Top 300 Quotes From Squidward Tentacles

SpongeBob: Hey Squidward. Hey Squidward. Hey Squidward. Hey Squidward.
Squidward: Okay, I'll bite. What is it.
SpongeBob: Do you know what day it is?
Squidward: Annoy Squidward Day?
SpongeBob: No, silly. That's on the fifteenth.

Squidward: [after thinking Spongebob and Patrick made all those realistic noises using a tape recorder] Alright, where is it?
Patrick: [pops out of Squidward's little green box] Here I am.
SpongeBob: Where's what, Squidward?
Squidward: Don't where's what Squidward me! Where's that tape recorder?
SpongeBob: We don't have a tape recorder, Squidward.
Squidward: Don't we don't have a tape recorder Squidward me!
SpongeBob: But we don't.
Patrick: We do have a tape recorder box.

Squidward: Are you blind? Just look at it!
[an up close look of the lemonade with ice in it and a lemon wedge in it]

Squidward: Years ago, at this very restaurant, the hash-slinging slasher used to be a frycook, just like you. Only clumsier! And then, one night, when he was cutting the patties, it happened...
SpongeBob: He forgot the secret sauce?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: He didn't wash his hands?
Squidward: No!
SpongeBob: Irregular portions?
Squidward: NO! He cut off his own hand! By mistake!
SpongeBob: You mean like this?
[He pulls his own arm out and a new one grows. Squidward reacts with surprise and slight revulsion. At every 'this', SpongeBob removes his arm and a new one grows back]
SpongeBob: Or like this? Or this? Or this? But what about this? Or this? Or this? Or this?
Squidward: Except he wasn't a sponge!
SpongeBob: So?
Squidward: So it didn't grow back!
SpongeBob: OH NO!
[His extra arms react in fright and bounce away]
Squidward: And he replaced his hand... with a rusty spatula. And then... he got hit by a bus! And, as funeral, they fired him! So now... every... What day is it?
SpongeBob: Tuesday.
Squidward: Tuesday night! His ghost returns to the Krusty Krab to wreak his horrible vengeance!

Squidward: [Angry] Will you stop yapping already?

Squidward: Why don't you tell me all of the things I shouldn't do if I want to keep the sea bears away?
SpongeBob: Okay, that's easy. First off, don't play the clarinet.
Squidward: Okay, then what?
SpongeBob: Never wave your flashlight back and forth really fast.
Patrick: Flashlights are their natural prey.
Squidward: You're kidding.
SpongeBob: Don't stomp around. They take that as a challenge.
Patrick: Yeah.
Squidward: Go on.
SpongeBob: Don't ever eat cheese.
Squidward: Cubed or sliced?
[SpongeBob and Patrick whisper among each other briefly]
SpongeBob: Cubed; sliced is fine.
Squidward: Yeah, yeah, and?
SpongeBob: Never wear a sombrero...
Patrick: In a goofy fashion!
SpongeBob: Or clown shoes.
Patrick: Or a hoop skirt.
SpongeBob: And never...
Patrick: ...ever...
SpongeBob: ...EVER...
SpongeBob,11838: ...SCREECH LIKE A CHIMPANZEE!
Squidward: Wow! It's amazing how many things can set a sea bear off.
SpongeBob,11838: They're horrible!

SpongeBob: [singing] The Krusty Krab pizza / Is the pizza / For you and me / The Krusty Krab pizza / Is the pizza...
Squidward: ...and my feet are killing me.

Squidward: Opposite Day. Next time it's gonna be Go Jump Off a Cliff Day.

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! You're on guard duty!
SpongeBob: Yes, sir! Mr. Krabs, sir!
[He hops into a washbowl and rows himself to the door, making funny noises]
Squidward: And I'll go undercover.
[He takes out a pillow and blanket, places his hat over his eyes and starts dozing; he literally goes under the covers]

Mr. Krabs: Yes sir, that is bad word number 11. In fact, there are 13 words you should never use.
Squidward: Don't you mean seven?
Mr. Krabs: Not if you're a sailor.

Squidward: [yelling at Mr. Krabs] I didn't take your precious dime!

SpongeBob: I guess I'll never know the real meaning of summer. There was a time I thought I knew, but that was a long time ago.
Squidward: You mean this morning?
SpongeBob: Yeah.

Squidward: Will you please stop leaving your undergarments on my front lawn?

Squidward: My wish is that the people of Bikini Bottom will stop paying any attention to the inane drivel that is constantly streaming out of this dunderhead's mouth.
SpongeBob: Gee, Squidward, maybe Santa will bring me a dictionary so I can understand what you just said.

SpongeBob: [as SpongeTron] Welcome to the future!
Squidward: Uh, the future...
[notices everything's chrome]
Squidward: Huh? Okay, uh, what's going on here? Why is everything... chrome?
SpongeBob: Everything is chrome in the future.
Squidward: Wha...?
[stammers then runs to look outside a window]
Squidward: Oh, my...
[notices the chrome environment]
Squidward: Impossible! He's lying!
[sees a flower pop up, then someone comes by and sprays the flower with chrome spray paint]
Squidward: He's right!
SpongeBob: Of course I'm right, Squidward. Just ask my clones: SpongeTrons X, Y, and Z.
Squidward: Are the other letters of the alphabet involved here?
SpongeBob: Sure, all 486 of them.

[Squidward is at the cash register reading a performance magazine when he notices SpongeBob beside him]
Squidward: [with a forced smile] SpongeBob, remember that little talk we had about personal space?
SpongeBob: It's okay, Squidward! I'm official!
[He gestures to his badge saying "Co-cashier"]
Squidward: "Co-cashier"?

Squidward: [trying to find a place to eat a Krabby Patty without being spotted by SpongeBob] What do I have to do? Eat one out of the garbage?
[a bystander with a big belly walks up to the trash can with a partially eaten Krabby Patty]
Bystander: I wish I could eat this, but I'm so darn full. Oh well.
[throws the Krabby Patty in the trash]
Squidward: I had to say "garbage"... but okay!

Squidward: Patrick go be stupid somewhere else!

Squidward: Gee, Mr. Krabs, you sure are taking total bankruptcy well.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, it's just a bad dream. I'll wake up soon.
[SpongeBob and Squidward share worried glances]
Squidward: Uh... "dream"?
Mr. Krabs: Sure. I'm still in the hospital sleeping like a baby!
SpongeBob: Umm, you checked out of the hospital this morning.
Squidward: Here's the bill.
Mr. Krabs: You mean... I'm awake?
[He screams]

SpongeBob: Squidward, you can't eat all those Krabby Patties at once! Squidward!
Squidward: Oh, what's going to happen? Am I gonna blow up?
SpongeBob: No, worse. They'll go right to your thighs.
Squidward: My thighs?
[Pull back on Squidward's enormous legs]
SpongeBob: And then you'll blow up.
[Explosion; Cut to an ambulance, where Squidward's head is on a seat, while his legs are on a bucket]
Paramedic: Yeah, I remember my first Krabby Patty.

Squidward: You boobs found the second half of the Atlantean amulet?
SpongeBob: What's an Atlantean omelette?
Squidward: *Amulet*, not omelette!

Squidward: This is ridiculous! Who wants a krabby patty at three in the morning?
[cutaway to Patrick sleeping in his bed, alarm goes off]
Patrick: Oh, boy! Three AM!
[eats patty]

Squidward: SpongeBob, if you really wanna find your name tag, just retrace your steps.
SpongeBob: Retrace my steps...? Squidward, you're a genius!
Squidward: [modestly] Heh, a genius? Well, I don't know about that.
[He chuckles, flattered by SpongeBob's remark]
SpongeBob: Cover me till I get back, okay?
Squidward: [distracted] Oh, sure, sure. Heh, heh, a genius, well, how about...?
[It dawns on him as he's talking to himself that SpongeBob has just abandoned him on duty]
Squidward: Hey!

SpongeBob: Guess what Squidward? Guess what, Squidward?
[both SpongeBob and Patrick hold each others' hips in a friendly way]
Patrick: Me and SpongeBob are friends again!
Squidward: Great, now go be friends somewhere else.
SpongeBob: Don't you want us to help you clean this up a little?
Squidward: No! Out!
[Both SpongeBob and Patrick walk out]
SpongeBob: Psst, I think he's jealous.
Patrick: How pathetic.
Squidward: [Squidward shuts door hard and when he turns around as a bubble comes and pops on the door which causes the door to fall on his back] Ohhhhh, my back!

Squidward: [to Magic Conch] Could I have something to eat?
Magic: No.
Squidward: Could I have something to eat?
Magic: No.
Squidward: Could I have something to eat?
Magic: No.
Squidward: Can't you say anything else but no?
Magic: Try asking again.
Squidward: Could I have something to eat?
Magic: [insulting, sarcastic tone] No.

Squidward: Oh calm down, calm down. Alright what was it? There was... the lights
[lights flicker]
Squidward: and the phone
[phone rings]
Squidward: and...
[walls start 'oozing green slime']
Squidward: The walls will ooze green slime? Oh, wait, they always do that.

Squidward: Magic Conch, uh, I was wondering... uh, should I have the spaghetti or the turkey?
Magic: Neither.
Squidward: Oh. Then how about the soup?
Magic: I don't think so.
Squidward: Could I have anything to eat?
Magic: No.
Squidward: No? What do you mean "no"? I'm starving here!
Patrick: [taking Magic Conch] Here, let me try. Magic Conch, could Squidward have some of this yummy, delicious, super-terrific sandwich?
Magic: No.
Patrick: Hmm... Could *I* have this yummy, delicious, super-terrific sandwich?
Magic: Yes.
Patrick: All right!
[inhales the sandwich in one gulp like a vacuum]
Patrick: Sorry, Squidward.

Squidward: A sandwich? You expect me to break my back over a sandwich?
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Not a sandwich.
[He dumps sandwiches overboard]
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: *The* sandwich.
Squidward: Whatever. We've got plenty more to...
[Mr. Krabs dumps the entire refrigerator overboard]
Squidward: ... Eat.

Squidward: I'm not much of a summer person, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: But a visit to the Krusty Krab makes everyone happy, and what could be better than handing out smiles?
Squidward: Being dead, or anything else.
SpongeBob: I never knew you felt so strongly about it.
Squidward: Where have you been?

Squidward: I hunger for nourishment.
SpongeBob: Nothing but the freshest, your ghostliness. A grape fresh from the vine, your noncorporealness. A banana peeled to your liking, your inmaterialness.
Patrick: [drops a huge watermelon on Squidward's mouth] One watermelon straight from the manure fields, your spookiness.
SpongeBob: Art thou not pleased?
Squidward: Enough! I want something else, something hard to find.
SpongeBob: We are here to please you.
Patrick: What do you hunger for, master?
Squidward: Cherry pie.
[Patrick pulls out a cherry pie from his back]
Squidward: Where did you get that?
Patrick: I found it.
Squidward: [throws away pie] Well, go find it again!

Mr. Krabs: And no falling asleep on the job. That means you, Squidward.
Squidward: What? I have never fallen asleep on duty!
Mr. Krabs: Don't make me have a flashback.
[Montage of Squidward sleeping on the job]
Squidward: All right, point taken.

Mr. Krabs: There are two ways of getting on my bad side, boys: I don't like kids playing in my yard, and nobody but me touches me thermostat.
Squidward: That is so selfish!
SpongeBob: Yeah. Your yard is really fun. There are kids playing on it right now.
Mr. Krabs: What? Hey, you kids! Get off my yard!

Squidward: HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF A BANK?
Mr. Krabs: NO!

SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward. You want me to cast out over here so you can watch me?
Squidward: How about you cast out over there so I can ignore you?

[last lines]
Squidward: [after the Queen jellyfish zaps him, a painful Squidward's cast shatters in pieces, leaving him with black marks] Ow.

Squidward: How did I ever get stuck with such loser neighbors?

Squidward: [to the beached Pearl] Pearl! Are you all right?
Pearl: Oh, Squidward! I'm so sorry I didn't listen to you!
Squidward: It's okay! Let's just get you out of here!
[He tries to pull on her legs, but she's too heavy. He's sent flying backwards. He tries pulling on her legs again but this time he ends up tearing his own arms off]
Squidward: Okay! Okay, just hold on a second!
[He darts off]
Pearl: Hold on? What are you...?
[His arms having grown back like nothing happened, Squidward puts the bicycle pump into Pearl's blowhole and pumps as fast as he can. Pearl inflates so much that she starts to float into the air. Squidward yanks the bicycle pump away from her blowhole. Pearl deflates quickly, and lands straight onto the back of Squidward's bike]

Squidward: I think my heart just stopped.

Squidward: Can you take hats in a dignified and sophisticated manner?
Patrick: You mean like a weenie? Okay!
[Patrick's eyes big and he talks in a goofy voice]
Patrick: May I take your hat, sir? May I take your hat, sir? May I...
Squidward: All right, I've heard enough. You got the job.

Squidward: Are you going to order something or just make friends with the paneling?

[SpongeBob and Patrick think Squidward is a ghost]
Squidward: Enough! Squidward's ghost is feeling unusually generous today, and has decided to spare ye a horrible fate. Sssss. All you must do is obey my every whim and tickle my fancy on demand.
SpongeBob: Does that include...?
Squidward: Quiet! Do as you're told, lest you incur the wrath of Squidward!
Patrick: I think they make a cream for that now.

Mr. Krabs: Squidward, I had some chores for you, but you wouldn't do them anyway.
Squidward: And it only took you eleventy-seven years to figure that out?

[Squidward has a look-alike ventriloquist dummy]
Squidward: Say, Little Squidward. What is gray and ugly and has six arms?
Squidward: [as dummy] I don't know, but have you looked in the mirror lately?
Squidward: What? Why you...

Squidward: Why must every eleven minutes of my life be filled with misery?

Francis: He kept us waiting for a bubble?
Larry the Lobster: That's nothing! He called us fat!
Pearl: [crying] He washed my flipper.
Mr. Krabs: He owes me money!
Squidward: He made me provide excellent service.
Scooter: [appears with a halo and angel clothing on] Dudes, he made me experience high tide.
[floats up towards the surface while laughing]
Tom: He poisoned our water supply, burned our crops and delivered a plague unto our houses!
Protesters: He did?
Tom: No, but are we just gonna wait around until he does?

Squidward: [comes out on drive on car] Hey, SpongeBob, can your stupid paper do this?
SpongeBob: [comes past flying using the paper] Nope...
[flies off]

Squidward: We need to find out what that robot did with the real Mr. Krabs. But how?
SpongeBob: Well, in the movie, the hero teams up with a buddy, and they get the poop on the robot.
Squidward: They poop on the robot?
SpongeBob: Yeah, you know, they get the straight poop. Ask questions, get information.
Squidward: I never thought I'd say this, but SpongeBob, let's get that poop.

SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick, Hike!
[Patrick blows on some chess pieces, while SpongeBob carries a rock and drops it]
SpongeBob: You just lost three points.
[climbs coral tree]
SpongeBob: One, two, five.
[blows bubble shaped like a G and a 7]
SpongeBob: G-7!
Patrick: G-7? King me! King me!
[runs into coral]
Patrick: I lose!
SpongeBob: But it's not Tuesday, Patrick.
Patrick: Tartar sauce!
Squidward: [opens window from house] Hey! What are you invertebrates doing?
SpongeBob: We don't know.

Squidward: Will you two shut up?

Truck: [seeing SpongeBob in the road] Crashing thrashing BREAK DANCER!
[blares the horn]
Squidward: He's stop, he's stopping!
[realizes that the truck isn't stopping and runs in front of the truck to save SpongeBob before he get run over]

Squidward: How cold does Krabs keep this place, anyway?
[sees thermostat]
Squidward: 62 degrees? Oh, that cheapskate! I'm going to set it to a toasty 63.
[sets it to 63; an alarm goes off]
Squidward: Huh?
Mr. Krabs: [furiously bursts out of his office] Who touched me thermostat?
[everyone points at Squidward]
Squidward: Oh, thanks a --
[Mr. Krabs pulls him away]
SpongeBob: You're welcome, Squidward.
Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward, you're always going on about your book club. Read this.
Squidward: [reading disclaimer] Do not touch thermostat ever.
Mr. Krabs: [Sets it back to 62] Heat costs money! There are two ways to get on my bad side, boys. I don't like kids playing in me yard, and nobody but me touches me thermostat!
Squidward: That's totally selfish!
SpongeBob: Yeah! Your yard is really fun! There are kids playing on it right now!
Mr. Krabs: What?
[sees just that]
Mr. Krabs: Hey, you kids get off of my lawn!

Squidward: SpongeBob where's my lemonade?

[Squidward's purebred snail, Snellie, lost the snail race to Patrick's pet rock, Rocky]
Patrick: [holding up the trophy he won] Don't worry, Squidward, I know how much you wanted to win, so I had the trophy engraved to you.
Squidward: Gosh, Patrick, thanks.
[reads the engraving]
Squidward: "The 1st Place Snail Racing Cup Presented to Squidward..."
[he notices that his last name has been misspelled as...]
Squidward: "... *Tortellini*"? Will I ever win?
[He good-naturedly laughs it off along with SpongeBob and Patrick]

Mr. Krabs: Who put this sweet-smelling soap in all the restrooms?
Squidward: The same person who knitted these napkin holders and embroidered the menus.

[SpongeBob and Squidward are accusing Mr. Krabs of being a robot, repeatedly asking the "robot" what happened to the "real" Mr. Krabs]
SpongeBob: This is one stubborn robot.
Mr. Krabs: [in anger] WHAT? YOU THINK I'M A ROBOT?
Squidward: We don't think. We know.
Mr. Krabs: That's the silliest thing I ever heard! I am Mr. Krabs!

SpongeBob: Oh, hi, Squidward. How are those errands going?
Squidward: What's that supposed to mean? I'm very busy.
SpongeBob: I'm sure you are.
Squidward: I don't like your tone.
SpongeBob: [in high-pitched monotone voice] I'm sure you are.
SpongeBob: [regular voice] How's that?

Mr. Krabs: $49.0... 8? That's a penny short!
[He cries hysterically into the counter]
Squidward: [sarcastically] Oh no, not a penny. Help, somebody help us.

[SpongeBob cleans the Krusty Krab while Squidward rests in a chair. He checks the bucket he put the secret Krabby Patty formula in and finds it empty. He panics and searches frantically around the office]
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, have you seen the Krabby Patty Secret Formula?
[He looks underneath Squidward's chair. The octopus smiles contentedly and doesn't budge. SpongeBob lifts the money chest. It falls on him with a crash. Squidward bounces off of the chair but he's too relaxed to care]
SpongeBob: I put it right here in this circular file cabinet.
[Squidward opens one eye. He then opens the other eye and sits up]
Squidward: That's a trash can, you nitwit.
[He lays back and closes both eyes again, but realizes quickly that SpongeBob just threw away...]
Squidward: The formula!

[SpongeBob and Squidward see Mr. Krabs with red eyes, tongs, and dead batteries run into the bathroom]
Squidward: [to SpongeBob] I'll evacuate the customers, you call the Navy!
SpongeBob: [on the phone] Hello, operator, get me the Navy!
Computerized: Hello, you've reached the Navy's automated phone service.
SpongeBob: Squidward, the robots are running the Navy!
Squidward: NOT THE NAVY!
[speaking over intercom]
Squidward: Attention, everyone, run for your lives! Robots are taking over the world!
[no one moves]
Squidward: OUR WORLD!
[customers freak out and run out of the restaurant]

Squidward: I thought you said you were the head chef of the S.S. Gourmet.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Did I say that? No. I cleaned the floors at the Gourmet. I was head chef of the S.S. Diarrhea.

Squidward: Who wants a krabby patty at 3 in the morning?
Patrick: [camera cut to Patrick sleeping in his rock, the alarm clock goes off and Patrick happily wakes up eating a krabby patty] Oh boy, 3 AM!

Squidward: [answers phone] Hello. You've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please leave a message after the...
[plays tone on clarinet]
Squilliam: Sounds like you have a dying animal to attend to.
Squidward: Squilliam Fancyson from band class?
Squilliam: I hear you're playing the cash register now.
Squidward: Er, sometimes. How's the unibrow?
Squilliam: It's big and valuable. I'm the leader of a big, fancy band now, and we're supposed to play the Bubble Bowl next week.
Squidward: The Bu-bu-bu... the Bu-bu-bu... the Bu-bu-bu...
Squilliam: That's right, I'm living your dream, Squidward. The problem is, I'm busy next week and can't make it, so I was hoping you and your band could cover for us.
Squidward: Well, I...
Squilliam: I knew it! You don't even have a band! Well, I'll let you get back to the service industry now.
Squidward: Hold it! It just so happens that I don't serve fast food, I do have a band, and we're gonna play that Bubble Bowl! How do you like that, fancy boy?
Squilliam: Good luck next Tuesday. I hope the audience brings lots of *ibuprofen*.
[hangs up]
Squidward: I've got to drum up a marching band fast. Drum. He-he. Band humor.

Squidward: Take it, Spongebob! Take it, please! And promise me no matter how much I may beg, and plead, and cry, don't give me that paper back. Ever!

Squidward: I didn't realize it was Happy Hopping Moron Day!

Squidward: Good evening, and welcome to the first Annual Squidward Tentacles Talent Show. Sponsored by the Krusty Krab, home of the Krabby Patty... 'cause no one else would give it a home.

Squidward: If I had a dollar for every brain you don't have, I'd have one dollar.

Squidward: [SpongeBob running to his room with a glass of lemonade] SpongeBob! SpongeBob!
[enters the room with the lemonade]
Squidward: and why aren't you in uniform?
[leaves the room and comes back dressed as a maid]
Squidward: It's About Time You Got Here!
[the bed is covered with a lot of items]

Squidward: ["Talent Night" Audience is booing and throwing food at Squidward] You bottom feeders! You don't even KNOW talent!
Audience: NO TALENT! NO TALENT!

Squidward: [to Krabs] Why don't you go and ask CowBob RanchPants and his friend Sir Eat-A-Lot?
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob. What's the meaning of all these nicknames?

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, Please give me a chance. I'll prove to you that I'm fry cook material. Just ask Squidward, he'll vouch for me.
[Mr. Krabs and Squidward step aside to confer]
Squidward: [Deep inhale] No.

Squidward: [wearing the Kuddly Krab outfit] Rage. Fury. Irritation. Humiliation.

Squidward: [storming in on Plankton] You can't do this to me, Mr. Plankton! If you think I'm gonna stand out there all day listening to...
[Cut to SpongeBob babbling. Cut back to Squidward and Plankton]
Squidward: Then you must have coral wedged in your frontal lobe!

SpongeBob: Well, see you in the AM, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Hold on there, SpongeBob! Take that pile of filth out with ya.
SpongeBob: [Gasps] Mr. Krabs! You shouldn't talk about Squidward like that.
Squidward: [Holding a trash bag] He means this filth, you loon!

Squidward: Let me guess, tiny. A small salad?
Bubblebass: I want a Triple Bossy Deluxe on a raft, four-by-four animal style; an extra side of shingles with a shimmy and a squeeze; light axle grease, make it cry, burn it and let it swim.
Squidward: We serve food here, sir.

SpongeBob: Hey, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: [runs up to the counter] What? What is it, boy?
SpongeBob: Squidward's father never hugged him. Isn't that sad?
[pretends to cry]
Mr. Krabs: Yes, I suppose that is rather sad, but Squidward can hug himself during his break! Now get back to work!
SpongeBob: Just like the robot in the movie. He couldn't cry either.
Squidward: SpongeBob, this is getting ridiculous. I'll have you know my father loved me very much!
SpongeBob: That's the final test, Squidward; the love test. Robots can't love.
Squidward: No, wait, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Hey, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: [runs up to the counter again] What is it, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: I just wanted to tell you that Squidward loves you!
[Mr. Krabs makes a blank expression on his face]
Mr. Krabs: Get back to work, Mr. Squidward.

Squidward: [after the bus crashes in Atlantis] You nymwits haven't been here for 2 minutes, and you've already ruined someone's topiary garden!

Squidward: Grievances? This town is a grievance! There should be a law against so many stuck-up tightwads living in one place! This city needs to be destroyed! Or at least painted a different color.

Squidward: I'm gonna give SpongeBob the best day he's ever had! And this time, there's gonna be love, so much, he's gonna drown in it!
[walks toward the door, then looks back at Mr. Krabs]
Squidward: Drown in it!
[he walks out the door]
Mr. Krabs: Note to self: Watch out for Squidward.

Squidward: [sobbing, washing clam waste off of himself in the shower] I'll never be clean again!

Squidward: Okay, SpongeBob, I bet you can't play music on a piece of paper.
[plays on his clarinet]
SpongeBob: [he claps] Hurray! That was great, Squidward! All those wrong notes you played made it sound more original.
Squidward: I didn't play any wrong notes.
[plays again]
SpongeBob: Yeah, see, you're playing it like this...
[plays like Squidward with the paper]
SpongeBob: when ordinarily it goes like this.
[plays it right]
SpongeBob: [stops playing] I'm partial to playing in the key of A minor myself.
[a huge piece of music appears in the background]

Squidward: Ah, Makeout Reef. Good times, good times.

[SpongeBob knocks on Squidward's door and calls to him]
SpongeBob: Squidward? Squidward! Oh, Squidward!
Squidward: SpongeBob, do you have to knock so loudly?
SpongeBob: Sorry, neighbor.
[Squidward massages his head]
Squidward: Oh, that overgrown clam is giving me a headache! I can't even take my afternoon beauty nap!
[SpongeBob laughs nervously]
SpongeBob: Funny thing you should mention that old oyster, because I, uh, was kinda... wondering, eh... L-let's say I know this guy who may have something to do with the oyster.
[Squidward's face lights up]
Squidward: You mean you know the guy who did it?
[SpongeBob gulps]
Squidward: Oh, this is great! You and I can go turn him in! And then I'll get so much sleep, I'll be gorgeous!
SpongeBob: Actually, I'm- I'm just talking hypothetically.
Squidward: [sullenly] You mean you don't know who did it?
SpongeBob: Well... eh, I-eh... No!
[Squidward slams the door in SpongeBob's face]

Squidward: [speaking into the walkie-talkie in his normal voice] Oh, PapaBob...
[He realizes his voice is wrong and clears his throat]
Squidward: No, no.
[He clears his throat once more and speaks in a Grumbles Grizzly voice]
Squidward: Oh, PapaBob...

[Squidward is worrying about impressing a classmate]
Squidward: [to himself] Don't be intimidated. Picture him in his underwear.
[pictures Squilliam in his underwear - he is extremely muscular]
Squidward: Oh, no, he's hot!

Squidward: Look at them eating that garbage.
[Notices Harold eating his Ultra Krabby Supreme and squirting the bottle of mayonnaise that Squidward had just given to him into his mouth]
Squidward: It's disgusting, they're sickening. I hate Krabby Patties!

Squidward: I'm gonna do what you said... but I'm gonna resent it.

Squidward: SpongeBob! Why is your underwear in the cash register?
SpongeBob: Well, I had to put it somewhere, and my underwear drawer is full of Krabby Patties, and the freezer is full with my snowflake collection, so I put all the change in the register in the pickle jar.

Mermaid: You fiends can't win. You're out-numbered.
Barnacle: You senile bag of fish paste. There are three of us and only one of you.
SpongeBob: Make that two.
ManRay: The Quickster.
Squidward: three.
Barnacle: Captain Magma.
Patrick: Four.
The: The Elastic Waistband.
Sandy: Five.
Barnacle: M-M-M-Miss Appear.
Mermaid: And me makes 10. I think.

Squidward: SpongeBob? Oh Neptune, what have I done?
[looks on the ground and sees the syringe that injected SpongeBob]
Squidward: It's all your fault!
[throws it away]
Squidward: Okay, okay, okay, okay. Get it together, Squidward.

Squidward: I don't see the point of this game night. Every game that Patrick has "invented" is more pointless and boring than the last.
Sandy: This time he did research.
Squidward: We haven't started and I'm already bored.

Squidward: Good Neptune, I'm falling! Wait, if I remember my high school science, on the moon, I'm much lighter than on Earth. Which means... ha! This fall won't hurt me.
[But unfortunately for Squidward despite the zero gravity, he ends up getting crushed and smooshed into his helmet as he lands on the moon]

Squidward: Thanks, but no thanks, Major Stupidity! You and General Nonsense over there will have to fight without me!

Phone: If you'd like to leave a message, wait for the cough.
Squidward: Everyone's a comedian.

Squidward: You mean you've never heard the story of the... hash-slinging slasher?
SpongeBob: The slash-bringing hasher?
Squidward: The hash-slinging slasher.
SpongeBob: The sash wringing... the trash thinging... mash flinging... the flash springing, bringing the the crash thinging the...
Squidward: Yes. The hash-slinging slasher.

Squidward: SpongeBob is the only guy I know who can have fun with a jellyfish,
[shouting]
Squidward: for twelve hours!

Sandy: [Placing bets on how long it will take Spongebob to become discouraged by the jellyfish] I give him a week.
Squidward: I give him eleven minutes.

Squidward: Well, you did it. You took my one chance of happiness... and crushed it! Crushed it into little, tiny, bite-size pieces! I really had expected better of you people.
[He starts crying]
Squidward: I guess I'm a loser for that, too. Don't bother showing up tomorrow. I'll just tell them you all... died in a marching accident. So, thanks. Thanks for nothing!
[Squidward leaves with a heavy heart. A lengthy silence]
Patrick: You're welcome.

Squidward: Okay, here's the plan. You two sneak in there, remove the mattress from underneath the guard worm, without waking the worm.
Patrick: Why not?
SpongeBob: Because that would be rude, Patrick.

SpongeBob,19073: [exiting SpongeBobs nightmare] No! no! No!
[Squidward talking in the real world]
SpongeBob,19073: SpongeBob. SpongeBob! SpongeBob!
[taps on his face to wake him up]
SpongeBob,19073: Ahhhhhhhhhh!
SpongeBob: [wakes up to find Mr. Krabs, Pearl, Sandy, Gary, and Squidward staring at and all of them are mad] Hey what what are you guys doing in your pajamas? Are we having a slumber party?
Squidward: No we are not having a slumber party!
Sandy: Do us all a favor SpongeBob and stay out of our dreams!
[everyone starts grumbling in agreement with Gary meowing angrily]
Mr. Krabs: [under all the grumbling] You Ruined My Dream Boy!
Sheldon J. Plankton: [joins the argument under the grumbling] You ruined my dream too! Why Don't You Take a Hike!
Squidward: Don't we get enough of you during the day?
Gary: Meow!
Patrick: [enters] Does anyone have a quarter?

Squidward: I change my mind. I want soup instead.

TV: [Squidward turns on the television, only to see a documentary about boxes] It is here that the boxes reach their final stage of assembly.
Old: [channel changes to Old Man Jenkins in an Austrian accent] The equation is illustrated here by this box.
Nat: [channel changes to a soap opera] I couldn't afford a present this year, so I got you this box.
Abigail: That's what I got *you!*
Squidward: [increasingly frustrated] Isn't there anything on that isn't about *boxes?*
News: [channel changes to boxing match] And welcome back to Championship Boxing!
Squidward: I guess this is OK. I mean, it's not really about boxes.
[the bell rings and two boxes go at each other]
Squidward: I give up.

Squidward: Between you and me, this isn't my best work. Why don't you come back tomorrow and I'll have something that will really knock your socks off?
Monty P. Moneybags: Between you and me, I'm not wearing socks!
[begins laughing]

Squidward: This is the cold-blooded test.
[He presents the thermometer]
Squidward: Just take his temperature.
SpongeBob: You got it, best friend.
Squidward: Don't call me that.
[SpongeBob playfully prods the thermometer into Squidward's nose]
SpongeBob: Boop.
[Squidward stammers angrily and storms off]

Squidward: [Curls into a ball and rocks back and forth] Future... Future... Future...
[Spongetron drops a brick on his head]
Squidward: ...Thanks.

SpongeBob: Poor Mr. Krabs, gone forever out of our lives forever.
[crying]
SpongeBob: Why couldn't it have been me?
Squidward: [also crying] Yes! Why couldn't it have been you?
SpongeBob: Why did he have to go like this? Why?
Squidward: Why did he have to go like this and leave me tied to this idiot?
[They both bawl]

Squidward: This attic better be cl...
[shows Spongebob and Patrick holding a coffin for Squidward]
SpongeBob: Okay, get in.

Squidward: Here! One pie, fresh out of the oven. I'll be getting back to my life now.

SpongeBob: Oh, cheer up, Squid. It could be worse.
Patrick: Yeah, you could be bald and have a big nose.
Squidward: Well, this is the end.

[Squidward peeks out from under the rock at all of the fish eating each other. He's frightened. What is going on around here? It's absolute madness. He pulls himself out from under the rock and runs across the jellyfish fields, out into the light of Neptune's Moon]
Squidward: I'm going home to hide under the covers! It's every cephalopod for himself!
[Sandy looks up from her wrist communicator and sees Squidward blindly running into danger]
Sandy: Frenchy, I gotta call you back!
[She runs out after the octopus]
Sandy: Squidward, you have to stay in the shade!
[Squidward trips over his own feet and falls on his face with a crash. As he lies dazed on the ground, he hears a menacing growl. An enormous purple fish swims up behind him. He turns around onto his back and sees the fish bearing down on him. He crawls backwards, screaming]
Squidward: Help!
Sandy: Squidward! No!
[Squidward whimpers and feebly holds up a defensive arm. The fish growls and advances slowly on him. Suddenly, as though it had detected Squidward by radar, the moon beams light down on the frightened little octopus. Squidward is bewildered by the green moon, although not entranced by it as he was before. He watches the moon go, then looks down in astonishment at himself and notices he's glowing green. Promptly he transforms fairly painfully into a large, normal-sized realistic octopus. With a furious roar, Squidward eats the purple fish, before starting after Sandy]
Sandy: O.M. Jehosaphat! You don't see that every day!

Squidward: SpongeBob will you just face facts? You've shrunken everyone in Bikini Bottom! You've got to go to Mermaid Man!
SpongeBob: Oh Squidward he'll be so disappointed.
Sandy: Well you can't leave us small forever!
SpongeBob: [on the verge of tears] But you don't understand!
Mrs. SquarePants: [Spongebob's parents appear in the jar] SpongeBob you need to admit your mistakes
SpongeBob: Mom?
Mermaid: Your mother's right son, Mermaid Man will understand
Barnacle: You're Mermaid Man you old coot!
Mermaid: Oh yeah.

Squidward: [crying] Oh, why must every eleven minutes of my life be filled with misery? WHY?

Squidward: Alright, listen up. Men, Squilliam Fancyson will be here in twenty minutes. Therefore, we need to turn the Krusty Krab into a fancy restaurant as soon as possible.
[Patrick appears with an army hat]
Squidward: Patrick, what are you doing here?
Patrick: I thought the Corps would help me straighten out my life, sir!
Squidward: The Corps? What the... Pat, this isn't the... oh!

Squidward: I spent the whole day with you doing all kinds of ridiculous things because you were supposed to explode!
SpongeBob: You want me to explode?
Squidward: Yes! That's what I've been waiting for!
SpongeBob: Uh, okay, I'll try. Nnggg... GARY! YOU ARE GONNA FINISH YOUR DESSERT, AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT!
[laughs]
SpongeBob: Now it's your turn.
Squidward: THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT YOU BARNACLE HEAD!
SpongeBob: [clapping] Ooh, good one.
Squidward: No! You're supposed to explode into a million pieces!
SpongeBob: Why would I do that?
Squidward: Because the pie you ate was a bomb!
SpongeBob: What pie?
Squidward: The pie I left on the counter this morning, that I bought from pirates for twenty-five bucks, and I didn't know it was a bomb, and you ate it! THAT pie!
SpongeBob: Pie... Oh! You mean this pie!
[takes the pie-bomb out of his pocket]
SpongeBob: I was saving it in my pocket, for us to share. Let's eat!
[he trips on a pebble, the pie flies into Squidward's face and explodes]
Squidward: Ow.

[Mr. Krabs drops a dime down a drain. He reaches his hand down the drain and grabs it]
Mr. Krabs: I got it, boy!
[his hand gets stuck in the drain]
Mr. Krabs: What the? It's stuck! You gotta help me, SpongeBob!
Squidward: You've gotta let go of the dime.
Mr. Krabs: I can think of ten good reasons to never let go of a dime, boy.

Mr. Krabs: Just remember the most important rule.
SpongeBob: No free napkins?
Mr. Krabs: No! The other most important rule, regarading the secret formula.
SpongeBob: Only discuss the secret formula with Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Right you are! Just remember that, boy, and everything will be fine.
Squidward: I thought the most important rule was why do today what you can put off 'till tomorrow? Ha ha!
Mr. Krabs: What is today but yesterday's tomorrow?

Squidward: [gasps in disgust and swats the newspaper away] GET THAT AWAY FROM ME! YOU KNOW IM ALLERGIC TO NEWSPRINT!

Squidward: [thinking] Lie... lie... lying always makes it worse...
[Speaking]
Squidward: I own a five-star restaurant!
Squilliam: Squidward! I had no idea you were such a success.
Squidward: That's right!
Squilliam: And I would be honored if you would allow me to come to *your* restaurant... tonight!
Squidward: [his nose shrivels in shock] T-t-t-t-tonight?
Squilliam: In fact, we'll all come! My treat!

Squidward: [Jack Kahuna Laguna gets swallowed by the Big One] I guess the Big One prefers a high-protein diet.

[SpongeBob and Squidward sneak behind the Chum Bucket. Squidward goes to the front doors, but a meow sound startles him]
Squidward: Nyah! Whaa?
[SpongeBob appears in a cat costume]
SpongeBob: Sorry.
[He laughs]
SpongeBob: Stepped on my cat tail.
Squidward: What are you wearing?
SpongeBob: I'm a cat burglar!
[He purrs and meows around Squidward and stops]
SpongeBob: Okay, I'll change.
[He rips off his cat costume]

Squidward: I'm gonna die of hypothermia.
SpongeBob: Hippo-whatia? What's that mean?
Mr. Krabs: Means he's a big, fat, cry baby.

SpongeBob: Santa! This is the greatest gift you could've given me! Thank you for bringing Christmas to Bikini Bottom.
Squidward: [as Santa] I didn't bring Christmas to Bikini Bottom, SpongeBob. *You* did.

SpongeBob: [inspecting Bubble Buddy's patty] Oh, no, Squidward! Wait! There's cheese on these patties!
Squidward: And?
SpongeBob: Bubble Buddy's lactose intolerant!
[Squidward furrows his brow in bewilderment. The little wheels turn in his head as he tries to comprehend how he's just heard something that stupid]
SpongeBob: He can't eat cheese! What should we do?
Squidward: We? How about you take these patties and sh...
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Mr. Squidward!
[Squidward sullenly walks off with the patties to make a fresh batch]

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [sarcastically] Oh, boo hoo. Let me play you a sad song on the world's smallest violin.
[He mimes rubbing violin strings]
Squidward: This is serious!
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: I know. This really is the world's smallest violin.
[Close up on his claw to reveal a miniature violin]
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: See?

Squidward: Oh, please. He is such a drama queen.

Mr. Krabs: Do you smell it? That smell. A kind of smelly smell. The smelly smell that smells... smelly.
[whispering]
Mr. Krabs: Anchovies.
Squidward: What?
Mr. Krabs: ANCHOVIES!

Squidward: It's entirely too cold in here! You have to turn up the thermostat!
Mr. Krabs: [Points to thermostat, which has a sticker reading 62 over the display] The thermostat stays at 62 degrees.
Squidward: There are icicles on the ceiling!
Mr. Krabs: I don't care if Santy Claus and Jack Frost are having ice cream cones. Don't... Touch... The thermostat!

SpongeBob: Seabears are all too real.
[holds up a copy of the Bikini Bottom Inquirer]
SpongeBob: It says so in the Bikini Bottom Inquirer.
Squidward: [reading headline on cover] "I Married a Sea Bear"?
Patrick: Yeah! And Fake Science Monthly!
[holds up a copy of Fake Science Monthly]
Squidward: [reading headline] "Sea-Bears and Fairytales Are Real"? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
Patrick: Well, maybe it is stupid, but it's also dumb!

Squidward: Hello, Animal Control? Save me!

Squidward: [on the phone to Man Ray] Hello, Man Ray? The weather changed my plans. I'm coming home. Not to worry, though. You'll get a full refund on the rent, so long as there's no damage to my place.
[Man Ray hangs up]
Squidward: Hello?
[Man Ray laughs maniacally]
Man: That idiot octopus doesn't know I gave him a phony check!
[He smashes the phone]

SpongeBob: Bubble Buddy's thirsty.
Squidward: How about a glass of our finest shampoo?
[laughs]
SpongeBob: Sounds great.
[Squidward stops laughing and goes to get the shampoo]
Squidward: Here's your hair product, sir.
SpongeBob: Bubble Buddy likes bendy straws.
[Squidward bends the straw with repressed rage]
SpongeBob: Huh, what's that? Bubble Buddy says it tastes funny. What do you think?
Squidward: Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [chews the food for an elderly custormer] Think of the customer.
Squidward: [Tastes shampoo] Oh, silly me. I brought the diet shampoo.

Squidward: [trapped behind his own imitation of SpongeBob] Let me out! Let me out!

Squidward: Heaven at last...
[while looking around in wonder, Squidward crashes into a man walking in the other direction]
Man: I've seem more alert people in a retirement home!
Squidward: Oh, which way to the living room on a brain seminar? Don't be late!
Man: I've heard better comebacks from a turkey sandwich.
[He storms off]
Man: Get a life!
[Squidward narrows his eyes at the man, then smiles ecstatically]
Squidward: This place is better than I expected!

Spongebob: Remember the day Sandy and I got married?
Mr. Krabs: What?
Squidward: No!
Patrick: I'm freaking out!

[Squidward is teaching art to SpongeBob]
Squidward: Now, repeat after me. I have no talent.
SpongeBob: I have no talent.
Squidward: Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.
SpongeBob: Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.
Squidward: If I'm lucky, some of Mr. Tentacles' talent may rub off on me.
SpongeBob: If I'm lucky, Mr. Talent will rub his tentacles all over my art.
[smiles big with his teeth while Squidward stares at him]
Squidward: Whatever.

Squidward: Mr. Krabs, you gotta take 'em out of the...
[gasps]
Squidward: Holy fish paste, what is that?
[sees a disgusting pile of goop]
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: That's the appetizer.
Squidward: But I thought you said you were the head chef on the S.S. Gourmet.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Did I say that? No. I cleaned the bathrooms on the Gourmet. I was the head chef on the S.S. Diarrhea.

Squidward: Wait! If that was you on the phone, and you on the bus... then who was flickering the lights?
[the lights flicker. Everyone turns their attention to a picture of the vampire Nosferatu flipping light switch]
Squidward,25819: [affectionately chiding him] Nosferatu!

[flashback: Squidward has long, flowing hair]
Jim: We should open our own place and stop lining old man Krabs's pockets.
Squidward: No thanks. I'm just doing this until my clarinet career takes off.
Jim: What if it never does? Don't you want something to fall back on?
Squidward: Yeah, and maybe my long, luxurious hair will fall off, but I ain't buying a wig yet.
[Squidward's hair falls off]
Jim: Well, while you go wig shopping, I'll go have a talk with old man Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: I've seen this before. When that pie steps up to bat - I mean, hits his lower intestine - Boom!
Squidward: You've seen this before?
Mr. Krabs: Eleven times, as a matter of fact.

SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward!
Squidward: What?
SpongeBob: I'm ready, Squidward!
Squidward: Ready to move?
SpongeBob: No, ready to get my boating license.

Squidward: I can't believe anybody would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts.
Patrick: Like a genie!

Spongebob: I get to lead? I can finally use my leader hat, and my lederhosen.
Patrick: Nice.
Squidward: Those are just garters, you idiot.

[Mr. Krabs has stuffed SpongeBob and Squidward into his safe]
Mr. Krabs: You're me new security system.
[He shuts the door on them and walks away, laughing]
SpongeBob: Yay!
Squidward: Wait! I'm claustrophobic!

Squidward: [when the jellyfish corner him in his house] Uh, wait, I can turn it down.

Squidward: Too long have I suffered living between you two ninnies! But now, now as Doctor Negative, I shall finally exact my exquisite revenge!
[He laughs maniacally. Another cathartic moment for Squidward is at hand]

Squidward: Everybody's a critic. You won't be hearing from me anymore.

Squidward: [noticing SpongeBob and Patrick looking for Gary while he's bathing] What are those Neanderthals up to? Don't they know I'm busy spoiling myself?
[SpongeBob and Patrick barge in the bathroom, causing Squidward to scream repeatedly. He stops to catch his breath]

Squidward: [shaking himself off] Oh, shrimp! Where have I ended up now?

Purple: Well, Mr. Squarepants, it appears you have the suds.
SpongeBob: You're not gonna make me read old magazines, are you?
Purple: No silly, you get the sponge treatment. Oh, Hans.
[Hans takes Spongebob and uses him to clean different things]
SpongeBob: [while being cleaned by Hans] I can smell again.
SpongeBob: [after the sponge treatment] That was great, I love the doctor.
Hans: Here's your lollipop.
Patrick: A lollipop? Hey doc, I have the suds too.
Purple: Oh *yes*, Dr. Patrick. We have a special treatment for you, too.
Patrick: [while Hans is cleaning Patrick on a cactus] Ouch! That hurts.
Patrick: [Hans is about to clean a toilet with Patrick] What are you doing?
Patrick: Hey! This doesn't seem right!

[the guys watch Sandy as she stands before them, without her suit and her protective helmet]
Mr. Krabs: Neptune preserve her!
Squidward: How long can she stay like that?
SpongeBob: I don't know!
[a brief pause]
Patrick: Sandy's a girl?

Squidward: I hope I never see another snail again. Good night, Claire.

SpongeBob: [to Squidward, who is tangled in the rope net] Oh, I don't know what to do. I guess this place belongs to the gym guys, now.
[He walks away from the trapped octopus]
Squidward: [plaintively] Don't leave me, SpongeBob!
[Startled, he catches himself on his own freudian slip]
Squidward: Wait, what am I saying?

Patrick: [Happy] We saved the rec center!
Squidward: [Confused] What rec center?

Squidward: The only culture that guy has is in his tennis shoes.

[SpongeBob and Squidward pursue the safe on a gondola]
SpongeBob: [singing] O sole mio...
Squidward: Silencio.

Squidward: [notices a tombstone outside his house as SpongeBob and Patrick attempt to put him to rest] Spongebob, are you trying to put me in the nuthouse?
SpongeBob: Nope, just into this hole.
Squidward: [sighs] SpongeBob, I have a confession to make...
SpongeBob: [as Squidward takes off the towel on his head, he gasps] You're bald?
Squidward: No, I'm not bald! I'm alive!

SpongeBob: What's in the box?
Pearl: It's a surprise.
SpongeBob: I like surprises.
Pearl: Great, then close your eyes.
SpongeBob: I'm ready!
[Pearl puts box over SpongeBob]
Squidward: Well, I like it so far.
Pearl: [Lifts box; SpongeBob is wearing a pink flower leotard with deely-bobs] Ta-da! It's the new Krusty Krab uniform. I made it myself.
Squidward: All right, SpongeBob, this is it. Now tell her what you really think of that uniform.
SpongeBob: Right. Pearl... this is the best uniform ever!
Squidward: Fish paste.

[Squidward tries to start a marching band]
Squidward: Let's just try stepping in rhythm. Now I want everyone to stand in straight rows of five.
SpongeBob: [raises his hand] Is this the part where we start kicking?
Squidward: No, SpongeBob. That's a chorus line.
Patrick: Kicking? Oh, I wanna do some kicking!
[Patrick kicks Sandy]
Sandy: Why, you...
[fights Patrick; they tumble outside, and after a while, Patrick peeks his head through the door]
Patrick: Whoever is the owner of a white sedan, you left your lights on.
[Patrick walks in and takes his seat; his head has been pulled through his trombone, and he makes a trombone sound as he walks]

Squidward: What do you want, can't you see that I'm busy?
Patrick,25819: Step outside, we've got something for you to see!
Squidward: Spongebob, take this stuff down immediately
Patrick,25819: Chestnuts roasting and burns in the third degree

SpongeBob: Squidward could you watch Gary this weekend?
Squidward: What's a Gary?
SpongeBob: Not a Gary... Gary he's my pet snail
[shows him Gary]
SpongeBob: Say hello!
[shows a closeup of Gary who's drooling a lot]
Squidward: Yuck! You actually care for that thing?
SpongeBob: I love Gary!
Squidward: Well I don't, get somebody else!
[walks away]
SpongeBob: I guess we can't go away this weekend after all Patrick
[Squidward stops and thinks]
Squidward: Go away?
[walks over to SpongeBob]
Squidward: You mean if I watch Gary you guys will be gone all weekend?
SpongeBob: Actually a three day weekend
Squidward: As in not here for three days?
SpongeBob: Yeah but you've already said you can't do it, we understand
Patrick: Don't feel bad Squidward
[puts his arms around him and SpongeBob]
Patrick: the three of us can have our own jellyfish convention at your house!
Squidward: [reacts in fear] I changed my mind, you guys deserve to have a weekend away!

Jack: There's one thing I forgot to tell you. In return for its awesomeness, the Big One always demands a sacrifice. One of you will not return.
Squidward: I volunteer SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: I've got bad news, guys. Look at what happened to my house, it's gone. It's all gone. What am I gonna do? Where am I gonna live?
Squidward: Yeah!
[surprised look on Patrick's face]
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, your house is gone!

[the Seabear attacked Squidward]
SpongeBob: Squidward, are you okay?
Squidward: [battered from the attack] No.
SpongeBob: Quick, jump inside our anti-Seabear circle before he comes back!
Patrick: Yeah, Seabears often attack more than once!
Squidward: Are you crazy? A dirt circle won't stop that monster! I'm running for my life!
[runs off]
SpongeBob: No!
[the Seabear returns and attacks Squidward again]
SpongeBob: Don't run! Seabears hate that!
Squidward: Thanks for the tip. I guess I'll just limp home, then.
SpongeBob: No!
[the Seabear returns yet again and attacks Squidward]
SpongeBob: They hate limping more than running!
Squidward: Well, I guess I'll just have...
[the Seabear suddenly returns yet again and attacks Squidward further]
SpongeBob: I should have warned you about crawling!

Squidward: Shut your half-wit pieholes!

Squidward: I suppose you two are gonna do
[voice-over]
Squidward: One million dollar!

SpongeBob: Wow, everyone's in a good mood today.
Squidward: I love bursting your bubble, SpongeBob. They're laughing at you, not with you.

[Patrick and SpongeBob are carring Squidward in his lounge chair]
SpongeBob: Here?
Squidward: No, too wet.
SpongeBob: Here?
Squidward: No, too hot. Keep moving. Keep moving.
[they move to a spoof of a Henri Toulouse-Lautrec poster]
SpongeBob: Here?
Squidward: Too Louse-Lautrec.
[rimshot]

Mr. Krabs: You had to kill him. The boy cries you a sweater of tears... and you kill him. How are you going to live with yourself?
Squidward: Kill him?

Squidward: [after being saved by SpongeBob] Ow, my cranium...

Squidward: I said he wasn't a sponge!
SpongeBob: So?
Squidward: So it didn't grow back!

Squidward: [upset] I can't drink that.

Squidward: I could win Employee of the Month with my tentacles tied!

Mermaid: So, who wants to save the world?
SpongeBob: I do!
Patrick: I do!
Sandy: I do!
Squidward: I don't.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, yes you do, no world means no money! So go save the world, or you're fired!
[Squidward crosses his arms and grumbles in protest]

[Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob and a crowd of Bikini Bottomites see Squidward mockingly dancing and singing on the tables, wearing a boater hat, a vest and a bowtie, and carrying a cane]
Squidward: I hate SpongeBob! I hate Krabs! I wish they would leave the ocean in taxi cabs! And all the customers can kiss my abs! 'Cause I'm the one and only...
Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward!
[Squidward gulps and looks nervously behind him at the crowd, and drops his cane and hat]
Squidward: And... uh... oh...
[Mr. Krabs is furious, the Bikini Bottomites are amused and only SpongeBob seems to be genuinely enjoying the scene. The crowd laughs and points. Squidward is so embarrassed that he shrinks down to the size of a pinpoint and seems to disappear with a pop]

Squidward: [passive-aggressively] Here, one of everything! No cheese, no crust, pickles to the left, four squirts of ketchup, wheat buns, non-dairy lettuce, and farm-raised tomatoes carnival-style!
[He sets a miniature ferris wheel with miniature patties on the table]
Squidward: And if there's anything else I can do, please hesitate to ask.

Squidward: SpongeBob, if I were trapped in the bottom of a well for three years, and had nothing to eat but that Krabby Patty, I'd eat my own legs first. And not just the extra ones.
SpongeBob: But it's good for you!
Squidward: Good for you? That thing is a heart attack on a bun!
SpongeBob: No, Squidward. I meant... good for your soul.
[Celestial light shines on SpongeBob, who has wings and a halo]
Squidward: Oh, pluh-lease. I have no soul.
[Fire appears behind Squidward, accompanied by sinister laughter. Squidward notices the sinister laughter and looks apprehensive]

SpongeBob: And Squidward, I want you to have this can opener.
Squidward: And I thought this friendship would never pay off.

SpongeBob: Good morning, Squidward. Lovely spring day, isn't it?
Squidward: Hmph.
SpongeBob: Have you said hello to the flowers today?
Squidward: Hello.
[the flowers hiss at Squidward; he shrieks and runs back inside]
SpongeBob: I didn't know Squidward had hay fever. I shall do him a kindness and plant some hypoallergenic flowers.

Squidward: One Krabby Patty for table two. SpongeBob, I don't have all day.
SpongeBob: [French accent] Oui oui! Un Krabby Patty, Monsieur. First, le patty.
[Tosses the patty in the air and catches it with his pores]
Squidward: Come on, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Next, les ingredients. Aiee!
[Tosses the ingredients in the air and catches them with his pores]
SpongeBob: Le mustard.
[Squirts mustard in the air and catches it in his eye]
Squidward: Le quit fooling around. Where's my Krabby Patty?
SpongeBob: Le hold on a second.
[Takes off his head, shakes it, and puts it back on]
SpongeBob: [Reaches under Squidward's nose and pulls out the completed patty] And voilá! It's under your nose.
[Laughs]
Squidward: Ha-ha! You're killing me, SpongeBob. Ha-ha! You really are.

Squidward: [angrily swats the bowl away sending it flying] Condensed Soup from a can? DISGUSTING! All right now that you ruined my appetite go fetch me something to read!

Squidward: You did this, SquarePants! If you don't get Mr. Krabs' mattress back from the dump, I am going to murd...
[the officer clears his throat]
Squidward: Help you do it myself.

Squidward: We need to come at this another way! A smart, dignified way. I know! We'll sabotage the place!

Squidward: [bouncing after the crowd, tied to a chair and somehow having gotten the tape off of his mouth] A little help here?

Squidward: Just when I thought they couldn't get any stupider.

Mr. Krabs: [over the phone] Where's me mustard?
Squidward: Um...
[He sees SpongeBob absorbing the mustard and growing ever bigger. Patrick plugs the cork into one of SpongeBob's pores. Back in the Krusty Krab, a man hacks away at the crow's nest Mr. Krabs is hiding in with an axe. SpongeBob's eyes well up with mustard]
Squidward: Your mustard is coming right up.
Mr. Krabs: When?
Squidward: Now...!

Squidward: [after an embarrassing incident] Too bad that didn't kill me.

Squidward: SpongeBob, the remote's broken. Get over here and fix it.
[SpongeBob hurls the cardboard television into the air, jumps onto Squidward and pokes him on the nose emphatically]
SpongeBob: [irritably] I have a better idea: why don't I get someone whose *job* it is to fix it? See, 'cause when I need a *job* done, I get somebody with a *job* to do that *job*!
[Squidward narrows his eyes]
Squidward: [suspiciously] What are you saying?
SpongeBob: Aaaaah!
[SpongeBob screams loudly and furiously and pushes Squidward's bed to the Krusty Krab]

SpongeBob: [from a rooftoop] I'm ugly and I'm proud!
Squidward: Is *that* what he calls it?

Squidward: But I have a theory. People talk loud when they wanna act smart, right?
Plankton: CORRECT!
Squidward: So if we play loud, people might think we're good! Everybody ready?
[band gets ready]
Squidward: And a one, and a two, and a one, two, three, four.
[band plays loudly, glass breaks]
Squidward: [baton breaks] Okay, new theory. Maybe we should play so quietly, no-one can hear us.

Pearl: SpongeBob, what do you like better? The Krazy Krab, or the Kooky Krab?
Squidward: For what, dare I ask?
Pearl: The new name for our new look. I mean, the Krusty Krab has got to go. Who wants to eat at a place they think it's crusty? Bleagh!
Squidward: Sure, it's a terrible name, but this is a terrible place. Therefore, the name should be left alone. Right, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: I got it! How about the Khaotic Krab?
Pearl: Or the Kissy Krab? Mwa-mwa-mwa.
SpongeBob: The King Krab.
Pearl: The Kandy Krab.
SpongeBob: The Kool Krab. Or the Kowboy Krab. The Kurly Krab. The Kreepy Krab. The Killer Krab!
Pearl: Ahh! No.
SpongeBob: You're right, too scary.
SpongeBob: Hmm... The Kuddly Krab!

Squidward: I don't have friends. I have suspects.

Squidward: That is one morbid teen.

Squidward: [miserable] Yep, this is great... Might as well rename this town Squidward's Paradise... Or perhaps too much paradise...
[He rests his head on his hands]

Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward! What the halibut is going on?
Squidward: It's a feeding frenzy, Mr. Krabs, and SpongeBob is still not back from his break.
[Mr. Krabs laughs]
Squidward: What?
Mr. Krabs: I thought you said SpongeBob was taking a break. No one has taken a break in the Krusty Krab since the chum famine of '59. Now, what was that you said?
Squidward: He took a break.
[Mr. Krabs stands shocked for a moment; his claws and nose fall off]

Squidward: [hearing his house explode] I should just walk away right now.

[Squidward is trying to start a marching band]
Squidward: OK now, how many of you have played musical instruments before?
Plankton: Do instruments of torture count?
Squidward: No.
Patrick: Is mayonnaise an instrument?
Squidward: No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument.
[Patrick raises his hand again]
Squidward: Horseradish is not an instrument either.
[Patrick lowers his hand]

Man: What's going on over here?
Squidette: It's that guy! He's playing with the reef blower!
Man: Playing... with the reef blower? That's the most childish thing I've ever heard of!
Squidward: But it's fun!
[the man guffaws]
Man: How could you possibly have fun with those oversized hair dryers?
Squidward: Like this!
[He sucks away the man's clarinet]
Man: Ahh! Give it back!
[Squidward fires the clarinet right back in the man's face]

[repeated line]
Squidward: I've never had a Krabby Patty!

Squidward: [addressing the people of Bikini Bottom through a megaphone while on strike from the Krusty Krab] With your support, we will send the hammer of the people's will crashing through the windows of Mr. Krabs' HOUSE OF SERVITUDE!
[everyone cheers]
Fish: Wow, all this supporting is making me hungry.
Fish: Hey, everybody, let's go get a Krabby Patty!
[everyone cheers and run into the Krusty Krab, trampling Squidward as they do]
Squidward: Nobody gives a care about the fate of labor as long as they can get their instant gratification.

[Squidward is in bed, his house is shaking from Spongebob's loud music]
Squidward: Spongebob is the only guy I know who can have fun with a jellyfish... for TWELVE HOURS!

Sandy: I love karate.
SpongeBob: I love kara-te.
Mr. Krabs: I love money-e.
Squidward: I hate all of you.

Plankton: Shut your mouth, you mediocre clarinet player.
Squidward: Mediocre?
Plankton: You pretentious, insignificant artist. Your sniveling creations are worth less than a protozoan's waste.

SpongeBob: [singing] Look at all the mustard flow! Look at all the mustard flow! The golden yellow fatty acid treat!

Mr. Krabs: [question for Squidward] You're gonna interrogate my blender? You're crazy!
Squidward: We're just gonna see what your "little buddy" knows.
[SpongeBob sets the blender on Mr. Krabs' desk. Squidward holds up a bat]
Mr. Krabs: [panicked] No, wait! What are you going to do to me blender? That cost me money!
Squidward: [to the blender] Where's Mr. Krabs? Not talking, eh?
[breaks the blender with the bat]
Mr. Krabs: No! That cost me $24.95!
SpongeBob: I guess it didn't know anything.
Squidward: Go get the toaster.
[SpongeBob gets the toaster and puts it on Mr. Krabs' desk]
Mr. Krabs: No, not me toaster. That cost me $32.50!
[Squidward breaks the toaster. Then SpongeBob sets a food processor on the desk]
Mr. Krabs: $62.67!
[Squidward breaks the food processor with the bat. SpongeBob picks up a coffee maker and puts it on the desk]
Mr. Krabs: Four... Well, actually, that one was a gift.
[Squidward breaks the coffee maker]
Mr. Krabs: [screaming] NO!

Squidward: Patrick, go be stupid somewhere else!
Narrator: Uh-uh-uh, Squidward! Remember what Mr. Krabs says:
[cardboard cutout of Krabs accompanied by a dialogue bubble]
Mr. Krabs: The money is always right!
Patrick: The ceiling is right, Squidward. You're not a very good employee.

Squidward: I can be anything I set my mind to. I can be a football player, or a king, or a spaceman.
SpongeBob: Or a football-playing king in space, with a moustache.
Squidward: Yeah. Uh-huh. You know, that reminds me. There's something I've always wanted to tell you since the first day I met you: Goodbye.

Squidward: Is number five's order ready yet, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Just a moment, Squidward. Well, Krabby Patty, it's time for you to go. You grew up so fast.
[sniff]
SpongeBob: I told myself I wouldn't do this. Just take it! Take it, Squidward!
[cries]
Squidward: Oh, Brother. Number five! Number five!
SpongeBob: That's me!
[eats Krabby Patty]
SpongeBob: Mmm. My compliments to the chef.

Policeman Inside Box: Attention! We have you surrounded! Come out with your hands up!
Squidward: What do they want with me? What did I do?
[gasps]
Squidward: Obviously I violated some new box kicking law!
[walks out of his house showing the green box]
Squidward: Look, officers, everything's okay. I won't do it again!
Criminal: You'll never take me alive, coppers!

Squidward: Why couldn't the 11-year-old get into the pirate movie? Because it was rated "Arr!"

Squidward: [SpongeBob is being dragged by the wind] Will you let go of that stupid pizza already?
SpongeBob: I can't, it's for the customer!
Squidward: Who cares about the customer?
SpongeBob: I do!
Squidward: Well, I don't!
[the wind stops]
SpongeBob: [gasp] Squidward!
[wind starts up again]

SpongeBob: You, the teacher to my pupil? This isn't art class, it's heaven.
Squidward: Yeah. Well, grab a little piece of heaven and sit down.

SpongeBob: These hands were not meant to create. They only destroy. I can't look at them!
[SpongeBob's hands separate from his arms and hide in a can; Squidward retreives them]
Squidward: Come on, SpongeBob. You have a pair of yellow dandies here. And with my help, they can be tools of beauty.
SpongeBob: Really?
Squidward: Really.
SpongeBob: Really?
Squidward: Really.
SpongeBob: Really?
Squidward: [impatient] Really!
SpongeBob: Wow!... Really?

Squidward: SpongeBob, this is the final straw. I am going to move so far away, that I would be able to brag about it. I would...
[a rock falls on his head]
Squidward: I would rather tear out my brain stem, carry it into the middle of the nearest four-way intersection and skip rope with it than go on living where I do now.
Man: Hi there! Is this the final straw? Do you want to move so far away that you can brag about it? Would you rather tear out your brain stem, walk out into the nearest three-way...
Squidward: Four-way.
Man: Four-way intersection and skip rope with it than continue living where you do now?

SpongeBob: [angry] When I need a JOB done I get someone with a JOB to do that JOB!
Squidward: What are you saying?

[Squidward runs down the street naked]
Squidward: The truth will be revealed!
Patrick: Woo-hoo! Right on, Squidward!

[the safe lands on Squidward's head]
SpongeBob: Oh, look! You found the safe!
Squidward: Just my luck.

[Plankton just created a robot version of Mr. Krabs]
Robot: Mr. Squidward!
Squidward: What now, Mr. Krabs?
Robot: That's right, I am Krabs, your boss, your ruler, your master!
[Plankton laughs evily, while Squidward looks at the robot version of Mr. Krabs]
Squidward: You're not Mr. Krabs.
Robot: Hey, why don't you take the rest of the day off?
Squidward: [laughing] Well... whatever you say, "Mr. Krabs"! Whoopee!
[Squidward then leaves the Krusty Krab]

[about "Robot Krabs"]
Squidward: Um SpongeBob, how did that movie of yours end?
SpongeBob: ...the movie? OH! The ending was great! Turns out there were no robots, it was just their... imagination...
[Spongebob laughs nervously and looks at watch]
SpongeBob: Hey, it's time to feed Gary...
SpongeBob: [He bolts out the door]
Squidward: [Squidward begins sweeping nervously]
Mr. Krabs: SQUIDWARD!

Squidward: Finally, the weekend is here. And this isn't just any old weekend. This is the weekend SpongeBob and Patrick go camping. You've waited a long time for this.
[suddenly, he hears SpongeBob and Patrick laughing outside]
Squidward: What the...?
[SpongeBob and Patrick are camping out in the yard outside]
Squidward: SpongeBob, aren't you two supposed to be camping?
SpongeBob: We are camping.
Squidward: [gesturing towards SpongeBob's pineapple home a few feet away] SpongeBob, it's not camping if you're ten feet from your house.
SpongeBob: Ah, it doesn't matter where you are as long as you're outdoors. While all those soft city folk are safe in their beds, reading books, we're out here pitting ourselves against the formidable forces of nature.

SpongeBob: [snowboarding] Hey, Sandy! Watch me do the Grouchy Squidward.
Squidward: Stop naming moves after me.
SpongeBob: [imitating Squidward] Everybody's an idiot except me.
Squidward: Well, it's true.

SpongeBob: [after waking up from a bad dream] Ah!
[sees everyone hovering over his bed, all looking quite irritable with him]
SpongeBob: Hey, what are you all doing in your pajamas? Are we having a slumber party?
Squidward: No, we are not having a slumber party!
Sandy: Do us all a favor, SpongeBob, and stay out of our dreams!
[everyone grumbles in agreement]
Sheldon J. Plankton: Take a hike!
Squidward: Don't we get enough of you during the day?
Gary: Meow!
Patrick: Does anybody have a quarter?
[everyone stares at Patrick]

Squidward: He made me a present? It's probably a jellyfish net, or an old krabby patty, or his favorite underpants. Haha.
[He opens the present]
Squidward: Why, it looks like a clarinet.
[He takes in the scent of the present]
Squidward: It smells like one, too. Handcrafted on driftwood. And it's even got my name on it.
[He finds a button that says "push"]
Squidward: What's this?
[He pushes the button and 3 wooden Squidwards with clarinets come out and bob up and down]
Squidward: Wow. This is the greatest gift I've ever gotten. Oh, I feel like a... I feel like a... I feel like a...
[a donkey appears on screen and makes braying noises]
Squidward: Big jerk! What have I done to poor SpongeBob?

[after Squidward is attacked by the Seabear]
Squidward: What did I do that time?
SpongeBob: I don't know, I guess he just doesn't like you!
Patrick: Pretend to be somebody else!
SpongeBob: [tossing Squidward their stick] Here, draw a circle!
Squidward: Okay.
[the Seabear suddenly attacks Squidward yet again]
SpongeBob: That was an oval! It has to be a circle!
Squidward: Move over!
[he jumps into the Anti-Seabear circle; the Seabear growls at Squidward before seeing the circle and threatens him before moving away]

Squidward: [responding to the statement] THEN GO FIX THEM!

Patrick: We should take Bikini Bottom and push it somewhere else!
Squidward: That idea may just be crazy enough... to get us all killed!

Mr. Krabs: Three cheers for SpongeBob! Hip-hip...
Crowd: Hooray!
Squidward: [unenthusiastic] Hooray.
Mr. Krabs: Hip-hip...
Crowd: Hooray!
Squidward: Whoop-dee-doo.
Mr. Krabs: Hip-hip...
Crowd: Hooray!
Squidward: Oh, Boy...
SpongeBob: And three cheers for the fry cook who took my place while I was gone: Squidward. Hip-hip...
Crowd: Boo!
SpongeBob: Hip-hip...
Crowd: Boo!
SpongeBob: Hip-hip...
Crowd: Boo!
SpongeBob: Hip-hip...
Deep: Boo! You stink!

SpongeBob: I made you this sweater... Do you love it?
Squidward: It's a little itchy. What's it made out of?
SpongeBob: Eyelashes.

[Mermaid Man is talking about his super hero costume]
Mermaid: Power's all in the costume! Why else would we run around in colored undies?
[pulls on his costume's "underwear" and snaps it]
Squidward: [grinning mischievously] I can think of three good reasons.

SpongeBob: [Mr. Krabs rubs his latest dollar all over his body while celebrating] What's wrong with Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Nothing lad, do you know what this is?
[shows them the dollar]
Squidward: A very dirty dollar?

Squidward: NO! NO! It's already been contaminated by a bad lemon it won't work!

Mr. Krabs: [after selling SpongeBob for pocket change] Look, Squidward. Money!
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, I can't believe I'm saying this, but how could you trade SpongeBob for 62 cents?
Mr. Krabs: You think I could have gotten more?
Squidward: He stuck up for you and you sold him out. You should be ashamed of yourself!
Mr. Krabs: [realizes] What have I done? Oh, I want another chance! I didn't learn anything! I lost me best fry cook! I don't want this foul money! I want SpongeBob back!
[sobs]

Squidward: What is the most fun thing you've always wanted to do?
SpongeBob: Actually, I keep a list of the most fun things I like to do.
Squidward: Great. Let's see it.
SpongeBob: The things that are extra fun are written in red.
Squidward: Everything's in red!
SpongeBob: Yeah, I know!

Squidward: And then, one night, while he was cutting the patties, it happened!
SpongeBob: He forget the secret sauce?
Squidward: No!
SpongeBob: He didn't wash his hands?
Squidward: No!
SpongeBob: Irregular portions?
Squidward: NO! He cut off his own hand by mistake!

Lord: Gentlemen, what *is* art?
SpongeBob: [jumping excitedly, a hand in the air] Oh! Me, me! I know, I know!
Squidward: [shoving SpongeBob out of the way] I thought you'd never ask! Art is a conscious arrangement of elements that affects the sense of beauty!
Lord: Not even close. Art is what happens when you learn... to *dream*.

Pearl: Oh, thanks for watching the house tonight, Squidward. I'll be back late, so don't wait up for-
[Squidward catches Pearl on the back of her dress with a fishing line]
Pearl: - ME!
[Squidward tries to reel her in]
Squidward: [straining] Your dad said we have to stay in tonight... Nggggh! But that doesn't we can't have... Dnnnngh... fun!
[Pearl flops about on the ground like a beached fish. Squidward drags her back home]

SpongeBob: I think town's that way.
Squidward: Oh, don't tell me, Jethro. The pioneers?
SpongeBob: Yes. Moss always points to civilization.
Squidward: That way? That way there? Let me get this straight. You're saying we should go that way?
SpongeBob: Yup.
Squidward: Well, then I'm going this way.
[Walks in the other direction]
SpongeBob: Huh? Wait, Squidward! I don't think...
Squidward: Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
[they walk away; camera pulls back to show town in opposite direction]

Squidward: He's an inanimate object. His money's no good here.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [Comes out of the cash register] What are you saying, Mr. Squidward? Everyone's money is good here.
[Cut to an escaped convict eating a Krabbby Patty]
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: At the Krusty Krab, we serves all kinds.
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, I'm not taking an order for a bubble!
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Sure you are, or I'll fill your life with misery and woe.
[Goes back inside the register, then pops out again]
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Even if you quit.

[SpongeBob walks up to Squidward, who is asleep on his feet behind the counter]
SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward!
[Squidward wakes with a start]
Squidward: Ahh! Who? What? Where? What? How?
SpongeBob: Notice anything different about me today, Squidward? Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh?... Huh, huh, huh?
Squidward: Nnnnope.
SpongeBob: I'm wearing a wig.
Squidward: [sarcastically] Oh yeah, how could I have missed it?

SpongeBob: [Chanting] Saved, saved! Saved, saved! Saved-saved, saved-saved, saved-saved-saved-saved-saved-saved! Saved-saved-saved-saved-saved, saved! Saved-saved-saved-saved-saved, saved! Yes, we are saved!
Squidward: It's just a stupid boulder.
SpongeBob: It's not just a boulder. It's a rock.
[Crying]
SpongeBob: A rock! A rock! A great, big, beautiful rock! Oh, the pioneers used to ride these babies for miles, and it's in great shape.
Squidward: SpongeBob! Will you stop talking about the stupid pioneers? Have you noticed that there are none of them left? That's because they were lousy hitchikers, ate coral, and took directions from algae! And now you're telling me they thought they could drive...
[SpongeBob runs over Squidward with the rock]
Squidward: ... rocks? Hold on there, Jethro!

[Squidward drags Patrick out of his house, but because he's so heavy, the octopus throws out his back]
Squidward: Oh-h, oh, my back! Agh, I threw out my back!
SpongeBob: Oh, boy! Now's my chance!
[He jumps out the window and starts running towards Squidward]
Squidward: SpongeBob! No, no, stay back!
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward! I'm coming!
Squidward: No! No, g-get away from me!
SpongeBob: Hang on! I'll save you!
[He tears off his clothes to reveal red swimming pants underneath. Squidward starts shuffling towards his house]
Squidward: No! No, no, no. Get away from me. No, no.
[SpongeBob jumps onto a diving board and springs into the air, launching himself at Squidward]
SpongeBob: Hold on!
Squidward: No! No! Get away!
[He yells. SpongeBob bounces off of Squidward's rear]
Squidward: Ow! Oh, I'm ruined! I-I'm-I'm... I feel... great. Thanks, SpongeBob! You're a real friend.
[SpongeBob beams broadly]
SpongeBob: Friend...
Squidward: Oh, no, no, I didn't mean that, no, no.

Sandy: Hey, SpongeBob. Whatcha doing? Are you having a garage sale?
SpongeBob: No. I'm giving up my material possessions to live a more natural life among the jellyfish.
Sandy: SpongeBob, Of all the crazy schemes. Why do you want to live with jellyfish? They're cold and mean and none too bright.
SpongeBob: Oh, Sandy. That is exactly the kind of response I expect from someone who lives the sham of a life I once led. I'm going to prove I don't need any of this stuff to be happy. Maybe someday you'll wise up and join me. Goodbye.
[Takes off pants]
SpongeBob: I won't be needing this.
[Runs off naked, buzzing]
Squidward: He took off his pants.
Sandy: I'll give him a week.
Squidward: I'll give him eleven minutes.
[They both leave; Patrick stays behind]
Patrick: [Crying] Patrick sad!

Squidward: The surface, eh? That SpongeBob-free shift will be mine.
[He begins to pedal up the cliff, and goes a few hundred yards before he stops to catch his breath. His legs start to buckle. He slides back down, but hits the brakes before the bike touches the bottom. He groans and sweats as he continues pedaling up that vertical stretch of road with incredible willpower]
Squidward: SpongeBob... shift... mine!

Squidward: How does it feel to be the most hated person in Bikini Bottom? Doesn't feel good, does it? I know.

[SpongeBob has discovered that Squidward is homeless]
Squidward: Don't you get it? I'm a loser! I lost my job, my home, everything!
SpongeBob: [gasps] Even your paintings?
Squidward: Nobody would take them. So I had to eat them.
[Squidward's stomach is shown in the shape of a picture frame, and then Squidward openly sobs]

[It's night, and SpongeBob still won't come down from the roof of the Krusty Krab]
SpongeBob: I sure do miss my friends. Hey, maybe I can see them from up here.
[SpongeBob looks out from the roof and sees his house, Squidward's house, and Patrick's house. Inside Squidward's house, Squidward is preparing himself dinner]
SpongeBob: Ooh, looks like Squidward has a date. Good for him. It can be so tough to put yourself out there.
[He sees Squidward clink both glasses of wine and drink them both]
SpongeBob: Oh, no. Poor Squidward. He's all alone!
[He gets an idea and lights up- literally]
SpongeBob: Ah!
[He pulls out a flashlight from one of his pores]
SpongeBob: Don't worry, friend. I'm here for you.
[He shines a light down at Squidward's house and makes a shadow puppet. The shadow puppet massages Squidward's head and back. The octopus enjoys the massage, his eyes closed]
Squidward: Hm? Oh! Oh, that feels good.
[He opens his eyes]
Squidward: Huh?
[His mouth drops open and he sees a giant shadow stretching across his ceiling. He dives across his table, clings to the wall and screams as though he'd seen a ghost]
SpongeBob: Hmm, maybe he's hungry.
[Squidward is standing with his hand on his head, wondering what that horrible sight he'd just seen was. SpongeBob's shadow puppet reappears, forces Squidward's mouth open and tries to feed him his dinner, but Squidward springs to the door and struggles to get it open]
SpongeBob: Come on, Squidward! Eat your...
[There's a crack as SpongeBob's hand cramps up]
SpongeBob: Ow! Hand cramp! Hand cramp!
[the shadow starts clumsily knocking things around. Squidward is still struggling to get the door open, yelping mincingly. The shadow accidentally throws his dinner on top of him]
SpongeBob: Ow, ow, ow, ow!
[His shadow puppet knocks over the table. Squidward runs to the window and struggles to open it. It won't budge so he pounds on it, yelling in distress. One of the shadow puppet fingers comes crashing down on Squidward's head by accident. The octopus' Moai house jumps about due to all of the commotion going on inside and soon its resident runs out screaming]
SpongeBob: Guess he wasn't hungry after all.

Squidward: Let me guess. It's at home... under your mattress.
[Mr. Krabs gasps, then runs home at top speed]
Mr. Krabs: Curse you, Squidward!

Plankton: Why don't we just destroy him and get it over with?
Squidward: Here, here.
Patrick: You leave my best friend alone!
Plankton,19073: It was just a suggestion!

Squidward: [clapping his hands] Four O' Clock time for my stories. Hurry up they won't hold the show while you laze around!
[SpongeBob rolls in a fake cardboard TV in front of Squidward and hands him a remote control Squiward takes it and hits a button turning the fake TV on]

SpongeBob: So, Patrick's the Strangler? Gee, you think you know a guy.
Strangler: [exploding] He's not the Strangler!
SpongeBob: He's not?
Strangler: [rips off his fake mustache] I AM!
SpongeBob: Hey, how'd you do that without shaving cream?
Strangler: Oh, it's a FAKE, you idiot! I bought it at the party store!
Squidward: [the partygoers suddenly return] Did someone say "party"?
Strangler: AAH!
[crashes though wall]

Squidward: I'm going back.

Squidward: I just remembered I needed change for this dollar.
SpongeBob: Do you want four quarters? Or ten dimes? Or twenty nickles? Or one hundred pennies? Or one quarter, three dimes, seven nickles and ten pennies? Or if you give me a five dollar bill, your options are...
Squidward: Alright! Goodbye.

SpongeBob: He's right, Squidward, Seabears are all too real. Why, once I met this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy's *cousin*...
Squidward: YOU'RE RIGHT!

[SpongeBob, covered with worms, sees Squidward going into his house and walks towards him. Worms cover his eyes and mouth]
SpongeBob: Squidward! Squidward! Squidward! I need a hug!
[Squidward sees SpongeBob, screams with fright and sprays him with a hose. SpongeBob soaks up the water]
SpongeBob: Does that mean no hug?
Squidward: There will be no hugs! Get away from me, you monstrosity!

[Squidward arrives at the Krusty Krab and lethargically opens the door]
Squidward: Sorry I'm late, I...
[He sees a crowd of people lying in a pile. Other people are running around screaming or just acting plain insane]
Squidward: Um... back to bed.

[Squidward and SpongeBob cling to each other for dear life as the "Slasher" approaches]
Squidward: SpongeBob, no matter what I've said, I've always sorta liked you.
SpongeBob: Squidward, I used your clarinet to unclog my toilet.
Squidward: [with outraged chagrin] Huh?

Squidward: Stupid messy moron rubbernecking fathers and so on...

[Patrick is about to agree with Mr. Krabs to give him his coupon when Squidward appears between them, holding a sandwich]
Squidward: You should be ashamed of yourself! Taking advantage of a simpleton.
[He pushes Patrick away and munches on his sandwich]
Mr. Krabs: Aww, come on. Can't an old crab have a little unscrupulous fun anymore?
[He scuttles away]
Patrick: Hey, you ruined my deal! I almost had a handshake!
[He fruitlessly tries to take a swing at Squidward. Squidward puts the rest of the sandwich into his mouth and coolly pulls a lever on the construction crane, freeing Patrick but also allowing him to fall on his face, which for Squidward is a win-win situation because being nice to Patrick of all people feels wrong, but he'd feel guilty if he did nothing]
Squidward: Oh, you ding-dong wingnut! Krabs was just trying to steal your coupon!
[He walks on Patrick- for good measure- and leaves]

SpongeBob: I am just so touched that you would go to the trouble to dress up as a ghostly fry-cook and stand on the other side of the street just to entertain me. You must really like me!
Squidward: Spongebob, there are two problems with your theory. One, I hate you. And two, how can that be me when I'm standing right here?

Squidward: Let me get this straight. You two bought a big screen television just so you could play in the box?
SpongeBob: Pretty smart, huh?
Patrick: I thought it wouldn't work.

Squidward: [to Spongebob] Ah ha! I caught you now! You didn't think I knew you were the stick outside my window. Ha! Or the toilet in my bathroom, and then you were in my bathtub, and I, and, and you, and I, and then you... swam down the drain, and... beat me... to the krusty... krab.

SpongeBob: Defense calls Mr. Squidward to the stand.
Mr. Krabs: Ah, Squidward. A loyal employee.
SpongeBob: Mr... Tentacles, is it? My client has been called cheap. Do you agree with this ludicrous statement?
Squidward: Yes.
Mr. Krabs: What?
SpongeBob: Let me rephrase the question. Can you recall an instance of Mr. Krabs' generosity in any way?
Squidward: Nope. Can I go now? My first day off in three years and I have to spend it testifying?

Doll: [throwing a cup at Squidward] Wanna pick that up?
[It drives off, laughing]
Squidward: I hate that doll.

Squidward: [trying to change the channel] This isn't my show!

Mr. Krabs: [to the Flying Dutchman] I'm not cheap! I'm generous!
Squidward: You almost tore a man's arm off for a penny.
Mr. Krabs: [sarcastically] Thanks, Squidward. I knew I could count on you.

SpongeBob: Floppin' flounder, Mermaid Man! Makeout Reef!
Mermaid: [pounding the table] Those fiends! Attacking hormonally stressed-out children!
Squidward: [smiling dreamily] Ah, Makeout Reef. Good times, good times.

Barnacle: Listen, big-nose, that guy has been saving your butt since before you were born! Don't you got a living legend discount or something?
Squidward: This is a restaurant, not a lending library. And who are you calling "big-nose", big-nose?

Monty P. Moneybags: Who's responsible for this?
Squidward: [angrily] From now on, it's his responsibility!
[puts his artist's hat onto the janitor]
Squidward: Good day to you, sirs!
[storms off]
Monty P. Moneybags: [to the janitor] You, sir, are the greatest artist who ever lived!

Squidward: [from inside the booth] You want me to what?
[Mr. Krabs moans. Inside the tent, the nurse hands Squidward a small plastic jar]
Nurse: Fill this, please!
[Squidward takes the jar, grumbling. The nurse places her hands on her hips. Squidward looks with discomfort at the nurse, then at the jar, then back at the nurse]
Squidward: Could I get a little privacy?
[He sees the nurse's expression, furrows his brow, swings his legs around to the other side of the bench, inks into the jar and continues to grumble. He hands the jar of ink to the nurse, who inspects it closely]
Nurse: Hmmm... Good color.
[She dips her pen into the ink and starts taking notes]
Nurse: Solid line fidelity. The ink is a little thick, though.
Squidward: Hey!
Nurse: You just need to drink more water, though. You passed.

SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward. We're going jellyfishing.
Squidward: Of course you are.
SpongeBob: Wait. Don't you want to join us? We made a net especially for you.
Squidward: [Sarcastic] Me? Go jellyfishing with you guys? Oh, that would be the best day ever in my book. I would love to go jellyfishing. I can't think of anything better to do in my day off than go jellyfishing with my two best friends, SpongeBob and, uh...
Patrick: Patrick.
Squidward: Right. But I can't. Goodbye.
SpongeBob: Next time, then?
Squidward: Oh, sure. Whatever.

Squidward: Why is he so happy about?
[Sees the calendar set on April 1st]
Squidward: Aah! April 1st? April Fools Day is SpongeBob's favorite holiday!
[Dials phone]
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, I can't come in to work today. I caught something horrible.
Mr. Krabs: What'd you catch?
Squidward: I caught sight of the calendar.

Squidward: Okay. Let's have a good, clean fight.
SpongeBob: And may the better man win!
[They shake hands. We see closeups of their worn, sleepless faces]
SpongeBob: [in his thoughts] He's nothin' but a lyin', boneless, ink-squirtin', big-nosed phony!
Squidward: [in his thoughts] Look at that buck-toothed, corn-fed smile! You can't trust him as far as you can throw him!
SpongeBob: [in his thoughts] As soon as he stops shaking my hand...
Squidward: [in his thoughts] ... I'm gonna make a run for it!
[Their hand shaking has gotten stiff and mechanical. The two of them laugh nervously, and then make a run for it]

Flying: Who be disturbing the Flying Dutchman in his own lair?
SpongeBob: [cheerfully] It's Squidward, he wants to complain to you.
[the Flying Dutchman looks at Squidward]
Squidward: [nervously] I... no I don't
SpongeBob: Well, what about all that stuff about him having a dirty ship and being lazy and all?
[Flying Dutchman glares angrily at Squidward]
Squidward: [laughs nervously] I never said that
Flying: Insulting a man's ship be worse than insulting his mother!
SpongeBob: No, no wait, it was his mother you said was dirty, not his ship!
[the Flying Dutchman fries Squidward with fire from his nose]

[Squidward is asleep in bed. SpongeBob comes into his room, carrying Gary under one arm and pokes him on the nose]
SpongeBob: [whispering] Squidward? Squidward?
[Squidward opens his eyes and moans, not quite awake]
Squidward: Uh-huh?
SpongeBob: Squidward?
[Squidward mumbles sleepily]
SpongeBob: Squidward, could we stay here a couple of days or a month or two?
Squidward: [blearily, still half-asleep] Whatever.
[SpongeBob sets Gary down by Squidward's bed]
SpongeBob: Thanks! Thanks, Squidward!
[He gets into the octopus' bed beside him]
SpongeBob: Squidward, can you scoot over a little?
Squidward: [half-asleep] Oh, yeah, sure.
SpongeBob: Oh, while you're at it, can you get me a glass of water?
Squidward: [half-asleep] Okay. Oh, yeah, sure.
[He near-sleepwalks out of bed and goes to get a glass of water for SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: Yeah, this is a real swell place you got here!
[Squidward comes back with the glass of water]
SpongeBob: Thanks, buddy!
[He takes the glass]
Squidward: [half-asleep] You're welcome.
[He gets back into bed]
SpongeBob: Yeah, I like sleepovers!
Squidward: [half-asleep] Yeah, me too.
SpongeBob: Yep, this is great. Good night, Squidward.
Squidward: [half-asleep] Good night, SpongeBob.
[Squidward fully wakes up as he realizes what he just said. His eyes snap open. He forces SpongeBob out of his house]
Squidward: Good night, SpongeBob.

Squidward: Welcome to the Krusty Krab. My name is Squidward. May I take your order?
Clay: Hmmm... uhh... oh, I'll have a...
[Squidward takes out a pencil and a paper]
Clay: ... no.
[Squidward puts the pencil and the paper away]
Clay: Maybe...
[Squidward takes out the pencil and the paper]
Clay: ... no.
[Squidward puts the pencil and the paper away]
Clay: Hmmm... I'll have...
[Squidward takes out the pencil and the paper]
Clay: ... no. Or maybe...
Squidward: Are you planning on ordering today, sir?
Clay: I'll have a Krabby Patty.
[Squidward writes down order]
Squidward: How original.
Clay: And with extra onions.
Squidward: Daring today, aren't we?

Squidward: WHAT?

[Patrick, choking on snowballs, walks up to Squidward's house and knocks on his door]
Squidward: Yes? Oh, Patrick.
[Patrick tries to talk]
Squidward: What an unpleasant surprise. Oh, boy, nothing like a game of charades.
[Patrick swallows the snowballs]
Patrick: [in one breath] I was trying to tell you that I was choking on snow, but the snow melted and turned into water, and I drank all the water, now I'm better.
Squidward: [dryly] Fascinating.

Squidward: That was disgusting! I feel like I need to scrub myself!
[Goes to bathtub; finds Patrick inside]
Squidward: Ahhhh!
Patrick: Hey, buddy! I warmed it up for you!
Squidward: Patrick! Get out! And put some clothes on!
SpongeBob: [Peeking through the window] Something wrong, best friend? Oho, so this is what I find - my best friend and my ex-best friend and... rubber bath toys!

Squilliam: On your lunch break, eh Squidie?
Squidward: Uhh... duh... I... um... hey, whatcha been up to?
Squilliam: Oh, just exceeding in everything *you* failed in.
Squidward: You are no great gib, Squilliam Fancyson. Anyone could be a bigshot in a hicktown like Bikini Bottom.
Squilliam: Oh, yeah? Well let's hear what you've accomplished since high school.
Squidward: Don't be intimidated, Squidward. Just picture him in his underwear... Oh, no, he's hot!

Squidward: I order the food, you cook the food. We do that for 40 years, and then we die. That seems like a good deal to me, what do you say?

[SpongeBob has a jellyfish on a leash]
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward. Meet my new pet.
Squidward: That's no pet. That's a wild animal.
SpongeBob: No he isn't. He can do tricks.
[Throwing a stick]
SpongeBob: Fetch!
[Jellyfish fetches stick]
SpongeBob: [holding up three fingers] How many fingers am I holding up?
[Jellyfish buzzes three times]
SpongeBob: Play dead!
[Jellyfish is buried under a tombstone, then comes out]
Squidward: I wouldn't let that thing in my house even if it was potty-trained.
[Jellyfish is sitting on a toilet, reading the newspaper and humming]
Squidward: I didn't need to see that.

Patrick: [returns with the pie Squidward threw earlier] I found it!
Squidward: I'll take that!
[throws it in his face]
Patrick: Yes your ghostliness!
[licks pie off his face]
Patrick: this is fun.

Squidward: I call it: Bold and Brash.
Monty P. Moneybags: More like: Belongs in the Trash!

Squidward: If SpongeBob is living here, that means he's not living... next to me!
[Lies down on ground making snow angels]
Mr. Krabs: [Watching Squidward on the floor] Must be a full moon.

SpongeBob: Good morning, Squidward.
Squidward: Says who?

Mr. Krabs: Hip hip!
Squidward: Hooray. Mr. Krabs...
Mr. Krabs: Hip hip!
Squidward: Hooray. Mr. Krabs...
Mr. Krabs: Hip hip!
Squidward: Hooray. Mr. Krabs...
Mr. Krabs: I'll be in my office counting the booty.
[holding cart full of money]

Squidward: I'm out of here!

[Squidward and Mr. Krabs have gone over to inspect Wormy, who is fluttering around the Krusty Krab inside a bubble]
Squidward: Get a load of the scary monster! Haw haw! "Monster"! Haw haw haw!
Eugene: Aww, it looks harmless.
Squidward: It's kinda cute.
Eugene: It reminds me of money!
[Squidward gently clasps the bubble with his hands and looks into it]
Squidward: "Monster"! Haw haw haw!
Eugene: Arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr!
[the two of them look at the butterfly's face and see that it's horrifying. The two shriek and make a run for it]

Mr. Krabs: Squidward, what's with the creepy smile?
Squidward: I was just - He he! - remembering the world before SpongeBob. Ha ha!

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Squidward, what in Neptune's name is going on here?
Squidward: We're making a commercial.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: What you're doing is wasting all my money. I told you to rent out only what's absolutely necessary.
Squidward: This is all absolutely necessary.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Then what's all this useless junk?
Squidward: That's the useless junk for scene, uh, 28.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Then how do you explain that? A second Krusty Krab.
Squidward: Everyone needs an understudy.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [Looking at his look-alike] Well, you got me there. But what about him?
[Points to a clown]
Squidward: This job can get very stressful, Mr. Krabs.

[SpongeBob has finished taking out the trash and is walking confidently across the floor of the Krusty Krab. Squidward is leering at him mockingly from behind the counter]
Squidward: So, you're not afraid?
SpongeBob: Pfff! Nah.
Squidward: Well, I am. Especially after...
[He gulps]
Squidward: Well, you know.
SpongeBob: What? What do I know?
Squidward: You don't remember? It was all over the news!
SpongeBob: [eagerly clenching his fists in excitement] Tell me! Tell me!
Squidward: [waving a tentacle dismissively] No, no, I probably shouldn't.
[He puts his hands to his chest, feigning sympathy]
Squidward: It would ruin the night shift for you.
[His eyes narrow and his mouth forms into a cunning grin]

Mr. Krabs: [SpongeBob and Squidward approach him with angry looks on their faces] Oh, hello, boys, what can I do for you?
[SpongeBob and Squidward shut the door and lock it]
Mr. Krabs: Heh, heh, why did you lock the door?
[nervously]
Mr. Krabs: Why do you have that rope? Who's watching the cash register?
[SpongeBob and Squidward attack him and tie him to a chair]
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob!, Squidward! What is the meaning of this? Untie me this instant!
Squidward: [slaps him] Shut up!
Mr. Krabs: Sweet Davy Jones! What the heck is going on?
Squidward: I said, shut up, you bucket of bolts!
[slaps him again]
SpongeBob: I can't take it!
[runs off crying]
Squidward: SpongeBob, are you okay?
SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward, seeing you slap Mr. Krabs like that is just too horrible to watch!
Squidward: No, that's not Mr. Krabs, that's Robot Krabs!
SpongeBob: Oh, yeah.
Squidward: And the only way to deal with these robot types is to find out what they know.
SpongeBob: Right.
[walks up to Mr. Krabs and slaps him]
Squidward: SpongeBob, you got to ask him a question first.
SpongeBob: Oh, yeah.
[to Mr. Krabs]
SpongeBob: What color is my underwear?
[slaps him again]

[a tennis ball crashes through the window and destroys everything including Squidward's meal. Squidward comes back with the croque-madame]
Squidward: What the-?
[the tennis ball flies into Squidward's croque-madame and gets splattered in the face with it. Squidward shakes the croque-madame off and growls]

Doctor: Therefore, a shot of snail plasma must be carefully administered.
[gives both the syringe and Gary to SpongeBob]
Doctor: Here you go.
SpongeBob: Aren't you gonna do it?
Doctor: Oh, no, no no no no no no no no. I'm too squeamish.
[he leaves]
Squidward: Uh, hang on, Doc, let me help you with your back there.

Squidward: [after Squidward goes too far pulling an April Fools prank on SpongeBob] Where's SpongeBob?
Patrick: He's in the house. He's impressed.
Squidward: With what?
Patrick: I don't know, but it must have been pretty good to make him cry like that.

[the trio climb onboard a ghostly pirate ship]
Squidward: Alright, who owns this crate?
[knocks on the cabin door]
Squidward: Come on out! I wanna file a complaint!
SpongeBob: [looks around] Doesn't this place seem familiar?
Patrick: I don't know. Why?
SpongeBob: I don't know, doesn't it just kinda ring a bell?
[Squidward repeatedly rings the doorbell by the cabin door]
Patrick: Yes!
SpongeBob: I know who owns this boat, but I just can't place the name.
[He passes by a barrel labelled "property of the Flying Dutchman". Squidward angrily pounds on the cabin door until the Flying Dutchman suddenly bursts out]
Flying: [roaring] Aaargh-oowh-waagh!
SpongeBob: No, no, it's not
[imitating him]
SpongeBob: "Aaargh-oowh-waagh!"
Flying: I am the Flying Dutchman!
SpongeBob: That's it! Squidward, this ship belongs to the Red Baron!

Squidward: Why would you wanna talk to him?
SpongeBob: Who wouldn't want to talk to their pet?
Squidward: I was talking to Gary.

Mr. Krabs: I appreciate you, Squidward.
Squidward: [sarcastically] Now I feel complete.

Squidward: Does anyone have any sunscreen?

[a giant anchor crashes into SpongeBob's pineapple]
SpongeBob: Holy shrimp!
[runs to Squidward's house]
SpongeBob: Squidward! The sky had a baby from my cereal box! Squiid-waard!
[Squidward pops his head out of one of his windows in annoyance]
SpongeBob: Squidward! The sky had a baby!
Squidward: That's not a baby! That's a giant anchor! Now, go away!
Patrick: [walks up to SpongeBob] Hey, SpongeBob! The sky had a baby!
SpongeBob: I know. What do you think we should we name it?

Squilliam: Well, Squiddy, this is exactly how I pictured your band would look.
[SpongeBob dances happily while flickering his tongue]
Squidward: That's his... eager face.