Top 200 Quotes From Philip Banks

Vivian: So, Ed, uh, Hattie tells us that you grew up on a farm.
Ed: That's right, a horse farm.
Philip: Hmm, my daddy had a horse.
Carlton: Um, uh, Mr. Downer, what breed did you raise?
Ed: Appaloosas. They have the most beautiful spotted coats.
Philip: My dad had a spotted coat, then he had it cleaned.
Ashley: Did you have any other animals on your farm?
Ed: Oh, of course. We had chickens, cows, and a great old dog named Brownie.
Philip: My dad loved brownies. He once ate a whole pan full.
William: [to Carlton] That explains a lot.
Hilary: So what happened to your farm?
Ed: My son's there. I passed it on to him, like my dad got it from his parents.
Philip: My dad had parents. We called them Grandmom and Grandpop.
Hattie: Uh, Zeke, honey, it smells like my dessert is ready. Would you go check on it for me, please?
Ed: Mmm. Smells like sweet potato pie.
Philip: My dad liked...
Vivian: SWEET POTATO PIE!

Philip: Jazz, can you give us your account?
Jazz: Can't. They closed my account. They said I was writing bad checks, but my checks were completely legible.

Geoffrey: [handing Carlton a big brown bag] Master Carlton, I have to take this tray up to your mother, so on your way out, would you mind taking out the garbage?
Carlton: Do I look like Roc?
Will: [sitting at the kitchen table] I don't know, Carlton. Maybe if you shaved your head bald and sanded down the square part.
Carlton: [ignores Will and hands Ashley the bag] Ashley, you take out the garbage!
Ashley: Why me?
Carlton: Because I'm bigger than you.
Will: See, that's not fair. That's only 'cause you got them shoe lifts in today.
Carlton: They're not lifts. I doubled up on my Odor-Eaters.
Ashley: [Carlton walks out of the kitchen while Ashley is holding the trash bag; Hilary walks into the kitchen and Ashley hands her the bag] Here, Hilary, you take it out!
Hilary: Out where?
Ashley: To the trash cans! You know, those things you hit every time you back out the car?
Hilary: Oh, thank God. I thought it was the neighbor's kids!
[Hilary takes the brown garbage bag from Ashley]
Hilary: THIS IS GROSS! I don't touch greasy, disgusting things!
Will: Well, just pretend it's buying you dinner afterwards.
Hilary: [Hilary walks up to Will and shoves the trash bag to him] You take it!
Will: Yo, girl!
Hilary: And for your information, dinner comes first!
[Hilary walks out of the kitchen]
Will: Oh, it's like that, right? You're just gonna slam garbage at me!
[Uncle Phil walks in the room]
Phillip: Good morning, Will.
Will: Good morning, Uncle Phil.
[Will hands Phil the dirty garbage bag]
Will: Here's your lunch!
Phillip: [Phil takes the bag and walk out of the house] Thank you!

William: Aww come on Uncle Phil, you gonna ruin my rep.
Philip: You're only 17. You don't have a rep yet.

[Vivian once again rings the bell, annoying everyone]
Philip: Stop with the damn bell!

Philip: [to Lou] Sit down.
Lou: I ain't got time for no lecture.
Philip: I said, sit down, Lou.
[Lou sits down on the couch]
Philip: You know, Will was doing just fine till you showed up, but now that you're back, you have responsibilities to him.
Lou: Look, we're still gonna take the trip.
Philip: Oh, bull. Bull! Will is not a coat that you hang in the closet, then pick it up when you're ready to wear it. His life goes on. He's not supposed to be here for you. You're supposed to be here for him.
Lou: [stands up] You get off my back! You think I want this? It just happened! Now, when Will was a baby, I was scared...
Philip: Cut the crap, all right? Cut it, because I've been there, but I didn't run out on my family. I was there every day for them because that's what a man does.
Lou: Fine, Philip. You win. You the man. You a better man than me. You happy? Now you gonna tell Will or not?
Philip: I'm not gonna do your dirty work for you.
Lou: I'll call him.
Philip: Yeah, do that.
Lou: Yeah, I'll do that.

Phillip: I smell cheap cologne and fried chicken.
Jazz: I resent that.

Philip: Silence. If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.

Carlton: [to Phillip] Say, big guy...
Philip: Carlton, am I a good father?
Carlton: Are you kidding? You're the best.
Philip: Oh, thank you, son.
Carlton: Can I have access to my trust fund?
Philip: Not a chance.
Carlton: I hate you!
[storms off]
Philip: Oh, yeah? Well, take a number!

Vivian: [to Ashley] We want to talk to you about sex.
Ashley: I know where babies come from. I took sex education.
Philip: I thought you took band.

Phillip: Why do I always have to be the heavy?
Will: [thinks] Nah... I'm in enough trouble already.

Philip: [to Will and Carlton] I wanna know what excuse you two have for pulling such a stupid stunt.
Carlton: We needed the money.
Philip: For what? And I want the truth.
William: All right, it's like this, Uncle Phil. See, Carlton got this inside tip on a stock.
Philip: Federal offense. Go on.
William: Then we pawned Aunt Viv's bracelet to get the money for the stock.
Philip: Grand larceny. Impressive.
William: Then, we lost the money, so we had to strip to get the bracelet back.
Philip: That would be indecent exposure. Is there more?
Carlton: I'm afraid so, Dad. We never got the clasp fixed on Mom's bracelet.
Philip: [starts to laugh] You never got...
[Will and Carlton laugh with him]
Philip: I don't know what to say!
[They laugh harder]
Philip: What can I do? What do you boys think I should do?
William: I don't know, reward us for our honesty?
[Will, Carlton and Philip laugh]
William: Hey, it worked for the Beav!
Philip: The Beav!
[They all laugh harder... until Philip bursts to his feet]
Philip: DO I LOOK LIKE A WHITE GUY NAMED WARD? Now you get that bracelet back and, for the next six weeks, I don't want to hear you *breathe*, or I'm calling the Feds myself!
[Philip storms out]
William: I-I guess this probably ain't the best time to tell him we ran over the mailbox.

Will: Hey Carlton. Those cops were just trying to do their jobs?
Carlton: Will, don't get all bent out of shape.
Will: Man you ain't learned nothing this weekend did you?
Carlton: I most certainly did. Always bring a map.
Will: What?
Carlton: Will if we had brought a map, we wouldn't have had to drive 2 miles an hour trying to find a freeway entrance. And we wouldn't have been stopped.
Will: Oh ok I get it now. So we were stopped because we were driving too slow. We were breaking the slowness limit. Ohh see I ever heard of that law Carlton, but I did hear about this one. It's called the "if you see a black guy driving anything but a burnt out pinto, you better stop him because he stole it" law. Yeah I heard about that one, but see I thought it was the black guy law but in actuality we were breaking the slowness limit law. Oh, thank you for sharing with me Carlton. Good night.
Carlton: They were just doing their jobs.
Will: Good night Carlton.
Carlton: What is your complaint here? We were detained for a few hours, dad cleared things up and we were released. The system works.
Will: Well I hope you like that system because you're going to be seeing a lot of it in your lifetime.
Carlton: Not if I bring a map.
Will: You just don't get it do you? No map is gonna save you. Or neither is your glee club, or your fancy bel-air address or who your daddy is. Because when you're driving a nice car in a strange neighborhood, none of that matters! They only see one thing... ..
Carlton: Well maybe growing up where you did has made you a little touchy. Will you're blowing this way out of proportion. If you look at the facts... ..
Phillip: Carlton? It's late. School day tomorrow son.
Carlton: Yeah yeah ok dad. You know? It was awfully nice of Mr. Firth to help us out. I'll have to write him a thank you note.
Phillip: Shouldn't have happened in the first place.
Carlton: Hey dad if you were a policeman and you saw a car driving 2 miles an hour, wouldn't you stop it?
Phillip: I asked myself that same question the first time I was stopped. Good night.
Carlton: I would stop it.

Philip: This will take care of that cricket.
Geoffrey: Sir, that's air freshner.
Philip: Well, it's all we have. It might work.
Geoffrey: Yes, perhaps the scent of sea breeze will recall some painful memories for him and then he'll commit suicide.

Phillip: [displeased with Will's behavior at the dinner party] I want to talk to you.
Will: About what?
Phillip: You know. From the minute you walked in that door, you've been a one-man wrecking crew trying to tear down what's taken a lot of hard work to build up, skewering everything with your flippant shenanigans!
Will: Man, I was with you until skewering.
Phillip: You know what I'm talking about. You deliberately tried to embarrass me, tonight, and I don't get it. Your aunt and I went through a lot of trouble to bring you out here, and this is the thanks we get?
Will: Man, I ain't asked to come here. Everybody's talking about shipping me off and dressing me up and changing me into something I don't want to be.
Phillip: Nobody wants to change you.
Will: You told me yourself, I got to straighten out and when in doubt, act as Carlton acts. Man, I don't want to be like Carlton. I mean, I'm a joker, I play around, I have fun.
Phillip: Mm-hmm. Being a joker is what's gotten you into trouble. Now, you may think it's cool to be on the streets when you're seventeen, but when you're my age, it's a waste.
Will: Man, I can't think that far ahead.
Phillip: Well, that's your problem. You can't take anything seriously.
Will: [stands up] Man, I don't have the problem, all right? You have the problem. All right, I remind you where you came from and what you used to be, I don't know. Now, somewhere between Princeton or the office, you got soft. You forgot who you are and where you came from.
Phillip: [scoffs] You think you're so wise.
[Will turns away]
Phillip: Look at me when I'm taking to you.
[Will turns back to Philip]
Phillip: Let me tell you something, son. I grew up on the streets just like you. I encountered bigotry you could not imagine. Now, you have a nice poster of Malcolm X on you wall. I heard the brother speak. I read every word he wrote. Believe me, I know where I come from.
Will: You actually heard Malcolm speak, man?
Phillip: That's right. So, before you criticize somebody, you find out what he's all about. I'll take care of you in the morning. I'm going to bed.
[starts to walk out of the room]
Will: Oh, hold on, does that mean I can't tell my side of the story?
Phillip: [turns around] No, you can't tell your side of the story. I know what you're all about. Believe me, the very thought of it makes me very, very tired.

Vivian: [hears Nicky and sees Will holding him on TV] That's my baby!
Philip: [Carlton's waving the zucchini dressed as Nicky] That's my zucchini.

Philip: Will, I thought you said you secured the camping equipment onto the top of the car.
William: But I did. Oh, shoot! This ain't the Volvo!

Philip: [thinking over his drink order] I don't know. I just can't seem to decide.
Will: Well, We've got all three flavors of *Slim-fast*!
Philip: I'll have a cola, wise guy!

Phillip: What are you talking about? I weigh the same as I did in high school.
Will: Yeah, if you add up all four years.

Philip: This is an outrage.
William: Look, Uncle Phil. I swear that dent was in the car before I hit that mailbox.
Philip: What dent?
William: Exactly. So what was you saying?

Phillip: Carlton, will you relax? My money makes money. We're rich!
Carlton: That's right, we are rich.
Will: If we're so rich...
[Camera pans up to reveal the studio lights]
Will: ...why we ain't go no ceiling?

Phillip: [to Will] You deliberately tried to embarrass me tonight and I don't get it. Your aunt and I went through a lot of trouble to bring you out here and this is the thanks we get?
Will: I ain't asked to come out here. Everyone's talking about shippin' me off, dressin' me up, and changing me into something that I don't want to be.
Phillip: Nobody wants to change you.
Will: You told me yourself I gotta straighten out, and when in doubt, act as Carlton. I don't want to be like Carlton.

Carlton: [after surviving the night in a cave] Dad, wake up! We made it!
Philip: [while asleep] Vivian, Vivian, I'm not a machine!

Vivian: [Will has snuck past Geoffrey and his aunt and uncle and is dancing on the stairs behind them] Good night, Will!
Phillip: You're grounded!

Steffi: Hi, Mr. Banks.
Philip: Steffi, do your parents know you're here?
Steffi: I don't think so. They're in Aspen.
[sees a guy pass by]
Steffi: And I'm in heaven!

Philip: [to Vivian] And boarding school's not so bad, is it, Geoffrey? Geoffrey went to boarding school. Tell her, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: Madam, I went to boarding school and then I went to therapy.

William: Hey, man, where you goin'?
Philip: I'm gonna go ask Ashley if she knows where Randy went.
William: Oh, man, you not gonna just go up there and wake her up, are you? I mean, she could already have morning breath.
Philip: [Will is holding his hand] Will, please.
[Will puts his hand down]
Philip: Randy's father has a very serious problem. If Ashley did something like that, I'd throttle her.
[Phil starts walking up the stairs]
William: Now, throttling isn't anything like killing, is it?
Hilary: [reading from a dictionary] Not exactly, the second definition of throttle is to strangle, choke. Killing is the result of throttling.
Carlton: Either way, I think we're about to see a demonstration.

Philip: I got it! I finally killed that sucker!
Geoffrey: Oh, what a horrible death!

William: Hey, Uncle Phil. What's up, man, you busy?
Philip: [eating] Yes I am.
William: Look, listen. Uncle Phil, I've been acting *real* dumb.
Philip: Uh-huh.
William: Look, I know what you're thinking, "what's new", but usually I know why I be trippin', man. But this time I don't have no clue.
Philip: This about you and Lisa?
William: [Will nods his head]
Philip: Sit down. You know, ever since the dawn of civilization Man has tried to be the stronger of the species; the hunter, the protector. Have you taken any anthropology classes?
William: No, but I've seen the Flintstones like five times.
Philip: Anyway, let me update this for you. Say a stranger asks you for directions, now you don't know where it is. But do you say that? No. You say "go down three blocks, make a left, you can't miss it".
William: Yeah, I got plenty of dudes out there still looking for places.
Philip: Same guy asks a woman. now she doesn't know either, but she says "I don't know". That's the difference between Men and Women.
William: Hey, wait, Uncle Phil. What is it that makes men act like that?
Philip: Uh, it's, uh... testosterone, the male hormone.
William: And women don't have testosterone?
Philip: Well, I believe they do, but there's is, uh... dormant, most of the time. Excuse me.
William: Wait, Uncle Phil, hold on. You don't know the answers to none of these questions I'm asking you, do you?
Philip: No, I guess I don't.
William: Then why didn't you just say so?
Philip: Because I'm a man.

Philip: What is it about me that baby doesn't like? Is it my beard? Because if it is, I'll shave it off right now.
Vivian: Don't you dare. I love the way that beard feels.
Philip: Hmph. I'm surprised you remember.
Vivian: Sweetheart, it hasn't been that long since we've made love, has it?
Geoffrey: Five months this Tuesday.
[Vivian and Phil stare at him, and he shrugs]
Geoffrey: Thin walls.

Philip: My God, is that Will?
Vivian: [sarcastically] No, Phil, it's Richard Nixon in a Will mask.
Carlton: No, Mom, I think that's really Will.

[Philip gets interviewed by Trevor, Hilary's boyfriend]
Philip: Uh, Mr-Mr. Banks, uh, not in recent memory has someone managed to lose a race by such a large margin..
[chuckles]
Philip: and so darn quickly. Uh, how does it feel?
Philip: Well, once when I was a kid, I zipped my pants up too fast. Let's just say this brings back old memories.
[smiles]
Trevor: Ouch.

Vivian: Philip, stop moping. You know Will didn't mean what he said.
Philip: Well, why'd he say it? For four years, I treated that boy like my own son. Whether he needed a pat on the head or a kick in the pants, I was there for him. I worked my ass off trying to keep him in line.
Geoffrey: And yet, it's come back with a vengeance.

Will: Knock-knock.
Philip: Who's there?
Will: Amy Fisher.
Philip: Amy...
Will: BANG!

Vivian: Philip, Will's been gone for seven hours now. What if something's happened to him?
Philip: Don't try to cheer me up, Vivian.
Vivian: Philip, I'm serious. Do something.
Philip: What do you want me to do? I've got Geoffrey out scouring the city.
Geoffrey: [walks in the house] I'm terribly sorry, sir, I've looked everywhere. There isn't an ice cream sandwich left in this town.

Vivian: [After Will proposes a Black History class] That's not a bad idea
Will: It's not?
Philip: It's not?
Carlton: [offscreen] It's not?

Philip: Hi kids.
Lisa: Hi Mr. Banks. Would you like to join us for dinner?
Philip: As lovely as that stinks, uh smells, I'll pass.

Vivian: [when Will is going to be on a game show] Who's gonna be your partner?
William: Kellogg Liberbaum. He's gonna call me on the car phone at 8:00 that is if Uncle Phil doesn't try to fix it.
Philip: That's it! The next person to mention the phone gets a boot in their behind!
Jazz: [walks in] Mr. Banks, your phone is broken.
[scene goes to Jazz getting thrown out of the house by Uncle Phil]
Jazz: Aaahhh!

William: Uncle Phil, that is not cool, the way you dissing my father like that.
Philip: The hell with your father.
Vivian: Philip, for God's sake.
Philip: He waltzes in here after 15 years?
William: Fourteen.
Philip: Excuse me. Fourteen years and acts like nothing has happened. Wake up, Will. This is the same guy who didn't think enough of you to pick up the damn phone!
William: He made a mistake. I'm sorry that everybody can't be as perfect as you, Uncle Phil, but if I can forgive him, how come you can't?
Philip: Because he's not doing this for you, he's doing this for himself and if you think any differently, then you're a fool!
Vivian: Hey, just cool it. Just cool down. We can talk about this another time.
William: You know what, Aunt Viv? Ain't even nothing to talk about. I've been waiting for this for a long time, my whole life and ain't nobody gonna stop me. Come tomorrow, I'm out of here.
Philip: Oh yeah, I don't think so.
William: Who cares what you think? You are not my father!
[storms off]

[Phil and Will look at Hilary's Playboy cover]
Philip: My God, it's a miracle! She's covered up!
Will: [turns the page] But this little girl is not.
Philip: Ooooh... Hallelujah!

Philip: [to Carlton] Do you know how humiliating it is to have a son who can't swim?

Philip: [to Michelle Michaels] I'm Philip Banks. This is my wife, Vivian. We're not hip, so we don't know your music. Nice to meet you anyway though.

Philip: [to Ashley] You were perfect, he fell for it, he'll never know we're throwing him a surprise party
Hilary: We're throwing him a surprise party?

Steffi: Hello, Mr. Banks.
Philip: What's she doing here?
William: She wandered over, lonely and crying. I didn't have the heart to turn her away.
Philip: Hit the bricks, you little tramp!
[Steffi runs away]
Philip: Out of here! And tell your mother your father has a girlfriend!

Philip: Do you know what it's like to go after a girl and not get her?
Will: No.
Philip: Well, finally after two years, I learned that Janice was never going to have me so, I settled for Vivian.
[Vivian walks in and hears, then storms upstairs]
Philip: Oh no! With Vivian, with Vivian, sweetheart that came out wrong, honey! Honey! Baby?
[Geoffrey walks in]
Will: Geoffrey, prepare Mr. Banks' couch.

Philip: [walks in after exercising] That diet and exercise regimen your mother put me on has really changed my life. It's nice having her home more. She wakes up cheerful every morning, leaves little love notes in my briefcase, calls me up at work just to chat. That woman must be stopped!

Philip: How in the world did she get the college to readmit you?
Will: She threatened to enroll herself.

Carlton: [Carlton puts on toupee on Philip's head] So, Dad, what do you think?
Phillip: I look like Little Richard: Attorney at Law.
Geoffrey: Dinner is served.
[sees Philip with the toupee on]
Geoffrey: A-Wop-Bop-Aloobop-A-Wop-Bam-Boom.

Philip: [sees Vivian's outfit] You're going to vacuum in that?
Vivian: No, Philip, I'm going to dance.

Philip: [when the family is at the restaurant Will is working at] That is it! You are the most rudest, most incompetent waiter I have ever met.
William: [takes his eyepatch and bandana off] I'm not a waiter. According to my uncle, I don't even have a job!

Will: I remind you of where you came from and what you used to be. Now I don't know somewhere between Princeton and the office, you got soft. You forgot who you are and where you came from.
Phillip: You think you're so wise.
[Will looks away from Uncle Phil]
Phillip: Look at me when I'm talking to you. Let me tell you something, son. I grew up on the streets just like you. I encountered bigotry you could not imagine. Now you have a nice poster of Malcolm X on your wall. I heard the brother speak, I read every word he wrote. Believe me, I know where I come from.
Will: You actually heard Malcolm speak?
Phillip: That's right. So before you criticize somebody, you find out what he's all about.

Vivian: [to Will] Where have you been?
William: At the fridge.
Philip: At this hour?
William: It's 8:00.
Vivian: Listen to us, Philip. We're overreacting.
Philip: This is Will. There's no such thing as overreacting.
William: Adolf, Eva, why don't you just take it easy?

Jazz: Man, I'm starving. When do we eat here?
Philip: We eat here later. You eat here never.
Jazz: Looks like you eat here often!
[Uncle Phil grabs Jazz's shirt and throws him out of the house]
Jazz: Aah!

Philip: [to Will as he walks into the room] Excuse me! Is this what you've been telling my boy? That life is one big orgy?
[backs Carlton and Will in a corner]
Philip: Well, college is hard work, son! And after that, a family, which is even more hard work, and a teenage daughter who doesn't want to be seen in public with you, and a wife, a wife, who won't let anywhere near her, and a butler, a butler who may be the father of your child! And a gardener, a gard...
Carlton: Dad!

Philip: [when Will tries to give him a handshake] I don't want your hand, I want my rent.
William: Oh, man, I don't believe... did you learn nothing from all this mess?
Philip: Yeah. Never rent to relatives.

Geoffrey: [to Uncle Phil] Would you like a Swedish meatball, sir?
Philip: Don't mind if I do.
[goes to get one]
Geoffrey: Only one, sir. The rest are for Master William and his friends, poolside.
Philip: What? I can't believe that he would deliberately disobey me!
Geoffrey: I wouldn't call it disobedience, sir. It's more like outright defiance.
[Uncle Phil storms outside; Geoffrey moves his hands like a puppeteer]
Geoffrey: That's it! Dance, puppets, dance!

William: [to Uncle Phil] I had basketball practice and school, and work...
Philip: Welcome to the real world, Will. That's no excuse, there's never an excuse!

Will: Okay, Uncle Phil, the other night when I dropped off Wendy, I ran into Janice. She wanted to talk about the quake, so I went into her room. Then she said she wanted to slip into something more comfortable. Then we was talking and she showed me some pictures of San, San... .something and before I knew it... Tadow!
Philip: Tadow?
Will: Taaa-DOW!
Philip: Taaa-d... oh, OOOH! YOU SLEPT WITH JANICE!
[Everyone outside reacts with shock]
Ashley: [imitating Philip] Ashley, go to your room!
Carlton: Oh, I love this!
Ashley: [still imitating Philip] And take Carlton with you!
Carlton: Hey, I'm not going anywhere!
Philip: You heard what I said!

Phillip: [about Will] Did you see the way he was dressed?
Vivian: What's wrong with it?
Phillip: You hear that language?
Vivian: We used slang when we were kids! Do you remember our first date? You took one look at me and said, "That is a *bad* dress!" You could've just said it was a good dress.
Phillip: I could have, if I liked it. Actually, it *was* a *bad* dress!

Vivian: [about Hilary's purpose of going to college] We just want you to be all you can be.
Hilary: You want me to join the army?
Phillip: Let's try this again.

Ice: Oh, this is dope, man. I'll just kick back here for a few days and let somebody else do all the work.
Philip: [stands up] Uh, excuse me, young man. In this house, everyone carries his own weight.
[Ice Tray glances at Philip's body, then at Will]
Ice: Too easy.

William: [Uncle Phil has Will in a headlock for three days] Uncle Phil?
Philip: Yes, Will?
William: Are you gonna let me go any time soon?
Philip: No, Will.

Vivian: Who is in charge here?
Sergeant: I am.
Vivian: Let those kids out.
Sergeant: These kids are car thieves.
Vivian: And you have made a big mistake. Now, I don't know how you got that bogus confession out of them, but those two boys haven't stolen a thing from anyone. This has got to be the biggest amateur operation I have seen since Mayberry R.F.D.!
Policeman: Could you ask your wife to calm down?
Vivian: Calm yourself, Barney Fife.
Phillip: Vivian, please. Now officers, I'm sure we can clear this whole matter up quite easily.
Sergeant: Could you please sit down? We're busy now.
Vivian: [removing earrings] Oh, honey, we're about to get very busy up in here.
Sergeant: [Threateningly] Sit down!
Phillip: Hey! You don't talk to my wife like that.
Sergeant: Now, wait a minute, buddy, who the hell do you think you're talking too?
Phillip: Who the hell do you think you're talking to?
Henry: [walking in] What's going on here?
Sergeant: Can I help you, sir?
Henry: I'm Henry Furth.
Sergeant: Good news, Mr. Furth. You're car is safe and sound and we've got the perpetrators.
Henry: Those aren't the perpetrators. Those are my partner's son and nephew.
Sergeant: [turns to Uncle Phil] Partner?
Phillip: Legal Partner. I've got a few questions for you. When you got this alleged confession from these two young men, did they have a lawyer present? No. Because I'm their lawyer. Did you notify their parents? No. Because we're their parents. So, officer, don't tell us to wait and don't tell us to sit down. Just open that damn cell and let those two boys out of there or I'm going to tie this place up in so much litigation that your grandchildren are gonna need lawyers!

Philip: I still remember the night Ashley was born. She looked like a beautiful little black Winston Churchill.

Phillip: Carlton, you are grounded for a month. Will, added to the month that you already have, it should take you into Fiscal '91.

Vivian: [about Judge Robinson] I'm sorry, Philip, that man is beyond eccentric. I asked him to pass the salt, he told me to go long.
Philip: Uh, he was joking, Vivian.
Vivian: Philip, he broke a window!

Philip: Well, I suppose we all learned a lesson from this.
William: Yeah, don't work for you.

Philip: Carlton, you can wear my old Princeton sweater today for good luck.
William: Or he could throw in the air and plug up that big hole in the ozone.

[last lines]
Philip: We're all glad you finally came to your senses. You have plenty of time to figure out what you wanna do with your life. And being a car salesman didn't exactly bring out your most endearing qualities.
Will: Uncle Phil, I was getting paid, man.
Philip: Will, what you do for a living should provide you with a sense of pride and personal fulfillment. It should tap into that part of you that has something valuable to give to the world. Shouldn't be just about money.
Will: You really believe that, Uncle Phil?
Philip: Yes, son, I do.
Will: Then how do you explain being a lawyer?
Philip: I'm going to get another piece of sponge.

Philip: Will, l have a lot of work to do, so l'm gonna make this short and sweet. l don't want you taking our car downtown to some pool hall.
William: You can't do this to me.
[yells]
William: Aunt Viv! Oooh, she's gone.
Philip: That's right, Will. No one can hear you scream.

Philip: Geoffrey, go fetch my tools.
Geoffrey: You mean your knife and fork?

Jazz: Happy birthday, Mr Banks! Heard you had quite a soirez last night. That's French for shindig.
Phillip: What's French for 'unwelcome guest'?
Jazz: [handing him a gift] Brought this for you.
Jazz: [takes it, touched] They're false teeth.
Jazz: [Philip is slightly offended] They were my grandma's. She don't need them no more.
Jazz: [Philip drops it in disgust and stares up at him] I know that look.
Jazz: [Philip stands up] You're not getting any younger.
Jazz: [Philip grabs him] This isn't good for your back.
Jazz: [to Will] I brought this on myself.
Jazz: [cut to the front of the house and Jazz is thrown out] AAAHHH!
Will: Man, Uncle Phil, you beat your own record by like ten feet!

Philip: I've made my decision. I'm gonna base my campaign on the issues, not the dirt. I have faith in LA that LA will have faith in me.
[cut to a TV at Philip's political headquarters]
TV: With over 90% of the districts reporting, Judge Robertson has overwhelmingly defeated Philip Banks.
Philip: [bitter] I hate LA.

Philip: [picks up some food on his plate, while on a diet after a heart attack] What the heck is this?
Geoffrey: [hesitates] Chicken, sir. Oh! You probably don't recognize it without a thick coating of batter and gravy!
[walks away]
Philip: [drops the chicken piece] I can't do this. I can't give up my favorite foods cold turkey... Oh my God. Turkey. With... pillowy mounds of mashed potatoes.
[Will and Geoffrey the Butler exchange looks]
Philip: Butter-drenched dressing. Tiny onions! Swimming in a sea of cream sauce. Oh!

Will: [talking to Carlton] Now look, the only way we'll make it is if we stick together.
[Will and Carlton shake hands]
Phillip: Explain.
Will: [pointing to Carlton] It's all Carlton's fault!

Philip: Vivian, you are so naive. You would believe Will if he told you that he were some big rap star, whose album just went platinum.

Jazz: I'll earn my keep. I'll do everything Geoffrey does.
Philip: Geoffrey bathes.
Jazz: I can learn.

[Vivian isn't doing any work because she's pregnant]
Vivian: I'm as big as a house. All I want to do is lie in bed and eat pie.
Phillip: Well, Vivian, so do I, but I still get things done!

Philip: [looks at an envelope] Oh, my gosh!
Vivian: What is it? A boy or a girl?
Philip: This isn't a sonogram. It's a bill for $25,000 dollars. This baby's costing me a fortune.
William: Congratulations, you're having a Hilary.

Steffi: Hi, Mr. Banks.
Philip: Steffi, do your parents know you're here?
Steffi: The hell with my parents! Will taught me that.

Will: I bet Sinbad's parents supported him when he wanted to be a comedian.
Philip: They named him Sinbad! He had two options: pirate or comic!

Will: Look Uncle Phil, I'm saying, what's the difference between me wearing this and you in the sixties? You wore a dashiki and an afro.
Phillip: But I was making a cultural statement. You're just drawing attention to yourself.
Will: But, now correct me if I'm wrong but you don't think a 6'3", in a dashiki and an afro the size of West Philly is drawing attention to himself?

Hilary: Daddy, for "Monte CarIo Night", you're going to be the croupier de toilette.
Philip: Great. What'll I do?
Hilary: You'll make sure that there's aIways toilet paper on the rolls.
Philip: It's great to know that all those years of Iaw schooI are finally coming in handy.

Philip: [when Will and Carlton are making a dress] Son...
[sees Carlton wearing a dress]
Philip: and I use that term loosely. What's going on?
Carlton: Dad, it's not what it looks like. Will and I are making a dress.
Carlton: That's exactly what it looks like.

Vivian: Did you enjoy the trip?
Will: Oh, yo, the plane ride was stupid! I was looking for first class...
Phillip: Excuse me?
Will: No, I was sayin' the plane was dope! So, I was looking for...
Phillip: Excuse me?
Will: No. Stupid, dope. Oh. No, that doesn't mean what you... um, how would he say it? Oh, the flight was really neat, yeah.

Will: What did I do?
Philip: What did you do? You destroyed my image!
Will: Man, I ain't destroyed nothing!
Philip: Of course you did! Look at that story! I've got to walk in that banquet room tonight filled with people who are gonna think I'm nothing but a hog-handling hick from Yamacraw!
Hattie: [from behind, offended] But that *is* where you come from, Zeke.
Philip: [startled] Mama! I was just having a few words with Will.
Hattie: And I'm having a few words with you. What have you got to be ashamed of? We always put food on the table and clothes on your back!
Philip: Mama, I'm not ashamed. There are just certain aspects of my life I don't wish to emphasize.
Hattie: [furious] Where I come from, they call that being ashamed... Mister Bigshot!
[walks away]

Vivian: You know, Will, for all you walk around here saying 'I wish people would let me act like I want to act', you're always giving Carlton a hard time about acting like he wants to.
Carlton: That's the point I was trying to make, Mom.
Vivian: That's no excuse.
Carlton: Dad, I know it may not make sense, but I had to prove that I had the courage to make it there.
Phillip: That's not courage. Courage is being yourself no matter what *anybody* else thinks. So your cousin makes fun of you, you think that means you have to go along with a stupid bet? Will makes fun of me all the time, you don't see me going, 'yo yo yo, homie, yo!'
Carlton: There's no "Yo" on the end of it. I'm pretty sure of it.

Philip: [he and Vivian walk in with a sonogram] Vivian, why are you making such a big deal about this? I say we do it right here, right now.
Geoffrey: Oh, good. A floor show.

Will: I'm a joker. I play around. I have fun.
Phillip: Mm-hmm. Being a joker's what's gotten you into trouble. You may think it's cool to be on the streets when you're 17, but when you're my age, it's a waste.
Will: I-I can't think that far ahead.
Phillip: That's your problem. You can't take anything seriously.
Will: Hey look, man, I don't have the problem, all right. YOU have the problem. I remind you of who you are and what you used to be. Now I don't know, somewhere between Princeton and the office, you got soft. You forgot who you are and where you came from.
Phillip: You think you're so wise.
[Will looks away from Phillip]
Phillip: Look at me when I'm talking to you. Let me tell you something, son. I grew up on the streets just like you. I encountered bigotry you could not imagine. Now you have a nice poster of Malcolm X on your wall. I heard the brother speak. I read every word he wrote. Believe me, I KNOW where I come from!
Will: You actually heard Malcolm speak?
Phillip: That's right. So before you criticize someone, you find out what he's all about.

Philip: Will, I am going back in the house and when I come out, I want all of these people gone.
William: Well, they will be if you come out in the morning, Uncle Phil.
Philip: Wait, wait. Let me get this straight, young man. You are telling me what will or will not happen in my own house?
William: Excuse me, but this is my house. I pay rent here too, eventually.
Philip: You watch how you talk to me.
William: Well, then, Uncle Phil, stop treating me like a child.
Philip: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was talking to a man.

Vivian: [stressed out from being pregnant] I can't do this anymore.
Will: Look, me neither! I mean, getting woke up in the middle of the night by a naked man running around the house!
Geoffrey: I'm sorry! I thought you were all asleep!
Will: Not you, G...
Geoffrey: Oh, never mind!
Vivian: Look, now, everybody calm down. False alarms happen all the time.
Will: But Uncle Phil was *naked* Aunt Viv!
Phillip: [annoyed] Shut up, Will!

Phillip: Hit the road, you little tramp!

Philip: [while in the ambulance] Would you do me a favor, Will?
William: Uncle Phil, we are not stopping for no burger!
Philip: No, no, no. Would you tell Carlton to look after the family just in case this is my last ride?
William: Your last ride? Whatcha you talking about, man? We gonna go for plenty of rides in ambulances, man.

William: [to Uncle Phil] No, check it out. On the serious tip, you got to fix our air conditioner today. We got some people coming over for a party and as good hosts, we'd prefer that they didn't melt.
Philip: Sorry, Uncle Phil has left the building. You're now talking to Landlord Banks and he's not fixing anything until he gets his rent.

Philip: Who's pregnant?
William: Not me.
Carlton: Me either.
Hilary: I'm going to go on a limb and make that unanimous.

Carlton: We're going to appeal this decision. I intend to cite the landmark case of "Rhode Island v. Schechter Poultry."
Philip: That has to do with the right to hang dead chickens in a butcher-shop window.

Phillip: Jeffery, people Frederick's age don't play with toys.
Will: Ooh Transformers! I been looking for Razorbeak since like, October!

Phillip: No sex before marriage, Will.
Will: Come on, Uncle Phil. This is the 90's.
Phillip: Try a cold shower.
Will: I've been doing that since the 80's. It don't work no more.

Will: [Hilary is showing a very skimpy bottom-only bathing suit she just bought for Arnold Schwarzenegger's pool party] Oh darn, now Arnold will have to return his.
Vivian: I kind of like it.
Philip: I do, too. That's a good-looking hat.
Vivian: It's Hilary's new bathing suit.
Philip: When fish ride bicycles.

Hattie: [to Uncle Phil] Now, don't go giving me that look, Zeke. That's the same look you gave me at the county fair when I wouldn't let you climb up the greasy pole. Now, you're not all that mad at me, are you?
Philip: Well, Mama, yes I am! I try to set some rules for Will and you undermine my authority. I know how to handle things. I am an adult.
Hattie: I am too, Zeke.
Philip: I know that.
Hattie: Do you? How many adults do you tell to take a nap?
Philip: Mama, I was just worried about you.
Hattie: But I'm fine, baby.
Philip: I know. When you had the flu and I talked to you on the phone, you sounded so small. I just want you to live a long time.
Hattie: Then, Zeke, let me live.

[Carlton visits Phil in the hospital after he has a heart attack]
Carlton: Hey, dad. I would have come sooner but... I couldn't stand to see you like this. I mean, you're like Superman to me.
Phillip: Yeah, and cheeseburgers are my kryptonite, huh?

Vivian: [Leading out seductively from behind the closet door] I'm going to slip into something that's going to knock your socks off.
Philip: My socks are already off. Just step out naked.

Philip: So you said your daughter could pose for Playboy?
Vivian: No, I said I didn't like it, but I also said she's a grown woman and it's her choice.

Philip: You talk as if I wasn't there with you in Birmingham, facing dogs and firehoses. This is me, Olufemi, the same Olufemi that was with you the night Harlem went up in flames. But now I have a family, and I choose not to fight in the streets. I have an office to fight from, and I have fought and won cases for fair housing, affirmative action, health care and I am not ashamed to write a big fat check for something I believe in, and that doesn't make me any less committed than you! So, don't you dare look down your damn nose at me, Adebola!

William: l also want to thank you for winning my money back.
Philip: Your money? l'll play you for it.

Vivian: Philip, if you died tomorrow, what would you want me to do?
Philip: Jump in with me and bring the kids.
Vivian: Oh, you don't really mean that.
Philip: You're right. Leave the kids.

Phillip: I want to talk to you.
Will: What about?
Phillip: You know, from the minute you walked through that door, you've been a one-man wrecking crew, trying to tear down what's taken a lot of hard work to build up, skewering everything with your flippant shenanigans!
Will: I was with you up until "skewering."

Phillip: [Phillip and Dr. Hoover are in a fight] Dr. Hoover, the school where you got your degree, did you find it on the back of a matchbook?
Dr. Hoover: Penn State, my brother.
Phillip: Really? Good school. I was thinking of going there if my scholarship to Princeton, Yale, Wharton, and Talladega Tech had fallen through!
Dr. Hoover: Impressive, you must have been quite an athlete in your thinner days.
Phillip: Hey, hey, let's stick to the topic, okay?
Dr. Hoover: Fine. Speaking as a doctor, I think your daughter should be heavily sedated and immediately institutionalized.
Phillip: Well, speaking as a lawyer, I can only say that your daughter fits the criminal profile to a T, right down to the sloping forehead and the wide jaws suitable for grains and small rodents!
Dr. Hoover: I think you have her confused with your momma!
Will: [Phillip punches Dr. Hoover and knocks him down] That's it, Uncle Phil, you're grounded!
[to Dr. Hoover]
Will: You know, I'd be happy to prescribe something for that.

Vivian: [to Philip] Honey, you've also got an infant son who needs you in one piece.
Philip: I don't see Dan's wife giving him any heat over this.
Vivian: From what Helen tells me, she ain't giving him any heat anywhere else either.
Philip: Oh, you women discuss that?
Vivian: You'd be surprised what we talk about.

Philip: [after Lou cancels his trip with Will and leaves] I'm sorry, Will.
William: You know what? Actually, this works out better for me, you know. The slimmies of summer come to class wearing next to nothing, you know what I'm saying...
Philip: Will, it's all right to be angry.
William: Hey, why should I be mad? At least he said goodbye this time. I just wish I hadn't wasted my money buying this stupid present.
[takes out a small statue of a father sitting with his son on his lap]
Philip: I'm sorry. You know, if there was something that l...
William: You know what, you ain't got to do nothing, Uncle Phil. Ain't like I'm still five years old, you know. Ain't like I'ma be sitting up every night asking my mom, "When's Daddy coming home?", you know. Who needs him? Hey, he wasn't there to teach me how to shoot my first basket, but I learned, didn't I? And I got pretty damn good at it too, didn't I, Uncle Phil?
Philip: Yeah, you did.
William: Got through my first date without him, right? I learned how to drive, I learned how to shave, I learned how to fight without him. I had *fourteen* great birthdays without him. He never even sent me a damn card!
[turns toward the front door]
William: [shouts] To hell with him!
[long pause as Will struggles to regain his composure]
William: I ain't need him then and I don't need him now.
Philip: Will...
William: No, you know what, Uncle Phil? I'ma get through college without him, I'ma get a great job without him, I'ma marry me a beautiful honey, and I'ma have me a whole bunch of kids. I'll be a better father than he ever was, and I sure as hell don't need him for that, 'cause ain't a damn thing he could ever teach me about how to love my kids!
[long pause; Will starts to cry]
William: How come he don't want me, man?
[Uncle Phil rushes forward to hug Will, and Will breaks down sobbing]

Philip: [after the baby is born] Hello, little Nicholas Andrew Banks.
Vivian: Honey, I thought we agreed to call him Philip.
Hilary: Ugh, that's a stupid name.

Phillip: Carlton, you don't have to do anything.
Carlton: Will says I do. He says it's time for me to leave the nest and start having sex with girls. Safe sex, mind you, but lots of it!

Vivian: Uhhhh I can't feel it yet Philip.
Philip: Um move over to the right baby
William: Gee I'm coming downstairs I hope no one is getting busy

Vivian: [after Philip kicking Jazz out of the house] Philip, you drop-kicked a human being across the front lawn.
Philip: It felt good, damn it! Back in the saddle again.
Vivian: I think living down the street from the Reagans has had a very bad effect on you.

Phillip: You're grounded for 10 years.
Ashley: What? But that's not fair.
Phillip: Tell it to the judge... Oh yeah. That's me.
Ashley: It's still not fair. The Menendez brothers are going to be free before I am.
Philip: That's because the Menendez Brothers got home on time.

William: [to Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv] How y'all doing? l just got my hair cut. Kind of fly, huh?
Philip: l don't understand why you get your hair cut like that.
William: Come on, Uncle Phil. All the brothers in Philly play their hair like this. Hair on top, none on the sides.
[looks at Uncle Phil]
William: But l guess y'all got kind of a reverse thing going on here.

Geoffrey: [to Aunt Viv] Madam, I have some distressing news. Your heirloom silverware is missing and someone's stolen my new uniform.
Vivian: What?
Philip: It's probably just misplaced. Let's split up and search for it.
Geoffrey: Don't trouble yourselves. I'll just go back to wearing my old uniform.

Philip: Oh, no. I don't think so.

Phillip: [when Uncle Phil introduces Will to a group of lawyers] Will, this is Firth, Wynn, and Meyer.
Will: Yo, Earth, Wind, and Fire. When's your next record coming out?

Philip: Ashley's right. What are we fighting about? We all used to love Christmas, now we take everything so seriously.

Philip: Will, you're grounded!
William: Aw, just for playing music loud? Shouldn't that just be like no dessert?

Philip: Hilary, I think there's something you need to ask yourself.
Hilary: Oh, I already did. I'm registering at Tiffany's.
Philip: No, no. Do you love Trevor?
Hilary: Love? What's love got to do with it? I'm having a wedding!

Philip: [to Will] Get out of the car.
William: But, Uncle Phil, you just said th...
Philip: Get out of the damn car!

Will: I'm a joker. I play around. I have fun.
Phillip: Um-hum. Being a joker is what's gotten you into trouble. Well, you may think it's cool to be on the streets when you're seventeen, but when you're my age, it's a waste.
Will: Man, I can't think that far ahead.

William: [about Ashley] You're trying to control her too much. She's nine years old and she already has a calender telling her where she has to be and what she has to do.
Philip: But she doesn't have to worry about that because you tell her what to do? You're not her father.
William: All right. But how come you didn't even know she doesn't like the violin?
Philip: She liked it for a whole year until you moved into this house. Can you explain that?
Ashley: I never liked it, Daddy.
Vivian: That explains it.

Philip: Pinch me, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: Not on what you are paying me Sir. But, for thirty-five thousand, I'll slap you silly.

[last lines]
Philip: Carlton, it's late. lt's a school day tomorrow, son.
Carlton: Yeah, okay, Dad. lt was awfully nice of Mr. Furth to help us out. l'll have to write him a thank-you note.
Philip: lt shouldn't have happened in the first place, son. Good night.
Carlton: Dad... if you were a policeman and you saw a car driving two miles an hour, wouldn't you stop it?
Philip: l asked myself that question the first time l was stopped. Good night, son.
[leaves the room]
Carlton: [quietly, less confident] l would stop it.

Philip: That bug isn't going to get the best of me. Now I know how Captain Ahab felt when he was chasing Moby Dick.
Geoffrey: Between the two of you, the cricket is the whale?

Philip: I have done everything for Will. Suddenly, it's like none of that matters. I can't believe he could be so selfish.
Vivian: Philip, listen to yourself. Somebody's being selfish all right, but it isn't Will.

Philip: [to Will] No sex before marriage.
William: Come on, Uncle Phil. It's the 90's.
Philip: Take a cold shower.
William: I've been doing that since the 80's. It don't work no more.

Philip: Come on people, I weigh the same as I weigh in high school.
William: Yeah, if you add up all four years.

Philip: Ashley, what are you doing out of bed?
Ashley: I'm worried about Will. Why did you throw him out into the street, Daddy?
Philip: I did not throw him into the street.
Geoffrey: Quite right, sir. You threw him on the lawn. He rolled into the street.

Agent: [to Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv] We understand you've been in contact with Margaret Smallwood.
Philip: Oh? And how is it you that?
Agent: We tap every black person's phone in the United States of America.
Agent: [Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv stare] Just a little FBI humor.

Vivian: You can't stop little girls from growing up.
Philip: I can and I will.

Philip: [while reading off the family's credit card bills] CarIton, $90 for a pair of socks? That's ridicuIous.
Vivian: It certainIy is. Honey, that's $9.00
Philip: Ashley, how couId you manage to charge $80 worth of trinkets on our account at the drug store?
Vivian: That's 80 cents. Sweetie, do you think you need to get your eyes checked?
Philip: Don't be ridicuIous, Vivian.
Vivian: This has been going on for months. If you move the TV any cIoser to the bed, I'll be sIeeping with Jay Leno.

Philip: Ashley, sweetheart.. now, before Kevin comes over, I think I should have a little talk with you about boys.
Ashley: Great, Daddy.
Philip: They're all dogs. Got it?

William: There ain't gonna be a rematch. When he gets out of the hospital, he can have her.
Philip: She dumped you?
William: Man you crazy?... Yeah.
Philip: It was a nice ride while it lasted.
William: I think I loved her.
Philip: Bull, you hardly knew her.
William: No, no. Uncle Phil, I knew her. You know what I'm saying? I knew her.
Philip: You might have known her intimately, but you didn't know her well. Come on, face it, Will, it was the lifestyle you're in love with.
William: Time out. You trying to say that the only reason I loved her was because she was rich and let me sponge off of her? Then I love you too, Uncle Phil.

Philip: Vivian, times have changed since you and I were young. Hell, they've changed since Hilary and Carlton were young. Well, a man's got to do what a man's got to do. You pack your bags. We are moving to Greenland.

Philip: [to Marge] Remember Woodstock?
Marge: Yes.
Philip: 20 of us tried to squeeze into that tent. Vivian and I jumped into that lake naked.
Vivian: I wasn't at Woodstock.

[Uncle Phil walks in wearing a red t-shirt and shorts]
William: [shouting] Hey, Kool-Aid!
Philip: I got your Kool-Aid, alright?
Ashley: You look so good! You are gonna be a hit at the Bahamas
Philip: Well, I can't wait to see your mother down there. I've been practicing my limbo.
[attempts to bend down]
Ashley: I don't know, Dad. That limbo bar gets as low as 13 inches.
William: Wow, Carlton, you could just walk right under.

Philip: [to Will] We want to congratuIate you for setting such a fine exampIe for the other kids.
William: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Vivian: No, baby, not at all. We are very proud of the way you've managed to baIance your schooIwork and your part-time job.
Carlton: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Philip: These bills are no joke. You kids couId stand to Iearn a thing or two from WiII.
Hilary: Are we Iike, in the Twilight Zone? When does everyone put on the pig masks?

Ashley: [the Banks enter the kitchen] What's that smell?
Hattie: [pops up behind the counter] Watch your step, the floor is wet.
Philip: Mama! What're you doing?
Hattie: Giving the floor a good scrub.
Vivian: Well Hattie, you seem to be back to your old self. But that's Geoffrey's job.
Hattie: No it ain't.
Geoffrey: [enters the kitchen wearing a hat and carrying a rake] Alright, ma'am, I started the compost pile.
Philip: [glares at him for letting Hatti scrub the floor] Geoffrey...
Geoffrey: Sorry, sir, but she threatened me with a whooping.

Philip: Get up! Hurry, everybody, get up!
William: Yo, what's the matter, Uncle Phi...
[screams]
Philip: Calm down, Will, calm down. It's Vivian, she's having the baby.
William: That ain't what's scaring me. You ain't got no drawers on!

[to Will; after revealing Jameson performed taxidermy and takes advice from his dog]
Phillip: You are a 17 year old kid and in no position to be giving financial advice.
Vivian: Exactly. That's Sparky's job.

Phillip: So Vivian, how were your classes today?
Vivian: Fine. I just wish my students would concentrate more on their work. They're very easily distracted.
Will: I see it every day. Don't you, Hilary?
[Hilary barks like a dog]
Vivian: Did you say something, sweetie?
Hilary: No.
[Phillip takes a drink from his glass]
Hilary: Will Smith is perfect!
Will: Why, thank you. It's so nice to be appreciated.
Phillip: Yes, but perhaps at another time. Your mother was trying to say something and I'm sure she would appreciate it if she weren't interrupted again.
Hilary: Anyway, as I was saying...
[Phillip takes another drink]
Vivian: Will Smith is the king of the universe!
Will: Why, thank you Hilary!
[Hilary barks]
Phillip: Hilary!
[Hilary barks again]
Vivian: Look, I know people get a little silly around midterms. But not at the dinner table. Hilary
Hilary: Sorry, Mom.
[Carlton clinks his fork on his glass]
Hilary: Will Smith is the scum of the earth!
Vivian: Hilary!
[Hilary barks, then Phillip takes a drink]
Hilary: However... Will Smith is the pinnacle of manliness.
[Carlton clears his throat and Hilary smacks Will upside the head]
Vivian: Hilary!
[Hilary barks, Carlton clears his throat, Hilary smacks Will again]
Ashley: What's with Hilary?

[after Philip reads Vivian the card that came with the flowers he gave her]
William: [takes the card] Uncle Phil, Trevor sent these flowers. They're for Hilary.
Philip: [takes the card and rips it up] Not anymore.
William: Uncle Phil... you lied to your woman!
[pause]
William: My man, give it up top.
[They hi-five]

Jameson: [Jameson is superstisious and thinks Will is a good luck charm. His horoscope says to stay away from leos] My lucky numbers have always been 3 and 7. Will, when is your birthday?
Will: July 3rd.
Jameson: What year?
Will: 1973.
Jameson: So you were born on 7-3-73? My lucky numbers!
Phillip: Jameson, its just a coincidence.
Jameson: Coincidence? I don't think so.
Carlton: I was born August 4th, 1974.
Jameson: [Jumps back] A leo?

Will: [about the house] Yo, this is better than Love Boat! This boy gonna be maxing and relaxing.
Phillip: Hold on just a minute, son. We promised your mother that you're here to work hard, straighten out and learn some good old-fashioned American values...
Hilary: [walks in] Dad, I need $300!

Vivian: Philip, when Will gets here, please be nice otherwise, you're going to be bunking with Mr. Couch.
Philip: Woman, please do you think that you can manipulate me with sex?
Vivian: Does James Brown have a perm?

William: [to Hilary] Okay, Miss Banks, you were the previous tenant in the aforementioned pool house, is that correct?
Hilary: Yes.
William: And would you please tell us of your experiences there?
Hilary: Am I under oath?
Judge: Of course.
Hilary: Well, Trevor would come over at about...
William: Objection!

Hilary: Jazz and I are getting married.
Philip: Over his dead body!

[Philip and Vivian do not agree on how to raise Hilary]
Philip: A girl should always listen to her father.
Vivian: In that case I never would've married you!
Philip: Well, that was different. Your father had it in for me. What was it again that he didn't like about me?
Vivian: It was a tie between your family and your temper.
Philip: Well I'll tell you one thing: I sure don't miss him.
[Vivian glares at Philip]
Philip: God rest his soul.

Philip: [to Will about his beeper] Get rid of that thing.
Will: Come on, Uncle Phil, what's wrong? Do you think everybody's gonna think I'm a drug dealer? Why wouldn't they think I'm a doctor?
Carlton: [takes Will's hat off, showing off his hair] 'Cause everyone knows Buckwheat never went to medical school.

Will: [about the house] Yo, this is better than Love Boat! This boy gonna be maxing and relaxing.
Vivian: Will, we promised your mother you were here to work hard, straighten out, and learn some good old fashion American values.
Hilary: [walks in] Daddy, I need $300. Hilary, your cousin Will is here.
Vivian: Hilary, your cousin Will is here.
Hilary: [to Will] Hi, Will.
[turns to Uncle Phil]
Hilary: Daddy, I need $300.
Phillip: That's a lot of money,
Hilary: I need a new hat.
Phillip: For what?
Will: Probably her head.
Hilary: Ok, I'm going on this Save The Ozone Layer Celebrity Bus next Saturday. We're going to take the bus all over town to protest air pollution, and then we're going to motor to the beach and have a big bonfire.
[Will raises his hand to try and talk]
Hilary: What?
Will: I'm not an expert or anything but don't you think that driving a big old bus around town and then having a bonfire sort of adding to the pollution problem?

Will: I'm 19 years old and I have made some mistakes.
Philip: Yeah, I'm 45 and I make them too. The secret is to learn from them.
Will: Yeah, I learned my lesson. From now on I'm only dating girls with ugly moms.

Ashley: [about Ice Tray's arrival] Word up. This is gonna be cold stupid on the serious tip.
Philip: What did you say, young lady?
Ashley: l said that this is quite an exceptional idea, Daddy. Peachy-keen, even.

Phillip: [about Will] Did you see the way he was dressed?
Vivian: What's wrong with it?
Phillip: You hear that language?
Vivian: We used slang when we were kids! Do you remember our first date? You took one look at me and said, "That is a *bad* dress!" You could've just said it was a good dress.
Phillip: I could have, if I liked it. Actually, it *was* a *bad* dress!

Philip: Look, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll skip dinner. I don't have much of an appetite.
Geoffrey: Shall I call 911?

Philip: [when Will and Jazz are watching a movie] I'll be back soon, Vivian. I'm gonna get a snack.
William: Jazz, hide!
Jazz: I thought your uncle was asleep.
William: He must have had that recurring nightmare where he misses a meal.

Hattie: Back home my Zeke loved our swimming hole. He'd strip down to his birthday suit and jump right in.
Will: Granny, please, it's almost dinner time.
Hattie: [laughs] He'd be in there swimming with Melvin all the time.
Philip: Uh, Mama, I don't think anybody wants to hear about Melvin.
Carlton: Au contraire, Dad, the Melvin stories are classic.
Will: So Melvin was like your best friend?
Hilary: Melvin was his pig.

Philip: We got to get that car back.
William: Uncle Phil, you can't go down there by yourself. You can't handle those dudes. They got guys in there that make you look like Webster.
Geoffrey: lf there are hooligans there, l should accompany you. ln the early '80s, l was sparring butler for Mr. Chuck Norris.

Philip: Mama, you're to take it easy out here while you're recuperating from the flu.
Hattie: Flu? That was just a little cold.
Philip: What did the doctor say?
Hattie: You know us country folks don't rush off to the doctor at the first sneeze, sniffle, or broken bone. We're not the spendthrifts you are, Zeke.

Carlton: [to Philip] You started coming to my games only after Will joined the team.
Philip: I wanted to support Will.
Carlton: But you wouldn't come when it was just me.
Philip: Carlton, I'd like to come to everything you do. I always come to your tennis matches, to your glee club concerts, to your debate matches. Frankly, keeping up with your extracurricular activities is a 24-hour a day job.

William: Uncle Phil? l just wanted to say thanks for coming to the pool hall and saving my butt tonight. l ain't seen too many people shoot like that. Where did you to shoot like that?
Philip: Let's just say, l've spent time in a pool hall or two in my life. l know what goes on there which is why l don't want you going down there in the first place. You think l want to spoil your fun? l just want you to come home in one piece.

Philip: Where'd you last put the insecticide?
Geoffrey: In your soup.

[Will's father came back into town, and then lied to Will about being around more and left. Phillip is trying to comfort him]
Will: Hey, you no what, you ain't got to do nothing, Uncle Phil. You know, ain't like I'm still five years old, you know? Ain't like I'm gonna be sitting every night asking my mom 'when's daddy coming home?' You know? Who needs him? Hey, he wasn't there to teach me how to shoot my first basket, but I learned it, didn't I? And I got pretty damn good at it too, didn't I, Uncle Phil?
Phillip: Yeah, you did.
Will: Got to do my first date without him, right? I learned how to ride, I learned how to shave, I learned how to fight without him. I had *fourteen* great birthdays without him; he never even sent me a damn card. The hell with him!
[pause]
Will: I didn't need him then, I won't need him now.
Phillip: Will...
Will: No, you know what, Uncle Phil? I'm gonna get through college without him, I'm gonna get a great job without him, I'm gonna marry me a beautiful honey and I'm having a whole bunch of kids. I'm gonna be a better father than he ever was. And I sure as hell don't need him for that, 'cause there ain't a damn thing he can teach me about how to love my kids!
[long pause; he's crying]
Will: How come he don't want me, man?

Philip: This is a delicious meal, Geoffrey. You've outdone yourself.
Geoffrey: You're too kind, sir. Moron! Fat head!
Vivian: Geoffrey, must you listen to the Dodgers game during dinner?
Geoffrey: I'm terribly sorry, madam, but it's the bottom of the 9th, bases are loaded. However, I shall maintain my professionalism. Bunt, you pasty-faced sod!
Vivian: Geoffrey, start buffing the silverware.
Geoffrey: What the hell is your problem? You got bricks up your butt, you clown? Right away, madam.

Will: Uncle Phil, you shouldn't leave me here alone. Did you ever see the movie House Party?
Philip: No. Did you see the Terminator?

Philip: [to Will] You gave the money to Ramon?
William: Well, you know, it's just a Ioan, till his sneaker endorsement comes through, you know, around 2010.
Philip: Will, that was very commendabIe, but that's not what that money was raised for.
William: Come on, UncIe Phil. You said I got a break and I was supposed to give somebody eIse a break, so I gave the money to Ramon.
Vivian: He's right, Phillip. You did say that.

Lou: You know, Will, I used to hold you just like this.
Philip: Then why'd you run out on him?

Philip: [to Will] You know, Will, if you had pulled a stunt like this in high school, there's no telling what I would do. For starters, I would do this.
[sits on Will, causing him to scream as the show ends]

Will: [rejecting Phil's gift] I- I can't take this, Uncle Phil. I, um- There's something I need to tell you.
Philip: What is it?
Will: [nervously] Those pills that Carlton took... um, they- they were from my locker.
Philip: [shocked] What?
Will: [stammers] Uncle Phil, I was keeping them in case I needed them...
Philip: How could you be so stupid? You know you shouldn't be messing with drugs!
Will: [stutters nervously] I know, Uncle Phil! Somebody gave them to me at school. I didn't mean for Carlton to take them. I mean, I didn't even know if *I* was gonna take them!
[pause]
Will: I'm sorry, Uncle Phil...
Philip: [angrily cuts him off] Sorry?
[he walks up to Will]
Philip: My son could have died because of you!
Will: Look, I know Uncle Phil. That's all I've been thinking about! B-but you gotta believe me, Uncle Phil, I didn't mean to hurt him...
Philip: Yeah, well, you did! You hurt him, and you could have hurt yourself!

Will: [rejecting Phil's gift] I- I can't take this, Uncle Phil. I, um- There's something I need to tell you.
Philip: What is it?
Will: [nervously] Those pills that Carlton took... um, they- they were from my locker.
Philip: [shocked] What?
Will: [stammers] Uncle Phil, I was keeping them in case I needed them...
Philip: How could you be so stupid? You know you shouldn't be messing with drugs!
Will: [stutters nervously] I know, Uncle Phil! Somebody gave them to me at school. I didn't mean for Carlton to take them. I mean, I didn't even know if *I* was gonna take them!
[pause]
Will: I'm sorry, Uncle Phil...
Philip: [angrily cuts him off] Sorry?
[he walks up to Will]
Philip: My son could have died because of you!
Will: Look, I know Uncle Phil. That's all I've been thinking about! B-but you gotta believe me, Uncle Phil, I didn't mean to hurt him...
Philip: Yeah, well, you did! You hurt him, and you could have hurt yourself!

Philip: [to Will] I had a case very similar to what you are telling me just a while ago. This guy started going out with his best friend's girl hours before they broke up.
William: He waited that long?
Philip: This other guy didn't think it was that long. He was very jealous and he shot his friend.
William: Dead?
Philip: No, let's say he is two olives short of a martini.
William: OHHHH!

[first lines]
[Phil is on the phone with Vivian in Philadelphia]
Philip: Everything is fine, Vivian. Tell Ashley and Nicky that I miss them too. Okay? Okay, love you. Oh, kiss your sister for me.
[hangs up the phone]
Philip: God knows I wouldn't do it.

Philip: For extra money, I had to work for the Princeton Daily. My first assignment was to interview the town's most famous stripper, Boom-Boom LaSalle.
William: I wonder why they called her that.
Philip: For some reason, she took a liking to me. So, she invited me to come with her and her sister to her dressing room for drinks.
William: You the man, Uncle Phil.
Philip: Anyway, one thing led to another and before you know it, this old country boy...
[Aunt Viv slams something down on the table]
Philip: finished his Yoo-Hoo and went right home.

Phillip: All right, Will... if that's the way you want it... Mm ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Phillip: Geoffrey, bring me my tools.
Geoffrey: Do you mean your knife and fork, sir?

Vivian: I am never wearing a bathing suit again as long as I live!
Philip: Now, honey, I'm sure the pool man didn't really mistake you for me.

William: Hey, Uncle Phil, can I talk to you for a second?
Philip: Do you have to?
William: Come on, Uncle Phil, this is serious, man. I need to talk to you about, uh... cars.
Philip: Cars?
[realizing what Will means]
Philip: Oh, cars! Well, I guess it's about time that you and I started talking about... uh, cars. Oh, no! This car isn't in trouble, is it?
William: Oh, no, no, no, no. Never been off the lot as far as I can tell.
Philip: Look, Will, driving is serious business. Now, these days you got to think about safety. You never want to go for a ride in your care without your seatbelt and uh, use your breaks, don't floor it. Because then you throw a rod, you flood your carburetor, you crack your block. Do you understand what I am saying?
William: No, man.

Phillip: As my father used to say, it's better to give than to receive.
Will: Your pop had a bit of a drinking problem, didn't he?

[after learning that Will and Carlton's prank caused Geoffrey to quit]
Philip: [to Will] LOOK, YOU BIG-EARED FREELOADER! You take your little square-headed cousin and you go find Geoffrey and you bring him back! Or they will *never find your bodies*!
[menacingly]
Philip: And I'm a judge! I can *make it happen*!
[Will and Carlton take off immediately]

[outtake]
Philip: We're all glad you finally came to your senses. You have plenty of time to figure out what you wanna do with your life. And being a car salesman didn't exactly promote your *****
Will: [shocked] It didn't promote? Excuse me? It's people from the Lord! There's people of the Lord in the audience!
Philip: Well, it ain't like they ain't never used that word.
Will: We sorry! See, see, James Avery, see, he's a heathen! He's just a heathen!
Philip: Amen!
Will: He's a blasphemer!

Vivian: [walking downstairs] I'm Ready.
Phillip: Ah, finally. What took you so long?
Vivian: Oh I just spent an hour chasing my outfit on the new rotating dressrack.
Phillip: Why didn't you set the variable speed adjustment?
Vivian: Phillip, these gadgets are making my life miserable.
Phillip: Well honey, you're the one who said we should redecorate.
Vivian: Well yeah! I said we should keep up with the Joneses, honey, not the *Jetsons*!
Will: Look before this turns into a argument can we have our tickets so we can go, please?
Phillip: Oh, certainly.
[starts looking in his suit]
Vivian: You lost them did'nt you?
Phillip: No, I did'nt, I know exactly where they are. There in my desk... In my office... Downtown.
Will: Awww!
Vivian: No problem. We'll just hop on my dress rack and swing by.

Philip: The sink is busted, and I'm trying to fix it, Will.
William: Wait, Wait, Uncle Phil, no. Geoffrey's eyebrows just grew back from the time you tried to fix the stove, man.

Philip: I'm not going to punish you, Will.
William: ...You know, that's radical, Uncle Phil, but it just might work.
Philip: I'm not going to punish you today. Maybe not even tomorrow. You see, I need to think a long, long time about just what I'm going to do to you. I don't know, if might come to me in the middle of the night, or maybe next week, or a few years from now. In the meantime, why don't you worry about it? Be afraid, Will.
[seizes Will by his lapel and pulls him close]
Philip: Be *very* afraid.
[He releases Will and goes upstairs, laughing evilly]

Philip: [telephone rings and Will answers it] I've never felt better since I've been on this diet of exercise and healthy food.
William: [hangs up phone] Uncle Phil, that was for you. They said you left your wallet at the donut depot.

Philip: I want to talk to you about something. It's about my daughter posing for your magazine. Now, suppose your daughter got involved in this whole world?
Hugh M. Hefner: My daughter is involved in this whole world. She runs the Playboy empire.
Philip: Okay, well, then let's say someone you really care about, like your wife. Suppose she decided to pose?
Hugh M. Hefner: Well, my wife was the Playmate of the year, and I'm very proud of that.
Philip: Don't you understand there are some parents who aren't comfortable with their daughters being stared at by millions of people?
Hugh M. Hefner: I understand. Over the years, I've had to deal with a lot of parents. You seem like a decent man. I promise you, the pictures will be tasteful.

Janice: [to Phillip] Too bad. We could have had something special.
Philip: I have something special.
[looks at Vivian]

Phillip: [Phillip and Dr. Hoover are in a fight] Dr. Hoover, the school where you got your degree, did you find it on the back of a matchbook?
Dr. Hoover: Penn State, my brother.
Phillip: Really? Good school. I was thinking of going there if my scholarship to Princeton, Yale, Warton, and Talladega Tech had fallen through!
Dr. Hoover: Impressive, you must of been quite an athlete in your thinner days.
Phillip: Hey, hey, lets stick to the topic okay?
Dr. Hoover: Fine. Speaking as a doctor, I think your daughter should be heavily sedated and immediately institutionalized.
Phillip: Well speaking as a lawyer, I can only say that your daughter fits the criminal profile to a T, right down to the sloping forehead, and the wide jaws suitable for grains and small rodents!
Dr. Hoover: I think you have her confused with your moma!
Will: [Phillip punches Dr. Hoover and knocks him down] That's it Uncle Phil, your grounded!
[to Dr. Hoover]
Will: You know, I'd be happy to perscribe something for that.

Philip: Vivian, where were you yesterday?
Vivian: Shooting hoops with Michael Jordan.

Philip: [talking about his old college teacher] The man changed my life. And you know how he did? He challenged me.
William: To what, a pie eating contest?

Philip: [to a waiter he thinks is Will] Can I talk to you for a minute? Look, I'm human. Sometimes I make mistakes. Now, I admit I had some preconceived ideas about you, mainly that you just didn't care about anything, but I guess I'm gonna have to let that go, because today, you've shown me that you are a very, very fine young man and I'd just want us to be closer together.
Waiter: [turns around] What did you say, pervert?
Philip: Oh, I'm sorry, I-um...
Waiter: Look, man, this is Treasure Island, OK? Now, Pleasure Island, that's a block down the street!
Philip: I-I thought...
Waiter: No, I know what you thought, but, if you'll notice, the parrot is sitting on my left shoulder!

Phillip: Heck, the boys go to a predominantly... tall school.

William: [Phil says every student has one professor that makes them who they are] I think I already found him. He's fun and funny, he makes me think about stuff in ways I never thought of before... and I just dropped his class.
Philip: Let me guess, Western Philosophy.
William: HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW THAT?
Philip: Because it's what you do, Will, anytime you're met with a challenge you turn and run.

Geoffrey: [to Phil] Problem, sir?
Philip: It's Vivian. I don't know what's gotten into her. This morning, she told me that I've become too...
Geoffrey: Predictable, sir?
Philip: Yes, that's exactly what she said. She said that I wear the same...
Geoffrey: Blue shirt every weekend, sir?
Philip: Yes, I mean, just because a man has...
Geoffrey: Froot Loops every morning.
Philip: Just because I watch...
Geoffrey: Legal Beagles.
Philip: Every night. Does that mean that I've become predictable?
Geoffrey: Absolutely not, sir. Why, you're a regular hotbed of spontaneity.

Vivian: Do you know what my sister just said? You are not gonna believe this. She said our kids are spoiled.
Philip: [sarcastically] Oh, news flash.
Vivian: You mean you agree with her?
Philip: Vivian, I'm the one who says they should be doing more work around the house. You're the one who is too easy on them.
Vivian: Oh, really? Does this sound familiar?
[imitates Hilary]
Vivian: Daddy, I need $300 dollars.

Philip: You know, this... this really irritates me. I have worked very hard to give my family a good life and suddenly somebody tells me there's a penalty for success. I'm sorry you had to go through this, son. When are we gonna stop doing this to each other?

William: Hey, Aunt Viv! UncIe Phil. Whoa, you got that mad Iook in your eyes. Let me guess. You grabbed Geoffrey's underwear by mistake, am I right?
Philip: Will, why didn't you give that check to charity Iike I toId you to?
William: What you taIking about? I did.
Philip: Don't stand there and lie to me.
William: I'm not Iying.
Philip: I just got back from the club and I've never been so humiliated. I thought we had an agreement that that money was going to go where it was most needed. Now, you march upstairs and get me that check.
William: Well, I can't. The money's gone.
Vivian: Will, how couId you have spent $1,000 aIready?
Ramon: Wow, Will, you must be loaded! You spent $1,000 and had another $1,000 to give to me for basketball camp? I gotta raise your shoeshine rate.

Phillip: Will, how many times do I have to tell you that this is our living room? How would you like it if I went up into your room and suddenly started throwing chalk around?
Will: I'd be devastated.
Phillip: ...Out!