Top 50 Quotes From Mike Biggs

Mike: [after making up] Does this mean I can have my kitchen privileges back?
Joyce: Yes. Mostly because I need you to fix the sink, Molly's credit cards did a number on the disposal.
Mike: [laughs, then serious] But it did shred them, right?
Joyce: Oh yeah.

Mike: So are we still serving him coffee?
Molly: Yeah, sure. Just 'cause he's dead to us doesn't mean we can't be polite.

Francine: [rings his ex wife's doorbell] Who the hell is it?
Vince: Look through the peephole, you bug eyed bitch!
Francine: [opens door and it's an elderly woman] Brought your goons, huh Muranto?
Mike: How old is she?
Vince: I told you, it was May-December. I'm the May.
Officer: Yeah, but she's not December, she's the following July!

Molly: [Standing at the front door with Mike after a movie date] Do you want to come in for a while?
Mike: Uh, that sounds tempting, but I've got an early morning and I don't want to disturb your mom or your sister.
Molly: They're not here. Mom's taking a pole-dancing class at the seniors' centre, and my sister, well, she could be handcuffed to just about anything right now.

Mike: I did it once because I love you, and you're not going to make me do it again, because you love me.

Molly: Eat your fish.
Mike: [Looks at the whole fish on his plate] I don't like my fish this way.
Molly: Oh, nobody does! It's a horror show!
Mike: It should be deep fried and served in a cardboard pirate hat like God intended.

Victoria: [Smiling] Hey, Mike. If I blaze up, are you gonna get all piggly wiggly on me?
Mike: You know, Victoria. You don't need to get wasted to have a good time.
Victoria: [Her smile drops and she looks completely confused] What are you talking about?
Mike: I'm just saying that a person doesn't need drugs or alcohol to enjoy themselves.
Victoria: [Still confused, she looks at him as if he's speaking another language] I'm not following you.

Mike: [Discouraged about dieting] As long as there's pie, I'm not safe.
Molly: No. As long as there's *me*, you are.

[last lines]
Molly: I love you, Mike.
Officer: I love you, Molly.

Mike: The worst thing you could do is fill people with hope!
Molly: Stop quoting your mother's pillows!

Officer: We've had a busy morning, what say we take a break?
Mike: Crime doesn't take breaks.

Molly: We've got the house all to ourselves. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Mike: Order pizza and make prank phone calls?
Molly: Yeah, baby!

Mike: How is my salsa dancing going to help catch crooks?
Samuel: I would imagine a criminal pointing and laughing is easier to apprehend.

Mike: Check this out, large coffee so I don't fall asleep, and this apple, nature's snow cone.
Officer: I thought that was the banana.
Mike: That's nature's burrito. And, if anybody tries snatching my wallet now, they're gonna be taking me with it.

Mike: What do you want from me? He's my father, I can't just cut him out of my life completely.
Peggy: Why not? He wrote the both of us off the minute he walked out that door and followed his boner all the way to Pompano Beach!

Mike: Remember the time we busted that chop shop?
Officer: And we didn't even call for backup.
Mike: Nope, just you, me, six Albanians, and half of a Delorian.

Mike: Ma, why are you like this? You're about to become a grandma, isn't that something even you can enjoy?
Peggy: For how long? Once you get that baby into that house I'll never get to see it again.
Mike: Ma, that's crazy. Why would you even think that?
Peggy: Because I know how I am. I'm a lot to take, Mikey. You don't see it because you're my son.
Peggy: [looks at her with complete amazement that she didn't know he knew, then she says regretfully...] I just know I'll say something awful to your wife's family and then they'll never let me see my grandchild.
Mike: Ma, listen to me. There is nothing you can say, or do, that's going to keep you from that baby.
Peggy: You promise?
Mike: Yes, but please don't take that as a challenge.

Mike: This is just so weird. I have never seen Molly act like this.
Victoria: Mom, maybe you should tell him.
Mike: Tell me what?
Joyce: Nothing. Shouldn't jump to conclusions.
Mike: Joyce, what's going on?
Joyce: Oh boy, I don't know how to say it.
Mike: Well, just say it.
Joyce: There's a history of mental illness in our family.
Officer: [slightly shocked] Wow.
Joyce: Nothing bad, just barking, eating your own hair.
Victoria: Holding an imaginary baby.
Officer: [even more shocked] Wow.
Mike: Now hang on, let's not go to crazy to fast. I mean, all she did was flip out in front a bunch of nine year olds, climb out a window, walk six miles in the rain...
Mike: [resigned, realizing how it sounds] Wow!

Mike: [to another fan at a Cubs game while Molly is crying due to missing her dad] She's a little upset. She thought it was bobble head day.

Mike: You know how I like to take a bite out of crime? Well today, crime took a bite out of me.
[rolls up sleeve and shows teeth marks]
Molly: Oh my God, what happened?
Mike: I chased this purse snatcher, climbed over a barbed wire fence, into this junk yard where we were both bitten by a Doberman Pinscher, soon everybody was biting everybody else.

Mike: Look at me, Carl. It's the 9th inning and I have not had *one* hotdog!
Vendor: You want everything on it, big guy?
Mike: Walk away! Walk away! Walk away!

Joyce: If I'm gonna live clean, you're all gonna live clean!
[stomps on a bag of chips]
Mike: Hey, those are my chips!
Molly: You said Victoria bought them.
Mike: Are we doing this now?
Molly: [Joyce is pouring beers down the drain] Mom, those are mine!
Joyce: And your credit cards are next.
Molly: Mike, go get your taser!

Molly: [They've just become engaged] When did you get this ring?
Officer: About two weeks after I met you.
Officer: [Fighting tears] Look at me. I'm gonna be a best man.

Mike: She was showing off and speaking in different languages.
Grandma: You mean in tongues like the Pentecostals?
Mike: No, like French and German and Shakespeare.
Grandma: Oh good, 'cuz I've been to a tent revival and that mess will put you off Jesus!

Mike: [at a restaurant] How's your snapper?
Molly: [loopy on cold medicine] Fine. How's your penis?

Molly: Let's go to bed.
Mike: Alright. But, we're not gonna have sex *every* night. You okay with that?
Molly: No. You're puttin' out.

Mike: [At the opera with Molly] God, where is John Wilkes Booth when you need him?

Vince: [getting into bed with an extremely sick and feverish Mike] Okay, don't sneeze on me, cough on me, or fart on my leg.
Mike: Molly?

Kevin: [Joyce is singing along to Slow Ride on the jukebox] We get it lady, you're drunk. Keep it down.
Joyce: Excuse me, I'm not drunk. This is club soda.
Kevin: So you're just loud and obnoxious?
Joyce: [Proudly] Yes!
Kevin: Clam up, lady!
Mike: Hey, watch yourself, now that's my mother in law you're talking to. I suggest you stand over there if we're bothering you so much.
Kevin: I got a better idea. Why don't you and I step outside?
Mike: Listen, nobody's looking for trouble tonight, so...
Joyce: BAR FIGHT!
[knees Kevin in crotch and flattens him with a tray]
Kevin: [chaos erupts with Joyce on Kevin and other patrons fighting each other] My ears! My eyes! No biting!
Joyce: See? This just proves you don't have to drink to have fun!

Grandma: [Trying to get rid of Mike, who has come knocking on her door at night time] Now, if you will excuse me, Brother Heywood stopped by for pie and coffee.
Mike: Oh, what kind of pie?
Grandma: The kind of pie that 2 consenting adults enjoy alone in the privacy of their own home.
Mike: [Referring to missing 2 social outings that evening] Oh, man... I am 2 for 2.
Grandma: [NOT referring to missed social outings] So is Brother Heywood. Good night, Michael.

Peggy: [Mike and Molly are on the porch listening to Peggy yelling at Vince] All the boy wanted to do was go fishing. It may not seem important to you but it was important to him!
Vince: [Intimidated] I know that now, you made that very clear.
Peggy: Do you have any idea how hard it is to be both mother and father to him? I had to teach him how to shave and slow dance!
[shoves him onto the couch]
Vince: You did a remarkable job with both those things.
Molly: [Peggy keeps yelling at Vince] Do you think we should jump in there?
Mike: Well, she drove all the way over here.
[they sit down to watch through the window]
Vince: I don't know, I never had kids.
Peggy: That you know of. And if you did, they'd be swimming around in the shallow end of the gene pool!
Molly: [Peggy keeps ranting at Vince but obviously has her ex husband in mind] You know what, you'd think she was pretty entertaining when she's not yelling at me.
Vince: Mother Biggs, all I did was sell a boat.
Peggy: This has nothing to do with the boat, this is between you and me.
Vince: I think you might be projecting now.
Peggy: Oh, I'm gonna project you through that glass cabinet!
Mike: Okay, it's getting violent. We should get in there.
Molly: No, no, no, Mike, it's just getting good!
Peggy: I'm gonna rip the last five hairs out of your head!
[grabs his head and starts getting rough]
Molly: Get him!
[laughs]

Mike: Joyce, do you mind if I ask you a personal question?
Joyce: 17, high school gym teacher.
Mike: What?
Joyce: What?

Molly: Leaving just seemed like the right thing to do.
Mike: Through the window?
Molly: You know, anybody can leave through a door.

Mike: I was kinda in the zone. Every time I opened my mouth, something charming fell out.

Mike: [Vince is on the couch, naked under a blanket] Are we having soup?
Molly: No, it's for Baby Bear and you're feeding him, Papa.
Mike: I just walked in the door!
Molly: Hey, wanna know what I found when I walked in the door?
Molly: [lifts Vince's blanket] That! Naked and wet in the bathtub! Look at it!
[Mike turns away, disgusted]
Molly: Look at it! Look at it!
Vince: For God's sake, I'm a human being!
Molly: Let's take a hair sample and see what a biologist has to say about it!

Mike: I'm alright, Nana. How are you?
Grandma: Oh, I'm right with my savior and tight with my bookie!

Mike: Carl, you're my best friend in the world, but you're a hot head and a loud mouth.
Officer: That's just when we have to play good cop, bad cop.
Mike: It's actually more
[placing his hand on his chest]
Mike: embarrassed cop, and
[waving his hand towards Carl]
Mike: source of embarrassment cop.

Mike: Hold on. Now you're telling me you believe in Bigfoot?
Victoria: I didn't used to. Until I saw him running away from our campsite with a can of Pringles and a bag of weed.
Mike: I see. So, Bigfoot stole marijuana from you.
Victoria: That's messed up, right?
Mike: Totally uncool, yeah.
Victoria: What is camping without weed? I'll tell you what it is. It's just sleeping outside.
Mike: You know, that's actually very true.
Victoria: So, yes. I do believe in Bigfoot. And, yes. I think he's a total jerk.

Mike: It's not a man. It's Carl.

Molly: [Referring to Carl having sex in Mike's apartment] How often does this happen?
Mike: I don't know. I gave him the key about four years ago. So, what is that...? Once every four years?

Mike: Look, I'm sorry things went wrong between you two, but maybe you should sign the papers so you can get on with the rest of your life.
Vince: What's left of it.
Mike: Vince!
[to Francine]
Mike: What do you say?
Francine: Same thing I've been saying for the last fifteen years. I'm not signing anything 'til he pays me the ten grand he owes me.
Mike: You owe her ten grand?
Vince: I borrowed two and she's been doubling the vig annually for fifteen years, which is a nice way to treat your husband.
Francine: You took my youth!
Vince: I never saw your youth! The man who took your youth was wearing a powdered wig!

Vince: Listen, it was a long time ago and I got swept up in the whole May-December romance. Who knew she'd turn into such a vindictive ball breaker?
Mike: What happened the last time you tried to get her to sign the papers?
Vince: She kicked me in the nuts. What part of ball breaker don't you understand?

Joyce: [the team Mike and Vince bet on aren't doing so hot and Joyce comes into the room] I made you boys sandwiches.
Vince: Get out, you jinx!
Joyce: Well, if you want them later, they'll be in the garbage!
Mike: Ah, damn it! How did he miss that shot?
Vince: I blame Joyce. Her juju was still in the room.
Joyce: Well, you won't see my juju, my ta-tas. or my boom-boom for quite a while.

Mike: I drew the fat straw.
Officer: You sure you drew just one?
Mike: Back off Seely, I am not in the mood.
Officer: All right. Take it easy.
Officer: For your information, my man lost fifty pounds.
Officer: Hey, that's great, Biggs. Thought you went down a cup size.
Officer: [Mike slams his locker shut, obviously irritated] I'm just playing with ya. You look great, just great. In fact, if this was a fair I'd give you a blue ribbon.
Officer: [Mike moves in on him, but Carl intercepts] Mike, don't listen to him. He's not worth it.
[to Seely]
Officer: Just go home.
Officer: I gotta get changed first.
Mike: Yeah, I'm fine, Carl.
Officer: All right.
[to Seely]
Officer: You just keep your mouth shut.
Officer: What? Tell that to your partner. Cause I think that's his problem.
Mike: [punches Seely] Now, now who has a problem?
Officer: You do, man!

Mike: [Asking Vince about his new job as a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman] Rough day out there today?
Vince: I got more doors slammed in my face than a Jehovah's Witness with a cold sore.

Mike: Oh, what happened?
Vince: I threw my back out.
Molly: That's what you get for doing it on the floor.
Joyce: We weren't doing it on the floor. We're not animals.
Vince: Yeah, we were doing it in reverse, prairie dog style and I slipped on a strawberry.
Mike: That's what happened to the strawberries.

Mike: For her it's one night, but Harry's gonna be prepping for days. Going to every big-and-tall shop looking for a shirt that's hip, sexy, and doesn't look like someone's tenting for termites.
Molly: This isn't just about Harry, is it?
Mike: Her name was Betsy Zajko. I was a sophmore and she was a senior. I'd just made third-string center on the football team so I was feeling pretty good about myself.
Molly: Whiskey?
Mike: Please.
[Molly hands a glass to Mike and pours]
Mike: Anyway, the summer before, her boyfriend had been killed in a dirt-bike accident, so she was vulnerable and most of the guys in her league were feeling a little gun-shy.
Molly: Understandable.
Mike: I mustered up the courage to ask her out, and to my amazement, she said, "Yes." I showed up to the dance with a new shirt, corduroy vest, and a pair of my dad's dress khakis.
Molly: Ooh. Hello, sexy.
Mike: Molly, please?
Molly: Sorry.
Mike: Anyway, by the end of the night, Betsy had slow-danced or dry-humped the quarterback, the fullback, pretty much anybody with a varsity letter and an erection.
Molly: Oh, honey.
Mike: Yeah, apparently, I was the warm-up act for the entire team. While they were enjoying the fruits of my labor, I was in the parking lot splitting a meat lover's pizza with the fat tuba player from the marching band.
Molly: Yeah, I've got a similar story. Mine ends with me splitting a bag of White Castle hamburgers with a very grabby equipment manager. He's a she now.
[Clinks glass and whiskey bottle]
Molly: I buy my Mary Kay products from her.
[Refills Mike's glass and takes a swig from the bottle]

Molly: [Molly's drunk and irritated about Joyce leaving the house to Victoria] I just want you to know that I'm okay with Mom's decision.
Victoria: Well thank you, so am I.
Molly: Because I get it now, and it's not your fault that you're the screw up.
Victoria: [insulted] Excuse me?
Molly: I mean, I think I was a tough act to follow. I know that couldn't have been easy and maybe that's why you're easy.
Molly: [singing] Easy like Sunday morning.
Mike: All right, okay my little songbird.
[tries to direct her upstairs]
Molly: I just wanted to tell her I know why Mom did what she did.
Mike: Oh boy.
Victoria: [irritated] And why is that?
Molly: Don't make me say it. All right, I'm gonna say it.
Mike: Oh God.
[sits on the stairs]
Molly: Because I'm the good daughter, and you're... the mess.
Victoria: I see. So, I'm the screw up?
Molly: Only in Mom's eyes.
Victoria: You know, it's just a little confusing. Because I'm not the daughter who quit her job. Or has a mountain of credit card debt because of a shopping addiction.
Molly: [to Mike] Are you listening to this?
Mike: I lived it.
Victoria: And you know what? For your information, all my credit cards are paid off. And I have enough money to put a down payment on any house in this neighborhood. Even if I wasn't already getting one. And, at the moment, I am sober and you're the mess.
[makes her way toward the stairs]
Molly: Hold on a minute!
Molly: [Victoria stops and turns around] Are you saying you don't have any credit card debt, like any?
Victoria: Never have, never will. So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going upstairs and see how my stocks did today.
[goes up the stairs]
Molly: Do we have any stocks?
[Mike shakes his head]

Molly: [Mike is upset that Molly wants him to eat fish for breakfast and give up caffeine, and protests] Well, clearly you know more than a team of Swedish doctors.
Mike: Damn fish-eatin' Swedes! I *knew* they were behind this!

Mike: I'm gonna order lunch. Can I get you anything?
Christina: Get him a spine, in case he was born without one.