250 Best Max Baer Jr. Quotes

Jane: Soon I shall be cooking for you all the time.
Jethro: You will?
Jane: Of course. Three meals a day.
Jethro: I ain't cuttin' down to three meals a day! No ma'am! Uh-uh! Not me! No!

Jed: You mind explainin' to me what a guru is?
Jethro: Guru is one of them teachers over in India. They know all the secrets of the far east. They teach you how to meditate, go out of your mind.
Jed: I think you're gettin the hang of that.

Jed: We ain't shootin' at the board, Granny. We is fixin' to drive them nails stickin' in it.
Daisy: I still say that ain't hill country shootin'.
Jed: Granny's right, boy. See that rock over on the left.
Jethro: Yes sir.
Jed: Let's ricochet off that and then drive the nails.

Jethro: Vittles is all she thinks about. Watch this - Howdy.
Maria: Ciao.
Jethro: See. She must have mentioned chow at least a dozen times today already. Senor Maria, this here's my Uncle Jed.
Jed: Howdy.
Maria: Ciao.
Jethro: There she goes again.

Jethro: We is gettin' married tomorrow in Westminster Abbey.
[Granny groans]
Jethro: I never seen Granny so happy. I'm gonna go tell Elly.
Jed: Have you told her uncle?
Jethro: She's gonna tell him. He's gonna give her away.
Daisy: He's got her priced right.

Daisy: You ate the whole thing?
Jethro: Yes Ma'am. Didn't have a lot of flavor, but it was mighty fillin'. I never seen anything soak up so much gravy.

Jed: Come on inside and set a spell, Mr. Leroy. Jethro'll fix yer car for ya.
Leroy: Well, I don't have much money.
Jed: Why, you'd insult Jethro if you offered him any money.
Jethro: No he wouldn't.

Jethro: [lighting the candles on Granny's birthday cake] This thing is commencing to look like a brush fire.

Daisy: Well, the food chute is back, the one-man locust plague. I bet you're hungry.
Jethro: Oh yes ma'am.
Jed: What's for vittles, Granny?
Daisy: Overlook stew.
Jed: What's that?
Daisy: I'm stewin' everythin' he overlooked, and it ain't much.

Lafe: Now, no more a' this chasin' after other girls. Can't no boy love TWO girls.
Jethro: Well, that leaves out Essie Belle. She's about two girls and a HALF!

Daisy: Shoot us!
Jed: What?
Daisy: Don't leave us to the mercy of them red devils!
Jed: Drive on, boy.
Jethro: Ain't we gonna shoot 'em?
Jed: Drive on, boy!

Jethro: [sees sign for Marineland feeding hours] Hot dog! Lookit that. Marines gets fed 6 times a day.

Linda: Do you have any pets?
Jethro: Yeah, I reckon our ol' hound dog, Duke, is my pet.
Linda: Any hobbies?
Jethro: Mm hmm, he likes to chase squirrels.
Linda: I mean you, Jethro.
Jethro: Yeah, I like to chase 'em too.

Jethro: I'm havin' hog livers.
Waiter: We have no hog livers.
Jethro: Alright, then deep fry 'em in possum fat.

Jethro: Wait'll you see her. She's purty as a mess of fried catfish.
Jed: Granny, the boy's in love. Ain't no girl ever come up to fried catfish before.

Jethro: Listen Granny, I just found out its 8 hours later in England than it is here.
Daisy: So?
Jethro: I'm 8 hours behind in my eatin'.
Daisy: Oh, don't bother me. I got an emergency long distance call.
Jethro: But Granny, I'm starvin'. I'm desperate. I can't wait.
Daisy: Let Elly cook you somethin'.
Jethro: I can wait.

Jed: By doggies, it happened just the way Mr. Shafer said it would. Them New York police sure was glad to see him.
Daisy: We no sooner set foot in the building when three of them came rushin' up to him.
Jethro: Grabbed him by the arms and purt near carried him out.

Elly: Oh, they's fixin' to shoot my gorilla!
Jethro: They is just tranquilizer guns to calm him down.
Jed: Can we get 'em to take a shot at Granny?

Cousin: Jethro, I told you to get rid of them worn-out brakes.
Jethro: I did Ma. That's how come we ain't got none.

Daisy: Elly May can outthrow anybody.
Jethro: Oh yes sir, she's got plenty of stuff.
Leo: Yeah, we could never hide it under a Dodger uniform.

Daisy: [Faking serious illness] I'm goin' to join the angels.
Jethro: [Referring to California baseball teams] Well, they's doin' better than the Dodgers!

Daisy: Jethro, have you ever had a busted heart and tromped-on visions of orange blossoms and rice?
Jethro: No. But cook it, I'll eat it!
Daisy: Jethro, you don't understand. Your cousin Elly has taken leave of her senses. She has fell for the ugliest goomer that ever lived. She's goin' out with him in public. She's goin' to shame her family and ruin her life. Let that soak in for a minute.
Jethro: ...Okay, now can we eat?

Jed: Jethro, I gotta admire your brain.
Jethro: Why thank you.
Jed: Now that I've admired it, git it outta here.

Jane: Jethro, Jethro, what's going on?
Jethro: I'm courtin' you. I cain't eat or sleep without you.
Jane: Oh no, no.
Jethro: That's the truth. Granny won't feed me or make my bed.

Jethro: Excuse me, mister. How do you get to the playground?
Attorney: Playground?
Jethro: Yessir. He just called recess.

Jethro: Am I glad you is all back. Especially you, Granny. I love you. Can I carry you to the house?
Daisy: Oh, if it makes you happy, Jethro.
Jethro: Oh it does. I wanna get you to the stove as quick as I can.

Jethro: [Granny is trying to cook Mr. Sebastian's giant sea sponge] Hot Dog! Look at the size of that mushroom!

Jethro: I'm gonna pay for this car myself.
Daisy: How?
Jethro: Well that's where my education pays off. They let me figger out my own financin' plan. All I got to do is pay $4 a week.
Jed: For how long?
Jethro: 'Til 68.
Daisy: Why that's two years.
Jethro: No, Granny, 'til I'm 68.
Jed: Jethro, you take this thing back where you got it and fetch home the truck.
Jethro: Aw Uncle Jed, girls don't go for that truck, but with this baby, I can get me some action.
Daisy: You get out to the woodshed. I'll give you some action.
Jethro: Granny, I mean some swingin' action. I wanna be where things are jumpin'.
Daisy: Don't you worry. I'll be swingin' and you'll be jumpin'. Now git!

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: [Mr. Drysdale tries to drag Mrs. Drysdale back to the car by her fox stole] Let go, you beast!
Jethro: [Jethro thinks a fox is attacking her and grabs a shotgun] Step aside lady, I'll shoot it.
[Mrs. Drysdale turns and sees Jethro, screams and throws her hand up. The fox stole flies up in the air and Jethro blasts it]

Jed: [Jane explains the tax benefits of a corporation] Mr. Treasurer, you hear all that?
Jethro: Oh yes sir, every word.
Jed: You understand it?
Jethro: No sir, not a word.

Susie: How would you like a karate chop?
Jethro: Swell, I'm starvin'!

Daisy: The way you was showin' off, you'll never get outta her clutches.
Jethro: She got you in her clutches, Uncle Jed?
Jed: Course not. I just took the woman dancin' one night. That don't hardly put me in her clutches.
Daisy: Ha! She's got her painted finger nails in you like a fistful of fish hooks!

Jethro: Which room do you want me to put your dentist chair in, Granny?
Daisy: I think I'll just let you bolt it down to the bed of the truck.
Jed: You figger to practice here on the truck?
Daisy: Why not? You know how people hate to go to the dentist. This way, the dentist will go to the people.
Jed: You think folks is ready fer curb service dentistry?
Daisy: Ready, willin' and anxious. Why just driving along, the minute they seen this chair, their mouths just fell open.

Jethro: [Jethro is trying to get his bull to fight him] Well come on, I'se spottin' you 800 pounds.

Jed: I love you both equal an it'd pleasure me if you'd shake hands.
Jethro: And come out fightin'.

Jed: Do you get the feelin' that Granny'd like us to make ourselves scarce?
Jethro: I don't. She told me to fix this keg.
[Granny picks up a piece of wood and shakes it at Jethro]
Jethro: I'm gettin' a feeling.

Daisy: Californy weather has took my appetite.
Jethro: Well it ain't took mine. I'm starvin!
Daisy: Go eat some smog.
Jed: You may have just solved one of the biggest problems out here, Granny. If he can trap that stuff on a plate, he might just get rid of it.

Daisy: I'll learn you to pick on a poor, weak, helpless ol' lady.
[bends the steel bars on the cage and goes in after the gorilla]
Jethro: Lookit that.
Jed: He hadn't ought to got Granny riled.
Daisy: You're goin' to the woodshed. And when I'm done with you, your heart won't be the only thing burnin'.

Jethro: You know somethin' Jed? That there is a real dumb dog.
Jed: Well I don't think he's so dumb, Jethro. He just learned you how to fetch sticks for him.

Jethro: Now you're gonna find out what happens when you insult General "Buzz" Bodine.
Elly: What's "Buzz" mean?
Daisy: Buzzard, what else?

Cousin: I've got to decide which dress to wear tonight. Do you think this one shows off my figure?
Jethro: Well yeah, Ma, but wear it anyway. It's pretty.

Jane: [Jethro is depressed because the new neighbor doesn't have a pretty maid] Jethro, if you're lonesome for feminine companionship, come to my place this evening.
Jethro: Do you have a pretty maid?

Elly: This here's a lion.
Jed: And you named him after Jethro?
Jethro: Yeah, cuz he's king of the beasts, huh Elly?
Jed: Nah, cuz he eats so much and his feet's so big.

Jed: I wouldn't do no laughin' around Granny, you'd be sleepin' horse style tonight.
Jethro: Whatcha mean?
Jed: Standin' up.

Jed: Where are we, Jethro?
Jethro: We is in what's called Hyde Park.
Daisy: Good! Pull up to them bushes and let's hide.

Elly: [Jethro and Elly are fixing Leroy's car] Trouble must be in that thing up front.
Jethro: That's the engine, you dumb girl.
Elly: You better watch out who you callin' dumb. I'm *smart*!
Jethro: You're about as smart as *that* monkey.
Elly: Well, that's better.

Jethro: [Jethro describes his experience at the car wash] I followed some arrows around into this here tunnel. I no sooner got inside , this dad-blamed cyclone busted loose.

Linda: You mean you have a steady girl?
Jethro: Oh no, she's a little shaky,

Shifty: I have long been closely associated with the New York police force. They always love to see me come to town.
Jed: Is that a fact?
Jethro: They is friends of yours, huh?
Shifty: Chums, pals. In fact, when we enter the terminal, you may notice several of them converge upon me and begin to ask questions.
Daisy: What kind of questions?
Shifty: Oh, questions concerning unsolved crimes.

Jed: I'm about of a notion that that little fella needs fixin' more than his car.
Jethro: Whatcha mean?
Jed: Well uh, turns out that we had his name backwards and he didn't have the gumption to tell us.
Elly: He is right skittish.
Jed: I believe that a good-sized bunny rabbit could face him down.

Jethro: You see, double naught spies is what you call irresistable to women. This fella spent most of his time fightin' and lovin' and lovin' and fightin' and lovin' some more.

Jed: I reckon with our stuff outta there, ain't nothin' left anyone would wanna take, 'cept them old pictures.
Jethro: Oh, Miss Hathaway says a couple of them pictures is Rembrandt's.
Jed: Alright, after Christmas, we'll see he gets 'em back.

Jethro: I seen better wrasslin' at a sheep shearin'.
Jed: What's the bull doin'?
Jethro: He's lookin' at Jethro kinda puzzled.
Jed: What's Jethro doin'?
Jethro: I think that's what the bull's tryin' to figger out.

Daisy: I just remembered, I need some stuff for my new tonic. You'all go git it fer me.
Jed: What do you need?
Daisy: Pasadena berries.
Elly: Pasadena berries?
Jethro: I never heard of them.
Jed: What do they look like?
Daisy: You'll find out when you get to Pasadena.

Jethro: You reckon he'll show up here, Uncle Jed?
Jed: [Elly May opens the door and dozens of cats come in] Well with our bait, I'd say there's a real good chance.

Jed: Make us proud of you, Jethro.
Jethro: Oh, by the way, that ain't my name no more. Us movie stars gotta use tough-soundin' names like Biff Steel, Crunch Hardtack, Race Burley.
Daisy: You got one?
Jethro: I thought myself up a dandy, Beef Jerky.

Jethro: Granny says that all the men folks gotta stay outta the house while Elly May's takin' her bath.
Jane: But isn't Elly May bathing in the privacy of her own bedroom suite?
Jed: [to Jethro] Hear what she call you? Sweet.

Jed: Well, who might this young lady be?
Jethro: She's Miss Kitty Devine, the girl that called me a creep, run over my foot, and sicced her dog on me. My sweetheart!

Jethro: Please don't cry, Miss Jane. Your biscuits are better'n mine. Leastwise they's softer. And your gravy smells just scrumptious.
Jane: The gravy is good?
Jethro: Well I betcha it would be if I could get it outta the bowl. It sure did set up fast.

Daisy: Wait a minute, Jed. When we was on that train, Christmas night, I recollect Sam Drucker lookin' out the window and sayin' he seen a bear drivin' a truck.
Jed: Yeah, we just thought he'd had too much egg nog.
Jethro: That was Fairchild. I learned him how to drive so he could spell Mr. Drysdale at the wheel.
Daisy: A bear?
Jethro: He ain't bad, Granny. He hogs the road a lot, but the other drivers never complain.

Cousin: Trouble is we don't know no doctors.
Elly: Well, I know the critter doctor over to the zoo.
Cousin: Jethro's a human being, Elly May.
Jethro: Thank you, Ma.

Jethro: Who's comin'?
Daisy: The widow Poke, the finest cook in Cass county and the purtiest young woman ever to come outta the hills.
Jethro: Hmm, three of 'em, huh?

Jethro: I need a aide.
Daisy: First aid is what you're gonna need.

Jethro: [Jethro is wearing an ancient Roman uniform] She'll really go for me in this. This is what the emperor hisself wears.
Jane: Caesar?
Jethro: Not yet, but I figured to hold hands with her tonight.
Jethro: [Mr. Drysdale comes out of his office] Hail, Mr. Drysdale.
Jethro: Hail, Jethro. Hail? What's going on? What's this getup for?
Jethro: It's so I can make a hit with that beautiful Italian cook.
Jane: She'll see him as the noblest Roman of them all.
Milburn: Caesar?
Jane: Not yet, but he plans to hold hands with her tonight.
Milburn: When will I learn to stay in my own office and keep the door closed?

Daisy: Jethro, I want you to wear this uniform with pride and valor, like my grand daddy wore it in the great war.
Jethro: Granny, that's a Confederate uniform!
Daisy: You bet it is, and this is the sword he used to defend our country when the North invaded America!

Daisy: Young'uns, you know the code of the hills. What is the lowest, meanest, traitorous thing a friend can do to his neighbor?
Elly: Tell the revenooers he's got a still.

Wilkins: At present, he's on a diet of Swiss yogurt. We hunted all over Beverly Hills to find it.
Jed: Jethro, get out yer rifle and hunt down one of them Swiss yogurts.
Jethro: Okay, Uncle Jed. Oh, and I'll take little Deusey along to make sure I shoot the right kind.

Daisy: Did you see that coat?
Jed: I reckon that explains what happened to the other 5 cats.
Elly: Awful!
Daisy: Poor woman.
Jethro: She's really hard up. ain't she?
Jed: She is for a fact. It's bad enough havin' to sell her bathtub, but when it comes to skinnin' her cats for clothes...
[the Clampletts leave, crying]

Jed: I reckon it'd hurt Mr. Drysdale's feelin's considerable if he was to find out we didn't eat his fish.
Jethro: But Uncle Jed, I purt near broke a tooth on that thing.
Daisy: If Jethro can't bite through it, nobody can.

Jethro: Mr. Drysdale, here's your horse and buggy.
Milburn: Where's the horse?
Jethro: Oh, she give out on the way. Elly and Miss Jane are fetchin' her.
[Miss Jane drives up with Lightning riding in the back seat]

Jethro: How do you like my accent?
Milburn: It's atrocious.
Jethro: No no, it's French.

Jethro: Do you know any girls in New York?
Shifty: Oh, oodles of 'em.
Jethro: Any chorus girls?
Shifty: Some of the coarsest.

Jethro: Is there any limit on dragons?
John: You are at liberty to slay as many as you can find.

Jethro: [repeated line; to Miss Jane] Sure, darlin'.

Jethrine: [Granny and Cousin Pearl disagreeing over who is going to cook in the kitchen] Hey, Uncle Jed. Come on back. There's gonna be a fight.
Cousin: Oh, I don't fight nobody twice my age.
Daisy: There ain't nobody twice your age!
Cousin: I happen to be on the sunny side of 45.
[slaps table]
Daisy: Well, then move over into the shade. You're drying up something awful.

Daisy: Remember what Williams Jennings Bryan said, "Fight hard, but fight clean."
Jethro: Well you ain't fightin' clean, Granny.
Daisy: 'Course I ain't! Williams Jennings Bryan was a loser!

Jethro: I was just doin' my Yogi exercises.
Jed: Hangin' upside down? Then is possum exercises.

Jed: There is them that say, "This ain't our quarrel. We ain't Californy folks born and bred." But I say, this state has been mighty good to us, and when trouble starts, we ain't about to run and hide. That's enough talk. Let's get to fightin'.
Jethro: And eatin'.

Jethro: Can I have the rest of the stew now?
Jed: Give it to him, Granny.
Daisy: Shall I give him the bone too?
Jed: If you can stand the noise.

Jethro: I could use some smoking jackets.
Daisy: What yer gonna get is some smokin' britches!

Jethro: [Jethro is being electrocuted by his Bodine-o-phone] Oo oo turn me off. Oo oo pull me loose. Oo oo cut the juice!
Kingsley: He's even got a hit song.

Milburn: Jethro, just pack up your stable, your stooges, your stuff and scram!
Jethro: I'm gonna give you one more chance. Do I get my private projection room, sauna bath, and helioport?
Milburn: Never!
Jethro: I just wanna straight yes or no answer.
Milburn: It's no!
Jethro: Make up your mind.
Milburn: Oh, get out!

Elly: Why don't you'all shoot skeets like Mr. Drysdale?
Jethro: What's skeets?
Jed: Ah, he told me about them. Them is clay birds.
Daisy: Well if you two go to shootin' clay birds, don't expect me to cook 'em.

Elly: Jethro, I can do them "Ho ho ho"s better'n you. Let me try bein' Santa.
Jethro: You dumb ol' elf. Girls can't be Santa. You'd look silly in a beard. Besides, it took 5 pillows and 19 helpings of Granny's grits to get me up to size.

Jed: For a while there, you was keen on bein' a brain surgeon.
Jethro: Why, them rascals don't even lay in the same kraut barrel with the double naughts. Why, a brain surgeon might go for days without doin' no worthwhile fightin' or lovin'.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: What's the use of trying to talk to you people? You're illiterate cretins!
Daisy: Was that good or bad?
Jethro: Hard to tell. It could go either way.

Elly: Granny, it's for your health. Why Mr. Drysdale says it lowers your kesterol.
Jethro: That's cholester oil.
Daisy: Well it lowered his till it was draggin'.

Jed: [Elly shows in the harem girls] What in the Sam Hill?
Elly: The man that brung 'em by said that they was some of the Sheik's favorite dancin' girls.
Jethro: Yeah, he wants you to have 'em for wives.
Daisy: Wives?
Jed: Well, fetch 'em back boy. I can't take a present like that.
Jethro: Wait a minute, Uncle Jed! Let's talk about it first.
Jed: Jethro!
Jethro: At least look 'em over before you go returnin' 'em.

Jethro: [explaining the plot of the movie Goldfinger] The bad guys was after Fort Knox, and if old naught naught seven hadn't taken a hand, the next time Uncle Sam needed gold, he'd a been milkin' a dry cow.

Jed: Now make us proud of ya. You are Vice President in charge of my money.
Jethro: Don't worry, Uncle Jed. When I get through handlin' it, you're gonna have a million dollars.
Jed: Jethro.
Jethro: Yes sir?
Jed: I got 50 million now.

Jethro: And then I kissed her.
Jed: You did?
Jethro: I did, there was still some icing left on her lips.

Jed: I declare, this is the nosiest family a man was ever burdened with.
Daisy: Well lookit them shoes, all fresh oiled.
Elly: Fancy new laces, too!
Cousin: And them's his best socks.
Jethro: And it ain't even Sunday.
Cousin: Son, every day's Sunday when you're in love.
Jed: Now that takes the rag offen the bush. I ain't in love and I just oiled my shoes 'cause they was squeakin'.
Daisy: They been squeakin' for 15 years as I remember. You ain't never oiled 'em.

Jed: Oh, you got yerself a girlfriend, huh?
Jethro: Yeah, we's gonna be married, live in a fine covered cottage and have scads of kids and live happy ever after... if I could work out just one problem.
Jed: What's that?
Jethro: She hates me.

Mrs. Millicent Schuyler: Now then, How do you gentlemen like your tea?
Jethro: We don't know Ma'am. We ain't tasted it yet.

Daisy: We ain't goin' to Pasadena.
Jethro: How else we gonna get Pasadena berries?
Daisy: jethro, Granny just said that to get us outta the house so we wouldn't find out what's got her jumpy as a grasshopper in a chicken pen.

Jethro: Uncle Jed, couldn't we talk about this some other time when I ain't starvin'?
Jed: There ain't that much time in life, boy.

Jewelry: Now, this is the engagement ring.
Jethro: Thank you.
Jewelry: You might, in a subtle way of course, let the bride know that she is getting ten perfect carats.
Jed: Well that's mighty nice of you.
Daisy: Nice, my foot. After the money you spent, he could at least send her a smoked ham.
Jewelry: And here are madame's lovely earrings and necklace.
Daisy: How many carrots did I git?
Jewelry: About fifty, but of course they're not perfect.
Daisy: Well in that case, I'll take turnips.
Jewelry: And for mademoiselle, this beautiful diamond bracelet.
Elly: Do I get some carrots too?
Jewelry: Oh yes indeed, about thirty.
Jed: You sure are generous with your vegetables.
Jewelry: So are you, sir. You're going to be sending me a lot of cabbage.
Jed: I am?
Jewelry: Yes, cabbage is money.
Jed: Well, your store, but I'll be dogged if I see how you stay in business.

Daisy: Jethro will know what them big words means. He's been plumb through the 6th grade.
Jethro: What words is that?
Shorty: Incompatible overt offense.
Jethro: Ah, that's easy. All you gotta do is break them words down to their root meanings. In, compat, able, overt, offense.
Daisy: What does it mean?
Jethro: It means: you come in and pat a bull, and you better get over the fence.

Jethro: The fella said it's the world's oldest livin' horse.

Daisy: [looking at the signs Jethro made for the boarding house] Did you make a sign about my lye soap?
Jethro: [showing her the sign] Oh yeah Granny. Free lye soap.
Daisy: Oh that will draw them in like flies.
Jed: You got to throw in a little extra with those stiff rates you're charging.
Daisy: Well Jed I'm giving every boarder a private room and all he can eat.
Jed: Yeah but a dollar a night?
Daisy: Well I figure that will keep out the riff-raff.

Jethro: Jethro, I think you was right about those golfs bein' birds.
Jethro: I was?
Jed: Yeah, when I come out here, I seen some people take 2 little white eggs outta that hole over yonder.

Jed: Do spies get to wear fancy uniforms?
Jethro: Gee, I dunno?
Jed: You could use with some new duds. Them britches of yours look like you're fixin' to wade a crick.

Jethro: Somethin' go wrong with the bridge game?
Elly: Sho'nuff did! Granny got riled and busted it up.
Jed: What riled you, Granny?
Granny: Well first off, them other women wanted me to put my cards down on the table so all of them could see 'em.
Jed: That don't hardly seem fair.
Granny: Of course it don't and when I asked them why, they said, "Because you're the dummy."

Jethro: Granny, whereabouts do you want the still?
Daisy: Over here on this side of the "ceement" pond

Jethro: It builds up your hemogoblins.

Cousin: Jethro, why don't you try usin' your head for thinkin'?
Jethro: I HAVE tried Ma, and it hurts.

Jethro: That was written by Abraham Lincoln, the president that whupped the South.
Daisy: South was not whupped!
Jethro: Granny, General Lee surrendered to General Grant.
Daisy: He did not! General Lee figgered that Grant was a blacksmith and he handed him his sword so he could sharpen it. And don't you ever forget it!

Jethro: Shucks, when it comes to lovin', I'm greener than a gourd.
Milburn: But when your Uncle Jed said that, you replied, "That's what you think."
Jethro: Yessir, that's what I think too.

Milburn: Now, on your way home, if you see anything you want for Christmas, just pick it up and charge it to me.
Jethro: Hot diggety dog!
[Jethro and Elly May leave then Jethro returns carrying Janet Trego]
Jethro: Come on Uncle Jed! I done picked out my present.

Emaline: The police are looking for Emaline Fetty. I gotta change it.
Jethro: Oh yeah... I got it! Elvirna Fetty.
Emaline: I think the Fetty has to go too. What I need is a city name.
Jethro: How about Chicago?
Emaline: No, I mean a Christian name.
Jethro: What about St. Louis?

Mrs. Millicent Schuyler: Date of Birth?
Jethro: December the 4th.
Mrs. Millicent Schuyler: Year?
Jethro: No Ma'am, back home. We only been hyere a few weeks.

Jethro: I ain't been wastin' time, Granny. I been goin' to cool school.
Daisy: What kind of a fool school is cool school?

Daisy: [standing next to a painting of Gloria Swanson] Ya notice how our eyes is alike?
Jethro: Yeah, you both got two.

Jane: It looks as though you've decided to forgo Mrs. Drysdale's party.
Jethro: Oh yes Ma'am. We is all four goin'.

Mr. Pinckney: Young man, kindly remove your cousin from the chandelier.
Jethro: Oh heck, Bessie ain't my cousin.
Mr. Pinckney: Really?

Jethro: [Jethro is dancing with the harem girls] Hey Uncle Jed, if you're wonderin' on what to get me for my birthday, well...

Jed: Miss Jane wasn't foolin' when she said this rascal was stronger than 12 men.
Jethro: Man, if we ever get him calmed down, he's gonna be a wood-choppin', plow-pullin' son of a gun.

Jed: Jethro, you swear to be tellin' the truth?
Jethro: So help me, Jefferson Davis.
Daisy: You take yer hat off when you speak of the President.
Jethro: He ain't President no more.
Daisy: I'l have no Yankee talk in my kitchen!

Jane: I think you should forget about becoming an intelligence agent.
Jethro: Is that the same thing as a spy?
Jane: Yes, it's a dreadfully dangerous occupation and I wouldn't want anything to happen to you.
Jethro: That's one of the good things about bein' a double naught spy. You can get shot, stabbed, blowed up, drowned, and everythin'. The first thing you know, they is back huggin' the girls again, good as new.

Jane: Have you ever stayed in a beautiful hotel suite?
Jethro: No I ain't, darling.

Jethro: Look what I got
[holding a letter]
Jed: From your ma?
Jed: No, from the President.
Daisy: The president of what?
Elly: The president of the whole country.
Daisy: You got a letter from Jeff Davis?

Jethro: [Jed and Jehtro are discussing a "fast" girl back in the hills] Uncle Jed, she handed me a big old sugar cookie, looked at me and said, "Jehtro, if you had a choice between that cookie and me, which one would you take". Uncle Jed, that's when I found out just how fast she was!
[Jed leans in close to hear the rest of the story]
Jethro: I had to run nearly a mile to get away from her with that cookie!
Jed: [Disgusted] Jethro, some day me and you got to have a long talk.

Jethro: Oh, here's somethin' else Mr. Drysdale sent over.
[he opens a box of golf shoes with cleats]
Jed: By doggies, Jethro, them golfs must be the toughest little critters there is. First you shoot 'em, then you club 'em, then you stomp 'em with spikes.
Elly: That ain't all. Miss Jane says to me she says, "When your Pa and Jethro go out to shoot, tell 'em to watch out for the traps."
Jed: Traps too? Oooh I can't wait to tangle with one of them golfs.

Jethro: Well I ain't gonna ask for no more of them karate chops.

Jethro: But Uncle Jed ain't poor now, Granny. He got 25 million dollars.
Daisy: How long do you think its going to last if we throw it away on store-bought soap?

Jed: You cut down one of our trees to make that?
Jethro: No sir. Cut down one of Mrs. Drysdale's.
Jed: Why?
Jethro: So Granny won't know about it.
Jed: Well, Mrs. Drysdale will know about it. She's gonna yell bloody murder.
Jethro: She ain't home.
Jed: When she comes home and sees what you done, she'll likely call the police.
Jethro: No she won't. I gnawed the stump so it looked like a beaver done it.

Daisy: I'm going to give you and Mr. Drysdale a general anesthesia.
Jethro: You mean you're gonna knock us out with that mallet?
Daisy: Maybe not. Your head is too thick and his is too thin. I'll give you gas. Go stick yer head in the oven.

Jethro: If you hadn't made me turn loose that Grunion I captured, I'da had her unload the truck.
Jed: We don't hold with havin' slaves, boy.
Daisy: That's right! We fought a war to make them Yankees give up that foolishness.
Jethro: Granny, you sure do get things twisted.
Daisy: Do as I say, or you're goin' to get things twisted, startin' with your neck!

Elly: [Elly has Jethro in a toe hold] Say it! Say it!
Jethro: You're a knight. You're a knight.
Elly: Say the rest of it. What are you?
Jethro: I'm a damsel.

Jane: You sit down. I shall serve you the food and we'll discuss our future.
Jethro: Our what?
Jane: Oh there are plans to be made, dear boy. For example, when shall we have our nuptials?
Jethro: Well, let's have 'em with the biscuits and red eye gravy.

Jane: How is your Uncle Jed manageing?
Jethro: I ain't seen much of him since Elly commenced cookin'. He's got his hidin' place, I got mine.

Jed: Jethro, I reckon we gotta let Granny blow off that head of steam she built up over Lafe Crick or she's gonna be sputterin' and hissin' like that for weeks.
Jethro: I reckon it'd pleasure her a heap to cut loose and speak her mind.
Jed: Granny, what do you think of Lafe Crick?
Daisy: Why he is the laziest, no-account varmint that ever drawed a breath!
Jethro: Go Granny, go.
Daisy: Why the only hard work that he ever done was to turn over in bed! He can get up in the mornin' with nothin' to do and by nightfall, it's only half done!
Jed: That's it, Granny, mean mouth him good.
Daisy: His woman does all the work over at their place. And the only time she ever got him out in the field, she had to sharpen the stump so he couldn't set down!
Jed: Blow the lid off, Granny, let her fly.
Daisy: The only nickle he ever earned was when his Pa paid him 2 bits to stay away from the house! Why he would whitewash his own Ma and rent her out to haunt houses! Why, he's so lazy, even his scarecrows have to set in a chair! You talk about a liar, why that Lafe Crick wouldn't know the truth if he stepped on it bare-footed!

Jethro: Uncle Jed, they's quit the Beverly Hills club and joined ours.
Elly: They seen us joggin', and started followin' us for some reason.
[the men are all looking at Elly]

Daisy: That animal is standin' on a pair of 200-pound hams.
Jed: That bacon would fill a smokehouse.
Jethro: Look at the size of them pigs knuckles!

Jethro: [reading from Pearl's letter] "We knowed it was Jasper. He was there to get Jethrine. Her beauty had set his heart to burnin' with flamin' desire."
Elly: What's "flamin' desire" Pa?
Jed: Well uh, Granny will explain that to you later.
Daisy: Well, I'll try. You're sure countin' a heap on my memory.

Elly: Miss Jane straightened me out on that bullfightin' business.
Jethro: She did, huh?
Elly: Yeah, it turns out you don't hand wrassle him at all.
Jethro: Just kinda wastin' your time, huh?
Elly: Yeah, but I know what to do now.
Jethro: What's the tablecloth fer?
Elly: For the bull.
Jethro: Now wait a minute, boy, let your Granny cook him first!

Jane: Have you decided what you'd like to be, Jethro?
Jethro: Yes ma'am. I wanna be a spy.
Jane: A spy?
Jed: Whatever gave you that notion?
Jethro: I seen this movie about a spy, ol' Double Naught Seven. This rascal really had hisself some high old time.

Jed: Maybe you gotta be some kind of a genius to appreciate art like that.
Jethro: Nah, Uncle Jed. I can't see nothin' in it either.

Cousin: Beauty is only skin deep, son.
Jethro: Well, she must have awful deep skin.

Jethro: I was there in person when Granny slung her into the 6th row of seats.
Daisy: You know how I done that, boy? I put the Possum Ridge Paralyzer on her and then I give her the Bug Tussle Bounce.

Jethro: How 'bout some more of that white meat?
Milburn: That was my hand and keep away from it.

Mrs. Millicent Schuyler: You are in the 5th grade?
Jethro: Yes Ma'am, just finished three years in the 4th.

Jethro: Uncle Jed, appearances is the smallest part of Roto-Romance. True love depends on our cards.
Jed: I'd say you'd been dealt a losin' hand.

Jethrine: Ma gets a kick outa runnin' things.
Daisy: She's gonna get a kick that she ain't lookin' fer. I'm gonna boot her so hard that every time she sets down, she'll leave my footprints.

Jethro: My lips are sealed.
Jed: Only time your lips are sealed is when you got a mouthful of soup.

Jane: Shall I show you your bedroom suite?
Jethro: [thinking Miss Jane is flirting] Sure, darlin'.

Daisy: So I've decided to train one of you to carry on the traditions of the Hypocrite's oath.
Jethro: Well don't keep lookin' at me Granny. I decided I don't wanna be a brain surgeon. I wanna be a soda jerk.
Elly: And I wanna be a vetinin, I mean a vetininin, take care of critters.
Daisy: The choice is your's to make.
Elly: Thank you, Granny.
Jethro: Yeah, thanks Granny.
Daisy: And the choice is ta learn doctorin' er get took to the woodshed!

Jed: Granny, the boy has been thrown outta that tree a couple times on his head.
Jethro: It ain't just that I got to fight Elly up there in that treetop. She'll have her bobcat up there to help her, a raccoon and her possum and no tellin' what all.
Jed: There goes a little ape to join her side.
Jethro: Son of a gun can hang on with one hand and hit you with three!

Jethro: Oh boy, when she looks at me, I can feel it clean down to my toes!
First: No wonder. She ran over your foot.

Jethro: Uncle Jed, Granny, Looky here what I got. I just captured me the first prisoner.
Jed: Turn her loose!
Jethro: But she's one of the bank people! Maybe she can get our money for us.
Granny: Can you?
Janet: No I can't!
Jane: I can Jethro, capture me!

Jed: You used to tote her books to school.
Jethro: Oh, yeah, I used to call her Cupcake.
Jed: Cupcake?
Jethro: Sweetest thing I ever put my lips to.
Jed: Louellen was?
Jethro: No, the cupcakes she used to tote to school in her lunch box.

Jethro: You'll have to go back to your office, Elly May. This here is top secret stuff.
Elly: Okay nut nut.
Jethro: It's naught naught!

Jethro: Listen, Uncle Jed, can I get me a spy car?
Jed: What's a spy car?
Jethro: Oh, wait till you hear about that rascal! It's got a top that flies off and a seat that if you set in it, it throws you from here to yonder, and it drops oil on the road so a feller followin' you will skid, and it shoots out smoke so he can't see.
Jed: Sounds a heap like the truck.

Jane: Under my tutelage, you shall become an educated man of letters. Some day, I shall introduce you as Jethro Bodine, B.A, M.A, PHD.
Jethrine: Awful smart woman, but that ain't the way you spell Bodine.

Jethro: Doggone it, Uncle Jed, I bet you ol' Double Naught Seven wouldn't let nobody swat him on the seat of his britches and send him runnin' for beans and fatback.
Jed: Ol' Double Naught Seven ain't never run into Granny.

Daisy: Jethro! Save me!
Jethro: Okay Granny, quick as I finish eatin' these grits.

Jethro: Where you gonna sleep?
Daisy: I can sleep anyplace. I got a warm blanket, a loaded shotgun, and a full jug.

Milburn: [Presents Jed with a gift] With my compliments.
Jed: Well doggies! Would you look at that?... What is it?
Milburn: It's a genuine imported Oriental magic music maker.
Jethro: Hot dog! A Japanese transistor radio!

Jethro: Hey, wait a minute. Are you fixin' to give him my head?

Jane: Jethro, have you been upstairs yet?
Jethro: No Ma'am.
Jane: Then you have a surprise coming to you.
Jethro: What is it?
Jane: Your suite.
Jethro: So are you.

Jethro: What are you holdin' under the table, Uncle Jed?
Jed: None of your business, now get out.
Jethro: Why, you're polishin' your shoes! Hey Ma, Granny, Elly May, Uncle Jed's polishin' his shoes and it ain't even Sunday!

Jethro: Granny, the id's in the brain. I reckon that's where the word "idiot" comes from.

Gladys: What are your hobbies, Jethro?
Jethro: Oh, uh, eatin'... eatin'... yeah, eatin'.
Gladys: Well one of mine is cookin'.
Jethro: Really?
Gladys: Yes.
Jethro: Gladys, this could be the start of somethin' big.

Jethro: [reading Dash Riprock's notes] Let's make this our evening to remember.
Susie: Go jump in the lake.
Jethro: [reading Dash Riprock's notes] I'll be looking forward to it.

Jethro: Elly, you ain't been as fer in school as me. I've read whole books on the stuff and girls can't be knights.
Elly: Why not?
Jethro: Don't ask me. Ask King Arthur. The best you can be is a maiden or a damsel.

Jethro: With him bein' Mrs. Drysdale's Pa, if he were to marry Granny, would that make Mrs. Drysdale my Ma?
Jed: 'Course not, boy. Strictly speakin', Granny's not your granny, she's Elly's granny. Your Ma, who is my Cousin Pearl is Elly's great aunt on account of her Ma and my Pa was brother and sister and that makes us first cousins. Now I married Granny's daughter, so Pearl by marriage... that is to say, my Pa... well anyway I think yer a grand nephew.
Jethro: Thank you. I think you're a swell uncle too.

Dean: Will you please explain what this little woman wants?
Jethro: Yessir, she wants folks to call her a doctor.
Daisy: And it's high time too.
Dean: Indeed it is.
[picks up the phone]
Dean: Get me Dr. Neimeyer in Psychiatry.

Jethro: Every night, Anne Boleyn is rollin' her head up and down the halls. The whole palace sounds like a bowlin' alley.

Jethro: Lookout dragons, here I come, Yee Haw!

Lester: Oh the best durn soap is Granny's lye soap/It gets yer clothes much whiter/You can bet your hat it'll make dirt scat/And make your whole day brighter.

Jethro: Hey, you know that boat that was in the bottle?
Milburn: What do you mean, was?
Jethro: Well I got it out for ya.
Milburn: You didn't.
Jethro: Yes sir, it was easy. All I did was knock the bottom outta the bottle.

Daisy: [Jethro and Elly May try to restrain Granny] Ain't you got no respect? Can't you see I got one foot in my grave?
Jethro: No, but I can sure feel the other one in my stomach.
Elly: We dasn't let go, Granny. You'll go down and whomp Mrs. Drysdale.

Jethro: Uncle Jed, get a hold a yourself. I got some bad news for ya.
Jed: What is it, boy?
Jethro: I hope this ain't gonna break your heart, but I just gotta say it.
Jethro: Well come on, get it over with.
Jethro: Uncle Jed, I decided I ain't gonna be a brain surgeon.
Jed: Well I reckon I can bear up under that.

Daisy: Put down the vittles.
Jethro: They won't be safe.
Jed: Put em down boy.
[Jethro puts them down]
Jed: Now they's safe.

Jethro: Hot diggety dog! Is this ship our'n?
Daisy: No. I think it's wood.

Jethro: I wish they was here so they could help me unload the truck and fry up a pan of them karate chops.

Jethro: Wait till my real crystal ball gets here. I'll show you I can predict things, you dumb ol' turkey brain.
Elly: I predict somethin' right now. You're gonna get hit so hard, you're gonna have a 6-foot neck.

Elly: [Jethro leads in the horse Granny bought for Mrs. Drysdale] Now Ladybelle, if you gonna laugh, I'm gonna have to take you around back.
Jed: Who named this horse "Lightnin"?
Daisy: I did.
Jed: Granny, was you honestly fixin' to give this poor ol' animal to Mrs. Drysdale?
Daisy: What do you mean, poor ol' animal? All it needs is a little groomin' and some good food.
Jed: What'll it use to chew with?
Daisy: It's got teeth, hasn't it Jethro?
Jethro: Yes ma'am. One upper one lower.

Jethro: Uncle Jed, will you look at this? Ellie made me bullets for your rifle.
Elly: Them is lady fingers!

Mr. Brubaker: Have you heard anything from the police?
Jed: Well, no. For a while there, I was afraid Mrs. Drysdale next door was gonna call 'em, but we think we figured a way to keep her quiet. Jethro, you got that hole dug for Mrs. Drysdale?
Jethro: Yes sir, Uncle Jed.
Jed: Fine and dandy. We'll plant her as soon as we take car of Granny.

Jed: Forget for a minute that you're Elly May's cousin. Now speakin' as just a young feller, whose figure would you pick? Miss Jane's or Elly May's?
Jethro: Well, Miss Jane's.
Jed: Why?
Jethro: Heck fire, if I had Elly's figure, I'd look like a girl!

Jethro: How soon will this mess be ready, Granny?
Daisy: What did you call my vittles?
Jethro: Oh, that's military talk. When us officers eat, we call it a mess and this here is a mess hall.

Jethro: These are the last 2 jugs of moonshine in the root cellar, Granny. Can I have somethin' to eat now?
Daisy: What did you call that?
Jethro: Moonshine. Can I have somethin' to eat now? I'm starvin'.
Daisy: That is flu serum!
Jethro: Granny, that's corn squeezin's.
Daisy: You want somethin' to eat?
Jethro: Sure do.
Daisy: Then tell me agin what this is.
Jethro: Oh, that's flu serum.

Jethro: [Jethro is showing off his new outfit] This here was wore by Francis Drake.
Jed: Well it would look better on her.
Jethro: Francis Drake was a man, fightin' man, a sailor.
Jed: Any sailor runnin' around like that better be a fightin' man.

Jethro: Hi Elly, how do I look?
[Jethro is wearing a gladiator outfit]
Elly: You look like a big dumb nut.

Colonel: Jethro,fortunately we take into consideration the amount of formal education a boy has had, and we grade on the curve, so you are eligible to join.
Jethro: Hey, that's swell!
Colonel: However, before I administer the oath, there are a couple of things I'd like to discuss with you.
Jethro: Yes, sir?
Colonel: Now, let's take your application, you're going to be filling out a lot of other forms and I want to give you a tip.
Jethro: Thank ya!
Colonel: Name, address, date of birth, that's okay, but Jethro, where it says sex: write 'male', not 'oh, boy!'
Jethro: [Embarrassed] I'm sorry.

Jed: Now Granny, you do the right thing and take this horse back where you bought it.
Daisy: I don't think they'll take it back. It was on sale.
Jethro: Yeah, 175 dollars.
Jed: For this critter?
Jethro: No sir, for the buggy. They threw in the horse for free.

Jethro: When Granny says somethin's gonna happen, it happens.
Dr. Eugene Twombly: Sounds like she has remarkable powers.
Jethro: Strongest little woman you ever did see.
Dr. Eugene Twombly: I meant clairvoyant powers. Would you say she's a medium?
Jethro: No sir. I'd say she's a small. She's strong as a medium and if she ever took a switch to you, you'd know it.
Dr. Eugene Twombly: Has she ever taken a switch to you?
Jethro: She sure has, whoo-oo!
Dr. Eugene Twombly: And you stood for it?
Jethro: Last time, I stood for purt near two days.

Linda: You seem low.
Jethro: That's cuz I'm sittin' down.

Jethro: That was Mrs. Drysdale. She says that she's gonna throw Granny's soap kettle into the ce-ment pond. Let's go watch the fun, Elly.

Jethro: As long as your workin' on the shoes, would you mind hollowin' out the heel so I can put a little radio in it?
Jed: A radio in the heel of your shoe?
Jethro: Yes sir, that's where Double Naught Seven carries his.
Jed: That seems like a mighty unhandy place to carry it. Why don't he just carry it in his pocket?
Jethro: Well he... I can't tell you that.
Jed: Secret, huh?
Jethro: No sir, I just ain't sure.

Jed: Can't you see she's just usin' you to get what she wants. She's the most willful headstrong spoiled-rotten woman that...
Jethro: Uncle Jed, I'll have to ask you not to talk that way about the woman that I'm going to marry.

Daisy: These are the soft gentle hands of a healer.
Jethro: They is about as soft as a gator's hide!

Jethro: [Mr. Drysdale hurt himself when he bent over to pick up the ball] Your sacroiliac again?
Elly: Yes. Get me home quick before Granny tries to doctor me.

Jed: Miss Jane is comin' out here today with the Beverly Hills Nest of The Biddle Birdwatchers. Why don't you meet some of them girls?
Jethro: Uncle Jed, you ever seen any of them birdwatchers? Heck fire, I'd just as soon look at the birds.

Jethro: Aw gee, y'all treat me like I'm a kid! I'm a graduate of the 6th grade!

Jethro: How do I love thee, let me cypher the ways.

Jethro: We ain't gonna make it to the woods back home. With the gas we got, we'll be doin' good if we get outside the city limits.
Jed: How far can we go?
Jethro: Beats me. We is runnin' on wishful thinkin' right now.
Jed: You better find the first, big, thick, green woods you can.
[engine starts to sputter]
Jed: First place you see more than two trees together, pull over.

Jed: What we gonna do about Mr. Lester?
Jethro: Yeah, suppose he's still sleepin' when we is ready to start out.
Daisy: We'll just lay him out front on the grass.
Jed: On the grass, with rheumatiz?
Daisy: I'll leave a jug alongside of him. For a week or so, he won't care *where* he is.

Jethro: There's somethin' I'm gonna need right away and that's iron for my hat.
Jed: Iron for your hat?
Jethro: Yes sir. There was this fella in the movie that had a iron hat. He kept throwin' it at Double Naught Seven.
Jed: What fer?
Jethro: Tryin' to kill him.
Jed: Why didn't he just shoot him?
Jethro: I can't tell you that neither.

Jethro: Uncle Jed, I almost hated to gradiate. I was a real BMOC.
Jed: A what.
Jethro: Well that stands for Big Man on Campus. As a matter of fact, I was a OMOC, Only Man on Campus.

Jethro: Hey, wait a minute, Dash. I gotta talk to you.
Dash: Later, Jethro.
Jethro: Can't wait! I gotta talk to you right now!
Elly: Dash, I'll fix you up some donuts.
Dash: You heard her, I gotta get outta here.

Marvin: [Marvo performs a disappearing bowl trick with Jethro as his assistant] Gone, vanished.
Jethro: No it ain't Mr. Marvo. Here it is under this here tray.

Jethro: That ain't red gravy, that's what you call marijuana sauce.

Jethro: I'm killin' myself.
Jed: When?
Jethro: Right now.
Jed: How are you doin' it?
Jethro: I'm starvin to death.
Daisy: Starvin' to death?
Jethro: Yes ma'am. I ain't had no vittles all day. Another few minutes and I'll be dead.

Jed: You know any good fishin' bridges, Jethro?
Jethro: Only bridge I know goes over the Los Angeles river.
Daisy: Ain't nothin' like a river for catfish. Let's get goin'.
Jethro: Wasn't much water in it last time we was there.
Jed: Maybe the beavers had it dammed up.
Elly: If'n they still there, can I bring home a beaver?

Jethro: Who's the patient?
Daisy: His name is Fairchild.
Jethro: Okay... Hey, wait a minute. You mean Elly's bear?
Daisy: That's right. I gotta remove a letter out of his stomach.
Jethro: I ain't gonna hold down a bear while you whittle on him!

Lafayette: Let's have no more of this runnin' after other girls. Ain't no boy can love two girls.
Jethro: That leaves Essiebelle out. She's about two girls and a half.
Daisy: Mind your tongue, Jethro. You take a girl for better or worse when you marry her.
Jethro: Yeah, but she got worse before I got married.

Jed: When Mrs. Drysdale gets home she's gonna call the PO-lice!
Jethro: No she won't. I gnawed the stump so it'd look like a BEAVER done it!

Jane: I'm taking a bikini to Palm Springs.
Jethrine: Is that faster than a train?
Jane: Jethro, you dear naive boy, you shall see when we go swimming. You Tarzan, me Jane.
Jethrine: No Ma'am, I'm Jethro Bodine.

Shorty: Congratulate me, Jethro. I'm marryin' into your family.
Jethro: Is that true, Uncle Jed?
Jed: It sure is. Shorty put it on paper and slipped it under his lady love's door. Congratulations Shorty, Granny's gonna make you a dandy wife.
Shorty: D-D-Did he say G-G-Granny?
Jethro: That's what he said.
Shorty: Oh Lordy! I slipped it under the wrong d-d-do, I blew it.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: You wouldn't want to miss the honor of being queen.
Daisy: It ain't just the honor, why there's a fortune in prizes, startin' with the weighin' in ceremony.
Jed: First off, the queen gets her wight in possums.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: How exciting.
Daisy: And that ain't all. Then comes the lettin' out ceremony.
Jed: On Possum Day, all the prisoners gets let outta jail.
Daisy: And from then on, its just one big to-do after another.
Jed: Mule-shoein' contest.
Elly: Mud wrasslin' and rock thowin'.
Jethro: Crawdad-eatin' contest.
Daisy: Prizes for the longest hair and the biggest feet.
Jed: Keep talkin' like that and Mrs. Drysdale will hop right on and go with us. Ain't that right, Mrs. Drysdale?

Daisy: Take this down to the truck and don't let nobody know what we're doin'.
Jethro: That'll be easy. I don't know, myself.
Daisy: We're gonna find that Goodbody goomer before he gets on the operatin' table tomorrow.
Jethro: How come we have to keep it a secret?
Daisy: Cause even after seein' what the new miracle drugs like newt eggs and wahoo bark can do, there's still folks that won't accept modern medicine.

Sheldon: Easy, Clyde, that's a masterpiece! They'll be digging that a hundred years from now.
Jethro: Not where I'm gonna bury it.

Jed: [In front of Grauman's Chinese Theatre] Somebody has sure gone and messed up this poor man's ceement.
Jethro: Looks like there was a whole bunch of 'em.
Jethro: Bold rascals too. Wasn't enough to go tromping through it with their feet, they had to stick their hands in it too and write their names!

Jethro: The only thing I know is that them rascals is sure hard to kill. After you shoot 'em, you gotta club 'em.

Jethro: Hey wait, Debbie! You 'n me can still be sweethearts.
Debbie: Get lost, Jerky!
Jethro: It's Bodine now.
Debbie: To me, you'll always be Jerky.

Mr. Pinckney: Where are my quarters?
Jethro: Forget it. Granny says no tippin'.

Jethro: Where we goin', Granny?
Daisy: To that greedy college.
Jethro: I think it's Greely.
Daisy: I think it's greedy... and as long as it is, I'm gonna buy me one of them half-hour doctor certificates.
Jethro: Hey Granny, how about buyin' me one to be a brain surgeon?
Daisy: I'll price it.

Daisy: I gotta run over and check on Mr. Drysdale. I'm doctorin' him for a bad case of the flu.
Jethro: Has he got the Hong Kong strain?
Daisy: No, I don't think he strained his hong kong.
Jethro: You're some doctor. You don't even know what the Hong Kong strain is.
Daisy: Changed your mind about eatin', huh?

Jethro: Hey Elly, get away from that bull!
Elly: Ain't he cute, Jethro. I'm gonna call him Marvin.

Jethro: I need to talk to you. I got trouble.
Jed: What kind of trouble?
Jethro: Girl trouble.
Jed: What kind of girl trouble?
Jethro: The worst kind. I ain't got one.

Milburn: Allow me to present you with this box of cigars.
Jed: Well thank you. What's the occasion?
Milburn: Wait till you hear. Now, listen to this: Mr. Clampett, at this moment, you have now got $90 million.
Jethro: [Jethro enters] Howdy Mr. Drysdale.
Milburn: Jethro
Jed: Hey, Jethro, guess what I got?
Jethro: What?
Jed: A box of cigars.

Jethro: This is goodbye, Uncle Jed,
Jed: Goodbye, boy.
Jethro: We won't meet again 'til you see me on the other side.
Jed: Other side of what?
Jethro: The table. I'll be home for supper.

Jethro: [Jed just lit two matches with one bullet] The bullet bounced off the wall and got 'em both. What do we shoot at now, Uncle Jed?
Jed: Well, let's smear a dab of sorghum on the wall and commence to pickin' off flies.

Jethro: Uncle Jed, if Granny marries Sam Drucker and he totes her off to Hooterville, you and me is goin' to starve to death. That's a terrible way to go.
Daisy: Elly has cooked some vittles.
Jethro: That's a even worse way to go.

Jethro: Mrs. Drysdale even hired us.
Jed: To do what?
Jethro: Stay away.

Jethro: [Jed has given Jethro a letter to take to the bank] Hot diggity dog! I'ma carry this down to the bank, and I'ma carry me a girl back!
Jed: Whoa, whoa! It ain't as simple as all that. Even if you *should* find the right girl, you gotta make courtin' talk with her.
Jethro: I do?
Jed: Why, of course!
Jethro: Well, Uncle Jed, how do you make courtin' talk?
Jed: Well... ya gotta kinda sidle into it, like, you start off with, uh, 'Nice day, ain't it?' Then you work around to where it looks like gonna be a nice night, for a walk, or a drive, or dance. Of course, along the way, ya gotta throw in a couple of 'My, ain't you pretty's', and, uh, 'I bet you're a dandy dancer.' What do you think about that?
Jethro: I catch on now, Uncle Jed!
Jed: All right, boy, ya got enough to get ya started.
Jethro: Yes, sir. Yee-haw!
[Jethro runs out]
Jed: Some girl is in for a *mighty* spirited courtship!

Jed: And now she's crazy mad in love with you, huh?
Jethro: Is she ever!. Why all the way home, she kept tryin' to get me to drive to some out-of-the-way place so we could be alone.
Jed: No foolin'.
Jethro: Yeah. Kept askin' me to get lost.

Jane: [wearing a blonde wig] Jethro, I have found that the intellectual approach has a limited appeal, romantically speaking, so I have decided to become a glamour girl. What do you think of the idea?
Jethro: Well, I think it's swell.
Jane: Thank you.
Jethro: When ya gonna start?

Elly: What's that about my new maid?
Jethro: Jethro's enamored of her.
Daisy: Oh no ma'am! He likes her a heap.

Shorty: Jethro, am I glad to see you!
Jethro: Did you chop all this wood, Shorty?
Shorty: Every stick of it. Granny's been holding that shotgun on me for 2 hours, makin' me work my fool head off. Will you take over?
Jethro: Sure
[takes Granny's shotgun]
Jethro: I'll watch him, Granny.
Daisy: If he makes a break for it, give him both barrels.

Daisy: Aaaa! Elly May's drownin' my hawg! Quick, Jethro, jump in and pull him out! Give him mouth-to-mouth ressitation!
Jethro: [the hippo opens its jaws and growls] I ain't gettin' close to them jowls till they's on a plate.

Daisy: You mean to say that you spent my vittles money on a movie?
Jethro: Well I spent some of the money on vittles, there was boxes of popcorn, a half a dozen candy bars, and a couple of giant orange drinks.
Daisy: [to Jed] Are you gonna hickory switch him or am I?
Jethro: Ain't nobody gonna hickory switch me.
Daisy: What did you say?
Jethro: Double naught spies don't get switched. Pert near cut in two by death rays, handcuffed to atom bombs, have iron hats throwed at 'em, but they wouldn't hold still for switchin'.

Jethro: [from the top of the stairs] Hey Uncle Jed, there's a whole 'nother house up here!
Jed: Jethro, come down from there. That probably belongs to someone else.

Elly: There ain't gonna be no sausages, cuz this here is a hippopotamus.
Jethro: It might be a hippopotamus now, but it's comin' outta that sausage grinder a hawg.

Jethro: [as Leo Durocher is about to hit a golf ball] Whomp it Mr. Durocher!

Shorty: What time is the party supposed to commence?
Jethro: 8 o'clock. Mr. Drysdale said it might last all night.
Shorty: Doggone, I wish this was the north pole. Up there, the nights are 3 months long.

Elly: Yonder's the statue of Daniel Webster.
Jed: He must be a pretty famous fellow, Jethro.
Jethro: Oh, heck yeah. There's a whole book wrote about him. It's called a dictionary.

Jethro: Will y'all stop worryin'. You're travellin' with an educated man.
Elly: You only gradiated 6th grade.
Jed: Elly, you can't fault twelve years of schoolin'.

Jethro: Hey, watch them horns! I don't want you rippin' my fancy britches. Ow! You stepped on my toe!

Milburn: [astonished at the Clampett's shooting abilities] I have never seen such marksmanship! Why, with any one of you as my teammate I can win tomorrow!
Jethro: I'll shoot with ya, Mr. Drysdale!
Daisy: *I'll* shoot with ya, Mr. Drysdale!
Milburn: Well thank you, but you see, my teammate has to be someone who works at the bank. And since Mr. Clampett here just happens to be my vice president...
Jed: Shore was a stroke'a luck fer me to git that job just in time to shoot with ya!
Jane: [dripping with sarcastic cynicism] *Almost* as if it were planned.
[Drysdale gets pained look on face]

Jed: If that's paint on that table, you'd better move and fast.
Jethro: We had to use the table, Uncle Jed. This pointer needs a flat smooth surface.
Jed: When Granny sees that paint, she'll put that kind of finish on the seat of your pants.

Jethro: How come she don't make no more movies?
Jed: Well Jethro, I understand that's the show business. One day, you're livin' high on the hog, next day you're down to wearin' a cat-skin coat.

Jed: Ain't a gorilla a critter?
Jethro: Well, yeah. Except he's smarter than most. Purty near as smart as me.
Jed: Do tell.
Jethro: Pretty near as big as me too, and can work like me.
Daisy: Well, if he eats like you, forget it. I ain't cookin' for another table buzzard.

Jethro: I'm gonna have me a double helpin' of them steamed saunas. I'm hungry.

Jed: Turn ol' Duke loose so he can go in there and protect Elly.
Sonny: Now we'll practice diction and intonation at the same time. How now, brown cow. How now, brown cow.
Jethro: What's he talkin' about?
Jed: He thinks ol' Duke is a cow. You best fetch Granny. It appears to be she threw too strong a charm on that boy.

Jed: I'll need about 5 minutes with Mr. Drysdale. You wanna come up and visit with Miss Jane?
Jethro: No thanks Uncle Jed. She always looks at me so funny. Kind a like a...
Jed: ...hungry hound lookin' in a butcher's window?

Jethro: I'm goin' back to bein' a brain surgeon.
Jed: How come you kept the suit?
Jethro: I'm gonna be workin' mostly around bull rings
Jed: Lot of call for brain surgeon in there.
Jethro: They's gotta be Uncle Jed. Anybody that fights bulls for a livin' needs a lot of work on his brain.

Jed: Whatcha doin'. boy?
Jethro: Learnin' this ol' hound dog to fetch sticks.
Jed: Seems to me you been at that about 10 years now.
Jethro: Yeah, I reckon he's just too dumb.
Jed: He's just too smart.
Jethro: Whatcha mean?
Jed: What do Duke want with sticks? He ain't no beaver.
Jethro: But other dogs fetch sticks.
Jed: That's their problem. Duke's got you to do it fer him.