Top 20 Quotes From Vince

Vince: I tell you, Joyce, I'm really starting to get the hang of this yoga malarkey. If I get any more limber, I won't need you any more.
Joyce: Hey, cowboy, if you can do it, do it. That cuts my workload in half.

Peggy: My friend died.
Vince: You had a friend?

Joyce: [the team Mike and Vince bet on aren't doing so hot and Joyce comes into the room] I made you boys sandwiches.
Vince: Get out, you jinx!
Joyce: Well, if you want them later, they'll be in the garbage!
Mike: Ah, damn it! How did he miss that shot?
Vince: I blame Joyce. Her juju was still in the room.
Joyce: Well, you won't see my juju, my ta-tas. or my boom-boom for quite a while.

Molly: Quit ringing the bell, Quasimodo.
Vince: I was kind of hoping for Mike. I want him to turn me on my side cause I need to break wind.
Molly: Do you have any boundaries at all?

Mike: [Vince is on the couch, naked under a blanket] Are we having soup?
Molly: No, it's for Baby Bear and you're feeding him, Papa.
Mike: I just walked in the door!
Molly: Hey, wanna know what I found when I walked in the door?
Molly: [lifts Vince's blanket] That! Naked and wet in the bathtub! Look at it!
[Mike turns away, disgusted]
Molly: Look at it! Look at it!
Vince: For God's sake, I'm a human being!
Molly: Let's take a hair sample and see what a biologist has to say about it!

Vince: [trying to drag Vince across the floor] Be careful, I'm in agony here.
Molly: Oh, really? Cause I'm having the time of my life!
Vince: This would be a lot easier if you oiled my fanny.
Molly: For the third time, NO!

Mike: Oh, what happened?
Vince: I threw my back out.
Molly: That's what you get for doing it on the floor.
Joyce: We weren't doing it on the floor. We're not animals.
Vince: Yeah, we were doing it in reverse, prairie dog style and I slipped on a strawberry.
Mike: That's what happened to the strawberries.

Vince: Listen, it was a long time ago and I got swept up in the whole May-December romance. Who knew she'd turn into such a vindictive ball breaker?
Mike: What happened the last time you tried to get her to sign the papers?
Vince: She kicked me in the nuts. What part of ball breaker don't you understand?

Peggy: [Mike and Molly are on the porch listening to Peggy yelling at Vince] All the boy wanted to do was go fishing. It may not seem important to you but it was important to him!
Vince: [Intimidated] I know that now, you made that very clear.
Peggy: Do you have any idea how hard it is to be both mother and father to him? I had to teach him how to shave and slow dance!
[shoves him onto the couch]
Vince: You did a remarkable job with both those things.
Molly: [Peggy keeps yelling at Vince] Do you think we should jump in there?
Mike: Well, she drove all the way over here.
[they sit down to watch through the window]
Vince: I don't know, I never had kids.
Peggy: That you know of. And if you did, they'd be swimming around in the shallow end of the gene pool!
Molly: [Peggy keeps ranting at Vince but obviously has her ex husband in mind] You know what, you'd think she was pretty entertaining when she's not yelling at me.
Vince: Mother Biggs, all I did was sell a boat.
Peggy: This has nothing to do with the boat, this is between you and me.
Vince: I think you might be projecting now.
Peggy: Oh, I'm gonna project you through that glass cabinet!
Mike: Okay, it's getting violent. We should get in there.
Molly: No, no, no, Mike, it's just getting good!
Peggy: I'm gonna rip the last five hairs out of your head!
[grabs his head and starts getting rough]
Molly: Get him!
[laughs]

Vince: Oh boy, Chinese. Is there any slippery shrimp?
Molly: Just you.

Joyce: I'm sorry, I was under the impression that you wanted to marry me!
Vince: What I want you to do is shove a fistful of stuffing up a turkey's ass and toss it in the oven!
Joyce: Well hand me a loaf of rye bread and bend over!

Mike: [Asking Vince about his new job as a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman] Rough day out there today?
Vince: I got more doors slammed in my face than a Jehovah's Witness with a cold sore.

Francine: [rings his ex wife's doorbell] Who the hell is it?
Vince: Look through the peephole, you bug eyed bitch!
Francine: [opens door and it's an elderly woman] Brought your goons, huh Muranto?
Mike: How old is she?
Vince: I told you, it was May-December. I'm the May.
Officer: Yeah, but she's not December, she's the following July!

Vince: Threats and ultimatums are the glue of love. Without it, we're no better than animals.

Joyce: Where the hell have you been, Romeo? You gotta put the screens and clean out the gutters!
Mike: You gotta be kidding. I was up half the night with a colicky Carl. I had to keep driving him around the block until he fell asleep.
Victoria: Quit whining. I haven't even been to bed yet and my buzz wore off about forty minutes ago.
Vince: If you're jonesing, try hoofing the pine cleaner. I'm seeing double and I can't hear anything out of my left ear.
Joyce: I sure am hearing a lot of bitching from a lot of people that live in MY house for free!
Mike: [slight pause] The lady makes a very good point.

Mike: Look, I'm sorry things went wrong between you two, but maybe you should sign the papers so you can get on with the rest of your life.
Vince: What's left of it.
Mike: Vince!
[to Francine]
Mike: What do you say?
Francine: Same thing I've been saying for the last fifteen years. I'm not signing anything 'til he pays me the ten grand he owes me.
Mike: You owe her ten grand?
Vince: I borrowed two and she's been doubling the vig annually for fifteen years, which is a nice way to treat your husband.
Francine: You took my youth!
Vince: I never saw your youth! The man who took your youth was wearing a powdered wig!

Vince: I hope you're happy, you've torn this family apart!
Mike: She didn't co-operate! All you had to do was answer the question 'Did you drink tonight?'!
Victoria: Well, that's a pretty loaded question cause you know, she was probably loaded.
Joyce: I was not!
Vince: That's not perjury, she's not under oath.
Joyce: How come everybody's assuming I was tanked?
Molly: Come on, mom, it was after six.

Vince: [getting into bed with an extremely sick and feverish Mike] Okay, don't sneeze on me, cough on me, or fart on my leg.
Mike: Molly?

Joyce: [Vince & Joyce have been enjoying lots of Rosemary's delicious cooking. Joyce grabs Vince's arm] Rosemary, I know this is sudden, but will you marry us?
Vince: I'd get down on one knee, but at this point, I don't think I'd be able to get back up again.
Rosemary: That's flattering, but the only threesome I know that ever worked is the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.
Victoria: Let's agree to disagree.

Vince: What have you got against Paris? It's beautiful. Plus, if you can stomach pit hair on chicks, you can see free boobs on TV.
Officer: You should be a travel agent.