Top 150 Quotes From Louis Litt

Louis: What the fuck is your problem? I gave you an order and you blatantly ignored me.

Katrina: Louis, you have been a hero again and again, and if the one time they actually treat you like one you crossed a little line to get there, that doesn't make you horrible. It makes you Harvey.
Louis: You know what? You're absolutely right, and as of this second, I'm going to start acting like the hero that I am.
Louis: [to the waiter] Hey, jerk-off. Who do I have to blow to get some more nuts?

Donna: You look happy.
Louis: Do I?
Donna: Why?
Louis: Um, I don't know, Donna, it's hard to explain. All right, I'll tell you. Mikado finally slept in my bed last night, and when I woke up this morning, it felt like the whole world was hugging me. I lost nine ounces, my teeth whiteners are working, I found five new hairs on the top of my head, and to top it all off, I just found out that Esther broke her foot in three places.
Donna: Your sister?
Louis: Yeah, crutches for seven months. Serves her right. Dad's favorite.

Louis: I'm writing in my diary.
Katrina: Isn't that what your dictaphone is for?
Louis: No, my dictaphone is for my singular triumphs, like when Harvey told me I was the man, and my diary is for my most agonizing defeats, such as when Jessica just told me I'll never make name partner.
Katrina: Louis, she didn't say that.
Louis: Well, she might as well have. She just gave Malone the corner office.

Harvey: To Fairchild. God rest his soul.
Louis: Screw his soul. You know how they say, 'Heaven just got another angel?' They ain't saying it now.

Robert: I didn't ask you when you'd get here, Louis. I asked you where you were.
Louis: That's, uh, kind of personal.
Robert: Well, I feel kind of bad about that, Louis, but I've been standing here with nothing but my dick in my hand for the last 30 minutes.
Louis: All right, well, if you wanna know, Sheila and I are trying to have a baby and she's not getting any younger, and we're just trying to take advantage of any opportunity we can.
Robert: Why didn't you say so? Just get here as fast as you can.

Louis: Jessica, I want to know where I fall in the pecking order with regard to Dana Scott.
Jessica: There is no pecking order. I don't look at things that way.
Louis: Great. That means I'm behind her because she's banging Harvey.
Jessica: I'm gonna pretend I didn't just hear that.

Louis: I broke the law.
Katrina: Please keep your voice down.
Louis: Why? Let any man judge me. So says the good book.
Katrina: No, it doesn't.
Louis: You know what? I think I know what the goddamn good book says.
Katrina: Listen to me. You did what you had to do.
Louis: Oh, really? Well, that's not what you said when you found out. You said, "Louis, that's illegal."

Harvey: I'll pull over, and you can sit in the back with Mike.
Louis: Hey, I'm not sitting in the back with a fraud -- and before you even think it, you're not putting him up here and sticking me back there.
Harvey: Then what do you want, Louis? Because there is no way in hell I'm letting you behind the wheel of this car.
Louis: It's crystal goddamn clear. You and I sit in the back, and he chauffeurs the both of us.
Mike: Whoa, no. Uh, even if Harvey would agree to that, which I doubt...
Louis: Shut the hell up. You're not talking. You don't get to refuse.
Mike: I'm not refusing, Louis. I don't know how to drive.
Louis: Holy shit.

Mike: Wow, yeah, that is a tattoo.
Harold: It's cool, right?
Mike: Yeah. A manatee. The slow, gentle cow of the sea.
Harold: Uh uh no, it's a shark actually.
Mike: [looks again] Totally. No, yes that is... That's a shark. That is a big, wide, fat shark.
Louis: [enters] You're fired.
Harold: Oh! You can't fire Mike!
Louis: *You." You moron. You can't even get your firing right.

Louis: Harvey, do you have a second?
Harvey: Sure, Louis, what is it?
Louis: Did you ever have to test your sperm?
Harvey: What?
Louis: Sheila wants me to, but I don't think I can do it in one of those places.
Harvey: Louis, I don't want to have this conversation. It's bad enough that we share the same dentist.

Louis: [as Mike nervously readies to enter a mud bath] You know, if you go in with boxers, you're not gonna have them later. You're gonna have to go smokeless.

Louis: He doesn't stop lyiin to me, I'm gonna cut him looser than Jared's pants after a Subway diet.

Mike: Ava makes a statement, Cameron's gonna be all over it.
Katrina: Cameron Dennis isn't the problem right now. The problem is Ava Hessington isn't a credible CEO.
Harvey: The problem is she's on trial for murder.
Louis: And public perception says that she's as guilty as Jean Valjean with a loaf of bread in his pants.

Louis: You don't think I know how dangerous he is? He fucking knows where I live. I'm not gonna risk it.
Samantha: Louis, he's a bully. And bullies only have power if you let them.
Louis: No, bullies only have power because they have guns and knives and nothing to lose, but I do, and the only reason that criminal out there knows that I have a family is 'cause I let you convince me to do this.

Louis: Okay, I was in the Harvard file room with Sheila. Don't ask details. And I noticed Mike Ross' file was not there.
Donna: You specifically looked for his file?
Louis: Yes, and I looked for Harvey's too, and his was there - and, by the way, he looked like a major douche.

Louis: And speaking of coming first, imagine our little love bug rolling to the playground in this bad boy.
Sheila: Wait, is this...
Sheila: Yup. Paternity Magazine's top pick.
Louis: Yeah, and it's also $2,000. Louis, can we really ask people to buy this for us?
Sheila: Sheila, let me explain something to you. All of our friends are rich. And as any rich person will tell you, gifts are the truest form of love.

Mo: Why do you think I picked you? I coulda taken ten people into that alley, but the second I saw you, I knew you were my guy.
Louis: You stupid motherfucker. When you held that gun to my head, you told me not to look at you and I was afraid. Do I seem afraid now?

Katrina: The last time I saw you, you were worried about going to prison. What did you decide to do?
Louis: I went to Harvey and Jessica, and I told them everything.
Katrina: What?
Louis: Jessica said that I made a mistake, and they're working on a way out.
Katrina: Louis, have you seen... ANY mafia movie ever made?
Louis: I'm not really a fan of the genre. I find it to be a little offensive to Italians...
Katrina: Shut up, and listen. She's telling you to your face she'll let you live, but behind your back, she's making plans to whack you.

Louis: I know what's it like to let your insecurities get in the way of your work, believe me. But right now, we're gonna channel the shit out of our insecurities and go spank these nipple-stealing motherfuckers.

Katrina: It didn't fail. You impressed him.
Louis: Yeah, that and $45 will get my cat a Brazilian bikini wax.

Jonathan: Hessington doesn't have holdings in those areas.
Louis: They do now, and if you don't leave 'em alone, you're gonna be tied up with my friend from the FTC until kingdom goddamn come. Got that, spank?
Jonathan: Then it's a good thing Mr. Gianopolous arranged an exception for us over dinner with his friend, the commissioner of the FTC.
Louis: That's not le...
Jonathan: Legal? Yes, it is, as long as we disclose it - which we always do. You think you're the first lawyer to try to outsmart us? We're not lawyers. We're investment bankers. We call you for the paperwork. We didn't go to Harvard, we went to Wharton, and we saw you coming a mile away. Spank.

Donna: Success is the best revenge.
Louis: Bullshit. Revenge is the best revenge.

Robert: And Louis, one more thing. Harvey wasn't being disrespectful to you, he was just treating you the way he treated Jessica and me.
Louis: I get it, he's an equal opportunity asshole.
Robert: Serving the community 24 hours a day.

Jessica: Goddamn it, Louis. That is the fifth tenant you have scared away because of some bullshit.
Louis: This isn't bullshit, Jessica.
Jessica: Really? Since when do you care about the environment? Or genetically modified cucumbers? Or the plight of the LGBT community?
Louis: Those are legitimate causes close to my heart.
Jessica: You're being ridiculous.
Louis: Yeah, well, had the French been more ridiculous, they wouldn't have the Nazis goose-stepping through their streets for six years.

Alex: [to Harvey] This says the hearing's tomorrow. They're summoning you, me, Simon, Thomas, and Donna.
Louis: Which means we have less than 24 hours to get our story straight, convince Thomas to corroborate it, and get Donna the fuck out of town.

Harvey: Hey, Louis, how the hell did you get him to go for it?
Louis: We found common ground.
Harvey: One more thing. Charles Forstman got Litt the hell up.

Louis: Look at this. It's her entire estate laid out on paper. She couldn't manage my calendar, but this crap fest she plans within an inch of her life.
Donna: And you want me to make sure these things are bequeathed properly?
Louis: You can stuff them in a giant piñata for all I care. I have to go find the perfect urn to throw her ashes off the top of the building.
Donna: She requested that?
Louis: She wanted them to be in here with me, but like hell I'm gonna do that!

Harvey: Louis, after everything we've been through tonight, how hard could it be for us to write down how much we're worth right now?
Louis: I need another fifteen minutes to myself.
Harvey: Again?
Jessica: Aw, Harvey, let him go. He probably doesn't have as much as we do, and it's a vulnerable thing for him.
Harvey: "Vulnerable"? He just told us he jerked off in the mud an hour ago. You don't think he's gonna do that right now, do you?
Jessica: Based on what he told us, he doesn't need fifteen minutes for that.

Louis: You know that I picked a pony out of the herd every year, don't ya?
Mike: A pony?
Louis: Yeah. Someone who has potential. Stamp my little brand on him. Are you that pony, Mike?

Mortician: [as Louis shops for an urn] Have you made a decision, sir?
Louis: No, I haven't made a decision, you shyster dealer of death.
Donna: Okay, I think maybe we're gonna need another minute.
Louis: No, we don't. I don't need another minute to see that this looks like a pot from Home Depot, this looks like a lamp from Motel 6, and this looks like a goddamn howitzer shell. You are lucky that I don't take this mockery of a final resting place and shove it up your ass!

Louis: Holy shit. What did... what did I just do?
Katrina: I'll tell you what you're gonna do. You're gonna stop writing in that pussy diary, and you're gonna show Jessica you're the one who should be sitting in that corner office.
Louis: All right. Ready the dictaphone. We're gonna need it.

Jessica: What do you want, Louis?
Louis: I want something for continuing to cover your as
Jessica: You got something. You got your name on the wall.
Louis: Now I want the respect that comes with it.

Louis: Norma's dead.
Donna: What?
Louis: She died this morning taking care of her sister.
Donna: Oh, Louis, I'm so sorry.
Louis: You don't need to fake it, Donna.
Donna: I'm not faking it. She was a sweet woman.
Louis: She was a frickin' battle-ax is what she was! There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't want to rip out one of her varicose veins and strangle her with it!

Rachel: [about Donna and Stephen] So, are you two going to keep...
Donna: Yes, it is some of the best damn...
[someone walks by]
Donna: YOGA I've had in a long time.
Rachel: Well, sooner or later, he's gonna find out, because it is all over your face.
Donna: Oh, please, you're a woman. Men are oblivious.
Louis: [walking by and hearing the last part] There's something different about you. What is it?
Rachel: Yes, please tell the man what it is.
Donna: Nothing, Louis. I'm just... been doing some yoga.
Louis: No, that's not it. You're practically glowing. Tell me your secret.
Donna: I-I don't think that it's your cup of tea.
Louis: For that glow, I'd tea.

Harvey: You telling me you never slipped up and had an inappropriate relationship?
Jessica: Louis, I do not want to know the answer to that.
Louis: I did. It was the most shameful night of my life.
Jessica: Harvey, don't...
Harvey: What exactly was so shameful about it?
Louis: Well, she was a paralegal, and I took mud with her.
Harvey: I don't understand. Are you saying you sullied her reputation?
Louis: No, I'm saying I sullied the concept of mud.
Harvey: What the hell are you talking about?
Louis: What, do I need a bullhorn? I had a premature muddification.
Harvey: What the hell does that mean?
Jessica: I think we all know what that means.
Louis: It means I couldn't hold my mud.

Louis: [after seeing Harvey's name on the wall] I need a day.

Stu: What kind of dildo puts bran bars and prune juice in a lease agreement?
Louis: This dildo. This dildo right here.
Stu: Are you nuts?
Louis: No. I'm your worst nightmare, because this quivering angry dildo isn't going away until it gets its satisfaction.
Stu: What did you just say to me?
Louis: I just said, this dildo is gonna be in your face slapping it around, then up your ass marching you right out the door if it catches you in violation of your lease ever again.

Louis: I know you, Harold. I know that you gargle before meetings that make you nervous - and I... smell... mint.

Louis: [talking into his dictaphone] Monday, 2:20 p. m. This conundrum is burning a hole in my brain. Think. Logically. I mean, Sheila is professional and meticulous and... wonderfully anal, and if she says that nothing gets misplaced in her inner sanctum, then I believe her, which leaves the national security option. Is Mike Ross CIA?
[thinks, then scoffs]
Louis: Please. There's a better chance that Esther's in the KGB. I mean, I can ask Sheila, if I'm no longer fond of my testicles, which... Wait a second, missing testicles, missing file. It can't be missing if it doesn't exist. Holy shit. What if Mike Ross never went to Harvard at all? What if he just went to some crappy third-tier law school, like Fordham or Arizona State?
[puts on a frat-boy voice]
Louis: "Yeah, hey, bro. Yeah, no, I'll see you at the party. I'm not gonna study for the bar. Damn straight, that's right, bros before hos. Oh, yeah, you know..."
[switches back to normal]
Louis: All right, that's enough. He's been peeing directly into our pristine pool of eliteness. He's been... Oh, shoot, it's blinking out. Norma, really quickly, I need you to get a pack of rechargeable triple A... Shit, it's out. So I guess I'm just talking to myself.

Louis: You're here late.
Mike: Life of an associate, right?
Louis: Ah, yeah, I remember. I used to live in this room - work piled all around me, surviving on coffee, delivery, and no sleep - and the whole time, wondering, "Man, is it ever gonna get any easier?"
Mike: Does it?
Louis: No.
Mike: But you still love it.
Louis: And so do you.

Mike: You worked it out with Donna... and Rachel. You lied to Malone for Jessica. What's it gonna take to work it out with me?
Louis: Well, I forgave those people, because they were victims infected with the disease known as Mike Ross. Now I'm stuck in a car with patient zero.
Mike: Okay, Outbreak, patient zero is the first person actually infected with the disease, not the disease itself, and for your information, I'm stuck in the same car as you. At least you don't have to look at the back of your own stupid, fat, balding head.
[Harvey smiles]
Louis: What's so goddamn funny?
Harvey: You two are finally talking.

Louis: I'm not signing it.
Jessica: Louis, here's the thing. I told you not to tell anybody about this, and then you went and you shouted it to Robert Zane, and then you made me tell the partners, and the capper is there are about a hundred people waiting to greet you after the unveiling you arranged, which won't happen if you don't sign that.
Louis: I can still go to the police.
Jessica: Yeah, you could, but you won't, 'cause you used that little secret to get where you are right now. It was the only bullet in your chamber, and I am taking your gun away.

Daniel: Harvey, Louis, good of both of you to come. Can I offer you a beverage?
Louis: Oh, actually, yeah. I'll take a nice, tall glass of suck a bag of dicks, because this thing's ending right now.

Louis: Your order is to not let my inner gladiator get past my outer negotiator.
Katrina: That's not gonna be easy, Louis. You're like the Hulk - once you get enraged, there's no going back.

Simon: Mr. Nesbitt has clearly instructed...
Louis: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This was Nigel's doing?
Simon: Per his most recent memo.
Louis: He's communicating with you through memos? You've been left adrift on lady law's fickle ocean with no rudder, no captain?
Simon: He hasn't been in the office since he took over the program, if that's what you're asking.
Louis: No, I think I was perfectly clear in what I was asking, Simon.
Simon: Am I supposed to respond to that?
Louis: Yeah, by going back to your desk right now and doing it correctly.
Simon: But...
Louis: Simon, a memo from Nigel is not gonna stick its boot in your ass. A memo from me will. Get out.

Louis: You just got Litt up!

Donna: Norma's still out, isn't she?
Louis: Goddamn sister tripped and fell in the tub, and she went to help. It's like she doesn't care about me at all.

Louis: I'm here for an erection.
Dr. Lipschitz: A... A what now?
Louis: I need a prescription, Stan. I don't care if it's for the blue pill, or for the one with the couples in the bathtubs. I need it now.

Harvey: Tell me right now you weren't the one that gave Fletcher Engines my game plan.
Louis: Hardman told me he wasn't gonna make you partner anyway. And once he offered it to me, all I had to do was...
Harvey: Sell me out.
Louis: How is what I did any different than you going after McKernon Motors in the first place?
Harvey: If you don't understand that on your own, you never will.

Louis: If you were looking out for yourself, then why did you lie to me about going to him?
Esther: Because you're always jealous whenever I ask anyone else to do anything. You're my brother, Louis, not my boyfriend.

Louis: You told me you would fight to get our names on the wall once you got on the other side. I can do the same for you.
Harvey: Did you hear what I just said? I don't want you doing shit for me.
Louis: Oh, so it would be okay if you were the one who got there first?
Harvey: It would have been okay if you got there first fair and square, because then I would have believed you when you said you wanted to be a team.
Louis: I do want to be a team, Harvey. That's why I helped you after.
Harvey: No, you don't! You don't want to be a team. You just want to have it both ways, because you're a disloyal rat. You always have been, and you always will, no matter what it says on your door.
Louis: Well, like you said, we've been pitted against each other since day one! You asked me how many of the fifty associates we started with would make partner. Well, you know what? I don't give a shit about the other forty-nine, because I'm the one who did. *I'm* the one who did.

Katrina: Louis, guess who stopped by yesterday for an impromptu meeting with Jessica and Harvey.
Louis: Please tell me it was Dick Cheney.
Katrina: Why would you want it to be Dick Cheney?
Louis: Why wouldn't I want it to be Iron Dick? Holy shit, I think I know who you were talking about.
Katrina: I think you do, too.
Louis: Is it a certain S.E.C. beast whose name happens to rhyme with schmeff schmalone?
Katrina: Schmess it is, and schmess it does.
Louis: Well, schmuck me.

Louis: Season pass, Lincoln Center, front row. Every show.
Donna: Really?
Louis: Yeah!
Donna: Do I have to go with you?
Louis: Hell no!
Donna: Thank you, Louis.
Louis: You are welcome. God, could this day get any better?

Louis: [to Harvey] It's not fair, you know. I'm emotional, you're cold. You're loved and I'm hated.

Jessica: Are you saying you *were* after my job?
Louis: Of course I wasn't. But who the hell am I kidding, you know? I mean, I'm not Frodo. Once I got that ring of power, we all know it would've consumed me.
Jessica: That's what I like about you, Louis. You may not be self-aware, but if someone holds up a mirror, you are not afraid to look.
Louis: Thank you, Jessica. And the truth is, Harvey needs Donna more than I do.
Jessica: Well, it was a selfless and noble act. And as far as I'm concerned, you may not be Frodo, but you are Samwise Gamgee.
Louis: Get the f- You read "Lord of the Rings"?
Jessica: Four times. I mean, it is about power.
Louis: That's funny. I always thought it was about friendship.

Katrina: I found out the name of the man Woodall's sending after us: Jeff Malone.
Louis: Jeff Malone is a beast.
Katrina: Well, the only way to beat a beast is with a bigger beast.
Louis: I need to get in there before everyone else and let Harvey and Jessica know that I had the foresight to look for it, the cunning to find it, and the balls to stop it.
Katrina: Then you take on Malone.
Louis: Next stop: Name partner.
Katrina: Pearson Specter... Litt.
Louis: Okay, you know what? Just... Let's not count our chickens before they hatch -- but just for shits and giggles, say it one more time. Leave out Specter.

Louis: What I want is for you to finish drafting the contracts and deliver them to Rachel Zane by 8:00 AM tomorrow morning, then wait for further instructions, politely seated with your hands crossed on your lap -- and if anything goes wrong, I swear to almighty God that you're gonna rue the day that you decided to become the embarrassment of a lawyer that you are. Louis Litt does not lose clients. Is that clear?
Harold: About the Carillo contracts or the fact that you don't lose clients?
Louis: Get out.

Louis: Look at me, Donna Victoria Paulsen. You have never been more beautiful and talented and perfect than you are at this very moment. Your time is now, and you're gonna kill it.
Donna: Thank you, Louis.
Louis: No. Thank you.
Donna: My middle name is Roberta.
Louis: I'm so sorry for that.

Louis: Bran bars are forbidden to first years.
Mike: Since when?
Louis: Since two seconds ago, order of the quartermaster, who is no longer speaking with you. Rachel. Can you please instruct the associate to your right to pass the nondairy creamer?
Mike: Louis, as I have been trying to tell you in person, and in the note I left, and in your voice mail, I'm sorry.
Louis: [ignores him] Do you know what nondairy creamer is, Rachel?
Rachel: Uh...
Louis: It's a metaphor. The first sip, you think it's real, you know? After all, it wants you to believe that it's genuine and it's good and it's gonna deliver on its promise, but then, with time, you realize that it's just a concoction of chemicals that's designed to disguise the truth that it's actually full of shit.
Rachel: Then why are you drinking it?
Louis: I'm lactose intolerant.

Donna: Today is the day I work for you.
Louis: Oh, my God. I can't believe it. This is really happening? What do we do first? I mean, I'm so goddamn turned on right now.
Donna: I don't know. Maybe we could get a jump on some of the things that have been piling up since Norma.
Louis: Well, my Dictaphone's at full capacity, it's about to burst.
Donna: Well, I could help you with that.
Louis: Would you?
Donna: Of course. That's my job. Relieving the pressure on your Dictaphone.

Dana: I'm a friend who is not going to give you my case fourteen seconds after you give me a scarf.
Louis: No, no, no, it's not a scarf. It's one of the world's finest pashminas.
Dana: I don't care if it's the world's only pashmina. You're not getting this case.

Louis: And I would like YOU to know who's working for YOU, 'cause Mike here --he's the best steak YOU'LL ever have.

Louis: Jack put something on the table, and it's our duty to follow through on it.
Harvey: Oh, bullshit. You're only following through on it because you're a cheap son of a bitch.
Jessica: Harvey...
Harvey: I don't want to hear it, Jessica. Yesterday, he accused me of being jealous. Today, he's coming after my money.
Louis: No, I'm not...
Harvey: Shut up. We both know Donna going to work for you has nothing to do with you. You got lucky.
Louis: Lucky?
Harvey: Like a monkey who won the lottery, so the least you can do is be a man, pay her yourself, or suck it up and tell her the truth.
Jessica: All right. That's enough. We're not doing this.
Louis: I am a name partner.
Jessica: Louis. No.
Louis: He has no right to...
Jessica: I will slap the taste out of your mouth.

Jessica: Louis, did it ever occur to you that these situations may sometimes be a result of your own doing?
Louis: What on God's green earth are you talking about?
Jessica: You have an opportunity to bond with our newest senior partner or make a permanent enemy of her - and I'm saying, in the past, you've generally chosen the enemy route.
Louis: Can you give me a specific?
Jessica: Off the top of my head?
Louis: Mm-hm.
Jessica: Pemberton, Yates, Cohen, Duffner, Ramirez...
Louis: That's five isolated incidents.
Jessica: Robinson, Jenkins, Gardner...
Louis: Okay, okay, fine.

Harvey: You're the guy that nobody wants but we can't get rid of.
Louis: But I'm a senior partner.
Harvey: So I can't make you leave, but as far as I'm concerned, you don't even work here anymore.

Louis: Yeah, it's hard to forget a grade that never happened.

Louis: What I want is respect!
Donna: Then get out of your own way and get on the god-damn team!
Louis: You mean the team that kept Mike's secret from me?
Donna: NO, Louis! I mean the team that protected its own, because that's what teams do! And, you know, I shouldn't even be telling you this, because she wasn't going to, but if you need a little bit more evidence of what we do for each other, then take a look at Rachel, because she got Katrina a job.
Louis: What?
Donna: That's right. Your former associate -- and you've been treating Rachel like shit. So, if you're done yelling at me, then I suggest you go fix one of the thousand things that you've screwed up lately, because the rest of us -- we are DONE fighting for you!

Harvey: Louis, have you given any thought to a rebound associate?
Louis: Harvey, come on, you know I'm not that kind of guy.
Harvey: Come on, you have him file a few interrogatories, maybe pick up your dry cleaning, and then you cut him loose.
Louis: With no strings attached?
Harvey: Better men than you have done it.
Louis: No.
Harvey: Yep.
Louis: Who, Baird?
Harvey: A week-long fling I ended six days too late.
Louis: Yeah, but Harvey, I don't just want a superficial relationship, you know? I want a true mentee, someone I can take to the gun club or mudding or to the origami festival.
Harvey: Louis, you're gonna find the right one.
[leaves]
Harvey: Origami festival? Oh, my God.

Louis: This is ridiculous. You drive like a savage animal.
Harvey: Louis, be a man and suck it up.
Louis: Suck it up? I'm sitting in the death seat.

Man: Get on the ground, and don't you fucking look at me.
Louis: Okay, okay.
Man: Wallet and phone. Where's the phone?
Louis: There's $1,000 in there, is that... is that not enough?
Man: You think we're negotiating, here?
Louis: No, no, no, it's just that there... there's pictures on my phone that I haven't backed up.
Man: I don't give a shit!

Louis: Don't let the moment pass. Don't let the people you love walk by you without letting them know how you feel about them, because life slips by and then it's over, and I'm not gonna let another minute pass me by without letting you know ho much you mean to me.

Louis: So you mean they get to enter that statement she made in court, and there's nothing we can do to counter it?
Harvey: Yeah. That's what I mean.
Louis: Well then, we're fucked.

[Mike attests thhat he went to Harvard and received the only A+ ever given by Prof. Gerard]
Louis: I don't believe you, and I don't want to call Gerard up and ask him 'cause I don't want the world laughing at my firm, but if he doesn't walk up to you on Friday and say, "Mike Ross, my beloved student, who I remember because he's the only one I ever gave an A-plus to," well, then I'm gonna know you're lying; and, if you still don't come clean, I'm gonna launch a formal investigation, whether it makes my firm look bad or not.
Mike: This is crazy. There is nothing to investigate.
Louis: Well, I'd rather risk looking crazy to root out an impostor than to risk letting that impostor poison everything that I stand for. It's over, Mike. I'm onto you, and I'm gonna expose you for the lying piece of filth that you are. Don't forget to rinse your mouth out after you're done throwing up.

Daniel: Let me get this straight. Instead of promoting an existing partner, you want me to make both of you junior partners.
Louis: Well, not make us. We've earned it.
Daniel: Earned partnership status? That's a pretty bold statement coming from two fifth-years.
Harvey: Not just any fifth-years. We're the best fifth-years this firm has ever seen, and you know it.
Daniel: May I inquire whose idea this was?
Louis: [simultaneously with Harvey] It was both of ours.
Harvey: [simultaneously with Louis] I was Louis's.
Daniel: [to Harvey] That's generous of you to give him credit.
Harvey: It was generous of him to come to me with the idea.
Daniel: The truth is, I wasn't gonna make anyone partner, but I do admire your gumption; so, here's what I'm willing to do. I will advance one of you if you prove to me which one it should be.

Louis: Ever since I left that hotel room, I've been stuck. We were together again, and it felt just like it did before, except it wasn't, because she wasn't mine, and since then, I've been counting the days until my soulmate marries someone else and walks out of my life forever.
Donna: Louis
Louis: I know she's with another man, Donna, and I know she says that she loves him, but all I wann to do is just say to her, can't she see the man she was meant to be with is standing right in front of her face?
Donna: I'm so sorry.
Louis: I shoulda told her when I had the chance, but that's something I'm gonna have to live with for the rest of my life.

Sheila: You're gonna tell me that's not mud under your fingernails?
Louis: All right, it is, but it was just one last time.
Sheila: And how can I trust that that's true?
Louis: Because I just told you, work was fucking crazy.

Dr. Lipschitz: If I ask you the one person whose respect you crave the most, who would it be? Don't dwell on it; just say the first name that pops into your head.
Louis: Harvey Specter.
Dr. Lipschitz: Good! What's he like?
Louis: He's like a cross between Marlon Brando and Superman. What?
Dr. Lipschitz: I'm just picturing. This Harvey. is he a friend?
Louis: He's my best friend.
Dr. Lipschitz: Hm. Would he describe you as his best friend?
Louis: What the- what the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Dr. Lipschitz: Louis!
Louis: You son of a bitch! You implyin' that I'm not as good as him, that I'm worthless? Well you know what, you Nazi supposed Jew? I don't need to take that from ya; I'm goddamn out of here!

Jessica: Louis was just suggesting that he run the negotiations.
Harvey: Louis also suggested the firm adopt a badger as a mascot.
Louis: The badger is a noble and fearsome creature, but that's not the point. I can beat 'em.
Harvey: And the Washington Generals think they can beat the Globetrotters, but they're not even in the same league.
Louis: My father played for the Washington Generals.
Harvey: See?

Harvey: As I see it, we have two options, the first of which involves going to Robert.
Louis: Pass.
Harvey: Look, he's the only one of us that actually gets along with Hardman. It's the only chance we have of getting him to be reasonable.
Louis: And you and I both know that there isn't a frozen dick's chance in hell that that rat is gonna be reasonable.
Harvey: Then tomorrow morning, you and I need to go in there with an offer so good, Simon has no choice but to take it and Daniel's left with nothing but a frozen dick in his hand.

Louis: If you were a narcissist with great hair, what would your password be?

Louis: This is my associate, Mike Ross. He was busy, uh, drafting some pertinent documents. Motion to dismiss, motion to compel, motion to strike, motion to change venue, and we have another half dozen in the pipeline.
Mike: No, they're here.
Louis: Oh.
Durham: What is this? This was supposed to be a settlement conference.
Louis: Oh, we're not here to settle. We're proceeding to trial.
Durham: You want to take this case to trial?
Louis: Um, unless I can't hear the sound of my own voice, I believe that's what I just frickin' said.
Durham: We're the little guy. Your parent company's a behemoth. A jury's gonna hate you.
Louis: Well, thanks to your disgusting smears in the media, that might be true, which is why we're also filing a countersuit for libel, slander, and anything else that might be appropriate in this case.
Mike: Tortious interference?
Durham: This is... You got... This is not good faith, Mr. Litt.
Louis: Sir, you have besmirched the good name of Liquid Water, and if you think that we're here for a settlement conference, well, let me just correct that one for you right now. We are not settling. We will not be settling. In fact, the only thing that's settling here is the sediment at the bottom of your putrid water. Get me? Now be sure to take that Grand Central shuttle like I told you, okay? I think you're gonna love it.

Harvey: Louis, I just offered to consider giving you one of my clients, so I suggest you let Gerard go.
Louis: No, I'm not letting anything go, because it doesn't make any sense. Not only can't he stand you. He doesn't respect you because he's got things...
Harvey: What did you just say to me?
Louis: I said he doesn't respect you.
Harvey: Well, you know what? He definitely doesn't respect YOU, because when he told me he needed a lawyer, I tried to send him your way, and his exact words were, "I don't want Louis. I want you."
Louis: Fine. Then I'll just take another one of your clients.
Harvey: You're not taking a thing.
Louis: You just said that I could...
Harvey: Look, I don't give a shit what I just said, okay? My clients are my clients, and, you don't get out of my office in the next three seconds, something's gonna happen between you and me, and I guarantee it won't end with you keeping all of your teeth.

Louis: I need a list of everything that's wrong with the rehearsal space. For example, the creaky floorboards, they're affecting certain dancers' attitudes.
Harold: Oh, they shouldn't let that get them down.
Rachel: "Attitude" is a pose.
Harold: Oh, yeah, like striking an attitude. Whatever, I do that all the time.
Louis: Okay. I also need a list of the ballet company principals.
Harold: Okay, um, integrity, fidelity, patriotism...
Rachel: Not that kind of principle.
Louis: [to Harold] Okay, we're done.
Harold: How am I supposed to know?
Louis: Rachel, you've just been drafted.
Harold: Oh, but she's not even a...
Louis: Not what? She's not what, Harold? Ms. Zane not only knows more about ballet than you do, she also knows more about law.

Harold: Louis, how did you get in here?
Louis: I told them I was your uncle - though how they could believe that we share the same DNA is beyond me.
Harold: This is about your trial, isn't it?
Louis: You're goddamn right it is! Why the hell would you do that to me?
Harold: I had no choice. I was subpoenaed.
Louis: It was a mock trial. You could have refused.
Harold: What do you want from me, Louis?
Louis: I want to yell at you!

Harvey: Well, let me get this straight. You want my permission to take Mike and force him to be your associate.
Louis: No, I would never force him to do anything. It has to be consensual. Not like Sally Jones and senior prom.
Harvey: Wait a second. Did you just admit to a crime?
Louis: No, a crime was committed upon me.
Harvey: Okay, I don't want to, but I have to. What crime?
Louis: My mom felt bad for Sally, so she forced me to take her.
Harvey: W... what was so bad about her?
Louis: She had four nipples.
Harvey: Okay, if that date was so bad...
[laughs]
Harvey: I mean, how'd you find that out?

Louis: My spider parts are tingling.
Mike: Please don't ever say things like that.

Sheila: You crossed out Jaime and Cersei Lannister.
Louis: I thought they were too controversial a couple.

Donna: I'm here because I know you're angry and you're feeling betrayed, but I am not gonna let you throw our friendship away.
Louis: I can't throw away something that never existed in the first place.
Donna: Louis...
Louis: Donna, we're not friends. We were never friends, because it was all based on a lie.
Donna: So you think my giving you this and every other nice thing that I ever did for you was just to keep you from finding out about Mike?
Louis: No, I don't, but I do think if you had the chance to take back all those nice things you did in exchange for me never finding out about your little secret, you'd do it in a heartbeat. You want a chance to tell me the truth? Go ahead. Tell me the truth right now.
[Donna is silent]
Louis: And that answers my question.
Donna: You know what, Louis? It was a bullshit question designed to do nothing but make me feel like shit.
Louis: Mission accomplished, and now I'm gonna tell you what I told Mike. You're dead to me.
Donna: Okay. You want to hate me? Hate me. You want to hate Mike? Hate Mike. But everybody at this firm can't be dead to you, because sooner or later, you're going to need someone.
Louis: Thank you, Donna, but that someone isn't gonna be you.

Louis: [spying on Jeff] It's just so weird to see him in my old office, you know? It's like when you drive by the house you grew up in, and there's another family in there, and all you want to do is break in and make yourself soup. You know that feeling?
Donna: Well, it depends on the soup.
Louis: [scoffs] Mushroom barley.
Donna: Then no.

Louis: I'm presenting my partnership buy-in check to you in your current capacity of managing partner.
Jessica: Current?
Louis: Oh, is that your cryptic way of asking about my vote? You kept me waiting five years. You can wait another 24 hours.

Harvey: I've told you this before, but it's always been when I needed something from you, and I don't need anything from you right now because you just gave it to me; so, maybe you can hear it when I say it - I respect you. You're an excellent attorney, a valuable member of this firm.
Louis: And a friend?
Harvey: Don't push it.

Louis: I need to talk to you.
Jessica: Let me guess. You got into a pissing contest with Harvey, he told you he's been covering Donna's salary, you, out of pride, said that you were going to take it on, and now you're here to find out how much you're on the hook for.
Louis: Nothing like that
Jessica: Oh, good. Then what is it?
Louis: Everything you just said.

Donna: Late night?
Louis: No sleep at all.
Donna: The ulcer?
Louis: No, Nigel's cat.
Donna: You slept at Nigel's?

Sean: Eric, obviously these allegations are crazy.
Eric: Of course they are.
Sean: So just... prove it to 'em you've got nothing to hide.
Eric: [cornered] This is ridiculous. I-I-I am not gonna dignify... I'm your boss.
Sean: [to Harvey, Mike and Louis] Gentlemen, give me a minute.
Louis: Yep.
Mike: [to Woodall] By a minute, he means ten to fifteen years.
Harvey: [also to Woodall] In about a half an hour, you're gonna need a really good lawyer. When that happens, don't call me.

Louis: How dare you quote me to me.

Louis: What just happened to him?
Katrina: He got Litt up.
Louis: Damn straight.

Harvey: Louis, there's no way I'm going to a session with your therapist.
Louis: Actually it would be for the both of us.
Harvey: Are you fucking kidding me? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Louis: And here's a little something you obviously do not know about investment banking: The only thing more satisfying to these guys than money is sticking it to someone who stuck it to them.

Mike: As much as I appreciate for once not having to eat my lunch from a hot dog stand, what are we doing here?
Louis: Can't a man just take out another man in the middle of the day for some steak and some wine and some cheesecake that's gonna knock your socks off?

Louis: Jeff Malone is in love with me.
Donna: What?
Louis: I was just in a meeting with him, and he started off by patting my shoulder.
Donna: He's a jock, Louis. That's just how they are.
Louis: No, he was then rubbing my shoulders, then he touched my arm. He's all over me.
Donna: Wow. What was that meeting about?
Louis: It doesn't matter. Donna, his arguments are loaded with double meaning. Who invokes the penal code in an S. E. C. case?
Donna: He said... "penal?"
Louis: Three times.

Louis: The two of you decided who's running this firm without including me in the conversation.
Harvey: What are you talking about? You signed the agreement.
Louis: The agreement that you drew up, and just expected me to be okay with.
Robert: You're saying that you want to be managing partner?
Louis: No, Robbie. But you wouldn't know that, because you never asked, and I will not be the third wheel just because my name comes last.
Robert: No one thinks of you as a third wheel, Louis.
Louis: Oh, really? Because you wouldn't be here if it weren't for me, and you wouldn't have a firm at all if it weren't for me. I saved both your fucking asses, and not only didn't you think to thank me, as far as I can tell, you didn't even clock what I did. Now, I am a partner just as much as you, and I am done having to remind you of that. So the next time there's a decision to be made, guys, you better pull up a seat for me at that table, or I swear to God, I will break the whole goddamn thing in two.

Louis: Do you know the receptionist at the front desk?
Rachel: Yes, her name is Elise.
Louis: Good, you can use her name when you fire her.
Rachel: I don't have the authority to fire people, but I did just talk to her.
Louis: You did?
Rachel: Mm-hmm.
Louis: To set her straight. That's good.
Rachel: No, not good. She came to see me. She said that you've been harassing her.
Louis: What happened?
Rachel: She said that you called and hung up on her over fifty times.
Louis: What? How did she even know it was me?
Rachel: Because you called from your office.

Louis: Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to put some peas on my face.

Louis: Norma, I've told you a million goddamn times - 2% of Mikado's afternoon milk. She's gonna taste the extra skim, and who do you think she's gonna take it out on? Me. Oh, and find out what the holdup is on my trademark claim on "Litt Up."

Jessica: I know I'm gonna regret asking this. Louis, tell me specifically what it is you're talking about.
Louis: They are answering the phones, "Pearson Specter," not "Pearson Specter Litt."
Jessica: Louis...
Louis: You don't believe me? Check it yourself.
Jessica: I'm not harassing our support staff.
Louis: It's not harassment, God damn it!

Louis: Oh, my God. I'm in a relationship with Harvey. Can I be the boy? Oh, scratch that, I don't even give a shit. I'm in a relationship with Harvey.
Dr. Lipschitz: And would you like to work on that relationship? Or spend the rest of the session celebrating its existence.
Louis: I think we both know the answer to that, but I'll settle for working on it.

Louis: [after ejaculating in the mud] Shit, that's twice now.

Donna: Louis, I understand why you did what you did.
Louis: You do?
Donna: Yes. You went down a path with the best intentions, and then it just got worse and worse until it was too late.
Louis: Feel like shit.
Donna: And you should.
Louis: What? But you just said...
Donna: I understand? I do. But I don't think you understand that every other time you screwed up, it was a mistake, and this time, it was a choice!

Louis: Jesus Christ, you know, you drive like my Nana? He drives like my Nana, and she's 102.
Harvey: Relax, Louis. Ray's on it. Nobody's getting us there faster.

Louis: Zipadeedoodah or Grab My Sack?
Donna: What?
Louis: Messenger service. Which one do we use?

Louis: And, if you value this friendship at all, you would stay out of it, because I'm going to the mattresses against Dana Scott.
Harvey: "Mattresses?" Have you been watching The Godfather?
Louis: Yeah, I've been trying to come up with some common ground to expand our friendship. Sue me.

Harvey: This isn't a jury. It's a fucking ethics board. And I did exactly what he said I did.
Louis: Harvey...
Harvey: Motherfucker!

Mike: Look, the gift certificate is from Peter's Steak House, the place that you and I saved -- together; and, after we saved it, you told me that we had something in common.
Louis: Yeah, I don't give a shit.
Mike: Yes, you do, because what we had in common was a love of the law. You told me that when you asked me to be your associate, Louis, and... I'm still the same person.
Louis: And if I found out a woman I had something in common with was actually a man, I wouldn't keep seeing her.

Louis: This isn't over, because whatever Harvey did, he doesn't know contracts like I do.
Stu: And you don't know them like I know them, because this new lease is tighter than your mom's ass.
Louis: That's it. I am suing you for slander, because my mom's ass is miles from tight.

Jeff: And who do you actually think is better at determining whether a guy is guilty of insider trading, Louis -- a career prosecutor for the S.E.C. or a monkey in some Italian suit?
Louis: [scoffs] A monkey?
Jeff: Monkey.
Louis: Well, you're nothing but a crowing cock -- and the last cock that walked into my office learned what all the other cocks learned: that I eat cock for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Jeff: Louis, you're gonna let me in that deposition tomorrow whether you like it or not.
Louis: Why, because you're gonna run to Jessica?
Jeff: No, simply because I'm gonna tell everyone here in the office that you said you eat cock for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Louis: Yeah, that's right. It's goddamn delicious. Mm! Mm, mm!
[licks fingertips then barks]

Louis: You know, when we were in the bullpen, Harvey was like... Superman, and then, one day, Hardman decided to just knock him down a peg - gave him this bullshit assignment, undoable workload, unwinnable case - and I took it as a chance to break down his walls and offer my help, and I just thought, this just might be the chance that we could become...
Mike: Friends.
Louis: Yeah. And he looked at me - "how dare I?"
Mike: I get it. He's alone. He always has been. He always will be.
Louis: Always *was.* Harvey is not Superman anymore. He's Batman, and Batman needs Robin.

Louis: What I learned from hiring Mike was that not all great lawyers went to Harvard.
Jessica: What are you saying?
Louis: I contacted Stanford, Yale, Columbia, Penn, and all the rest... Top 20 law schools. I officially opened up the doors to Pearson Specter Litt.
Jessica: I know how much you hated to do that, Louis, but sometimes we need to do what we have to... to survive.
Louis: Is there anything else I can do?
Jessica: No, there isn't. Right now, we just need to get through this trial, and pray to God that Harvey gets Mike goddamn Ross off the hook.

Louis: Rachel, Louis. Code Red. Did anybody see you leave my office?
Rachel: Norma gave me a look.
Louis: She's on our side. Rachel, concentrate.
Rachel: I don't even know if I'M on your side.

Katrina: Louis, why are you here so early?
Louis: I am taking this Forstman document and I am burying it deep in the bowels of these files, and then I am putting these files deep in the bowels of our storage.
Katrina: Louis, please stop saying bowels.
Louis: Katrina, I don't have time to give a shit about bowels, 'cause after this, we are starting fresh.

Brian: Hey, Louis, can I talk to you for a second?
Louis: Sure as hell can, 'cause I wanna know what the fuck happened in that meeting.

Louis: You once told me what to do when your back's against the wall.
Harvey: Break the goddamn thing down.

Sheila: The point is, have you ever considered the possibility that you're shooting blanks?
Louis: No more than I would consider the possibility that I don't have a face.
Sheila: I get that, Louis, and you probably have the sperm of a thoroughbred, but I'd like you to get yourself checked.

Louis: You seem upset that she led you to believe that she was trying to befriend you when it turned out she was gonna betray you.
Harvey: Louis...
Louis: You got a problem with that?
Mike: No. No problem.
Katrina: Not as long as your daddy's here.
Harvey: Do I have to have another talk with you?
Louis: He had a talk with you?
Katrina: Yes, but I didn't feel the need to run to you to protect me.
Mike: Second choice never does.
Harvey: I can't believe it's up to me to be the adult in the room. Maybe it's time we get down to business.

Louis: See, the highest academic honor at Harvard Law is the Order of the Coif. You don't get a trophy. You get three things. You get a parchment to hang on your wall, a medal to wear at graduation, and this. Now, this key doesn't say "Order of the Coif." It doesn't say anything. It's just a symbol.
Donna: What does that have to do with Harvey?
Louis: It doesn't. It has to do with Mike.
Donna: You know what, Louis? It's been a long day...
Louis: It's about to get longer. See, Mike asked me about this, and I thought he was... I thought he was trying to get my mind off of my problems, but then, he did it again, and it got me to thinking: Mike graduated magna cum laude, he's in Order of the Coif, but he didn't recognize this.
Donna: So, he forgot a stupid key.
Louis: Mike Ross doesn't forget anything. You see, the reason he didn't recognize this was because he never got one -- because he didn't go to Harvard.
Donna: Louis, we've been down this road before. Mike is in the Harvard database.
Louis: But he's not in the yearbook; and, according to his credit report, his address during his law school years was in New York. He even paid rent the first of the month in person.
Donna: Well, I'm sure there's a...
Louis: SIT DOWN! Last year, you told me not to tell Sheila about Mike's file. You acted like you cared about me. You didn't give a shit about me. You cared about YOU!... and Harvey!...
Donna: No!
Louis: ...and Mike!...
Donna: No!
Louis: ...and Jessica!
Donna: Louis, that's not true!
Louis: Well, let's call Sheila right now. I know all of the numbers by heart. I mean, she may not be interested in me anymore, but she will definitely be interested in a fraud claiming that he went to Harvard.

Louis: [on the phone] What do you mean, you don't have diamond-encrusted business cards? Fine, what about the embossed ivory? Okay, great, well, how much would 10,000 of those run me? Money's no object. What, are you crazy? I'm not paying that much -- unless it comes with a reach-around, which, by the way, I'm still not paying that much. Elite Printing, my ass.
[hangs up]

Louis: It's nine thirty and now he's showing up two hours after we open for business, and I see that you're also trying to look like a pimp.
Harvey: My bad Louis, I was out late last night and when I woke up this is the suit your wife picked out for me.
Louis: And that would be funny, if i'd actually been married.
Harvey: You're not married?

Todd: Okay, I am lying to you, but, please, you gotta help me.
Louis: Well, we want to, but, T-Dog, you gotta be straight up with your homies if you want us to have your back.

Louis: Norma, it's Louis. Louis Litt, your boss. Don't play your games with me now, woman. I'm due for closing arguments in thirty minutes and I need you to stall. No, you do not pull the fire alarm as a tactic, okay? I need you to just buy me ten minutes without committing a crime.

Donna: Am I to assume I'm getting my own personal Litt-Up mug?
Louis: Absolutely not. Those are mere mugs. This, my lady, is a chalice.

Louis: Safe words are for pussies.

Louis: What are you doing?
Donna: Oh, you know, it's just a little something for your file.
Louis: I have a file?
Donna: That information is classified.
Louis: Wait, why?
Donna: It's in your file.

Mike: I was just thinking about my grandmother. We got a train trip to D. C. once. We played I Spy.
Harvey: That's a nice story, Mike, but we are NOT playing I Spy.
Louis: I'll play. It'll remind me of dominating Esther on our trips to see our smelly Aunt Frida
Harvey: All right, if it will get you and Mike talking, sure.
[clears throat at Louis]
Louis: I spy a fraud, probably never even knew his grandmother.

Louis: What's bullshit is you thinking it's up to you who gets to represent Harold Gunderson.
Eric: So if I walk in there right now and ask him who his attorney is, he's gonna say it's you?
Louis: Doesn't matter what he says. It's 4:07, and if you don't let me see my client, anything after this second will be inadmissible -- and I will rain down fourth amendment claims on you for the rest of your goddamn life.

[metal detector goes off]
Security: Sir, need you to step over here, please.
Louis: Easy, Batman. I left my belt on.
Security: Well, if it's okay with you, I'm gonna break out my trusty Bat Metal Detector.
[beep beep]
Security: Sir, we need you to raise your arms above your head, please.
Louis: Hey, I'm gonna need your badge number.
Louis: [seeing his cuticle scissors removed from his pocket] How did those get there?
Security: Sir, this is a weapon.
Louis: A weapon? They're my nail scissors, you asshole. They're gold-plated. They cost $2000.
Security: You're gonna bring a $2000 weapon into MY courthouse?
Louis: I'm just saying I don't even know even how they... how they got there.
Security: Oh, well, maybe the Riddler put them there.

Dana: You really are a dick.
Louis: I'm Moby goddamn dick, and you just swam in my waters.

Jessica: Recruiting. Harvey, your interviews are set up for tomorrow.
Harvey: What? Why don't we just hire the Harvard summer associate douche?
Jessica: I think if you listen to the phrasing of that question, you'll come up with an answer.
Harvey: We need people who think on their feet, not another clone with a rod up his ass.
Louis: Harvey, the fact that we only hire from Harvard gives us a cache that's a little more valuable than hiring a kid from Rutgers.
Jessica: [to Harvey] *You* went to Harvard Law.
Harvey: I'm an exception.

Sheila: And you should know that you're not the only one with a clock.
Louis: The dean gave you a clock today, too?
Sheila: Not that kind of clock. I have an internal clock.
Louis: Sheila, are you saying what I think you're saying?
Sheila: Yes, I am, because when I told you you're the perfect man, Louis Litt, I meant it. And I want to make a perfect baby with you.
Louis: Are you sure?
Sheila: Absolutely. And I don't want to just pull the goalie. I want to start trying. And I want to start trying right now.

Louis: Where you going?
Mike: I, uh... just have to go back to the bathroom.
Louis: You just went.
Mike: Are you keeping track?
Louis: I may start.

Louis: Thanks for your concern about Sheila and me.
Katrina: Louis, you know I care for you deeply in a completely asexual manner
Louis: And I too care for you deeply and see you neither as man nor woman.
Katrina: Thank you, Louis. Kinder words were never spoken.

Louis: I mean, I had the girl. I had the confidence. But then when I went to meet her... He was there.
Dr. Lipschitz: He?
Louis: Xander Fuck Face.

Louis: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You and Harvey are letting me in on one of your missions? This is Litt-tastic.

Louis: Okay, change of plans. We need to file a motion to delete this motherfucker's products from our store.

Louis: Harvey said he wouldn't let me have any of his clients.
Donna: No, he said he would, but then instead of taking him up on it, you went ahead and shit on his feelings.
Louis: Please. Harvey doesn't have feelings.

Louis: This is just ridiculous. If Harold isn't broken by now, I'll shit my pants.
Harvey: If Harold's broken, then when we get there, Mike's gonna be on his way to prison.
Louis: Someone needs to get in there and hold his hand.
Harvey: Not someone. You.
Louis: Are you serious? I'm the last person in the world that Harold Gunderson wants to see right now.
Harvey: Louis, when we were associates, who did you fear most?
Louis: That's easy. My mother.
Harvey: I meant in the firm.

Louis: Because this is Rome, you're a gladiator, and so am I.

Louis: We're going to McKernon Motors, not your senior prom. Why can't we just take the car service?
Harvey: Because we're going to an engine manufacturer. We need to show up with a bad-ass car.
Louis: [Goes up to a sports car] How about this little bad boy right here?
Harvey: That's no good.
Louis: Why the hell not?
Harvey: Because it's not just the two of us.
Louis: What do you mean?
[Sees Mike]
Louis: You son of a bitch. You said you and I are going up there. You lied to me.
Harvey: Because if I didn't, you would have never agreed to come.
Louis: There is no way I'm going.
Harvey: Yes, you are. I don't care if I have to tie you to the roof. By the time we get to McKernon, you and Mike are gonna work your shit out.

Robert: So you think you have what it takes to run this firm?
Louis: I know I do. And my first order of business is promoting Alex and Samantha at the same time.
Robert: And any managing partner worth his salt can see they'll never go for it.
Louis: No. They're either both gonna accept this or they're both gonna walk the fuck out the door because I am sick of this shit.

Donna: Louis, what happened?
Louis: Oh. I'll tell you what happened. This stupid merger. It's bad enough my vote is worth a third of what it was last week. Now our uni-balls - gone.
Donna: Our... what?
Louis: Pens, Donna. The new quartermaster, Barbara L. Tottingham, will not buy us any more uni-balls. There's not one single uni-ball in this entire firm.
Donna: Please stop saying uni-ball.
Louis: No, I will not. Stuck with these stupid plastic things that keep breaking.
Donna: So buy your own pen.
Louis: [astounded] But... Okay. There are two things in this firm that I hold very sacred - my uni-balls and my raspberry Bran bars, and if I have to go and buy 'em myself, well, then, this Barbara L. Tottingham has a message for me, loud and clear, and that's "Louis Litt, go screw yourself."

Jessica: And when you love a woman, can you stand the thought of her being with another man?
Louis: No.
Jessica: Well, Louis, Van Dyke is trying to get into Pearson Specter's pants. What are you going to do about it?
Louis: I'm gonna put on a goddamn chastity belt.