Top 50 Quotes From Jim Belushi

Cheryl: I just can't believe you never told me you did a sex-ed movie!
Jim: I didn't know it was a sex-ed movie until tonight! She told me it was a horror film!

Ralph: Dale, I gotta be honest with you, buddy, in the whole history of this show, no one has ever gotten so close to winning that dollar.
[Dale is in pain but still expresses his joy at getting this far]
Ralph: Okay, Dale. Are you ready? Hang on here, are you ready for the final challenge?
Dale: [Dale can hardly keep himself together] Yes, yes, please, please.
Ralph: Okay, here it is: I'm thinking of a color... what is it?
Dale: Wha... what? A color?
Ralph: That's right, I'm thinking of a color. What color is it?
Dale: Oh... I dunno... eh, yellow?
Ralph: [buzzer sounds] Oh, no! Oh, that was so close! Too ba...
Dale: What?
Ralph: I was thinking of kinda like a, like an off-yellow.
[Dale groans in defeat]
Ralph: That's too bad, I'm so sorry. Do we have a consolation prize for him, Don?
Announcer: [off screen] Noooooo!

Kyle: I want a sponge bath, from a nurse.
Cheryl: What?
Kyle: Uncle Andy says they're the best!
Jim: I think sometimes Andy forgets that Kyle's in the back seat.

Jim: Don't go throwing my words back at me. If I had wanted my advice I'd listen to myself when I talked.

Jim: Everyone, circumcise your watches!

Gracie: Hi daddy, we're having a tea party, what kind of tea would you like?
Jim: Um, beer?

Cheryl: [Coming into the house, seeing what's on on the TV] This is SAVING PRIVATE RYAN! THEY can't watch THIS!
[Referring to the girls]
Jim: Are you kidding - they can't take their EYES OFF IT!
Cheryl: Well, you're dealing with the nightmares from THIS pne!
Jim: Hey, it didn't happen with Hellraiser, it's not happening with this!

Frank: He down our merch? Is it gone? Does he carry the cash on him, what?
Barry: I'm talking to somebody's somebody. I will know in about 25 minutes.

That: [performing the White Rap] I jog until my face is blue, then scrape the dog doo off my shoe.

Andy: Actually, Jim, I know a place where you can go and hunt your own turkey.
Jim: I'm all ears.
Andy: It's just across the state line. Yeah, yeah, they stock the woods full of wild turkeys, and supply you with your own crossbow.
Jim: Really?
Cheryl: No, no, no, Jim! You've never even used a crossbow.
Jim: Cheryl, please. I've seen "Braveheart" three times. I think I know my way around a crossbow, okay?
Cheryl: Okay, you're not seriously thinking about...
Jim: I'm done thinking! Forget it. My primal instinct has just kicked in. Tomorrow I hunt, I feast... then I breed.

Jim: OK, I stacked the cat in the freezer.

Andy: Hey Jim, Did you know there are almost 800,000 people living in Djibouti?
Jim: Hey look at this, You know what Djibouti's leading export is?... Natural Gas.
Jim: Alright, Alright, Alright, We know this is tough, we are just trying to lighten it up a little bit.
Dana: Well don't, It's not funny. My husband's stuck in Djibouti and he can't get out.
[Jim and Andy crack up]
Dana: Stop it. There is a civil war going on, Djibouti could be split right down the middle.

Patrick: Me and the guys at the home office have been following this plant of yours. We've come up with one incredible idea. We're very proud of it. Picture this: we take leaf cuttings, develop little Audrey IIs and sell them to florist shops across the nation. Pretty soon every household in America could have one.
Seymour: [concerned] Every household in America!
Patrick: For starters, kid. Why, this thing could go... worldwide!
Seymour,65472: [to each other, panicked:] *Worldwide*?
Patrick: With the right advertising, this thing could be bigger than Hula-Hoops.
Audrey: [to Seymour, intrigued:] Bigger than Hula-Hoops?

Jim: Cheryl, you made your bed, now lie in it.
Cheryl: I make *all* the beds!

Andy: [telling Jim that he's found the bird they didn't want to find] Jim! B-I-R-D A-T S-I-X O-'-C-L-O-C-K!
Jim: [confused] ... You want to have sex with a clock?

Cheryl: Jim, there's a lot of culture in this city. We should take advantage of it.
Jim: What? I take you to the zoo.

God: I hereby grant you my powers to change all of womankind. Beginning now.
[Snaps his fingers]
Jim: That's it? That's your thing, you just snap?
God: Just remember, you change one woman, you change them all. Forever.
Jim: [laughs] Giant boobs on all of them!
Ruby: [Ruby and Gracie come downstairs, with giant boobs. They get their school bags, and leave] Bye daddy!
Jim: [Shocked] Do-over! I get a do-over!

Jim: There is no good reason for a man to go to a baby shower. And there's one great reason for him *not* to go!
Cheryl: Which is?
Jim: It's a baby shower!

Mercenary: [referring to Mary Richards] Is it true what they say about her?
Lou: What?
Mercenary: She can turn the world on with her smile.
Lou: Yeah.. yeah, she could...
Mercenary: And could she really take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Lou: No, of course not! Don't be stupid!

Chad: Successful? I mean Ghostbusters was the most successful movie of all times. I think that movie has everything!
Consuela: Oh yeah, it even made Chi Chi cry.
Chi: A card trick will make me cry...

Jim: Im not going to sit here and watch you laugh
Dana: Why because you got a boo-boo on your tushy?

Seymour: [singing] Suddenly Seymour / Is standing beside you
Audrey: [singing] Suddenly Seymour / Showed me I can...
Seymour: [singing over sustain] Yes you can...
Patrick: Excuse me! Pardon me, beg your pardon, if you two kids would stop singing for just a moment I've got something I want to discuss with you.

Jim: Do you want Cheryl to make you a sandwich?
Dana: I don't think that'll help, Jim.
Jim: [pause] Do you want to make *me* a sandwich...?

Cheryl: Jim, are you listening to yourself?
Jim: Yes I am, Cheryl. I *am* a genius. I can talk and listen to myself at the same time!

Jim: [on Saturday Night News] Brad, you ignorant slut.

Sheila: Jim, I already HAD THE BABY!
Jim: You did...?
Cheryl: Five months ago!
Jim: Are you sure? 'Cause I thought I felt a kick...
Cheryl: Oh, you will - later!

Jim: Heroes aren't born. They're cornered.

Jim: Well watch for these doctors are you showing off their diplomas. I mean it's like who I finished college who completed med school. Ok I really no good framer.
Cheryl: He's the best fertility doctor in town, and I find it so much we share you. know what I find reassuring.
Jim: I find reassuring Cheryl employees must wash here here.
Dr. Gibson: Good Morning.
Cheryl: Good Morning Doctor Gibson.

Joe: Good evening. I'm Joe Piscopo. This year marks the 20th anniversary of the death of President John F. Kennedy. We've brought together these three people to share with us their members of the day they learned that President Kennedy had been shot. Jim, let's start with you. What were you doing when you heard President Kennedy had been shot?
James: Well, I was in college and I was walking across the quad to call and this guy runs up and says 'President Kennedy has been shot', so I...
Joe: Wait; how old are you?
James: I'm 26. So anyway, I went looking for a TV and...
Joe: Wait a minute. You're telling us you were in college at age 6?
James: No, I was 19. Anyway...
Joe: Wait a minute! You didn't know President Kennedy had been shot until eight years ago?
James: Well, hey now; you know, I was busy with school and girls and playing sports and stuff and I really wasn't into current events.
Joe: I can't believe this. Mary, when did you find out President Kennedy had been shot?
Mary: Well, Joe, in light of what just happened, I'm ashamed to admit that Jim told me right before the show started.
James: [chuckling] What a dork, eh Joe?
Joe: I can't believe this! This was one of the most important events of the 20th century and you people are totally clueless!
Tim: [shocked] Wait a minute! President Kennedy is dead? How? When?
Joe: Yes! My God, He was shot in Dallas!
Tim: Oh, no! No! Please, No!
[begins crying uncontrollably and hanging onto the other guests]
Tim: President Kennedy is dead!
Joe: [shaking his head] This is Joe Piscopo; good night.

Stan: [about Ringo] He can freeze his little Beatle butt off outside for all I care!

Jim: Alright I got some lemonade here for you, and now remember there's company here so no peeing in the brushes.
Kyle: Oh man I thought this was a party.
Andy: Hey, Hey.
Jim: Hey do you know man with this barbecue drives me crazy. Look at Willie eating bean dip like it's his job.
Andy: Okay take it easy breathe in smoke it always calms you down.
Willie: Hey Jim were out of bean dip.
Jim: I can't stand this party, and you know every year she has this barbecue. Every year I forget how much I hate them until I'm here doing this dam thing. I can't stand people, and she knows it.

Rosemary: Hi, I'm Rosemary Clooney. You know, I used to be young and cute, but now I'm old and fat. Real fat, as a matter of fact, I'm one big fat sloppy singer.

Jim: You want me to BABYSIT?
Cheryl: You DO REALIZE it's not babysitting when they're your own kids?
Jim: You've been talking to that mom down the block - the FANCY one with the JOB...

Phil: I'm a little worried, Jim.
Jim: Huh?
Phil: I don't know how I'm gonna' explain all this extra money I've won to my wife.
Jim: [slight pause] That is the most pathetic sentence I've ever heard.
Phil: I just think she's gonna' catch it, you know? She gives me 40 bucks a week spending money.
Jim: [slight pause] I stand corrected. *That* is the most pathetic sentence I've ever heard.
Phil: Maybe she'll be happy I had fun?
Jim: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't ever tell them you had fun.
Phil: Why not?
Jim: No, no, no, they want us to be miserable, just like them.
Phil: That's crazy!
Jim: That's women.

Ruby: Daddy, since Gracie won, can Kyle and I have popsicles?
Jim: How does that work?
Ruby: She's our sister, we're part of her posse.

Tom: [on public phone] Hello, this is Tom Tully, eh, I have a confession.
Priest: [on other line in the next stall] Tom, You're gonna have to speak up, I'm sorry.
Tom: [shouting] This is Tom Tully, I have a confession!
Priest: Hello Tom, go ahead.
Tom: Yeah, eh, I had some impure thoughts, Father.
Priest: I see, well, what kind of thoughts?
Tom: Eh, lustful thoughts, Father.
Priest: A bus full of what?

Jim: The morning doctor I'm Jim.
Dr. Gibson: Jim yelstin we met last time now it's just a
Jim: Comedian recognize with my pants on.
Dr. Gibson: I look at your test results.
Jim: Yes.
Dr. Gibson: And it's seems that your sperm count has increased.
Jim: Yeah.
Cheryl: He could take a look now because he stayed away from alcohol, and the hot tub just like he said.
Jim: You give up but a whitish I'm writing commando right now.

Jim: Listen. The point is, if our wives find out we're having fun with these babies, they'll never let us do this again.
Phil: So, I should keep this from my wife?
Jim: Yes!
Phil: But, that's lying.
Jim: That's men!

Jim: [Cheryl and Ruby had a fight] This is not good.
Andy: What are they fighting about?
Jim: I don't know, and I don't care. Ruby's going through one of those difficult times that all girls go through - you know, between the ages of 14 and 80.

Dana: [a very pregnant Dana farts loudly] Oh my God! I feel so much better! It wasn't my baby, it was those two bowls of popcorn I ate!
Jim: Great, Cheryl! We drove all the way back for a fart?
Dana: Sorry.
Jim: We still have time to make Indiana. Come on baby, the dream lives on! Let's go!
[Runs out the door]
Cheryl: Honey, are you sure you're okay?
[Dana farts loudly again and gives her the thumbs-up. Holding a finger under her nose, Cheryl runs out the door after Jim]

Jim: What kinda hotel is this? I'm laying here, bleeding to death.
Mr. Krevitz: Bleeding? I thought you said you broke your leg.
Jim: Yeah, well, I did, and then your dog came out and found me. Who the hell sends out Doberman Pinscher to rescue skiers?

Cheryl: [Cheryl is desperate to talk Jim out of wanting something, and is trying to think of things to replace it] How about... sex with another woman?
Jim: [brief pause] You or me?

Jim: There you go, using the Mommy card again - it didn't work on Mothers' Day and it's not gonna work ow!

Cheryl: Jim!
[Startles him awake]
Jim: [Groggily] Huh?
Cheryl: Can you watch the kids while I do laundry?
Jim: Uh, I'm kinda in the middle of something here.
Cheryl: [Looking out the kitchen window] You DO realize I can see you?
Jim: [Waves timidly] Hello... .
Ruby: [Running out with Gracie] Daddy, will you play a game with us?
Gracie: We want to play a game!
Jim: OK...
[Reaches into his pocket]
Jim: Let's play Find the Quarter.
[Flings something into the shrubbery]
Ruby,209088: Yeah!
Jim: Remember, whoever fonds the quarter wins a penny!

Jim: You don't even know me any more! I think we should have more sex.
Cheryl: Why?
Jim: Why not?

Jim: Dana, while Ryan is away I want you to move in with us.
Dana: What's the catch? You gonna sell my baby?

Jim: [under his breath] That's the great thing about you, honey... you remember every freakin' thing I say.

Caller: [calling to the Ghostbusters hotline] Eh, yeah, is there, is there any truth to the rumor that they're planning Ghostbusters 2 with a new cast that includes Tim Matheson and Prince?
Chad: Well that's the stupidest thing I ever heard of!

[Escape the Germans skit. Characters are Americans pinned down in a French church during World War II. They keep trying crazy ways to get by the Germans, without any success]
Sarge: Perkins! Up front, Perkins!
[grabs a nun's habit]
Sarge: . I think you can pass as a penguin.
Perkins: Hey, Sarge. I don't wanna go out there.
Sarge: [with suspicion] Why not?
Perkins: 'Cause they're gonna see I'm not a penguin, Sarge. And then they're gonna shoot me.
Sarge: How do you know that, Perkins?
Perkins: Well, I... I figured it out.
Sarge: Yeah?
[pulling out service pistol]
Sarge: Seems to me you know an awful lot about the Germans. A lot more than a kid who *claims* to be from Indiana should!
[cocks pistol and scruffs Perkins's uniform]
Perkins: Hey, wait a minute...
Sarge: Campbell! Get up here! I think we got a Kraut on our hands. Test him!
Campbell: What's Babe Ruth's real name?
Perkins: Oh! George Herman Ruth.
Sarge: [sarcastically] That's a good one, Campbell. Why don't you just ask him the one question every German soldier is drilled on? Get away from me!
[shoves Campbell away]
Sarge: All right, Perkins, answer me this one: Who played Rhett Butler in "Gone With The Wind"?
Perkins: Rhett Butler?
Sarge: Yes!
Perkins: Oh, yeah, that was, uh... . Uh...
Sarge: C'mon...
Perkins: Yeah yeah yeah. It was a household word... . Uh... . Well, let's see. Uhm... . Ashley Wilkes was played by Leslie Howard...
Sarge: Yeah...
Perkins: Melanie Wilkes, that was Olivia De Havilland...
Sarge: Yeah...
Perkins: Prissy the slave girl, that was Butterfly McQueen
Sarge: Yeah...
Perkins: Mammy was Hattie McDaniels...
Sarge: C'mon, c'mon! Rhett Butler, Perkins!
[continues to egg Perkins on]
Perkins: Oh, God, god, god! He was everybody's choice except the original director. That was George Vukor, but he got fired. I mean, you know, selfishly he wanted...
Sarge: Who played Rhett Butler, Perkins!
Perkins: Oh, god, I know. This is crazy. He's a big guy, he was opposite Claudette Colbert in "It Happened One Night",
Sarge: C'mon, quit stalling! I got three seconds!
Perkins: Big ears, big ears, little mustache, um... Clark Gable!
Sarge: Wrong!
[shoots Perkins dead]
Sarge: Cary Grant, you Nazi scum!
Saunders: No, no, it was Clark Gable.
Sarge: Damn! Not again! I always get those two guys confused.
[rushes to Perkins, who was being examined by Campbell]
Campbell: Forget it, forget it. He's dead.
[Sarge pushed Campbell back from Perkins]
Sarge: [poignantly] That's too bad. He knew so much about film.

Kid: You invented the fart?
Jim: I re-invented it.