Top 50 Quotes From George Bluth Sr.

George Bluth Sr.: [via satellite from prison, his teachings have started a riot] Hanukkah can be spelled so many ways, oh GOD!

Michael: What's a Surrogate doing here?
Larry: We're meeting with the lawyers.
George Sr.: So I hired this guy to be my eyes and ears.
Michael: You know, dad, this guy costs us a fortune.
Larry: He's worth every penny.
George Sr.: Hey, I didn't say that.

George Sr.: Next time this happens, I may not have a son in law to offer...
Michael: Well, I'm not...
[pauses]
Michael: OFFER?
George Sr.: Offer me counseling. He should have stayed a shrink.

Michael: And I am going to be pretending to be your lawyer during the mock trial, whether you like it or not.
George Bluth Sr.: You're the lawyer! Oh, that's the same representation Captain Hook had.
Lucille: Oh, it's so good to laugh again!

George Bluth Sr.: I certainly didn't teach Buster how to compete, and look at how he turned out!
Byron: I think Mother is raising me just fine.
George Bluth Sr.: I used my contacts to get you a job and you quit!
Narrator: The job was at an Iraqi-owned toy store who wanted to use Buster to deter shoplifters.

Narrator: Gob was planning his escape from prison.
Gob: [peering into the cell block] Is there a private bathroom nearby?
George Sr.: [addresses the cell latrine] You're looking at it.
Gob: No, no, no. I can't use that. I need privacy. Yeah, I've always been that way. I can't go without privacy.
[sees that his dad is serious]
Gob: No, I can't pass this key without privacy!
George Sr.: Well, I could ask the guys to leave, but, uh, you know they've been locking the doors lately.
[goes back to reading]
Gob: [defeated] I've made a huge mistake.

Michael: You taught me a lesson about not teaching lessons?
George Sr.: That was my last lesson.

Michael: I burned it. Down to the ground.
George Sr.: There was money in that banana stand.
Michael: Well, it's all gone now.
George Sr.: There was $250,000 lining the inside walls of the banana stand.
Michael: What?
George Sr.: Cash, Michael. What the hell did you think I meant when I said...
[strangles Michael]
George Sr.: [yells] There is money... in... the banana stand.
Prison: [George Sr. quickly takes his hands off Michael] No Touching.
George Sr.: No touching.
Prison: No touching.

[Michael wants to teach his son a lesson like the ones his father used to teach him]
Michael: I need the guy with the fake arm, J. Walter Weatherman.
George: Oh, he's dead. You killed him when you left the door open with the air conditioning on.

George Bluth Sr.: Michael, do you have any idea what it's like to have a sibling who has no source of income except for you?
Michael: Just one? No, I don't. It sounds wonderful, though.

Oscar: I'm your dad's twin brother! I'M OSCAR! DOT COM!
Michael: I'm taking my son to the cabin and there's nothing you can say to convince me that you're not my dad.
Oscar: I understand. Your son comes first.
Michael: Oh my god, you're Oscar.
Oscar: Dot com.

Michael: We dont want to relive the TBA debacle.
Narrator: Years earlier, the Bluth's held their first fundraiser, but the family had a hard time agreeing on a cause.
George Sr.: [reading the slips] "Neckflap". "Ovarian Cancer". Gee, I wonder who that was? "Shrinkage". Somebody saw Seinfeld last night! Another one for "Neckflap".
Narrator: So they sent out invitations with the disease still to be announced. To their surprise, the Bluth's wound up raising over $25,000 dollars for TBA. Then, and here's the really horrible part, they did it again the following year.
Gob: [footage of George Michael's Star Wars Kid] Keep fighting, little guy! Soon, we'll rid the world of T.B.A.!
Michael: When they found out, we almost had a riot on our hands.

Narrator: And George Sr. had managed to startle nobody but himself.
George Bluth Sr.: There's nothing to do there all day but lift weights, fold laundry... and get thrown into a cage with a bunch of sweaty men. Oh god, I cant go back. Cant go back!
[he leaves]
Gay: I'm glad he wont be there. He's ugly.

Gob: I didn't even know we had a cabin in the woods.
Michael: Oh shit. I've never been to the cabin, GOB.
Narrator: Though he had often been promised.
George Sr.: [flashback - "1977"] Oh sorry buddy, something came up. This nice lady here lost her puppy and I'm going to help her find it.
George Sr.: [flashback - "1980"] Oh sorry buddy, this girl's dad got sick and I'm taking her to the hospital.
George Sr.: [flashback - "1983"] Come on, you're old enough to understand this by now - I'm nailing this broad!

Narrator: Oscar was longing for his sweet freedom.
Oscar: [to Buster] Do you have any Sweet Freedom or any of the Hawaiian blends?

Michael: Do you know what they do to people who commit treason?
George Sr.: First time!
Michael: I've never heard of a second.
George Sr.: I got the worst
[bleep]
George Sr.: -ing attorneys.

George Sr.: [explaining why he left the company to Lucille] They cannot arrested a husband and wife for the same crime.
Michael: Yeah, I don't think that that's true, Dad.
George Sr.: Really?
Michael: [nods]
George Sr.: [whispering] I got the worst fucking attorneys.

Narrator: In an effort to "hip" up his act, Gob had briefly introduced a puppet.
[Gob is acting as a black puppet named Franklin in front of the family]
Gob: [as Franklin] Can I tell you something, my man?
Gob: [as himself] Sure, Franklin.
Gob: [as Franklin] You are one cool
[bleep]
Gob: . Speaking of mothers, let me give that oatmeal some brown sugar.
[the puppet 'kisses' Lucille]
George Sr.: Get off my wife, you bastard.
[strangles Franklin]
Gob: [as Franklin] What's the matter with you?
Gob: [in the present] Franklin said some things Whitey wasn't ready to hear.
Michael: Gob, weren't you also mercilessly beaten outside of a club in Torrance for that act?
Gob: He also said some things that African-American-y wasn't ready to hear either.

[Tobias discovers that George Sr. has been living in the attic]
Tobias: What are you doing up here?
George Sr.: I'm having a fucking tea party, what does it look like? I live here. You tell anyone, you are DEAD.
[he shoves Tobias up against the wall with his hand against his mouth]
George Sr.: Stop licking my hand, you horse's ass.

George Sr.: What do I care? I've got a great wife, a wonderful hobby... I'm having the time of my life!
Narrator: His hobby was making papier mache copies of his own head.

Michael: What the hell is that thing?
George Sr.: An electromagnet. Think of it as a giant delete key.

George Sr.: [while Michael and GOB are teaching his father an elaborate lesson] Please don't hurt me!
Narrator: But the mistreated painters were actually looking forward to that part.

George: [George Michael answers phone] Hello, Bluth Company.
George: Talk you off what, PopPop?
George Bluth Sr.: Oh, George Michael! I thought you were - when's that voice gonna drop? Put Kitty on the phone.

Tobias: What are you doing up here?
George Bluth Sr.: [he shoves Tobias against the wall with his hand covering Tobias's mouth] I'm having a fucking tea party, what does it look like? I live here and if you tell anybody, you are dead.
Narrator: Tobias saw the raw power of George Sr.
George Bluth Sr.: Ah, stop licking my hand, you horse's ass!

[Repeated Line]
George Sr.: I have the worst fucking attorneys.

George Sr.: [talking about his house arrest] You gotta get me out of here.
Michael: You're the one that said "no" to prison.
George Sr.: I was wrong. There you just had to shut your eyes and take it. Here, you have to shut your eyes and give it.

George Bluth Sr.: [via satellite from prison] Some of my students are arguing the significance of the shank bone on the Seder plate. But we do NOT wag our genitals at one another to make a point!
Michael: Thought provoking.

[Buster gets a hook to replace the hand he lost]
Buster: Hey, Uncle.
[Buster gives Oscar a shoulder rub and repeatedly jabs him with the hook]
Oscar: Ow! Ah! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! You've got my tendon caught on your claw!
Buster: My claw?
[Buster stares at his hook in sheer terror as Psycho-type music plays]
Buster: I'm a MONSTER!

Maeby: Wait until you find out who the new president is.
George Bluth Sr.: Oh no.
Gob: Did somebody say, "wait until you find out who the president is"?
Lucille: Yes, but then we figured it out, and your father said "oh no."
George Bluth Sr.: So hold on, we've got three million tied up in something Gobs involved in?
Maeby: Maybe we could hire him, like, a really good assistant?
Gob: One step ahead of you. I took this guy home last night after I found him next to the police station. Please, say hello to my new right hand man.
[long Pause]
Gob: Now, Geo-bead
Buster: Did somebody say, "I took this guy home with me after I found..."
[elevator door closes on him, trapping his hand as it goes down]

Narrator: On the next "Arrested Development", Michael finds it difficult to get his father out of prison.
Michael: You LOVE IT here?
George Sr.: I'm having the time of my life! Hey, T-Bone.
[high-fives another prisoner]

Gob: What do you think, dad... a whole... tiny town?
Larry: Another brilliant idea, Einstein!
Gob: Really? You'll build it with me?
George Sr.: Larry never really knows how to sell the sarcasm.

Michael: What's all this?
George Sr.: Computer stuff from the office.
Michael: No, no, no, no, pop. You're not doing another one of those Black Fridays, are you? The mass firings?
Narrator: Before firing his employees, George Sr. would be sure to clear the office of its valuables.
Ted: So when do we get to see our fancy new offices?
George Sr.: [closing the truck door] When you get your fancy new jobs. You're all fired.
Narrator: The employees never saw it coming, although their first task was to unload their equipment from a truck.
George Sr.: No, it's not black Friday although I did enjoy those.

George: That's my ex-girlfriend, Ann. Her face will be forever etched in my mind.
George Sr.: Her?
George: She's really funny.
George Sr.: Well, let's hope so.

George Bluth Sr.: You never promise crazy a baby.

White: I got worse plans for you if you keep trying to convert my team.
George Sr.: Okay, hold on. Hold it now, hold it. Now I'm doing no such thing and both of our religions have a lot to offer. There's the Jewish notion of heaven, and that it can be obtained here on earth, and there is your belief in the cleansing power of the pipe.
White: No more teaching from you!
George Sr.: No teaching! No teaching!

Lucille: [Lucille's necklace flies across the room to the electromagnet] That's not a real gold necklace, is it?
George Sr.: Well, it wasn't really your 50th birthday.

Michael: That's why I had this meeting here, so Dad could not interfere.
Larry: Interfere? I ought to pull down your pants and spank your ass raw.
Michael: I'm sorry, have we met?
Bob: This is Larry Middleman, he's your father's surrogate.
Michael: Surrogate?
Larry: That's right, you dumb fuck!
George Sr.: I hired this guy to wear a camera in his hat so he could be my eyes and ears while I'm stuck in this penthouse.
Larry: This camera helps me keep tabs on you idiots... while this thing rubs my ankle raw.
George Sr.: I mean, look at this thing...
Larry: I can't even go in the hallway...
George Sr.: Without hearing that...
Larry: Beep. Beep. Beep.

George Bluth Sr.: Just because a woman gets pregnant doesn't mean you have to marry her. Too many lives have been ruined because some cheap waitress at a HoJo said she used an IUD.
Lucille: It was a Stucky's.
George Bluth Sr.: But I believed you.

George Sr.: Daddy horny, Michael.

Larry: Larry, go to a mirror!
George Bluth Sr.: You're fired!
Larry: I'm fired? What? And this is how you tell me? At a wedding?
George Bluth Sr.: You should not have said that!
Larry: You shouldn't have said anything!

Michael: I think it's getting too risky keeping you up here.
George Bluth Sr.: You know what's risky? Lettin' your son go on that church thing.
Michael: Her name's Ann, Dad, and he's not "going" on her, okay?
Michael: They're just friends.
George Bluth Sr.: Not for long.

Narrator: There were actually two "Startled Straight" tents, but George Sr. had accidentally wandered into the church sponsored one, determined to steer homosexual men into a more heterosexual lifestyle.
George Bluth Sr.: You want to have some guy reach around you in the middle of the night, start messing with your junk?
Gay: Is he ugly?
George Bluth Sr.: You can't see anything. It's pitch black. And it NEVER STOPS, guys! And everybody acts like it's no big deal.
Gay: Is there a cover charge?

Gob: [laughing at a joke an employee told about George Sr] Into the Kitty.
George Sr.: [to Michael] Fire Tom and get your jackass brother out of here.

George Sr.: I'm going to get a lethal injection because my son won't eat a potato.

Bob: I'd be very careful of these British people. They're gonna try to get their hands on any evidence they can to hurt the family.
George Sr.: So you're saying shred the evidence?
Bob: No, that's illegal. The prosecution is entitled to that evidence. Without it, they don't have a case.
George Sr.: So you're saying shred the evidence.
Bob: That's a felony. And I certainly couldn't endorse anything like that.
George Sr.: Got ya.
[to Larry]
George Sr.: Wink.
Larry: Wink. Did you say wink? Or did you wink?
Michael: He said that too, Dad.

George Sr.: [George Sr. installs a hot tub in the attic] It's so hot. You got to get it outta here, Mikey, my *eyes*, they're burning.
Michael: That's why people don't typically cook in these things or install them in attics.
George Sr.: They looked good on the package.
Michael: Is that chicken marsala stuck in the intake?

George Sr.: Yeah, but what if she gives it to somebody who's even moderately intelligent?
Narrator: In fact, Kitty had gone to someone moderately intelligent in her continuing quest for control of the Bluth Company.

Michael: Do you know what they do to people who commit treason?
George Sr.: First time.
Michael: I've never heard of a second.
George Sr.: I got the worst
[bleep]
George Sr.: -ing attorneys.

Narrator: As Michael was becoming more selfish, his father was choosing a more pious path - which made Buster and Lucille's visit go much differently than planned.
Lucille: Why is there a piece of shoe on your head?
George Sr.: This is a - well, it's a reminder that the divine presence is always above me.

Narrator: Michael had not spoken to his father since the arrest. So he decided to give his father the courtesy of a formal resignation.
Michael: I quit.
George Sr.: Probably a good career move.