The Best Miri Quotes

Zack: [suggesting a porn title] Star Sex II: The Wrath of Cunt.
Miriam: We never made Star Sex I.
Zack: I guess we can skip Star Sex III: The Search for Cock, then.
[Zack has a new idea]
Zack: Cocunt!
Miriam: What's that?
Zack: It's like Cocoon. With a cunt!
[Miri looks at him and laughs uncomfortably]

Miriam: So... I guess we should do this.
Zack: I think we should probably wait, uh, just until I lose another 20-30 pounds.
Miriam: Stop it. You look good.
Zack: Thanks.
Miriam: So... what about me? How do I look?
Zack: I mean, you look beautiful - you always look... so beautiful, so I guess it's not a big deal. But you... you look amazing.
Miriam: [grabbing his hand lovingly, then quickly beginning to swing it back and forth] Okay! Let's go make a porno!

Zack: [imagining Miri in a porn film] Oh, my God, yeah.
Miriam: What? You got an idea?
Zack: We could make a porno.
Miriam: Not the idea I was lookin' for.
Zack: What? No, that is a fuckin' awesome idea. Are you shitting me? That guy, Brandon St. Randy, Bobby Long's boyfriend, he said he makes a hundred grand a year because he shoots and distributes his own porno flicks.
Miriam: If it's so easy, how come everybody doesn't do it?
Zack: Because other people have options - and dignity - which we do not have, which puts us in an amazingly advantageous position!

Zack: I don't mean to alarm you... but I think I just jerked off Lester a little bit.
Miriam: The Dutch Rudder?
Zack: Yeah! It's ingenious, really.
Miriam: If you ask me nicely, I will Dutch Rudder you for the rest of our lives.
Zack: Good. I'm getting tired of fuckin' a fleshlight.
Miriam: [laughing] You fucked it?
Zack: Yeah.
Miriam: What'd it feel like?
Zack: ...fucking a flashlight.

Miriam: [after hitting on Bobby and meeting his boyfriend] You're gay?
Bobby: Yeah.
Miriam: [to Brandon] And I'm on the internet wearing... a diaper?
Brandon: Who knew you'd come to Pittsburgh and meet a celebrity? Ha ha!
Miriam: [to Zack] I'm gonna binge-drink now until I pass out.
Zack: Okay. She'll be fine. So you guys suck each other's cocks, huh?
Brandon: Oh, like crazy.

Zack: How come you get to be all Buck Rogers, having sex in the 25th century with Twiki and Dr. Theopolis, and I'm stuck to a bottle of Jergen's in the batroom?
Miriam: Holy Bejeesus, tell me you don't use my Jergen's to whack it.
Zack: No, you know what I do? I light a bunch of candles, and I sprawl out on my sheets, and I listen to Sting. No, I'm a guy. You give me two Popsicle sticks and a rubber band and I'll find a way to fuck it, like a filthy MacGuyver!

Zack: You don't wanna fuck a stranger in a porn movie for some strange reason. I guess we could fuck.
Miriam: Ew
Zack: Fuck you.
Miriam: No I mean you're an okay enough looking guy and everything.
Zack: Holy fuck thank you. You're an alright looking gal how does that feel?

Zack: [suggesting porn titles] Fuckback Mountain!
Miriam: [makes a face]
Zack: Too soon?

Zack: Hello, Miriam.
Miriam: Beat it, we're talking.
Zack: I just wanted to introduce you to Brandon.
Brandon: Salutations.
Zack: Bobby's boyfriend.
Miriam: Bobby who?
Bobby: Bobby me.
Zack: Brandon, uh, is the star as such adult fare as, what was that one called again?
Brandon: "You better shut your mouth or I'm gonna fuck it."
Zack: That's right. I'm surprised I forgot that.
Miriam: Are you fucking with me?
Zack: [amused] No, they're fucking with each other.

Miriam: Nobody wants to see us fuck, Zack!
Zack: EVERYBODY wants to see ANYBODY fuck. I hate Rosie O'Donell, but if somebody said "I got a tape of Rosie O'Donell getting fucked stupid" I'd be like "Why the fuck aren't we watching that right now?"

Zack: I'm gonna fuck you with my pecker!
Miriam: Dude... that's really dirty.
Zack: That's too dirty?
Miriam: That offends me.
Zack: Penis?
Miriam: Fine.
Zack: I'm gonna fuck you with my penis!

Zack: This is just the beginning, guys. If Star Whores works and *it will*, we are set up for sequels galore. The Empire Strikes Ass.
Miriam: Return of the Brown Eye.
Deacon: The Phantom Man Ass.
Delaney: And Revenge of the Shit: The All Anal Final Chapter.
[awkward silence]
Zack: ...okay.
Delaney: Revenge of the Shit, you got it?
Miriam: No, yeah we got it.
Stacey: Ew.
Delaney: [under his breath] Fuck you, mothafuckas.

Miriam: What happened to the water?
Zack: I guess they musta shut it off...
Miriam: Help me get this shit outta my hair! Just use the water outta the toilet!
Zack: There's poo in there...
Miriam: The back part of the toilet!

Miriam: [Seeing that Zack shaved his beard] Your face! I don't think I've seen your face since senior year.
Zack: I think I made a mistake. I did it for you, you know, so you wouldn't get road rash during our scene... but I shoulda asked first. I look like a fuckin' Balooga Whale.

Zack: Oh you'll be sorry when I'm giving you the best orgasms of your life.
Miriam: Yeah right. As if you even know what you're doing down there.
Zack: Where's the clitoris again? Is it in your ass?