50 Best Hilary Banks Quotes

Hilary: [to Will] I need to switch cars. Carlton said you had the keys.
William: Oh, yeah, here.
[hands Hilary the keys]
William: What's wrong with your car?
Hilary: I'm going shoe shopping. I need a wagon.

[Hilary and Trevor first meet]
Trevor: Wow!
Hilary: I know.
Trevor: Hi, I'm Trevor Collins, and these are my real teeth.
Hilary: Wow!
Trevor: I know.

Philip: [to Will] We want to congratuIate you for setting such a fine exampIe for the other kids.
William: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Vivian: No, baby, not at all. We are very proud of the way you've managed to baIance your schooIwork and your part-time job.
Carlton: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Philip: These bills are no joke. You kids couId stand to Iearn a thing or two from WiII.
Hilary: Are we Iike, in the Twilight Zone? When does everyone put on the pig masks?

Ashley: I'm sorry I overslept. It took me forever to get to sleep. That guard dog was barking all night.
Hilary: Can't he be like other dogs and quietly lick himself?

Hilary: [peeking around the corner with WIll] Is he in there?
Will: Nah, the coast is-
[Uncle Phil suddenly appears causing him to shriek in fright]
Will: - CLEEEEEEAR!

Hilary: They got mad at me because I made them turn the escalator back on.

Geoffrey: Miss Hilary, please, I'm still exhausted from last night.
Hilary: Last night? Please. All I asked you to do was a little yard work.
Geoffrey: I don't believe blacktopping your tennis court falls into that category.
Hilary: You are so lazy.

Hilary: Face it, you're a taker.
Carlton: Oh, I'M a taker, Miss 'Daddy, can I have five-hundred dollars?'
Hilary: Oh, right, Mister 'Hey Big Guy, how about a copy of your will in case something happens to you?'
Carlton: That's called prudent planning.
Hilary: Yeah, if your last name is Menendez.

Susan: Hilary, why're you stopping?
Hilary: I'm starting to sweat.
Susan: Hilary, do you have a problem with me?
Hilary: Look, you're a talk show host, I'm a talk show host, you don't see me skateboarding with Montel.

Philip: [to Ashley] You were perfect, he fell for it, he'll never know we're throwing him a surprise party
Hilary: We're throwing him a surprise party?

Philip: Hilary, I think there's something you need to ask yourself.
Hilary: Oh, I already did. I'm registering at Tiffany's.
Philip: No, no. Do you love Trevor?
Hilary: Love? What's love got to do with it? I'm having a wedding!

Will: Hey Hil', what's so funny?
Hilary: Oh, Carlton just told a joke.
Will: No, Hilary, Carlton is a joke.

William: [to Hilary and Carlton] It's Ashley. Look, you can't tell Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv, but she asked me to tell her about sex. I don't know what to tell her. I mean, she should hear it from somebody more experienced.
Hilary: Well, pardon me for being attractive. Look, I'm the wrong person. I mean, I tried to tell Carlton about sex and.. well, you know the rest.

Hilary: You were right, Will. Scott is the first guy since Trevor that I really liked, and I guess I just got scared. I guess I had to find something wrong with him.
Will: And that Adams Apple thing is the best you could come up with?
Hilary: Well, you know I never had a good imagination. I never even had imaginary friends when I was a kid. I used to play with Carlton's. God, they were such dweebs.

Hilary: Will, for your information, the skeleton over there is Elizabeth Hurley and the unicorn beside her is Kevin Bacon. And they both wish you'd stop *hitting* on them.
[notices Will's Superfly Costume]
Hilary: Why'd you come as Elton John?

Will: [about the house] Yo, this is better than Love Boat! This boy gonna be maxing and relaxing.
Vivian: Will, we promised your mother you were here to work hard, straighten out, and learn some good old fashion American values.
Hilary: [walks in] Daddy, I need $300. Hilary, your cousin Will is here.
Vivian: Hilary, your cousin Will is here.
Hilary: [to Will] Hi, Will.
[turns to Uncle Phil]
Hilary: Daddy, I need $300.
Phillip: That's a lot of money,
Hilary: I need a new hat.
Phillip: For what?
Will: Probably her head.
Hilary: Ok, I'm going on this Save The Ozone Layer Celebrity Bus next Saturday. We're going to take the bus all over town to protest air pollution, and then we're going to motor to the beach and have a big bonfire.
[Will raises his hand to try and talk]
Hilary: What?
Will: I'm not an expert or anything but don't you think that driving a big old bus around town and then having a bonfire sort of adding to the pollution problem?

Hilary: [Will is playing a rap song by clanging his silverware on his glass] Will! There are other people at this table.
Will: Oh, right... any requests?

Vivian: [about Hilary's purpose of going to college] We just want you to be all you can be.
Hilary: You want me to join the army?
Phillip: Let's try this again.

[on Vivian's sonogram]
Ashley: How can you tell if it's a boy or a girl?
Hilary: Oh, Ashley, you are so naive. If it's a boy, it's blue. Come on, I think it's time for another one of our woman-to-woman talks.
Ashley: [sigh] OK, what do you want to know this time?
[Hilary glares]

Hilary: Jazz and I are getting married.
Philip: Over his dead body!

William: [to Hilary] Okay, Miss Banks, you were the previous tenant in the aforementioned pool house, is that correct?
Hilary: Yes.
William: And would you please tell us of your experiences there?
Hilary: Am I under oath?
Judge: Of course.
Hilary: Well, Trevor would come over at about...
William: Objection!

Carlton: Let's start by serving our guest of honour. Mr Fellows, care for some yams?
Ned: I'd love some. Interesting. I've never had them before with this thick black crust.
Hilary: It's cajun style.
William: Hilary burned them.
Vivian: Oh, they're just burned on top, once you get underneath it... they're totally charred. How did you do that?
Ashley: Mom, give Hilary a break. You should give her some credit just for putting out the fire.

Hilary: Let's play rock paper scissors.
William: No, let's play 3 Stooges
[eye gouge fingers, Curly voice]
William: Hey Moe!

[Uncle Phil suggests going out to eat]
Hilary: Ok, but I'm not sitting between you and the dessert cart. Last time I almost lost an eye.

Hilary: I just know that someday Thelma and Louise will make it to the other end of the canyon.
[Ashley and Vivian nod in agreement]

Hilary: Just toast and coffee this morning, Geoffrey.
Will: Geoffrey's not here, Hilary.
Hilary: Can he do that?
Vivian: He was so upset, I gave him the morning off. I better go check to see how he's doing.
[Vivian leaves]
Hilary: Great, so what am I supposed to do about breakfast?
Will: Oh, here's a crazy idea, Hil. How about you get it yourself?
Hilary: Fine.
[picks up the phone]
Hilary: Bel-Air Hotel? Get me room service.

[Hilary and Trevor first meet]
Trevor: Wow!
Hilary: I know.
Trevor: Hi, I'm Trevor Collins, and these are my real teeth.
Hilary: Wow!
Trevor: I know.

Hilary: I've always wondered... since coffee is made from beans, does that make it a vegetable?

Will: His highness would like you to clean his sneakers. And you will clean them with your toothbrush. Not up and down, not side to side, but in a circular motion.
Carlton: Does he want you to clean his room?
Hilary: God, no.
Carlton: Will you clean *mine*?

Hilary: I can't go into a hospital looking like this. The place is full of doctors.
Viola: Hilary, please don't tell me you're that superficial.
Hilary: Well, it may be superficial to you, but I'm young. I can still get a husband.
Viola: Not without any teeth, you won't.

Hattie: Back home my Zeke loved our swimming hole. He'd strip down to his birthday suit and jump right in.
Will: Granny, please, it's almost dinner time.
Hattie: [laughs] He'd be in there swimming with Melvin all the time.
Philip: Uh, Mama, I don't think anybody wants to hear about Melvin.
Carlton: Au contraire, Dad, the Melvin stories are classic.
Will: So Melvin was like your best friend?
Hilary: Melvin was his pig.

Hilary: Congratulate me. It took all day, but I finally found the perfect pair of alligator pumps to wear to the Save the Everglades dinner tonight.

Philip: [after the baby is born] Hello, little Nicholas Andrew Banks.
Vivian: Honey, I thought we agreed to call him Philip.
Hilary: Ugh, that's a stupid name.

Ashley: [to Vivian and Hilary] Listen to yourselves. You're caught up in the lives of make-believe characters. I'll tell you what, Mom, I'll watch the baby, go to a museum and take Hilary with you.
Vivian: Ashley, the only reason we get involved in this kind of stuff is that real life sometimes is kind of boring.
[hears the sound of a motorcycle engine]
Vivian: What's that?
Hilary: Harley-Davidson '58 panhead.
[Ashley and Vivian look at her]
Hilary: I used to date a biker.

Hilary: I just love auctions, you hear 'going once, going twice' and no matter what the amount is, you just raise the paddle and double it!

Hilary: Daddy, for "Monte CarIo Night", you're going to be the croupier de toilette.
Philip: Great. What'll I do?
Hilary: You'll make sure that there's aIways toilet paper on the rolls.
Philip: It's great to know that all those years of Iaw schooI are finally coming in handy.

Hilary: Daddy, I need $500.
Will: Hil, you should really consider expanding your vocabulary a little.
Vivian: Hilary, honey, if it's for the barbecue we're catering this afternoon we have already paid you.
Hilary: It's not for the barbecue. I just want $500.

Hilary: Carlton told a joke.
William: No, Hilary. Carlton is a joke.

Hilary: Daddy, there's a man under my bed and I didn't tell him to hide there.

Geoffrey: I'm too ashamed to talk about it, it's better if I show you...
[puts in tape]
Will: [Will jumps up, excited] You did a porno movie?
Hilary: Eww...

Hilary: If my friends see me serving food, I'll be the Iaughingstock of BeI-Air!
William: HiIary, don't be ridicuIous. CarIton's the Iaughingstock of BeI-Air.

Hilary: Oprah, believe me, my dad is a great guy. When I lost my job and he kicked me out of the house, he let me live out back.
Oprah: He kicked you out of the house?
Carlton: Well, he didn't actually kick her out of the house. He just changed all the locks and told her she didn't live there anymore.

Geoffrey: WeII, I had a hand in raising you, Miss Hilary and if I do say so myseIf, Geoffrey don't raise no fools. Now if you Iove this job as much as I think you do, go out there, pick up a tray and enter that room as if you were the Queen of England.
Hilary: But she's so dowdy. Can I be Princess Caroline instead?

[at a seance for Trevor the table starts shaking]
Hilary: That's Trevor! I know his vibration!

Hilary: Face it, you're a taker.
Carlton: Oh, I'M a taker, Miss 'Daddy, can I have five-hundred dollars?'
Hilary: Oh, right, Mister 'Hey Big Guy, how about a copy of your will in case something happens to you?'
Carlton: That's called prudent planning.
Hilary: Yeah, if your last name is Menendez.

Ashley: Hillary, can I talk to you?
Hilary: Not now, Ashley, my show starts in 5 minutes and I want to see... wait, this is important, isn't it? I have like a 3rd sense about these things.

Vivian: So, Ed, uh, Hattie tells us that you grew up on a farm.
Ed: That's right, a horse farm.
Philip: Hmm, my daddy had a horse.
Carlton: Um, uh, Mr. Downer, what breed did you raise?
Ed: Appaloosas. They have the most beautiful spotted coats.
Philip: My dad had a spotted coat, then he had it cleaned.
Ashley: Did you have any other animals on your farm?
Ed: Oh, of course. We had chickens, cows, and a great old dog named Brownie.
Philip: My dad loved brownies. He once ate a whole pan full.
William: [to Carlton] That explains a lot.
Hilary: So what happened to your farm?
Ed: My son's there. I passed it on to him, like my dad got it from his parents.
Philip: My dad had parents. We called them Grandmom and Grandpop.
Hattie: Uh, Zeke, honey, it smells like my dessert is ready. Would you go check on it for me, please?
Ed: Mmm. Smells like sweet potato pie.
Philip: My dad liked...
Vivian: SWEET POTATO PIE!

Ashley: [Ashley and Hilary are handing out refreshments] Hilary, why doesn't anyone want my soda?
Hilary: [glancing at Ashley's chest] Because your soda's... flat!

[Geoffrey is teaching Hilary how to make toast]
Hilary: OK, so let me get this straight, once the bread is in the slots, you just push down on the lever thing?
Geoffrey: Yes.
Ashley: Hilary, can...
Hilary: Not now, Ashley, I'm learning how to cook.

Hilary: I'm sitting next to Arnold.
Ashley: I'm sitting next to Arnold.
Phillip: I don't want my tires slashed, *Geoffrey's* sitting next to Arnold.