The Best The Last Man on Earth Quotes

Carol: We should go back and get that bomb...
Phil: Carol... I knew you were gonna say that. I don't know how to put a bomb back in that little thingy!
Carol: We're Americans, we put a man on the moon!
Phil: Fine, if you wanna go back and get the bomb, we'll go back and get the bomb.
Carol: That won't be necessary, Phil, it's fine. Just the fact that you offered is good enough for me.

Pamela: I was in a bunker for 3 years. So you'll excuse me if I'm Michael Jackson's doctor right now. All out of patience.

Mike: Another goose egg. Thanks a lot, Canary Islands. You couldn't give me, like, one living person. There's gotta be someone out there. Right, Terry? No comment? OK. Nancy, what about you? Wow, you guys... you guys are real quiet today. OK, I'm gonna go masturbate. Do me a favor, turn your guys' heads, please? Thank you. Plug your ears, too.

Carol: [Addressing Melissa] Well he is not very handy, so I am not going to hold my breast.
Phil: Breath.
Carol: Why would I hold my breath? I would die.

Phil: I mean, how many Speedy Pumps can there be? Damn it, there's infinity Speedy Pumps!

Phil: Carol, what did you do to the Monet?
Carol: Well, this old thing didn't have any life in it, so I painted a fun little dog on it.
Phil: I saw that...
Carol: Hi there, little guy! I call it 'Dog Bridge, by Monet and Carol'. Isn't it better?
Phil: No, it is not. Please don't paint on my paintings!
Carol: [leans sideways to hide from Phil's view the duck she'd painted on his Van Gogh]

Carol: And this is Glen's room. He was trying not to get the virus. He got it. And this is Bernice's room. And that's her skeleton.
Phil: God, Carol...!
Phil: Oh, no, she studied anatomy.

Phil: I promise you - there's nothing to be afraid of!
Carol: [correcting] Nothing of which to be afraid.
Phil: I just said that!
Carol: You can't end sentences with prepositions... 'nothing of which to be afraid' is the proper grammar.

Phil: Barf quieter bud.
Todd: Your no barf church mouse either bud.

Carol: And here's my parents - Carol and Marcia.
Phil: Oh, your dad was named Carol, too?
Carol: No, Marcia.

Phil: What do you need that gun out for?
Carol: Don't you mean 'out for what do you need that gun'?
Phil: OK, that can't be right...

Karl: SPOILER: My name is Karl, and i am a cannibal.
[Exhales]
Karl: Oh, god, yes. It's like a weight has been lifted. Anyway, this has been such a day. Why don't we all get some sleep, and we can pick this up in the morning. It'll give you some time to process this and formulate some questions for me. And hey, i'm gonna have some questions for you, it's a dialog.
Karl: Good people on both sides.
Karl: Good night guys. Lock your doors. Mean that.

Phil: Do you HAVE to wear that thing all the time?
Carol: Oh Phil, sleep apnea is a part of who I am, just like dandrift and aggressive night toots are a part of who you are.

Carol: Son of a bee sting!

Phil: Can we start over?
Carol: Okay, okay.
Phil: [introducing himself] Phil Miller, last man on Earth.
Carol: Carol Pilbasian, last woman on Earth.

Gail: Champagne and beef jerky? This is like new year's eve at Ted Nugent's house.

Phil: [to his infant daughter] Who just got her bath? You did. You did. And who just did a huge poop? That's right. Daddy did.