was when that bird was flying overhead with the fish in his mouth. Did you see it? It was gross!
Rachel: [furious] No! Alright? I did *not* see the bird! I did *not* see the fish! I did *not* see the piece of Styrofoam that was shaped like Mike Tyson! I did *not*, because I was trying to teach you *how* to sail a boat! Which obviously is an impossible thing to do!
Joey: Alright, that's it! You're yelling, and I don't see you taking your top off! I quit!
Rachel: What do you mean you quit? You can't quit!
Joey: Why not?
Rachel: Because you're not finished yet, and I won't have it! Greens do not quit!
Joey: Greens? I'm a Tribbiani! And Tribbianis quit!
Rachel: Honey what are you doing here?
Phoebe: [to Ross] Which sister is this, the spoiled one or the one that bit her?
Jill: Daddy cut me off.
Phoebe: [to Ross] Never mind I got it.
Jill: And you know what I said to him? I said, I'm gonna hire a lawyer and I'm gonna sue you and take all your money and then cut *you* off.
Rachel: Wow. What did he say?
Jill: He said he wouldn't pay for my lawyer.
Ross: I'm back in the club!
Will: Yeah. Shall I call a meeting to order?
Ross: Is everybody present?
Will: With the exception if Tiktaka.
Phoebe: I want to join!
Rachel: Phoebe?
Phoebe: I'm sorry, but I never got to be in a club. I didn't go to high school. But three of us would meet behind a dumpster to learn French. Bonjour.
Palmer: I can't wait to Twitter this to all my friends.
Katherine: Oh, I forgot, you're 15.
[Danny accidentally kicks Palmer with the intention of kicking Katherine]
Palmer: Ouch! Did you just kick me?
Danny: No I did not. Did you just kick her? Why did you kick her?
Joey: Monica got stung by a jellyfish.
Monica: Alright, alright. I got stung. I got stung bad. I couldn't stand. I couldn't walk.
Chandler: We were two miles from the house. We were scared and alone. We didn't think we could make it.
Monica: I was in too much pain.
Joey: And I was tired from digging a huge hole!
Chandler: And then Joey remembered something...
Joey: I'd seen this thing on the Discovery Channel.
Ross: Wait a minute, I saw that, on the Discovery Channel. About jellyfish, and how if you... Eww! You peed on yourself?
Phoebe,8061: Eww!
Monica: You can't say that! You don't know! I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't bend that way. So...
Phoebe,8066: Eww!
Joey: Yeah that's right. I stepped up! She's my friend and she needed help. And if I have to I'd pee on any one of you. Only, I couldn't... I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was just too much pressure. So, so I turned to Chandler.
Chandler: [moan] Joey kept screaming at me. Do it now, do it, do it, do it, do it now! Sometimes late at night I can still hear the screaming.
Joey: That's cause sometimes I scream it through my wall just to freak you out.
Rachel: Maybe there's someone you can talk to.
Monica: Yeah like who? There's no group for people like us.
Rachel: Mrs. Bing, I gotta tell you, I read every book you've ever written. No, I mean it! I mean, when I read Euphoria At Midnight, all I wanted to do was become a writer.
Nora: Oh, please! Listen, honey, if I can do it, anybody can. You just start off with half a dozen European cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for male genitalia, and
[knocks: ]
Nora: bam! you have got yourself a book!
Chandler: My mother, ladies and gentlemen!
Monica: All right, I'm gonna show you something a lot of guys don't know. Rach, give me that pad, please?
[Monica starts drawing on it]
Monica: All right. Now...
Chandler: Look, you don't have to draw an actual wo... Whoa! She's hot!
Monica: Now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones.
[She starts labeling them]
Monica: You got one, two three, four
[Chandler is shocked to find out there's more than three]
Monica: , five, six, and seven!
Chandler: There are seven?
Rachel: Let me see that.
[Monica shows her]
Rachel: Oh, yeah.
Chandler: [Points to one] That's one?
Monica: It's kind of an important one!
Chandler: Oh, y'know-y'know what, I was looking at it upside down.
Monica: Now, most guys will hit uh, 1-2-3 and then go to 7 and set up camp.
Chandler: That-that's bad?
Monica: Well if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Matterhorn.
Chandler: Well, you might if it were anything like 7!
Monica: All right uh, the important thing is to take your time, you want to hit 'em all, and you mix 'em up. You gotta keep them on their toes.
Chandler: Oo, toes! Well, for some people.
[Chandler eyes her and her toes]
Monica: All right. Umm, you could uh start out with a little 1, a 2, a 1-2-3, 3, 5, a 4, a 3-2, 2, a 2-4-6, 2-4-6, 4,
[Rachel starts getting worked up]
Monica: 2, 2, 4-7, 5-7, 6-7, 7.
Monica: [Starting to yell] 7... 7... 7! 7! 7! 7! 7! 7! 7! 7! 7! 7! 7!
[Monica and Rachel both lean back on the couch satisfied]
Dr. Ross Geller: Hi!
Rachel: What are you doing here? Isn't this against the rules?
Dr. Ross Geller: Look. Monica told me about the phasing out thing. I'm the one who is making things change, so I should be the one to, you know, step back.
Rachel: [interrupting] Ross...
Dr. Ross Geller: No, I mean it. There's plenty of people who only see their sisters at Thanksgiving, who only see their college roommates at reunions and who only see Joey at Burger King! So is that better?
Rachel: [long pause] No it's not better! I still don't get to see you!
Dr. Ross Geller: Well, what would you do, Rach?
Rachel: Well, for starters, I would have said the right name at my wedding!
Joey: What's the matter?
Chandler: We wanted to kiss at midnight but nobody else is going to, so, you know...
Joey: Alright... I'll take care of it.
Monica: Joey! It's thirty seconds to midnight, what are you gonna do?
Joey: Will you just trust me?
[Heads to Ross]
Ross: 33, 32, 31...
Joey: Ross, Ross, listen, who are you kissing at midnight, huh? Rachel or Phoebe?
Ross: What?
Joey: Well, you gotta kiss someone, can't kiss your sister.
Ross: Well, who's gonna kiss my sister?
Joey: Chandler.
Ross: Oh, man, really?
Joey: Dude, who would you rather to have kiss your sister, me or Chandler?
Ross: That's good point. Well, since I have that whole history with Rachel, I guess Phoebe.
Joey: Ok, great
[Goes over to Phoebe]
Joey: Pheebs, Pheebs, listen. Ross wants to kiss you at midnight.
Phoebe: It's so obvious, why doesn't he just ask.
Joey: [Going over to Rachel] Rache, Rache. Listen, I'm going to kiss you at midnight.
Rachel: What?
Joey: Everybody's gotta kiss someone, can't kiss Ross, you got the history.
Rachel: So?
Joey: So, who'd you Rather kissing you, me or Chandler?
Rachel: Oh, good point.
[Countdown is over and they all kiss]
Ross: You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me.
Rachel: What?
Ross: [shouts] I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you!
Rachel: Hey, I was doing great before I found out about you. You think it's easy for me to see you with Julie?
Ross: Well then you should have said something before I met her!
Rachel: I didn't *know* then! And how come *you* never said anything to *me*?
Ross: There was never a good time.
Rachel: Yeah right. You only had a *year* , we only hung out *every* night.
Ross: Not, not, not... *every* night.
Kymberly: Wow. You dance super-good.
Rose: Thanks.
Kymberly: I'm Kymberly. With a 'y'
Rose: I'm Rose. With an 'r'. Is that your stage name?
Kymberly: My what?
Rose: Something to protect yourself from all those creeps out there. You should pick one. You know, something simple and sexy but cute. Short, maybe. Do you have a nickname?
Kymberly: Totally!
Rose: Oh. Well, great. Then use that because you...
Kymberly: I even got a tattoo of it. Do you wanna see?
Rose: Uh, well, n...
Kymberly: [Pulls down panties, revealing tattoo that says "Boner Garage" with an arrow pointing to her crotch] Check it out.
Rose: [Reading] 'Boner Garage'. Ooh... Wow... With a little arrow there, even...
Dr. Ross Geller: What are you doing?
Rachel: Storming out!
Dr. Ross Geller: Rachel, this is your apartment.
Rachel: Yeah, well, that's how mad I am!
Rachel: OK, I know they may not funny to you...
Carol: [from the other room] OH, MY GOD!
Rachel: ...Or Carol.
Joey: You're mean on the boat.
Rachel: What? I was just trying to teach you.
Joey: Well, lesson learned. Rachel is mean.
Ross: Yeeeeeep... Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember when she took me out on her dad's boat, she wouldn't let me help at all.
Rachel: Excuse me - I wanted you to help, but you couldn't move your arms because you were wearing three life jackets.
Ross: You have to respect the sea.
Rachel: [suspicious] OK. Well Monica, suppose one of your *special * tickets wins. How are you gonna feel when you win the Lottery but lose all your friends?
Monica: [sarcastically] Oh please! If I win the Lottery, you guys are *not* gonna leave me. Someone gave me a basket of mini-muffins last week and I couldn't get rid of you for three days!
Rachel: [crossly] Chandler! Would you just tell her what she did was wrong?
Chandler: [calmly to Monica] She's right. You shouldn't have bought tickets just for us.
[Monica gasps]
Chandler: [calmly] Let me finish.
[Chandler turns to the others]
Chandler: [suddenly smug] However, it doesn't look like I'm gonna get this job so I can't afford to have principles so SCREW YOU! THE TICKETS ARE OURS!
[as Chandler speaks, he gets up, suddenly snatches the extra tickets from Rachel and stands next to Monica]
Monica: [proudly] There's the man I married!
[Monica high-fives Chandler, taking him by surprise]
Ross: I didn't think there was a relationship to jeopardize. I thought we were broken up.
Rachel: We were on a break.
Ross: That, for all I knew, could last forever. That, to me, is a breakup.
Rachel: You think you're gonna get out of this on a technicality?
Ross: I'm not trying to "get out" of anything, okay? I thought our relationship was dead.
Rachel: Well, you sure had a hell of a time at the wake.
Rachel: [needs $100] Hi. You come in here all the time... I was just wondering, you think there's a possibility you could give me an advance on my tips?
Dr. Ross Geller: I sang, or rapped, "Baby Got Back"?
Rachel: You what? So you sang, to our baby daughter, a song about a guy who likes to have sex with women with giant asses?
Chandler: I just had me a little nubbinectomy. Yup, two nipples, no waiting.
Monica: Wow, like Rachel in high school.
Rachel: What?
Monica: Come on. I was kidding, it was such an obvious joke.
Chandler: That was an obvious joke and I didn't think of it. Why didn't I think of it?
[Chandler points at where his "nubbin" was]
Chandler: The source of all my power. Oh, my God, what have I done?
Rachel: Is it only offensive, novelty rap? Or just rap in general? Because Mommy can rap.
[starts bopping her fists]
Rachel: "My name is Mommy, and I'm here to say / That all the babies are..." Oh, I can't rap.
Amy: [fighting with Rachel while an uncomfortable Ross looks on] You know what I cannot believe? That my so-called sister gets a 30% discount from Ralph Lauren - and I still have to pay *retail*?
Rachel: [laughing] It's 45!
Amy: You bitch. You just think you're so perfect, with your new baby and your small apartment.
[Ross slams a towel on the kitchen table]
Amy: Well, let me tell you something: your baby isn't even that cute!
Ross: Too far, Amy. Too far.
Rachel: [reading her hometown's country club newsletter's Engagements section] Oh, my god... oh, my god, it's Barry and Mindy!
Monica: Barry who you almost...?
Rachel: Barry who I almost.
Monica: And Mindy your maid of...?
Rachel: Mindy my maid of.
- Oh, Dr. Geller.
- Stop it. You're being silly. Ha, ha.
Rachel: [singing] Love to love you baby love to love you baby ow
- Love to love you baby ow
Rachel: [in normal voice] Darn it!
Kiki: [reading Sam's palm] This isn't an accident that you're here. You're on a mission. Someone needs you.
Sam: Who?
Kiki: Well, I can't really tell. But they're close. You've seen a lot of pain. But you're not bitter. You're a searcher, a seeker of truth.
Sam: You see all that in my palm?
Kiki: Not all of it.
- Looks like I'll be going to the goddess meetings alone.
- Not when they find out you slept with Jason...
- An hour after he broke up with Monica.
- One hour?
- You are such a leaf blower!
Rachel: Oh!
- Ugh!
Monica: [about Emma] How do you know she's gonna start talking?
Rachel: Well, when I talk to her I almost feel like she understands what I'm saying.
Chandler: Kind of like Joey...
Rachel: [after Monica and Phoebe tell her about "Be Your Own Wind Keeper"] Oh, so it's a little like "The Hobbit."
Monica: It is nothing like "The Hobbit!"
[last lines]
Rachel: I think that bitch cracked my tooth.
Rachel: [after Chandler has thrown his cigarette butt on the ground] Chandler, what are you doing? There is a trash can right there!
Chandler: Well, I thought if I littered, that crying Indian might come by and save us.
[to Joey's stalker who thinks he is Drake Ramoray]
Joey: I am not Drake.
Ross: That's right! He is not Drake. He is...
[looks dramatically into the camera]
Ross: Hans Ramoray, Drake's evil twin!
Erika: [believes it] Is this true?
[Joey is unable to answer, too shocked]
Rachel: Yes! Yes, it is true. And I know this, because... Because he pretended to be Drake, to... to sleep with me!
[Rachel throws water in his face]
Monica: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't!
[Monica throws water in his face]
Chandler: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard!
[Chandler throws water in his face]
Rachel: Ross, you are so much better for me than Paolo ever was. I mean, you care about me, you're loving, you make me laugh.
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh hey, if I make you laugh, here's an idea. Why don't you have Paolo over to have a romp in the sack and I'll just stand in the corner and tell knock knock jokes.
Rachel: Ross, look, what you and I have is special. All Paolo and I ever had was...
Dr. Ross Geller: Animal sex, animal sex... so what are you saying? I mean are you saying that like there's nothing between us "animal" at all? I mean, there's not even like a little "animal"? Not even like, like chipmunk sex?
- Ross: Turn!
- Turn!
- I don't think we can turn anymore!
Rachel: I don't think it'll fit!
- Ross: Yeah, it will.
- Come on! Up, up, up!
- Up! Yes!
- Here we go! Pivot!
Rachel: I think it's a great thing you're having these babies for Frank and Alice.
Phoebe: Can I tell you a secret? I'm gonna keep one.
Rachel: Oh, my god. I'm going to be on the news...
Nurse: Now, which one of you is the father?
[pointing to Joey and Ross]
Phoebe: Oh no, neither of them are the father. The father is my brother.
Nurse: Okaaay.
Rachel: I am so gonna miss seeing you freak people out like that.
Rachel: Wow. I guess it wasn't Cupid that brought her here.
Phoebe: No, just a regular old flying dwarf.
Dr. Ross Geller: How do you think he's going to take it.
Rachel: That is hard to, Ross. That is hard to say.
Rachel: There is no "us".
Ross: No but...
Rachel: No, listen to me: I fell for you and I got clobbered, you fell for me then somehow I got clobbered again. I am tired of being clobbered, it's just not worth it.
Ross: But we...
Rachel: No, "we" are never going to happen, accept that.
Ross: [misunderstanding her] Except what?
Rachel: [speaking slower and clearer] No, *accept* that.
Rachel: Monica?
- It would help when I'm kissing if you didn't shout my sister's name.
- Honey, I'm just checking.
- Oh.
- Ahem. Monica?
- Mon?
- -Monica? Ross: Mon?
Rachel: Monica?
[In Vegas, Ross and Rachel are drunk in their hotel room]
Rachel: [Picking up the phone] Hello? Vegas? Yes, we would like some more alcohol, and you know, we would like some more beers too... hello? Oh wait... I forgot to dial.
[There is a knock at the door]
Ross: That must be our alcohol and beers.
Rachel: Ugh.
- You know what? I don't care.
- I'm not ashamed of my book.
- There's nothing wrong with a woman enjoying a little erotica.
- It's just a healthy expression of female sexuality...
- Which, by the way, is something that you will never understand.
- You got porn.
Joey: The vicar won't be home for hours.
Rachel: [shocked] Joey, where'd you learn that word?
Rachel: Oh, and, uh, by the way...
Ross: What?
Rachel: I am going commando, too.
Rachel: Emma, this is your first Thanksgiving! What are you thankful for? Mommy's boobies?
Ross: A lot of people are thankful for those.
Monica: Hey Rach, aren't these candlesticks mine?
Rachel: No, no, I bought those.
Monica: Oh, right, I forgot... that you're a liar!
Rachel: [after finding a lunch receipt in Monica's jacket pocket for a large amount] Monica what's with you? Who did you have lunch with?
Monica: Judy?
Rachel: Who?
Monica: Julie.
Rachel: [shocked] What?
Monica: [frantically] Jodi?
Rachel: [quietly shocked] You were with Julie?
Monica: [uneasy] Ooh. Look, when it started... I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we were... shopping.
Rachel: [shocked] Oh... Oh, my God.
Monica: [walks over to Rachel] Honey, wait! We only did it once. It didn't mean anything to me!
[Rachel walks away from Monica]
Rachel: [sarcastically] Yeah, right. Sure!
Monica: [protesting] Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time! Look, I'm sorry, all right? I never meant for you to find out!
Rachel: [angrily] Oh please! Please! You *wanted* to get caught!
Monica: [gasps] That is *not* true!
Rachel: [sarcastically] Oh, so you sort of *happened* to leave it in here?
Monica: [protesting] Did it ever occur to you that I might just be *that* stupid?
Rachel: [calms herself] OK Monica... I just have to know one thing...
[Monica nods]
Rachel: [puts her hand on her chest] Did you go with her to Bloomingdales?
[Monica pauses, then moves her eyes as if to say "Um... yes"]
Rachel: [vocally gasps]
Monica: [silently gasps]
Rachel: [emotionally] OK. OK. OK I just really um... I just really need to not be with you right now.
[Rachel exits the apartment and Monica looks disappointed]
Joey: Between Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Ross - if you had to, who would you punch?
Rachel: No one - they are my friends! I wouldn't punch any of them.
Joey: Chandler?
Rachel: ...Yeah, but I don't know why.
Rachel: No! Phoebe, of course there is more! I mean, I'll just talk to Monica and get an ETA on the pee-pees.
Rachel: Come on, Terry. I'll even clean the cappuccino machine.
Terry: You don't clean the cappuccino machine?
Rachel: Yeah, I clean the cappuccino machine, but I will cleeeeean it. I will cleeeeeean it.
Dr. Ross Geller: I like Ruth. How about Ruth?
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry. Are we having an 89-year-old? How about Dayton?
Dr. Ross Geller: Veto. Stewart?
Rachel: Veto. Sawyer?
Dr. Ross Geller: Veto. Helen?
Rachel: Veto
Phoebe: Is it me or is Veto starting to sound really good?
Rachel: I can't believe Chip dumped me for that slut, Nancy Branson. You know, I'm taking him back. I don't care how much he begs.
Monica: I think his begging days are over now he's going out with Nancy Branson.
[Jill is wearing a sexy outfit]
Jill: So, what do you think?
Rachel: I-I don't like it.
Jill: Really?
Rachel: It's kinda slutty.
Jill: It's yours.
Rachel: Well, I'm a slut.
Jill: Me too.
Rachel: You know, Ben, when you were younger, you and I used to hang out all the time. I was your daddy's girlfriend.
Ben: But you're not anymore.
Rachel: Well, that's true.
Ben: Because you guys were on a break.
Rachel: Hey, we were not on a br... OK. OK. You know, Ben, someday when you're a lot older, I'm going to tell you that entire story over a pitcher of real margaritas.
Monica: [after bumping Ben's head on the ceiling, Monica & Rachel are thinking of ways to distract Ross from the bump on Ben's head] I've got it! The second that Ross walks in that door I want you to take him back to your bedroom and you do whatever it is that you do that makes him go, "Reee!"
Rachel: Or... We could put a hat on his head.
Ross: [looking at Rachel's resume] Rach, did you proof read these?
Rachel: Uh, yeah. Why?
Ross: Uh, nothing. I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent "compuper skills".
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh, do you think it's on all of them?
Joey: Ah, no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few.
Dr. Ross Geller: Look, I'm sorry to hear about your tragedy, ok? But the swings are perfectly safe, and, besides, Emma loves them. You know what? You should come with us and you'll see!
Rachel: Ross, those things go like forty miles an hour! There's a moment when you're at the top when you just don't know if you're gonna return back to Earth!
Dr. Ross Geller: Space *is* filled with orbiting children...
Phoebe: So Joey's out with my friend the other night and she reaches over and takes some of his fries...
Rachel: Oh, no.
Phoebe: You know about the plate thing?
Rachel: Oh, yeah. Joey doesn't share food. I remember the other day it was breakfast and I had some grapes on my plate.
Phoebe: [to Joey] You wouldn't let her share a grape?
Rachel: Oh, no, not me. Emma.
Dr. Ross Geller: [implying he fell asleep at a lecture he attended with her] So I nodded off a little...
Rachel: Nodded off? Ross, you were snoring! My father's boat didn't make that much noise when it hit rocks!
Dr. Ross Geller: Come on! Forty-five minutes! Forty-five minutes the man talked about strappy-backed dresses.
Rachel: Okay, how about four hours in a freezing museum auditorium listening to Professor Pitstains and his 'hey, everybody, remember that thing that's been dead for a gazillion years? Well, here's a little bone we didn't know it had!
Rachel: So basically you guys get your ya-ya's by taking money from all of your friends.
Chandler: Yeah, and I get my ya-ya's from Ikea. You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less.
Rachel: [about Chandler being mistaken for being homosexual] When I first met you, I thought maybe, possibly, you might be.
Chandler: You did?
Rachel: Yeah, but then you spent Phoebe's entire birthday party talking to my breasts, so then I figured mabye not.
Rachel: Fasten your seat belts, it's pee pee time.
Ross: I was just leaving.
Rachel: Good! 'Cause I've got a product report to read. It's like eight pages, I hope I don't fall asleep!
Ross: Why, did you write it?
Eddie: Katherine, I can't go. Okay?
Katherine: Why?
Eddie: Because I texted a picture of my new equipment to my ex-girlfriend.
Katherine: Oh, you're disgusting.
Eddie: And I forgot she's engaged to a UFC fighter. He wants to punch me in the face.
Katherine: I wanna punch you in the face.
Ross: Hypnosis is beyond crap.
Rachel: Ross, I watched you get hypnotized in Atlantic City.
Ross: Hey, that guy did not hypnotize me.
Rachel: Oh right, 'cause you always pull your pants down on the count of three and play "Wipeout" on your butt cheeks.
Rachel: Take it from me. Mothers love me. Ross' mom actually said that I'm like the daughter that she never had.
Monica: She said WHAT?
Phoebe: That she's like the daughter that she never had. Listen.
[Monica looks at Phoebe angrily]
Dr. Ross Geller: It will be finally good to get this off you
Marcel the Monkey: Makes squeaking noise
Dr. Ross Geller: Or we can we can leave it on
Rachel: You know with the right pair of pumps that would make a cute little outfit
Rachel: Maybe you should put it off.
Ross: No, no, I don't wanna put it off, I just, God I just, I spent last year being so unbelievably miserable, ya know, and now, now I'm actually happy. You know, I mean, really happy. I just, I just don't wanna, I don't wanna mess it up, ya know.
Rachel: I know, yeah, sorry.
Ross: What, it's not your fault.
Rachel: Maybe it, maybe it doesn't have to be this tough. I mean, maybe you were on the right track with this whole, you know, spontaneous thing. I mean, women really like that.
Ross: Really?
Rachel: Yeah, I mean, you know it, I mean, if it were me I, I, you know, I'd want you to, I don't know, like catch me off guard, you know, with like a really good kiss, you know really, sort of um, soft at first, then maybe um brush the hair away from my face, and look far into my eyes in a way that let's me know that something amazing is about to happen.
Ross: [being drawn in by her talk] Uh-huh.
Rachel: And then, I don't know, I mean you'd pull me really close to you so that, so that I'd be pressed up, you know, right against you. And, um, it would get kind of sweaty and uh, and blurry, and then it's just happening.
Ross: Ohh. . . Thanks Rach, goodnight.
[goes back in apartment]
Rachel: Ohh, God.
Rachel: Oh, my god - I've become my father. I've been trying so hard not to become my mother, I didn't see this coming.
Rachel: [talking about Phoebe's strange running style] You guys I am telling you, when she runs she runs like a cross between Kermit the Frog and the Six Million Dollar Man.
Dr. Ross Geller: [grinning] Monica had *such* a crush on him. She used to kiss his poster every night before going to bed.
Rachel: [delighted] Ah! I used to do that too!
Monica: [interested] Did you also have his album 'It's Not Easy Being Green'?
[Rachel stares at Monica]
Rachel: [comforting] Oh Mon!
[Rachel leans forward, kisses Monica on her cheek and sits down]
Monica: [quickly smiles and eagerly continues the topic] So, Phoebe runs weird, huh?
Rachel: Yeah. Yeah and you know what? I know she's gonna wanna run again. I just... I don't know how to get out of it. I mean, I live with her.
Monica: [simply] Why don't you just... be straight with her. Tell her the truth.
Dr. Ross Geller: [in agreement] Huh.
Rachel: [flatly] You're right. You're right. I should just tell her the truth.
Rachel: Monica, we're out of candy.
Monica: What? Already? There's only been like three kids.
Rachel: [quite flattered] Yeah, I know, but one girl told me she loved me so I just gave her everything.
Phoebe: [gladly] No wonder you're pregnant.
Ross: [Rachel is ordering a pizza] No anchovies.
Rachel: Extra anchovies.
Ross: That's okay, I'll just pick them off.
Rachel: And can you chop some up and like, mix them into the sauce?
Ross: And for the record, it took two people to break up this relationship!
Rachel: Yeah! You, and that girl from the copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!
Ross: I didn't know what I was taking responsibility for, okay? I didn't finish the whole letter!
Rachel: What?
Ross: I fell asleep!
Rachel: You fell asleep?
Ross: It was five thirty in the morning. And you had rambled on for eighteen pages. FRONT AND BACK!
Rachel: [on the phone with her dad] Well, maybe it's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait. I said maybe.
Sandra: Rachel, you must get a nanny. You don't know how overwhelming this is gonna be. I mean, when you were a baby, I had full-time help - I had Mrs. K.
Rachel: Mrs. K! Oh, she was sweet. She taught me Spanish. Actually, I think I remember some of it: "Tu madre es loca."
[meaning "Your mother is crazy"]
Sandra: Such a sweet woman.
Rachel: You are having a party tonight?
Joey: I am kind of having a thing for the Days of Our Lives people.
Rachel: And you weren't gonna tell us? How did you think you were gonna get away with that?
Joey: I do it every year.
Rachel: You do it every year?
Joey: I didn't have to tell you that!
Rachel: That's why you got us tickets to that play! To get rid of us!
Joey: Yeah...
Rachel: And last year, is that why you sent us to that Medieval times restaurant?
Joey: Yeah...
Rachel: And the year before that, when you set up that nightime tour of that button factory!
Joey: I can't believe you guys went for that one!
Ross: Every week the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey's apartment. What name appears on the address label?
Rachel: Oh! Chandler gets it. It's Chandler Bing.
Monica: No.
Ross: I'm afraid the TV Guide comes to "Chanandler Bong".
Monica: I knew that. Rachel, use your head.
Chandler: Actually, it's Miss Chanandler Bong.
Dr. Ross Geller: [comes in Monica and Rachel's apartment, while he holds Ben] Okay, what the hell happened back there?
Rachel: I don't know, you tell me. One minute I'm holding Ben like a football, the next thing I know I've got two kids, I'm living in Scarsdale complaining about the taxes.
Dr. Ross Geller: Well I'm sorry, I think about stuff. Ya know, I mean, you're at work, you're assembling bones, your mind wanders.
Rachel: Ross, you have planned out the next 20 years of our lives, we've been dating for six weeks!
Rachel: [Rachel and Ross are sparring about the fact that Ross is already planning their whole common life. Both speak at some elevated tone] Okay, Ross, Ross. Okay, listen. What we have is amazing.
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah.
Rachel: But I do not want to have everything decided for me. I spent my whole life like that. That's what I had with Barry. That was one of the reasons I left. I like not knowing right now. And I'm sorry if that scares you, but if you want to be with me, you are going to have to deal with that.
Dr. Ross Geller: OK, fine.
Rachel: Thank you.
Dr. Ross Geller: We're not done.
Rachel: I didn't know that.
Dr. Ross Geller: And then you're going to have to understand that you're with a guy who's not going to stop planning his future with you because he knows we're going to end up together. And if that scares you, tough, 'cause you're going to have to deal with that.
Rachel: Fine, I will.
Dr. Ross Geller: Good. 'Cause I love you.
Rachel: Oh, yeah?
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah.
Rachel: Well, I love you too.
Dr. Ross Geller: That's the first time we've said that.
Rachel: Yes, it is.
Dr. Ross Geller: Well, I'm going to kiss you.
Rachel: Well, you better.
[Then Ross goes to Rachel to kiss her]
Chandler: Time's up. Pheebs, how many you got?
Phoebe: Well, I started naming states, but then I got tired of it. So, I started naming different types of celery. So far I only got one- regular celery.
Chandler: ...Okay, Phoebe's got the lead in vegetables. Rach?
Rachel: 48.
Chandler: Not bad. Joey?
Joey: Behold the new champion of Chandler's stupid state game.
Ross: How many you got?
Joey: 56.
Joey: [Phoebe and Rachel are trying to convince Joey to pursue a relationship with a Erin] I'm sorry you guys, but I just don't thinks so.
Joey: [girls grudgingly give in] Hey don't start judging me.
[to Rachel]
Joey: You're the one who's in love with her assistant.
[to Phoebe]
Joey: And you, you're the one who's having the affair with the guy who keeps the pigeons on the roof.
Rachel: Phoebe!
Phoebe: SECRET affair!
Ross: [Rachel has just met Ross's Asian girlfriend] Rachel, this is Julie. I met her in China.
Ross: [notices Rachel has brought flowers] What are those?
Rachel: Oh, these?
Rachel: [begins speaking slowly and distinctly to Julie] These are for you! Welcome to our country.
Julie: [slowly and distinctly] Thank you; I'm from New York.
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh. *Oh*. Thank God, most women don't even feel them.
Rachel: Okay, no uterus, no opinion.
Rachel: Hey, you guys wanna go see a movie?
Ross: Yeah, sure.
Rachel: How about you, Phoebe?
Phoebe: No, thanks, I've already seen one.
Rachel: [about the cat] I give up, you guys. I don't know what I'm gonna do with this thing.
Dr. Ross Geller: Baking it didn't help, huh?
Monica: So why don't you just take it back where you got it?
Rachel: I tried, they won't take her back.
Chandler: Maybe that's because she's a minion of the antichrist.
Rachel: He couldn't even undo my bra.
Monica: Wow, really? One time he just looked at my bra and it popped open.
Monica: [reads title] A Woman Undone, by Rachel Karen Green.
Rachel: Yeah, thought I'd give it a shot. Still on the first chapter. Now, do you think his love-stick could be liberated from his denim prison?
Monica: Yeah, I think so. And there's no J in "engorge."
Jules: [Angry] You based all of my treatment on your dog?
Glenn: Ajam.
[Jules is stressed]
Glenn: Ok, I'm just gonna light a little sage in here 'cause, you know? It's very calming so let's all just
[whistles]
Glenn: calm.
Jules: It's just... I can't believe you lied to me.
Glenn: [Pointing at Jules, slightly angry] Hey, hey, hey, Jules! And yes, this is my steering voice.
Jules: [Slighty intimidated] I don't like your steering voice.
Glenn: All I ever do was used my personal experience
[starts coughing because of the sage]
Glenn: to help you. All right? I've never lied on this office. Ever. This is a sacred circle
[keeps coughing]
Glenn: of truth.
Jules: Is it, Glenn?
Glenn: What?
Jules: Tell me. After we left, did you leave a note on that car?
Glenn: Yes, I did.
Jules: What did it say?
Glenn: It said: Suck it!
[Jules nods, having proved her point]
Glenn: I'm not perfect, Jules.
Jules: [Ironic] Really?
Glenn: That's how we connect. We are kindred spirits. Last time you said that you felt guilty because you hang up on your dad. Last Christimas, I set my car on fire so my mother would think I was dead.
Jules: Those aren't the same!
Glenn: Bah, they're so close. But you know what? I'm done playing with your judgement games. I'm not gonna play. You're gonna have to find another therapist.
Jules: YOU are firing ME?
Glenn: Here's your information.
Jules: Are you serious?
Glenn: Yeah.
Jules: You are a nutjob!
Glenn: Yeaaaaah.
Jules: You take your dog to communion!
Glenn: [Angry and obviously crazy] Hey, that was not my choice. That was Gabriel's choice. I was totally against that, Jules.
Rachel: Oh, God, I hate my job. I hate it. I hate my job.
Monica: I know, honey. I'm sorry.
Rachel: Oh. I wanna quit, but then I think I should stick it out. Then I think, why would such a person stay in such a demeaning job just because it's remotely related to the field they're interested in?
Rachel: [to Monica] Oh, are you setting Ross up with someone? Does she have a wedding dress?
Rachel: See? Unisex.
Joey: Maybe *you* need sex. I just had it a few days ago.
Rachel: No, Joey, U-N-I-sex.
Joey: I wouldn't say no to that.
- But who cares, because it's all on me.
- That is one big drink.
Rachel: Macadamia nut?
- Um, wow! That's some pricey nut.
- Really like those macadamia nuts, huh?
- Nope.
Rachel: [re Ursula, Phoebe's twin sister] Uhm, Phoebs, so you - you guys just don't get along?
Phoebe: It's, just like dumb sister stuff, you know. I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know. Oh! Oh! She was the first one to start walking. Even though I did it... later that same day. But to my parents, by then, it was like, "Yeah, well, what else is new?"
Dr. Ross Geller: [after filling up the cab's gas tank] You're welcome.
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, were you speaking to me or sleeping with someone else?
Rachel: [on phone] Mom, would you relax. That was 10 blocks from here and, the, the woman was walking alone at night. I would never do that. Mom, c'mon, stop worrying. This is a safe street, this is a safe building, there's nothing
[a pigeon flies in the window]
Rachel: OH MY GAAWD, oh my God, mom I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go.
[hangs up]
Rachel: Ah!
[in a soothing voice]
Rachel: OK, that's fine, you just read the paper, I'm gonna get a pot - it's not for you.
[grabs a pot and lid]
Rachel: OK, that's fine, read the Family Circus, enjoy the gentle comedy.
[puts pot over the pigeon]
Rachel: Aaahh, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, aaaaahh,
[turns over pot]
Rachel: oh-uh
[knock at the door]
Rachel: It's open you guys.
Duncan: [enters with flowers] Hi.
Rachel: Hey, hey can I help you?
Duncan: Yeah, I'm looking for Phoebe, does she still live here?
Rachel: Uh, no she doesn't but I can, I can get a message to her.
Duncan: Great. Uhh, just tell her her husband stopped by.
Rachel: Her what?
[in surprise she forgets she has the pigeon in the pot and lets it fly out]
Duncan: Hey, how, how did you do that?
Steve: I silkscreen T-shirts now.
Rachel: Really? What's that like?
Steve: It's really fulfilling doing something you hate for no money.
Dr. Ross Geller: You know how you told me I should do whatever it takes to fix my marriage?
Rachel: Yeah. I told you to give Emily whatever she wants.
Dr. Ross Geller: And while that was good advice, you should know that what... what she wants...
Rachel: Yeah?
Dr. Ross Geller: ...is for me not to see you anymore.
Rachel: Well, that's crazy! You can't do that! What are you going to tell her?
[awkward silence]
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh, you've already agreed to this, haven't you?
[her eyes are filling with tears]
Dr. Ross Geller: It's awful, I know. I mean, I feel terrible. But I have to do this if I want my marriage to work, and I do, I have to make this marriage work. I have to. But the good thing is, we can still see each other until she gets here.
Rachel: [clapping her hands] Oh! Lucky me! Oh my god, that *is* good news, Ross! I think that's the best news I've heard since Lepooh died!
Rachel: I am so sorry for Ross' flirting.
Caitlin: [stunned] Oh, my god! That was flirting?
Rachel: I got an interview!
Monica: Where?
Rachel: Saks Fifth Avenue!
Phoebe: Oh, Rachel! It's like the mother ship is calling you home!
Rachel: [about her mother] If she wanted to be more like me, why couldn't she just copy my hairstyle or something?
Chandler: [Chandler calls Phoebe] Joey's not going to be here tonight, so why don't you come over and I'll let you feel my bicep... or maybe more.
Phoebe: I'll have to get back to you on that. Ok, bye.
[hangs up]
Phoebe: Oh my God! He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more.
Rachel: Are you kidding! I can't believe he would do that to Mon...
[turns to Joey]
Rachel: Joey, do they know that we know?
Ross: It was no big deal. We... we said that... the rumor was that you had both male and female reproductive parts.
Rachel: What?
Will: That's right! We said your parents flipped a coin, decided that Rachel was a girl, but you still had a hint of a penis.
Rachel: Oh, my God!
Monica: You started that?
Rachel: What? You heard that?
Monica: Everyone at our school heard it!
Chandler: Everybody at my school heard it! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?
Monica: [wide grin on her face] Did you get any sleep? Did you talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling.
Rachel: I know, it looks like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.
Rachel: This is all my fault; I wanted him to open up. But God, I didn't know that I was gonna unleash this-this weepy, clingy, moist monster!
Chandler: So why is she leaving? Is it a school night and she has a lot of homework to do?
Ross: Yes. Her molecular epidemiology paper is due tomorrow.
Chandler: Tell her good luck with that.
Ross: Anyone else, huh? Bring 'em on.
Rachel: Oh, when's her birthday?
Ross: I don't know, Rachel. Why?
Rachel: Well, you know, it's been so long since I've been to Chuck E Cheese.
Rachel: So, how's the baby styling business going?
Amy: Not that great. It's almost as if people don't want to hear that their babies are ugly.
[first lines]
Rachel: Will you let it go? It's not that big a deal!
Ross: Not that big a deal? It's amazing! Okay? You just reach in and then this one little maneuver and bam! a bra! Right out the sleeve. As far as I'm concerned, there's nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right here?
[Chandler obviously agrees]
Rachel: Oh, come on, you guys can pee standing up!
Chandler: We can? Okay, I'll try that.
Joey: Uh, you know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts anytime they want. Look down and there they are. How you get any work done is beyond me.
Phoebe: Okay, you know what I don't get? The guys can do so many mean things and then not even care.
Ross: [got no answer to this] Multiple orgasms!
Rachel: I remember he said something about a boat and I said, "well, yeah, if you got enough life jackets."
[starts laughing]
Rachel: [Joey and Chandler are silent]
Rachel: Trust me, it was very funny.
Rachel: You really think I didn't say "good-bye" because I don't care?
Dr. Ross Geller: That's what it seemed like.
Rachel: I cannot believe that after ten years, you do not know *one* thing about me!
Dr. Ross Geller: Fine! That why didn't you say something?
Rachel: Because it is too damn hard, Ross! I cannot even begin to explain to you how much I am going to miss you! When I think about not seeing you everyday, it makes me not want to go! Okay? So if you think that, that I didn't say "good-bye" to you because you don't mean as much to me as everyone else, you're wrong. It's because you mean *more* to me. So there! All right? *There's* your good-bye!
Dr. Ross Geller: Rach!
Rachel: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: You ca - ! You keep - ! You can't - !
Rachel: What?
[Ross kisses her]
Melissa: This has been so great Ray Ray, here's my card.
Rachel: Oh wow, thanks. Oh, you're in real estate?
Melissa: Oh no, that's an old card. I wanted to get out of that and do something where I could really help people and make a difference.
Rachel: Wow, well what do you do now?
Melissa: I'm a party planner.
Phoebe: Hey, Rach - where's Emma?
Rachel: Monica made me send her to my mother's. Apparently, babies and weddings don't mix.
Monica: Are you still crying about your damn baby?
Dr. Ross Geller: You know, I didn't wear this suit for a year because you hated it. Well guess what, you're not my girlfriend any more, so...
Rachel: Oh I see, so this suit is making a point. Now that you're on your own, you're free to look as stupid as you'd like.
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Monica] You like it, right?
Monica: Absolutely. I like it even more on you than I did on Colonel Sanders.
Ross: [Rachel, Joey and Charlie are eating fajitas, then Ross enters the scene] I'd like to make a toast, to Rachel and Joey
Rachel: Ooyy!
Ross: And... to *love*.
[Rachel, Joey and Charlie are about to drink their margaritas]
Ross: Ahh, love... l-o-v-e. L is for life, and what is life without love?
Rachel: [to Joey] Oh my god, I was supposed to answer?
Ross: O is for Oh WOW! V is for this very surprising turn of events which I am still fine with, by the way.
[Rachel, Joey and Charlie are about to drink their margaritas again]
Ross: E is for how *extremely* normal I find it that *you* two are together... and that one day you might get married and have children of your own.
Joey: [awkward silence] Dude, are you okay?
Ross: Totally!
[drinks margarita]
Rachel: Ross, you don't seem OK.
Ross: I'm sorry, it must be the pressure of entertaining. I think everyone would feel better if we had some *flan*!
Charlie: Wait Ross, Ross, I-I have to take off.
Ross: Nooo!
Charlie: I'm sorry, I have a really early class in the morning, but this has been lovely.
Ross: Wasn't it? And you thought it would be awkward with Joey and that you never really liked Rachel.
Charlie: *You're on fire*! I'll call you in the morning, ok?
Ross: OK.
[goes to kitchen]
Charlie: Oh God Rachel, what Ross just said, that is-...
Rachel: Oh!that's ok, girls tend not to like me.
Charlie: Bye.
Ross: [Ross enters the room with flan] OK! I guess it's just flan for three! Hey... hey, that rhymed!
Rachel: You know what Ross? I think we're gonna take of too.
Ross: Oh, oh... Of course! God, I'm so stupid, you guys are a couple now and you probably just wanna be alone.
Rachel: No, no, it's just that it's getting late-...
Ross: Hey, hey, it's fine, it's totally fine. We've got plenty of margaritas, it's all good.
[oven timer sounds]
Ross: I don't even know what that's for.
Bruce: [breaking out of a freeze] Hi, Susan!
Grace: Oh, thank you, God.
Bruce: Bruce Nolan here, aboard the Maid of the Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York. First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber - pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the blue heart of the ocean jewel over the railing of the Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?
[Grace gasps in disbelief]
Bruce: Hmm. I guess that's how life is, isn't it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death, on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat, while others are in a comfy news studio, sucking up all the glory.
[mashes and discards stupid umbrella hat]
Bruce: Oh, well. No big deal.
Control: Oh boy.
Bruce: Oh, look! It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill...
Bill,: That's all right.
Bruce: No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on, let's have a talk.
Grace: Come on. What are you doing?
Bruce: Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me, why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?
Bill,: Hey, man, I don't want any problems...
Bruce: [messes his hair] Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or, like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life eroding beneath me?
[sticking his face into the camera]
Bruce: Eroding, eeeeroding, eeeeerodding.
Jack: Cut the feed. Cut to black.
Control: I'm on it.
Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you...
[makes a fist gesture]
Bruce: fuckers.
Ross: I don't know if he's testing me or he's just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. First, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine. Supposedly by accident.
Rachel: Oh, yeah, I've done that.
Ross: And then, like three days in a row, he got to the newspaper before I did and peed all over the crossword.
Rachel: I've never done that.
Rose: You're such a dick. Have fun dying alone, jerk.
David: Yeah, have fun digging out those singles from your crotch!
Rose: My crotch only takes twenties, David.
Rachel: Phoebe, you can't have both of them; you have to pick one.
Joey: Pick me.
Dr. Ross Geller: No, pick me. I don't want to end up an old maid.
Phoebe: Alright; well, let's see... Ross is a good father, but Joey has a boat. This is hard.
Joey: This is crazy. Hey, look - I want to switch to Rachel.
Dr. Ross Geller: Ooh, I want to switch to Rachel, too.
Phoebe: No, wait - just wait. Don't make any rash decisions. OK, just remember my promise. If we get married... three times a week.
Rachel: Oh, my God, Phoebe.
Phoebe: I'm talking about massages.
Rachel: Oh.
[when Rachel looks away, Phoebe shakes her head and mouths the words "No I'm not"]
[Rachel is supposed to be cutting up her credit cards]
Everybody: Cut, cut, cut, cut.
Rachel: [cuts a card] You know what? I think we can leave it at that. It was kind of a symbolic gesture...
Monica: Rachel, that was a library card.
[Everybody cheers her on, and she reluctantly cuts a credit card]
Chandler: You know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.
Rose: [Scottie P. is trying to make out with Casey, who is resisting] Hey! Get your hands off of her! Come here, Casey. Now, you put your hands on her one more time, I swear I'm gonna rip that fucking tattoo right off of your chest.
[mocking]
Rose: You know what I'm sayin'?
Scottie P.: Oh, really, bitch?
Rose: Yeah, bitch.
Kenny: You know what? Why don't you leave the girls alone, man.
Scottie P.: What are you gonna do about it, Eyebrows?
Kenny: One... two...
Rose: [Punches Scottie P. in the face]
Scottie P.: OW! Broke my nose! You're a aggressive woman! Y'know wha' I'm sayin'?
[runs away]
Rose: [to Casey] Are you OK?
Casey: I'm fine. That was awesome, you just fuckin' decked him!
Rose: Yeah, well, I've dealt with handsy assholes like him at work. Come on, let's just get out of here. Thanks for the backup. Kenny, what were you counting? If you're gonna punch somebody, you punch 'em on "one."
Kenny: Well, David told me to count...
[Casey groans]
Rose: David? David hasn't punched anybody, ever.
Rachel: Why can't parents just stay parents? You know? Why do they have to become people?
Rachel: [leaning over Ross' shoulder to look at picture of his baby] Oh God, isn't he just the sweetest thing? You just wanna kiss him all over.
Ross: [with desperate longing] That would be nice.
Rachel: Then the waiter spilled water down my back, and my boob popped out.
Phoebe: Oh, no!
Rachel: It's ok. I have nice boobs.
[Rachel is waiting for her massage, Phoebe opens the door slightly but moves back so Rachel doesn't see her]
Phoebe: [calls inside the room with a Swedish accent] Hello ya. It's time for your massage, ya. Put-put your face in the hole.
Rachel: [impressed] Well, a Swedish massage from a real Swedish person! Ha!
Phoebe: [enters the room and slowly closes the door] OK, then I'm Swedish.
Rachel: [Chandler has been left pantsless and handcuffed to Rachel's boss's desk. Rachel has grudgingly agreed to release him] You promise you will never see Joanna again.
Chandler: Never.
Rachel: You will never set foot in this office again.
Chandler: No.
Rachel: You'll give me back my Walkman.
Chandler: I prom... I never borrowed your Walkman.
Rachel: [pause] Well, then I lost it, you buy me one!
Chandler: You got it! Come on!
Rachel: [unlocks cuffs. Chandler rubs wrists where cuffs were] Does it hurt?
Chandler: No, I just see guys doing this when they get cuffs taken off.
[runs over to office door where his pants are hanging]
Chandler: Hello, sweet pants!
Rachel: Wait a minute! How are you going to say you got out?
Chandler: I'll make something up. I'm good at lying. I actually did borrow your Walkman.
Rachel: [after telling him that Phoebe said that there was something wrong with the plane's "fillange"] Sir, what are you doing?
Nervous: I'm getting off this plane. I can't go on a plane if there's something wrong with its "fillange".
Stewardess: Sir, sir! That's OK, this plane doesn't have a "fillange".
Nervous: Oh, my God! This plane doesn't even have a "fillange"!
Monica: Hey, Rach, a guy from Ralph Lauren called. You got a second interview.
Rachel: Monica, that's not funny.
Monica: Oh, OK.
[dancing]
Monica: A guy from Ralph Lauren called you got a second interview.
Rachel: Oh, my God, Monica, you better be serious.
Monica: You just told me to be funny.
Dr. Ross Geller: [as Chandler enters the coffee shop] Hey, Chandler. Saw the new furniture, very nice.
Monica: Yeah, Joey has the best boyfriend ever!
Chandler: I kissed Kathy.
Monica: Oh God, are you serious?
Phoebe: Oh my God, does Joey know?
Chandler: No. Is there any way, any way you think he will understand this?
Monica: You obviously haven't screwed over a lot of your friends.
[Sees Chandler's face]
Monica: Which we all appreciate.
Dr. Ross Geller: You know, the sad thing is if you had told him how you felt before you kissed her, knowing Joey he probably just would've stepped aside.
Chandler: Oh, don't say that. Don't say that. That's not true, is it?
[Group mutters in agreement]
Chandler: Well why didn't you tell me to do that!
Dr. Ross Geller: Well, I said something to Phoebe...
Phoebe: Yeah, no that's right and I thought it was a really good idea.
[Rest of group agrees]
Chandler: [Sitting down] Oh my God! What am I gonna do?
Rachel: Well, Chandler you're gonna have to tell him.
Chandler: Why? Why do I have to tell him?
Rachel: Because you do.
Chandler: Yeah, I know.
Dr. Ross Geller: [Leans towards Chandler] Would it be okay if I wrote a song about this?
Monica: Oh, my God. How cute is the new eye doctor?
Rachel: So cute I'm thinking about jamming this pen in my eye.
Rachel: Joey, you're such an amazing actor. How do you know where Dr. Drake Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins
Joey: Well, with Dr. Drake, they always tell me what to say, and with Joey, I pretty much have to make it up on my own.
Rachel: I thought Joey and I would be OK once we hung out but it's like we don't even know how to be with each other anymore.
Chandler: I know it's tough now, but things will get better.
Rachel: How do you know that? What if it just gets worse and worse and worse to the point where we can't even be in the same room with each other?
Chandler: I'm not great at the advice... Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
Grace: I've got a very rare blood type. I'm AB positive.
Bruce: Well I'm IB positive. I be positive they ain't touching me with no needle.
- Hey.
- Hey, you.
- I can't believe I'm waking up next to you.
- I know. It is pretty unbel...
Rachel: What?
- We're not alone.
Chandler: [monotone] Hi.
Rachel: What's the matter with you?
Chandler: The mean guys at the coffee house took my hat!
Rachel: No?
Joey: You're kiddin'?
Dr. Ross Geller: It was ridiculous. Ya know, these guys, they were bullies, actual bullies. We're grown ups, this kinda stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore.
Rachel: Hi.
Dr. Ross Geller: Hi.
[they both hug]
Chandler: Ohhh
[he turns as if to hug someone]
Chandler: Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one.
Jill: You can't tell me what to do!
Rachel: I'm not. I'm telling you what not to do!
Rachel: Some people make deals with a friend - like if neither of them are married by the time they're 40, they marry each other.
Phoebe: You mean a backup.
Rachel: Yeah - exactly.
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah; I've got that.
Phoebe: You do? Who?
Phoebe: Joey.
Rachel: Joey? Are you serious?
Phoebe: Yeah; I locked him in years ago.
Rachel: Wait - so if neither of you are married by the time you're 40, you're gonna marry Joey?
Phoebe: Yeah, we shook on it... but believe me, that is not how he wanted to seal the deal.
Joey: [Joey thinks Phoebe has been acting in porno videos] A guy in the coffee shop told me he was a fan of Phoebe's. I thought he was talking about her singing, but he claims she's a porn star. So I went to the adult video store, and picked this up.
Ross: [taking the video] Let me see that. "Buffay the Vampire Layer", starring Phoebe Buffay. Alright - let's check it out!
Joey: Guys, Phoebe is our friend. I refuse to watch this!
[Joey goes over and sits at the table with his back to the TV]
Ross: Wow! I didn't know Pheebs had that particular talent.
Rachel: Wait a minute - Phoebe doesn't have a tattoo on her ankle! My God, that's Ursula!
Joey: [jumping up and turning around] Ursula? Alright! Run it back! Run it back!
Ross: Boy, Phoebe is going to be pissed. Why is Ursula using Phoebe's name?
Phoebe: [coming in the apartment] Hi, everybody - what are you...
Phoebe: [screams and points at the TV] Ahhhhhhh! What am I doing?
- Woman: You have to take your seat.
Rachel: Oh, please, miss.
- You don't understand.
- Try to understand!
- Come on, miss, isn't there any way that you can just let me off the...?
- Oh, my god. Did she get off the plane?
- Did she get off the plane?
Rachel: I got off the plane.
Monica: Chandler, this is my cousin Maureen.
Chandler: We're the Bings!
Rachel: [to Monica and Chandler] Hi! Aww, you guys look so beautiful!
Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Bing!
Rachel: You know what, Bare, I'm not gonna leave, because I promised myself I'd make it through at least one of your weddings.
- Well, it's not.
Rachel: What? Maybe I put it in here?
- Oh! Oh, it's not in there!
- Oh, no, I must have packed it in one of these boxes!
- Here, let me help you.
- Shoot.
- I can't believe I did this.
- At what point did it stop being funny that I took her passport?
Chandler: [about Joey's cameo in a porn movie] What's this in my pocket? It's Joey's porn video!
Rachel: C'mon guys; let's not watch it. Porn is degrading to women and degrading to females and... help me out, Monica.
Monica: Are you kidding? I want to see Joey!
Chandler: [the porn video takes place in an office] *That* is the damnedest typing test I have ever seen.
Rachel: Wow, I hope she gets the job.
Ross: I'd say he is the one getting *the job*.
Phoebe: [Pretending she just won an award] It's just so unexpected, I... Well, I'll tell you, it's such an honour to just being nominated for a Nobel Prize, and you know, to win one for a massage. Specially after having just won a Tony Award for best actress in...
Rachel: Honey, we have to go, our reservation's at eight.
Rachel: In Reservations At Eight, by Neil Simon. Thank you Neil, thank you for the words.
Rachel: Ok, honey, you can finish this later or we're gonna be late, we gotta to go.
Phoebe: Please don't play the music, I just have one more thing. Live from New York, is Saturday Night!
Todd: Oh, great, Rose. Glad I caught you. Um, I wanted to go over a couple of minor policy changes that we have here at the club.
Rose: Like what?
Todd: Like, I want you to start having sex with the customers for money.
Rose: What? That's totally illegal, Todd.
Todd: Come on. What are you gonna do? Besides, I gotta stay competitive with those fuckers who just opened up across the street.
Rose: You mean the Apple store?
Todd: Yeah! And they're killing us!
Rose: Oh, God. That's it. I can't do it. I quit.
Kymberly: [Enters] Did you hear the good news? Now we get to fuck the customers for money!
[Squeals]
Rose: [Dumbfounded] Wha...
Todd: Boner Garage loves it.
Rose: I'm out of here. I am out of here. I quit.
Monica: Open your eyes.
Rachel: They are.
[Rachel's eyes are closed]
Monica: How many fingers am I holding up?
Rachel: Four.
Monica: Oh, my God. I was thinking four.
Rachel: Really?
Monica: OK, now this is just practice. One... two... three.
[Rachel quickly jerks her head to avoid the eyedrops]
Monica: My pillow's all wet.
Rachel: Well, you said it was practice.
Monica: Then why did you move your head?
Rachel: Because I knew you were lying.
Ross: This can't be it.
Rachel: ...then how come it is?
Joey: I can pass for 19, right?
Chandler: Yes, you can pass for 19.
Joey: Really?
Chandler: Yes.
Joey: Seriously.
Chandler: Seriously? Seriously, no, okay? You can play your own age, which is 31.
Joey: [gasps] I'm 30.
Rachel: Joey, you are not; you're 31.
Joey: Aw, crap.
Chandler: That's the magical story you use when you want to have sex!
Rachel: How do you know about that story?
Joey: How do you know about that story?
Rachel: I heard it from my friend Irene who heard it from some guy.
Joey: [raising his hand and pointing to himself] Some guy!
Rachel: No, she told me his name was Ken Adams.
Joey: [raising his hand again] Ken Adams.
[Rachel is nervous about leaving Emma alone in the apartment for a few minutes]
Rachel: What if she jumped out the basinet?
Ross: Can't hold her own head up, but yeah, jumped.
Rachel: Oh my God, I left the water running.
Ross: Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay?
Rachel: Ah, did I leave the stove on?
Ross: You haven't cooked since 1996.
Rachel: Is the window open? Because if there's a window open, a bird could fly in there.
Ross: Oh my god, you know what, yeah, I think you're right. I think... listen, listen.
Rachel: Huh?
Ross: A pigeon, a pigeon. No, no wait, no, no, an eagle flew in. Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues it as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird still ablaze are locked in a death grip, swirling around in the whirlpool that fills the apartment.
Rachel: Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true.
Dr. Ross Geller: I don't get a good-bye?
Rachel: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: Everyone gets a good-bye, but me? What do I got to do to get a good-bye? Huh? Uh, be best friends with you? Uh, go out with you? Have - have a baby with you? Oh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! I *did* all those things!
Rachel: Ross...
Dr. Ross Geller: Or no, maybe, maybe I'm just not giving you enough credit! Uh, I mean it *is* difficult to say "good-bye" to five people. Uh, "good-bye", "good-bye", "good-bye", "good-bye", "goo - guh - guh", it's physically impossible!
[pause]
Dr. Ross Geller: You know, after all we've been through, I can't believe *this* is how you want to leave things between us. Have a, have a good time in Paris.
[leaves]
Rachel: You know what else is really great about him? Oh, what is the word for an adult who doesn't have dinosaur toys in their bedroom?
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh...
[knocks his fists together at Rachel]
Rachel: What was that?
Dr. Ross Geller: Monica knows.
Monica: It's this dumb thing that Ross made up just to try to fool our parents. It's a way of giving the finger without actually having to give it.
[to Ross]
Monica: I remember I cried the night you made that up. It was the first time I realized I was cooler than my big brother.
Dr. Ross Geller: Well, I'm gonna go get ready...
[knocks his fists at Monica]
Rachel: [Rachel told Ross she had feelings for him right before he went off to buy a cat with his girlfriend. Ross enters suddenly, making Rachel jump] Oh! Hi.
Ross: I didn't get a cat.
Rachel: Oh, that's... interesting...
Ross: No it's not interesting. It's very very not interesting. It's actually 100% the opposite of interesting, it's...
Rachel: OK, I got it Ross.
Joey: They're killing off one of the characters on the show - and when she dies, her brain is being transplanted into my body.
Dr. Ross Geller: What? A brain transplant? It's ridiculous!
Joey: I think it's ridiculous you haven't had sex in 3 1/2 months.
Dr. Ross Geller: ...It's winter; there are fewer people on the street.
Monica: Who are they killing off?
Joey: Cecelia Monroe; she plays Jessica Lockhart.
Monica: Noooooo!
Rachel: She is so good at throwing drinks in people's faces - I mean, I don't think I've ever seen her finish a beverage.
Phoebe: [annoyed that Rachel found out she worked at the Spa] How can you come here?
Rachel: [annoyed] How could you not tell me you worked here?
Phoebe: [defensively] I don't have to tell you everything!
Rachel: Yes you do if you're gonna make me feel guilty for getting a free massage!
Phoebe: Tip's not included.
Rachel: [hits the bed in frustration] Oh!
Phoebe: Hi.
Monica,8061: Hey!
Phoebe: Listen - you have to help me pick a dress, 'cause I'm meeting Mike's parents tonight!
Monica: Wow - the boyfriend's parents; that's a big step.
Phoebe: [sarcastically] Really? That hadn't occurred to me.
Monica: Sweetie, they're gonna love you. Just be yourself.
Phoebe: They live on the Upper East Side on Park Avenue!
Rachel: Oh, yeah - she can't be herself...
Phoebe: Alright - so, which dress?
[shows them two dresses]
Phoebe: [they don't comment for a few seconds] ... You can say neither.
Monica,8061: Oh, god - neither!
Monica: I'm sorry, honey - we're gonna take you shopping; it's gonna be fine.
Rachel: Yeah, totally - you are in such good hands, and I am so good with meeting parents. With the father, you know, you wanna flirt a little bit - but not in a gross way. Just kind of, like, "Oh, Mr. Pinser! I can see where Wallace gets his good looks from."
Monica: You went out with Wallace Pinser?
Rachel: Ah, he took the SATs for me.
Monica: I knew you didn't get a 1400!
Rachel: [scoffs] Well, duh!
Monica: Danny Orshack 9th grade, oh come on Rach, you know the bottle was totally pointing at me.
Rachel: Only because you took up half the circle.
Rachel: [impatiently walks over to Joey] That's it! Just give 'em to me and I'll split them up!
[Rachel pinches Joey and takes the bowl from him, but Phoebe suddenly screams, takes the bowl from Rachel and starts running]
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Phoebe] Hey! Hey!
[Phoebe screams at Ross, who puts his fingers in his ears as she runs past him and stops near the window next to the secret closet]
Phoebe: [exasperated] I can't take it anymore! I'm putting an end to this!
[Phoebe runs to the window]
Rachel: [calls] OK! If she jumps, I get her tickets!
[Phoebe climbs though the open window onto the balcony as the friends run to the window]
Phoebe: If we're not doing this together, we're not doing it at all! Say goodbye to your tickets.
[Phoebe holds the bowl over the side of the balcony]
Monica: [stuck in the open window] No! No! No! No!
Phoebe: [warning] Do not come any closer!
Chandler: Can I come a little bit closer? Valuable things are getting squished.
Phoebe: [very firmly] Now what's more important? Your friends or money?
Rachel: Friends!
Monica: Money!
[everyone looks at Monica]
Monica: [trying to look innocent] Friends.
Joey: The ring fell on the floor and I went down to pick it up, and you thought I was proposing.
Rachel: Yeah, but you said 'will you marry me'.
Joey: No, I didn't.
Rachel: Yes, you did!
Joey: No, I didn't.
Rachel: Yes, you did! Oh, my god, you didn't.
Rachel: I wonder why Ross said that he died?
Monica: Oh, maybe he was getting him confused with his childhood therapist.
Chandler: He saw a therapist?
Monica: Hmmm-mm. Yeah, he used to have this recurring nightmare. Just really freaked him out.
Rachel: Why? What was it?
Monica: That I was going to eat him.
Rachel: Who's George Snuffalopagus?
Phoebe: Big Bird's friend.
Rachel: [to the judge] Do you see? Do you see what you're keeping me married to?
Judge: You need to get out of my chambers.
Rachel: All right, look lady, here is the deal: I came here for an annulment, and I am not leaving here until I get one!
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah!
Judge: Would you like to spend the night in jail?
Rachel: Thank you for your time.
[Rachel and Ross leave hurriedly]
Rachel: Oh, that's nice.
- Ross.
- Oh, fresh air.
Rachel: Cover for me.
Phoebe: Maybe you overreacted.
Rachel: We gotta do something.
- Joey won't make it, so I'll look around for other weddings.
- Don't tell them Monica's pregnant, because they frown on that.
- Okay.
Chandler: [on the phone] Hi Janice, hold on
[puts the phone to his chest]
Chandler: what do I do?
Rachel: I don't know
Monica: If we did, what you did, no man would ever call us again, act like you just woke up, be sleepy
Rachel: And grumpy
Chandler: Stop naming dwarfs!
Phoebe: So, Rachel, this is a traditional English trifle?
Rachel: Yes it is.
Phoebe: So did you make it with beef or eggplant?
Rachel: Beef.
Phoebe: I can't have any. You know I don't eat meat. Awe.
[Phoebe gets up and walks away smirking]
Rachel: [introducing her cat] Check it out.
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, my God. What is it?
Joey: What the hell is that?
Rachel: It's a cat.
Joey: That is not a cat.
Rachel: Yes, it is!
Dr. Ross Geller: Why is it inside out?
Rachel: Excuse me, but this is a purebred, show-quality sphinx cat!
Rachel: Monica, I couldn't find him for two hours because he was in the bathroom having sex with Amy Welsh.
Monica: Come on. That was back in high school. How could that still bother you?
Rachel: Oh, yeah you're right, Moni-Cow.
Monica: OK, I hear you.
Rachel: I just bought something.
Rachel: [referring to Monica] I'm not sure she is gonna like it, and it's gonna seem a little crazy, but this is something I've wanted since I was a little girl.
Dr. Ross Geller: You bought Shaun Cassidy!
Rachel: No - I wish!
Rachel: Oh, wow.
- Oh, gosh.
- Oh, these are cookies smashed in the sports section.
- And he did my crossword puzzle.
- Yeah, but not very well, unless 14 across, "gershwin musical"...
- Actually is "bite me, bite me, bite me."
Joey: Hey, what do you got there?
Rachel: [wanting to keep the cheesecake to herself] Oh - it's, um... it's tofu cake. You want some?
Joey: [disgusted] Ngyaah!
Rachel: So umm, how - how are we gonna mess with them?
Phoebe: Well, you could use your position, y'know, as the roommate.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: And then I would use, y'know, the strongest tool at my disposal: my sexuality.
Joey: [Chandler has just told Joey and Ross that he plans to ask Monica to marry him] I think I'm gonna cry!
Rachel: [entering] Ugh! No more crying - please! I just dumped one crybaby - I'll dump you, too!
[Rachel, Phoebe and Chandler are looking for Monica's Christmas presents]
Phoebe: [finds a bag under the couch]
Phoebe: Oh! We have a large one!
Rachel: It's a Macy's bag!
Phoebe: [turns it over and an old shoe falls out]
Phoebe: Ooh! Who's it for?
Rachel: [reads note attached to shoe] "Dear losers, do you really think I would hide presents under the couch? P.S. Chandler, I knew they'd break you."
Phoebe: Uh oh. I think she may be on to us.
Joey: [wearing a shoulderbag] It is odd how a woman's purse looks so good on me, a man.
Rachel: Exactly! Unisex.
Joey: Maybe *you* need sex. I had sex a couple days ago.
Rachel: No, no, Joey. U-N-I-sex.
Joey: Well, ain't gonna say no to that.
Rachel: I don't want my baby's first words to be "How You Doing"
Rachel: [Joey comes home from a date] Oh, thank God you're home. I'm watching Cujo.
Joey: [surprised] Alone?
Rachel: Yes... *What* is wrong with this dog?
Joey: Hey, did you get to the part where they're trapped in the car, and Cujo's throwin' himself at the windshield?
Rachel: No... seriously, what's wrong with this dog?
Rachel: Guess what, guess what?
Chandler: Let's see, the fifth dentist caved, now they all recommend trident?
Ross: I know something that will cheer you up, guess whose middle name is Muriel?
Rachel: OH MY GOD. Chandler M. Bing.
[after Monica gets a disastrous haircut]
Ross: How's Monica?
Phoebe: She's calmed down a bit. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.
Ross: How's the hair?
Phoebe: I'm not gonna lie to you, Ross - it doesn't look good.
Joey: Can we see her?
Phoebe: No, your hair looks too good; I think it would only upset her.
Rachel: Oh.
Phoebe: Ross, you can go on in.
Joey: [Right after Chandler kiss Monica, Rachel and Phoebe] What the hell was that?
Monica: Probably some, you know, European goodbye thing he picked up in London, I don't know.
Rachel: What? That's not European.
Phoebe: Well, it felt French.
Joey: [talking about Mr Treeger] The Guy made Rachel cry.
Monica: Rachel always cries.
Rachel: [crying] That is not true.
[Knock at the door - it's Rachel's sister, Jill]
Rachel: Oh my God, Jill.
Jill: Oh my God, Rachel.
Chandler: Oh my God, introduce us.
Rachel: [Talking about the list of celebrities] Well, I don't know, I guess Chris O'Donell, John F. Kennedy Jr., Daniel Day Lewis, Sting and Parker Stevenson.
Dr. Ross Geller: Spider Man?
Rachel: Hardy Boy.
Chandler: Peter Parker.
Dr. Ross Geller: Thank you!
Rachel: All right, all right, all right. Last night, I had a dream that, uh... you and I were, uh...
Phoebe: Doing it on this table!
Chandler: Wow!
Joey: Excellent dream score!
Rachel: [in a childish, nasal voice] Ooh, Julie's so smart, Julie's so special!
[normal voice]
Rachel: What, does she go put an outfit on at night and go out and fight crime?
Monica: Look, honey, I wanted you to hook up with Ross as much as you did. But he's with her now. You're just going to have to get over it.
Rachel: Oh! I'm gonna have to get over it! See, I didn't know that's what I have to do! I just have to get over it! Oh, I'm gonna have to write that down on my hand.
- What do you mean?
- Smell familiar?
Mindy: Oh, no.
Rachel: Mm-hm.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, no, me. I am so sorry.
- No, I am sorry. I'm sorry.
Rachel: [as Joey starts to conduct a wedding ceremony against Dina and Bobby's will in the apartment] Joey, this is crazy!
Joey: Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to God!
Monica: [Rachel is decorating a dessert with marshmallows] Um, Rachel, you want to put the marshmallows in *concentric* circles.
Rachel: No, Mon, *you* want to put them in concentric circles. *I* want to do this.
[sticks a marshmallow up one of Monica's nostrils]
Monica: [to Phoebe] Every year.
Rachel: Excuse me? Can I help you with anything?
Steve: You know, I don't know what I'm looking for.
[Rachel tries to get Monica's attention to tell her Steve is stoned. She pretends to drag on a joint, and Monica thinks she's giving her the 'OK' signal. Then Rachel does it again, inhaling deeply this time. Monica waves it off as though she doesn't believe it]
Steve: Ah, cool! Taco shells! You know, these are... they're like a little corn envelope
Monica: [She takes away the taco shells] You know that? You don't want to spoil your appetite.
Steve: Hey! Sugar-O's!
[He grabs the cereal box]
Monica: You know, if you just wait another six and a half minutes.
Steve: Macaroni and cheese! We gotta make this!
Monica: [She reaches for the box] No, we don't.
Steve: Oh, OK.
[he drops the box on the floor]
Steve: Oh, sorry.
[When she bends down to pick it up he grabs a package of Gummi-bears from the cabinet]
Monica: Why don't you just have a seat here?
[he sits at the table, then tries to secretly eat the Gummi-bears. Monica spots him]
Monica: Okay. Give me the Gummi-bears.
Steve: No.
Monica: Give them to me.
Steve: Alright, we'll share.
Monica: No, give me the...
Steve: Well then you can't have any.
[she grabs for the package, and it breaks open. Gummi-bears fly everywhere, some into the punch bowl on the table]
Steve: Man overboard! I think he's drowning.
[he throws some Sugar-O's into the punch bowl]
Steve: Hey fellows! Grab on a Sugar-O. Save yourself!
[Rachel is telling a story of how she once kissed another girl and Phoebe doesn't believe her]
Phoebe: Okay it just seems a little wild and you're so... vanilla.
Rachel: Vanilla? I'm not vanilla. I've done lots of crazy things. I mean I got drunk and married in Vegas.
Phoebe: To Ross.
Rachel: [entering the Spa Reception] Hi there.
Spa: [politely] Hello. Welcome to Lavender Day Spa. How may I help you?
Rachel: [impressed] Oh. Um, hi. I'm uh, I have a massage appointment under Rachel Green.
[Rachel reaches into her bag and takes out the taped together Gift Certificate]
Spa: OK.
Rachel: And here is my... Gift Certificate.
[Rachel hands the certificate over to the Spa Receptionist]
Spa: [examines the certificate] This has been torn up.
Rachel: [points out] And... taped back together.
Spa: [politely] OK. Well, I'll call you as soon as your Massage Therapist is ready.
Rachel: [turning to leave] OK.
Spa: [politely] Have a seat through the glass doors.
Rachel: [indicates the glass doors] Through the glass doors?
Spa: [well spoken with a smile] Through the glass doors.
Rachel: [gladly] Alrighty then.
Rachel: Hey, do you guys know what you're doing for New Year's?
[They all hit her with pillows]
Rachel: Gee, what? What is wrong with New Year's?
Chandler: Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You don't have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can have someone to kiss when the ball drops! Man, I'm talking loud!
Rachel: Well, for your information, Paolo is gonna be in Rome this New Year, so I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you
Phoebe: Yeah, you wish!
Todd: Hey, Rose, I know you're
[air-quotes]
Todd: "technically" on break, but I need a lap dance. Table five. Just don't get too close. The guy has two hook-hands.
Rose: [sighs] How did we let that guy back in here?
Todd: I don't know. He must've picked the locks.
[Chuckles]
Melissa: [In awe] Oh my god, Ray Ray Green?
[Starts screaming]
Rachel: [Screaming too] Melissa!
[They hug]
Melissa: You have been M.I.A for the past seven sorority newsletters, what's up with you?
Rachel: [Embarassed] Why don't I tell you over here?
[They move far from the other friends]
Melissa: So, last I heard, you were gonna get married
[Takes Rachel's hand but sees no ring]
Melissa: Oh, poor Ray Ray.
Rachel: Oh no, no. That's good, it's all good. I actually work at Ralph Lauren.
Melissa: Shut up!
Rachel: I will not! I'm the divisional head of men's sportswear.
Melissa: Oh, shut up more! Are you friends with Ralph?
Rachel: Oh, please.
Melissa: Are you?
Rachel: No.
Melissa: Listen, we have to have dinner, what are you doing tomorrow night?
Rachel: Oh, tomorrow, I don't know.
Melissa: You do now, you're having dinner with me.
Rachel: Shut up!
[after Chandler finds out that Monica still flirts with other men even though they're together]
Monica: Chandler, this actually bothers you?
Chandler: Yes, it does bother me. And I think it would bother a lot of people. Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women?
Rachel: Uh, no, no; it bothered me when he *slept* with other women.
Rachel: [Rachel enters] I just dropped Emma off at my mother's.
Joey: You're not taking her with you?
Rachel: [Referring to Ross] No, we decided I'd go first and set everything up and my mom would bring Emma on Sunday.
Phoebe: Wow eight hour flight a one year old? Good luck, mom.
Rachel: Are you kidding? Eight hour flight with my mom talking about Atkins? Good luck, Emma.
Kenny: FUCK! Oh, my God. I'm gonna die
Rose: Tell us what happened.
Kenny: A fucking sipder bit me, David. It bit me on my balls, on my fucking balls!
Rose: Oh God. Let me see it, Kenny, let me see it.
Kenny: No fucking way, you're not seeing it.
Rose: Come on. I can't help you unless you show it to me. Sweetie just show it to me.
David: Kenny, will you just man up and drop your pants?
Casey: We've all seen a dick!
Phoebe: Oh god, remember the girls' nights we used to have? Sitting aroung talking about you and Ross?
Rachel: Oh god, it seems like forever ago!
Phoebe: I know. So what's going on with you and Ross?
Rachel: Well, uhm. I don't know. I mean, for a long time nothing. But actually, right before you picked me up, Ross and I had a little thing.
Phoebe: Oh my god, I love things, what happened?
Rachel: Well, first he told me he liked how i looked and the we had a little... eye contact.
Phoebe: Eye contact? I hope you were using protection.
Rachel: Oh, don't get that here. Now that you know what you want, you should go to this discount store. This place is so overpriced.
Store: I own this store.
Rachel: So, does this come in a different color or...
Rachel: Today, it's like there's rock bottom 50 feet of crap then me.
Joey: Let's play one more time, okay? And remember if I win, you do not move to Paris.
Rachel: Okay, can't believe I'm risking this again, but you are on! Alright Joey you remember the rules, heads I win tails you lose!
Joey: Just flip!
Rachel: Ah! Tails!
Joey: Damn it!
Russ: Hey, you listen.
Ross: No, no, let me finish.
Russ: No, let me finish.
Ross: No, you let me fini...
[Rachel walks up behind them]
Ross: Hi.
Russ: Hi.
Rachel: Ew. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!
[turns away]
Rachel: Well, it was about half an hour before the wedding and I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents and someone had bought us this beautiful Limoges gravy boat. And I realized I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry. And that's when it hit me how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head!
Nick: Will you stop questioning everything I do?
Audrey: Well, everything you do is questionable.
Rachel: You know, Joey, I could teach you to sail, if you want.
Joey: You could?
Rachel: Yeah! I've been sailing my whole life. When I was fifteen, my dad bought me my own boat.
Phoebe: Your own boat?
Rachel: What? What? He was trying to cheer me up! My pony was sick.
Ross: I don't believe this, she could be giving birth in a cab!
Rachel: Oh Ross, relax. It's probably like $2 for the first contraction and then 50 cents each additional contraction.
[Ross glares at her]
Rachel: What? It's okay when Chandler does it?
Chandler: You have to pick your moments.
Rachel: I had a baby.
Amy: I decorated dad's office.
Rachel: Ah yeah. Well unless you pushed a desk out of your vagina, not the same thing.
Gigi: I think I've figured it out. Remember when I went out with that notary public and he cheated on me and then Anastasia from upstairs told me about how her boyfriend cheated on her in the beginning then he totally changed and now they're married and crazy in love?
Beth: I thought that guy was a process server.
Gigi: No notary. Anyway my point is, Anastasia is the exception, not the rule. We have to stop listening to these stories because they rule is most guys who cheat on you up front don't really care about you very much.
Janine: Ok.
Gigi: Ok, Ok. Exhibit A. Chad the drummer who lived in a storage space. He only used me for rides and yet I continued to stalk him for most of 1998. Then oh, um, there was Don, that broke up with me every Friday so that he could have his weekends free. I was delusional about that relationship. I used to refer to him as my husband to random people, like my dental hygienist. Anyway, all my friends used to tell me about how things might work out with these dipsticks because they knew someone, who knew someone, who dated a dipstick just like mine. That girl ended up getting married and living happily ever after. That the exception and we're not the exception we're the rule.
Rachel: Hey, Joe, would you mind going over into Chandler's bedroom and get me that book back that he borrowed from me?
Joey: [Suspicious] Now? You want me to go over there now? I don't...
[Rachel approaches him suspicious too]
Joey: Do you know something?
Rachel: Do you know something?
Joey: I might know something.
Rachel: I might know something too.
Joey: What's the thing you know?
Rachel: Oh no, I can't tell you until you tell me what you know.
Joey: I can't tell you what I know.
Rachel: Well, then I can't tell you what I know.
Joey: Ok, fine.
[They stare each other in silence]
Joey: You don't know!
Rachel: Alright, how about I go over there, and I will walk into Chandler's bedroom and I will see if the thing that I think that I know is actually the thing that I think that I know!
Phoebe: What is this? What's going on?
Joey: Oh good, can I tell her? Can I tell her?
Rachel: Well do you want to hear what actually happened or Joey's lewd version.
Phoebe: Joey's.
Rachel: So what did you do that made Dad cut you off?
Jill: Ok, I bought a boat.
Monica: You bought a boat?
Jill: Yeah, but it wasn't for me, it was for a friend.
Chandler: Boy, did *we* make friends with the wrong sister.
Rachel: You guys, it was bananas, cream and beef. I just cannot believe that you ate that so that I wouldn't feel bad.
Monica: Actually, I didn't eat mine. It's still in the bathroom.
Joey: No, it isn't. I ate that.
Judy: Oh, we left ours in Monica's bedroom.
Joey: Nope, got it, and got yours, too!
Rachel: Whoa, hold on there, Mr Kissy.
Rachel: I mean, the way you owned up to everything it just... proved how much you had grown, you know? I mean my mom never thought this would work out. She was like: "Once a cheater, always a cheater."
Ross: [getting angrier and angrier] Mm hm.
Rachel: Oh. I just wish we hadn't lost these last four months.
Rachel: [taps Ross's face] But if time was what was needed to gain a little perspective.
Ross: [unable to restrain himself any longer, he screams] WE. WERE. ON. A. BREEEAAAK!
Rachel: [painting Monica's fingernails] All done!
Monica: Thank you.
Rachel: [looks around the room] OK! Who's next?
[Rachel eyes Ross]
Dr. Ross Geller: [trying not to laugh but definite] No!
[Rachel shows big eyes as if to say, "Please?"]
Dr. Ross Geller: [trying not laugh] No way!
Rachel: [desparate] Come on please? I'm bored! You let me do it once before.
[Ross reacts and looks at Joey, who looks at Chandler as if to say, "When was this?" and Chandler's expression implies, "Don't look at me."]
Dr. Ross Geller: [looks at Rachel with a simple tone] Yeah well if er... if *that's* the rule this weekend...
[Rachel gets up and approaches Ross]
Dr. Ross Geller: [at the same time as Rachel] No. Get away. Stay... No. No!
Rachel: [at the same time as Ross] Yeah. Come on. Take it like a man Ross. Come on. Oh, come on.
[Ross gets up, runs around the room and Rachel chases him and he accidentally flattens one of Chandler's sandcastles as he runs by]
Chandler: [very annoyed] Big bullies!
[Ross jumps on the sofa, Rachel jumps on top of him, they hold each other off but stop and look in each others' eyes]
Phoebe: [enters the beach house and puts down her umbrella] Hey! So how are we doing?
Chandler: [as Ross and Rachel get up] Bored and bored.
Joey: [grinning] Hey! You know what naked card game's never boring?
Rachel: No!
Joey: Rach, you gotta find out if he's in the same place you are. Otherwise, it's just a moo point.
Rachel: A moo point?
Joey: Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo.
Rachel: Have I been living with him too long or did that all just make sense?
Rachel: ...How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?
Dr: Three.
Ross: Just three? I'm dilated three!
Devlin: So, where's Danny?
Katherine: [pause] Devlin, Danny is at his wedding.
Devlin: Come again?
Katherine: I was never married to him. All a big lie I made up.
Devlin: Why?
Katherine: Because I couldn't stand the thought of you knowing the truth.
Devlin: Really?
Katherine: So, yeah. I'm a single mother. I have two kids I love more than anything in the world. I drive a Honda, I still have dial-up internet. I got a 2.7 GPA in college, not a 3.4. And while I'm at it telling the truth, I name my kids' poop after you. And I work for Danny. I'm his assistant. That's it.
Devlin: Really? I would never have guessed this. I mean, you two had a real connection.
Katherine: He's great, he's the greatest guy, and I might even be in love with him, but it really doesn't matter at this moment because he is getting married to another person, right now.
Devlin: [pause] Ian and I are breaking up.
Katherine: What? What happened?
Devlin: Well for starters, he's gay. I mean look at him
Ian: [with a group of sailors] That's a strong muscle, right there. I'm squeezin'.
Katherine: Devlin, I gotta tell you, last night, with the ass grab of the coconut, little bit of a red flag.
Devlin: I've seen him do that with the soap.
Katherine: Oh! What about the iPod?
Devlin: He didn't invent shit. He made his money suing the Dodgers after he got hit by a foul ball.
Katherine: [laughs] Oh God! So what?
Devlin: Well, this is different?
Katherine: Yeah, I mean, why didn't we try this truth telling thing before?
Devlin: I don't know.
[They hug. Devlin sees Danny behind Katherine]
Danny: Aww, that's nice. It's nice to tell the truth. The truth is fun, isn't it? Like were you telling the truth when you said you might be in love with me?
Devlin: I'm gonna leave you two. Gotta go get a divorce.
Rachel: What about you Joe, what would you give up, sex or food?
Joey: Uhh... ooh... uhh...
[thinks really hard]
Joey: I don't know, it's too hard!
Rachel: No, you gotta pick one!
Joey: [sighs] Uhh, food... no, sex! Food! Sex! Food! Se- I dunno, oh god I want both! I want... I want girls on bread!
Beth: Am I... will I be Al Pacino in this scenario?
Joey: Ok, for next time, what do you say?
Rachel: I have an extra ticket, an extra ticket, not two tickets. I have an extra ticket.
Dr. Ross Geller: So the first time you asked a guy out he turned you down?
Rachel: He didn't turn me down. He's at the game isn't he? I got the date, I'm just not on it.
Rachel: You're a pathetic loser, right?
Chandler: Oh yeah
Rachel: Hey, Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp.
Chandler: Neat. I'm gonna die alone.
Rachel: Okay, you win.
Rachel: Can you take care of Emma just for today?
Ross: Sure, just lend me your breasts and we'll be on our way.
Rachel: What should we do for the theme?
Phoebe: Lusts of the Flesh!
Phoebe: [looking at the menu at the restaurant] Wow, look at these prices.
Rachel: Yeah, these are pretty cha-ching.
Joey: I know. What are these, like famous chickens?
[Rachel is on a plane to London, next to an English gentleman. She is drumming very annoyingly on a magazine in her lap]
The Gentleman on the Plane: Uh... uh... excuse me?
Rachel: Yeah?
The Gentleman on the Plane: If you're planning on doing that throughout the entire flight, please tell me now, so that I can take a sedative. Or perhaps slip you one.
Chandler: What about you? You liked me when we first met right?
Rachel: Chandler I'm not gonna lie to you... but I am going to run away from you.
Rachel: The sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler, the sooner this is all over and out in the open.
Joey: Ooh, I like that. Oh! Ok, show him your bra. He's afraid of bras, can't work 'em.
[Joey unbuttons Phoebe's sweater with one finger]
Phoebe: Wow, you didn't rip off any buttons.
Joey: It's not my first time.
Rachel: God, could you believe what a jerk Ross was being?
Monica: Oh I know he can get really competitive.
Phoebe: [laughs]
Monica: What?
Phoebe: [pretends to pick up a phone] Hello kettle? This is Monica. You're black!
Rachel: [on the pregnancy test] I can't - I can't look at it. Somebody else tell me, please.
Phoebe: [looks at the pregnancy test] It's negative.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: It's negative.
Rachel: Oh. Well, there you go. Phew. That's great. That is really, really great news. You know? Because the whole not-being-ready and financial aspects - all that stuff. This is all just the way it's supposed to be.
Monica: [solemnly] Well, then great.
[Phoebe hands Rachel a tissue, and Rachel starts crying]
Rachel: Thanks. God, this is so stupid. How can I be upset over something I never had?... It's negative?
Phoebe: No, it's positive.
[Monica and Rachel are stunned]
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: It's not negative; it's positive.
Rachel: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Well, yeah - I lied before.
[Rachel looks at the pregnancy test]
Phoebe: Now you know how you really feel about it.
Rachel: Oh, that's a risky little game.
Monica: Are you really going to do this?
Rachel: Yeah. I'm going to have a baby. I'm going to have a baby. I'm going to have a baby!
[the three of them hug]
Phoebe: With who?
Rachel: Aw, it's still not the time.
[first lines]
Monica: [playing game] Phoebe?
Phoebe: Okay, okay. If I was omnipotent for a day, I'd want, uh, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain forest. And bigger boobs!
Ross: Oh. So you took mine! Chandler, how about you?
Chandler: Uh, if I was omnipotent for a day, I'd make myself omnipotent forever.
Rachel: [smirks] See? There's always one guy. "If I had a wish, I'd wish for three more wishes."
Rachel: [Chandler has been left pantsless and handcuffed to the desk by Rachel's boss] You know what, Chandler? You got yourself into those 'cuffs, you get yourself out.
Chandler: I can't! You must have me confused with "The Amazing Chandler!"
[Ross has just gotten his teeth whitened]
Dr. Ross Geller: Hey, Rachel, did you notice...
Rachel: Your teeth? Yeah, I saw them from outside.
Joey: It's a scary world out there, especially for a single mom. I've always felt that we have this "special bond". Rachel Green, will you marry me?
Rachel: What?
Monica: What?
Phoebe: WHAT!
Rachel: Wow! This is so... great! Look at all these... cups! This is so weird.
Phoebe: [comes over, smiling] I was in charge of cups.
Rachel: [gladly] Oh, OK. *Not* so weird.
[they giggle]
Monica: So what's Phoebe like?
Phoebe: [thinks Monica is talking about her and tries to sound polite] I'm kind, caring and sweet. What's Monica like?
[Monica realises how unclear her question was]
Monica: Uh no. The *other* Phoebe. The one you went to go see?
Phoebe: [suddenly cheerful] Oh! I think she knows where my Dad is!
Joey: What?
Chandler: [almost at the same time as Joey] Cool!
Rachel: [almost at the same time as Ross and Chandler] Really?
Monica: Well where is he?
Phoebe: She was actually - she was pretending like she hadn't heard from him in years, but I found this picture on her fridge, and look! Isn't this what he would look like now?
[Phoebe takes a picture out of her pocket and shows it to her friends]
Monica: [gasps] Totally familiar.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Dr. Ross Geller,8061: [one after the other as they look at they look at the picture] Oh yeah!
Monica: But why would she lie to you?
Phoebe: [Rachel offers her the picture and Phoebe takes it] I don't know, but we're having dinner tomorrow night so I figured, she's gonna tell me *then*. You know, maybe she'll want to give him time to... buy me presents.
[the friends agree and Phoebe puts the picture in her pocket]
Phoebe: [happily] So, you're all bored?
Dr. Ross Geller,8061: [almost in unison] Awww.
Chandler: Yes.
Phoebe: [happily] All right. I'm gonna close my eyes and point to someone and whoever I point to has to come up with something fun for us to do and we *have* to do it!
Joey: [hyped up] OK! All right! Fan out! Fan out!
[the friends spread out]
Phoebe: [happily] OK.
[Phoebe closes her eyes and spins round pointing with her right hand]
Phoebe: [enjoying herself] Ooh! You know, we could just do this!
[Phoebe stops spinning and opens her eyes and sees that she's point at Chandler]
Chandler: [unsure] OK. Um... we all have to... play Strip Poker.
Joey: [overjoyed] AH YES!
Rachel: You are so in style right now. You know, I work at Ralph Lauren and this season we have this whole equestrian thing going on. I don't suppose you've seen the cover of British Vogue, have you?
Trick: [impatient] Can I just have the candy?
Rachel: [reading Ross' new list] Uma Thurman, Winona Ryder, Michelle Pfeffer,Elizabeth Hurley, Dorothy Hamel? Honey, you do know, she only spins like that on ice.
Rachel: I actually came in here hoping to have a mature conversation with you about us, but I can't do that with someone who hides my messages and brings crazy women back to my apartment.
Dr. Ross Geller: None of the sane ones wanted to come back with me.
Rachel: Paul's a very private person.
Phoebe: You just have to think of him like a jar of pickles.
Rachel: So what am I supposed to do? Run him under some hot water, and bang his head against a table?
Ross: It's 72 long stemmed roses, one for each day I've loved Emily, cut into mulch.
Rachel: I'm sorry.
Ross: That's okay. Monica is going to make potpourri!
Bruce: [Grace is in the kitchen washing up. Bruce grabs her from behind and pulls her into a kiss] Morning.
Grace: [Cheerful and giggly] Good morning. I made you grilled cheese.
Bruce: [He sits down at the dinner table] Ooo, my favey.
Grace: Honey last night was just...
Bruce: Heavenly? I know, I know...
Grace: I mean, you know, I woke up this morning and I felt like... like my boobs were bigger. I mean, do they look bigger to you?
Bruce: [Accidentally squirts ketchup all over his sandwich] Uh, what? Your... uh... bigger?
Grace: Oh, come on!
Grace: [She jiggles her boobs for him] Look at them, please! They are definitely bigger, I mean, look, they feel huge to me!
Bruce: Listen, I uh, have to go. But this has been the breast beck... breast... thank you.
Grace: [Bruce kisses her] Where are you going?
Bruce: [He turns around, confident] To get my job back.
Grace: I'll be out in a minute!
Bruce: Don't rush yourself! Sometimes anticipation can heighten the... pleasure.
[Growls]
Grace: [Grace's vagina is filled with pleasure, and her knees buckle, causing her to hold onto the sink for support] Oh God! Oh!
Bruce: It's a funny thing about pleasure.
Grace: Wow.
Bruce: It can be quite... PLEASURABLE!
Grace: [Grace's vagina is filled with even more pleasure, and she falls onto the toilet seat, knocking over several bottles as she does] Oh my God.
Bruce: [Bruce thrusts his hands in Grace's direction, and starts sending pleasure to her with his mind] Pleasuring pleasurable pleasuring...
Grace: [Grace writhes in sexual ecstasy on the seat, as she suddenly has the most powerful orgasm of her life] Oh God!
[Moaning]
Grace: Oh good God!
[She collapses onto the floor, overcome with sexual delight]
Bruce: ...pleasurable pleasure.
[the bathroom door opens. Bruce quickly stops chanting and adopts a casual pose. Grace is standing in the doorway, using it for support. Bruce growls at her like an animal. She runs at Bruce, who grabs her and throws her down onto the bed. Outside their apartment, we see their lights flickering, and hear Grace's loud moans of sexual bliss. Bruce cries out triumphantly]
Rachel: Joey, what is wrong with your appartment? It's like a hundred degrees in there.
Joey: Did it make you want to walk around in your underwear?
Rachel: No.
Joey: Still not hot enough!
Ross: [screaming at the answering machine] Did she get off the plane? God did she get off the plane!
Rachel: [Rachel shows up at the door] I got off the plane.
[Peering out the window]
Phoebe: Hey. It looks like Ugly Naked Guy is moving.
Ross: Ironically, most of the boxes are labeled "clothes."
Rachel: Oh, I'm gonna miss that big, fat, squishy butt.
Amy: Like in junior high, when you stole Timmy from me. Do you even realize how much that hurt me?
Rachel: Timmy was my boyfriend. And you went out with him.
Amy: Oh come on, that was 20 years ago. Get over it.
Chandler: [Rachel is opening presents on her birthday]
[pointing out a gift]
Chandler: OK, this one right here is from me.
Rachel: [picks it up] OK... ah, it's light...
[shakes it]
Rachel: ... it rattles... it's...
[opens it]
Rachel: Travel Scrabble! Oooohhh, thank you!
[she gives it back to him]
Rachel: [Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another gift] This one's from Joey... feels like a book. Thinks it's a book... feels like a book. And...
[opens it]
Rachel: ... it's a book!
Phoebe: Oh, it's Dr. Seuss!
Joey: [to Rachel] That book got me through some tough times.
Melanie: There is a little child inside this man!
Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die.
Rachel: [Rachel picks up the next gift] Who's this from?
Chandler: Oh, that's Ross's.
Rachel: Oh...
[opens it]
Rachel: ...
[sees it is a pin]
Rachel: Oh my God. He remembered.
Phoebe: Remembered what?
Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered!
Chandler: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane?
[pats his Travel Scrabble game]
Phoebe: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune.
Monica,8061: I can't believe he did this.
Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
Rachel: [Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross's crush on Rachel] What did you just say?
Chandler: [panicked] ahem... um... Crystal duck.
Rachel: No, no, no... the, um, the... 'love' part?
Chandler: [stuttering incoherently] F-hah... flennin...
Rachel: Oh... my God.
Chandler: [rubbing his temples] Oh, no no no no no...
Joey: [pats Chandler on the leg] That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.
[Ross got Joey a job at the museum, as a tour guide]
Rachel: But shouldn't you know what you're talking about?
Joey: Yeah, but they tell me everything I need to know. It's like reading a script. Like, "this is a Tyranosaurus Rex a creature from the Jurassic period".
[everyone approves]
Ross: Actually, Joey, it's the Cretaceous period.
Joey: Yeah, but, I can pronounce Jurassic.
Monica: Rachel, you have to find Chandler's dad.
Rachel: Okay, what does he look like?
Monica: He's the man in the black dress. Hurry.
Rachel: Okay...
Monica: Wow, you made a profit?
- I just came for the red velvet pillow.
Rachel: Oh, yeah.
- There you go.
- Thanks, Rachel.
- And, uh, don't forget, you can come visit her any time you want.
- Oh, good. Great. I'll keep that in mind.
- Ahem, hey. So, what is this, some kind of snake or something?
Rachel: [Monica and Chandler are raising the stakes in the boys vs girls bet, and Chandler has just set the stakes at $200] Monica, I don't want to lose two hundred dollars!
Monica: We won't!
[to Chandler]
Monica: THREE HUNDRED!
Rachel: MONICA!
Monica: I'm just trying to spice it up!
Rachel: OK, so then play for some pepper! Stop spending my money!
Rachel: What?
- Ross: That's crazy.
- Wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute.
- I believe this will change your mind.
- "In a mediocre play, Joseph tribbiani was able to achieve brilliant new levels of..."
- Continued on page 153.
- "Sucking."
[ready to leave a voicemail greeting]
Rachel: Hi.
Phoebe: It's
Rachel: Rachel
Phoebe: And
Rachel: Phoebe's.
Phoebe: Please
Rachel: Leave
Phoebe: Leave
Rachel: I just said "leave".
Phoebe: Yeah I know. That's because you have all the good words. What do I get? I get "it's", "and", oh, I'm sorry I have "a". Forget it.
Rachel: Phoebe come on! That's silly!
Phoebe: Alright. So let's switch.
Rachel: [quite proudly] No! I have all the good words.
[Phoebe looks mad]
Rachel: OK. Fine. Fine. Let's switch.
[Phoebe presses the voicemail greeting recorder button]
Phoebe: Hi
Rachel: Everybody.
Phoebe: It's
Rachel: Rachel
Phoebe: And
Rachel: Phoebe's.
Phoebe: Pl... wait, how did you do that? Oh, you're no ordinary roomate. This shall be interesting.
Rachel: [innocently] What?
Phoebe: [suspicious but interested] Oh, you're no ordinary roommate are you?
Rachel: I use my breasts to get other peoples attention.
Monica: WE BOTH DO THAT.
Rachel: So what are you guys gonna do?
Ross: Oh, I just thought we'd go out to dinner, and then maybe bring her back to my place and I'd introduce her to my monkey.
Chandler: And he's not speaking metaphorically.
Rachel: Joey... Why is there a book in the freezer?
Rachel: Oh my God! I put my baby's face on a penis!
Dr. Leonard Green: So what's new with you?
Rachel: [hesitating] Uhh, well... I got TiVo!
Dr. Leonard Green: [confused] What's TiVo?
Phoebe: It's slang for pregnant!
Monica: [Rachel, Phoebe & Monica are looking at the Playboy of the Month]
Rachel: See now, I would date this girl. She's cute, she's outdoorsy, see, & she knows how to build a fire, I mean that's got to come in handy!
Monica: Hey I've got a question. If you had to pick one of us to date, who would it be?
Rachel: [looking at Monica and Phoebe] I don't know...
Monica: [looking at Phoebe and Rachel] Yeah, me either...
Phoebe: [looking at Rachel and Monica] Rachel.
Monica: [Monica and Rachel both look at Phoebe] What?
Phoebe: I don't know... me neither
[Running off]
Joey: I've never been through the tunnel myself because the way I understand it, you can't go through it if you have more than one girl in the car but the way I see it, you face your fears same as anything else, you've got a fear of heights, you go to the top of the building, you've got a fear of bugs, get a bug, in your case you've got a fear of commitment so you go in there and be the most committed guy there was
Rachel: Amazingly that actually makes sense
Chandler: Really?
Joey: Sure jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind
Chandler: I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm going to be peeing every which way
Rachel: Come on, she's a person. You can do it!
Chandler: Oh, please, could she be more out of my league? Ross, back me up here.
Dr. Ross Geller: He can never get a woman like that in a million years.
Chandler: Thank you, buddy.
Phoebe: Oh, oh, but you always see these really beautiful women with these really nothing guys. You could be one of those guys.
[talking about her new client]
Rachel: He's got the most beautiful name. I never realized. Joshua. Josh - Ua. Joshua.
- 27 is a dangerous eye age.
- I'm not saying it was a bad movie.
- I'm just saying it was a little...
- Hard to follow.
- I told you there'd be subtitles.
Rachel: I know.
- I just didn't want to wear my glasses on our first date.
[Ross has traded in his "Snuggles" for a more manly laundry detergent]
Rachel: What's that?
Ross: Uberweiss. It's strong, it's German, it's extra-tough.
Rachel: Can you believe they are actually getting married?
Dr. Ross Geller: Well sure, but I get married all the time.
[Ross is about to tell Rachel that he loves her before she leaves for Paris, but Gunther walks up to her first]
Gunther: I... I know you're leaving tonight, but I just have to tell you. I love you. I... I don't know if that changes your plans at all, but I thought you should know.
Rachel: Gunther... Oh... I love you too. Probably not in the same way, but I do. And, and when I'm in a café, having coffee, or I see a man with hair brighter than the sun, I'll think of you. Aw.
[kisses him on the cheek]
Rachel: No, you're right! You are absolutely right. I mean that makes, that makes everything different.
Chandler: Okay. It's not different at all, is it?
Rachel: Not unless different means the same.
Dr. Ross Geller: Hey, Rachel. Do you have any idea where Joey is?
Rachel: [long pause] I really don't.
Joey: [after meeting Rachel's sister] Hey, how you doing?
Rachel: [angrily] Don't!
Dr. Ross Geller: Rach, you ready to go?
Rachel: [from the bathroom] IN A MINUTE!
Rachel: [exits her room carrying a knitted coat with buttons] You guys, does this look like something the girlfriend of a palaeontologist would wear?
Phoebe: [happily] I don't know. You might be the first one.
[Ross and Chandler quietly laugh]
Monica: [points to the answering machine] Rach' did you check the machine?
Rachel: Uh, no. Wait, you know what? This is the outfit that makes my calves look fat. Never mind.
[Rachel giggles and goes back into her room with the outfit]
Kenny: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Oh fuck a donkey it hurts so much!
David: What hurts, Kenny?
Kenny: I'm gonna die! I'm gonna fuckin' die!
David: Kenny, you're not going to die. Tell me what's wrong.
Rose: What's wrong, Kenny?
Kenny: Fuckin' spider bit me on my balls, David! On my balls, on my balls, on my fuckin' balls!
Rachel: It's like all my life everybody keeps telling that I'm a shoe. You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe! But what if I don't want to be a shoe anymore? Maybe I'm a purse, or a hat... I don't want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a hat! It's a metaphore, daddy!
Palmer: You have kids?
Katherine: Huh? Hmmm?
Palmer: You have children?
Danny: We have, sort of, a little bit of children right?
Audrey: Okay. What's that?
Charles: That is the Quince dagger. Chinese steel, jewels from across the Orient. A gift to the family from Marco Polo. Or so the legend says.
Audrey: God. Nick's grandmother gave us a toaster from Sears. Or so the legend says.
Phoebe: You are such a leaf blower!
Rachel: Pool drainer!
Monica: Twig snapper!
Rachel: Monkey butt!
Monica: That's not in the book!
Rachel: No, but that's what you are!
Phoebe: [entering Joey and Chandler's apartment, Rachel and Monica are there] Hey guys, look what I just got.
[Phoebe shows them a pair of shoes]
Rachel: Oh, wow, I love those! Where did you get them?
Phoebe: I bought them off eBay. They used to belong to the late Shania Twain.
Rachel: Phoebe, Shania Twain is still alive.
Phoebe: Oh, then I overpaid.
Rachel: You know, Ben, I was your daddy's girlfriend.
Ben: But you're not anymore. Because you were on a break.
[Joey walks into Monica and Rachel's apartment and does a dance step on the way]
Rachel: What was that?
Joey: What?
Rachel: You just did a little dancy thing.
Joey: No, I didn't.
Monica: Yeah you did. You did a little hop.
Rachel: You are so enjoying this.
Joey: No, I'm not. And it wasn't a hop. It was a pas de bourrée.
[Joey covers his mouth in embarrassment and Monica and Rachel laugh even harder]
Rachel: [enters] Where's Joey?
Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?
Rachel: They say that still waters run deep, and I wanna swim in yours.
Paul: Are you talking about having sex?
[Rachel and Phoebe have Ross pinned to the ground after he tried to scare them back]
Rachel: Say it. Say we are unagi.
Ross: It's not something you are, it's something you have!
Phoebe: [entering Monica's and Chandler's apartment] Hey Rach, you wanna go get coffee?
Rachel: Oh! I would love to.
Phoebe: [excited] Oh good!
Chandler: [to Monica] I'm gonna go too, babe.
[Chandler kisses Monica and gets up]
Monica: OK.
Phoebe: [pleased] Oh good!
[Rachel, Chandler and Phoebe continue muttering and Phoebe holds the door open as two of them exit the apartment]
Phoebe: Oh I changed my mind.
[Phoebe closes the door, goes over to the table and takes a list out of her handbag]
Phoebe: [shows the list to Monica] Let's talk about the party. I have so many ideas!
Monica: [excited] Oh! Me too!
[Monica gets a large black folder from under the sink]
Phoebe: [impressed] Oh! Look at that!
Dr. Ross Geller: I just can't see Chandler cheating.
Rachel: I'm telling you guys, we followed them out to a house in Westchester. They went in for like 45 minutes and they came out looking pretty happy.
Joey: Chandler? 45 minutes?
Chandler: [Ross walks in with a really dark tan] Hold on. There's something different about you.
Ross: I went to that tanning place your wife suggested.
Chandler: Was that place the sun?
Ross: It gets worse.
[holds up his top to reveal one half of his skin is still white]
Chandler: Oh my God! You can do a duet of 'Ebony & Ivory' all by yourself.
Monica: How could you mess this up? It's so easy. You go in the booth, you count to five, and you turn around!
Ross: How do you count to five?
Monica: [counts quickly] One, two, three...
Ross: Dammit!
[Goes to the door to leave. Rachel enters, sees him and starts laughing]
Ross: I know!
Rachel: [after seeing Ross's tan] What is up with Miss Hawaiian Tropic?
Rachel: When we were out there today, all I kept thinking was, "I can't believe Chandler is screwing this woman, but man, this would be a nice place to live!"
Audrey: What if we're being watched by the killer? What if he was in here? Maybe he stole my Peanut M&Ms.
Nick: I stole your Peanut M&Ms.
Ross: The point is that I don't need this right now. It's too late. I'm with somebody else, I'm happy. This ship has sailed!
Rachel: [angrily] So, you're just gonna, what, put away feelings or whatever the hell it was that you felt for me?
Ross: Hey, I've been doing it since the ninth grade, I've gotten pretty damn good at it!
Rachel: OK fine, you go ahead and you do that, all right Ross?
Ross: [turns to leave] OK, fine.
Rachel: Because I don't need your stupid ship.
[Rachel follows and calls out after him]
Rachel: And you know what? *Now* I got closure!
[Slams door and locks it but almost immediately dissolves into tears. Ross quietly returns and watches her through the glass door. Rachel gathers herself together and stands up. She sees Ross through the glass and gasps. She goes over to open it but starts to struggle with the locks]
Ross: Try the bottom one.
[Rachel does. She opens the door. They look at each other. Ross wordlessly pulls her into his arms and the two of them kiss - finally!]
Rachel: [referring to Mrs. Altman, the fifty year old librarian Ross made out with in high school] There's a picture of her in the yearbook.
Phoebe: [everyone looks] Wow.
Ross: Hey, she didn't photograph well!
Chandler: Yeah, well, she was probably unfamiliar with the process having spent most of her life sitting for oil paintings.
Phoebe: So how did this happen? Did she lure you to an early bird dinner?
Ross: I was working late in the library one afternoon. It was just the two of us. She needed some help with her word jumble and one thing led to another. If you must know, Anita was very gentle and tender... may she rest in peace.
Rachel: [Wondering how to ask a client out on a date] I don't even know how I would go about it.
Joey: Oh oh oh, what I do is uh, I look a woman up and down and I say, "Hey, how you doin..."
Rachel: [Annoyed] Oh, please.
Joey: [to Phoebe] Hey! How you doin...
Phoebe: [Phoebe pauses a moment then looks away, giggling and flattered] Just fine.
Joey: Hey check it out. Ugly Naked Guy's got a naked friend.
Rachel: Omigod. That's our friend. It's naked Ross.
Monica: Alright boys, last chance for the tickets.
Rachel: Otherwise I give them to my new boyfriend, Joshua.
Chandler: No thank you.
Joey: Wait wait wait wait wait, come on, come on, let's trade. The timing's perfect. I just clogged the toilet
Phoebe: This is a tattoo of the Earth as seen from a great great distance. It's the way my mother sees me from heaven.
Rachel: Oh what a load of crap! That is a dot.
Chandler: Monica got ice in her eye and it hurts.
Phoebe: Open it up, let me see.
Monica: Ow! I can't, it really kills.
Chandler: Maybe you should put some ice on it.
Phoebe: Ooh, it looks bad.
Rachel: Hey, maybe we should take you to a doctor.
Monica: No, my eye doctor is Richard. I can't go to him when I don't have a boyfriend.
Dr. Ross Geller: How was your sister's graduation?
Rachel: It was the graduation ceremony from Hell.
Chandler: You know, my cousin attended Hell on a football scholarship.
Rachel: Hi, Doctor, how are you?
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh sure, you're nice to her
Rachel: She has the drugs!
Rachel: [to the gang after finding Joey with a nude photo of Monica that she gave Chandler] Joey has got a secret peephole!
Chandler: Oh no, no no!
Rachel: Yes, he has a naked picture of Monica. He takes naked pictures of us, then he eats chicken, and he looks at them! Look!
[shoves the photo in Ross' face]
Ross: [covering his eyes] No! Dude, that's my sister!
Rachel: We won.
- We won! Whoo!
- Whoo!
Phoebe: Now, we can kick anybody's ass!
Rachel: Yeah!
Ross: After one class? I don't think so.
Rachel: What? You want to see me self-defend myself? Go over there and pretend you're a sexual predator! Go on! I dare ya!
Ross: Well, of course you can defend yourself from an attack you know is coming, that's not enough. Look, I studied karate for a long time, and there's a concept you should really be familiar with. It's what the Japanese call unagi.
Rachel: Isn't that a kind of sushi?
Ross: No, it's a concept.
Phoebe: Yeah, it is! It is! It's freshwater eel.
Ross: All right, maybe it means that too.
Rachel: Ooh! I would kill for a salmon skin roll right now.
Ross: Y'know what? Fine! Get attacked! I don't even care!
Dr. Ross Geller: You going to be OK?
Rachel: Yeah, I think so.
Dr. Ross Geller: I wasn't talking to you.
Rachel: I can't watch - it's like firing Elmo.
Monica: I saw you eat a cheeseburger!
[Everyone gasps]
Monica: Well, didn't you?
Phoebe: I might have.
Monica: I can't believe you didn't tell me.
Phoebe: C'mon. Like you tell me everything?
Monica: What haven't I told you?
Phoebe: Oh I don't know. How about the fact that the underwear out on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby on the terrace!
[Everyone runs to the window to look]
Monica: Who told you that?
[Looks at Chandler]
Monica: You are dead meat.
Chandler: I didn't know if was a big secret.
Monica: Oh, it's not big. Not at all. You know, kind of the same as, I don't know, a third nipple!
Phoebe: [Gasps] You have a third nipple?
Chandler: [to Monica] You bitch!
Ross: Whip it out! Whip it out!
Chandler: No. C'mon! There's nothing to see. It's a tiny bump. It's totally useless.
Rachel: As opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?
Joey: I can't believe you! You told me it was a nubbin!
Ross: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?
Joey: I don't know. You see something, you hear a word. I thought that was it. Let me see it again!
Ross: Yes! Show us your nubbin!
Chandler: [Doesn't know what to say while everyone comes at him] Joey was in a porno movie!
[Everyone gasps. Joey is shocked Chandler would say that]
Chandler: If I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me.
- Hi, how are you?
- Chandler, don't worry.
- This doesn't make you any less of a guy.
- What am I sitting on?
- Heh. I'd hate to think what this woman was scratching when this broke off.
- Know who used to have nails like that?
Rachel: No.
- Oh, my god.
Joey: You don't smell it? Something's on fire.
Rachel: I don't smell anything.
Joey: Oh, you know what? It's probably just your burnin' loins.
Dr. Ross Geller: [arriving] What are you guys talking about?
Rachel: Nothing.
Dr. Ross Geller: Dang, this coffee's cold. Hey, Rach - do you mind if I heat this up on your loins?
Rachel: [annoyed] Phoebe, why did you lie to me about working here?
Phoebe: [annoyed] Because I was ashamed! OK? I sold out for the cash! And they give me benefits like medical, dental and a furrow wonk...
[Rachel looks confused]
Phoebe: [annoyed] But, you know, you pay a price! Now I'm this corporate stooge and, and... punching a clock and oh... paying taxes!
Rachel: [sympathetic and encouraging] Phoebe honey, if you hate it so much, you should walk out there right now... and quit. Be true to what you believe in! Honey, you have principles and I *so* admire that. I don't have any!
Phoebe: You know what? You're right. I am gonna quit. It's time I took my life back.
Rachel: [Phoebe turns to leave] Good for you Pheebs!
Phoebe: OK.
[Phoebe leaves the massage room, closes and door and stops]
Phoebe: [looks up and whispers] If you guys have microphones in there too, I didn't mean any of that. I love you!
Chandler: [Saying his list of five celebrities he's allowed to sleep with] Cindy Crawford, Kim Bassinger, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth and Jessica Rabbit.
Rachel: You do know she's a cartoon?
Chandler: I thought it'd be cool to see if I could make her eyes pop out of her head.
Rachel: Phoebe, come on, I don't wanna switch. Please, come on, I can throw wet paper towels here.
Phoebe: No, but at Monica's you can eat cookies over the sink.
Rachel: Ross, do you realize this is the first time in my life I'm doing something I actually care about? This is the first time in my life I'm doing something that I'm actually good at. I mean, if you don't get that...
Phoebe: Ok, I got an idea. If it's a girl, Phoebe, naturally. And, if it's a boy... Phoebo.
Ross: Uhh... Sure, but let's not limit ourselves to just one name.
Rachel: Ok, I got one. If it's a girl... Sandrine. It's French.
Ross: That's a great name... for an industrial solvent.
Rachel: Ok, you got a better one?
Ross: Yeah, check this out. If it's a boy - Darwin.
Rachel: Yes, Ross, I do want a son who'll be regularly beaten in the schoolyard.
Phoebe: By Sandrine.
Rachel: I'm still in love with you, Ross.
Ross: [long pause] I'm not sure what to do with that right now.
[Rachel starts laughing]
Ross: Was that a joke? Because it's mean.
Rachel: I'm so dead serious. I'm totally serious.
Ross: Then why are you laughing?
Rachel: Because...
[still laughing]
Rachel: ... because I just heard it. And it's ridiculous. I mean, you're married. You're married. And it's like I had this rage rising out of my body. And the the floating rage
[laughs more]
Rachel: it's like "You are such an idiot".
Ross: Well, I haven't seen or spoken to my wife since the wedding.
Rachel: I'm sorry. That's not funny.
Rose: You're making $500,000 and giving me only $30,000?
Casey: $30,000? I'm only getting $1,000!
Kenny: You guys are getting paid?
Rachel: [Rachel shows Monica her engagement ring] What do you think?
Monica: Oh my God! You can't even see where the Titanic hit it.
[Rachel just found out her husband Barry has been cheating on her]
Rachel: What is it with men? Do wedding vows mean squat to you people?
Ross: Wait. Didn't you spend last night at Joey's?
Rachel: What are you, a detective?
Janice: Oh, well then, shut me up.
Rachel: [Rachel smiles] Just tell me how.
Rachel: Here I am about to pop, and Ross is picking up women at "Sluts R US".
Phoebe: Is that a real place? Are they hiring?
- Okay, there you go.
- Rachel, I made you a cocoa.
Rachel: Oh, that's so... aah!
- Both: Oh, my god. Are you guys okay?
- You all right?
- Oh, my.
- I think I'm gonna stay here and make sure he's okay.
- That's probably a good idea.
- I'll see you in the morning.
Rachel: Uh-huh. Okay.
- All right.
- Yeah, you know, Joey, I...
- I don't think he's ever gonna be okay with this.
Joey: It doesn't look good, does it?
- Mm-mm.
Dr. Ross Geller: [Monica is trying to convince the gang that she can be irresponsible, random, and a "kook"] All right, you madcap gal, try to imagine this: the phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away.
Monica: Why not?
Dr. Ross Geller: Because you're a 'kook'! Instead, you wait until they send you a notice.
Monica: [a little uncomfortable] I could do that.
Rachel: Okay, okay, you let me go grocery shopping...
Monica: No problem!
Rachel: I'm not done yet.
Monica: Oh.
Rachel: AND... I buy laundry detergent BUT... it's not the one with the easy-pour spout!
Monica: WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THAT?
[she catches herself]
Monica: One might wonder... but I would be fine with that.
Chandler: Someone's left a glass on the coffee table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink. It's a hot day.
[Monica begins to squirm, and Chandler goes in for the kill]
Chandler: Little beads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the surface of the wood...
Monica: STOP IT! Oh, my god... it's true. Who am I?
Dr. Ross Geller: Monica... you're Mom.
Phoebe: [makes screeching violins from "Psycho" noises, wielding an imaginary knife]
Monica: [reading Joey's letter from his stalker] Wait a minute; this wasn't mailed to "Days of Our Lives". It wasn't even mailed. Joey, this woman was in our building; she knows where you live.
Joey: All right! I got my own stalker!
Chandler: You're so lucky; I have to share my stalker with five other guys at work.
Rachel: Joey, remember when we talked about good thing-bad thing? This is a baaaad thing.
Rachel: [offers her Curious George doll to ornery monkey] Marcel, this is for you. Just something to... do on the plane.
Chandler: I know about the baby.
Monica: We have a baby?
Chandler: Phoebe found your pregnancy test in the trash.
Monica: I didn't take a pregnancy test.
Chandler: Then who did?
Phoebe: They're actually married. And they're gonna have a baby.
Rachel: Uh-huh.
[Phoebe and Rachel are in the park warming up for their run]
Phoebe: [to Rachel] I have to tie my shoe so you go ahead. I'll catch up.
Rachel: OK.
Phoebe: OK.
[Rachel jogs ahead and seconds later, Phoebe overtakes her running like crazy]
Phoebe: [over-excited] Come on! Let's start running! LET'S GO!
Rachel: I'm sorry, I'm going to have to call you back. I've got a Shemp in my office.
[Ross tries picking out a dress for Rachel]
Ross: Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty.
Rachel: Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep.
Ross: Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep.
Rachel: Yeah, which, by the way Chandler, I would like back one of these days.
[Rachel returns to her room]
Chandler: We used them as pillows when we went camping.
Ross: What?
Chandler: [shyly] The sheep.
Ross: Hey, what you do on your own time...
Dr. Ross Geller: Who cares?
Rachel: I care!
Rachel: And so do I.
Amy: Ok, how about this? If you guys die, and the crazy plate lady dies then do I get the baby?
Chandler: No, if crazy plate lady... if Monica dies then I would get Emma, right?
Rachel: Well, actually...
Chandler: Actually, what?
Ross: It's just that in that case then Emma would go to my parents.
Chandler: What?
Amy: [to Chandler] Hurts, doesn't it?
Joey: Who has to die for me to get her?
[In Ross's apartment]
Amy: Could I take this call upstairs?
Ross: Sure... but we don't live there.
Amy: [to Rachel] I thought he was a doctor.
Rachel: He has a Phd.
Amy: Ewww...
Monica: Not just the phone pen. I never get my messages.
Rachel: You get your messages!
Monica: Yeah, well I don't think it really counts if you have to read them off the back of your hand after you fall asleep on the couch.
Rachel: So-so, you missed a message from who? Chandler... or your mom? Or Chandler? Or your mom?
Monica: [to the movers and referring to dog statue] if that falls off the truck, it wouldn't be the worst thing.
[hands him money]
Ross: [Looking around the empty apartment] Wow.
Rachel: I know it seems smaller somehow.
Joey: [Confused] Has it always been purple?
Chandler: [to the twin babies] Look around you guys. This was your first home and it was a happy place filled with love and laughter but more importantly, because it was rent controlled it was a freaking steel.
Monica: [to Chandler] I almost forgot I promised Treeger we'd leave our keys.
Monica: [Hugs Chandler] This is harder than I thought it would be.
Rachel: It's sick.
Monica: Why is it sick?
Rachel: Because he's Richard's son, Monica. It's like inviting a greek tragedy over for dinner.
Chandler: Well, thank you for lunch.
Rachel: What? Wait a minute - I didn't pay! I thought you paid!
Chandler: So apparently we just don't pay for food anymore.
Rachel: Remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday?
Ben: Remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday?
Rachel: Don't do that.
Ben: Don't do that.
Rachel: Seriously. Your dad doesn't like pranks.
Ben: Seriously. Your dad doesn't like pranks.
Rachel: Oh. Damnit!
Ben: Oh. Damnit!
Rachel: No, don't say that.
Ben: Damnit!
Rachel: Don't go back to repeating it.
Ben: Damnit.
Rachel: Aw crap
Ben: Aw crap
Rachel: No. Don't.
Ben: Damnit!
Rachel: [talking about Ross] Can't you just picture him in bed?
Monica: Really don't want to!
Monica: [calling from the hall] Rachel, open this door!
Ross: Is it locked?
Rachel: No. She's fine.
[Rachel bangs her head on a pole]
Rachel: Oh, yeah, if it's not a headboard, it's just not worth it.
Rachel: Do you think maybe on some level, you don't want to take off my bra?
Joey: Nah, I don't have another level.
Phoebe: You actually don't see it?
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Honey, you're dating Ross
Rachel: No, Pheebs, I'm dating Russ
Phoebe: Russ is Ross. Russ, Ross
Rachel: Steve, Sleeve.
Rachel: You know, Dr. Burke kissed me once.
Monica: When?
Rachel: When I was, um, seven. I crashed my bike right out in front of his house, and to stop me from crying, he kissed right here.
[points to the tip of her nose]
Phoebe: Oh, you are so lucky.
Rachel: I know.
Rachel: See this? See?
- How's it going?
Monica: Don't stare.
- She just finished throwing his clothes off the balcony.
- Now there's just a lot of gesturing and arm-waving.
- Okay, that is either, "how could you?"
- Or "enormous breasts."
- Here he comes.
Rachel: I should really get back to work.
Phoebe: Yeah, otherwise, someone might get what they actually ordered.
Rachel: Oh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come off!
Phoebe: [bank error $500 in her favor] It's just that now that I have to go down there and deal with them!
Joey: What are you talking about? Keep it!
Phoebe: It's not mine! If I kept it, it would be like stealing!
Rachel: Yeah, but if you kept it, it would be like shopping!
Ross: [Rachel confronts Ross about the list] Okay, but look at the other side. Look at what it says about Julie.
Rachel: [Reads] "She's not Rachem"?
Ross: No!
Rachel: What the hell's a Rachem? Is that some paleontology term that I wouldn't know about because I'm just a waitress?
Rachel: I've been meaning to talk to you about this whole little new European thing you got going on, and I just need to tell you, it makes me very uncomfortable, and I just, you know, just stop it!
Chandler: Well, I'm just trying to bring a little culture to the group.
Phoebe: That's fine, just don't bring it in my mouth.
Monica: Makes me wanna puke!
Rachel: Um, I was thinking if it's a girl how about Sandrene? It's French.
Dr. Ross Geller: Huh. That's a really pretty name... for an industrial solvent.
Rachel: [discussing names for the baby] I was thinking, if it's girl: Sandrine. It's French.
Dr. Ross Geller: Huh. That's a really pretty name, for an industrial solvent.
Rachel: [to Paul during dinner] So it seemed that my prom date had stood me up, so Ross selflessly offered to take me.
Elizabeth: What a nice story.
Paul: So Ross was in college, and decided to jump at the chance to take a young girl to her high school prom?
Rachel: I definitely did not see that one backfiring! I'm going to go to the bathroom.
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Rachel] Yeah, you take your time.
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Paul] Just so you know, I was a freshman and she was a senior, so it wasn't as bad as...
Paul: [to Ross] Look, I know I've been giving you a lot of jabs - and it's partly that I'm very protective of my daughter, and partly because they keep coming to me! But I have to admit, after all the wonderful things Elizabeth has told me, and after the many, many, many things Rachel has told me... well, I guess you're not all bad.
Dr. Ross Geller: [feeling satisfied] I'm not all bad.
Paul: I'm sorry I was so harsh before, but you have to understand I still look at Elizabeth like she's a twelve-year-old girl.
Dr. Ross Geller: You know what? I do that, too.
Paul: I beg your pardon?
Dr. Ross Geller: [nervously] Oh, no - I don't see her as a twelve-year-old girl. I have a son who's six, and I still think of him as a baby.
Paul: You have a son?
Dr. Ross Geller: Yes, my ex-wife and I share custody of Ben - and just so you know, Carol and I are on excellent terms, as I'm sure you are with your wife.
Dr. Ross Geller: [nervously, remembering Paul is a widower] Oh, I'm very sorry.
Paul: [as Rachel returns to the table] Don't worry about it; I didn't realize you were married.
Rachel: We were, but that was a big drunken mistake.
Dr. Ross Geller: [sarcastically to Rachel] Oh, great - you're back?
Paul: You two were married?
Rachel: [revealing Ross was married three times] Oh, whoops - you were talking about Emily.
Dr. Ross Geller: [shamefully slams his head on the table]
Phoebe: Okay, which one is she?
Rachel: That's Brad's widow.
Phoebe: And why is she so upset?
Rachel: Because she just found out she's cut out of the will.
Phoebe: Doesn't she know you can't define yourself in terms of money? That it's about values and morals and your ability to give and receive love?
Rachel: No.
- It's Valentine's day.
- It's perfect.
- Okay, well, what kind of ritual?
- Okay, we can, um, burn the stuff they gave us.
- Or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks.
- Burning's good.
- Burning's good.
Rachel: I've got stuff to burn.
[Everyone calls Chandler, who is in Tulsa, on speakerphone]
Monica: So, is everyone else working on Christmas Eve, too?
Chandler: No, I sent everyone home.
Monica: You are such a good boss.
Chandler: Yeah, I know. It's just me and Wendy.
Monica: Who's Wendy? That sounds like a girl's name.
Chandler: Well, yeah...
Joey: Oh, Wendy was the one who was runner up for Ms. Oklahoma.
Monica: You're in alone in the same room as the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma?
Chandler: Well... The second prettiest THAT year. If you count it now, she's probably the...
Rachel: Oh, Chandler, stop talking.
Monica: Who are you?
Priest: I am the priest.
Chandler: He's Greek Orthodox.
Rachel: As are you.
Monica: So how was Joan?
Chandler: Broke up with her.
Ross: Oh, why? Don't tell me. Because of the big nostril thing?
Chandler: They were huge. When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.
Rachel: Come on, they were not that huge.
Chandler: I'm telling you, she leaned back, I could see her brain!
Monica: How many women will you reject over the most superficial, insignificant things?
Joey: Hold it. Hold it. I gotta side with Chandler on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out with this girl. Really hot. Great kisser but she had the biggest Adam's apple. Drove me nuts.
Chandler: [to Ross] You or me?
Ross: I got it... Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.
Chandler: I'd like to propose a toast. Little toast here...
[while clinking his wine glass]
Chandler: Ding ding.
[resumes his speech]
Chandler: I know this isn't the kind of Thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, you know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean,
[to Rachel]
Chandler: if you'd gone to Vail,
[to Monica and Ross]
Chandler: and if you guys'd been with your family,
[to Joey]
Chandler: if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked.
All: That's so sweet.
Ross: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas.
Rachel: And a crappy New Year.
Chandler: Here, here!
Rachel: [holding a hairless Sphynx cat] Look you guys, I'm really excited about this, okay? I don't care what you think. Now I'm gonna set up a litter box for Mrs Whiskerson.
Rachel: [Ross looks at her strangely] Look, what am I gonna call her? Fluffy?
Phoebe: Look! Ugly Naked Guy is hanging candy canes!
Rachel: Where?
[Phoebe points]
Rachel: Oh. Well... that's festive.
Rachel: [on the phone] Monica, I'm quitting. I just helped an eighty-year old woman put a thong on, and she didn't even buy it.
[first lines]
Dr. Ross Geller: Chandler! Chandler!
[Ross opens the door to the apartment but is stopped by the chain; Chandler and Monica quickly stop making out and try to get dressed]
Dr. Ross Geller: Chandler, I saw what you were doing through the window! I saw what you were doing to my sister! Now get out here!
Chandler: [to Monica] Wow! Listen, we had a good run. What was it? Four? Five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then!
[Chandler kisses her and starts to climb out the balcony window]
Monica: [to Chandler] What are you doing?
Chandler: Oh, I'm going on the lamb.
Monica: [stopping him] Come on Chandler, come on, I can handle Ross.
[They go to the door. Ross is trying to stick his hand through and undo the chain but Monica pushes his hand back]
Monica: [to Ross] Hold on!
[She opens the door]
Monica: Hey Ross. What's up bro?
[Upon entering, Ross makes a beeline for Chandler, who runs and hides behind Monica]
Dr. Ross Geller: What the hell are you doing?
[Rachel and Joey come over from his apartment]
Rachel: Hey, what's-what's going on?
Chandler: Well, I think, I *think* Ross knows about me and Monica.
Joey: [concerned] Dude! He's right there!
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Chandler] I thought you were my best friend, this is my sister! My best friend and my sister! I-I cannot believe this!
Chandler: Look, we're not just messing around! I love her. Okay, I'm in love with her.
Monica: [taking Ross's hand] I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way. I'm sorry, but it's true, I love him too.
[Long pause]
Dr. Ross Geller: [happily] My best friend and my sister! I cannot believe this.
[He hugs them both]
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Joey and Rachel] You guys probably wanna get some hugs in too, huh? Big news!
Rachel: Awww, no, it's okay, we've actually known for a while.
[There's another pause as Ross gets angry again, much to the concern of Monica and Chandler]
Dr. Ross Geller: What? What? What? You guys knew?
[Joey and Rachel backup against the door frame]
Dr. Ross Geller: You *all* knew and you didn't tell me?
Rachel: Well, Ross, we were worried about you. Okay, we didn't know how you were going to react.
[pause]
Dr. Ross Geller: [happily again] You were worried about me? You didn't know how I was going to react?
[He hugs Joey and Rachel]
Joey: Okay, all right, whew! What do you say we all clear out of here and let these two lovebirds get back down to business?
[Ross turns and glares at him]
Joey: Hey-hey-hey, I-I-I'm just talking here,
[pointing to Chandler]
Joey: He-he's the one doing your sister.
Rachel: Well, maybe she and her friends are just having a contest to see who can bring home the biggest geek.
Ross: Fine by me. Hope she wins.
Rachel: [laughing] Okay! So, we'll just... stay married!
Ross: Yes, exactly!
Rachel: [still laughing] And I will make everyone call me Mrs. Geller!
Ross: Wow! This is so amazing. I really thought I'd have to talk you into this more.
Rachel: [Her laughter slowly dies down] Okay, see now I'm scared because I don't actually think you're kidding.
[Thanksgiving]
Rachel: You know what we should do? We should play that game where everybody says what they're thankful for.
Joey: Oh. I should be thankful for the wonderful fall we've been having.
Everybody: YEAH.
Joey: I remember one day I was at the bus stop and this cool fall breeze came blowing out of nowhere and totally lifted this chick's skirt. Oh. And I'm also thankful for thongs.
[end lines]
Julie: I was thinking of doing it shorter, like Andie MacDowell's haircut.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Oh, I could do that.
Julie: Really?
Phoebe: Yeah. You wanna do it now?
Julie: Great!
Phoebe: Okay.
Julie: Okay.
[to Rachel]
Julie: See you.
Phoebe: [when Julie's out] Okay, I just wanna make really sure this time. Andie MacDowell is the girl from Four Weddings and a Funeral, right?
Rachel: No... No, no, no, no, no, no. That's Roddy McDowall. Andie MacDowell is the guy from Planet of the Apes.
Phoebe: Oh! Yeah, okay.
Rachel: Yeah. Okay?
Phoebe: Thank you.
Rachel: You're welcome.
Rachel: My mother sends me the engagement notices for inspiration.
[looks: ]
Rachel: Oh, my God, oh, my God... Barry and Mindy.
Monica: Barry who you almost...?
Rachel: Barry who I almost.
Monica: And Mindy your maid of...?
Rachel: Mindy my maid of.
Monica: [takes a look] That's Mindy? Well, she is pretty.
[gets sour look]
Monica: Lucky! To have had a friend like you!
[earns smile]
Rachel: [sticking her head out of her bedroom] Uh... morning! Hey, you guys think you could close your eyes for just a sec?
Joey: [grabbing his pants] Oh, no no no no no! I'm not falling for that again!
Phoebe: What's going on?
Rachel: Well, I sorta did a stupid thing last night...
Chandler: What stupid thing did you do?
Paolo: [coming out of Rachel's bedroom] Buon giorno, tutti!
[after Phoebe's message, Monica's answering machine beeps again]
Ross: [on the answering machine] Hi Rach'. Are you there? It's me. Pick up. Rachel? Rach'?
Rachel: [exits her room as the message ends, thinking that Ross is actually calling to her] What?
Ross: [pauses, looking smug at Rachel] Never mind.
Rose: Lord, we thank thee for the blessing of this family vacation. May David find his bliss and bring us all back home safely. May Kenny and Casey fortify their sibling bond over the warm glow of our devoted hearts. And may this entire airplane find safe passage and a bountiful life. Even the Jews. Amen.
Boy in the Cape: My friend told me you were giving out money.
Rachel: I was but now we got candy.
Boy in the Cape: I'd rather have the money.
Rachel: Well, that's not your choice. Happy Halloween.
Boy in the Cape: This isn't fair.
Rachel: Well, is it fair that all you had to do was put on a cape and I have to give you free stuff?
Boy in the Cape: Shut up.
Rachel: You shut up.
Boy in the Cape: You can't tell me to shut up.
Rachel: Uh, I think I just did. And uh oh, here it comes again. Shut up.
Joey: Uh, Rach...
Rachel: No. I got it. I'm good, I got it.
[back to the kid]
Rachel: Now I had one more thing to say to you. Oh, right. Shut up.
Boy in the Cape: You're a mean old woman.
[crying, running away]
Rachel: No, wait, shut up. I mean don't cry. No I'll get my check book.
[runs after the kid]
Rachel: [after Phoebe chickens out of getting a tattoo] Phoebe, how could you do this to me? This was all your idea!
Phoebe: I know, I know, I was going to get it, but then he came in with this needle, and... did you know they do this with needles?
Rachel: Really? You don't say, because mine was licked on by kittens!
[All sitting around coffee table talking about their "weirdest place"]
Rachel: Come on, someone go.
Monica: OK, I'll go, Senior year of college on a pool table.
Ross: That's my sister.
Joey: OK, my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York City Public Library.
Monica: Oh my God. What were YOU doing in a library?
Ross: Phoebs, what about you?
Phoebe: Oh um... Milwaukee.
Rachel: Um... Ross?
Ross: Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All'. The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical dutch children... then they fixed the ride and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.
Phoebe: Ooh, Rachel.
Rachel: Oh come on, I already went.
Monica: You did not go.
Rachel: All right... the weirdest place, would have to be... oh... the foot of the bed.
Ross: Step back...
Joey: We have a winner!
Chandler: [the girls are trying to keep their apartment after losing it in a bet with the guys] Open up, open up, open up!
[pounds on door]
Monica: We'll discuss it in the morning!
Chandler: What the hell is going on?
Rachel: We took our apartment back!
Phoebe: I had nothing to do with it. Okay, it was my idea, but I don't feel good about it.
Chandler: We are switching back right now!
Monica: No we're not! We're not leaving!
Chandler: Well, you're gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have jobs, and as soon as you do, we're switching it back! There's nothing you can do to stop us! Right, Joe?
Joey: I don't know.
Chandler: What?
Joey: I don't wanna move again!
Chandler: I don't care, this is our apartment! And they stole-you stole it-our apartment, and we won that apartment fair and square, twice! And I am getting it back right now. I'm getting back right now!
Rachel: All right. We figured you might respond this way, so we have a backup offer.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no more offers. You can't offer anything to us!
Rachel: Let us keep the apartment and...
Monica: As a thank you, Rachel and I will kiss for one minute.
Chandler: [next scene, Joey and Chandler are returning to their apartment, stretching while walking] Totally worth it!
Joey: That was one good minute!
[the gang is ready to travel to the beach. Rachel arrives, wearing a ridiculously big hat]
Joey: [chuckles] Hey-hey, check out the hat!
Chandler: Wait a minute, I know that hat! I was taken aboard that hat! They did experiments on me! I can't have children!
Monica: Seriously, where did you get the hat?
Rachel: [points at Ross] Ross gave it to me.
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, I think she looks good.
Rachel: [smiles at Ross] Ohh, thank you.
Chandler: Buy it for you, or win it for you?
Rachel: Well excuse me, my fashion-impaired friends, I am here to tell you that hats are back.
Phoebe: And this time, they've ganged up to form one giant, super hat!
Rachel: [on Ross' answering machine] Ross, hi. It's me. I just got back on the plane. And I just feel awful. That is so not how I wanted things to end with us. It's just that I wasn't expecting to see you, and all of a sudden you're there and saying these things... And... And now I'm just sitting here and thinking of all the stuff I should have said, and I didn't. I mean, I didn't even get to tell you that I love you too. Because of course I do. I love you. I love you. I love you. What am I doing? I love you! Oh, I've gotta see you. I've gotta get off this plane.
Ross: Oh my God!
Rachel: Excuse me?
Stewardess: Miss? Please, sit down!
Rachel: I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, but I need to get off the plane, okay? I need to tell someone that I love them.
Stewardess: Miss, I can't let you off the plane.
Ross: Let her off the plane!
Stewardess: I am afraid you are gonna have to take a seat.
Rachel: Oh, please, miss, you don't understand!
Ross: Try to understand!
Rachel: Oh, come on, miss, isn't there any way that you can just let me off...
[the answering machine beeps and cuts off the rest of the message]
Ross: No! No! Oh my God. Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane?
Rachel: [from behind Ross] I got off the plane.
Grace: You know that everything happens for a reason.
Bruce: See, that I don't need. That is a cliche. That is not helpful to me. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I have no bird, I have no bush. God has taken my bird and my bush.
Rachel: [reading Chandler's card and trying not to cry] "Happy birthday, Grandma. It's better to be over the hill..."
Rachel: [opens the card] "... than buried under it."
Rachel: Well, it was one night at a party and we both had a lot of sangria and we started kissing.
Ross: Now that's two of my wives.
Rachel: [breast milk] That is juice squeezed from a person.
[Rachelle is crawling on the floor behind the couch secretly looking for Monica's lost ear-ring]
Monica: Rach? What are you doing?
Rachel: Oh, I just can't watch. It's too scary.
Monica: It's a Pampers commercial.
[Rachel looks up at the screen then goes back down...]
Rachel: Oh, you know me - babies, responsibilities, ahhh.
Rachel: [Emma cries] She needs changing.
Chandler: Oh no no, I'll get her. I am super competent, totally responsible, and fourth in line to raise Emma. I'll be right there, Emma, just let me get my trusty diaper bag.
Chandler: [accidentally knocks over a chair, spilling the box with the good china, smashing them to pieces] Well, what do you know? I guess I'll be the one that dies first.
[during the game Rachel has a Pretzel]
Dr. Ross Geller: Hey, where did you get that?
Rachel: I went really long!
[Ross is about to flirt with Isabella Rosellini. Rachel is amused]
Monica: Rach, are you really gonna let him do this?
Rachel: Honey, he's about to go hit on Isabella Rosselini. I'm just sorry we don't got popcorn!
Ross: What are you thinking?
Rachel: I'm thinking... I'm going to order a pizza.
Ross: Order a pizza, like... I forgive you?
Rachel: [writing a check instead of giving out Halloween candy] Okay, and what's your name?
Lelani: Lelani Mayolanofavich.
Rachel: [pause] I'm just gonna make it out to cash.
Rachel: Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce.
Joey: [looking at Ross] What is the matter with you?
Monica: No. Barry and Mindy.
Joey: Oh, sorry, I hear "divorce" and I automatically go to Ross.
Rachel: No one was supposed to see us kissing!
Monica: Oh, is that why you did it in the secret hallway where no one ever goes?
[Ross has just scared Phoebe and Rachel]
Ross: At what point of those girlish screams would you have begun to KICK MY ASS?
Rachel: Alright, so we weren't PREPARED!
Rachel: What's the final head count on my baby shower?
Phoebe: About twenty. A couple of people from work had something else to do.
Monica: Also, both of your sisters called, and neither can make it.
Rachel: What? You mean they're not coming to a social event where there's no men and no booze? That's shocking!
Ross: Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breasts?
Rachel: 14.
Ross: No, 19.
Chandler: Thanks, man.
[last lines]
Rachel: Okay. Now this is just the first chapter. And I want your *absolute honest* opinion. Okay? Oh, oh, and on page two, he's not reaching for her heaving beets.
Monica: What's a niffle?
Joey: You can usually find them on the heaving beets.
Rachel: All right, all right, all right, so I'm not a great typist.
Dr. Ross Geller: Wait. Did you get to the part about his great throbbing pens? Oh, yes, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!
Rachel: Forget it! Give it back!
[tries to grab back her pages of script amidst much laughter]
Rachel: Maybe there's some kind of league that we can join.
Phoebe: Isn't there a National Football League or something?
Chandler: Yeah, but they only play on Sunday and Monday nights.
Rachel: Oh shoot. I work Monday nights.
Rachel: [ornery monkey getting frisky in Rachel's room] Marcel! Stop it, Marcel! Bad monkey!
Ross: What?
Rachel: Let's just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious.
Ross: You know, you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a major crush on you.
Rachel: I knew.
Ross: You did. Oh... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.
Rachel: I did.
Dr. Ross Geller: You know what I think?... She's weird. It's because she's a twin.
Rachel: Ross, she is not weird. She just likes her stuff to be one-of-a-kind.
Dr. Ross Geller: You know what's not one-of-a-kind? A twin!
Dr. Ross Geller: I was able to get everyone passes to the entire conference. That's right. These will get you into all the paleontology lectures and seminars.
Rachel: Do you have anything that will get us out of them?
Rachel: This is a movie stub from our first date. This is an eggshell from the first time you made me breakfast in bed. This is from the museum, the first time we... were together. OK, maybe I exchange gifts sometimes, but I keep the things that matter.
Ross: I don't know what to say. I'm sorry. Though, you're not supposed to take these.
[points to the bone]
Ross: It's like a million years old. We actually have people looking for that.
- Of the movies.
- You know, motion pictures.
- Rach, will you come with me to a dressing room?
Rachel: Sure.
- Okay.
- Maybe we could do something else.
- You know, that depends on what it is.
- I've done a lot of stuff.
Rachel: Well, maybe they could find a way to bring you back.
Joey: Nah, they said that when they found my body, my brain was so smashed in that the only doctor who could have saved me was me. It's supposed to be some kind of irony.
[Rachel is upset about something]
Phoebe: Aww Pheebs.
Rachel: Honey, that's your name.
Phoebe: Oh, Pheebs is short for Phoebe I thought that's just what we called each other.
Rachel: You didn't even come and visit me when I was in the hospital having the baby.
Amy: Oh yeah, well you didn't come to see me in the hospital when I was getting my lips done.
Rachel: I did the first time! And you want to know why I'm not giving Emily to you?
Ross: Emma
Rachel: Who's side are you on?
Rachel: [serving] Isn't this amazing? I mean, I've never made coffee in my entire life!
Monica: Paul, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Paul.
Joey: Hey, Paul, the wine guy.
Ross: Hey, Paul.
Phoebe: Hey, Paul.
Rachel: Hi, Paul.
Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?
Rachel: Joey got a turkey stuck on his head?
Joey: Hey! It's not how it sounds!
Chandler: It is exactly how it sounds.
Rachel: Ross kissed me.
Phoebe: No!
Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Rachel: It was unbelievable!
Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Phoebe: Okay, we want to hear everything. Monica, get the wine and unplug the phone. Rachel, does it end well or do we need to get tissues?
Rachel: Oh, it ended very well.
Monica: Do not start without me! Do not start without me!
Phoebe: Alright, let's hear about the kiss. Was it like... was it like, a soft brush against your lips or was it like a, you know, "I gotta have you now" kinda thing?
Rachel: Well, at first it was really intense, you know, and then... oh god, and then we just sorta sunk into it...
Phoebe: Ohh, so, ok, was he like holding you or were is hands like, on your back?
Rachel: No, actually first they were... they started out on my waist... and then they slid up, and then they were in my hair...
Phoebe,8062: Ohhh...
Phoebe: Aren't you gonna go?
Rachel: No, thank you.
Monica: No, Rachel never pees in public restrooms.
Rachel: Well, they never have any paper in there, you know, so my rule is: "No tissue, no tushy."
Rachel: OK, promise not to freak out. We can't find Chandler.
[Phoebe walks in. Gives a thumbs up]
Rachel: er's vest. We can't find Chandler's vest?
Monica: Oh, my God! Are you serious.
Phoebe: Don't worry. We found the vest. Although, we're going to have to keep an eye on it before it runs away again.
Monica: [laughing] OK. Don't scare me like that. For a second I was like "Oh, my God! The worst has happened".
Kathy: Why is he in a box?
Rachel: Joey had reasons.
Phoebe: They were threefold!
Rachel: [taunting Ross after losing] Ooh, I'm a man. Ooh, I have a penis. Ooh, I have to win money so I can exert my power over women.
[Re: "If you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?"]
Monica: Sex!
Chandler: Seriously. Answer faster.
Monica: I'm sorry, sweetie. When she said "sex" I wasn't thinking of sex with you.
Chandler: It's like a big hug.
Phoebe: Ross, how about you? Sex or food?
Ross: Sex!
Phoebe: What about sex or dinosaurs?
Ross: My God, it's like Sophie's Choice.
Phoebe: Joey, if you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?
Joey: I don't know it's too hard.
Rachel: Come on, you have to answer.
Joey: Okay... sex. No, food. No, uh... I want both! I want girls on bread!
[after coming out of a Las Vegas chapel married and drunk]
Ross: Well *hello* Mrs. Ross
[throws confetti]
Rachel: Well *hello* Mr. Rachel
[throws confetti]
Rachel: I'm not saying it was a bad movie, I'm just saying, you know, it was a little... hard to follow.
Ross: I told you there was going to be subtitles.
Rachel: I know, I just didn't want to wear my glasses on our first date.
[back at Phoebe and Rachel's apartment, Rachel is sitting on the sofa in the living room as Phoebe arrives]
Rachel: [straightening her hair] Hey. Phoebe can I talk to you for a second?
Phoebe: Sure.
[Phoebe walks away into her room]
Rachel: [stands up] OK. I...
[Rachel turns around to see that Phoebe has gone into her room]
Rachel: [walks around the back of the sofa] Phoebe look, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry, OK? I handled the situation horribly and I should not have lied to you.
Phoebe: [exits her room] So what *should* you have done?
Rachel: Well I-I should've told you the truth.
Phoebe: [slowly] Uh-huh. Which is?
Rachel: Well... you know, the reason that I didn't wanna go running with you is... because um... well, you know, the way that you run is just a little...
[Rachel waves her arms like crazy]
Phoebe: So?
Rachel: Well it's embarrassing! People were looking at us like we were crazy!
Phoebe: Why do you care?
Rachel: Because they're *people*!
Phoebe: But people that you don't know and will never see again.
Rachel: Yes but still, they're people... with *eyes*!
Phoebe: Well, I didn't get embarrassed running next to Miss Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch.
[imitating Rachel]
Rachel: Look, Joey, I'm sorry if - if you thought that was mean, but I gotta tell ya something. That was not mean. OK, my father is mean; he used to yell at me all the time on the boat - I mean, it was horrible. I was just being a good teacher.
Joey: Does a good teacher say, "Put down the beer, pinhead?"
Rachel: Well, does a good student drink seven beers during his first lesson?
Joey: Six and a half! You knocked that last one out of my hand! Remember?
Rachel: Yeah, I didn't want you to get hit by the boom!
Joey: Well, it hit me anyway! And it would've hurt a lot less if I had finished that last beer.
Rachel: Alright, y'know what? I - I'm sorry. I will try to tone it down and, uh, stop yelling.
Joey: You won't boss me around anymore?
Rachel: I won't boss you around.
Joey: And you'll be nice?
Rachel: And I'll be nice.
Joey: And you'll be topless?
Rachel: And I'll - Joey!
Joey: Do you want me to learn?
Monica: Hey, what's this?
Rachel: Oh, it's a gift certificate to this new spa in Soho.
Monica: Oh, you can't show Phoebe this. She hates those corporate massage chains.
Rachel: Oh, what? Now I can't get a massage? There are so many things that she disapproves of. I can't eat veal, I can't wear fur, I can't go hunting.
Monica: Do you wanna go hunting?
Rachel: Well, I would like to have the option.
Monica: I'm Rachel. I love Ross. I hate Ross. I love Ross. I hate Ross.
Rachel: I'm Monica. I can't get a boyfriend so I'll stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy I find there.
Joey: You're whippin' so slow! Can't you do it any faster?
Rachel: Joey, come on! I don't want to make any mistakes. All right, this is the only desert, and if I screw it up, everybody's gonna be like: "Oh, remember that Thanksgiving when Rachel screwed up the trifle?"
[Joey gives her an understanding look]
Rachel: Okay? So why don't you just let me worry about making the trifle, and you just worry about eating it?
Joey: Oh, I am!
Phoebe: [finishing a song she wrote for her friends] Spin the dreidel, Rachel.
Rachel: That was nice, Phoebe, but Rachel doesn't rhyme with dreidel.
Phoebe: I know, it's hard, but nothing rhymes with your stupid name.
[Ross coming back from bathroom, getting ready to play poker with Rachel]
Ross: Your money's mine, Green.
Rachel: Your fly's open, Geller.
Chandler: So tell me something: is leaving the Christmas lights up part of your plan to keep us merry all year long?
Monica: No. You see, someone was supposed to take them down around New Year's, but obviously,
[looks directly at Rachel]
Monica: someone forgot.
Rachel: Well, *someone* was supposed to write, 'Rach, take down the lights,' and put it on the re...
[sees the note]
Rachel: frigera... how long has that been there?
Monica: Hey Rach did you make your money?
Rachel: No, not even close. Forget Vail, forget seeing family, forget shoop, shoop, shoop.
Amy: I got you a present for letting me stay with you. Ready? Ta-dah!
[Takes off Emma's hat and reveals her ears are pierced]
Rachel: You pierced her ears?
Amy: Doesn't it make her nose look smaller?
Grace: Debbie won the lottery.
Bruce: Oh, yeah? You're kidding.
Grace: But I guess so did 400,000 other people, so she only won, like, $17.
[Ross asked Rachel to bring Joey to help move the couch but brought Chandler instead]
Ross: So, did you bring Joey?
Rachel: Uh, no, but I brought the next best thing.
[Chandler walks in]
Ross: Chandler. You brought Chandler. The next best thing would be Monica.
Chandler: Normally, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong.
Phoebe: [brainstorming romanic songs] I think the one Elton John wrote for that guy on Who's the Boss?
Rachel: What song is that Phoebs?
Phoebe: [singing] Hold me close, young Tony Danza
Joey: No. Rosita does not move.
Rachel: I'm sorry? Rosita? As in...
Joey: As in, "Rosita does not move."
Rachel: Joey, it's just a chair! What's the big deal?
Joey: The big deal is that it is the exact equal distance from the bathroom to the kitchen and it's at the perfect angle so you don't get any glare coming off of Stevie.
Rachel: Stevie the TV?
Rachel: Finally. I get to see what Joey Tribbiani is like on a date. So, you got any moves?
Joey: No. I'm just myself, and if the girl doesn't like that, then...
[breaks down laughing]
Joey: I'm sorry, I couldn't even get through that.
[Kiki is studying Sam's palm]
Sam: Wait a second. You read palms?
Kiki: A hundred-year-old Gypsy king taught me. Maybe he was closer to 80. But he was definitely a king.
Sam: How could you tell?
Kiki: He had a crown.
Rachel: What do you think is a better excuse for why I'm not drinking on this date tonight, "I'm a recovering alcoholic", "I'm a Mormon", or "I got so hammered last night I'm still a little drunk."?
Rachel: [to her friends] I just feel like I need one last fling, get it out of my system, I just want have meaningless sex with the next guy I see.
Chandler: [drops the pool ball] Excuse me, I seem to have dropped my ball.
Rachel: Yeah, so?
Chandler: [picks it up] And now I've picked it up again.
[first lines]
Rachel: You gotta see these latest pictures of Emma.
Phoebe: Ooh how cute. She looks just like a little doll.
Rachel: Oh, no no! That is a doll.
Phoebe: Oh thank God because that thing is really creepy.
- Oh, no.
Monica: Bye. Don't wait up.
Rachel: Okay, chip, let's go.
- Judy: Oh, dear.
- Jack, how do I turn this off?
- I can't believe you did that.
- Yeah, well...
Janice: Janice has a question: Who of the six of you has slept with who of the six of you?
Phoebe: Its like a dirty math problem.
Dr. Ross Geller: The answer would be none of us.
Janice: None of you have gotten drunk and stupid over the years?
Joey: Well, that's a different question.
Janice: I find it hard to believe a group of people who spend as much time together as you do has never bumped uglies. I've got another question: Who of the six of you has almost?
Rachel: [they all quickly get up] Can I get anyone more coffee?
Joey: Hey, there's a dog out there!
Joey: [about Rachel's assistant, Tag] If he doesn't like you, then this is all just a moo point.
Rachel: Huh. A moo point?
Joey: Yeah, it's like a cow's opinion, you know, it just doesn't matter. It's "moo".
Rachel: Have I been living with him for too long, or did that all just make sense?
Rose: You're not a neighbor. You're a drug dealer. Whose apartment smells like cheese and feet.
David: Mm. Yeah, it's a candle I got from Anthropologie. 'Cheesy Feet' is what they call it. It's a best-seller.
[it's pouring rain and the six friends run towards the beach house with Joey and Ross sheltering themselves with their suitcases and Chandler and Monica sheltering under Rachel's big hat as Phoebe unlocks the doors]
Dr. Ross Geller: [sheltering himself with his suitcase] Go! Go! Go!
Rachel: [annoyed] Oh yeah! Now everybody wants to be *under* the hat!
[Phoebe opens the doors, turns on the lights and the friends enter the beach house find the floor completely covered with sand]
Chandler: [slowly] Oh.
Rachel: [surprised] Aye.
Monica: [picks up some sand] What's with all the sand?
Phoebe: Oh yeah. Bob said there might be flood damage.
Dr. Ross Geller: Either that or he has a really big cat!
Kids in the hall: Trick or Treat.
Rachel: Oooh, can I be with the kids right now. Ever since I got pregnant I had the strongest maternal instincts.
Kids in the hall: Trick or treat.
Rachel: JUST A MINUTE!
Rachel: So?...
Mindy: Now, I know things have been weird lately, but you're like my oldest friend except for maybe Laurie Schaffer, who I don't talk to anymore cause she's all bitter now that she lost the weight and it turns out she doesn't have a pretty face
[...]
Mindy: Okay, I'm just gonna ask you this once and I want a straight answer.
Rachel: OK
Mindy: Would you be my maid of honor?
Rachel: OF COURSE!
Joey: Remember when your mom used to drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a spoon?
Rachel: [pause] You're so pretty.
Rachel: I have to go to the bathroom.
Phoebe: I have to go scream into a pillow.
Monica: What's the part?
Joey: It's not a part. No. I'm teaching Acting for Soap Operas at the Learning Extension.
Ross: Come on. That's great.
Joey: It's like my chance to give something back to the acting community.
Ross: You know, you're probably not allowed to sleep with any of your students.
Joey: [long pause] I know.
Rachel: Oh, please. You inhale your food.
Ross: I grew up with Monica. If you didn't eat fast, you didn't eat!
Rachel: Monica! Monica, look at this lamp. Is this tacky or what? We have to have this.
Monica: Rach, I think we have enough regular lamps.
Rachel: What? Oh come on! I mean, it's, it's not, it's not like I'm asking for this girly clock or anything. Which by the way, I also think is really cool.
Monica: Look, it doesn't go with any of my stuff?
Rachel: Well, what about my stuff?
Monica: You don't have any stuff.
Rachel: You still think of it as your apartment, don't you?
Monica: Nnnnnnnnnnnnnno...
Rachel: Yes you do. You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just someone who rents a room.
Monica: ...Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Rachel: Okay, well you "mmmmm" on that for a while. I'm gonna go find a place for my new lamp!
Rachel: Maybe it means "Tell Monica I'm sorry I drank that kast of the milk" or maybe "Tell Monica I'm sorry I used your tweezers to pluck my nose hair"
[Ross and Phoebe stare at Rachel]
Rachel: He does. I've seen him.
Phoebe: Maybe he's writing to tell her he changed his name. Like "Tell Monica I'm Sorry".
Ross: I think it means he freaked out.
Phoebe: Don't be so negative. Isn't it possible that Sorry's in there right now.
Monica: What?
- You're all going to hell.
Rachel: It's really not that big.
- Taking that with you, huh?
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, you coming?
- Yeah, in a second.
Phoebe: Ooh, look! Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch of candles.
Phoebe: [the gang rushes to the window] Ew...
Phoebe: OOH!
Rachel: That had to hurt!
Monica: And Dad, you know that mailman that you got fired? He didn't steal your playboys. Ross did!
Ross: Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing. Monica did!
Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year!
Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together!
Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas and got divorced... again!
Phoebe: I love Jacques Cousteau!
Rachel: I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle!
Joey: I wanna go!
Judy: That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds!
Rachel: Monica said I could make dessert this year.
Joey: Uh, you're gonna cook something?
Rachel: Huh, yeah, I cook.
Chandler: Offering people gum is not cooking.
[the "Yeti" closes his door on Rachel and Monica for the third time]
Monica: Wow. The guy is so rude.
Rachel: Really? What is *with* that guy? You'd forgive me if I fogged you?
Monica: [stares at Rachel] Well you did, a little bit.
[Rachel gasps]
Rachel: [shocked] Oh my god! Honey I'm so sorry!
Monica: [smiling] I totally forgive you!
Rachel: Really?
[they hug]
Rachel: [to Melissa Warburton] C'mon, remember we were on the sleeping porch. We couldn't stop giggling... and our coconuts
[party bras]
Rachel: kept knocking together.
Phoebe: Oh! Somewhere, Joey's head is exploding.
Rachel: I know that you and I kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city
Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding...?
Rachel: Oh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue.
Joey: C'mon. I got your secrets, I got their secrets; I got secrets of my own, you know.
Rachel: [rolling her eyes] You don't have any secrets.
Joey: Oh, yeah? Well, you don't know about Huggsy, my bedtime penguin pal.
Joey: [blushes, embarrassed]
Rachel: You know, I can't believe I even thought about getting back together with you! We are sooo over!
Ross: [fakes sobbing] Fine by me!
Rachel: Oh, oh, and hey-hey-hey, those little spelling tips will come in handy when you're at home on Saturday nights playing Scrabble with Monica!
Monica: Hey!
Rachel: Sorry.
[to Ross]
Rachel: I just feel bad about all that sleep you're gonna miss wishing you were with me!
Ross: Oh, no-no-no, don't you worry about me falling asleep.
[shouts]
Ross: I still have your letter!
Rachel: I was thinking of moving the couch over here.
Joey: Why would you want to do that?
Rachel: So that there would be a decent place for me to sit.
Joey: Rach, there is a decent place...
Rachel: In your lap does not count.
Rachel: Come on Joey, I'll buy you a new one. Alright, we'll go down to the store right now and we'll get you a new chair.
Joey: She's not even cold yet.
Monica: [about the rumor Will and Ross started about her in high school] Rachel, everybody in school heard the rumor.
Rachel: You knew and you didn't tell me?
Monica: Well, I was afraid it might be true, you'd cry and then show it to me!
Rachel: [notices Joey staring at her groin] Joey, stop staring. There's nothing there. It's not true.
Joey: I'm afraid I'm gonna need proof.
Rachel: [taking a "Goddess Quiz"] Number 29: "Have you ever betrayed another goddess for a lightening bearer?"... I would have to say "no."
Monica: And I would have to say "P-ha!"
Rachel: [talking to another man] And so then I realized all this stuff that I had been doing: proposing to Joshua, lying to Ross about why I couldn't come to the wedding was all just a way...
[Rachel is cut off by the Gentleman]
The Gentleman on the Plane: Oh, oh, oh. I'm sorry, can I interrupt? You know, I just want to say that you are a horrible, horrible person.
Rachel: Pardon me?
The Gentleman on the Plane: Well, you say you love this man, and yet you're about to ruin the happiest day of his life. I'm afraid I have to agree with your friend 'Phebes'. This a terrible, terrible plan.
Rachel: But he has to know how I feel.
The Gentleman on the Plane: But why? He loves this... this Emily person. No good can come of this.
Rachel: Well, I think you're wrong.
The Gentleman on the Plane: [sarcastically] Oh no!
Rachel: Well, he doesn't really love her, it's just a rebound thing from me. You'll see.
The Gentleman on the Plane: Fortunately, I won't.
[the gentleman puts on his headphones, then takes them off]
The Gentleman on the Plane: And by the way, it seems to be perfectly clear that you were on a break.
[Rachal gasps in rage when hearing the annoying phrase that Ross told her so many times before]
Monica: Well, there was that rumor about you making out with Miss Altman, our 50-year-old librarian.
Ross: [to Rachel] How did you know that?
Monica: What? So it's true?
Ross: [to Monica] No.
Rachel: Oh, yeah it is. I saw you going at behind the card cataloge.
Ross: Hey, what were you doing in the library?
Rachel: They had magazines!
Rachel: This is a girls' apartment! That is a boy's apartment! It's dirty and it smells!
Kiki: I wanted to help, so I became a volunteer. It helps pass the time.
Sam: You don't strike me as a person who just passes the time.
Kiki: Hmm, waiting is more like it.
Sam: Boyfriend?
Kiki: Little brother.
Sam: What's his name?
Kiki: Robert Allen. Bobby.
Sam: How long has Bobby been gone?
Kiki: It'll be two years in December.
Sam: I'm sorry.
Kiki: Hm. Not as sorry as he's gonna be when I see him.
Joey: Pharmacists are Phun.
Rachel: I know, that old lady at the end was ready to take you home.
Joey: Not enough pills in the world, Rach.
Rachel: I'm training to be better at a job that I hate. My life officially sucks.
Rachel: [throws off her light blue robe and gasps at herself, completely naked] Oh! Look what happened...
[looking about, thinking to herself]
Rachel: Check me *out*. I'm in my kitchen... *naked*.
[shrugs, picks up an orange]
Rachel: I'm pickin' up an orange... and I'm *naked*.
[puts the orange down, heads over to the couch with a smile]
Rachel: I'm lighting the candle... *naked*. And carefully.
Rachel: Phoebe! You picked Joey AND Ross! You cannot have two backups!
Phoebe: Of course I can. It's just good sense to back up your backup. Look, I've already lost Chandler.
Rachel: [throws her arms up into the air to welcome them] Tah-dah!
Chandler: Are we greeting each other that way now? Because I like that!
Monica: Are you out of a job?
Rachel: No, they stuck me in Personal Shopping, which is just a huge step down.
Phoebe: Personal Shopping, what is that? Like where you walk around with snooty rich people and tell them what to buy?.. That sounds great!
Rachel: So Joey, I just hooked Ross and Chandler up with tuxedos for the wedding Do you need one?
Joey: No, I'm performing the ceremony. I'm not wearing a tux.
Rachel: Well, what are you going to wear?
Joey: Multicolored robes. Ooh and maybe a hat.
Rachel: Does Monica know about this?
Joey: I don't think so.
Rachel: Can I please be there when you tell her?
[filling out a form]
Monica: Are you currently on any medication?
Rachel: Um, oh, wait yes. Blistex.
Monica: Okay, no.
Rachel: [upset because Joey's just ruined the end of 'The Shining' for her] All right... Okay. Laurie proposes to Jo and she says no even though she's still in love with him. And then he ends up marrying Amy.
Joey: Hey! Mine was by accident! All right. The boiler explodes and destroys the hotel and kills the dad.
Rachel: Beth dies.
Joey: [completely horrified] Beth... Beth dies?
[to Chandler]
Joey: If I keep reading is Beth gonna die?
Chandler: No, Beth doesn't die. She doesn't die, does she, Rachel?
Rachel: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: Joey is asking if you've just ruined the first book he's ever loved that didn't star Jack Nicholson.
Chandler: Can you see my nipples through this shirt?
Rachel: No. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there.
- She doesn't have a stomaohache!
- She's in labor!
- Oh, my god!
Rachel: If you think that I didn't say goodbye...
- Because you don't mean as much to me as everybody else, you're wrong.
- It's because you mean more to me.
- Rach!
- What?
Chandler: There just don't happen to be any women in our game.
Joey: Yeah, we just don't happen to know any women that know how to play poker.
Monica: Oh, please, that is such a lame excuse! That's a typical guy response.
Ross: Excuse me, do any of you know how to play?
Monica,8061: No...
Rachel: But you could teach us!
Ross,8065: No...
Rachel: Marcel, did you poo in the shoe?
Rachel: [after being told how often a baby soils a diaper] It goes ten times a day? What are we feeding this kid, Indian food?
Rachel: [after singing bow chicka wow wow] . What is that song? It's been in my head all day.
Chandler: It's the theme song to Good Will Humping.
Rachel: Oh, my god. Look at her.
- Hi, Monica!
Joey: Ha-ha-ha, how's it going?
- Hey, nice boobs.
- Guys, guys. Check this out.
Rachel: Do you have a problem with me?
Will: I dunno... do I, do I?
Phoebe: I think you do!
Monica: [eagerly] We need to sort through the tickets as quickly as possible to see if we've won! So does anyone have any ideas how to organise this?
[Joey is about to answer but Monica suddenly continues speaking]
Monica: OK how about this: We divide them into 6 groups of 40. The remaining 10 can be read by whoever finishes their pile first.
Rachel: [raises her hand] Ooh I have another idea.
Monica: [smartly] I'm sorry. Idea Time is over.
[disappointed, Rachel lowers her hand]
Phoebe: [checking the tickets in Monica's glass bowl] OK. Well are *all* the tickets in the bowl?
Monica: Yeah.
Chandler: What about the ones you have on the nightstand?
Monica: There are no tickets on the nightstand.
Chandler: Yes there are. I just saw them a few minutes ago.
[Ross silently gestures to Rachel to look in Monica's bedroom, which she does]
Monica: [trying to sound innocent] Ah... no you didn't. You must be mistaken.
Chandler: Honey, there were like 20 tickets on the nightstand.
Monica: [firmly] Chandler, sense the tone.
Phoebe: [goes to sit down after giving Monica and Rachel a hug] I *really* needed that.
Monica: [comforting Rachel] Look, I know that you're in a place right now where you really need to hate Julie's guts, but... she didn't do anything wrong. I mean, she's just a girl who met a guy and now they go out... and I really think that if you gave her a chance, you'd like her.
[Rachel emotionally exhales and inhales]
Monica: [moves Rachel's hair away from her eyes] Will you just give that a chance... for me?
[pause]
Rachel: [emotionally high pitched] I'd do anything for you! You know that!
Monica: [emotionally high pitched] I'd do anything for you!
[they hug]
Phoebe: [comes over] Wait! Wait! Wait! WAIT!
[they all hug]
Phoebe: You guys, you really should get rid of those animals. They shouldn't be living in an apartment.
Rachel: Yeah, especially not with all of these knives and cookbooks around.
Phoebe: Ew...
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Ugly Naked Guy's taking his turkey out of the oven!
Phoebe: [Julie has asked Phoebe to cut her hair] Rachel, just so I don't screw it up again - Andie MacDowell is the actress in "Four Weddings and a Funeral", right?
Rachel: Uh, no. That's Roddy McDowall. Andie MacDowell is the actor in "Planet of the Apes'.
Rachel: [being waken up by the chick at 6 am] What the hell is that?
Rachel: [Monica comes out of her room] What the hell is that? Was it you?
Monica: [they hear the chick again. Rachael growls and heads toward the door to go to Chandler and Joey's room] You're really not a morning person, are you?
Rachel: Back off!
Rachel: OK, listen to what Sean McMann said in my yearbook. 'Dear Rachel, you are a very nice person.' Not girl; person.
Ross: Rachel, I think you're reading too much into it.
Rachel: 'Dear Rachel, you are a very nice person. Sorry about your teeny weeny.'
[Will laughs at Rachel]
Ross: Look, what do you want me to do? You want me to call everyone in the entire school and tell them it wasn't true?
Rachel: Yes.
Will: Could you also tell them I'm skinny now?
Monica: Oh, me too.
Ross: Now look, I'm not calling anybody. Ok, it was like a million years ago.
Rachel: I don't care how long ago it was. You told people I was half and half.
Rachel: I'm sorry, this must be so embarrassing.
Charlie: Oh, don't worry. My father is a raging alcoholic.
[Sarcastically]
Charlie: Oh, I'm sorry, did I make things awkward?
Rachel: Thank you for my beautiful earrings. They're perfect. I love you.
Dr. Ross Geller: Now, you can exchange them if you want, ok?
Rachel: Now I love you even more.
Rachel: How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?
Dr. Ross Geller: You - You know I don't ha - have a problem with that.
Ross: [frantically presses buttons on answering machine] Oh my God! Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane?
Rachel: [from behind] I got off the plane.
Rachel: From this point on, it's strictly professional.
Kathy: [walks in] Hey, Rachel. Cute assistant! What is his story? Is he...
Rachel: Gay? Yeah.
Rachel: You know what I figure, If I can do laundry, there's nothing I can't do.
Monica: Hello, Mr. Heckles.
Mr. Heckles: You're doing it again.
Monica: We're not doing anything.
Mr. Heckles: You're stomping. It's disturbing my birds.
Rachel: You don't have birds.
Mr. Heckles: I could have birds.
Monica: Okay, we'll try to keep it down.
[last lines]
Rachel: Do you guys have to go to the new house right away or do you have some time?
Monica: We've got some time.
Rachel: Ok, should we get some coffee?
Chandler: Sure. Where?
Rachel: Wait a minute - you let Ross drive the Porsche, and when I ask, you say you're the only one who's allowed to drive it.
Monica: Yeah - well, he's my brother; and plus, he drives so slow, he could never hurt it.
Dr. Ross Geller: It's a car, not a rocket ship.
Monica: Whatever. Ross, just replace the bulbs in the brake lights after you're done.
- You are a very bad man.
- You owe me a cat.
Rachel: Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
- Here, kitty, kitty.
- Where did you go, little kitty, kitty, kitty?
- Kitty, kitty, kitty. Come here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty...
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