Top 50 Quotes From Billy Gardell

Peggy: [Mike and Molly are on the porch listening to Peggy yelling at Vince] All the boy wanted to do was go fishing. It may not seem important to you but it was important to him!
Vince: [Intimidated] I know that now, you made that very clear.
Peggy: Do you have any idea how hard it is to be both mother and father to him? I had to teach him how to shave and slow dance!
[shoves him onto the couch]
Vince: You did a remarkable job with both those things.
Molly: [Peggy keeps yelling at Vince] Do you think we should jump in there?
Mike: Well, she drove all the way over here.
[they sit down to watch through the window]
Vince: I don't know, I never had kids.
Peggy: That you know of. And if you did, they'd be swimming around in the shallow end of the gene pool!
Molly: [Peggy keeps ranting at Vince but obviously has her ex husband in mind] You know what, you'd think she was pretty entertaining when she's not yelling at me.
Vince: Mother Biggs, all I did was sell a boat.
Peggy: This has nothing to do with the boat, this is between you and me.
Vince: I think you might be projecting now.
Peggy: Oh, I'm gonna project you through that glass cabinet!
Mike: Okay, it's getting violent. We should get in there.
Molly: No, no, no, Mike, it's just getting good!
Peggy: I'm gonna rip the last five hairs out of your head!
[grabs his head and starts getting rough]
Molly: Get him!
[laughs]

Herschel: [to George, referring to his daughter Bobbi] You realize I've taken dumps bigger than this kid.

Mike: You know what? I give up! Come to my wedding, don't come to my wedding. Do what you want, cause after all, it's your special day!
Peggy: It was! Now you can spend it with your precious daddy, and your step mommy, the prostitute! Hey, maybe you can book her for the bachelor party!

Mike: [at a restaurant] How's your snapper?
Molly: [loopy on cold medicine] Fine. How's your penis?

[Mr. Sparks is trying to decide which of his chickens is going to be dinner]
Herschel: Now, which of you is tired of this life?... You.

Vince: [getting into bed with an extremely sick and feverish Mike] Okay, don't sneeze on me, cough on me, or fart on my leg.
Mike: Molly?

Francine: [rings his ex wife's doorbell] Who the hell is it?
Vince: Look through the peephole, you bug eyed bitch!
Francine: [opens door and it's an elderly woman] Brought your goons, huh Muranto?
Mike: How old is she?
Vince: I told you, it was May-December. I'm the May.
Officer: Yeah, but she's not December, she's the following July!

Mike: I drew the fat straw.
Officer: You sure you drew just one?
Mike: Back off Seely, I am not in the mood.
Officer: All right. Take it easy.
Officer: For your information, my man lost fifty pounds.
Officer: Hey, that's great, Biggs. Thought you went down a cup size.
Officer: [Mike slams his locker shut, obviously irritated] I'm just playing with ya. You look great, just great. In fact, if this was a fair I'd give you a blue ribbon.
Officer: [Mike moves in on him, but Carl intercepts] Mike, don't listen to him. He's not worth it.
[to Seely]
Officer: Just go home.
Officer: I gotta get changed first.
Mike: Yeah, I'm fine, Carl.
Officer: All right.
[to Seely]
Officer: You just keep your mouth shut.
Officer: What? Tell that to your partner. Cause I think that's his problem.
Mike: [punches Seely] Now, now who has a problem?
Officer: You do, man!

Mike: Look at me, Carl. It's the 9th inning and I have not had *one* hotdog!
Vendor: You want everything on it, big guy?
Mike: Walk away! Walk away! Walk away!

Mike: I'm alright, Nana. How are you?
Grandma: Oh, I'm right with my savior and tight with my bookie!

Mike: [Asking Vince about his new job as a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman] Rough day out there today?
Vince: I got more doors slammed in my face than a Jehovah's Witness with a cold sore.

Mike: Hey, ma! You feeling better today?
Peggy: I put the potatoes in the oven, and not my head, so there's that.

Mike: [reading a thank you card he just wrote] 'Thank you for the sliver cundlestucks'. I may not be right handed!

Molly: [Trying to assure Mike that they aren't becoming less sexually active] Listen to me. I didn't say not at all or never again. I said not now. Okay?
Mike: Okay. So, we're still in that hot, crazy, can't get enough of that funky stuff phase, right?
Molly: Absolutely. If I didn't have to eat, bathe or earn a living, I'd never unwrap my legs from around your mighty torso.
Mike: Really?
Molly: Mm, hmm. Yep, 24-7. Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
Mike: [Smiling, extremely proud of himself] Alriiiight!

Vince: I hope you're happy, you've torn this family apart!
Mike: She didn't co-operate! All you had to do was answer the question 'Did you drink tonight?'!
Victoria: Well, that's a pretty loaded question cause you know, she was probably loaded.
Joyce: I was not!
Vince: That's not perjury, she's not under oath.
Joyce: How come everybody's assuming I was tanked?
Molly: Come on, mom, it was after six.

Mike: Why is it so dark in here?
Peggy: I'm practicing for when I'm dead.
Mike: Ma, don't be that way.
Peggy: Nobody gets out of here alive, Mikey.
Mike: [gives concerned look to Carl]
Officer: She's fine.
Peggy: [brings out ham] Here. Eat it before it rots, a fate that awaits us all.

Joyce: [the team Mike and Vince bet on aren't doing so hot and Joyce comes into the room] I made you boys sandwiches.
Vince: Get out, you jinx!
Joyce: Well, if you want them later, they'll be in the garbage!
Mike: Ah, damn it! How did he miss that shot?
Vince: I blame Joyce. Her juju was still in the room.
Joyce: Well, you won't see my juju, my ta-tas. or my boom-boom for quite a while.

Mike: The worst thing you could do is fill people with hope!
Molly: Stop quoting your mother's pillows!

Mike: [to Molly after sneezing in the car] Here's a million dollar idea. Windshield wipers on the *in* side.

Mike: I feel kinda sexy. These silk pajamas are like butterfly kisses all over my body.

Mike: [Peggy is trying to convince Mike and Molly to move in with her, but it's causing a tense situation with Joyce] Ma, please, just stay out of it.
Peggy: Yeah, stick to what you know. Orgies and edible underpants.
Joyce: [menacingly] Keep talking, I'll slap that Polygrip right out of your mouth.

Mike: I was kinda in the zone. Every time I opened my mouth, something charming fell out.

Victoria: [Smiling] Hey, Mike. If I blaze up, are you gonna get all piggly wiggly on me?
Mike: You know, Victoria. You don't need to get wasted to have a good time.
Victoria: [Her smile drops and she looks completely confused] What are you talking about?
Mike: I'm just saying that a person doesn't need drugs or alcohol to enjoy themselves.
Victoria: [Still confused, she looks at him as if he's speaking another language] I'm not following you.

Mike: For her it's one night, but Harry's gonna be prepping for days. Going to every big-and-tall shop looking for a shirt that's hip, sexy, and doesn't look like someone's tenting for termites.
Molly: This isn't just about Harry, is it?
Mike: Her name was Betsy Zajko. I was a sophmore and she was a senior. I'd just made third-string center on the football team so I was feeling pretty good about myself.
Molly: Whiskey?
Mike: Please.
[Molly hands a glass to Mike and pours]
Mike: Anyway, the summer before, her boyfriend had been killed in a dirt-bike accident, so she was vulnerable and most of the guys in her league were feeling a little gun-shy.
Molly: Understandable.
Mike: I mustered up the courage to ask her out, and to my amazement, she said, "Yes." I showed up to the dance with a new shirt, corduroy vest, and a pair of my dad's dress khakis.
Molly: Ooh. Hello, sexy.
Mike: Molly, please?
Molly: Sorry.
Mike: Anyway, by the end of the night, Betsy had slow-danced or dry-humped the quarterback, the fullback, pretty much anybody with a varsity letter and an erection.
Molly: Oh, honey.
Mike: Yeah, apparently, I was the warm-up act for the entire team. While they were enjoying the fruits of my labor, I was in the parking lot splitting a meat lover's pizza with the fat tuba player from the marching band.
Molly: Yeah, I've got a similar story. Mine ends with me splitting a bag of White Castle hamburgers with a very grabby equipment manager. He's a she now.
[Clinks glass and whiskey bottle]
Molly: I buy my Mary Kay products from her.
[Refills Mike's glass and takes a swig from the bottle]

Mike: The last thing you want to do is get on her bad side.
Molly: Is there a good side?
Mike: Yes, and believe it or not, you're on it. Your tires aren't slashed, no dog turds in the mailbox, and the women in her church don't think you have syphilis.
Molly: Oh, God!
Mike: Why do you think that amazing house across the street from her gets sold every year?
Molly: I thought it was black mold.
Mike: She's the black mold.

Mike: [Speaking of Carl's frugality] Unfortunately, your wallet and your pants are like Superman and Clark Kent: never in the same place at the same time.

Mike: You had to have lunch in Chinatown, didn't you? Smells so good I could go Godzilla on the whole neighborhood.
Officer: He's actually Japanese, but I'm gonna let that go cause I like the imagery.

Mike: [Vince is on the couch, naked under a blanket] Are we having soup?
Molly: No, it's for Baby Bear and you're feeding him, Papa.
Mike: I just walked in the door!
Molly: Hey, wanna know what I found when I walked in the door?
Molly: [lifts Vince's blanket] That! Naked and wet in the bathtub! Look at it!
[Mike turns away, disgusted]
Molly: Look at it! Look at it!
Vince: For God's sake, I'm a human being!
Molly: Let's take a hair sample and see what a biologist has to say about it!

Mike: At the rate Me and Molly are paying down our debt, our first home's gonna be a nursing home.
Samuel: Boo-hoo. My credit rating is so bad, I can't even get into debt.

Mike: Oh, what happened?
Vince: I threw my back out.
Molly: That's what you get for doing it on the floor.
Joyce: We weren't doing it on the floor. We're not animals.
Vince: Yeah, we were doing it in reverse, prairie dog style and I slipped on a strawberry.
Mike: That's what happened to the strawberries.

Vince: What have you got against Paris? It's beautiful. Plus, if you can stomach pit hair on chicks, you can see free boobs on TV.
Officer: You should be a travel agent.

Molly: [Referring to Carl having sex in Mike's apartment] How often does this happen?
Mike: I don't know. I gave him the key about four years ago. So, what is that...? Once every four years?

Mike: [arguing because Mike invited his father to his wedding] Ma, it's my wedding day. Can't you put your differences aside for one hour?
Peggy: One hour? Have you ever been to a Catholic wedding? After three hours of stand, kneel, and pray, you look up at Jesus on the cross and start thinking HE'S THE LUCKY ONE!

Mike: What are you watching?
Victoria: A very informative documentary on UFO's and extraterrestrials.
Mike: Yeah, but, you don't actually believe that we've been visited by aliens, do ya?
Victoria: [Gives him a look] Yes, I do. And they're not just visiting.
[Softly]
Victoria: They're here.
Mike: Really.
Victoria: [Dead serious] Haven't you ever been in a conversation with somebody and the whole time you're thinking, wow... this person's from another planet?
Mike: [Looks her straight in the eye for a long moment] Yes.

Mike: She was showing off and speaking in different languages.
Grandma: You mean in tongues like the Pentecostals?
Mike: No, like French and German and Shakespeare.
Grandma: Oh good, 'cuz I've been to a tent revival and that mess will put you off Jesus!

Mike: It's not a man. It's Carl.

Mike: Ma, why are you like this? You're about to become a grandma, isn't that something even you can enjoy?
Peggy: For how long? Once you get that baby into that house I'll never get to see it again.
Mike: Ma, that's crazy. Why would you even think that?
Peggy: Because I know how I am. I'm a lot to take, Mikey. You don't see it because you're my son.
Peggy: [looks at her with complete amazement that she didn't know he knew, then she says regretfully...] I just know I'll say something awful to your wife's family and then they'll never let me see my grandchild.
Mike: Ma, listen to me. There is nothing you can say, or do, that's going to keep you from that baby.
Peggy: You promise?
Mike: Yes, but please don't take that as a challenge.

Mike: You know how I like to take a bite out of crime? Well today, crime took a bite out of me.
[rolls up sleeve and shows teeth marks]
Molly: Oh my God, what happened?
Mike: I chased this purse snatcher, climbed over a barbed wire fence, into this junk yard where we were both bitten by a Doberman Pinscher, soon everybody was biting everybody else.

Grandma: [Trying to get rid of Mike, who has come knocking on her door at night time] Now, if you will excuse me, Brother Heywood stopped by for pie and coffee.
Mike: Oh, what kind of pie?
Grandma: The kind of pie that 2 consenting adults enjoy alone in the privacy of their own home.
Mike: [Referring to missing 2 social outings that evening] Oh, man... I am 2 for 2.
Grandma: [NOT referring to missed social outings] So is Brother Heywood. Good night, Michael.

Molly: Dinner was delicious. Good for you, finding a man who knows his way around a kitchen.
Officer: I know my way around a kitchen.
Molly: I meant cooking, not finding an Oreo in the dark.

Mike: This is just so weird. I have never seen Molly act like this.
Victoria: Mom, maybe you should tell him.
Mike: Tell me what?
Joyce: Nothing. Shouldn't jump to conclusions.
Mike: Joyce, what's going on?
Joyce: Oh boy, I don't know how to say it.
Mike: Well, just say it.
Joyce: There's a history of mental illness in our family.
Officer: [slightly shocked] Wow.
Joyce: Nothing bad, just barking, eating your own hair.
Victoria: Holding an imaginary baby.
Officer: [even more shocked] Wow.
Mike: Now hang on, let's not go to crazy to fast. I mean, all she did was flip out in front a bunch of nine year olds, climb out a window, walk six miles in the rain...
Mike: [resigned, realizing how it sounds] Wow!

Molly: Let's go to bed.
Mike: Alright. But, we're not gonna have sex *every* night. You okay with that?
Molly: No. You're puttin' out.

Mike: [after making up] Does this mean I can have my kitchen privileges back?
Joyce: Yes. Mostly because I need you to fix the sink, Molly's credit cards did a number on the disposal.
Mike: [laughs, then serious] But it did shred them, right?
Joyce: Oh yeah.

[last lines]
Molly: I love you, Mike.
Officer: I love you, Molly.

Mike: Look, I'm sorry things went wrong between you two, but maybe you should sign the papers so you can get on with the rest of your life.
Vince: What's left of it.
Mike: Vince!
[to Francine]
Mike: What do you say?
Francine: Same thing I've been saying for the last fifteen years. I'm not signing anything 'til he pays me the ten grand he owes me.
Mike: You owe her ten grand?
Vince: I borrowed two and she's been doubling the vig annually for fifteen years, which is a nice way to treat your husband.
Francine: You took my youth!
Vince: I never saw your youth! The man who took your youth was wearing a powdered wig!

Mike: Hey that's a stop sign, slow down.
Molly: Crime doesn't slow down!
Mike: Hey, that's my thing!

Mike: Carl, you're my best friend in the world, but you're a hot head and a loud mouth.
Officer: That's just when we have to play good cop, bad cop.
Mike: It's actually more
[placing his hand on his chest]
Mike: embarrassed cop, and
[waving his hand towards Carl]
Mike: source of embarrassment cop.

Mike: [At the opera with Molly] God, where is John Wilkes Booth when you need him?

Mike: Joyce, do you mind if I ask you a personal question?
Joyce: 17, high school gym teacher.
Mike: What?
Joyce: What?

Mike: So are we still serving him coffee?
Molly: Yeah, sure. Just 'cause he's dead to us doesn't mean we can't be polite.