50 Best Molly Flynn Quotes

Molly: Well, let's lift him and get him onto the bed.
Joyce: Wait, wait, he's covered in coconut oil.
Mike: I was wondering why I was craving a Mounds bar.

Mike: So are we still serving him coffee?
Molly: Yeah, sure. Just 'cause he's dead to us doesn't mean we can't be polite.

Molly: [talking to Vince, Joyce and Victoria] Somebody has to go out there and talk to Mike's mom.
Victoria: I'll do it.
Molly: [slight pause] Weird thing is, you were my first choice.

Molly: To be honest, I don't have a very good excuse for what I did.
Mr. Wisney: You don't need a good excuse. You're in a union.

Molly: You're planning Christmas already. I think that's really adorable.
Peggy: Well, your approval is the reason I get out of bed in the morning.

Vince: Oh boy, Chinese. Is there any slippery shrimp?
Molly: Just you.

Mike: [reading the story of Peggy's life that Molly wrote and visibly touched] I had no idea. I thought she was just born mean.
Molly: Did you read the part where she was trembling under the stairs clutching her doll?
Mike: Yes, I did. Very descriptive.
[gets up and grabs his coat]
Molly: Where are you going?
Mike: I'm going to go hug my mom.

Joyce: No hotdogs. And no pancakes. You're not eating this stress away. We're going to my yoga class.
Molly: The hell I am! Me in a leotard surrounded by skinny, bendy women. I'd rather kill us all.
Victoria: I'm scared! Make her a hotdog, Mom.

Mike: The last thing you want to do is get on her bad side.
Molly: Is there a good side?
Mike: Yes, and believe it or not, you're on it. Your tires aren't slashed, no dog turds in the mailbox, and the women in her church don't think you have syphilis.
Molly: Oh, God!
Mike: Why do you think that amazing house across the street from her gets sold every year?
Molly: I thought it was black mold.
Mike: She's the black mold.

Joyce: If I'm gonna live clean, you're all gonna live clean!
[stomps on a bag of chips]
Mike: Hey, those are my chips!
Molly: You said Victoria bought them.
Mike: Are we doing this now?
Molly: [Joyce is pouring beers down the drain] Mom, those are mine!
Joyce: And your credit cards are next.
Molly: Mike, go get your taser!

Mike: The worst thing you could do is fill people with hope!
Molly: Stop quoting your mother's pillows!

Molly: [Peggy is trying to convince Mike and Molly to move in with her, but it's causing a tense situation with Joyce] Ma, please, just stay out of it.
Peggy: Yeah, stick to what you know. Orgies and edible underpants.
Joyce: [menacingly] Keep talking, I'll slap that Polygrip right out of your mouth.

Joyce: [Offering Molly advice on how to deal with a needy man] Well, I try to remember that men are ruled by testosterone, which is essentially a poison. So, when you get that big, loud mouth jabbering in your face, just say to yourself, 'This is a sick individual. He is suffering from semen-brain.'
Molly: Oh, mom... I don't know what I'd do without your folksy wisdom.

Molly: We've got the house all to ourselves. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Mike: Order pizza and make prank phone calls?
Molly: Yeah, baby!

Molly: [Dictating a note to herself after interviewing Carl and his drag queen admirer, Lousette] Movie idea: street-savvy cop and his cross-dressing informant. Oh... "An Officer and His Gentleman"!

Molly: I can't win with you! I borrow money from you, I'm wrong. I try to pay you back, I'm wrong.
Joyce: Here we go again.
Molly: I have never tried to pay you back before!
Joyce: You're irresponsible.
Molly: Me? You pay the kid that shovels our walk with beer!
Joyce: It's called bartering, which I do to save money so my unemployed daughter can have a roof over her head, and clothes on her back.
Molly: Oh, what would I do without mommy? I bet I could survive.
Joyce: You wouldn't.
Molly: Wanna bet?
Joyce: Sure. You want me to loan you the money so you can make that bet?

Molly: [after being jostled a little] Hey, do you have a problem?
Isabelle: Oh, you mean other then the loud, obnoxious drunks at the next table?
Victoria: We're sorry, we didn't hear them, we were singing.
Isabelle: Wow, this one's drunk AND stupid.
Joyce: You better watch your mouth, Sasquatch.
Molly: Take it easy, mom.
Isabelle: Oh, you're her mother? How did that
[indicating Molly]
Isabelle: come out of that?
[indicating Joyce]
Joyce: Say that again, I'll kick you in the balls!

Molly: The night before my wedding I thought I got to be the crazy one. I didn't even make the top ten today.

Joyce: [Discussing the possibility of Mike moving into their house] And I will say I'm more than a little nervous about there being a gun in the house.
Molly: Don't worry. I promise that he will keep it locked up.
Joyce: Good, because you know how I get when I drink, and it would tear me apart if anything happened to you girls.

[last lines]
Molly: I love you, Mike.
Officer: I love you, Molly.

Molly: [Referring to Carl having sex in Mike's apartment] How often does this happen?
Mike: I don't know. I gave him the key about four years ago. So, what is that...? Once every four years?

Mike: [at a restaurant] How's your snapper?
Molly: [loopy on cold medicine] Fine. How's your penis?

Helen: [Employment counsellor tries to get Molly to be realistic about her job prospects] Do you mind if we get real for a second?
Molly: Realer than that?
Helen: Here it is. We're all screwed. If you don't have money now, you are never getting any. Because the 3 guys that have it all are not sharing.

Molly: Look, I have no interest in pouring hot wax on my lady business and ripping all the hair out.
Victoria: Eighteen months, four days, five hours, sweetie. I can have that wax heated up lickity split.
Joyce: And then he can get at it lickity split.
Molly: All right, maybe a little off the sides. But we should probably have a safe word.
Joyce: Well, I always just scream 'Ouch, my hoo ha!'

Mike: [Discouraged about dieting] As long as there's pie, I'm not safe.
Molly: No. As long as there's *me*, you are.

Molly: Let's go to bed.
Mike: Alright. But, we're not gonna have sex *every* night. You okay with that?
Molly: No. You're puttin' out.

Joyce: [Joyce is hugging on Vince just as Molly walks in] Lucky for us, there's more than one way to skin a cat.
Molly: I pray to God you're talking about skinning an actual cat.

Joyce: I didn't sign up for this. Vince is supposed to be my young stud. He's supposed to take care of me!
Molly: Yeah, he almost paralyzed himself taking care of you.
Joyce: Don't start. First he throws his back out having sex, then he breaks a hip having sex, then he has a heart attack having sex.
Molly: What kind of sex are you guys having? No, don't tell me, you've already ruined stawberries for me.

Molly: [Molly's drunk and irritated about Joyce leaving the house to Victoria] I just want you to know that I'm okay with Mom's decision.
Victoria: Well thank you, so am I.
Molly: Because I get it now, and it's not your fault that you're the screw up.
Victoria: [insulted] Excuse me?
Molly: I mean, I think I was a tough act to follow. I know that couldn't have been easy and maybe that's why you're easy.
Molly: [singing] Easy like Sunday morning.
Mike: All right, okay my little songbird.
[tries to direct her upstairs]
Molly: I just wanted to tell her I know why Mom did what she did.
Mike: Oh boy.
Victoria: [irritated] And why is that?
Molly: Don't make me say it. All right, I'm gonna say it.
Mike: Oh God.
[sits on the stairs]
Molly: Because I'm the good daughter, and you're... the mess.
Victoria: I see. So, I'm the screw up?
Molly: Only in Mom's eyes.
Victoria: You know, it's just a little confusing. Because I'm not the daughter who quit her job. Or has a mountain of credit card debt because of a shopping addiction.
Molly: [to Mike] Are you listening to this?
Mike: I lived it.
Victoria: And you know what? For your information, all my credit cards are paid off. And I have enough money to put a down payment on any house in this neighborhood. Even if I wasn't already getting one. And, at the moment, I am sober and you're the mess.
[makes her way toward the stairs]
Molly: Hold on a minute!
Molly: [Victoria stops and turns around] Are you saying you don't have any credit card debt, like any?
Victoria: Never have, never will. So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going upstairs and see how my stocks did today.
[goes up the stairs]
Molly: Do we have any stocks?
[Mike shakes his head]

Molly: Quit ringing the bell, Quasimodo.
Vince: I was kind of hoping for Mike. I want him to turn me on my side cause I need to break wind.
Molly: Do you have any boundaries at all?

Molly: Mike's taking me to "La Boheme"
Joyce: The opera? Have you told him that Elmer Fudd isn't in it?

Joyce: Just so you know, I've had exactly two glasses of wine.
Molly: Those aren't glasses, they're aquariums with stems!
Joyce: Hey, if it wasn't for the wine the two of you wouldn't even be here.
Molly: Yeah, with the way you drink, I should have fifteen sisters!
Victoria: Don't worry Molly, you'd still be the smart one!
[knocks the lamp off the end table yet again]
Victoria: Why do we even have a lamp there?

Frankie: [Meeting Molly and Victoria] What's the story with this one?
Victoria: I'm Victoria. Vince's baby girl.
Frankie: I'm your Uncle Frankie. I upgraded to a Lexus at the airport if you wanna go out for ice cream after dinner.
Molly: Okay, you're one of those Uncle Frankie's.
[grabs Victoria's hand]
Molly: Come on, come help me in the kitchen.
Victoria: What just happened?
Molly: You did nothing wrong.

Peggy: [Mike and Molly are on the porch listening to Peggy yelling at Vince] All the boy wanted to do was go fishing. It may not seem important to you but it was important to him!
Vince: [Intimidated] I know that now, you made that very clear.
Peggy: Do you have any idea how hard it is to be both mother and father to him? I had to teach him how to shave and slow dance!
[shoves him onto the couch]
Vince: You did a remarkable job with both those things.
Molly: [Peggy keeps yelling at Vince] Do you think we should jump in there?
Mike: Well, she drove all the way over here.
[they sit down to watch through the window]
Vince: I don't know, I never had kids.
Peggy: That you know of. And if you did, they'd be swimming around in the shallow end of the gene pool!
Molly: [Peggy keeps ranting at Vince but obviously has her ex husband in mind] You know what, you'd think she was pretty entertaining when she's not yelling at me.
Vince: Mother Biggs, all I did was sell a boat.
Peggy: This has nothing to do with the boat, this is between you and me.
Vince: I think you might be projecting now.
Peggy: Oh, I'm gonna project you through that glass cabinet!
Mike: Okay, it's getting violent. We should get in there.
Molly: No, no, no, Mike, it's just getting good!
Peggy: I'm gonna rip the last five hairs out of your head!
[grabs his head and starts getting rough]
Molly: Get him!
[laughs]

Molly: [Incensed and eating as quickly as she can] Nonsense. He called planning our wedding nonsense!
Joyce: Sweetie, I don't think those pancakes are part of your diet.
Molly: [Challenge in her tone] Do you wanna reach over here and try to take them away from me?

Molly: [They've just become engaged] When did you get this ring?
Officer: About two weeks after I met you.
Officer: [Fighting tears] Look at me. I'm gonna be a best man.

Mike: Hey that's a stop sign, slow down.
Molly: Crime doesn't slow down!
Mike: Hey, that's my thing!

Molly: Thank God you're home, I need your help.
Victoria: What's going on?
Molly: Mom's gone missing, I've had to take care of Vince. I had to drag his wet, naked body out of the tub and onto the couch.
Victoria: Eeewwww.
Molly: I can still hear his squeaky butt cheeks... dragging across the bathroom tiles.
Victoria: Stop it Molly, you're scaring me!
Molly: You don't know fear until you've splashed down face first into the briny depths that is Vincent Muranto!

Peggy: Kay has seen every inch of this filthy planet.
Kay: Yeah, there's only one place I wouldn't dare go back to.
Molly: Somalia?
Kay: Florida. Awful place. Mickey Mouse, meth, and mullets. Let the Cubans have it.

Ramirez: The other party isn't filing charges. Mostly because he's embarrassed he got his ass whipped by your mother.
Molly: He shouldn't be. Once she gets on ya she's like a tick, you have to burn her off.

Molly: Dinner was delicious. Good for you, finding a man who knows his way around a kitchen.
Officer: I know my way around a kitchen.
Molly: I meant cooking, not finding an Oreo in the dark.

Molly: [Referring to Vince] Mom. Go walk him, please!

Peggy: [Referring to her mother] After Daddy went to bed, she'd sneak out on the porch, smoke her pipe and just cry.
Molly: Why was she crying?
Peggy: I told you. It was on that farm. We barely scraped by.
[Her voice gets quieter]
Peggy: And when things get really bad, Daddy got angry.
Molly: Angry, how?
Peggy: He started hitting. The walls. The dog.
Molly: You?
Peggy: He tried, but Momma wouldn't let him. So, he turned it all on her.
Molly: [Sadly, softly] Peggy, I had no idea.
Peggy: How could you? No one knew. First chance I had, I lit outta there and never looked back.
Molly: Well, of course, I mean what choice did you have?
Peggy: [Fighting tears, disappointed in herself] I left her there. She protected me all those years, and I just abandoned her.
Molly: I- I'm sure that all your mother ever really wanted was for you to be safe.
Peggy: Who was keeping her safe?
Molly: Well, you were a kid. There was nothing you could do about that.
Peggy: I could have stayed.
Molly: [Both of them fighting tears now] Then you wouldn't have lived the life that you were supposed to live. And I never would have met the strongest woman that I've ever known. Or my amazing husband.
Peggy: [Taking a deep breath] It's always about you.
[They both laugh through their tears]
Peggy: Guess that's why I hold onto Mikey so tight. I don't want to- abandon anyone ever again.
Molly: He knows you're not going anywhere. We've both come to terms with that.
[They laugh and Peggy hugs her close]

Mike: [Molly asked what Carl is doing in Mike's apartment with the door chain locked] He's probably in there doin' some broad.
Molly: [Punches Mike's shoulder] Mike, that's disgusting!
Mike: Sorry. He's in there making sweet love to some broad.
Molly: [Punches him again] So, you're telling me right now he's in there having sex on our bed?
Mike: I don't think so. Carl likes to stand and deliver.

Mike: You know how I like to take a bite out of crime? Well today, crime took a bite out of me.
[rolls up sleeve and shows teeth marks]
Molly: Oh my God, what happened?
Mike: I chased this purse snatcher, climbed over a barbed wire fence, into this junk yard where we were both bitten by a Doberman Pinscher, soon everybody was biting everybody else.

Molly: Leaving just seemed like the right thing to do.
Mike: Through the window?
Molly: You know, anybody can leave through a door.

Mike: Oh, what happened?
Vince: I threw my back out.
Molly: That's what you get for doing it on the floor.
Joyce: We weren't doing it on the floor. We're not animals.
Vince: Yeah, we were doing it in reverse, prairie dog style and I slipped on a strawberry.
Mike: That's what happened to the strawberries.

Peggy: My father sent me this trunk just after my mother died.
Molly: Oh, that's sweet.
[Stops Peggy from opening it]
Molly: She's not in here, is she?

Vince: I hope you're happy, you've torn this family apart!
Mike: She didn't co-operate! All you had to do was answer the question 'Did you drink tonight?'!
Victoria: Well, that's a pretty loaded question cause you know, she was probably loaded.
Joyce: I was not!
Vince: That's not perjury, she's not under oath.
Joyce: How come everybody's assuming I was tanked?
Molly: Come on, mom, it was after six.

Molly: [Standing at the front door with Mike after a movie date] Do you want to come in for a while?
Mike: Uh, that sounds tempting, but I've got an early morning and I don't want to disturb your mom or your sister.
Molly: They're not here. Mom's taking a pole-dancing class at the seniors' centre, and my sister, well, she could be handcuffed to just about anything right now.