Top 30 Quotes From Katy Mixon

Victoria: [Smiling] Hey, Mike. If I blaze up, are you gonna get all piggly wiggly on me?
Mike: You know, Victoria. You don't need to get wasted to have a good time.
Victoria: [Her smile drops and she looks completely confused] What are you talking about?
Mike: I'm just saying that a person doesn't need drugs or alcohol to enjoy themselves.
Victoria: [Still confused, she looks at him as if he's speaking another language] I'm not following you.

Molly: Look, I have no interest in pouring hot wax on my lady business and ripping all the hair out.
Victoria: Eighteen months, four days, five hours, sweetie. I can have that wax heated up lickity split.
Joyce: And then he can get at it lickity split.
Molly: All right, maybe a little off the sides. But we should probably have a safe word.
Joyce: Well, I always just scream 'Ouch, my hoo ha!'

Kenny: You came.
April: Yeah, I heard it on the radio.
Kenny: So does this mean...?
April: Yes.
Kenny: I just want you to know that I've been thinking a lot about what happened at the cook-out.
April: Can we talk about it later when everyone is not around?
Kenny: It was just that we were there, and then we were touching each other, and then I saw those tits and I started feeling your ass, and then i just started breathing heavy and i almost got a headache, and then my vision started to go all colorful... Then I just came in my pants.
April: Ok...
April: But I won't do that again.
Baseball: Hey, can we finish this or you just gonna yakkity yak with tits and legs over there?
Kenny: Hey! She's more that just a pair of tits with legs, Mackworthy!

Walter: You're going to Villain-Con, aren't ya?
Bob the Minion: Villain-Con!
Tina: [shows Kevin her magazine] I'm going to get all of my favorite villains to sign my magazine! Scarlet Overkill! If I was a minion, that's who'd I want to work for!

Victoria: So, why wouldn't you want to go to the wedding and show that ex-husband of yours what you were able to do without him?
Peggy: Oh, I wouldn't dream of using the kid's special day to grind a twenty year old ax.
Victoria: If it was me, I would be rolling up to that wedding with my hair done, a face full of makeup, and a dress short enough to show off those legs, which have held up very nicely.
Peggy: Well, I square dance and do water aerobics.
Victoria: It shows. I'd kill for those legs. But I did get lucky in the boob department.
Peggy: Yes you did, they are high and ample.
Victoria: Hey, if you change your mind and you do decide to go to the wedding, I would be happy to do your makeup for you.
Peggy: Eh, I don't think so.
Victoria: Found this great new lipstick. If it can give a dead person kissable lips, imagine what it can do for you. Later, Jimbo.
Peggy: [after she's gone] She's not wrong about my sticks. At the public pool, people used to mistake me for Ann Margaret.

Mike: This is just so weird. I have never seen Molly act like this.
Victoria: Mom, maybe you should tell him.
Mike: Tell me what?
Joyce: Nothing. Shouldn't jump to conclusions.
Mike: Joyce, what's going on?
Joyce: Oh boy, I don't know how to say it.
Mike: Well, just say it.
Joyce: There's a history of mental illness in our family.
Officer: [slightly shocked] Wow.
Joyce: Nothing bad, just barking, eating your own hair.
Victoria: Holding an imaginary baby.
Officer: [even more shocked] Wow.
Mike: Now hang on, let's not go to crazy to fast. I mean, all she did was flip out in front a bunch of nine year olds, climb out a window, walk six miles in the rain...
Mike: [resigned, realizing how it sounds] Wow!

Molly: [talking to Vince, Joyce and Victoria] Somebody has to go out there and talk to Mike's mom.
Victoria: I'll do it.
Molly: [slight pause] Weird thing is, you were my first choice.

Kenny: I just wanted to tell you that this is probably the best day of my life. I just thought you should know that before we go any further.
April: Thank you, Kenny. I'm happy too.
Kenny: Okay, now get naked.

April: I'm just not ready to take that risk... of my life... on that gamble.
Kenny: What the fuck does that even mean?
Kenny: The risk... of... the life... with the gamble - -what?
April: I'm not ready to risk my life on a gamble!

Molly: [Molly's drunk and irritated about Joyce leaving the house to Victoria] I just want you to know that I'm okay with Mom's decision.
Victoria: Well thank you, so am I.
Molly: Because I get it now, and it's not your fault that you're the screw up.
Victoria: [insulted] Excuse me?
Molly: I mean, I think I was a tough act to follow. I know that couldn't have been easy and maybe that's why you're easy.
Molly: [singing] Easy like Sunday morning.
Mike: All right, okay my little songbird.
[tries to direct her upstairs]
Molly: I just wanted to tell her I know why Mom did what she did.
Mike: Oh boy.
Victoria: [irritated] And why is that?
Molly: Don't make me say it. All right, I'm gonna say it.
Mike: Oh God.
[sits on the stairs]
Molly: Because I'm the good daughter, and you're... the mess.
Victoria: I see. So, I'm the screw up?
Molly: Only in Mom's eyes.
Victoria: You know, it's just a little confusing. Because I'm not the daughter who quit her job. Or has a mountain of credit card debt because of a shopping addiction.
Molly: [to Mike] Are you listening to this?
Mike: I lived it.
Victoria: And you know what? For your information, all my credit cards are paid off. And I have enough money to put a down payment on any house in this neighborhood. Even if I wasn't already getting one. And, at the moment, I am sober and you're the mess.
[makes her way toward the stairs]
Molly: Hold on a minute!
Molly: [Victoria stops and turns around] Are you saying you don't have any credit card debt, like any?
Victoria: Never have, never will. So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going upstairs and see how my stocks did today.
[goes up the stairs]
Molly: Do we have any stocks?
[Mike shakes his head]

Officer: [Making wedding plans] I'm thinkin' next spring, sunset, Lincoln Park when the azaleas are in bloom.
Samuel: But, with an indoor option in case of inclement weather.
Victoria: Or rain.

Victoria: [dressed as a three breasted, three eyed alien for Halloween] Do I look like I'm from outer space?
Vince: [eyeing her chest with wonder] Whoa. Manny, Moe, and Jack!
Victoria: Can you tell which one's the fake one?
Vince: No. And I'm really looking.
Joyce: [swats his shoulder] Baby, you sure you're ready for a night of guys eyeballing your honkers?
Victoria: Business as usual, really. But now I get to say 'Hey. My three eyes are up here'.
Vince: Oh, look at that, you do have three eyes!
Joyce: [doorbell rings] Vince. Get the door.
Vince: [muttering while walking past Victoria] I'm gonna have to sleep on my back tonight.

Mike: Hold on. Now you're telling me you believe in Bigfoot?
Victoria: I didn't used to. Until I saw him running away from our campsite with a can of Pringles and a bag of weed.
Mike: I see. So, Bigfoot stole marijuana from you.
Victoria: That's messed up, right?
Mike: Totally uncool, yeah.
Victoria: What is camping without weed? I'll tell you what it is. It's just sleeping outside.
Mike: You know, that's actually very true.
Victoria: So, yes. I do believe in Bigfoot. And, yes. I think he's a total jerk.

Victoria: You know, when I first graduated from cosmetology school, there were no jobs anywhere. And I thought, oh my God, I just wasted three weeks of my life.

Samuel: So, how did you find work?
Victoria: Two words. Right place, right time.

Molly: [after being jostled a little] Hey, do you have a problem?
Isabelle: Oh, you mean other then the loud, obnoxious drunks at the next table?
Victoria: We're sorry, we didn't hear them, we were singing.
Isabelle: Wow, this one's drunk AND stupid.
Joyce: You better watch your mouth, Sasquatch.
Molly: Take it easy, mom.
Isabelle: Oh, you're her mother? How did that
[indicating Molly]
Isabelle: come out of that?
[indicating Joyce]
Joyce: Say that again, I'll kick you in the balls!

Victoria: I know this is weird coming from your stoner sister, but you've got a problem.

Kenny: What can I do to make you happy now? Let's try and see: I can't invite your friends to a fucking party because that's not enough; I can't sing a fucking song with you 'cause that's not enough; I can't buy fucking luxuries and fancy cars and expensive fur coats and fine jewelry and chinas! That's not enough either! None of it's fucking enough! What do you want? huh? You want me to quit my fucking job? Go back to being your little bitch boy? Well it's not happening! If anyone wants to take my television job they'll have to do it over my dead fucking body!
April: I think you need to leave.
Kenny: No. I'm the one who...
April: No! You need to get out. Get out.
Kenny: May... Let's maybe we could just take it down a notch.

April: Kenny, what are you doing in my bedroom?
Kenny: What, you mean besides creeping around here like a rapist?

Joyce: Just so you know, I've had exactly two glasses of wine.
Molly: Those aren't glasses, they're aquariums with stems!
Joyce: Hey, if it wasn't for the wine the two of you wouldn't even be here.
Molly: Yeah, with the way you drink, I should have fifteen sisters!
Victoria: Don't worry Molly, you'd still be the smart one!
[knocks the lamp off the end table yet again]
Victoria: Why do we even have a lamp there?

Victoria: So, it turns out the lady mortician is a lesbian, but I'm apparently not her type.
Joyce: How'd you find that out?
Victoria: I asked her if she's a lesbian, and she said yes. Then I asked her if I was her type, and she said no.

Victoria: [High after smoking a joint] Has it been a long time since I've talked?

Joyce: Where the hell have you been, Romeo? You gotta put the screens and clean out the gutters!
Mike: You gotta be kidding. I was up half the night with a colicky Carl. I had to keep driving him around the block until he fell asleep.
Victoria: Quit whining. I haven't even been to bed yet and my buzz wore off about forty minutes ago.
Vince: If you're jonesing, try hoofing the pine cleaner. I'm seeing double and I can't hear anything out of my left ear.
Joyce: I sure am hearing a lot of bitching from a lot of people that live in MY house for free!
Mike: [slight pause] The lady makes a very good point.

Victoria: Pee-Yew! Something smells like dried rhino penis.

Mike: What are you watching?
Victoria: A very informative documentary on UFO's and extraterrestrials.
Mike: Yeah, but, you don't actually believe that we've been visited by aliens, do ya?
Victoria: [Gives him a look] Yes, I do. And they're not just visiting.
[Softly]
Victoria: They're here.
Mike: Really.
Victoria: [Dead serious] Haven't you ever been in a conversation with somebody and the whole time you're thinking, wow... this person's from another planet?
Mike: [Looks her straight in the eye for a long moment] Yes.

Officer: [after splitting up] I'm getting my stuff.
Victoria: Oh, sure, be a baby, you big baby. Want help changing your diaper?
Officer: Oh no, don't you go getting all sexy on me!

Victoria: [Standing at the kitchen window watching Mike and Vince working to restore and old boat outside] There's something about men and boats. Well... not those men and not that boat, but... you know what I'm saying.

Joyce: No hotdogs. And no pancakes. You're not eating this stress away. We're going to my yoga class.
Molly: The hell I am! Me in a leotard surrounded by skinny, bendy women. I'd rather kill us all.
Victoria: I'm scared! Make her a hotdog, Mom.

Molly: "Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm getting married in three months and I got squat."
[Flips pages]
Molly: I don't remember writing any of this.
Victoria: Did I dream this or were you in the backyard last night drunk and throwing a knife at a tree?
Molly: [Makes funny face] No, I don't think so, Snoop Dogg.

Vince: I hope you're happy, you've torn this family apart!
Mike: She didn't co-operate! All you had to do was answer the question 'Did you drink tonight?'!
Victoria: Well, that's a pretty loaded question cause you know, she was probably loaded.
Joyce: I was not!
Vince: That's not perjury, she's not under oath.
Joyce: How come everybody's assuming I was tanked?
Molly: Come on, mom, it was after six.