500 Best 7th Heaven Quotes

[Knitting]
Jenny: This started out to be a sweater for your grandpa, but too much work you know, so I think it maybe'll be an afghan for a gerbil.

Mrs. Lawrence: The spray paint Pete used came from your garage. Pete said Simon brought it to school.
[Simon shakes his head, "no."]
Mrs. Lawrence: You just stay away from my son. You've done enough damage.

Ellen: I hear that men of the cloth are really hot.

[Eric to Annie]
Eric: Are you aware that our living room is filled with children who don't belong to us?

Lucy: [to Wilson] That's so weird. I feel the exact same way, like every single person on this earth is one second away from leaving the planet, me included. And you know, it's like there must be a reason I'm here. God must have had a reason for keeping me here. Otherwise, why wouldn't I have been in that car?
Wilson: Right after my wife died, I felt the exact same way. Why didn't I die? Why her? Why did she have to suffer through such a difficult labor and then die in the end?

Simon: [to Mary] I know I'm considered "The Bank of Simon" and you all laugh at that, but here's what I like about money. It tells you right who you are in numbers, not words that can hurt your feelings or make you mad. Numbers are undisputed facts, and the fact is, your numbers point to trouble. It's simple. You don't make as much as you spend, and you don't make enough to meet your obligations. You'd see that if you looked at the numbers, but I know you don't like to do that. I can help you set up a budget and a payment schedule if you want, but even if you don't want, take my advice. Don't spend anything else until you pay off your debt and then don't get into debt again! And the first thing you have to pay off is your personal debt; the money you owe Sam and David. Now, I know that a lot of people would put that off to last, and maybe a professional finance guy would tell you to pay your institutional enders first, but I'm your brother, and I'm telling you that morally, the right thing to do is to pay people first, especially relatives. And when you see that little column of debt marked "Sam and David" reach zero debt, that zero is going to tell you right who you are, just like I said. It's gonna say that you, Mary Camden, care more about your family than anyone else. It's gonna say that you care about keeping your promises to your family more than anything else. And when you see all those other little columns of debt go down, week after week, the page is gonna tell the facts of your debt recovery. It's a beautiful thing and I want you to have a beautiful thing because I love you.

Mary: [to her parents] I'll meet you in the car!
[slams the door]
Annie: Mary wouldn't leave without saying goodbye to her brothers and sisters, would she?
Rev. Eric Camden: Don't be surprised if she gets on the plane without even saying goodbye to us.
Annie: I hate this.

Rev. Eric Camden: [to Simon] You know this isn't a conversation I want to have with my son who is six weeks away from getting his learner's permit.
Simon: Four weeks.
Rev. Eric Camden: Six.
Simon: But you said four.
Rev. Eric Camden: Now I say six.
Simon: But the law says I could have gotten it six weeks ago.
Rev. Eric Camden: Yeah, but I'm the law here in this house. Six weeks?
Simon: But the law is the law outside of this house, and that law, the law that every other teenager relies on as protection from overbearing parents says otherwise.
Rev. Eric Camden: And yet it's going to be six weeks and if your attitude doesn't change, it's going to be seven, eight or nine weeks depending on when you recognize that driving is a privilege.
Simon: Yes, driving is a privilege. It's a privilege that comes at 15 and is granted by the DMV.
Rev. Eric Camden: Let me ask you something, do you live at the DMV? Do you eat at the DMV? Did the DMV buy you those sneakers that are in your closet that you never wear? And one more thing, is the DMV buying you dinner?

Lucy: I want to be a minister because I want to be like my dad. I want to do what he does, I want to be who he is in the community. I want to serve God and I want to serve mankind. And I believe that this is my purpose in life and I was guided to that purpose in a unique way, by being the daughter of a minister.

Sandy: Did you tell the twins there's no Santa? And no Jesus?
Rose: What are you the Christmas police?

Rev. Eric Camden: Ruthie, I just... I really want you home right now.
Ruthie: But don't you think that's kind of... selfish?
Rev. Eric Camden: I beg your pardon?
Ruthie: Dad, you've been living with heart problems for years now and you're probably going to spend the rest of your life living with heart problems. That doesn't mean I have to come home and watch you have heart problems, does it?
Rev. Eric Camden: Uh, no, I guess not, but on the other hand, I really want you to come home. I need you to come home and the entire family needs you to come home, and I'm afraid that as a parent, I'm going to make a decision for you that you're not going to be happy with. You're coming home, Ruthie. You're coming home with me and your mom. Life isn't always about you. Sometimes it's about other people, or sometimes even about your parents, and your family. I need my family around me right now, and I don't care if you think that's selfish. Fine, I'm selfish. I get to be selfish. I'm the one who's in need right now, and I need you home. I could leave this decision up to you, but you're 16, and... I'm afraid you might really regret it later, so I'll decide for you.
Ruthie: You really think you can decide for me?
Rev. Eric Camden: If you can't make the right decision yourself, then yeah. Yes, I can.

Mary: This can't happen. This is my senior year and I have a scholarship to play basketball. I mean, somebody has to do something.
Simon: Why did he lock you guys out?
Matt: Mom had two babies, Dad just had a heart attack, and now this? They have enough going on without having to worry about without the stuff. You're supposed to be the oldest. How can Mom and Dad trust that you can keep an eye on everyone else when you can't keep an eye on yourself?
Mary: Oh, boy. One more lecture on how it is to be the oldest. How many times do I have to hear this stuff from you?
Matt: Until you get it right.
Mary: Go away! And take your lemony-scented self with you.

Rev. Eric Camden: [to Simon] Where did you get those pants?
Simon: I got them from Matt's.
Rev. Eric Camden: You know where that little fashion trend got started? Prison. You know where you'll end up if you keep wearing your pants like that? Prison!

Simon: How ya doing, kid?
Lucy: Get out of my face.
Simon: You're okay.

[about Savannah]
Lucy: I just put her down.
Kevin: She looks like a mummy.

Ruthie: [to Eric] So did you get me transferred out of Miss Riddle's class?
Rev. Eric Camden: Yeah. I think I did.
Ruthie: You and God make a great team!

Rev. Eric Camden: [to Robbie and Lucy] Are you two going out again?
Lucy: Come on, Dad. Robbie and I aren't dating. You have nothing to worry about. We're practically brother and sister.
Rev. Eric Camden: [to himself] It's the "practically" that worries me.

Ruthie: You don't understand. This is my life we're talking about. It's not your life, it's mine. I love it here. I am perfectly happy being halfway across the world: away from the Church and Dad. And the school where you and Matt and Mary and Simon all went to. I'm not the preacher's kid anymore, I'm just Ruthie Camden. Do you know how great it is to just be Ruthie Camden without everyone knowing I'm the preacher's kid? I love it. I'm a normal girl here. I just want to be normal!
Lucy: Normal is completely overrated. And quit whining about being the preacher's kid. What's wrong with being the preacher's kid? There are a lot worse things to be. You know, maybe you'd like to be the daughter of a... a bad person!

Lucy: Did you know that you've made popular Simon even more popular? I don't know how you do it.

Ruthie: Martin Brewer loves me, finally.

Mary: [about Frankie and Johnny] They are good people. They're both working, and they're trying to raise this kid, and it's really hard.
Rev. Eric Camden: So hard that they have to smoke pot.

Mary: [to Eric as he feeds the twins] Where's Mom?
Rev. Eric Camden: I am perfectly capable of feeding my own sons. I do it all the time! I have fed my children for over 21 years now. True, for many of them, your mom cooked most of those meals while I was out earning the money to pay for those meals, but from time to time, I have fed one of my offspring, or all of my offspring, just as I am doing now, without the aid of Mom!
Mary: I'm just looking for Mom because she asked me to pick up some soap for her.
Rev. Eric Camden: Oh. She's upstairs.

Pete: Well, the only reason he ever pays any attention to me is because I'm a good pinch runner.
Martin: That's not a bad thing. You're the fastest guy on the team.

Annie: You want a piece of me? I brought seven kids into this world, I can take one out.

Ruthie: Ding dongs? That's not my usual.
Eric: You have a usual? You've only been in school for a few weeks.
Annie: Trade Simon for his ho-hos and then use the ho-hos to trade for Lucy's Nutter Butters.
Ruthie: I could... But variety is the spice of life.

Chandler: Just so you know... I'm a fairly monogamous guy.

Rev. Morgan Hamilton: We cannot fight hate with hate. What are we teaching our children today? That will make things better tomorrow?

Rev. Eric Camden: [to Matt] What are you doing with this stuff?
Matt: A friend at school gave gave 'em to me. Their just natural energy boosters made from herbs or something.
Rev. Eric Camden: Not everything that is natural is good for you. Cocaine is extracted from the cope of plant. Heroin and Morphine come from natural plants and extracts. Natural doesn't always mean good!
Matt: Dad, calm down, okay. Check the bottle, it's sealed I didn't take any. I was just looking for a way to keep awake so I could keep studying.
Rev. Eric Camden: Oh, you'll stay awake because the main ingredient in these pills is Ephedrine which is just a chemical process away from from being Methaphetamine.
Matt: Wait, I don't get it, I mean the guy who gave these pills bought them from a health-food store. I mean if this stuff is so dangerous, then why is it not illegal?
Rev. Eric Camden: Because Ephedrine is classified as a food, not a drug, so it's not regulated the way it should be. Ephedrine-based supplements are illegal in 13 states. You know that it took to make them illegal? People died.
[Mary enters the room]
Rev. Eric Camden: What's wrong?
Mary: I took those pills.
Rev. Eric Camden: You took these pills?
Mary: No, I didn't get the pills from Matt, I got them from Diane who gets them from her father. I thought everyone was taking them.
Rev. Eric Camden: I think I better talk to Diane's father. Throw them out.
Matt: Gladly.

Lucy: [to Mary] See, the trick isn't getting the job, it's keeping the job.
Mary: Why are you so snotty?
Lucy: Considering I spent the day dodging creditors and breaking into piggy banks, I think I'm entitled to be a little snotty.

Vic: I wish I could hold onto some of the fury I felt when I saw you with all your little friends. It might keep me from breaking down and crying.

Annie: [to Pauline] We both appreciate your offer of help, but the truth is, if there are any problems with the family or Mary and there aren't, Eric and I are fully capable of handling them.
Rev. Eric Camden: I'm a family counselor.
Pauline: A counselor who counsels himself... that's a fool for a patient.
Annie: Did you just call me a tart?

Shana: What time do you get off?
Matt: I just got fired. Isn't that great?

Matt: [about Mary and her money issues] I don't have time for this.
Lucy: I don't have time for this, either! I have a paper to write!
Matt: You know, I don't even know why we're yelling at each other when we should really be yelling at Mary.
Lucy: We can't yell at Mary. We can't find her!

Ashley: [to Lucy] You wouldn't understand. You have a mother. A real mother. Sometimes, I wish I had a real mother, too, not someone who would rather be my friend than my mother. Friends, I have. People to go to parties and dances with I have. A mother I don't have and haven't had since my parents got divorced. That's when my mother decided that she didn't want to be a mother anymore.
Lucy: I had no idea you felt this way. I thought you liked having a mother who was hip and cool and unmotherlike.
Ashley: What's so hip and cool about being locked in some stranger's bathroom while your mother flirts and carries on with some guy who's too old for us and too young for her? Welcome to the dark side of having a hip and cool mom.

Simon: [to Mary when she wants to borrow money] No, no, no!
Mary: I will drive you on dates or anywhere you want to go.
Simon: Your car seats two. Where's my date supposed to sit, in the trunk?

Simon: Think about me and Rose. What's the first song that comes to mind?
Ruthie: "Let's Call The Whole Thing Off".

Frankie: It just seems so unfair. You make one little mistake, you know?
Mary: Yeah, I know. I made a big mistake once, too. I got arrested last year for trashing the school gym.
Frankie: [laughs] Arrested? You?
Mary: Yeah. I'm still on probation.
Frankie: Oh, so that's why you don't drink or smoke or anything.
Mary: Yeah, kind of... but also because I feel so out of control, anyway - like I couldn't get my life back on track even if I wanted to. Not that I want to - I mean, it's not so bad, but it's just...
Frankie: Existing. Just existing. I know what you mean. Every time I make an effort to do something, it just feels like there's so much resistance... and I give up before I even start trying.
Mary: Maybe we could help each other. Maybe we could make an effort together. Maybe we could go to college and see if anything changes. I brought the brochures, do you want to look at them?
Frankie: No, not right now, I'm too out of it. Maybe some other time.
Mary: [disappointed] Yeah. Maybe some other time.
[stands up]
Frankie: No, don't say it like that. Don't give up on me. I need a friend.
Mary: Well, I need a friend too.

Kevin: So what if Lucy is stubborn and slightly insane.

Eric: A mother feeding her child is the most beautiful picture in the world.
Annie: Do you have any idea how much this hurts?

Martin: [Talking to Ruthie about Vincent] Have you noticed how big his head is? I mean, it's not normal.

Lucy: [to Rachel] Okay. You... be quiet for a second and listen to me!
[to Sarah]
Lucy: And you! well, you like adults. And I'm an adult... a very tired adult, who's tired of having to listen to you and Rachel fight. I need a time-out, an adult time-out, which can only happen if you both go home. Now. Right away. I will call your parents and tell them whatever you want me to tell them, but please just go home! I promise that Ruthie will have you both over again... separately!

Mary: Dad, please. They really are my friends, Frankie is my friend! She asked me to bring over those college brochures tonight so we could look over them, and make a plan to go back to school.
Rev. Eric Camden: And did you?
Mary: No.
Rev. Eric Camden: Because she was too stoned? Mary... who are you and what are you doing with these people?

[Lucy thinks Mary likes Jimmy and becomes jealous]
Lucy: I know what you thought of him. You thought if he had six more arms he could be a babeloctopus!

Kevin: [to Eric] That's what you do when someone's breaking in - you grab a frying pan?

[the Camdens are performing the nativity scene]
Rose: Look at them! Isn't it horrible?
Sandy: Horrible? What is so horrible about that? I think it's wonderful.
Rose: I just don't get it. Are they begging?

Martin: You never know when pizza might turn into sex.

Ruthie: Nobody cares about me or how this crisis is affecting my life!
Lucy: We're not going to continue to pay for this anymore. We shouldn't have even paid for it in the first place. We just wanted to encourage you to be your own person and take interest outside your own little world, and now... now it seems that you've completely forgotten where you came from, and who your family is. You know, we love you, Ruthie.
Ruthie: I know, and I love you too, but Mary's not going to give up her family and come home and Matt's not going to give up his practice and his family to come home, and Simon's not going to drop out of his senior year of college and come home. So why do I have to?
Lucy: Because you can and because he wants you to.

Rev. Eric Camden: [Holding a glass in his hand] What's this?
Matt: That's a glass.

Annie: I've signed up for school today.
Rev. Eric Camden: What school?
Annie: College, Crawford. I want to get my teaching credentials in early childhood education.
Rev. Eric Camden: Now? You do know that we have 7 kids now.
Annie: We have the twins and Ruthie, but Simon starts high school tomorrow, Lucy graduates high school this year, Mary's out of high school and working and Matt is out on his own.
Rev. Eric Camden: Matt is hardly out on his own. He sleeps out on his own. He's still a kid.
Annie: Oh stop it. He and Heather are practically married.
Rev. Eric Camden: No, they're not. That's just what we say to each other whenever we think those two might be shacking up. And Mary is going to college, she's going to go to college eventually... I hope, as soon as she figures out that she doesn't enjoy minimum wage jobs.
Annie: Unfortunately, I think Mary is quite happy with her stint in the world of minimum wage.
Rev. Eric Camden: Well, I'm not happy with it. With my luck she'll probably decide to go to college when Lucy decides to go and with Matt's we'll have 3 tuitions to pay, oh plus yours. And by the way, who says that Lucy won't have the kind of senior year that Mary had. And Simon is starting high school. Do you remember what it was like when Matt started high school? High school boys are, well they're high school boys. And we shouldn't forget Ruthie, who is well on her way to being more difficult than all the other kids rolled into one. Oh and bonus, the twins are entering the terrible twos. They are not entering, they are there.
Annie: So, what are you saying? That the family is so dangerous that I can't take 1 or 2 hours away from them to take one course? I'm going back to school!
Rev. Eric Camden: When were you going to tell me this, as you were backing out of the driveway tomorrow morning?
Annie: No, I planned to tell you just when I told you.
Rev. Eric Camden: [sarcastic] Well, thank you Mrs. Camden!

Nasreen: I was happy until one day, our entire world turned upside down. I go out on my usual errands and suddenly people are staring at my hijab. I've worn it all my adult life, and now I get looks and whispers as I pass by. Why? I'm still the same person. I haven't changed. I try to believe that some people are just curious, but why wasn't I asked about it years ago? Why now? See, it's not curiosity, it's suspicion.
Rev. Eric Camden: Fear can bring out the worst in people, and fear is evidence of a lack of faith. I mean, for some people, that's a lack of faith in God. For others, it's a lack of faith in themselves, but for others, it's a lack of faith in their fellow man. I hope what's happened with Yasmine doesn't make you lose your faith in people's kindness.
Nasreen: Oh, how can I? I have proof sitting right here in front of me. I'm sorry to have burdened you with my problems. I'm a very pro-active person and I hope I'm not sounding like a victim because that's not my intent.

Rev. Camden: Teenagers shouldn't have sex, sex is for married couples.
Vincent: Okay, so... what if Ruthie doesn't get married in her twenties or her thirties and she's in her mid forties, on her own, earning her own money, living in her own house, and she's madly in love with this great guy who has a fear of commitment?
Rev. Camden: Don't care if she's eighty, the answer is still no.
Vincent: This is why I don't wanna go to church.

Mrs. Parks: Thank you, Mrs. Camden. Christy is lucky to have you as a teacher.
Annie: Considering everything that has happened today, that is very sweet of you to say.

Mary: Remember when you just met Robbie? You didn't like him either, and now he's living in your house and you treat him like he's your son.
Rev. Eric Camden: That could be a problem with this guy since he's too old to be my son.

Rev. Eric Camden: [to Ruthie] I still can't believe I forgot my birthday!
Ruthie: You're old. Old people forget stuff.

Annie: [to Eric] I'm sorry. I just can't be there for you right now. I went to the doctor last week... and...
Rev. Eric Camden: We're pregnant again, aren't we? Are we?
Annie: Eric, how could you think that?
Rev. Eric Camden: Well, you're tired, you're hungry, you're eating weird.
Annie: So we're not pregnant! I'm starting to go through the change of life. I'm starting to get hot flashes. I can't sleep at night. And...
Rev. Eric Camden: Menopause?
Annie: Well, technically I'm in peri-menopause.
Rev. Eric Camden: Well, that's great. Thank you, Jesus!

Eric: You don't wanna mess with my kid.

Mary: Dad, please. They really are my friends. Frankie is my friend! She asked me to bring over those college brochures tonight so we could look over them and make a plan to go back to school.
Rev. Eric Camden: And did you?
Mary: [pause] No.
Rev. Eric Camden: Because she was too stoned? Mary, who are you and what are you doing with these people?

[about Simon]
Annie: As soon as I get some rest, the little blond boy is mine.

Simon: [to Mick] Shooting people won't solve your problems.
Mick: Right, should I just let... uh, what's it called, their teasing. Yeah, I should let all their teasing roll off my back.
Simon: It's better than shooting people.

Julie: I don't know if I believe Mary.
Dr. Hank Hastings: I think we should tell Eric and Annie about her - about the beer, and that she's still hanging out with Frankie.
Julie: I hate to get her in trouble. If this were an isolated incident... she wasn't drunk. She could be telling the truth
Dr. Hank Hastings: But if she is in trouble, and we don't say anything, how are we going to feel later... that we knew she was in trouble, and we did nothing?

Sgt. Michaels: [to Eric] I talked to the folks in juvenile. Johnny has a record. And just as you thought the family has a gun, a registered .38 special.

Yasmine: Yasmine was walking home from school when a couple of boys started following her. They were calling her names because she's Muslim and trying to scare her, and one of them even picked up a dirt clod and threw it at her.
Yasmine: That's when Ruhtie ran over and started yelling back at them, but they still kept on following us.
Rev. Eric Camden: And this was happening right outside our house?
Yasmine: It's happening everywhere.
Rev. Eric Camden: Did these boys ever physically hurt you?
Yasmine: No. Just my feelings.
Rev. Eric Camden: Feelings are important, too. They matter a great deal and you matter. We're not gonna let this continue.

Simon: Hey, where's Grandpa?
Eric: I'm sorry Simon, but... he's gone.
Simon: Wow, him too?

Elaine: [to Mary] Did you hear the rumor? It's all over school.
Mary: I just saw you this morning. How could anything be all over school?
Elaine: Well, what can I say the real juicy stuff has a life of its own. Corey Conway had a baby when she was fourteen.
Mary: Corey had a baby?
Elaine: Yeah, Maggie the new girl, said that there was a Corey Conway who went to her junior high school, and that Corey got pregnant and dropped out of school and had a baby.

Rev. Eric Camden: When two people get together for the wrong reasons, there can only be one outcome. Lucy and Robbie will eventually have to face why they got together, and when they do, they'll break up.

Matt: Why can't Robbie move out? I mean, he has a job, he makes good money. It's not like he can't get another place to live, I'll help him get another place to live.
Simon: He doesn't want another place to live. He likes it just fine where he is, in Hello Kitty-ville.
Matt: But this is our house, our family, Robbie has a family of his own.
Simon: I know, Lucy made out with half of them.

Mary: Look, if I never go to college are you really going to be this mad at me for the rest of my life?
Rev. Eric Camden: [Hugs her] Yes. Because you're too smart not to learn all you can as long as you can.

Peter: Sam and David ate the coal.
Sam: I like coal.
David: Me too. I'm gonna be a miner.

[Annie is calling the local hotel to see if Ginger is registered there]
Annie: Ginger... somebody. What do you mean you don't know? How can you not know? How many Gingers do you have there? I mean, is there a Ginger convention in town or something?

Matt: That's insane!

Robbie: [to Simon] Remember when you told me your mom once kissed you at school and you nearly died? Someday, this will be funnier than the kissing story.
Simon: No, it won't.

Matt: Renee named her baby after grandma.
Simon: She named her baby Grandma?

Ruthie: You two better not make a lot of noise and wreck my date.
Simon: It's not a date, it's a play date. You're eight. I'm going on a date.
Annie: It's not a date, you're twelve. It's a birthday dinner.

Robbie: What's that pizza lady's baby doing here?
Annie: You've seen this baby?
Robbie: Yeah, at Pete's Pizza.
Annie: Frankie and Johnny.
Robbie: Yeah, that's her name. Frankie. She works at Pete's and brings the baby in with her sometimes.
Annie: Are you sure this is her?
Robbie: No offense because all babies are beautiful, but I'd recognize that head anywhere.

Rev. Eric Camden: [to Matt] What are you doing home?
Matt: Well, didn't Mom tell you? I got laid off.

Annie: We're going to be one big, happy, bowling family.

Ruthie: Rose can sing.
Eric: It's a grand day.

Simon: If you ever do anything to hurt Ruthie... ever... I'm gonna find out about it. I know where you live.
Peter: Okay.

Matt: Sssshhh! You want Mom and Dad to hear you? They're waiting for us. You know they are. Waiting for someone to stop that incessant crying.
Lucy: It never stops.
Matt: Thus the word incessant.
Lucy: We're trapped in our own home. Our hell home... sorry. Usually my brain self-censors, but I can't hear myself thinking.
Mary: Okay, listen, we can use the crying for cover. If we sneak up into our rooms very, very quietly them Mom and Dad won't be able to hear for the screaming.

Mary: We trashed the school gym.
Lucy: What? Who?
Mary: Some of the girls from the team and me.
Lucy: Why?
Mary: I don't know. We were just eating and talking about the team lockout and it just happened.
Lucy: And you got busted?
Mary: Yeah, we must've set off an alarm or something 'cause the cops showed up.
Lucy: What's gonna happen?
Mary: I don't know. Sgt. Michaels saids I need a lawyer.
Lucy: This is unreal.
Mary: I wish.

Lucy: Do you wanna end up like this?
Georgia: Chubby?
Lucy: Pregnant.
Georgia: Oh.

Reverend: [to Simon] Are you in some kind of trouble?
Simon: I'm not sure about that either. See, the thing is, is that he's probably trying to scare me. But Deena's boyfriend said that he was going to shoot me.

Mary: Hello? Is anyone listening to me? I need a car!
Annie: Hello! Earn money and buy one.
Mary: You guys bought Matt a car. Why can't you buy me a car?
Annie: Matt was going to college. You, on the other hand, are not going to college. You are working, so you can buy your own car. How much money have you saved this summer?
Mary: Saved? On what I make? Please. You guys are forcing me to buy on credit, and you can stop talking about college, because I'm not going to college until I figure out what I'm going to college for.
Rev. Eric Camden: Well, maybe so you can earn a living and someday even have your own house, and your own car.
Mary: Well, maybe I don't want to have my own house. You don't own this home; this is the Church's home.
Rev. Eric Camden: Yes, but this house is a benefit of my job, which I earned after five years of college and we do have a car. Two cars. Well, three if you count the one we bought for Matt, who's in college.

Mrs. Jasper: Pete Lawrence collapsed on his way into school. His nose was bleeding and he was having trouble breathing.
Simon: I didn't know it was serious or at least this serious. I thought it can only make your nose bleed.
Reverend: A bloody nose is the least of it. Huffing causes liver damage and kidney failure. Heart failure.
Simon: Can you die from it?
Reverend: Kids do every year.

Simon: [to Ginger and Grandpa Charles] So, you guys are planning to do a little travelling together, huh? Sounds... pretty neat.
Lucy: Yeah! Neat.
Matt: Really neat.
Mary: Way neat!
Eric: Yeah... Travelling can sure be...
Ruthie: Neat?

Simon: [to Sergeant Michaels about Sarah] What, you think this girl has parents? What kind of parents would let their child run around hungry and dirty like that? She must be an orphan. I can feel it in my bones.
Sgt. Michaels: I think we owe it to the child to go a little bit beyond that.
Simon: Why? Even if she does have parents, they shouldn't get her back. When something belongs to you, you have to take care of it! It's the law.
Sgt. Michaels: Well, not exactly.

Gladys: They're all nuts!

Lucy: You're obnoxious!
Kevin: That's not very nice.

Morris: [about Jewish holidays] What about the one when you put on the costumes and the masks?
Matt: That's Halloween.

Lucy: Hi Mr Suggs, I baked you some cookies!
Mr. Suggs: I have diabetes!

Simon: [to the guys huffing in the hall] Hey, you guys are going to get a huge headache if you do that.
Pete: It's called huffing. It makes you you feel like you're walking on clouds, right? Wanna try it... or are you too PURE? Didn't think so.
Mitch: Hey, Camden, you say a word to anyone, and your life will be hell.

[Upon seeing the ferrets]
Lucy: Those mice are majorly mutated!

Rev. Eric Camden: [to Annie] We haven't spent time together... for a long time.
Annie: It's been a week.
Rev. Eric Camden: A week is a long time when you're in love.

Frankie: [to Johnny] Why do you always have to act like this when somebody comes over?
Johnny: I don't act like this whenever someone comes over, I act like this all the time.
Frankie: Right. You do act like this all the time. So when are you going to grow up?
Johnny: Get off my case, will you?
Frankie: You could at least help me out a little around here. It's not like I ask you to do that much.
Johnny: You don't ask me to do that much? You asked me to marry you, didn't you?

[after meeting the Colonel and Grandma Ruth]
Jimmy: Why didn't you warn me? I wasn't properly warned.
Lucy: I did warn you! Matt and Mary even showed you!
Jimmy: You're right. I fell victim to my own arrogance.

Reverend: I-I just have to ask you, has Johnny ever been in trouble?
Mr. Morton: I think this conversations gone far enough.
Reverend: Do you own a gun?
[Mr. Morton sighs]
Reverend: Oh, I thought so.
Mr. Morton: Did you know that guns don't kill people, people kill people!
Reverend: People with guns kill people! No, is it too much ask that this man to admit that his son has problem, and take some action!

Lucy: [to Robbie] What are you thinking?
Robbie: I am thinking that you are nothing like Mary.

Lucy: Why don't you girls go outside and play, and I'll set us up a picnic lunch?
Rachel: I don't like eating outside. It's a bug thing.
Lucy: Okay... well, then, we'll have a picnic indoors.
Sarah: With orange soda?
Rachel: I don't like orange soda, and neither does Ruthie.
Sarah: Ruthie likes orange soda.
Lucy: Who wants a cookie?
Rachel: Ruthie's my best friend, and I think I know if she likes orange soda!
Sarah: She was my best friend first.
Rachel: But you obviously don't know her as well as I do!
Sarah: Yes, I do.
Rachel: No, you don't!
Lucy: Really. Taste a cookie. They're still warm.
Rachel: What's Ruthie's favorite color?
Sarah: Purple.
Rachel: Blue! What does she want to be when she grows up?
Sarah: A vet.
Rachel: Queen Elizabeth! See, I told you that you didn't know her. I know her. She's my best friend!

Annie: [When Eric invites a foreign exchange student to stay with the family] You invited a guest to stay in our house without even consulting me?
Rev. Eric Camden: I just thought it would be a great cultural experience for the kids, for all of us.
Annie: Well, so's a museum, but unfortunately we don't have room for one in our house!

Ruthie: Peter, I'm hungry, I'm really hungry.
Peter: We don't have any more money.
Ruthie: I know, five wrong buses will do that.
[Peter takes something out of his pocket]
Peter: Here - it's a raisin. I think. I was kind of saving it... But you can have it.
[Peter discovers Ruthie doesn't want it, shrugs his shoulders and eats it himself]

Rev. Eric Camden: [to Ruthie] We talked to Mrs. McCool.
Annie: Why would you make up stories about the family like that?
Ruthie: I thought that if I got people to feel sorry for us, they'd stop talking about Mary. I thought that if Mary knew everyone was talking about her, she wouldn't want to come home. I'm still mad at her for messing up, but I want her to come home.

Ruthie: I love Mary and I miss her, but I don't think she's coming home.

Shana: [to Matt] I've been accepted to NYU for pre-med and classes start in January.
Matt: NYU as in New York?... I don't know what hurts more, that you're going away, or that you told my dad before you told me.
Shana: Come on. Can't we talk about this?
Matt: I think it's too late for that.

Rev. Eric Camden: [to Annie] The first year that I knew you, you were just like this. You in no uncertain terms told people of what you thought and that was one of the things that attracted me to you, that and the fact that there was never any predicting when you were going to tell someone what you thought. I remember you let my dad tell you like 27 times how to put a diaper on Matt before you told off the The Colonel like... like I'd wanted to tell off The Colonel my entire life.
Annie: What are you saying, I've always been a nut?
Rev. Eric Camden: Pretty much but you've mellowed over the years. And now you're back without warning and it's a beautiful thing. I love you. I've always loved you and I'm always gonna love you, till death do us part. Even if it kills me.

Rev. Lucy Kinkirk: Can you belive this wait? It's like they should give out numbers, you know, like a bakery. Well, I guess it's like a bakery, you know, in the "bun in the oven" sense. That's what my grandma would say: "A bun in the oven". I wish I had a bun, I'm starving.

Matt: Yeah, well, there's something about jamming a long sharp piece of metal in my arm that gives me a problem.

Simon: This is all my fault. I shouldn't have said anything.
Lucy: It's not your fault. It's not your fault at all. If you hadn't said anything, something worse could have happened. He could have shown up at school with that gun! Johnny's a kid with a bad temper. A bad temper and a gun. That's a really bad combination.

Mary: [to Wilson] I think I have to tell you that I have a boyfriend.
Wilson: Here in Buffalo?
Mary: No, back home.
Wilson: In Glenoak?
Mary: Yeah... In Glenoak... At my home. Robbie lives with my family.
Wilson: Is he planning to move out here?
Mary: No.
Wilson: Are you planning to back there?
Mary: No.
Wilson: Long distance relationships don't usually work out.
Mary: I know.

Kevin: Lucy and I haven't had sex since I got pumbled by that woman.
Rev. Eric Camden: Good night.

Matt: [to Annie] So Ruthie caught you and Dad... um, you know?
Annie: Yes. Okay? Yes!
Matt: I should have seen that one coming.
Annie: No, you shouldn't have, it's never happened before!
Matt: Yes, it has. Um... we've all seen you. I've seen you, Mary's seen you, Lucy's seen you, even Simon has seen you. Did you do that thing where you said you were gonna check on one of the kids and then Dad said he's gonna go check on you? That usually signals the red flag and we all steer clear, but Ruthie just didn't know the signal!
Annie: Well, how did the rest of you know the signal?
Matt: It's kind of an obvious signal.
Annie: No it isn't!
Matt: Yes it is.
Annie: Go to bed.
Matt: I don't live here.
Annie: Go to bed, anyway.
Simon: [teasingly] You know, you're never too old or too smart to do what your mother says.

Matt: I'm gonna be... a gynaecologist.
Annie: Well, he does love women.

Lucy: Do you think Mary and Robbie will ever get married?
Ruthie: I do.
Annie: Honestly, no, I don't.
Ruthie: Why not?
Annie: Well, because they're very young and they've both got a lot to do before they settle down. Robbie wants to get a college degree and maybe even a Masters. He's been talking about volunteering to teach at an inner-city program.
Ruthie: And Mary?
Annie: Well, she's enjoying the class she's taking and maybe this will get her interested in choosing some field of study and she'll go to college. And who knows?
Ruthie: What if she doesn't want to do nothing but follow Robbie around?
Annie: Anything!
Ruthie: It sounds more pathetic when you use the double negative, don't it?

Sue: [to Simon and Luke] Okay. Our dad is picking us up around 10:00.
Carol: And we need 30 minutes to change and take off our make-up.
Sue: So that leaves us with about 4 hours to do whatever.
Simon: Why do you have to change?
Carol: Do you think our parents let us out of the house looking like this? So, let's go do something.
Simon: Shouldn't we wait for the rest of the group?
Sue: [she and Carol laugh] There are no other people.
Carol: That's just a lie we tell our parents so they'll let us go out with boys.

Simon: Hey, what's going on?
Ruthie: Go away.
Simon: Go away? Come on, it's... it's me, it's Simon... I'm your favorite sibling, I'm the guy you shared a room with, let me in... come on, Cecilia already won't talk to me, I can't take you not talking to me too.

Simon: [to Nigel] Why did they burn your church?
Nigel: Because they're the bad guys. Bad guys have been setting fire to black churches for 100 years. They're just trying to scare us.
Simon: Yeah, well, if it didn't work for 100 years, you'd think they'd give up.
Nigel: Yeah, you'd think so.

Annie: What are we gonna do?
Rev. Eric Camden: Call around. Find a lawyer, I guess. I didn't see this one coming.
Annie: Not this, no. Not in a million years.

Ruthie: You're the worst babysitter I ever had.
Simon: That's not what you said two hours ago.
Ruthie: Yeah, well that was before you made me wear the staircase.

Rev. Eric Camden: [to Mary] You were doing so well.
Mary: I still am doing well.
Rev. Eric Camden: You know... I'm really happy to see you, but you're in a lot of trouble.
Mary: Trouble?
Rev. Eric Camden: Running away from the Colonel and Ruth's to sneak off and see Robbie? Yeah, I think I'd qualify that as trouble.
Mary: What? Dad, I didn't come here to see Robbie. I came here to see you. It was supposed to be a surprise. I mean, Mom thought we could get Robbie here and back to pick me up without you ever noticing.
Rev. Eric Camden: Wait a minute. Your mother knew about this?
Mary: Everyone knew.

Annie: Wait a minute. Why are you all together? What happened to the bus?
Lucy: I just change my mind, that's all. Too many freshmen.
Simon: Actually, I was going to walk home today, but I lucked out when Mary saw me and stopped to pick me up. By the way, she's not such a bad driver when Dad's in the car, you guys may want to take that under consideration.

[about himself to a patient]
Matt: The vampire returns...

Ruthie: [to Robbie and Lucy] By the power invested in me, in *me*, I now pronounce you a couple. You may now kiss you ex-girlfriend's sister. You know, you guys should really go on a talk show.

Mary: [after Annie and Eric find a marijuana joint in Mary's bedroom] I can't believe you searched my room! What are you, communists? I have rights, you know!
Annie: I guess I just can't explain this often enough. A right is something that can never be taken away from you. For example, you have the right to be indignant now and I can't take that away, but privacy? Well, privacy is a privilege when you live with your parents and privileges can be taken away. Now, we knew that you were in trouble, but we had no idea that you were this far down the road!

Rev. Eric Camden: It's just that my Mary... my beautiful, smart, basketball-playing Mary, is falling completely apart.
Rev. Morgan Hamilton: She may be coming undone, but she's not undone yet.

Simon: I'm drunk? Cool.

Simon: The Tooth Fairy doesn't hex. The Tooth Fairy grants wishes - good wishes.
Ruthie: The Tooth Fairy is branching out.

Lucy: I had no idea this was your life.
Mike: My life's just fine and you know why? I'm alive... and I'm grateful for every second of every day.

[about Ben's girlfriends]
Kevin: There's always something wrong with the girls you pick.
Ben: What about Mary?
Kevin: I rest my case.

Rev. Eric Camden: Mary tells me she's here permanently.
Annie: Permanently? That's the best news I've ever heard. We have our whole family back together again.
Rev. Eric Camden: Don't you want to know what happened with Wilson?
Annie: I'm sure she'll tell us eventually.
Rev. Eric Camden: [to himself] What's wrong with this picture?

Ruthie: I have no life. On the other hand, everyone else in this house does!

Annie: [to her kids] You know what's really unfair? What's really unfair is that your father and I have worked around the clock for 20 years to give our children a good home, to send our children to school, to buy them the clothes that they want to buy, and yet those children, the very same children that we sacrificed ourselves for over and over again think that they should decide who gets what and when they should get it.
Simon: No...
Annie: Don't speak. I will give your sister Mary anything I want to give her, anytime I want to give it to her because I love her and I am happy that she is home. Mary needs us. She needs her father. She needs me and she needs you. And I've got some news for all of you: we need her. We need to embrace each other and support each other because that's what families do. And until you're ready to do that, you know what? You can just live out here! You've got a change of clothes, one week's allowance and some school books. You're more or less on your own. Until you're allowed the privilege of telling me that just how much you regret you're total lack of respect for me and my decisions. And then at that time, if I like what you have to say, I just might let you back into the home that your father and I created. Until then, take care of the rebellious one known as Ruthie. You can come in and use the toilets. Nothing else! Not the kitchen, not the laundry, not the shower, not the phone and not the TV. Enjoy.

Lucy: When you marry someone, you marry their family and I didn't marry Jeremy because I didn't marry his family.
Annie: So you quit school and came home.
Lucy: Maybe I'm not cut out for the ministry.
Annie: Because?
Lucy: Because his family teased me relentlessly for being a goody-good-two-shoes. They called me Mother Teresa.
Annie: She was a great woman.
Lucy: I am not Mother Teresa. I offer what I said to Ruthie as proof. I should only hope to do one thing as great as any of the millions of things Mother Teresa ever did. They drink, they smoke pot and they throw a lot of parties, and yet... I liked them. I don't approve of how they live their lives, but I liked them. I like everybody. They just didn't like me. I kinda got kicked out.
Annie: How could anyone tease my baby for being good?
Lucy: It's hardly a Camden world out there.

John: So man, have you ever taken anything from here?
Matt: No, I never really saw the point.
Keesha: I think I'd be too afraid I'd get caught.
John: Oh no, come on, everybody knows that if anybody gets caught, I'm the one they'll blame.

Mary: I got it! I got my learner's permit. And Dad got me my own set of keys. Congratulate me!
Lucy: Congratulations.
Ruthie: Ditto.

Annie: [to Ruthie after she saw Annie and Eric having sex] Ruthie, it really isn't funny.
Ruthie: Oh, it's plenty funny! I always thought it was so serious, because you always have this serious face when you talk about sex, but trust me, it was funny!
Annie: It's also very... private, and very intimate, and even though it's perfectly natural for a man and a woman - a married man and a married: woman - to... make love, it's not something that's meant for anyone else to watch.
Ruthie: I didn't mean to, and believe me, I'm going to do everything I can to make sure I never see anything like that again!

Lucy: [to Mary] No, it's not you. It's not your driving I'm afraid of. It's Mom. I don't want to be seen with her, especially at school, and neither do Simon and Ruthie. If you hadn't gotten your learner's permit, we wouldn't even be in this situation.
Mary: What are you talking about?
Lucy: Look, it's bad enough that Mom and Dad are all over each other in the house day in, day out, but this is like taking it to the streets... our streets, our schools, in front of our friends. Mom is a walking advertisement that those two can't keep their hands off each other and consequently, there are about to be seven of us. Seven! I'm surprised the zero population growth people haven't shown up at our door and dragged the two of them off to some seminar.
Mary: I hope Sheila beats the snot out of you.

Ruthie: [about her teacher] She's mean! She's really mean. And she makes me want to do something really, really bad.

Matt: [to Ruthie] Don't make me get Mom and Dad.
Ruthie: Ha! You couldn't get Mom and Dad away from the "Children of the Corn" if you tried!

Robbie: [to Ruthie] I never said you were a sneaky person. I said you were sneaking cookies. That's all.
Ruthie: But you still think I'm sneaky.
Robbie: I don't think you're sneaky. I think you're cute. And I think the name "Snooky" suits you... and I like the sound of it even if you never snuck a cookie. And I like having a special name for you because you and I have a special relationship. I never had a little sister. I think you're great.

Lucy: [about Jeremy] You must have seduced him.
Mary: What?
Lucy: Oh, don't act so innocent! You probably had one of your wacky plans and he got caught up in it. I'm angry at Jeremy, but I'll forgive him.
Mary: And what about me?
Lucy: I'll never forgive you.
Mary: Luce, you don't have all the facts. Don't say something you're going to regret.
Lucy: I wish you weren't my sister.
Lucy: [sighs] Something like that.

Ruthie: See, Sarah, it's like I told you: Moms are cool and grandmas are the coolest. They let you do just about anything, they never yell at you and they let you eat anything you want.

Rev. Eric Camden: I love you, Dad.
Mary: You came all the way from Buffalo just to tell me that? What a great present. Your mom is something else.
Mary: Coming home was my idea. Mom has something else for you at the house.
Rev. Eric Camden: Wow. What could top this?

Matt: What's wrong with Luce?
Mary: God hates her.
Matt: Still? You'd think after 13 years he'd move on to someone else.

Simon: So... you and Lucy never called off the wedding before the wedding, did you?
Kevin: Yeah, the closer we got, the more often we called it off.

Annie: Don't try to give this to Happy 'cause she doesn't like people food.
David: Neither do I.

Mary: [to Robbie] You think you have to have a relationship with me so my family will let you stay here.
Robbie: It's not like being with you is a chore.
Mary: But it's not what you want. You don't want to date me. You wanna date my family.
Robbie: No, I want to marry your family.
Mary: Well, just so you know, win, lose or draw with us, you're still part of this family. My parents will never turn their back on you. You don't have to date me to stay here. You don't have to not date me to stay here.
Robbie: So it's over, isn't it?
Mary: Three strikes, we're out.
Robbie: I still love you.
Mary: I'll always love you.

Annie: [Answering the phone] Hello?
Eric: What are you wearing?
Annie: Eric?
Eric: Yeah, it's me. So... What are you wearing?
Annie: What do you mean "What am I wearing"?
Eric: I mean... What are you wearing?
Annie: I'm wearing my clothes.
Eric: What kind of clothes?
Annie: The same clothes you saw me in this morning.
Eric: Don't you wanna take off your sweater?
Annie: No, I'm cold. Are you OK? You sound strange.
Eric: I'm sick.
Annie: You're sick?
Eric: Yeah, I'm love sick for you, baby.
Annie: "Baby"?

[during fight]
Ben: He started it!
Chandler: What are you 12?

Lucy: I don't feel like having dinner with everyone. I really don't feel like being around people, so I'm just gonna go pick up something. Is that a problem?
Rev. Eric Camden: You know, I pulled a lot of strings to get you into Cobell Seminary. Are you planning on going back to New York and to Cobell?
Lucy: Isn't it enough that I'm not getting married? Do you want me to tell you I'm not going to college in New York? Is that what you want, more bad news? Okay, fine, I'm not going to Cobell! Are you happy?
[storms out in tears]
Matt: Well, it looks like not only is Lucy back, she's crying just the good old days. Some things never change, huh?

[Mr. Feinstein is playing a Gershwin song on the piano]
Hiphop: Ey yo, come on man! This is only supposed to be detention, not torture!

Annie: [in response to Ruthie playing a game where people step on land mines] Ruthie, did you know that there are real people who step on real land mines? They lose arms and legs. And some even die.
Ruthie: Yeah, but this isn't real life. It's just a game. A video game.

Rev. Eric Camden: We haven't spent time together for a long time.
Annie: It's been a week.
Rev. Eric Camden: A week is a long time when you're in love.

Chandler: Don't call me a tyrant!

Patricia: Oh please, you gonna tell you me you don't ever get tired of being a minister's wife. I feel like if I laid back and kicked up a beer the Devil himself will show up.

Lucy: That was her mom, she didn't seem to mean, did she?
Jimmy: No, but maybe she was battling to keep her dark side at bay the whole time.

Julie: Are you asking what I think you're asking?
Dr. Hank Hastings: I'd get down on one knee, but I'm old.

Rev. Eric Camden: Two new babies and we still get to torture the other five. I told you this was gonna be fun.

David: I'm a cookie monster.

Ruthie: [to Lynn] Why do you think they burned your church?
Lynn: I guess because they didn't want us to have a place to talk to God.
Ruthie: Oh.

Mary: Um, I just got off the phone with Mr. Wolf. Um, Mr. Wolf from the group that gave me the scholarship. Apparently, word of what happened has gotten around, and in light of everything that's gone on, including me recent subpar academic performance, Mr. Wolf said the committee felt there were better candidates out there for the limited funds that they have to donate, for college next year. I lost my scholarship.

Lucy: [to Jeremy] Will you marry me?
Jeremy: Uh...
Lucy: Hello! I asked, "Will you marry me?"

Ed: [to Eric] You can't stop me from getting an apartment with my son.
Rev. Eric Camden: The state of New York can.
Ed: Is that a threat?
Rev. Eric Camden: No, it's not a threat, it's...
[pause]
Rev. Eric Camden: Okay, it's a threat.

Ruthie: [as Annie catches Simon drinking coffee] I'm not drinking coffee, I just stole it for him.
Simon: [to Ruthie] Thanks a lot.
Annie: Simon!
[grabs the phone from Lucy]
Annie: Goodbye Jordan.
Lucy: I had to call him to tell him I couldn't call him.
Annie: [to Ruthie about her gum] Come on, spit it out.
[to Simon]
Annie: You, no coffee.
[to Ruthie]
Annie: You, no gum.
[to Lucy]
Annie: And you, no phone. Got it? Good.

Mary: [to Frankie] Is that... Is that pot?
Frankie: Yeah. I just need it to loosen up. This whole mother and wife gig really sucks.

Ms. Rusnak: Do you have a boyfriend?
Ruthie: No.
Ms. Rusnak: Ever been in love?
Ruthie: Not really.
Ms. Rusnak: I don't recommend it.

Ed: [to Eric] You are not Robbie's father!
Rev. Eric Camden: Neither are you.
Ed: Sticks and stones. Ouch.

Jimmy: Lucy...
Lucy: Yeah?
Jimmy: Someday I will kiss you, I just don't want it to be because of some artificial holiday when my feelings for you are real.

Rev. Eric Camden: Simon, do not, under any circumstances, let Ruthie out of your sight. She's planning to run away.
Simon: You do see that she's just crying out for attention, don't you?
Rev. Eric Camden: Yes, and your mother and I are doing everything we can to give her the attention that she needs, but our hands are kind of full right now, so we were hoping you could give her some of yours. Scratch that, a lot of yours. All of yours.
Simon: Well, hey, I'm a team player.
Rev. Eric Camden: I'm delighted to hear it.

Matt: [Proudly announces] I'm gonna be... a gynecologist.
[Walks out]
Annie: [to Eric] Well, he does love women.

Annie: [to Ruthie] Why don't you like Guy?
Ruthie: He's a chauvinistic pig?
Annie: Ruthie! I don't even know what you know what that means.
Ruthie: Well, I know what "pig" means.

Frankie: [to Mary] I came all this way to beg you in person. Please watch Mercy. Please. Be my friend, and do me this one favor. I just need an hour, and your sister said your aunt and uncle would be gone all day.
[pauses]
Frankie: I think Johnny's cheating on me. I want to follow him - catch him in the act. And I can't do that unless you watch Mercy.
Mary: [hesitates] One hour, right?
Frankie: Two hours max.
Mary: Please don't blow this.
Frankie: I won't. I won't. I'll just go get Mercy.
Mary: You left her in the car?
Frankie: I rolled the window down. Man... you're the best friend ever.
[leaves]
Mary: Yeah, or the stupidest friend ever.

Eric: So your sister shoved a guy's head in the toilet?
Matt: Up to the collar. You would have been proud.

Mary: The beer isn't mine, it's Frankie's. Frankie drank it.
Dr. Hank Hastings: That's your defense: "the beer belongs to my pot-smoking friend?" How stupid do you think we are?
Julie: Let's just forget the fact that I'm a recovering alcoholic, and that any trace of alcohol in my house doesn't exactly make me happy. Let's assume that you're telling the truth - it's not your beer. Let's talk about how you, my underage niece, happens to have be involved with an underage friend who has beer. What's happened to you? Who are you?

Mary: Cheese covers a myriad of sins.

[to her friend after agreeing with Eric to a subtle approach]
Gladys: You are such a liar!
[Eric looks dumbfounded]
Gladys: Subtle never really worked for me.

Annie: Robbie has offered to pay $200 a month, but he wants a three-year lease so he can stay here until he finishes college.
Rev. Eric Camden: Three years? I mean... is he sure he wants to stay here for three years? Three years is a long time.
Annie: It's $7,200.
Rev. Eric Camden: It'll go by like that.
Annie: Matt will probably go away next year to medical school and Lucy, being Lucy, could end up back in New York and Simon's probably gonna go away to college. So why shouldn't we rent the room to Robbie when it's finished?
Rev. Eric Camden: Why not? It's $7,200 and James is busy.
Annie: Of course, if Mary ever came back...
Rev. Eric Camden: I don't think Mary is coming back.
Annie: I want her to come back.
Rev. Eric Camden: I want her to come back, too... when she's ready.

Mary: [to Corey] How did you hide this from everyone?
Corey: It wasn't easy. I couldn't have anyone over to my house. I couldn't go to parties or stay out late. Forget about dating. With taking care of a baby I barely had time to go to school or play basketball. When I think about it, I actually don't even know how I was able to finish high school. Most teen mothers don't. I do know that I couldn't have done it without my mom. She's been there for me every step of the way since... the day I told her I was pregnant.
Mary: Man, motherhood at fourteen.
Corey: You know what's harder than motherhood? Your friends talking and whispering behind you back.
Mary: Not everyone is talking about you.
Corey: Please, this spring I'm graduating Magna Cum Laude. I'm the top score on a championship basketball team and I've been accepted to 3 Ivy League Colleges. But now, thanks to Maggie, the only thing that everyone cares about is that at 14 I had a baby.

Annie: We love our kids. We work really hard at trying to be good parents who see the right examples, but there comes a point in life where you have to throw them out into the world and pray.
Rev. Eric Camden: What about Mary?
Annie: Maybe we pushed her too far. Mary's a good kid.

Ruthie: I just want to know what happened.
Lucy: The way you're always sneaking around, I'm surprised you don't know already. In fact, that's what your nickname should be. Sneaky. Not Snooky, but Sneaky.
Ruthie: I'm not sneaky!
Lucy: Yes, you are, and I think Robbie was trying to tell you that in a nice way.
Ruthie: No, he wasn't! He doesn't think I'm sneaky. He was teasing me.
Lucy: Yeah, but why do you think he was teasing you? Maybe he was trying to point something out to you. Good night, Sneaky!
[turns over and goes to sleep; Ruthie's eyes fill up with tears]

Johnny: Listen, Mighty Mouse, stay out of this, or I'm going to take you out of it!
Simon: Take me out of it?
Johnny: [makes a gun with his fingers] Get it?
Simon: You're gonna shoot me?
Johnny: Yeah, maybe. All of a sudden you'll turn around and see a .38 Special pointed right at you.
Johnny: [chuckles]
Johnny: Yeah, I just might do that. You'll have to look over your shoulder everywhere you go.

Annie: [to Ruthie] Spit it out.
Ruthie: How did you know?
Annie: I have eyes in the back of my head.
Ruthie: If that were really true, I'd bring you in to Show 'N' Tell.

Mrs. Carmen Mackoul: [to Annie] Did you tell a student that her parents should get divorced? When Christy Parks' mother picked her up at school today, she told her mother that you said her parents should get a divorce. Now her mother is very upset. She just left my office. What exactly did you tell Christy?

Kevin: I'm going to give them money for a hotel for a week, and you're going to get them in a more permanent place.
Lucy: I love you.
Kevin: I'm not doing this for them. I'm doing this so I can relax, and I can't relax until you relax, and you won't relax unless they get settled. Then, I can relax. See what a selfish jerk I am?

Annie: [outside the bathroom door] What are you doing in there?
Ruthie: [in the bathroom] I'm taking a bath.
Annie: Again? You already took one today.
Ruthie: I got dirty again.
Annie: There are seven people in this house, one bath a day is all you're allowed.
Ruthie: I thought cleanliness was next to godliness
Annie: Yes, but that only matters if you and God are going to be sitting on a crowded bus together.

[Matt enters the kitchen and finds Lucy and Mary staring at him]
Matt: What?
Mary: Could we borrow your Brides Magazine?
Mary,118994: [laughing]
Matt: You could, but... Why would you need to?

Annie: [to Eric] Do we fight a lot?
Rev. Eric Camden: Maybe. I don't know.
Annie: You don't know if we fight a lot?
Rev. Eric Camden: I don't know what answer won't cause a fight. Maybe I need to find a better way to communicate with you.
Annie: And maybe if I take hormones, everything will go back to normal?
Rev. Eric Camden: I didn't say that.
Annie: But you wanted to.
Rev. Eric Camden: No, I didn't. I want you to do whatever you need to do and I want us to stop fighting.
Annie: But we've always had fights, and we're always gonna fight.
Rev. Eric Camden: Well, then, maybe we need to find ways to fight that are more productive and friendly.
Annie: You're right.
Rev. Eric Camden: I honestly was just trying to help.
Annie: But I don't always need your help. I want to solve my own problems by myself.
Rev. Eric Camden: We're a team. A good team. We've always worked together and our relationship has been the better for it.
Annie: But lately, I feel the need to have things that are just mine... and I'm going to try to be nicer.
Rev. Eric Camden: And I'm going to be more considerate of your feelings.
Annie: I do love you.
Rev. Eric Camden: I love you, too.
Annie: I guess we need to show it more, huh?

Mary: [to Ruthie when she buys make-up behind her parents' back] Sooner or later, Mom and Dad are going to find out. They always do, and when they do you're gonna be in trouble. Big trouble.
Ruthie: I liked you better when you were messing up your life.

Annie: [to her former college roommate, who has made a pass at Matt and then claimed it was vice-versa] If you need a man so badly, then be the kind of woman a man needs. Because if a man your age made a pass at Mary, I'd have him arrested.

Joe: [to Sarah] It's your turn to be taken care of, and Grandma's great at taking care of people, honey. So I want you to do me a favor and let Grandma take you home for a while. I'll miss you so much. But you deserve everything... some new toys, and some pretty dresses.
Sarah: I don't need new toys or dresses! I need you!
Joe: That's why I'm going to stay here and get some help, but I don't think I'll be much good at it unless I know you're with my mom. That way, I won't worry about you.
Sarah: I love you, Daddy.

Lucy: Did you know Buddhists believe suffering is inherited in life?
Matt: Then I must be a Buddhist.

Lucy: [to Eric as he opens up Lucy's acceptance letter to seminary school] Happy birthday, Dad. I know what I want to be. I'm going to study theology and become a minister. Just like you. Well, I hope I'll be as good as you. I'm gonna try. I found out a while ago, but I wanted to save it and give it to you for your birthday. It was either that or a tie.

Leah: I'm Leah. Leah Morris.
Simon: Hi. Simon... LeBon.
Leah: Isn't that the name of the lead singer for Duran Duran?
Simon: Yeah... I-I panicked.

Mary: [to Wilson] What are you doing here?
Wilson: I'm trying to stop you from making a huge mistake.
Mary: What we had in New York stays in New York and I'm leaving New York. End of story. I want to go home.
Wilson: Yes, but do you want to go home to Robbie?
Mary: Yeah. I love him.
Wilson: No, you love me. I know you do. Come on. How many people get a second chance? This is our second chance. Don't blow it.
Mary: I'm sorry, Wilson, I'm going home and that's what you should do: to just go home and forget about me. It's over.

Martin: I never thought I'd be the victim of a hate crime. I'm white.

[Eric is banging his head against the wall]
Annie: Could you not do that, honey? I don't have time to plaster.

Lucy: [to Ruthie] I don't even want to know what Mom and Dad are going to do when they find out what you did.
Ruthie: They're gonna thank me! They didn't like people talking bad about Mary, either.
Lucy: I don't think they're going to thank you.

Ruthie: You don't know everything.
Simon: Well, I know my phone number when someone asks for it.
Ruthie: And still no one calls.

Rev. Eric Camden: [to Mary] You can't go. You just got here. You have to come see the family.
Mary: My flight was supposed to come in last night, but then it got snowed in and delayed and rerouted, and just... I have to get back for my class and work. Now I have commitments, and these days, I'm keeping my commitments.

Simon: [When Simon tackles Norton to the ground for harassing Heather] You are going to go to my house and apologize to my mother and my sister for what you did, but not before you apologize to Heather. That's my brother's friend. She's deaf, man! How could you?
Norton: I didn't know she was deaf! Lighten up!
Simon: You knew she was a person, didn't you?

Annie: [to Eric] Do you have a problem with my punishing the children without your approval?
Rev. Eric Camden: While I don't want the garage apartment for my own, I can understand why they're upset about your giving it to Mary. We don't even know if she needs it.
Annie: So? They don't know if she doesn't. Maybe she and Wilson need it.
Rev. Eric Camden: I got the feeling from Wilson that they broke up and he's just letting Mary tell us, and I gotta know why that i because it suggests the why, it won't be something we like.
Annie: What do you feel her problems are?
Rev. Eric Camden: I feel her problems are that she's irresponsible, self-centered and inconsiderate of other family members.
Annie: I think she wants to be responsible and that's something. I think it's good for her to be self-centered right now. It's good for her to focus on herself and come to love herself because that's the first step in loving others. And I don't think she's inconsiderate of other family members. On the contrary, I think other family members, including you, are inconsiderate of her and her needs at this time.
Rev. Eric Camden: So we can agree to disagree about Mary and who she is and what her future holds, but I think that Matt and Lucy and Simon and Ruthie are in agreement.
Annie: With you, and you are wrong, just like you were wrong about Nixon.
Rev. Eric Camden: [to the twins] He should have apologized.

Lucy: [to Eric] I'm sorry about tonight. I was trying to watch everyone and I shouldn't have let Simon sneak out of the house
Reverend: It's not your fault you weren't in charge of Simon. Simon is in charge of Simon.

Rev. Eric Camden: Rosina, this dish... is sensational. What do you call it?
Rosina: Peas.

David: What's up Kevin?
Sam: Hey man.

Frankie: [on the phone with Mary] Hey, your dad got us out. Thanks so much for getting him to help us.
Mary: You know, I was kind of surprised you called him.
Frankie: Yeah, well, I didn't know who else to call. After I got pregnant, my mom told me never to call her again if I got into trouble. Of course, your dad made me promise to talk to her and to a counselor, and whatever... but at least I didn't have to call her from jail, you know?
[pause]
Frankie: You are really lucky to have parents who are always there for you.

Rev. Eric Camden: [to Annie] It's going to be okay.
Annie: It's not gonna be okay! It's only gonna get worse. I'm only gonna get fatter, and older, and tireder, and fatter! Then, when I'm at my oldest and tiredest and fattest, then I have to give birth to my fattest baby ever, probably with the world record head!
Ruthie: Yeah. If you ask me, the only thing you daddies have to do to make a baby is the fun part.

[Deena is going to move away]
Eric: Well, don't you think her parents will miss her?
Simon: I just asked you to adopt my girlfriend. I'm desperate!

Lucy: [about Ruthie's pen pal] So, how did he wind up in Afghanistan?
Ruthie: He had just gotten back last September and he wasn't supposed to go anywhere for a while, but on September 11, the world changed. That's what Dwight said. He got his orders to go to Afghanistan in November and he didn't want to leave his family so soon, but that's just part of being a Marine. They go where they're needed. He left the day before Theresa's birthday and the day after the Marine Corps birthday ball. Dwight and Theresa had a great time, but then they had to say good-bye. It was sad, but sad good-byes are just part of being a Marine, too.
[Mary and Lucy look upset]
Ruthie: Hey, the Marines are tough. They can take it and their families are really brave. They have to be.

Peter: Everyone thinks Chandler and Roxanne should get married, or he should break up with that hussy.

Frankie: [on the phone with Mary] Hey, what if you and I both decided to sign up for college together next semester?
Johnny: [smirking in the background] Be sure to apply for that scholarship!
Mary: Are you serious?
Frankie: Sure, I'm serious. I don't know what I want to do, either, but I know I don't want to wait tables for the rest of my life.

[the Camdens are performing the nativity scene]
Patient: Look at them! Isn't it horrible?
Sandy: Horrible? What is so horrible about that? I think it's wonderful.
Patient: I just don't get it. Are they begging?

Ruthie: What is it with this circumcision thing?

[Annie is showing Ruthie her baby book]
Annie: See my tummy? That's you.
Ruthie: Maybe I never should have come out.
Annie: But... look what you would've missed... riding on Daddy's shoulders... and Simon rocking you on the front porch... and Mary... giving you a bath in the kitchen sink.
Ruthie: My butt was a lot smaller then.
Annie: All of our... bottoms were a lot smaller then.

Rev. Eric Camden: You have friends.
Ruthie: Uh... No, I don't.
Rev. Eric Camden: You... have friends.
Ruthie: No, I don't.

[Lucy and Ruthie are discussing make out experiences]
Annie: I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this conversation.

Kevin: You always had to have steak when you were pregnant with Savannah. We're having a baby.
Rev. Lucy Kinkirk: Listen to me... If every woman who wanted a steak was pregnant, they'd sell maternity wear at Sizzler's.

Annie: [to Ruthie] Is that the new outfit that Grandpa and Ginger sent for the boys?
Ruthie: Is that what it is? I had no idea. Hmm. Guess it was just lying around somewhere.
Annie: On the top shelf of the hall closet where we keep the rest of the baby gifts?

Simon: Who do you think you are, grabbing the phone out of my hand like that?
Ruthie: Someone who needed to make a phone call and I made it, so you can have your stupid phone back.
Simon: Isn't it a rule in this house that we have to respect each other or at least pretend to respect each other?
Ruthie: Well, no one respects me. No one even pretends to.

Kevin: I'm your coach! There's no kissing in soft ball!

Annie: [to Eric about Robbie] You need to find him a job so he can find a place to live.
Rev. Eric Camden: I'm working on it. Even Robbie's working on it.
Annie: Well, work faster. Why do you like him so much?
Rev. Eric Camden: Why do you like him so little?
Annie: If Mary finds out he's living here, there's going to be hell to pay. That's right. I said it. Hell! So get him out.

Ruthie: [as Ruthie addresses the school board] Ruthie: My name is Ruthie Camden and first, I want to say how much I like going to the Eleanor Roosevelt School. My classes are really cool and I get to do so much more than I did at my old school. I love horses and I even get to take Equestrian classes. It's like a dream come true for me. I've learned so much at this school. Last week, during science period, Miss Riddle talked to us about the spine. She taught us how important the spine is to the entire body. The spine allows you to hold your head up high. Well, I don't think I'll be able to hold my head up high in this class anymore, if this school doesn't let my friend Yasmine attend. And from what I've read about her, Eleanor Roosevelt has a really strong spine. This school is named after her and if you want to know more about her, you should read the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. It's all about freedom, justice and peace.
Rev. Eric Camden: [whispers to Annie] Out of the mouths of babes.

Ruthie: [to Mary] I must be at the wrong meeting. I don't know where all this chummy advice and gushy stuff is coming from because I thought we were all supposed to tell you how mad we are. I'm mad, really mad. You're selfish. You don't care anything about the rest of us, so I don't know why we're all supposed to care so much about you. You act like you're the center of the entire Camden universe! I'm tired of eating a cold dinner every night because we're all hoping you'll come home and eat with us. I'm tired of waking up every night when you clump up those stairs. I'm tired of Mom and Dad fighting about you. I'm tired of covering for you and I'm not doing it anymore! You made me lie to Mom and Dad; you never came home to have pizza with me like you promised. All you care about is you!

Mary: I'd really like to thank the local businessman's association for this honor, but I can't. Excellence in sports and in life to individuals we have future generations see as role models. I've never thought of myself as a role model. I go to school and get good grades. I go to basketball games and score points. But a role model, I don't think so. But there was a real role model who was supposed to receive this award with me today. But at the last minute the committee changed their minds. You all know who I'm talking about, because for the last 24 hours most of you have done nothing but talk about her. She's my friend, my teammate. She's Corey Conway. And when she was 14, she had a baby. Corey Conway is a person, not an issue. And the only statement made by celebrating her achievements is to honor that someone who didn't take the easy road in life and did what few others could have done. Finish high school... With honors... While raising a baby. I want to let you know how I feel before I bring Corey out on stage and give her my award. Because even if she's not a role model for the local businessman's association or for some of the students ate this school, she is for me.

Annie: In my heart of hearts, I know this is the right thing. This is the right thing to do.

Ruthie: [as she reads Eleanor Roosevelt] It is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself.
Mary: Sometimes it's not easy to do the right thing. It's not easy when you've done stupid things and you have to make up for them.
Ruthie: It's not easy when you do smart things either.

Annie: Ah, ah, you can run, but you can't hide.
Lucy: I'll take hiding for now. But you know Mom, technically aside from making out, I really didn't do anything wrong.
Annie: Oh, well this may sound harsh to you... to start with, you're on house probation for 3 months. Now if you an stay out of trouble for that long, I might consider letting you out the house before you turn 21. But if you so much as cross the line once... I'm going to have you low jacked, got it? Good!

Annie: But I thought you liked school.
Ruthie: I like peanut butter, but I don't want it everyday.

Lucy: [to Mike] Your mother spoke to me.
Mike: What? That's great! She spoke? That's unbelievable!
Lucy: She told me she wants you to put her in an institution. It's not great!
Mike: Why would my mom want that?
Lucy: I think the reason she hasn't been talking is because she thought that not talking to you would drive you away or make you put her away.
Mike: I don't understand.
Lucy: I think your mom blames herself for your suicide attempt and your father's death.
Mike: She said that?
Lucy: She didn't have to. A couple years ago, a friend of mine died in a car accident. She was on her way to pick me up, and the next thing I knew, she was dead, and her sister was in the hospital. I was convinced that the accident was all my fault. I was so sure that the accident was all my fault, I couldn't even bring myself to go to her funeral. I kept thinking that if she hadn't been on her way to pick me up, she'd still be alive. I felt so guilty. To be honest, even today, I still feel a little guilty.
Mike: What are you getting at?
Lucy: If my friend were alive, the one thing I would want her to hear from her is forgiveness. I would want her to tell me that it was not my fault. Maybe that's selfish, I don't know. And I know that my experience is nothing compared to what you and your mom have been through, but guilt is guilt, and guilt is a very powerful thing.

Kevin: I bought these walnuts at the store, do you think I can convince Lucy that they're really big acorns?

Reverend: [to Simon] I talked to Mrs. Jasper. Pete told his mom about the other guys and the huffing. Principals' is meeting with the boys and their parents tomorrow... Pete promised to call each of the guys and explain why he ratted them out. No one is going to think it was you.
Simon: I don't care if they do.
Reverend: Good for you.

Peter: [to Ruthie] You know I love you in a 14-year-old first crush kind of way, don't ya honey?

Matt: [to Eric] Hang in there, it's only what? Six months?
Rev. Eric Camden: Yes, son, and while I try to balance the demands of the church with those of my pregnant wife, you'll be right here sharing the misery and joy with your dear old dad.
Matt: Not if I can help it. I'm going to check out housing today, just in case they had a cancellation. I saved my money this summer.
Rev. Eric Camden: I thought you were going to get a car with your money.
Matt: Well, the way I see it, a car gets me away form the house during the day, where as a room on campus gets me away day and night. Yes, I'm still close by if I ever want to visit. Or eat. Or do laundry.
Rev. Eric Camden: Or borrow the car?
Matt: Yeah.
Rev. Eric Camden: Well, we only have two cars in this family and Mary, God help us, is going to be driving in a matter of weeks.
Matt: That still leaves one car.
Rev. Eric Camden: Yes, it leaves my car.
Matt: You saw the pants, Dad. You're not going anywhere.

Jordan: My mom's not thrilled with the idea of teenagers of the opposite sex left together in a basement unchaperoned to sleep. I think it's ridiculous. No-one's going to do anything in a crowd, and if someone wants to have sex they're going to find a way. They don't have to go to a party to do it.

Ruthie: What I need from you is a plan.
Mary: A plan?
Ruthie: Yeah, a plan. I want to do something Mom and Dad say I can't. You practically made a career of doing stuff Mom and Dad told you not to do!
Mary: And look where that got me.
Ruthie: They're not gonna send me away to Buffalo for buying make-up!

Rev. Eric Camden: [to Ruthie] So have you reconsidered my offer? 'cause if you really those walky talkies getting an allowance is the only way to go.
Ruthie: No, thank you. I don't need an allowance. I have a plan. And it's a lot easier than taking out the trash for the rest of my life.
Annie: She has a plan, should we be concerned?
Rev. Eric Camden: Not concerned, afraid. Very afraid.

Annie: [to Simon] You can't just hang out with your brother who's in college and "pick up chicks"!
Simon: Why not?
Annie: Because your mother won't let you!

Rev. Eric Camden: [Yelling at Mary] I hope that every time you even think of kissing him you think about kissing your father!

Annie: [to Frankie] What are you doing?
Frankie: What do you mean?
Annie: What are you doing with that man?
Frankie: Look, Johnny is a great husband and father.
Annie: He tried to hit you. He would have hit you if my husband hadn't stepped in.
Frankie: But I love him, okay?
Annie: Do you love Mercy?
Frankie: Of course I love her!
Annie: Then why do you keep putting her at risk? If Johnny had hit you, or if someone had called the police, you and Johnny would be in jail right now. If that happened, then what would happen to Mercy?

Rev. Eric Camden: I know how you feel, Simon, but we still need to do whatever we can to find Sarah's family.
Simon: You're on your own there, Dad. I want her.

Johnny: [Turning to his dad after learning his sentence] Daddy no! Please don't let them take me. Daddy, please! Don't let them take me! No! Daddy! Don't let them take me!

Simon: [to Carol] Shoplifting, running out on checks, sneaking into movie theaters, pinching people in line. This is not what I thought tonight was gonna be like. Look, don't take this the wrong way because I like you and you're the most beautiful girl I've ever been out with, but I don't think I can take any more surprises. I'm done. Finished. I'm not the bad boy you think I am.
[Carol leans in and kisses him passionately; he pauses]
Simon: Forget everything I just said!

[Ruthie and Simon finds a bill on the driveway]
Ruthie: I wonder who lost it.
Simon: Obviously no one in our family, this is 50 dollars!

Rev. Eric Camden: [about Mary to the Colonel] Look, Annie and I aren't happy that she's not going to college, but she's working. She's earning a living, paying her bills.
John: Who let her buy the car?
Rev. Eric Camden: No one let her. She just went out and bought it. And as much as I think she shouldn't have, that car is a responsibility that she can't run away from. She has to work hard and and keep her job because she has to pay for that car.
John: Son, to win a war you've got to fight. You got to get in there and get your hands dirty and make something happen, and you have to have a battle plan. What's your battle plan?
Rev. Eric Camden: This isn't a war.
John: Oh, it's a war all right, and a stake is Mary's future.
Rev. Eric Camden: As much as we would like to force Mary into doing what we know is best for her, we can't. She's an adult. She has to do this on her own.
John: And what if she doesn't?
Rev. Eric Camden: She will.

Charles: Hey, how'd you kids like Ginger? She's something, huh?
Annie: She's just swell, dad.

Simon: [to Ruthie, about Jack] He looks like a giant next to you. It'd look ridiculous if you dated him.

Eric: You, Lucy Camden, are an outstanding person. And if they gave out an award for the best in the human race, you would win it year after year.

Simon: Excuse me.
Johnny: Oh, hey, little buddy. Am I in your way?
Simon: It's not buddy. It's Simon Camden. You're Johnny, I presume?
Johnny: So you've heard of me. That's good. Have you also heard that this is my girlfriend Deena?
Simon: I believe that's was your girlfriend. Deena was your girlfriend. She's my girlfriend now.
Johnny: Yeah, we'll see about that, buddy.

Mary: I'm going to a fraternity party.
Lucy: Oh right! And I'm going to a rave with Johnny Depp.

Rose: I remember the first time about a girl getting kissed by a boy. He had a peppermint in his mouth and the kiss was sticky. It made me not wanna kiss a boy for years.
Annie: I bet your mom gave you the book "A Kiss in the Library." I gave that book to Mary, Lucy, and Ruthie, but unfortunately, it had the opposite effect.

Lucy: [to Mary] You met a guy at your community service program, didn't you?
Mary: Yes, I knew you wanted to know.
Lucy: No. I don't wanna know. I don't wanna know anything.
Mary: He's gorgeous and his name is Robbie.
Lucy: Great. Now I know his name.

Annie: Why isn't Simon watching Ruthie?
Ruthie: Is Simon my new mommy?

Rev. Eric Camden: [to Ruthie] You know, you could be a minister when you grow up.
Ruthie: You got Lucy. Isn't that enough?

Mary: [about Ruthie wearing a helmet] That's not funny.
Ruthie: What's not funny? Who's trying to be funny?
Mary: I'm a very good driver.
Ruthie: I'm sure you are.
Mary: Then take the helmet off.
Ruthie: It's not a helmet, it's a sports hat, kinda like a baseball cap, only for football, and it matches my shirt.
Mary: Give me a break. Take it off.

Annie: Who would leave a baby on our doorstep?
Ruthie: God.
Annie: That's sweet, but I think God had a little help on this one.

Lucy: You really want us to move?
Annie: Well, Luce, yeah, when you can.

Annie: Lately, with all the changes I've been going through I found that sometimes I'm more comfortable in the company of women. I love you, but you know, sometimes I need to talk to a woman.
Rev. Eric Camden: 2Eric: Why is that?
Annie: I don't know. Women: we're all part of a club. Rich, poor, fat, thin, happy, unhappy. We're all going through the same things and you can be a lot of things for me, but no matter how hard you try, you'll never be a woman.
Rev. Eric Camden: Never wanted to be until now.

Robbie: I think you should come home, Mary.
Mary: I'm sorry, Robbie, but I'm not ready to come home.

Matt: What's wrong?
Annie: Nothing. My own children won't call me Mama.
Matt: Mama.
Annie: [pushes him]

Ruthie: [to her parents as they are visiting Eleanor Roosevelt School] They have horses! Horses!
Mrs. Carmen Mackoul: [to Eric and Annie] The school offers both English and western style instruction.2
Ruthie: And there's no homework!
Mrs. Carmen Mackoul: We feel the children work hard during the day. At night, they should be free to relax and be kids. After all, we do have them seven hours a day. Of course, if Ruthie would like to spend time at home studying any subject beyond the core curriculum, we'll set up an individual program for her.
Ruthie: I may want to do that, considering I don't have to be at school until ten!
Mrs. Carmen Mackoul: [laughs] We have a flexible schedule. Students can start as late as ten, but then they go until five. Not every student does his or her best work early in the morning. Plus, we have a 14 to 1 student ratio and a whole list of after-school trips and projects. Last year, we took a group of students to the National Gallery in Washington, D.C. and met the President. I think that Ruthie would make a wonderful addition to our school. If you have any questions, please call.
Rev. Eric Camden,202137: Thank you.
[shakes her hand]
Mrs. Carmen Mackoul: Bye, Ruthie.
[leaves]
Ruthie: Boy, when God answers a prayer, he answers a prayer!
Rev. Eric Camden: Does that mean you want to go to school here?
Annie: Oh, yeah!

Lucy: [to Sarah and Rachel] Okay, I have been listening to you two all day, and a couple of things are clear. You both like Ruthie, and you both have a different relationship with Ruthie... which happens. Different people see different things in you, and they bring out different qualities, and...
Rachel: No offense, but if I wanted an after-school special lecture, I'd turn on my TV.

Lucy: It's not fair!
Keesha: Listen, life isn't fair, okay? Deal with it.
Lucy: I know, I'm sorry.
Keesha: You apologize more than anyone I know.
Lucy: I know. I'm sor... I mean, I know.
Keesha: If you're mad at someone, tell them. Don't just apologize for your anger.

Eric: [to Ruthie] Careful, you don't want to break Lucy's crying record.

Rev. Eric Camden: [to Robbie] I noticed your name is not on Ruthie's petition?
Robbie: No, I don't put my name on anything like that. I'm not even registered to vote.
Rev. Eric Camden: That's criminal.
Robbie: In America?
Rev. Eric Camden: In this house! Register to vote today!
Robbie: It's not voting season.
Rev. Eric Camden: Do you like living here?
Robbie: Yeah, I love living here. I just don't want to register to vote. I feel like it puts me on some government's list.
Rev. Eric Camden: You are! You are on the governments list of registered voters.

Robbie: I went out with Cheryl tonight because I was upset that you might be interested in someone else. I don't love Cheryl. I love you. I'm going to commit my life to being a man worthy of being loved by you. Happy Valentine's Day.

Jimmy: I thought you could find something you don't like about me and use it as a reason to keep Lucy from seeing me.
Rev. Eric Camden: Oh, so she could be mad at me instead of being mad at you?
Jimmy: An unintentional but admittedly fortunate biproduct.

Lucy: [after Eric is shot] I just wish somebody would have told me what was going on.
Simon: Mom and Dad were hoping they wouldn't have to scare the rest of the family. Besides, what would you have done anyway?
Ruthie: Well, for one thing, I wouldn't have been running around yelling "Ba-Boom!"

Ruthie: [to Mary] So, did you really have...
Mary: No, I didn't have sexual relations with anyone! Not that anybody would believe me. It's just like old times. Something happens and everyone just assumes that I did it because I'm bad. Bad Mary. Bad seed. No good. Always hurting somebody. I knew I shouldn't have come home. I knew that coming back here for the summer was a mistake. I knew people wouldn't give me a chance, forget my past and see how much I've changed.

John: You know that Moon boy's growing on me.
Ruth: Good because the other boy's got something growing on him
Lucy: It's a moustache don't be seduced by it.

Simon: Ruthie... how ya doing?
Ruthie: Fine, how are you doing?
Simon: Fine... but I'm not in school.
Ruthie: ...bye.
Simon: Wait... how is school?
Ruthie: Fine, except for algerbra.
Simon: You're lying... no one said anything to you about me?
Ruthie: Well, why would they?
Simon: Becase I'm your brother and... the kid on the bike was your age.
Ruthie: He didn't go to my school.
Simon: Look, you don't have to protect me. I have it easier than you, I'm not in school.
Ruthie: [hugs him] Simon, no one has it harder than you.

Chandler: When you call me Napoleon it hurts my feelings!

Annie: You stole $500 from your own brothers? From babies?
Ruthie: I'm sorry, it's all my fault. Punish me any way you like.
Matt: What's going on?
Rev. Eric Camden: What do you think is going on? Your 10-year-old sister is lying about stealing money so the rest of you can cover for Mary.
Annie: Is that it? Is that the truth?
Ruthie: No! You're wrong! I took it. I'm very bad. I'm a very bad girl.
Matt: No, Ruthie. I'm a very bad big brother for letting this happen.

Dr. Hank Hastings: Julie and I are not in a fight. We're in total agreement. We both want a divorce.
Rev. Eric Camden: Divorce?
Dr. Hank Hastings: Julie and I are getting a divorce. So if you'll excuse me, I have patients.

Meredith: Oh my god, that cheap hoochie mama!

Rev. Eric Camden: [to Eric about Guy] He is kind of cute and charming.
Rev. Eric Camden: Um, did you say cute?
Annie: Uh, yes, cute. That could be a problem, though.
Rev. Eric Camden: What kind of problem?
Annie: We have two teenage girls in this house!

Simon: What was that?
Mary: Tuna helper.
Simon: So you were supposed to put tuna in it.
Lucy: He's right. It was just the helper.
Mary: [pauses] We were supposed to add the tuna?

Randy: Your chick is really drag.
Jimmy: At least I've got one.

Ruthie: I also want an apology for all that stuff she did last year when she got kicked out.
Lucy: I don't think you're gonna get that. I don't think any of us are going to get that. I think we just have to accept Mary for Mary.

Lucy: [to Ruthie] If you got into that school, you should be honored. You should go.
Ruthie: No, I will not go! You cannot make me! I'm just going to run away.
Lucy: If you run away, you'll still have to make all new friends.
Ruthie: No, I won't. My friend Sarah will come with me and we'll join the circus, and when we're old enough we'll marry clowns!
Lucy: You have put way too much thought into this whole thing.
Ruthie: Why has God forsaken me? Why?

Mary: [to her siblings] You know, it's one thing to criticize Mom and Dad for the way they act, or the way they dress, but it's another thing to criticize them because they're having a couple little babies. I mean, those babies deserve all the love and respect we can give them, because that's all Mom and Dad have ever given us.

Mary: [to Frankie] Is that... Is that pot?
Frankie: Yeah. I just need it to loosen up. This whole mother and wife gig really sucks.

Rev. Eric Camden: [to Ruthie] What's new?
Ruthie: Nothing really. I'm just a couple of years away from puberty. I'm pre-puberty, prepubescent, they call it. So, I'm going to be going through some changes.
Rev. Eric Camden: Yes, you are. And I hope you know that whatever changes you're experiencing, that you can talk to me about them. Changes can be very exciting. Changes can be scary and sometimes we have very little control over the changes we experience. None, really. Except the way we react to those changes and controlling our reactions require a lot of conscious effort. So, we don't want to get too stressed out. We just have to stand back, observe what's going on, go with the flow, live life from moment to moment, doing the best we can do for who we are.
Ruthie: That's deep. Are we talking about you or me?
Rev. Eric Camden: Everything pretty much. Do you have any questions?
Ruthie: Maybe later.

Annie: You're never too old or too cool to do what your mother tells you.

Kevin: Should I give her that stuff that makes her throw up?
Rev. Eric Camden: What stuff?
Kevin: I don't know... I don't think we have any.

Mrs. Mosely: Amen!
Simon: Amen!

Simon: [to Ruthie] Just in case what isn't better?
Ruthie: My morning sickness.
Simon: Oh, give it up already.
Ruthie: MOMMY!
Rev. Eric Camden: Simon, be nicer to your sister. This isn't easy on her and she's just a little girl.
Simon: You say it like it's a weakness or something.

Annie: [to Mrs. Mackoul] I can't thank you enough for giving me this opportunity to work here, doing something important. It's been rewarding and interesting and fun...
Mrs. Carmen Mackoul: But you don't want to do it anymore?
Annie: No, sorry.
Mrs. Carmen Mackoul: Well, the funny thing is, I was going to ask you to come on full-time. With everything going on in the world, parents want the added security of a private school and we've had so many requests that we're expanding. We need more teachers.
Annie: I appreciate the implied offer, but I can't. Thank you.

Annie: Hey, Simon, no fighting while I'm gone.
Simon: Okay. We'll wait til you get back.

Simon: [about the twins' crying] You know, they could have colic. Results in constant, uncontrollable crying. It's enough to make any parent feel like a failure.
Annie: [whispers to Eric] Make him leave.
Rev. Eric Camden: [to Simon] Colic doesn't generally come until after the first month, and before you go around making any more observations, why don't you take care of your sister and your dog like we asked you to, because one of them ran away and one of them peed on the kitchen floor.
Simon: Fine. But it takes a village, my friend!

Frankie: It just seems so unfair. You make one little mistake, you know?
Mary: Yeah, I know. I made a big mistake once, too. I got arrested last year for trashing the school gym.
Frankie: [laughs] Arrested? You?
Mary: Yeah. I'm still on probation.
Frankie: Oh, so that's why you don't drink or smoke or anything.
Mary: Yeah, kind of... but also because I feel so out of control, anyway, like I couldn't get my life back on track even if I wanted to. Not that I want to... I mean, it's not so bad, but it's just...
Frankie: Existing. Just existing. I know what you mean. Every time I make an effort to do something, it just feels like there's so much resistance... and I give up before I even start trying.

Simon: It's not like I hurt anyone.
Annie: I don't care. It's an incredible rude and vulgar gesture that should never be shown in public or anywhere else for that matter. You're lucky you still have those fingers!
Simon: My friends and I do that kind of things to each other all the time, and no one cares. It's... It's a guy thing.
Annie: It is not a guy thing.
Simon: How would you know?
Rev. Eric Camden: You know, I'll admit that there was an unfortunate element of bad timing at work. On the other hand you know, your mom and I aren't fans of that particular gesture. I's disrespectful. It's rude and obscene.
Simon: But I was just hanging out. Being one of the guys.
Rev. Eric Camden: I get it. I really do. There's something great about hanging out with just the guys you know, as long as being one of the guys doesn't mean being swayed by the guys. 'Cause for some reason a lot of guys do really stupid things when they're with the other guys, you know? Things that they wouldn't even think of doing if they were alone. And I just don't want you to lose your great ability to think and make decisions for yourself.

Coach: I understand that some of this has to do with "senioritus". I don't care. You were told in no uncertain terms that your studies were the priority and your grades had to show immediate improvement. Unfortunately, these reports show that they haven't. Now, I don't know if you didn't have an understanding of just how serious I was, or if you didn't have time to study. But now, you have both.
[locks the gym doors]
Elaine: Practice is cancelled?
Coach: You are students here who play basketball. You're not basketball players who show up to classes whenever the mood strikes. Until you proven that you understand that by bringing your grades up, this season and this team are cancelled!
Mary: You can't do that!

Mary: I knew the choices I was making was wrong and I did it anyway... and I am sorry. I am sorry that I did it, and I am sorry for the way I've been acting, and I am sorry for everything that everyone has gone through because of me. And it kills me to know that sorry doesn't make a difference, and that it doesn't undo what I did, and it doesn't make my family like me again.
Rev. Eric Camden: Hold on...
Mary: Look, I know you love me. But how could you like me? I don't even like myself, and I don't know what to do to make things better

Lucy: [to Ruthie] You told your principal that I have a learning disability, Simon doesn't talk, Matt lives in his car, Dad lost his job and Mom drinks? And how am I responsible for this?
Ruthie: Your friend Mike. He said that if people felt sorry for us, then they'd stop gossiping about Mary. So that's what I did to make people feel sorry for us.
Lucy: Well, you made your principal feel sorry for us.
Ruthie: No, just like Mike said, I told someone in authority, someone people listen to. Mrs. McCool will tell other people. It'll work.
Lucy: I notice that you didn't tell your principal that you have any problems.
Ruthie: My problem is that I have you guys for a family!

Joy: [to Robbie] Do you think the Camdens will like me?
Robbie: Most of them, yeah.

David: I like girls who are a little bit fat.

Mary: I heard what you did tonight and I'm really proud of you, Ruthie.
Ruthie: Yeah. Mom and Dad told me about a billion times already. Big deal.
Lucy: What you did was really amazing, so don't think that it's not. You stood up for someone who was being discriminated against because of her religion and that's a big deal. A very big deal. The biggest!
Ruthie: Yeah, and look where it got me. Now I have to change schools.
Mary: Look, Ruthie, I know how much you like private school and nobody would think badly of you if you don't go through with it, if you don't want to.
Ruthie: I don't want to, but I think it's something I have to do. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "It is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself." I think I have to bite the bullet.

Robbie: [to Simon] You're not going out with a pregnant girl.
Simon: Why not?
Robbie: Why? Because you feel sorry for her. Dating is difficult enough without dating someone who's got a complicated life. And you're too young for those complications. Way too young.

Chandler: And as you get to know each other, your love will grow stronger... Stronger than French fries.

Rev. Eric Camden: [to Ruthie] Actually, your principal called this morning, and you're not in any trouble. He thinks he may have found a way to get you out of Miss Riddle's class.
Ruthie: Thank God!
Rev. Eric Camden: What did you say?
Ruthie: Thank God. You should thank God. I talked to God and told him how unhappy I was at school, and asked Him to help.
Rev. Eric Camden: You prayed to get out of Miss Riddle's class?
Ruthie: If you don't ask, you don't get. I just thought you and Mom could use some help.

Mary: Don't break my heart.
Robbie: Don't break my jaw.
Mary: Don't break my heart and I'll have no reason to break your jaw.

Ruthie: You've got money, you've got new clothes, and women are unexplainably attracted to you. Are you Spiderman or something?

Mary: [to Eric as he's feeding Sam and David] Where's Mom?
Rev. Eric Camden: I am perfectly capable of feeding my own sons. I do it all the time! I have fed my children for over 21 years now. True, for many of them, your mom cooked most of those meals while I was out earning the money to pay for those meals, but from time to time, I have fed one of my offspring or all of my offspring, just as I am doing now without the aid of Mom!
Mary: I'm just looking for Mom because she asked me to pick up some soap for her.
Rev. Eric Camden: Oh. She's upstairs.

Ruthie: [to Lucy and Robbie] By the power invested in me by me, I now pronounce you a couple. You may now kiss your ex-girlfriend's sister.

Rev. Eric Camden: [to himself about Annie] Why don't you just take your hormones and go drive someone else crazy besides me?
Annie: I heard that!

Mary: I'm not seeing anyone, but in the interest of not lying by omission, there's a guy who's also doing community service that I talk to, but he's just a guy. And doing community service together can hardly be considered seeing someone.
Reverend: Yeah.
Mary: And besides, why does punishment always have to be a bad thing?
Reverend: Um... because it's punishment.

[Eric is tucking his youngest sons in to bed]
Eric: I love you guys.
Sam: I love Spiderman.
David: I love Batman.
Eric: I love Batman too.
Sam: What about Spiderman?
Eric: I love him too.
David: Which do you love more?
Eric: ...Batman.
David: Why?
Eric: I have no idea. Good night boys.
[tucks the boys in and steps into the hall]
Eric: That was the best conversation I had all day.

Serena: [to Annie] You know, just because you bake cookies and make lunches and drive a carpool does not make you better than me. It does not mean you're a better mother! I am a good mother, too!
Annie: This isn't about us! This is about you and your daughter. It's about you growing up and acting your age. This is about you being an adult so she can be a child. It's about parenthood and it has nothing to do with cookies, and everything to do with raising children! Helping them find their way, loving them, and putting their needs first. How is your daughter supposed to learn how to be a mother if you won't be a mother to her?

Simon: [to Mick] Those guy are losers, man. You know that.
Mick: Yeah, I know that. That's why I'm gonna blow 'em away.
Simon: I beg your pardon?
Mick: Hey, you said it yourself, right? I mean one day, they're gonna push me too far and I'm gonna blow 'em away.
Simon: But you don't mean that?
Mick: Yeah... I do. I can't take it anymore.

[Eric and Annie makes out as Simon enters]
Rev. Eric Camden: [to Simon] You know, it's polite to knock.
Simon: If you're gonna make out on top of the desk it's polite to lock the door.

Pete: [to Simon when he visits him in the hospital] Just go away.
Simon: I can't.
Pete: Why?
Simon: Because your mom thinks I did this to you.
Pete: Yeah. I let her think that.
Simon: I know. And it's okay. You must have been scared, and you had to tell your mom something. When you're feeling better, you can tell her the truth.
Pete: If I do, I'll get all my friends in trouble.
Simon: And that's better than getting one innocent guy in trouble. Look, under normal circumstances, I wouldn't mind taking the wrap for a friend, but you and your buddies have to stop huffing, or eventually, they're gonna end up just like you, or maybe even worse.

Lucy: [to Annie] Why are you set against Dad helping Serena?
Annie: I don't wanna talk about it.
Lucy: I know I am only 18 and still your child, but I would be grateful if you would treat me like a friend and a woman in this situation and honestly tell me what's going on.
Annie: I'd like to, but I can't.
Lucy: Why, because you're wrong?
Annie: Well, helping people can be complicated. That's why your dad is always warning us to be harmless instead of helpful.
Lucy: I should pay attention to that. It's probably one of the lessons I have to learn over and over.
Annie: When you're older, you and I will be adult friends and we can talk about everything, but not yet.
Lucy: That's fine with me. Just please know I am always on your side.

Mary: Upstairs. The three of you. We need to talk.
Ruthie: Who squealed?
Simon: It wasn't me.
Ruthie: Lucy. Big surprise. Hey, where's the pregnant chick who stole Matt's car?
Annie: Kitchen. And show some respect.

Rosina: No, no, eat! Don't let the fact that my heart is breaking stop you!
Rabbi: Can I help it that while your heart is breaking my stomach is growling?

Lucy: [When Lucy goes to a support group after her friend's death] My friend was killed in a car accident. Her sister was with her. She was injured and now I don't know what to say to my friend's sister.
Counselor: What did people say to you that was comforting?
Wilson: Actually, we talk a lot about what people say that doesn't comfort you at all.
Young: You'll see her again when you die.
Young: He's resting now. I was seven. I thought it meant that when my dad rested enough, he'd come back. It totally spooked me.
Young Woman #2: It was meant to be. That's my favorite.
Young: Meant to be. I mean, what is that? My brother was meant to get shot?
Lucy: Is there anything anybody can say?
Wilson: Maybe the truth. Things like "This totally sucks."
Young: That's what I wanted to say out loud at the funeral, but I couldn't because nobody would have understood. That and "I'm glad it wasn't me." It sounds selfish, but I'm glad to be alive. I've got a lot of things I want to do with my life.

Ruthie: Who ratted on me?
Annie: Uhm... Your brothers and sisters, the police, three neighbors, and the mailman.
Ruthie: That's what I figured.

Mary: What happened?
Lucy: You made me lie to Mom and Dad! I lied and lied and lied. I wove a twisted web of lies and deceit and walked a tightrope on it all night long. Are they standing right behind me?

Rev. Eric Camden: Did you guys know what would happen if you didn't get your grades up?
Mary: [reluctantly] Yeah.
Rev. Eric Camden: Well, then, for now, I support this lockout.
Mary: What?
Annie: I'm sorry, kiddo, but your coach didn't screw up. You did.

Rev. Eric Camden: Guy, this is Ruthie.
Guy: Bonjour, Rutie.
Ruthie: This is America. Speak English!

Ruthie: [to Eric] Can I have that really big, really cool make-up kit that's on sale at the department store?
Rev. Eric Camden: The one you asked about yesterday?
[Ruthie nods her head]
Rev. Eric Camden: No. You're too young to wear make-up.
Ruthie: But my friend Rachel gets to wear make-up!
Rev. Eric Camden: You have a 10-year-old friend who wears make-up?
Ruthie: Just blush and lipstick. Her parents don't think she's too young. Her mom bought her that make-up kit.
Rev. Eric Camden: Sorry. No make-up.
Ruthie: Thanks for nothing!
[storms off]
Rev. Eric Camden: [sighs] Parenting really is its own reward.

Annie: I ordered finger food so we could eat it with our hands! Won't that be fun?

Annie: I'm losing a son-in-law whom I love and adore, and I'm getting... Rose?

Lucy: [about Ashley's mother] You just don't like her because she doesn't bake pies or go to church socials or make lunches!
Annie: That's not true.
Lucy: She's fun. I like her. What's wrong with that?
Annie: Serena's funness isn't the problem!
Lucy: So are you saying I can't go?
Annie: You know, you're gonna be graduating soon and making your own decisions and I won't be there to help you with that. Should you or shouldn't you go where or when. So, from now on, I think it's best if you start making your own decisions.
Lucy: If the choice is mine, then I'm going.

Matt: This is a freak show! A freak show! And all of you are guilty of paying to see the freak.
Annie: Matt, maybe you should...
Rev. Eric Camden: Go see that psychiatrist again.

Cecilia: [on the phone with Mac] I'm gonna make you go out with... Pampers!
George: Pampers?

Julie: This was a mistake. I'm never leaving Erica again, ever!
Mary: Please don't say that.
Dr. Hank Hastings: We come home, the house is a mess, the baby is a mess, there's another baby here we don't even know. You had guests over after we told you not to, and you were drinking. What is wrong with you?

Mary: Is there a law against beating up you brother? Cause I swear, I'll get arrested.

Annie: I wonder who Robbie could be going out with.
Ruthie: Whoever it is, it's not Mary.
Rev. Eric Camden: But this is a good thing, right?
Simon: I think it was a good thing until we started liking him, now I'm not so sure.
Lucy: So what are we going to do?
Rev. Eric Camden: There's nothing I think we can do.
Annie: There's plenty we can do. We're Camdens.

Simon: This isn't Mary. I'm her brother Simon.
Credit: Well, when Mary gets in, would you tell her that if she doesn't pay these bills immediately, we will involve the local authorities
Simon: Wait, you mean the police?
Credit: Yes. You can't just charge for merchandise and not pay your bills; there are laws. And if we have to, we'll enforce those laws to recoup our losses.

Mary: [to Eric about Frankie and Johnny] They are good people. They're both working and they're trying to raise this kid, and it's really hard...
Rev. Eric Camden: So hard that they have to smoke pot?

Ashley: Mom, can you grow up and act your age for just once?
Serena: You cannot talk to me like that. I am your mother!
Ashley: My mother? I thought I was your best friend. Which one is it? Mother or best friend?
Serena: Can't I be both?
Ashley: No! Because I want a mother who tells me what to do. A mother who tells me to do my homework, to go to bed. I want a mother with her own life, her own friends. I don't want a mother who makes a fool of herself, flirting around with some guy who's half her age! I know it isn't all about me, but why does it have to be all about you?

Sarah: We're having twins! Boys!

Mike: [to his mother] I need to talk to you and I need for you to really hear me. I'm not putting you in a hospital. Not now, not ever. If you won't talk to me for the rest of my life, I still won't ever do that. I love you unconditionally, forever, and nothing you do will ever change that.
[long pause]
Mike: Mom, Dad did what Dad did. He killed himself. He did it. Not me, not you. He made the decision and just did it. It wasn't your fault. He had problems, and he chose death as a solution. It was a bad solution. Actually, it's no solution. Death solves nothing. It only leaves pain and torment for everyone you leave behind. Dad was selfish and it was wrong. I know this because I was selfish. I was wrong. I tried death myself. I tried it. I tried to end my life. Me, not you. Me. I took the pills. I drank the vodka. I locked the door and I waited to die. I gave up on life. Me. Not you! I failed. I, I, I! Not Dad, not you, not anyone. I thought giving up would be easier than getting over Dad. I was wrong and it was not in your power to stop me. I'm sorry, but that's the truth. I have free will. I just exercised it in the wrong direction. I want to see you embrace life and stop feeling badly. You've done nothing but be a great mom. I'm so lucky to have you in my life.
Mrs. Pierce: [long pause] So... you forgive me?
Mike: There's nothing to forgive. You didn't do anything but love me and Dad!

Rev. Eric Camden: [knocking on Matt's door]
Matt: Who is it?
Rev. Eric Camden: Pants.
Matt: Pants who?
Rev. Eric Camden: Pants daddy.

Lucy: I got all this fun senior stuff coming up. Valentine's, Senior Prom, Graduation. I want a guy for all that.
Rev. Eric Camden: What are you going to do while you wait for the guy?
Lucy: Well, I got classes, friends, family, Habitat for Humanity...
Rev. Eric Camden: Right. Luce, you got a life with or without a guy. When you do get a guy, he'll be the luckiest guy in the world because he's got you.
Lucy: Thanks.

Mary: I am still crazy, irresponsible, bad Mary and after all this time, I don't think I learned squat. What's it gonna take to get my life in order, huh, Luce?
Lucy: I don't know, but whatever it takes for us all to get our lives in order, I'm pretty sure we can get it right here at home.

Lucy: You're right. They're not officially engaged, but if they get married before us, you're a dead man and they won't have to get me a jury because I'll proudly plead guilty.

[as Annie bangs her head into a wall after being told her father is remarrying]
Eric: Honey, honey, not now. I-I don't know how to plaster.

[Picking up a Hello Kitty plush toy]
Matt: As kitty as my witness, I will never have a Valentine's Day like this again.

David: Is Martin black?

Patricia: Did we just have a conversation?
Rev. Morgan Hamilton: [chuckles] Yeah. I've been spending way too much time with Eric.

Annie: [to Eric] Lately, with all the changes I've been going through I found that sometimes I'm more comfortable in the company of women. I love you, but you know, sometimes I need to talk to a woman.
Rev. Eric Camden: Why is that?
Annie: I don't know. Women: we're all part of a club. Rich, poor, fat, thin, happy, unhappy, we're all going through the same things. And you can be a lot of things for me, but no matter how hard you try, you'll never be a woman.
Rev. Eric Camden: Never wanted to be until now, but I get your point. You and me, we're okay?
Matt: We're better than okay.
Matt: [to Eric and Annie] I'm gonna be... a gynecologist.
Rev. Eric Camden: Well, he does love women.

Sheila: [approaches Lucy angrily with two other girls] Hey, Camden, you better meet me by the bus after school.
Lucy: I'm not meeting anyone anywhere.
Sheila: Okay, but if I were you, I wouldn't plan on taking the bus this afternoon.
Lucy: You know, I don't like being threatened.
Sheila: Oh yeah? And what are you gonna do about it?
Lucy: I don't know, but you can all stop following me around, because I'm older than you are, I'm smarter than you are, and I'm tougher than you are!
Sheila: No, you're not.
Lucy: Okay.
[pauses]
Lucy: Well, my sister is. So just watch it, the three of you!

Lucy: [to her parents] You have to help me. I don't want to work in the attendance office tomorrow!
Annie: Well, maybe you shouldn't have volunteered.
Lucy: But at the time I volunteered, I didn't realize I'd have to give up my study hall. I thought it was before school or something. I need my study hall!
Rev. Eric Camden: To study?
Lucy: Yeah, sure. Plus, it's the only time I have before lunch to catch up with my friends and re-touch my makeup.
[long pause, Eric and Annie are baffled]
Lucy: So you're not going to help me?

Sam: We have on two underwear.
Annie: Why?
David: We forgot to take off last night's underwear.
Sam: And we put on new underwear this morning.

Ruthie: I have to go. Sam is trying to put David in the dryer.

Patient: [Discussing the nativity scene with Sandy] Come on... The wise men are real? What guy do you know would walk for days to go see a new born baby and take him a gift? Have you ever even seen a guy at a baby shower?

Annie: Great husbands don't smoke pot, cheat, hit their wives. Open your eyes, Frankie, and see who you're really married to before it's too late.

Rev. Eric Camden: Matt, you're seventeen, and she's... I don't know what she is.

Annie: I'm quitting school.
Rev. Eric Camden: What?
Annie: I'm quitting school. No more college.
Rev. Eric Camden: I didn't know how much teaching meant to you.
Annie: Well, it's not the teaching really. It's being around kids. You know how much I've always loved having children in my life, working with them, helping them. You know, in a couple of years Sam and David... they'll be in school.
Rev. Eric Camden: I'll help. I've always supported you in whatever you wanted to do. I love you. I want you to be happy.
Annie: I want to be happy, too.

Annie: I'm quitting school.
Rev. Eric Camden: What?
Annie: I'm quitting school. No more college.
Rev. Eric Camden: I didn't know how much teaching meant to you.
Annie: Well, it's not the teaching really. It's being around kids. You know how much I've always loved having children in my life, working with them, helping them. You know, in a couple of years, Sam and David... they'll be in school. Ruthie's doing great, Simon's in high school, Robbie and Lucy are in college, Mary's in New York and Matt's going off to medical school, So our kids need me, but they don't need me. If I teach every year, I'll have a new batch of kids who I'll need to help the way I helped our kids. It's the perfect job for me. All I have to do is take what I've been doing at home for the last 20 years and put it in the classroom. I can do it. I think I'll be good at it.
Rev. Eric Camden: I'll help. I've always supported you in whatever you wanted to do. I love you. I want you to be happy.
Annie: I want to be happy too.

Matt: Yeah, I think you better take a seat now, Mr Muslim Hater.
Daniel: What did you say?
Patient: He called you a Muslim hater.

Annie: I don't know what's going on with me.
Rev. Eric Camden: Annie, you're going be fine. Everything is going to be okay.
Annie: You don't know that. All we know is that everything is going to change!
Rev. Eric Camden: [to himself] Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.

Ruthie: It's just like old times. Here we are again, lying for Mary.

[Doorbell rings]
Rev. Eric Camden: I'll get it! I'll get it! I got it!

Martin: Maybe someday I'll marry a girl with a lot of brothers and sisters.
Ruthie: Yeah, maybe you will.

Annie: I am who I am, and that's who I am!
Rev. Eric Camden: You're Popeye the sailor man, toot-toot!

Charles: [to Eric] Annie has a sister.
[to Annie]
Charles: I know this must change the way you look at me.
Annie: Yes, maybe it does. Maybe it's the first time I've looked at you as a person and not just my father and I love you more than ever for always trying to do the right thing because really that's the only way to live without... regret.

Mary: [to Eric] If you're not going to help them, I'll help them.
Rev. Eric Camden: How? You don't have a job, you don't have any money. You have to help yourself before you can help anyone else!

Simon: She's going to be the hardest to leave and the hardest to hang on to because she's Ruthie and she's 13 and she's got a boyfriend. And while she understands that I want to leave the rest of the family, she doesn't understand how I can leave her but I don't think she'll hold it against me, she won't have the time to hold it against me. She's emerging from childhood to adulthood full speed ahead with thoughtful intelligence, a great sense of humor, and a high self esteem. I'd like to think I had something to do with how great she's turned out so far and I hope to remain a positive influence in her life, but here's the thing - I know she feels my pain, we're that close. And as hard as it is, I really do think it's best to put a little distance between us right now because I would never forgive myself if I put any rain on Ruthie's parade, and truthfully I know she will be just fine without me.

Simon: [about his earring] But if I take it out, the hole will close up!
Reverend: Exactly!
Simon: That's not fair. Why can't I keep the earring?
Ruthie: Because you look like a girl!
Annie: You went out of the house tonight without our permission. You went to the house of someone we don't know and have never met. At that house you allowed that someone we don't know to pierce your ear.
Reverend: Be grateful that the only thing we're doing is making you take out your earring out.
Simon: Fine!

Rose: [Discussing the nativity scene with Sandy] Come on... The wise men are real? What guy do you know would walk for days to go see a new born baby and take him a gift? Have you ever even seen a guy at a baby shower?

Lucy: [to Annie] How did you learn to be so cruel?
Annie: It's in the "Mommy Manual" between crafts and cuddling.

Reverend: [to Mary] Hey, do you wanna tell me anything?
Mary: Not really.
Reverend: Sometimes when someone leaves out information that absence could be considered a lie by omission.
Mary: Am I that someone?
Reverend: I thought we agreed that you couldn't see anyone while you were on restriction.
Mary: I'm not seeing anyone. But in the interest of not lying by omission there's a guy who's also doing community service that I talk to. But he is just a guy. And doing community service together can hardly be considered seeing anyone. And, besides, why does punishment always have to be a bad thing?
Reverend: Well... because it's punishment... does this guy have a name?
Mary: Yes, he has a wonderful name. Robbie Palmer. Now I have to go or I'll be late.

Annie: Taste this ice cream. I mean, think of all the beautiful cows who were grazing in the meadow and then just walked into the barn to get milked.
Ruthie: And think of the beef cows who wind up in the slaughterhouse being put down by a stun gun.

Professor: [to Matt's college class] Here's the good news. This was just a practice test to help you prepare for the midterm. It doesn't count. Here's the bad news. Half of you didn't pass. The other half barely passed. Oh, here's some more bad news. The midterm is in two weeks, so if you don't know the material by now, when are you going to learn it? What does this all mean? For those of you who are taking organic chemistry as a requirement for pre-med, you may want to double major in pre-law, because if you don't understand chemistry, you're going to be a doctor who's gonna need a lawyer. Just wanting to be a doctor isn't good enough. You have to study hard, you have to work hard, and you have to get through this class. Class is dismissed... for some of you, I think permanently!

Lucy: [to Ruthie] I want to read what's in that diary.
Ruthie: And I want to win a million bucks. Not gonna happen.

Rev. Eric Camden: The flight?
Carlos: Nice. They gave me nuts.

Annie: Life is not a competition, Lucy, but if it were you would be a winner.
Lucy: That was incredibly insincere.
Annie: I know, I'm tired.

[as Eric bangs his head into a wall during a visit from both of their parents]
Annie: Honey, honey, not now. I don't have time to plaster.

Matt: I'm not attracted to this girl.
Eric: Right...
Lucy: Why not?
Matt: There's no reason why, I'm just not.
Simon: I don't believe you.
Matt: I'm not attracted to every woman I see.
Simon: Yes you are.

John: [to Mary] Hi. You know, if you spent as much time at school as you do with that boyfriend of yours, you would now have one year of college under your belt, instead of just a couple of courses.
Mary: I know, but I'm not sure if college is my goal.
John: What is your goal? Marriage?
Mary: Maybe. We're thinking about it.
John: I think Wilson is a fine young man and a good father to his son and you would be a good wife and mother if that's what you decide you want.
Mary: But?
John: But let's say you marry and God forbid, something happens to Wilson. Would you be able to support little Billy? Now this is not the first time you thought about this, right? You know, I think a college education offers more opportunities for employment, but you're not interested in college. Maybe you should try public service. Public service is a wonderful way to serve your country and support your family. And my dear, it seems very clear that you are about to have your own family. So let's not waste any time on trying to figure out who we are and what we want to do. You are the future Mrs. Wilson West, mother to Billy West. Get a job at the end of the week.

Simon: Great. Now everyone will know me as the Virgin Camden. Thanks Mom. Thanks a lot.
[Bangs head on table]

Jimmy: If the machine's on it's because I'm watching the Twilight Zone marathon.

Simon: There's a horse sticking its head in our kitchen window, isn't there?

Sam: Oh, food, glorious food!

John: [to Ruthie about Sergeant Morgan's death] I didn't want you to hear it on the news, hon. I wanted to come and tell you myself, face-to-face.
Ruthie: Well, who's gonna tell Sergeant Morgan's wife? Who's gonna tell Theresa? And who's gonna explain it to their son Alex? Alex is only five years old! That little boy's probably never even heard of Afghanistan!
John: No, probably not, but I'm pretty sure he has heard of the United States of America. That's the country his father died for. The United States of America, and he died in an effort to keep freedom alive for his son and his wife, and all his family, and for all the sons and daughters and mothers and fathers in this country. He died for me and he died for you.
Ruthie: But I didn't want him to die.
John: He was a Marine. He died with honor.

Ruthie: It's old news, really. Very old news. I mean, it probably doesn't even matter anymore. Remember when Matt took Sarah on their first date, and they stayed out all night, and came home with that lame cover story about how they stayed up all night talking and decided to get married?
Annie: Yeah.
Ruthie: They were already married. They got married on their first date.
Rev. Lucy Kinkirk: And they told you?

Rev. Eric Camden: [to Mary] Have you ever tried smoking marijuana?
Mary: Well, even if I did, what is so wrong with experimenting? I mean, what's the harm in just trying it? Everybody's gonna try it sometime.
Rev. Eric Camden: Well, first of all, not everyone. Not me, for example. And secondly, let me see if I can answer the "what's the harm" question. I suppose for some people, nothing ever comes from the fact that they tried smoking pot, but for other people, plenty comes from the fact that they tried smoking pot. Lifelong, illegal habits. The need to try other, harder drugs. Addiction to those drugs. Arrest. Conviction. Jail time. Those kinds of things. The question really is, to which people do you belong? There's no way of knowing. But "experimenting" to find out? That's quite a risk, don't you think? I think it is, especially for someone who's on probation.

Rev. Eric Camden: Your hair looks nice, Luce.
Lucy: Nice or... sexy?
Rev. Eric Camden: Nice, definitely nice. If my 13-year-old daughter had sexy hair, I'd shave her head.

John: You call that a plan? That's the most Harebrained scheme I've ever heard!
Rev. Eric Camden: Well, gee, I thought it was pretty creative.
John: Am I the only one in this room that thinks this idea is ridiculous?
Annie: I... I kinda like it.
Julie: I think it'll solve everything.
Ruth: I'm all for it. I'm thrilled!
John: You're thrilled? We adopted George. We are not adopting his father!
Det. Will Grayson: Well, who asked you to? I'm not nuts about this idea either! I don't want to be anywhere near this blowhard!
John: Mister! Mickey Mouse called me that once, and I fed him his three-fingered glove!
Det. Will Grayson: Huh?

Annie: You may be weird, but at least you'll all be my honest little weirdos.

Simon: My life would be easier without you in it.
Rev. Camden: You don't mean that.
Simon: Yeah. I think I do.

Wilson 'Billy' West Jr.: [to Mary] Can I call you "Mommy"?
Mary: I...
Wilson 'Billy' West Jr.: Just for today. We don't have to tell Daddy.
Mary: I think you better just call me Mary.
Wilson 'Billy' West Jr.: Okay, but when can we call you "Mommy"? Because I never had a mommy and I want a mommy.

Lucy: If God didn't want me to have that ring, he wouldn't have had Jeremy give it to me.
Ruthie: You're actually going to invoke the name of God as the cause for your insanity?
Lucy: Doesn't everyone?

Mary: I think I've forgot everything I learned in school.
Lucy: That's what PBS is for.
Mary: Who's that?

Eric: Chandler, it seems, has taken to fatherhood like a duck takes to... hockey.

Eric: Well, the wind is real, but you can't see the wind. You know, you can only see the leaves rustling in the trees. Pain is real but you can't see pain. You can only see tears. Happiness is real, but you can't see happiness. You can only see the smile on someone's face.

Ruthie: What are we talking about?
Martin: That girl in school - Meredith. The one who's going to marry Harry.
Ruthie: Oh, yeah. Is she coming to live here?
Annie: No, I don't think so. But your dad is going to try to find her a home.
Eric: I'm going to try to find her a home.
Annie: That's what I said.

Matt: Is it me or is that Corey chick a pain?

Annie: The Colonel would throw himself in front of a moving car for you.
Lucy: The Colonel would throw himself in front of a moving car for fun.

Sam: We already cleaned up the poop.

Simon: How's Pete?
Reverend: The doctor said there wasn't any permanent damage, but when he's better he'll have to go though a detox program to get the chemicals out of his system. And I recommended that he and his parents meet with a family counselor.

Rev. Morgan Hamilton: [to the Congregation] We cannot fight hate with hate. What are we teaching our children today that will make things better tomorrow?

Simon: Now "Mac", that's a real name. And it means "son of". We can name him "MacHappy". I like that.
Ruthie: Well, I like "Bean Blossom".
Simon: Bean Blossom? What does that mean?
Ruthie: The blossom of a bean. Duh.

Simon: I remember when all I wanted in life was a dog. Now all I want is for life to be that simple again.

Burt: Reverend, to you think... dogs go to heaven?
Eric: It may be debated in religious circles, but there's no debate in my heart. I know dogs go to heaven.

Rev. Eric Camden: Maybe I'll start dinner.
Annie: No. Mary and Lucy can start dinner. You should try to grab a 15-minute nap and then when I'm finished with the babies you can keep an eye on them while I get a shower and a nap.
Rev. Eric Camden: I'm on my way.
Annie: And Simon is on Ruthie duty until further notice.

Simon: [to his Social Studies class] I don't feel safe at school, and I'm tired of waiting for everyone else to make our school safe for us. You know, every time there's a shooting, we hear that the shooter was someone who felt that there was a score to settle, and it's always someone who felt they had to shoot someone to get even. You know, that's a weird concept. Some calls you a name, so you kill them? But the name-callers are relentless. You know they are and like a pack, they engage others in their hunt to destroy the already vulnerable students. They're torturing people and you know what? We allow it. We hear them, we don't speak up. Or worse, we hear them, we join in. If not in the hallways, on the internet. The teasing that isolates one student or a couple of students from the rest of us has to stop. And I think the only way it's going to, is if we stop ourselves. The issue is not who's to blame. The issue is who's going to take the responsibility. Why don't we claim responsibility? I mean, after all we're the one with the really power here. We have the power to change people's lives. We have the power to save people's lives. So I say we claim that power. Seize the day. You know, there are always going to be cliques in high school, there are always gonna be the popular students and the not-so-popular students. There are always gonna be winners and losers, teasers and the teased. But I think it's time for the mean and the cruel to be silenced by our insistence before they or any of us is silenced by a gun. You know, because we don't know who's on the brink. We can't know who's merely threatening retaliation and who's actually is capable of carrying out a threat. What we do know... is that we can make a difference.

Simon: We're all just pawns being manipulated by the corruption of politics and big business anyway. Knowing about our health and environment, we just make bigger gas guzzling SUV's, package the... the food in plastic which leaches poisons into our bodies, sell arms to other countries, then declare war on them because they use them, and make paper towels and tissue? That'll only promote waste.

Rev. Eric Camden: [to Jeff] Look, I'm the minister at the Glenoak Community Church. And if there's a problem, I can help, I can...
Jeff: No, thank you, but I think you should mind your own business.
Rev. Eric Camden: When your son brought drugs into my house it became my business.

Lucy: [to Ruthie about Eric and Annie leaving to get her from Scotland] They just decided to take off, okay?
Ruthie: And you let them?
Lucy: I had nothing to do with it. They're our parents, they do what they want.
Ruthie: Yeah, well, what about me? When do I get to do what I want?
Lucy: Ruthie, they let you stay in Scotland for the semester. You were supposed to come home at the end of the summer. I think they've been pretty generous in letting you do what you want!

Mary: Why can't you talk to me?
Wilson: No offense, but you're not in the club.

Annie: The twins need a bath, Happy needs a bath, I need a bath.
Lucy: What does that have to do with Sunday?
Annie: Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

Eric: Faith without risk... is easy.
Annie: And risk without faith, your kind of faith, is scary.
Eric: I love you.
Annie: You're okay.

Rev. Eric Camden: Where's Simon?
Ruthie: He has friends who drive. We've seen the last of Simon.
Rev. Eric Camden: Oh, oh. No, we haven't.

Norton: [to Annie] Why don't you go home? You don't belong on the streets cause you got no respect for me, for no man. Maybe I should teach you some respect.
Annie: You want a piece of this? I brought seven kids into this world, I can take one out!

Mary: [to Eric about Frankie and Johnny] If you're not going to help them, I'll help them.
Rev. Eric Camden: How? You don't have a job, you don't have any money. You have to help yourself before you can help anyone else!

Robbie: Sasha is a lot older than Simon. She's more experienced and she's selfish. She's also beautiful and makes Simon feel like a cool guy, so what is so outrageous about Simon being responsible and prepared?
Mary: He's 15. Just 15.
Robbie: A lot of 15-year-old kids are having sex!
Mary: Not Simon. And I don't care how seductive Sasha may be, she is not going to completely change Simon's sense of right and wrong in one night.
Robbie: It could happen in one moment.
Mary: No, it can't.
Robbie: Anything is possible.

Eric: There's always going to be somebody who'll try to take your dignity and self-esteem. Just never let them take your voice.

Ruthie: What do you usually do for Valentine's Day?
Ms. Rusnak: I sit in the dark and cry.

Matt: [to Mary] Look, I'm sorry I haven't been around much. You're important to me. What happens to you is important to me. What happens to you is important to everyone in the family, but I've been watching you, and I haven't really been interested in being a part of anything that's going on in your life, so I've basically avoided you, but maybe I should have cornered you and given you my take on what you're doing a lot sooner. I've seen so many young women who are losers, mostly in the emergency room or entering drug rehab at the hospital. I don't want you to be a loser. It's too easy to be the bad girl. You're better than that. I know I'm not perfect. I know I don't have all the answers, but I can tell you this. The most powerful thing I ever did for myself was make up my mind to become a responsible person, and I still haven't worked up to being responsible 24 hours a day, but I'm getting better at it. And I'm hoping that sharing this with you will help you make up your mind to become a responsible person! If you can't do it for yourself, then maybe you could consider the rest of us, and how much we need you to be responsible. Whatever you do affects us all. I know you know that, and yet you act like you don't care. All of us have to strive to be the best we can be, not because anything else is unacceptable, but because anything else is just plain misery. I can see you're miserable. You are. This is not the best you can do. You can do better and I will do anythingI can to help you do better. You just have to make up your mind that that's what you want to do, and I'm there for you. We all are.

Ruthie: Cramps!

Annie: Normal is way overrated.

Rev. Eric Camden: [to Ruthie] You know, maybe your tummy will be feeling better by lunchtime. Mommy's always is.
Ruthie: Give me an extra paper bag, just in case it isn't.
Simon: Just in case what isn't?
Ruthie: My morning sickness.
Simon: Oh, give it up! You're not sick, you're not tired, and you're not fat. You're just trying to get attention.
Ruthie: MOMMY!
[runs upstairs]
Simon: [to Eric] Yeah. Whenever they're hurt, they run to Mommy, even when Dad is standing right there.

Rev. Eric Camden: [about Mary] You know, she quit her job at the pool hall, she quit her job at Pete's Pizza. She doesn't have any friends... well, not any good ones. She needs a job.
Annie: Yes, Mary needs a job, and money, and friends... good ones. But she has bills to pay. She also needs to take a job to pay those bills. And the job she takes probably won't be a job she loves or even likes. And then she'll see how important it is to have a job you love. And jobs people love usually involve training and/or education. That will force her to set goals and move forward.
Rev. Eric Camden: Are you just going to will her into this realization?
Annie: She's not on our schedule. We need to give her time. She'll realize it when she realizes it.
Rev. Eric Camden: In the meantime, no job plus no money equals no car, right? I mean, if she can't pay for the car, she'll lose it.
Annie: So let her lose the car.
Rev. Eric Camden: This isn't about losing Mary's car. This is about losing Mary!
Annie: You think I don't know that? You know, just because I'm not a minister or a therapist doesn't mean I don't know when she's in trouble. I'm her mother! And I think she needs to be the one to ask for help, and she's not ready yet!
Rev. Eric Camden: Well, I'm her father, and I say she needs help now, whether she asks for it or not!
Annie: What you mean to say is that you're the expert, and what you say goes!

[During labor]
Annie: Give me your hand.
Eric: Why? Are you hurting?
Annie: [sarcastically] No. I'm feeling... romantic.

[last lines]
Charlotte: If only we could stop hating each other...

Dwight: I think I'm in love with you, Lucy Camden.

Kevin: Lucy Camden, will you marry me?
Lucy: [to God] Thank you.
[to Kevin]
Lucy: Yes, Kevin Kinkirk, I will marry you.

Reverend: [to Ruthie] Let me try to explain to you why your mom and I are so upset by this whole "Ba-Boom!" thing.
Ruthie: After that, then can I get the video game?
Reverend: Listen when you first see someone shot or blown up on TV, it has to be at least a little scary. But then if you keep watching it day after day, week after week, year after year, it starts to grow less scary, less a big deal, and even gets to seem like... nothing. But it is something. It's the biggest something. It's someone taking someone else's life.

Sam: I don't like stew.
David: It sounds like "poo".

David: Lucy is a good preacher.
Sam: I want my Sundays.

Annie: Mary is not the prodigal son and I made a mistake in treating her as if she were. She never left to go discover herself. She didn't go out into the world and get into trouble and hit rock bottom and then come crawling home for forgiveness. She never did that. She showed signs of getting in trouble, and we sent her to your parents before she had the chance to do something that she or we would regret. And you know what? It worked, Eric. And I don't think we've ever given ourselves credit for doing the right thing in saving her from hitting rock bottom. Now, maybe she didn't learn anything, but I think part of the reason why she claims that is that she's afraid that she did. She's afraid to make another mistake.
Rev. Eric Camden: You know, for a guy who just got an apology, I'm feeling pretty lousy.

Mary: [to Lucy, about Simon] He called me BIGBUTT!

Lucy: Mom, is this what married life is all about? Years of laundry and cooking and aggravation and then you die?
Annie: No, sometimes there's ironing.

Ruthie: I don't care what anyone says about the twins. They're not cute.
Simon: Well, of course they're not cute! Compared to you, who is?
Ruthie: I'm not buying it. Get away from me.
Simon: Come on. If you come back in the house with me, I'll give you a cookie. Two cookies. Cookies and ice cream!... money? Cold, hard cash?
Ruthie: I liked you better when you ignored me.

Shana: Are we breaking up?
Matt: I don't want to break up with you.

Annie: Lucy, wait. I got the phone bill today.
Lucy: Congratulations.
Annie: Your phone usage is completely out of control.
Lucy: Define "out of control."

Eric: All right, Simon, I don't like what you have been doing. And it's really difficult to believe that after growing up in this family, you could just so easily abandon what you've been taught and what I think you believe and... I do love you, son, I do. I hate what you've been doing, but I love you.

Mary: So what's best for everyone is to ship me off to Siberia to live with old people?

Kevin: [to Lucy] Honey, you're not going crazy, you're already there.

Ruthie: I'm going to be an inferior decorator.

Mary: [to George] I'm not kidding, you're hurting me, let go!
George: Only if you say please.
Mary: [elbows him and knocks him to the ground] I don't have to say please! I don't know what kind of girls you're used to going out with, but I don't find physical violence appropriate for a date!
George: And yet, you're hurting my hand.
Mary: [lets go George's hand] You have a problem. Deal with it.

Man: I'm a veteran myself.
Robbie: Good for you. Thanks for serving.
Man: I don't think anyone's ever said that to me before. Thank you.

Stevie: You've got two choices, Camden. A screamin' wedgie, or a long walk home.
Marvin: I'd choose the long walk home. And I'm speaking from experience.

Kevin: Hi. Kinkirk, party of ten.
Woman: Tell him.
[Points in host's direction]
Kevin: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you you were the hostess.
Woman: You're an idiot.

Matt: This is Bernie, Mary Camden's attorney.
Credit: Mary Camden can't afford to pay a $50 bill but she has an attorney?

Lucy: It is my fault! It's all my fault! Nothing will ever be the same again! Nothing!
[runs up to her room]
Rev. Eric Camden: It'll take awhile.
Annie: I know, but I'm glad that she has awhile to take.

Lucy: Hey, Keesha, why do you think somebody burned down your church?
Keesha: Because we're black, and they think that if they destroy our church, they can destroy our faith.
Mary: Yeah, but that doesn't make any sense.
Keesha: I know. I mean, a roof just keeps the rain off your head.

Annie: [to Ruthie] Honey, didn't I explain to you that your dad's having some heart problems?
Ruthie: Yeah, I know. And I feel really badly that he's not feeling well, but Mom, Dad's always going to have heart problems and this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for me.
Annie: I... uh... I guess I must be feeling jet lag, because I'm suddenly feeling so... irritable or confused. Yeah, maybe that's it. Confusion. I'm going to go back to the hotel and get some rest. I'll see you tonight at dinner. Oh, and you think about this: Scotland is always going to be here. I'll see you later, Ruthie.
Ruthie: [after Annie leaves] They just don't get it.

Rev. Eric Camden: She's still incredibly irresponsible and she seems to have absolutely no awareness of that. How are we going to make her conscious?
Annie: Oh, you mean how are we going to make her confess. Here we go! It's Richard Nixon all over again! I love Richard Nixon.
Rev. Eric Camden: Since when did you love Richard Nixon?
Annie: Since I heard someone saying that what God is showing us through parents is that he loves us despite the things we do, not beacuse of the things we do. You don't even recognize your own sermon, do you?

Pete: Spray paint makes it faster and it's a lot of fun.
Simon: How do you breathe around that stuff?
Pete: Oh, you'll get used to it, actually, you'll probably start to like it after a while.
Simon: Where are the guys?
Pete: Oh, uh... they decided to catch a breather.
Simon: We could use a breather, too.
[Pete laughs]
Simon: What?
Pete: You're too PURE to understand.

Pauline: [to Eric and Annie] Have you two hugged today? Hugging is very important. Hugs plus love equals marriage. In fact, I think a hug can solve all trouble in the world. Famine, disease, war... just give it a hug.
Rev. Eric Camden: Did you learn that in hug class?

Annie: Teenagers.
Eric: Yeah, if you don't like their mood, wait 10 minutes.

Mary: [on the phone with insurance people] I am begging you, please don't cancel my policy... I know, but I got fired, and you have to give me more than a couple of days to come up with the money... I can't drive my car without insurance! Don't you get it? No car equals no job. I have to have insurance!... look, you can tell whomever you want that you're cancelling my insurance, but you can't stop me from driving my own car... oh yeah? Watch me!
[slams phone down]

Simon: The situation could get out of control, me leaving and all.
Rev. Eric Camden: What are you afraid will happen, that I'll throw myself at your legs and make a scene on the bus station?
Simon: Dad, I'm not worried about you making a scene. But you do sometimes get this... moist look in the corner of your eye.
Rev. Eric Camden: And that bothers you, my moistness?

Rev. Eric Camden: [to Lucy] You left home. You went to New York. You moved in with Jeremy and his family and without warning, boom, you were back on our doorstep. We'd like to know what happened.
Lucy: You know, it was a bad goodbye, a long terrible flight and I don't feel like talking about it.
Rev. Eric Camden: What do you mean by "bad goodbye"?
Lucy: I am 18! I am an adult, I don't feel like talking about it!

Nasreen: I appreciate your sympathy, but I don't expect you to completely understand what I'm going through.
Annie: As a mother, I understand at least some of what you're going through. I know the fear and worry over the safety of my children.
Ruthie: I still don't understand it. She didn't do anything. Her family didn't do anything. They're Americans just like everyone else.
Annie: I know, Ruthie. I know.

Guy: I'll always have Glenoak.

Matt: [to Ruthie] You, get out. I have burgers to deliver.
Ruthie: I love riding in a car full of hamburgers and French fries. I had a dream I did it once and I woke up really happy.

Frankie: [to Annie] Are you actually suggesting that I leave Johnny? I can't raise a kid on my own.
Annie: You can't stay with a man who hits you. You can't. Mercy will grow up thinking that's what women do: they get hit. Is that what you want to teach her?

Rev. Eric Camden: Who's side are you on?
Annie: Ruthie's.
Rev. Eric Camden: Traitor.

Simon: You know, "dog" is "God" spelled backwards.

Robbie: Hey, Mary. Um... how's it going?
Mary: How's it going? How's it going? What is wrong with you people? Isn't anyone happy to see me?
Robbie: Of course I am.
Mary: Then how about showing it?
Robbie: Okay.
[kisses Mary on the cheek; Mary grabs him and gives him a long kiss on the lips]
Robbie: That says, "Happy to see you" and that is what I came home for!

Ruthie: So, what kind of fun stuff do we have planned for tomorrow?
Annie: [to Eric] Teacher Work Day. No school for Ruthie.
Ruthie: Yes!
Annie: Okay, let's see. Tomorrow, you can help me clean the bathrooms, do the laundry, repair the kitchen sink, iron the socks, reorganize the linen closet, and go shopping.
Ruthie: Toy shopping?
Annie: Food shopping.
Ruthie: Man, this is gonna be worse than school!

[Matt is going on his first date with Heather, who is deaf]
Simon: What are you so nervous about? You're probably better off with a girl that can't hear what you say anyway.

Annie: [to Johnny] So basically, this is about your pride. Pride is not a luxury that you can afford if you want to keep your baby. You have to talk to your parents.
Johnny: I can't. They said they would never forgive me. They won't talk to me.
Annie: Yes, they will. I spoke with them earlier on the phone. They want to talk with you, they want to help. So now, all you have left to do is swallow your pride, get up off that bench and go and call them. We can go back to Pete's and call them.
Johnny: It's not going to be easy.
Annie: Being a parent never is.

Rev. Eric Camden: [to Matt about Annie] You know, in some ways your mother hasn't changed since the first day I fell in love with her 20 years ago.
Matt: And in other ways?
Rev. Eric Camden: She's mean. Really, really mean... I didn't mean it the way it sounded. I love her. It's just that lately it's a lot tougher to love her.
Matt: You know, I'm so glad I have to go to work because I don't like where this conversation is going.

Mary: [to Wilson] What are you doing here?
Wilson: You belong with me in New York.
Robbie: Who's this clown?
Mary: Robbie, this is Wilson. Wilson, Robbie.

Rosina: [to Matt] How can you see my daughters's beautiful smile with your hair in your face like that?

Mrs. Tallridges: [to Mary] Sometimes when you love a man, you have to give up something to keep him.
Mr. Tallridges: What did you ever give up for me?
Mrs. Tallridges: Who said I was talking about you?

Rev. Eric Camden: [to Robbie] I'm sorry.
Robbie: Sorry for what? For caring about me? For giving me the first real home I ever had? For being the dad I never had and always wanted? For forgiving me my past mistakes and being so supportive and kind? You have nothing to be sorry for.

Matt: I have to move back home.
Annie: Have to?
Matt: I have to protect the women.
Annie: Congratulations. That is the most ridiculous excuse you've come up yet.

Annie: The fact that my kid is more concerned with the punishment than the crime tells me something. And you know what it tells me? My kid is a weenie.
Mary: So I guess I'm grounded for life?
Annie: That's a given.

Annie: [to Ruthie] Since when do you have a pen pal who's a Marine?
Ruthie: Since I changed schools. It's a class project. A volunteer project. It's to let all the men and women who serve in the armed forces know how much they're appreciated. We can't send real mail, so we have to send e-mail. That's the safe way to do it.
Annie: What do you write about?
Ruthie: Oh, different things. Sometimes just funny stuff that happens around here. You know, to give him a laugh.
Annie: Funny family stories?
Ruthie: Yeah, I've got plenty of 'em. You can't just write about serious stuff. He gets enough of that being in the Marines.

Matt: [to Robbie] So who did you go out with?
Robbie: Who do you think I went out with?
Matt: Cheryl? Really That's who it was?
Robbie: It's not going to work for us, but I thought I should give it a try.
Matt: Well, why didn't it work out?
Robbie: Because I'm hopelessly in love with your sister.

Vice: I have to follow procedure. I have to call in the parents, have a meeting with them, send the kid to a counselor. They have to recommend that he see a therapist or I have to risk losing my 10 year retirement, and that may not sound much, but I have a family too.
Reverend: Okay, well what about tomorrow? What happens if he comes to school with a gun tomorrow?
Vice: I agree that Simon and Deena should stay home from school until I get some answers.
Reverend: Well, thanks for your help.

Martin: Cecilia was helping me with my tie.

Ruthie: [to Annie] You are not allow to have guy friends. You are a mother.

Simon: What are we gonna do about this?
Lucy: We're gonna let Mary handle it. It's her problem, not ours.
Ruthie: Please don't let them put Mary in jail again.
Simon: You say to let Mary handle it, but she's not. We're the ones getting the calls, and sooner or later Mom and Dad are gonna find out. And deadbeat or not, she's still our sister.

Ruthie: Do you have to have special clothes to feel special? I just put on a clean pair of underwear and I feel great.

Sam: What is that?
Rose: It's a mini fridge. It's for our office which is gonna be on the second floor of the condo we're renting. The kitchen's on the first floor, so we thought it would be nice if we didn't have to go downstairs everytime we wanted a cold drink.
David: That's what we have to do.
Sam: Yeah, it's a pain.
Kevin: You're seven.
David: It's still a pain.

T: [to Lucy] I'd gladly be your Ashton if you'd be my Demi.

Annie: Lunches are on the kitchen counter. Don't worry. This bus thing won't last long.
Mary: I hope they really hate it and they want a ride home today, but you punish them by making them take the bus for weeks and even months.
Ruthie: Punish me, Mommy, punish me.

Guy: [to Simon] What's with you, Camden?
Guy: I don't care what's with him.
[to Simon]
Guy: Just don't embarrass us like that again.
Guy: Or we might shoot you.
Simon: [to a teacher] Excuse me. You had to have just heard that. You did, didn't you? You heard the whole thing and then you just, what, hid in your classroom?
Teacher: Students aren't the only targets, Simon.
Simon: Well, can't you at least talk to their parents?
Teacher: I have. The parents are just like them.
Simon: So what are we gonna do about this?

Matt: Guys terrorizing innocent little girls on the way home from school? I mean, what has this world come to?
Simon: Just a bunch of little cowards.
Matt: Ignorant little cowards.
Simon: Evil, ignorant little cowards!
Matt: Yeah.
Simon: So, aside from calling them cowards behind their backs, what are we gonna do about it?
Matt: I know what I'm gonna do about it.
Simon: What?
Matt: Kick their butts!

Lucy: Luce, the accident...
Annie: It wasn't them. Tell me it wasn't them. Mom, please?
Lucy: I'm sorry. Sarah was killed Luce and Jen's in the hospital in serious condition! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Oh, I'm just glad it wasn't you!
[she and Annie both begin to cry]

Jimmy: While I appreciate that you are a passionate whimsical creature by nature, you also need to appreciate my need for a passing science grade.

Annie: Well, I don't know what Christy's parents are fighting about, but whatever it is, it can't be more important than their daughter. Don't they see how their fighting is affecting her?
Rev. Eric Camden: You know, there are a lot of parents who believe that as long as they are not yelling at their kids, their kids aren't affected by their yelling. They don't seem to understand that a parent's relationship with each other affects their children for the rest of their lives. If we can learn how to have a good relationship from our parents, we can learn how to have a bad relationship from them too.

Ruthie: I may never walk again.
Peter: And all we had to eat were two hot dogs.
Ruthie: And he had a raisin.

Lucy: [to Mary] Please don't leave like this.
Mary: How did you think I was going to leave? I am being sent off to live with the Colonel and Grandma Ruth in Buffalo! You know what Buffalo is like and you know what they are like! What made you think I was going to be happy, huh? What?
Lucy: I didn't know anything about it, okay? And maybe Mom and Dad are more concerned with your safety than your happiness!
Mary: Get out!
Lucy: Is this how you're gonna say goodbye?
Mary: Yeah, yeah. This is how I'm gonna say goodbye. And you can tell the rest of them to stay out of here because I don't want to talk to any of you!

Corey: I had a baby when I was 14. Are you satisfied now?

Dr. Hank Hastings: Everything is gonna be fine. Now, say goodbye, Julie.
Julie: Goodbye Julie.

Luke: [to Simon] I'm telling you, you can use Mary's "bad girl" reputation to boost your own profile at school. Everybody thinks Mary left town because she's bad and bad is good. Bad is cool. Man, we're gonna ride your sister's bad rep all the way to Babe Town!
Simon: I don't think we're allowed in Babe Town.

Ruthie: I don't want to be just sitting there and watching Dad be sick. I mean, he's going to be fine. He's had heart surgery before!
Lucy: That... that's incredibly selfish, don't you think?

Annie: [to Robbie] Ruthie asked me to tell you not to call her Snooky anymore.
Robbie: I thought she liked it. What happened?
Annie: Well, Lucy told her that you calling her Snooky is a polite way of calling her "sneaky."
Robbie: That's not it at all.
Annie: Well, then you better go tell her. She's pretty upset. She likes you a lot.
Robbie: Are you kidding? She loves me!
Annie: I know.
[starts crying and hugs Robbie]
Annie: We all love you. We do!

Rev. Eric Camden: [to Annie] You know, at first I wasn't thrilled with you going back to college, but you going to school isn't about for me, its about you. You do so much for me and the kids and the church. It's your turn to do something for yourself.
Annie: Boy, what a difference a week makes!
Rev. Eric Camden: Well, what kind of husband would I be if I didn't support you 100% by helping out with the house and kids?
Annie: A jerk.
Rev. Eric Camden: Exactly, so keep studying.

Mr. Morton: I have a license for that gun!
Reverend: I don't care if you have a license for that gun. License or no license, you seem to be in complete denial that something could go terribly wrong here.
Mr. Morton: I know my son, okay? I know he would never shoot anyone!
Sgt. Michaels: Just the same, until this situation is resolved, you might want to take the gun out of your house.
Reverend: That gun is for our protection
Sgt. Michaels: Did you know that people who own guns are 33 times more likely to kill themselves, a family member or an acquaintance than to be killed by an armed intruder?

Annie: [to Mary & Lucy] Why are you two so late?
[to Matt]
Annie: And why are you so early? And where's Guy? I'd like a word with him.
Matt: He's still at the pool hall with my date.
Lucy: You mean your date is with my date.
Mary: He's my date. He just took you because you invited yourself.
Annie: The two of you are not dating anyone who lives in this house.

Lilly: I think we have to talk.
Annie: Okey.
Lilly: What's going on?
Annie: Well, I'm doing laundry.

Lucy: [to Ruthie] I think you've been over there a little too long because you're starting to sound like a brat! And look here, little sister: when Mom and Dad show up, you better act as if you're happy to see them.
Ruthie: Why?
Lucy: Because they're your parents! They're your mom and dad, and you should be grateful that you even have a mother and father!
Ruthie: Yeah, well, I'm not right now, okay? They just want to ruin my life!

Ruthie: Bad words make me sound bad.
Simon: No, bad words make you sound stupid.

Matt: Dad, I haven't been out of work for 48 hours.
Rev. Eric Camden: You can't afford to be out of work for 48 hours much less 72 hours or any amount of hours.

Bobby: Simon and Gabrielle sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
Simon: I never kissed her!
Bobby: Maybe it's because you have corn breath!

Mary: What if I get expelled?
Rev. Eric Camden: Well, we'll just have to wait and see what happens, and then deal with it.
Mary: I know, I blew it, but up until now, I've been a pretty good kid. Now it's gone. It's all gone. Who knew that one mistake could ruin your whole life?
Annie: Your dad and I... when you're an adult, you know that one mistake can ruin your life. Your life's not ruined. It's going to be radically different, but only you can decide if that's going to be a good different or bad different.

Ruthie: [to Annie] I can keep a secret. I've kept Matt's secret for years.
[realizes what she said and runs out of the room]

Mary: Yes, I'm starting a new job today.
Rev. Eric Camden: You've had a new job every week this summer.
Mary: That's not true. I was a day camp counselor for almost three weeks.
Rev. Eric Camden: [sarcastically] You know, just because you're mad at Mom doesn't mean you have to take it out on me.
Rev. Eric Camden: I'm not angry, the world is angry... at your mom, and I'm not taking it out on anyone.

Mary: I'm am an official licensed driver!
Matt: Chauffeur. Licensed chauffeur.
Rev. Eric Camden: And it's not a license, it's a learners permit. Learner being the key word here.
Annie: That's right. Wherever you go, I shall go with you.
Mary: I don't care! I'm driving! And I am the greatest driver in all the world!
Matt: Nightmare.

[Simon takes a seat at the Womens Clinic]
Leah: You don't look pregnant.

Frankie: [about Johnny] He's not such a bad guy, you know. He wanted to go to college, too, major in English Lit, and be a writer.
Mary: Hey, we all still have plenty of time to be whatever it is we want to be, right?
Frankie: Right.
[baby starts crying from her crib]
Frankie: Whatever I'm going to be doesn't change who I already am: a mom.

Lucy: I just started thinking about Yasmine and how people can be so cruel and how horrible I was to you which didn't make me much better than those boys, and how everyone in the world has the same capacity to be so mean and intolerant. It just makes me feel so sad.
Mary: You know how it makes me feel? Angry.

Annie: [to Eric] How's Jen doing? Any word?
Rev. Eric Camden: I just got off the phone with her parents; she's still in the hospital. Her leg's going to be okay, but she's got a heavy burden to carry, and... and unfortunately, it could take years to develop the strength for it. Having to be there for Jen is what's keeping the parents going. They're just so grateful they didn't lose her too... what, Annie?
Annie: I just keep thinking that Lucy could have been in that car, too.