The Best Various Quotes

Mercenary: [referring to Mary Richards] Is it true what they say about her?
Lou: What?
Mercenary: She can turn the world on with her smile.
Lou: Yeah.. yeah, she could...
Mercenary: And could she really take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Lou: No, of course not! Don't be stupid!

Doug: [after Martin Short already played Doug Henning during a sketch, Rich Halls appears as Henning during Saturday Night News] Thank you, thank you. Oh, it's so wonderful to be here. Oh, and isn't it so amazing that there are two Doug Hennings on this show? Heh, heh, oh, that's my favorite illusion. You can never have enough Doug Hennings.

[Escape the Germans skit. Characters are Americans pinned down in a French church during World War II. They keep trying crazy ways to get by the Germans, without any success]
Sarge: Perkins! Up front, Perkins!
[grabs a nun's habit]
Sarge: . I think you can pass as a penguin.
Perkins: Hey, Sarge. I don't wanna go out there.
Sarge: [with suspicion] Why not?
Perkins: 'Cause they're gonna see I'm not a penguin, Sarge. And then they're gonna shoot me.
Sarge: How do you know that, Perkins?
Perkins: Well, I... I figured it out.
Sarge: Yeah?
[pulling out service pistol]
Sarge: Seems to me you know an awful lot about the Germans. A lot more than a kid who *claims* to be from Indiana should!
[cocks pistol and scruffs Perkins's uniform]
Perkins: Hey, wait a minute...
Sarge: Campbell! Get up here! I think we got a Kraut on our hands. Test him!
Campbell: What's Babe Ruth's real name?
Perkins: Oh! George Herman Ruth.
Sarge: [sarcastically] That's a good one, Campbell. Why don't you just ask him the one question every German soldier is drilled on? Get away from me!
[shoves Campbell away]
Sarge: All right, Perkins, answer me this one: Who played Rhett Butler in "Gone With The Wind"?
Perkins: Rhett Butler?
Sarge: Yes!
Perkins: Oh, yeah, that was, uh... . Uh...
Sarge: C'mon...
Perkins: Yeah yeah yeah. It was a household word... . Uh... . Well, let's see. Uhm... . Ashley Wilkes was played by Leslie Howard...
Sarge: Yeah...
Perkins: Melanie Wilkes, that was Olivia De Havilland...
Sarge: Yeah...
Perkins: Prissy the slave girl, that was Butterfly McQueen
Sarge: Yeah...
Perkins: Mammy was Hattie McDaniels...
Sarge: C'mon, c'mon! Rhett Butler, Perkins!
[continues to egg Perkins on]
Perkins: Oh, God, god, god! He was everybody's choice except the original director. That was George Vukor, but he got fired. I mean, you know, selfishly he wanted...
Sarge: Who played Rhett Butler, Perkins!
Perkins: Oh, god, I know. This is crazy. He's a big guy, he was opposite Claudette Colbert in "It Happened One Night",
Sarge: C'mon, quit stalling! I got three seconds!
Perkins: Big ears, big ears, little mustache, um... Clark Gable!
Sarge: Wrong!
[shoots Perkins dead]
Sarge: Cary Grant, you Nazi scum!
Saunders: No, no, it was Clark Gable.
Sarge: Damn! Not again! I always get those two guys confused.
[rushes to Perkins, who was being examined by Campbell]
Campbell: Forget it, forget it. He's dead.
[Sarge pushed Campbell back from Perkins]
Sarge: [poignantly] That's too bad. He knew so much about film.