30 Best Jim Quotes

Jim: Do you want Cheryl to make you a sandwich?
Dana: I don't think that'll help, Jim.
Jim: [pause] Do you want to make *me* a sandwich...?

Jim: [under his breath] That's the great thing about you, honey... you remember every freakin' thing I say.

Cheryl: Jim, there's a lot of culture in this city. We should take advantage of it.
Jim: What? I take you to the zoo.

Cheryl: [Cheryl is desperate to talk Jim out of wanting something, and is trying to think of things to replace it] How about... sex with another woman?
Jim: [brief pause] You or me?

Jim: [Cheryl and Ruby had a fight] This is not good.
Andy: What are they fighting about?
Jim: I don't know, and I don't care. Ruby's going through one of those difficult times that all girls go through - you know, between the ages of 14 and 80.

Jim: There is no good reason for a man to go to a baby shower. And there's one great reason for him *not* to go!
Cheryl: Which is?
Jim: It's a baby shower!

Jim: Listen. The point is, if our wives find out we're having fun with these babies, they'll never let us do this again.
Phil: So, I should keep this from my wife?
Jim: Yes!
Phil: But, that's lying.
Jim: That's men!

Jim: Alright I got some lemonade here for you, and now remember there's company here so no peeing in the brushes.
Kyle: Oh man I thought this was a party.
Andy: Hey, Hey.
Jim: Hey do you know man with this barbecue drives me crazy. Look at Willie eating bean dip like it's his job.
Andy: Okay take it easy breathe in smoke it always calms you down.
Willie: Hey Jim were out of bean dip.
Jim: I can't stand this party, and you know every year she has this barbecue. Every year I forget how much I hate them until I'm here doing this dam thing. I can't stand people, and she knows it.

Jim: You want me to BABYSIT?
Cheryl: You DO REALIZE it's not babysitting when they're your own kids?
Jim: You've been talking to that mom down the block - the FANCY one with the JOB...

Kyle: I want a sponge bath, from a nurse.
Cheryl: What?
Kyle: Uncle Andy says they're the best!
Jim: I think sometimes Andy forgets that Kyle's in the back seat.

Kid: You invented the fart?
Jim: I re-invented it.

Andy: Actually, Jim, I know a place where you can go and hunt your own turkey.
Jim: I'm all ears.
Andy: It's just across the state line. Yeah, yeah, they stock the woods full of wild turkeys, and supply you with your own crossbow.
Jim: Really?
Cheryl: No, no, no, Jim! You've never even used a crossbow.
Jim: Cheryl, please. I've seen "Braveheart" three times. I think I know my way around a crossbow, okay?
Cheryl: Okay, you're not seriously thinking about...
Jim: I'm done thinking! Forget it. My primal instinct has just kicked in. Tomorrow I hunt, I feast... then I breed.

Jim: Cheryl, you made your bed, now lie in it.
Cheryl: I make *all* the beds!

Jim: Im not going to sit here and watch you laugh
Dana: Why because you got a boo-boo on your tushy?

Ruby: Daddy, since Gracie won, can Kyle and I have popsicles?
Jim: How does that work?
Ruby: She's our sister, we're part of her posse.

Dana: [a very pregnant Dana farts loudly] Oh my God! I feel so much better! It wasn't my baby, it was those two bowls of popcorn I ate!
Jim: Great, Cheryl! We drove all the way back for a fart?
Dana: Sorry.
Jim: We still have time to make Indiana. Come on baby, the dream lives on! Let's go!
[Runs out the door]
Cheryl: Honey, are you sure you're okay?
[Dana farts loudly again and gives her the thumbs-up. Holding a finger under her nose, Cheryl runs out the door after Jim]

Jim: You don't even know me any more! I think we should have more sex.
Cheryl: Why?
Jim: Why not?

Sheila: Jim, I already HAD THE BABY!
Jim: You did...?
Cheryl: Five months ago!
Jim: Are you sure? 'Cause I thought I felt a kick...
Cheryl: Oh, you will - later!

God: I hereby grant you my powers to change all of womankind. Beginning now.
[Snaps his fingers]
Jim: That's it? That's your thing, you just snap?
God: Just remember, you change one woman, you change them all. Forever.
Jim: [laughs] Giant boobs on all of them!
Ruby: [Ruby and Gracie come downstairs, with giant boobs. They get their school bags, and leave] Bye daddy!
Jim: [Shocked] Do-over! I get a do-over!

Jim: The morning doctor I'm Jim.
Dr. Gibson: Jim yelstin we met last time now it's just a
Jim: Comedian recognize with my pants on.
Dr. Gibson: I look at your test results.
Jim: Yes.
Dr. Gibson: And it's seems that your sperm count has increased.
Jim: Yeah.
Cheryl: He could take a look now because he stayed away from alcohol, and the hot tub just like he said.
Jim: You give up but a whitish I'm writing commando right now.

Gracie: Hi daddy, we're having a tea party, what kind of tea would you like?
Jim: Um, beer?

Andy: Hey Jim, Did you know there are almost 800,000 people living in Djibouti?
Jim: Hey look at this, You know what Djibouti's leading export is?... Natural Gas.
Jim: Alright, Alright, Alright, We know this is tough, we are just trying to lighten it up a little bit.
Dana: Well don't, It's not funny. My husband's stuck in Djibouti and he can't get out.
[Jim and Andy crack up]
Dana: Stop it. There is a civil war going on, Djibouti could be split right down the middle.

Cheryl: Jim, are you listening to yourself?
Jim: Yes I am, Cheryl. I *am* a genius. I can talk and listen to myself at the same time!

Jim: Heroes aren't born. They're cornered.

Jim: Don't go throwing my words back at me. If I had wanted my advice I'd listen to myself when I talked.

Jim: Dana, while Ryan is away I want you to move in with us.
Dana: What's the catch? You gonna sell my baby?

Jim: There you go, using the Mommy card again - it didn't work on Mothers' Day and it's not gonna work ow!

Cheryl: Jim!
[Startles him awake]
Jim: [Groggily] Huh?
Cheryl: Can you watch the kids while I do laundry?
Jim: Uh, I'm kinda in the middle of something here.
Cheryl: [Looking out the kitchen window] You DO realize I can see you?
Jim: [Waves timidly] Hello... .
Ruby: [Running out with Gracie] Daddy, will you play a game with us?
Gracie: We want to play a game!
Jim: OK...
[Reaches into his pocket]
Jim: Let's play Find the Quarter.
[Flings something into the shrubbery]
Ruby,209088: Yeah!
Jim: Remember, whoever fonds the quarter wins a penny!

Cheryl: [Coming into the house, seeing what's on on the TV] This is SAVING PRIVATE RYAN! THEY can't watch THIS!
[Referring to the girls]
Jim: Are you kidding - they can't take their EYES OFF IT!
Cheryl: Well, you're dealing with the nightmares from THIS pne!
Jim: Hey, it didn't happen with Hellraiser, it's not happening with this!

Phil: I'm a little worried, Jim.
Jim: Huh?
Phil: I don't know how I'm gonna' explain all this extra money I've won to my wife.
Jim: [slight pause] That is the most pathetic sentence I've ever heard.
Phil: I just think she's gonna' catch it, you know? She gives me 40 bucks a week spending money.
Jim: [slight pause] I stand corrected. *That* is the most pathetic sentence I've ever heard.
Phil: Maybe she'll be happy I had fun?
Jim: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't ever tell them you had fun.
Phil: Why not?
Jim: No, no, no, they want us to be miserable, just like them.
Phil: That's crazy!
Jim: That's women.