The Best Grooberson Quotes

Callie: I have an allergy to science.
Grooberson: Have you tried Benadryl?

Phoebe: I found this in my living room.
[Mr. Grooberson picks up the ghost trap]
Grooberson: Whoa! Killer replica.
Phoebe: A replica of what?
Grooberson: A ghost trap.

Phoebe: Are you sure this is safe?
Grooberson: History is safe. Geometry, that's safe. Science is all particle accelerators and hydrogen bombs. Science is giving yourself the plague and gambling on the cure. Science is reckless.
Phoebe: Science is reckless.
Grooberson: Totally! Yes! It's punk rock. It's a safety pin through the nipple of academia

[on Phoebe's lack of social skills]
Grooberson: [jokingly] Maybe she'll take up pole dancing?
Callie: She's not that coordinated.
Grooberson: I don't think that matters.

Grooberson: [after testing the trap and unleashing a ghost, which damages the cars] We should probably get out of here.
Phoebe: You're an adult.
Grooberson: Yeah, and liable.

Phoebe: Is this safe?
Grooberson: No, history is safe, geometry is safe, science is nuclear and hydrogen bombs, science is injecting yourself with the plague and trying to find a cure in time.
Phoebe: Science is reckless.
Grooberson: Exactly, it's punk rock.

Callie: Let's go. You were supposed to look after her this summer.
Grooberson: I was?
Callie: Not you. Him.
Trevor: This was her idea.
Phoebe: But what about our stuff? The Ecto-1?
Sheriff: Everything will remain nice and safe in our impound locker.
Phoebe: No! We need it.
Callie: Phoebe, let's go.
Phoebe: We caught a ghost tonight.
Deputy: Dirt farmer's family.
Phoebe: It's true. And there will be more.
Sheriff: Hey, kid. You're starting to sound like your lunatic grandfather.

Callie: I'm sorry the night went sideways.
Grooberson: No. I-I- had a blast. Why don't we just pick it up tomorrow night, same time.
Callie: You really want more of this?
Grooberson: Are you kidding me? We had kung pao shrimp. We went to jail. I don't know how we're gonna top this. This is a home run.
Callie: Um, my life is a dumpster fire.
Grooberson: I love dumpster fires. You should see my apartment.

Grooberson: [after being a terror dog] I'm bleeding, why am I bleeding?
Callie: Oh, you headbutted a park bench.
Grooberson: Okay.

Grooberson: [Showing them a video of The Ghostbusters going to battle Gozer] None of this rings a bell?
Phoebe: It happened 20 years before we were born.
Podcast: Well, I believe it.

Grooberson: Did you catch anything?
Phoebe: It's inside the trap.
Grooberson: Right now?
Phoebe: Yes.

Grooberson: [on the earthquakes] I've tried triangulating and I can't figure out where they're coming from.
Phoebe: Did you use three phones?
Grooberson: Yeah, I know how many sides are on a triangle.
Phoebe: I know, I just thought you were being obtuse.
[winks]
Grooberson: Was that a geometry joke?
Phoebe: Yes, hence the wink.
Grooberson: [laughs] That's bad... no, I like it.