30 Best Tom Scavo Quotes

[Lynette's father-in-law, Rodney, climbs up the ladder to the roof, from where grandson Parker is not budging. He is afraid to climb down despite Lynette's prior attempts to coax him down]
Rodney: Parker, I got a question for you. It's only one, but it's kind of an important question - a character-defining question, actually. Wanna hear it?
Parker: Hm-hmm.
Rodney: Only a little girl would be afraid to come down the ladder. Now, you're not a little girl, are you?
[Lynette looks askance at Rodney]
Rodney: I'm not looking at a girly girl, am I?
[pouts]
Rodney: [Tom comes back outside]
Tom: [to his father, who's climbing down the ladder with Parker piggy-backing] Wow, you got him down.
[to wife Lynette]
Tom: How'd he do that?
Lynette: Sexism.

Tom: I love you because you did the right thing, and I admire your bravery.
Lynette: And I love you because you find ways to compliment me when you could just say, "I told you so."
[They kiss, then Tom says something in sign language]
Lynette: You just signed "I told you so", didn't you?
Tom: You'll never prove it.

Tom: You told a teenage boy you liked his poetry? Geez Lynette why not just flash him a boob?
Lynette: shh he'll here you...

Tom: The kids would benefit from having two stay-at-home parents. Although buying food might become an issue.

[the twins decide to take a break as soon as a group of teenagers come in]
Lynette: What's going on here?
Preston: Those kids go to our school.
Porter: And you know who that big guy is? Kevin McDurmot, the guy called me 'Jesus' for a year cause I wore sandals for one day! If he sees me wearing this, I'll never hear the end of it.
Tom: Fine, don't wear the apron.
Porter: No. I'm not gonna wait on a kid who's gonna make fun of me on Monday morning. It's humiliating enough having to work here.
[Tom has a tantrum and slams Porter against the wall, and Lynette breaks it up]
Parker: [looking shocked] Guys, I just sat a twelve-top, who's taking it?
Tom: I will.
[they all look shocked]

Ed: So, the pig actually eats the bacon?
Tom: Uh, huh, yeah.
Ed: I don't see the client doing a happy dance over the whole cannibalism theme.
Lynette: Well, Tom, why don't you pitch him the other idea you came up with last night. You know the one where people love bacon so much they want to keep it a secret.
Ed: What like a secret underground society of bacon eaters?
Tom: More like my college fraternity, where, you know, everybody wanted in, but we only took the coolest guys.
Ed: You were Greek?
Tom: Alpha Tau Omega.
Ed: I was Phi Kap.
Tom: You?
Ed: And I don't remember you having to be that cool to pledge ATO.
Tom: Look, if I had a nickel for every Phi Kap that I tied to a freeway sign.
Ed: Scavo, if you were my pledge, I would've made you my bitch.

Lynette: What's that look on your face? You didn't eat dairy again did you?
Tom: No I've been working out!
Lynette: Oh.
Tom: If you're good I'll let you cut the feel
Lynette: That's ok I can see it from here. It's "thrilling"

Tom: [Tom and Lynette are having dinner with Gabby and Carlos Tom has just found out Carlos saw Lynette naked after she tripped and fell in the shower] What's going on here?
Gabrielle: Lynette was taking a shower and Carlos came by to drive her to work she tripped and fell and he helped her.
Lynette: You told her? I asked you no to.
Carlos: She's my wife I tell her everything.
Tom: Well you hear that Lynette? They tell each other everything, that way they know that they're not hiding anything.
Lynette: I was just afraid you'd overreact! Like you're doing right now.
Tom: Full disclosure Lynette! That's what a marriage is about!
Gabrielle: So I guess you disclosed your little "friendship" with Patty Rizzo?
Lynette: What little friendship?
Tom: You know what I think this is gorgenzola.
Lynette: Tom?
Tom: Patty gave me a ride home and for some reason Gabby's making a big deal about it.
Lynette: Because it's Patty Rizzo, she's a total slut. You should be on antibiotics just for sitting in her car!
Gabrielle: Exactly!
Carlos: Stay out of this Gabby you've done enough damage!
Gabrielle: Hey don't snap at me! Lynette's my friend and I was just watching her back!
Tom: While your husband was watching her back!
Lynette: Drop it Tom! We'll continue this at home!
Gabrielle: If you have a shower at the office, how come you come home smelling so bad?
Carlos: I don't know... Why does lamb tat like sawdust?

Tom: So what do you gals do when you get together?
Gabrielle: Mostly gossip. You got any good gossip?
Tom: ...Oh I heard Ed Simmons got a new Harley!
Gabrielle: ...You know I should get back...
Tom: Come on give me a break. I'm still new at this.
Gabrielle: Ok. We'll start with something a little easier. Bitching.
Tom: I can handle that! Bitch away!
Gabrielle: Well, I am so pissed at Carlos, he is never home. And when he is, he's to tired to do anything. And by anything I mean sex.
[Tom stares at her]
Gabrielle: Are you uncomfortable?
Tom: A little... go on.
Gabrielle: Well we've never had a drought like this it's been almost two weeks.
Tom: Two weeks? That's a drought for you?
Gabrielle: Yeah. Lately Carlos just doesn't want to do it
Tom: Err! Wrong! Guys always wanna do it.
Gabrielle: Really?
Tom: Yeah!
Gabrielle: Even if you're tired and get home late?
Tom: Even if we're exhausted and late and been shot in the leg... twice! We still want to. So you've just gotta get past the tired adult to find the horny teenage boy inside.
Gabrielle: Huh. It's good to know... You're good at this girl talk thing!
Tom: Well thanks! So um, does Lynette ever talk about me and sex?
Gabrielle: ...Yeah, I should get back...

Tom: Dear Porter really like you but I wanna see other offspring...
Lynette: Go away...

[about the kids]
Lynette: Why don't I just put them back in me and cook 'em until they're civilized?
Tom: You'd be cool with that?

[Lynette and Tom aren't talking at all at breakfast]
Parker: Are you mad at daddy?
Lynette: No. Why would you think that?
Parker: Cause you're not talking to him.
Lynette: Well you know two people who have known each other as long as mommy and daddy ahve, they don't have to always talk, in fact a sign of a good relationship is being comfortable in silence.
Tom: That's true, although mommy ignoring me last night at work wasn't exactly what I call comfortable.
Lynette: Well daddy probably didn't notice that I was unloading twenty-pound bags of flour cause he still can't lift them, so mommy didn't exactly have time to sit around and chew the fat.
Tom: Well you haven't wanted to chew that fat for five days now. Come on Lynette something is obviously bugging you.
Lynette: You wanna know what's bugging me? I'm trying to have a lovely breakfast with my family and you're picking a fight.
Tom: Who's fighting, I just wanna talk!
Lynette: There's nothing to talk about, OK, just leave me alone.
Parker: Sorry I asked!

Lynette: What did you say?
Tom: Well, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. That's - you know what, forget it. I'll call and I'll cancel. Don't worry about it.
Lynette: No, no. Let's, let's do it.
Tom: Really?
Lynette: Yeah, it's good for your career. I'll pull it off.

[Tom gets into college]
Parker: I can help you study if you want.
Tom: I'm not sure how much help you're gonna be. I'm majoring in Chinese.
Preston: I know how to say "Take me to a strip bar" in Mandarin.
Lynette: I'm so proud. Porter aren't you gonna congratulate your father.
Porter: Congratulations on ruining my life. If you see me on campus you're not allowed to talk to me.

Porter: Ooh, Dad called a family meeting.
Parker: Yeah, mom he said it's about the restaurant.
Lynette: Oh boy, I think I know what this is about. Things have been tough down at the restaurant and I think your dad has finally decided to sell it.
Parker: Wow!
Preston: Is he gonna be okay?
Lynette: I don't know, that's why we all have to be really supportive, and you with me?
[all nod]
Tom: Hey guys, good, you're all here.
Penny: I love you daddy!
Lynette: Not yet.
Tom: I wanted to talk to you all about our pizzeria.
Lynette: Just know that we're 100% behind you.
Tom: That means a lot because this was a really rough day for me. I had to let all our employees go. So starting tomorrow, you kids are my new wait staff!
Lynette: Tom, what the hell are you talking about?
Tom: You and I'll handle the days and the kids'll join us after school and on the weekends.
Parker: At the risk of sounding spoiled, a-noo.
Tom: Come on, we'll love working together,
Porter: Why? We don't even like living together.
Preston: You're not even going to pay us?
Penny: I'm nine, is that even legal?
Tom: I think so, but just to be sure, you're fifteen, happy birthday!
Parker: Mom, please do something.

Tom: I had to let all of our employees go. So starting tomorrow you kids are my new wait staff!
Lynette: Tom what the hell are you talking about?
Tom: I got it all worked out. You and I will handle the days and the kids will join us after school and on the weekends.
Parker: Um. At the risk of sounding spoiled. No.
Tom: come on it'll be fantastic! We'll love working together!
Porter: Why? we don't even like living together.
Tom: look labor is our number one cost if we can eliminate it we'll start making a profit again.
Preston: what you're not even gonna pay us?
Penny: I'm nine is that even legal?
Tom: I think so... but just to be safe you're now 15. Happy Birthday!

Tom: [to Lynette about Kayla] She threw your doll in the trash?
Lynette: No. First, she ripped off its arms, stuffed it with chili, then she threw it in the trash.
Tom: So what did you do?
Lynette: Nothing.
Tom: And this is after you let her watch TV during dinner?
Lynette: I didn't know what else to do. I'm trying to win over a little girl who clearly doesn't want a new mother.
Tom: Well, I guess giving her special treatment isn't gonna solve anything.
Lynette: You know what might solve something? If you were home once in a while. You're the one she listens to.
Tom: I am trying to open up a restaurant. Our life savings is riding on this thing.
Lynette: I know, I know, I know.
Tom: You know what? I don't want you to be afraid to take a firm hand with Kayla. She's part of our family now, and you know what that means.
Lynette: Yeah. I should treat her as badly as I treat my own children.

Tom: Last night we were having sex, you fell asleep.
Lynette: After?
Tom: During.
Lynette: Oh... was it good?

Lynette: So I wanna hear more about the garden club. Tom says he's meeting all kinds of nice people
Gabrielle: Really? Any favourites Tom?
Tom: They're all great gals. One's sorta a pain in the ass. Other than her, having a great time!
Gabrielle: All though I keep telling Tom how dangerous gardens can be everywhere you step there are shovels and rakes and "hoes".

Lynette: Oh, wait, I got to tell you. I was having trouble with swelling so the doctor took me off the pill, so you're just gonna have to put on a condom.
Tom: A condom?
Lynette: Yeah.
Tom: What's the big deal? Let's risk it.
Lynette: Let's risk it?
Tom: Yeah.
[Lynette punches him in the face]

Tom: Wow, honey, look, this place looks spotless!
Lynette: Thanks.
Tom: Listen, I have come up with this killer idea for the Spotless Scrub campaign.
Lynette: Great! You wanna run it by me?
Tom: No. I'm good. But, thanks.
Lynette: Okay.
Tom: Well, that's the thing. You know how whenever I pitch in the boardroom at work, how Kennesey always tears my ideas down in front of the partners?
Lynette: Yeah?
Tom: I invited the partners and their wives over so I could pitch to them here. And I thought we could make a formal dinner for six. We could sit, we could...
Lynette: And when exactly would this formal dinner take place?
Tom: Uh... day after tomorrow!
Lynette: Tom!
Tom: Yeah, I know, I know, I know, I know I know it's short notice.
Lynette: You think? How am I supposed to pull off a formal dinner with no warning?
Tom: I don't know. Bree Van de Kamp does this kind of thing all the time...

Stella: [Lynette's mother shows up] Geez Lynette, I didn't know you opened a daycare center! Hey kids grandma's here.
Stella: [they all look at her strange] Okay, what'd you tell them about me?
Lynette: It's been five years mom, they don't remember you.
Stella: Well they'll remember me this time, I've brought presents. For you.
[hands Parker a book]
Stella: And for you and you.
[hands the twins books]
Parker: These are baby toys. We're too old to play with these.
Stella: Well I'm too old to remember what the hell six year olds like to play with.
Porter: We're eight.
Stella: What do I care?
Lynette: Just say thank you.
[kids say 'thank you']
Stella: [pointing to Kayla, talking to Parker] Who's the pretty thing? Your girlfriend?
Parker: [looks disgusted] No! She's my sister!
Stella: [to Lynette] Oh, is that Toms little B-a-s-t-a...
Tom: Ok kids, time to get your toys and let's play upstairs.

Tom: [Lynette is sitting at her computer] What're you doing?
Lynette: I'm just talking to Porter on Silverfizz.
Tom: Who is Sarah J from MacArthur High School?
Lynette: Me! I'm sixteen, cute, I like graphic novels and Tokyo Police Club.
Tom: Oh my God! You're pretending to be somebody else!
Lynette: Our brooding son has a classmate who got arrested for selling drugs, I really think the ends justify the means.
Tom: We'll address you major ethical breach in a moment. What did you find out?
Lynette: The good news is he really doesn't hang out with that guy, but I am a little worried about 'Anita47' who told him cherry fruit pops are an aphordesiac.
Tom: OK, you got what you came for, you know who he hangs around with, now time to stop.
Lynette: You're probably right, it's just, did you know Porter writes poetry?
Tom: Seriously?
Lynette: Yeah, our Porter, the kid who communicates with grunts and shrugs, writes this beautiful, heartwrenching poetry.

Lynette: [Preston, Porter and Lynette help a drunk Tom inside] Ok, easy easy, you're a little drunk there.
Tom: [kiss Lynette] That's cause I love you Lynette
Lynette: I love you to baby, there you go.
Tom: [turns to Porter still helping him] And I love you Preston.
Porter: I'm Porter
Tom: I never could tell you two apart, but you're my favourite
[Porter raises his eyebrows and helps Tom to sit down, takes of Tom's shows for him]
Tom: Lynette how come you let me drink so many margaritas?
Preston: Yeah and why did we have to stay to closing? It's almost 2.00
Lynette: Who cares what time it is? We were celebrating a big change in your dad's life.
Tom: WOOHOO!
Lynette: Woo! Hey someone called.
[plays the message about the mix up with the time for Tom's test, for the next day at 8.00am]
Tom: Oh cram! I gotta crap for that test1
Lynette: Oh geez...

Tom: Wait you just took a shower, where?
Lynette: At work.
Tom: Didn't know you had a shower there.
Lynette: I don't, Carlos does.
Tom: So you went into Carlos' office stripped naked and took a shower?
Lynette: No I went into Carlos' "bathroom" closed the door then stripped naked and took a shower.
Tom: I'm not comfortable with this. What if he walked in?
Lynette: Then maybe I'd get that raise I've been asking for.
Tom: This isn't funny. You already spend 16 hours a day with the guy and now I find out that some of those hours you are naked and wet!
Lynette: Hours? It was two minutes. It's not like I'm lighting candles and playing Berry White.
Tom: I don't care I want it to stop.
Lynette: Fine... I should've just had sex I'd be asleep by now.

Lynette: [Preston sees a group of kids from his and Porters school and Porter and Preston decide to take a break] Wow, wow, wow, what's going on here?
Preston: Those kids go to our school.
Porter: And you know who that big guy is? Kevin McDermitt. The guy called me Jesus for a year cause i wore sandals one day if he sees me wearing this I'll never hear the end of it.
Tom: Fine don't wear the apron that's...
Porter: No. I'm not waiting on a kid who's going to make fun of me on Monday morning. It's humiliating enough having to work here!
Tom: Humiliating?
Lynette: Guy's easy
Tom: No you're not humiliated when you use the money we make here to buy your clothes!
Lynette: Tom it's fine, I'll take the table
Tom: No no no no no no no your mother can't wait on this whole restaurant herself!
Porter: Well then you do it!
Tom: Porter I'm your father and your boss and I'm telling you right now to go take that table.
Porter: Or what your gonna fire me? go for it.
Tom: [grabs Porter by his collar and shoves him against the wall as Lynette gasps] Do you think this is a joke? This is my life!
Lynette: Tom!...
Tom: No!
[shakes Porter repeatedly]
Tom: you're worried about being embarrassed?
[shakes Porter while saying]
Tom: I've put everything I have into this restaurant!
Lynette: Alright that's enough! Let got of him! Let go of him! Let go of him!
Parker: Guys... I just set a twelve top. Who's taking it?
Tom: [sighs] ... I will...
[he walks off as everyone stares at him looking scared]

Tom: So what are you gonna do? are you gonna tell him the truth now or are you gonna wait until after he kills me and blinds himself?

[Parker is sitting outside watching Mrs. McClusky wash her door]
Tom: Here you are. What are you doing outside?
Parker: Some big kids threw eggs at Mrs. McClusky's house.
Tom: Oh, jeez, they shouldn't have done that.
Parker: We should go talk to her.
Tom: Naw, it's late, she probably doesn't want us to bother her.

Lynette: [walks in as Tom is cleaning the house] See this? My third espresso, I'm wired no way I'm falling asleep tonight.
Tom: [glares at Lynette and continues cleaning without saying a word]
Lynette: Hey. How about we throw a pizza on the front lawn and when the kids run out to get it, we lock the door and "do it" in every room in the house?

Tom: [to Kayla] I need to to talk to you about Lynette.
Kayla: I'm sorry I had to call Dr. Dolan, Daddy, but she scares me.
Tom: Yeah, you said that before, but here's the thing. They're gonna let Lynette go soon and when they do, you guys aren't going to be able to live in the same house anymore. You... you know that, right?
Kayla: So where is she gonna live? Like, in a hotel or something?
Tom: She lives here, Kayla. With me and the boys and Penny. This is her home.
Kayla: But...
Tom: But don't worry. We're gonna find a nice place to live.
Kayla: Daddy, I don't wanna go anywhere. I wanna stay here with you.
Tom: I don't have a choice, Kayla. I need to keep you safe.
Kayla: But I made it all up. I lied about everything. I burned myself.
Tom: And why would you do that, Kayla?
Kayla: I hate her, and it's so much better when it's just us.
Tom: I see. And you'll explain all this to the police and Dr. Dolan, and everybody, right?
Kayla: Yes, I promise. And then I can stay, right?
Tom: No, sweetie. No. What you did was horrible and I can't trust you anymore.
Kayla: Then I'm gonna keep lying to everybody. You don't want that, do you?
Tom: [picks up the phone from the nightstand] Did you get all that, Dr. Dolan?