200 Best Steve Smith Quotes

Steve: I don't feel that hung over. Guess I can handle my alcohol better than you guys.
Hayley: Oh, yeah? Pubic hair and mayonnaise ice cream.
[Steve vomits]

Steve: Dad! When were you gonna tell me that you're part of the Illumi-nutty?
Stan: Steve! That's crazy! I was never gonna tell you!

Steve: I don't think Dad likes having me around anymore.
Francine: Oh, now, why would you say that?
Steve: Because I woke up this morning in the car, fully dressed.
Francine: Steve, your father got hurt in a very tender place. He's probably frustrated he can't go to work or mow the lawn or clean the gutters. Boy, it's been a while since he's cleaned the gutters.
Steve: Hey, maybe until Dad gets better, I can clean the gutters.
Francine: That's creepy, honey.

Steve: Well Snot, that's the super-ball conundrum. We want them to bounce higher and higher, and then we lose them.

Roger: Steve, you have to help me. I can't stop thinking about what happened. Francine got mugged and I just sat there. I was useless and pathetic and weak. How do you live with yourself when you feel that way?
Steve: I guess most people just...
Roger: No, I'm talking about you specifically. How do you, Steve, live with yourself?
Steve: Charming. This side of you is charming.

Steve: [to Lisa] You think Debbie's a slut? I'll show you a slut.

Steve: [to Roger] Now Snot may never get bar mitzvahed and it's my fault.
Roger: All because you refused to do the heist my way.
Steve: How would you doing a goofy accent have changed anything?
Roger: We'll never know now, will we?

[Roger must play a burn victim in front of Steve's crush]
Roger the Alien: I even watched the latest Meg Ryan movie where she played that burn victim.
Steve: She never played a burn victim.
[Steve walks off]
Roger the Alien: Oh, Meg, honey...

Steve: [to Stan] You can still be a good dad if you get me some more nachos, fat ass. And don't skimp on the chili peppers! I want my farts to hurt!

Steve: [to Stan] You don't get to talk about air guitar!

Amy: I'm not gonna kiss you with my top on
[removes her shirt]
Amy: [Steve's alarm sounds]
Steve: No Amy! I have so much horniness to give!

Stan: [to Steve] Where'd you go?
Steve: I got the usher.
Stan: I almost died!
Steve: I almost died too... of shock. I accidentally ran into a Hugh Grant movie. Ugh. Such a youthful haircut on such an old face.

Steve: [to Roger] Maybe you should go to fat camp. Damn! Because you're taking up so much space right now. Oh, damn!

Steve: Mum you are not smart, I don't tell Your Mama's so dumb jokes, I tell My Mama's so dumb for example My Mama's so dumb I don't tell Your Mama's so dumb jokes, I tell My Mama's so dumb

Steve: [Steve is wandering through the Saudi Arabian Desert and is delirious]
Steve: OK, I'm cool. Whatever life throws at me I can handle. Because I, am a strong, independent black woman... I mean white teenager!

Steve: Seriously, can't you do *anything*?
Roger the Alien: I can get my feelings hurt and throw a world-class hissy fit!

Stan: What are you mad at me for? I stopped Steve from shooting a deaf kid. I'm a hero.
Steve: Hero? Thanks to you, I missed a week at school and got addicted to hallucinogenic berries. That's right. They make me see colors and I'm keeping them.

Steve: Okay, next up is Daniel.
Roger: [as Ricky Spanish] Daniel? I can't face Daniel. What I did to him was too horrible. Skip down! Skip down to someone else! No, forget it. Let's start a business. We'll buy a truck and do pedicures in it. We'll call it "Nail Salon Wheels Truck," I don't know!

Steve: [Roger bites off Stan's finger] Roger what'd you do that for! You already have the medal!
Roger: I don't know, they did it in the movie, I mean if we're gonna go for it, go for it

Steve: Jewel, I'd like you to meet my friends.
Toshi: Godzilla!
[Steve's friends run away]

Steve: Let's make a baby. Yeah, sexy talk.

Steve: [after learning that Cassandra committed suicide] Momma, the man said someone died upstairs. What if I see a g-g-g-ghost?
Francine: [Mockingly] I don't know Steve, you'll probably p-p-p-piss your pants!

Guest: The average white man thinks about sex every six minutes - but thinks about sex with a black man only once a year!
Steve: I have no idea what he's talking about but I feel terrible.

Stan: You're too old to be playing with toys!
Steve: What? You're never too old to play! Using your imagination's a healthy way to escape reality for a spell.
Stan: No, that's what drugs and alcohol are for.

Steve: [to Stan] Damn your experimental steroids!
Stan: It's okay, son. You're experiencing a perfectly natural side effect called "roid rage."
Steve: Oh, I'm experiencing a side effect, all right.
[opens up his bathrobe to reveal he has breasts]
Steve: I have boobs!
Stan: Oh, my God!
Klaus: I know. Talk about a butterface.

Steve: Don't think anyone's gonna pick up a half naked 42 year old and his young boy companion, just saying

Steve: [to the Mailboxes clerk] W... wait. Tell us what the key is for.
Mailboxes: I work at a store called Mailboxes, not at a store called "I Help People Who Hurt Me." That store is down the block. It is amazing. I wanted to work there, but they told me I was too ugly.

Stan: Steve, your mom and I are paying a lot of money for you to go to this school.
Steve: More like so you can go! All you care about is taking me there so you can be friends with that senator.
Stan: Friends? Did he use that word?
Steve: God, you're embarrassing! But you're gonna be way more embarrassed if you make me go back there. I'll act like a wolfman.
Stan: No, you won't.
Steve: I'm a wolfman. My dad is Stan Smith. Don't put him on any task forces!
Stan: You wouldn't do that!
Steve: And I'd pant real fast! Wear makeup under the eyes. Is that what you want, Dad? You know I got the pipes!
[makes a howling noise and the monster hunter breaks through the window]
Monster: Die, demon of the night!
Stan: I was joking!
Steve: He was joking!
Monster: What? Don't joke about that.
Steve: I won't!
Stan: We won't!
Monster: I do a serious job. I don't need this.
Stan: We really appreciate everything you do.

Stan: The Stan Smith Wrestling Museum. Dedicated to the high school wrestling career of Stan Smith.
Steve: Um, I've lived in this house my whole life. How long's this been here?
Roger: Construction of the museum began in 1998. I should know because like Ross on "Friends", I'm a docent. But unlike Ross, I don't look like a Monchichi.

Steve: I'm tired of you bossing me around, Dad. All the running, all the all the studying, all the planning for your Christian camp. I know you want to break ground in 2012, but it's not going to happen! We can't get the permits!

Steve: [to Roger] Wait, you were trying to kill me? So this is all your fault.
Roger the Alien: Oh, yeah. Blame the alien. The cops will eat that up. Sorry, pal, you're going to jail where they're gonna take your cherry Jell-O away in the lunch line after you're raped in the shower.

Steve: Becky, thanks for getting us this lifeboat. I mean, lifeboobs. Wait... no, no, I was right.

Steve: Aw, what am I gonna to do?
Francine: Well, you have two options: You can fall apart like a bitch punk in the street or you can Mark Zuckerberg this thing!
Steve: You think?
Francine: Yeah. Any man who ever did anything great was just trying to show up some piece of ass who didn't give him any.

Hayley: [about the mall] What kind of idiot would buy into this materialistic crap?
Steve: And we widen to reveal...
Stan: Look at all this cool stuff!

Stanley: Son, if you ever get captured by any terrorists in the neighborhood and end up on al-Jazeera, just blink you location in Morse code. I'll have a bomb dropped on your location immediately.
Steve: But, Dad, then I'd get killed too.
Stanley: Ah, come on son, there are plenty of kids to play with in heaven. Your cousin Billy. That little girl from Poltergeist. She must be about 16 by now, you could totally tap that.

Stan: [to Steve after he gets breasts from the steroids] Let's not panic. The CIA scientist gets back from vacation in a few days, so until I get the antidote, we have to keep your magnificient ta-tas underwraps.
Steve: What am I supposed to do now?
Stan: Strap 'em down with these Ace bandages. It's what Hilary Swank used to hide her breasts in "Boys Don't Cry." You know, that movie where she got what she deserved.
[Steve gasps]
Stan: An Oscar! And brutally sodomized...
Steve: Dad!
Stan: In a review by Derek Simms of the Detroit Free Press. Steve, is this really the time for showbiz trivia? You've got breasts!

Steve: I thought we hated gays.
Stan: Well, that was before I knew they came in Republican form.

Steve: Dad, face it. I'm never gonna be popular like Vince Chung.
Stan: Don't say that! Don't ever say that! Don't you see, son? Everything's better when you're popular. Colors are brighter, jeans fit snugger. You know when you put a piece of Juicy Fruit in your mouth and for the first five seconds, it tastes so sweet and perfect like someone sprayed a little miracle on your tongue? Well, that's what being popular is like, but all the time.

Steve: [while studying] Chlorine, bromine... crap! Astatine! How could I forget? It has the words "teen" and "ass" in it.

Steve: [to Janet] You think Debbie's fat? I'll show you fat.

Steve: [Talking to Stan who's crying] I thought I heard you in here. Having a good old fashioned night cry? You want Mr. Cryserotops? That's right, feed him your tears. Yes, you're good with him.

Gym: Now everyone hug and share a secret.
Steve: [Hugging Snot] I'm afraid of moths.
Snot: [Hugging Steve] My therapist says I'm a bad kisser.

Steve: Principal Lewis. Thank God, we're saved.
Principal: Sorry, Smith. I've ordered my administration to turn a blind eye to these proceedings.
Janet: Thanks, Daddy.
Steve: Janet's your daughter? How come you never mentioned this before?
Principal: Because I'm ashamed of her for more reasons than you can imagine. Still, that's my little girl, man.

Steve: [after Roger accidentally calls Steve "Scotty"] Scotty?
Roger the Alien: That's my new nickname for you. Your favorite "Star Trek" character.
Steve: What he does isn't glamorous, but he keeps the Enterprise running.

Steve: We all had a black friend!

Steve: [to Dream Girl] I just realized I don't know your name.
Dream: I could tell you my name, but would my name tell you that I'm incapable of seeing the color orange? I just have to trust people who give me these. Or that I think mustaches are t-shirts for lips? Or that I wear ice skates to weddings? It's hard to dance, but that's just the type of person I am.

Becky: Hi, I'm Becky, cruise activities director.
Steve: I'm Steve. I have five friends on MySpace and I'm waiting on approval from a sixth.
Becky: You're cute.
Steve: Oh, in a harmless little brother kind of way, right?
Becky: [laughs] No. In an I've taken a lot of boys' virginity kind of way.

Randy: Isn't playing "Popcorn" fun?
Snot: Something doesn't seem right here.
Steve: Yeah. At the very least we should've popped by now.
Randy: I'm the salt. All kernels have to wrestle me to get salted.

Hayley: Steve, come on! I'm supposed to meet the neighbor's son in 20 minutes!
Steve: You know the rule. Say it, and I'll escort you to the bazaar.
Hayley: [sighs] You're the manliest man in the history of manly men.
Steve: And?
Hayley: And when you're in your late 30s, you may have a chance at convincing a long-time female friend to have awkward pity-sex with you, once.
Steve: Aww yeah!

Steve: [Sees Snot has made it to the funeral] Just drive.
Trucker: A railroad gypsy took my vas deferens but you, boy, are just bumming me out.

Doctor: Steve, I spoke to your father, and he informs me you have a growth you wouId Iike me to ''take care of."
Stanley: You know, that ''inside zit'' we talked about.
Steve: So you want me to get rid of it. But I thought we were conservatives.
Stanley: We are, in America. Down here, we're just Juan and Pedro Gomez, orange farmers from Oaxaca, who've come in for a delicate procedure.
Steve: Okay, Dad. I know if Mr White found out you had a pregnant son, he'd be aII and you'd be all, "Every freakin' time!" So I won't have this baby.
Stanley: Wait. You think that's what this is all about? Beating Chuck White? Am I that awful?
Steve: Dad, we're in Mexico. I'm in stirrups.
Doctor: And I've been drinking.

Steve: [to Snot] We have to get rid of that doll!
Snot: No way! I'm done!
Steve: Mount Vernon, dude.
Snot: I hated that trip! I pooed my pants on the bus ride there. That's a long time to pretend you don't smell anything.

Steve: [to Barry, Snot and Toshi] Do you have any idea what you've done? Because of you, I destroyed three innocent girls, lost Debbie and jammed laxatives arm-deep into a buffalo!

[Family is playing Scrabble]
Steve: Quivecs? That's not a word.
Roger the Alien: It is on my planet!
Francine: Is it a proper noun?
[beat]
Roger the Alien: Damn!
[rearranges letters]

Steve: Geez, Roger. You're making Kevin Bacon look like a total douche.
Hayley: Yeah, you may be beautiful on the outside like Kevin Bacon, but you're ugly on the inside like Tommy Lee Jones on the outside and the inside.

Steve: You don't know how to blow a bubble?
Stan: And you don't know how to make love to a woman, not everyone knows how to do everything okay Steve!

Steve: [narrating] We went out in search of a way to say goodbye to an absent father, but we found a lot more than that. We found each other, not to mention ourselves. And like the open road, we are infinite.
Snot: Will you shut up? You've been narrating for four hours.

Steve: Pop, you need to eat. You're wasting away. You're doing a reverse Vince Vaughn.

Steve: Dad! There you are.
Stanley: [nervously] Of-of course I'm here. Wh-where would I be? Alone? Touching myself?
Steve: Yeah, right. Only perverts and Democrats do that.
Stanley: [laughs] Well said, soldier.

Steve: [to Dane Cook] I don't care what every single person on Earth says. You're hilarious.

Stan: [to Steve] I had a bully once. Stelio Kontos was his name. He was as mean as he was Greek. He made my life a living hell. He totally tormented me. One time, he made me keep a live bat in my underpants all day. Gave me ass rabies. My anus was frothing like a cappuccino. Anyway, that olive-skinned bastard made me into the man I am today.
Steve: The kind that bullies his own son?
Stan: Right

Steve: Wh... wh... who took my panties, m-my women's panties th-that I was wearing? Has anyone seen my women's panties that I was wearing?

Steve: I'm running away. It's the only way I can escape those psycho Rangers.
Roger the Alien: Oh! Oh, take me with you. Maybe my special power is keeping you from getting molested at the bus station. Maybe.

Jeff: [after Jeff is caught masturbating in the bathroom by Francine and Klaus] I'm sorry, but when I'm not smoking pot, I suffer from HLS, Hyperactive Libido Syndrome. When it hits, I got to get busy right away.
Francine: If you're gonna do that in this house, you'll do it where everyone else in this family does it: in Steve's bed.
Steve: [off-screen] What?

Ashley: [to Snot about her doll, Julia] You took advantage of Julia!
Snot: What? Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no.
Ashley: Get out!
Steve: What's going...?
Ashley: Both of you, get out!
Steve: No, no, wait!
Ashley: She was a virgin!
[holds Julia close to her]
Ashley: What's that, Julia? He didn't use a condom?
Steve: You didn't use a condom?
Snot: Are you kidding me?

Steve: Steve Gutenberg invented the printing press?

Barry: Hey, what are we supposed to do?
Steve: Well, I guess we could...
Barry: Not you, virgin!

Steve: Oh my God, a downed plane!
Barry: We've got to keep it wet until the tide comes back in!

Steve: Now to just type 'fossils' into the search engine. And now to separate the fossils sites from the porn sites. Tyrannosaurus, fossil. Babe-a-saurus, porn. A synposium on the Pangea theory of the Permian extinction... WOW, that is some nasty porn!

Steve: [drunk] What up, you ass face bitches? You stupid-ass honky fuckin' faggots?

Steve: [to Roger] You slut!
Roger the Alien: I have to say, it was super relaxing being an innocent young girl for a change.
Steve: Innocent? You did it with Snot on the beach!
Roger the Alien: Yeah, I did. Got sand all up in my Jenny dress, not to mention my gopher hole. Oop, I mentioned it.

Stan: [about how the house is decorated for Christmas] Seriously? I'd give you an "A" for effort, but this isn't U.C. Santa Cruz.
Steve: What did we do wrong?
Stan: Where do I start? Well, for one thing, the stockings. They're supposed to be hung with care in hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there. The INXS guy hung himself with more care. And the nativity scene. The three Wise Men look like transvestites, but the mannish kind. Not the attractive Asian kind you're always hoping your friends will hire for your birthday party.

Steve: Come on, Hayley. You're going to the movies with Jeff, anyway. Just give me a ride.
Hayley: You know the rule.
Steve: [sighs] You're the most environmentally-conscious, self-actualized feminist in the world...
Hayley: And?
Steve: And I'm a douchebag.

Stan: And by the way, father of the year here. This is how I wish I lost my virginity. Not to some coked-up airhead.
Steve: Didn't you lose your virginity to Mom?
Stan: Mm-hmm.

Steve: [to Hayley] If I go down, you go down with me. Then all that ink on your arm; it'll just be a bunch of nonsense no one can read unless you move to China, but who are we kidding? You don't have the guts.

Steve: So you're saying I should never, ever have sex before marriage?
Stanley: That's right. Or angels will kill you. Good night.

Steve: [to Roger] I guess we all figured you'd be with Scottie. How is he by the way? Has he been worrying about whether having boners at night means he's gay? Because I have.

Steve: Hey, Roger, a missing remote. Looks like another case for...
Steve: [both] Wheels and the Legman!
Klaus: Enough!
Roger: What the hell's your problem?
Klaus: Every "Wheels and the Legman" is the same. You pick a boring case, you bicker, then you solve it. The solution usually being that Roger is the culprit.
Roger: It's true. I've got the remote right here.

Steve: [after learning that Bobo the Gorilla wants him to stay with him overnight] I don't wanna die from Gorilla sex!

Steve: [Steve and Hayley call Roger out on his identity fraud] Roger, we can't keep doing this.
Hayley: Yeah, I mean, it's stealing.
Roger: Oh, oh, excuse me, are you an ethicist? Are you? Is there an ethicist in the house?
Ethicist: I'm an ethicist.
Roger: Well, screw you, I'm Kevin Bacon!

Roger the Alien: Okay, Steve, if you're looking for gender clarification, there's a number of things we can try. First, we raise some cash to get that dick off you.
Steve: [covering his crotch] Whoa! Coming in hot!

Francine: Steve, I know I said violence was never the answer, but it has just become the answer. I'm gonna teach you how to kick your father's ass!
Steve: Good! That ass needs a pounding!
Francine: Yeah. That's what your father said last night.

Stanley: [discussing Francine's potato salad] What if I told you that it contained a horrible ingredient? An unholy ingredient.
Karl: Unholy, you say?
Karl: [stands up and opens his robe, traumatizing the entire family then sits back down] Anything else?
Steve: Where... where does your food go?

Stanley: [to Steve] I look around me and I see it isn't so!
Steve: What?
Stanley: I mean, why'd you cheat?
Steve: I'm sorry. It's just... creative writing is hard, I can't do it.
Stanley: Can't? We don't live in Ameri-can't, Steve we live in Ameri-ca. No, no, no, wait, we live in Ameri-can. No, wait, that's not right. We are Ameri-can. W... where was I going with this?
Steve: Um, I said creative writing is hard...
Stanley: Oh, yeah, yeah. Perseverance, Steve. It's all about perseverance and if I Ameri-can't teach you about it, I have a friend who Ameri-will. Well, that sounded good. Had a bumpy start there, but I think I pulled it together.

Mitch: One thing delivering pizzas has taught me is that easy street isn't always the best route.
Steve: So true.
Roger the Alien: Okay, Steve, when people start a sentence with, "What delivering pizzas has taught me," that's the go-ahead to tune out.

Roger: [to Steve] How many times have you been playing with yourself a day?
Steve: Three.
Roger: We're going to up that to five.
[writes on a clipboard]
Roger: You can take this prescription to any room in the house with Kleenex and have it filled.
Steve: Thanks, Doc.

Steve: Au revoir, les enfants. That means
[bleep]
Steve: you!

Steve: I feel it coming on!
Francine: Don't you do it, young man!
Steve: I think I'm gonna go bananas.

Steve: [to Roger] Do you know what time it is?
Roger the Alien: Nope. We were having sex in the park and I totally lost track. I must have been making weird noises 'cause a bunch of cats wouldn't leave us alone. Had to throw a couple cats.
Steve: Roger, you have to stop this.
Roger the Alien: I see. I know what's really going on here. You can't stand the fact that Snot's cool now and you're no longer king of the nerds.
Steve: That's ridiculous! I mean sure there's been an established hierarchy, but...
[looks at the object that Roger has]
Steve: What wh-what is that?
Roger the Alien: Oh, this? My stress ball.
Steve: But there's a crack in it.
Roger the Alien: Uh-huh.
Steve: Oh, my God, that's how you and Snot have been...
Roger the Alien: Relieving stress. Because this is a stress ball. And trust me, Snot's been relieving a lot of stress into this thing.

Stan: Oh, you're off the hook, Steve. I know you never bought into the whole Nicaraguans-Russians-and-Cubans-invading-Colorado thing. Besides, I've got Barry now. I don't need you... per se.
Steve: You don't need me?
Stan: Per se, Steve. Geez, doesn't anyone appreciate Latin anymore?

Steve: She played Lady Macbeth in our school production of Oklahoma. Frankly, it was a mess, but our drama teacher finally got sober. Thank God!

Roger the Alien: You're putting me on your family plan?
Steve: Roger, what Dad's trying to say is that you're a Smith. We couldn't start a new family plan without you.
Stan: Steve's right. Steve also needs to learn how to keep his trap shut and let me finish my own moment. You defiled my moment, son. Right in front of my wife.

Roger: I was just taking a midnight stroll when I saw what looked like a magical owl fly by and... oh! Look at that! It's right here, and it's carrying a letter!
[Steve opens the letter and gasps]
Roger: What does it say?
Steve: It says I've been admitted to Hogwarts School of Wizardry! The gypsy was right! I am special!
Roger: [snickering] And here I was thinking you were just a gullible idiot.

Roger the Alien: I'll tell you what's going I like Snot. He's cute and he's funny and he treats me nice. Reminds me of a young Paul Reiser.
Steve: He is nothing like a young Paul Reiser. He's Rob Morrow on his best day.

Stanley: Time for cake.
Klaus: I get the piece with the rose on it. I called it. You heard.
Steve: Mom, cut me an end piece!
Hayley: How can you even think about eating that cake? Do you realize how many innocent cows were raped... or as you say "milked," to make that cake?
Stanley: Shut up, Hayley.

Steve: You're making me mad Barry. I'm getting real frustrated.
Evil: Don't you do it, Steven. Don't you go bananas!

Steve: [after seeing Betsy White] Jesus, Joseph and Mary Lou Retton!

Steve: Are guys really think, I'm a werewolf.
[as Snot ties his hands behind his back with rope]
Snot: Well we can't take any chances, there's a full moon tonight.
[Barry and Toshi then hold up a gag and kimono]
Steve: Wait a minute, I understand the rope. But what's the deal with the gag and kimono?
Barry: I don't know, but I walk into my parents, once and they were using all three.
Steve: But there's no way I'm...
[Barry shoves gag into Steve's mouth]
Barry: YOU LIKE THAT, DON'T YOU BITCH!
[Boys stare at Barry shocked]
Barry: That's what my mom says to my dad.

Steve: Anyway, I was talking to the Amish kid and I still have some questions about sex.
Stanley: Absolutely, son. Let's talk in private.
Francine: Stan, do you want me to come with you?
Stanley: No. This is a father's job. Besides, sons have complex relationships with their mothers, especially if they're as beautiful and sexy as my mother.

Barry: Hey, Steve. Somebody left this on your front porch.
[gives Steve the doormat]
Stan: Great, it's the fat one.
Steve: That's a doormat, Barry.
Barry: Who's Matt Barry?
Stan: God, I hate you so much!
Steve: Mom, can Barry stay for dinner?
Francine: If it's okay with his parents.
Barry: Oh, they won't care. They never care.
Stan: Good people. My kind of people.
[Barry's watch beeps]
Barry: Oh, time to take my vitamin. May I have a glass of water?
Stan: Fatty can use the garden hose!

Steve: I can't believe we've been walking around all night and couldn't find one crime.
Roger: This neighborhood's gotten too safe since the Blacks moved out. David and Franklin Black. Two white brothers who killed every Mexican in town.

Steve: [walking to jukebox] I'm gonna see if they got any Keith Sweat up in this piece.

Steve: [to Stan] I had a sure thing, old man!
[kicks him]

Snot: Steve, what the hell are you wearing?
Steve: Ah, man. I must have grabbed a pair of Hayley's underwear from the dryer. This day can't get any worse!
Snot: Those are Hayley's? Let me smell them.
Steve: Snot, we're on the bus. I'm not going to take them off.
Snot: That's not what I asked.

Hayley: Hey, Roger, we have something that might cheer you up.
Roger: Don't look at me. I'm hideous! I'm a hideous monster.
Steve: Not anymore.
Roger: Rick Baker's Celebrity Nose Kit?
Steve: They're latex copies of actual celebrities noses.
Roger: [gasps] Just like porn stars do with their genitals.

Stan: Kids, you want to play "20 Questions" until we die? I'm thinking of a person.
Steve: Ronald Reagan?
Stan: Damn!

Steve: [after Devin smacks him on the butt] That's two on the same cheek, Dev! I'm gonna have to explain the hand mark to my mom at bath time. Kidding, yo!
[chuckles nervously]
Steve: I shower now. Solo. Just me and the baby monitor.

Steve: I have an oral report on fossils tomorrow. I already know how to talk. So the remaining 10% of the work will be on fossils.

Steve: [after Steve learns that his friends went to Wild West Land without him] Last I checked, friends excursions included all of the friends. How could you come here without me?
Snot: Because you hate Jenny and you're jealous that I'm getting sniz on the reg.
Steve: Stop saying that!

Steve: "My crazy sister locked me up and made me kiss a raccoon on the mout-" No! That's not true! None of this is!

Steve: [after Hayley convinces Steve to pose as a girl so she can join the roller derby team] I'll do it. I'll pretend I'm a girl. Also, it might not be a lie because that split just destroyed my balls.

Steve: Uh, Mom? Dad? I think I'm pregnant.
[lifts up his shirt to show his pregnant stomach]
Hayley: You can't be pregnant! You're a virgin... and a boy!
Steve: Tell that to my swollen ankles and tender nipples!

Stan: What the hell, Francine? This tastes like crap!
Francine: I know. I used to cook everything in oil containing trans fat, but since the new law, you can't get it anymore.
Stan: That's what trans fat is? The stuff that makes everything taste wonderful? Oh, why doesn't the city council just declare a war on flavor? Like the English did years ago!
Steve: Their food is atrocious.
Francine: I miss Lady Di.
Steve: She was the people's princess...
Stan: I know who she was, Steven!

Roger: We just saying the first thing that pops into our mind? Ticklemonster
Steve: I know Dad, I put up with this every day at the agency
Roger: Your Ghost Dad's not here!
Steve: Oh no, then who's possessing me?
[Steve stands up out of the wheelchair and slaps Roger repeatedly]
Roger: Stop it, stop it Wheels, Wheels, stop it Wheels' father
[Steve stops and Roger gasps]

Steve: Hayley, here's what I know: I'm off to deliver food to the elderly to earn my gerontology badge. I have this bike helmet which crushes my ears, itches my head and gives me Bonnie Franklin hair. Now, why do I wear it? Because it's the law.

Steve: [about Ronald Regan] But he's dead?
Stan: But not unreachable
Steve: Like Gandalf the Grey when it came back as Gandalf the White
Stan: Oh son, every day with you is like a punch in the nads

Stanley: You know what? The hell with Chuck White! And forget the deaconship! Son, you're keeping your alien baby.
Steve: Thanks, Dad.
Doctor: Did you say "alien baby"?
Stanley: No, I said "doctor's corpse found in desert."

Roger the Alien: [after Francine destroys Roger's painting of Hayley] My art! You've destroyed my drawing of Hayley.
Steve: Hayley?
Roger the Alien: It's obvious what you have to do, Steve. You have to kill yourself.
Steve: What? Why? Nobody saw.
Roger the Alien: God saw. Everyone in heaven saw. Aunt Sadie, Great Gram-Gram, Star Trek's James Doohan...
Steve: Scotty saw?
Roger the Alien: Scotty watched the whole damn thing.
[Steve starts crying]
Hayley: You know what, Roger? This whole thing is your fault. I am gonna kick your ass!
Roger the Alien: You think you got a shot, porn star? Then bring it.
[Hayley punches Roger in the stomach]
Roger the Alien: I wasn't ready. This is how Houdini died!

Steve: Gotta go put a popsicle on the ol' starfish.

Steve: The night belongs to me, for I am Greater Chimdale County Man.
Roger: No! That name's terrible!

Stan: It's High School, Steve, it doesn't matter.
Steve: You said that last time, when's it start to matter?
Stan: Never.

Steve: [to Mitch] Sorry, my... um, war veteran uncle here blew up your car.
Mitch: No matter. A car is merely a means oftransporting pizzas. Thankfully the pizzas survived, for they contain the dough of life.
Roger the Alien: [pretends to wake up] I'm sorry. I drifted off. Are you on Thorazine? What the hell? I mean, what year is it? Who's president?
Steve: Roger! Mitch, if you can't finish your route, won't you lose your job?
Mitch: Perhaps, for lo, when a pie reaches not its destination, a trust is broken forever.
Roger the Alien: Yeah, look, Kung Fu, I prefer my crazy in my bread.

Steve: [walking in a carnival with Roger] You spent all your money trying to win a hat with antlers?
Roger: [angrily] I do not choose to discuss it.
Fortune: [pointing at Steve] I see a very lucky boy.
Steve: Wow, really? Will you tell my fortune?
Roger: Steve, before she tells you your future, let me tell you her past: forty years of alcoholism and three doctorless abortions.
Fortune: You are a sad, angry little person.
Steve: That's uncanny!
Fortune: What would you like to know?
Steve: Uhm... I don't know. I guess just if there's anything special about me or...
Fortune: Yes! You are special. I - I see it!
Steve: Wow!
Roger: Steve, she's just repeating whatever you say.
Steve: You're just jealous because I'm special and you're not. You're boring and regular.
[walks off]
Roger: Uh! "Regular"? Oh, Steven... I'm going to hurt you so bad.
[to the fortune teller]
Roger: I got a question about the future: you see yourself taking a shower ever?

Steve: Hayley, let me in! I was led astray by a false prophet and I forgot my keys!

Stan: [driven mad by the tainted beef he's eating] You boys see these owls?
[starting to swat at invisible owls]
Stan: Get out of here, owls! Stop pecking at my face, I will not buy your encyclopedias! I can't read your language, I can only speak it!
[starts to screech]
Steve: Okay, that's weird.
Snot: You know, this would never have happened if we went to my house after school, but no!, you guys are too creeped out by my mom's wooden foot.

Francine: [to Stan] Look, I'm sorry that 30 years ago, you got some lousy advice about sex that screwed you up, but I cannot let you do the same thing to our son.
Stanley: I'm not screwing him up.
Steve: Yeah, Mom. I know my body is filthy.
Francine: No, it's not. Steve, urges are natural and it's healthy to explore them.
Stanley: Francine, no!
Francine: Because if you don't explore them, you'll repress them. Then one day, when you do discover them, you'll reject your wife, hurt your son and try to take down TV!

Steve: [After bully Stan throws a coffee in his face] Ah! It's in my eye!
[And before Stan can respond]
Steve: I know, I know - that's what Mom said last night.
Stan: That right!
[Nodding happily]
Stan: While I was doing her! Bah-Boom!

Steve: Snot, you need to process this. This is a big deal!
Snot: Yeah, it's my big deal! And I am not going to pretend to have some big theatrical reaction to this just to make you happy!
Steve: But you should have some reaction. You have to feel something. He was your dad and now he's gone.
Snot: We're all going to die, Steven! I'm gonna die! You're gonna die! Everyone dies! Do you really think any of this is going to last forever? 'Cause it's not!

Roger the Alien: My name is Braff Zacklin. I was an international racecar driver. One day, a baby carriage rolled out onto the track so I swerved into the retaining wall to avoid it. The car burst into flames, but the baby miraculously survived. I was that baby.
Steve: That doesn't make any sense.
Roger the Alien: I'm Braff Zacklin!

Steve: Dad, I'm meeting the fellas at the movies. Can I have a few bucks for popcorn?
Stan: [wearing a money suit] Do I look like I'm made of money?

Steve: Why are you always so mean to me?
Avery: I ENVY YOUR YOUTH!

Steve: Snot? Are you okay?
Snot: I almost didn't make it to school.
Steve: Oh, no, Jenny. What did she do?
Snot: Oh, Steve! We went to Taco King and then we rode the Ferris wheel, then we went to the beach and stayed up all night talking about our hopes and dreams. Then I fucked her! I finally did it, man. I'm not a virgin anymore.
[Steve has a shocked look on his face]

Steve: [while possessed by Nemo] Mene mene tekel. Satana satana.
Hayley: Mom, Steve's acting weird again.
Francine: Steve, stop babbling at your sister in Aramaic. It's a dead language.

Francine: Stan, we are going on a real vacation and this family is going to bond!
Steve: We could go skiing!
Stan: Or, here's an alternate pitch. Uh, stay here, watch the Duke game - just hear me out - I order boneless wings from KFC - hang on to that thought, Hayley - I take a long bath and then, wait for it... none of you are here!
Francine: Or - just hear me out - we stay home and for the rest of our lives together, every time you doze off, I'll slam a book on your testicles.
Steve: [pause] Did someone say skiing?

Suze: You know what I just realized, this kid has no mom. If he died here today there would be no mommy to morn him.
Trish: And no mommy to press charges.
Steve: How did this get so dark?

Steve: We're doing an outer space party. We're gonna have our faces painted like aliens and everything.
Roger the Alien: Oh, white people in alien face? Running around going, "Beep boop bop." This what you do when there's no alien in the room? How would you feel if I made fun of you? "Oh, uh, I'm human. I'm from planet Earth. I think I'm coming down with a cold." Hurts, don't it?

Stan: It's okay to be afraid. Fear is what keeps us alive.
Steve: But you're not afraid of anything.
Stan: Yes, I am. I'm afraid of losing you. That and people finding out I can't pronounce the word "dorktor's oyfoice".
Steve: Are you trying to say "doctor's office"?

Steve: [narrating] So now I was a published writer, but my life had become boring. As boring as a bad metaphor or a simile. Whatever, I'm not a writer.

Steve: OK, so Megan Fox and Seth Rogen come out of a room containing only one chair. Do you sniff the chair?

Debbie: Steve, I'm sorry, but well, Etan asked me to be his date to his Bar Mitzvah and I said yes.
Steve: What? You're dumping me for that snobby rich kid?
Debbie: Steve, I don't care that he's rich. I care that he's mature. I'm sorry, but I need a man, not a boy.
Steve: A boy? Could a boy produce tears this big?

Stanley: [to Steve] So, what do you need to know?
Steve: Um, everything, I guess. I talk a big game, but I actually know very little about sex.
Stanley: Well, you don't have to worry about it, because you're not having it.
Steve: Oh. But I guess I just thought I should know...
Stanley: You don't need to know. That's the beautiful mystery of sex.
Steve: Well, I guess not, but...
Stanley: See, if l tell you about it, it won't be a mystery. It'll just be a fact: an ugly, moist fact squatting on your brain like an octopus, and you don't want an octopus squatting on your brain, do you, son?
Steve: No.
Stanley: And that's where babies come from.

Stan: [to Steve] So this, uh, detective stuff looks fun. Can I play?
Steve: Um, maybe, Dad, but I'm not sure you understand what we do here.
Stan: No, no, I get it. It's part pretend, part real, fake detectives, real cases, you're in a wheelchair, Roger can walk. W... what's not to get?

Steve: [to Francine] God, you can be so selfish! I'm doing this for me!

Steve: You joined the police academy, Roger? Sounds pretty bad-ass.
Francine: Steve, language!
Roger: Shut the fuck up, Frannie. The boy's expressing himself.

Stan: [to Steve] Weren't you supposed to quit crying for New Year's?
Steve: [while crying] I'm sensitive! It's a desirable trait in some cultures.
Stan: In France, maybe Oh, my God! Move to France! Go the hell to France!

Steve: [shouts] The monacle!
Steve: YES STEVE, THE MONACLE! HOW DOES THAT FEEL?

Steve: [to Roger] You know what? You're nothing but a drug addict. Birds died because of you!
Roger the Alien: Oh, my God. Who cares?
Steve: Our partnership is over! I never want to see you again!
[walks off]
Roger the Alien: Then don't look in the night sky because I'm a star, and that's not the cocaine talking.
[to the women]
Roger the Alien: So, girls, tell me more about your childhood. Now that's the cocaine talking.

Stanley: Hillary, look out for the mine!
[Explosion]
Stanley: What did I say? You heard me, what did I say?
Steve: You said look out for the mine.
Stanley: I said look out for the mine.

Steve: Maybe next Christmas no-one will die.
Hayley: Yeah, right!

Steve: Flap Flap a-zap-zap!

Francine: [after turning Steve into a toddler] Look at me, being escorted around town by this handsome young man.
Steve: Just so you know. I'm speaking calmly right now, but there's a tantrum brewing in me the likes of which this mall has never seen!

Steve: Shut up, Mom! Get me chips!

Steve: I think I'll hit the sack. And then I'll go to bed.

Snot: [to Steve after Debbie dumps him] You know what? You're better off without her. She's not fit enough to recalibrate your tricorder.
Barry: Or fit enough to wear people clothes.
Steve: That's the same lame joke from the Web page.
Barry: I mean I'm Barry.

Mr. Beauregard: These are my associates. They like to watch.
Steve: Oh that's unsettling.

Steve: Hey, that's my dad's Tara Reid collector's plate. You can't touch that! You know how much that'll be worth in a few months when she's dead?

Steve: I'm Steve. I'm the kind of guy who drives cross-country to take his friend to his old man's funeral, then gives it all up when he finds his manic, pixie dream girl along the way.
Dream: Wait a minute. You blew off your grieving friend to hang out in a hot tub with a complete stranger?
Steve: No. No, you don't understand. I helped him get in touch with his sadness. I'm the only reason he even went to the funeral.
Dream: Oh, I just figured you out. You're an emotional tourist.
Steve: A what?
Dream: You're the kind of person who feeds off other's experiences to fill the void inside of you. An emotional tourist. And I'm sorry, but that's not the trip I packed for.

Steve: I lost Roger, Hayley. I was wrapped up in my science project and I yelled at him, and I drove him into the arms of a kid who beats him!
Hayley: Oh. I just thought you got like a boner in gym class or something.
Steve: I don't know what to do. Why does he stay, Hayley? Why does he stay?
Hayley: Clearly, he's getting something from this kid he wasn't getting from you. When you have that kind of co-dependency, it can be hard to break free from an abusive relationship.
Jeff: [as he peaks out of the pantry] Can I come out of the pantry now, babe?
Hayley: I said I'll get you when I'm ready!
[throws something at the pantry; Jeff goes back inside]

Akiko: [to Steve] It's not what you think. Your mother...
Steve: Your mother!
Akiko: Steve, let me explain...
Steve: Your mother! I don't want to hear your lame excuses! I don't want to look at your stupid face!
Akiko: Fine. Forget it, jerk. I'm taking you down.
Steve: I'm already down. You don't give me comfortability problems anymore.

Steve: [to Dream Girl] What are you doing here?
Dream: I'm traveling cross-country taking Polaroid pictures of people walking other people's dogs. It's pretty hard to tell, but I didn't become an artist because it was easy.

Stan: Come on, you're not still mad about last night, are you? We met Morgan Freeman, didn't we? You got to shake his hand, Steve.
Steve: I was prying it off my throat.
Stan: Boy, was he riled up! You know he was the narrator in "March of the Penguins." Powerful, powerful piece of cinema. Never saw it.

Steve: [talking about the cool things a video game alien can do] Oh... um... sorry, Roger
Roger the Alien: No, no, you said it. It's out in the open. We have to live with it now.

Steve: [to Stan and Francine] Leave me alone, embarrassing straight parents or I'll pee in your cereal!

Francine: Stan, we just finally got Steve off the heroin from the last birthday present you gave him.
Steve: I got so high.

Steve: Dad, can we go to Graceland?
Stan: Steve, if you want to pay your respects to a fat man who died on the toilet, we can visit your Aunt Mary's grave.

Hayley: Steve, are you sure you want to have this child?
Steve: Yeah, I guess so. Roger, what do you say? You ready, partner?
Roger: [slurred] Oh, yeah. Fatherhood. Jazzed. It's not Iike I wanted to do anything with my life, like Iearn to surf or go to JerusaIem.
Steve: Are you drunk?
Roger: Get used to it!
[slams the door]

Steve: Every time I walk, it's like a game of g-nip g-nop

Francine: [to Steve] You bastard! That's what I said to my old ugly hairdo. What's wrong, honey?
Steve: Aw, I hate being a famous author. Do I really have to go on Cap'n Monty's?
Francine: Oh. Well, no. I suppose not.
Steve: Thanks, Mom.
Francine: Oh, Steve, just curious. When did you stop loving Mommy?
Steve: What?
Francine: 'Cause if you loved me, you wouldn't want me to have ugly hair, but do whatever makes you happy. I have to go put some ointment on that hideous cesarean scar I have because of you.
Steve: But Hayley was the cesarean.
Francine: Oh, that's right. With you, I just tore from my "V" to my "A." Good night.

Steve: [narrating] The court ruled in my favor and I was finally free of my parents. Did the book make me rich and popular? Yeah. Did it all go to my head? Oh, yeah. Did I start talking like Robert Evans? You bet your ass I did. Did I even know who Robert Evans was? Not by a long shot.

Steve: Something I've noticed is that Real Life often sucks.

Steve: We need to get to that door, but how? The stage is lousy with drama geeks.
Barry: Actors killed Lincoln!

Steve: Is it weird that I have a boner?
Stan: It'd be weird if you didn't!

Steve: [to Snot] Okay, so Ashley's crazy as hell, but she's good to go.

Stan: [to Steve] What are you doing?
Steve: Playing lunch lady. Pizza or sloppy joe?
Stan: I am pissed off because you're doing that and now I want a sloppy joe and I know you don't really have one.

Steve: Behold, it is here! My first pube!
[pulls down his pants and shocks the entire family]
Hayley: Ugh, it's red!
Steve: Fi-yahh!
Hayley: Oh God, I'm gonna be sick!

Stan: [to Steve] This is all your fault. I'm supposed to be with my friends on the houseboat.
Steve: You don't have to keep picking me up from PSAT class.
Stan: No, I don't? What do I have to do, master? What a dick.

Stan: [to Steve] Son, good grades won't get you anywhere in life. You only get places through athletic accomplishments.
Steve: Well, what about Bill Gates?
Stan: Before he blew out his ACL and had to do computers, Bill Gates rushed for over 300 yards a game.
Steve: Uh, I don't think that's right, Dad.
Stan: And I don't know the recipe for apple pie, but that didn't stop me from making one.

Steve: Well, I guess it's back to squinting really hard till stuff looks like boobs.

Steve: [to Stan] Why do you care how I get those oranges up those steps, I can pay someone to do it for me just like I'm paying Stelio to kick your ass

Steve: Anyway, I'm going to go hit the sack. Then I'll probably go to bed.

Steve: [as he and Stan burst into the sci-fi convention] That's Dan Vebber!
Stanley: Sorry, Vebber. You're going away for a long time, so pack your Baggins!
[crowd groans]
Steve: Dad, I know people here.

Roger: [to Stan] You're a liability! You know what your problem is? Pappa Wheelie doesn't have a backstory. All right, all you have is a prop. How did you end up on that unicycle? Are you a hipster? Are you a Frenchman? Were you raised by a Russian circus bear? You don't know! You just woke up one morning and saw a unicycle, you stupid hack. I don't know about you, but this case has put me in the mood for some cocaine.
Stan: I-I get that joke. 'Cause cocaine comes in keys, right?
Steve: The Legman doesn't joke about cocaine.
Roger: Cocaine is not a joking matter.

Steve: Don't you have any feelings?
Stanley: Son, feelings are what women have. They come from their ovaries.

Henry: Roger, don't go! I swear I'll change. We'll play all day and we'll make a fort out of pillows and I'll never be too busy for you. You're my alien.
Roger the Alien: Oh, Henry, yes, yes! A thousand times, yes!
Steve: No! God, Roger, what the hell? You're the most backward-ass advanced live form ever.
Henry: See? He doesn't care about you.
Steve: Look, Roger. I'm not gonna make a bunch of promises about how we're always gonna play together and how every moment's gonna be great. And if a girl calls and I think there's a shot at boob, I'm going for the boob. But I will come home and tell you about it because you're not my alien. You're my friend, my best friend.

Santa: I'm coming for you, Smiths! Hyah!
Steve: How did he find us?
Jeff: Oh. I wrote him a letter telling him where he can deliver our presents.
Stan: He's trying to kill us, you moron! You gave away our hiding spot!
Hayley: Dad, stop it. He didn't know.
Stan: He doesn't know anything! He's super dumb, Hayley. Jeff, please leave my family alone forever. Will you do me that kindness?
Hayley: Dad!
Stan: [as Jeff sadly leaves the cabin] He understood. It's a Christmas miracle.

Steve: [to his friends] If we're lucky, we might just take a few of them with us!
[Steve and his friends face the angry mob, but they end up getting beat up by them]
Steve: We're not taking any of them with us!

Steve: [entering his bedroom, rubbing his feet] Oh my stars, what a day.
[presses a button on the answering machine]
Answering: You have new messages.
Steve: [puzzled] When did I get an answering machine?

Steve: Let's go home.
Jeff: Orrrrr... should us brothers split the acid I've been saving in my pocket all tour?
Steve: That's all you, big bro.
Jeff: Good, 'cause I already took both doses and I'm banana monkey bingo foot. May I have this darnce, Madam Eucalyptus?

Steve: [to Snot about Hayley] If it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty sure she has the herps.
Jeff: [sticks his head out the window] Yeah, she does.

Roger the Alien: [real estate scam] Oh look, another serious buyer.
Husband: But you're so young
Wife: How can you possibly afford this house?
Steve: Remember the kid from Jerry Maguire?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: Of course.
Steve: Well, he pays me to call hotels before his arrival to ensure they have pillows that can support his massive head. I do quite well. Which is why I'm prepared to offer you $99,000. And not a penny more.
Roger the Alien: Oh, yeah? Let me see the cash. I don't need to see the cash. Well, Hannigan, what's it going to be? You gonna offer me 100 K, or are you going to let Jonathan Lipnicki's bitch make you look like a punk in front of your hot wife?
Wife: Well, are you?

Steve: [to Roger about Henry hurting him] Oh, my God, your eye! Did he hit you?
Roger the Alien: It was my fault. I disobeyed Captain's orders and jeopardized the mission.
Steve: Stop making excuses for him! You sound just like Daphne Zuniga from that Lifetime movie and you remember what happened to her.
Roger the Alien: Oh, my God! She ended up on ABC Family. Well, I'm not gonna let that happen to me.

Steve: [after seeing a dog on the street] Sandy!
Chris the Bum: His name is Ronald! You trying to rename my dog? This guy's trying to rename my dog!

Steve: Oh, Snot. You were wearing your bathing suit as underwear that day.

Klaus: [Panting] We need to get the fuck out of here!
Del: I take you into my townhouse, and this is how you repay me?
Mrs. Lonstein: It's not my fault, Del!
[Tearfully]
Mrs. Lonstein: It was the basement!
Steve: What did you *do*?
Klaus: Phew, thought this was a goner. All right. Let's beat it before security gets here.
Del: [Tearfully] You ruined it! You ruined it when you sat on that fish's face!
Snot: What's happening, Steve? !
[Sobs]
Klaus: Yep, that's a wrap on Chesterbrook! Let's keep it simple.

Steve: [to Roger] I should've known you'd take it too far.
Roger the Alien: Yeah, you should've. You've known me for years, Steve.

Roger the Alien: Oh, my God, look what's on Lifetime! Daphne Zuniga in "Spooning with Anger."
Steve: So?
Roger the Alien: So? That's our favorite spousal abuse movie of all time. We gave it even higher marks that Valerie Bertinelli's classic, "Please Kevin, Not in the Face."

Steve: Wait a second, that's it! I can sign up for the footballs team! Dad loves sports! I bet he'd love to watch me play!
Roger: Steve, look at those kids. They're athletes. When was the last time you ran anywhere? I mean with your own legs, not by pressing 'X'?

Steve: Get my tub of chalk. I'm gonna write some swear words in the driveway, blow off some steam.

Steve: [In a flashback scene where Steve and his friends are young kids]
[to Snot]
Steve: Hey, you shouldn't be worrying about girls for another ten years. You should be worrying about blocks and making pee-pee on the potty. Girls, this guy's worried about!
Snot: You're right, Steve. You're always right.
Barry: Interesting how we've developed such a sophisticated hierarchy at this young age.
Steve: Shut up, Barry.
Barry: I'm at the bottom.

Steve: I touched her hand. Her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I got some boob. Algebra's awesome!