The Best Various Quotes

Bill: Karen is only 3 years younger than you? Are you sure? I thought she was about 29.
Charlotte: We were in school together, Karen is 37.
Bill: Well, she looks 29.
Charlotte: [sighs] Well, frankly, Bill, you're probably not very good at guessing women's ages.
Bill: Don Burke said Karen was 29, too.
Charlotte: Well, Don's an idiot!
Bill: Well, he, he guessed your age right.

James: I have flowers here for you. From another anonymous fan.
Greta: Ah... put them in another room. I want to be... alone.
James: Yes, Miss Garbo.
Greta: Let me see them.
[takes the flowers]
Greta: Ohh, they are so beautiful. Put each flower in a separate vase, so that they are... alone.

Tanny: Hey Tony, would you mind if, if, eh, Svetlana and I use the ladies room?
Tony: Oh, no, no, be, be my guest, but, but you're gonna need a key, though...
Tanny: Oh, okay...
Ivan: Here, here, why don't you use mine.
Tanny: Oh! Oh...
Ivan: Alright, let me see now.
[holds up a bunch of keys and goes through them one by one]
Ivan: Okay, wait a minute, this is the decoding room... you go past that...
Tanny: Hm-hm.
Ivan: This is the shredding room...
Tanny: Okay, aha...
Ivan: Okay, this is Classified Documents... Okay... Winebago... Okay... Alright, here you go, ladies room.

Captain: Hello, I'm Captain Kirk, I understand you're having trouble with your order?
Diner: Yes I am, I ordered a Klingon and they give me this fried clam sandwich.
Captain: Ma'am, a Klingon is a fried clam sandwich.
Diner: Well now I thought it was a lobster salad sandwich?
Captain: Eh, no. That's a Romulan man.
Diner: Well then you must've changed the names, because...
Diner: We didn't change the name, ma'am!

Vincent: Bartholemew, entertain the lady.
Catherine: Yeah! Jennifer, did you know that Bartholomew knows a lot about the city's sewers?
Jennifer: Uh.. no. He, he never mentioned that..
Bartholemew: Yeah, well, the, the sewers. Well, that's where I live, right? So... you know, I use them to get around a lot, so... I don't know, it's funny, but you can learn a lot about the city that way.

Robin: Now, some snakes can kill you, but not this one.
Peter: Aha, so this snake is a coward.

Middle: God, I don't believe I said that... I sound just like my father...
Wife: You're, you're father?
Middle: Yeah, Retired Man.
Middle: Well... now what's the difference between you and Retired Man?
Wife: I know how to hook up a VCR.

Anita: I'm working on my Cosmotology course.
Eddie: Cosmo-what?
Anita: Cosmotology. It is the study of, of hairstyles and how they behave on the human head.

Sherry: Greg, she just wants to drop off some baked goods, that's all she wants to do.
Greg: I wish she'd drop off the World Trade Center!
Sherry: Greg, she's my mother!

Cindy: Okay... what if we call ourselves... the Super Winners!
Teacher: Now see, that's really dumb.
Cindy: That was my moms idea...
Male: Allright, allright, lets compromise: the Flaming Eagles!
Female: No!
Cindy: The Sculptors!
Female: What about the Covergirls?
Craig: Doors?
Male: The Flaming Mafia!
Cindy: Oh, what is that... the Titanics!
Craig: No, the Rambo's!
Female: I don't see what's wrong with the Capybaras, you guys!
Male: The Snipers!

Announcer: On the outer reaches of our galaxy spins the planet Estrogena, where evolved an advanced race of women: Planet ofthe Enormous Hooters!
Queen: Bring the deformed one to me!
Courtier: Queen Zarma, your Exalted Fullness. We have brought the prisoner.
Courtier: Look! Her breasts are so small, they look like melons!
[both courtiers and the Queen laugh out loud]
Prisoner: Oh, please don't belittle me.
[more laughter]
Queen: Ah, you are a disgrace to our planet. I hereby banish you to the planet Earth, where your undersized breasts will go unnoticed, and you may live the rest of your life in anonymity. Take her to the spaceshipette, she disgusts me!
Prisoner: No, no! Please reconsider!
Announcer: Tune in next week for Planet of the... Enormous Hooters!

Nadia: Constantine is devoted to me. He respects and loves my mind, you see? Heh?
Church: I'm sure he also respects your ability to twist your body into a hot, sweaty little pretzel, ready to be smeared with man-mustard.

Brenda the Waitress: Can I help you?
Diner: Do you have coffee?
Brenda the Waitress: You got a cup?
Diner: You think you can fill it?
Diner: Think you can handle it?
Diner: I can handle a menu.

Ladyfriend: Hey... who was that handsome guy you were talking to?
Jim: That's my best friend, Lank Thompson.
Ladyfriend: Hmmm. I love how he continues to smile, while he talks.
Jim: He isn't afraid to make eyecontact. He's also tactile, in a very tasteful way. Damn, he's handsome!

Mary: Allright, allright, allright, you wanted a cake, I brought a cake. So stone me.