The Best Larry Joe Campbell Quotes

Steve: Harrison was a great guy. We met at camp the summer after eighth grade when he gave me the Heimlich maneuver after I accidentally swalled a wine cork. Harrison and I went through a lot together. He was my best friend. And it's fitting that his last name was Payne because he probably died in a lot of it. Which is exactly the kind of thing he would find funny, in case anyone was planning on getting mad at me.

Andy: [telling Jim that he's found the bird they didn't want to find] Jim! B-I-R-D A-T S-I-X O-'-C-L-O-C-K!
Jim: [confused] ... You want to have sex with a clock?

Cheryl: Dana, you don't understand. You don't have kids.
Dana: Why do you have to keep bringing that up? What, do you want me to go out and breed with some hobo off the street just so I can understand your secret parent language?
Andy: You know, you must have a hobo already lined up or else you wouldn't have said that.

Lt. John LaMarr: Hey, ah, Steve, you think we could change the music? Something less depressing.
Steve: You got to get cultured, my friend. Barry Manilow was an under-appreciated genius of his time
Lt. John LaMarr: Then how come I want to throw myself out the airlock?
Yaphit: I gotta say, watching your corpse drift away to this music would be so peaceful.

Andy: I'm not the one who got shot in the butt by a turkey!
Dana: Come again?
Andy: Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, a turkey pecked at his crossbow and shot him while he was peeing!

Andy: Is this your card?
Madeline: No.
[no cards left]
Andy: Yes it is.
Madeline: My card was 100.
Andy: [exasperated] There's no 100 in the deck!

Jim: [Cheryl and Ruby had a fight] This is not good.
Andy: What are they fighting about?
Jim: I don't know, and I don't care. Ruby's going through one of those difficult times that all girls go through - you know, between the ages of 14 and 80.

Dana: [trying to distract their mother] Mom, I, uh... I kissed a girl in college!
Andy: Uh... me too!
Maggie: Andy, don't tell stories.

Andy: I once walked in on my grandparents doing it. I mean, Grandpa's in his 70's, but he was really putting Nana through her paces.

Andy: Actually, Jim, I know a place where you can go and hunt your own turkey.
Jim: I'm all ears.
Andy: It's just across the state line. Yeah, yeah, they stock the woods full of wild turkeys, and supply you with your own crossbow.
Jim: Really?
Cheryl: No, no, no, Jim! You've never even used a crossbow.
Jim: Cheryl, please. I've seen "Braveheart" three times. I think I know my way around a crossbow, okay?
Cheryl: Okay, you're not seriously thinking about...
Jim: I'm done thinking! Forget it. My primal instinct has just kicked in. Tomorrow I hunt, I feast... then I breed.

Andy: Hey Jim, Did you know there are almost 800,000 people living in Djibouti?
Jim: Hey look at this, You know what Djibouti's leading export is?... Natural Gas.
Jim: Alright, Alright, Alright, We know this is tough, we are just trying to lighten it up a little bit.
Dana: Well don't, It's not funny. My husband's stuck in Djibouti and he can't get out.
[Jim and Andy crack up]
Dana: Stop it. There is a civil war going on, Djibouti could be split right down the middle.

Andy: You're... you're Tanya Mountains! You're... you're the Weather Girl! I gotta' tell ya', I love your work, Miss Mountains. I watch you every day. Yeah, I don't take my umbrella out unless Tanya tells me to.
Tanya: [looking pleased] It's so nice to meet a fan. I can't tell you how many creeps just want to get with the Weather Girl.
Andy: I think there's a high pressure front moving behind my zipper.
[looking disgusted, Miss Mountains slaps Andy across the face and walks away]

Jim: Alright I got some lemonade here for you, and now remember there's company here so no peeing in the brushes.
Kyle: Oh man I thought this was a party.
Andy: Hey, Hey.
Jim: Hey do you know man with this barbecue drives me crazy. Look at Willie eating bean dip like it's his job.
Andy: Okay take it easy breathe in smoke it always calms you down.
Willie: Hey Jim were out of bean dip.
Jim: I can't stand this party, and you know every year she has this barbecue. Every year I forget how much I hate them until I'm here doing this dam thing. I can't stand people, and she knows it.

Yaphit: [after Kelly reports Dr. Finn's disappearance] Did she say Claire's missing?
Capt. Ed Mercer: Yeah. How soon can you guys be done here?
Steve: Sir, we're still at least two days away from finishing the upgrade.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Well, it's gonna have to wait. John, report to the bridge, set a course for Dr. Finn's last known coordinates.
Lt. John LaMarr: Uh, well, how am I supposed to do that? You see that pile of crap on the floor? That's our navigational array.
Capt. Ed Mercer: Well, you're just gonna have to do it the old-fashioned way. Star charts.
Lt. John LaMarr: [sarcastic, under his breath] Oh, great.
Yaphit: Do not get us lost, man.

[Andy is telling the girls about construction]
Andy: We do this, by placing three quarter inch plywood over the existing studs...
[Madeline yawns, bored out of her mind]
Andy: ...then covering it all with dry wall.
[addresses Madeline directly]
Andy: Can you say 'dry wall'?
Madeline: You don't have a girlfriend, do you?