Top 50 Quotes From Who's the Boss?

Tony: Well, could you just try to remember what I said?
Angela: Tony, if I had a lobotomy I would remember that.
Tony: Well, good, because let me tell you one thing, Angela. You'd never catch me doing something dumb like sleeping with my employer.

Samantha: [when she sees Chad kissing Susie] Chad?
Chad: Sam! Uh, it's not what it looks like. She means nothing to me.
Susie: Yeah, that's right. I mean nothing to him.
Bonnie: Take it easy, Sam. You don't want to make a scene.
Samantha: Bonnie, please. I'm a mature woman. I know how to handle these things.
[Sam kicks Chad in the shins and walk off with Bonnie and Julia]
Chad: [after Sam kicks him] Oww! Oww!

Angela: Well, we got on a plane you know swish, swoosh.
Tony: Yeah, well, it sounds like something happened in between the swish and the swoosh.
Angela: Well, we went to Las Vegas, and we got married but I thought we got the marriage annulled the next day?
Angela's: No. These are just the papers that divided up the garbage collection. Angela, we're still married.
Mona: [bursts into laughter] And to think all of this time that you were married to Michael you were a bigamist.

Mona: It's like dinner theater for crazy people.

Tony: But here's the thing... Uhm... Did I ever tell you how terrific you are and how happy I am with this job?
Angela: I feel a "but" coming on.
Tony: Nonono, no buts. HOWEVER...

Samantha: Now dad remember. Smile, be polite, and whatever you do don't tell the pig joke.
Tony: That one is the real ice breaker.

Bailiff: [to Tony] Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Tony: You bet your life. Truth is my middle name!
Judge: I thought it was Morton.
[Tony pouts]

Angela: [singing] Always a friend...
Samantha: Oh, Angela, please.
Angela: What? What's wrong? Is my voice that bad?
Samantha: Your voice is fine.
Angela: It is, isn't it? My late voice teacher told me that it was not unlike Petula Clark.
Samantha: I just don't ever want to hear that song again.
Angela: Why not?
Samantha: Because Chad McCann is a toad!
Angela: Oh, honey what happened?
Samantha: Well, I caught him kissing Susie Sherman.
Angela: Why, that pubesant little philanderer! How dare he treat you like that?
Samantha: So, you really understand?
Angela: Of course, I do. I'm a woman too,
Samantha: Then, you'll stand by me?
Angela: Hey, we're sisters.

[repeated line]
Tony: Ay-oh! Oh-ay!

Angela: Tony and I love each other. But like friends, not like married people.
Jonathan: But what's the difference?
Samantha: S-E-X.
Jonathan: Sex? Oh, is that all? Then why don't you just have that and get it over with?

Mona: Well, I guess I better hit the books. I have a final tomorrow.
Michael: Oh Mona, you finally did it, huh? You went back to college. Gee that's terrific. Knowledge is its own reward isn't it?
Mona: No. The reward is the spring break at Fort Lauderdale.

Tony: Gee, what a great tub, eh? I mean, a walrus could bathe in there. Oh, no offence.
Angela: It looks like one has. No offence.

Angela: Michael we have seen each other twice in a year. That does not make a happy marriage.
Michael: Look on the bright side, we've only had two fights.

Angela: You threatened my son?
Tony: Yeah, I...
Angela: [looks at Jonathan and then back at Tony] It seems to be working.

Angela: Mother's going home. She says she may take a plane or she may take a train, but if she has to walk, she's going just the same.
Tony: Sounds like she's going to Kansas City.
Jonathan: I hear they got some crazy little women there!

Angela: Was that the phone?
Tony: Yeah, that was the phone.
Angela: Who was it?
Tony: Oh, it was the, uh - Oh, it was the Arthur Murray dance studio. You just won a free dance lesson.
Angela: Great. Now all my problems are solved. I'll be a Rockette.
Tony: You'll be a good one.

Tony: [at the little girl who had recited words from My Fair Lady but passed them as her own poem] Plagiarist!

Tony: Hey, look, Mrs. Rossini, you've got to admit this neighborhood's falling apart. I mean, look at Samantha. When she starts coming home with black eyes, I think it's time for me to get out.
Samantha: Hey, that's because there were three of those guys, Dad. And anyway, I got one guy sneezing out of his ear.

[Tony found out Michael spent the night]
Tony: Look, I may be way out of line here, but I don't wanna see you get hurt. I just think you're moving a little too fast.
Angela: Tony, we're married.
Tony: Yeah, but you're engaged to be divorced.

Mona: See, my instincts tell me this is the man for my grandson - and it doesn't hurt that he's a hunk.
Angela: Mother, I'm not looking for a hunk for a housekeeper.
Mona: Why not? He'll do floors. He'll lift furniture. Can I come over when he lifts?

Michael: Boy, Jonathan went out like a light.
Tony: Hey, eh, is Sam sleeping?
Michael: No she's watching some movie about blood-sucking puppets.
Tony: Ooh! She's in big trouble!
Michael: Yeah I wouldn't let a kid of mine watch that either.
Tony: What? Are you kidding me? I told her to call me when it started.

Mona: [When Frankie Fitzgerald tries to out bid her daughter to purchase Tony as part of a neighborhood auction.] Angela I know what's good for you... Buy him!

Grant: Angela, who is this?
Angela: Well, Grant, you're not going to believe this, but this is my new housekeeper.
Grant: Housekeeper? Angela, this is the ugliest woman I've ever seen.

Marci: Oh I get it... well maybe we can help pay for it.

Tony: Oh, wait - a bathroom? I mean, don't you have things in there that are too personal to mention, you know, like, I don't know, false eyelashes?
Angela: I'll tell you what. If you find anything too personal to mention, just clean it and don't mention it.

Samantha: But, Dad, how can a woman make enough money to afford a great house like this?
Tony: Well, I mean, she works hard, and she's real smart. Hey, you could do the same thing.
Samantha: I can?
Tony: Sure.
Samantha: Then I think I'll be the manager of the Mets.
Tony: Good choice. Good choice. I'll be so proud of you when you're out there kicking dirt on umpires.

Angela: Well mother, you're welcome to stay with me anytime you burn your apartment down.

Tony: I'm Tony Micelli. I'm here about the job.
Angela: Oh, I'm sorry. There must be a mistake. This job is for a housekeeper.
Tony: That's me, Mr. Goodmop.
Angela: Well, my mother's screening everyone. Did you meet her?
Tony: Yeah yesterday. She gave me the once over, kicked me in the tires, put me up on the rack...
Angela: Well, she should've checked under your hood, 'cause you're the wrong sex.
Tony: Oh, wait a minute; she said that wouldn't be any problem.
Angela: My mother didn't think World War II was a problem.

Tony: Hey. How's the snake?
Angela: He's putting Jonathan to bed.

Mona: [when Frankie Fitzgerald tries to out bid her daughter to purchase Tony as part of a neighbourhood auction] Angela, I know what's good for you... Buy him!

Mona: Tony's my - housekeeper-in-law.
Cindy: [to Tony] You work for Mona's daughter?
Tony: Yeah, you know. She brings home the bacon and I fry it.

Tony: Hey look at this nose. I fractured this nose three times and I can still smell.
Samantha: Yeah! I broke my finger twice and I can still dial.
Mona: I once fractured my pelvis.
Tony: Yeah, and she can still walk.

Angela: [Thinking, while watching television] I wonder if MIchael Landon's hair is real?

Prosecuting: The state would like to call Anthony Morton Micelli.
[Tony is embarrassed. Angela snickers]
Angela: Morton?
[a pause]
Angela: You never told me you had a middle name.
Tony: [grumpily] Now you know why!

Angela: Yeah, so, I'm just going to let what happens happen.
Tony: Oh, hey, hey, oh. If you just let what happens happen, when what you wanted to happen happens, you're not going to know whether it happened or not.

Tony: There are some things that are no good for you, like Crunchy Crawlers, and guys who just want to...
Angela: Now, just a minute. If I want -
[both look down at the kids and back at each other again]
Angela: Crunchy Crawlers, then I will have Crunchy Crawlers.
Tony: Crunchy Crawlers are empty calories. Not really satisfying. In an hour, you're gonna want something else.
Angela: Maybe I'll want more Crunchy Crawlers.

Mona: [to Tony, holding a pan of banana bread in front of a running fan, wafting the smell outside the front door] Do I smell banana bread?

Jonathan: [when he sees Tony, Angela, Sam and Mona watching TV and crying] What's the matter? What movie are you guys watching?

Robaire: [after doing a French accent, being questioned by Tony as to his name, Robert which he pronounces in French as "Robaire"] French is a state of mind.

Mona: Angela, what is the problem?
Angela: The problem is, Mother, you sent me a man for a housekeeper.
Mona: Oh, don't be sexist. A man can do meaningless, unproductive work just as well as a woman.
Angela: Mother, Mother, the housekeeper's room is very close to mine.
Tony: Oh, hey, don't worry about me. I keep a can of mace by my bed.

Angela: Did it seem to you like Jan and Steve might be a good match?
Tony: What? Angela are you kidding me? All they said all night was hello, goodbye, and ehh I'm choking.

Mona: Oh, it is such a joy immersing myself in academia. I spent hours in the library re-reading my notes on Freud. What a brilliant mind. He saw filth in everything.
Tony: [indicating his cleaning supplies] So do I.
Mona: Well, I'm going to go have an after-school snack. All that talk about fruit cakes and nuts made me hungry.

Angela: Tony, I'm gonna say this very slowly. My weekend has nothing to do with my promotion.
Tony: You'll never know unless you don't go.
Angela: Who are you anyway, Jiminy Cricket?

Dr. Bernice Bellows: Do you love Tony?
Angela: Oh... he's the most incredible man I've ever known. When I'm with him I'm happier than I've ever been, and sadder sometimes. God I, I just couldn't imagine my life without him... this is confidential isn't it...
[Dr Bellows nods]
Angela: ... Yes, I love Tony. Oh...
Dr. Bernice Bellows: It might help if he knew that.
Angela: Well I wish I could hear it from him first.
Dr. Bernice Bellows: Angela, I think you might lose him.

[repeated line]
Tony: Angelaaaa...

Angela: [as Tony is preparing for an evening out] Oh, Tony, you probably want to wear a tie - you know how fussy they are at Le Fleur.
Tony: [On his way upstairs] Okay, no problem.
Angela: [Stopping him] Maybe the red paisley.
Tony: [Annoyed] O-kay.
Angela: [Stopping him again] It goes really well with your blue suit.
Tony: [Sarcastically] Hey Angela, what about my underwear - boxers or briefs?

Angela: Jonathan, I'm warning you. Joan Crawford is my idol.

Angela: Well, do you remember our multiplication tables? What is six times eight?
Jonathan: Sixty-four.
Angela: No, no, sweetheart. Six times eight is forty-eight. You keep repeating that to the bus driver.
Jonathan: He's the one who told me it was sixty-four.

Tony: You're doing this all wrong. You're wasting valuable time. I mean, look. First, you got to come over here to put on your panties, right? Then you got to come all the way back over here to put on your bra. And then you got to chug way back over here to put on your pantyhose.
Angela: What were you before you came here, a female impersonator?
Tony: Can't you see you're wasting 10, 15 seconds of your life every morning? I want this place to run like a well-oiled machine.
Angela: If you had it your way, I'd be getting dressed on a conveyer belt.
Tony: Not a bad idea.

Tony: You know, you're really lucky. I only have a shower. And sometimes, I love to take bubble baths.
Angela: Really? You in a bubble bath? I always pictured you in the shower. I mean, if I pictured you at all, I would picture your type in the shower.
Tony: I get the picture.