The Best Grandma Quotes

Grandma: [Opening the front door after Mike knocks] Oh, hey Michael! Carlton's not home. Good night, baby.
[Begins to close door]
Mike: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Where did he go?
Grandma: Oh, I don't keep tabs on him, he's a grown man. But he does like hot wings and big, fake boobies, if that helps narrow it down.
Mike: Strip club.
Grandma: I don't think he was folding up dollar bills to put in the church collection plate.

Grandma: [Trying to get rid of Mike, who has come knocking on her door at night time] Now, if you will excuse me, Brother Heywood stopped by for pie and coffee.
Mike: Oh, what kind of pie?
Grandma: The kind of pie that 2 consenting adults enjoy alone in the privacy of their own home.
Mike: [Referring to missing 2 social outings that evening] Oh, man... I am 2 for 2.
Grandma: [NOT referring to missed social outings] So is Brother Heywood. Good night, Michael.

Mike: She was showing off and speaking in different languages.
Grandma: You mean in tongues like the Pentecostals?
Mike: No, like French and German and Shakespeare.
Grandma: Oh good, 'cuz I've been to a tent revival and that mess will put you off Jesus!

Christina: That's two secrets you've blown!
Grandma: Way to go double O' Stupid!

Officer: Leave me alone, Grandma, just go to your bible study class.
Grandma: I can get there a little bit late. We're studying Deuteronomy, and all them Shall nots put a damper on the drinking and trash talk.

Grandma: Carlton, why aren't you at the strip club? You better get going before all the other perverts get the ringside seats.
Officer: I'm not going out tonight. I'm just going to watch a little TV and then go to bed.
Grandma: Well, if you don't show up, how are them poor girls gonna pay their rent or buy their narcotics?

Mike: I'm alright, Nana. How are you?
Grandma: Oh, I'm right with my savior and tight with my bookie!

Grandma: [Mike, Carl, Vince, and Samuel are cleaning the gutters] Where is that clueless knucklehead?
Joyce: Well, we have a nice assortment on the roof.

Grandma: [realizing Carl and Victoria were together] Aw, hell no! Are you back with the Drama Queen?
Officer: Yes I am.
Grandma: I was talking to her.

Grandma: [Admonishing Carl] You're going to apologize because it's the Christian thing to do. And if you don't, I'm gonna part your behind like it's the Red Sea and my foot is Moses.