Top 50 Quotes From Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Lester: [acting in the porno] I'd like a double espresso so I can stay up all night... 'cos I'm in the mood to fuck!

[Zack and Delaney are having a conversation]
Customer: Hi, can I have a coffee? Black?
Delaney: Can't you see we talking, White?

Zack: What's your name?
Lester: Lester. Lester the Molester Cockenschtuff.
Zack: Wow. That's a great porn name.
Lester: I get to pick a porn name? Then I want to be called Pete Jones.
[later seen on the DVD cover of "Swallow My Cockuccino" spelt as "Pete Jonze"]

Delaney: What? Han Solo ain't never had no sex with Princess Leia in the Star War!

Brandon: [fighting with Bobby] The reason... the reason you haven't taken me home to your mother is... your mother with her makeup and her drinking, she's... she's in the closet too!
Zack: They fight just like *real* people!

[last lines]
Zack: Let us fuck.

Zack: You don't wanna fuck a stranger in a porn movie for some strange reason. I guess we could fuck.
Miriam: Ew
Zack: Fuck you.
Miriam: No I mean you're an okay enough looking guy and everything.
Zack: Holy fuck thank you. You're an alright looking gal how does that feel?

Zack: [suggesting porn titles] Fuckback Mountain!
Miriam: [makes a face]
Zack: Too soon?

Zack: I've known her since the first grade, you don't fuck someone you met in the first grade.
Delaney: Excuse me, I met my wife in kindergarten, we got married senior year, and she's been the queen of my world ever since.
Zack: But what if you could do it all over again?
Delaney: I would jerk off and live by myself. That woman is the bane of my existence.

Teen: [recording Miri undressing, revealing "granny panties"] Those are fucking granny panties!
Zack: [Zack blocks the view with his ass, then sticks his thumb up it] Sorry guys, am I in the way?
Teen: You're a fucking faggot, alright?
Teen: Let's go to Starbucks, this guy's a shitty barista anyways.
Zack: Cock?
[throws a cup at the teens]
Teen: And he throws like a bitch!
Zack: You know what else I've thrown, my nutsack in your coffee so how'd that taste, fuckers?
Teen: We saw your girlfriend in her underwear, cunt nugget!
Zack: Well too bad, she's not my girlfriend you little fuck -
[they leave]
Zack: oh, they're gone.

Miriam: What happened to the water?
Zack: I guess they musta shut it off...
Miriam: Help me get this shit outta my hair! Just use the water outta the toilet!
Zack: There's poo in there...
Miriam: The back part of the toilet!

Brandon: [to Bobby] I will be your Sherpa up the mountain of gayness.

Zack: [suggesting a porn title] Star Sex II: The Wrath of Cunt.
Miriam: We never made Star Sex I.
Zack: I guess we can skip Star Sex III: The Search for Cock, then.
[Zack has a new idea]
Zack: Cocunt!
Miriam: What's that?
Zack: It's like Cocoon. With a cunt!
[Miri looks at him and laughs uncomfortably]

Delaney: Her name Bubbles.

Zack: Wow, D.P. and editor. You have your shit covered.
Deacon: Please don't ever say "shit covered" to me again.

Delaney: Sometimes, we just need someone to show us something we can't see for ourselves.

Delaney: [to Mr. Surya] You Ben Kingsley looking motherfucker

Lester: I even tried to talk her into givin' me the fuckin' Dutch Rudder... shot me down on that, too.
Zack: And a Dutch Rudder is...?
Lester: You don't know what a Dutch Rudder - alright, you grab your dick, and then you have somebody else work your arm. Here, lemme show you. Grab my arm, I'm grabbing my dick, you're grabbing my arm... now work it. Work it. Work my arm. See that shit? Now work it up and down. See that? It's like somebody else is jerking you off.

Zack: [to Brandon and Bobby] So, you guys suck each other's cocks, huh?
Brandon: Oh, like crazy.

Zack: I'm gonna fuck you with my pecker!
Miriam: Dude... that's really dirty.
Zack: That's too dirty?
Miriam: That offends me.
Zack: Penis?
Miriam: Fine.
Zack: I'm gonna fuck you with my penis!

Zack: Dude, with your cut of the profits, you're gonna get two flat screens. OK? You'll have one in your living room. You'll have one in your bathroom!
Delaney: One in the bathroom? You know, it's always been my dream to watch shit while I shit.
Zack: Everyone with an ass loves to watch shit while they shit! I'm gonna make that happen for you, man.

Roxanne: Don't ever get married. It sucks. You stop appreciating each other and you run out of shit to talk about after the first year.

Zack: Oh you'll be sorry when I'm giving you the best orgasms of your life.
Miriam: Yeah right. As if you even know what you're doing down there.
Zack: Where's the clitoris again? Is it in your ass?

[after the first night's shooting]
Zack: Hey, how'd it look?
Deacon: How do you think it looked? It looked like shit going into other shit - in focus.
Zack: [to Miri] What an artist. That was Kurosawa's motto I think, "Shit going into other shit".

Brandon: I thought you recognized me from my work, but you're not my demographic so I'm not offended.
Zack: Well, who's your demographic?
Brandon: Do you like pussy?
Zack: Yeah.
Brandon: Then not you.

Zack: I'm a guy. You give me a two popsicle sticks and a rubber band and I'll find a way to fuck it like a filthy MacGyver!

Zack: We are gonna launch arcing ropes of jism all over this motherfucker! Peace!

Zack: I don't mean to alarm you... but I think I just jerked off Lester a little bit.
Miriam: The Dutch Rudder?
Zack: Yeah! It's ingenious, really.
Miriam: If you ask me nicely, I will Dutch Rudder you for the rest of our lives.
Zack: Good. I'm getting tired of fuckin' a fleshlight.
Miriam: [laughing] You fucked it?
Zack: Yeah.
Miriam: What'd it feel like?
Zack: ...fucking a flashlight.

Zack: How come you get to be all Buck Rogers, having sex in the 25th century with Twiki and Dr. Theopolis, and I'm stuck to a bottle of Jergen's in the batroom?
Miriam: Holy Bejeesus, tell me you don't use my Jergen's to whack it.
Zack: No, you know what I do? I light a bunch of candles, and I sprawl out on my sheets, and I listen to Sting. No, I'm a guy. You give me two Popsicle sticks and a rubber band and I'll find a way to fuck it, like a filthy MacGuyver!

Zack: [imagining Miri in a porn film] Oh, my God, yeah.
Miriam: What? You got an idea?
Zack: We could make a porno.
Miriam: Not the idea I was lookin' for.
Zack: What? No, that is a fuckin' awesome idea. Are you shitting me? That guy, Brandon St. Randy, Bobby Long's boyfriend, he said he makes a hundred grand a year because he shoots and distributes his own porno flicks.
Miriam: If it's so easy, how come everybody doesn't do it?
Zack: Because other people have options - and dignity - which we do not have, which puts us in an amazingly advantageous position!

Zack: What brings you here?
Brandon: I came here with somebody who went to school here, Bobby Long.
Zack: No shit! That's who my friend's hitting on right now! See, right there, the one dressed like Hannah Montana.
Brandon: In L.A. we call that look 'Nickelodeon Chique'.
Zack: Wait, L.A.? Los Angeles? That's awesome, man, what do you do out there?
Brandon: I'm an actor.
Zack: Wow! That's really impressive.
Brandon: Thank you.
Zack: Fucking movies?
Brandon: Fucking movies. Pretty much.
Zack: Look at you! Anything I've seen? What movies?
Brandon: Oh, all sorts of movies with all-male casts.
Zack: All-male casts? Like "Glengarry Glen Ross"? Like that?
Brandon: Like "Glen and Gary suck Ross's meaty cock and drop their hairy nuts in his eager mouth."
Zack: [stunned] ... is that like a sequel?
Brandon: Sort of. It's a reimagining.
Zack: Oh, like "The Wiz".
Brandon: More erotic. And with less women. No women, to be exact.
Zack: I apologize in advance if I'm out of line here, but are you in gay porn?
Brandon: Guilty as charged.

[after Stacy accidentally shits all over his face]
Deacon: Can you believe THIS shit? That chick frosted me like I was a fucking cake!

Miriam: [Seeing that Zack shaved his beard] Your face! I don't think I've seen your face since senior year.
Zack: I think I made a mistake. I did it for you, you know, so you wouldn't get road rash during our scene... but I shoulda asked first. I look like a fuckin' Balooga Whale.

Zack: This is just the beginning, guys. If Star Whores works and *it will*, we are set up for sequels galore. The Empire Strikes Ass.
Miriam: Return of the Brown Eye.
Deacon: The Phantom Man Ass.
Delaney: And Revenge of the Shit: The All Anal Final Chapter.
[awkward silence]
Zack: ...okay.
Delaney: Revenge of the Shit, you got it?
Miriam: No, yeah we got it.
Stacey: Ew.
Delaney: [under his breath] Fuck you, mothafuckas.

Zack: If you heard that someone we graduated with was in a fucking porno movie, you'd watch it, right? I'd watch that guy Brandon suck a cock. I just met him!

Bobby: This is exactly why you haven't met my mother! Because you don't know how to ease people in to this situation, you just force your way in every time!
Brandon: Baby, I thought maybe for one second in this God-forsaken town I could be myself! I'm so sorry, you're right, I should just butch up and pretend that I don't love it when you shove your dick in my mouth!
Zack: [to himself] This is the best night of my life.
Brandon: Am I making a spectacle? Because I could make a much bigger scene. I'm sorry, Pittsburg, listen up Monroevers, my name is Brandon St. Randy, and I love Bobby Long!
Zack: Fucking A!
Brandon: Is that enough for you? Is that enough of a scene? Cause I could start doing a lot worse then that. And the reason that you haven't taken me home to your mother is that your mother, with her makeup and all her drinking, she's in the closet too.
Zack: [in awe] They fight just like real people...

Zack: You, my friend, are the lead role of Lubed Guy-Baller.
Delaney: Man, he's gonna be balling dudes? I thought you said this was boys on girls.
Lester: If I have to fuck a guy, okay, but I'd rather fuck a girl.
Delaney: What's wrong with you, boy?

Miriam: Nobody wants to see us fuck, Zack!
Zack: EVERYBODY wants to see ANYBODY fuck. I hate Rosie O'Donell, but if somebody said "I got a tape of Rosie O'Donell getting fucked stupid" I'd be like "Why the fuck aren't we watching that right now?"

Zack: Hello, Miriam.
Miriam: Beat it, we're talking.
Zack: I just wanted to introduce you to Brandon.
Brandon: Salutations.
Zack: Bobby's boyfriend.
Miriam: Bobby who?
Bobby: Bobby me.
Zack: Brandon, uh, is the star as such adult fare as, what was that one called again?
Brandon: "You better shut your mouth or I'm gonna fuck it."
Zack: That's right. I'm surprised I forgot that.
Miriam: Are you fucking with me?
Zack: [amused] No, they're fucking with each other.

Mr. Surya: [to Zack and Delaney] I hate you ebony and ivory motherfuckers!

Drunk: [is waiting for his coffee, and notices Stacey's breasts] Oh. Hey.
Stacey: [awkwardly] Hey.

Lester: [after Zack and Miri's passionate scene has ended] Way to fuck, Zack!

Zack: Editor and DP, looks like you got your shit covered.
Deacon: Do not say 'shit covered' to me again.

Zack: Have you seen that Joe Francis guy who made Girls Gone Wild? That guy's the biggest fucking idiot piece of shit in the world and he has a jet and a fucking island!

Miriam: [after hitting on Bobby and meeting his boyfriend] You're gay?
Bobby: Yeah.
Miriam: [to Brandon] And I'm on the internet wearing... a diaper?
Brandon: Who knew you'd come to Pittsburgh and meet a celebrity? Ha ha!
Miriam: [to Zack] I'm gonna binge-drink now until I pass out.
Zack: Okay. She'll be fine. So you guys suck each other's cocks, huh?
Brandon: Oh, like crazy.

Deacon: I'm gonna hatefuck the shit out of you, ref!
Zack: Dude.
Deacon: It's cool. He's my cousin.

Brandon: I can't keep my hands off him, I'm so sorry.
Bobby: You've had one too many cosmos.
Brandon: You know although he does most of the eating in the sack if you know what I mean. In the sack and of the sack.

Zack: That's what porn is: turning the normal into abnormal, by fucking it!

Miriam: So... I guess we should do this.
Zack: I think we should probably wait, uh, just until I lose another 20-30 pounds.
Miriam: Stop it. You look good.
Zack: Thanks.
Miriam: So... what about me? How do I look?
Zack: I mean, you look beautiful - you always look... so beautiful, so I guess it's not a big deal. But you... you look amazing.
Miriam: [grabbing his hand lovingly, then quickly beginning to swing it back and forth] Okay! Let's go make a porno!

Delaney: [after Zack leaving the set] Can you believe this shit?
Deacon: [after Stacy accidentally shits all over his face] Can you believe THIS shit? That chick frosted me like I was a fucking cake!