300 Best Jim Carrey Quotes
Clementine: And in your wormy little brain. You try to figure out, "Did she fuck someone tonight?"
Joel: No, see Clem. I assume you fucked someone tonight. Isn't that how you get people to like you?
Bruce: [breaking out of a freeze] Hi, Susan!
Grace: Oh, thank you, God.
Bruce: Bruce Nolan here, aboard the Maid of the Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York. First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber - pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the blue heart of the ocean jewel over the railing of the Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?
[Grace gasps in disbelief]
Bruce: Hmm. I guess that's how life is, isn't it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death, on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat, while others are in a comfy news studio, sucking up all the glory.
[mashes and discards stupid umbrella hat]
Bruce: Oh, well. No big deal.
Control: Oh boy.
Bruce: Oh, look! It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill...
Bill,: That's all right.
Bruce: No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on, let's have a talk.
Grace: Come on. What are you doing?
Bruce: Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me, why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?
Bill,: Hey, man, I don't want any problems...
Bruce: [messes his hair] Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or, like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life eroding beneath me?
[sticking his face into the camera]
Bruce: Eroding, eeeeroding, eeeeerodding.
Jack: Cut the feed. Cut to black.
Control: I'm on it.
Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you...
[makes a fist gesture]
Bruce: fuckers.
Melissa: Ace, get out of the tank.
Ace: [talking like Scotty from Star Trek] I just can't do it, Captain. I don't have the power.
Melissa: I said, get out of the tank now!
Ace: For God's sake, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a pool man!
Carl: I am gone-o-reha. That didn't sound right.
[Whitey and Charlie are lying in bed in a hotel room together]
Charlie: So, Whitey, what happened to your family?
Whitey: I killed them. I hacked them up with a hammer while they were asleep. Ma, Pa, Bro, Sis. She was awake, my sis. I was just released from prison on my 21st birthday. I wasn't ready to leave but they said I had to. Fucked up law, huh?
Joel: Sand is overrated. It's just tiny, little rocks.
The: Why? Why can't I kill you? Too many questions. Too many questions.
Batman: Poor Edward. I had to save them both. You see, I'm both Bruce Wayne and Batman, not because I have to be, now, because I choose to be.
The: Blast this Christmas music. It's joyful and triumphant.
Dr. Ivo Robotnik: You are as useful to me now as a backstage pass to Limp Bizkit.
Stanley: [Tina's being chased by one of Dorian's henchmen] Hey, guard, there's a woman being chased in the alley there.
Guard: [uncaring] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep it down.
Stanley: C'mon, MAN! SERVE AND PROTECT!
Grace: Debbie won the lottery.
Bruce: Oh, yeah? You're kidding.
Grace: But I guess so did 400,000 other people, so she only won, like, $17.
Truman: [repeated line; frequently in the show] Good morning, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!
Lois: We'll find the porpoise.
Ace: [to Lt. Einhorn] Whew... now I feel better. 'Course, that might not do any good you see nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth and a triangular thoracic fin. While the bottlenose dolphin, or Tursiops truncates, has an elongated beak, round cone shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage. But I'm sure you already knew that. That's what turns me on about 'cha, your attention to detail.
Carl: [incredibly drunk, after losing a bar brawl, said very sadly] She's never gonna go to a ball.
Grace: I've got a very rare blood type. I'm AB positive.
Bruce: Well I'm IB positive. I be positive they ain't touching me with no needle.
Bruce: [Sitting in traffic in his Saleen S7] Oh darn, all this horsepower and no room to gallop!
[Bruce sticks his two index fingers out, and moves them apart, causing all the cars to automatically pull over, leaving the way clear]
Bruce: High ho silver, away!
[Bruce drives down the road at high speed]
The: [to Tina] Kiss me, my dear, and I will reveal my croissant. I will spread your pate. I will dip my ladle in your vichyssoise.
[Tina kicks him and scampers away]
The: [squeaky voice] She is so coy.
[deep voice]
The: I love it!
Dan: Hey Ace?
Ace: Yeah, Dan?
Dan: You got anymore of that gum?
Ace: That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs.
Dan: You're a weird guy, Ace. A weird guy.
Dr. Ivo Robotnik: I discovered the source of ultimate power!
Agent: That sounds big.
Dr. Ivo Robotnik: It's been on my vision board for years.
Charlie: Do you people take checks?
Limo: Say that again. Do we people take checks? You mean a black man?
Charlie: No, no, no, no, God, no! Your company.
Limo: Don't give me that backtracking bullshit, that was a racist slur!
The: Je t'adore. Je t'window. I don't care!
[after Hank crashes the guy's car into his shop]
Hank: There ya go, buddy. I parked it for ya. And by the way, you got a headlight out.
[Puts ticket on the windshield]
[Thugs shoot at the Mask]
The: Did you miss me?
[Takes a drink, and the liquid pours out through holes in his body]
The: I GUESS NOT!
Knuckles: [Looks at Sonic's quill] Where did you get that?
Dr. Ivo Robotnik: From a little blue menace on the planet called Earth. I'd be happy to show you the way.
Bruce: [shocked] Are you spying on me? Who are you?
God: I'm the one. Creator of the heavens and Earth. Alpha and Omega.
Bruce: Oh, I see where this is going.
God: Bruce... I'm God.
Bruce: Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says... God! Bing bing bing bing bing! Well, it was nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you SUCK!
Lois: [after she finishes wrestling with Ace, to the surrounding police officers] Shoot him! Shoot him!
Emilio: [offscreen] Hold your fire!
[walks in with Melissa, gun to his head]
Emilio: Don't shoot!
Melissa: Put your guns down or this cop gets it. I mean it!
[cocks revolver]
Emilio: She's not joking!
Lois: [ignoring them] He kidnapped Snowflake! He killed Roger Podator and was just about to kill Dan Marino and me!
Ace: Ho ho ho Hooooooooooooo! Fiction can be fun, but I find the reference section much more enlightening. For instance, if you were to look up professional football's "All Time Bonehead Plays," you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed the 26 yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII.
[takes deep breath]
Ace: What you wouldn't read about is how Ray Finkle lost his mind, was committed to a mental hospital only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker manipulating his way to the top of a diabolical scheme to get even with Dan Marino whom he blamed the entire thing!
[takes another deep, relief breath]
Aguado: What the hell are you talking about?
Ace: SHE'S NOT LOIS EINHORN!, She's Ray Finkle, she's a man.
Lois: He's lying. SHOOT HIIIIMMM!
Joel: [on tape recording] And the whole thing with the hair - it's all bullshit.
Joel: I really like your hair.
Clementine: Thank you.
[after escaping Lieutenant Gerke]
Irene P. Waters: Calling that cop was unbelievably stupid!
Hank: Woa, woa, woa, wooa! Tweak the high end on your emotional EQ, sweetpeak. The funky chicken was Charlie's dance. I'm a tango man myself.
Cindy: Santa, what's the meaning of Christmas?
The: [bursts through the Christmas tree] VENGEANCE!
The: [calmly] Er, I mean... presents, I suppose.
[as Joel and Clementine eat out, he thinks about the other glum-looking couples in the restaurant]
Joel: Are we like those bored couples you feel sorry for in restaurants? Are we the dining dead? I can't stand the idea of us being a couple people think that about.
Lloyd: Listen, Mr. Samsonite, about the briefcase, my friend Harry and I have every intention of fully reimbursing you.
Nicholas: Open it up. Open it up!
Lloyd: [Motioning to Mary] Go ahead, open it up. Do what he says. Hurry.
Nicholas: What is this? What is this? Where's all the money?
Lloyd: That's as good as money, sir. Those are I.O.U.'s. Go ahead and add it up, every cent's accounted for. Look, see this? That's a car. 275 thou. Might wanna hang onto that one.
Dr. Ivo Robotnik: Congratulations on your temporary "oh so great" sense of superiority.
State: [Harry is driving fast and a cop is behind him and Lloyd] Pull over!
Harry: What?
State: Pull over!
Harry: [realizes he's holding beer bottles that Lloyd urinated in; shows his sweater] No, it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticin'!
Lloyd: Yeah, killer boots, man!
State: Pull your vehicle to the side of the road! License and registration, please. You fellas were going a little fast back there, wouldn't you say? You fellas been doing a bit of boozin', have ya? Suckin back on grandpa's old cough medicine?
Harry: No, sir.
Lloyd: No.
State: [points to the beer bottles] Yeah, well what's that?
Harry: That's nothing, sir.
Lloyd: Yeah, nothing.
State: Yeah, well are you aware that it's against the law to have an open alcohol container here in the state of Pennsylvania? Come on, give me that booze, you little pumpkin pie, hair-cutted freak, come on!
[Harry complies; the cop prepares to drink it, not knowing that Lloyd peed in it]
Harry: Sir, no! Wait, wait, wait!
Lloyd: No, sir, don't!
State: You keep your mouth shut if you know it's good for ya, buddy!
[takes a swig, only to realize he just drank urine]
Lloyd: Tic-Tac, sir?
State: Get the hell out of here!
[on the verge of gagging]
[repeated lines]
Bruce: B-E-A-utiful.
Lloyd: We got no food, we got no jobs... our PETS' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!
Ace: [has been trying to figure out a connection between Lt. Lois Einhorn and football player Ray Finkle, when he sees his dog's fur overlapping Finkle's hair in a photo] What the... That's it! Einhorn is Finkle! Finkle is Einhorn! Einhorn is a man!
[Ace remembers how Einhorn kissed him and the pieces fall into place]
Ace: Oh, my GOD! Einhorn is a man!
[Ace heads to the bathroom to throw up]
Irene P. Waters: Hank. I really, really appreciate your help. But is there any way that maybe we could get Charlie back out here for a little huddle?
Hank: No problem. And while you're at it, why don't you go climb that pole over there and take a big steamy piss on the power lines? Look, I'm not here to twist your niblets. I'm here to save your life. But if I'm going to do that, I'll need total uninanonynymity.
Sonic: Alright mustache. You want me? Come and get me!
Dr. Ivo Robotnik: You don't tell me about coming and getting. I am on the CUTTING EDGE AT COMING AND GETTING!
Irene P. Waters: I never wanted to sleep with you, Hank! Okay, you tricked me!
Hank: Yes, I tricked you. It was deceitful, it was disgusting and despicable. But just for once, see it from my side.
[shrugs]
Hank: I was horny.
The: [to Two Face after Batman shows up] Your entrance was good... his was better. The difference: showmanship.
Edward: [as Fred dangles at the edge of the broken window over the water chasim] Fred, Babe, you are fired, or should I say: Terminated!
[lets Fred fall to his death]
Edward: Surfs up, Big Kahona!
[splash]
Edward: Ooooo, nice form, but a little rough on the landing. He may have to settle for the bronze.
[laughs]
[after being shot, in a Southern accent]
Mask: Hold me closer, Ed, it's getting dark.
[coughs]
Mask: Tell Auntie Em to let Old Yeller out.
[coughs, in a British accent]
Mask: Tell Tiny Tim I won't be coming home this Christmas
[coughs, imitating Clark Gable]
Mask: Tell Scarlett I do give a damn.
[coughs in Orlando's face, raspberries, then farts]
Mask: Pardon me.
[he dies, the Peanut Gallery appears and applauds while The Mask is handed an acting award]
Mask: Thank you, you love me, you really love me!
Bruce: [He sees an attractive girl walk past. He blows, causing a gust of wind to lift her skirt] And he saw that it was 'good'!
[while looking back at Mary]
Lloyd: There's really nothing to worry about Mary. Statistically, they say you're more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like on a head on crash or flying off a cliff or getting trapped under a gas truck! That's the worst! I have this cousin, well y'know, I had this cousin...
[Lloyd drives right through a red light, causing a fatal accident visible in the window]
Mary: Uh, Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road please?
Lloyd: Oh, yeah! Good thinking. You can't be too careful. There are a lot of bad drivers out there.
Tina: [meeting Stanley outside of the club] Mr. Ipkiss. Hi.
Stanley: [stunned] Hi.
Tina: [sees his dirty clothes, half-amused] You okay?
Stanley: Me? Oh, I'm great. Really good. I just... I've never felt better, really. I'm just, uh, catching some air out here.
Parking: [pulls up in Stanley's loaner vehicle] Your car, sir.
Stanley: [chuckles to Tina] That's not my car.
Parking: But it matches the ticket.
Stanley: [frustrated] All right, I'll take it. But I am VERY angry.
[to Tina]
Stanley: Can you believe this? You drive in in a Porsche...
Lou: Hello? Is my Subzero Chillibrator running? I suppose.
The: Well then you better go catch it.
The: The nerve of those Whos. Inviting me down there - on such short notice! Even if I wanted to go my schedule wouldn't allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, jazzercize; 6:30, dinner with me - I can't cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing... I'm booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9, I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. But what would I wear?
Carl: [drunk] Hey... I'm just saying 'yes' to life... 'cause... you gotta say 'yes' to life... I'm in a secret covenant... That sounded naughty!
[Harry and Lloyd are spending the evening in a romantic-themed motel]
Harry: I don't know, Lloyd. These places always seem to bring back a lot of bad memories.
Lloyd: What's the matter, Har? Some little filly break your heart?
Harry: No, it was a girl.
Ace: [to Shickadance] Wanna take a look inside? C'mon. C'mon!
[he shakes his keys acting like they're stuck. The door opens. Ace enters]
Ace: Go ahead. Snoop around!
[Mr. Shickadance enters, looks around and sniffs]
Ace: Well? Are you satisfied?
Mr. Shickadance: Just don't let me catch you with an animal here, that's all.
Ace: All right! Take care now! Bye-bye, then!
[slams door in front of Mr. Shickadance's face]
Ace: L-oser!
Lloyd: So where are you headin'?
Mary: Aspen.
Lloyd: Hmmm, California! Beautiful!
Lloyd: Husband? Wait a minute. What was all that "one in a million" talk?
The: [after getting bit on the butt by Max] That is not a chew toy. You have no idea where it's been.
[Truman and Meryl continue to drive away from Seahaven; Meryl spots a "Danger: Fire Hazard" sign]
Meryl: What about that sign?
Truman Burbank: I'm sure they're exaggerating. We'll be fine.
[Out of nowhere, a massive of fire erupts in the middle of the road]
Meryl: [panicked] What bout that there? Would you believe that?
[Truman and Meryl drive through the fire, and aside from a lot of smoke pouring in, they are fine]
Meryl: Oh. Oh boy. Truman, we're on fire!
Truman Burbank: It's okay!
Meryl: We're on fire!
Truman Burbank: It's okay! It's just smoke! Just smoke. You okay?
Meryl: [terrified] YES!
Truman Burbank: [crazed] WANNA DO IT AGAIN?
Meryl: [still terrified] NO!
[coming out of the 7-11]
Lloyd: Hey, guys. Whoa, Big Gulps, huh? All right! Well, see you later.
Carl: The era of "yes" has begun.
Lloyd: This isn't my real job, you know.
Mary: No?
Lloyd: Nope. My friend Harry and I are saving up to open our own pet store.
Mary: That's nice.
Lloyd: I got worms!
Mary: I beg your pardon?
Lloyd: That's what we're gonna call it. "I Got Worms!" We're gonna specialize in selling worm farms. You know, like ant farms.
Ace: [as Captain Kirk] Captain's Log, stardate 23.9, rounded off to the... nearest decimal point. We've... traveled back in time to save an ancient species from... total annihilation. SO FAR... no... signs of aquatic life, but I'm going to find it. If I have to tear this universe another black hole, I'm going to find it. I've... GOT TO, MISTER.
[Ace Ventura just got his car started]
Ace: It's ALIVE. IT'S ALIVE.
Alley: Hey, mister! You got the time?
The: As a matter of fact I do, Cubby.
[pulls out a wind up alarm clock]
The: LOOK AT THAT! It's exactly two seconds before I honk your nose and pull your underwear over your head!
Bruce: [first lines; over black; as "Man"] Ally, can we get a recap?
Ally: You remember the Kowolskis. They're owned the shop for 30 years, and they are attempting to set a record by making Buffalo's largest cookie. And... you have to wear this.
Bruce: [as "Man"] A hair net?
Ally: Health department.
Bruce: [as "Man"] You're kidding me.
Ally: If you're around the cookie, you have to have it on. It's the law.
Bruce: [as "Man"] I just did the hair. The hair is perfect. All right, give it to me.
Bruce: [cut in to Kowolski's Bakery in Buffalo; The Man, reporting for the Buffalo TV station, rises up with the hair net on his head] God, why do you hate me?
Bruce: [at the bakery, pausing the news broadcast for the interview, Vol is picking his nose] It's a good thing I'm wearing this
Bruce: [tugs at hair net] because I wouldn't want any stray hairs falling into the booger!
Narrator: Then he slunk to the icebox.
[the Grinch hugs the fridge into place]
The: Slunk?
[opens up the fridge]
The: Eee.
Narrator: He eyed the Whos' feast. He took the Who-Pudding.
[the Grinch throws a plate of Who pudding away]
Narrator: He took... the Roast Beast.
The: Hike!
[tosses the Roast Beast in a football hike position]
Narrator: [as the Grinch messes everything up the fridge] He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash. Why, that Grinch, he even took their last can of Who-Hash.
[the Grinch opens up the cupboard to reveal a last can of Who-Hash inside in it just as Cindy opens her bedroom door]
Narrator: Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
The: And now...
Narrator: ...grinned the Grinch...
The: [snatches the tree] ... I'll stuff up the tree.
Truman's: [looking through a photo album] Here's us at Mount Rushmore. Do you remember, Truman? When Dad was still with us? That was quite a drive, you slept the whole way there.
Truman: [looking closer at the old photo of himself as a boy with his parents in front of an inaccurate mock-up of Mount Rushmore] It looks so small.
Truman's: [quickly turning the page] Things always do when you look back, darling.
Jamaal: He may have advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. But he is a very gentle person!
Hank: [singing to The Dwarves' MotherFucker] I'm a Motherfucker! I'm a Motherfucker! I'm a Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo...
[sees Irene with a lawn dart at the ready]
Hank: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
[turns off radio]
Hank: What's the buzz? Tell me what's happenin'.
Lieutenant: Ipkiss? Stanley Ipkiss?
Stanley: Yes?
Lieutenant: Lt. Kellaway, city precinct. You know anything about the disturbance last night?
Stanley: Dis... turbance?
Lieutenant: Yeah, some kind of prowler broke in and attacked Mrs. Peenman.
Stanley: Attacked?
Lieutenant: You didn't hear anything? She unloaded a couple of rounds of buckshot 5 feet from your door.
[Stanley sees Mrs. Peenman complaining about big hole in floor]
Stanley: This is... impossible.
Lieutenant: Those pajamas are impossible. This actually happened.
Stanley: See, I have an inner ear problem. Sometimes I can't hear anything.
Lieutenant: Is that a fact?
Stanley: Eh?
[laughs]
Lieutenant: Here's my card. If you remember anything unusual about last night, anything at all, call me.
Stanley: You betcha. Thank you. And good luck... cracking the case.
Lieutenant: Somebody STOLE your pajamas?
Stanley: [seeing Milo jump at the closet door where the stolen money is] Milo, no! I mean, uh, what is this world coming to when a man's... *pajama drawer* is no longer safe?
Meryl: [holding up a jar of cocoa, slipping into advertising mode] Why don't you let me fix you some of this Mococoa drink? All natural cocoa beans from the upper slopes of Mount Nicaragua. No artificial sweeteners.
Truman: [looking around] What the hell are you talking about? Who are you talking to?
Meryl: I've tasted other cocoas. This is the best.
God: Bruce, you have a divine spark. You have a gift for bringing joy and laughter to the world. I know, I created you.
Bruce: Quit bragging.
Cindy: Santa?
The: WHAT?
Cindy: Don't forget the Grinch. I know he's mean and hairy and smelly. His hands might be cold and clammy, but I think he's actually kinda... sweet.
The: SWEET? You think he's sweet?
Cindy: [nods] Merry Christmas, Santa.
[goes upstairs]
The: Nice kid... baaad judge of character.
Dr. Ivo Robotnik: Hedgehog, it is time to say goodbye to humanity. Welcome to the new norm!
Christof: Talk to me. Say something. Well, say something, goddamn it. You're on television. You're live to the whole world.
Truman Burbank: [Before he goes and exits off-set trough the door] In case I don't see you... good afternoon, good evening, and good night. Yeah!
Ace: If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer.
Lloyd: What the hell are we doing here, Harry? We gotta get out of this town!
Harry: Yeah, and go where? Where are we gonna go?
Lloyd: I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen.
Harry: I don't know Lloyd, the French are assholes.
Grace: So God is picking on you?
Bruce: No, he's ignoring me completely!
Lois: Listen, pet dick. How would you like me to make your life a living hell?
Ace: Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then.
[Charlie, under his alter ego Hank, is dunking a rude little girl in a park fountain]
Hank: You had enough? You've learned your lesson about jumping rope in the street and using dirty language?
Little: I'm gonna tell my daddy on you, Charlie!
Hank: Wrong answer! And the name's Hank, fuckface. Learn it!
Ron: All right, everyone, listen up! By virtue of being on this battlefield, there is no return. People will die.
Jill: I'm so horny right now.
Ron: Some will be disfigured. In some cases, lasting friendships will be made. And as usual, no touching of the hair and face.
CBC: Come on. What do we look like, rookies?
CBC: Sorry.
Ron: When El Trousias, Maiden of the Clouds, blows the battle horn, let the battle begin!
El Trousias Maiden of the Clouds: [on top of the Flatiron Building; yells] I am El Trousias! Hear my siren song!
[plays the battle song]
ESPN: El Trousias... The Juicies'. Hmm.
El Trousias Maiden of the Clouds: That means you can start.
Hank: Holy Jesus in heaven! it's a giant Q-tip.
Irene P. Waters: Hank!
Hank: What? I'm jokin' with the guy. Bringin' a little sunshine into his life. Careful, you'll peel.
Harry: Where did you get those?
Lloyd: I bought them when we filled up.
Harry: We are supposed to talk about all expenditures Lloyd! We are on a very tight budget.
Lloyd: This didn't come out of our travel fund.
Harry: Oh.
Lloyd: Yeah, I was able to raise 25 extra bucks before we left.
Harry: Where did you get 25 extra becks?
Lloyd: I sold some stuff, to Billy in 4C.
Harry: The blind kid?
Lloyd: Yeah! Ha ha!
[Suddenly feels ashamed]
Lloyd: Yeah.
Harry: What did you sell him Lloyd?
Lloyd: Stuff.
Harry: What kinda stuff?
Lloyd: I don't know, stuff. A few baseball cards, a sack of marbles,
[cough]
Lloyd: Petey.
Harry: Petey? You sold my dead bird to a blind kid? Lloyd! Petey didn't even have a head!
Lloyd: Harry, I took care of it...
[cuts to shot of Billy's hands stroking the stiff bird with it's head wrapped in scotch tape]
Billy: Pretty bird. Yes, can you say pretty bird? Pretty bird, yeah pretty bird... Polly want a cracker?
Ace: I'm ready to go in, coach, just give me a chance. I know there's a lot of riding on it, but it's all psychological. Just gotta stay in a positive frame of mind.
Ace: [Hops up] I'm gonna execute a button-hook pattern, super slo-mo.
[Gestures and makes sounds of a slow-motion picture and stops]
Ace: Let's see that in an instant replay.
[Does a reverse playback sound and gesture]
Dorian: Okay, Twinkle Toes. I want to know where my money is, and I want to know right now.
The: Okay.
[sits on stool and takes out an adding machine]
The: You've got 17.5% in T-bills amortized over the fiscal year, 8% in stocks and bonds. Carry the 9, divide by the Gross National Product... fortunately, funeral bouquets are deductible.
Dorian: [to henchman] Ice this deadbeat!
Colonel: Charlie, why didn't you take a vacation when Layla left?
Charlie: Why... why would I? Wives leaves their husbands everyday in this country... It's no reason to short change the department... it's not like I had the flu!
Lloyd: Suck me sideways.
The: One man's toxic sludge is another man's potpourri.
[Max barks]
The: I don't know, it's some kind of soup.
Melissa: [in her office, she is showing Ace a video of the halftime routine performed by their missing mascot, Snowflake. She sees Ace chewing on either birdseeds or sunflower seeds, and spreading the leftovers in a neat pile on her desk] Would you like an ashtray?
Ace: Hmm-mmm. I don't smoke. It's a disgusting habit.
Harry: I can't believe we drove around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip!
Lloyd: Yeah! Unless you wanna work forty hours a week.
Cindy: We're gonna crash!
The: Now you listen to me, young lady! Even if we're *horribly mangled*, there'll be no sad faces on Christmas.
Stanley: [looking wistfully at the newspaper clipping of Tina] Stupid. She would never...
[He turns and sees the mask lying on the sofa. Slowly, he walks over to it, holds it, but then throws it over the sofa]
Stanley: No way.
[Walks away, stops, then jumps back over the sofa and puts it on]
Ace: [with a German accent] How can I be getting zis vork done wit all de shouting? Control de shouting?
Reporter: Who's That?
Ace: Heinz Getwellvet. I am trainer of dolphins. You want to talk to de dolphin, you talk to me.
Reporter: What happened to the *regular* trainer?
Ace: Vat happened to him? Vat happened to me? Seven years I am wit Siegfried.
[he holds up only four fingers]
Ace: Ve are making de dolphins disappear, und den Roy is coming wit de vite tiger und ze shtuffing in de pants und den I'm gone.
Reporter: [skeptically] Where is Snowflake?
Ace: Why do you care about Snowflake? Do you know him? Does he call you at home?
[shouts]
Ace: Do you have a dorsal fin? To train ze dolphin you must zink like ze dolphin! You must be getting inside ze dolphin's head. I am saying to Snowflake, "Akay!... Akay Akay Akay?" und he is saying "AKay Akay!" und he is up on ze tail "Eeeeeeeeee!" und you can quote him!
[Ace spits]
Roger: Alright, it's almost time for Coach Shula's press confrence, uh, lets let Heinz do his work?
Ace: [shooing reporters] Go to de conference, go to it.
Charlie: [referring to Tina] A girl like that is always looking for the BBD: Bigger Better Deal.
Stanley: You don't know that, Charlie. She's an artist. She's... she's sensitive.
Charlie: Stanley, forget her. That girl will tear your heart out, put it in a blender and hit "frappe." You don't need her, man. You need somebody a little more down to earth. Somebody with some integrity. Somebody with...
[sees Peggy]
Charlie: Red hair and full pouty lips, a white blouse, a green jacket and a name tag.
Stanley: [sarcastically] Boy, you really narrowed it down.
Melissa: You know, you're just mad because your stupid little pebble theory didn't work out and you don't know how to express your anger.
Ace: Yeah? And you're ugly.
The: [Two-Face destroys Robin's boat] YOU SUNK MY BATTLE SHIP!
Truman: [Sailing in the artificially-roughened winds and seas - he shouts to the sky] Is that the best you can do?
[Christof, in the "moon room", whips around to face the screen, shocked]
Truman: You're gonna have to kill me!
[sings]
Truman: What do ya do with a drunken sailor? What do ya do with a drunken sailor? What do ya do with a drunken sailor ear-lye in the mor-nin'!
The: [of Two-Face's Lair] I simply love what you've done with the place. Heavy Metal meets House and Garden.
Lloyd: [Harry is choking him barehanded on a picnic table in Aspen] Harry, your hands are freezing!
[Lt. Einhorn is pointing a gun at Ace's head]
Ace: [begging] Don't kill me. Please! I'll never tell anyone, I swear. He's the one you want, kill him!
Dan: No, no kill him.
Ace: No kill him. He held the ball, remember? Come on, look at the guy.
[Lt. Einhorne shoots into the air]
Dan: Cry-baby.
Ace: Jock.
Dan: Whimp.
Ace: Muscle-head.
Lois: SHUT UP.
The: You're ruining my big party! Are you insane?
Two: Just waiting for you to deliver the Batman, dear boy.
The: Patience, O Bifurcated One!
Two: Patience is hell! We want him dead!
The: Well, you could have let me in on the caper. We could have organized this, planned it... pre-sold the movie rights.
Two: Ha!
[Batman enters through the skylight, and begins to fight Two-Face's thugs]
The: Your entrance was good. His was better.
[Batman continues to fight thugs]
The: The difference: showmanship!
The: [Flattened from landing on the street] Look Ma, I'm roadkill!
Two: What?
The: I hope you made extra.
Two: Who the hell are you?
The: Just a friend. But you can call me... the Riddler.
Two: [grabs Riddler by the collar] We'll call you dead, more likely! How did you find us here?
The: But then if I talked, what would keep you from killing me anyway, O Bifurcated One?
The: [looks at Two-Face's disfigurement] By the way, that's never gonna heal if you don't stop picking.
Two: Oh?
Two: [puts pistol to Riddler's head] Let's see if you bleed green!
The: Harvey! I don't think it's me you really want to kill. That'd be too easy for someone as sophisticated as you... and you. But Batman...
The: [gasps] Now, there's a challenge! Kill the Bat! Sounds like a good idea!
The: [Two-Face feigns modesty] Just think of it, a few bullets hit home, a quick splash of blood, and then what? Wet hands... post-homicidal depression.
The: [whimpers] I can help you get Batman.
The: [looks at Two-Face's pistol] That is if you'll spare my life for just a few moments.
Two: [cocks his head in amusment and puts his gun away] Heh...
The: Thank you.
Bruce,1234: It's good.
Joel: Can you hear me? I don't want this any more! I want to call it off!
The: Our love is like a red, red rose... and I am a little thorny.
Dr. Ivo Robotnik: Eurêka! I found it!
Chris: Toss my salad, fool what's that? Well having your salad tossed means having your asshole eaten out with jelly or syrup. I prefer syrup.
Charlie: He's a funny motherfucker!
Truman Burbank: Somebody help me, I'm being spontaneous!
Lloyd: Excuse me, little old lady. Do you have change for a dollar?
Elderly: Change? No I'm sorry, I don't.
Lloyd: Well, can you do me a favor and watch my stuff here while I go break a dollar?
Elderly: Of course.
Lloyd: Thanks. Hey, I guess they're right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me.
Clementine: Let me show you something... come on...
Joel: I think I heard a crack.
Clementine: It's not gonna crack, or break, or... it's so thick!... Show me which constellations you know.
Joel: Um... oh... I don't... know any.
Clementine: Show me which ones you know!
Joel: Okay... okay... oh! There's Osidius.
Clementine: Where?
Joel: Right there... see? Sort of a swoop and a cross, Osidius the Emphatic.
Clementine: You're full of shit, right?
Joel: Nope. Osidius, right there, swoop and cross.
Clementine: Shut the fuck up!
The: [while raiding a jewelry store and looking at a diamond through a hand-held microscope] Here's a good one.
Two: No, no, no.
[shows the Riddler a bigger diamond]
Two: Now, there is a good one.
[Ace is standing in front of Lois who's in her underwear]
Ace: My esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal investigator can be wrong from time to time. But if I am mistaken... if the Lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be... then, my friend, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have *ever* seen!
[turns Lois around to reveal a bulge in her nether regions]
Ace: *That's* why Roger Podacter is dead! He found Captain Winkie!
[all the men in the vicinity start throwing up because Einhorn has kissed them]
Cindy: [kisses the Grinch on the cheek] Your cheek's so...
The: I know. Hairy.
Cindy: No.
The: Greasy? Stinky? Do I have a zit?
Cindy: No. Warm.
Grace: You know that everything happens for a reason.
Bruce: See, that I don't need. That is a cliche. That is not helpful to me. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I have no bird, I have no bush. God has taken my bird and my bush.
Mask: You were good kid, real good. But as long as I'm around, you'll always be second best, see?
Ronald: Who is he, a friend?
Melissa: No, this is my date. He's a lawyer.
Ronald: Well, does he have a name, or should I call him "lawyer?"
Melissa: No, this is Ace... um, Tom Ace.
Ace: Tom Ace. Pleasure to meet you Sir and may I congradulate you on all your success... you smell TEREFFIC! I was just telling Melissa that one of the first things we learned back at... Stanford Law... was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims against wealthy, private homeowners. In fact, if one were so inclined, one could make quite a lucrative law practice on little else. How is everyone feeling tonight?
Ronald: [nervously] Very, very well, thank you.
Doyle: [frisking the Mask] Really big sunglasses.
Park: Bike horn.
Doyle: Small mouth bass.
Park: Bowling pin.
Doyle: [Yells in pain] Mouse trap.
Park: Rubber chicken.
Mask: A little to the left... that's it.
Doyle: [squeezes a stress releaver toy a few times] Mmmm, I don't know. Funny eyeball glasses?
Mask: I've never seen those before in my life.
Park: Bazooka?
Mask: I have a permit for that.
Doyle: [going through The Mask's pocket] Picture of Kellaway's wife.
Lieutenant: [shocked] What?
Mask: [mockingly] Uh-oh.
Lieutenant: [sees a photo of his wife in a sexy nightgown with the words 'Call Me Lover! 555-9371' written on it] Margaret! You son of a bitch!
[He tries to punch the Mask, but the Mask easily dodges him]
Mask: Geez, I figured you had a sense of humor. After all - you married her!
[slaps both Kellaway and Doyle in the face repeatedly]
Mask: That's gotta hurt.
[makes a silly face and runs off]
Lieutenant: Get him!
[looks down to see his and Doyle's wrists are handcuffed to each other]
Lieutenant: Doyle!
The: [stops Two Face killing Batman] Don't kill him! If you kill him, he won't learn nothin'!
Lloyd: I'm only human, Harry! Come on! Stop being a baby. So we backtracked a tad.
Harry: A tad? A tad, Lloyd? You drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction! Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen, we don't have enough money to get home, we don't have enough money to eat, we don't have enough money to sleep!
Lloyd: Well, it's not gonna do us any good sitting here whining about it. We're in a hole. We're just going to have to dig ourselves out.
Dr. Chase Meridian: [Edward is hiding in the shadows of his cell in Arkham Asylum] Edward?
Edward: Who is it?
Dr. Chase Meridian: It's Dr. Meridian; Chase. Do you remember me?
Edward: How can I forget?
Dr. Chase Meridian: Dr. Burton tells me that you know who Batman is.
Edward: I can't tell you if you don't say "please".
Dr. Chase Meridian: Edward, please. Who is Batman?
Edward: [leaps out from the shadows with his outfit in the shape of a bat costume] I'M... Batman!
[repeated line]
Ace: LOOO-HOOO-ZUH-HER!
Homeless: [holding up a sign] "GOD BEE GOOD HONEY"
Bruce: [holds up his own sign] "WHATEVER HE SAID - >"
The: Holiday who-be what-ee?
[mimicking Sean Connery]
Ace: Lovely party. Pity I wasn't invited.
Carl: Was I chewing gum before?
Ace: Hi, I'm looking for Ray Finkle.
[a shotgun cocks and is pointed at his head]
Ace: ...and a clean pair of shorts.
[Joel calls Clem on the telephone]
Clementine: What took you so long?
Joel: I just walked in.
Clementine: Do you miss me?
Joel: Oddly enough, I do!
Clementine: You said "I do" - I guess that means we're married!
Joel: I guess so!
Hank: Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.
Ace: No problem, it gets flooded, we'll just wait a few seconds.
[suddenly the dog thief appears and smashes the windshield with a baseball bat]
Ace: Or we could try it now.
Hank: Hi, ladies. My name is Charlie Baileygates. Would you like to see my weasel?
Mr. Kim: Ow, it hurts!
Colonel: Yeah, there's a dog on your balls!
[laughs]
Lloyd: I want to ask you a question, straight out, flat out, and I want you to give me the honest answer. What do you think the chances are of a guy like you and a girl like me ending up together?
Mary: Well Lloyd, that's difficult to say. We really don't...
Lloyd: Hit me with it! Just give it to me straight! I came a long way just to see you Mary, just... The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?
Mary: Not good.
[the background soundtrack music suddenly stops]
Lloyd: [he gulps, his mouth twitching] You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?
Mary: I'd say more like one out of a million.
Lloyd: [long pause while he processes what he's heard] So you're telling me there's a chance. YEAH!
Lloyd: I get 70 miles to the gallon on this hog.
Irene P. Waters: Does your ass feel numb?
Charlie: [referring to his pills] No, but they give me unbelievable cotton-mouth.
Irene P. Waters: I meant from the ride.
Charlie: Oh. Oh, no. Over the years my ass has taken a pounding.
The: That's what it's all about, isn't it? That's what it's always been *about*. Gifts, gifts... gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts! You wanna know what happens to your gifts? They all come to me. In your garbage. You see what I'm saying? In your *garbage*. I could hang myself with all the bad Christmas neckties I found at the dump. And the avarice...
[shouts]
The: The avarice never ends! "I want golf clubs. I want diamonds. I want a pony so I can ride it twice, get bored and sell it to make glue." Look, I don't wanna make waves, but this *whole* Christmas season is...
[shouts again]
The: ...stupid, stupid, stupid!
[calmer]
The: There is, however, one teeny-tiny Christmas tradition I find quite meaningful...
[holds up mistletoe]
The: Mistletoe.
[puts mistletoe over his butt]
The: Now pucker up and kiss it, Whoville!
[wiggles mistletoe]
The: Boi-yoi-yoi-yoing!
Joel: [narration as Clementine acknowledges him by raising her coffee mug] Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?
Clementine: You're not a stalker, or anything, right?
Joel: I'm not a stalker. YOU'RE the one that talked to me, remember?
Clementine: That is the oldest trick in the stalker book.
Joel: Really? There's a stalker book? Great, I gotta read that one.
[Melissa and Ace are reading news clippings about Ray Finkle]
Melissa: "Replacement Kicker Having a Great Year." "Ready For Super Bowl, All-Star Kicker Boasts."
Ace: "Field Goal Sails Wide. Dolphins Lose Super Bowl."
Melissa: The "Kick Heard Round The World." That was Finkle. The Dolphins lost by one point.
[Ace lets out an impressed whistle. Melissa flips to the next clipping, with a headline that reads "Finkle Contract Not Renewed."]
Melissa: Poor guy.
Ace: Poor guy with a motive, baby.
Harry: Hi, Lloyd.
Lloyd: Hi, Harry.
Harry: How was your day?
Lloyd: Not bad. Fell off the jet way again.
The: Hey Two-Face, show me how to punch a guy!
Two: Oh, it's dead simple, my boy.
Two: [demonstrates] Ball up the fist, reach way back, and assert yourself.
[knocks guard out with one punch]
The: Ohhhh, that looks like fun! Let me try! Let me try! Ball up the fist, reach way back, and assert your...
[hits guard with no effect and holds his hand in agony]
The: OW!
Bruce: [to God, after Grace breaks up with him] How do you make someone love you without affecting Free Will?
God: [snorts] Heh, welcome to my world, son. If you come up with an answer to that one, let me know.
[first lines]
Joel: [voice over] random thoughts for Valentine's day, 2004. Today is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap.
Joel: Hi.
Clementine: Hi. Didn't figure you'd show your face around me again. I guess I thought you were... humiliated. You did run away, after all.
Joel: I just needed to see you.
Clementine: Yeah?
Joel: I'd like to, um... take you out, or something.
Clementine: You're married.
Joel: Not yet, not married. No, I'm not married.
Clementine: Look man, I'm telling you right off the bat, I'm high-maintainance, so... I'm not gonna tip-toe around your marriage, or whatever it is you've got goin' there. If you wanna be with me, you're with me.
Joel: Okay.
Clementine: Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours.
Joel: I remember that speech really well.
Clementine: I had you pegged, didn't I?
Joel: You had the whole human race pegged.
Clementine: Hmm. Probably.
Joel: I still thought you were gonna save my life... even after that.
Clementine: Ohhh... I know.
Joel: It would be different, if we could just give it another go-round.
Clementine: Remember me. Try your best; maybe we can.
Bobby the Bouncer: Uh, are you on the list?
The: Noooo. But I believe my friends are. Perhaps you know them.
[He takes fistfuls of high denomination cash out of his pocket]
The: Franklin, Grant, and... Jackson?
Marlon: Look at that sunset, Truman. It's perfect.
Truman: Yeah.
Marlon: That's the big guy. Quite a paint brush he's got.
The: [Upon discovering the Batcave] Spank me!
Two: [He cries on seeing a newspaper report of Batman's latest escape]
The: That's what I said. Then I taught my doggie a new trick: how to map the human mind. Would you like to see what our old friend Bruce Wayne has in his head?
The: [he plugs in the disk with Bruce Wayne's memory; on the screen they see the image of the giant bat. Two-Face starts laughing] Riddle me this, what sort of a man has bats on the brain? Go ahead, you can say it.
Two: You're a genius!
The: Oh, stop!
CBC: There's not gonna be any fight without Scott Riles and the incredibly polite Canadian news team.
Canadian: What about the French-speaking Quebec News? The real voice of Canada!
CBC: Give it a rest, eh?
Champ: Give me a break! They can't have news. Nothing happens in Canada!
Canadian: That's not true! Sometimes people's feelings get hurt.
CBC: And sometimes the lake freezes.
Brick: I like your ginger ale!
The: Like the jacket? It keeps me safe when I'm... jogging at night!
Dr. Ivo Robotnik: [running from a boulder] I don't want to die like this! It's derivative!
Carl: [while watching Saw on DVD] Oh come on, you're halfway through, just snap it off already!
Clementine: [Clementine has dyed her hair orange] You like? To match my sweatshirt, exactly.
Joel: Ahaaahhhhh! Ohhhhhh! I like it!
Clementine: You do?
Joel: You look like a tangerine!
Clementine: Hmmm, Clementine the tangerine.
Joel: Juicy... 'n seedless.
Clementine: I like that.
Bruce: Okay, prayer beads, 'God, please give me a sign.'
[Truck with Danger signs passes him]
Truman Burbank: [observes Sylvia wearing a pin reading "How's it going to end?"] I like your pin. I was wondering that myself.
Lloyd: They got the Monkees. They were a major influence on the Beatles.
Norman: You called me Norm!
Carl: Yeah.
Norman: Could that like be my nickname?
Carl: Yeah, I guess.
Norman: Ah nice, I like your style, Car. That could be yours.
Carl: Yeah, Carl's pretty short already but...
Lloyd: I said, "Do you love me?" and she said, "No, but that's a really nice ski mask."
Meryl: Hi, honey! Look what I got free at the checkout. It's a "Chef's Pal". It's a dicer, grater, peeler, all in one. Never needs sharpening, dishwasher safe!
Truman: [feigning interest] Wow. That's amazing.
Dr. Ivo Robotnik: It's so nice when diabolical evil lives up to the hype!
Edward: [hit boss on head with coffee canister] Caffeine'll KILL YA!
Bruce: [the body of Jimmy Hoffa has just been exhumed] Hey kid, wanna make 10 bucks?
Kid: Sure.
Bruce: [holding a video camera] You know how to work one of these?
Kid: Duh!
Bruce: [blows into the eye piece like a trumpet] Seems to be in tune. Let's do this!
Harry: So you got fired again, eh?
Lloyd: Oh yeah. They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, you know?
Harry: Yeah, well, I lost my job too.
Lloyd: Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense.
Harry: No, none taken. You know what really chaps my ass though? I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog. The alarm alone cost me two hundred.
Lloyd: Hey, chicks love it. It's a shaggin' wagon.
Truman: Can you tell her I had to go to Fiji and that I'll call her when I get there?
The: [to the camera] Kids today. So desensitized by movies and televison.
Joel: I can't remember anything without you.
Clementine: Aw, that's... very sweet, but try.
Harry: I don't get it, Lloyd. She told me ten o' clock, sharp! Are you sure you went to the right bar?
Lloyd: Yep. I'm pretty sure. Lobby bar right by the lobby.
Harry: [sighs]
Lloyd: Maybe she just had a change of heart.
Harry: Oh, that pisses me off! That pisses me right off! I hate when women do that. She wanted to see you again! And now no? Now... Wait a minute! Wait! She must have meant ten o' clock at night!
Lloyd: Do you think...?
Harry: Why would she have you meet her in a bar at ten in the morning?
Lloyd: I just figured she was a raging alcoholic.
Dr. Ivo Robotnik: It's cold in here. Let's turn up the heat!
[last lines]
Narrator: So he brought back the toys and the food for the feast. And he, he himself, the Grinch, carved the roast beast.
The: There's nothin' like the holidays. Who wants the gizzard?
Drew: I do.
The: Too late. That'll be mine.
Guy: Hey big guy, you hear the news, my son Billy got the lead in his school musical.
Hank: Well I guess he likes the cock after all.
Dr. Ivo Robotnik: You see... Earth... Is my turf, G.
[He suddenly starts to floss]
Dr. Ivo Robotnik: If you don't know how to floss, you'll be lost without me!
Knuckles: [confused] I understand nothing of what you just said.
Charlie: I turn my back for one moment then you stick it up my ass. Literally!
Irene P. Waters: For your information, you stuck it in your own ass!
Bruce: [sticking up his middle finger and pretending he's playing a jazz tune] I can hold that note all day, buddy.
Bruce: Where are you going?
God: I'm taking a vacation.
Bruce: God doesn't take vacations. Does he? Do... ye?
God: Did you ever heard of the Dark Ages? Besides, I'm covered. You can clear everything up in five minutes, if you want to. Right?
Dr. Ivo Robotnik: [after Super Sonic destroys his robot] Ohh, it's like that? Okay, we're not friends!
[Falls out of the Death Egg Robot]
Dr. Ivo Robotnik: LATER, HATER!
Lois: And somebody get me some coffee!
Ace: Tonight on Miami Vice, Crockett gets the boss some coffee.
Stanley: It's a power tie. It's supposed to make you feel... powerful.
Tina: Does it work?
Stanley: [knowing it doesn't work, tries changing the subject] Now, uh, how about that account? We have...
[nervously jams a pen in the pencil sharpener, making a loud grinding noise]
Stanley: Checking, savings and checking, CDs, savings and CDs, checking and CDs, savings, checking, and CDs, T-bills, or we can just take all your money and throw it in a big mattress back there.
[man and woman walk by]
Harry: Ooh, look at the buns on that one.
Lloyd: Yeah, he must work out.
Hank: [after Dickie gets knocked out] Oh, your golf buddy?
Irene P. Waters: Yeah.
Hank: Well, I hope he doesn't mind if I play through.
Irene P. Waters: Knock it off, Hank!
Hank: Okay, turn around. I'll play the back nine.
Irene P. Waters: Stop it.
Hank: C'mon. He couldn't have chewed up the greens that badly.
Irene P. Waters: Get away from me!
Hank: Whoa!
Irene P. Waters: He hasn't played the course in a long time, okay? It was Charlie who was putting.
Hank: Charlie?
Irene P. Waters: Yeah, that's right. He may not be long off the tee, but he's got a pretty good up and down game.
Hank: [Frustrated] What the hell is that suppo- Could we just speak English for a second here?
Bruce: Lord, feed the hungry, and bring peace to all of mankind. How's that?
God: Great... If you wanna be Miss America.
Truman: I hereby proclaim this planet Trumania of the Burbank Galaxy.
Truman: [after scaring the two control room directors by seemingly talking to them, then easing them by seeming to revert back to his eccentricity, while they look at their notes temporarily] That one's for free.
Harry: Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life. Mary and I went skiing, we made a snowman, she touched my leg...
Lloyd: Okay, kill him!
Christof: I know you better than you know yourself.
Truman: You never had a camera in my head!
Hank: Hey, ringworm.
[Softball Player looks around]
Hank: Yeah, I'm talking to you, you toxic waste of life. You gonna pick up that butt, or do I have to glue it to the end of my shoe and stick it in your big fat pimply a-hole?
Softball: Hey, man, take it easy. It's just a cigarette.
Hank: Oh yeah? Well, this is just a fist. But when I start throwing it around, it can leave one hell of a mess.
Lloyd: Mock
Harry: Yeah!
Lloyd: Ing
Harry: Yeah!
Lloyd: Bird
Harry: Yeah!
Lloyd: Yeah!
Harry: Yeah!
Harry: [shivering] I can't feel my f-fingers anymore, Lloyd. They're-they're numb!
Lloyd: Maybe you should wear these extra gloves.
Lloyd: [takes off gloves over another pair of gloves] My hands are starting to get sweaty.
Harry: Extra gloves? You've had this pair of extra gloves this whole time?
Lloyd: [obliviously] Yeah, we're in the Rockies!
Harry: I'm gonna kill you.
The: Am I just eating because I'm bored?
Joel: It's goddamn freezing on this beach. Montauk in February, brilliant, Joel.
Lloyd: [addressing Mary] I'm crazy about you. I've never felt this way about anybody.
Lloyd: [laughs nervously] Listen to me! I feel like a schoolboy again. A schoolboy who desperately wants to make sweet, sweet love to you.
Mary: [Mary comes into the room, making it clear to viewers that Lloyd's previous words were just a rehearsal] I thought I heard you talking to someone.
Lloyd: [now extremely nervous] Mary... I... I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy.
Mrs. Peenman: Ipkiss, do you have any idea what time it is?
Stanley: Actually, no.
Mrs. Peenman: [spots his wet feet on her carpet] My new carpet! Well, this is coming right out of your security deposit, Ipkiss!
Stanley: You know, Mrs. Peenman...
Mrs. Peenman: What?
Stanley: [dejectedly] Nothing.
Mrs. Peenman: Well, that's what you are, Ipkiss, a big nothing!
Stanley: [after Mrs. Peenman slams her door] Aren't you due back at the lab to have your BOLTS tightened?
[to himself]
Stanley: I should've said that.
Harry: [a large bus full of gorgeous women in bikinis pull up beside them and three step out]
Bikini: Hi, guys. We're going on a national bikini tour, and we're looking for two oil boys who can grease us off before each competition.
Harry: You are in luck! There's a town about three miles that way. I'm sure you'll find a couple guys there.
Bikini: [baffled] Okay, thanks.
[the doors close and the bus drives off. After a second, Lloyd turns to Harry]
Lloyd: Do you realize what you've done?
[they run after the bus]
Lloyd: HEY! HEY!
Harry: Lloyd! Lloyd!
[the bus stops and opens the doors]
Lloyd: [panting] You'll have to excuse my friend. He's a little slow. The town is back *that* way.
Harry: What's with the briefcase?
Lloyd: It's a love memento. The most beautiful woman alive. I drove her to the airport. Sparks flew. Emotions ran high. She actually talked to me, man.
Harry: [flabbergasted] Get outta here.
Lloyd: Oh, yeah. Tractor beam.
Lloyd: [imitates beam noise]
Lloyd: Sucked me right in. Anyway, she left this in the terminal and flew to Aspen and outta my life.
Harry: What's in it?
Lloyd: Man. I would have to be a lowlife to go routin' around in somebody else's private property.
Harry: Is it locked?
Lloyd: Yeah, really well.
The: [his plan to ruin Christmas for the Whos] The crescendo of my odious opus.
Bruce: There were so many. I just gave them all what they want.
God: Yeah. But since when does anyone have a clue about what they want?
Bruce: So tell us mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?
Mama: Well, man from health department say he find rat pellet in pastry but I say no, is big chocolate sprinkle, but he shut store down. So we clean up, make big cookie for to bring customers back.
Bruce: Let's try that again, shall we?
Bruce: [Beep-beep; New take] So tell us mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?
Mama: So all the children in the neighborhood will be happy?
Bruce: And isn't it nice to see all their smiling faces?
Vol: I work in back. I see no smiles.
[Exasperated, Bruce tosses the mic to the counter]
Lloyd: [sees framed newspaper article about moon landing] No, way! That's great.
[chuckles]
Lloyd: WE'VE LANDED ON THE MOON!
[Cindy meets the Grinch for the first time]
Cindy: You're the... the...
The: [mimicking Cindy] The... the... THE GRINCH!
Lois: What would you know about pressure?
Ace: Well, I have kissed a man.
[4-year-old Joel watches his mother leave the room]
4: I really want her to pick me up. It's amazing how strong that desire is.
Truman: [He's trying to leave town in his car, with Meryl. He's gone through various obstacles including traffic jams and a forest fire. Now he's hearing a warning siren; suspiciously] What now?
Meryl: [they're coming up to Seahaven Nuclear Power Station. Police, firemen and men in radiation suits are blocking the road] Truman, it looks like a leak at the plant.
Policeman at Power Plant: [walking up to the car window] Back up, back up. Leak at the plant. We had to shut her down.
Truman: Is there any way around?
Policeman at Power Plant: [shakes head] Whole area's been evacuated.
Meryl: Is there anything I can do?
Policeman at Power Plant: No, ma'am.
Truman: [sighs] Thank you for your help.
Policeman at Power Plant: You're welcome, Truman.
Truman: [stunned whisper] Truman?
Narrator: So whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes, he stood outside his cave, hating the Whos.
The: [opens phone book] Alphabetically!
[looks into book]
The: Aadvarkian Abakeneezer Who, I...
[yelling]
The: HATE YOU!
[looks into book again]
The: Aaron B. Benson Who, I hate *you*.
[looking into book]
The: Hate, hate, hate. Hate, hate, hate. Double hate. LOATHE ENTIRELY!
Carrie: I saw you talking to someone pretty!
Rob: Yeah, man, who was that?
Joel: She was... just a girl.
Riddler: The Puzzler!
Riddler: The Gamester!
Riddler: Captain Kill!
Riddler: Question Mark Man?
Riddler: Thank you... Thank you so much!
[Tyrell and Ipkiss are fighting at the club]
Dorian: I'm gonna take you apart.
Stanley: Well, I hope you can enjoy the victory with one freakin' eye!
[Ipkiss pokes Tyrell in the eye]
Joel: Look at it out here, it's all falling apart. I'm erasing you and I'm happy!
Insect: I've been bullied my whole life for being gay; so, now I stand up for the defenseless. It's why I don't wear a mask. Too much like being back in the closet.
Colonel: As long as your heart's in the right place, we don't care what you put in your mouth.
Carl: You ever had a Red Bull? Ive never had a Red Bull before, but I had a Red Bull last night - I really like Red Bull.
[shakes his glow-in-the-dark hoop]
Carl: ... got this new... glow in the dark thing... cant really see it right now, unless you go like this...
[holds part of the hoop to his eyes and covers it with his hands]
Ace: That's a lovely dog you have there Sir. Mind if I pet him?
Man: I don't give a rat's ass.
Ace: Alllrighty then.
Ace: I have to have money to buy food. I have to have a dolphin to get the money. I don't see a dolphin around here, do you?
The: All right, you're a reindeer. Here's your motivation: Your name is Rudolph, you're a freak with a red nose, and no one likes you. Then, one day, Santa picks you and you save Christmas. No, forget that part. We'll improvise... just keep it kind of loosey-goosey. You HATE Christmas! You're gonna steal it. Saving Christmas is a lousy ending, way too commercial. ACTION!
[Max knocks the red nose off]
The: BRILLIANT! You reject your own nose because it represents the glitter of commercialism. Why didn't I think of that? Cut, print, check the gate, moving on.
The: What's that stench? It's fantastic.
[a taxicab passes him by]
The: It's because I'm green isn't it?
Colonel: [to Eisenhower] You have to stay in there till you calm down, you lunatic. Wonder what's bothering you.
Mother: I know. Tonight you die.
Colonel: [draws gun] Ladies first.
Mother: You will not shoot me. You are superhero. You help people. You do not hurt them.
Chris: That's super-villain territory; or, as I like to call my little gang, The Toxic Mega-Cunts.
The: [waves] Hi.
Colonel: [takes gun; clicks; Mother Russia realizes it's empty] Yeah, just like your head.
Genghis: [Mother Russia overpowers Colonel, pulls out a machete and stabs him] Yeah!
The: Ooh, that's gotta hurt.
[Mother Russia uses Colonel's coat to wipe his blood off her blade]
Chris: I did my homework on you, Colonel. You used to be Sal Bertolinni, didn't you? Did a few jobs for my dad back in the day before you got born-again?
Colonel: [dying] I used to hangout with a lot of losers.
Chris: Is this how you thought you would die, Sal? Dressed like an idiot?
Colonel: Who are you supposed to be?
Chris: I'm the Motherfucker, and I'm here to end Kick-Ass, not just kill him. I am going to shit on everything that he loved. Let's trash this place guys.
[picks up mail statement]
Chris: Miranda Swedlow. Who's that, Sal? She one of the whores on your team?
[googles her name and matches her with her face on the poster]
Chris: Night Bitch. All snuggled up to Kick-Ass. Looks like our boy's got a new hot pocket.
Mother: Want me to kill his dog?
Chris: The dog, Jesus Christ, I'm not that evil. Cut the old man's head off. You guys hungry? I'm starving. Let's go get some pizza.
Mother: Don't worry, I kill you first.
[wraps legs around Colonel's neck]
Colonel: Justice Forever...
[snaps neck; dies]
Mayor: They nursed you. They clothed you. Here they are! Your old biddies!
The: Are you two still living?
Mr. Shickadance: Ventuuurrraaa.
Ace: Yes, Satan? Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You sounded like someone else.
Mr. Shickadance: Never mind the wisecracks, Ventura...
[coughs in Ace's face]
Mr. Shickadance: ... you owe me rent.
Ace: Mr. Shickadance, I told you, you're my first priority. I'm on a very big case right now. Check this out. Look at that.
[shows him a flyer]
Ace: That's a true Albino pigeon. Some rich guy lost it. He's offering a $25,000 reward. As soon as I find this bird, you're paid.
Mr. Shickadance: I heard animals in there, Ventura. I heard 'em again this mornin' scratchin' around.
Ace: I never bring my work home with me, sir.
Mr. Shickadance: Oh yeah? What's all this pet food for?
Ace: Fiber.
The: [stops a tiny car] Evening, folks. Mind if I squeeze in?
[starts to sit on the car]
The: You might want to scooch over.
[the whos run away]
The: You did the right thing.
Lloyd: If I know Mary as well as I think I do, she'll invite us right in for tea and strumpets.
Joel: [in the house on the beach] I have to go. I have to catch my ride.
Clementine: So go!
Joel: I did. I thought maybe you were a nut... but you were exciting.
Clementine: I wish you had stayed.
Joel: I wish I had stayed too. NOW I wish I had stayed. I wish I had done a lot of things. I wish I had... I wish I had stayed. I do.
Clementine: Well I came back downstairs and you were gone!
Joel: I walked out, I walked out the door!
Clementine: Why?
Joel: I don't know. I felt like a scared little kid, I was like... it was above my head, I don't know.
Clementine: You were scared?
Joel: Yeah. I thought you knew that about me. I ran back to the bonfire, trying to outrun my humiliation, I think.
Clementine: Was it something I said?
Joel: Yeah... you said "so go." With such disdain, you know?
Clementine: Oh, I'm sorry.
Joel: It's okay.
[Walking Out]
Clementine: Joely? What if you stayed this time?
Joel: I walked out the door. There's no memory left.
Clementine: Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Let's pretend we had one.
[Joel comes back. Clementine walks down the stairs towards him]
Clementine: Bye Joel.
Joel: I love you.
Clementine: Meet me... in Montauk...
Meryl: [Spinning around the roundabout] Truman, I think I'm going to throw up!
Truman: Me too!
Clementine: [after discussing the names for all the different hair colors there must be] I apply my personality into paste.
Joel: Oh, I doubt that very much.
Clementine: Well, you don't know me so... you don't know, do you?
Joel: Sorry, I was... just trying to be nice.
Clementine: Yeah... I got it...
[She hides behind the seat for a minute]
Clementine: ... I'm Clementine, by the way.
Joel: I'm Joel.
Clementine: Hi, Joel.
[they shake hands]
Clementine: No jokes about my name... Nooo, you wouldn't do that. You were trying to be nice.
Joel: I don't know any jokes about your name.
Clementine: Huckleberry Hound.
Joel: I don't know what that means.
Clementine: Huckleberry Hound? What are you, NUTS?
Joel: It's been suggested.
The: Riddle me this, riddle me that, who's afraid of the big, black bat?
Dr. Ivo Robotnik: Work smarter, not harder...
Mask: Hold on, Sugar! Daddy's got a sweet tooth tonight!
Clementine: I'm Clementine. Can I... borrow a piece of your chicken?
Joel: And then you just took it... without waiting for an answer. It was so intimate; like we were already lovers.
Ace: Once you get inside my head, there's no turning back baby.
Lloyd: Why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere?
Mary: How'd you guess?
Lloyd: I saw your luggage. Then when I noticed the airline ticket, I put 2 and 2 together.
Dr. Ivo Robotnik: There were good people on both sides.
Bruce: Bruce giveth and Bruce taketh away. Don't like it? Megabyte me.
The: [after being defeated] Why? Why can't I kill you? Too many questions. Too many questions.
Batman: Poor Edward. I had to save them both. You see, I'm both Bruce Wayne and Batman. Not because I have to be. Now... because I choose to be.
The: [Batman holds out his hand, as he backs away as he sees a bat] AAAAHHH! AHHHHGH! AAAAGH!
Lieutenant: Ipkiss! Police! Freeze!
[the Mask freezes in mid-air]
Lieutenant: Put your hands up.
The: [his teeth are frozen together] But you told me to freeze!
Lieutenant: All right, all right. Un-freeze.
[the Mask un-freezes and falls to the ground]
Lieutenant: You're under arrest.
[pulls out his cuffs]
The: No! It wasn't me! It was the One-Armed Man!
[regular voice]
The: All right, I confess! I did it, ya hear? And I'm glad! GLAD, I TELL YA!
[gets down on his knees and puts his hands up together]
The: What are they gonna do to me, Sarge? WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO?
Lieutenant: [puts the cuffs on The Mask's wrists] Sorry, son. That's not my department. Search him.
The: [the cops bring The Mask to his feet] Ow! Where's a cam-corder when you need one?
[snorts in laughter, Kellaway nods as if to say "touché"]
Joel: Wait!
Clementine: ...What?... What do you *want* Joel?
Joel: I don't know! I want you wait for just a... a while.
Lloyd: Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?
[In the control room, Christof grabs a headset and a monitor to see Truman standing in front of the door to the real world]
Christof: Truman.
[Truman hears Christof's booming voice coming from the sky]
Christof: You can speak. I can hear you.
Truman Burbank: Who are you?
Christof: I am the creator... of a television show that gives hope and joy and inspiration to millions.
Truman Burbank: Then who am I?
Christof: You're the star.
Truman Burbank: Was nothing real?
Christof: *You* were real. That's what made you so good to watch.
[Truman turns back to face the door]
Christof: Listen to me, Truman. There's no more truth out there than there is in the world I created for you. The same lies. The same deceit. But in my world, you have nothing to fear. I know you better than you know yourself.
Truman Burbank: [insulted] You never had a camera in my head!
Christof: You're afraid. That's why you can't leave. It's okay, Truman. I understand. I have been watching you your whole life. I was watching when you were born. I was watching when you took your first step. I watched you on your first day of school.
[chuckles]
Christof: The episode where you lost your first tooth.
[smiles]
Christof: You can't leave, Truman. You belong here... with me.
[Truman remains silent, contemplating]
Christof: Talk to me. Say something.
[incredulous]
Christof: Well, say something, goddamn it! You're on television! You're live to the whole world!
[Truman turns back with a familiar smile]
Truman Burbank: In case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening and good night.
[false chuckle]
Truman Burbank: Yeah.
[Truman takes a bow and then steps through the door to Christof's astonishment]
Lois: Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom, you better be gone.
Ace: Is it number one or number two? I just want to know how much time I have.
Stanley: [to Milo, after he manages to sneak into Stanley's prison cell] Good boy. See that man over there?
[looks at the sleeping prison guard]
Stanley: He's got keys. Yeah. Go get those keys. Go get 'em! Go get the keys! Go get 'em!
[He lets Milo go. Milo slips through the prison cells and jumps onto the guard's desk]
Stanley: That's it. Okay, get the...
[Milo turns around with a piece of cheese in his mouth]
Stanley: No, not the CHEESE. The KEYS!
Bruce: [Grace is in the kitchen washing up. Bruce grabs her from behind and pulls her into a kiss] Morning.
Grace: [Cheerful and giggly] Good morning. I made you grilled cheese.
Bruce: [He sits down at the dinner table] Ooo, my favey.
Grace: Honey last night was just...
Bruce: Heavenly? I know, I know...
Grace: I mean, you know, I woke up this morning and I felt like... like my boobs were bigger. I mean, do they look bigger to you?
Bruce: [Accidentally squirts ketchup all over his sandwich] Uh, what? Your... uh... bigger?
Grace: Oh, come on!
Grace: [She jiggles her boobs for him] Look at them, please! They are definitely bigger, I mean, look, they feel huge to me!
Bruce: Listen, I uh, have to go. But this has been the breast beck... breast... thank you.
Grace: [Bruce kisses her] Where are you going?
Bruce: [He turns around, confident] To get my job back.
The: [turns on the other Boxes for Sugar and Spice, then shows him his Box wand] This is how I found you. Let me demonstrate.
The: [puts the wand on Two-Face's head] This is your brain on the Box.
The: [takes the wand off of Two-Face's head] This is my brain on the Box.
The: [puts the wand on his own head] Does anybody else feel like a fried egg?
Two: We'll have a bit more, thank you.
The: Oh, there's more. But only the first one's free. Here's the bargain: you will help me steal production capital, so I can put a Box on every TV in town. So I can become Gotham's cleverest carbon-based life-form! And in return... is everybody paying attention? I will help you solve the greatest riddle of all... the mother of all riddles: "Who is Batman?"
The: Oh, the Who-manity.
Irene P. Waters: You should be furious. I just dropped kicked you right in the face.
Charlie: Hey, it happens.
Carl: Yes!
Joel: If only I could meet someone new. I guess my chances of that happening are somewhat diminished, seeing that I'm incapable of making eye contact with a woman I don't know.
Dr. Ivo Robotnik: I've been striving to make fungi into a functional drink of choice.
[coming out of the men's room, all wet with his clothes torn]
Ace: Do *not* go in there! Pheeww!
Lloyd: I'll bet you twenty bucks I can get you gambling before the end of the day!
Harry: No way!
Lloyd: I'll give you three to one odds.
Harry: No.
Lloyd: Five to one.
Harry: No.
Lloyd: Ten to one?
Harry: You're on!
Lloyd: I'm gonna get ya!
Harry: Nuh uh!
Lloyd: I don't know how, but I'm gonna get ya.
Nick: Psh, fine! I wipe my ass with fine!
Carl: ...Wow. Um. Ok?
Hank: So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from?
Irene P. Waters: Oh, all over.
Hank: Omnipresence. I like that in a woman.
Joel: I had a really nice time last night.
Clementine: Nice?
Joel: I had the best fucking night of my entire fucking life, last night!
Clementine: Thaaaat's better!
The: Can't make the scene if you don't have the green.
Tweed: Can you explain why you were at the airport buying a ticket with no luggage?
Carl: You know it was a spur-of-the-moment trip.
Tweed: Yeah I was just explaining to my partner here how much I've always wanted to see Lincoln, Nebraska.
Hank: Come on, don't be mad, my little pussy-fart.
Carl: Steph...! I can't... I'm so sorry.
Stephanie: What are you saying?
Carl: ...I'm saying "no."
Shonte Jr.: Damn. I can't figure out the atomic mass of this motherfuckin' deuteron!
Jamaal: Shit, man, that shit's simple! Okay. Tell me this. Tell me this.
Shonte Jr.: What? What?
Jamaal: What's a deuteron made up of?
Shonte Jr.: Duh, a proton and a neutron.
Jamaal: Then what's this motherfuckin' electron doing right there?
Shonte Jr.: Shit, I don't know!
Jamaal: Well, get it outta there then!
Shonte Jr.: Okay, so, you're sayin' I add up the atomic masses of the proton and the neutron, right, I see's that, but what do I do with the goddamn electron? Can I bring it over here?
Jamaal: Enrico Fermi'd roll over in his motherfucking grave if he heard that stupid shit. I mean, he'd just turn over ass up in your face. He wouldn't give a fuck!
Lee: Hey, Jamaal, man, just cut my man some slack, dog.
Jamaal: Look here, man, I'm just tryin' to help him save face, all right? I mean, you know, he keep askin' questions like that, motherfuckers gonna think he's stupid!
Shonte Jr.: I ain't stupid.
Jamaal: Aw, shit, man.
Charlie: Mornin', fellas.
Lee: Oh, hey, Dad.
Jamaal: Hey, Pops, how you doin', man?
Charlie: What's all the commotion down here?
Jamaal: Oh, you know, just school shit and shit.
Charlie: How's my little guy doing?
Shonte Jr.: Struggling. This quantum physics is confusing. If I don't buckle down, I'm gonna get myself another B-plus.
Charlie: Ooh, that'd be whack.
Lee: Man, he so fuckin' dumb, he think calculus is a goddamn emperor.
Jamaal: [bumping fists] Give it up, dog.
Shonte Jr.: Yeah, well, you think polypeptide's a motherfuckin' toothpaste!
Airport: Sir, you can't go in there!
Lloyd: It's OK, I'm a limo driver!
Joel: Is there any risk of brain damage?
Howard: Well, technically speaking, the operation is brain damage, but it's on a par with a night of heavy drinking. Nothing you'll miss.
Stanley: [opens the door] Hi, Lieutenant. This isn't a good time right now, so...
[Kellaway enters]
Stanley: Won't you come in?
Lieutenant: Where were you last night, Ipkiss?
Stanley: Here, mostly. Is something wrong?
Lieutenant: What do you know about this Mask character?
Stanley: [chuckles] Mask?
Lieutenant: Don't insult my intelligence, Ipkiss. He robs the bank you work in and then I find this in the Coco Bongo.
[shows Stanley a piece of his pajamas]
Lieutenant: There can't be 2 idiots with pajamas like these.
[Milo is trying to open the door to the closet where the money is stashed away]
Stanley: Milo, no!
Lieutenant: May I see those pajamas, Mr. Ipkiss?
Stanley: Those, uh, those pajamas were, uh... stolen.
Lieutenant: Somebody stole your pajamas?
Stanley: [grabs Milo] Yeah. I mean, what is the city coming to when a man's pajama drawer is no longer safe?
Joel: I could die right now, Clem. I'm just... happy. I've never felt that before. I'm just exactly where I want to be.
Maggie: Stanley, you are the nicest guy. Really, you are.
Stanley: Yeah?
Maggie: Charlie, isn't Stanley the nicest guy?
Charlie: The best.
[Maggie walks off]
Charlie: That was THE most sickening display I've ever seen.
Stanley: I disagree. I think I'm wearing her down.
The: I'm all toasty inside. And I'm leaking.
Mr. Kim: Who the hell are you?
Colonel: We're the good guys.
Narrator: And the more the Grinch thought of what Christmas would bring, the more the Grinch thought...
The: I must stop this whole thing!
The: Why, for year after year I've put up with it now. I must stop this Christmas from coming... but how? I MEAN... in what way?
The: I am the Grinch that stole Christmas... and I'm sorry.
[long silence]
The: Aren't you going to cuff me? Put me in a choke hold? Blind me with pepper spray?
Mayor: You heard him, Officer. He admitted it. I'd go with the pepper spray.
Officer: Yes, I heard him all right. He said he was sorry.
Ace: This is double-paned sound-proof glass. There is no way that neighbor could've heard Roger Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut. The scream she heard came from inside the apartment before he was thrown over the balcony and the murderer closed the door before he left. Yes. Yes. Oh, yeah. Can ya feel that, buddy? Huh? Huh? Huh?
[mimics Tangina character from Poltergeist movie]
Ace: I have exorcised the demons... this house is clear.
Truman: The early bird gathers no moss! The rolling stone catches the worm!
Bruce: [chuckles] This is hilarious. So you're the boss and the electrician and the janitor. Must be a killer Christmas party. Don't get drunk, though. One of you might need a ride home.
God: [Bruce laughs followed by him laughing] You always were funny, Bruce. Just like your father. He didn't mind rolling up his sleeves either, son. People underestimate the benefit of good old manual labor. There's freedom in it. Some of the happiest people in the world go home smelling to high heaven at the end of the day.
Mask: [about to attack the mechanics who cheated him earlier] Hold on to your lugnuts, it's tiiiiime for an overhaul!
Carl: I can't believe I tripped like that.
[repeated line]
The: S-ssss-ssss-sssss-smokin'!
Clementine: Joely?
Joel: Yeah Tangerine?
Clementine: Am I ugly?
Joel: Uh-uh.
Clementine: When I was a kid, I thought I was. I can't believe I'm crying already. Sometimes I think people don't understand how lonely it is to be a kid, like you don't matter. So, I'm eight, and I have these toys, these dolls. My favorite is this ugly girl doll who I call Clementine, and I keep yelling at her, "You can't be ugly! Be pretty!" It's weird, like if I can transform her, I would magically change, too.
Joel: [kisses Clementine] You're pretty.
Clementine: Joely, don't ever leave me.
Joel: You're pretty... you're pretty... pretty...
Mr. Dickey: Ipkiss, we have a crisis on our hands here and you stroll in over an hour late? If I have to put up with your slovenly behavior...
Stanley: BACK OFF, Monkey Boy, before I tell your daddy you're running this place like it's your own personal piggy bank. Or maybe we should call the IRS, and see if we can arrange a little vacation for you at Club FED!
Mr. Dickey: [shocked from being told off by his employee] That'll be all, Ipkiss.
Bruce: Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey. Time for you to go home, little buddy.
Hank: Vagiclean, huh? What's the matter, honey? Little extra cheese on the taco?
Mrs. Bittman: Excuse me?
Hank: No, excuse me. There's no tag on this.
[grabs microphone]
Hank: Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough.
Clementine: You don't tell me things, Joel. I'm an open book. I tell you everything... every damn embarrassing thing. You don't trust me.
Joel: Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating.
Clementine: I don't do that. I want to know you.
[angry]
Clementine: I don't constantly talk! Jesus! People have to share things, Joel...
Joel: Mmmhhmmm...
Clementine: That's what intimacy is. I'm really pissed that you said that to me!
Joel: I'm sorry... I just, my life isn't that interesting.
Clementine: I want to read some of those journals you're constantly scribbling in. What do you write in there if you don't have any thoughts or passions or... love?
Sexy: [after Ace has returned her dog] Thank you Mr. Ventura. How can I ever repay you?
Ace: Well, a reward would be good. There is some damage to my car. It's a high performance machine, so I have to fill it with premium...
[she cuts him off with a deep kiss]
Sexy: Wouldn't you like me to take your pants off instead?
Ace: [Pretends as if it's a tough choice] Gee, let me think. Um, sure!
Knuckles: [about to crush Sonic with a boulder] Say goodbye, hedgehog!
[Sonic panics as he eyes on Robotnik getting his hands on the Emerald]
Sonic: Knuckles, stop! Robotnik's stealing the Emerald!
Knuckles: What kind of fool do you take me for?
Sonic: Just look!
[Knuckles does so]
Dr. Ivo Robotnik: Mine!
Knuckles: [stops him] WAIT! That wasn't the deal!
Dr. Ivo Robotnik: [sarcastically] Oh! You poor naive creature. It's not your fault. A more advanced intellect would've seen this move coming a mile away. Or 1.6 kilometers.
Knuckles: But I trusted you! You were my friend!
[Robotnik laughs manically for a moment]
Dr. Ivo Robotnik: I'm sorry, that just hit me funny. Let this be my final lesson to you, you dimwitted celestial skintag. Friends are open, honest and vulnerable with each other, which means X square times the hypotenuse of Y square divided by the absolute power of friendship equals... DOOKIE!
Sonic: [looks on with dread] Oh, no!
[Robotnik lays his hands on the Emerald blasting away both Sonic and Knuckles]
Dr. Ivo Robotnik: CHAOS... IS... POWER!
[Robotnik disappears with the Emerald causing the whole temple to crumble in ruins]
God: [walking across the lake with Bruce] There are only 2 rules. You can't tell anybody you're God, believe me you don't want that kind of attention, and you can't mess with free will.
Bruce: Can I ask why?
God: Yes, you can! That's the beauty of it!
Joel: Mierzwiak! Please let me keep this memory, just this one.
Marlon: Where the hell's Fiji? Near Florida?
Truman: [pointing to golf ball] See here?
Marlon: Yeah.
Truman: This is us...
[guides finger halfway around ball]
Truman: and all the way around here... FIJI. You can't get any further away before you start coming back.
Clementine: I wish you'd stayed.
Joel: I wish I'd stayed, too. NOW I wish I'd stayed. I wish I'd done a lot of things. I wish I'd... I wish I'd stayed... I do.
Cindy: Thanks for saving me.
The: [stops in his tracks] Saving you, is that what you think I was doing? Wrongo. I just noticed that you were improperly packaged, my dear.
[grabs wrapping paper and starts wrapping Cindy up]
The: Hold still.
[to Max]
The: Max, pick out a bow.
[to Cindy]
The: Can I use your finger for a sec?
The: For if knowledge is power, then a god am... I!
[pauses]
The: Was that over the top? I can never tell.
Charlie: Well, we can't be calling you Milky if your comin' with us, so what's your name?
Whitey: Casper, but my friends call me Whitey.
Charlie: Uh, okay.
Batman: I see without seeing. To me, darkness is as clear as daylight. What am I?
The: Please! You're as blind as a bat!
Batman: Exactly.
[throws a batarang at his throne]
Truman Burbank: It was Dad. I swear! Dressed like a homeless man. And you know what else was strange? A business man and a woman with a little dog came out of nowhere and forced him onto a bus.
Truman's: Well! It's about time they cleaned up the trash downtown before we become just like the rest of the country.
The: [a bomb has just exploded inside the Mask, leading to a fiery belch; Italian accent] That's a spicy meatball!
Bruce: [revving his car] Come on, come on... Start!
[slams his hands against the steering wheel, the car starts; stunned]
Bruce: That was luck.
Mr. Finkle: What do you know about Ray Finkle?
[Ace sucks in a huge breath of air]
Ace: Soccer style kicker graduated from Collier High June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA Division One records, one for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname "The Mule," the first and only pro-athlete ever to come out of Collier County and one hell of a model American.
Mr. Finkle: Are you another one of those "Hard Copy" guys?
Ace: No sir, I'm just a very big Finkle fan. This is my Graceland, sir.
Hank: You know, I think you're a very special unit.
Irene P. Waters: That's sweet.
Hank: I hope we get to know each other better.
Irene P. Waters: Yeah, me too.
Hank: Do you swallow?
Harry: I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.
Lloyd: I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit, man.
Tina: [during her visit to Stanley's prison cell] Thanks.
Stanley: For what?
Tina: Lots of things. Sharing the sunset with me. For being the only guy whose ever treated me like a person and not some sort of party favor. For being any kind of romantic. Even a hopeless one.
Stanley: [sadly] You're welcome.
Tina: You know that night at the club? I knew I'd found someone special.
Stanley: [rolls his eyes] The Mask.
Tina: No, it was the guy inside the mask. It was you all along. You, Stanley Ip... kiss.
[They lean in to kiss but the guard interrupts them]
[Charlie takes his medication at the Massena Police Station]
Irene P. Waters: What are those for?
Charlie: Oh! It's just this stupid thing. I have to take a pill every six hours or I feel... funny. No big deal.
Irene P. Waters: What's it called?
Charlie: Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage.
The: [singing] Be it ever so heinous, there's no place like home.
The: [Takes back his mask and barks at Cindy Lou] Give me that! Don't you know you're not suppose to take things that don't belong to you? What's the matter with you, you some kind of wild animal? Huh?
Bruce: [Grace is sitting on the sofa, putting together a photo album. She hears Bruce singing from outside the door] What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us? Just a stranger on a bus, tryin' to make his way...
[She opens the door, and sees Bruce standing there]
Bruce: hoooooooooome!
Grace: [surprised] Oh my God.
Bruce: You can call me Bruce.
Grace: What happened to you? You seem so-
[He interrupts her with a kiss]
Grace: happy.
Bruce: Why shouldn't I be? On a night like this.
[He presents her with some flowers]
Grace: Ooooh... those are amazing! What are these?
Bruce: They're a new breed. Cross-pollination between tulips and daisies. I call them... tudaisies.
Grace: Okay...
[She walks away to get a vase. Once she's gone, Bruce magically closes the door with his powers. He follows her to the kitchen and strikes a flirtatious pose in the doorway]
Grace: Honey, these flowers are really beautiful. But last night...
Bruce: Last night I was only human.
[He backs away seductively]
Bruce: Barry, help me out here.
[the stereo magically turns on to Barry White's Never Never Gonna Give You Up]
Harry: What's her last name? I'll look it up.
Lloyd: You know, I don't really recall. Starts with an S! Let's see. Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson?
Harry: Maybe it's on the briefcase.
Lloyd: Oh, yeah! It's right here.
[He reads the manufacturer's name, which is Samsonite]
Lloyd: Samsonite! I was way off! I knew it started with an S, though.
Ace: [bending over and talking from his behind] Excuse me. I'd like to "ass" you a few questions.
Emilio: This is not the time, Ace. If Einhorn come down here and sees me talking to you or your ass, I'm history.
Lloyd: That's a lovely accent you have. New Jersey?
Bus: Austria.
Lloyd: Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!
Bus: Let's not.
[Ace Ventura is trying to get his car started, while looking at somebody smashing it with a bat in his mirror]
Ace: Warning. Assholes are closer than they appear.
Bruce: [being overwhelmed with hearing prayers] Give me a break!
God: [Bruce is instantly transported to meet with him] Really something, isn't it?
Bruce: Is this heaven?
God: No, this is Mount Everest. You should flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time. But I guess you can't now, being dead and all.
Bruce: [after a pause] I'm DEAD?
God: Naw, I'm just messing with ya.
Bruce: That's not funny, Man! That is NOT funny.
Charlie: I'm not leaving till the morning, but you know the rules when I go: no bitches after eleven.
Joel: I think your name is magical.
Bruce: [jokingly] Yes, behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes, folks!
[Ace sees Lieutenant Einhorn approaching]
Ace: Holy testicle Tuesday.
Lois: What the hell is he doing here?
Ace: I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
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