The Best Michael C. Maronna Quotes

Tagger: [after being arrested in the bathroom] I want my pants!
Detective: Why, Dale? I don't see anything here worth covering up.

Kevin: [apprehensively] I made my family disappear.
[thinks back to family members saying bad things about him]
Megan: Kevin, you're completely helpless!
Linnie: You know, Kevin, you're what the French call "les incompetents".
Buzz: Kevin, I'm going to feed you to my tarantula.
Jeff: Kevin, you are *such* a *disease*!
Kate: There are fifteen people in this house and you're the only one who has to make trouble.
Frank: Look what you *did*, you little *jerk*.
Kevin: [gleefully] I made my family disappear.

Aunt: [At the airport, awaiting luggage] Give this to Kevin.
Tracy: Give this to Kevin.
Linnie: Kevin.
Buzz: Give this to Kevin.
Rod: Give this to Kevin.
Sondra: Give this to Kevin.
Megan: Give this to Kevin.
Jeff: Give this to Kevin.
Brooke: Give this to Kevin.
Fuller: Here you go, Kevin.
[startled when he sees an elderly couple, then hands bag back]

Kevin: I went shopping yesterday.
Jeff: You? Shopping?
Kevin: I got you milk, eggs, and fabric softener.
Peter: No kidding. What a funny guy. What else did you do while we were away?
Kevin: Just hung around.
Buzz: He went shopping? He doesn't know how to tie his shoe and he's going shopping!

Kate: Kevin, get upstairs right now.
Kevin: Why?
Jeff: Kevin, you're such a disease.
Kevin: Shut up.
Peter: Kevin, upstairs.
Kate: Say good night, Kevin.
Kevin: "Good night, Kevin."

Brooke: [passing Kevin's bag back down the line] Kevin's not here.
Jeff: Kevin's not here.
Megan: Kevin's not here.
Sondra: Kevin's not here.
Rod: Kevin's not here.
Linnie: Kevin's not here.
Tracy: Kevin's not here.
Aunt: Kevin's not here.
Kate: Kevin's not here.
Peter: WHAT?
Kate: [laughing, then surprised] KEVIN!
[faints]