Top 30 Quotes From Various

Johnny: I'm sorry, there I go again, but what the hell, I'm sorry, I just don't see, eh... I don't see people tuning in for Jay Leno.
Ed: No, sir.
Johnny: I mean, eh, he's got that... sort of a weird face, kind of unattractive.
Ed: Lantern Jawed freak, yes.
Johnny: I mean eh, that jaw just seems to go on forever, doesn't it?
Ed: Dick Tracy villain, yes.
Johnny: That's right.

Vincent: Bartholemew, entertain the lady.
Catherine: Yeah! Jennifer, did you know that Bartholomew knows a lot about the city's sewers?
Jennifer: Uh.. no. He, he never mentioned that..
Bartholemew: Yeah, well, the, the sewers. Well, that's where I live, right? So... you know, I use them to get around a lot, so... I don't know, it's funny, but you can learn a lot about the city that way.

Mr. President: Yeah, so what is dis I hear about Martians?
Da: Well, dey have landed, Mr. President, we've seen dem.
Rudy: Yeah, they had saucers and ray guns and stuff like dat. I think they mean to take over da woild!

Announcer: [voice over] Now, get ready for a man so black, he goes to funerals naked. Step back, 'cause heeeeere's Nat!

Santa: Harry, here's a list of who's been naughty and who's been nice.
Hanukkah: Hmm.
[takes a look at the list]
Hanukkah: Hmm... Brad Anderson, naughty. Well now what'd he do that was so bad?
Santa: His parents had some company over and he spoke when he wasn't spoken to.
Hanukkah: What? What is with you people? What, is that a crime? He's a kid! Kids talk. I'll bring him a little something.

Jeffrey: It's almost midnight, is this a bad time?
Douglas: Well, my office hours don't start for another 20 minutes, but... sit down.

Drover: You see, Jake, when you go into town, it's not just you going... it's me, and it's Flappy... and it's Toothless and it's Beaverhead... Squishy and... Little Squishy and... Gabby and Garbonzo... . and Big Squishy and Roy... and Psycho... and all the rest.

Dale: Larry! That's minus 5 points for ass kissing your opponent.
Larry: I deserve it.

The: Now, do you see what we have done here? I've attached a pre-moistened towelette to the edge of the bait bag, so that when Wayne is trough baiting his hook, he can clean his hands, there we are, and then the towelette and the foil packet can go back into the bag, we seal it and we file it under 'T' for trash. There. Isn't that nice? I think so.

General: Hello, Chief!
Crazy: Hello, General!
General: Call me George.
Crazy: Call me Crazy.

Dr. Frankenstein: The rain in Spain falls mainly on the...?
Frankenstein's: Fire!
Dr. Frankenstein: Yes, I suppose it could happen.

Charlton: Well, I hope we've made our point and got a few laughs along the way. Did you see the way that big kid fell after he was shot? He's a riot! Makes me proud to be an actor.

Ladyfriend: Hey... who was that handsome guy you were talking to?
Jim: That's my best friend, Lank Thompson.
Ladyfriend: Hmmm. I love how he continues to smile, while he talks.
Jim: He isn't afraid to make eyecontact. He's also tactile, in a very tasteful way. Damn, he's handsome!

Mr. First Nighter: She is D.O. Doggone-licious!

Charlie: In my experience, Republican women are harder to open than a liquor store in Nebraska.

Spokesperson: The Myowling Bible will enrich your life. Or nine lives, as the case may be.

Frank: Look, we're all weak, baby! Sometimes a guy's gotta trade up for a new set of wheels! But you made one mistake: you gotta keep your mitts off the kinder! Believe me, I thought about it myself a few times. But I took my business to the john! When you're a one-man band, nobody gets hurt!

Ed: That is the straight stuff, o Funkmaster.

Bill: You wanna swap wives?
Jerry: I'm not married, Bill.
Bill: Do you have anything you wanna swap?
Jerry: Well, not really.
Bill: Do you know, maybe you shouldn't mention that I just brought up wife swapping, you know.
Jerry: There's no need to, Bill, because it has nothing to do with the fact that America has lost its competitive edge. And, and, I just wanna know, are you gonna bring up the fact that here we are live from New York, and it's Saturday night.
Bill: No, I won't bring it up if you don't.
Saunders: I'll bring it up.
Bill: Saunders!
Saunders: Live from New York, it's Saturday night.

Sandy: [quietly] This copy machine is Richard's whole life. If they take it away, it'll kill him.
Steve: I know. I have noone to talk to him...
The: [loud] Stevester and the Sandita, sharing a secret...

Helen: I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, Jim. Ever since my husband left me I've been a jumpy, paranoid old bitch.
Jim: I noticed.

Steve: [after describing Salman Rushdie] If you see anyone who fits this description, kill him! Do not hesitate, you can make a difference. Repeat, do not, not kill him. If it comes to a choice between killing and not killing him, kill him! Then call this number after you killed him: 1-800-I-K-I-L-L-R-U-S-H-D-I-E.

Kenneth: Please Hammer, don't hurt him.

Announcer: [at the start of the videotape "A Fantasy Dinner Date with Hans & Franz"] FBI warning: Hear me now and believe me later. The following is licensed for private use only. Any reproduction or re-broadcast will result in serious pummeling.

Dale: That's not a question, that's just blatant brown nosing. Another minus 5.
Larry: I'm not ashamed, I'd do it again.

Todd: Carl, what's cooking in weather?
Bill: Eh, I'll tell you what's happening in the weather: it's raining bombs in Hawaii, that's what's happening!

Mario: Now, I could stand here and talk about the inaccuracy of polling, or the subjective nature of the process, but that's not the real issue here! The real issue is vert simple: I have mob ties.

Joey: Why, I oughta pound you!
Chick: [grabs Joey's gun and slaps him across the face] Send this guy for a walk, Eddie, or I'll kick his can so far up into his braincase he'll have to take off his hat to shine his shoes.
Joey: Why, I oughta pound you!

Abe: He's not going anywhere! If he can help the Trotters win games, I don't care what color he is! Why, he could be green! Or... dark green, or... or lime green. Or... or olive green.

Doug: My, eh, my imaginary friend's name is eh... Mike. Eh, yeah, Mike, uhm, Mike Podium. Yeah, his name is Mike Podium and he comes from eh, Audiitoriumville. He likes all kinds of foods, but his favorite thing to eat, is uhm, emergency exits. And his... his two best friends are... a, a basketball hoop and a, eh, a row of fold-up chairs!
Bill: [audience starts to applaud] That's my boy!