Top 20 Quotes From M.E. Sidney Perlmutter

M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: Cause of death was cerebral hemorrhaging, as expected.
Kate: Any way to estimate the height of the attacker based on the angle of the blows?
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: Normally, yes, but in this case your attacker's first swing landed a little south of his head.
Kate: How far south?
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: Ehhh... Enough to make him a soprano.
Richard: Oh! Should have worn a cup.

[finding Castle in the morgue]
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: What are you... You're looking at my victim's chart!
Richard: Well, I'm just making sure you filled it out properly. And may I say, for a man, you have exquisite handwriting.
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: Oh. Give it back!
[Perlmutter chases him around the table]
Richard: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Look, look, look... You could make this a lot easier on me, Perlmutter.
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: Oh, because that's what I live for.
[Perlmutter chases him around the table again]
Richard: I just believe that your victim traveled somewhere before she died. Is there anything in the autopsy that indicates where?
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: I-I would rather switch places with her than tell you. Now, now give me that!
[Perlmutter chases him around the table a third time]
Richard: Hey...
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: I am warning you, Castle...
Richard: Here it is.
[reading]
Richard: "Stomach contents. Two ounces of peanuts, partially digested pretzels, blood contains trace amounts of over-the-counter sedative." She was on a plane. She flew somewhere. Thanks for your help.
[leaves quickly]
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: This isn't over!
[answers phone]
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: What?
Kate: It's Beckett. We're trying to explain some anomalies in our victim's financial records. Are there any signs that she traveled recently?
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: Well, as a matter of fact I was just discussing that with the *writer* you married!

Richard: Perlmutter! Good to see you.
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: Ah! If only the feeling were mutual.

Kate: Hey.
M.E. Perlmutter: Well, hello, Captain. I'm- I'm glad you're around. I've been meaning to say how proud I am of you.
Kate: Oh.
[chuckles]
Kate: For what?
M.E. Perlmutter: For breaking up with Mr. Castle, of course. Now you're free to meet a man who can *really* appreciate you.
Kate: Um...
M.E. Perlmutter: Like my brother, Edgar.
Kate: Your, uh, brother?
M.E. Perlmutter: My identical twin.
Kate: Oh. There's two of you?
M.E. Perlmutter: I'd be happy to introduce you...
Kate: Yeah, no. Uh, no. But, uh, thank you, Perlmutter. It's just that I'm- I'm not quite ready to date right now.

[in the morgue where Perlmutter is eating his lunch]
Richard: You sure it's sanitary to be... eating here?
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: You know the strength of the disinfectants we use here? This is the cleanest room in the city.
[Perlmutter offers half his sandwich]
Richard: I couldn't.
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: Homemade.
Richard: I *couldn't*.

[Ryan and Esposito enter the morgue]
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: Ugh. The "B" team.
Javier: Talk about the "B" team.
Kevin: Yeah.
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: I had hoped to see Castle's look of dismay when I told him cause of death was nothing more exotic than blunt-force trauma to the cranium... And, it-it seems that she was clobbered over the head with a club or a pipe.
Javier: You could've said so over the phone.
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: Ah, but I also made two highly intriguing discoveries.
Kevin: About the wounds on her face?
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: Er, well, their cause is still undetermined, but of far greater interest is the fact...
Kevin: Because it could be claw marks...
[to Esposito]
Kevin: Bigfoot has claws.
Javier: So does Wolverine. Is he real?
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: Are you done?

M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: [Beckett is surprised to see Perlmutter in the emergency room] I'll have you know I am perfectly capable of treating living patients. I simply prefer not to.

M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: Uh, let me caution you. This is not for the faint of heart.
[uncovers victim]
Richard: For once, I agree with you.
Kate: [sighs] What did this to her?
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: Could be anything from a crowbar to a box cutter. But they look like claw marks. I just can't tell what kind.
Richard: If it was an animal, wouldn't there be bite marks?
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: I might not find them until I do a complete exam and determine the exact cause of death.
Kate: Given the fact that we don't have a crime scene, is there any indication of where she was attacked?
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: No, but, uh, I can tell you when. Based on the inflammation, I'd say the victim sustained her injuries five to six hours before she died.
Kate: While we figure out who she is, we'll find out how she wound up this way.

M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: Given the amount of decomposition, I'd say she was killed about two days ago.
Kevin: Any chance you can narrow that down for us?
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: Any chance I can get her to the lab first?

Kevin: Victim is Shana Baker. According to her pay stub, she worked at Eastbourne Preschool. Point of entry is a window in her bedroom. Somebody broke the glass.
Kate: She would've heard that, and based on her body position, it doesn't look like she was trying to run away.
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: No, she wasn't. No signs of defensive wounds or struggle. Just a single gunshot to the chest.
Kate: Which means our killer was in here when she came home.
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: How a woman so astute could *choose* to marry Castle.
Kevin: Ah, come on, Perlmutter, admit it. You miss him, too.
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: Please. Just knowing he's not gonna be here makes coming to work sheer bliss.
[laughs]
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: All things considered.

Kate: Hey, Perlmutter. So, tell me about our victim.
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: Detective Beckett, so pleasant to see you.
Kate: Thank you.
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: And not see Castle.

Kate: So, do you have a cause of death?
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: It was a burn. A burn that penetrated tissue, muscle, and bone, leaving this perfectly cylindrical hole.
Kate: Well, what kind of burn does that?
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: Well, one created by high levels of infrared radiation. The blood vessels were *cauterized* by the intense heat.
Kate: Are you saying...
Richard: She was killed by a phaser?
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: [hesitant] Well, as much as it pains me, Mr. Castle is... largely correct. She was killed by a high intensity laser beam.
Richard: A real sci-fi murder
[lowered voice]
Richard: at a sci-fi convention. This keeps getting better!

Kevin: How you doing, Dr. Perlmutter?
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: Shh. The body is speaking.
Javier: What's it saying?
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: It's saying "Someone *shot* me." One to the mid-section, .38. Maybe even a .45. He was shot at close range and from behind.
Javier: That's cold.
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: Yeah, well, that's the living for you.

Richard: You don't know what killed her.
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: I wouldn't say that.
Richard: Do you have a theory?
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: Not at the present time.
Richard: That means you don't know. That means you don't know. And the only explanation is that Val faced something so scary, it stopped her heart and froze her *face* in the last expression she had. Terror. Admit it.
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: All I'll say, Mr. Castle, is that, for now, cause of death is unknown.
Richard: Unknown. Hear that?
[he pulls out his wallet and fumbles with a piece of paper]
Richard: Not good.
Kate: What are you doing?
Richard: Checking my bucket list. See how many things I can get done in two days. Can either one of you introduce me to Bill Shatner?

Richard: Look at what she was researching here. "How to keep away evil", "How to ward off evil spirits."
[holds up a book]
Richard: A book on urban legends. Over by the door, horseshoes. I clocked two Indian wood chimes, there and there. These are things used to ward off evil spirits. Like Perlmutter.
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: I heard that.

Richard: Seriously, Beckett, do you have any idea what this means? We're about to be the first people in the nation, no, the *world*, to solve a Bigfoot murder.
Kate: Very funny, Castle, but there is no such thing as Bigfoot.
Richard: Tell that to the people who've been sighting him for 400 years.
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: [approaching] So, I typed the blood. It's a match to our victim.
Richard: Never mind the blood. What is your opinion on these?
[gestures to giant footprints]
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: Professionally, I can't speculate what those are, Mr. Castle. But personally, I can say that anyone who believes in Bigfoot is an ass.
Richard: Well, that is a common assertion amongst the uninformed.

M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: Ah, Detective Beckett... and Defective Castle.

Kate: Is that a snake hook?
Javier: Yep. Looks like our victim was bludgeoned to death with it.
Kate: Okay. Who's the victim?
Javier: Uh, we're not a hundred percent sure yet.
Kevin: The zoo supervisor *thinks* that it's Eddie Ramirez, the nighttime animal caretaker. If it is, then he's an El Salvador native who's lived in the States for the past few years...
Kate: Yeah, um, I'm sorry. I, uh, can we go back? Why are you having trouble ID'ing the victim?
Javier: We can't positively ID the victim yet, because... the killer tossed his body into...
M.E. Perlmutter: A pit filled with deadly snakes.
Kate: Okay. Well that's a... first.

Richard: Wow. She looks like she's been scared to death. Literally.
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: Is that based on your *vast* medical experience, Mr. Castle?
Richard: No. Based on the fact she looks like an Edvard Munch painting. Really freaky.

[examining the victim]
Richard: Looks like she was stabbed with a knife.
Kate: Mmm.
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: To the untrained eye, perhaps. But... what you don't know about postmortem analysis could fill a book, Mr. Castle. In fact, it has. Numerous times.
Richard: Fine. So, it was not a knife.
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: Ah, wrong again. It was a knife, but "stabbed" implies the blade was *thrust* into the victim, uh, whereas this wound was produced by it being *hurled* into her chest.
Kate: What is this, "Last of the Mohicans"? What kind of knife is it?
M.E. Sidney Perlmutter: Uh, one with a hilt that matches these small bruises on either side of the wound. It killed her instantly, severing the left anterior descending artery.
Kate: Okay, so either that's the luckiest knife toss in the world...
Richard: Or, she was killed by a circus knife-thrower. Like the Great Throwdini.
[Perlmutter sighs wearily and walks away]