200 Best Hot in Cleveland Quotes

Alex: I don't watch that much television.
Victoria: Of course not; it doesn't have a mirrored surface.

Peg: Elka was the tramp. Always backing up into a hand drier so it would blow her bowling skirt up.
Elka: That was an accident... every time.

[last lines]
Ye'arj: Well, thank you for your hospitality. Oh, here.
[places parcel on table]
Ye'arj: Take this one.
Melanie: Oh, but, it's addressed to the Thompsons.
Ye'arj: Ah, you know how sometimes you forget to tip the mailman, and you think it doesn't matter?
Melanie: Yeah...
Ye'arj: It always matters.

[first lines]
Joy: Sorry I'm late; what'd I miss?
Victoria: Oh, we were just telling sad, bloated Melanie that Alec was right to break up with her.
Joy: What! That's a horrible thing to say. You're going to make her cry.
Elka: That's the plan.
Melanie: I haven't been able to cry since Alec and I broke up, and I feel like it's all bottled up inside me. If I could just get one good cry, maybe I could get over him.
Joy: Got it. Has anyone mentioned that he's probably banging some hot twenty-something already?
Elka: I said twins.
Joy: Well, the movie's in ten minutes. Everyone says you can't watch 'The Diary' without bursting into tears.
Victoria: Oh, yes! 'The Diary' is the movie 'The Notebook' goes to see when it wants to feel sad.
Joy: After all the artsy-fartsy cinema Elka and I have had to sit through in our Theory of Film class, we could use a little mindless entertainment. No sub-titles, no moral ambiguity, no chess games with death.
Elka: And only good-looking people get naked.
Melanie: Look, you guys, I'm really not up for a movie. You go. I'm going to stay here and finish my wine. I'll pay the cheque.
Joy: Oh, honey, are you sure?
Melanie: Ah, don't try to be nice; it only makes it harder.
Victoria: Well, bye, Mel; sorry you're so hideous.
Joy: And unlovable.
Elka: Have fun dying alone.
Melanie: Nothing.

Victoria: Oh, please! No one's littler than you. If I popped your head back, a Pez would fly out.

[Melanie is stressed out over having said "I love you" to Pete]
Joy: Oh, I wouldn't worry about it too much. I've blurted it out when I didn't mean it, too. Someone recently mistook me for Kate Beckinsale, and I told him I loved him.
Elka: Couldn't you have just given him a biscuit for his guide dog?

Joy: I've lost all trust in men, so unconditional love from a neutered male is just what I need.

Melanie: I don't want him not to like me. I like being likeable. Not to brag, but it's kinda my thing.
Victoria: Mm-hm.
Joy: You should be able to tolerate *someone* not liking you.
Melanie: You're right. I mean, a ton of people don't like you and you're fine with it.
[Victoria laughs]
Melanie: I'm, I'm going to staple my mouth shut.

Rick: Don't misunderstand me. I mean the whole marriage would be a complete sham. I would expect nothing in return.
Joy: Then why would you do it?
Rick: Let me demonstrate. Excuse me, miss.
Carol: Yes.
Rick: Hi, I'm Rick and this is Joy, my fianceé. I noticed your expression just changed. You were surprised to hear that we were a couple?
Carol: Well, yes. I guess I was.
Rick: I don't want to put words in your mouth, but several explanations may have popped into your head: He must have money, or he's extraordinarily gifted in bed, or he's so incredibly wonderful that she was able to overlook his non-conformist body type. Did any of those thoughts occur to you?
Carol: Yes, all three of them.

Simon: Halle Berry is in town visiting relatives, and Star Magazine wants a shot. If I can find the smallest trace of cellulite on her thighs, I'll get the cover.
Melanie: A shot of Helle Berry with cellulite would make my day.

Melanie: Wow! These toys are really vintage, and kind of inappropriate. Drunken Irish Potato-Head?
Elka: They had a great slogan. I-rish I was drinkin'.

Angie: Who got the sponsor to cut the rest of us out of that Ovaltine commercial?
Peg: He only wanted me.
Elka: Yeah, and after he had you, you were in and we were out.

[last lines]
Alec: So? What? This is good-bye?
Melanie: Yeah, I guess it is.
[long pause]
Melanie: Although we do live and work together.
Alec: So this is going to be sad *and* awkward.
Melanie: How about we just deal with sad tonight and awkward tomorrow?
Alec: Okay.
[he kisses her cheek]
Alec: Good night, Mel.
[he starts to leave but returns]
Alec: We're going to have to deal with a little of the awkward right now. You have the keys.
[she gives him the keys, and he leaves, then she takes out her phone]
Melanie: Hey, Jenna. It's mom. No. No, everything's okay. I just, just really wanted to talk to my baby. So, what's new? Aaah, oh wow, you're kidding! That's great. It's just great. No, no, I got time. Yeah, I just... want to hear everything.

[first lines]
Emmet: To you.
Victoria: And you. I'd give you a standing O, but we already did that in the shower.
Nikki: [knocking] Emmet, I know you're in there!
Emmet: Oh, no.
Victoria: Who is it?
Emmet: Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh. She has bat-like hearing.
Nikki: I heard that.
[Nikki enters]
Nikki: Emmet, we need to talk.
Victoria: Excuse me, but who are you to barge into my trailer?
Nikki: I'm his wife. Who the hell are you?

Melanie: I thought you guys were supposed to be getting along.
Joy: We tried all morning not to snipe at each other, and knowing we can't snipe at each other only made us snipe at each other more.
Melanie: Well, you can't run away from the problem.
Joy: The problem is 92 years old; I think I can.

Victoria: You'll find that this is the hardest part of real life. You can't naturally fade out and go to commercial.

Elka: I've come to throw a drink in your face... what did I do with my drink?

Heather: If the governor admits to infidelity, his poll numbers will go down 5%. But, if he admits to getting his eyebrows groomed, they go down 20%. This is Ohio. We want our men to be ungroomed and our vegetables to be meat.

Melanie: I don't know what to do, but I really should tell him, shouldn't I? What's that machine say?
Agent: It's a polygraph, ma'am, not a magic 8-ball.
Melanie: No reason to be mean.
Agent: Sorry, ma'am.
Melanie: I was talking about the 'ma'am'.

Elka: Desperate much?

Melanie: Your bail is very high.
Victoria: Did you have to insult the judge like that?
Elka: He called me elderly.
Joy: Well, you are elderly.
Elka: And he was really fat.

Melanie: Maybe this is just what I need to get over Alec.
Elka: You know the old saying.
Melanie: When God closes a door, he opens a window?
Elka: No. The best way to get over a man is to get under another one.

Sean: Are you a Star Trek fan?
Joy: I've actually never seen a Star Trek movie.
Sean: Wow. We're going to change that tonight. I'm going to boldly go where no man has gone before.
Elka: Unlikely.

Joy: I can't believe you're choosing injections of botulism over your best friend. Doesn't that worry you?
Victoria: Yes, of course it does, but I figure if I can get to Chicago, then at least I won't look worried.

[last lines]
Yoder: Thee?
Elka: Uh, I'm uh... Let's discuss it over dinner.
[walks out door and turns to address disapproving friends]
Elka: Hey, it's a date. Don't waiteth up.

Melanie: [as Joy leaves for her 'booty call'] Oh my God, look at that wind! Her clothes are going to fly right off!
Joy: That's the plan!

[first lines]
Victoria: Ice. I need ice.
Joy: I realize it's happy hour somewhere, but isn't it a bit early even for you?
Victoria: It happens to be an emergency.
[holding ice tray against the side of her neck]
Victoria: I pulled a muscle fastening my bra.
Elka: What's going on?
Joy: Victoria's having a senior moment.
Elka: Oh, I have those all the time. I can be walking along, happy as a clam, and suddenly I get this overwhelming urge to hit some young person with a stick.

Jenna: How's the baby? Did you come up with a name yet?
Melanie: Too Tired.
Jenna: That's all right; you've got time.
Melanie: No, that's her name: Too Tired. When the nurse asked me what to put down all I could say was 'too tired' and I just didn't have the energy to correct her.
Jenna: My friend's mum had a late baby too. Her name is Why God Why.

Elka: I'll be fine after a 24-hour bender. Benders fix everything... except quitting alcohol.
Joy: So, how far in are you.
Elka: Uh, 8 hours, maybe 20. My watch might be upside down.

Joy: [about the dog] Maybe there's something we can do to cheer him up. What do I do when I need cheering up?
Elka: He can't do that, Joy. He's been fixed.

Elka: Is everything all ready?
Nate: Yup, all set.
[the lights go down, and Victoria's dress fluoresces the words Vote Elka .com]
Elka: Who's MacGyver now?

Joy: You're not old. Forty's the new twenty-five.
Victoria: I thought forty was the new thirty.
Joy: Well, if we're just going to make crap up, I'd rather be twenty-five.

Victoria: And honestly, if you don't bring up the fact that you're not a man in the first five minutes of conversation, it is so hard to swing it back around.

Victoria: Are you really as good as they say you are?
Danny: Did John Glenn go to jail for murder?
Joy: What murder?
Danny: I rest my case.

Elka: We've never had a big star in the house before.
Victoria: I'm big, Elka.
Elka: Well sure, compared to her, you're a moose.

Joy: Well, that was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. And I used to wax Roseanne.

Victoria: Do you want this puppy?
Oscar: Oh. Is NPR sponsored by the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation?
[everyone looks blank]
Oscar: Boy, nobody listens to NPR, do they?

Penny: I'm so glad we had this time together.

Melanie: Those cute Van Halen boys, they were Hot For Teacher, but they hated Sammy Hagar.

[last lines]
Doctor: Oh, Mamie, you're always such a shameless flirt. May I be forward with you?
Mamie: Please.
Doctor: What are you doing Saturday night?
Mamie: I'm having dinner with a tall, handsome doctor.
Doctor: [disappointed] Oh.
Mamie: It's you!
Doctor: It's me?
Mamie: It's you.
[to the others over his shoulder as they hug]
Mamie: See, that's how it's done.

Elka: Kill them first.

[last lines]
Angie: I'd like to make a toast, to us. To friendship, to our championship seasons.
[they all raise their glasses]
Angie: To us! Champions!

Bob: Your feet are telling me that you're a lonely woman.
Julie: Oh? What are my breasts telling you?
Bob: That it's a little chilly in here.

[first lines]
Narrator: Hello. I'm Alex Trebek, host of America's favorite game show.
Studio: WHEEL... OF... FORTUNE!
Narrator: That's right, Jeopardy. And I want to welcome all of you to the greatest night of television you will ever witness. First off, and performing live, four women who are at the very peak of their craft. One of them is drunk. You'll see. Now, when we last saw our ladies we had left them in a number of cliff-hangers, but don't worry, we're going to resolve all of that for you, right here, but on next week's episode. So be sure to tune in next week for that. But for tonight, without any further ado, live from Studio City this is Hot... in Cleveland!

Melanie: What if he's missing me too and Los Angeles was filled with so many sad memories he's flying to Paris to fill a void in his life? What if this is *our* meet on top of the Empire State Building moment?
Joy: Have you been watching Sleepless in Seattle again?
Melanie: No! Yes. But I got it down to once a month.
Victoria: You know, I was up for a part in that movie.
Joy: Course you were.

Elka: I'm sorry I said all those awful things about you.
Mamie: But you didn't.
Elka: Check your Facebook page.

Joy: You know, about your earlier offer...
Rick: Oh, the one you so summarily rejected?
Joy: Yes. Well, things have changed and I need a green card right away, so here goes, I'm so desperate, I guess I will marry you. I'm sorry, that can't be how you pictured a proposal response.
Rick: No, that's exactly how I pictured it.

Diane: [when Melanie, Joy, and Victoria visit Elka in jail] Oh, you're right. They do look like hookers.

Sally: So, how 'bout you? How'd you do with the fireman?
Joy: We have a date.
Sally: I give it six months.
Sally: [ecstatic] Really?

Melanie: What are you even doing here?
Bob: Well, I got Joy's sexy text.
Joy: My text said I needed a few days off.
Bob: The text I got said you wanted me to get you off for a few days!
Joy: Ohhh! Stupid auto-correct.

[last lines]
Simon: You know, I never thought I'd say this, but... d'you want to go to bed, grandma?
Joy: I sure would, grandpa.
Simon: Worst dirty talk ever.
Joy: Oh, shut up and kiss me.

Melanie: All these toys were over at Elka's place.
Elka: Well, I did a lot of baby-sitting when I was young.
Joy: Was it hard pushing a stroller around before the invention of the wheel?

[last lines]
Melanie: Are you really thinking of finding your son?
Joy: Maybe. It's all just a... a lot.
Melanie: I can't imagine.
Joy: Yes, you can. You're a mother.
Victoria: Hey. So are you.
Joy: Thanks. Ah, it's just so weird to think of him out there, a grown man. He could be married, have kids of his own. I might even have... grandkids.
Elka: Hey, maybe one of 'em's old enough for you to date.
[the others just look at her]
Elka: Too soon?

Melanie: Talk to him. People say that communication is the key to any relationship.
Victoria: People don't say that; women say that. Lonely women whose boyfriends have left them because they always want to talk about the relationship.

Elka: What's with the big M?
Diane: It stands for murder.
Elka: Is that what you're in for?
Diane: No. It's what I've been thinking about ever since you started playing that harmonica.

Melanie: [at the airport] Anders, Joy and Victoria told me everything. But, before you get on that airplane, I really need to tell you how I feel. You are the biggest
[metal detector beeps]
Melanie: . You
[metal detector beeps]
Melanie: cheated on me while we were married and then you used me to cheat on your
[metal detector beeps]
Melanie: fiancee because you don't know what
[wand beeps]
Melanie: you want. You are a selfish
[wand beeps]
Melanie: who doesn't think about anybody else but himself, so you know what? You can just go
[wand beeps]
Melanie: yourself!
Eleanor: Really saw that going another way.
Melanie: [stumbles walking away] Ooh, puppy-tails!

Victoria: Now, I just have to stage my funeral.
Elka: I'll take care of that.
Victoria: Have you ever planned a funeral before?
Elka: I've been planning three of 'em since you moved in.

Melanie: Now, let's jaw a little bit about this dog park issue. Why are you agin it?
Councilman Powell: Look, I think that all the people care about is that I'm a disabled African-American Ohio State football hero, that believes Cleveland is the best city in the world.

[last lines]
Victoria: The hero kidney donor would like some breakfast.
Melanie: Elka.
Victoria: I would like my initials in my cappuccino foam. And not the two letters you put in there yesterday.
Joy: I say we poison her.
Elka: She's only got the one kidney. It wouldn't take much.

Sally: I once knew a man named Phil. He also refused to listen. I carry a small souvenir of that encounter.
Victoria: [gasps] Is that a human ear?
Sally: Phil has only one now, but strangely, his hearing has improved.

Elka: It's all your stupid cop boyfriend's fault.
Melanie: I know, and Pete's being punished. I am not talking to him.
Elka: That's not how you punish a man. You talk more!

[last lines]
Joy: I need to stop being so desperate. If Simon gets in contact, good. But if he doesn't, it's cool.
[her phone chimes]
Joy: I'm not going to define myself by whether or not some man-
[screams as she looks at phone]
Joy: It's a text from Simon; he's coming next week and he can't wait to see me! What am I going to wear? What if my face breaks out? What if he meets a more beautiful woman than me on the plane? I'll kill her, that's what I'll do! And I'll do it slowly.
Elka: I know who else liked to do it slowly. Old Red-eyes.
Melanie: Sinatra was Old Blue-eyes.
Elka: When I snuck into his room, he was pretty drunk.

Victoria: Oh, Lord, Hailey Nash! All those dreadful female empowerment songs.
Joy: Her music takes me back to a time when music sucked.

[first lines]
Joy: We're still in a rented house in Ohio, right?
Victoria: Yup.
Joy: So last night a guy fifteen years younger than me really did give me his phone number.
Victoria: Oh, it's the magic of Cleveland, Joy. All the most beautiful people in the world move to L.A. to become stars, leaving behind in their wake beauty voids for the rest of us to fill.

Victoria: Now that 'Edge of Tomorrow' is cancelled, this'll be my very last chance to show that Susan Lucci who the real queen of daytime is.
Joy: Judge Judy?
Victoria: You know, darling, instead of making fun, perhaps you should go and find the bottom half of your skirt.

Elka: [eulogy at funeral] Victoria Chase may have been vain, bubble-headed, and crazy...
Melanie: But?
Melanie: There's no but.

Milo: Better get going, Dr. Deb; we have an appointment with a private client.
Dr. Deb: Yes, yes. If you ladies will excuse me, I need to see a horse about a man.

Melanie: Maybe it is to soon for me to start dating.
Joy: That's ridiculous. You like him and he likes you; you're already ahead of most of my relationships.

Melanie: I put in an application for him, and they're going to send over a home inspector next week to see if we're dog worthy. So we have *got* to be good because everybody wants him.
Victoria: Well, what to we do? Who do we pay? Who does Joy sleep with?
Melanie: No, things like money and sexual favors aren't going to do the trick.
Joy: Wow. We really aren't in L.A. any more.

Bob: We're on our honeymoon.
Julie: At the Pines Motel?
Bob: The original plan was Disney, but I went over budget buying my wife; you see, she's a Russian mail-order bride.

[last lines]
Melanie: You are amazing.
Alec: So, is this your fantasy?
Melanie: It's better than a fantasy. It's real.

[first lines]
Perky: We have on the line with us Victoria from Cleveland. Tell us, Victoria, why are you so excited about these amazing Space Bags?
Victoria: Well, the love of my life was recently thrown into prison, and it turns out that jail cells have no closet space at all. I'll take five hundred.
Melanie: Victoria!
[grabs the phone]
Melanie: Miss Chase will not be purchasing Space Bags at this time. Thank you.
Victoria: Why are you shop-blocking me?
Elka: [Elks enters carrying a shotgun] I heard noises.
Joy: Is that thing loaded?
Elka: One of us is.
Melanie: Well, we're having an intervention for Victoria.
Elka: Because of her drinking?
Melanie: No.
Joy: She's grief-shopping,

Elka: [to Joy] You're too old and creaky to be robbing the cradle.
Joy: *I'm* old! Was Ohio even a state when you were born?
Elka: They were talking about it.

Joy: Maybe I should just call him and tell him the truth.
Victoria: Are you out of your mind! What if he isn't your son?
Melanie: "I might be your mother." Probably a romance killer.
Victoria: Mm-hm. And what's even more horrific is you'd have to admit that you're old enough to be his mother. Now, how old does he think you are?
Joy: He said I looked thirty-eight.
Elka: Your son is mentally challenged?

Elka: The truth is I'm a great driver, but sometimes I like to drive *real* slow, just to mess with people.

Melanie: Hey, guys, guess what? It's our birthday in two weeks!
Joy: You're kidding.
Elka: You all have birthdays on the same day?
Victoria: No no no, but we decided that, seeing as birthdays are so generally unpleasant...
Melanie: Depressing, scary...
Joy: Drunk and hazy...
Victoria: We decided that we'd just celebrate ours all together on a neutral day. And that way, we don't have to acknowledge the day that we actually get older.
Joy: It works great; I really don't know how old I am.

Victoria: I just need time to think. Oh, if only there were a hideout I could go to where the police couldn't find me.
Melanie: If only someone among us had a criminal past.
Victoria: And was once married to the mob.
Joy: And is right here. And old enough to remember where she was when Caesar was assassinated.

Susan: [entering the funeral] May I say something, please?
Victoria: [snarls] Lucci!
Susan: Thank you so much. And thank you, Victoria, for so many, many, many years of work, rising before dawn to put on all that makeup in a brave but futile attempt to hide the ravages of time. And now, picturing her in a coffin reminds me of those performances: stiff and lifeless; held together with chemicals and glue. Something best buried and forgotten. Oh, Victoria, I promised myself I wouldn't cry... and I've kept that promise. Thank you.
[she picks up Victoria's Emmy statuette. Victoria gasps]
Susan: What? We all know I deserved to win that year.
[leaves with the Emmy]

[last lines]
Joy: Oh, don't feel so bad, Melanie. I didn't know about Elton John *or* George Michael. I thought he wanted *my* sex.
Melanie: I didn't even know the Village People were gay.
Victoria: Yeah, they kind of ruined that cowboys with short shorts and a moustache look for straight guys.
Elka: In my day nobody knew anything about anyone. Rock Hudson. Tab Hunter. I had a big thing for Liberace.
Melanie: You thought Liberace was straight.
Elka: I could have turned him.

[first lines]
Elka: Look at our baby; he's so depressed.
Melanie: Maybe we should just take him back to the vet.
Joy: No, the vet said he was fine physically.
Elka: Well, maybe he's just sad because Joy looks like a bone he can't chew on.
Victoria: Or maybe because for every one of our years he ages seven. That would depress the hell out of me.

Joy: Let's kill him!

Joy: This is why the internet was invented; for men to find pictures of naked celebrities and women to cyber-stalk the men they trust.

Elka: [about Joy] Just copy everything she does.
Mamie: I don't think I could pull off that skirt.
Elka: Many have.

Artie: If I were your man, I would never leave your side.
Preshi: Never?
Artie: Never... except to use the bathroom.

Victoria: [comforting Melanie after telling her her date is married] Honey, what can we do?
Joy: Let's kill him!
Melanie: That's your solution to everything.
Joy: Well, could we just try it once?

Joy: Stupid glue. I can't get this wine-glass out of my hand.
Elka: Well, that's how you look eighty percent of the day anyway.

Joy: What's happening now?
Victoria: Oh, she's making some sappy speech, and he's overplaying it like crazy. Like one of those warm moments on 'Glee'.

Joy: What do you think, Simon?
Simon: I think you're confirming my worst fear that anything I do in bed will be analyzed and dissected by a pack of critical females.
Joy: *You* have nothing to worry about.
Elka: Yeah, we have no idea you're an uncut jewel.

Victoria: Oh, Maddie, can you ever forgive me?
Maddie: Yes, I can forgive you, Victoria. You were awful to me.
Victoria: Yeah.
Maddie: And I was awful to you. And you know what we call that in the theater? Friendship.

Elka: Who do you have to shank to get a drink around here.

Victoria: [about Joy] Now, you may not realize this, Elka, but we are in the presence of a genius. Ill-tempered, disagreeable, snarky, yes. But, I would trust her with my life and, more importantly, with my hair.

[first lines]
[there is an incoherent babble as Melanie, Joy, Victoria Philipa and Owen are all talking at once]
Reverend: Stop! One at a time, tell me what the hell just happened in my church.

Melanie: Anyway, I want to look a little slutty. Tonight's the big night with Alec. And it has to be perfect. *I* have to be perfect. So I spent all day getting prepped, and tweezed, and waxed. My whole body's as smooth as a porpoise.
[Emmet has entered]
Melanie: Oh, hi. Emmet. I didn't know you were here.
Emmet: No need for embarrassment. Go on, you were saying: you're as smooth as a porpoise.
Melanie: Men like that, right?
Emmet: Well, it all depends. Sometimes you like the tightly mown lawn of an English country garden, and sometimes you like the steamy jungle of the Amazon rain forest.
Melanie: Oh no! What if Alec's an Amazon guy, and I destroyed the rain forest?
Emmet: Men are not nearly as judgmental as you think. We care more about response, and enthusiasm. If you like the show, let us know.
Elka: Especially if you want an encore.

[last lines]
Victoria: My hot gardener went back to his ex-wife.
Elka: Those first wives'll get you every time.
Victoria: Yeah. Well, I'll get over it, but... he was a good man. And God, could he fill a pair of jeans. Now, he had a butt like two scoops of ice cream.
Elka: Max too. Soft serve, but the same idea.

Johnny: Seriously, you look even sexier in person than you did on your show.
Victoria: You watched Edge of Tomorrow?
Johnny: Sure. I was always bragging to the roadies how I used to drill you like the Gulf of Mexico.
Victoria: Still don't follow the news, do you!

[first lines]
Joy: Hey, everybody. Our group birthday is coming up, and I know *exactly* who I want to be fixed up with. I met a man this year who touched me deeply.
Elka: That could be half of Cleveland.
Joy: It's our poetry professor, Robin York. He's so spiritual and sensitive.
Melanie: Well, I want that guy that we met at the PetSmart Charities adoption thing; his name is Rex. Or maybe his dog's name is Rex.
Victoria: Well, now that I'm engaged, of course I don't need an actual date, which is a good thing, considering the freaks you guys have set me up with. Manboobs, conjoined twins, human tail!
Joy: Oh, come on, that last guy was perfect except for the tail.
Victoria: Did you hear what you just said? No no, this time I just want a business date; I really want a part in the next Wes O'Rourke movie.
Joy: The indie film director? He went to school with my film professor; I can make that happen.
Victoria: Excellent.
Mamie: [knocks and enters] Knock, knock. Look what I brought.
Joy: Oooh, breakfast wine.
Mamie: It's GLOB wine, which stands for Gorgeous Ladies of Bowling... wine.
Melanie: Gorgeous Ladies of Bowling?
Mamie: That was our team. Nineteen sixty-two and sixty-three city champions.
Elka: We bought this wine and said we'd drink it together in fifty years.
Mamie: Only we lost track of the others.
Elka: That's what I want for my birthday: reunite the old gang.
Melanie: Well, I can do that. Who are they?
Mamie: [showing a GLOB poster] There's Elka and me. All we need to find is Diane, Angie and Peg.

[last lines]
Joy: What are these?
Maddie: Oh, Professor Knoll must of left his signs.
Joy: Yeah.
[reads]
Joy: "More wine, please." "You were wonderful in that." "You deserve the Tony."
Maddie: Aw, that ones for me.
Joy: "You should win an Oscar."
Victoria: Aw, that one's for me
Joy: "I still think about our night together."
Victoria: Awwww!

Melanie: [very perky] Morning. How'd everyone sleep? Me, rock. And what a beautiful Ohio morning; birds are chirping, people are smiling, someone actually said "Hi-ya" to me! With the 'ya'!
Elka: Who put a quarter in that one?

Joy: Does anyone else smell pot?
Elka: What are you, a cop?
Joy: No.
Elka: Then what's it to you?

Victoria: I know that it's common for a woman to start losing her memory in her early forties.
Elka: You've already forgotten your age.
Victoria: I was born in 1968.
Melanie: But I thought you were born in 1969.
Victoria: Oh my God, I've forgotten my fake age.

Melanie: Hey! Guys! Guess what? I have a date with my gynecologist.
Elka: They're called appointments, dear.
Joy: We've all been there, Melanie. So desperate for a man's touch you make an appointment you don't even need.
Melanie: No, I've never done that.
Joy: Nor have I.

Robin: You're a beautiful woman, but I don't value outward beauty much. Perhaps that's because I'm... so beautiful myself.

[first lines]
Melanie: Hey!
Elka: Oh, how was the farmers' market?
Melanie: Weird.
Joy: In L.A. a farmers' market means sushi, pâté and chilladas.
Victoria: This is just a bunch of stuff... grown by farmers.

Melanie: She gave me a tapeworm! I thought you said you'd been taking that supplement for years.
Susan: I have. Look at me. At this point, I'm more worm than woman.

[first lines]
Victoria: Well, thank God Wilbur's present arrived from France in time for his birthday. What did you always dream of having when you were a little girl growing up in Poland?
Elka: Food.
Victoria: But a close second must have been... an eighteenth century beaux arts marionette theater.
Joy: Oh no, the instructions are in French.
Elka: What's French for 'puppets are creepy'?
[Victoria has picked up a puppet]
Elka: It looks just like you.
Joy: There is a resemblance.
Victoria: What? This freakish creature looks nothing like me.
Melanie: [Melanie enters] Hey, where'd you get the Victoria puppet?

Joy: You know, they say if you love something, set it free. But I've never understood that. I say if you love something lock it in the basement and feed it through a slot in the door until it loves you back.

Jack: I'm sorry ma'am.
Melanie: And don't call a woman "ma'am". We hate it. Call us "Miss" until the day we die.

Sally: While we're waiting for the doctor, I could get the rest of that suit off you.
Sean: You mean 'soot'?
Sally: That too.

[first lines]
Melanie: Elka! Elka!
Joy: Let us in!
Melanie: Elka, please, the tornado's
[drowned out by thunderclap]
Melanie: . We're all going to die.

Melanie: [stumbles on the stairs] Oh, sugar-foot. I always trip on that gosh-darn step.
Victoria: Oh, it's like a Mamet play in here.

Melanie: I love being Scarlet DeNeuve. You know that Scarlet got invited into the cockpit on the plane. And joined the Mile High Club.
Joy: You had sex with the pilot?
Melanie: Wait, that's what that means? I thought Mile High Club was when they gave you these little plastic wings.

Elka: There's your professor, Joy.
Joy: So deep and sophisticated. It's like the Leonard Cohen song: he wants to touch my perfect body with his mind.
Mamie: I'd like to touch his perfect body with my hand.
[Elka stares at her]
Mamie: This may not be my first drink.

Carl: Another question. Favorite medication?
Elka: Oh, that's a tough one. Oh, all things considered, I think I'm going to have to say Celebrex.
Carl: Celebrex, nice. I'm an Allopurinol man, myself.
Elka: Ooo, gout. Somebody likes to party.

Joy: [Melanie has agreed to go out with Anders] We're screwed.
Victoria: Screwed, stewed and tattooed. From a Tennessee Williams play. I played Esmeralda in summer stock.
Joy: You know, I didn't think you'd be able to make this about yourself. I underestimated you.

Elliot: The winner of this year's celebrity drag pageant is... Susan Lucci!
Victoria: Nooooo!

Melanie: I'm sure pre-schools were different in your day.
Elka: My pre-school was a box. My teacher was a potato. And winter came... and I had to eat my teacher!

Elka: I signed up when by bender was over. In fact, that's my screen name, Bender Over.

[first lines]
Elka: Last season on Hot in Cleveland...
Joy: Let's just be positive.
Elka: How? They caught me red-handed with stolen Mafia loot.

Sara: That's your fianceé? Wow! You must be...
Rick: Yes. Yes I am. Now, I'd like a bottle of your best champagne and a side order of your telephone number.

[first lines]
Melanie: Morning, ladies. What's up?
Mamie: Elka's teaching me how to flirt. Right now we're in a happening night spot, and I'm dressed very provocatively.
Elka: Excuse me, is this seat taken?
Mamie: Have we started, or are you really asking?
Elka: You see what I'm up against?
Victoria: Good morning, ladies.
Melanie: Where's Oscar?
Victoria: Unpacking.
Mamie: Oscar? Who's he?
Victoria: She. My daughter. After I had Emmy and Tony, I was determined to have an Oscar no matter what.
Melanie: Oscar's been studying journalism in London for the last two years; now she works for NPR.
Victoria: And she's here to do a story on me.
Melanie: Actually, it's a story about *us*, moving from LA to Cleveland.
Victoria: It's about second acts in life, and how I moved here and reinvented myself.
Melanie: *We* reinvented ourselves!
Victoria: I hope that's not the selfish tone you're going to take in the interview.

[first lines]
Joy: [Bob and Joy kiss passionately] Did they see us?
Bob: Yes, lover.
Joy: They can't hear us; you don't need to call me lover.
Bob: It's called undercover work, Joy. We're chasing identity thieves here, crafty and suspicious; if we want to get close to them we have to convince them we're just an ordinary couple.
Joy: Got it.
Bob: But we mustn't get too attached, you and I. That will only lead to heartbreak. Your heartbreak.

[last lines]
Melanie: Guess who gave George Clooney a bath!
[enters carrying the dog]
Joy: Oh, I'm so glad we picked a good name for him. Now we can all honestly say we've slept with George Clooney.
Melanie: Just remember he's a dog, not a person; we don't want to become those wacky, middle-aged women whose lives revolve around their pets.
Elka: Then I guess you don't want to see him in this.
[holds up a doggie chef outfit]
Victoria: Dear God, that's cute.
Joy: It's adorable. Put it on him now.
Melanie: No, seriously, put it on him.
[hands George Clooney to Elka]
Melanie: now.

Melanie: I'm just a nice, ordinary girl who wants a nice, ordinary orgasm.

Mamie: Someone's at our table.
Diane: Hello, GLOBs!
Elka: Looks like she made it after all.

[first lines]
Melanie: Well, cross another thing off my bucket list. I have been to a nude beach.
Victoria: I didn't know Cleveland had a nude beach.
Melanie: It has one more than it should.
Elka: Who said I wouldn't run into anyone I knew there?
Melanie: Elka, I'm sorry; how was I to know that your butcher was going to be at a nude beach?
Elka: I'll never be able to order kielbasa from that man again.

[last lines]
Pete: What the hell is all this stuff?
Melanie: Wait, wha', you were going to say something.
Elka: You had to date a cop, didn't you?

Elka: Oh come on, Victoria, she's so cute. Can't we keep her?

Max: Elka, I can't be alone in Florida; the women are all over me. I'm like a Cheeto in a flock of seagulls.

Joy: Thanks, Melanie. You're good at this. Bye.
Melanie: You know, I *am* good at this. I mean, when I'm just being myself. See, I was told I needed to be more folksy, more Honey Boo-Boo. But people like those shows because they're being themselves. So for the rest of Askageddon, I'm just going to be me, and I hope you like it.
[the board guy taps on the window and points to his watch]
Melanie: And that concludes Askageddon. I'll see you tomorrow, folks... I hope.

[last lines]
Alex: Ah, good evening. Couldn't sleep. Perhaps I'll have some hot milk.
Elka: I couldn't either. I, I wanted to finish this, but my bedazzler keeps getting stuck.
Alex: Maybe I can help; let me see.
[he puts his arms round her reaching for the bedazzler]
Alex: Hey.
Elka: Really? Do you think I'm just another one of these silly women who can't resist your dime-store charm?
Alex: My apologies.
Elka: I didn't say stop!

Melanie: Oh my God, Alex Trebek!
Narrator: That's right, but on weekends I'm Park Ranger Alex Trebek, and I'm here to save you. I read your smoke signals telling me that there were women here in...
[to camera]
Narrator: Jeopardy.

[first lines]
Joy: Say 'Nana'. Say 'Nana', Wilbur, 'Nana'.
Elka: It's official. Men of *all* ages ignore you.
Joy: Look, some of the other babies in Wilbur's play group have already started talking. Actually, I was getting a little embarrassed so I knocked a few months off his age.
Mamie: You lied about a baby's age?
Victoria: Ah, I wish my mother had done that for me. But, no... I'm a self-made thirty-something.

Sean: Nice meeting you all. Got to get back to the firehouse.
Joy: Wait. Um... I was wondering... what are you doing Saturday night?
Sean: Actually, I have a date with a lovely brunette.
Joy: What?
[mutters]
Joy: I'll kill her!
Sean: Sorry, I was trying to be clever. I was talking about you.

Professor: I know what a vagina looks like. It looks like years of alimony.

Sean: Joy didn't mention you were an actress.
Victoria: But then what do you guys talk about?
Elka: You've seen him shirtless. Why would they talk?

Joy: Are you saying you're running for city council? You don't know anything about politics.
Victoria: Well, what does Sonny Bono know? Clint Eastwood? The Schwarzenegger couldn't even pronounce the name of the state he was in.

Mamie: It's three o'clock; Steve Harvey's on.
Elka: Oh, nobody's funnier than Steve Harvey.
Boyce: Really? No-one?
Mamie: He's like the Original King of Comedy.
Boyce: Yeah. Yet, you know, there were other Kings of Comedy, y'know.
Elka: But he was the funny one.
Boyce: Oh, oh, the way Rue McClanahan was the funny one on 'The Golden Girls'.
Elka: I never saw that show.

[last lines]
Professor: Only one person did a film worthy of an A. In a clever homage to the Godzilla films of the 1950s which warned of the horrors of the atomic age, this filmmaker also used frightening imagery to provoke thought. I give you... Elka Ostrovsky's 'Man Hands'.
Joy: Wait. What?
Elka: [narrating film] I was married to the mob. I lived through the horrors of war, but I have never seen anything as terrifying as *man hands*. Man hands.
Elka: [to Joy] I wanted the A.

[first lines]
Agent: Special Agent Griffin Gilmore administering polygraph examination, case number two four nine eight, escape from Ohio federal corrections facility, prisoner Emmet Lawson.
Victoria: Sir.
Agent: Yes?
Victoria: Emmet is a Sir. He was knighted by the queen. You know, like *Sir* Elton John and *Sir* Paul McCartney. Maybe the queen is just a big fame whore and this is her way of meeting celebrities but it should count for something.
Agent: It doesn't.

Joy: *He* wants to be the little spoon?
Melanie: Yes. Which makes me the big spoon!
Victoria: That's crazy!
Melanie: I know!
Elka: No woman should be the jet pack.
Victoria: Well, was the sex worth it?
Melanie: He did a couple of things; two that were good, one not so good. It's rare to find a man that's good at that, let's face it.

Joy: What's that stuff?
Melanie: It's *mock* macaroni and cheese. And the beauty of it: there's no macaroni, and no cheese.
Joy: Yes, nothing ruins macaroni and cheese like macaroni and cheese.

Joy: Ooh, that sounds very satisfying. I've never thrown a drink at a man. I mean, I've slapped a couple of faces, egged a few cars, set the odd house on fire, but never the drink in the face. Oh, this is going to be fun!

[first lines]
Political: The following is a paid political announcement. Elka Ostrovsky *seems* like a sweet old lady, but how well do we know her? We know she's been in jail. We know she was married to the mob. We know she lives with three single women. What's that about? Is this the kind of person we want approving appointees to the Municipal Utilities Commission? I don't think so. Vote Jim Powell for city council.
Councilman Powell: I'm a disabled African-American Ohio State football hero, and I approved this message.
Nate: Elka, as your campaign manager my first job is to go after this guy and all of his vicious, ridiculous, embarrassing lies!
Elka: There's just one problem. All that stuff is true.
Nate: OK, we'll just add that to the equation. You now have a point zero zero one percent chance of winning this election.

Joy: What's going on here? I thought you went to the dance with Max last night.
Elka: I did. But then Nick asked me to dance, and one thing led to another...
Victoria: You cheated on Max?
Elka: Twice! First a waltz, and then a polka!
Victoria: But that's it? You danced?
Elka: A *polka*! The Polish forbidden dance of love!

Victoria: I am definitely going to need an emergency wax.
Elka: But your eyebrows look fine.
Victoria: Oh, it's not my eyebrows I'm worried about.
Joy: Do you think I carry a portable waxing kit?
Victoria: Joy, please!
Joy: OK, fine!
[picks up a candle and serviette from the table]
Joy: I'll MacGyver it.

[last lines]
Victoria: Look at this turnout. You know, Elka's only a few signatures away from getting on the ballot. And her dog park twitter account is trending.
Elka: [laughing] At Elka stop less parks.
Melanie: [looks at @elkastoplessparks banner] You know, when you look at that, it looks like Elka's topless parks.
Elka: [innocently] Does it?
Bob: Well, Joy, I've got a plane to catch.
Joy: Bob's selling the agency and moving back to Canada.
Bob: I made the new owner promise to keep Joy on. He seems like a good guy.
Joy: Good guy, huh?
Bob: Yup. I guess when you look like him, you kind of have to be.
[shows joy a picture of a handsome man]
Joy: I can work with that.
Bob: That's the spirit, Joy. Looks aren't everything.

Melanie: [to radio caller] Why don't you just cut the guy some slack? And if you have to criticize him, do it *after* sex. That way he associates criticism with pleasure.

Joy: I don't care how hot he is, I could never date a do-gooder. They're always so into nature. And eventually that leads to camping. And the next thing you know you're doing that walk of shame into the woods with a rough brown roll of eco-friendly Toilet paper.

Joy: I never told you this, but when I first came to America, I auditioned for the Rockettes. Huh. Only I froze. I couldn't get my legs into the air.
Elka: You sure got over that one.

Melanie: I just hope when Hailey gets my note she forgives me.
Joy: What note?
Melanie: Oh, I paid the bartender to slip her an apology and a CD to autograph, so that way if I get it back in the mail I know she's forgiven me.
Joy: And if you get a restraining order, you'll know she hasn't.
Melanie: Oh, no!
Joy: They're not that bad. You'd be surprised how much trash talking you can do from three hundred feet.

Joy: [about her mother] What, so I'm just supposed to forgive her?
Reverend: We are pretty big on forgiveness here.
Joy: Well, can you recommend a church that's big on revenge? Because I want to go there.

[last lines]
Owen: Boy, kids are a lot of work.
Philipa: Owen, would you mind a bit of advice?
Owen: [uncertainly] Okay. Sure.
Philipa: When he gets older and makes mistakes, don't be too hard on him. Children aren't perfect, but they don't need to know that you know that. The world will tell him he has flaws. Try to be the one that looks at him with the... kindest eyes. It's getting a bit chilly. I need a sweater. Can I get you anything, Joy?
Joy: No, mom. I think I got everything I need.

Bob: Oh God, joy!
Joy: What?
Bob: No, not you; my Canadian girlfriend Joy.
Joy: You really have a Canadian girlfriend?
Bob: Yes!
[speeddials cellphone]
Bob: Hi. Joy, this is Bob. I-I've made a terrible mistake. Look. I'm jumping on the next flight and then the connecting flight and then the puddle-jumper and then the snowmobile and... then I'll be at your door. Yes. I'll, I'll see you in two weeks.

Victoria: A Japanese company wants me to do a commercial. Ah, years of honing my craft, and finally my dream is coming true.
Melanie: Your dream is to do a Japanese commercial?
Victoria: No. To sell out for an obscene amount of money.

Agent: I have never experienced anything like that in my career. You are either an extremely skilled liar or an extremely honest 28-year-old.
Victoria: Thank you.
Elka: You got one truth out of us. Sinatra. He did me *his* way.

Melanie: Remember that cute doctor I met when the bar got held up, and he needed me to take of my Spanx so he could use it as a tourniquet and I thought, at the time, that's the most embarrassing way possible to meet a guy? Well, same guy, more embarrassing way!

Melanie: I'm really sorry about last night, but I really was just trying to help my friend.
Dr. Aaron Everett: Which means you're a nice person.
Melanie: Thank you.
Dr. Aaron Everett: And... I'd like to get to know the girl that broke my uterus. Dinner tonight?
Melanie: Yeah, I'd love to.
Dr. Aaron Everett: I've one more patient to see; you can wait in the waiting room.
Melanie: Okay. Wait! So, while I'm waiting you're going to get to third base with a naked woman?
Dr. Aaron Everett: That's not really how doctors think of it.
Melanie: Hm-mm. Is she attractive?
Dr. Aaron Everett: No.
Melanie: Would you tell me if she was?
Dr. Aaron Everett: No.
Melanie: Is this something I have to get used to?
Dr. Aaron Everett: Yup.

Rick: Your mouth is saying hell no, but your eyes are just saying merely no. Now they're saying hell no.

[last lines]
Victoria: [about her commercial] OK, OK, it wasn't my classiest endeavor. But just remember, it's only airing in Japan. Oh, thank God!
[Victoria's: "Oh my God, is that Victoria Chase?"]
Victoria: It's probably my agent, calling to blow smoke up my - well, you know.
[Victoria leaves]
Joy: When do we tell her it's all over the internet?
Melanie: Oh, I know; I saw it too.
Elka: I posted it.

Alec: [in their office] You faked it with me? Both times? Lock the door!
Melanie: Wait! Here, now?
Alec: Well, we can't go to my place; the workmen are still repairing the hole you kicked in the wall.

Victoria: [on phone] Cherchez ma robe maintenant, ou des têtes tomberont.
Joy: Bloody French.
Melanie: You don't even know who she's talking to.
Joy: Don't need to.

[last lines]
Melanie: So, Elka, when are you going to make it official?
Elka: Oh, that's over. We started having problems.
Melanie: What happened?
Elka: Well, we got along fine but... he wouldn't go downtown. If you know what I mean.
[the three girls are stunned]
Elka: What! I mean there are so many good restaurants and, and shops downtown.
[the three laugh, relieved]
Elka: I can't give that up!
Victoria: Why should you?
Elka: [going to answer the door] What did you think I was talking about?
Joy: So you meant shops.
Melanie: Nothing, nothing at all.
Carl: Hi.
Elka: M-Max.
Elka: Listen, Elka, I don't want to lose you, so if you're still up for it, I'm willing to try going downtown.
Elka: You are?
Carl: Yes. Just hope I don't get lost down there.
Elka: Oh, you won't. I have no trouble telling you where to go.
Carl: It's just that it's so dark and scary there.
Melanie: Happy birthday.
Joy: Happy birthday.
Victoria: Happy birthday.

Carl: [Carl kisses Elka] I've been wanting to do that all night. Now I can get back to my rigatoni.

[first lines]
Melanie: You guys, the strangest thing just happened to me; I had a conversation... with a neighbor.
Joy: Wow! I never even saw my neighbors in L.A. Except during earthquakes.
Victoria: Yeah, sometimes we'd pull into our driveways at the same time and, as our electronic gates were opening, I'd think: "I don't even know their names, and they don't know mine." And the world was good.
Melanie: Well, *that* was the L.A. us; here in Cleveland we're going to get to know our neighbors. In fact, I'm throwing a party. Tomorrow. Look at me being all spontaneous.

[first lines]
Melanie: Airplane mirrors aren't accurate, are they?
Joy: Of course not.
Victoria: They get them from fun houses.

Owen: You seem like a decent guy now, but it's hard to get over all those awful things you've done.
Simon: Abandoning your mother.
Owen: Yeah. And the drug dealing. And the arson.
Simon: What! I never did those things!
Joy: When I first met Owen, I may have told him a few white lies, so he'd hate you as much as I did. Plus, I'd just shot him, and I wanted him to be on *my* side.
Simon: You *shot* him?
Owen: You lied to me!
Joy: Hah, look at us. Oh, we may have just met, but we already have a lot of baggage. We *are* a real family.

Pete: Last night in the tornado, I heard you tell "I love you". but when I started to yell it back, some leaves flew in my mouth and it ruined the moment. So mayble you don't want to hear it right now, but I love you too.
Melanie: Oh Pete, I love you too.
[Pete and Melanie kiss]
Elka: What's the screw doing here?

Melanie: I wish there was some way we could call for help.
Elka: Oh, um, there's a fireplace. I learned to make smoke signals when I was a child.
Joy: Oh, did you learn that on your playdates with Sitting Bull?
Elka: What was your Indian name? Sleeps With Everyone?

Dr. Deb: This is a very unusual family arrangement you have here; I mean, three grown sisters living with their mother.
Elka: [pointing at Joy] Oh, she's not our mother.

Joy: [to Melanie] You're such a little slut.

Elka: Don't you think you're abusing Victoria just a little?
Melanie: Don't you see how pleasant she's being?
Elka: It wasn't a criticism.

Joy: How do I look?
Elka: Like you stepped out of a painting... of hookers!

Melanie: Well, my mum hasn't let me leave the house since she got here. My childhood all over again. She just wants me to stay at home. And eat. I was raised like a veal.
Victoria: That's better than being raised by a ham. Who tries to pork everybody.

Joy: I keep telling you people never change. That's why, instead of confronting *my* mom, I've consumed an entire bottle of wine.
Victoria: You don't seem that drunk.
Joy: Oh, we English never do. The alcohol is neutralized by our bottled-up anger.

Joy: [looking at a man with a dog] You know, I rather like a vet's office. I rather like it a lot.
Melanie: Ah, Joy, please don't.
Mamie: What's she doing?
Melanie: Something happens to Joy when she sees a man bringing a pet to a doctor; it's her love kryptonite.
Joy: It shows they're sensitive, committed, responsible, yet somehow still men.

Victoria: I hate hardware stores.
Joy: Me too. It's all just stuff you need; nothing you ever want.

Joy: Let me ask you something. What's the deal with old ladies and track suits?
Elka: Well, it's simple: in your twenties you dress for men, in your forties you dress for success, in your eighties you dress for a bathroom.

Victoria: So. Nick is *not* going to take no for an answer, huh?
Elka: No. I've never been in a triangle before. You girls are slutty; what would you do?
Joy: Geometry's more Victoria's specialty; she's been into triangles, squares...
Victoria: Yeah, I was almost in a hexagon once, but at the last minute the twins dropped out.

Joy: I get disgusting comments and lewd gestures like ten times a day. It is fantastic!

Reverend: Melanie, what you did was wrong. You can make it up to Victoria by doing her bidding for a week. And listening to her endless Emmet Lawson stories.
Melanie: So, a normal week.

[last lines]
Joy: Just how unflattering was Gwyneth's bathing suit?
Simon: Hideous. Flattened her breasts and gave her back fat.
Joy: Ah! yes!

Melanie: [about her ex] I haven't even gone on a date yet and he's taking his fiancee to Paris. And she's so *young*. She's half my age.
Victoria: Mel, darling, that really isn't that young.
Melanie: My *fake* age!
Victoria: Oh my God, she's a child!
Joy: I say we kill him and make his underage whore watch.

[first lines]
Victoria: Mel! Your taxi's here!
Melanie: Oh, okay, coming.
[stumbles on the stairs]
Melanie: Oh, puppy-tails!
Victoria: Melanie, please. Language. What, is that what you're wearing on the plane?
Joy: Mmm, someone's looking to get bumped to first class.
Melanie: Why, no. As soon as I get to New York, I have to rush straight to Jenna's play; I'm not going to have time to change.
Joy: That's a lot of boobage for your daughter's play.
Elka: Nice girls keep their cookies in a jar.
Melanie: Yes, I know, but Jenna set me up with one of her friends' fathers and we're going out to dinner after.
Elka: Well, in that case, tits ahoy!

Elka: All three of 'em are crazy.
Agent: That's registering as true.
Elka: You didn't look at the machine.
Agent: I didn't have to.

Victoria: These English instructions are worse than the French ones. What or who is Allen Wrench? This stupid car has more pieces than the puppet theater. And it needs two D batteries; where are we going to get those?
[Victoria and Elka both look over at Joy]
Joy: Fine. I'll take them out of my... personal back massager.

Melanie: Sean still not returning your texts?
Joy: He and Bob turn their phones off when they're watching Downton... or playing Half-Life, or going to baseball games. Their bromance is ruining my romance.
Elka: Bros before hos, Joy.
Melanie: Elka!
Elka: Did I say it wrong? They're the bros, she's the ho - no, that's right.

Joy: That was beautiful, Elka. My film's got everything those Oscar winners have: craggy-looking old people talking about Nazis. I'm a shoo-in to get that A.
Elka: Not so fast. I want to interview you for my film.
Joy: Really. But my story can't possibly be as interesting as yours.
Elka: Oh, don't put yourself down, Joy. That's my job.

Melanie: He showed me all around Cleveland, and I'm telling you it's nothing like we think. They have symphonies and museums and light opera - OK, so nobody really likes those things, but they have 'em.

Mamie: Why don't we take a break and get some fresh air?
Mamie: Mamie-Sue, we're already outside.
Mamie: Fine! I'm going inside for some stale air.

[repeated line]
Joy: [to Melanie] You're such a little slut.

Victoria: When a beloved artist inhabits an unforgettable role like Honor St. Raven for the past twenty-seven years and cannot get to the Daytime Emmy Awards to receive her public lauding from her peers, after being overlooked for such a long time... well, then the terrorists have won.

[first lines]
Mike: That was great.
Melanie: Mm-hm.
Mike: You are amazing!
Melanie: Thank you, you're not so bad yourself.
Mike: So, do you want to spoon?
Melanie: Yeah.
[Mike rolls away from Melanie]

Rick: Champagne for everyone.
Pete: What are we celebrating?
Elka: Joy's fake engagement to get a green card. Got a problem with that, porko?
Pete: Congratulations.

Melanie: You *know* Johnny Revere!
Victoria: Every inch of him. One night he pulled me from the audience to dance on stage and gave me a back-stage pass to the best six months of my life.
Joy: Then why is he a bastard?
Victoria: Because, half-way through the tour, he left me stranded on a corner in Winslow, Arizona.
Melanie: Wait, isn't that an Eagles song?
Victoria: Never tell Don Henley anything in confidence when you're doing shots.

Bob: I'll meet you at the motel. But just so you know, John Johnson sleeps in the nude.
Joy: And just so *you* know, Natasha Johnson sleeps with scissors.
Bob: Pajamas it is, then.

Melanie: What *is* all this stuff? I feel like I'm in 'The Goonies'.
Victoria: Wow! Is this stuff real?
Joy: Is that a tiara? Who *are* you?
Elka: I'm Anastasia, the last surviving member of the Romanov dynasty.
Melanie: You are?
Elka: No, but I've always wanted to say that.
Victoria: Is all of this yours?
Elka: No, it's stolen.
Joy: Oh my!
Melanie: What?
Elka: [picks up a knife] And now I'm going to have to *kill* you!
[grins]
Elka: I've always wanted to say that, too.

Joy: You're with a man who thinks you're a man pretending to be a woman?
Victoria: Yes, I am Victor Victoria Chase.

[first lines]
Joy: [plumping a cushion] Simon is going to be here any minute, and these pillows are flat!
Elka: Well, if he's turned off by flat things...
Melanie: [warningly] Elka, not today. She's very nervous. Joy, honey, you have got to calm down.
Joy: I can't. I'm nervous enough that Simon's coming to see me, but he's also meeting his son and his grandson for the first time. I know it's silly of me to hope, but what if it all works out? We could be a real family. Maybe even a perfect family.
Melanie: Well, no family is perfect.
Joy: We'll be. Caroling on Christmas Eve in our matching sweaters. People will look at us and say, "Why can't we be happy like them?" And we'll smile as the spirit of Christmas is replaced by envy in their hearts.
Elka: And I thought Melanie was the one with the brain tumor.

Victoria: Oh my God, this is just like that movie with Kathy Bates from the Stephen King novel of the same name.
Dr. Kang: 'Fried Green Tomatoes'?
Narrator: [to the camera] Ooh, sorry, that's wrong. The response we wanted was "What is 'Misery'?" Everybody knows that 'Fried Green Tomatoes' is from the novel by Fannie Flagg,
Dr. Kang: Stop breaking the fourth wall, Trebek.
Narrator: [backing away] Easy does it. Easy. Easy.
Victoria: He is such a know-it-all.
Dr. Kang: Tell me about it.

Elka: He was attracted to me 65 years ago, and I've only gotten prettier.