The Best Bobby Long Quotes

Zack: Hello, Miriam.
Miriam: Beat it, we're talking.
Zack: I just wanted to introduce you to Brandon.
Brandon: Salutations.
Zack: Bobby's boyfriend.
Miriam: Bobby who?
Bobby: Bobby me.
Zack: Brandon, uh, is the star as such adult fare as, what was that one called again?
Brandon: "You better shut your mouth or I'm gonna fuck it."
Zack: That's right. I'm surprised I forgot that.
Miriam: Are you fucking with me?
Zack: [amused] No, they're fucking with each other.

Bobby: This is exactly why you haven't met my mother! Because you don't know how to ease people in to this situation, you just force your way in every time!
Brandon: Baby, I thought maybe for one second in this God-forsaken town I could be myself! I'm so sorry, you're right, I should just butch up and pretend that I don't love it when you shove your dick in my mouth!
Zack: [to himself] This is the best night of my life.
Brandon: Am I making a spectacle? Because I could make a much bigger scene. I'm sorry, Pittsburg, listen up Monroevers, my name is Brandon St. Randy, and I love Bobby Long!
Zack: Fucking A!
Brandon: Is that enough for you? Is that enough of a scene? Cause I could start doing a lot worse then that. And the reason that you haven't taken me home to your mother is that your mother, with her makeup and all her drinking, she's in the closet too.
Zack: [in awe] They fight just like real people...

Brandon: I can't keep my hands off him, I'm so sorry.
Bobby: You've had one too many cosmos.
Brandon: You know although he does most of the eating in the sack if you know what I mean. In the sack and of the sack.

Miriam: [after hitting on Bobby and meeting his boyfriend] You're gay?
Bobby: Yeah.
Miriam: [to Brandon] And I'm on the internet wearing... a diaper?
Brandon: Who knew you'd come to Pittsburgh and meet a celebrity? Ha ha!
Miriam: [to Zack] I'm gonna binge-drink now until I pass out.
Zack: Okay. She'll be fine. So you guys suck each other's cocks, huh?
Brandon: Oh, like crazy.