200 Best Alfonso Ribeiro Quotes

Hattie: Back home my Zeke loved our swimming hole. He'd strip down to his birthday suit and jump right in.
Will: Granny, please, it's almost dinner time.
Hattie: [laughs] He'd be in there swimming with Melvin all the time.
Philip: Uh, Mama, I don't think anybody wants to hear about Melvin.
Carlton: Au contraire, Dad, the Melvin stories are classic.
Will: So Melvin was like your best friend?
Hilary: Melvin was his pig.

Hattie: Hilary, tomorrow we are going for a spa treatment.
Hilary: It'll be great, Grandma, you haven't lived until you've had a mud mask.
Hattie: What people don't pay for in Beverly Hills. Then Ashely, you and I are going to make some macaroni rain hats.
Carlton: Gee, Grandma, you'll need to rest after that.
Hattie: I know, you can tell me about your schoolwork then.

Carlton: Will, just face it, the better man won.
Will: Oh yeah, well the bigger badder man's about to beat the better man into oblivion!

William: [Will and Carlton fake sadness to get Geoffrey home] This is my little brother, Carlton. He knows we can't afford new clothes, so he just doesn't grow!
Carlton: [to Geoffrey] Daddy, I wanna grow!

Carlton: [to Will] Why don't you act like an adult?
William: Why don't you look like one?

Carlton: The dean from Princeton will be at school this weekend. Do you know what that means?
Will: You'll be kissing some major butt?
Carlton: Exactly.

[Will accidentally breaks William Shatner's tooth with a cuestick]
Carlton: Don't worry, Captain. We'll get you to the dentist, warp speed.
William: Get a life!

Carlton: I'm worried about my parents. I've been listening outside their bedroom.
William: Carlton, he's not hurting her.

Carlton: I guess it's ok to share my will.
Uncle: Carlton, I'm not dead yet.
Carlton: It's a cruel world big guy and you can't be in it forever.

Carlton: Who said, "It's better to die on your feet than live on your knees"?
Will: I'm guessin' that one wasn't Madonna.

Carlton: You see, what Will is trying to say is, and let me choose my words carefully...
[pause]
Carlton: You guys are stupid!
Will: Look, that is *not* what I'm trying to say!
[to Jazz and Ty]
Will: Look, it's like this, y'all. It's like, with Carlton...
[to Carlton]
Will: Carlton, who is Captain Kangaroo's friend?
Carlton: Mr. Green Jeans...
Will: How many players on a cricket team?
Carlton: Eleven...
Will: Letters not on a phone dial?
Carlton: "Q" and "Z"...
Will: Best Picture, 1936?
Carlton: The Great Ziegfeld...
Will: The third wife of Julius Caesar?
Carlton: Calpurnia...
Will: [turns back to Jazz and Ty] You see?
Tyriq: [after a long pause] Yeah, I see. You think we're stupid!
Jazz: [sarcastically towards Will] Well, I guess I better be going but I guess I'm too *stupid* to find the door!

William: [to Carlton] You should be the happiest guy in the world.
Carlton: Yeah, why?
William: Because you got out of that locker room alive. Coach Smilie was upset. You're lucky it was just a starter's pistol.

Carlton: I figured it out Will. I'm gonna get Dad what he always wanted.
William: What, a Pizza Hut in the garage?
Carlton: *Better*. I'm gonna clench the election by getting an influential person to endorse him. Watch and learn.
[picks up phone, clears throat]
Carlton: Hello, is President Bush there?
[beat]
Carlton: Carlton... . Carlton Banks.
[beat]
Carlton: It's personal.
William: [Will grabs the phone and covers over the receiver] Carlton, are you by any chance an idiot?
Carlton: [grabs the phone back] "Not available"? Perhaps you should let George know that as alternate assistant treasurer to the Bel-Air junior Republicans, I'm in a position to scratch his back if he'll scratch mine. Capisce?
[beat]
Carlton: Hello?

Carlton: Hey, I checked her coat.
Geoffrey: Really? I wonder who'll play you in the movie of her life.

Carlton: [to Will] There's a curse on me. All the good tuxes have been rented and when I put my shoes down, a Labrador came and took off with them. What else could go wrong?
William: What about that big 'ol zit on your nose?
Carlton: Aahhh!

Will: Hey, Carlton, what was Coach Kelly talking to you about?
Carlton: Oh, he likes to consult with me before making important game decisions.
Will: So what's it gonna be: regular or grape-flavored Gatorade?

[Carlton visits Phil in the hospital after he has a heart attack]
Carlton: Hey, dad. I would have come sooner but... I couldn't stand to see you like this. I mean, you're like Superman to me.
Phillip: Yeah, and cheeseburgers are my kryptonite, huh?

Carlton: Will, I'm sorry, I have to say something. Janet, your behavior tonight has been completely unacceptable.
Will: Carlton...
Carlton: Where I come from, manners count for a lot. I'm sorry I have to say this, but I simply can't sit here and allow this rudeness to continue. You owe everyone of us a sincere apology especially that poor waitress; and if you refuse, we are taking you home and continuing our evening without you. Do I make myself clear?

[last lines]
Philip: Carlton, it's late. lt's a school day tomorrow, son.
Carlton: Yeah, okay, Dad. lt was awfully nice of Mr. Furth to help us out. l'll have to write him a thank-you note.
Philip: lt shouldn't have happened in the first place, son. Good night.
Carlton: Dad... if you were a policeman and you saw a car driving two miles an hour, wouldn't you stop it?
Philip: l asked myself that question the first time l was stopped. Good night, son.
[leaves the room]
Carlton: [quietly, less confident] l would stop it.

Carlton: [returns from trick-or-treating] I made a killing, 26 Milky Ways, and the Democrats say there's a recession.
[scoffs]

Will: [to Carlton as he's waking up at the hospital after overdosing from drugs] Carlton, you're at a hospital.
Carlton: I feel terrible. I never thought losing my virginity would be this painful!
Will: Carlton, I got some bad news...
Carlton: Oh, God, I malfunctioned!
Will: No. See, you never made it past the dance floor. Those pills that you took weren't vitamins.
Carlton: What were they?
Will: Look, you gotta promise you're not gonna overreact...
Carlton: What could be worse than finding out I'm still a virgin?
Will: [about the drugs] It was Speed...
Carlton: Oh, my God. I'm a drug addict *and* a virgin!
Will: Shut up! Shut up, shut up. Now be quiet!

Carlton: Wait 'till we come downstairs in these tuxes. People may not think we're twins, but I'll bet they'll think we're brothers.
Will: You know, I don't think you'll have to worry about anybody mistaking you for a brother.

Will: Now, come on, the only way that my plan is gonna work is if you follow my instructions to the letter!
Carlton: Great! What are the instructions?
Will: "Shut The Hell Up!"

[the girl Carlton was supposed to marry leaves him at the altar]
Carlton: When she told her parents she was going to marry me, they came and got her right away.
Will: What if the kid's yours?
Carlton: He's not.
Will: Come on, Carlton. Just because the kid's cute, doesn't mean you're not the father.

Carlton: Whoa, hold on mister, you're all over the map!

[talking on the phone]
Carlton: What do you mean I didn't get the job? ...Budget problems? But I was volunteering!

Philip: [when Will and Carlton are making a dress] Son...
[sees Carlton wearing a dress]
Philip: and I use that term loosely. What's going on?
Carlton: Dad, it's not what it looks like. Will and I are making a dress.
Carlton: That's exactly what it looks like.

Hilary: I'm meeting my date. What a small world. Now get away. Hershey's Kiss should be here any minute.
Carlton: Hershey's Kiss? Oh, for crying out loud, Hillary, I'm Hershey's Kiss.
Hilary: You too? What are the odds?
Carlton: Hillary, work with me here. I'm Hershey's Kiss, you're Brown Sugar. We're here to date each other.
Hilary: What are you saying?
Carlton: I'm dating my own sister.

William: Carlton, this is the saddest sight I've ever seen. Other than your girlfriend in biker shorts.
Carlton: When did you see my girlfriend in biker shorts?
Geoffrey: Last Thursday at the tennis courts. Magnificent server.

Carlton: [about Uncle Phil's driving] Dad knows exactly what he's doing. Do you think anybody would drive by the same tree seven times on purpose?

Philip: Who's pregnant?
William: Not me.
Carlton: Me either.
Hilary: I'm going to go on a limb and make that unanimous.

Will: [when realizing that Carlton has taken the drugs from his locker] Hey, Carlton. Carlton! Carlton, listen. Something terrible has happened, man! Come on, I gotta get you to the hospital!
Carlton: [while dancing erratically on the prom stage] Why? This is the greatest night of my...
[Carlton suddenly passes out on the dance floor]
Carlton's: [screams as Carlton falls on the floor] CARLTON!
Will: [Will grabs hold of Carlton] YO! Carlton, man...

Will: His highness would like you to clean his sneakers. And you will clean them with your toothbrush. Not up and down, not side to side, but in a circular motion.
Carlton: Does he want you to clean his room?
Hilary: God, no.
Carlton: Will you clean *mine*?

Carlton: Will, how long have you been on drugs?
William: I haven't been. Someone gave them to me. I've been really stressed out with everything I have...
Carlton: Will, calm down. You're not the only person in this house that hasn't thought about it.
William: You? You don't seem like the type that would even consider drugs.
Carlton: Well, I have, but after last night, I never will again.

Carlton: [to Will] Make like a tree and leave? I never say that. It's "make like a banana and split."

Ashley: [referring to Marge] Ever since she got here my diary has gotten a lot more interesting.
Carlton: She is right, Ashley's diary has gotten a lot more interesting.

Carlton: The silverware wasn't in the basement, but I found Geoffrey's new uniform crammed behind the hot water heater.
Geoffrey: The scoundrels must have ditched it in the haste to escape!

Will: [to Carlton] You've gone over the line. You don't never call a dude's Mom.
Carlton: Oh, so, it's ok to steal a guy's girlfriend so long as you don't tell his mommy about it?
Will: No, no. This is serious. Even in ancient times, they would kill your cattle, they would burn your village and they would stone your family, but they wouldn't never tell your mother, man.

[Will confronting his former bully, Omar]
Will: Let me tell you something, man. You have kicked me off of this court for the last time.
Omar: I don't remember kicking you off the first time.
Will: You really don't remember me, huh?
Omar: No.
Will: OK, OK, OK, OK. Hey, can I see that ball, brother?
[takes a basketball from one of Omar's friends]
Will: How about a little hint?
[hits Omar in the head with the ball]
Omar: Oh, I remember you, but hey man, I'm not like that anymore.
Will: Really? You look like the same bald-headed punk.
Omar: Oh yeah, I remember you. You the chicken sandwich guy.
Will: I am not a CHICKEN! My momma made me move, man. My momma made me. I would never leave Philly! I love it here.
Omar: So do I. That's why I'm giving back to it. I stayed to help the kids in the area not make my mistakes.
Will: You sound like an after-school special or something, but that ain't gonna do nothing for my rep.
[gets into a fighting stance]
Will: Let's go right now, and I ain't taking no for an answer.
Omar: You have no choice.
[to his friends]
Omar: Let's go.
[starts walking away]
Will: [approaches the fence] Oh yeah, well, you're so stupid, you thought a quarterback was a refund. How about that? Hey, you so ugly, when you was born, the doctor just slapped both your parents. And your mom, oh my goodness! She is like a doorknob. Everybody gets a turn.
[Omar and his friends turn around]
Will: Guess the mom's the red button.
[Omar approaches Will]
Will: OK, OK, come on, let's go, let's go!
[tucks his head with his hands]
Omar: Look here, man. I know what you're trying to do, but I am not gonna hit you.
Will: [gets up] I'm gonna tell everybody you're a punk then.
Omar: Be my guest.
Will: What about your rep?
Omar: Look, you see those guys over there?
[points to his friends]
Omar: That's my rep. Brother, you need to grow up.
[leaves with his friends, as Will leaves the court and walks past a garbage can]
Carlton: Will!
[Will jumps, then sees Carlton, hiding in the can]
Carlton: Let me know when you need me.

Carlton: Let's start by serving our guest of honour. Mr Fellows, care for some yams?
Ned: I'd love some. Interesting. I've never had them before with this thick black crust.
Hilary: It's cajun style.
William: Hilary burned them.
Vivian: Oh, they're just burned on top, once you get underneath it... they're totally charred. How did you do that?
Ashley: Mom, give Hilary a break. You should give her some credit just for putting out the fire.

Vivian: [After Will proposes a Black History class] That's not a bad idea
Will: It's not?
Philip: It's not?
Carlton: [offscreen] It's not?

William: I want to have a lot of kids like six and have them all right after another.
Carlton: Will, they're babies, not malt liquor.

Carlton: [Carlton's Guardian Angel is showing him life in the Banks' household without him] What happened? And where's Mom?
Carlton's: Without you, the family was defenseless against Will. They focused more on happiness than success. Your mom ran away with the milkman, your dad quit his practice to take up painting, Ashley does nothing but dance all day long, and Hilary just does her hair. Well, maybe not *everything* changed.
Carlton: But they're not making any money. So what if they're happy? How are they going to pay for this house? Our cars? Our club memberships?
Carlton's: They're not. They're going to lose it all. Happiness has ruined them.
Carlton: I've got to save them! I've got to teach them about greed, social climbing, and how to claim your dog as a dependant!

Carlton: Why don't you act like an adult?
Will: Why don't you *look* like one?

Janice: What happened to Hilary?
Viola: Hilary Violet Banks! GET YOUR BUTT IN HERE!
Nurse: My hand!
Carlton: I'm pretty sure Mom's been here.

Phillip: Carlton, will you relax? My money makes money. We're rich!
Carlton: That's right, we are rich.
Will: If we're so rich...
[Camera pans up to reveal the studio lights]
Will: ...why we ain't go no ceiling?

Carlton: I'm a virgin.
Groom: It's nice to know someone still is.

Carlton: Now what do we do when we get caught?
Geoffrey: Laugh.

Philip: [to Will] We want to congratuIate you for setting such a fine exampIe for the other kids.
William: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Vivian: No, baby, not at all. We are very proud of the way you've managed to baIance your schooIwork and your part-time job.
Carlton: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Philip: These bills are no joke. You kids couId stand to Iearn a thing or two from WiII.
Hilary: Are we Iike, in the Twilight Zone? When does everyone put on the pig masks?

Philip: [to Will and Carlton] I wanna know what excuse you two have for pulling such a stupid stunt.
Carlton: We needed the money.
Philip: For what? And I want the truth.
William: All right, it's like this, Uncle Phil. See, Carlton got this inside tip on a stock.
Philip: Federal offense. Go on.
William: Then we pawned Aunt Viv's bracelet to get the money for the stock.
Philip: Grand larceny. Impressive.
William: Then, we lost the money, so we had to strip to get the bracelet back.
Philip: That would be indecent exposure. Is there more?
Carlton: I'm afraid so, Dad. We never got the clasp fixed on Mom's bracelet.
Philip: [starts to laugh] You never got...
[Will and Carlton laugh with him]
Philip: I don't know what to say!
[They laugh harder]
Philip: What can I do? What do you boys think I should do?
William: I don't know, reward us for our honesty?
[Will, Carlton and Philip laugh]
William: Hey, it worked for the Beav!
Philip: The Beav!
[They all laugh harder... until Philip bursts to his feet]
Philip: DO I LOOK LIKE A WHITE GUY NAMED WARD? Now you get that bracelet back and, for the next six weeks, I don't want to hear you *breathe*, or I'm calling the Feds myself!
[Philip storms out]
William: I-I guess this probably ain't the best time to tell him we ran over the mailbox.

Carlton: [when everyone starts singing] Hey! Wait a minute. You guys are drowning me out. My gift to you is a solo.
William: Carlton, you can still sing solo. So low that we can't hear you.

Carlton: Dad, don't do anything stupid! You haven't updated your will yet.

Will: Aunt Viv, I got the cake you wanted for the family reunion.
Vivian: Good!
Will: And guess what's in here?
[holds up a small case wallet]
Carlton: It's Round, Rubber and You'll never use it?
Will: Carlton, can we please keep your hand puppet out of this? Look, it's a California's driver's license.

Carlton: I'm calling Mom and Dad at the Bel-Air hotel!
[goes to the payphone]
Carlton: Do you have a quarter?
William: Nah. You have to buy something.
Carlton: Fine, I'll take a pack of gum.
William: Sorry, we' closed,

Will: You just don't get it, do you, man? I don't want your friends. All right? If I woke up one morning and I had all of your friends and I was an Alligaroo and I wore those cute shirts with the little horses on them, I'd jump off the Empire State Building and hope to catch my eyelid on a nail.
Carlton: With quips like that, it's no wonder you're the toast of the town.

Carlton: [to Ashley's friend who has a crush on him] No, Tina! I don't care if you can get in for half-price, I am not taking you to see Jungle Fever.

Carlton: [to Will] Hold your permit, mister. What makes you think her daughter is gonna opt for you when she can have me?
Will: Well, number one: 'cause I won't be saying stuff like "opt." Number two: 'cause Geoffrey still has to cut up your food.

Viola: [to Carlton] Oh, my goodness, aren't you handsome and looking less and less like your daddy every day.
Carlton: Ouch. Run for cover, Dad.
William: Where is he gonna hide at?

Simone: Carlton, slow down. I want to hear more about your collection of Sea-Monkeys.
Carlton: Will you marry me?
William: Well, there go the nerdyweds.

Carlton: [to Will] Listen, as your boss, I'm not gonna tolerate that kind of insubordination.
William: You're not my boss. You're just some butt-kissing, apple-a-day suck up that got lucky.

Vivian: Carlton Banks, you put your clothes on this minute!
Carlton: [covers himself up] Mommy!

Carlton: [to Will] What's your complaint here? We were detained for a few hours. Dad cleared things up and we were released. The system works.
Will: l hope you like that system 'cause you'll be seeing a lot of it in your lifetime.
Carlton: Not if l bring a map.
Will: You just don't get it, do you? No map is going to save you and neither is your glee club or your fancy Bel-Air address or who your daddy is. When you're driving in a nice car in a strange neighborhood none of that matters. They only see one thing.
Carlton: Maybe growing up where you did has made you a little touchy, but l think you've blown this thing out of proportion. If you look at the facts...
[Will walks away from him]

[Carlton is planning to hang out in a dangerous neighborhood to fit in with the homies]
Will: You have no idea what MacArthur Park is like. It's dangerous, man.
Carlton: Oh, Will, if there's any danger, I'll just call the park rangers.
Will: [annoyed] It's not that kind of park, Boo Boo!

Carlton: Peacocks, Were marching down the field, Peacocks, We will refuse to yield, Nobodies tougher, Cause we are rougher, We are the Peacock of ULA!!!!

Carlton: [to Bobby] I will not be an accomplice to the murder of Mickey Mouse.

Vivian: I'll go with you.
William: You will?
Philip: You will?
Carlton: You will?

Carlton: [to Will about the PSAT] I don't believe it. You couldn't have done better than me. Somewhere there's an Asian Will Smith and he's really ticked.
William: Carlton, it was one measly little percentile point, all right? But, I won't hesitate to throw it in your face if you don't leave me alone.
Carlton: Well, everyone still knows I have the superior intellect.
[sprays kitchen window]
William: Then, why are you using car wax on the window?
[mockingly]
William: This a window, this is Windex. Can you say that, IittIe boy?

Will: Oh my God, Carlton! What's that hideous thing growing out of your neck?
Carlton: Where? Where?
Will: Ah, never mind. It's just your head.

Carlton: [to Phillip] Say, big guy...
Philip: Carlton, am I a good father?
Carlton: Are you kidding? You're the best.
Philip: Oh, thank you, son.
Carlton: Can I have access to my trust fund?
Philip: Not a chance.
Carlton: I hate you!
[storms off]
Philip: Oh, yeah? Well, take a number!

Vivian: So, Ed, uh, Hattie tells us that you grew up on a farm.
Ed: That's right, a horse farm.
Philip: Hmm, my daddy had a horse.
Carlton: Um, uh, Mr. Downer, what breed did you raise?
Ed: Appaloosas. They have the most beautiful spotted coats.
Philip: My dad had a spotted coat, then he had it cleaned.
Ashley: Did you have any other animals on your farm?
Ed: Oh, of course. We had chickens, cows, and a great old dog named Brownie.
Philip: My dad loved brownies. He once ate a whole pan full.
William: [to Carlton] That explains a lot.
Hilary: So what happened to your farm?
Ed: My son's there. I passed it on to him, like my dad got it from his parents.
Philip: My dad had parents. We called them Grandmom and Grandpop.
Hattie: Uh, Zeke, honey, it smells like my dessert is ready. Would you go check on it for me, please?
Ed: Mmm. Smells like sweet potato pie.
Philip: My dad liked...
Vivian: SWEET POTATO PIE!

Woman at Ladies' Club: [after Carlton really gets into a strip dance for a frenzied crowd] TAKE IT OFF!
Vivian: PUT IT ON! Carlton Banks, you put your clothes on this minute!
Carlton: Mommy!

Carlton: [to Philip] You started coming to my games only after Will joined the team.
Philip: I wanted to support Will.
Carlton: But you wouldn't come when it was just me.
Philip: Carlton, I'd like to come to everything you do. I always come to your tennis matches, to your glee club concerts, to your debate matches. Frankly, keeping up with your extracurricular activities is a 24-hour a day job.

Carlton: I'm telling you, Dad. That hex is gonna pick us off one by one, and we'll all end up on Unsolved Mysteries.

Kenny: [to Ashley] Baby, I'm telling you, you got more moves than a bowl of Jell-O and there's always room for Jell-O.
Ashley: Wow!
William: Dude sounds like a jackass.
Ashley: So, when are we going out?
Kenny: Oh, I don't know, baby. You have to let me check my book and I'll get back to you. You see, I wanna make sure I can give you my undivided attention.
Carlton: Actually, Will. He's better than you.
Kenny: I mean, look at you, you got it going on. You got sweet hips, lips, and fingertips...
[sees another girl]
Kenny: , but baby got back!
[to Ashley]
Kenny: Bye, baby.
[while chasing after the girl]
Kenny: Whoa, whoa! Wait a minute!
Carlton: [to Will] Look, I know my sister needs me, but that girl is babe-a-licious!
[runs off as well]

Carlton: I'm sick of being such a big loser.
Will: [faking sympathy] Aw, C - you're not big.

Carlton: Will, you must change.
Will: Carlton, you must grow.

Carlton: I thought Ashley was in bed.
William: Yeah, and you also thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

Carlton: I bet five on black and five on red.
William: Carlton that cancels the bet, you can't win.
Carlton: Maybe so but I can't lose either.
William: Unless it's...
[roulette wheels hits 00]

Will: Hey, Carlton, you will never guess who we got on the show for tomorrow.
Carlton: So there's no sense of me playing, is there?

Will: [to Carlton during their road trip] Look, man, I gotta go to the bathroom.
Carlton: I'm sorry, but the next bathroom break isn't scheduled for another 33 minutes.
Will: That may be so, but whether you stop or not, I'm going in one minute.

Carlton: I don't wanna die! I wanna go to college and poke fun at all the kids on financial aid!

Carlton: My they're pumping a lot of oxygen into this room!

Carlton: We're going to appeal this decision. I intend to cite the landmark case of "Rhode Island v. Schechter Poultry."
Philip: That has to do with the right to hang dead chickens in a butcher-shop window.

Vivian: [When Carlton comes home from the airport all beaten up] Carlton, honey, what happened?
Carlton: Will told everyone at the airport I was Bryant Gumbel.
Will: I thought I'd get my luggage faster.
Vivian: You poor baby, what did they do? Mob you for autographs?
Carlton: No, five old ladies attacked me for being mean to Willard.

Janet: I need more ice.
Carlton: You need more ice, *what*?
Janet: I need more ice in my warm soda.
Carlton: [corrects Janet] You need more ice, *please*.
Janet: What did you say to me?
Waitress: He said, you need more ice, *please*.

Carlton: Every time I have a big date, I get a big pimple.
William: Well, judging by the size of that thing, you must be going out with Nell Carter.

Carlton: Well don't blame yourself, big guy. Blame Will. He should have told you when Luther stole his baseball.
Philip: What baseball?
William: [in Hispanic accent] What baseball? Well, baseball game where man with stick hit ball and run. Sorta like this.
[tries to run past Uncle Phil but he manages to grab Will]
Philip: Hold it! You mean to tell me that Luther stole your Willie Mays and you didn't tell me about it?

William: Aahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Carlton: Oh, God. What happened?
William: We've been robbed.
Hilary: Oh, my God. What did they take?

Carlton: Oh my God, it's Tom Jones! What are you doing here?
Carlton's: Well, I'm your Guardian Angel.
Carlton: No offense, Tom, but I always thought my Guardian Angel would be black.
Carlton's: Well, I knew Otis Redding.

Will: [when realizing that Carlton has taken the drugs from his locker] Hey, Carlton. Carlton! Carlton, listen. Something terrible has happened, man! Come on, I gotta get you to the hospital!
Carlton: [while dancing erratically on the prom stage] Why? This is the greatest night of my...
[Carlton suddenly passes out on the dance floor]
Carlton's: [screams as Carlton falls on the floor] CARLTON!
Will: [Will grabs hold of Carlton] YO! Carlton, man...

Carlton: [On the phone, at Ashley's school] arlton Banks here. Oh, yes. The job, of course. Uh-huh. Yes. Huh? But I don't understand. You can't give a guy the wink and the gun and then not give him a job. Buck up? Buck off!

Vivian: Carlton, take out the garbage.
Carlton: I did it last week. It's the Terminator's turn.

Carlton: [to Joann] Can I kiss you good night?
Joann: Yes... tomorrow morning.
Carlton: What time should I come back and...
[he is pulled into the hotel room]

Word: Yeah, you remember Omar Phelps?
Carlton: Who's Omar Phelps?
Will: That's the dude who would be spinning me over his head in the opening credits.

Carlton: You're the man, Will. You're the man. I'm just the man behind the man.
Will: Uh, what're you doin' back there?

Carlton: Hilary, as a loyal Republican and a staunch bush man, I'm warning you, don't do this.
William: Oh, come on, Carlton, you're not a bush man. You're more like a pygmy.

Carlton: Aha! I go to check on my little brother and what do I find? A zucchini! A zucchini, Will!

Carlton: [to Will about the SCU statue] Hey, what's that bucking Mustang doing here?
Will: Just a little payback to them SCU fools for that stunt they pulled yesterday. And you said I didn't have no school spirit.
Carlton: You must return it.
Will: Carlton, we're just having a little fun, man. I know how much you hate that, baby.

Carlton: [speaks into his tape recorder] Carlton's log. My cousin has finally lost his nerves. I, on the other hand, have the strength of a thousand men.
William: Will's log
[pulls tree branch off the ground]
William: is about to connect with Carlton's head!

Will: [to the nurse about Carlton] Does he look like a drug addict?
Nurse: Do I?
Will: Can we stick to the subject, please?
Nurse: [to Carlton] Listen, sweetie, the first time I came to this hospital, it was on a stretcher. I've been from Yale to jail and from Park Avenue to park bench, but now I'm clean and sober.
Carlton: That's really touching but do you think you can get me a nurse without a record?
Nurse: [to Will] I like him. Try and help him to stick around

Carlton: [Carlton puts on toupee on Philip's head] So, Dad, what do you think?
Phillip: I look like Little Richard: Attorney at Law.
Geoffrey: Dinner is served.
[sees Philip with the toupee on]
Geoffrey: A-Wop-Bop-Aloobop-A-Wop-Bam-Boom.

Carlton: How dare you not take Will. He's full of potential!
Top: That's why we want him. It's you we don't want.
Carlton: Me? But I did everything! I cooked, I cleaned, I hand-washed your toilets...
Top: Everything your butler does for you. I'm not accepting no prep school, Bel-Air bred sellout into my fraternity.
Will: [stepping forward] Homie, you can stop all that...
Carlton: No, wait, Will. I got this one.
[turns back to Top Dog]
Carlton: You think I'm a sellout, why? Because I live in a big house or I dress a certain way? Or maybe it's because I like Barry Manilow.
Will: [to the crowd] Uh, he meant Barry White, y'all.
Carlton: Being black isn't what I'm trying to be, it's what I am. I'm running the same race and jumping the same hurdles you are, so why are you tripping me up? You said we need to stick together, but you don't even know what that means. If you ask me, you're the real sellout.

Carlton: Hi, Steffi, what are you doing here?
Steffi: I heard the party and I came to see if Ashley was home.
Carlton: Well, she's away at her Aunt Helen's. Now, run along. I don't think you're age-appropriate for this party.
[puts on a duck floatie]
Carlton: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going swimming.

Will: Aunt Viv, I got the cake you wanted for the family reunion.
Vivian: Good!
Will: And guess what's in here?
[holds up a small case wallet]
Carlton: It's round, it's rubber and you'll never use it!

William: [about Ashley] Look, well, somebody has to tell her. I mean, she won't do anything stupid if she has some good solid facts.
Carlton: Wrong, my hot-blooded cousin. If you tell her about sex, she's just gonna run out and do it.
Hilary: Oh, that's ridiculous, Carlton. We want to expose her to a realistic portrayal of relationships. I know. We'll rent "Pretty Woman."

Vivian: You know, Will, for all you walk around here saying 'I wish people would let me act like I want to act', you're always giving Carlton a hard time about acting like he wants to.
Carlton: That's the point I was trying to make, Mom.
Vivian: That's no excuse.
Carlton: Dad, I know it may not make sense, but I had to prove that I had the courage to make it there.
Phillip: That's not courage. Courage is being yourself no matter what *anybody* else thinks. So your cousin makes fun of you, you think that means you have to go along with a stupid bet? Will makes fun of me all the time, you don't see me going, 'yo yo yo, homie, yo!'
Carlton: There's no "Yo" on the end of it. I'm pretty sure of it.

William: Hey, man, where you goin'?
Philip: I'm gonna go ask Ashley if she knows where Randy went.
William: Oh, man, you not gonna just go up there and wake her up, are you? I mean, she could already have morning breath.
Philip: [Will is holding his hand] Will, please.
[Will puts his hand down]
Philip: Randy's father has a very serious problem. If Ashley did something like that, I'd throttle her.
[Phil starts walking up the stairs]
William: Now, throttling isn't anything like killing, is it?
Hilary: [reading from a dictionary] Not exactly, the second definition of throttle is to strangle, choke. Killing is the result of throttling.
Carlton: Either way, I think we're about to see a demonstration.

Bobby: [about the family sleeping arrangements] I wanna sleep with Carlton.
Carlton: I always dreamt when I heard those words, it would be Paula Abdul saying them.

Carlton: [when Carlton has a zit on his face] Look at my face!
William: Oh, please, man! We eatin' here!

Philip: [to Carlton] I don't want you to move out.
Carlton: Sorry, Dad, I have to go.
Philip: No, you don't.
Carlton: Will says I do. He said it's time for me to leave the nest, become independent, and have sex with girls. Safe sex, mind you, but lots of it.

Carlton: Look, don't you see, Will? We've got these people by the textbooks. We can charge and pretty much do whatever we want.
William: This is like sex to you, isn't it?
Carlton: Yes.

Carlton: Will, I've never judged you, but you always act like you carry around some measure of blackness that I don't live up to.
Will: Wait a minute, you never judged me? You do everything except carry around a big 'ol gavel. You act like I'm an idiot just because I talk different.

Carlton: I'm going as Macaulay Culkin, he's my idol, you know why?
William: Cuz y'all the same height?

Sandra: How about you, Carlton? Some ice cream?
[seductively]
Sandra: I have the smooth, creamy, chocolate kind...
Carlton: [oblivious] I'm a tuttie-fruity man, myself.

Carlton: [sick with a cold, walks in the kitchen and sees Will and Ashley] Very funny you guys, why don't you stop spinning around?

William: I'm gonna be the star of this class.
Carlton: No, you're not. I am.
William: You tripping, how you figure that?
Carlton: Because the teacher's my mummy.

Carlton: [to Ms. Rinkoff] Shall we step into your office and talk about asbestos?
Ms. Rinkoff: Asbestos, huh? Last I heard, it was called knocking boots.

Carlton: [after surviving the night in a cave] Dad, wake up! We made it!
Philip: [while asleep] Vivian, Vivian, I'm not a machine!

Carlton: Is the great Will Smith admitting he's wrong?
Will: Well there's a first time for everything... but I guess you knew that.

Will: [while on the news] Yeah, we done it. Word to Big Bird. We fIicked eight Benzitos, 15 Jags, and a Maserati! But I didn't Iike the uphoIstery so I took it back, Jack!
Newscaster: [to Carlton] Do you have anything to say?
Carlton: [in a whiny voice] Dad!

Carlton: I don't like the cut of that boy's jib.
Will: Carlton, I don't think you should be LOOKING at that boy's jib.

Philip: My God, is that Will?
Vivian: [sarcastically] No, Phil, it's Richard Nixon in a Will mask.
Carlton: No, Mom, I think that's really Will.

Philip: [to Will and Carlton] How dare you two defy me?
Carlton: Now, see here, big guy!
[Uncle Phil pokes Carlton's duck tube causing it to pop]
Carlton: Oh, my God! Howard!
[runs away and starts crying]

Carlton: Oh, my God! My head! I look like a snowcone! What happened?

Carlton: Wow! She's cool, she's hot, she's...
William: Your baby sister, man!
Carlton: [screams]

Phillip: Carlton, you don't have to do anything.
Carlton: Will says I do. He says it's time for me to leave the nest and start having sex with girls. Safe sex, mind you, but lots of it!

Will: Yo, Carlton.
Carlton: Yeah?
Will: Those cops were just doing their jobs?
Carlton: Will, don't get all bent out of shape.
Will: Man, you ain't learn nothing this weekend, did you?
Carlton: I most certainly did. Always bring a map.
Will: What?
Carlton: If we would have a map, we wouldn't have had to drive two miles an hour trying to find a freeway entrance and we wouldn't have been stopped.
Will: Oh, ok, ok. I get it now. We were stopped because we were driving too slow. Yeah, we were breaking the slowness limit. Oh, ok, well you see, I've never heard of that law before, but I did hear this other law. It's called the "if you see a black guy driving anything but a burnt-out Pinto, you better stop him because he stole it" law. Yeah, I've heard that one. Oh, but see, I thought it was the black guy law when in actuality, it was the slowness limit law. Oh, thank you for sharing that with me, Carlton. Good night.

Will: [to Carlton as he's waking up at the hospital after overdosing from drugs] Carlton, you're at a hospital.
Carlton: I feel terrible. The last thing I remember is doing the running man to 'I Will Always Love You'. I never thought losing my virginity would be this painful!
Will: Carlton, I got some bad news...
Carlton: Oh, God, I malfunctioned!
Will: No. See, you never made it past the dance floor. Those pills that you took weren't vitamins.
Carlton: What were they?
Will: Look, you gotta promise you're not gonna overreact...
Carlton: What could be worse than finding out I'm still a virgin?
Will: [about the drugs] It was Speed...
Carlton: Oh, my God. I'm a drug addict *and* a virgin!
Will: Shut up! Shut up, shut up. Now be quiet!

Will: Aroomph!
Jazz,188784: Aroomph!
[Carlton tries to join in]
Carlton: Aroomph!
[awkward silence]

Carlton: [Whispering to Will who has been out getting their stolen stuff back] This is Jacqueline
William: [Also whispering] This is the TV

Hattie: I have a lot of stories I can tell you about my Zeke.
Will: Hold up... are any of them, humiliating?
Carlton: The best ones always are.

[Will is teaching Ashley how to fight]
Carlton: What the heck is going on here?
Will: Hey, sorry, man, homegirl said she was a Vanilla Ice fan, I kinda lost my head.
Carlton: You expect me to believe that? Everybody likes Vanilla Ice.

Carlton: I'm going to drive Jackie home, hand over your car keys.
William: Okay.
[gives Carlton a key, Carlton leaves]
William: Have fun driving my gym locker! Ha ha!

Carlton: That girl wanted me, Aunt Janice.
Janice: Carlton, when a woman says, "Drop dead, troll", it usually means she's not interested.

William: Man, you don't know how lucky you are. You can be with your father whenever you want. You can eat with him and argue with him; he's there for you. You know where my father is?
Carlton: [meekly] No.
William: Neither do I.
Carlton: Look, I don't wanna see my father with tubes up his nose, okay?
William: Carlton, there's gonna come a time when all he has is tubes up his nose.
Carlton: Not my father!
William: Everybody's father! Except mine, cause I don't know where the hell he is!
Carlton: You don't understand, Will.
William: Yes, I do. You're selfish.
[he walks away disappointed]

Carlton: [to the baby] Here comes Mr. Ducky! Doesn't he quack you up?
[the baby throws the toy]
Carlton: Wow, if I could make a throw like that, they wouldn't have made me play on the girls' team.

Carlton: [singing] Deck the slopes with babes in tight pants: Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Carlton's gonna get some romance: Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
William: [singing] No, you're not 'cause you're too ugly: Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. They'll all be in my room, cute and snuggly: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

[while unconscious, Will dreams about Carlton and himself being old and fighting]
William: I ought to knock your teeth out.
Carlton: Go ahead; they're on a glass next to my bed.

[Vivian once again rings the bell, annoying everyone]
Philip: Stop with the damn bell!

Philip: [to Will about his beeper] Get rid of that thing.
Will: Come on, Uncle Phil, what's wrong? Do you think everybody's gonna think I'm a drug dealer? Why wouldn't they think I'm a doctor?
Carlton: [takes Will's hat off, showing off his hair] 'Cause everyone knows Buckwheat never went to medical school.

Carlton: Will, have you seen Dad anywhere around?
William: [looks around for Uncle Phil and spots him] Well, that's either him or a rhino that got his horn chopped off.

Hilary: Face it, you're a taker.
Carlton: Oh, I'M a taker, Miss 'Daddy, can I have five-hundred dollars?'
Hilary: Oh, right, Mister 'Hey Big Guy, how about a copy of your will in case something happens to you?'
Carlton: That's called prudent planning.
Hilary: Yeah, if your last name is Menendez.

Will: Okay, Uncle Phil, the other night when I dropped off Wendy, I ran into Janice. She wanted to talk about the quake, so I went into her room. Then she said she wanted to slip into something more comfortable. Then we was talking and she showed me some pictures of San, San... .something and before I knew it... Tadow!
Philip: Tadow?
Will: Taaa-DOW!
Philip: Taaa-d... oh, OOOH! YOU SLEPT WITH JANICE!
[Everyone outside reacts with shock]
Ashley: [imitating Philip] Ashley, go to your room!
Carlton: Oh, I love this!
Ashley: [still imitating Philip] And take Carlton with you!
Carlton: Hey, I'm not going anywhere!
Philip: You heard what I said!

William: [Will comes into the kitchen towelling off] Man, I thought a dip in the pool would cool me off. I'm *blazing* about what Uncle Phil said to me.
Geoffrey: I'm sure when he called you a Sophomoric cretin, it was figure of speech.
William: No, that didn't bother me. It's when he said I was just Iike CarIton.
Geoffrey: Yes, I can understand your concern. Sandwich?
William: Yeah, sure. See, now, Iook, I know where I come from, man. I mean, I'm coming straight out of PhiIIy, man, and I'm proud of that. CouId you put that on a croissant for me?
Geoffrey: CertainIy. You know, Master WiIIiam, we aII change.
William: Hey, Iook, man, I haven't changed, I'm not gonna change and I'm not down with this bougie stuff.
Geoffrey: Swiss?
William: No, GorgonzoIa. Hey, man, I'm teIIing you, if there is one dude in the worId that's the totaI opposite of CarIton,
[hits his chest]
William: it's this guy standing right here, man. Hey, thanks a Iot, G. Yo, man, how you gonna pIay a brother on the Grey Poupon?
Carlton: [comes into the kitchen] Geoffrey, I'm famished. Can you make me a gargonzola sandwich on a croissant for me? Heavy on the Grey Poupon.
William: Uncle Phil is right! I'm turning into Carlton, man. Yo, that's it man. No more of these sissy sandwiches, no more preppy parties, and no more hittin' Uncle Phil for handouts, and you know what? You see this check?
[tears up the check Uncle Phil gave him]
William: Now you see it, now you don't! The Funky Fresh is back in the flesh with a vengence, homes!
[Geoffrey walks away with the sandwich made for Will, but Will stops him]
William: I'm gonna eat that though. I'm just not gonna enjoy it.

Carlton: [about his date] I'm not bringing her anywhere near you.
William: I'm your cousin.
Carlton: The cousin that stole every woman I ever had.
William: Oh, please. I stole one girl.
Carlton: My point exactly.

Geoffrey: It's called inside information and it's quite illegal.
Carlton: So is that French nanny you're dating.
Geoffrey: ...Enough said.

Carlton: [to Will] Well, I'm all ready for Monte CarIo night. I've read this book cover to cover. Ask me about any odd combination.
William: Okay, why is MichaeI Jackson hanging with that IittIe boy from "Home Alone"?

Vivian: [when Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv are in Geoffrey's room] He's not here, Phillip. Let's go.
Philip: Vivian, do you really want Hilary to find out she was conceived during a Sly Stone concert?
[they search the room. Uncle Phil sits on the bed and everyone under it cries out]
Philip: All right. Everybody out.
[everyone gets out from under the bed]
Vivian: What are you doing here?
William: What are YOU doing here? And I hope those concert tickets weren't front row.
Hilary: Is that why you always play "Hot Fun in the Summertime" on my birthday?
Carlton: And where was I conceived?
William: Probably at a white sale.

William: I ain't down with that oId country cIub stuff sitting around all night discussing mayonnaise with four white guys named Biff.
Carlton: Isn't Biff a riot?

William: [to Carlton] You know that model in all them Hugo Boss ads?
Carlton: Yeah?
William: You don't look nothing like him.

Geoffrey: [to Will and Carlton] Ahh, my financial advisors have arrived. Moron! Fat head!
Carlton: I didn't know the Dodgers were playing.
Geoffrey: They're not.

Carlton: [after being scolded by Will for being selfish] You know what your problem is?
Will: No, I don't...
Carlton: You're a slacker. You say you want things but you're never willing to work for it! You never make the sacrifice. You think you're just gonna charm your way through; just like your father!
Will: [pause] Let me tell you something. I am *nothing* like my father, all right?

Hilary: Oprah, believe me, my dad is a great guy. When I lost my job and he kicked me out of the house, he let me live out back.
Oprah: He kicked you out of the house?
Carlton: Well, he didn't actually kick her out of the house. He just changed all the locks and told her she didn't live there anymore.

Vivian: Hilary, you are not to have men in the pool house.
Carlton: I hate to tell tales out of school, but Trevor keeps a makeup case there.
Hilary: That's a lie!
Carlton: Is not!
Hilary: Stand on a chair and say that to my face!

Geoffrey: [handing Carlton a big brown bag] Master Carlton, I have to take this tray up to your mother, so on your way out, would you mind taking out the garbage?
Carlton: Do I look like Roc?
Will: [sitting at the kitchen table] I don't know, Carlton. Maybe if you shaved your head bald and sanded down the square part.
Carlton: [ignores Will and hands Ashley the bag] Ashley, you take out the garbage!
Ashley: Why me?
Carlton: Because I'm bigger than you.
Will: See, that's not fair. That's only 'cause you got them shoe lifts in today.
Carlton: They're not lifts. I doubled up on my Odor-Eaters.
Ashley: [Carlton walks out of the kitchen while Ashley is holding the trash bag; Hilary walks into the kitchen and Ashley hands her the bag] Here, Hilary, you take it out!
Hilary: Out where?
Ashley: To the trash cans! You know, those things you hit every time you back out the car?
Hilary: Oh, thank God. I thought it was the neighbor's kids!
[Hilary takes the brown garbage bag from Ashley]
Hilary: THIS IS GROSS! I don't touch greasy, disgusting things!
Will: Well, just pretend it's buying you dinner afterwards.
Hilary: [Hilary walks up to Will and shoves the trash bag to him] You take it!
Will: Yo, girl!
Hilary: And for your information, dinner comes first!
[Hilary walks out of the kitchen]
Will: Oh, it's like that, right? You're just gonna slam garbage at me!
[Uncle Phil walks in the room]
Phillip: Good morning, Will.
Will: Good morning, Uncle Phil.
[Will hands Phil the dirty garbage bag]
Will: Here's your lunch!
Phillip: [Phil takes the bag and walk out of the house] Thank you!

Carlton: Oh Will, have you no shame?
William: Of course, I'm ashamed of you.

Carlton: Remember, "we must never negotiate out of fear and we must never fear to negotiate" - John F. Kennedy.
Will: But, never forget, "mama said knock you out" - LL Cool J.

Carlton: [to Will] I have compiled a special melody of songs. Give a listen:
[sings]
Carlton: Ebony and ivory, live together in perfect harmony, because the world is black, the world is white, it turns by day and then by night, since she's got jungle fever, he's got jungle fever, they've got jungle fever, we're in love!
[stops singing]
Carlton: What do you think?
William: I think you were deprived of oxygen at birth.

Carlton: This is so unfair. What about our date?
William: I don't know. I was up all night trying to learn French for, "Forget my cousin, you can both have me."

Carlton: [to Will] What do you say to an Oreo?
Will: l say, ''What's up, Carlton?'

Will: Hey, Carlton. Do you realize that they're working you harder than everybody else?
Carlton: Nonsense. Everyone had to help re-tar the parking lot.
Will: Yeah, but the rest of us got to wear shoes.

Carlton: Granted, we are desperate for money, but maybe you should stop and think about the kind of life you'd be leading.
William: Yeah, you're right. Dancing around in some cheap club while women put dollars down my underpants. I love this country!

Carlton: Hey, G, would you make me a sandwich?
Geoffrey: But, of course.
Geoffrey: [places a slice of bread on Carlton's head] Now you're a sandwich.

Carlton: Will, if I were you, I'd be preparing for the PSATs.
Will: Carlton, if I were you, I'd get a red nose and some big shoes and call it a day.

Carlton: [while in the hospital] Can't I get moved to another room? I have a reputation to maintain. What about when I go into political office?
Nurse: I'll tell you the same thing I told the last guy who asked me that. Just tell them you didn't inhale.

Carlton: It's pointless for Dad to get this extra life insurance. He'll probably outlive all of us.
William: Only if he eats us first.

Will: Carlton, I misjudged you. You're a lot cooler than I thought. Hey, you wanna go to the club with us tonight?
Carlton: I don't have a date.
Will: Carlton, never bring a sandwich to a buffet.

Carlton: Michelle, we're in luck. My mom's away for the weekend, our butler's off duty and my dad will be leaving for the office at any minute. And l just took a multivitamin.

William: Hey, hey, hey. What up, dog?
Carlton: Dog? Will, this is a place of business, not a kennel.

William: [sneezes]
Carlton: Okay, Will, I'm onto you.
William: Look, Carlton, man. I have no idea what you are talking about.
Carlton: I'm not stupid, Will. It's all coming together. The runny nose, the watery eyes. You just couldn't keep your hands to yourself.
William: Look, look, Carlton. Now, I know you are sick, probably a little delirious now. You probably had one too many of those children's aspirin or something.
Carlton: That piece was mine.
William: You ain't get to get all nasty.
Carlton: You shouldn't have done it, Will.
William: I know, I know, Carlton. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken Paula out. You're right, man. She was coming onto me. I just couldn't resist, man.
Carlton: Paula? I was talking about that last piece of cheesecake.
William: [looks around and starts stammering] Uh, so was I. See, you ain't hip to it. See in Philly, we name our food, right? Like cheesecake is Paula and uh, a Snack Pack is Boomsheeka.
[looks toward the camera and speaks into it]
William: I can't see him, you can. Is he buying it?
Carlton: [folds his arms and sneers at Will]

Carlton: [after discovering Will's father unexpectedly] So is he a cop?
William: He's my father.

Carlton: Look, Will, I'm desperate. Take off your pants.
Will: I think you're taking this jail thing just a little too far, buddy.

Carlton: Well, what do you want me to do? Go up to Luther and say, "Hey, mister. Can I have my baseball back? And please don't snap my neck like a twig."

Hilary: Face it, you're a taker.
Carlton: Oh, I'M a taker, Miss 'Daddy, can I have five-hundred dollars?'
Hilary: Oh, right, Mister 'Hey Big Guy, how about a copy of your will in case something happens to you?'
Carlton: That's called prudent planning.
Hilary: Yeah, if your last name is Menendez.

Top: [to the pledges] I hope you like your new uniforms. You will be wearing them for a week.
Carlton: Excuse me, Mr. Top Dog, sir?
Top: Pledge Banks, you only speak when you are spoken to. Well, are you speaking to me now or are you?
Carlton: I'm sorry, but I think everyone here will agree that wearing the same thing for a week is not good hygiene, right, fellas?
Top: So Pledge Banks likes to wash clothes.
Carlton: Actually, my butler handles the laundry.
Top: Your butler?
Carlton: Yes, Geoffrey. He's a whiz with my fine washables.
Top: Pledge Banks, where are you from?
Carlton: Bel-Air. South Central Bel-Air. I live right across the street from the Aaron Spelling mansion. You know, the producer of "Beverly Hills, 90210"?
Top: I don't watch it.
Carlton: You don't know what you're missing. Dylan's on the verge of getting back with Brenda.

Carlton: Well, someone has her rude hat on tonight.

Carlton: My life is over. I'll be expelled. They'll send me away. I'll have to get a jheri curl and a tattoo! I'll be subjected to overcrowding, bad food, and daily threats of personal violence.
William: They won't send you to prison for cheating on a test.
Carlton: I'm not talking about prison. I'm talking about public school!

Carlton: I did it.
Will: You mean you and Joann...
[Ashley walks in the room]
Will: made the deal?
Ashley: What are you talking about?
Will: Business, Ash. Have some breakfast.
[to Carlton]
Will: So, who put the offer on the table?
Carlton: She did, and the terms were so attractive I jumped on at it right away, and don't worry... I protected my investment.
[Will and Carlton run out of the room laughing as Hilary walks in]
Hilary: What was that about?
Ashley: Carlton lost his virginity.

Jameson: [Jameson is superstisious and thinks Will is a good luck charm. His horoscope says to stay away from leos] My lucky numbers have always been 3 and 7. Will, when is your birthday?
Will: July 3rd.
Jameson: What year?
Will: 1973.
Jameson: So you were born on 7-3-73? My lucky numbers!
Phillip: Jameson, its just a coincidence.
Jameson: Coincidence? I don't think so.
Carlton: I was born August 4th, 1974.
Jameson: [Jumps back] A leo?

Carlton: Geoffrey, could you get us some breakfast?
Geoffrey: I'm not allowed to serve you anymore. Mr. Banks' orders.
William: G, listen, how upset was Uncle Phil last night?
Geoffrey: Well, he did something I've never seen him do in all the years I've been here.
William: What, a sit-up?
Geoffrey: It's a bit more serious than that, I'm afraid. You know the cherry cheesecake, candied yams barbecued ribs left over from yesterday?
Carlton: Yeah?
William: [Geoffrey opens up the fridge] Oh, my goodness, it's still there!

William: [to Hilary] Okay, Miss Banks, you were the previous tenant in the aforementioned pool house, is that correct?
Hilary: Yes.
William: And would you please tell us of your experiences there?
Hilary: Am I under oath?
Judge: Of course.
Hilary: Well, Trevor would come over at about...
William: Objection!

Will: You all trying to play me like that, right?
[to Carlton]
Will: What if he told you that you couldn't wear plaid anymore?
Carlton: Don't joke about that, Will.
Will: [to Hilary] What if he told you that you couldn't entertain men in the Jacuzzi anymore?
Vivian: When did you have a man in the Jacuzzi?
Hilary: This isn't about me. It's about Will.

Carlton: [everyone has discovered Vi and Fred in bed] What's this a pyjama party? Skooch over!

Carlton: If it looks like a duck, smells like a duck, and acts like a duck, what is it?
William: Your prom date.

Will: Hey Carlton. Those cops were just trying to do their jobs?
Carlton: Will, don't get all bent out of shape.
Will: Man you ain't learned nothing this weekend did you?
Carlton: I most certainly did. Always bring a map.
Will: What?
Carlton: Will if we had brought a map, we wouldn't have had to drive 2 miles an hour trying to find a freeway entrance. And we wouldn't have been stopped.
Will: Oh ok I get it now. So we were stopped because we were driving too slow. We were breaking the slowness limit. Ohh see I ever heard of that law Carlton, but I did hear about this one. It's called the "if you see a black guy driving anything but a burnt out pinto, you better stop him because he stole it" law. Yeah I heard about that one, but see I thought it was the black guy law but in actuality we were breaking the slowness limit law. Oh, thank you for sharing with me Carlton. Good night.
Carlton: They were just doing their jobs.
Will: Good night Carlton.
Carlton: What is your complaint here? We were detained for a few hours, dad cleared things up and we were released. The system works.
Will: Well I hope you like that system because you're going to be seeing a lot of it in your lifetime.
Carlton: Not if I bring a map.
Will: You just don't get it do you? No map is gonna save you. Or neither is your glee club, or your fancy bel-air address or who your daddy is. Because when you're driving a nice car in a strange neighborhood, none of that matters! They only see one thing... ..
Carlton: Well maybe growing up where you did has made you a little touchy. Will you're blowing this way out of proportion. If you look at the facts... ..
Phillip: Carlton? It's late. School day tomorrow son.
Carlton: Yeah yeah ok dad. You know? It was awfully nice of Mr. Firth to help us out. I'll have to write him a thank you note.
Phillip: Shouldn't have happened in the first place.
Carlton: Hey dad if you were a policeman and you saw a car driving 2 miles an hour, wouldn't you stop it?
Phillip: I asked myself that same question the first time I was stopped. Good night.
Carlton: I would stop it.

Will: Here we are. Jazz's crib.
Carlton: Crib: dwelling, home, place of residence.
[holds up note-cards and Will takes them]
Will: Hip-hop flashcards?

Carlton: This is terrible. l'm ruined. l'll be kicked out of the glee club, l won't get into Princeton. l won't be admitted to the bar.
Will: Neither will l. The cops took my fake lD.

Carlton: If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, and smells like a duck, what is it?
Will: Your prom date?

Carlton: Will, let me tell you a little story about the grasshopper and the ant.
William: Carlton, I really don't feel like hearing about you and your little friends, ok?
Carlton: [Will is about to leave, but Carlton stops him] Just listen!
[they both sit down on the couch]
Carlton: See, the grasshopper goofed off, while the ant worked hard storing up food for the winter. When the winter came, the ant had food, but the grasshopper starved to death. You know what the moral of the story is?
William: Yep! Even if we were insects, I'd be bigger than you.
[Will leaves]

Cop: Well, according to him, he's sick and tired of getting you bagels, it's not his job to iron your robes and he said you unfairly accused him of calling 1-900-HORNY.
Carlton: [in denial] The man is obviously deviant.

Carlton: Ashley, you take out the garbage.
Ashley: Why me?
Carlton: Because I'm bigger than you.
William: See, that's not fair. That's only 'cause you got them shoe lifts in today.

Carlton: [Carlton is practicing for solo in Easter Mass] Tell your pharoah, let my people *go*!
Will: [mocking Carlton] Tell your pharoah, let my cousin *grow*!

Carlton: For a long time it gave me nightmares. Having to witness an injustice like that... It was a constant reminder of how unfair this world can be. I can still hear them taunting him... "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!"
[getting choked up]
Carlton: How come they just couldn't give him some cereal?

[last lines]
Will: Give me a hug.
Carlton: What?
Will: I said give me a hug, man. A brother get shot, he get a little emotional. Now, get over here and give me some love.
[Carlton gives Will a hug, then Will feels something in Carlton's jacket pocket]
Will: What's that?
Carlton: It's a gun.
Will: Carlton, are you out of your mind, man? You walking around carrying a gun, what do you think you're gonna do with that?
Carlton: It's for protection.
Will: Carlton, you think it's that easy to just shoot somebody?
Carlton: I'll close my eyes.
[Carlton flips a food tray in anger]
Will: I was gonna eat that, man.
Carlton: Everything's a damn joke to you.
Will: So what, you don't think I'm mad? Huh? I've been laying up in this hospital an inch away from being paralyzed, you don't think I wanna get up out this bed and go catch that...
Carlton: It's not gonna happen again, not to me!
Will: Carlton, I understand that you're scared, man, but the world can be a scary place. You just gotta learn to deal with it, alright?
Carlton: Yeah, well, I found my way.
Will: That's not you, man, that's them.
Carlton: Look, I didn't come here for your approval, alright? I came here to see how you were. I'm outta here.
Will: Carlton.
Carlton: No more hugs, Will.
Will: I saved your life, man. I saved your life, YOU OWE ME! Now give me the gun, Carlton.
[pause]
Will: Give me the gun. I saved your life, I want the gun!
[Carlton slowly lays the gun at Will's feet, then leaves the room. Will leans forward for the gun and sees that the gun was loaded and starts crying]

Carlton: This is amazing! Did you know the odds of getting hit by an asteroid are 1 in 6,000?
William: Really? I'm feeIing kinda Iucky, man. Why don't you go outside?

Vivian: Carlton, being a teenage parent is very hard and you have already proved yourself irresponsible by getting yourself into this mess. How are you gonna raise him, feed him, educate him?
Carlton: Wait. You guys aren't gonna take care of us?
Vivian: Hold me back, Phillip!
[lunges toward Carlton]
William: Stand back, y'all! I got a banana and if either of you take one more step, I'll fill both of ya with potassium.

Carlton: [speaking on a tape recorder while driving] Plans for Palm Springs. One: Work on golf swing. Two: Review SAT practice book. Three: Ask Mr. Furth about a summer internship.
Will: [pops up from behind Carlton's seat, wearing a Freddy Kreuger mask] Four: Get the stick out of your butt!
[Carlton screams]

Philip: [to Will as he walks into the room] Excuse me! Is this what you've been telling my boy? That life is one big orgy?
[backs Carlton and Will in a corner]
Philip: Well, college is hard work, son! And after that, a family, which is even more hard work, and a teenage daughter who doesn't want to be seen in public with you, and a wife, a wife, who won't let anywhere near her, and a butler, a butler who may be the father of your child! And a gardener, a gard...
Carlton: Dad!

Carlton: Freeze! Will, what the heck do you think you're doing? You can't drink!
William: Why not?
Carlton: Because you're underage. It's against the law, mister!
William: Thank you, McGruff the Crime Dog.

Carlton: [the very last lines of the series]
[Will sadly walks through the empty Banks' living room one last time; he makes his way towards the kitchen and turns off the lights. Carlton is still upstairs using the bathroom]
Carlton: HEY! WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS?
[Carlton runs down the stairs pulling his pants up]
Carlton: WHERE IS EVERYBODY?
Will: [Will stops as he watches Carlton run out the back door] I am definitely gonna miss you, C!