100 Best Catherine O'Hara Quotes

Delia: This is my art, and it is dangerous! Do you think I want to die like this?

Moira: I'm starting to get keyed up about this prospect of a mother-daughter power team. A modern day Judy and Lorna.
Alexis: I don't know who that is.

Moira: May... may I just proclaim that I have rarely... never, I've never felt more buttress than I have in your company, dear gals. Not to flog a metaphor, but wolf pups are born blind and deaf, and in your care I have learned to see and hear the beauty of the bucolic. Oh, no. No, let's not turn this into a Hallmark movie of the week. I've done enough of those for a lifetime. Okay?

Johnny: You know, I was a little worried about the menorah being so close to the garland. The last thing we want is for the motel to burn down.
Moira: Or is it?
Johnny: What?

Johnny: [yelling] Alexis! Alexis! David!
Moira: They're not going to come.
Johnny: [raising his voice] Well, how widespread IS that news?
[waits a few seconds]
Johnny: Talk about salacious!
Moira: [shakes head, smirking, and raises her voice] He cut off his WHAT?
[Alexis and David appear instantly]

Alexis: They weren't wild crows, they were supposed to be trained.
Moira: Trained? Some of them were painted seagulls.

Kevin: Everyone in this family *hates* me!
Kate: Then maybe you should ask Santa for a new family.
Kevin: I don't want another family. I don't want any family. Families suck!
Kate: Just stay up there. I don't want to see you again for the rest of the night.
Kevin: *I* don't want to see you again for the rest of my whole life. And I don't want to see anybody else either.
Kate: [softly] I hope you don't mean that. You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family.
Kevin: No, I wouldn't.
Kate: Then say it again. Maybe it will happen.
Kevin: I hope that I never see any of you jerks again!

Stevie: [Knocks on Johnny and Moira's door] Mr. Rose, there's a dead body in room 4
Johnny: Stevie come in!
Johnny: I don't think that's a very relevant question, Moira. I mean we can't have people finding out that there's a dead body in the room
Alexis: Ooh!
Alexis: There's a dead body in the room?
David: I knew there was going to be a murder here so I'm just going to pack up and I assume we're moving out?
Johnny: No, we're not moving out and everybody calm down. There hasn't been a murder here
Stevie: The old man in room 4 died alone in his sleep.
David: Why do I find that scenario to be even more bone-chilling than murder?
Moira: Stevie, do we know how this man expired?
Stevie: Do I look like a coroner?
Alexis: I don't think you want that question to be answered.

Johnny: Well, I suppose I should let you both know that there's been a slight change of plans. As you've heard, your mother is going back to work. And we'll be heading to California. Now, I've I made some calls, and I'll be setting up shop out west for the time being.
Alexis: Ooh, so it's just David and me going to New York then?
David: Um... I have something to say.
Moira: The wedding's off.
David: No. The wedding is not... Why would the wedding be off? Patrick found us a house.
Alexis: Okay, I don't know how we'd be able to afford a house.
David: The house is here. I think we're going to stay.
Alexis: What?
Moira: David, are sure you've given this sentencing adequate deliberation?
David: I just don't think I'm finished with this place. My business is here. My husband is here. And I'm just not ready to mess that up... just yet. I'm sorry I said I would share a place with you.
Johnny: So does this mean you'll be coming with us, Alexis?
Alexis: Um, no. I think it means that I'm gonna be flying solo to New York. I've done it before, and I can do it again.
Moira: You take that ember of independence and you keep it burning. Because you, my darling, are destined to be on fire!
Johnny: Well, I could not be more proud of my family than I am right now. And as much as I'll miss this... being together, at least I can go to sleep knowing we're all gonna be okay.
David: So when are you leaving?
Moira: September 3rd.
David: That's my wedding day!
Moira: And we're tied to the third?
Johnny: Oh Moira...
David: Am I tied to the third?
Johnny: Of course, you're getting married on the third, David! Moira, we can leave first thing the next morning.
Moira: Yes. We will, John. It's just worth noting that the lie-flat seats were only on the evening flight.
Johnny: Moira.
Moira: It's okay.
David: Unbelievable!

Paul: I have had a terrible, terrible night. Do you understand?
Gail: I'm just trying to entertain you.
Paul: I don't want any entertainment! And, I'm sorry I did that. I'm sorry. I am under - oh God, I - I'm unable to get home tonight, you know. I can't get home.

Ghoul: [laughing] You're not scared, are you?
Geraldine: Who's there?
Ghoul: [walks up with a hole in his chest] Hell, this ain't scary. Scary is not being able to get a pacemaker because you sued the company into bankruptcy, and then having to spend my life savings on surgeries and stuff.
Ghoul: Or *dying* because you can't afford a doctor, because the doctor has to charge so much to pay for his malpractice insurance.
Geraldine: Who are you? What do you want?
Ghoul: Oh, a pound of flesh will do!
[laughs]

Moira: David, what you did was impulsive, capricious, and melodramatic but it was also wrong.

Moira: These rooms did have doors, didn't they?
Johnny: Yeah, it's a hotel. They're hotel rooms.
David: It's a motel. These are motel rooms.
Alexis: What if they took our stuff?
David: What stuff? There's no stuff to take.
Moira: I have stuff.
Johnny: [giving the door jamb a once-over] Son of a bitch!

Johnny: Roland and Jocelyn think we can't take care of a kid.
Moira: That's an argument I'm willing to lose.

Moira: [reading magazine] Oh there's a woman in here who couldn't afford a Persian rug, so she painted one on her tiled floor. The magazine is celebrating her ingenuity.
Johnny: Well, sounds like a creative solution.
Moira: A creative solution would be a lobotomy to make one forget they liked nice things.

David: Stevie!
Stevie: I'm sorry I'm late. I went to Almdale and got stuck in traffic.
Jocelyn: Stevie! Thank god you're here!
David: I'm sorry. I never should have told you!
Stevie: No! Patrick gave me his blessing to pick something up. I hate driving to Almdale I could have done this any other time this week but I will yell at Patrick later.
David: I thought you were upset?
Stevie: These are for you. Soon you'll be moving in with Patrick and I won't be around to give you towels when you need them.
David: Thank you. I love the monogram and the thread colour choice. I love you in this outfit!
Stevie: Hey! Pretty soon you're going to be a married man. Oh! Mrs. Rose, Were you planning on taking my place?
Moira: No, I was just here to offer support. Excuse me I'll just go.
[Weeping]
David: Good luck!

Moira: Equality. Freedom. Marriage. These are the rights of every community, and even more specifically... the business community. No faction of society deserves to be discriminated against, especially women who are in the business faction. One of my top priorities will be to... to change people's misguided and ignorant perceptions of women like you. You did not choose this life. No, each one of you... was born to be... an entrepreneur.

David: [smiling] Oh my god!
Alexis: Oh my god! This is not cool. What are you two doing here?
Johnny: I don't care what kind of snarky comments you kids are going to make, we're all going to dance together as a family.
Moira: I just want to say that! I just want to say that...
Johnny: Well, just say it, Moira!
Moira: We love you both very much!
Alexis: [Touched] I love you too!
David: [Hesitating] I love you too!

Johnny: Where did Alexis go?
David: She went out for a run. She said that she has big changes coming in her life.
Johnny: Yes, I should say so?
David: Why are you waving a thermometer in my face?
Johnny: It's a pregnancy test.
David: Ooh! What?
Johnny: It's a smiley face so I'm assuming it's a positive result?
Moira: Are we 100% sure that it's hers?
Johnny: Well, it's 100% sure it's somebodys!
David: Come to think of it Alexis has had some ups and downs but I chalked that up to her personal life is a steaming bowl of...
David: [Short pause] Someone needs to talk to her!
Moira: I'll talk to her. Yes, I'll tell her that she has no right to put this financial and emotional burden ON US!
Johnny: Maybe I'll talk to her?
Moira: Now she'll have to move into one of those homes for unwed mothers?
David: Can you imagine?
Johnny: Moira that's not going to happen.
Moira: I'm sure there are those on this side of the tracks. Let the nuns care for the little ones!
Johnny: What Alexis needs now is to feel supported by her family.
David: Okay. I'll say it. I am not in a space right now to care for a baby.
Johnny: You know I'm disappointed in you David. You spend a lot of time with Alexis the least you could have done is do a better job of protecting her.
David: Okay! I'm sorry that I'm not a condom!
Moira: [Screaming at the top of her lungs] I knew this would happen. God help us all!

David: So, I wanted to talk to you guys about... oh.my.god!
Johnny: I know! We're still trying to find a place to hang it!
David: Did it grow? Can you cover it up with something?
Moira: I tried. The sheets don't fit.
Johnny: Can we help you son?
David: I just wanted to tell you that Patrick and I will be launching the store on Friday.
Johnny: Great news! A grand opening.
David: We're doing more of a soft launch.
Moira: I don't like the sound of that!
David: Why not? It's actually a very effective business strategy. And it's always better to go under!
Moira: Go under?
[David says no!]
Moira: David if the business is floundering it's best to tell us now!
David: When it comes to expectations it's always best to go under rather than over!
Johnny: I don't know if that's true son. Every Rose Video Store we opened had fireworks day or night. People love pizazz.
David: Well, we're doing the opposite of that. We're inviting a select group of V.I.P.s and offering a 25% friends and family discount.
Moira: Well, that sounds meek.
Johnny: Friends getting the same discount as family? That doesn't sound right.
David: Well, that's what we're doing.
Johnny: What if your mother and I bought things at the same time? Does that mean we get a 50% discount?
David: Why would you want to spend less money in my store?
Moira: David, we are happy to support this modest little vigil you're hosting but to hand out discounts before the store is even birthed seems a tad defeatist. I hope you don't mind if I keep this information to myself?
David: I don't want you to tell anybody about it. The fewer the better.
Moira: Rarely has that been a recipe for success!
David: I'm glad I came in here.
Moira: We love you!
Johnny: Keep on preaching son!

David: [Standing on the chair] Everyone? I would just like to say a big congratulations to Team Cabaret. You guys were awesome. Speaking of love...
Roland: [Raspy voice] Somebody got engaged!
David: Speaking of love, I'm so glad that you're all here because Patrick and I have an announcement to make.
Jocelyn: [Very drunk] They're getting married!
David: Jocelyn! I'm the one standing on the chair! Two years ago I went to fill out some paperwork for my business license and little did I know I would meet the love of my
[Moira's phone starts ringing]
David: MY. GOD!
Moira: Sorry, this is me. It's probably press. I'm sorry David I have to take this. I already know about your engagement!
[blows David kisses]
Ronnie: So you're engaged to him?
David: Okay, so this shouldn't be so hard!
Alexis: Oh my god, David spit it out!
David: Oh my god! Fine! I met someone who changed my life and I don't know what I would do without him? So yes, we all know that Patrick and I are engaged!
Moira: NO! NO! NO!
Stevie: My God!
Johnny: [Everyone runs into the other room to find Moira collapsed on the floor] If it's a bad review Moira I wouldn't trust local critics.
Moira: They shelved the Crowing! It's over.
[Moira crawls into a closet, shuts the door and starts crying]
Johnny: [Standing in front of the closet door] Show's over people! Nothing here to see.
David: Okay everyone if you can just leave your champagne flutes here. Unless you still want to make a toast?
[Patrick shakes his head no]
David: Okay just leave your champagne flutes here. Thank you!

Moira: Okay, the thing you must understand about Cliff, Patrick, is that he has been with many women but he's never derived true pleasure from it.
Patrick: I think I can wrap my head around that.

Austin: [to Geri] In my day I got off more big time dirtbags with a slap on the wrist than a lowlife ambulance chaser like you could count. We didn't use any cheeseball victim defense either, we just bought the jury.
Geraldine: But, but I get to go home and do public service, right?
Austin: You *are* home, counselor, and I'd rather be dead than you.

Moira: You are the most important thing in this world to me, you know that John! And I nclude Caroline in that, and I've had that wig for 40 years!

Moira: I'm so happy that I wrestled you away today for this... oenological escapade. I finally have you all to myself, David. When's the last time you and I had a whole day together with nary a care in the world?
David: I mean, I am in the middle of planning a wedding, while also building a successful retail empire.
Moira: Yes you are. Then grant me this precious moment before there's a ring on your finger, to say chin-chin to you and your husband-to-be.
David: This feels remarkably selfless.
Moira: You and Patrick are two good grapes.
David: Hmm.
Moira: Different notes, different tannins, but... together, you've managed to make one perfect blend.
David: Thank you.

Johnny: David, help me with the doors.
David: No, I can't. I just got out of the shower.
Johnny: I need help with the doors.
Alexis: David, help him with the doors.
David: You help him with the doors.
Alexis: No.
Johnny: David, could you help me with the doors?
David: It's air drying.
Moira: Pick up a hammer and nail this coffin shut.

Moira: I am suddenly overwhelmed with regret. It's a new feeling for me, and I don't find it at all pleasurable.
Stevie: You regret that embarassing photos of you aren't online?
Moira: No, I regret that they're lost. They were the one perfect memorial to who I once was. And I should've appreciated those firm round mammae and callipygian ass while I had them.
Stevie: If you're talking about your body, uh... I think you still look amazing.
Moira: Then allow me to offer you some advice: Take a thousand, naked pictures of yourself now. You may currently think, "Oh, I'm too spooky." Or, "Nobody wants to see these tiny boobies." But, believe me, one day you will look at those photos with much kinder eyes and say, "Dear God, I was a beautiful thing!"
Stevie: Will I?
Moira: Mm-hm. Oh, and make sure you submit those photos to the Internet. Otherwise, your own children will go looking for them one day and, tragically, they won't be there.

Austin: I think we both should consider...
Geraldine: Yeah, well thank you, counselor, but I will be pleading guilty to this little ripoff and getting the hell out of this town.
Austin: No no no, I don't, no, I don't think you want to do that. This is a very strict town.

Marisa: [hearing the doorbell ring and opening the door] Immigration?
Reposession: Revenue.
Marisa: Mrs. Rose! There are people here from the government.
Moira: [shrieking] I've been gutted. John, I've been stripped of every morsel of pleasure I earned in this life.
Johnny: Well, how do you think I feel, Moira? Eli was family, for god sake! "Leave your finances to me," he said! Son of a bitch.
Alexis: Baby, it's crazy, people are just, like, taking our stuff!
[shouting into her phone]
Alexis: I said they're taking our stuff! Can you just step out of the club for a second, please?
[notices a CAS agent taking off with her purses]
Alexis: Hold on, hold on. Those bags are not for you. My boyfriend bought those for me, so theoretically, they are his.
Reposession: Please, sir, can you step aside?
David: No, you step aside! YOU STEP ASIDE! I'm still trying to wrap my mind around what kind of a sick person wants to get paid to destroy another person's life. DESTROY ANOTHER PERSON'S LIFE! Where are you taking that?
Moira: My very soul has been kidnapped, there's no ransom. NO ONE'S COMING TO SAVE ME!
Johnny: We've got 15 minutes to collect our personals. Can we pick up the pace?

Moira: [Don't Cry Out Loud plays really loud] I thought you said Jocelynn came to take him home.
Johnny: She did. That happens to be their wedding song.

Alexis: Like thanks for waiting. This is my new friend Rachel, she's having a day!
Rachel: Patrick?
Patrick: Rachel? What are you doing here?
Rachel: What are you doing here? I've been trying to text you for 2 days!
Alexis: Patrick is your fiancee?
David: I'm sorry? You, have a fiancee?
Patrick: [Stammering] Well, I don't, I don't now!
Rachel: Patrick? What's going on?
David: I think I need to take a breath!
[David gets up and walks away from the picnic table]
Patrick: [Walks past Rachel] I'll talk to you in a minute. We've got a lot to talk about!
[Chases after David]
Patrick: David?
Johnny: Who is she? I glanced down at my plate for 2 seconds.
Patrick: [Inside David and Alexis's room] I need to explain a couple of things.
David: What do you think would be the main one?
Patrick: Rachel and I were engaged but I called it off before I moved here.
David: Okay, you don't need to explain yourself.
Patrick: I think I do.
David: I know, I'm supposed to say that in the moment so please continue.
Patrick: We got together in high school and we've been on and off ever since. We would just fall back into it. She was texting me for the past couple of months hoping that we'll get back together.
David: Woah! A couple of months? And you didn't think to tell me about this? You stood in front of me and told me to trust people!
Patrick: I know!
David: When not trusting people is what I'm used to. It's my comfort zone. Next thing I know there's an over-sized cookie on my doorstep, and you told me that I have nothing to worry about.
Patrick: I didn't want it to affect what we have. David, and I mean it when I say you have nothing to worry about! Because no matter how hard I tried with her it just never felt right, and up until recently I didn't know why? David, I spent my whole life not knowing what right was supposed to feel like and then I met you? And everything changed! You make me feel right David.
David: That's the most beautiful thing that anyone has ever said to me aside from the Downton Christmas special!
Patrick: It's the truth!
David: It's just that my truth is that I am damaged goods and this really messed things up for me! And I think I need some time with it.
[Short pause]
David: I haven't had dinner yet.
Patrick: Okay! I'll grab you a slider
David: More than 1, and some potato salad and there were some other sides that I couldn't see on the table. So, a smattering of each?
Patrick: Okay.
[Patrick walks out of David and Alexis's room while David puts his hands on the sides of his head and turns around visibly shaken and upset]
Alexis: [Alexis, Johnny, and Moira listen through David's door] What's he doing in there?
Johnny: Well, he ate 6 sliders. So I'm assuming that he'll be going to sleep soon.
Moira: My poor baby! I told him that he was out of the quicksand but he's not John. He's sinking and there's nothing I can do about it!
[Moira and Johnny hug each other]
Alexis: I feel super responsible for inviting Rachel to the barbecue but he's been watching that show for 3 hours and I need my phone.
Johnny: You'll have to do without your phone, Alexis.
Alexis: David? David? David? David?
[David turns up the volume on the TV. A text comes in from Ted on Alexis's phone that reads "Nice to see you again!"]

Austin: Hi, I talked to the judge. Well we hit him on a good day. He's agreed to decrease the sentence to misdemeanor public nuisance.
Geraldine: Decrease it? Okay, fine fine, what's it gonna cost me?
Austin: Ten.
Geraldine: All this bullshit for ten bucks? Here keep the change.
Austin: Not ten dollars, Miss Ferrett, ten lashes. They can flail you now and you can be on your way, as soon as you regain consciousness of course.

Johnny: You know I meant to ask, Moira, what were the amenities like in that hotel room? High-pressured water, down pillows?
Moira: I'll never know. I had my one chance at a proletarian oasis and I squandered it, passed out in Roland's bed.
Alexis: [walking into her parents' room] You slept with Roland?
Johnny: No, she didn't. She found herself in his bed.
David: Mom slept with Roland?
Alexis: Yes. Apparently.
Moira: I will not be tried and condemned by the likes of you two.
David: So what's gonna happen now? Is there gonna be like a custody battle over us?
Johnny: David, stop.
Alexis: We gonna have to like spend weekends over at Roland's now, or?
Moira: Goodnight, Alexis.
David: Do we call him Uncle Roland?
Johnny: All right, that's enough, David.
Alexis: No. I mean, I get it, Roland is the mayor, and it's very difficult to work with someone who you're attracted to.
David: Yeah. Like you and Ted?
Alexis: No! I'm making fun of Mom and Dad right now, David.
Johnny: And we're done. Back to your room.
David: Um, I just want you to know that no matter what anyone says, you will always be our first dad.
Johnny: Good night.
David: Okay.

Kate: Kevin, get upstairs right now.
Kevin: Why?
Jeff: Kevin, you're such a disease.
Kevin: Shut up.
Peter: Kevin, upstairs.
Kate: Say good night, Kevin.
Kevin: "Good night, Kevin."

Moira: [In a TV commercial for a winery] In the lea of a picturesque ridge, lies a small, unpretentious winery, one that pampers its fruit like its own babies. Hi! I'm Moira Rose, and if you like fruit wine as much as I do, then you'll appreciate the craftsmanship and quality of a local vintner who brings the muskmelon goodness to his oak Chardonnay and the dazzling peach crabapple to his Riesling Rioja. Come taste the difference good fruit can make in your wine. You'll remember the experience, and you'll remember the name: Herb Irvling-ger. Burt Herngeif. Irv Herm-linger. Bing Liveheinger. Live Link. Burt Herkern. Burn-. Agh! Bingo Lingfucker!

Johnny: Moira! Hurry up!
Moira: It's 6:00 AM John! I'm moving as fast as I can! Roland said that he had a going away gift for us but I guess he forgot?
Alexis: Well, I for one would not have missed this for the whole wide world.
David: You're only saying that because you haven't gone to sleep yet.
Stevie: I'm going to miss your Mr. and Mrs. Rose
Johnny: [Hugging Stevie] Thank you, Stevie, that's awfully nice.
Moira: Nice as the smell of the liqueur wafting from your breath.
Stevie: I too haven't gone to sleep yet.
Johnny: Bye Stevie, take care of the place Stevie, and when you get a chance, Room 7 needs a turndown.
[He hands Stevie the keys]
Patrick: Well, safe travels Mr. and Mrs. Rose. David and I can't wait to host you at our house when you come back to visit.
Johnny: Thank you, Patrick.
[Hugs Patrick]
Moira: A courier is coming for the bulk of the luggage.
Alexis: Yes, we know!
Moira: And make sure the girls are delivered in a...
Alexis: Temperature-controlled cargo container!
Johnny: Okay, bye kids!
[Johnny hugs David]
David: [David hugs Johnny] Bye! See you soon!
Moira: Bye! I love you.
[Moira hugs David]
Alexis: [Alexis hugs Johnny] Bye dad!
Johnny: Bye honey!

Johnny: Stop the car!
Moira: What is it?
Johnny: I just wanted one last look
[Johnny looks out the window at the town sign to find that Roland has painted Moira and Johnny's faces over top of Horace and his sister's faces with David and Alexis painted in the background]
Johnny: Driver, we're ready!

Moira: Now, would you be a doll and fetch Mommy a knife?
David: A knife?
Moira: Oh, I'm sorry. I think you'll find one lodged in the middle of my back.
David: OK, well that's a lot
Moira: And when you pull it out of my back, you can plunge it into my heart!

Kate: Why don't you just sit up here for a while and think things over? When you're ready to apologize to Buzz *and* the rest of the family, you can come down.
Kevin: I'm not apologizing to Buzz; I'd rather kiss a toilet seat!
Kate: Then you can stay up here the rest of the night.
Kevin: Fine, I don't wanna be down there, anyway. I can't trust *anybody* in this family. And you know what? If I had my own money, I'd go on my own vacation. *Alone*. Without any of you guys. And I'd have the most fun in my whole life.

Jocelyn: You rocked out with the Stones?
Moira: All except Charlie, but every party needs a pooper.

Johnny: Where did Alexis go?
David: She went out. She said there have been some big changes in her life.
Johnny: Yes, I should say so.
David: Why are you waving a thermometer in my face?
Johnny: It's a pregnancy test!
David: Ooh! What?
Johnny: There's a smiley face. So I assume that it's a positive result?
Moira: Are we sure that it's hers?
Johnny: Well, this test says that it's somebodys?
David: Come to think of it, I know that Alexis has been having a lot of ups and downs but I chalked that up to her personal life being a smoldering piece of shit!
Johnny: Someone needs to talk to her.
David: Don't look at me! I'm sure that she knows that it's a mistake?
Moira: I'll talk to her and tell her that SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO DUMP THIS PERSONAL AND FINANCIAL BURDEN ON US!
Johnny: Maybe I'll talk to her?
Moira: Now she'll have to move into one of those homes for unwed mothers!
David: Ooh, can you imagine?
Johnny: Moira, that's not going to happen!
Moira: I'm sure there are plenty of them on this side of the tracks! Let the nuns care for the little ones
Johnny: What Alexis needs now is to feel supported by her family!
David: I'll say it! I'm not in a space right now to be supportive of a baby!
Johnny: [Turning to David] You know David I'm a little bit disappointed in you. You spend a lot of your time with Alexis. You could have done a better job of looking out for her!
Johnny: Okay! I'm sorry I'm not a condom!
Moira: [Screaming] I knew something like this would happen. God help us all!

Johnny: The man was crying! What was I supposed to say?
Moira: You take both of his hands, look him straight in the eye, and you say NO!
Johnny: What do you say about a guy you couldn't care less about?
Moira: I once had to deliver a eulogy at the funeral of my Sunrise Bay co-star. I didn't know what to say so I sang a few lines of Danny Boy.

Alexis: I actually think this place is kind of cute.
Moira: Did you say cute? No, Alexis, Martha Stewart's Hampton home is cute.

Moira: [jabbing a finger at Stevie] Hey! Track that cycle, missy!

Judge: You're charged with the illegal solicitation of services in this court, how plead you?
Austin: We plead not guilty, by reason of temporary insanity. Your client, My Honor is...
[takes cards out and reads them]
Austin: Your Honor, my client is the actual victim here. As a child she was psychologically abused by her entire family. She repressed these horrors until recently, and this inner turmoil made her act irrationally on the occasion in question.
Judge: [laughs] What a load of... guilty as charged. You ready for sentencing?
Geraldine: Is that your strategy? Are you crazy?
Austin: I believe you used the same defense yourself on a number of occasions, I guess I just did not do it right, I am sorry.
[power flickers as a man is heard screaming while electrocuted]

Brooke: [passing Kevin's bag back down the line] Kevin's not here.
Jeff: Kevin's not here.
Megan: Kevin's not here.
Sondra: Kevin's not here.
Rod: Kevin's not here.
Linnie: Kevin's not here.
Tracy: Kevin's not here.
Aunt: Kevin's not here.
Kate: Kevin's not here.
Peter: WHAT?
Kate: [laughing, then surprised] KEVIN!
[faints]

Roland: Oh, hello!
Moira: Shh! Shh! Shh!
Roland: Greet- What?
Jocelyn: Shh!
Roland: What?
Moira: I just put him down!
Jocelyn: Oh my gosh, you got little Roland to sleep?
Moira: Oh no, I'm talking about John.

Moira: It would be her first piece of clothing made outside of mainland China. I'm gonna do it.

Johnny: [scolding] No Don, here's the joke. The joke is that I'm sitting at a half-decent restaurant with my wife, and our friends and all you two have done is complain about the food and pretend that you didn't leave us high and dry after we lost everything.
Moira: I'm past that point now!
Johnny: I'm not quite past it yet Moira. You wrote us off, Don. Not a nickel. Not a phone call. Not an e-mail? Roland and Jocelyn here could not have been more generous with what little they have. They found us a place to live. They lent us their truck when we needed it. They invited us to their parties. They even offered to take us out to dinner tonight.
Roland: Just to be clear, Johnny, we were always going to split the bill it's just with the coupon...
Jocelyn: [Whispering] Roland? Roland? No!
[Jocelynn looks smug]
Johnny: And that town you passed through? It's not called Schittsville. It's called Schitt's Creek and it's where we live.

Kate: PETER!
[they jump out of bed]
Kate: [shouting] We slept in!

Moira: [Sniffeling] Good evening everybody! Welcome to the wedding of Patrick Brewer and David Rose! We are gathered here today to celebrate the love of two people whose lives were ostensively brought together by fateful butterfly wings. It's hard to understand why things happen the way that they do? Our lives are like little bebe crows carried upon a curious wind and all we can wish is for that wind place us on solid ground. And it has done this for our family in this small town in the middle of nowhere?
David: [Whispering] Okay, I think we're good!
Moira: And now I will ask David Rose and Patrick...
David: Brewer
Moira: Brewer to exchange their vows!
Patrick: David, I can't believe this is happening. So, I'll keep this very short because I think you know that I would climb a thousand mountains for you. You will always be a part of me,
[singing]
Patrick: and I'm a part of you indefinitely. Boy, don't you know you can't escape me, 'cause you know you'll always be my baby. and we'll linger on, time can't erase a feeling this strong, no way you'll ever shake me, ooh, darling 'cause you'll always be my baby!
Moira: David?
David: Uh, yes. Patrick, I have never liked a smile as much as I like yours. I've never felt as safe as I feel when I'm with you. I've never known love like I do when we're together. It's not been an easy road for me but knowing that you will be there for me at the end makes everything okay. Patrick Brewer you are my happy ending.
Moira: [David takes Patrick's ring out of his pocket and slips in on his finger] Patrick do you take David to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Patrick: I do.
Moira: [Patrick takes David's ring and slips it on his finger] David
[shouting]
Moira: do you take Patrick to be your lawfully wedded husband?
David: I do!
Moira: I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may kiss each other.
Johnny: [as everybody is walking out of the town hall] You did such a great job, sweetheart. I don't know how you do it?
Moira: There's a time and a place for sentimentality and your only son's wedding is hardly the time or the place.

Johnny: Put your best faces on everybody! Alexis, you're looking very peppy!
Alexis: I've had a pretty rough night actually!
Moira: Well, you're fooling everyone dear!
David: Um, you've got something.in.
[David gives a disgusted look as he pulls a loose hair extension out of Alexis' head]
Alexis: Is it gone?
David: [Chortling] Yes!
[Johnny and Moira are surprised!]

Moira: I've got some good news family. You, know the photographer Sebastien Raine?
David: That's my ex?
Moira: Well, he's coming from New York to photograph me for a project that I'm working on. I wanted to go to New York for a change of scenery but he insisted that I respect his wishes.
David: He was a monster!
Alexis: Didn't you date him for 4 months?
David: Okay, it was 3 months not counting the times he was talking to other people.
Alexis: You were eating mall pretzels and watching Bridget Jones's Diary.
David: I will not feel shame about the mall pretzels!

Moira: Let's all pray we don't wake up!

[Kevin has just caused a scene in the kitchen and Buzz has him in a headlock]
Kate: Look, stop, stop! What is the matter with you?
Kevin: He started it! He ate my pizza on purpose! He knows I hate sausage and olives and onions and...
Frank: [wiping dregs of soda off of his pants] Look what you did, you little jerk!
[the rest of the family stare irately at Kevin]

Moira: A heavy salad might as well be a casserole.

Kate: [at the Plaza Hotel] What kind of hotel allows a child to check in alone?
Desk: The boy had a very convincing story.
Kate: What kind of idiots do you have working here?
Desk: The finest in New York.

[from the trailer]
Mom: We'll be back tomorrow night. Oh. If anything happens, call the police and hide in your closet.
Dad: He knows that.

Moira: Nice to meet you, Jacob. If you take half as much care of our son as you do your physique, David should be in very good hands.

Johnny: We raised two kids!
David: Raised might be a bit of a stretch. Our nursery was in a different wing of the house.
Johnny: It was a design flaw.
Moira: I'm a light sleeper.

Moira: Alexis, let's not count our poultry before it's incubated.

Alexis: Happy Anniversary!
David: Congratulations on your ongoing love for each other! You did it!
Moira: Okay, kids, that's enough. You sound like the incestuous Bloomfields.
David: Nice job.

Kate: Heather, did you count heads?
Heather: Eleven, including me. Five boys, six girls, four parents, two drivers, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Moira: So, I guess you heard the news...
Jocelyn: I heard there was someone interested in buying...
Moira: Yes, we're leaving!
Jocelyn: I didn't know it was finalized...
Moira: And since we're leaving- Dear God, it feels good to be saying that!- I would like to give you this as a little keepsake to remember me by.
Moira: [faltering] Wow... Is... is it a wig?
Moira: It's a coat; it's THE coat!
Jocelyn: [dubiously] What coat?
Moira: The coat you kept going on about that one time.
Jocelyn: Are you sure it was me?
Moira: Oh, it's absolutely tragic, Jocelyn, that I will never see or speak to you ever again. But I will have my memories and you will have this incredible coat.
[hugging Jocelyn enthusiastically]
Moira: Goodbye, dear friend!
Moira: [cringing] Goodbye, Moira Rose.

Moira: Thank you Officer, for your almost militant commitment to the protection of our community.
Moira: I promise to keep my husband habilimented from now on.

Johnny: Your mother and I have been talking, and we've come to the realization that we've not been very good parents.
Moira: Sadly, and most of the time, we have no interest in what's going on with you.
Johnny: We have no idea. She means no idea.

Johnny: Get me the rubber gloves
Moira: But Johnny they are Tom Ford, and they won't fit you.

Johnny: Oh good, I'm so glad you two are still here. We're going to need your room so pack up!
Alexis: Um no!
David: Absolutely not!
Johnny: The motel is sold out and we're unable to remove a body and disinfect room 4 in time for check-in.
David: Okay, every word of that sentence made me sick!
Moira: I agree with David. We must move on from all of this.
David: Did I say that?
Moira: There's no use wasting time finding out what happened?
Johnny: We're not trying to find out what happened Moira. We're trying to find a solution and I'm going to need to family's help
Alexis: Why can't they stay in your room?
Johnny: It will take a day just to rebox your mother"s wigs!
Moira: Oh my god! Can you imagine? Not one of you is trained!
Johnny: Okay, bottom line is we need your room so pack your things and we're going to set you up in our room!
Moira: Okay, I've never just packed a bag so you might just have to give me a minute.
Alexis: Yes, and I'm going to be sleeping somewhere else!
David: Same!
Alexis: Like literally anywhere else.
David: Like an old tent on the side of the highway.
Johnny: Alright enough let's just get going, please.
Moira: Yes! Yes! Plenty of work to be done. Unfortunately, my previous engagements preclude me from offering my beneficence around the motel today! JOHN I HATE TO LEAVE YOU LIKE THIS!
Johnny: Yeah, I know Moira! Busy! Busy! I want to room cleaned up in an hour!
David: Okay, I'm going to need some dry cleaning bags and a padlock.

Geraldine: [dragged to her flailing] Get your hands off me! Let go!
[comes upon Dreyfus, sobbing with his back to her]
Geraldine: Oh what are you crying about!
Purdy: [turns around with a bloody hole in the middle of his face] They cut off my nose!

Geraldine: [runs out of the courtroom, sees the electric chair] What the hell? I thought this was the way out!
Austin: It *is*.
Geraldine: No!
[turns to run, is confronted by the ghouls]
Ghoul: Welcome back, dear, I had a feeling we might bump into you again.
Ghoul: And this time, you're gonna get what you deserve.
Geraldine: No! I'm not supposed to get the chair!
Ghoul: Have a seat!

Officer: Has the boy ever run away from home?
Peter: No.
Officer: Has he ever been in a situation where's been on his own?
Kate: [Kate shakes her head, but Peter gives her a look] As a matter of fact, this has happened before. It's become sort of a McCallister family travel tradition.
Peter: Funnily enough, we never lose our luggage.
[They both laugh, and knock on the wooden desk]
Kate: [Officer Bennett does not laugh] He was left at home, by accident, last year.
Peter: That's what my wife meant when she said this has become a family travel tradition.

- That's it?
- There's no number or instructions?
- Nothing. The "bio-exorcist."
- I don't get it.
Delia: Would you put that down?
- Straight back.
Delia: Why is that still up there?
- Why don't you guys take a break for about half an hour, okay?
- Man: Uh-huh.

Herb: Well, it's fruit wine, which in itself is exciting, but the most exciting thing is that all our fruit is 100% insecticide free!
Moira: Mmm.
[sips, gags]
Moira: Oh, there's something in mine!
Herb: Oh, that's a ladybug - that's one of the good ones.

Patrick: You're legally prohibited from providing drugs to your guests so by not giving him anything you've actually avoided any liability in his death
Moira: Well, there you have it. I'm so glad you're he Pat
Patrick: Rick, Patrick!
Moira: You know how carried away David can get?
Patrick: Oh, I do!
Moira: I'm heading back to the scene.of.the.crime. Of which I had nothing to do.
[Moira sticks a piece of cheese in her purse]
Patrick: Can I ring that up for you?
Moira: I paid too much for a wedge of brie last week so let's call it even.
David: I don't think it works like that.
Moira: Alexis was right. He's a button!
David: Thanks.
Patrick: [Sounding upset] So you told your mom about us?
David: No, I told Alexis about us and she likely told my mother!
Patrick: Listen, David?
David: No! You listen!
[Patrick looks surprised]
David: Sorry, that came out way harsher than I wanted it to. I know how this looks considering you told me that you want to take this slow but me wanting to sleepover at your house
Patrick: I know and I'm sorry for assuming that you just wanted to come over to my house just to sleep with me or whatever!
David: It was purely because there was a dead body in one of the rooms.
Patrick: I know.
[Short pause]
Patrick: You know? When you kissed me it felt like my first time. All of those things that you're supposed to feel? I felt them last night.
David: Well, if we're being honest with each other it felt like my first time too. I mean it's not. I've kissed like a thousand people before but nobody that I cared about, or liked, or thought was nice. So in a way we're both starting something new!
Patrick: Thank you, David. And for the record, I respect you and think that you're a good person.
David: [thinks for a minute] It's just that I said "nice" person.
Patrick: I know.
[Patrick leans in, wraps his arms around David's waist, and kisses David]
David: I need you to say "nice" person!
Patrick: You're a good person David!
David: That's not nice!

Jocelyn: You wanna audition for the Jazzagals?
Moira: Audition? Though I'm sure you mean no offence, in the actual world of entertainment, I'm what's known as, "offer only."
Jocelyn: Moira, I know you're a great singer, but everybody has to audition, and I can't have you not audition - it would open up a whole can of worms. I mean, even Gwen had to audition, and she was in a regional production of "Annie."

Geraldine: [to Haggard] You stink, you're a nag on his way to the glue factory, you hear me? I'd rather be dead than you!

Club: I'm sorry to bother you but there's some people up here that want to look around your place. Something about a robbery or something.
June: Well, I'm working! Can't you see I'm working?
Club: I know, I'm sorry.
Gail: Tough titties!

Johnny: [Johnny and Moira walk in] Wow!
Moira: Wow!
Johnny: David did all this?
Moira: He created, in this town, something winsome. I would shop here John even without the nagging sense of obligation!
Johnny: Look at the labels on everything! Rose Apothecary!
Moira: The Rose name on another plucky young business.
Johnny: We should go and congratulate him!
Moira: We should but our son is very hard at work.

Geraldine: [sees a man dragged away screaming in terror] What was that about?
Purdy: Courtroom B. The judge is supposed to be real hard.
Geraldine: So what're you up for?
Purdy: Felonious auto sales.
Geraldine: What, you sold somebody a hot Studebaker?
Purdy: No, I turned the odometer back on a car I sold a guy.
Geraldine: [sarcastically] Well that ought to get you 10 years.
Purdy: I hope so. This is a very strict town.

Johnny: David!
Moira: David!
Alexis: David!
David: STOP YELLING DAVID! YOU COME HERE!

Andy: $975,00, that's a lotta cheddar
[leering at Moira]
Andy: - don't you think so, Sweet Cheeks?
Moira: [deprecatingly] "Sweet Cheeks"... Well aren't YOU the old fashioned charmer!

Mrs. Kornfeldt: Excuse me, Stewardess? Three chardonnays, please.
Mr. Kornfeldt: None for me, actually. I like to stay awake and alert.
Jen: None for me, either.
Mrs. Kornfeldt: Okay, so, just the three chardonnays then.

David: [Walks in on Moira and Johnny attempting to kiss each other] Oh my god! Am I being punished for something?
Moira: David, are you a dirty peeping tom?
David: I don't think parenting books would approve of you saying that to me. I'm just going to grab this magazine and.
Johnny: Stick around Jr. I need to tell you two something. Alexis?
David: They're done!
[Alexis appears]
Johnny: Roland and Jocelyn have offered us the use of their cabin and we request that you not contact us for 24 hours.
David: Thank you!
Johnny: Thank you!
David: No, thank you!
Johnny: Thank you!
David: No thank you!
Johnny: Thank you!
David: No thank you!
Johnny: Okay, enough David!

Moira: In the lea of a picturesque ridge lies a small, unpretentious winery, one that pampers its fruit like its own babies. Hi! I'm Moira Rose, and if you like fruit wine as much as I do, then you'll appreciate the craftsmanship and quality of a local vintner who brings the muskmelon goodness to his oak Chardonnay and the dazzling peach crabapple to his Riesling Rioja. Come taste the difference good fruit can make in your wine. You'll remember the experience, and you'll remember the name: Herb Irvling-ger. Burt Herngeif. Irv Herm-linger. Bing Liveheinger. Live Link. Burt Herkern. Burn-. Agh! Bingo Lingfucker.

Alexis: Can everyone get out, I haven't seen my boyfriend in like, eight days
Moira: And I haven't seen my furry Fendi's for weeks.
Ted: Hi, Mrs. Rose!
Alexis: No. We're not engaging with them.
Alexis: Everybody out so I can finish off with Ted!
David: Sick!
Alexis: Good bye, please!
Moira: Found them!

Kate: [awakening late on morning of travel, again] We did it again! Aaah!

Moira: I'd like to believe you, Sebastien, but there's a big fat line between charming and bullshit. Now give me that flashcard.
David: You just have to trust me Moira!
Moira: Give me that flashcard.
[David steps out of Sebastien's room]
Moira: David?
David: Sebastien and I had some unfinished business to tend to
Moira: Sebastien, give me that flashcard!
David: Oh, you mean this flashcard.
[David holds Sebastien's flashcard in his hand]
David: I don't know what good it would do you, because it accidentally fell out of your camera and into my hand, then it fell in my drink and I stepped on it a lot. It was nice seeing you again Sebastien.
Moira: [David and Moira walk away from Sebastien's room arm in arm] I'm sorry you had to do that for me.
David: It wasn't just for me. We both won!

Kevin: [apprehensively] I made my family disappear.
[thinks back to family members saying bad things about him]
Megan: Kevin, you're completely helpless!
Linnie: You know, Kevin, you're what the French call "les incompetents".
Buzz: Kevin, I'm going to feed you to my tarantula.
Jeff: Kevin, you are *such* a *disease*!
Kate: There are fifteen people in this house and you're the only one who has to make trouble.
Frank: Look what you *did*, you little *jerk*.
Kevin: [gleefully] I made my family disappear.

Roland: Jocelynn and I went to the baby doctor. We don't want to know the sex of the baby. We want to keep it a surprise. Now? What's the combination to the safe? It's either my birthday or Gloria Estefan's
Ronnie: [sarcastically] Your wife is pregnant. How many more surprises do you need?
Moira: Good morning.
[Short pause]
Roland: It's Gloria Estefan's. 09-01-59.
Moira: [after opening the manila envelope sitting on her desk] Who left a picture of a ghost on my desk?
Roland: [gasping] I can't believe you opened that?
Moira: It was sitting on my desk!
Roland: That's the sonogram of our baby! I was trying not to open it.
Moira: But it's a...
Roland: Don't say anything. We don't want to know the sex of our baby!

Judge: So you were the lawyer that took down Medi-Heart.
Geraldine: Yeah, $56 million, not a bad payday.
Judge: Amazing.
Geraldine: Thank you.
Judge: That a jury could fall for such a load of garbage.
Geraldine: Hey, I proved my case, and my clients were victims of a callous medical establishment.
Judge: In 10 years' of use outside the laboratory the Cardi-Tark-7 Pacemaker never failed, ever.
Geraldine: Uh, that's irrelevant, we all know mechanical devices break. We provided the jury with a range of psychological proofs that the wares of the Medi-Heart pacemakers my clients burdened with that knowledge, suffered life shortening daily trauma.

Kate: How could we do this? We forgot him.
Peter: We didn't forget him, we just miscounted.
Kate: What kind of a mother am I?
Frank: If it makes you feel any better, I forgot my reading glasses.

Lydia: They don't wanna come down.
Delia: Charles...
Otho: Why not?
Lydia: I think the reason is, is that they were trying to scare you away, and you didn't get scared.
Delia: Please, they're dead. It's a little late to be neurotic.

Lawyer: To Johnny's credit, this town might just be your saving grace, at least for a while.
Moira: What do you mean?
Lawyer: You can live there for next to nothing, until you get back on your feet.
Moira: I'm sure there's a penthouse we can move into. Please, there are other options.
Lawyer: Well, homelessness is still on the table.

Johnny: Alexis, what the hell is the matter with you?
Alexis: Okay... Stavros is flying in to get me and I am going to go live with him for a little bit.
Moira: Well, that is not happening. And I am appalled that my baby girl has turned into a selfish, duplicitous, whore.
[Turning to Twyla]
Moira: Oh, hello!
Twyla: Hi, I'm Twyla, I'll be your waitress today. Anyway, I read about you guys, and everything you've gone through, it sounds super crappy.
Johnny: Super crappy?
Twyla: I had a second cousin in Elmdale who did telemarketing, he made a ton of money. It turns out his entire business was illegal, and he lost everything.
Johnny: Hmm... not quite the same.

Kate: Did I turn off the coffee?
Peter: No... I did.
Kate: Did you lock up?
Peter: Yeah.
Kate: Did we set the timers on the lights?
Peter: Yeah.
Kate: Did you close the garage?
Peter: That's it. I forgot to close the garage, that's it.
[She sits back; after a pause]
Kate: No, that's not it.
Peter: Well, what else could we be forgetting?
[She sits back again; after an even longer pause, she jumps upright]
Kate: KEVIN!

David: [David returns to his Motel room. He unlocks the door and turns on the light only to find Moira passed out in his bed] Oooh! What are you doing in my bed?
Moira: Oh, David dear I'm too exhausted to go to my own bed.
David: Is it the footwork?
Moira: It's not just the footwork and pirouettes that I forgot about but I forgot about me. There's an elephant on the wall saying
[David looks back]
Moira: retire, retire. Run David! Tell Jocelyn to cancel the show!
David: I'm not going to do that. But what if we did
[pauses]
David: The Number?
Moira: Really David?
David: I know it's a stupid idea.
Moira: David, you'd do that for me? I thought that you hated being paraded around in front of my friends?
David: I still do but I'm finding this situation to be incredibly disturbing and eventually I'll need my bed back.

Moira: I - I worked in soaps. They had me play my own father, who then became pregnant despite the vasectomy. I still hold the record for the longest -running demonic possession on daytime television.

Moira: Okay, consider this camel's back broken. Who sends pink carnations?

Moira: David, can you just once embrace joy?

David: [after finding his cake in the fridge] Who picked through my cake and only left the icing?
Alexis: Who eats the icing?
David: What kind of barnyard were you raised in where you eat somebody else's food?
Alexis: So, you can share a boyfriend but you can't share food?
David: Okay we're not sharing a boyfriend. Stevie and I are dating Jake at the same time.
Alexis: Oh really? Because in my experience with throuples.
David: We're not a throuple.
Alexis: In my experience with three people there's always a favourite. Just like how mom loves you more.
David: First of all that's not true and don't use mom in an analogy about my relationship thank you.
Moira: David? Lunch today?
David: No.
Moira: Oh, well I guess I'll dine alone!
Alexis: See?
Moira: See what?
David: Alexis seems to think that you like me more?
Moira: Alexis don't be ridiculous. This is exactly the kind of paranoia that makes me weary of spending time with you.
Alexis: I was sitting right here!
Moira: I just didn't see you there.