Top 20 Quotes From Peggy

[first lines]
Peggy: Here's some hors d'oeuvres. The crackers are low-cal and taste like tree bark, so I doubled up on the spray cheese.

Victoria: So, why wouldn't you want to go to the wedding and show that ex-husband of yours what you were able to do without him?
Peggy: Oh, I wouldn't dream of using the kid's special day to grind a twenty year old ax.
Victoria: If it was me, I would be rolling up to that wedding with my hair done, a face full of makeup, and a dress short enough to show off those legs, which have held up very nicely.
Peggy: Well, I square dance and do water aerobics.
Victoria: It shows. I'd kill for those legs. But I did get lucky in the boob department.
Peggy: Yes you did, they are high and ample.
Victoria: Hey, if you change your mind and you do decide to go to the wedding, I would be happy to do your makeup for you.
Peggy: Eh, I don't think so.
Victoria: Found this great new lipstick. If it can give a dead person kissable lips, imagine what it can do for you. Later, Jimbo.
Peggy: [after she's gone] She's not wrong about my sticks. At the public pool, people used to mistake me for Ann Margaret.

Peggy: Kay has seen every inch of this filthy planet.
Kay: Yeah, there's only one place I wouldn't dare go back to.
Molly: Somalia?
Kay: Florida. Awful place. Mickey Mouse, meth, and mullets. Let the Cubans have it.

Peggy: Art museums. Just a way for perverts to look at nude babies with wings.

Mike: Ma, why are you like this? You're about to become a grandma, isn't that something even you can enjoy?
Peggy: For how long? Once you get that baby into that house I'll never get to see it again.
Mike: Ma, that's crazy. Why would you even think that?
Peggy: Because I know how I am. I'm a lot to take, Mikey. You don't see it because you're my son.
Peggy: [looks at her with complete amazement that she didn't know he knew, then she says regretfully...] I just know I'll say something awful to your wife's family and then they'll never let me see my grandchild.
Mike: Ma, listen to me. There is nothing you can say, or do, that's going to keep you from that baby.
Peggy: You promise?
Mike: Yes, but please don't take that as a challenge.

Peggy: [discussing Molly's breakdown] Welcome to marriage. People change. They get old, they get grumpy, they get ugly as a monkey's butt. But you stay. And you know why? Because you promised Jesus to stick it out. Just remember, marriage is not for the faint of heart. I'll never understand why the gays want it so bad. But who knows? Maybe they'll fix it up like a sketchy neighbourhood.

Peggy: My motto's always been: A little powder, a little paint, makes you something that you ain't.

Molly: You're planning Christmas already. I think that's really adorable.
Peggy: Well, your approval is the reason I get out of bed in the morning.

Kay: You know, I almost drowned in the Amazon. I've even had worms living in my eyeballs, but the worst pain in my ass has been being friends with you.
Peggy: You're no walk in the park. I get you one week every three years. You're like a yeast infection!
Kay: Well, my dear, consider yourself cured.

Mike: Why is it so dark in here?
Peggy: I'm practicing for when I'm dead.
Mike: Ma, don't be that way.
Peggy: Nobody gets out of here alive, Mikey.
Mike: [gives concerned look to Carl]
Officer: She's fine.
Peggy: [brings out ham] Here. Eat it before it rots, a fate that awaits us all.

Peggy: [Mike and Molly are on the porch listening to Peggy yelling at Vince] All the boy wanted to do was go fishing. It may not seem important to you but it was important to him!
Vince: [Intimidated] I know that now, you made that very clear.
Peggy: Do you have any idea how hard it is to be both mother and father to him? I had to teach him how to shave and slow dance!
[shoves him onto the couch]
Vince: You did a remarkable job with both those things.
Molly: [Peggy keeps yelling at Vince] Do you think we should jump in there?
Mike: Well, she drove all the way over here.
[they sit down to watch through the window]
Vince: I don't know, I never had kids.
Peggy: That you know of. And if you did, they'd be swimming around in the shallow end of the gene pool!
Molly: [Peggy keeps ranting at Vince but obviously has her ex husband in mind] You know what, you'd think she was pretty entertaining when she's not yelling at me.
Vince: Mother Biggs, all I did was sell a boat.
Peggy: This has nothing to do with the boat, this is between you and me.
Vince: I think you might be projecting now.
Peggy: Oh, I'm gonna project you through that glass cabinet!
Mike: Okay, it's getting violent. We should get in there.
Molly: No, no, no, Mike, it's just getting good!
Peggy: I'm gonna rip the last five hairs out of your head!
[grabs his head and starts getting rough]
Molly: Get him!
[laughs]

Mike: What do you want from me? He's my father, I can't just cut him out of my life completely.
Peggy: Why not? He wrote the both of us off the minute he walked out that door and followed his boner all the way to Pompano Beach!

Mike: You know what? I give up! Come to my wedding, don't come to my wedding. Do what you want, cause after all, it's your special day!
Peggy: It was! Now you can spend it with your precious daddy, and your step mommy, the prostitute! Hey, maybe you can book her for the bachelor party!

Peggy: My father sent me this trunk just after my mother died.
Molly: Oh, that's sweet.
[Stops Peggy from opening it]
Molly: She's not in here, is she?

Mike: Hey, ma! You feeling better today?
Peggy: I put the potatoes in the oven, and not my head, so there's that.

Peggy: My friend died.
Vince: You had a friend?

Molly: Can I get you something to drink?
Peggy: Three fingers of Canadian whisky with a splash of Tab.
Molly: And if we don't have Canadian whisky?
Peggy: Then forget it... I've got a cough drop in my purse.

Molly: [Peggy is trying to convince Mike and Molly to move in with her, but it's causing a tense situation with Joyce] Ma, please, just stay out of it.
Peggy: Yeah, stick to what you know. Orgies and edible underpants.
Joyce: [menacingly] Keep talking, I'll slap that Polygrip right out of your mouth.

Peggy: [Referring to her mother] After Daddy went to bed, she'd sneak out on the porch, smoke her pipe and just cry.
Molly: Why was she crying?
Peggy: I told you. It was on that farm. We barely scraped by.
[Her voice gets quieter]
Peggy: And when things get really bad, Daddy got angry.
Molly: Angry, how?
Peggy: He started hitting. The walls. The dog.
Molly: You?
Peggy: He tried, but Momma wouldn't let him. So, he turned it all on her.
Molly: [Sadly, softly] Peggy, I had no idea.
Peggy: How could you? No one knew. First chance I had, I lit outta there and never looked back.
Molly: Well, of course, I mean what choice did you have?
Peggy: [Fighting tears, disappointed in herself] I left her there. She protected me all those years, and I just abandoned her.
Molly: I- I'm sure that all your mother ever really wanted was for you to be safe.
Peggy: Who was keeping her safe?
Molly: Well, you were a kid. There was nothing you could do about that.
Peggy: I could have stayed.
Molly: [Both of them fighting tears now] Then you wouldn't have lived the life that you were supposed to live. And I never would have met the strongest woman that I've ever known. Or my amazing husband.
Peggy: [Taking a deep breath] It's always about you.
[They both laugh through their tears]
Peggy: Guess that's why I hold onto Mikey so tight. I don't want to- abandon anyone ever again.
Molly: He knows you're not going anywhere. We've both come to terms with that.
[They laugh and Peggy hugs her close]

Mike: [Peggy is trying to convince Mike and Molly to move in with her, but it's causing a tense situation with Joyce] Ma, please, just stay out of it.
Peggy: Yeah, stick to what you know. Orgies and edible underpants.
Joyce: [menacingly] Keep talking, I'll slap that Polygrip right out of your mouth.